TALES FROM A PRIVATE DICK

From a Kindly Contributor in the UK (whom for privacy's sake we shall call Doctor Jekyll):

This message was initially sent to a colleague at work, but I decided to write a cheeky response, and was surprised when 'Mr Bako' continued to contact me.


ORIGINAL SCAMMY LETTER

Attn.,

First, I must solicit your strictest confidence in this transaction. This is by virtue of its natureas being utterly confidential and "top secret". We are top officials of the Federal Government Contract Review Panel who areinterested inimportation of goods into our country with funds that are presentlytrapped in Nigeria. In order to commence this business, we solicit yourassistance to enableus transfer into your account the said-trapped funds.The source of the fund is as follows: During the regime of the last Militarytransitionalgovernment of Gen. Abdulsalami Abubakar, government officials set up companies and awarded themselves contracts which were grossly overinvoiced invarious ministries. The present democratic government of President Olusegun Obasanjo set up the Contract Review Panel and we haveidentified alot of inflated contract funds that are presently floating inthe Central Bank of Nigeria ready for payment. However, by virtue of ourposition as civilservants and members of this panel, we cannot acquire thismoney in our names.

My colleagues in the panel have therefore delegated meas a matterof trust, to look for an oversea partner into whose accountwe would transfer the sum of US$31,320,000.00 (Thirty-One Million, ThreeHundred andTwenty thousand United States Dollars) in which we hope to use in purchasing Agro AlliedEquipment, and to enable us to own properties and invest in the stableeconomy of yourcountry. Hence, we are sending you this email message.We have agreed to share the money thus:1. 20% for the account owner (you)2. 70% for us (the officials of the CRP)3. 10% to be used in settling taxation and all local and foreign expenses.Please acknowledge receipt of this message for proper briefing on the safemodality for theexecution to either Fax no. 234-1-7590503 orEmails: rasheedbako@fedminofworks.com

Yours faithfully
Dr. Rasheed Bako

NOTE: PLEASE QUOTE THIS REFERENCE NUMBER (RB/08/02) IN ALL OURREPONSE.


DOCTOR JEKYLL'S COUNTER OFFER

Hmmm, smells like SCAM - time to be facaetious....

Dear Mr. Bako

I received with interest your business proposal. I would be interested in co-operating with you by offering my services in return for participation in your venture.I am a genito-urinary surgeon operating in an exclusive private practice in Harley Street, London. Alongside my work on Prostrate Cancers and Vasectomies, I also specialise in Genital Plastic Surgery, and Penile Remodelling.I would like to offer you full Genital Reconstruction at a favourable rate in exchange for a share in your business venture. My services will include

* General enlargement of the Penis, in length and girth
*Sanitization of the Foreskin
* Straightening of the Penis (Priapsis Correction)
* Lowering of the testicles
* Follicular redistribution of the Pubic Hair

I hope that my intervention will help boost your self-esteem, and reduce the embarassment and shame you must feel as an inferior when undressing in front of members of the opposite sex. Clearly the work will be carried out in the strictest confidence, with the attendance of only my nursing team and student body. The procedure lasts three hours, and is performed under general anaesthesis. You will experience moderate to severe genital pain in the 24 hour period following surgery. A dressing will be applied immediately following surgery, and will be changed regularly for the next 14 days. Due to seepage of fluid from the operation scars, this can be quite painful. During the initial month you will experience significant pain urinating, and will be incapable of sexual function for eight weeks. In certain circumstances, infection may cause the genital area to become septic. If this should occur, the area concerned will be treated with direct intravenous antibiotics.I hope that these factors do not diminish your desire to have your genital countenance made socially acceptable. Please forward your terms of business to proceed in this transaction. I am hoping that as a token of your gratitude for my concerns at your masculinity and Penile performance, you will see fit to offer me a generous share of the proceeds gained from your venture.Should you require further information on my procedures, I have a list of well known former patients you may wish to consult. These include :

*Alan Titchmarsh
* Richard Whiteley
* Stephen Hawking
* Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards
* Prince Edward
* John Noakes

I wish you all the best in your venture, and look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Doctor Edward Jekyll (PhD, dip DonG)

Cultural note : the above 'celebrities' are British TV personalities (vaguely Z-list !), our one-time ski-jumping olympian, an eminent physicist, and a 'member' of the royal family....


DOCTOR BAKO'S DOGGED PERSISTENCE

[The email below came as one chunk, without paragraphs.
These have been inserted, gratis, to prevent visual asphyxiation.]

Dear Doctor Edward Jekyll ,

Thank you for the prompt response to my email message. We havediscussed your response, and we are satisfied that you understandthe nature of this pending project. We firmly believe that wecan rely on your total support and confidentiality in this project,and as such, we have decided, that based on this understandingwe shall explain to you in details, the true picture of thisproject.

However, before we proceed, we would once again emphasize onthe importance of confidentiality. This is because we are alltop civil servants, and we would not like our good reputationand many years of meritorious service to our fatherland to bedented, if eventually any other party apart from yourself andus gets to hear about this project, it might jeopardize everythingwe have worked for in this life. You would agree with us thata successful transfer of the funds alone, which does not guaranteethe enjoyment of it, is no success. With this, I hope you understandwhy we are hammering on confidentiality. With absolute confidentiality,this project is 100% risk free, please do not let us down.

If you follow our instructions religiously and promptly, we asoriginators of this project assure you that this project wouldbe concluded within 10-14 banking days without any risk. Thisis our guarantee to you and you can count on it. We recognizethe magnitude of trust involved in allowing us use your bankaccount for this project. We on our side will not let you down,as we are absolutely confident of success in all ramifications.

To enable us commence the project, you are immediately requestedto furnish us with following information.

1. A Beneficiary or Company name in which you desire to receivethe funds on our behalf.
2. An account details, you are however to have absolute controlover the nominated account of the company's.
3. Your confidential telephone/fax number.
4. Your mailing address.

We were appointed to the Contract Review Panel (CRP) to reviewall the payments effected for contracts executed in the tenureof the past regime, and we were also given the exclusive mandateto validate payment claims for contracts fully executed butfor which payments have not been made to the contractors concerned,we go ahead to approve payments for the said contractors whoexecuted the contract.

In other words, it is our exclusive responsibilityto validate all contract claims for contracts executed for ourFederal Government and approve the payment for such claims.Our perfected modalities for the transfer of the funds, is forthe transfer to be made to take the semblance of a contractpayment to your company (for us all), for a contract that wouldbe officially perceived to have been executed by your companyfor the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). Withthe use of your details as requested above, we shall registeryour company with my government.

The details we shall use forpresentation of the claim on your company's behalf such thatthe official position would be that your company executed thecontract IWNC/PED/2309-X98 for the NNPC and for which it isentitled to payment of the sum of US$31,320,000.00, which isthe contract price.

Immediately we receive the from you, weshall by virtue of our position in the C.R.P officially validatethe claim as your entitlement and thereafter forward the fileto the Task Force on Contract Payment, for their approval. TheFederal Ministry of Finance (FMF) shall issue the final approval,which is the authority that issues the last approval for paymentrelease to the contractor.

This approval by the FMF is calledthe EXCHANGE CONTROL APPROVAL ORDER NUMBER and it is the approval,which confirms the entitlement of a contractor to the fundscovered by the number and consequently authorization will beimmediately granted. The approvals by the Task Force and theFMF are more or less bureaucratic procedure for contract paymentrelease.

Once a contract claim has been approved by the CRP,the other two bodies are bound to issue their subsequent approvalwithout further validation.The entire process of the funds release and transfer, wouldbe officialised totally to ensure total legitimacy as obtainsin the case of all contract transfer by the FMF.. This wouldbe our responsibility.

The total officilisation of the transferwould cater for any inquiries (if any) by your bankers, as tothe source of funds when it arrives your account for us all,as your bankers can verify the source directly from the FMFif they wish. The process of the transfer would be a bank-to-bankaffair.

In the interest of bolstering confidentiality at thisstage of commencement of the project, we advice that you shouldfor now stop whatever discussion you may wish to have with yourBankers, in respect of your expectation of the funds until weadvice you to do so as we need to monitor everything closelyfrom this end. Please ensure you comply with this instruction.

We would also like to inform you that our entire 70% share wouldbe used by us in the importation of Agro-Allied Machinery andPetroleum prospecting equipment as we cannot afford to bringsuch an amount of money into our country in cash. In additionto your 20% of the funds, any expense incurred by you will bereimbursed to you after the transfer, from the 10% we have agreedwill be used in settling all expenses incurred in the causeof bringing this project to a 100% risk free success. You musthowever give us prior notice of any expenses before you engagein it. This is very important for the preservation of our goodfaith as partners, especially after success has been achieved.

Concerning our own investment, we intend to discuss extensivelywith you over a bottle of wine on a round table when we comedown to be with you for the disbursementYou would agree with us that the above arrangement would caterfor all forms of legitimacy on your side in respect of the fundsarrival in your account.

More over, a vetting approval willbe issued from the Office of the Attorney General of the Federationstating that the funds being transferred into your account fromthe CBN is a contract payment for a job done by your companyfor the NNPC and does not in any way contradict the laws ofour country or the UN. As for my point of contact call me on234 1 7762346.

We await your urgent response to enable us commence the projectofficially as time is of equal essence as confidentiality.

Best regards,
Dr. Rasheed Bako

Great, gonna get rich. Better appoint an Agent to handle the transaction, and make up some nice bank details.....


DOCTOR JEKYLL CONTINUES MARKETING HIS SERVICES

Dear Mr Bako,

Thank you for your prompt response.Here are the details you require to proceed with this exciting transaction.

I request also that you send me recent photographs of your genital area inorder that I can plan my surgical intervention to improve your clearlysuffering penile appearance.

Company Name : Strapadictomy Inc.
Bank Name : Barclays International Finance, London W1
Account Details :
Sort Code : 11-69-69
Account No. : 00666123
Confidential Phone No. : +44 (0)20 8700 7153
Confidential Fax No. : +44 (0) 20 8700 7469

My Agent is called Ronald McDonald and is to be trusted in strictestconfidence. Please ask for him by name.

Address :
Mr Ronald McDonald
Franchise Manager
11-59 High Road
East Finchley
London N2 8AW
United Kingdom

I'm sure you appreciate that for reasons of discretion I choose to operatethrough my Agent and not through my personal practice address. Please acknowledge the safe receipt of this information, and do not hesitateto contact my Agent who is fully briefed on the confidential nature of our business. In the meantime may I remind you to enclose a recent photo of your penis, taken from the front and side angle. For accurate measurements I request that you shave the pubic hair from your organ and ensure the area is clean. Please forward this to my Agent.

With kind regards,
Daniel Graf

The address above is McDonalds UK franchise headquarters.....


RASHEED BAKO: MOVING RIGHT ALONG WITH THE SCAM

Dear Dr Daniel,
Sequel to my last mail of today this is to let you know thata lot of progress has been made since we received your advisedbankers' information. The application for claims for the fundswe wish to transfer as a contractual payment has been duly submitedon your behalf. In line with our desire to ensuring that a properdocumentation that would support the legibility of the transaction,we had prepared adequate ground work upon which your companywould be registered as a company in Nigeria (under the country'scompany registration laws) and also as a contractor to the NigerianNational Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) on which your companywas able to carry out the contract upon which you have filedfor claims for payment as the officially perceived contractor-beneficiary(on behalf of us all).

We are happy to inform you that we have successfully completedthe registration exercises with the two respective corporatebodies and the original certificates submitted to the appropriateparastatals, along with your company file for prompt action.We have also written the validation report, as customary, forthe Contract Review Panel (CRP) of which we are the constituentmembers, certifying that your company actually executed thejob for which it is requesting payment of its outstanding dues.With our influence in place, we are expecting that the relevantapprovals leading to the telegraphic transfer of the funds intoyour nominated account would be issued within the next few days.

We are sending copies of the relevant certificates as attachmentwith this message for your records and information (please checkattachment for confirmation of 2). You will notice that thedates of issue were set back to reflect that your company wasduly registered before the contract was awarded and executedto ensure a fail-proof transaction.

We also would like you toknow that a lot of money was spent as gratification to ensuresuch perfect manipulation but we are bearing such expenses asthe originators of the project. We, however, expect you to notethe various sums we paid, officially, to government as statedon the receipts for your record.

The third and final document,the Certificate of Income Tax payment, we are working on paying.I will send to you (promptly) as soon as our Principal Partnerand champion of the project, Alhaji S.D. Dangote, returns fromour federal capital (Abuja) where he has gone to raise the draftsfor payment of the required charges. Also, we have appliedfor a vetting approval from the Office of the Attorney Generalof the Federation stating that the funds being transferred intoyour account from the Central Bank Nigeria is a contract paymentfor a job done by your company for the NNPC. That it is neitherdrug money nor money laundering and does not in any way contradictthe laws of our country or the UN.

We hope to continue with this procedure of keeping you well-informedof every step being taken to actualise our project - a factwe believe is the only way to sustaining the partnership andthe spirit of collective solidarity, all hands are on deck toensuring we leave no stone unturned leading to a smooth conclusionof the project. You must also inform us promptly as soon asyou receive any correspondence from my government, as the governmentshall be contacting you directly as the officially perceivedcontractor.Once again, we thank you for your support while counting moreon it as the project steadily progresses to its desired completion.Please call me to confirm the receipt of the attachment, asI am not quite sure of how it works.

Best regards,
Dr. Rasheed Bako


By now I was thoroughly bored, and gave up writing back. The next response was particularly funny !

DOCTOR BAKO IS HAPPY WITH HIS EQUIPMENT

Dear Doctor Edward Jekyll ,

Please respond to my last message to you subject (Acknowledgement). Did you recieve it. I have no intention of changing or doinganything to my penis. All the same thank you for the offer. I await your response.Best regards,

Dr. Rasheed Bako


DOCTOR BAKO DUMPS DOCTOR JEKYLL

Ooooh he's quoting Shakespeare.....

Dear Daniel Graf,

We are writing to inform you that we are stillawaiting your response to our Last message subject(Reg. Documents RB/08/02) to you whose subject andvery nature apparently expresses the fact that we havegotten to the peak point of the project and as suchabsolute need for urgency in our disposition to theaffairs of its prompt finalisation.

It is necessary to draw your attention to the factthat the details for the modalities for realisation ofthe project was revealed to you in expectation of yourreciprocal display of total partnership as obtained ina partnership of international status wherein theprinciple of UBERRIMA FIDEI is indispensable.

Officialisation of the project is an indispensablenecessity in this transaction for the mere fact thatwe want to guarantee the enjoyment of the proceeds ofthis project with an absolute peace of mind after thetransfer. Successful transfer without this guaranteeis no success because money, which he cannot spend, will make no man rich.

It is based on this premisethat we made sure to register a company in your nameproperly with my government. The certificates havebeen duly forwarded to you.

Considering this crucial time wherein the governmentshould be contacting you as the officially perceivedcontractor as we have put everything in place tomaking a legal legitimate transfer of the funds intoyour account.

As you are not doubt aware, it is onlynatural that for a debt to be paid, there must firstbe a demand for settlement of the debt and it is uponan application which we placed in your favour that thedemand is made consequent upon which the routinebureaucratic process common with every civil serviceare satisfied before approvals are issued, releasedocuments signed and funds released.

Keeping us in thedark is wanting to stab us as we believe that we mustkeep constantly in touch knowing that it is in ouradvantage that we act promptly striking the iron whileit is hot as time waits for no one.

Our principal partner in this project has instructedthat in the absence of response from you acknowledgingthe receipt of the two certificates we sent you as anattachment 5days ago within two working days, youshould consider us as having closed our file on youand shall accordingly cease further communication withyou.

If this be the ultimate position, we wish yougood luck and again seek reciprocity of this goodwillby your maintenance of confidentiality - if not forus, but for our children. Perhaps, someday we shallmeet and share a bottle of wine.

I leave you with one last word.

There is a tide in theaffairs of men which if taken at the flood leads on tofortune; omitted, all the voyages of their lives isbound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat and we must take the current whileit serves or lose our ventures. - Shakespeare.

Best regards,
Dr. Rasheed Bako.


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