HI HO SILVER, IT'S THE LOAN ARRANGER!


An Eliza Dane adventure!

When a scam email from a purported church offered a sizeable loan... who else would take up the offer but staunch Odin-worshipper Eliza Dane?

The Scammers.
[Names in boldface are inactive characters]
Rev. Richard Collins, "THE PUBLISHER OF THE CHURCH OF CHRIST IN ENGLAND"
Bishop Manuel, of the CHURCH OF CHRIST IN ENGLAND
Paul Smith of LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH); rather innumerate for a guy who's supposed to be a bank official
Elizabeth Roy, Paul Smith's Western Union identity

The Baiter
Eliza Dane, a Sydney-based photomodel and Odin-worshipper with a very short temper and a really foul mouth. [She bears an uncanny resemblance to Sophie Monk.]
AJ, Eliza's photographer boyfriend
Odin, Freyja, and Frigga, deities of the Norse Pantheon, often invoked by Eliza
Leila Anne Ferguson, most likely another maga that the Lad got mixed up with Eliza

Western Union has a role to play - like we're surprised by that.

And since this is an Eliza Dane bait - expect profanity - lots of it.

And here's the come-on email, with all formatting unchanged.


Rev. Richard Collins
Church Of Christ In England
St Johns Lane Bedminster
Bristol, England
BS3 5AY England, UK

DEAR SIR/MA,
I'M REV. RICHARD COLLINS THE PUBLISHER OF THE CHURCH OF CHRIST IN ENGLAND.
WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE THE CALLING FROM THE LORD TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE IN NEED AND IN FINANCIAL PROBLEM,BY GIVEN OUT LOAN TO ANY,INDIVIDUAL,COMPANYS AND SOCIETY THAT NEED MONEY TO DO BUSINESS. THE AMOUNT OF THE LOAN HAS BEEN SIGNED AND APPROVED BY THE CHURCH COMMITTEE THE SUM OF ?100,000.00 WHICH YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO LOAN ?50,000.00 TO ?1,000.00.YOU ARE TO RETURN THE LOAN WHICH IS GRANTED TO YOU IN 4 YEARS AGREEMENT.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED KINDLY CONTACT BISHOP MANUEL WITH THE INFORMATION BELOW.
NAME : BISHOP MANUEL
Email : bishop_manuel07@yahoo.co.uk mailto:< href="javascript:open_compose_win ('to=bishop_manuel07@yahoo.co.uk')">bishop_manuel07@yahoo.co.uk>
FAX NO: +448709742091

[This is new to me. Eliza - please answer this Mugu.]

Eliza Dane
Dear Reverend Collins,
I'm surprised to receive this as while my boyfriend and I have issues with funding his studio project, we discussed it with nobody - as far as I know!
Please tell me more about this program.
Regards,
Eliza Dane

[New Lad, lots of questions - on the face of it, reasonable - but beneath all the padding is the old demand for ID.
One question - since when has a simple list of questions ever been called a "form" outside the Muguverse? ]

Bishop Manuel
CHURCH OF CHRIST IN ENGLAND
St Johns Lane Bedminster
Bristol, EnglandBS3 5AY
Telephone Number:+447-024-029-977
Fax No:+44870 479 4278

Gooday to you ,
I am in receipt of your mail.
Your inquiry have been noticed,you are required to follow up with the terms and conditions before you can get loan from our church with no interest as long as you are ready and you will pay in good faith and at the stipulated time.
*The minimum loan we lend is $10,000.00
* You will have to pay back in 4 years or less.(not more than)
* Re payment of loan starts 1 years after loan is transfered.(Loan Approved).
To start your loan ,you have to fill the form and send back.
1) First Name:
2) Middle Name:
3) LAST NAME:
4) Gender:
5) Age:
6) Marrital Status:
7) Religion:
8) Occupation:
9) NATIONALITY:
10) Zip Code:
11) Address:
12) Mobile phone No
13) House Phone No:
14) Fax No:
15) Loan Amount Needed:
16) Use of loan:
NOTE: You are to attach either your driving licence or passport for identification.
May The Peace Of Thy Lord By With You And Your Family.
Yours Faithfully,
Bishop Manuel.
Eliza Dane

[A few simple answers later...]

Bishop Manuel,
Thanks for your time. My answers follow. I have some issues that I'll address there.
1) First Name: Elizabeth
2) Middle Name: Danielle
3) LAST NAME: Dane
4) Gender: Female
5) Age: 23
6) Marrital Status: Single (I'm sure that this is irrelevant - marital status shouldn't be an issue)
7) Religion: Odinist
8) Occupation: Photomodel
9) NATIONALITY: Australian
10) Zip Code: What's this?
11) Address: 35 Westmoreland Grove, Glebe, Sydney, Australia
12) Mobile phone No: None at present
13) House Phone No: (03) 9347-8666
14) Fax No: N/A
15) Loan Amount Needed: $25,000 - $40,000
16) Use of loan: Establishing a photographic studio
I don't have a driving licence and DFAT rules prevent me from making copies of my passport.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Bishop Manuel

[I do think this Lad has mixed up his scams.]

CHURCH OF CHRIST IN ENGLAND
St Johns Lane Bedminster
Bristol, EnglandBS3 5AY
Telephone Number:+447-024-029-977
Fax No:+44870 479 4278

Dear Leila Anne Fergueson,
Thanks for your swift response.We want to use this medium to inform and congratulate you that your loan has been approved and granted,we have insured the loan with Nicon insurance company for security reason and also deposit the loan with LLOYDS TSB BANK here in UNITED KINGDOM.The church has paid for the insurance charges. We have also already forwarded your details to the bank to make a possible transfer of your loan to you.The loan approved by the church commitee has been deposited to the assigned Lloyds TSB Bank,you will be responsible for the cost of transfer,which you will find below the contact details of the bank. You are to contact the bank immediately for fast response and as soon as they get back to you, do keep me updated so that i could give you advice on all necessary steps that you are to take should anything else arise.
BANK NAME: LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
ADDRESS: 75 Commercial Street, Batley West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London, United Kingdom.
CONTACT PERSON: Mr.Paul Smith.
EMAIL: tsbservice_bank@yahoo.co.uk
TEL: (+44) 701 702 6776
FAX: (+44) 871 715 9650
Note: That you are to keep me updated once the loan has been transfered to you and remember to pay back in good faith as you have promised and all shall be well (Amen).
Have A Wonderful Day and Remain Blessed
Bishop Manuel.
Eliza Dane
Bishop Manuel,
This has been sent to the wrong person!
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Bishop Manuel

[Without so much a blink, the Bishop sends a strangely similar message...]

CHURCH OF CHRIST IN ENGLAND
St Johns Lane Bedminster
Bristol, EnglandBS3 5AY
Telephone Number:+447-024-029-977
Fax No:+44870 479 4278

Attention: Elizabeth Danielle Dane,
Thanks for your swift response.
We want to use this medium to inform and congratulate you that your loan has been approved and granted,we have insured the loan with Nicon insurance company for security reason and also deposit the loan with LLOYDS TSB BANK here in UNITED KINGDOM.The church has paid for the insurance charges. We have also already forwarded your details to the bank to make a possible transfer of your loan to you.The loan approved by the church commitee has been deposited to the assigned Lloyds TSB Bank,you will be responsible for the cost of transfer [Well, that's telegraphing your moves, isn't it?],which you will find below the contact details of the bank.
You are to contact the bank immediately for fast response and as soon as they get back to you, do keep me updated so that i could give you advice on all necessary steps that you are to take should anything else arise.
BANK NAME: LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
ADDRESS: 75 Commercial Street, Batley West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London, United Kingdom.
CONTACT PERSON: Mr.Paul Smith.
EMAIL: tsbservice_bank@yahoo.co.uk
TEL: (+44) 701 702 6776
FAX: (+44) 871 715 9650
Note: That you are to keep me updated once the loan has been transfered to you and remember to pay back in good faith as you have promised and all shall be well (Amen).
Have A Wonderful Day and Remain Blessed
Regards
Bishop Manuel.
Eliza Dane
Bishop Manuel,
Why did you insure the loan?
I don't understand why that was done. Please explain.
Eliza Dane
Bishop Manuel
Hello Eliza Dane,
Top of the day to you, with regards to your mail sent to us, asking why the Loan was insured, the Loan was insured only for security reasons. That is to say, no amount can be deducted from your Loan amount.
Have A Wonderful Day and Remain Blessed
Regards
Bishop Manuel

["Top of the day to you" - I haven't seen that for a while!]

Eliza Dane
Bishop Manuel,
You didn't answer my question.
I'd have thought that the question of security, insurance, or whatever, would be the bank's, not yours. I'll ask them about it.
That last bit has me puzzled as I don't see what it has to do with anything.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Attn: Mr Paul Smith
Dear Sir,
Bishop Manuel of the Church of Christ in England told me to contact you about a loan. What do you know about it?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[So, the bank Lad enters the fray... and immediately blunders with a reference to a Lottery; there's also a maths error, but that can be left for now.]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley, West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London, United Kingdom.
Phone: +44-702-403 8064
Attention:Client,
This is to inform you that you that we have some amount money been deposited in our bank by UK NATIONAL LOTTERY ORGANISATION which was won by you,your funds has been verified and has been forwarded to our bank for the transfer of your funds.
Lloyds Tsb Bank has been assigned to effect the safe transfer of your funds into your bank account in your country, which you are to provide your bank account information for transfer.
The options stated below are the methods of transfer employed in this regards to which entails the transfer of your funds into your bank account.
You are required to choose an option that best suits your taste and which you will be able to afford.
The options, together with their associated conditions are stated below:
12 Hours Transfer.
Wire.....................................$750.00
Vat (5%)................................$300.00
TOTAL...................................$1050.00
24 Hours Transfer.
Wire.....................................$700.00
Vat (5%)................................$250.00
TOTAL...................................$950.00
48 Hours Transfer.
Wire.......................................$650.00
Vat (5%)..................................$200.00
TOTAL.....................................$850.00
72 Hours Transfer.
Wire.........................................$550.00
Vat (5%)...................................$150.00
TOTAL.....................................$750.00
NOTE: YOUR FUNDS HAS BEEN INSURED AND COVERED WITH INSURANCE POLICY WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY ONE OF US TO DEDUCT ANY AMOUNT FROM IT UNTIL IT HAS BEEN FULLY TRANSFERED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS:
(1.)Your chosen option above bank transfer cost. (C.O.T).
(2.)Your bank details which is stated below..
1 Bank Name :
2. Bank Address :
3. Account Beneficiary :
4. Account Number :
5. Swift Code :
6. Rounting Number :
After you have been after to make the payment for the cost of transfer, your funds shall be immediately transfered into your bank account.
Further instructions will be given to you on how to send the payment.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
There's been some mistake (how, Odin only knows) - I don't know anything about a lottery.
My question was about a loan arranged for me by Bishop Manuel of the Church of Christ in England.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith
leilafergueson@hotmail.com [input] [input] [input] [input] #message { overflow:auto; visibility:hidden }
[Leila Ferguson keeps hanging around...]
LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley, West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London, United Kingdom.
Phone: +44-702-403 8064
Attention:Client,
This is to inform you that you that we have some amount money been deposited in our bank by UK NATIONAL LOTTERY ORGANISATION which was won by you,your funds has been verified and has been forwarded to our bank for the transfer of your funds.
Lloyds Tsb Bank has been assigned to effect the safe transfer of your funds into your bank account in your country, which you are to provide your bank account information for transfer.
The options stated below are the methods of transfer employed in this regards to which entails the transfer of your funds into your bank account.
You are required to choose an option that best suits your taste and which you will be able to afford.
The options, together with their associated conditions are stated below:
12 Hours Transfer.
Wire.....................................$750.00
Vat (5%)................................$300.00
TOTAL...................................$1050.00
24 Hours Transfer.
Wire.....................................$700.00
Vat (5%)................................$250.00
TOTAL...................................$950.00
48 Hours Transfer.
Wire.......................................$650.00
Vat (5%)..................................$200.00
TOTAL.....................................$850.00
72 Hours Transfer.
Wire.........................................$550.00
Vat (5%)...................................$150.00
TOTAL.....................................$750.00
NOTE: YOUR FUNDS HAS BEEN INSURED AND COVERED WITH INSURANCE POLICY WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY ONE OF US TO DEDUCT ANY AMOUNT FROM IT UNTIL IT HAS BEEN FULLY TRANSFERED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS:
(1.)Your chosen option above bank transfer cost. (C.O.T).
(2.)Your bank details which is stated below..
1 Bank Name :
2. Bank Address :
3. Account Beneficiary :
4. Account Number :
5. Swift Code :
6. Rounting Number :
After you have been after to make the payment for the cost of transfer, your funds shall be immediately transfered into your bank account.
Further instructions will be given to you on how to send the payment.
Regards Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
I'll tell you - AGAIN - that I am NOT asking about a lottery win! I am asking about a LOAN! Check my last email and do what I said!
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith
ATTN: Client,
Top of the day to you. i want you to know that you are to pick from the option that was sent to you because you are to pay for the fee of your transfer and your Loan will be transfer to your bank as fast as you can come up with the money of the transfer fee.
Thanks for your understanding.
Mr Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
I prefer it when you're formal about it.
If you can send me another of the messages you sent before, but referring to my loan rather that lottery winnings, it would be good.
Could you also please explain about the insurance? This is new to me!
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith
Dear Client,
Compliment of the day to you, i want you understand that your loan as been insurances.
You are to pay for the insurance because this will help safe guide your loan which are been transferee to your destination.if anything should happy to your loan while on the act on transfer the bank will be held responsible why because the loan company as already paid for the insurance of the loan. and that is to say that know one can withdrew from the loan on till the loan is transfer to your account there in your country.
Advices you do what is write for you to do out this moment soon the cost of transfer should be send to you.
Thanks for your understanding.
Regard,

[Since it was gibberish, and unsigned, I may as well be flippant about it.]

Eliza Dane
Dear Lloyds person,
Is there any chance you could write this so I can understand what the Hel you're talking about? It makes no sense to me!
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[Strangely familiar... oh yeah, he's replaced LOTTERY with LOAN, just as I told him to.
No correction of the bad maths though!]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley, West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London, United Kingdom.
Phone: +44-702-403 8064
Attention:Client,
This is to inform you that you that we have some amount money been deposited in our bank by THE LOAN ORGANISATION your funds has been verified and has been forwarded to our bank for the transfer of your funds.
Lloyds Tsb Bank has been assigned to effect the safe transfer of your funds into your bank ccount in your country, which you are to provide your bank account information for transfer.
The options stated below are the methods of transfer employed in this regards to which entails the transfer of your funds into your bank account.
You are required to choose an option that best suits your taste and which you will be able to afford.The options, together with their associated conditions are stated below:
12 Hours Transfer.
Wire.....................................$750.00
Vat (5%)................................$300.00
TOTAL...................................$1050.00
24 Hours Transfer.
Wire.....................................$700.00
Vat (5%)................................$250.00
TOTAL...................................$950.00
48 Hours Transfer.
Wire.......................................$650.00
Vat (5%)..................................$200.00
TOTAL.....................................$850.00
72 Hours Transfer.
Wire.........................................$550.00
Vat (5%)...................................$150.00
TOTAL.....................................$750.00
NOTE: YOUR FUNDS HAS BEEN INSURED AND COVERED WITH INSURANCE POLICY WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY ONE OF US TO DEDUCT ANY AMOUNT FROM IT UNTIL IT HAS BEEN FULLY TRANSFERED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS:
(1.)Your chosen option above bank transfer cost. (C.O.T).
(2.)Your bank details which is stated below..
1 Bank Name :
2. Bank Address :
3. Account Beneficiary :
4. Account Number :
5. Swift Code :
6. Rounting Number :
After you have been after to make the payment for the cost of transfer, your funds shall be immediately transfered into your bank account.
Further instructions will be given to you on how to send the payment.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane

[At the risk of educating a Lad...]

Mr Smith,
Not meaning to query your maths or anything, but since when does 5% of $550 add up to $150? By my reckoning it should be an extra $27.50.
Actually all your sums are wrong. Exactly how did you get that job again?
Get back to me with the right numbers and I'll choose.
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[No luck with that - perhaps I should have put it all in CAPS.]

ATTN:Eliza Dane,
I want you undertsnad that you we have to pay for the fee of your transfer. And the options as alread be sent to you befor now i want you pick an option and get back to me on how you can make the payment to us for the transferring of your loan to your bank account.
Thanks for your understanding.
Regard,
Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
I told you that I want those figures corrected as they're clearly wrong. I'm doing nothing until you clear that up.
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[Same text as before... but now the numbers have gone totally haywire; the VATs have blown out and the additions make no sense.]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley, West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London, United Kingdom.
Phone: +44-702-403 8064
Attention:Client,
This is to inform you that you that we have some amount money been deposited in our bank by Church Of Christ in England,your Loan has been verified and has been forwarded to our bank for the transfer of your loan.
Lloyds Tsb Bank has been assigned to effect the safe transfer of your loan into your bank account in your country, which you are to provide your bank account information for transfer.
The options stated below are the methods of transfer employed in this regards to which entails the transfer of your loan into your bank account.
You are required to choose an option that best suits your taste and which you will be able to afford.The options, together with their associated conditions are stated below:
12 Hours Transfer.
Wire.....................................$750.00
Vat (5%)................................$300.00
TOTAL...................................$1050.00
24 Hours Transfer.
Wire.....................................$700.00
Vat (5%)................................$850.00
TOTAL...................................$950.00
48 Hours Transfer.
Wire.......................................$650.00
Vat (5%)..................................$750.00
TOTAL.....................................$850.00
72 Hours Transfer.
Wire.........................................$550.00
Vat (5%)...................................$650.00
TOTAL.....................................$750.00
NOTE: YOUR LOAN HAS BEEN INSURED AND COVERED WITH INSURANCE POLICY WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY ONE OF US TO DEDUCT ANY AMOUNT FROM IT UNTIL IT HAS BEEN FULLY TRANSFERED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS:
(1.)Your chosen option above bank transfer cost. (C.O.T).
(2.)Your bank details which is stated below..
1 Bank Name :
2. Bank Address :
3. Account Beneficiary :
4. Account Number :
5. Swift Code :
6. Rounting Number :
After you have been after to make the payment for the cost of transfer, your loan shall be immediately transfered into your bank account.
Further instructions will be given to you on how to send the payment.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
What the Hel is going on? Holy Odin, those numbers are just fucked! How can 5% of $700 be more than $700?
Unless you can be serious about it, this is going nowhere fast!
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[Same as the last one... this Lad is getting tedious!]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley, West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London, United Kingdom.
Phone: +44-702-403 8064
Attention:Client,
This is to inform you that you that we have some amount money been deposited in our bank by Church Of Christ in England,your Loan has been verified and has been forwarded to our bank for the transfer of your loan.
Lloyds Tsb Bank has been assigned to effect the safe transfer of your loan into your bank account in your country, which you are to provide your bank account information for transfer.
The options stated below are the methods of transfer employed in this regards to which entails the transfer of your loan into your bank account.
You are required to choose an option that best suits your taste and which you will be able to afford.The options, together with their associated conditions are stated below:
12 Hours Transfer.
Wire...............................$750.00
Vat ................................$300.00
TOTAL............................$1050.00
24 Hours Transfer.
Wire..............................$700.00
Vat ...............................$850.00
TOTAL...........................$950.00
48 Hours Transfer.
Wire................................$650.00
Vat .................................$750.00
TOTAL.............................$850.00
72 Hours Transfer.
Wire..............................$550.00
Vat ...............................$650.00
TOTAL...........................$750.00
NOTE: YOUR LOAN HAS BEEN INSURED AND COVERED WITH INSURANCE POLICY WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY ONE OF US TO DEDUCT ANY AMOUNT FROM IT UNTIL IT HAS BEEN FULLY TRANSFERED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS:
(1.)Your chosen option above bank transfer cost. (C.O.T).
(2.)Your bank details which is stated below..
1 Bank Name :
2. Bank Address :
3. Account Beneficiary :
4. Account Number :
5. Swift Code :
6. Rounting Number :
After you have been after to make the payment for the cost of transfer, your loan shall be immediately transfered into your bank account.
Further instructions will be given to you on how to send the payment.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
While you keep sending me numbers that don't make a lick of sense, I ain't choosing any of your your options.
For the love of Freyja, get someone on to this who can actually do arithmetic!
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[Well, some progress - the numbers add up at last. The VAT issue hasn't been rectified though.]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley, West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London, United Kingdom.
Phone: +44-702-403 8064
Attention:Eliza Dane,
This is to inform you that you that we have some amount money been deposited in our bank by Church Of Christ in England,your Loan has been verified and has been forwarded to our bank for the transfer of your loan.
Lloyds Tsb Bank has been assigned to effect the safe transfer of your loan into your bank account in your country, which you are to provide your bank account information for transfer.
The options stated below are the methods of transfer employed in this regards to which entails the transfer of your loan into your bank account.
You are required to choose an option that best suits your taste and which you will be able to afford.The options, together with their associated conditions are stated below:
12 Hours Transfer.
Wire...............................$700.00
Vat ................................$850.00
TOTAL............................$1550.00
24 Hours Transfer.
Wire..............................$650.00
Vat ...............................$750.00
TOTAL...........................$1400.00
48 Hours Transfer.
Wire................................$550.00
Vat .................................$650.00
TOTAL.............................$1200.00
72 Hours Transfer.
Wire..............................$750.00
Vat ...............................$300.00
TOTAL...........................$1050.00
NOTE: YOUR LOAN HAS BEEN INSURED AND COVERED WITH INSURANCE POLICY WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY ONE OF US TO DEDUCT ANY AMOUNT FROM IT UNTIL IT HAS BEEN FULLY TRANSFERED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS:
(1.)Your chosen option above bank transfer cost. (C.O.T).
(2.)Your bank details which is stated below..
1 Bank Name :
2. Bank Address :
3. Account Beneficiary :
4. Account Number :
5. Swift Code :
6. Rounting Number :
After you have been after to make the payment for the cost of transfer, your loan shall be immediately transfered into your bank account.
Further instructions will be given to you on how to send the payment.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
At least the numbers add up! But I'm still puzzled by that 5% VAT. Why does it vary so much and how can it be more than the original fee?
1 Bank Name : National Australia Bank
2. Bank Address : 134 Liverpool Street, Sydney, NSW 2000
3. Account Beneficiary : Ms Elizabeth D. Dane
4. Account Number : G641 937 424
5. Swift Code : NAT AAU 3303S
6. Rounting Number : I don't know what this is.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[Western Union at last... and a strange choice of phrase...]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley,
West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London,
United Kingdom.
Attention:Eliza Dane,
You are to make this payment via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER in the name of our account officer with the following information:
Name: Mrs Elizabeth Roy
Address:75 Commercial Street, Batley, West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ,London,United Kingdom.
Payable in LONDON UK.after which a payment receipt will be forwarded to you.You are to forward payment details to this office via email which must include the following.
NAME OF SENDER:.........................
ADDRESS OF SENDER:....................
AMOUNT:......................................
MONEY TRANSFER CONTROL NUMBER.(M.T.C.N):
TEST QUESTION(IF ANY)................
You are to send a copy of the evidence of payment to us via email as well for confirmation.
A receipt of the above payment will be issued to you from our office.This will be used as a benchmark for future pay negotiations.
It will take twenty four hours to get the Loan Transfered into your account.You are required to conclude all proceeds today as i will be on desk to administer your cost while proper invoicing and administration will be done on your behalf.Have a nice day.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
Western Union? Are you in that much of a hurry? I'm not.
And this - " receipt of the above payment will be issued to you from our office.This will be used as a benchmark for future pay negotiations." Did I just start working for you or something?
Anyhoo - get an invoice to me for the 72-hour option.
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith
LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley,
West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London,
United Kingdom.
Attention:Eliza Dane,
Prior to your email received, i want to inform you that we respond urgently to every email received on our desk.
Prior to your choice of 72hrs transfer transaction chosen,You are hereby requested to locate the nearest WesternUnion or Money Gram location and send the sum of $1050.00 (One Thousand and Fifty Dollars) to that effect.
You are to make this payment in the name of our account officer with the following information:
Name: Mrs Elizabeth Roy
Address:75 Commercial Street, Batley, West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ,London,United Kingdom.
Once this is done, send payment information as written on the payment slip.The receipt of payment will be issued you immediately while Transfer will take effect.You are required to conclude all proceed today as i will be on desk to administer your cost as proper invoicing and administration will be done on your behalf.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
Where's the invoice I asked for?
And this - "You are required to conclude all proceed today as i will be on desk to administer your cost as proper invoicing and administration will be done on your behalf".
Excuse me - who is the customer here? You do what I say! So send me that invoice pronto!
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[Few things are more predictable than a Lad getting invoice and receipt mixed up...]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley,
West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London,
United Kingdom.
Attention:Eliza Dane,
Compliment of the day to you Eliza Dane.Prior to your email received on our desk, i want to bring to your notice that it is on receipt of payment that your invoice will be sent to you."You are required to conclude all proceed today as i will be on desk to administer your cost as proper invoicing and administration will be done on your behalf" means that after you have made the payment, we will proceed in giving you the invoice as soon as you effect payment .You need to effect payment so we can proceed effectively with transaction.We await payment details.Your urgent response to this email is needed asap.Have a nice day.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
Holy Mother Frigga! You send a receipt after I've paid, but you send me an invoice BEFORE I sent you the money.
You really have to cut back on those liquid lunches, you know that?
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[This is even worse than usual... I send them a receipt after I send the money, and then I get an invoice. Cause and effect are different in the Muguverse!]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
75 Commercial Street, Batley,
West Yorks, WF 17 5EQ, London,
United Kingdom.
Attention:Eliza Dane,
Compliment of the day to you Eliza Dane.Your email was received and the content not well understood.I want to inform you that all proceed deems it's factor on your compliance with the Cost Of Transfer.You are required to send fee so that your loan can be transfered into your bank account.Once we get a receipt and evidence of payment we now issue you an invoice in regards to the payment you have effected for the transfer to be made.I have taken out time from my busy schedule to explain all you need to know about transfering of funds to your Bank account.Your positive response to this email is needed asap.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
Since I've got nowhere being polite...
SEND ME THE FUCKING INVOICE RIGHT NOW!
Got that?
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[His address has suddenly changed]

LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
89 caroline Square High Street Skipton BD23 1DA United Kingdom

Attention:Eliza Dane,
As previously said,it is imperative you effect that payment so we can proceed effectively in granting you your loan.Attached here is a scanned copy of the deposit Certificate for your eyes only.Your urgent response to this email is needed as soon as possible.Have a most wonderful day.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.

Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
If you fuck up like you just did then believe you me I am going to tell you.
THAT WAS NOT AN INVOICE! An INVOICE details the money I'm sending, who it's for, and why. That "CRTIFICATE" tells me nothing like that.
Give me an invoice.
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith

[It's not only the weirdest and lamest excuse for not providing an invoice, but with a comical spelling howler to boot.]

ATTN:Eliza Dane,
I am more surprise at you attitude to have requested for an invoice.If i might ask you "Did you purchase any item?".You applied for a loan and you have been given the cost of transfer to transfer funds into your local bank account and all you do is keep on asking for an invoice using fowl languages and been rude on the mail.
This is how you fall victim to fraudsters.They will provide you with an invoice for no just cause you send them funds and get nothing in return.You were shown you Loan that was deposited with us and all measure to transfer funds to you is already in place.
I will advice you to effect payment so that we can proceed in transferring funds into your account failure to do that will mean a decline to your application.Your urgent response is needed as soon as possible.Have a nice day.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
With respect - forget it, you don't deserve it!
Since I don't have an account with your bank, I can't pay your fees the normal way. I'd assumed that you'd set up the details for a transfer from my bank to yours. Instead, you demand payment by Western Union - which is like no fucking bank I ever heard of. I asked for an invoice for that very reason - because you're making no sense.
"This is how you fall victim to fraudsters" - what the fuck has this got to do with anything? Do fraudsters usually go around offering bank loans? Are bank officers usually con artists? I don't know what you've been drinking (or sniffing or smoking) but it ain't nice to see what it does to you.
If you were the genuine article - and/or completely sober - you'd stump up an invoice without a second thought and I'd be honey-sweet. Instead you turn up your nose and I've lost my temper.
Just send me the fucking invoice and let's get this done and dusted.
Eliza Dane
Paul Smith
LLOYDS TSB BANK (BATLEY BRANCH)
89 caroline Square High Street Skipton BD23 1DA United Kingdom

ATTN:Eliza Dane,
I have received your email and i can see that you need go and learn some manners.please be informed that this bank operates a premium account and thus will not transact any funds less than ?5000 GBP. I will advice you to effect payment as instructed so we can proceed effectively.Your urgent response to this email is needed as soon as possible.Have a nice day.
Regards
Mr Paul Smith.
Eliza Dane
Mr Smith,
Well, nice work there, fuckface - you just lost a customer. That's what happens when you're a fucking asshole.
Have a really shitty day.
Eliza Dane

[And on that most mature note, we close our business with Mr Smith.]


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