MOJO

The flip-off! sept 8 2005

An Anglo-American production

featuring
NIKKY MOJO (no, seriously) - scammer (nikky_mojo@yahoo.fr)
JAMES PETER - "barrister" (jamespeterchamber@yahoo.com)
versus
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE - of the Foreign Office
WEINER CRUMBLEY - American special agent, matrixed (as the colonials so appallingly put it) to the Foreign Office

While Mr. Mojo was copied on all correspondence between Lady Agatha and Mr. Crumbley, their side remarks are formatted as such.

NIKKY MOJO

ABIDJAN,IVORY COAST

DEAR,

PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I GOT YOUR NAME AND CONTACT FROM THE IVOIRIAN CHAMBER OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY. I PRAYED OVER IT AND SELECTED YOUR NAME AMONG OTHER NAMES DUE TO IT'S ESTEEMING NATURE AND THE RECOMMENDATIONS GIVEN TO ME AS A REPUTABLE AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN DO BUSINESS WITH AND BY THEIR RECOMMENDATIONS I MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE AND SINCERE BUSINESS.

I AM Nikky mojo, THE ONLY CHILD OF LATE MR AND MRS DANIEL, MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COCOA MERCHANT BASED IN ABIDJAN, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST BEFORE HE WAS POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF THEIR OUTING TO DISCUSS ON A BUSINESS DEAL. WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE 21ST OCTOBER 1988, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE IAM MOTHERLESS.

BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER ON 24TH NOVEMBER 2003 IN A PRIVATE HOSPITAL HERE IN ABIDJAN. HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BEDSIDE AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A SUM OF US$16,500,000 (SIXTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) LEFT IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT IN A LOCAL BANK HERE IN ABIDJAN, THAT HE USED MY NAME AS HIS ONLY DAUGHTER FOR THE NEXT OF KIN IN DEPOSIT OF THE FUND.

HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT WAS BECAUSE OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES, THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY OF MY CHOICE WHERE I WILL TRANSFER THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR INVESTMENT PURPOSE ,(SUCH AS REAL ESTATE MANAGEMENT).

SIR, IAM HONOURABLY SEEKING YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS.

1) TO PROVIDE A BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY WOULD BE TRANSFERED
2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND.
3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL PERMIT FOR ME IN YOUR COUNTRY.

MOREOVER, SIR, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS COMPENSATION FOR YOUR EFFORT INPUT AFTER THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT OVERSEA.

FURTHERMORE, YOU CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AS I BELIEVE THAT THIS TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS YOU SIGNIFY INTEREST TO ASSIST ME.

ANTICIPATING HEARING FROM YOU SOON.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS.

BEST REGARDS.

Nikky mojo


[This is of course the classic Cocoa Orphan letter.]


LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE

Aug 4

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for your note.

It would appear you have indeed lost your Mojo.

We are duty-bound to assist our colonial neighbours. Be warned, however, that we must insist on total confidentiality and that we shall require substantial persuasion before we can continue.

Very well. Please send me more details.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London



NIKKY MOJO

DEAR UNCLE AGATHA BRISTOL,

COMPLEMENT OF THE DAY.

I AM VERY GLAD OF YOUR IMMEDIATE AND VERYHOPEFUL RESPONSE.EVERYTHING THING IN LIFE HAS A PURPOSE AND I BELIEVED GOD HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER NOW TO DO THIS TRANSACTION TOGATHER.

I WILL TRY TO PUT DOWN IN A VERY LITTLE LANGUAGE ON HOW I BELIEVE WE WILL PROCEED WITH IN OTHER TO EXECUTE THIS TRANSACTION WITHIN A SHORT WHILE AS I DECIDE THE FIRST STEP IS ABSOLUTE TRUST AND CONFIDENCE BETWEEN ONE ANOTHER TO BE GUIDED WITH TRUTHFULNESS.

YOU ARE REQUIRED TO COME HERE IN ABIDJAN COTE D IVOIRE SO THAT WE CAN HAVE VIEW TO VIEW DISCUSSION.AFTER THAT WE WILL GO TO THE BANK TOGETHER TO FINALIZE ALL THE FORMERLITIES WHICH THE BANK WILL LIKELY REQUEST FROM US.AFTER THAT YOU WILL OPEN ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK HERE,THEY THE WILL RE-LODGE THE MONEY TO YOUR NEW ACCOUNT,FOR ONWARD TRANSFER TO YOUR DESIGNATE BANK ACOOUNT IN LONDON .

BUT IF YOU CAN NOT COME DOWN HERE DUE YOUR WORK SITUATION,I WILL GIVE YOU THE CONTACT OF THE BANK SO THAT YOU CAN CONTACT THE DIRECTOR OF FOREIGN REMITTANCE TO DISCUSS ON HOW THE TRANSFER WILL DONE.

IF YOU AGREE WITH ME I WILL FIRST AND FORMOST SEND APPLICATION LETTER TO THE BANK,TO SHOW MY READINESS ON TRANSFERING MY INHERITANCE WEALTH TO MY YOU. I WILL TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE MY GUARDIAN AND MY LATE FATHER'S BUSINESS ASSOCIATE FROM LONDON.

I WILL BE WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.

THANKS AND REMAIN BLESSED

YOURS SINCERELY

NIKKY.



LADY AGATHA

Aug 5

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for your note.

Please address me as Lady Agatha; I am not one of your village elders, let alone related to you!

Your e-mail - whilst rather florid - does contain some sort of message.

However, at this point, it is all rather irrelevant as we need substantial documentary evidence to support your case which, I must admit, looks a little flimsy.

I have, however, mentioned your e-mail to Lord Basil Fawlty, our Permanent Secretary, and he does seem interested in your little scheme.

Please send me the required evidence immediately and we can proceed in giving you what you no doubt richly deserve.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London



NIKKY MOJO

THANK YOU MY SISTER AGATHA BRISTOL.

I PLEASE I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE TYPE OF INFORMATION YOU MAY LIKELY NEED FROM ME.

AWAITING.

REMAIN BLESSED.



LADY AGATHA

Dear Ms Mojo,

Thank you for your note.

For the last time, please address me as Lady Agatha.

The evidence we need is proof that this money - and yourself - even exist.

Please send it as soon as possible.

Yours ever

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Mrs Agatha,

Compliments of the day and how are you with hope you are in a good health, i will first of all tender my apology for the late reply it was as result of a brief sickness, i was attack by maleria parasite couple of days ago but i thank God that i am responding to treatments and i am fast reco-operating.i want to believe that my apology is considered.

Coming to that question you asked concerning the legality of the money i want to transfer to your account, i believe it high time i give you the contact of the bank where my late father deposited the money so that you will contact the bank and accesstain the existance of the said money.

Here is the contact of the bank

Name of Bank : Universal Trust Bank CI
Director : Dr. Peachop Jean (contact person)
Phone N : 00 225 08107184
Fax N : + 225 2127 9686
Email : pactriciak@mail.com

When you contact the bank tell the bank that you are the person i told them that will be contacting in regards to the transfer of my late father's money to your account overseas, you should further tell the bank that you are my oversea guardian and the person to recieve the money abroad, already i have told the bank that my guardian will be contacting them on my behalf, please do remember that my is Nikky Mojo the daughter of late Mr Daniel Mojo.

I will be waiting for your kind responds as regards to the result of your findings from the bank and i hereby attach a copy of my photograph and i will appreciate it if you will send me a copy of yours for a better understanding.

Yours truely,
Nikky.



LADY AGATHA

Aug 10

My dear Mojo,

Thank for your your note.

Please address me as Lady Agatha. This should not be difficult, even for a colonial, for goodness' sake.

These little matters of protocol aside, we are pleased that you have recovered from malaria. There are some ghastly viruses and some ghastly people in the Third World, don't you think?

Thank you for the bank details. We shall try to contact your Pea Chop chappie.

However, before we continue this transaction - and rest assured we do so wish to give you what you deserve - we will require you to confirm your true intentions and honesty by signing a Temporary Oath of Allegiance to Her Majesty.

The Foreign Office ensures that Her Majesty's Government's interests are served all over the world and we must make sure that the people we deal with are trustworthy.

I shall forward the details to you if you would like to agree to this.



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Please i once more tender my sincere apology for addressing you without adding your deserved title ( Lady ) i want to believe that my apology is once more accepted, concerning paying Allegiance to Her Majesty Queen of England, it will be a great honour to pay Allegiance to Her Majesty, go head and send me theTemporary Oath of Allegiance to Her Majesty let me sign.

Please you should also contact the bank so that they will start working on the transfer, i will waiting to read from you.

Yours truely,

Nikky.



LADY AGATHA

Aug 11

My dear Mogo,

Thank you for your note.

We accept your apology. Just please make sure you address me properly.

I am delighted that you are prepared to sign an Oath of Allegiance to Her Majesty.

Please type out the following text, scan in your picture, sign the document and chant it aloud with your hand on your heart before e-mailing it back to me:

I, Nikky Mojo, on this day.................being of sound mind and body, do by humble merkin and in all fey twiglets swear to assist Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II in all aspects pertaining to her Right Royal Business. Pro Vom Poppadom.

We look forward to receiving your Oath. Then we can continue this transaction.


[This is standard Foreign Office procedure. The LADY AGATHA OATH GALLERY displays a handful of the many Oaths extracted from ruffians such as Mr. Mojo.]


NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Thanks alot for your mail its content is well comprehended, i want to believe that you are in a sound health, just as i wrote in my last mail that i am ready to take the Oath of Allegiance to her Majesty the Queen of England, but i want to bring to your notice that i am not that computer literate to scann out the Oath for allegiance and attach it with my photograph and send it to you.

I can print and scann out the Oath of Allegiance, swear as you asked me to do and send it to you, but owning with the fact that i am not a computer specialist, i don't know how to combine all of that with my photograph, Lady Agatha with due respect i believe that there is another better way to solve this problem other then to combine it with my photograph.if my photograph is needed i will not hesitate to send it to you. I will be waiting for you kind responds so that i will send the Oath of Allegiance form back to you.

Yours truely,

Nikky



[Lady Agatha calls in her American assistant.]

LADY AGATHA

Aug 12

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your note.

I should think it would be rather simple to scan in your picture. Ask your village elders, or the owner of the cybercafé from which you are e-mailing.

Crumbley, can you advise?

Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Compliments of the day and i want to believe that you are fine, please Madam with due respect if you realy want to help me, do go ahead and contact the bank where my late father deposited the money and verify what ever you are curiouse about concerning this transaction, to be honest with you, those that send my father to his ealy grave are also after me and the sooner this money is transfered into your account the better. It will interest you to know that i am currently Lodging/hiding in a local hotel pending when this money will be transfered outside the shoars of this country then i will leave to gain my freedom over there in the UK.

Could you please call the bank so that they will start working on the transfer?

I will be waiting for your kind responds.

Yours truely,
Nikky.



LADY AGATHA

Aug 15

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your note.

You must understand that we are of a mind to assist you but we simply must have the Temporary Oath of Allegiance before we continue.

However, we are prepared to make allowances for you as we understand what the Colonies are like these days.

Please send me back the Oath of Allegiance and proof of your identity on a separate e-mail. Then I promise you we shall contact the bank.


WC: Lady Agatha, My apologies for taking so long to respond.
With an eye toward simplifying the process for Ms. Mojo I double-checked the procedures governing this process hoping to find some kind of loophole where the picture requirement could be waived. I'm sorry to say that there is no way around this requirement.

However, with the plethora of digital cameras around these days, I'm sure that Ms. Mojo would have no problem finding a friend or aquaintance who owns one. Once the picture has been taken, transfer to one's hard drive and subsequent attachment to an email is child's play. Computers these days are completely idiot-proof, made for use by the simplest of intellects.

I hope this has been of some help. --Weiner


LADY A: My dear Weiner, Thank you for your note. Let us hope that this part of the modalities is indeed child's play. I am sure Nikky Mojo will come good.
Remain blessed.
Yours ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE


[Dear reader, keep in mind that our scammer is being copied on all these remarks.]

NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Compliments of the day and i want to believe that you are in a sound health, below is the Oath of Allengiance you asked me to swore with my hands in my chest :

I, Nikky Mojo, on this day Ms Nikky Mojo being of sound mind and body, do by humble merkin and in all fey twiglets swear to assist Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II in all aspects pertaining to her Right Royal Business. Pro Vom Poppadom.

I will send you a photocopy of my international passport in due time but please call the bank.

Yours truely,

Nikky



LADY AGATHA

Aug 15

My dear Mojo,

Very well. This rather poor effort will have to do for now. We look forward to receiving your photo.

Quick as you can please. We have to be in Smegaroon tomorrow for a conference. Crumbley, old thing, please ensure that the Royal Bowden china is packed.


WC: Lady Agatha, I am afraid I have some dreadful news. I happened to be in the china cupboard, uh, how shall I say, supervising one of the maids the other evening when my hand was accidentally caught on her blouse. In the ensuing struggle to free ourselves a number of the Royal Bowden pieces were inadvertantly destroyed. My queries to Harrods for replacements have come to naught.
Might I suggest the Middlesbrough pattern as a suitable replacement for your trip?
Yours in sorrow, Crumbley


LADY A: Crumbley!! What on earth were you doing? Never mind, I do not wish to know.
This is bad news, but not terminal. I suggest you use that charming set of china that President Bush gave us last week. And for goodness sake, Crumbley, do be careful.


WC: Lady Agatha, Are you referring to the "Alamo Commemorative" series pieces or the ones that depict the crossed Winchesters? Crumbley

LADY A: My dear Crumbley, The Alamo Commemorative will do, old boy. I am not sure if Nikky Mojo is used to the fineries of such things like crockery and cutlery so do ensure the finger bowls are packed.


LADY AGATHA

Aug 17

My dear Mojo,

What is happening here? Please update me on progress regarding the modalities. You may think this is child's play, but we do not.

We are prepared to invest upwards of $50,000 with you. Please advise me immediately on how to proceed, as Jame Peter Ja has contacted us with a similar scheme to your own.


[This is a reference to Jame Peter Ja who featured so ridiculously in GREETINGS FROM JA and ORPHANANS OF LONDON]

WC: Lady Agatha, I hope that my confession to clumsiness did not cause you to lose this lad.

LADY A: My dear Crumbley, I shouldn't think so old boy. These people are of a low cognition as you aware. It's possibly my responsibilty for bringing up eating with crockery and cutlery in the first place. I believe the vernacular is easy come, easy go. I am sure we shall, after this test run, find a suitable candidate. We look forward to working with you. Perhaps you could join myself, Agent Stroganov and Sir Marmite for drinkies at Annie's tonight? Remain blessed, as they say.

WC: Lady Agatha, Compliments of the season. There is nothing I would enjoy more than to be able to join you at Annie's tonight. However, much to my extreme chagrin, my consultations to the resort hotel here in Gadyukina, Russia precludes that. Additionally, I was recently informed that another Noogie has perished on an African highway and I am trying to recover an inheritance. It may well be necessary for me to travel to the UAE in the very near future to accomplish this successfully. Rest assured that I will join you there at the earliest opportunity. Please pass on my regards to MS and Sir Marmite. Lewd

LADY A: Aug 19 Indeed so, old boy. In fact, it seems we have found our Mojo after all.


[Weiner Crumbley has revealed himself to be none other than Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie, American hotel consultant and gadabout.]


NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

I am sorry to have not responded urgently to your last mail I was sick,you know that I am just a small boy of 22 years of age and I needed your advice on this transaction please advice me about the best way to transfer this money to your account.Should I contact a lawyer so that the transfer will be smooth and faster.I am wating to hear from you.

Yours ever,
Nikky



LADY AGATHA

Aug 19

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your note.

We need to move rather quickly.

I can, however, recommend a lawyer, if you wish. Please let me know as soon as possible.

And do not worry, old boy. The Special Operations Department is here to ensure you get exactly what you deserve.


WC: Lady Agatha, Congratulations on your Mojo recovery.

LADY A: My dear Crumbley, Thank you for your note.
I should say that you have played your full part. Now let us continue modalities.


NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Thanks for your recommendation and efforts,as you said I am going to look for a good lawyer who will assist me to transfer the money to your account in London,I will inform you as soon as I am through.

Yours ever,
Nikky



LADY AGATHA

Aug 20

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your note.

We really do need to move these modalities forward; are you certain that we cannot find a lawyer for you?

I should think you are used to having lawyers obtained for you. Perhaps you should take our advice, as you never know when a lawyer will be supplied for you in the future.

Please think about this, and get back to me, old boy. This is not child's play.

Remain blessed.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

I have gotten a good lawyer who will help me transfer the money to your account in London,his name is Barrister James Peter.I told him about my intention to transfer the money to your account and he agreed but he said that you should call him for confirmation.His private telephone number is 00 225 07 24 52 20 call him now and tell him that you are calling on behalf of Nikky Mojo,please get back to me after your discussion with him.

Yours ever
Nikky.



LADY AGATHA

Aug 21

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your e-mail.

Crumbley, this James Peter, is he the same James Peter from the Pink Windmill Club? If so, I should advise young Mojo about having dealings with him. Agent Stroganov is not too keen on him, either.

See what you can dig up, Crumbley. Mojo, please bear with us whilst we conduct these urgent enquiries.



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

This James peter is an Ivorian and according to him had never been to England before talkless of beign a member of the club you mentioned.He is one of the good lawers that was recommended to me but however if you are not keen with him then tell me so that I can look for another lawyer.I will ask him to send you his picture so that it will help you to know him better.

Yours ever

Nikky Mojo



LADY AGATHA

Aug 21

My dear Nikky (if I may),

Thank you for your note.

One was not casting aspersions on your chappie. But one hears so many things, don't you know.

Please do send me his ID. That would be splendid.



WC: Lady Agatha, I'm on it. I'll see what I can find out about Mr. Peter. It shouldn't take too long and meanwhile I see no reason for you not to procede.

LADY A: Excellent, old boy. We'll have these modalities settled yet!

WC: Lady Agatha, I fear that my preliminary research int Mr. James Peter has turned up very little of use unless he is also the famous author. I am also unable to discover much in the way of an Ivory Coast (Côte d'Ivoire) bar association to check with.
If you wish me to pursue this further, I might suggest obtaining the name of the firm he works with. There are a relatively few law firms in Abidjan and it would not take much effort for me to check all of them.
I await your further instructions. --Crumbley


LADY A: My dear Crumbley, Thank you for your note. Nikky Mojo is to supply a picture of Mr. Peter. Perhaps you will have met him on your travels. Let us wait for this, then we shall proceed from there. Is the custard ready? Sir Marmite Luny-Binns tells me Her Highness Princess Margaret is due for lunch.

WC: Lady Agatha, I have news which may appear distressing at first glance, but I believe can be dealt with in a timely and satisfactory fashion. While I supervising one of the kitchen maids in the fruit selection for today's lunch, the silly girl was startled while I was instructing her in the proper technique for determining the freshness of mellons. Her sudden motion knocked the custard pot to the floor and I'm afraid the entire batch was ruined. I have dispatched a runner to the Indian restaurant just there on Pickford Way - they make quite an acceptable custard and I'm sure Princess Margaret will be unable to tell the difference. I assure you that everything will be ready in time. Crumbley

LADY A: Crumbley!! What are you playing at?
The Royal Bowden was one thing, but this is not acceptable. I shall send Agent Stroganov to investigate if matters are not attended to quickly.
Custard must be fresh, not some instant muck made by some foreign Johnny.
Please address this matter urgently.
Yours ever, A


NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,
I want to inform you that Barrister James Peter is a well known and respectable Ivorian lawyer who had practised law for over 20 years and he is 55 years old age and I am attaching his photo here.He is a good practising Methodist member.So call him and get back to me.

Yours ever,
Nikky Mojo



LADY AGATHA

Aug 22

My dear Nikky,

Thank you for this.

Crumbley? Do you recognize this man?





NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,
Remember that Barrister James Peter is of the Takore-Sakho-Kamara & Associates Abidjan,he is a well known and respected lawyer.
Yours ever
Nikky Mojo



LADY AGATHA

Aug 22

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your note. Relax, old chap. We only want to give you what you deserve.

Let us assess the situation and get back to you.



WEINER CRUMBLEY

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2005



Mr. Mojo, I thank you for the information. As I really don't have the time to research Mr. Peter more closely, I will assume since you have come forward with the name of the firm that he is associated with that he is a credible and competent attorney.

If I can be of any assistance to you please don't hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,
Weiner Crumbley


WC: Lady Agatha, This was sent directly to me by Mr. Mojo and I don't believe he copied you on it. I have attached my response which you also were not copied on. Maybe he should not be aware that you know he sent it to me or that I responded?
Crumbley


LADY A: Crumbley, Thank you for this.


LADY AGATHA

Mr. Mojo, kindly copy me into all correspondence with my staff. We cannot have a repeat of the Noogie Affair, you know.

Very well. I suggest we go with Mr. Peter and we can see how things develop.



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Please let us move faster so that we can transfer this money to your account before the presidential elections that are coming up by this October.Contact the barrister so that he will assist us.

Yours ever,

Nikky



LADY AGATHA

Aug 24

Dear Nikky (if I may),

Very well, young man.

Give me his details and I shall get Crumbley to give him a call. I am unaware of what time the telephone exchange opens in the Colonies but we shall call him immediately.

Remain blessed, as they say.


WC: Lady Agatha, As soon as I have been provided with the good barrister's number I shall contact him. Crumbley

LADY A: Very well. Mojo has sent it and I shall pass it on. A


NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Barrister James Peter's telephone number is +225 07 24 52 20.Tell him that you are calling on behalf of Nikky Mojo.

Yours ever,
Nikky



LADY AGATHA

Aug 25

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for this.

Crumbley, please call the gentleman to get the modalities started. I wonder if their native phone system will work. You know how jerry-rigged things are over there.


WC: Lady Agatha, The country code indicated looked a bit strange and when I looked it up it appears to be someplace in Africa. I seem to recall that you had mentioned that Mr. Mojo was living in Cote d'Rica (I don't mean to correct you but I believe it's pronounced Costa d' Rica) or someplace like that so I tried to call a number of times using +506 for country code but I'm afraid it was for naught.
It occurs to me that it may be because of the time difference between here and Costa d'Rica - can anyone tell me how many hours the time difference is? Once equiped with this information I shall try again. -- Crumbley


LADY A: My dear Crumbley, I trust you are well.
It was most pleasant to see you at Annie's last night. That party trick of yours certainly raised a few eyebrows in the Special Operations Department!
Do excuse the frivolity; to business, then.
This is, as you infer, rather strange to say the least.
One must admit that geography was not always my strongest point. But having spoken to Sir Jeffery Dahmer, our Information Minister, I understand the place we are looking for is known as Costa Lotta.
Please endeavour to obtain the dialling code and I am sure that modalities will begin.


WC: Lady Agatha,
I checked our very comprehensive directory and I'm sorry to say I find no reference to a Costa Lotta. Might you be referring to the Costa del Sol, which I believe to be an area in the south of France?
Perhaps Mr. Mojo could reconfirm his location and telephone country code.
Thank you. --Crumbley


LADY A: My dear Crumbley, Thank you for your note.
One was always under the impression that the Costa Del Sol was in Southern America, but you could well be correct.
I note that Mojo has sent a message to this office. Perhaps he could shed some light on this situation.
As ever, A



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,
I wish to remind you that the name of my country is Ivory Coast (Coted'ivoire ) and our dialing code is 225,so dial 225 07 24 52 20 to get Barrister James Peter.Ivory coast is my country's English name while Coted'ivoire is the French version.

Yours ever,
Nikky Mojo



LADY AGATHA

Aug 26

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your note.

Come come, dear fellow. An Ivory Coast? Surely such a phenomenon does not exist. I am prepared to make allowances for your callowness and Third World background but I must advise you that these modalities are not child's play.

Please advise myself and Weiner Crumbley the real location of Mr. Peter.


WC: Lady Agatha, I'm pleased to report that Mr. Mojo is absolutely correct. +225 is the country code for a country called Cote d'Ivoire (or Ivory Coast). I believe it's a country in west Africa, the capitol of which is Abidjan.
I am, however, still unable to determine the time difference between there and here. I will make an educated guess and try to call the good barrister during their working hours so as not to disturb.


LADY A: Excellent, old boy. Keep trying. That's the spirit! As ever, A


NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Our time here is G.M.T,the same time with London.The telephone is his private line.

Yours ever,
Nikky



LADY AGATHA

Aug 26

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your note.

Crumbley, please call as soon as you have finished attending to the maids in the pantry. Honestly - you spend far too much time in there, and you always come out rumpled and sweaty, according to Lord Tossov.

That aside, please have patience with the telephones in the Colonies. It is not unsual to have some foreign Johnny jabbering down the line.

As ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London

[The modalities prove challenging for Crumbley.]

WC: Lady Agatha,
I am sad to report that I am having more than a little difficulty with this phone number. I have tried no less than 5 times today, 3 of which resulted in electronic screeching on the other end. The other two times I reached a somewhat irate woman speaking a language I am unfamiliar with. The only words I was able to make out was some sort of reference to my mother. It was certainly not French - at the time I happened to be in very close proximity to Mimi, our French scullery maid and I passed the phone to her. She was also unable to communicate with the individual on the other end.
Might we inquire of Mr. Mojo what other languages are spoken in Ivory Coast? We have a number of accomplished liguists on the staff to select from if we can only determine the dialect that the barrister or his assistant speak.
--Crumbley


LADY A: My dear Crumbley, Thank you for your note.
This is indeed rather curious. One can only shudder to think of how these people live in the Colonies.
One must persever, however.
I must ask, Crumbley, what were you doing with a scullery maid? You are assigned to the Special Operations Department, not the Royal Custard Rooms.


NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Barrister James Peter also works on saturdays call him now with this telephone number 0022507245220, you will get him online.Dial this number direct,do not add any other code again.

Yours ever,
Nikky



LADY AGATHA

Aug 27

My dear Mojo,

Thank you for your note.

As you have seen, Crumbley is having severe difficulties reaching your chappie.

Does he have an e-mail address?

Do hurry, Mojo - we must get these modalities completed and delay is helping nobody.



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

I see no difficult in dialing this lawyer he said that he must hear from you before he can proceed further it is left for you to get him online or you can give the lawyer a number he can use to get you.As I said earlier delay can be dangerous.Call him 00(225)07245220

Yours ever
Nikky Mojo



LADY AGATHA

Aug 28

Dear Mojo,

Thank you for your e-mail.

That your lawyer does not seem to have a working telephone is nothing to do with us and I resent your insinuation that Crumbley is not trying his best.

Do not trifle with me, Mojo. I have dealt with the likes of you before. Keep a respectful tone, or it will be the worse for you.

We need a working e-mail address to continue modalities, or we shall place our substantial funds elsewhere.

Yours,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London


[Aug. 29th: Crumbley continues his efforts to reach the "Barrister.]

WC: Lady Agatha, Just a note to let you know that I have tried a number of times over the weekend to contact the good barrister, again without success. It is either the electronic screeching or the woman speaking in an unknown tongue and I have apparently disturbed her to the point where her responses can now also be described as screeching.
I'm afraid I'm at a loss and I await further instructions. -- Crumbley


LADY A: My dear Crumbley, Thank you for your note.
This is intolerable! However, I note that Mojo has sent a missive; I believe it contains the lawyer's e-mail address.
Let us hope that these tribal types have a grip on modalities.
Stand by for further instructions, Crumbley.
As ever, A


WC: Lady Agatha,
Thinking that it might be French that the irate woman answering the barrister's phone number might be speaking, I enlisted Mimi's help in translating. I have been aware for some time now that Mimi has an exceptional command of the French tongue and I am constantly prodding her to continue her rapid development in the field of translation.
I have indicated to Mimi that I may have a position open under me in the Special Ops Department - I must say she seems to have a certain feel for Special Ops situations and she handles herself quite well in close quarters. I assume your approval will be forthcoming. -- Crumbley


LADY A: My dear Crumbley, Thank you for your note.
Indeed, I shall go along with your recommendation. But a thorough background check on young Mimi will be required.
Please liaise with Agent Stroganov on this matter.




NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

Here is the lawyer's email address (jamespeterchamber@yahoo.com) .

Yours ever,
Nikky Mojo



LADY AGATHA

My dear Mojo,

Excellent old chap!

We shall contact him by e-mail. Let us hope that his internet connection is less rustic than his telephone line, what?



LADY AGATHA

Dear Mr. Peter,

Re: Nikky Mojo

This office has been approached by Nikky Mojo to discuss a fund transfer.

I understand that you are to represent him.

Please contact me with further details.

Yours sincerely,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London



And on August 31, the Barrister responds!



Lady Agatha Bristol,

I wish to acknowledge the receipt of your mail and the content therein,however,in line with the ethics of our legal profession,I shall in a short while be visiting the said bank to verify the authenticity of Nikky Mojo's claim and also the possibility of transferring the said Fund to your account in England.I shall update you with the classified information as soon as I am through with the bank.

Barr:James Peter (Esq)



LADY AGATHA

Dear Mr. Peter,

Very well. Let us hope that these modalities are completed soon.

In the meantime please copy any correspondence to me into my Executive Assistant, Weiner Crumbley. His e-mail address is xxxxx@xxxxxxxx.xx.xx.xxx

Yours sincerely

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London





Lady Agatha Bristol,

Nikky Mojo's father deposited the sum of $16.500.000 (Sixteen Million Five Hundred thousand Dollars) with Universal Trust Bank here in Abidjan.The money is genuine and legally transferable to any account that Nikky Mojo shall nominate and present to the bank.There shall be no taxation of any kind before the transfer of the Fund.However you shall procure a Document that can effect the transfer of the said Fund to your account,the Document is the Change of Ownership Certificate( Power of Attorney ),You shall hire a seasoned Attorney who shall procure this Document from the Ministry of Justice Abidjan,hence you will have to spend a legal fee's for that purpose.
Nikky on her own side shall provide the Original copy of the Deposit Certificate and her late father's Death Certificate.I have sincerely lived up to my promise of verifying this claim,you are not obliged to hire me as your Attorney you can hire another Attorney if you so desired.If you are also interested to hire me then I shall be grateful.For further verification contact me now through my telephone +225 07 24 52 20

Barr:James Peter(Esq)



LADY AGATHA

My dear Mr. Peter,

Thank you for your little note.

There seems to be some confusion.

I was under the impression that Nikky Mojo is a young man. Have you lost your Mojo?

Yours sincerely,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London


WEINER CRUMBLEY

Barrister Peter,

Lady Agatha's instructions were that any correspondence should be sent to her and copied (cc) to me. These should not be sent to me alone.

Lady Agatha, I think there is a very simple solution to this transaction. If Nikky Mojo is the legal heir to this account as the good barrister has verified, I see no need for any kind of documentation to effect the transfer of the money. I believe Nikky can obtain a certified check there at the bank and send it directly to you via DHL.

It would also appear from Barrister Peter's mail that Mr. Mojo is actually a Ms. Mojo. I will take it upon myself to write to her to verify. Has she given any indication as to her age, or has she sent you a picture?

Weiner


Lady A: My dear Weiner,

Thank you for this.

Whilst I should agree with you, I think that Barrister Peter needs to take a Temporary Oath of Allegiance, as Mojo has done.

I do not have a picture of Mojo, though I do find Barrister Peter rather dashing, I must say. Very studious. Please proceed with your enquiry.

Indeed, I would agree that these modalities are rather simple, to say the least, though I have a few legal questions for Barrister Peter. I read Law at Cambridge, after all.





To whom it may concern,

I wish to remind you that I am no longer interested in the transaction,thus,You can hire another Attorney.I wish not to offend her Majesty the Queen of England or any of her subordinates.

Our office have regard for humanity in general and the Great Britain in particular,I am a senior citizen, thus, not keen with the way and manner that I am addressed in this matter.Thanks for your mail so far.Long live her Majesty the Queen of England!!!!!.

Barr:James Peter (Esq)



LADY AGATHA

Dear Barrister Peter,

What on earth is this, old chap?

Have you been drinking?



WEINER CRUMBLEY

Nikky (if I may),

It appears that we may have been mis-addressing you. We have been under the impression that you are of the male persuasion, however, Barrister Peter referred to you as 'she' and 'her'. I would be very pleased if you would personally confirm your gender to me. I would also like to know your age.

Please get back to me on this.

Weiner Crumbley


Lady A: My dear Crumbley,

This whole thing is getting absurd!

Barrister Peter has said he no longer wishes to represent Mr/Ms Mojo.

What are we to do?



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Lady Agatha,

I wish to implore your honor with utmost humility to update me on the out come of the lawyers verification.

Yours ever,

Nikky Mojo



LADY AGATHA

My dear Mojo,

See below. What is going on?

I wish to remind you that I am no longer interested in the transaction,thus,You can hire another Attorney.I wish not to offend her Majesty the Queen of England or any of her subordinates. Our office have regard for humanity in general and the Great Britain in particular,I am a senior citizen, thus, not keen with the way and manner that I am addressed in this matter.Thanks for your mail so far.Long live her Majesty the Queen of England!!!!!. Barr:James Peter (Esq)



Is the cat out of the proverbial bag? The "barrister" may have rejected Lady Agatha, but Nikky hasn't given up on Lady Agatha's assistant, Weiner Crumbley.


NIKKY MOJO

Date: September 1, 2005
Subject: FROM NIKKY

Dear Crumbley,

I am sending you this mail with due sense of humility and responsibility and with the hope that you will give it an urgent and favourable consideration.

I contacted Lady Agatha over a month ago nowor thereabout to assist me transfer and invest the money I inherited from my late father Chief Daniel Mojo who was a well known Cocoa marchant in Ghana and Ivory coast(Coted'ivoire).

My late father was poisoined to death by his bussiness associates because of his wealth but before he died he called me by his bed side and tell me that if anything should happen to him that I should seek for a responsible foreign partner who will assist me to transfer and invest the money abroad and that such person will be able to help me relocate to his or her country and continue my education,he also instructed the bank that they should only transfer the money to any foriegn partner's account that I should nominate as the only daughter and next of kin.
I have tried so many times to make withdrawals but the bank refuses so I dicided to contact Lady Agatha to assist me but unfortunately,I do not like the way she is handling this matter,I am considering looking for another person who will assist me,I WILL OFFER SUCH A PERSON 15% of the total money as compensation for his efforts.

The lawyer called me this morning and tell me that Lady Agatha is not serious that she is a bragard and a joker,that she is insultive and that she lacks good mannerism so I am confused.The lawyer told me that if I nominates any person and bring the sworn affidavit of the person to the bank that they will transfer the money to that persons account.So if you are interested then tell me so that we can contact the lawyer so the he will do it for us,remember that I am now an orphan so dont try to cheat me or delay me with much Agathalistic protocol.I am the right person to choose whom my foreign partner will be.I am attaching my picture here.

Yours ever
Nikky Mojo


WC: Lady Agatha, This is the second note I received from Nikky. You will be bcc'd on all further confidential correspondence between Nikky and I. I think if it arrives addressed to you with no other names in the address of cc's it is safe to assume that Nikky doesn't know you've received it. Hope that made sense. Crumbley


WEINER CRUMBLEY

Sept 2

Nikky,

It was very nice to receive your letter and picture. You are much, much more attractive than I thought you would be.

You didn't mention how much money you are trying to move but I presume it is several thousand dollars. Your proposal for me to help you is quite tempting. I can't think of a more ideal situation than to have both a beauty like yourself and that money in my care. Yes indeed, you do tempt me greatly.

However, it would probably not be wise of me to risk my job for 15% of a few thousand dollars. Besides, if Lady Agatha ever found out that I had done it without her consent she would probably have my badoobies as a kebab.

However, once you are here I hope we can become very close friends. I will see what I can do to eliminate some of the 'Agathalistic protocol' (that's a good one! I might put that on the wall of the men's restroom here at the office) as you so cleverly put it. I'm still chuckling.

Nikky dear, please do write again and we will keep our correspondence just between ourselves.

I must keep this short. Mimi, the French just walked by the office and something big has come up.

Potentially yours,
Weiner



NIKKY MOJO

Dear Crumbley,

The amount deposited by my late father is $16.500.000 (Sixteen Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars).If you can please tell me so that I will know.I will give you 15% OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT as compensation for your efforts.

Yours ever
Nikky



WEINER CRUMBLEY

SIXTEEN MILLION?? DOLLARS??

Nikky, there must be some mistake. I could understand sixteen thousand, but SIXTEEN MILLION?? C'mon, you're kidding me, right? Do you mean like maybe sixteen million lira? Or sixteen million won, or something like that?

Weiner


WC: Lady Agatha, We need to have a conversation 'off the modality record', so to speak.
I got a note from Nikky confirming her gender as female. I sent a note back to her, did not copy you, apologizing for the error of referring to her as 'Mr.' and offering her my assistance between the two of you. I also told her that I would keep correspondence between her and myself confidential so that I could use my influence with you to move things along. She has sent me her picture (cutie) and more or less offered me the opportunity to complete the transaction.
I will forward the correspondence to you. My question is, how do you want me to play this? She seems to be the kind of woman I could develop strong feelings for so I would very much like to put the old Crumbly moves on her. As far as modalities go, I'm thinking of insisting that you continue to be the main player but I will help her in any way I can short of phasing you out.
What do you think? Weiner


Lady A: My dear Crumbley, Thank you for this.
I shall certainly be interested to hear Nikky Mojo's reaction when I tell her I know what she is trying to do here. As ever, A


LADY AGATHA

Mojo!

What the hell are you doing, trying to corrupt my staff? How dare you!

Explain yourself!!



LADY AGATHA

Mojo:

This is the second sinister e-mail I have discovered during a meeting in Crumbley's office.

What is going on here? I thought these modalities were risk-free!

You had better explain yourself. Quickly.


Dear Crumbley,

The amount deposited by my late father is $16.500.000 (Sixteen Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars).If you can please tell me so that I will know.I will give you 15% OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT as compensation for your efforts.

Yours ever

Nikky



[ It seemed as if things were at a standstill. But then Nikky bounced back with a final attempt to close the deal.]


NIKKY MOJO

Beloved Lady Agatha,

I sincerely wish to apologize for the recent development,it is not my intention to corrupt any of your staff,please do accept my apology.I was only trying to express my mind and opinion.As I told you earlier,I am an opharn and have no one to assist me.

The recent protocol,I must confess is not helping my condition.Our country is about to hold a presidential election by this October and as you had known the country had surfered severy civil war and it is likely that there might be another war by October.I had sent you my picture and informed you of my gender but you had been either mocking or delaying me by addressing me as Mr or boy,did I look like a boy?.You asked the lawyer that I contacted if "he had lost his mojo?".You are making fun of me and my late parents.

It is not in my character to insult any personality or corrupt any constituted authority like yours,remember that I am obliged to contact another person that can fasting this transfer if you are not ready to do exactly what barrister James Peter told you.He emailed you to inform you on how to transfer the money but ignore and insulted him by advising him to swear your oaths and by sugesting to him that what he is saying is not correct.He had agreed to continue his service but that he will not want any correspondence from you except your personal informations and the account name that will be used to transfer the money.Remember that we are not English people or a part of England so will not do things exactly the way the English people does.

I am willing to do this transaction with you if you are still intereted but if you are not then barrister James Peter will assist me to get another foreign partner.I am sorry if I have offended you in writing or in protocol.Your excellency please forgive your daughter.

Yours ever

Nikky Mojo



LADY AGATHA

My dear Nikky,

Thank you for your note.

I should suggest that we start afresh, and put our differences in the past.

Please have Barrister Peter contact this office and we shall get modalities moving once again.





<jamespeterchamber@yahoo.com>

Dear Lady Agatha,

You are requested to send your personal information such as your Age, Occupation, Gender,Nationality and Full postal address for the procurement of the Power of Attorney on your behalf.You shall also send my legal fee's of £1500 (One Thousand Five Hundred Pounce).Send the fee's immediately through
Western Union Money Transfer to

Name: James Peter
City: Abidjan
Country: Ivory coast


[Apparently there is only one Western Union office in Abidjan, or perhaps James Peter is as well known (and imaginary) as Santa Claus, c/o North Pole. ]


LADY AGATHA

Sept 5

My dear Peter,

How very nice to hear from you once again. I trust you are well.

Here are my details:

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations
Suite 419
Foreign Office
221b Baker Street
London UR1 CNT

I note with interest the £1,500 you are demanding, rather amusingly (if not intentionally) using the word 'pounce'.

However, I should like to know what this money is for. We require a full breakdown of fees payable before I authorise Weiner Crumbley, my Executive Assistant, to release the funds.

Do you accept Bowden Transfers?

Yours ever

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London





Dear Lady Agatha,
Overtly,the amount charged by the Ministry of Justice in the procurement of the said Document is very negligible but due to your absence before the Commissioner for Oaths to swear the Affidavit and the volume of the amount involved in the transaction and other African factors involved the 1,500 thus become necessary as my legal fee's.It is evident that the Document shall be procured by me on your behalf as the Attorney representing you the Proxy Holder.
You can pay through my bank account but the
Western Union Money Transfer is more faster,hence it is advisable to use the medium for the payment of the legal fee's.Bowden Transfers is not suitable at this moment.Pay immediately and send the payment information to my email box.Thanks for your anticipated cooperation.

Barr:James Peter(Esq)



LADY AGATHA

Sept 6

My dear Peter,

Thank you for your note.

I am sorry to nitpick, old thing, but what are "other African factors"? Are you suggesting that we pay bribes?

The Foreign Office's reputation is above the Third World system of baksheesh and backhanders. That's what happens when you grant countries independence, one supposes.

[As we Colonials know very well.]

How does this sound as a counter proposal? We shall come to visit you in your little country, and we shall pay the "very negligible" amount to which you refer. As a reward for your patience, we shall give you £1,000 in cash. You could buy something for your wives, perhaps.

Maybe after we could take tea, or visit a goat market.

This alternative plan means that we shall save £500 whilst not having to enter into any ghastly negotiations with some chattering native official.

We can be with you within two days, and Weiner Crumbley, my Executive Assistant, can see to all travel modalities.

Please do think about this, James (if I may), as we feel this makes more sense.

God help you, as we say.





Agatha,(so called)

Not as if that I am not aware that you are not whom you claimed to be or that I am naive of the fact that you are a top scammer.Classified search about you have suggested that you are associated with scam and you are only joking and you are using all this correspondence as evident for your treacherous projection.Do not write to me again otherwise I will teach you a small lesson in the esoteric world.

Barr:James Peter(Esq)



LADY AGATHA

Sept 7

My dear Peter,

What on earth is this about, old chap? Have you been drinking? Modalities are pressing and we cannot have this native intemperance.

[And talking of scammers, Crumbley, have you checked the 419 database for Mr. Peter's name?]

And it's Lady Agatha to you.

WC: Lady Agatha, Yes, I did check the 419 database and the good barrister is indicated as a less-than-successful scam artist. In the remarks field it indicates that he is a product of inbreeding and has the IQ of a turnip.
Do you want me to go down there and lay some heavy voodoo on his ass? -- Weiner


Lady A: Sept 7
My dear Crumbley,
Of course he was, old chap. But then we knew that from the beginning, when "Nikky Mojo" contacted us, that this was all a 419 scam.
It's been rather amusing, wasting their time and money, hasn't it? However, I believe in grace in defeat and humbleness in victory, so seeing as we've strung them along for so long, let us be humble.
The good barrister deserves credit for finding out what this office does, though of course far, far too late as we've already had our fun, so to speak.



LADY AGATHA

So congratulations, 'Peter', you evil-minded, greedy, lazy fat old man. You've had the full treatment from The Special Operations Department.

Have a nice day.

Now get lost, mugu.

As ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London


WC: Damn! Does this mean that the lovely Nikky won't be joining us here?

Lady A: I'm afraid so, Weiner, old fruit.
But please don't take this wrongly. Mojo and Peter are probably the two same mentally retarded mugus.
As Agent Stroganov would say, the same shoulder-pad wearing shyster, pecking away at an old keyboard in Lagos.
Do pop over for drinkies at Annie's this evening, and we can take a toast to our victory.
-- As ever, A


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