HE WAS A VERY HUMBLE MAN

It's a story of tragic death, a fortune in cash, secret transactions... lies, deception, and a very odd confession that ended in the mother of all slaps... Eliza Dane strikes again!

The Scammers [Grey indicates an "inactive" character]

Barrister John Okafor, "a solicitor atlaw,personal attorney to Mr.P.B Anderson...who used to work with Shell Development Company in Nigeria"
Dr. Charles Balogun, of Capital Bank PLC Nigeria
[Laddish comments suggest this is a slap at police official Tafa Balogun, indicted on corruption-related charges.
Or maybe Balogun is just a common name and we need to get outdoors more often.]

Kenneth Michael Oguejio, Capital Bank accountant (inactive role)

The Baiter

Eliza Dane, Odin-worshipping photomodel from Sydney, with a foul mouth and a need for serious anger management
[In photographs, she bears a close resemblance to Sophie Monk.]
Sif, Thor and Odin, deities of the Norse pantheon, often invoked by Eliza

WESTERN UNION and MONEY GRAM have no more than a cameo role in this bait.

Beware - profanity-rich environment!


[As usual, out of the blue...]

Barrister John Okafor

10 September 2006
Barrister John Okafor (SAN),
Okafor & ASSOCIATES
Telephone/ 234-80-330-12795
Dear Sir/Madam,

I am Barrister John Okafor , a solicitor atlaw,personal attorney to Mr.P.B Anderson, a national Of your country,who used to work with Shell Development Company in nigeria. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2001, my client,his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along Nouvissi express Road. Alloccupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the fund valued at US$10.5 million left behind by my client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Firm where this huge amount were deposited. The said Security Finance Company has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have his account confisicated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating therelatives for over 2years now, I seek the consent

to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim.

All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me through the above email for more details.

Best regards.

Barrister John Okafor.
Telephone/ 234-80-330-12795


[Another Dead Bank Customer... standard format, except for the problems with the space bar - BORING... but bring it on anyway...]

Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

Did you really mean this for me?

I'm a bit surprised by it.

Regards,

Eliza Dane


[No problems, the hook is taken!]

Barrister John Okafor

11 September 2006

FROM THE DESK OF BARRISTER JOHN OKAFOR.

DATE/ 11-09-2006.

ATTN, ELIZA DANE,

AM SO DELIGHTED FOR YOUR INDICATIONS TO ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSACTION,I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS REAL AND LEGITEMATE WHICH ALL THE LEGAL DOCUMENTS CONCERNING IT WAS LEFT ON MY DESK BY MY LATE CLIENT Mr.PETER BASIL Anderson BEFORE HIS UNTIMELY DEATH WITH HIS FAMILIES.EVER BEFORE HIS DEATH, HE Mr.P.B. Anderson WAS A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MY FAMILIES, HIS WIFE AND MY WIFE WAS SO CLOSE THAT THEY LATTER MADE MY WIFE GENERAL SUPPERVISOR OF HIS CONSTRUCTION COMPANY.

DEAR I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS TRANSACTION REQUIRED TRUSTH FROM THE TWO PARTIES, YOU SHOULD ABIDE WITH MY INSTRUCTIONS IF YOU REALY WANTS US TO SHARE THIS FUND.AM GOING TO USE MY POWER AND CONNECTIONS WITH THE LEGAL DOCUMENTS TO MAKE SURE WE CLAIM THIS FUND BUT WHAT WORRIES ME ALOT ,IS THAT HOW AM I SURE THAT AS SOON AS THE PAYMENT IS DONE INTO YOUR ACCOUNT ,THAT YOU WILL NOT CHEAT ON ME.

BY TOMORROW ON YOUR RESPOND TO THIS MAIL,I WILL GO ON TO SECURE FOR YOU THE AFFIDEVITE OF CLAIM FROM FEDRAL HIGH COURT OF JUSTICE ON YOUR BEHALF AND AFFIDEVITE OF  CHANGE OF NAME SO THAT THE BANK WILL NOT INTORRAGATE YOU MORE ON YOUR NAME.

YOU ARE RESTASSURED THAT WITH YOUR HONESTY, CONFIDENCIALTY OF THIS

TRANSACTION, NOTE THAT THIS FUND IS OURS.

BELOW IS THE TEXT OF APPLICATION OF CLAIM WHICH IS THE FIRST STEP TO THIS

CLAIM AND IF AFTER THE VERIFICATION OF YOUR APPLICATION BY THE BANK AND YOU ARE CONTACTED SHOWS THAT YOU ARE SATISFIED FIT AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THIS FUND WHICH I WILL BE WORKING ON THAT TO MAKE SURE VITAL THINGS IS DONE BEFORE THE MANDETORY DATE GIVEN BY THE BANK WHICH IS 21 WORKING DAY, DEAR YOU HAVE TO HASTE UP AND ALWAYS ANSWER YOUR MAILS IMMEDIATELY FROM ME OR IF YOU ARE CONTACTED BY THE BANK PLEASE.

THANKS FOR YOUR INDICATIONS TO ASSIST ME.

BARRISTER JOHN OKAFOR.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

CAPITAL BANK PLC

International Remittance Department

35/37 Adebola Street off Ademram

Ogunsaya surulere Lagos, Nigeria

Fax 234-1-722-3364 Phone 234-2522-00-50

Email info_capitalbank_plc@myway.com or info_capital_bankplc1@yahoo.com

Date/11-09-2006

I, Mr.----------, of ------------------, humbly apply to this bank today, SEPTEMBER -------------, as next of kin to your customer MR.PETER BASIL ANDERSON

I humbly apply putting claim of withdrawal of the said above money deposited with your bank, and I wish my application will be given urgent attention as I hope this money will be released and transferred to my account in my country.

Beneficiary's Name:
Account Number:
Address:
City:
Country:
Profession:
Phone:
Fax:
Date of birth:
Place of birth:

I trust that my application will be guaranteed.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.

Yours faithfully,

-------------------------

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Please as soon as this is sent to the paying bank kindly mail me back or you call me on my cell phone number for more update concerning this transaction.

Best wishes,

BARRISTER OKAFOR.

234-80-30-127-95.



Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

If you don't believe that you can trust me, then why would we go ahead with this?

I'm sending the details as you suggested, but you should know that what you said is a bit of hit to my honour.

Regards,

Eliza Dane


Barrister John Okafor

12 September 2006

Dear Eliza Dane,

How are you today? hope all is well.Please for your information, my hotmail box is faulty,this is the reason i want you to start mailing me through my yahoo private box for security reasons.

I will be expecting your mail in this box if you really wants this to be confidencial as i told you.Am looking ahead to hear from you today.

Best Regards,

Barrister John Okafor

++

CAPITAL BANK PLC

International Remittance Department

35/37 Adebola Street off Ademram

Ogunsaya surulere Lagos, Nigeria

Fax 234-1-722-3364 Phone 234-2522-00-50

Email info_capitalbank_plc@myway.com or info_capital_bankplc1@yahoo.com

Date/15-09-2006

ATTN:

I, Ms. Eliza Dane, of Sydney, apply to this bank today, 15 SEPTEMBER 2006, as next of kin to your customer MR.PETER BASIL ANDERSON

I apply putting claim of withdrawal of the said above money deposited with your bank, and I wish my application will be given urgent attention as I hope this money will be released and transferred to my account in my country.

Beneficiary's Name: Elizabeth Danielle Dane

Account Number: G614 937 422

Address: 35 Westmoreland Grove Glebe

City: Sydney

Country: Australia

Profession: Photomodel

Date of birth: 12 August 1983

Place of birth: Sydney

I trust that my application will be guaranteed.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.

Yours faithfully,

Eliza Dane


[I sent it exactly as written.
"Wyrd" = fate.]


Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

Done - it rests with wyrd.

Regards,

Eliza Dane


[The bank Lad answers in full CAP LOCK mode - and waddya know, the fee is there, no messing around for this mugu. This one will be a pleasure!]

Dr. Charles Balogun

15 September 2006

FROM THE DESK OF DR CHARLES BALOGUN
CAPITAL BANK PLC
HEAD OFFICE, 104 MARINA ROAD-LAGOS NIGERIA
FAX;234-80-245-37657
PHONE;234-805-111-5292
15/09/2006.

ATTN: MRS.ELIZABETH DANIELLE DANE,

IN ACCORDANCE TO OUR BANKING AND ALLIED MATTERS OF 1962 AS AMENDED IN 1996, SUCH CLAIMS FROM THIS BANK ARE DETERMINABLE WITH THIS CATEGORY A OFFICIAL QUESTIONNAIRE. YOU ARE THEREFORE ADVISED IN YOUR OWN INTEREST TO FILL IN THE UNDERLISTED INFORMATION AS IT IS WRITTEN IN THE DECEASED CATEGORY A FILE JACKET SUBMITTED IN OUR BANK BEFORE HIS DEATH. NOTE THAT WE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY DELAY, MISTAKE, ERASURE OR CANCELLATION AS THAT MIGHT LEAD TO NOT APPROVING YOUR TENDERED APPLICATION. THE QUESTIONS ARE :

1. STATE THE NAME OF THE DECEASED ?

2. STATE HIS/HER NATIONALITY ?

3. STATE HIS/HER OCCUPATION/PROFESSION ?

4. STATE CLEARLY THE DATE THE DECEASED DIED AND WHAT LEAD TO HIS/HER DEATH ?

5. HOW OLD WAS HE/HER WHEN HE/SHE DIED ?

6. THE DECEASED LEFT WHAT IN OUR CUSTODY ? IF CASH STATE HOW MUCH AND WHERE IT WAS LEFT ?

7. WAS THE DECEASED MARRIED ? IF YES STATE HIS/HER WIFES / HUSBANDS NAME AND HOW MANY CHILDREN HE/SHE HAD ?

8. WAS THE DECEASED RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN OF FUNDS? IF YES STATE HIS/HER RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS.

9. WAS THE DECEASED A MEMBER OF ANY REGISTERED ORGANISATION IN NIGERIA?

10. ANY OTHER VALID INFORMATION WILL BE HELPFUL IN YOUR APPROVAL OF YOUR CLAIM.

11. A MANDATORY FEES OF $675 {SIX HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE UNITED STATES DOLLARS ) REPRESENTING OUR PROCESSING/ACTIVATING FUND, TENDER APPLICATION FEES.

THE ABOVE FEES SHOULD BE SENT TO US VIA THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM IN THE NAME OF OUR ACCOUNTING OFFICER: MR. KENNETH MICHAEL OGUEJIOFOR ADDRESS: 20 SIRO OKOKO STREET OJO LAGOS NIGERIA

SEND US THE MTCN 10 DIGIT INFORMATION CONTROL NUMBER OF THE PROCESSING FEES AS YOU SHALL SEND.

YOU ARE ADVISED TO ANSWER THE ABOVE LISTED QUESTIONS EXACTLY AS IT IS WRITTEN IN THE DECEASED SECURTITY FILE JACKET AND HAVE IT SENT BACK TO THIS OFFICE AT YOUR MOST POSSIBLE TIME AS OUR PROCEDURE IMPLIES ONCE THIS IS DONE WE WILL TELL YOU WHEN THE FUND WILL BE RELEASE.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

DR CHARLES BALOGUN
FOR CAPITAL BANK PLC NIGERIA



Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

This just in - and I may need a little help with it!

Regards,

Eliza Dane



[The good barrister is on the ball - except for a couple of answers that don't quite make sense (as Eliza will point out).
Incidentally, Festac Town is, IIRC, Scammer Central... hell of a place for a foreign businessman to set up shop...]


Barrister John Okafor

15 September 2006

Dear Mrs Eliza Dane,

How are you today? hope all is well.Am so delighted for your forwarded mail from the bank for answers, dear am so happy for your efforts towards this transaction.

I want you to be rest assured that nothing will stop us from inheriting this fund so far you contuine abide with me and keep it confidencial till the payment is done into your account.

Please you should not let the paying bank to know that am the person that gave you this answers to the questions sent to you to aviod joepodize this transaction and my office in the same bank.

Dear just copy the answers as i stated it to you and send it to them with the application fees charged, I summited your affidevite of surport as a back up to your claims from high court of justice which i paid the justice that stand for the oath $1.125 on your behalf but other legal documents is with me left by my late client before his death.

On your response to this mail and indication that you have sent the answers with the fees to the paying bank, dear by monday am going to send the three legal documents concerning this transaction such as DEPOSIT ,DEATH CERTIFICAT WITH THE POLICE REPORT.

Am wishing you best of luck and note that you should only contact me with this box only for security reasons and sefty of this transaction.

Best regards and below is the answers to the bank questions.

Barrister John.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

1. STATE THE NAME OF THE DECEASED ? Mr.Peter.Basil Anderson

2. STATE HIS/HER NATIONALITY ? Australian

3. STATE HIS/HER OCCUPATION/PROFESSION ?Consruction work.

4. STATE CLEARLY THE DATE THE DECEASED DIED AND WHAT LEAD TO HIS/HER DEATH ? Car acident and 21st of April 2001

5. HOW OLD WAS HE/HER WHEN HE/SHE DIED ? 58yrs

6. THE DECEASED LEFT WHAT IN OUR CUSTODY ? IF CASH STATE HOW MUCH AND WHERE IT WAS LEFT?Cash Dollars ,US$10.5 million, Capital Bank Nigeria Plc.

7. WAS THE DECEASED MARRIED ? IF YES STATE HIS/HER WIFES / HUSBANDS NAME AND HOW MANY CHILDREN HE/SHE HAD ?Yes, One Girl,Mr Peter Basil Anderson, Mrs,Minnie Anderson, Miss Barbara Anderson.

8. WAS THE DECEASED RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN OF FUNDS? IF YES STATE HIS/HER RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS.Yes , Close 10, House 15 Festac Town Lagos Island Lagos Nigeria.

9. WAS THE DECEASED A MEMBER OF ANY REGISTERED ORGANISATION IN NIGERIA?  Yes.

10. ANY OTHER VALID INFORMATION WILL BE HELPFUL IN YOUR APPROVAL OF YOUR CLAIM. He was a very humble man,

Have a wonderful weekend.

Thanks

Barr,John.

[Did you spot them? ]


Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

I'm grateful for your help, but by Sif the Golden, a couple of your answers have me wondering if you're playing with a full deck...

"9. WAS THE DECEASED A MEMBER OF ANY REGISTERED ORGANISATION IN NIGERIA? Yes."

Any chance of a little more info there?

"10. ANY OTHER VALID INFORMATION WILL BE HELPFUL IN YOUR APPROVAL OF YOUR CLAIM. He was a very humble man."

That is relevant - HOW?

Oh yeah, and I'm Ms Eliza Dane, not Mrs.

Regards,

Eliza Dane



[In the Lad dictionary, it seems, humility is the equivalent of generosity. I'm glad that he cleared that up promptly! ]

Barrister John Okafor

16 September 2006

Dear Ms

Thanks for your questions and am ready to answer it very well for you to understand.Was the deceased a menber of any registered orgnisaion in nigeria and the answer is yes but more,

He was a chairman of nigerian construction union till his death he was the man that

consructed the altra market at liki island.

Why i said that hhe was  humble man was when the market was completed ,he gave it to the local goverment of the island for free which everybody was so happy.

Dear thi is all i cn say, you can now send it to the bank will the fees so that by monday the paying bank will commence on way forward.

Thanks

Barr,John.



Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

Thanx for the detail on question nine, but for the other question, I had no idea why you'd mention about how humble the guy was.

I mean, why would the bank give a shit about that?

It's too late to think about this now (by Thor, I am so tired), I'll do it tomorrow.

Regards,

Eliza Dane



[For no clear reason, the Barrister goes into CAP LOCK.]

Barrister John Okafor

17 September 2006
FROM THE DESK OF BARR, JOHN OKAFOR,
DATE/ 17-09-2006,
PHONE/234-80-330-127-95.

ATTN, MS.Eliza Dane,
THANKS FOR YOUR UPDATES AND WELL UNDERSTOOD, BUT LISTEN ,I MENTIONED HUMBLE MAN BECAUSE HE MR P.B. ANDERSON SINGLE HANDED AND BUILT AN ULTRA MORDEN MARKET AND GAVE IT TO THE LOCAL GOVERMENT UNDER WE HE LIVED FREE OF CHARGE.
ALL I GAVE YOU CONCERNING MR P.B. ANDERSON WAS OK FOR THE BANK TO GRANT YOU FIT AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THIS FUND, NOTE THAT.YOU SHOULD NOT WORRY MUCH ABOUT IT AS THE ANSWERS WAS OK AND I BELIEVED THE BANK WILL BE SATISFIED WITH IT.
DEAR AM GOING TO SEND YOU THE LEGAL DOCUMENTS CONCERNING THIS TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY I COMES BACK FROM COURT BY TOMORROW ON YOUR RESPONSE TO THIS MAIL AND INDICATION OF PROCESSING FEE PAID. AM SO DELIGHTED OVER YOUR EFFORTS TOWARDS THIS TRANSACTION AND BE REST ASSURED THAT ALL IS WELL.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS,
BARRISTER JOHN OKAFOR.



[No way am I going to put in that line about "he was a very humble man".]

Eliza Dane

Mr Balogun,

Here are the answers to your questions:

1. STATE THE NAME OF THE DECEASED ? Mr.Peter.Basil Anderson

2. STATE HIS/HER NATIONALITY ? Australian

3. STATE HIS/HER OCCUPATION/PROFESSION ?Consruction work.

4. STATE CLEARLY THE DATE THE DECEASED DIED AND WHAT LEAD TO HIS/HER DEATH ? Car acident and 21st of April 2001

5. HOW OLD WAS HE/HER WHEN HE/SHE DIED ? 58yrs

6. THE DECEASED LEFT WHAT IN OUR CUSTODY ? IF CASH STATE HOW MUCH AND WHERE IT WAS LEFT?Cash Dollars ,US$10.5 million, Capital Bank Nigeria Plc.

7. WAS THE DECEASED MARRIED ? IF YES STATE HIS/HER WIFES / HUSBANDS NAME AND HOW MANY CHILDREN HE/SHE HAD ?Yes, One Girl,Mr Peter Basil Anderson, Mrs,Minnie Anderson, Miss Barbara Anderson.

8. WAS THE DECEASED RESIDING IN THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN OF FUNDS? IF YES STATE HIS/HER RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS.Yes , Close 10, House 15 Festac Town Lagos Island Lagos Nigeria.

9. WAS THE DECEASED A MEMBER OF ANY REGISTERED ORGANISATION IN NIGERIA?  Yes, He was a chairman of nigerian construction union.

10. ANY OTHER VALID INFORMATION WILL BE HELPFUL IN YOUR APPROVAL OF YOUR CLAIM. No

Please confirm receipt.

Regards,
Eliza Dane



Dr. Charles Balogun

18 September 2006

FROM THE DESK OF DR.CHARLES BALOGUN,
REMMITTANCE DEPT, OF CAPITAL BANK PLC,
DATE/18-09-2006.
ATTN, MS.ELIZA DANE,
WE HERE BY INFORMED YOU AGAIN THAT WE RECEIVED YOUR ANSWERS TO OUR QUESTIONS WHICH YOU GOT CORRECTLY AS IT WAS WRITEN IN HIS JACKET BOX LEFT IN OUR CUSTODY AND WE ALL APPRECIATED YOUR URGENT ANSWERS. BUT NOTE THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR APPLICATION/PROCESSING CHARGE BEFORE WE CAN COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY ON HOW THE TRANSMISSION WILL HOLD AND YOU ARE ADVISED TO PAY IT TODAY TO AVIOD MORE DELAY BECAUSE THE SHARE HOLDERS OF THIS BANK WILL HAVE A MEETING TOMOWWOR MORNING BASED ON YOUR CLAIMS AND HOW THE FINAL TRANFER WILL HOLD.
THANKS FOR YOUR ANSWERS AND STILL WAITING TODAY TO RECEIVE YOUR FEES IMMEDIATELY FOR UNWARD TRANSFER.
HAVE A NICE DAY,
DR.BALOGUN.



Eliza Dane

Dr Balogun,

Would you do me a favour, please, and stop using CAPITAL LETTERS? It's sorta like you're shouting at me...

I don't know why you're obsessing about time; anyway, you'd better send me an invoice for the money and I'll send it ASAP.

Regards,

Eliza Dane



Dr. Charles Balogun

18 September 2006

Dear Ms.Eliza Dane Thanks very much for your mail of this afternoon but i want to understand what you meant by invoice ,are you buying goods from this bank that you required invoice ?please note that we can not do anything till you pay your application/processing fee.
Just go to any western union office around you and send the fee with the informations given to you before the commecement of the transfer.We appreciate your urgent response to our mail,it help us much to over come some left jobs in our custody so we are happy for it.
Please you have to bear with us ,
Best Wishes,
Dr.Balogun.



Eliza Dane

Mr Balogun,

An INVOICE is a document stating what is owed for a service and why. It has nothing to do with buying goods.

Please send me a formal invoice right away, listing what is being charged for what service.

And I don't have to bear with you. I'm the client, you bear with me!

Eliza Dane



Dr. Charles Balogun

18 September 2006

Good Morning Ms.Eliza Dane, We can now understood what you meant by invioce, sorry for the yesterday question , but we are too busy this morning becuase of field work we have today so we are going to send it immediately we comes back. We are very happy but you should bear with us for the delay and be rest assured that you will get the invioce immediately to help you pay for your fee to procced. Have a nice day, Dr.Balogun.



[The Lad attaches a drab monochrome certificate with the relevant details inserted in a clearly different font.]


Barrister John Okafor

18 September 2006

Dear, I have attached the deposit certificate of this fund but am so sorry for the rest because my scanner just got fuilty but be rest assured that by tomorrow i will send the rest . Please i want to know if you have settle with the bank based on processing fees which keeps this transaction waiting,dear am looking forward to hear from you . Best regards, Barrister Okafor.



DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE :



[And now Eliza's surname goes wrong...
He attaches the invoice in PDF format. Oddly enough, though it's headed "Cash Invoice", it reads just like a receipt. This is the point where things became out of the ordinary.]


Dr. Charles Balogun

19 September 2006

Attn,Ms E.Dana, We are now back from feild work and after summited your request of invioce ,we have reached the aggreement that the invioce will be send to you but note that we can not start processing it till your fees is paid. We are sorry for the inconvinencies it might cause you but we are sorry Ms.E.Dana. We have reassured you that Mr P.B. Anderson was very kind and humble to this bank till his death ,this was the reason we are giving you all the full suport for your claims but note that time is runing out of hands so you have to haste up to bite up the mandetory date stated down by the bank. You should now go ahead and make the payment so that we can start the processing and re-activating this account before tranfer it into your given account. Thanks and best of luck. Dr.Balogun.



CAPITAL BANK INVOICE



[Invoice? I see no invoice... BTW, September 19 is really "International Talk Like A Pirate Day", for all ye landlubbers out there... ]


Eliza Dane

Dr Balogun,

Two things.

One - what do you mean by "time is runing out of hands so you have to haste up to bite up the mandetory date stated down by the bank"?

Is that English? Or were you trying to live up to International Talk Like A Pirate Day?

Two - your heading read "Capital Bank Invoice", but there was nothing there. Where the Hel is it?

Regards,

Eliza Dane



[And a quick slap to the lawyer is merited. ]


Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

Get your scanner fixed! Holy Odin, that copy is just so bad!

The bank just wrote to me - I think. There was some very confusing stuff in there. More to the point, I guess, is that they were going to send me the invoice, and didn't. I've told them about that.

Regards,

Eliza Dane



[Lad excuses are always fun to read, but being asked to return the invoice when I told him I never received it is a side-splitter.  What's even funnier is that he wants it back to start with - just what does he think it is; snail-mail? ]


Dr. Charles Balogun

20 September 2006

ATTN, MS.E.DANA

WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU BUT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ,NOTE THAT THE INVIOCE I SENT TO YOU YESTERDAY WAS AGANIST THE RULES OF THE BANK BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT MAKE THE PAYMENT OF THE PROCESSING AND RE-ACTIVATING OF THIS DOMANT ACCOUNT BUT I TOOK THAT RISK TO

MAKE SURE THAT YOU GOT THOSE FOMALITIES SO EASY.

NOTE THAT AM WORKING UNDER THE SHARE HOLDERS OF THIS BANK AND I WILL NOT LIKE TO IMPLICATE MY SELF BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP YOU OUT TO GET WHAT IS YOUR RIGHT.DEAR IF YOU ARE NOT READY FOR THE PAYMENT OF PROCESSING AND RE-ACTIVATING ,KINDLY RESEND BANK THE INVIOCE TO THIS BANK BECAUSE I CAN NOT GIVE FAKE INFORMATION ON THAT COPY OF INVIOCE SENT TO YOU.

THE OFFICIAL INVIOCE I SENT MUST BE RECORDED ACCORDING TO THE PAYMENT RECIEVE IN THIS BANK BUT I SENT IT UPON NONE PAYMENT FROM YOU ONLY FOR YOU TO BE SATISFIED OVER WHAT YOU PAY FOR.EVERY INDICATION WAS THERE FOR THE PUPOSE OF YOUR PAYMENT.

PLEASE I DONT WANT TO PUT MYSELF IN PROBLEMS ,SO IF YOU ARE NOT YET READY FOR THE PAYMENT,YOU BETTER RESEND THE INVIOCE BACK TO THIS BANK IMMEDIATELY ,PLEASE AM BEGGING YOU FOR THAT MERCY.

I WILL ADIVSE YOU TO MAKE THE PAYMENT TODAY SO THAT ALL THE SHARE HOLDERS OF THIS BANK IS NOW AROUND WAITING FOR THE TENDER APPLICATION AND RE-ACTIVATING THIS DOMANT ACCOUNT, THIS WAS THE REASON I SAID YOU SHOULD HASTE UP.

BEST WISHES,

DR.C.BALOGUN.


[Eliza's foul mouth finally manifests...]


Eliza Dane

Dr Balogun,

What the fuck is all that about?

Look, an invoice can't be against the rules like you said - I don't know how it could happen, but it looks like you confused an invoice with a receipt! And I can't send the fucking thing back, whatever the fuck it was, because you forgot to attach it to your email.

Eliza Dane



[Whatever happens... the money come first!
Oh, and he thinks we're fighting? We've only just started!]



Dr. Charles Balogun

20 September 2006

ATTN,

PLEASE WE ARE NOT FIGHTING OR ANYTHING BUT TO TRANSFER YOUR INHERITANCE TO YOUR COUNTRY STATED.

WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR THE FEES AND NOTE THAT NOTHING WILL BE DONE WITHOUT THE FEES.

THANKS,

DR.BALOGUN.


Eliza Dane

Dr Balogun,

Will you please STOP SHOUTING and LISTEN?

With regard to the fees NOTHING will be done WITHOUT THE INVOICE!

Is that clear enough?

Eliza Dane



[John Okafor reaches for the soft soap to bring things under control.]


Barrister John Okafor

21 September 2006

Dear Eliza Dane,

How are you today? hope all is well.I was called this morning from the bank and i was very sad over the agurment between you and the bank over the invioce, dear listen you dont have to countuine about the invioce what you will do is to task them to transfer your inheritance to your account.

Please have you sent the application and re-activating of the domant account? this is what you will do so that they will commence of the job immediately.

I will send the rest documents by tomorrow immediately my scanner is ok so dear try to bear with me. Am looking forward to hear a good news that you have settle the paying bank.

Thanks,

Barrister Okafor



Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

What argument? That doofus Balogun tried to send me the invoice but forgot to attach the fucking thing. Then he wrote to me asking for me to send it back!

I'd told him he'd forgotten to attach the invoice, but he was talking as though he'd sent me the only physical copy by snail mail! Has he totally lost it, or are those five-whisky lunches starting to bite?

I've told him - as I'm telling you now - if there's no invoice, there's no payment, and that's final.

BTW - stop calling me dear - don't PATRONISE me!

Eliza Dane



[When a Lad speaks of being too intimate with a Dead Bank Customer... ]


Dr. Charles Balogun

23 September 2006

Attn,Ms.Dana,

I can understand that you dont want to understand me but now the only official invioce we have was what i sent to you with risk for sake of too intimate i was with Mr.P.B.Anderson before his death.

Please for your informations as follows,

1,If you are not yet ready to pay for your fees, please kindly step aside .

2,Are you sure that you are related to Mr.P.B.Anderson ?if your answer is yes,please we need legal documents concerning this fund such as DEPOSIT AND DEATH CERTIFICATE with the POLICE REPORT.

3,For your information,The directors and share holders of this bank expected your fee today but Barrister John Okafor your uncles personal adivser represented you and told us that you are a busy lady that you will make the payment by tomorrow which the share holders and directors of the bank agreed but you are still complaining about the invioce which i have already sent to you.

Please note that i have tried my possible best based on your uncles intimacy so what ever you hear from the bank concerning this claims can not be alter any longer.

Best of luck,

Dr.Balogun.


[... Run with it. ]


Eliza Dane

Mr Balogun,

Holy Odin, you understand NOTHING if you take that attitude with me!

And I don't give a hairy rat's arse if you were THAT close to Pete Anderson - I mean, this is the 21st Century, who gets worked up over gay things anymore?

You are the stone end, you know? YOU NEVER SENT ME THE FUCKING INVOICE! I've told you that TWICE now AND YOU DON'T FUCKING WELL LISTEN!

Look, just because I am 23 and a model, you pretty obviously have it in your head that I'm some bimbo who can be cowed by your stupid bluster. It ain't so, by Thor! You keep pushing for rapid resolution of this matter, when there's no need for a time limit!

You know what's required, SEND ME THE INVOICE and we are DONE!

Eliza Dane



[Now John Okafor can't get Eliza's name right either.
He also tries a bit of divide and rule. ]


Barrister John Okafor

23 September 2006

Ms.Dana,

Please i cant understand what is happening between you and the bank, they call me in presence of all the directors and share holders of this bank concerning you but i let them to understand that i knew you very well and also that you are a busy woman.

Please i want to assured that now the bank is suspecting our moves, please kindly send the application fee to them and if you dont have the complate amount, just tell me how much you can afford by tomorrow so that i can run around and complate it for them to aviod more suspission on our side for God's sake.

I dont want to look stupid in their presence becuase i knew that what ever informations i send to them is what the bank will take becuase of too close i was with the bank and my late client.

You should once again know that if the paying bank countuine like this, i dont think we can achive our target but it will be a big blow to me if we lose this fund out of carelessness in us but you should forget about the invioce so that we can progress than going back.

I will attach the documents by tomorrow as i promissed you early but note that this documents is the final requirements from the bank .

Am looking ahead to hear from you.

Thanks,

Barr,Okafor.


[Blessed are the peacemakers - well, no.
As a devout Odinist, Eliza doesn't show mercy. ]


Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

Have you got whipped cream for a backbone? You are supposed to be working on my behalf, not kissing the bank's arse!

This is a fucking farce -we have Dr Balogun who's boasting about his affair with Peter Anderson; like I give a shit if either of them was gay, and apparently so thick that the words "You never sent me the invoice" don't register.

Talk some sense into him, willya?

Eliza Dane 


Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

Where are those documents?

Eliza Dane



[John Okafor continues in recovery mode.]

Barrister John Okafor

25 September 2006

Dear Ms.Dana,

Please i dont want to put myself in problems because of this fund or lost my certificate as a lawyer, note i was called based on your words to the bank if you are the real beneficiary of this fund.Dr balogun was complaining about the invioce he sent to you which he did not suposed to do but still you refused to pay what he issued you the invioce.

Dear nfor your informations,i dont think i can send any legal documents till the fees is paid to the bank.I asked you in my last mail if you dont have the money complete so that i can assist you to foot the bails and you countine talking of invioce.

Please if you not ready to comply or pay the fees i dont think i will send any documents to you or you better withdrew from this transaction.I can still comfused the bank to give me more chance for this money.

Dear you have to understand me.

Best of luck,

Barr,Okafor


[Eliza persists...]

Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

I'll tell you again, though I shouldn't have to; that Balogun prick NEVER SENT ME THE FUCKING INVOICE!

And you, and he, are talking about this invoice like my asking for it was some huge social gaffe or some such crap. What is it with you guys?

I have the money, I'm ready to send it, but I want the invoice before I send it. There is nothing wrong or unusual in that.

You have to understand me, OK?

Eliza Dane


[Is he really trying to break off the business? Or just trying to frighten Eliza into doing what he said?]


Barrister John Okafor

25 September 2006

Hellow Ms.Dana,

I told you time without numbered that if you are not ready to pay for the fees you better stop contacting me please so that i will look for another foreign assistance.What are you going to do with the invioce? they showed me the official bank invioce which he sent without your payment, what a risk from the bank,do you want dr balogun to be sacked? he did that for the sake of his intimecy he had with ADNERSON, So be very very careful.    

You are trying to cost me my certificate and now the bank is calling me all sort of names, so please for Gods sake you should not contact the bank and me to aviod putting somebody in a tight corner.The bank is now telling me that i conspaired with you to claim this fund which you are not thr real relative of our late client.

Please once again, you should now face your model job and forget this transaction .

Thanks for your efforts and God bless.

Barr,Okafor


[Well, it was his idea...

This slap should end it - these Lads are tiresome!]



Eliza Dane

Mr Okafor,

I NEVER GOT THE FUCKING INVOICE!!! I'VE TOLD YOU THREE TIMES NOW, I DIDN'T GET IT! WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU LISTEN???

Balogun should get the fucking sack as far as I'm concerned, and the whole fucking bank should follow him. Of course the fucking invoice would have been sent without payment, THAT'S WHAT A FUCKING INVOICE IS FOR! You send receipts after payment, invoices before, WHEN WILL YOU GET THAT INTO YOUR STUPID FUCKING HEAD?

I don't care that Balogun was Anderson's bum-boy, it's nothing to me. What's to be careful about?

I'd like to tell you to tell them to go fuck themselves, but you're too busy kissing ass and sucking cock to stand up to them. So just fuck off and leave me alone.

This deal has gone all wrong, and I don't want to get mixed with your gay-boy cabal.

Eliza Dane



[And after that... nothing. It would have been a surprise otherwise...]

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