The return of the amazing Arnold Fannerman:
Hi there! How are you? Well, I couldn't resist another go at some 419-ers..and whaddaya know...LOVE BLOOMS ALONG THE GARDEN PATH! Best..."Arnold".This is long, but it's worth it. Arnold Fannerman may be the literary love child of Dickens and Danielle Steel, in a weird three-way with Eric Ambler.
APRIL 2002: "HILARY" TO ARNOLD
MY FATHER AND MOTHER LOST THEIR LIVES IN THE HANDS OF THE REBEL SOLDIERS IN SIERRA LEONE LED BY MAJOR JOHNNY KOROMAH.AS THE WAR PRESSED HARDER,I OPENED THE UNDERGROUND SAVE OF THE FAMILY VILLA IN READINESS TO MOVE OUT FROM THE COUNTRY TO SEEK REFUGE SOMEWHERE,I FOUND AMONG OTHER THINGS IN THE SAVE, SOME DOCUMENTS CONCERNING ONE TRUNK BOX CONTAINING THE SUM OF EIGHTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS(US$18,500,000)MY FATHER DEPOSITED AND REGISTERED WITH A SECURITY COMPANY IN COTE D'IVOIRE WITH OUR FAMILY NAME "PAUL" AS VALUABLE FAMILY TREASURES.
AGAIN I DISCOVERED IN THE SAVE A WILL WRITTEN BY MY
LATE FATHER,WHICH INCLUDES AMONG OTHER THINGS,
WE ARE CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST US IN THE FOLLOWING
WE WILL OFFER YOU 10% OF THE TOTAL SUM AS YOUR
COMMISSION,WHILE YOUR SHARE OF PROFIT FROM EVERY
INVESTMENT IS NEGOTIABLE.YOU CAN CONTACT US
ON THIS TELEPHONE NUMBER +22507752005.
APRIL 2002: ARNOLD TO "HILARY"Dear Hilary:
Such a terrible time for Sierra Leone! I have seen on the news the terrible crimes committed by the rebels there. I will be happy to assist you in any way I can.
I am the owner/operator of a large fishing business. Perhaps we can utilize the business to receive the funds? Also, may I ask the age of your young sister Josephine? I mention this because I have long considered helping a distressed person in Sierra Leone, or other troubled African country. I am an unmarried man, and would inquire about the possibility of your consideration in possibly asking for her hand in marriage. I mention this in all seriousness. Is it possible for you to send a photo of your sister, with other biographical details?Best
APRIL 2002: "HILARY" and "JOSEPHINE" To ARNOLDDEAR P. DIDDY,
MY SISTER JOSEPHINE IS NINTEEN YEARS OLD(19YEARS),WHILE I AM TWENTY TWO YEARS OLD(22YEARS).SHE HAS JUST COMPLETED HER SECONDARY EDUCATION WHEN THE CRISIS IN SIERRA-LEON HAPPENED AND SUBSEQUENTLY THE DEATH OF OUR PARENTS.
I AND MY SISTER IS IN THE CAMP HERE IN ABIDJAN HOPING TO GET OUT OF THIS SUFFERING SITUATION ONE DAY.
ON THE OTHER HAND,OUR FATHER'S CONSIGNMENT WHICH HE REGISTERED AS FAMILY TREASURE WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY IN ABIDJAN IS LYING THERE ACCUMULATING DUMORRAGE,WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO AS THE SECURITY COMPANY DO NOT KNOW THAT THE CONTENT OF THIS CONSIGNMENT IS MONEY(eighteen million five hundred thousand).I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME TO ABIDJAN TO CLEAR THIS CONSIGNMENT FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY,THIS WILL HELP US TO LEAVE WITH THIS FUND DOWN TO YOUR COUNTRY.
LASTLY,CALL MY SISTER JOSEPHINE TODAY SO AS TO SPEAK DIRECTLY WITH HER(225-07-752005).AGAIN,DO NOT BE ANNOYED FOR NOT SENDING HER PICTURE TO YOU,IT IS BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO SCAN IT TO YOU.HOPING TO HEARING FROM YOU SOONEST.
HILARY ALFRED AND SISTER JOSEPHINE
ARNOLD to "HILARY"Dear Hilary:
Thank you for your speedy reply! I am very excited about our transaction. Could you advise me about the best way to travel from Miami Florida USA to Abidjan? Which airline is best between there and the USA?
Please advise me as to how much the demurrage will cost. Have no fears, I am sure I will be able to cover it, but I must know how much cash to bring with me to Abidjan. My company is quite successful (but another few million dollars would be welcome!), so this will be no problem I am sure.
Sir, I would like to hear from your sister directly, so I will have a sense of what kind of person she is. Please have her write to me at this email address immediately.
I am 5'9", weigh 165 pounds, and am in top physical condition, as you will see when I arrive. I am 34 years old. I have 2 homes, one in Miami, and the other in New York City, from where I transact much business.
Perhaps we can arrange a transfer of beneficiary on the security deposit. This is commonly done. Please send a facsimile of the certificate of deposit, and I will begin the process for you. I will communicate directly with the company.
Have no fears, I will help you recover from your awful circumstances, as it is the Lord's work to help those in need.Best
"JOSEPHINE" to ARNOLDMY DEAREST DIDDY,
I AM IMPRESSED WITH YOUR MAIL.I DO WISH THAT WE HAVE SEEN FACE TO FACE,ALL THE SAME,I AM VERY GLAD AND DO HAVE INTEREST IN YOU AS TO MAKE A FULL TIME HOUSE WIFE WITH YOU.
I AM 4.5ftTALL,BLACK IN COMPLEXION,WITH BROWN EYES.MY AMBITION IN LIFE IS TO BECOME A NURSE AS TO TAKE CARE OF OUR CHILDREN.I AM NINTEEN YEARS OLD(19),GOD FEARING PERSON,BORN IN A CHRISTIAN FAMILY.I LOST MY PARENTS DURING THE WAR IN MY COUNTRY(SIERRA-LEONE).I AM ONLY LEFT WITH MY SENIOR BROTHER HILARY.
YOUR ANSWER TO US IS FROM GOD,AS WE ARE OPHANS,I WOULD
LOVE YOU TO CALL ME ON THIS NUMBER;225-07752005,NINE
O'CLOCK ABIDJAN TIME SO AS TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AND
DISCUSS MORE.WE ARE IN THE REFUGEE CAMP .
"HILARY" and "JOSEPHINE" to ARNOLD
DEAR UNCLE P.DIDDY,
FIRSTLY,YOU CAN FLY WITH EGYPT AIRLINE AS IT COMES TO ABIDJAN OFTEN,YOU MIGHT ON THE OTHER HAND FIND OUT FROM YOUR TRAVELLING AGENCY WHICH AIRLINE THAT GOES TO ABIDJAN,AS WE WOULD BE HAPPY TO RECEIVE YOU AND TO FLY WITH YOU TO U.S.A.
SECONDLY I CONTACTED THE SECURITY COMPANY WHERE THIS CONSIGNMENT WAS DEPOSITED BY OUR LATE FATHER TO ASK AFTER THE DEMMURAGE THIS HAS INCURED,THE CHIEF SECURITY DIRECTOR DR WEST UZONDU IS NOT ARROUND,HIS SECRETARY GAVE ME HIS EMAIL ADDRESS(email@example.com)AND HIS DIRECT LINE NO 225-07-509890 SAYING THAT WE SHOULD ASK YOU TO CONTACT HIM AS THE BENEFICIARY.
UNCLE,DO GIVE US YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS WHERE WE CAN FAX TO YOU THE DEPOSITED CERTIFICATE.EMAIL TO US THE DATE OF YOUR ARRIEVAL AND DO CALL THE SECURITY COMPANY.
HOPING TO HEARING FROM YOU AND GOD BLESS.
ARNOLD to "UZONDU"Dear Dr. Uzondu:
My name is P. Diddy. I am interested in a transferral of beneficiary, to myself, of a box deposited with your company in the name of Dr. Alfred Paul. The box contains "family treasures". Of course, this is in full compliance with the wishes of the family. In fact, there is a possibility that I will be joining this family through marriage in the near future.
Please send to me all information relevant to such a transferral, kindly informing me of what is expected of me to complete this process. I am sure the family will be able to provide you with any materials which you may deem necessary. I am in close contact with the family.Thank You!
ARNOLD to "HILARY"My Dear Nephew Hillie, Dear Boy,
Thank you for your letter. First let me ask you to drive all your worries out of your mind. I am aware of the terrible situation you are in, together with your delightful little sister. But whenever your burdens seem unbearable, whenever all you can see is darkness, though it may be under the glare of the noonday sun, just remember...your Uncle Diddy is here! He will take care of you both, and wash away your troubles as easily as you lick away the last few grains of rice from your hands after a meager meal.
I have sent off an email to the security company, and expect them to send me all information regarding the transferral of beneficiary. I told them that we are together on this. Of course, nothing can be done without your own signature.
At present, I am caring for my elderly mother. My father passed away 3 years ago, and my mother's health has been steadily declining. She is residing with me at my home, and is always concerned about my welfare, and is very nosey besides. If she hears or suspects that I am having any dealings with strangers in Africa, she will tell every single relative who has ears to hear! I do not wish to endanger the successful completion of our transaction. As I can no longer adequately care for her, she will be moving to a nursing home within 1 week. Yes, my dear Hillie, it is also a sad time for us here, so we have a bond of tribulation among us ... you, I, and the charming Josephine. Once the move is accomplished, we may have regular telephone contact.
Until then, feel free to email the security document(s), or anything else you feel will help us to bring the transaction to a speedy and 100% (ONE HUNDRED PERCENT) hitch-free conclusion.
I am in touch with a travel agent here, and we are working on a trip to Abidjan as soon as will be practicable. I think we will settle on KLM Airlines. How many days do you think our business will take? I have settled on the Ivoire Inter-Continental Abidjan Hotel, on Boulevard Hassan II. Do you know it? Is it a good hotel? I am unfamiliar with hotel standards in your country, and I would hate to arrive there only to find bed-bugs and other vermin infesting the room.I await your response, my dear Hillie.
Now let me apprise you of a new development. I have received a letter from your sister Josephine. I think she likes me! If you could only see her letter - it was so sweet and loving. I want you to know, dear nephew, that I am an honourable man. It would be unthinkable for me to carry on any communication with your sister without your full knowledge and permission.
Therefore, I want you to know that I will write her a reply immediately. I fervently hope that this will be all right with you, and that we have your blessing. It may sound strange, but I sense real love and caring in her words. Your revered late father must have raised his children right, with a truly Godly modality. How I wish he were still alive today, so we could all meet in family joy and warmth upon my arrival in Abidjan!
Well, that is it for now, my poor troubled nephew Hillie. Have courage! Try not to think of the past, but look ahead to the day when we will have successfully removed the contents of the security box, and you and Josephine (such a pretty name!) will be with me in my country, far from the filthy and degrading refugee camp wherein you now find your most precious selves.With familial love, I remain,
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"My Darling Josephine,
How wonderful it was to receive your letter! Don't worry, I have told your brother that I will be writing to you, so you need not fear. Your words were as a sweet bouquet to my eyes. No one has ever called me "darling" before, and I must tell you, my sweetest girl, it was thrilling to hear it. I feel as if I have known you my whole life.
You see, Josephine, I have been so lonely. I have spent my whole life up to this point only thinking of money... how to get it, and then how to get more. I never even had any real friends, because I was always too busy cooking up new business schemes, investing and re-investing my earnings, always counting, counting, counting...
Please try not to think badly of me because of this. However, the result of all my labours has been a full bank account, and an empty heart... full moon and empty arms.
Last year I celebrated my arrival at a certain financial milestone by purchasing a 36 (THIRTY SIX) foot Chris Craft cabin cruiser boat, which I keep docked at the Miami Seaquarium. (Please don't think I am bragging or showing off! I know, sweet Josephine, that you would never determine a person's value by the number of material possessions he may have, or the size of his bank account. Please do not feel insulted!)
I thought this vessel would bring me happiness, but do you want to know something, my dearest Josephine? It has only brought me emptiness! Where is the joy when there is no one to share one's good fortune?! Sometimes I feel like a motherless child, like the poorest beggar, when I see an ordinary family walking in the street enjoying each other's company, even if they are dressed in rags! I would give everything up in an instant, give up my homes and everything else to the meek and destitute, if only I could find happiness like that.
Is this making sense? I hope you do not mind that I pour my deepest, most heartfelt feelings out to you. I only wish we could be together, with your head resting next to my heart, gazing up at me with your beautiful brown eyes. Oh my dearest Josephine, forgive me for speaking to you like this. We do not know each other, and perhaps you think me too forward. All I know of you is that you are the sister of a stranger in distress who reached out to me across the ocean, in pathetic desperation, for a way out of his trials. Yet we three have already forged a bond, a bond that, God-willing, will continue and grow ever stronger with the passing years.
So you want to be a nurse? How very like you...always thinking of the other person before yourself...that's my Josephine! You mentioned that you want children? How many would you like? I would like 3 (THREE). Two (2) boys and a girl. I would name the boys Cyril and Waldo. Of course I would be open to other suggestions...maybe Paul, like your father. :) The girl might be named Yetta.
You know, Josephine, with all this talk about children, I must confess, I have never been with a woman, you know what I mean? I have seen pictures, and even saw a part of a film once, until I realized what was happening and I ran out! It all seemed so strange to me. Many of my countrymen do not think twice about performing these wicked acts. I do not know why God thought it necessary to force his creatures to behave so unnaturally so they may have children. But we will deal with these things in their own time, my dearest Josephine.
I have spoken too much already. PLEASE write back as soon as possible...RIGHT NOW...ok?Love,
"JOSEPHINE" to ARNOLD
MY DEAREST DIDDY,
HOW ARE YOU DEAR?HOPE YOU ARE FINE.HOW IS YOUR MOTHER FAIRING? THERE IS NO PROBLEM IF YOU SUGGEST THAT WE HAVE ONLY THREE CHILDREN,YOU ARE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE,THE BIBLE SAYS THAT WE SHOULD RESPECT OUR HUSBAND AND BE SUBMISIVE TO THEM.YOUR SUGGESTION TO NAME THEM CYRIL AND WALDO IS BETTER FOR ME.
ON THE OTHER SIDE DEARLING,I WOULD LIKE YOU TO FASTTEN YOUR COMING TO ABIDJAN AS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU AND TO MOVE WITH YOU TO U. S. A.MY ELDER BROTHER HILARY HAS BEEN SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOU AS HIS INLAW AND HE TOLD ME HE IS GIVING US HIS BLESSING.IN OUR TRADITION,ONCE OUR ELDERLY ONE GIVES HIS BLESSINGS,THINGS WORKS WELL.
DEARLING I AM YOURS,BE ASSURED OF ME AS I AM STILL A VIGIN.OUR FIRST CHILD WILL BE A GIRL AS I LIKE GIRL TO HELP ME IN MY DOMESTIC WORK.DO EMAIL ME TODAY TO LET ME KNOW YOUR SUGGESTION AND WHEN YOU ARE COMING.I AM WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY.
WITH LOVE FROM
"HILARY" to ARNOLDDEAR UNCLE DIDDY,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR MAIL TO US.I DO APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORT IN ALL VENTURES TO SEE THAT WE COME OVER TO UNITED STATE OF AMERICA.MY SISTER WAS SO HAPPY WHEN BOTH OF US READ YOUR MAIL,SHE WISHED THAT YOUR COMING IS TODAY.
IN ANOTHER DEVELOPMENT,I WILL AS REQUESTED BY YOU TO SCAN THE DEPOSITED CERTIFICATE OF THE CONSIGNMENT TO YOU BY OUR LATE FATHER.ON THE ASPECT OF YOUR ARRIVAL,I WILL ON MY OWN FIND TO YOU THE BEST HOTEL IN ABIDJAN AS YOU MAY KNOW THAT WE ARE NOT FROM THIS PLACE.MOST HOTELS IN ABIDJAN ARE NOT GOOD AS I WILL NOT LIKE ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO YOU AS MY UNCLE AND INLAW.COMING TO WHAT YOU WROTE TO US CONCERNING YOUR FAMILY,I DO PITY THAT WE HAVE THE SAME NOTION,ONLY THAT YOUR MOTHER IS STILL ALIVE-GOD KEEP HER FOR US TO SEE HER AS OUR OWN MOTHER.
FURTHERMORE,DO TAKE CARE OF HER AND LOOK UNTO GOD FOR MORE BLESSING,DO NOT THINK TOO MUCH WE WILL BE WITH YOU TO ENJOY THE GOOD THINGS YOU HAVE FOR US BOTH THE BOAT AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS.PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SECURITY COMPANY KNOW WHAT IS IN THE CONSIGNMENT,IT IS A SECRET BETWEEN US.WE WILL INVEST THE MONEY IN YOUR BUSINESS.
BE REST ASSURED THAT I AM IN SUPPORT OF YOU MARRING MY SISTER.I BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF HER,SHE IS ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT YOU.HOPING TO HEARING FROM YOU SOONEST
GOD BE WITH YOU,MY REGARDS TO YOUR MOTHER.
HILARY ALFRED AND SISTER JOSEPHINE
"UZONDU" to ARNOLD
FROM THE DESK OF CHIEF SECURITY OFFICER;DR WEST
HAVING MADE AN OFFICIAL REQUEST AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THIS CONSIGNMENT,WE REQUEST YOU TO FORWARD TO US YOUR OFFICIAL LETTER HEADED PAPER REQUESTING YOUR WILLINGNESS OF TAKING THIS CONSIGNMENT AS THE ORIGINAL BENEFICIARY IN HELPING THE OPHANS TO FORWARD THEIR EDUCATION.THIS REQUEST SHOULD BE SCANED AND FORWARDED TO US BY EMAIL FOR SECURITY REASONS. BASED ON YOUR REQUEST,YOU SHOULD SEND A TOTAL FEE OF FIVE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS(5,550US$)IN FAVOUR OF MR NELSON N .EGBUTA .THIS SHOULD BE IN LINE WITH OFFICIAL GHAZETHING OF YOUR REQUEST AS THE BENEFICIARY.BEAR IN MIND THAT, LATE DR ALFRED PAUL MADE THIS CONSIGNMENT FOR THE CHILDREN AS FAMILY TREASURE SINCE JANUARY 2000,THIS HAS BEEN YIELDING DEMMURAGE,THEREFORE, YOU WILL BE INFORMED THE AMOUNT OF THE DEMMURAGE AFTER THE OFFICIAL APPROVAL FEE OF THE ABOVE SAID AMOUNT. YOUR EARLIER RESPONSE TO THIS MAIL WILL HELP TO FASTTEN MATTERS AS WE WILL WANT YOU TO COME AND CLAIM THIS CONSIGNMENT IN OUR VAULT AS THE BENEFICIARY. HOPING TO HEARING FROM YOU AS WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO RECEIVING THE APPROVAL FEE TO VALIDATE THE CONSIGNMENT.SEND TO US THE INFORMATION CONCERNING THIS AMOUNT THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.REGARDS
DR WEST UZONDU.
ARNOLD to "UZONDU"Dear Dr. Uzondo:
Thank you for your reply and instructions. I am personally gratified to know that the process is under way, and that relief for the orphans is forthcoming. The approval fee of US$5,550 will be no problem to forward to you via Western Union. My only problem is this:
The money will be taken from the Operating Fund of my company. While any and all funds taken from the resources of my company, to wit, "BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORMS INC.", a company which is well known in the sporting world in the USA, are under my sole and direct control, my accountants demand some sort of documentation for all transactions. Can you possibly email to me some sort of document, on a form from the Security Company, which notes that the money is targeted towards redeeming the box in question? You need not describe the contents as "family treasures". In fact, you need not describe the contents at all. However, some sort of form is absolutely necessary. As a businessman yourself, I am sure you can understand why this is important.
As soon as I receive this, I will send the money immediately.Thank you for your understanding and consideration.
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"Dearest Josephine,
It was thrilling to receive your letter, and to see you sign it "Josephine Diddy". I hope all this comes to pass. But we will know more when we meet in Abidjan. After all, we do not really know each other at all yet. Maybe you will not like me when you see me. But I can assure you that I am a good-looking healthy man.
I want you to know that I will be leaving on the 15th of April. I will arrive there in the evening of that date. I will inform you of the particulars in the next day or so, but the date is definitely fixed. As Hillie has not yet told me how many days he expects it to take to acquire the contents of the box, I am buying an"open return" ticket. This way, if we really think we are meant for each other, we can spend some extra time together. This is an advantage to owning a company...there is no boss I must answer to, and my time is my own.
Now I must tell you something which I hope will not cause you to have second thoughts about a possible marriage with me. I know that you are Christian, and I have great respect for the Christian religion. But, my dearest Josephine, I am Jewish.
My ancestors come from Bialystock, Poland. My paternal grandfather was named Itzik Diddowitzsteinkovsky, a very common name in the region, but not very appealing to Americans. Upon his arrival in the USA, he shortened the name to Diddy, to suit American life and tastes. I want you to know everything about my family, and when we see each other, I will tell you more about our history.
In order for us to be married, you must convert to Judaism, the Israelite-Hebrew religion. As you know, Jesus Christ was Jewish. If He were alive today, He would give us His blessing. Remember, Jesus Christ did not know about "Christianity", as it did not yet exist. He was a yeshiva bocher. Let me tell you what this means for us, stating only the most important particulars, which you must know beforehand:
We will keep a "kosher" household. We will eat no pork, nor fish without scales (sharks, eels, etc). We will not eat any food which contains oats, barley, malt, spelt, or milt. Any water we drink must be heated to 42 (FORTY TWO) degrees Celsius. We may eat foods of any colours except yellow (no bananas). We will not eat any dairy products with meat at the same meal. Any animal we eat must not be slaughtered in a cruel fashion, but must die painlessly by lethal injection.You can read all these injunctions in the bible, for example, concerning the meat and dairy: "Thou shalt not boil a kid in its mother's milk."
We will go to the "synagogue", the House of Worship, 3 times each day. You will look down from behind a screen in the women's gallery, where you will get to know all the other wives of the congregation.
Whenever you have your monthly menstruation ("period"), you will remain apart from me at a distance of at least 60 (SIXTY) cubits, and be careful not to touch me. When your menstruation is complete, you will go to the "mikveh", the ritual bathhouse, and clean yourself. Then you can come home to me and we will have intimate relations.
As far as these intimate relations are concerned, it is forbidden for us to gaze upon the naked body of the other. Therefore, when we do have intimate relations, you will cover yourself with a special sheet which has a circular hole cut in it at the appropriate place. In this way, we will be able to have children without degrading ourselves by close physical contact. While having these relations, we will think only of holy things, and not behave lustfully or in a jocular fashion. Do not be offended, my dearest girl. One must speak directly about such things, so there will be no misunderstandings later.
You must, the day we are married, remove all the hair from your head and body. In place of your natural hair, you will wear a wig. This is for purposes of modesty, so no other man may look with a lustful heart upon your own hair. You will dress so that your body is covered down to your ankles, and so that your arms and ears are covered as well.
You will learn to prepare suitable dishes for our
family to eat. This includes, but is not limited to:
Please do not be alarmed. You will be relieved to know that my mother's 3 sisters will oversee your every move, and carefully teach you how best to accomplish all that will be necessary.
Please understand, dearest Josephine, the importance attached to these matters. I would encourage you to pick up a copy of the "Kitzur Shulchan Aruch" by Rabbi Solomon Ganzfried at your local bookstore there in Abidjan. In it you will find all the necessary instructions for maintaining a proper kosher household, and for leading a "frum" (holy) life. I would not want to spring these matters on you by surprise, so it is best that you prepare yourself for this, so that you may make an informed decision. If there is true love, everything else will follow.
Please inform Hillie that I am in touch with the gentleman at the security company, and we are making arrangements for the speedy transfer of the approval fee, which will be no problem as long as I have the proper document. I hope the security company is reliable, so I can send the money as quickly as possible. I have already withdrawn it from the company treasury, but cannot send it there until I have the paperwork which will enable me to attach it to a purchase order. This may sound complicated to you, dearest Josephine, but I assure you it is a simple matter, and is done every day.
My company, "BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORMS, INC." is a manufacturer of fishing equipment and artificial baits. It is well known in the USA. All the profit money from the security box will go into its bank account, after, of course, we take a small advance for expenses and other "necessities"...only a few hundred thousand dollars... :) . Don't worry, my sweet girl, I am basically an honest man, who has achieved a high station in life through hard work.
Dearest Josephine, it is IMPERATIVE that you write to me IMMEDIATELY and tell me whether you feel you can comply with my wishes, so I will feel free to complete this transaction with a heart full of gladness at the anticipated outcome.Love
"JOSEPHINE" to ARNOLDMY DEAREST DIDDY,
I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL WITH ULTIMATE HAPPINESS.IT DOES NOT MATTER THE KIND OF RELIGION YOU ARE BUT WHAT MATTERS IS THE LOVE WE HAVE FOR EACH OTHER.AS YOU MAY KNOW,OUR PARENTS ARE NOT ALIVE BUT WHAT I NEED IS YOUR CARING WHICH I KNOW YOU CARES.
ON THE OTHER SIDE,KNOW SO WELL THAT LOVE IS BLIND,IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW YOU LOOK PHYSICALLY,SPIRITUALLY AND OTHERWISE BUT RATHER THE LOVE OF GOD WHICH MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME BEFORE THEIR UNTIMELY DEATH.BE REST ASSURED THAT I LOVE YOU FROM THE DIPPEST OF MY HEART NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK LIKE.
LIKE I SAID IN MY MAIL TO YOU,I HAVE BEEN HAVING SLEEPLESS NIGHT WAITING FOR YOUR ARREIVAL NOW,I AM A BITE RELEIVED FROM THE DATE YOU GAVE ME,GIVE ME YOUR FLIGHT SCHEDULE FOR ME TO GET PREPARED AND WAIT FOR YOU AT THE AIRPORT.PLEASE,I WILL LIKE YOU TO SEND ME SOME MONEY FOR ME TO USE TO BUY THE BOOK YOU ASKED ME TO BUY SO AS TO START STUDING IT.I WILL BE GREATFUL TO RECEIVE THE MONEY.
FURTHERMORE,ON THE SIDE OF THE SECURITY COMPANY,THEY ARE RELIABLE,THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY LATE FATHER DEPOSITED IN THE BOX PLEASE, DO NOT TELL THEM(IT IS MONEY)ANYTHING THEY ASK YOU TO DO,DO IT AS WE ARE EXPECTING YOUR ARRIEVAL.I WILL INFORM HILARY TO EMAIL YOU THE DOCUMENTS OF DEPOSIT AND ALL THE NECESSIARY DOCUMENTS RELATING TO THE DEPOSITED BOX.PLEASE DO SEND TO THEM WHAT THEY NEEDED FROM YOU FASTER SO AS TO CLAIM THE BOX FOR OUR MUTUAL BENEFIT IN INVESTING IN YOUR COMPANY.I WILL LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT AFTER OUR MARRIAGE,I WILL TAKE THE POSSITION OF THE DEPUTY DIRECTOR IN ASSISTING YOU IN THE COMPANY.I AM WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY IMMEDIATELY.
ARNOLD to ScamORamaSubject: Denouement!
You will notice that "Josephine" apparently thinks Judaism is a form of Hinduism! Well I don't think I'll be hearing from Hilary/Josephine again. It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling to know that they went to the airport and probably spent a few rupees, or whatever passes for money in Abidjan, on flowers.
Of course I did not give any real id! These guys are thugs, and "Hilary" probably would love to put a bullet in my face. I mentioned that he probably won't write again, but if he does, I'll let you know....
I wonder if they found a girl to bring to the airport? Maybe she would have been a suitable wife. I guess I'll never know!Best,
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"
My Dearest Josephine,
You mention that you will be "Deputy Director" of Wiggle Baby after our marriage. I would like nothing better. It is difficult to run a large company alone. But you must understand that you should undergo some training in business before you can do what is expected of the director of a company, and especially a company as large as Blue Crescent Wiggle Baby!
However I will be happy to send you to business school so you can learn all you must. Of course I will also teach you myself.
A good start would be for me to address all my messages concerning the transaction to you, as my trusted wife. Let me inform you of the latest developments. When I presented the Approval Agreement to the treasurer of Blue Crescent, simply as a formality, he accepted it at once, but advised me to travel there in person and meet the people involved before sending money via Western Union. So I shall do this. Have no fear, I will bring the cash with me on the 15th or my name is not P. Diddy! When one considers the outcome, a few days wait is of no concern.
I calculate the demurrage due, to be about 108,000 dollars US. If all goes well at our meeting, with you, Hillie, Dr. Uzondo and whoever else may be involved, I will remove the cash for the demurrage from the company coffers. Remember, the money is 100% under my control. I am only delaying sending the Approval Fee out of consideration for my Treasurer, who has devoted long service to the company. It will be in the hands of the Security Company when I arrive. I will hand it to you at the airport if you wish, as soon as I see you. As your first job as Deputy Director, I would like you to inform Dr. Uzondo of this latest plan.
I cannot wait to meet you. I wish you could send a photo. I also had a dream about you, 2 nights ago. I was walking through a swampy bottomland on a dark and misty night. Crocodiles were snapping at my legs as I walked, when from out of the mouth of one crocodile came...you! You walked...no, floated...towards me and gave me a wide smile, opening your arms wide as if to embrace me. Blood was dripping from your teeth. Then I woke up, sweating profusely. They say bad dreams bring good luck!
I have purchased a copy of the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch for you, my dearest. Just tell me where to send it and I will do so immediately, my sweetheart dearling. I would like you to look at it before I arrive. By the way, I hope you will be there at the airport to greet me. I will be very disappointed if you are not there. I think I would just turn around and go back home! I am doing this, remember, for us and for Hillie, but mostly for us, so be sure to come to the airport on the 15th.
All my love, Zei Gezund!
"JOSEPHINE" to ARNOLDDEAREST DEARLING DIDDY,
I WAS WORRIED SINCE I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM YOU,I GOT RELIEVED FROM YOUR MAIL TO ME TODAY.I DID AS YOU SAID BY GOING TO THE SECURITY ORGANISATION TO MEET DR WEST UZONDU IN PERSON CONCERNING WHAT YOU ASKED ME TO DO,HE DID TOLD ME THAT HE HAS SENT TO YOU A LETTER OF AGREEMENT WHICH YOU ASKED THEM TO DO AND HE FURTHER SAID THAT THEY ARE WAITING FOR THE APPROVAL FEE WHICH IS BEEN DEMANDED FROM YOU AS A PROCEDURE TO PROCESSING YOUR DOCUMENTS FOR THE CONSIGNMENT,THEY HAVE NOT HEARD FROM YOU.
MOREOVER, HE SAID THAT WITHOUT FIRST PAYING FOR THIS APPROVAL FEE,THERE IS NO WAY THE CONSIGNMENT WILL BE HANDED OVER TO YOU.IT IS THE PROCESS OF CHANGING YOUR NAME OFFICIALY AS A FOREIGN PARTNER AS INDICATED BY THE DEPOSITOR.THE DEMURAGE MONEY CAN COME ALONG WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARRIVE.I TOLD HIM THAT YOU ARE MY HUSBAND,HE SAID THEY CANNOT WAIVE THE PROCEDURE,IT HAS TO BE FOLLOWED.PLEASE DEARLING,PAY THEM SO AS TO AVIOD SUSPECT FROM THEM.THEY BROUGHT OUT THEIR RULES FOR ME TO CHECK THEIR CONSTITUTION GOVERNING THE ORGANISATION.I WAS THERE TODAY SEEING FOREIGN PATNERS COMING TO CLAIM THEIR CONSIGNMENT,ONE OF THEM IS FROM LONDON,DR WEST SHOWED ME THE PREVIOUS PAYMENT MADE BY HIM BEFORE HIS ARRIEVAL.
PLEASE DEARLING ,OBLIAGE TO THEIR RULES AND PAY THEM,I AM HERE TO REPRESENT YOU.ON THE OTHER HAND,I WILL BE AT THE AIRPORT TO WELCOME YOU WITH MY WARMEST ARM.ON THE ASPECT OF SENDING THE BOOK,I WILL LIKE YOU TO ASK DR WEST HIS ADDRESS SO AS TO SEND THE BOOK,THOUGH,HE PROMISED TODAY TO GET US OUT OF THE CAMP,AS YOU KNOW WE ARE STILL IN THE CAMP.DO THANK HIM WHEN YOU EMAIL HIM FOR HE HAS BEEN SO CARING SINCE YOU WROTE TO THE SECURITY ORGANISATION CONCERNING OUR CONSIGNMENT.
LASTLY,I DREAMT OF YOU LAST NIGHT,I KNOW GOOD THINGS IS COMING ON OUR WAY.PLEASE DEAR, FROM THE LOOK OF THINGS I THINK DR WEST IS RIGHT.I WILL ACCEPT ALL YOU HAVE SAID IN TAKING ME TO A BUSINESS SCHOOL.I WILL BE HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU TOMORROW.HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.GREET MAMA AND OTHERS FOR ME UNTILL WE MEET EACH OTHER.DO CONTINUALLY WRITE ME EVERYDAY UNTILL THE DAY OF YOUR ARRIEVAL(15 of this month).YOUR LOVE
JOSEPHINE ZEI GEZUND.
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"Dearest Dearling Josephine, Dear Girl:
I have received your letter with gladness. But now I have upset you! Do not worry one little bit, sweet girl. I assure you the security company will get the money. A few days delay is of no matter. Remember, I can stay there with you for as long as I like, so even if I give the approval fee after I arrive there, we can wait for it to be processed and then I can pay the demurrage and claim the trunk. I only do this at the request of our treasurer at Wiggle Baby. It is nothing. 5550 dollars is a very small amount, though it may seem large for you, who is in such dire straits. But with a view to the final amount, which is not so small, it is important that everything be done so as not to make waves in the company. This means that I must be able to say to the treasurer, "Yes I have met everyone, and they are all decent people." I can do this even before we leave the airport. I am sending a letter to Dr. Ozondu to explain everything.
The only thing that would make me send the money now is if you told me that you will not marry me if I do not do it, and of course you will not do that! Our love is far too deep and lasting for such a thought.
You mentioned in your letter that Dr. Ozondu wants to take you out of the camp. Why would he say such a thing? I hope there is nothing more than a purely business relationship between you, though I am happy that he has been kind to you. I do get a bit jealous, so I worry when I read such things.
Please, dear Josephine, tell me what size dress you wear, so I can stop off at a store called "Victoria's Secret" and buy some presents for you. I want to buy so many nice things for you, so do tell me what you like. Do you like jewelry? In America it is the custom for a man to buy his woman gifts of gold and diamonds, especially when they are to be married. Please go to a jewelry store and look at some things. If you see something you like, just tell me what it is, and I will bring something of the same type and quality. I would love to wrap something around your neck as soon as I see you.
Again...please tell me your dress size. And tell me what type of jewelry you like. Do not worry about the price.
Dearest Josephine, please describe conditions at the camp for me. I want to know everything about your living conditions. If things are really bad there, perhaps I should help you before I get there. Please describe every little thing to me. Please be as detailed as possible, so I can have an idea of exactly how you are living now. Describe your house, your neighbors, your street, the food you eat, the water, everything. I want you to tell me what a typical day in your life is like.
Try not to worry. Everything will reach a happy conclusion. By the way, "ZEI GEZUND" is a Jewish expression for "farewell". It actually means "May you be treated by others exactly as you treat them." It is commonly said between those of the Jewish religion.Ok dearest girl, I will say "ZEI GEZUND" for now...
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"Dearest Josephine,
I will be arriving Tuesday April 16th at 6:05 PM. The flight is Air France #702. I can't wait to see you.Your Diddy
"JOSEPHINE" To ARNOLDSubject: DIDDY I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.
MY DEAREST DEARLING DIDDY,
I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN I READ YOUR MAIL.YOUR PLANS IS O.K BY ME.I AM SORRY TO WRITE ZEI GEZUND AS A SURNAME, I TAUGHT IT IS YOUR JEWISH NAME,I TEND TO GO STRIAGHT TO WHAT EVER YOU TELLS ME.
DEARLING,I WILL NOT ASK YOU NOT TO MARRY ME BECAUSE OF YOU NOT PAYING THE APPROVAL FEE TO THE SECURITY ORGANISATION,IT IS ONLY THAT I SAW IT IS THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS TO DEEM THEIR PROCEDURES AND ALSO NOT TO DELAY OUR MOVEMENT WITH YOU,ACCORDING TO THEM, IT TAKES SO LONG TO MAKE THE APPROVAL,THEY HAVE TO GET PAPERS FROM MINISTRY OF JUSTICE,FINANCE AND SECURITY FIRMS IN ABIDJAN.I FEEL IT IS IMPORTANT ,BUT IF YOU INSIST,I DO NOT HAVE ANY OBJECTION FROM YOU ONLY THAT I AM TRYING TO MAKE SURE ALL THINGS ARE READY BEFORE YOUR ARRIEVAL.
ON THE SIDE OF DR UZONDU TAKING US OUT OF THE CAMP,I TOLD YOU THAT SINCE YOU WROTE TO THEM,THEY PICKED INTEREST ON OUR WELFARE,THAT IS TO TELL YOU HOW IMPORTANT WE ARE AND HOW OUR LATE FATHER DID TO THEM WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.DR UZONDU IS A NICE MAN, HE KNOWS YOU ARE MY HUSBAND,HE IS HAPPILY MARRIED WITH CHILDREN.TODAY,THEY TOOK US OUT OF THE CAMP TO A GOOD PLACE.CAMP LIFE IS A HORRIBLE PLACE,THE KIND OF FOOD THEY COOK THERE IS NOTHING TO TALK HOME ABOUT-THANK GOD YOU ARE ON MY SIDE.DEARLING,YOU NEED NOT TO EXPERIENCE SUCH LIFE.
I COULDN’T HOLD MY SELF ON THE GIFT YOU ARE BRINGING TO ME.I LIKE GOLD JEWELRIES,BOTH WATCHES AND BANGLES.MY DRESS IS 42,I LIKE IT DIFFERENT COLOURS I WILL BE HAPPY TO RECEIVE THEM FROM YOU.WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BRING FOR MY SENIOR BROTHER HILARY?I THINK HE WILL LIKE SHOES,WATCHES AND SUITE,HIS SIZE IS 42 FOR SHOES AND FOR SUITE IS 45.HE WILL APPRECIATE ALL THESE THINGS, I WILL NOT TELL HIM UNTILL YOU COME ON THE 16th OF THIS MONTH.
I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR CARING,I CAN NOT SLEEP BUT TO WAIT TO THE D-DAY.I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.TELL ME SWEET WORDS TO MOVE ON WITH TODAY.HOPING TO HEARING FROM YOU IMMEDIATELY.YOUR LOVELY DEARLING,
ARNOLD to "UZUNDU"Dr Uzondu:
Thank you for your letter. I am afraid my hands are tied with respect to the approval fee, which however is in my possession in cash as I write. You have your rules and I have my own company procedures. If it is absolutely impossible for you to receive the $5550 upon my arrival in Abidjan, please tell me immediately so I can cancel my reservation on Air France flight 702, due to arrive in Abidjan at 6:05 pm on April 16th. But, with all candor and due respect, it is impossible to believe that you must refuse the fee if offered upon my arrival there. Perhaps there will be a way to adjust the paperwork to allow you to receive the fee at that time.
I beg you to consider this option, as it is vitally important for the orphans and myself to gain possession of the trunk. It contains items which are dearly sought after, considering the untimely death of their parents. The items in the trunk are the last remaining links to the orphans' father and mother, and therefore are of great sentimental family value to us all.
You have not responded to my request to confirm the approximate demurrage fee, about 108,000 US dollars, based on the schedule printed on the Certificate of Deposit. It would greatly facilitate the acquisition in hand of these funds if I knew ahead of time how much to set aside for this purpose. Then it will be a simple matter to forward to you this fee also upon my arrival in Abidjan.
Allow me, sir, to reiterate the importance of acquiring the contents of the trunk. Any flexibility you can offer to facilitate the redemption of the trunk will be greatly appreciated, for the orphans' sake.I remain yours faithfully,
"UZUNDU" to ARNOLDDear MR P. Diddy,
A board of Directors meeting was held this morning concerning your request to come to Abidjan with the Approval fee,a motion was raised concerning not treating your matter as a constitutional procedure of handling matters, oppositions from here and there was laid against me maybe, my interest on your matter.Firstly,you never told us that you will be coming with the Approval fee but you sent Josephine to solicit on your behalf.
Sir;I have to consider your idea of coming with the Approval fee in cash but reiterate that this is not done any where,I personally considered the orphans which I know they do not have any source of help except what the father has left for them,I do remain royal to my position as the Director,having trusted and helped foreign clients all over the world.For continuity,I am using my position to take your suggestion into consideration,I believe with all fairness,you are welcome.
On the other side of the Demurrage, your calculation seems to be alright from our record,late Dr Paul Alfred deposited eight thousand dollars(us$8,000.000)before his untimely death,I do not know if he left any document concerning the deposited box with you?if you go to your record,from the date of deposit,you will see that he paid this said amount to the Security Organisation.You are suppose to come with one hundred and eight thousand dollars(us$108.000.00).From the calculation, the former started from us$200 perday.This will enable you to payoff the demurrage before handling over the consignment to you.
We do welcome your arrangement on your coming,I assure you maximum security to you right from the airport to your lodgement area and reiterate absolute treatment to you on your claim to the deposited box.Do have confidence in me, I give you all the maximum support to seeing that you are pleased.We work 24hours everyday,you are free to call me any time on phone.Hoping to hearing from you soonest.
Dr West Uzondu.
"JOSEPHINE" To ARNOLDMY DEAREST DEARLING DIDDY,
I DID NOT HEAR FROM YOU YESTERDAY,ARE YOU O.K?.I KNOW YOU ARE PREPERING FOR YOUR COMING TO ABIDJAN.I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT SEEING YOU HOLDING ME TIGHT,POURING KISSES ALL OVER ME,I JUST WISHED YOU ARE HERE WITH ME LAST NIGHT.
LIKE I SAID IN MY MAIL,WE HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT OF THE CAMP TO A RESIDENTIAL BUILDING OWNED BY THE SECURITY ORGANISATION,I'M SO HAPPY TO MYSELF EAT GOOD FOOD SINCE EVER OUR PARIENTS DIED.I DID TOLD MY BROTHER THAT YOU ARE COMING ON THE 16th OF APRIL,HE WAS HAPPY TO HEAR THAT.WE ARE DREAMING OF OUR TRAVELLING WITH YOU TO UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
HOW IS YOUR MOTHER?YOUR THREE SISTERS YOU TOLD ME OF?HOPE I WILL SEE THEM ALL WHEN WE ARRIEVE TO U.S.A.I WILL BE HAPPY TO ASK YOU THE KIND OF DRESS YOU WILL PUT ON FOR ME TO IDENTIFY YOU AT THE AIRPORT AS I WILL BE THERE TO WELCOME YOU.AS FOR ME,I WILL PUT ON A RED BODY HUCK WITH WHITE STRIP AND A JEAN TROUSER-HOPE IT IS O.K BY YOU,PLEASE ADVICE.HOPING TO HEARING FROM YOU IMMDIATELY.
I LOVE YOU DEARLING.I MISS YOU.
WITH LOVE FROM JOSEPHINE DIDDY(MRS)
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"Dearest Josephine,
How are you today? I was overjoyed to hear from you again! Yes I have been very busy. As I expect to be in Abidjan for some time, I have much business to finish before leaving. Blue Crescent Wiggle Baby is a very large company, and it is not a simple matter for the director (me) to be away for any length of time, so I have been seeing to some important affairs.
I have also been shopping for you and Hillie. You mentioned that you like watches and gold jewelry, so I have purchased several of each. I bought you and Hillie each 2 (two) watches, for a total of 4 (four). You probably are not familiar with theses names, but I bought several kinds. One is called "Rolex". It is very beautiful. In fact, before I went to the store, I never knew how beautiful a watch could be! It is very elegant. I also bought a "Piaget" watch for you. It looks more like a piece of jewelry than a watch! It is made of white gold with small diamonds and rubies around it. I can't wait to see your face when you see it! Believe me, dearest Josephine, your life will be changing very soon. You will want to throw away everything you wore before you met me. Soon you will forget that you were ever in a camp.
For Hillie, I bought a very large "Patek Philippe" watch, which I hope he will not think is too heavy. I am sure these names mean nothing to you, but I assure you they are well known watches, and are exquisite in appearance. I also bought a "Rolex" for Hillie.
I won't tell you about the other items I bought for you because I want to surprise you when we meet. I also got you a selection of dresses, but it is difficult to buy clothes for someone when they are not there with you, so if you do not mind, we will wait until I get there to buy more clothes. It is better that way.
I hope you do not mind, my dear girl, but I told my Rabbi (Jewish priest) about you. He is very happy for us. I never told you this, but I, along with several other families, personally provided the funds to build the Temple of Solomon here in Miami. You cannot imagine the pride I feel when I attend the daily sacrifices there. It is a beautiful ceremony, especially when the Levites begin to sing. As the Diddy family goes back to the Kohanim (priests) of Jerusalem, we are entitled to a share in the Terumah (priest's share). After out marriage, we will go to the Temple and offer a bullock for sacrifice. We will join hands and sprinkle some blood upon the altar, then we will go home and feast on the Terumah. You will love it, I am sure. I will have a professional photographer make a video of the whole ceremony.
Well that's it for now, dearest Josephine. Please write soon. Dr. Uzondu has written to me and says that it will be ok for me to pay the approval fee when I arrive. This is a sure sign that everything will work out as planned.All my love
"HILARY" to ARNOLDDEAR UNCLE DIDDY,
MY SISTER JOSEPHINE TOLD ME OF YOUR ARRIEVAL TO ABIDJAN ON THE 16th OF THIS MONTH,I AM HAPPY TO RECIEVING YOU AS MY INLAW.I ASSURE YOU MAXIMUM WELCOME TO ABIDJAN.
THE WAY MY SISTER TALKS ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY SHOWS ME THAT SHE IS REALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.PLEASE MAY I ASK YOU,ARE YOU REALLY IN LOVE WITH HER?IF SO,I AM IN YOUR SUPPORT.I THANK SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR CARING UNTILL WE MEET ON THE DAY OF YOUR ARRIEVAL.
MY REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY,TILL WE ALL MEET EACH OTHER.YOUR INLAW,
"JOSEPHINE" to ARNOLDMY DEAREST DEARLING DIDDY,
I COULDN'T HOLD MYSELF WHEN I READ YOUR MAIL.TELL ME WHAT KIND OF FOOD YOU WOULD WANT ME TO PREPARE FOR YOU AS YOU ARE ARRIEVING TO ABIDJAN.I KNOW YOU WILL BE HUNGRY WHEN YOU ARRIEVE.I WILL PREFER TO COOK RICE WITH BEEF FOR THE EVENING SO AS TO KNOW HOW I WILL COOK FOR YOU WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.ALL THE ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN MADE TO SECURE YOUR SECURITY BY THE SECURITY ORGANISATION,ACCORDING TO DR WEST UZONDU,A SPECIAL RESIDENT HAS BEEN PROCURED FOR YOU,ME AND HILARY FOR OUR MUTAUL TALK.
ON YOUR ARRIEVAL,WE SHALL HAVE A GOOD TALK TO KNOWING EACH OTHER FULLY WELL.DEARLING,I WISHED MY FATHER IS ALIVE TO WITNESS OUR MARRIAGE CEREMONY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,I TRUST YOU,BECAUSE YOU WILL MAKE IT A ROYAL WEDDING FOR BOTH OF US.I KNOW CNN WILL CARRY IT ALL OVER THE WORLD.
ON THE SIDE OF THE SECURITY ORGANISATION,DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO OPEN THE BOX,PAY OFF THEIR DEMURRAGES AND REQUEST THEM TO HANDOVER THE BOX TO YOU.I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW THE CONTENT OF THE BOX(THE BOX CONTAINS MONEY,us$18.5m.BUT IT IS LABELLED FAMILY TREASURE).BE ASSURED THAT I AM ON YOUR SIDE AS YOUR WIFE,LIKE I TOLD YOU FORMERLLY,WE WILL USE THE MONEY FOR INVESTMENT IN YOUR(OUR)COMPANY.
DEARLING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,I AM WAITING TO SEEING YOU ON YOUR ARRIEVAL.DO EMAIL ME TOO ON EVERY PROCEDURE UNTILL YOUR ARRIEVAL.TELL ME SWEET WORDS FOR I AM DYING TO SEEING YOU WITH MY WARMEST ARM AT THE AIRPORT.
WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU DEARLING.
I LOVE YOU,HAVE A SWEET NIGHT TILL TOMORROW,DON'T FORGET TO DREAM OF ME AS I WILL DO THE SAME.WITH LOVE FROM JOSEPHINE DIDDY.
I KISS YOU.
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"My Dearest Josephine,
Your letter was wonderful, as all your letters are. I have just been to the barber shop to get a nice haircut so I will look my best when we meet. I have even oiled my payes (earlocks), and bought a new tzitzit and a nice blue knitted yamulkeh just for you. I have been packing my suitcases, and am almost ready for the flight. I am shaking all over with excitement...excitement at meeting you, and of course excitement at the thought of all the money we will soon have for ourselves and our life together.
Do not worry, I will not mention anything about the money to Dr. Uzondu. You know I always had a good business sense. I always know what to do with people as far as business is concerned. Many times, business deals are presented to me which are not really suitable, and I have a 6th (SIXTH) sense about such things. This way I avoid difficulties, and only concern myself with solid transactions and solid people. For example, I know that you and Hillie are 100% (ONE HUNDRED PERCENT) solid people, reliable and trustworthy.
Some people might have difficulty ascertaining such things, but I have a gift for spotting sincere individuals. If a person is unreliable, or even dishonest, I can tell right away, even before I meet them! I hope you do not think I am bragging, but it is the truth, my dearest Josephine. When you say that you are on my side, I know deep in my heart that nothing bad could ever happen to me. I am indeed fortunate to have found such honest and supportive individuals as you and Hillie!
You mentioned that you will be cooking beef and rice for us. That is my favorite dish, after chicken grieven with oyster sauce! But my dear, we could just as easily go to a restaurant. However, if you would like to show me how well you can cook, it will be my pleasure to partake of such a meal. I am sure it will be delicious!
I only have one small request... you know, I travel frequently on business. But I am certainly never met at the airport by a lovely woman! In fact, I usually arrive alone, with no one at all to meet and greet me. When I see other people met by their loved ones, and presented with flowers, I always wish that it could be me! So, if you only could, will you meet me with a large bouquet of flowers? I do not mean a few little blossoms, but a big, colourful bouquet containing dozens of bright, fresh flowers. If it is a question of money, do not worry, I will more than repay you for this slight expense. But it would mean so much to me!! If it is absolutely impossible, I will understand. But if you could do this one small thing for me, I would see that your love for me is truly deep and that you are a caring person. Please do not tell me "yes" or "no" in an email. Just surprise me!! I am just so excited, my dearest girl. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, and I know I will remember the date April 16, 2002 for the rest of my life. I know that you will, too!
I am impressed that Dr. Uzondu has managed to relocate you and Hillie to a better domicile. Did he outlay any money to pay for the new house? As your husband, I cannot allow this, and I insist upon repaying him for any expenses he may have incurred in moving you to the new home. Please let me know how much he has spent, so I can immediately give him the money, without having to ask him how much he paid. I hope you understand this, but it is a question of honour.
I am a little concerned about going through airport customs with all the valuable watches, jewelry, and cash I will be carrying. Do you suggest that I declare it all upon my arrival, or should I conceal at least the watches and jewelry? Perhaps the customs inspectors in Abidjan will try to take advantage of the situation? Please advise me concerning the best way to proceed. I will trust your judgement, as I trust you in all matters.
I see that you have a sense of humour! You say that CNN will carry our wedding all over the world. Hahaha! That is very funny, Josephine dearest! I am very happy to see such a quality in you.
By the way, it would be wonderful if Hillie could join us in the Jewish religion. My family would appreciate that greatly, and it would bring us all so much closer as a family. Can you tell me please if Hillie has been circumcised? Do you know what that means? If you do not understand, tell me and I will explain it. If he has not been circumcised, do not worry. As a member of a Priestly family, I have performed many circumcisions for the children of my congregation. I would be honoured to perform this sacred duty for Hillie. Tell him not to worry, as I have very steady hands, if I have not been drinking too much schnapps.Ok, my dearest girl, I will say ZEI GEZUND for now.
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"
MY DEAREST DEARLING DIDDY,
I THANK YOU FOR YOUR INFORMATION ON HOW YOU WILL HIDE THE MONEY AND THE JEWERIES AND WATCHES YOU BOUGHT FOR ME.THERE IS NO POINT DECLAERING WHAT YOU HAVE FOR ME AND THE SECURITY DEMURRAGE AT THE AIRPORT.IF I WILL SUGGEST,YOU MAY HIDE THE MONEY IN A CIGARATE PACK, I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU SMOKE,JUST TAKE ONE OF THE PACKET IN A ROLL, EMPTY THE CIGARATE AND INCERT THE MONEY IN ALL THE PACKET PUT IT BACK AT THE ROLL.IN OTHER WAY,YOU CAN HIDE THE MONEY IN YOUR SUIT AND MY PRIVATE PART(paint)FOR THEY DO NOT SEARCH FORIEGNERS ESPECIALLY THE AMERICANS.THE SECURITY COMPANY HAS MADE ARRANGEMENT ON HOW TO PICK YOU UP AT THE AIRPORT.I WILL BE AT THE GATE WAITING FOR YOU WITH MY FLOWERS.AN ACCOMMODATION HAS BEEN ARRANGED FOR US.
DEARLING,I AM SO EXCITED TO SEEING YOU AT THE D DAY.ON THE SIDE OF THE SECURITY ORGANISATION,LIKE I SAID BEFORE,DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO OPEN THE BOX,PAY THEM OFF THEIR DEMURRAGE AND ALL THEY ASKED YOU TO DO,CARRY THE BOX FOR US TO MOVE,HILARY IS CIRCUMCISED BY OUR LATE FATHER BUT NOT IN OUR OWN RELIGION(hindus)BUT YOU CAN CIRCUMCISED HIM FOR OUR OWN BETTERMENT.DO REMEMBER THAT I AM ON YOUR SIDE.
I AM WAITING FOR YOUR ARRIEVAL.I LOVE YOU DEARLING AND MISSED YOU TOO TILL TUESDAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER.YOUR LOVELY JOSEPHINE DIDDY.
ARNOLD to "JOSEPHINE"Dearest Josephine,
Thank you for your fine letter. Yes it is amazing about the flowers! This proves that we are meant for each other.
About hiding the money...I don't think you have any idea just how bulky all that cash is! It will never fit inside a cigarette box. I was going to bring a special small metal suitcase to carry it. On your advice I will not declare it. If you are sure that I or my luggage won't be searched, I will simply put it under my clothes in my large suitcase. The cash will take up most of the room in the suitcase. I am bringing several suitcases.
You mentioned that there has been accommodation arranged for us. Will we be staying together? I hope so. Can you tell me the address where we will be staying? Or the telephone number, so I can leave it with my mother in case of emergency?
I will be bringing my circumcision knife with me. I will examine Hilly and confirm that he has been properly circumcised. If not, it will be a small matter for me to finish the job, in my capacity as a "mohel", and in accordance with our rules. That way he will be sure to enter the USA, when the time comes, in the proper condition to join our religion. Please tell him not to worry. It is sometimes an almost painless operation. He should recover and be walking again after only a few days.
You also mentioned that Hillie was not circumcised according to the Hindu religion, and that your own religion is Hindu. You wrote:
But I thought you are all Christians. Or did I misunderstand something?
I cannot believe that we will be meeting each other in just a couple of days! I am all packed and ready to go! It will be a very long flight, so I hope we can go directly to our place of residence so I can rest a bit, and freshen up.
Please, dear Josephine, write to me now, as I love reading your letters.Love,
"JOSEPHINE" to ARNOLDMY DEAREST DEARLING DIDDY,
I READ YOUR MAIL WITH ULTIMATE INTEREST AND HAPPINESS.SORRY ONCE AGAIN FOR THE LATE REPLY,I HAVE BEEN RUNING ARROUND TO SEEING THAT ALL ARRANGEMENT IS BEEN MADE TO YOUR ARRIEVAL.LIKE I USUALLY SAY,YOU ARE MY BLOOD,NOTHING WILL SEPARATE YOU FROM ME;I MEAN,NO MAN BORN OF A WOMAN CAN DO THAT,MY LOVE FOR YOU HAS GONE TO A GREAT EXTEEM,I AM YOUR FLESH,GOD KNOWS THAT(SORRY TO USE THIS WORD,I ‘M USED TO IT).
I DID UNDERSTAND ALL YOU HAVE SAID CONCERNING THE WAY YOU ARE COMING IN WITH THE CASH,I KNOW IT IS MUCH JUST DO IT THE WAY IT WILL SUITE BOTH OF US.THE SECURITY OFFICERS WILL TAKE YOU OUT OF THE AIRPORT,I WILL BE AT THE GATE WAITING FOR YOU WITH THE FLOWERS.THIS IS ONE OF THE ARRANGEMENT THE SECURITY ORGANISATION HAS MADE TO SECURE YOUR ARRIEVAL. AT THE IMMIGRATION AND CUSTOM GATE AT THE AIRPORT,DO NOT TELL THEM YOUR MISSION OF COMING ONLY TELL THEM YOU HAVE COME TO SEE YOUR WIFE JOSEPHINE AND YOUR INLAWS,IT IS CONFIDENTIAL.AT THE LODGEMENT,THE SECURITY ORGANISATION IS ACCOMMODATING US AND WE HAVE A NUMBER THAT IS CO FORWARDED TO A HANDY WHICH YOU CAN USE TO BE REACHED AT,YOU CAN SEE,IT IS THE NUMBER I GAVE YOU FORMERLLY TO REACH ME;+225-07-752005 ANY TIME.YOU CAN GIVE THAT NUMBER TO YOUR PEOPLE TO REACH YOU HERE IN ABIDJAN.
ON THE SIDE OF HILLY’S CIRCUMSCISION,I DID MENTIONED THAT HE WAS CIRCUMSCISED BY OUR LATE FATHER,IT IS BASED ON THE CHRISTAIN RELIGION NOT HINDUS.I AM ONLY SAYING THAT HE CAN BE RE-CIRCUMSCISED ON OUR OWN RELIGION(hindus)THIS IS BECAUSE,I WANT HIM TO BE IN LINE WITH OUR WORSHIP WHEN WE GET TO THE U.S.A.
MY FAMILY IS A CHRISTAIN FAMILY,WE CAME FROM FREE TOWN THE CAPITAL CITY OF SIERRA-LEONE.OUR LATE PARENTS WORSHIPPED IN A PROTESTANT CHURCH. BEING A CHRISTAIN HE INDUSED US INTO FOLLOWING GOD’S WAY OF LIFE,I WAS BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON,MY FATHER WAS A MINISTER OF MINES AND POWER BEFORE HIS UNTIMELY DEATH BY THE REBELS THAT KILLED HIM.THE KILLING OF MY PARENTS SCARTTERED MY DREAMS OF BECOMING WHAT I WANT TO BE,BUT YOUR INTERVENTION IN MY LIFE BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE AS I KNOW I WILL GAIN ALL I HAVE LOST.WITH YOU,MY DREAMS COMES TRUE.
DEARLING,I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,I AM WAITING TOMORROW TO SEEING YOU AT THE AIRPORT,AS I KNOW YOU ARE PREPARING TO ENTER FLIGHT.I DRESSED AS I DID MENTION TO YOU.I WILL SAY ZEI GEZUND TILL WE MEET TOMORROW.YOUR LOVELY DEARLING,
"JOSEPHINE" to ARNOLDMY DEAREST DEARLING DIDDY,
I FELT HUMULIATED HAVING WAITED FOR YOU AT THE AIRPORT,I WAS FULL WITH SHAME,I CANNOT FACE THE WORLD ANYLONGER WITH FLOWERS AT MY ARMS AND MY BELOVED ONE NOT ON THE FLIGHT,I KEPT GUESSING LIKE A WIDOW WHILE ALL THE PASSANGERS DESEMBARKED FROM THE PLANE,AIR FRANCE BOEING 702 FROM PARIS BY 18.50pm,WHAT A DISGRACE,AN AGORNEY,A SHOCK.
IF ONE SHOULD TELL ME THAT MY ONE AND ONLY DIDDY COULD DO THIS TO ME,I WILL NOT BELIEVE HIM.I NEVER KNEW WHAT IS CALLED DISAPPOINTMENT IN LIFE UNTILL YOU GAVE ME ONE.WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?WAS THERE ANY PROBLEM?OR SHOULD I SAY WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TELLING ME IS ALL FALACY?WHAT COULD BE THE CAUSE OF ALL THESE?I SWEAR PROSTERITY WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU;YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME,WHAT REALLY SHOWS THIS? IS THIS HOW YOU WILL KEEP ME AS A WIFE? MY DREAMS SCHATTERED ALL OF A SUDDEN,WHEN I TAUGHT I HAVE YOU AS MY LAST HOPE.
DIDDY,EXPAIN TO ME AS I WILL BE BACK TO THE CAMP TO SUFFER AFTER TELLING MY FRIENDS THAT I AM LEAVING.TALK TO ME FOR I WILL DIE NOT TO SEE YOU NO MORE. YOUR LOVELY DEARLING,
ARNOLD to "HILARY/JOSEPHINE/UZONDU"Dear Hilary,
Sorry I missed you at the airport.
Imagine this, if you will: A man receives a letter from Africa informing him that a trunk is being held in the vault of a security company, and that the trunk contains millions of dollars. He is told that if only he will help to get the cash out of the country he will win a percentage of the money, several million dollars. He agrees, and is told he must pay a fee, say, $5550 (FIVE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED FIFTY US DOLLARS), to set the "transaction" in motion.
He travels to Africa and is welcomed with great friendliness. But he finds that he also must pay the "demurrage" on the trunk... a huge amount of money. But since he thinks the trunk contains millions, and since he has already paid thousands of dollars, he reluctantly pays the fee on the trunk.
He is treated royally by his hosts, he is taken to nice restaurants (which he pays for), and smiles are the order of the day.
At last the great moment arrives. The trunk is brought before him and opened. Oh no! The cash is covered with a black dye which completely defaces it, rendering it useless! His heart sinks even lower. But don't worry, if a certain chemical is applied to the money, it will be washed clean, and once again be good for spending. He watches as the chemical is applied to the money, and sure enough, it becomes a fresh new one hundred dollar bill!
But wait! There is not enough of the chemical to clean the rest of the money! They must purchase more. "No problem", he thinks. But wait again! The chemical will cost tens of thousands of dollars!! At this point he begins to see his hosts with new eyes. Maybe they are criminals? Imagine, dear friend, the sinking feeling this man is experiencing, much worse than the sinking feeling you are now experiencing! All you lost was time and convenience, and maybe a few dollars for flowers. He has lost many thousands of dollars.
You see, dear Hillie, I have been onto you from DAY ONE! Yes, YOU HAVE BEEN SCAMMED!! All the time you were writing to me as "Josephine" (Hillie, that is just SICK!!), not to mention "Dr. Uzondu", you were laughing at my stupidity, right? You thought you had snared a real idiot. But all that time, I was the one laughing at YOU! Hahaha! :)
Do you know how many letters from 419 guys I get in my email? I think I received at least 20 in the last 3 months, mostly, of course, from Nigeria. They come from "officials" in the Petroleum Corporation, with their over-invoiced contracts; "officials" at banks wishing to get their hands on accounts left there by foreigners who died in plane crashes; "wives" of deceased military leaders; "sons" of deposed or murdered high officials (that's you, Hillie!).
Got that sinking feeling? Well, even though, as I say, I was onto you from the start, you did do some really stupid things. Take note:
1) No official document from a security company would contain so much bad English. Go to school and learn English grammar, won't you?
[We at ScamO hope they don't. It's so much funnier as it is.]
2) The signatures on those documents looked ridiculous, like Chinese, and were obviously written by the same person.
3) What security company would charge TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS A DAY for storage??? Maybe your usual procedure is to show this to your intended victim only after he has forked over lots of cash already.
4) The email address of the security company, "se_2000@yahoo" or whatever, was created the same day the letter was sent! REALLY STUPID!
5) What security company would move people out of a refugee camp to a residential area? You told me this because you never were in a camp, and this would explain why I would never see a camp when I arrived there. See who the idiot really is, dear Hillie?
I tried my best to help you. I repeatedly wrote ridiculous things in my letters, to give you a chance to see that I was only playing with you. But you know what? Here is the interesting thing:
The same greed that you inspire in your victims, which destroys their sense of logic and judgement, I CREATED IN YOU! You were willing to believe anything I wrote, so deluded were you in your greed, in your desperation to have my money. By the way, I have no company, no boat, no large beautiful home, no string of polopponies...
I wrote about crocodiles and bloody teeth in a dream, circumcising you myself, that I could not eat yellow food, and on and on. And the most ridiculous of all... what kind of ignoramus would declare his undying love to a complete stranger he has never met, after only one meaningless email???
Hillie, ALL THAT IS JUST UNBELIEVABLE! But you believed it all, every word, because you are so greedy you could not think straight!
Well, that's it for now. I will be expecting to receive your "how could you do this to me?" letter from "Josephine" real soon, as I know how grimly tenacious you guys are.
If you decide not to write back at this moment, do let me know how you are doing from time to time, ok? I feel we are now friends for life, and I look forward to visiting you in your country one day. Perhaps we could visit the grave of your parents (save those flowers!).
Ah, I see from my email that you have already sent the "how could you do this to me?" letter. You guys are SO predictable!Best of luck, and ZEI GEZUND!
Waldo Fleckenhurst (my real name)