MIRKINS AWAY

[No I didn't know what a mirkin was, but I do now! Jeepers! So will you if you look it up ;>} ]

From Capt. Slog aka Alex Wale, hero of Dead Again, Billy Graham and Ben Blessed.

Like many before me, I have been contacted by the son Liberian Ex-president, Charles Taylor.
I had a lot of fun with this one, there just seemed to be no end to what he would believe.
Keep up the good work, and don't let the custard grow cold.
-- Capt. Slog

Cast

Away Team:
Joseph Taylor, lad posing as the son of Charles Taylor, the ex-president of Liberia
George D. Hill, security firm lad in Holland

And on the home side:
Alex Wale, aurally challenged Mirkin Maker


Joseph Taylor

Sat, 17 Jun 2006

Received: from mail.com ([196.207.245.160])
Reply-To: <mrjoferss@mixmail.com>
From: "Joseph Taylor" <jetorexi6@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Greetings From Taylor

Dear Sir,
Please read this mail with good faith. My name is Mr.Joseph Taylor, son of Mr. Charles Taylor, the ex-president of Liberia.

I have some money I would like to invest into your company, or where you do not want any investment into your company, I will need your assistance to make a credible investment in your country.

I will appreciate it if you could please get back to me urgently as I have already moved the money to Europe, and therefore, movement would not constitute any problem.

I look forward to your reply via this my private email address: mrjoferss@mixmail.com

Best regards,
Joseph Taylor



Alex Wale

19th June

Dear Mr Taylor,

I don't know how you came by my name or knew about my company, but your offer of investment is both timely and welcome, please tell me more.

Alex Wale

MMM Ltd


[MMM stands for Magnificent Mirkin Manufacture]


Joseph Taylor

19 June

Dear Alex,

I am appreciative of your mail and equally excited with your readiness to do business with me.As for me i will appreciate we go into real estate or stock exchange for it is highly profitable.But i will want you to suggest and also advise on the best place to invest.

I want you to assist me invest this money in your country. The amount I want to invest is US$12.5M. Whereby investment opportunity does not exist in your country, I would appreciate it if you could guide me to invest in other Asia countries where the money will be safe, and devoid of speculative benefits. Please be informed that I have secured the funds, which we are to use for the investment.

I want you to know that I prayed fervently before I was moved to write you. Something inside me makes me believe you are sincere enough to handle this business. This is why I am trusting you 100% to handle this matter for me.

As regards the position of the money, it is in a security company in Holland. I used the services of a registered security company to move the money out of my country Liberia shortly before my father was removed from power as the President of Liberia. The money was moved under a perfect diplomatic arrangement. The initial arrangement was for me to travel to Holland to claim the consignment. But events tuned when my father was removed from office and embargo was placed on the entire family restricting us from making any trips outside Liberia. My request at this moment is for you to assist in claiming the money from the security company since my initial arrangement of travelling has failed as a result of the embargo placed on our movements.

I am trusting you fully for this operation, and it is my sincere hope that you would not let me down. I am going to be very sincere with you in the process of this claim and I would ask you to please do the same for me. For your contributions and assistance, you will keep 15% of the total sum for yourself. You will invest the balance for me and be in a position to coordinate the investment till I have sorted myself out and come to meet you.

I will appreciate you send the following information to enable me issue you a power of attorney that will empower you to act on my behalf and compel the security company to treat you as my representative.

1. Your full name
2. Your authentic address &
3. Your private telephone number.

Please send the above-mentioned information in your next mail to enable me start immediate action on the claim process.

Thanks in advance for your anticipated cooperation and understanding.

Waiting to read your mail.
Best regards,
Joseph Taylor

NB: I believe your email address is secured and confidential for this transaction to avoid any leakage of the process of this claim,please keep this deal to you and only yourself to avoid any leakage.Remember my father is in detention now and all eyes is on our family,When we know better i will introduce you in gold and diamond business but lets conclude this one first.i have also obtained a new secured email address for our correspondence. You can further contact me through this email address: joselfimage@yahoo.co.in



Alex Wale

June 20th

Dear Mr Taylor,

I am pleased that you are keen to go forward with your plans, but I will need some assurances of the legality of this venture. The Customs and Excise people of the UK would be interested to know where and how this money came from, as I would be forced to declare it. So, where did it come from? and why do you need help to invest it? I'm not a financial expert, and surely you could find someone more suitable that is.
My first thought is, that this money came from drugs or other shady dealings in the Congo. How much Um Bongo changed hands behind Tesco's to mount up to 12.5 million US dollars?
Forgive me if you find this insulting in any way, but you can understand my caution.
I am self employed, and have to fill in all sorts of forms for tax. My accountant would be asking the same questions I can assure you. My life savings are tied up in my little venture, I'd hate to see it all confiscated.
Hope you can set my mind at rest.
Yours
Alex Wale
MMM Ltd.


[I don't know if it still exists, but 'Um Bongo' was a children's juice drink which came in a carton. The advert on TV ran; "Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo."]


Joseph Taylor

June 28th

Good evening Mr.Alex,

Thanks for your mail and i will want you to please come out fully with all your heart to assist me in claiming this money from the security company for us to invest the money in any good profitable business you know,like stock exchange.

As you have asked for the legality of the deal,i will like you to send me your contact information's in full as i have requested from you earlier and as soon as i have your contact information's i will first of all attach and send you the deposit certificate and also as soon as the lawyer comes back with the power of attorney which will be on your name ,i will as well attach and send it to you followed by the contact of the security company for you to contact them immediately and ask them to deliver the consignment to you.And i will also want you to know that it was declared as family treasury worth $12.5m and not cash.

So my good friend, i will be waiting for your urgent response and do not forget to send me your contact information's.For more details,you can always contact me on my direct telephone number which is: 00221 471 9649

Thanks and remain bless,

Joseph

N B: I want you to know that noting is wrong accept that i will be very happy if the UN can grant my father bail.



Alex Wale

June 29th

Hello Mr Taylor,

Thankyou for writng back to me and setting my mind at rest.

You asked for my full details, these are.

Alex Wale
14 3/4 Adrian Mole Towers
Townsend
Nottingham
NG18 6JW

Age 47
Date of Birth 29-02-1959
Unmarried.

I hope your father's detention was not too arduous, I was always being kept in after school, it was a right bastard.

Yours

Alex Wale

MMM ltd



Joseph Taylor

June 30th

Dear Mr.Alex,

Thanks for your mail and i am in receipt of your contact information's,i just finish discussing with the lawyer who will help us go to Liberia to obtain the power of attorney on your behalf and he has agreed to help us,he will be travelling to Liberia any moment from now and hopefully,he will come back with the document before Monday.I have sent my personal assistance to go and pay him half of his charges to enable him commence work immediately and i believe before monday he will come back with the document and as soon as he comes back i will scan and send it to you,I am attaching my photo below and i hope to have your photo when replying back. I will explain every thing in details for you as we progress.Also i want you to send me your direct telephone number for we need to have oral discussion or you can still call me on this number: 00221 471 9649

Please tell me is it save to invest in Nottingham? and as for me i would want us to invest in stock exchange or real estate.Or what do you think?Also please i want you to keep this transaction to only yourself to avoid any leakage of this transaction,you know in a sucessful business there must be a risk and i have thanking the risk of trusting you and i have taking you as my partner and my brother believing that you will not disappoint me.

For more details you are welcome to call me any time on my direct telephone which is : 00221 471 9649 for more details.
Waiting to read your mail.
Best regards,
Joseph Taylor.


[With this came his photograph]
[Scam-o-note: A smiling man in a suit - looks nothing like Charles Taylor]


Alex Wale

June 30th

Hello Friend Joe,

It is certainly safe to invest in Nottingham; there are a lot of places just begging for money to make extra growth. There are also several worthy institutions and charities that are deserving of a bit of extra finance, and I think it would be a good and kindly gesture to put some of your money into these; you don't always have to invest with a view to profit.

I must say that you look very smart in your photograph, it is clear that you are a man of means and integrity.

You have asked me to phone you. This I'm afraid presents a problem. I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I'm deaf, and have been since a tragic childhood accident involving two sharp pencils, a couple of rubber bands and a liquid lunch. My entire means of communication is either via sign language or the Internet. I don't own a phone at all. So we'll just have to get along without it, won't we?

I look forward to hearing from you soon. I see that you would like a photograph of me too, I don't have many as I live alone and there's no-one to take them. I do have one on my drivers license though, will that do?

Alex Wale


[I always feign deafness to avoid having to use the phone or make up any excuses not to. I hope that no-one takes offence at this; it's not my intention to cause any.]


Joseph Taylor

July 3rd

Dear Alex,

I want your personal picture or your drivers lincense and also i want you to please give me your phone number or you can call me on this number :00221 471 9649 for it will be very good that wer have oreal discussion because this is a big money we are discussing her.

Regards,
Joseph.



Alex Wale

July 4th

Dear Joe,

I'm very cross. Are you making fun of my condition?

I told you in my last email that I am completely deaf, SO HOW THE HELL CAN I PHONE YOU OR YOU PHONE ME? A telephone conversation requires the use of ears!

Please read your emails more carefully in future.

Alex



Joseph Taylor

July 5th

Dear Alex,

My good friend i dont understand why you should be sounding this way,how can i on earth make fun of your condition while i call you my partner.No it is not true and you know it, for i am a good christian and i dont make fun of people rather i associate with all for we all are the same.I remember when i was in secondry school my mother use to saperate me from the poor ones but i tell her no that we all are the same and she always tell me then that i dont belong to that kind of people but i use to tell her then that it is not through and i can never beliver it.

Again,i will like to know how you are going to communicate with the security company and when you go to the security companies office in holand to claim the money,how do you communicate with them?that is what i will like to know before i can go on and pay the lawyer to obtain the power of attorney on your behalf.I hope you understand me for it is money that i am going to spend to secure the power of attorney for you in your name.

Thanks and waiting to hear from you soon.

Regards,
Joseph.



Alex Wale

July 5th

Dear Joe,

Ok, so you are not making fun of my condition, but it is certainly very forgetful of you to ask me to phone when you know that there would be no point.

You say that I have to go to Holland? I must have missed this bit somewhere; I didn't know I had to go to Holland. How will I comunicate with them you ask. Well, at the moment it will be by e-mail, if they speak English of course, if they don't speak english, then it won't matter whether I'm deaf or not will it? If I ever get to Holland, I'll do what I always do, take a note pad and pen and write down what I want to say.

Over here I speak to fellow deaf people using British Sign Language, it is unlikely that anyone in Holland will know this, as the signs tend to change from country to country. With non-BSL people, I am able to lip-read if they have good diction.

Hope this answers all your queries.

Alex Wale



Joseph Taylor

July 6th

Dear Alex,

Thanks for your mail and i can understand that you really want to assist me in this deal and also help me to invest it in a good and proper way where it will benefit two of us.God will bless you for that and i also want to know if really you can travel to the security company in Holland,and if yes can you be able to pay them the dumorage because as i know they must ask for the dumorage before they can hand you over the two boxes containing the money.You know it has been with them since 2001 so there is no way they will not demand for the dumorage from you but i don't know the amount it will be.

And another option is that you can ask them to deliver the consignment to you in your home but they will still ask you for the delivery charges,so are you able to foot the bill?I am trying to be truthful to you so that you will not fill bad when they ask you for such fee okay.

Thanking you and waiting to hear from you soon.

Regards,
Joseph.



Alex Wale

Hi Joe,

If I'd had to go to Holland, I was quite prepared to, WANKERS but all the same I'm relieved that there is another way and I don't have to. I'm sure I could have got by, but you can never tell with the continentals, their diction makes lip reading very difficult.

Also, I would have had to take some days away from the shop, and I didn't really want to do that at the moment. The show "Oh Calcutta!" is opening next week in Nottingham. I don't know if you are familiar with the show, but it involves a lot of nudity. The producers wanted it to be as close to the original 1960's version as possible, and in these days of the 'Brazilian' and 'shaven havens', then the only SHIT recourse is for the performers to wear mirkins, and this is a big boost for my little shop.

You said something about "dumorage", do you mean demurrage by any chance? I'll have to see what this amount comes to and then decide if it will be worth my while going to fetch it myself. As a rough estimate, taking into account flights, loss of earnings and ARSE accomodation, then if it is less than £3000, I might as well pay to have it delivered.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Alex Wale


[You will have noticed the SWEAR WORDS in the above e-mail. This was the start of a ploy where my computer had been infected with the 'Tourettes Virus', which unknown to the user, sprinkles all outgoing mails with random profanity. The next step was that his PC would 'get it' too and so I could be outraged at the stuff he was sending me. Strangely, he never once mentioned it, so I eventually dropped the idea.]


Joseph Taylor

July 7th

Dear Mr Alex,

Thanks for your mail ,i just finish discussing with the lawyer who will help us go to Liberia to obtain the power of attorney on your behalf and he has agreed to help us,he will be travelling to Liberia any moment from now and hopefully,he will come back with the document before monday evening.I have sent my personal assistance to go and pay him half of his charges to enable him commence work immediately and i believe before Monday he will come back with the document and as soon as he comes back i will scan and send it to you,I am still waiting for your driver's license which you said that you will send to me,or is your personal picture ready?If it is ready then scan and send it to me immediately as i have sent you my picture but where by it is not ready then please try and send me your driver's license as you have promised.

Please tell me is it save to invest in your country? and as for me i would want us to invest in stock exchange.Or what do you think?I will like to know your opinion.

The amount that they will charge for the demurrage and to deliver to you in your home is what i dont know,so let us wait till the lawyer comes back with the power of attorney then i will give you all that you need to contact the security company and the GOLD CARD number together with the CODES which you will use to open the boxes.With this CODE and the GOLD CARD number as a member then they will see you as the original onwer of the two boxes containing the money,but please remember not to tell them that it is money,you will tell them that it is a family treasury for that is what we told them when depositing the boxes.

About the show you made mention of,i would want you to forget about the show and focus on this deal for the show can never profit you as this deal will profit you okay.So if you can make it to there office in Holand,i would love it that way for that would have be the best.

Waiting to read your mail.
Best regards,
Joseph Taylor.



Alex Wale

July 10th

Dear Joe,

Forget the show? No profit? You must be joking! I've been BOLLOCKS weaving pubic hair non-stop all weekend, and for a cast of 50 people at £100 a go including fitting, its made me quite a bit of cash I can tell you. AND they all need two each! (one on and one in the wash). Business has never looked better, perhaps you could get into Mirkins, there's always an opening. And of course it's safe to invest in the UK, the British economy has never looked better. WANKERS

Anyway, I told you that I was quite prepared to let a courier handle all this for me. I don't really fancy Holland, a friend of mine went on a hill walking FUCKWIT tour there and was very disappointed.

I'm looking forward to having some extra cash though, I'm thinking about the time when the old eyesight gets really old and I can't see what I'm doing. It will be nice to have a good fund to retire with, so keep up the good work Joe.

Yours
Alex Wale



Joseph Taylor

July 10th

Dear Mr.Alex,

I am happy to inform you that I have secured the Power of Attorney. The Lawyer was also able to prevent the Registrar from calling you to verify some issues. Now it is done. Congratulations. I am hereby sending you the copy of the Power of Attorney via email attachment. I hope you will receive it clearly. I am very happy with the way and manner you are handling this transaction. At the same time, I want to assure you that everything is under control and I promise you that you will not regret your involvement in this transaction. Upon the receipt of the Power of Attorney from the Registrar through the lawyer, I quickly commenced the processes regarding your trip to Amsterdam and I am hereby handing you down the Transaction codes for your trip to Amsterdam .

The name of the contact person you will meet in Amsterdam is MR.GEORGE HILL. He is the Admin. Director in the affiliate security and Finance in Amsterdam.

Contact of the security company:-
ADB VAULTS AND SECURITY
TEL.+31617638287
FAX:+31 182 504 773.
Email: adbvaults@mail.com

Contact person is Mr.GEORGE D HILL, You will need to call this gentleman on the telephone number above. The purpose of the call is to inform him that you are now the beneficiary of my consignment and to confirm to him your date of arrival for the delivery of the consignment and deposit in the bank which they shall assist you open. They will request that you send the copy of the Power of Attorney for confirmation before they can grant you access to the fund. You should also ask them the convenient hotel to stay for the period of the transaction.

This process of opening account in your name in Amsterdam and depositing the cash into the account is very classified and it is only accorded to GOLD CARD members of the ADB organisation and this GOLD CARD members includes Heads of States in Africa, former ministers and very top Government officials. My father is a GOLD CARD member, and through his contacts the consignment was deposited on that capacity. You should therefore present yourself as Gold card member. Your transaction pass code is "KK11WT". You must mention this code to MR. GEORGE HILL when you call him before he can give you any information regarding the consignments. The mentioning of the code above shows that you are the beneficiary of the funds in their custody. You must not let MR. GEORGE know that you are NOT a Gold card member.

Upon your arrival in Amsterdam, and you are asked of the GOLD CARD, just quote the pass code and tell them that you forgot the card at home. The two boxes is a big silver box with opening code numbers "1771". Note that you must memorise the numbers because you will be the person to open the suit cases upon delivery and that is a strong proof of ownership and identity. If you fail to open the boxes with the correct code numbers, you may be denied ownership to the consignments. You must know that the only persons who knows the contents of the consignments are your humble self, MR.GEORGE and myself.

Once delivery of the funds have been taken by you, you will be accompanied by MR. GEORGE to the bank for the opening of the account and lodgements of the funds into the account you have opened in Amsterdam. Upon the completion of this process, you will then issue instructions for the bank to wire to your bank in any part of the world. These whole exercise will only take you less than one day to accomplish. Note that you must first contact MR. GEORGE and both of you can agree on a convenient date.

Please take note of all these instructions to avoid making mistakes. I want you to get back to me immediately after discussing with the security company.

Thank you very much.
Very truly yours.
Joseph Taylor.


[A "Power of Attorney" letter came attached to the above.]




Alex Wale

July11th

Dear Joe,

Thankyou for the power of WANK attorney letter, though I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it.

You really should read my emails more carefully. I've FUCKWIT told you twice now that I have absolutely no intention of going to Holland , and you said that this would not be a necessity, so why do you keep writing emails to the effect that I am going to make this trip?

I AM NOT GOING TO HOLLAND
BOLLOCKS
I AM NOT GOING TO HOLLAND

Have you got this bit now?

I don't even have a passport!

I'm sorry if I come over as a little cross, but I've been very busy here and not had a lot of sleep recently. The cast of 'Oh Calcutta' have been in and out of my shop at all hours requiring fittings and adjustments of their mirkins. The one saving ARSE grace, apart from the money I'm making, is that all the cast members that needed mirkins are female, and I haven't had to call in my occasional lady helper, Mrs Tweedy. I must tell you in strictest confidence, that I love the fittings!

Alex Wale


[I sent my usual fake driver's license]


Joseph Taylor

July 11th

Dear Mr.Alex,
If you can not make it to Holland then contact the security company and ask them what it will cost you for them to help you and deliver to you in your place.

Please be aware that this is not a childish play so you have to be serious,i am waiting to hear from you soon and to know the out come of your discussions with the security company.

Regards,
Joseph.



[He wants me to write to George D. Hill, who will become Mr D'Hill for the sake of confusion.]

Alex Wale

July 12th

Dear Joe,

I've written to Mr D'Hill of the vault company WANK today, and told him that I want your cash out of there. I gave him the number, and now I'm just waiting to find out what to do next.

I'm not taking any of this as childish play, and I was quite annoyed that you thought I was, how dare you be so patronizing? Don't worry, I'm quite capable of sorting things out, and I won't tell him anything FUCKWIT about me not being a Gold Card member.

Yours
Alex Wale



Alex Wale

July 12th

Dear Mr D'Hill,

I've been asked to write to you by Joe Taylor in relation to his consignment that is in your vaults, and to arrange transfer of the same to the UK.

The transaction passcode is KK17WT.

Mr Taylor asked me to come in person to Holland, but I am unable to do so. I have a heavy work commitment at the moment, and I am completely deaf; which I find makes foreign travel a daunting experience.

I've attached a document "power of attorney" for your records.

Please tell me what I do next.

Alex Wale



Joseph Taylor

Dear Mr.Alex, July 13th

Good that you have contacted the security company and let us Wait and hear from them first before we know what to do next okay,and do not forget to get back to me before you respond to any thing they tell you.

Regards,
Joseph.



[and then I waited. I'm not very patient, and not inclined to long silences to keep them guessing, I like to keep things stirring.]

Alex Wale

July 18th

Joe,

I've not heard anything from the security company, any idea what is going on?

Alex



Joseph Taylor

July 19th

Dear Alex,

It is your duty to be reminding them for it is you that there are serving, so write them again and ask them what is going on.

Joseph



[ So, it's become my duty has it? Well, I'm not one to shirk duty.]

Alex Wale

July 19th

Dear Mr D'Hill,

I wrote to you a week ago but have received no reply.

Come-on man! Get your bloody finger out and tell me what's going on!

Alex Wale



Alex Wale

July 19th

Dear Joe,

I've written to D'Hill again and told him to please hurry up.

Alex



Alex Wale

July 25th

Dear Joe,

I've still heard nothing from that D'Hill chap.

I think you've picked the wrong place to put your money; the man is as much use as a chocolate teapot! I've written to him twice now and he hasn't even as much as acknowledged my letter.

Yours
Alex Wale



Alex Wale

July 25th

Dear Mr D'Hill,

PLEASE REPLY.

I've written to you twice now, TWICE! and you haven't even had the decency to reply to my mails.

Of all the places that Mr Taylor could have asked to handle his money, yours must have been the worst option. I've written to Mr Taylor about this, and I think I will ask him to find another vault/security company to handle this operation

Alex Wale



George Hill

July 25th

Compliments of the day Mr. Wale.

I had a brief holiday and came back just this morning to the office.

My sincere apologies for the late reply.

Please provide a telephone number with which to contact you immidiately.

May i still remain, faithfully yours,

George Hill.



Alex Wale

July 25th

Mr D'Hill,

At Last! I'd almost given up on you. Strange idea that the whole of your company comes to a grinding halt when you go on your hols, do you take the keys with you? Ah well, never mind, you're here now.

You've asked me for my telephone number. This shows you haven't really read my emails. You'll see when you do that I'm completely deaf, so even if I had a phone, I wouldn't hear it ring, and any conversations would be rather one sided. Perhaps we'd better stick to email.

Yours
Alex Wale


[I never figured out the point in Mr. George D. Hill, because that was the last I heard of him, obviously the lads had a change of tactic.]


Joseph Taylor

July 27th

Dear Alex,

Please i am suggesting that you write the finance firm direct,i mean the ADB(African Development Bank) here in senegal for i believe since this consignment is from africa that they should hasten things up by transfering the money to you quicker than there affiliavete company in Holland.

But that way will cost us money to secure the needed documents to facilitate the transfer.So tell me are you ready to assist me and pay the charges ? If yes let me know immediately and i will send my personall assistance to start action immediately for we have waisted a lot of time in this matter and i dont like it that way.

Do not write the company again and i wait to here from you to know if we should pull the money from here.

Waiting to hear from you soon.

Regards,
Joseph



Alex Wale

July 27th

Dear Joe,

Why the hell did you put the money in Holland in the first place? It was in London originally, then you shifted it to Canada, and then it went to that prat D'Hill in Holland . For god's sake man, get a grip and stop fidgeting!

You say the "we have wasted (spelling by the way) a lot of time in this matter", WRONG! You have wasted the time, not me.

Sure I'll help you with the charges, but lets give the Dickhead in Holland a few more days to get over his jet-lag and see what pans out first. Your money will be getting travel sick.

I'm having problems here too. The show "Oh Calcutta" was a great success and I sold and fitted a lot of mirkins, unfortunately too many. I now have a condition known as the 'Mirkin Makers Mange', it affects the skin and nailbeds of the thumbs and is caused by too frequent insertion into warm, damp places. It makes typing the very devil, as I am a touch-typist and my thumbs usually do the space bar. It's not easy with these bandages on.

Hope to here from you soon.

Alex Wale


[I confess to being very confused here, it was a problem from having too many scams arrive in Alex's in-box at the same time. Joe made no mention that I can find of the money ever being anywhere other than Holland, I got mixed up with another scammer. Perhaps I owe him an apology? Nope!]


Joseph Taylor

Aug 4th

From Joe,

Hello,

There is no time again so i still think it will be better we do it that way as i have earlier suggested.



Alex Wale

Aug 7th

Dear Joe,

Sorry for the delay, I've been out of action for a few days as the Mirkin Makers Mange spread to my feet and put me hospital for a few days. You'll be pleased to know that I'm ok now; my thumbs are completely healed and my heels are completely thumbed and I'm ready for action.

So, now you want me to write to some outfit in Senagal? But I thought that the consignment was in Holland with that prat D'Hill? (is that man useless or what?).

You'd better let me have the address of the ADB.

Alex


[Actually, the "Mirkin Makers Mange" was when I went away for a few days holiday.]


Joseph Taylor

Aug 8th

Dear Alex,

Good Morning,

Listen,it is not a question of giving you the address of the ADB BANK but it is a question of been able to secure the needed documents that will back us up and it will require some money to secure those documents and that is why i am writting you now to ask you how much you can be able to assist me with so that i can look for a good lawyer who will help us secure the documents in your favour.

Waiting to hear from you soon.



Alex Wale

Aug 8th

Dear Joe,

On July 27th, you wrote:

"Please i am suggesting that you write the finance firm direct,i mean the ADB(African Development Bank) here in senegal for i believe since this consignment is from africa that they should hasten things up by transfering the money to you quicker than there affiliavete company in Holland."

Now you are saying that you don't want me to write to them after all?

I'm getting very confused by all this. You seem to be able to move this money all around the world at whim. So far it has been in Canada, London(?), Holland, and now it seems it is going to Senegal. Please explain; if you can move the consignment around this easily, why the hell do you need me?

I've already told you that I will help you with the fees, I would have thought that you would have found out how much these are likely to be by now. Please remember that
1. no lawyer worth his salt is going to charge you BEFORE he does the work,
2. you can ask any lawyer the cost of his services before you engage him

Yours

Alex Wale



Joseph Taylor

Aug 10th

Dear Alex,

Thanks for your good mail,i have contacted a good lawyer here who will help us in this regard and he is demanding that we pay him $3500 and that we must pay him half of the money before he start action and he also told me that when everything is concluded and we have our money that we will give him 2% out of the total amount and that is where i am confused and said to tell you so that i know what we will do about it.

So i am waiting to know what your opinion is concerning this issue.

Waiting to hear from you soon.

Regards,

Joseph.



Alex Wale

Aug 10th

Hi Joe,

My opinion is that you haven't contacted a good lawyer! You seem to have contacted a greedy little bastard who doesn't know what he's doing. Why the hell should he be entitled to any of the money he is transferring, just for signing a few papers?

My lawyer here says that he can handle the transaction for £1200, and this is payable on the completion of the deal. He is very experienced in dealings with Liberia and has even transferred some port registrations. The only people he won't deal with is the Nigerians, who he describes as "a bunch of ****-suckers". I was rather shocked at his use of unprofessional language, but I suppose he has his reasons. Would you like me to ask him to help with this? You can pay half the money towards it.

Yours

Alex Wale


[Please note that I have nothing against Nigerians per se; I'm sure they have exactly the same ratio of good honest people to absolute bastards that can be found in the UK. It's just that I'm assuming 'Joe' is Nigerian and therefore want to wind him up. It seems to work, he sulks for five days.]


Alex Wale

Aug 15th

Hi Joe,

Well?

What's happening? Are you finding a better lawyer or do you want me to use mine?

Alex



Joseph Taylor

Aug 15th

Hello Alex,

I told you that i have find a good lawyer and i even tell you what he said that it will cost us so the issue is how to give him his money and he will start our work,there is no need of using your lawyer while some one good is here to do the job for us.

how much can you be able tto raise for this issue now.?

Regards,
Joseph



Alex Wale

Aug 16th

Dear Joe,

When you wrote to tell me about the lawyer you said.....

".... we will give him 2% out of the total amount and that is where i am confused and said to tell you so that i know what we will do about it.

So i am waiting to know what your opinion is concerning this issue."

Therefore, I gave you my opinion, which was that the lawyer you have chosen is a grasping little bastard who doesn't know what he is doing. The 'issue' as I saw it is not how we are going to pay this lawyer, but how are we going to find better one. I offered the services of my lawyer who deals with all nations (apart from as he says, "Nigerian ****-suckers").

If you're going to ask me for my opinion, which you did, then it's hardly fair to turn around and ask what I'm balking about! If you don't want my opinions, in future please don't ask. Dealing with you is like talking to three different people; you never seem to be on the same wavelength twice running.

Now, if you're set on using this twat lawyer, then we'll have to pay him what he wants and work out some way of getting the money to you. Or you can send me the cash and we'll use mine.

Yours
Alex



Joseph Taylor

Aug 16th

Hello Alex,

There is no problem,i understand everything you said here.What we have to do now is to see that we pay him for his service charges,so what i want you to do now is to try and come up with any amount that you can be able to assist with and i will comeplet it here and pay him okay.

You Can send the money through western union money transfer with this below name:-

Joseph Taylor (Prince)
Dakar Senegal
Code:221

When you send it then try and send me the informations on how you send the money and also the control number.

Thanks and waiting for your urgent response.

Regards,
Joseph.



Alex Wale

Aug 17th

Dear Joe,

You said the lawyer needs $3500 in total, half now and half on completion. So that is $1750 now, of which I will send half, $875 or around £461 at the present rate. If I round it up to £500 will that do?

I'm under a lot of stress at the moment, and could be needing all the money I have to pay my own lawyer here. You remember that I said that I've been talking to him recently, the one that thinks that all Nigerians are ****-suckers? Well, the reason is that I've had the Customs and Excise people checking around my little shop with a search warrant. It seems that I might have accidentally imported some hair that I shouldn't have to make my mirkins. The hair in question came from china, and was a mix of black and white, the Customs people think it might be panda and have taken some away for testing. If the hair is illegal, then I will probably be taken in for questioning and be held on remand pending trial. I could be going to jail!

I don't know what to do, my hands are trembling so much that I can hardly make any mirkins, but I do have a lot more ladies than usual coming in for fittings.

Say a little prayer for me Joe.

Alex


[I'm due to go on holiday this weekend, and so I am sowing the seeds for my expected two weeks absence.]


Alex Wale

Aug 18th

Dear Joe,

I went down to the bank this morning to send you the £500, you didn't say whether this was ok or not, I was rather disappointed that you hadn't written back. Considering the trouble I might be in I thought you might have a little more sympathy.

Anyway, the nice man at the bank, Mr Norden, said that they didn't like to use western union there, especially when sending money to the African contenent. He recommended that I use the Guaranteed International Money Provision Service instead, as this carried their own insurance against fraud, so that's what I've done. I've attached the GIMPS receipt to this email. I hope this will be alright, and I hope the money does not get lost as it's all I can afford at the moment.

I've had a few customers in this morning, Mrs Morris came in for her weekly adjustment and reglue, such a neat bus

police ar ehere!




[That is exactly how I sent it, hoping that it would look like I'd finished in a hurry. I attached a GIMPS payment form. The idea and layout of the GIMPS form comes from 'Gilbert Murray' of http://www.scambuster419.co.uk/scambusts.htm , thank you to him for allowing me to use it. The designs on this form are the work of my teenage son, Chip Slog, with the aid of Microsoft Publisher]


Joseph Taylor

Aug 25th

Good Day Dear Alex,

Thanks for your mail,i ve tried to see if i can collect these money but to no avail so i plead with you to go and send the money through western union money transfer with my name and the informations as i have given you before Or you can use the name of my personal assistance Mr.Ejiofor Christain Aniefuna to send the money through MONEY GRAM and he will go and collect it.

As soon as you send it please remember to send me the informations on how you sent it.

Regards,
Joseph


[Alex returns from jail / holiday.]


Alex Wale

Sept 5th

Hi Joe,

My god, what a terrible two weeks.

I was typing my letter and the police arrived, I just had time to hit the send key before they came and dragged me off the computer. I've been in jail this past two weeks awaiting trial. The trial was on Monday and the verdict passed this morning, 'not guilty' thank god.

They thought I was importing some illegal hair for use in mirkin making. Fortunately, I kept all the records for everything I had imported, and it quite clearly states on my invoices that I thought I was buying, (skunk) even though it turned out to be panda. As I had 'bought it in good faith', I've been acquitted, but not before spending two weeks in a low security prison!

I see that you are having trouble cashing the money. Sorry about that, but I can't be bothered to find out what's gone wrong just now. I'm off for a shower without having to worry about dropping the soap, and then I'm off to bed with some cocoa. I'll write again tomorrow.

Alex



Joseph Taylor

Sept 7th

Good Morning Dear Alex,

Sorry for all that has happen to you,that is God's will for if not his will all that has happen to you will never have happen and you cant question God.So to God be the glory,wellcome back to your station.

And below is my last mail together with the information on how to send the money and as soon as you send it do not forget to sned the control number and all the information on how to pick it up here :-

Thanks for your mail,i ve tried to see if i can collect these money but to no avail so i plead with you to go and send the money through western union money transfer with my name and the informations as i have given you before Or you can use the name of my personal assistance Mr.Ejiofor Christain Aniefuna to send the money through MONEY GRAM and he will go and collect it.

As soon as you send it pleas eremember to send me the informations on how you sent it.

Regards,
Joseph



Alex Wale

Sept 8th

Hi Joe,

Did you say that you can't get the money?

I can't think what could have gone wrong. Have you been to a bank or agent that displays the VISA sign? You have to find one of these and ask for a GIMPS form, which you then fill out and they should give you the money. If you are having trouble, please tell me your exact location and I will try to find a VISA agent for you.

I'm feeling much better today thankyou, I've taken a couple of days away from the place to try and get myself back together a bit, it's all been a terrible experience.

Yours
Alex



Joseph Taylor

Sept 11th

Hello,

Thanks for your mail,my dear it is not easy for me to collect that money here.I am in Dakar capital of Senegal and i have tried everything but no way.

What i am saying here is that you send that money through western union money transfer and send me all the information on how you sent the money and my personal assistance will go and collect it and that is all.

Stop waisting time and be fast.

Regards,
Joseph.


[Desperation is setting in.]


Alex Wale

Sept 11th

Hello Joe,

I think you must be going to the wrong places. You say that you are in Dakar? Have you tried the Credit Lyonaisse Bank? It's on Boulevard El Hadji Djily Mbaye.

I sent them an email asking if they will handle VISA/GIMPS transactions and the nice man there said that it would be no problem. He also said that that they preferred GIMPS to western union for sending money overseas.

Hope this helps.

Alex



Joseph Taylor

Sept 14th

Hi Alex,

like i told you before,i am making arrangment on how to get another serious person who has the zeal to make money.And i am telling you that if i still wait for you to do as i have instructed you to send that small money through western union,if i wait till next week monday and still not recieve the money from western union then it is better you forget about everything for i will see how i will do it.

Thanks
Joseph



Alex Wale

Sept 18th

Hello Joe,

Look, it's no use getting shitty with me just you are incapable of walking down to a VISA bank! I don't think that you have even tried to cash that GIMPS form, you just keep bitching about bloody western union as if that is the only cash transfer system in the world. I think that you must be a bit simple.

And what's all this crap about me having no "zeal to make money"? We could have had all these modalities sorted by now if YOU hadn't introduced so many hold-ups. Remember that crap with Mr D'Hill, and all that stupid moving of the funds that you did? So don't blame me that it's not completed, because you've caused most of the problems.

As it's clear that you don't have the gumption to cash a simple VISA transaction, I have been to the bank and withdrawn the GIMPS. This means that I have lost the fee, about which I am mightily pissed I don't mind telling you! I then went to the western union office, against my better judgement, and have sent £500 to...

Joe Taylor (The "piss artist" formerly known as Prince)
Code 221
Senegal.

The number you need is 399987521.

Hope this helps.

Alex



Joseph Taylor

Sept 18th

Hello,

My dear why have you decided to be turning your self around this way,why have you decided to be decieving your self? How can you send me incomplete control number? So had it been that i did not call the western union office here to confirm if the money is there first before going there ,then it will be a waist of time going to the western union.Anyway, i will only demand that you send to me the complet information on how you sent the money.Below is the information i need from you:- The senders name,the reciever's name and lastly the complete number's of the control number(mtcn) for the one you sent to me is not complete,it is supose to be ten numbers but you send me nine numbers.

Finally,i am sorry for the money and time you spent on GIMPS,but you should know that it is never my fault ok.Again it is not good to be using some kind of nonsence words on me,try and learn.

Joseph.



Alex Wale

Sept 18th

Dear Joe,

Whoops, sorry.

You are quite correct, I only sent you nine numbers. Coincidentily, the number you need in there is a nine, I didn't put enough in. The correct information should be....

Recipient. Joe Taylor (The "piss artist" formerly known as Prince)
Code 221
Senegal.
The number you need is 3999987521.
Sender Alex Wale

Hope this helps.

Alex Wale



Joseph Taylor

Sept 20th

From Joe

Yea,it is good that i confirm your kind of person.I just say to give you benefit of doubt,i am just coming back from the western union office and there is notting there.Let me tell you,just give me time as i have started looking for a good and responsible trustworthy person who will assist me and as soon as i finalize with the new partner,immediately we recieve the money i will call you to give you some money for compersation,i think that will be ok for you since you dont dream of making big wealth.

bye bye



Alex Wale

Sept 21st

Dear Joe,

I don't know what you are talking about? You mean to say that you STILL haven't managed to get the money that I sent you? I told you that you should have you used GIMPS, it's much more reliable than this western union idea.

You also seem to be doubting my honesty. Let me tell you Joe, that I am as honest, reliable, and trustworthy as you. I've always dreamed of 'big wealth' and I am as genuine as your fortune.

Alex Wale



Joseph Taylor

Sept 21st

From Joe

I have call the western union again to know if what you are saying is the truth, but there are like qurelling that i should stop disturbing there peace and with this i say that you did not send anything and stop fulling your self.



Alex Wale

Sept 22nd

Dear Joe,

You mustn't get yourself in such a state, your English has gone completely to pot, it's like talking to a different person. Have you been drinking or are you smoking illegal substances?

Look, it's not my fault that western union don't seem to be able to distinguish their arses from their collective elbows and can't my money to you. And you ought to explain to them, that if they wanted peace, then they should have taken up a different profession. Just tell them to chill out and pay the money.

I am offended that you keep doubting my honesty. As I've told you before, I am as honest and genuine as you.

I've sent you the money by two methods now, and even arranged with a bank to make sure you could cash the GIMPS form. I've written back to them, and they said that they keep a log of these things have no record of you. You told me that you were unable to cash the GIMPS and now it turns out that you never went to the bank! So what the hell are you playing at?

Alex Wale


[And that was the end. I hope I caused "him" (the team of lads), plenty of work and confusion.]


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