WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE NUKES, or, BRAIN DRAIN


It's long been known that Mugus will latch onto anything; any event, no matter how tragic, they will use to spin their webs of deceit...
They've used September 11, the Boxing Day Tsunami, the July 7 London bombings... and now the Iraq War.

One Lad probably thought that this little Iraq war scenario was a good idea. Eliza Dane, however, wasn't going to prove him right.

The Scammers
[Names in boldface denote an inactive role]
Captain Brain James, a United States Marine with a slightly blasé attitude to torture; actually posting from Ghana - and yes, it is "Brain".
Alexander Leh, a Mexican Red Cross Officer and inept courier
Terry Polosky, "Despatch Mgr" of Chase Security Trust in Ghana
Rodolf Assam, another dispatch manager at Chase Security Trust
Peter Ogbonnaya Obioma, Terry Polosky's Western Union Persona

The Baiter
Eliza Dane, Odin-worshipping foul-mouthed photomodel from Sydney
Ross Dane, Eliza's protective older brother, and an officer in the Special Air Service Regiment
Odin, Freyja and Thor, deities of the Norse pantheon invoked by Eliza
Robyn and Sharon, Eliza's housemates

And Western Union, which turns up in baits as regularly as Extras in a cricket match.

From out of the fog of war - actually, the foetid interior of a Lad's brain - comes this latest scam letter...
So picture this; a group of US Marines discover a terrorist cache that contains two nuclear weapons (I doubt if they'd come more than one to a box), a heap of cocaine, and millions of dollars (the whole lot casually dubbed "other Ammunitions"). I'd have thought that the nukes would be a big-ticket item, but no...
And don't you love the throwaway line about torture?


Captain Brain James
29 November 2006

Dear Friend,
I am Captain Brain James of the US Marine Force on Monitoring and Peace-keeping mission in Baghdad-Iraq. On the 26th day of September 2006, we were alerted on the sudden presence of some Terrorists camping in a suburb not too far from Karbala here in Iraq . After Immediate intervention, we captured three (3) of the Terrorists, twenty-six (26) were killed leaving seven (7) injured.
In the process of torture they confessed being rebels for late Ayman al-Zawahiri and took us to a cave in Karbala which served as their camp. Here we recovered several guns, bombs and other Ammunitions including some boxes among which two contains nuclear weapons, one filled with hard drugs(cocaine) and the other four to my amazement contain some US Dollars amounting to $7.2M after I and two of my junior intelligent officers counted them. I however instructed them to keep this in high secrecy.
I am in keen need of a "Reliable and Trustworthy" person like you who would receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the US Dollars for me up on till my assignment elapses in here in Iraq. I assure and promise to give you 14% of this fund, however feel free to negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this business..
Please assure me of your keeping this topmost secret to protect my job with the US Monitoring and Peace-Keeping mission. Contact me through my personal email: (capt.brainjames@hotmail.com) Sincere regards,
Capt.Brain James.

[This is a more-ambitious-than-average version of the Iraq and a Hard Place letter.]

Eliza Dane

[I use a different answer this time to my usual "there's been some mistake".]

Captain James,
I'm worried by what you're saying. If I accept, are you sure I'll be OK? I've heard that Al-Qaeda play really dirty.
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James

[Confident little cuss, isn't he?]

01 December 2006

Dear Eliza,
I thank you for your mail and the question you asked herein. You will be ok.
You can just ask your self this question, I that captured his boys and took all their belonging what has he done to me?
Please be strong and don't let any thing weigh you back from assisting me ok.
Just please accept my request and get back to me for the next step.
Regards,
Capt. Brain James
Eliza Dane

[Amid all this, drop in a reference to Eliza's brother - he'll be needed later.]

Captain James,
It's easy for you not to be worried - you're a US Marine, you have lots of other Marines backing you up, and you probably have an M16 with you at all times. I'm a young woman in the big city with no grunts to watch my back and no guns to hand. My brother's in the army but he's got a job to do in Afghanistan.
The other big thing I have to ask is, what the fuck did you do with the nukes? I hope you stuck them somewhere they'll never be found - !
That aside - what am I supposed to do?
Eliza Dane

PS Did you junk the cocaine as well?
Captain Brain James
04 December 2006

Dear Eliza,
It's true that I have so many marines backing me and M16 as well but I never like this life, I mean this job.
I have to get these boxes and quite the job.
May be your brother must have told you some thing about this job, I guess so?
It is not worth it too bad, I mean too bad for any one to think of.
The most important thing is that after all the back up what next?
The best Back up is God and you know that.
In this case all you have to do for me is to send me your contact where I can deliver these boxes to and I will just try my best to see how I smuggle it out of this (oast) country.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards,
Capt. Bain

[Anyone want to bet that he has no idea what an M16 is?
So, God is backing him up - Eliza, tell him who's REALLY in charge...]

Eliza Dane
Captain James,
It's funny, but even though Ross grizzles about Army life, he never regretted joining up. I guess that it's part of the ANZAC tradition.
You mention God as back-up - well, I never had much time for that. My faith is of the Aesir, the Gods of our Aryan fathers; especially Odin.
But anyway - you mentioned "contact" - what exactly do you need from me?
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James
05 December 2006

Dear Eliza,
It's ok that you beleive in Odin but I in God so differend individual differend believes but lets not go there now.
Please understand my mail to you.
The contact address I mentioned of is the address where these boxes can be sent to so that you can receive them with in faith.
I only need your assistance to keep these boxes containing the total sum of $7.2 million USD safe till I return from this mission here in Iraq.
Upon my return, I will offer you the 14% share of the total money.
I hope you did understand that?
Hope to hearing from you soon.
Regards,
Capt. Brain James
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
There's no need to be such a wise-ass - Hel, I may be blonde but I ain't dumb.
If you need a contact address, here 'tis - 35 Westmoreland Grove, Glebe, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia 2125.
OK, that's it - and now?
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James
06 December 2006

Dear Eliza Dane,
Sorry for responding late to your mail it's all because of my situation here and I hardly check mails often.
I got one of the Red Cross Officers working here in Iraq who will be leaving Iraq for Ghana tomorrow night with the boxes on a Red Cross Chartered Cargo Flight going to Ghana and they will immedaitely proceed to Australia as soon as they droop other Officers from Africa.
I instructed him to send the boxes to your door post as they arive in the Australia. Below is the address I instructed him to deliver the boxes to:
Name: Eliza Dane
Address: 35 Westmoreland Grove,
Glebe, Sydney,
New South Wales,
Australia 2125.
Listen, I am giving you all the trust, even though we have never met before. Please, do not involve or disclose this transaction to anybody, my spirit tells me to have confidence in you.
You shall receive the boxes (money) by four days time in the above address.
Meanwhile, I did not disclose to the Red Cross Officer the content of these boxes.
The attachment is my picture together with the one I snap the boxes before handling it over to him.This will show you how the boxes look like.
I look forward to hearing from you as you receive these boxes.
Yours Sincerely,
Capt. Brian James.

[Ghana... is anyone willing to bet against the boxes ending up in Ghana somehow? He sent me a copy of the old favourite classic trunk box picture, and a snap of a US soldier, no doubt cribbed from the web.]

snap of a US soldier, no doubt cribbed from the web two boxes lined with flowery paper, filled with fake money

Eliza Dane
Captain James,
What's the timeframe here? I have to make sure I'm here when the boxes arrive.
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James
07 December 2006

Dear Eliza,
Here is the timeframe two day next.
If he don't see you, I told him to wait till he deliver that to you alone.
Talk to you soon.
Reagrds,
Capt. Brain James
Eliza Dane

[Two days later...]

Captain James,
I spent just about all of Friday alone and saw nobody! I almost ran out of reasonable excuses for sitting around the house when everyone else was out there at one time or another doing stuff.
What's going on?
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James
09 December 2006

Dear Eliza,
So you have not seen him?
I have written to him but no respond.
Lets just hope that he will reach before Sunday may be something is holding him back.
Regards,
Capt. Brain
Eliza Dane

[Well that was a stupid question!]

Captain James,
Well, duh - I said I saw nobody, I'd say that it's fucking obvious I didn't see him!
This is getting difficult as there's no way I can make sure of no-one else being here for the next three days.
Keep me updated.
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James
10 December 2006

Let me have your phone number so that I can send him mails again to include your number may be he missed your address.
Capt. Brain James
Eliza Dane

[A quick excuse for not giving him a phone number...]

Captain James,
All your guy has to do is catch a cab to my home address and he'll know where it is. Then he can go back for the boxes.
The big problem with the phone is that there's a better than even chance that if there's someone in besides me, she'll get to the phone first.
Is your guy a fast thinker, OK at making up a story if someone else picks up?
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James

[Not that he seems to be listening...]

11 December 2006

Dear Eliza.
Have you heard from the Red-cross officer?
Ok,send me your phone number immedately, I will write him so that he can call you on phone may be, he couldnt locate your house address or something.
Everything will work out fine and we will celebrate.
My regards as I expect your phone number.
Capt Brain.
Captain Brain James
12 December 2006

Eliza. I think he is on his way to your home
Yea, he doesnt even know what is inside the boxes.I just instructed him to deliver those boxes to you, so he has no story to tell even if someone esle picks up the phone.
As soon as you send the phone number ,I will have to forward it to him.
Capt. Brain.

[This had me slightly puzzled - as I was convinced that there were no Australian Lads involved... but still...
Eliza's brother can be the next monkey wrench.]

Eliza Dane
Captain James,
Problem - and it's one I can't dodge. Ross (my brother) arrived home from Afghanistan yesterday.
Today and tomorrow will be a fucking HUGE family gathering. No chance of me being home I'm afraid.
Your friend will have to wait - I'm sorry.
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky

[Another Lad joins the party. Good - more targets!]

12 December 2006

Attn:Eliza Dane
Address: 35 Westmoreland Grove,
Glebe, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia 2125
I write to inform you about some consignment (boxes) deposited in our company in your name as the benificiary by a Red Cross Officer known as Alexander Leah of Mexico.
Hence, we hereby request that you come claim your consignments as it was deposited for the duration of one month only in our company
Yours Sincerely,
Terry Polosky.
(Despatch Mgr.) Chase Security Trust
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
Thanx for the heads-up... but where the Hel are you?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky
13 December 2006

ATTN: Eliza Dane
This is to inform you on how to make claim of your consignment.
1. You will duelly fill in the Chase Security Trust Company Verification/Clearance form
2. A scanned copy of your International Passport or Drivers License must be sent to this Office via e-mail.
3. You must indicate on how you shall want your consignment to be claim either by shipping to your door-post through a Diplomatic/courier Service or by coming to claim it by yourself in our Security Company.
4. After verification and confirmation that you are the rightful owner of the stipulated consignment an Ownership Certificate will be issued to you to prove that you are the legitimate owner of the consignment deposited with us.
Furthermore,you are to contact our dispatch manager Mr. Rodolf Assam through his personal phone number:+233246962545 and email address: rodolfeassam@yahoo.com.
You must return the Verification/ Clearance Form to (Rodolf Assam) him via email to commence with the release of your consignment.
Below is the location of our our company address and contacts.
Chase Security Trust,
M65 Trace Link,Community 20.
Tema, Ghana.
Contact Person: Every phone call must be directed through the dispatch Manager office on +233246962545.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Yours Sincerely,
Terry Polosky.

[Well, where else but Ghana?
As predictably as ever - he wants my ID.
Also - Brain James had used the "door post" phrase before... I suppose it's a Ghanaian thing.
The Verification/Clearance Form was password protected, so no cutting and pasting. Of course, I didn't receive it (officially).]


Part of the form:

Eliza Dane

[With all that pointless waiting around, Eliza is going to give our Captain a proper, no-holds-barred slap! ]

Captain James,
WRONG! That fucker is NOT on his way to my house! The fucking boxes are in some security firm in GHANA!
Who was lying? You or him?
Either way, I'm fucking mad at someone! Several days hanging around for the Invisible Man - trust me, I want to kill something!
Freyja soothe my aching head...
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
Just two questions; when were these boxes lodged with your company, and where's that form that I'm supposed to fill out?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Alexander Leh

[This was sent under "Brain's" header. What a lame effort...]

13 December 2006

I recieved all the series of emails you sent me trying to know if I delivered the boxes you asked me to deliver.
I am sorry that I did not deliver them rather I deposited them with a Security company in Ghana with the name you asked me to deliver to as the beneficiary.
The reason for this was that there was an emergency call to us to fly from Ghana to Indonesia for a five day training after which we will be asked to return to Iraq in two days time.
Like I mentioned above, a Deposit Certificate was issued to me as a depositor by the security company which I have attached here.
Again the security Company has mentioned that before the beneficiary can cliam his boxes he must send to them the scan/photo copy of the Deposit certificate.
Thanks Captain for bearing with me.
Regards,
Alexander Leh

Captain Brain James
14 December 2006

Dear Eliza,
I just got the mail I forwarded to you written by the Red Cross Officer stating that he did not reach your house again rather he deposited the boxes to a Security Company in Ghana. He attached a Deposit Certificate the Security Company issued him after the deposit.
Please in the certificate he made use of your name as the beneficiary and that you have to contact the security company for claim.
Kindly do that fast because We don't have to leave the boxes there.
I viewed the attachment and saw the email address and phone number of the security company on the certificate.Please do contact them immediately.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Capt. Brain James
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
I don't understand this at all. You told me that this (then unnamed) guy was in Sydney, about to drop off these boxes. I expected him to drop by any moment!
Then I find out that the boxes are in Ghana! Why the fuck did he send them back there when he could have put them in a security company or something here?
The company contacted me with some form attached, or so they said. There was nothing there though.
I'll tell them that.
This hasn't exactly impressed me.
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky
15 December 2006

ATTN: Eliza Dane,
The boxes were deposited in our company on the 9th December,2006 which is on Saturday. Yours Sincerely,
Terry Polosky ATTN: Eliza Dane, Our Company is located at M65 Trace Link Community 20,Tema Ghana.Thanks,Terry Polosky
Captain Brain James
15 December 2006

Dear Eliza.
I got your mail. Yes they left Iraq for Ghana and from there, they will be headind to Sydney as planned but I only got message from him which I forwarded to you .
Eliza, there no much problem , you will have to respond to the security company and follow thier mode of shipment so that they can ship the boxes to you soon.
Hope you know that the company does not know what is inside the boxes.
Do respond to them fast so that they start up the shippment.
Captain.
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
OK, I know where you are.
I want to know where that form is that you were talking about. Exactly how can I fill out a form you don't send?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
Just hold on a second. The boxes are coming here? That's not what Chase Security said.
They said I could choose to come there or get the boxes shipped, but first they'd have to fill out a form - but they forgot to send it!
Captain, your choice of agent fucking sucks. From what you said he'd told you he was in Sydney, but he'd never arrived.
Is he totally trustworthy?
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James

[The "Captain's" spelling and formatting go AWOL as he tries to soothe Eliza's scepticism... BTW, that phrase about "to your door post" has turned up in a few baits.]

17 December 2006

Dear Eliza,
It was not only you that get worried about this .
To be frank with you, I myself over here in camp havent been myself for some days now.If not that the red-cross officer has taken time to epxlain to me why things happened this way and from all indications if not the the immergency that came up in Indonesia ,I am convinced he would have delivered as instructed.
All the same, be yourself since nothing has gone wrong yet ,I was notified by the red-cross officer that the chase-security copany has a diplomat and a courier service attached to them which can as well deliver the boxes to your door post without any delay.It is important that you contact the security company as soon as possible and plead to them that it will not be all that easy for you to make a trip to Ghana at this, that they should notify you the possbility of shipping the boxes to you immediately.Tell them to resend the form which is needed to fill.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Captain.
Terry Polosky

[Terry Polosky's formatting likewise goes totally to pot... ]

18 December 2006
ATTN:ElizaThis is to inform you on how to make claim of your consignment.1.You will duly fill in the Chase Security Trust Company Verification/Clearance form2. A scan copy of your International Passport or Drivers License must be sent to this Office via e-mail.3. You must indicate on how you shall want your consignment to be claim either by shipping to your door post through a Diplomatic/courier Service or by coming to claim it by yourself here at our Security Company in Ghana.4. After verification and confirmation that you are the rightful owner of the stipulated consignment an Ownership Certificate will be issued to you to prove that you are the legitimate owner of the consignment deposited with us.Furthermore,you are to contact our despatch manager Mr. Rodolf Assam through his personal phone number:+233246962545 and email address: rodolfeassam@yahoo.com.You must return the Verification/ Clearance Form to (Rodolf Assam) via email to commence with the release of your consignment.Below is the location of our company address and contacts.Chase Security Trust,M65 Trace Link,Community 20.Tema, Ghana.Contact Person: Every phone call must be directed through the Despatch Manager office on +233246962545.We look forward to hearing from you.Yours Sincerely, Terry Polosky.
Terry Polosky

[Well, here's the form... wasn't worth the wait! ]

20 December 2006

ATTN:Eliza Dane.
Your message has been received and the content well understood. The information are as follows:

VERIFICATION CLEARANCE FORM
PERSONAL DETAILS
Name: .......................................... .................................................Last Name (Surname) First Name Other Names.
Gender: ............... Date of Birth: _ _/_ _/_ _ _ Place of birth...........................................
Contact Address: ..............................................., Address Line 1
..................................................................,Address line 2
City:..........................State/Province: ....................................
Country:..................
Zip:..................... Home Phone:.................................. Mobile /Pager:.........................
Fax No: ...................... E-Mail: .................................... Social Security No: .............................. (IF ANY)
JOB CONTACT DETAILS:
Workplace: ......................................................................................
Job Title: .............................Dept ........................ Position Held:.............................
Office Address: .........................................., Address Line 1
.................................................................., Address Line 2
City:.............................. State/Province:.................................
Country........................
Work Phone No :........................... ......... Fax No:...................................
Work E-mail :................................................
DEPOSIT INFORMATION
Name of Depositor: ..........................................................................
Nationality:.......................................................................................
Reference Number:..........................................................................
Purpose of Deposit:...........................................................................
Transaction Code:..........................Deposit Code:.................................
Date of Deposit: ................................................................................


Just write down the information and get bact to us as soon as possible.
Terr Polosky. (Despatch Mgr.)
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
I'll do as you want.
But I have to ask - why do you need my job details? I'm not applying to work for you!
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky
20 December 2006

Attn: Eliza DaneWe require those information for record purposes that your consignment has been claimed and sent you.Thanks.Terry.
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
Why would you need to record my employment details or my TFN? That plus my passport would be like handing over my life to any wannabe identity thief.
In any event you can't have a copy of my passport as DFAT got me to sign a form to the effect that I wouldn't allow copies to get into circulation. I don't have a driver's licence either.
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky

[What did I say?]

21 December 2006

From the view of things I can understand you lack manners, How dare you address me in that way?Are we enemies?Remember, we are here to serve the masses world wide does not give the room for such embarrasement.Why we demand for the idetification is for record purposes ,but all the same if you insist not to comply with our directives ,we have no objection to do it the way you requested.Hence ,the the total cost to ship the boxes to your door post is listed below: To ship the consignment to your house address as required by you,below are the shipping cost and an ownership Certificate will be issued to you.1.Ownership Certificate is cost $80USD2.Shipping cost for the boxes is $1400USD3.Deposit Insurance tax for our company is $400USD4.Insurance coverage tax for shippment 10% of shipment cost $240Total cost $2,120.00 USD.Note that Chase Security Trust will bear the responsibility of these consignment shipped in case there is any lost.We look forward to hearing from you.Yours Sincerely,
Terry Polosky(Director Foriegn Despatch)
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
Let me put things straight.
I did not choose to put those boxes in your firm. That Alexander Leh was supposed to deliver them to me in Sydney, and AFAIK he made it to Sydney, only to turn right round and drop them off in Ghana! I have NO idea why! So - you have the boxes - and you start asking for all sorts of info that you could not have, because I never gave them to Alexander Leh, so they can't be of any use for verification. That means you have no need to know them. Capisce?
You also have no right to a copy of my passport (as I explained) and there's no chance of a copy of my driving licence (I never had one).
I am trying to work around this, but it won't help if you treat messages like this as a personal insult. Be professional, by Thor!
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James
21 December 2006

Dear Eliza.
How are you? It has not been so easy for us now.
I have not heard from you, have you settled with the security company?
Please do expedite action to settle with them so that they can ship the boxes to you for me to come over to meet you.
Capt.
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
The short answer is, no - that Terry Polosky lost it a bit. He said: "From the view of things I can understand you lack manners, How dare you address me in that way? Are we enemies?"
WTF? I was simply asking him why his firm wanted all that information when there was no need to have my work details, TFN, and passport. Identity theft is a major threat and I want to be sure, when my career takes off, that I can travel freely. He just wouldn't see things my way and ranted at me. I have no fucking clue what's bugging him!
Hang on, got a ping; might be from him - I'll keep you posted.
BTW, I heard on the news tonight that Bush is sending more troops to Iraq - who knows, it might give you a break...
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky

[Terry Polosky tries to mend the fences...]

22 December 2006

Eliza,I am sorry about the way things went wrong between us and i am so sorry for the way I addressed you.The reason for my asking for passport or drivers linces is to confirm that the name that was given to us here appear as the one on your passport this is for the safty of our work.How will you feel if your consignment will be given to another person because some one can come up saying that he or she owns the boxes without prove, then do expect us to ship the boxes to him?Be considerate some how .Please do follow with our management procedures.I look forward to hearing from you.Regards,
Terry polosky
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
Apology accepted, but I still can't supply the actual passport. I want to be able to travel when my career takes off, and I don't want DFAT to ruin that. Perhaps I could send you my passport number - you could verify it with the Australian embassy maybe?
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky
22 December 2006

ATTN: Eliza Dane
Thank you for your email as we have noted the contents. Please be informed that you can send your passport number as well as a passport sized photograph of you attached to the space at the top of this form.
We await any further inquiries from you.
Congratulations once again on behalf of the staffs and Directors of this Bank.
Best Regards,
Terry Polosky
22 December 2006

Eliza,
You can send your passport number as you said.after that we will be going for Christmass Holiday on the 23rd December to resume office on the 27 December.
Do we ship the consignment to your door post or are you going to come to Ghana to pick them up?
We look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Terry Polosky
Eliza Dane

[Another minor delay...]

Mr Polosky,
I won't be able to send the passport number right now as my passport is kept in a safe deposit box, so I can't get to it until after Boxing Day at the earliest.
And no, I don't want to come to Ghana to pick up the boxes. It'd be too much hassle to bring them back that way.
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky

[What's that?]

23 December 2006

What do you think we will do for you now?
Okay if you are ready to pay the cost for shiping we can as well send them to you.
Terry
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
What's the point of that question?
Here's my passport number - ED-7530-66-107-1001-AUS-01-426-8047-D.
What happens next?
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky
30 December 2006

ATTN:Eliza Dane.
We have received your mail and the relevant information needed for your claim of your boxes,well observed. At this juncture,you are required to send immediately the courier service cost which is being charged by the courrier agency to ship these boxes to your door post since you cannot come down to Ghana to pick them up.
The total cost of the the shipment has been sent to you previously.
We await you swift response on how you can send the charges to the courrier agency in order for us to carry out our obligations as a Security Trust Company Serving the World outlarge.
Once again, we await your action.
Terry.
Eliza Dane

[Just a minor hiccup, before things go pear-shaped...]

Mr Polosky,
My swift response to you is - please send me the details again, I think several of the earlier emails got trashed in a pre-New Year clean up.
Blonde moment - oops.
Eliza Dane
Ross Dane

[Ross; you're on!]

Just what is going on here?
If this is some rip-off you are planning I will make your life hell on earth. No-one does that to my kid sister!
Captain Brain James

[Captain Brain can smell the money...]

02 January 2007

Eliza.
Happy new year.
Really, I am not happy about the boxes still there up to this munite.
Do everything poissble to get these boxes to you as soon as possible but mind you,never you mention to the security compnay what is inside the boxes because they dont know what is inside, if they know, they may make away with our money.
So do respond to the fast so that they can ship the boxes to you.
My regards to you and your family.
Once again, Happy new year.
Capt. James.
Terry Polosky
02 January 2007

ATTN:Eliza Dane
We write you once again as you requested.To ship the consignment to your house address as required by you,below are the shipping cost and an ownership Certificate will be issued to you.
1.Ownership Certificate is cost $80USD
2.Shipping cost for the boxes is $1400USD
3.Deposit Insurance tax for our company is $300USD
4.Insurance coverage tax for shippment 10% of the shipment $140
Total cost $1,920 USD.
Note that Chase Security Trust will bear the responsibility of these consignment shipped in case there is any lost.We look forward to hearing from you.
You are required to make the payment via western union money transfer with the information detailed below:
Receivers name:Mr.Peter Ogbonnaya Obioma (Diplomatic courier officer)
Address:M65 Trace Link,Community 20 Tema ,Ghana
Once the payment is made send us all relevant western union information like MTCN number,Test Question and Answer as well as Senders name and address.
We hope to hear from you soonest.
Yours Sincerely,
Terry Polosky
(Director Foriegn Despatch)
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
Thank you, and the same to you.
Look, I know things are going a little slowly (I accidentally discarded some earlier emails, so I had to ask the Company for a resubmit), but don't worry so much that you get yourself killed!
Over 3000 Americans have died in action over there - and the worst thing is, should you die, how will I find out? Who'll tell me? This is the big thing at the moment, what with Saddam Hussein's hanging and bombings and talk of more of our troops going there too.
Just look after yourself, and I'll take care of matter here. You can leave the Army and have a comfortable retirement down here. You can meet Ross and tell each other war stories, or just go big-game fishing somewhere. You'll love Australia!
Hey, I'll have to show you this beach in Queensland where I had a really good photoshoot last year.
Here's one of my pix.
Like I said, take care.
Eliza

Ross Dane

[Ross raises the ante... first, Terry Polosky.... ]

The only way you'll get any money from Eliza Dane is if I turn it into small change and shove it up your arse with the broad end of a garden rake.
Got that?
Ross Dane

[... and then to "Brain". ]

You shouldn't have tried to draw my sister into whatever you're planning.
End it now or you are going to find yourself in a whole world of hurt - and I don't bluff.
Captain Brain James
02 January 2007

Eliza.
I got your mail.
Yes the hanging of Saddam Has intensified attacks on us and its more siskfull now. What is the latest development for the security company to ship the boxes to you?
In fact i want to live Iraq soonest, what is till holding me here is that you have not received the boxes.Immediately you receive the boxes, I will meet you fast at your city there in Australia.
I need to get a good news from you within days so that I can resign and come over.I need to get update concerning the delay to ship the boxes to you by the security company.
I really love your pix, you are so wonderful and I will not wait to meet you soon.
Regards ,
Capt. James

[He's ignoring Ross! I guess that pic of Eliza would distract anybody.]

Eliza Dane

[Just a little delay before Ross sends things into a tailspin...]

Captain James,
The only delay is me getting to a WU outlet that I haven't been to - I want this to go ahead with no-one I know seeing what I'm doing, and the local WU agency is an a post office, they know me there, so I can't use that.
Can you just resign? I didn't think the Marines - or any army - would simply let you quit, especially in mid-campaign. You're not thinking of deserting are you? From what I've heard, they'd hunt you down of you ran from the war, and put you in prison! Just watch what you're doing!
It'll be this afternoon or maybe tomorrow morning. So be cool, I'm in control here.
Oh - and keep your head down!
Eliza
Terry Polosky
02 January 2007

ATTN:Eliza Dane
The ID Mr Peter Ogbonnaya Obioma will use to take delivey of the courrier fee is his International Pasport ID.
We look forward to hearing for you soon.
Yours sincerly,
Terry Polosky.
(Director Foriegn Despatch
Eliza Dane
Capitian James,
Youi woudl not believe what juist happened!! I was in the WU ofice anfd sucddenyl theres my brother there, you remeber Ross he came back from Afganistan>? And hes shouonting at tme for beinga ilttl idiot and sdning money to web fruads - in fromnt of everbody! Im crying and hes yeling at me and the secuty guy comes out and Rosss jst days hes my brothers and even shows themh ohsis SAS ID I think, so I grabbd a taxiand got backhere.
Holy Odin I ocouldnt believe what hust happend but I cant go out again I feel sick. Im sorrry for this what do I do?
Eliza

[No, Eliza has not caught Lad spelling - I'm just trying to simulate extreme distress. It's best done in semi-darkness, with either glasses off (if you need them) or a pair borrowed from a myopic friend.]

Captain Brain James

[He hasn't got the second message yet... ]

03 January 2007

Dear Eliza.
I think if you look for other places , you can see where to send any fees they charge to ship the boxes to you, this cant be giving problem.You have to try hard and sned the fees to them so that they can ship the boxes to you as soon as possible.
Forget about me over here, I am in cotrol, I know what I will do to get out form this place as soon as you confirm to me that you have recieved the boxes.No one will look for me and more over, my plans is to settle in Australia and no going back to states or into the force.Nobody can even know my way about.
I will be waiting for the good news.
Capt James.
Captain Brain James

[He has now! ]

04 January 2007

Eliza.
I cant understand all this, odes it mean that your brother know about this form the start?
Because I told you not to let anyone know about this until these boxes gets to you.
Anyway Eliza, all you have to do now is to look for another WU office and send the shipment fee to them so that they can send the boxes to you ,infact Eliza, i didnt expect this to be delayed to this time. Never allow your brother to know your plans again, as soon as you send the money to them and also when you receive the boxes, keep them safe, dont allow your brother to even know where you will keep the boxes because he might ran away with them.
Please, act fast so that I can be coming over to meet you.
Regards,
Capt. James.
Ross Dane

[Time for some man-to-man talk! ]

Listen up scumbag,
Today I did something to be ashamed of - I humiliated my kid sister in front of a crowd of strangers. Liza is dearer to me than just about anyone, inside or outside the Service. You made that happen. I am going to make sure that never happens again. Once I have the proof that you're some sweaty little cybercrim, and not an officer in the USMC, I'm going to get Liza to understand.
I've met enough Marines, on exercises and a few in Afghanistan. They're fine soldiers and a credit to their country. You, mate, are no damn Marine. You're a disgrace to the human race.
Incidentally, you'll be wondering how I know? Well, call it insecure communications. Liza's boyfriend told me that she'd been saying some odd things in her sleep the last couple of times she'd stayed over - so I sweet-talked one of her housemates into getting me Liza's email password. The rest is history.
You'll get nothing out of her. Give up while you can or you will definitely find yourself in a world of shit.
Ross Dane
Eliza Dane

[This is in reply to the message from January 3rd...]

Captain James,
You can talk big about coming over here and never going back, but Australia and the US are so close in a lot of ways, it won't be safe here. Someone will find you, and if you've deserted they'll send you back, money or no money.
I worry for you too if Ross found you here. He hates you; I could see it in his face. He's SASR; he's one of the elite. You wouldn't stand a chance against him.
If you still want to go ahead with this, I'll do it, but I have big doubts about how it'll all end up.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[This one answers the one from January 4th.]

Captain James,
I'm angry again, but at you this time!!! Listen I may be a blonde but I'm no bimbo!! Of course I kept faith; Odin values nothing higher save courage!
I have no idea how Ross found out. I sure as fuck didn't tell him.
Oh, and one other thing - you may be planning to bug out. Ross would never do that! As he tells it, the SAS is for life. He may have made me cry, but I know that he's totally honest in that way.
I covered the WU matter in my other message, so I'll leave it here. Don't keep me waiting.
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James
05 January 2007

Eliza.
There will be no problem in anyway as far as you are the only one who knows our plans.
Whether the states relate to Australia in any way or not is never a problem because I and you only knows my way about.
Your brother's case is never a headack too, just keep it secret from him ,he will be humbled.As soon as he doesnt know much again about it, he will be silenced. So Eliza,go ahead and do it for you to get those boxes fast. I am much worried and please I am expecting to hear a good news from you.
God bless,
Capt. James
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
It's too fucking late for that! Ross knows about this now, and he won't quit! As far as he's concerned, he has to save me from you! And believe you me, Ross plays hardball! When a guy tried to molest me at a party, and Ross heard about it, he found that guy, and broke the fucker's wrists!
It's not safe anymore. You're better off in Baghdad - you have a chance to see the terrorists before they get you.
Eliza
Captain Brain James

[Brain seems to be a bit put out. Can't think why...]

05 January 2007

Eliza.

I am much angry this time. What is all these?
Look,I have trusted you from the begining for, why should we be wasting time when my boxes are there , what if they get lost within hours?
Once again Eliza,Please, do your best fast to get those boxes out from there.
God bless.
Capt.
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
I'm fucked. Ross has co-opted Robyn and Sharon (two of my housemates) to shadow me and make sure I do nothing like get to a WU outlet. They told me as much.
He's in control now. For Odin's sake, make peace with him! Convince him that you're fair dinkum!
It's the only way.
Whatever it takes, make him believe in you.
Eliza
Eliza Dane

[More Eliza distress... ]

Captian James,
For Odin's sake you have to do something!!
I can't do anythjing woth Ross and Robyn and Sharon on my back all the time! Make peace with him, do soemthing, PLEASRE!
I gave you my wordd, I can't let you down, but this ais not muy fault anf you have to convicne Ross that you'rre for real!!
Just do it or I'm finhiished with the All-Father!
ELiza
Captain Brain James

[And our Lad is pissed off... good to see. ]

05 January 2007

Eliza.
For God's sake ,what else do you want me to do since I trusted everything into your hands to get these solved and you are busy telling me about your brothers monitoring you. You know well that I am at the war front there, do you think that I have time for all these?
Infact I am tired for all these shit, tell me if you cant handle this anymore let me look for a way to
solve this an get my boxes out from that fucking place.
Ok then ,tell Ross and Robyn and Sharon that I said that they should allow you to help me and this is legitimate , and I will like to meet them atfer all, and probably, we becomiing family friends.
Eliza, I need your action fast to settle the courrier service so that they can ship the boxes to you and no more delay or you tell me your stands for me to the next action to take.
Regards,
Capt.
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
You can be as angry as you fucking well like, you can be as tired as you fucking well like, but the fact remains that my hands are fucking well tied! I can tell Ross again and again that you're the real deal and he yells at me not to be such a ditz!
Either you have to convince him yourself, or you have to give me something that proves your case.
It's up to you as I'm out of ideas.
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James

[The Lad seems to be trying a new tack...]

08 January 2006

Ross.
How are you?
In fact I decided to write to you after all to let you know that what your sister told you is the truth and to be candid , I request your assistance to help her handle this for me, I will soon live Iraq immediately she tells me that the boxes has arrived .
I look forward to meet you and your family.
Thanks.
Capt. James
Ross Dane

[There's some non-standard military slang here, for those who are interested.]

Brain,
What Liza told me isn't evidence.
This is your account; that you're a jarhead captain who found nuclear weapons in a terrorist cache and did nothing with them.
Instead you stole a fortune in cash and then enlisted the help of a Susie Straightleg to smuggle it out of Iraq.
Now you're trying to get an officer in SASR to help you achieve this, after which you intend to leave Iraq and head to Australia.
What do you want me to do?
Ross Dane
Captain Brain James
09 January 2006

Ross.
All I needed from you is to allow your sister to receive the boxes for me and if possible you can as well be there as an assistance.
I will be glad if you accept my request so that the boxes can be moved fast .
Ross Dane
So what did you do with the nukes that you found in Karbala?
Captain Brain James
10 January 2006

The nukes,I handed them over to our superior as my findings but the boxes , I vowed not to give it to them and kept it secret.
Capt.
Ross Dane
Brain,
If you lie to me then there's nothing more to be said.
You're not a Marine and there were no nukes.
What unit are you really? Infantry? Supply? Military Police?
It wasn't a terrorist base. What was it really? Bank? Private vault? Or did you find one of Saddam's stashes?
I want the truth - and if you lie again, Liza won't be sending you anything.
Are we clear?
Eliza Dane
Captain James,
Holy Odin, what's happening?
I have to know if things are good to go, and I'm getting tired of waiting!
Please talk to Ross.
Eliza Dane
Captain Brain James

[The Lad seems to see Eliza as the weak link.]

10 January 2007

Frankly speaking you disgust me for all your deeds.
Who do I convince in this matter? You are the one to tell me what they want to be convincing of so I can start or you want me to talk but relevant and irrelevant talk.
What do they want to know? Tell me or they should write to me and explain their points.
I get flabbergasted each time you said I should convince them.
I want to hear from you what should I convince you of?
Regards,
Capt. Brain
Eliza Dane

[She isn't.]

Listen you fuckwit, it should be fucking obvious what you need to do - convince them that you're a US Marine with a shitload of cash. Since I haven't been clued in on what you and Ross have been saying to each other, I haven't got a fucking clue what to tell you!
And since I don't know anything about the Marines apart from what I saw in Full Metal Jacket and some movie about Iwohjeema, what am I supposed to tell you to tell them? Marching songs? Throw me a fucking bone here, I haven't got a fucking clue what to suggest! For the love of Freyja, if you soldiers can't get on, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
I don't need convincing! Ross is the one to convince! Holy Odin, I need John Wayne and I get Eric Cartman! When are you going to actually talk the talk and walk the walk?
Eliza Dane
Terry Polosky

[Terry Polosky either doesn't know, or tries to get things back on track.]

12 January 2007

ATTN: We wish to inform you ever you are that we give you the grace of 7 working days to effect the payment for the shipping of your consignment failure to do so demurrage will incur.
Regards,
Terry Polosky
Eliza Dane
Mr Polosky,
Thanx for the heads-up.
Demurrage is the least of my worries right now.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Ross Dane
Well Captain Brain, so you're not game to tell me the truth?
If you're not going to come clean, then I guess you won't be hearing from Liza again. That's all it takes, you know - just some candour.
Who knows, I may be in Iraq before too long. I'll have to ask around and drop by.
Be seeing you (maybe).
Captain Brain James
18 January 2007

To who it may concern,
I don't have many words to say since the truth is bitter, until those boxes got lost you will know the type of human I am.
It can only take me weeks here but when I will come for you all that are fucking up with my opportunity. The time you know what you are into is when I look for the boxes, and then you will realize the gravity of what you all are doing.
Remember I have your address and contact.
This is not a treat but I mean what I have just said.
Capt. Brain

[Oh, Captain, this is Conduct Unbecoming!]

Ross Dane
If you come looking for me, or for Liza, I will know about it and I will get to you first. That too is not a threat but a cast-iron promise.

Captain Ross Dane
Captain Brain James

[This lacks any real menace, I'd say.]

18 January 2007

We shall see
Ross Dane
Do you know what the SASR actually is?
Ross Dane
I did some digging, and what do I find? You're not a US Marine; you're not American and not a soldier. You're a cybercriminal - a sleazy little small time scammer.
You are pathetic. Your threats are empty piss and wind. I was going to have your details entered on the CTU network, but you're no terrorist. You're a joke.

[The Lad didn't think it was funny, and he faded away...]

[We think it's funny, though. The Dane clan triumphs again!]

 

scamorama main street * get booked * subscribe

Copyright © 1999-2016 Scamorama. All rights reserved.