EAT MY SHIRTS

updated february 24, 2008


From our fiend, Raynaz

He never asked for any ca$h. Wotta puzzlement!!!
Go figger Lads.

This appears to be the bogus RFP 'format'. Eventually the vendor replying to this 'request for proposal' is required to pay into an (imaginary) escrow account to prove he's serious about supplying materials if awarded the (imaginary) contract.

starring, in order of appearance
KOFI KWAME - the Lad, who has an interesting, new scheme
DILL DOWE - the underwear/T-shirt king
SIRI S. BLING - the Secretary, who meets a sad end
SARAH BERNHARDT - another Secretary. A hottie. A fiancée.


KOFI KWAME

X-Originating-IP: [41.210.19.201]

[Ghana Telecom ADSL: 41.210.0.0 - 41.210.31.255]
[Thanks AfriNIC!]

Thu, 13 Sep 2007

Subject: BUSINESS OFFER

Dear Sir/Madam.

The Government of Ghana, in West Africa, has recieved funds from the INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT ASSOCIATION(IDA) with loan number :IDA CREDIT NO:3964 GH,and AGENCE FRANCAISE DE DEVELOPMENT(AFD),AFD LOAN:CGH 6004.01.G, towards the cost of community based rural development projects ( CBRDP) and intends to apply part of this fund to cover eligible payments under the contracts for the supply of the following items.

1. Aromatic Plants,Tramy Cinnamon,water treatment plants,Chemicals,Aniaml Feeds/ingredients to (Ministry of Agriculture)
2. Spices Food,Beverages,Fertiliser, Coffe,Agricultural Equipment .to (Ministry of Agriculture) 3.Herbs, Medical equipment/stainless Steel wire Mesh (Syringes, needles, surgical instruments,wheel chairs, beds) to (Ministry of Health)
4. agro chemicals/Chemical Machinery. to (Ministry of Agriculture)
5.condoms . to (Ministry of Health)
6.Educational infrastucture/wire ties and wire mesh machines,welded wire mesh ,galvanized wire mesh. (Stationeries,Computer, Laptop and Desk Tops) to ( Ministry of Education)
7.Fishing equipment . fishing nets,hocks,treads, etc to (Ministry of Agriculture)
8.Knapsack sprayer to (Ministry of Agriculture)
9.treated mosquito net. to (Ministry of Health)
10.Leather Goods(shoes,garments and all types of Leather Goods& Accessories,fabrics, textiles,round neck T.shirt ,Under ware , Pentene, quality Bra,Bathroom items, Bracelet,Lamps & Lamps Fitting items, jewellery items,Wooden,Textile,Furniture-Wood,Home Decor luxury items; To (Ministry of Interior)

Tender is open to all eligible foreign contractors from eligible source countries as defined in the guidelines of the procurement Board of the Republic of Ghana.If you can handle the supply any of the above items, get back to me for more details. We are commision agents.

Your Sincerely
Mr.Kofi Kwame.
Govt.Accredited Agent.
DILBERT DOWE
Kwame:

What's up with this? Why do you need my help with this?

Isn't this something your government handles? Why do you ask civilians to help you?

Is this on the up-and-up?

Dilbert Dowe
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.30.159]
Fri, 14 Sep 2007

Dear Dilbert Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

I am writting to let you know that I am working as an appointed agent by the Government of Ghana to locate the oversea supplier who can handle the supply of any items mentioned in my previous e-mail.

Meanwhile,for us to proceed ahead you are required to let me know if you can be of help to locate any company there in your country that can handle the supply of any item (s) mentioned in my first mail and as soon as this done then we proceed ahead as I will give you every details you need to make sure you participate in this tender bidding going on here in Ghana for the Rehabilitation Project . So understand that it does not matter either you are a civilian or not but if you can declear to me your interest in participating in this tender bidding every details you will need for the application of the contract on your behalf will be given to you immediately as what you have to do now is to look for any come near or far you and negotiate with the company and get the detail products from the company so that I can give you more details or if you can be able to handle the supply of T-shirts , Bed sheets , Condoms e.t.c do let me know so as for me to give you the specifications so that you can locate the supplier.

Understand that once you are able to locate any supplier both of us can nogotiate on our commission because sure we are going to gain our own commission after the conclussion of this tender with the government as am here to give you every detail informations you will need in this regards.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Mr.Kofi Kwame
DILBERT DOWE
Dear Kofi Kwame,

It looks like this is your lucky day. I am in the business of wholesale manufacture of 100% cotton undergarments. That's what I do, in the Dowe family owned company, that has been in business for 140 years.

I can put together a shipment of 105 gross (15,210) of T-shirts in various sizes--15 gross EACH of Small, & Medium (2,160 shirts of each size), and 25 gross EACH of Large, Extra Large, and 2X Large (3,600 shirts of each size). Since this is a charitable venture, the cost would be VERY minimal.

Let me know, will you, if this fits your requirements. I will be waiting to hear from you. Perhaps we can work on this together, and I can use the publicity, "PR-wise".

Dilbert Dowe
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.30.159]
Fri, 15 Sep 2007

Dear Dilbert Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

Am happy to hear from you and I want you to understand that God is connecting us together for a purpose and I want us to work together to achieve this great opportunity from the side of the Ministry.

I am writting to inform you that my company is working as a commissioning agent and as an appointed agent by the Ministry to locate the oversea supplier. So my company will give you every details for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company and on doing this my company is entiled to 1%commission out of your total invoice value and bear it in mine that my 1%commission is only payable to me if the contract is awarded to your esteemed company and after the receipt of your payment from the Ministry .

Meanwhile,I have been able to secure the size specifications and the size chart for the T-shirts along with the quantity that the Ministry is willing to buy .

Below is the size specifications of the T-shirts :

SPECIFICATIONS:
1.Style : Round Neck, Short sleeve
2.Yarn : 100% cotton
3.Size : Normal European size (S:M:L:XL)
4.Color : WHITE (NO PRINTING, NO EMBROIDERY)
5.Packing : 1 doz / 1 poly bag

GSM :185

DELIVERY :OCEAN FREIGHT
QUOTATION : CIF
QUATITY :ONE MILLION PCS ONLY

Find attached file also the Size specification Chart for the T-shirts as am sending it to you for your understanding during the time of production.

You are require to quote the price per each t-shirt base on CIF and not FOB . And as soon as I receive the price per each t-shirt then I will personally inform the Ministry accordingly so as for us to proceed ahead immediately without any further delay. When you are quoting the price base on CIF also add our both commission because any price you quote will be accepted by the Ministry if we can assure them good quality for the t-shirt with the above mentioned specification .

TERMS OF PAYMENT:100% BANK T/T IN ADVANCE CONFIRMED FROM YOUR BANK BEFORE SHIPPMENT

TERMS OF DELIVERY IS 6 MONTHS AND ALSO PARTIAL SHIPMENT ISD ALLOWED AFTER THE RECEIPT OF YOUR PAYMENT .
ONLY SERIOUS EXPORTER WILL BE CONSIDERED.
So you are to confirm the price per each t-shirt and your capability to hand the mentioned quantity on hearing from you the details for the application of the Contract will be given to you so as to proceed ahead immediately.

Kindly provide your contact phone number for easy and effective communications as you can as well call directly on my number mentioned below .
Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame

Tel:+233-274-134-007
DILBERT DOWE
Dear Kwame,

I have just read your mail, and frankly, I am astounded by your statement that you need a MILLION shirts! Packaged 12 to a bag, that's almost 84,000 bags, far too many to ship. I cannot even imagine how much it would cost to ship containers large enough to carry that many shirts!

I told you that we could do 105 gross (which is just 15,210) of shirts, but you want many times more than the quantity we can produce.

Thank you for the size-specification chart, but we cannot pay to re-calibrate all of our machinery to inches/centimeters. The cost would have to be factored into the equation, and would make the final cost very expensive.

What other options do you have that we could consider?

Waiting to hear from you, D. Dowe
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.3.164]
Fri, 18 Sep 2007

Dear Dilbert Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

I have gone to the Ministry Complex and explained everything to them regards to your ability of handling the total quantities of T-shirts and the Ministry made it known to me to inform you that the shipment / delivery of the total quantites of T-shirts is not required at once but the shipment can be done partially as you can understand that this project is 2007 / 2008 project for the Rehabilitation Exercise going-on here in Ghana.

In this regards I don't think that the shipment / production of the total quantity will be any problem as the most important thing now is to apply for the contract on behalf of your esteemed company so that the Ministry i.e the principal buyer will be aware that your company is participating in this tender bidding going on here in Ghana as I have consider this as our opportunity of working together and I am doing all this to build a strong / long lasting business relationship with you that will last forever.

Meanwhile,am not saying that you re-calibrate all of your machinery to inches/centimeters. But you can use thesame method of production you have been using to manufacture the total quantity of T-shirts because the Ministry said that they are interested in concluding this contract with an oversea company without any further delay because as soon as this contract is concluded with your company thereafter the Ministry will make the payment to you so as for you to start the production / shipment gradually / partially as stated by them, and also you will have to know the amount it will cost in shipping the goods from your country down here in Ghana as Ghana is the final port of destination.

So you are required to quote the price for the T-shirts on CIF .

I have explained to the Ministry that your esteemed company is capable enough to handle this contract , so let us work together as brothers to achieve this great opportunity . Kindly let me know the prices for each T-shirts so as to enable me inform the Ministry and as soon as this is done then we proceed ahead immediately without any further delay.

Regards to the packaging of the T-shirts ,you can use your method of packaging as it is accepted.

Kindly provide your mobile phone number for easy and effective communications and you can as well call me on +233-274-134-007 for further discussion regards to the smooth conclussion of this contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame
DILBERT DOWE

Let him cool his heels for a few days. Then...

Dear Kofi Kwame,

I've been working with our Finance and Costs department, and we've come up with several figures for your consideration:

The cost of processing the cloth, cutting, assembling and shipping of 1 MILLION T-shirts in sizes Small, Medium, Large, & X-Large, (250,000 of EACH size) is as follows:

Sm: $3.17 per shirt = $792,500
Med: $3.37 / shirt = $742,500
Lg: $3.57 / shirt = $952,500
X-L: $3.77 / shirt = $842,500

Grand total = $3,470,000 (Total amount includes labor, overtime labor, materials, Shipping&Handling, warehouse handling, taxes and tariffs.

Kofi, after much wrangling and discussion and compromise, and the fact that we would be doing a good service to people in need (not to mention a 4-Martini and Sirloin Steak lunch), I was able to get the CFO and Costs departments to knock $.50 / shirt off the price, which will bring your cost down to $2,970,000. Total. Absolute lowest price we can do for a million shirts.

I want you to be assured that we manufacture only the finest quality products, you and your department will be very impressed with the garments.

Dilbert H. Dowe, President, CEO, UnderDowes, INC (OK, dhd)

SSB
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.19.22]
Sat, 22 Sep 2007

WOW, Kwame accepts the "offer"--$30-$40 per DOZEN for plain, white T-shirts? Are you KIDDING???? He's definitely ready for the loony bin... Let's see where this goes. shall we?...

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

Thank you for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.
The recommendation for this project is through the Tender Board/Contract Award Committee- headed by MRS JANET MENSAH. My company is entiled to a 1%commission of the total invoice value after receive of full payment for the supply of the Item.
On introducing your Company to her on phone,she have assured me of her willingness to work with you but the co-operation with you is the most needed. As they have confirmed and approved your prices because I told them you are going to produce high quality and they have approved your prices.
The general terms of this supply are as follows:
1/ Brief Introduction of your company.

2/.Your Banking Deatils

3/.Prepare Proforma Invoice for the T-shirts on your esteemed company given prices .
4/ Your certificate of incorporation or registration of you business in your country.
5/ A letter of introduction of your company to the Chairman Tender Board Contract Award Committee explaining that you were contacted by Mr.Kofi Kwame of Kofi Kwame Agency Ltd.
Below is the Draft copy of the letter of introduction:
THE CHAIRMAN TENDER BOARD CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE:
GOVERNMENT OF GHANA.
ACCRA 2
GHANA,
REF:FGOG/ARWS/CON/03/GH
Letter of introduction:
Firstly,..... introduce your company as a reliable trading company based in (INDICATE YOUR COUNTRY),which deals on T-shirts .
Secondly,....that your company is able to co-operate with the GOVERNMENT OF GHANA (GOGH) in the supply of T-SHIRTS through their registerd Agent MR.KOFI KWAME of KOFI KWAME AGENCY LTD for the ongoing GHANA REHABILITATION EXERCISE.
Lastly,...Emphasize that you have the ability to carry out any related supply , as you will remain the oversea Principal supplier and partner to KOFI KWAME AGENCY LTD.
Close...,Yours faithfully,
The Director.signed and stamped.
All documents are to be prepared on your company's letter-head, duely signed by the director of your company.
The above Documents are to be send via E-mail Attachment for onward direct submission to the Ministry to avoid further delay.
I look forward to the confirmations of the above terms by you.
Awaiting your response and calls as soon as you read this mail for confirmations to carryout this supply without any further delay .
Best Regards,
Mr.Kofi Kwame,
Kofi Kwame Agency Ltd,
Tel:+233-274-134-007

Note: Partial shipment is allowed for the delivery of the total quantities of the T-shirts .
KOFI KWAME

Leave him alone (I've been busy) for a week, then...
Received: from [41.210.28.118]
Fri, 28 Sep 2007

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

I have been worried not hearing from you, hope all is well with you all? I am reminding you of my last mail which you have not responded to.

Please kindly, get the needed documents across to me so that, we can proceeed on the submission to the Tender Board/Contract Award Committee of the Ministry first thing next week to enable the committee verify your esteemed company's documents and officially approve the contract for your company to supply the T-Shirts. Please i want you to respond as soon as you read this mail and give me the update on your side.

Waiting to hear from you soon without further delay.

Best Regards,
Mr.Kofi Kwame,
Kofi Kwame Agency Ltd,
Tel:+233-274-134-007
DILBERT DOWE

~sigh~ This deserves a reply. Disaster has struck!...

Dear Kwame,

Thanks for your patience, but I don't need a reminder. We've been so busy, I hardly have time to sit down and write back to you. I'm dictating this to my secretary, and she will e-mail you, so you will be updated.

We had a small fire here, it destroyed a couple of tons of raw cotton, so our production has been halted, you probably know that cotton doesn't burn readily, but the smoke and water damage was very considerable.

We began production on your order, (something that large needs to begin as soon as possible, even before the actual contract signing) so that we would have a "head start", and that's when the trouble started. The #3 batting gears jammed just for a minute or two, and caused the bearings to overheat, then all HELL broke loose! The Firefighters had to be called and they got the fire under control quite rapidly, but the smoke and water took their toll. We'll spend all weekend cleaning up, and we should be back on production-line, first thing Monday morning.

I will get all the information you need when I contact my banker, Oscar Mayer. He has all my important papers in the safety-deposit box at the bank.

Thanks again for understanding.

Dill
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.11.12]
Tue, 2 Oct 2007

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

Thank you for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

I am very sorry for the accident which occur there in your factory / company and which has affected your production. I pray that God almighty will strengthen you and will replace all that you have lost and I also beleive God almighty that as soon as we conclude this contract with the Ministry we both will have alot to benefit from this business.

My Beloved Brother in the Lord, I want you to understand that the most important thing is for your esteemed company to apply for this contract first so that the Ministry will recognize your company as one of the participating company willing and capable enough to handle the supply of the T-shirts.

So you are required to provide all the required documents so as to enable me rush to the Ministry Complex for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company without any further delay. Send all the required documents to me via e-mail attachment as soon as possible. Because I have already informed the Ministry that I have a reliable company willing to handle the supply and to proof to them I told them that you have already started the productions .

Kindly provide your mobile phone number for easy and effective communications.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame,
+233-274-134-007
DILBERT DOWE
Dear Kwame,

Sorry to take so long answering your mail. My secretary, Siri, has taken ill, and I try to do her job, plus my own! Good thing it was not as bad as it could have been. But still, it has sidelined her for a week so far. It could be real dangerous for her, if the infection has spread to her lungs. She will be back to work next Monday, we hope, so we can continue this work.

Apparently, the smoke damage was more than we'd first thought, and it'll be another week, before we can get back on production.

Stay in touch,

Dill
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.24.12]
Wed, 10 Oct 2007

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

Thank you for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

I am very sorry to hear that Siri, your secretary is ill and I pray to almighty God for spead healing and recovery. am also sorry for the damage cuased by the smoke and I pray that we will surely be successful over this contract so that after the contract you can recover what you have lost.

Please understand that the most important thing you have to do now is to provide all the required documents so as to enable me rush to the Ministry for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company. Please try as much as possible to see that by next week monday or tuesday you provide the required documents so as to enable me apply for the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

Kindly provide me your contact details in your next e-mail .

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kwame Tel:+233-274-134-007
DILBERT DOWE
Dear Kofi Kwame,

I was working on a letter to you an hour ago, and for some reason my computer crashed, so I have to start all over again. Remember I told you Siri was ill? The ambulance had to take her to the hospital, where she died late last night. I just found out about it this morning. The family is just devastated, and now has to make emergency funeral plans, because her religion says the body has to be buried within 3 days of death. We are so sad for her family. I have to hire a new executive secretary, and teach her the business. As sad as we are, we must agree that life must go on.

I do want to continue our business arrangement, for the shirts. We have almost half of the first batch of LARGE T-shirts, 120,000 ready to go, crated 1,200 (100dozen) to a container, and we should be finished with the rest by next Wednesday. Then they are shipped immediately, reaching your shore by 5November. Be sure to hire several husky and strong lads to load and deliver the shipment to your interior ministry.

As soon as the 250,000 LARGE shirts are taken to shipping, we re-calibrate the machines to process the next batch. Would you prefer MEDIUM, or EXTRA-LARGE shirts? I estimate the time to finish those shirts will be 10 working days.

The cost of shipping the goods is factored into the price, and we would appreciate a wire -transfer of at least $500,000 as down payment for the shipment. I can furnish you with my bank information within minutes of your reply.

Best wishes, and do join us in our mourning of my fine secretary, Siri S. Bling.

Dilbert H. Dowe, CEO, UnderDowes, Inc.
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.30.173]
Wed, 24 Oct 2007

My Dear Brother Dilbert H. Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of explanations contents well noted/understood.

I am very sorry to read that your secretary Siri who is now a dead person at the hospital and I pray that she will rest in perfect peace at the side of the Lord. And I also pray that God almighty will give her family the hear to bea the lost of Siri .

My Beloved Brother Dilbert H. Dowe,Yes the business has to go on because God knows everything and why it happened this way.

Like what I have explained to you that the Ministry needs the T-shirts to be S:M:L:XL and you have to kae them ready and available because as soon as everything is okay the Ministry will make their full payment into your account immediately to start up the shipment as soon as possible.

I have explained to you that this is a tender bidding and you need to provide the required documents to enable me apply for the contract on your behalf by submitting them to the Ministry . So you are required to write a brief introduction of your company and your banking details and also the certificate of registration or incorporation of your company there in your country and as soon as I receive the documents then I will rush to the Ministry and submitte same to them immediately.

So send the below documents to me as soon as possible and it has to be signed by you :

1/.Brief Introduction of your company

2/.Your Banking details

3/.Proforma Invoice for the total quantity of T-shirts

As soon as I receive the above required documents I will quickly rushed to the Ministry first thing tomorrow morning for them to know the company that will be supplying the T-shirts to them.

Also let me have your direct contact phone number for easy and effective communication.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon. God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame

Cell:+233-274-134-007
KOFI KWAME

A couple of weeks elapse, then...
Received: from [41.210.27.193]
Thu, 8 Nov 2007

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

I want to believe God almighty that this mail finds you and your entire family in good health,If so doxology.

My Beloved Brother in the Lord,Dilbert H. Dowe, how was the funeral of of your secretary Siri ? I want to beleive God almighty that everything went on fine during her funeral.

I am writting again to remind of the documents you are required to provide for the application and approval from the side of the Ministry because as soon as they receive the documents from your esteemed company they will start facilitating everything .

Kindly send all the required documents to me via e-mail attachment so as to enable me rush to the Ministry for submission to them.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame,

Handy:+233-274-134-007
DILBERT DOWE
Dear Kofi Kwame:

Sorry I haven't mailed you in a couple of weeks, things around here are really hectic! Since Siri died, I've had to try to hire somebody to do her work, which believe me, is NOT EASY!!!

The funeral was very nice, thank you for your thoughts and concern. Needless to say, she was very much loved, and the church was full! They even had to put extra chairs in the Narthex, and along the walls. I've never seen such a wonderful expression of love and friendship, as the funeral for Siri S. Bling. We will miss her forever!

But life goes on, and I have my business to run, and our deal to finish.

I will get the documents together, remind me again what you need. A letter of introduction, and what else? I'll see if this woman I hired to replace Siri can type a decent letter for you. She's really beautiful, but I don't know if there is anything behind that face. And the back-side is spectacular! (If you know what I mean!)

Let me know, OK?

Dilbert H. Dowe
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.25.126]
Important stuff. So, sent twice, of course...
Fri, 9 Nov 2007
09:34:04 (and again, :06)

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

Thank you for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.
I am very sorry for the death of Siri your secretary and I thank God almighty that the funeral was successful and how the people expressed their love and friendship towards her funeral and I beleiev God almighty will accept her soul as she has gone forever .

Below are the documents you need to provide :
1/ Brief Introduction of your company.

2/.Your Banking Deatils

3/.Prepare Proforma Invoice for the T-shirts on your esteemed company given prices .

4/ A letter of introduction of your company to the Chairman Tender Board Contract Award Committee explaining that you were contacted by Mr.Kofi Kwame of Kofi Kwame Agency Ltd.

Below is the Draft copy of the letter of introduction:
THE CHAIRMAN TENDER BOARD CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE:
GOVERNMENT OF GHANA.
ACCRA 2
GHANA,
REF:FGOG/ARWS/CON/03/GH
Letter of introduction:
Firstly,..... introduce your company as a reliable trading company
based in (INDICATE YOUR COUNTRY),which deals on T-shirts .
Secondly,....that your company is able to co-operate with the GOVERNMENT OF GHANA (GOGH) in the supply of T-SHIRTS through their registerd Agent MR.KOFI KWAME of KOFI KWAME AGENCY LTD for the ongoing GHANA REHABILITATION EXERCISE.
Lastly,...Emphasize that you have the ability to carry out any related supply , as you will remain the oversea Principal supplier and partner to KOFI KWAME AGENCY LTD.
Close...,
Yours faithfully,
The Director.
signed and stamped.

You are required to prepare the above required documents and send to me via e-mail attachment and as soon as I receive the documents I will rush to the Ministry for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company. Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You.
Best Regards,
Mr.Kofi Kwame,
Kofi Kwame Agency Ltd,
Tel:+233-274-134-007

Note: Partial shipment is allowed for the delivery of the total quantities of the T-shirts .
KOFI KWAME

A week goes by...
Received: from [41.210.20.106]
Mon, 19 Nov 2007

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

I want to believe God almighty that this mail finds you in good health and in good spirit, If so doxology.

My Beloved Brother in the Lord,kindly provide the required documents to enable me rush to the Ministry Complex for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame
DILBERT DOWE
Kofi Kwame:

I told you I'm breaking in a new secretary. There's a lot good about her, but she needs a lot of training. Be patient. I don't know where she worked before coming here, but I can tell you, she doesn't know the T-shirt business from a hole in the ground!

If it wasn't for that gorgeous face and her spectacular figure, I'd have tossed her out on that incredible butt of hers, last week!!!

Things should be OK to proceed in a day or two. Be patient.

Dilbert H. Dowe
KOFI KWAME

Received: from [41.210.29.221]
Tue, 20 Nov 2007

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail.

Please My Brother try your possible best as you said in a day or two to send all the required documents to me so as for me to rush to the Ministry and apply for the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

Again I have contact the committee secretary here in Ghana and I have explained to them your situation of providing the documents they said that I should inform you to write the letter and your banking details in a plain paper and sign by you and thereafter that I can come and apply for the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

Meanwhile,in a situation whereby your new employed secretary can not type the documents you can write the Letters of Introduction which I have given you how you should present it and you Banking details and the Proforma Invoice for the T-shirts on your company Letter headed paper or plain paper and sign on them and send back to me via e-mail attachment immediately so as for me to rush to the Ministry for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame
KOFI KWAME

Monday, and the Lad is anxious...
Received: from [41.210.29.219]
Mon, 3 Dec 2007

My Dear Brother Dilbert H. Dowe,

I want to believe God almighty that this mail finds you in good health and in good spirit,If so doxology.

My Beloved Brother in the Lord,I went to the Ministry Complex today and explained your situation of providing the required documents and they said that I should inform you to provide the Proforma Invoice and your Banking details so as for me to rush back to them for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

Also provide your contact phone numbers to me for easy and effective communications.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame
DILBERT DOWE
Dear Kofi Kwame,

I must sincerely apologize for the lateness of this reply. You have no idea what a madhouse this has become, and it's all my fault!

I have to tell you, just between us men, NEVER hire a young woman to be your secretary! Hire a middle-aged, married woman whose kids are all grown and gone, and who has no interest in you or your money! If you make the mistake of letting your "manhood" make your decisions, your business will suffer!

Let me tell you what happened. I hired Sarah, and she turned out to be such a drama queen--everything was such a problem, or a hassle, or too difficult, or too much trouble. I wondered out loud if I had made a big mistake. That's when the REAL histrionics started. She was jumping around here, yelling and screaming until I thought she was crazy, and I hoped the cops weren't on the way!

I finally put my temper aside, and got her calmed down by putting my arm around her shoulder, then I put both arms around her, and she laid her head on my chest, she was crying. I said I was sorry that she got so worked up, and I must have said I was sorry about a hundred times, and then one thing led to another, and we ended up in a VERY romantic position.

Well, the upshot of the whole thing is that Miss Sarah Bernhardt is no longer my secretary, in fact, we will be married on the day after Christmas! Needless to say, she won't be my secretary any longer. I am in process of interviewing yet ANOTHER secretary! I even think that a male secretary would be a good thing.

I will be sending you the documents within a few days. I had some new letterheads made, I will be interested to see how well you think they look, and will they impress your Interior Ministry. Tell me again, what do you need other than the 'proforma invoice"?

I will write again in a day or two, when I hear from you.

Thanks, Dill Dowe

...I think he wised up, finally. Goodbye, Kofi, it's been fun (and "almost EXTREMELY profitable"!!!!)

DILBERT DOWE
Dear Kofi Kwame,

Sarah and I just returned from our honeymoon, and we had a good time on our trip to Bagellox. WOW, she was a lousy secretary, but is Sarah a great wife! If she can cook, I will be the luckiest guy in the world!

I have a HUGE file of e-mail, but I answered yours first, and I have to ask you to give me a day or so, to wade through it, and get into my office on Monday. Since it's the weekend, your Ministry office is probably closed anyway, so it won't make any difference to them when I send the information they need.

With all the wedding arrangements and everything, I need a reminder of what exactly, the Ministry needs. Be a pal, and tell me again, besides the ProForma invoice, what else has to be sent?

By the way, all the time I was gone, my employees worked their tails off! We now have over 200,000 size Large shirts. By Tuesday, they should re-calibrate the machines to size Medium, or would you rather Extra Large? Let me know right away, OK?

Thanks, Dill Dowe
KOFI KWAME
Received: from [217.20.244.106]
Date: Mon, 14 Jan 2008

Dear Dill Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

Happy married life my good friend and I pray that the lord who has directed you to Sarah to be your wife will always be with both of you in Jesus Name (Amen).

My Beloved Brother Dill Dowe, I want you to understand that you have caused alot of delay over this matter from providing all the required documents, the documents you are required to provide is the Proforma Invoice for the total quantities of T-shirts and also your banking details where you wish to receive the contract payment from the Ministry.

As soon as the Proforma Invoice and your banking details are inplace then I will rush to the Ministry for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company. Kindly provide to me you direct phone numbers for easy communications. I have aksed you for your phone numbers severaly but you never want to send it to me why ?

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame
DILBERT DOWE
Dear Kofi Kwame,

Just a note to let you know, all 250,000 size Large T-shirts are all finished. We are packing them into bundles of 500 shirts each, so there will be 2,000 bundles of shirts. My workers are really proud of their accomplishment. This was quite an order, and they have promised to work straight through until the job is done. They are some good people!

We will be ready to ship these shirts by Friday, so there is not a rush with the ProForma invoice, but I will bill for $3.07/shirt, so the invoice will read $767,500.00.

I will contact my banker tomorrow morning, expect to hear from him. His name is Stanley Scott Ballz, and he's a really great guy. We go fishing all the time at his lake-cabin in the woods. He's got a stash of some bootleg whiskey that is so old, and so good! His great-grandfather made a deal with some guy named Joe Kennedy back in the 1920s, and that stuff has aged to a real fine, smooth hooch. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water!

Talk to you tomorrow, my new wife is calling me!

Dilbert H. Dowe
KOFI KWAME
Received: from [217.20.244.106]
Date: Tue, 15 Jan 2008

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,
Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood. You are required to provide your banking details and your company full name and address so as to enable me rush to the Ministry for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.
As soon as you banking details and your company full name and address are in place we can proceed ahead immediately without any further delay.
Awaiting to hearing from you soon.
Mr.Kofi Kwame

[Well, here we go! Is money going to be made?]

DILBERT DOWE
To Kofi Kwame,

Sorry for the delay with this, I had to bring my new secretary, Frederick Upyersz, up to date with the deal, and with his help, I was able to put this together for you. I hope you can print it out so that it is in a clear and concise-looking document for you to present to your Ministry of Interior:

UnderDowes, INC
9845 N. Boxer Hanes, SV, 24192

Re: ProForma Invoice

To: MINISTRY OF INTERIOR, Ghana, West Africa
cc: INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT ASSOCIATION (IDA)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ORDER: 1 MILLION WHITE, 100% COTTON T-shirts, no design
Sm: $3.17 per shirt = $792,500
Med: $3.37 / shirt = $742,500
Lg: $3.57 / shirt = $892,500
X-L: $3.77 / shirt = $942,500
Grand total = $3,370,000 (Total amount includes material, labor, overtime labor, warehousing, Shipping&Handling, taxes and tariffs.

Per agreement, cost will be discounted at the rate of $.50/shirt, in accordance with this charitable endeavor.

Therefore, the total amount for all 1 million shirts is $2,870,000.00.

NOTE: Apparently, the effects of her (at that time, undiagnosed) illness are the reason for an incorrect amount of over $3.5 Million that had been quoted to Mr. Kwame, who can explain to you the unfortunate circumstances of Mrs. Bling's demise.

As of today, Thursday, 17January, 2008, 250,000 size LARGE shirts have been manufactured, bundled, and are ready to ship, per order of Mr. Kofi Kwame of Kofi Kwame Agency Ltd, Ghana. Discounting shirts at agreed rate, the amount invoiced to your Ministry of Interior is 767,500.00, which should be deposited into our corporation bank account:

Account name: "SHIRTS 'R' US" dba: UnderDowes, INC. 9845 N. Boxer St. Hanes, SV, 24192
FIRST State Bank, 200 3rd Street, Hanes, South Virginia 24120
Account number: 38594638-48576-11 X-code: OICUR1-2
Personal Banker: Stanley Scott Ballz

I want you to be assured that we manufacture only the finest quality products, and that you, and your departments, will be very impressed with the garments.

Dilbert H. Dowe,
President, CEO, UnderDowes, INC (fu, DHD)
KOFI KWAME

[I hear from Kwame. As you probably know, I have an 'esteemed company', which he tells me 6 times in this short note...]

Received: from [195.225.62.42] (Israeli satellite ISP, typically serving West African businesses and cybercafes)
Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2008

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.
I want to believe God almighty that this mail finds you in good health and in good spirit,If so doxology.

Yes,I have received all the requirements from your esteemed company for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company and I have just finished writting an application letter on my hand-written to include with all your esteemed company documents so as to go for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

Immediately after sending this mail to you I will be rushing to the Ministry Complex for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company and as soon as that is done then I will update you how I went for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company.

After I have applied for the contract on behalf of your esteemed company today I will update you how I went , and as soon as you hear from the Ministry after I have applied for the contract on behalf of your esteemed company also inform me for my personal records because I will be submitting to the Ministry all your contact informations as the oversea company willing to handle the supply of the 1 million pcs of T-shirts and please if you by any means receive any information from the side of the Ministry also inform me for my personal records.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You
Mr.Kofi Kwame
Tel:+233-274-134-007
KOFI KWAME

[In Saturday's mail. My company is still 'esteemed'...]

Received: from [195.225.62.42]
Date: Sat, 19 Jan 2008

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,
I want to believe God almighty that this mail finds you in good health and in good spirit, If so doxology.
My Beloved in the Lord,Like what I told you yesterday that I was going to the Ministry Complex for the application of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company , I have gone to the Ministry Complex and thank God that the contract has already been applied on your esteemed company behalf yesterday.
Meanwhile,If you by any means receive any information (s) from the side of the Ministry also update me for my personal records because I have submitted all your esteemed company documents and contact informations to the Ministry .

I also met with my school mate who is working there in the Ministry and I told him much about your esteemed company capability of handling the supply if the contract is awarded to your esteemed company and he said that he will try his possible best to see what he can do to secure the contract for your company in favour of me .
Awaiting to hearing from you soon.
God Bless You
Mr.Kofi Kwame
Tel:+233-274-134-007

[HEY!! What's THIS???

"...if the contract is awarded to your esteemed company and he said that he will try his possible best to see what he can do to secure the contract for your company in favour of me..."

I think I see the wrinkle...I smell a distinct aroma, of a palm outstretched, needing to be greased...]

DILBERT DOWE
Kofi Kwame:

What the hell is this? I thought this is a done deal! I'm sitting on a quarter of a million damn shirts, that are all done, set, and ready to be shipped, and NOW you tell me that IF the contract is awarded??? and your buddy will TRY his best to see what he can do??????

"...if the contract is awarded to your esteemed company and he said that he will try his possible best to see what he can do to secure the contract for your company in favour of me..."

What the HELL's going on?

You better come up with a good reason for writing this to me, I'm in this up to my eyeballs, Kwame!!!

Dill Dowe
KOFI KWAME

[This came while I'm writing the outraged note...]

Received: from [81.199.63.123] (another Israeli satellite ISP, typically serving West African businesses and cybercafes)
Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2008

Dear Dilbert H. Dowe,
I want to believe God almighty that this mail finds you in good health and in good spirit,If so doxology. Like I told you in my previous e-mail that I have already applied for the contract supply of 1 million pcs of T-shirts on behalf of your esteemed , kindly let me know if you have receive any information (s) from the side of the Ministry. Please if you receive any information (s) from the side of the Ministry also update me for my personal records and follow-ups.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

Mr.Kofi Kwame

[More to come? Will Dilbert get the contract?]

KOFI KWAME
Received: from [41.210.12.17]
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2008

My Dear Brother Dill Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

Please understand that I am 100% sure that we will win this contract as I went to the Ministry today and they said that they will contact you as soon as possible to conclude the contract and to make your transfer into your account.

So my brother come down and let us work together as brothers because I know that we will become successful over this contract.

God Bless You
Mr.Kofi Kwame
DILBERT DOWE

[I have to stall Kwame...]

Dear Kofi Kwame,

Thank you for your reply, but I'm afraid that I will have to beg your indulgence for a few days. I heard from a Mrs. Janet Mensah, and I also wrote to her about this thing that happened over the weekend.

I've been informed by my doctor that I must undergo surgery immediately! I am not sure what he suspects, but I must report to the hospital this very morning, to prepare for the operation!

I will have to suspend our dealings for a few days, until I am well enough to return to my home. If you will be so kind, please excuse me from our business for at least 3 days. I will write you when I am able.

Thank you,

Dill Dowe
JANET MENSAH

[A new lady (uh huh, uh huh) writes with an attachment... ]

Received: from [41.210.15.164]
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008

Attention:The President

Subject: TENDER CONFIRMATION

Sir/Madam,
Kindly fill the attached Tender Verification Form and return back to us by email.
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs.Janet Mensah,
Comm.Sec.

[And a few minutes later...]

Attention: The President.
Subject: TENDER VERIFICATION FORM

Sir,
After several fruitless efforts to send this piece of document to you by fax, we decided to send through this medium.
Kindly confirm the receipt of this mail and the clearity of the attachment.
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs.Janet Mensah,
Committee Secretary.
DILBERT DOWE
Mrs. Janet Mensah,

Thank you for your prompt reply, but I'm afraid that I will have to beg your indulgence for a few days.

I've been informed by my doctor that I must undergo surgery immediately! I am not sure what he suspects, but I must appear at hospital this very morning, to prepare for the operation!

I will have to suspend our dealings for a few days, until I am well enough to return to my home. If you will be so kind, please excuse me from our business for at least 3 days. I will write you when I am able.

Thank you, Dill Dowe
KOFI KWAME
Received: from [41.210.2.251]
Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2008

Dear Dill Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

Also I went to the Ministry Complex to know the situation of the contract on behalf of your esteemed company and I met with the committee secretary Mrs.Janet Mensah and she said that they have sent to you the confirmation document and a form to fill and return back to them as soon as possible.

Meanwhile,regards to your present condition for operation I will also inform the Ministry to kindly give you some time to go to the hospital and come back.

I pray that the operartion will be carry-out successfully in Jesus Name (Amen).

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless and protect you
Mr.Kofi Kwame
DILBERT DOWE
To Kofi Kwame,

I sent you the ProForma Invoice. I sent it to the Mensah woman. Do you think she's sitting on it? Ask her about it. She should have it.

I've been waiting for you to reply to my mail. What's happening with you? Are you dead? You told me you want a million shirts, and then you leave me hanging. Are you a businessman or not?

I thought this is a done deal. I have all the shirts ready, packed in containers and loaded onto shipping pallets. It will take less than a week to get them to your Ministry of Interior.

As stated on the ProForma, I am billing for the partial shipment. I'm waiting for the initial payment, but I haven't seen a penny. What's going on? Are you just screwing with me?

Dill Dowe
KOFI KWAME
Received: from [41.210.8.157]
Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2008

Dear Dill Dowe,

Thank you very much for your mail of today contents well noted/understood.

You sent me an e-mail that you where going to the hospital for an operation and again you said you received a form from the Ministry to fill regards to the supply of the t-shirts that when you return back from the hospital that you will fill the form and send back to the Ministry.

If I may ask have you filled the form and return back to the Ministry of Interior ?

Meanwhile,you should understand that you are the one causing this whole delay for the supply of the t-shirts. Also if you are back from the hospital I will urge you to fill the form you said you received from the Ministry i.e from Mrs.Janet Mensah and return back to them and also apologize to them for your delay due to you went to the hospital.

Please as soon as you fill the form and send back to the Ministry also let me know so as for me to follwo it up immediately. because when I visited the Ministry last they said you sent them an e-mail that you where going for an operation that when you are back you will contact them back and now that you are back you should notify them.

To you how do you want the Ministry to transfer your contract sum to your account without discussing and getting more details from your esteemed company ? So what you have to do now is to fill the form and send back to them so that we can proceed ahead immediately without any further delay.

Also kindly provide to me your direct contact phone numbers for easy and effective communications for the conclussion of this contract as you know that you are the one delaying this matter.

Awaiting to hearing from you soon.

God Bless You

Mr.Kofi Kwame

Cell:+233-274134007

[More to come?]

 

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