"MAN MUST WAK" - FANNERMAN SENDS A LAD TO SCHOOL

It doesn't get much funnier than this, although the humor may be most apparent to real fans of the genre. Fans of Fannerman will be delighted as the CEO of BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE-BABIES INC. engages the Lad on their own terms and convinces them to keep rewriting their letters for better effect. Hold on to your sides as the Lads try to write a fish story.

APRIL 2002: LAD TO ARNOLD

TO YOUR MERCY
Dear Sir,

My name is Mrs Mariam Z. Musthapha , the wife of Michael Covo Musthapha, who was a Minister under the leadership of president AHMED TEJAN KABBAH of Sierra Leone. During the political crises in my country, my husband was arrested and killed. Before his death, he handed over to me the sum of US$24.8 million dollars which is under my control now. As the political atmostphire of Sierra Leone is very dengerous, I fled with the money to a neighbouring country Ivory Coast(Cote D' Ivoire).The money is of no criminal origin as it was largely realise from black market sale of alluvialgold dust . To ensure the safety of the money, I have lodged it in a finance company since one year now.Sir, I want to move this money out of Ivory Coast and invest it in a profitable venture abroad. In fact, I am not feeling safe here in Ivory Coast because the political situation is not stable and I don't want to loose this money. Please could you assist me to transfer this money to any suitable country abroad and invest it in profitable venture in your country or any other suitable country where you have good connections. I would like the money to be managed in a profitable manner preferably a joint venture business with your company. The procedure for the transfer of the fund to your country is such that you will not run any risk . We will have proper banking trails to show the money is an investment fund.For your assistance , you will get 20% of the total amount of US$ 24.8 million , I will give you further details of the plans. Your assistance is highly needed.

Best regards
Mrs Mariam Z. Mustapha and Idris (Son)


ARNOLD to LAD

Oh yes, I would be willing to help, and to become a millionaire. Please tell me how I can do this. I own a company that manufactures plastic worms for bass fishermen. Maybe we can use my company to receive the money? What do you think?

Best
Liberace

LAD TO ARNOLD

ATT: Liberance,

Dear si,

It is to our utmost gratitude to respond to your positive response to our letter indicating your willingness and co-operation to work with us as partners to our proposed investment program which we are anticipating to be held in your country.

First and foremost,we want to use this medium to remind you ones again of our present situation as refugees,bear in mind again that we are restricted from many things,freedom of movement and public activities of which these are one of the reasons we have contacted you and to involve you to spearhead the transaction.To complete the transaction by"MOVING THE FUND" ourselves from Africa might be difficult without your full involvement hence we are isolated from plubic areas for security reasons,base on these,herein stated as procedure the way we thought it wise to handle the transaction to a successful end without hitch.

PROCEDURE:

(1)You will be required to nominate an account overeas where you wish the fund to be transfered,your company's account may be appropriate

(2)There will be need for your visiting to Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire to front on our behalf in the withdrawal of the said consignment(the box containing the fund)from the security company,and for further lodgement into a local bank here for onward remittance to an account which you will nominate.

(3)On your arrival and after withdrawing the consignment from the security company,you will be required to open an account in your name for the lodgement of the fund.

(4)There will be a mutual agreement to be sign by the both parties to enble us know our roles and benefit in the transaction,this will be contracted to an attorney to prepare.

(5)To actualise the remittance,it may be wise to change the ownershp of the consignment by the security company to your name and address before withdrawing to enable us have a smooth lodgement of the fund in a bank here,in consideration of this,we shall apply to the security company for a change of beneficiary after receiving your next message,and this should be the first step.

However,after successful remittance of the fund to overseas,we shall like to invest part of the money in real estate management,shares and stocks,while part of the fund should be invested in partnership with your esteem company or where you deemed necessary and profitable,but bear in mind that all the investment will be monitored and handled by you for many years as it would be stated in our mutual agreement.

When all these are over,there will be need for our relocation to your country to enable us regain our freedom.

We would like constant communication daily mainly on telephone conversation ontill this transaction is over to enable us facilitate and conclude the business without delay as we have estimated a short period to finalise the transaction,our telephone number "private 225-05-82-84-27,you can get us at any time with this number.Endeavour to include yours in your next reply.

We are wishing you the best time and Allah to bless us all.

Mrs.Mariam Mustapha and Son Idris(for the family)

ARNOLD TO LAD

Dear Mariam:

Thank you for your quick reply! I can see that you are serious about this business, and so am I, I assure you. I will be able to nominate the business account of my plastic worm company ("BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE-BABIES INC.") to receive the funds. As you may know, bass-fishing is one of the fastest-growing sports in America. Some 465,000 tons (930 million pounds) of largemouth, and 248,000 tons of smallmouth bass are caught every year in my country by sportsmen. A large quantity of these fish are caught via the plastic worm, which has long been known to be the most successful method for catching these wily creatures of lake and stream.

So it will not be a problem to claim a large order of plastic worms to be sent to your country. In fact, it might be useful for you to write some emails to me at this address, which is famous throughout the bass-fishing world, inviting me to advise you how the bass fishing business might be developed in your country.

Let me give you some background, so our operation may proceed 100% hitch-free. The Largemouth Bass (Micropterus Salmonides) is the most popular fresh-water sportfish in the world. It is a voracious feeder, and prefers to hide (lurk) behind growth or objects ("structure") in the water and then pounce and inhale smaller fish or other prey with its extremely "large" mouth. That is why it is known as the "largemouth" bass, because of the size of its mouth, which is quite "large", and therefore the fish is named after the size of its mouth, this being so "large" that it was deemed suitable to name the fish the "largemouth" bass, due to the size of the opening of this organ, its mouth, which, being extremely "large" is the most distinctive feature of this animal, and has therefore influenced the very naming and identification of the fish, the "largemouth" bass, so called due to the size of its mouth, which is excessively "large" in comparison with the same organ of other species of fishes.

This fish is responsible for billions of dollars in profit every year, and has made me a comfortable man, if my modesty may escape me. The plastic worm has proven to be absolutely irresistible to these creatures. To dangle one of our purple "GRAPE-A-LISHUS" models before a largemouth bass is as if to dangle a strong liquor before an alcoholic, or a chocolate tart before an obese and gluttonous woman. This is the key to my company's success, and let it be the key to ours as well.

What I need from you is this. You will write me an email explaining that you are an entrepreneur who is a lifelong sportsman, and you are interested in becoming an import agent for the well known BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABIES plastic worm. You will ask me the best way to market them, and ask other advice meant to ensure the success of your enterprise. This will provide a solid background for our own private business, and will set my mind to rest, so that I will be able to proceed with all haste with the transaction.

Can you recommend some good hotels in the area where I can stay when the time comes? How much money will I need to bring with me? I can withdraw any amount from "Eat-M-UP"... that is the advantage to being the sole owner!

Upon completion of the transaction, I will be happy to hook you up with some real estate agents who will show you some fine homes. May I suggest the city of Gary, Indiana? It is home to the finest people in our country, and is the garden-spot of the United States. There was even a song written about it, called "Gary Indiana". Maybe you know it? It goes:

"Gary Indiana Gary Indiana Gary Indiaaaaanaaaaa...."

This city, however, is not well-publicised, as the residents do not wish to be invaded by sharp-dressing Hollywood types or vain and bragadocious people. In short, it is "exclusive", and well-kept.

My only question relative to our transaction is that of taxes. Surely the transfer of such a large amount of money will be noticed by the Revenue Authorities here. Would you suggest opening an offshore account? Please advise, as I want to complete our transaction as soon as possible.

Please write to me at this address inquiring after the plastic worm business, asking for all particulars regarding the use of plastic worms, and the dispersal of same throughout the marketplaces of your country.

Best

Liberace

LAD TO ARNOLD

Dear Mr.Liberance,

We are in receipt of your recent letter advisig us the way to proceed in this transaction and we have as well complied accordingly.The idea using your company's account is well appreciated as such account will accommodate a huge fund of this nature.

We also want to thank you for your wide experience in business world and hope that you will deliver this transction successfully.Also we are glad for the arrangement of our relocation to the city of GARY INDIANA which is recommended by you.

As regards to a hotel for your lodging,here in Abidjan we have good hotels with nice facilities situated in the heart of the town,we have 5 stars hotels,4 stars and 3 stars hotels,receiving your schedule,we shall make a reservation to a good one.

Again,mr.Liberance,after receiving your recent letter and viewing your moral and zeal to conclude this transaction at earliest possible as we have estimated a limited period of time to conclude the transaction,it will interest you to know that we have already went to the company where the consignment is deposited for safe custody and an application submitted for a change of ownership to your name and address to pave way for a smooth lodgement of the fund in a bank for an onward remittance to your account,after the application is made,the company told us that you our partner will be required to write a similar application sent to them proving that we are in accordance.

Base on this,we have attached a specimen of the application which you will be required to sign and resend directly to the company for their perusal.

Therefore we will like you to update us with your earliest possible time to meet with us here for final phase of the transaction.

Thank you and God bless us all,

Mrs.mariam Z Mustapha and Son Idris.


LAD MASQUERADING AS BANK GUY TO ARNOLD

The Operational Director,
Viga Assistance Securities S.A.R.L
13 BP 496 Abidjan 13
Tel:225-077-29-664
Fax:225-21-754-351,or 21-754-046
Email:VigaAss-SecuritiesCI@onebox.com
Republic of Cote dIvoire

RE : APPLICATION OF CHANGE OF BENEFICIARY
MRS. MARIAM Z. MUSTAPHA

Dear Sir,

Please be advise that I wish to apply to your esteemed office to change the beneficiary of the consignment for the above referenced person /account under your care. The name of depositor of the said consignment is Mrs Mariam Z. Mustapha of N 12 Mende Avenue, (Freetown ) Sierra Leone with reference N 887/CCPA/303/43180

The security code N of the consignment is VIGA /ASS/Z5/212 and the deposit code is VZZZYZXCPA. For further verification purposes, the(Family treasure) consignment was deposited with your security company on the 13th January 2000 for keeping purposes.

Please change the beneficiary of this consignment to my name and address as follows ;
Mr.---------------------
P.O. Box----------------
City,State and Country------------

As is required, I am well aware of rules and regulations governing the clearance of consignments with your security company and will abide by the said rules and regulations.

Thank you in advance for your assistance this matter. Please contact me should you have any questions or concerns.

Best regards,

Mr.--------------------


LAD TRIES TO WRITE THE LETTER ARNOLD WANTED

ATT:BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE INC.

DEAR LIBERANCE,

WE ARE GLAD TO INTRODUCE OUR ENTERPRISE AS A LIFELONG SPORTSMAN LOCATED IN ABIDJAN, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL CITY OF COTE D'IVOIRE IN WEST AFRICA.

WE ARE HIGHLY INTERESTED IN BECOMING AN IMPORT AGENT OF YOUR COMPANY,THE KNOWN BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABIES PLASTIC WORM.

UNDOUBTEDLY,WE KNOW THAT YOUR BASS-FISHING IS ONE OF THE FASTEST GROWING SPORTS IN AMERICA AND HAS DISTINCTIVE QUALITIES AND CHARACTERISTICS.BASED ON YOUR WIDE EXPERIENCE REGARDING THIS FIELD,WE HUMBLY REQUEST THAT YOU OFFER US YOUR ADVISE ON THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE AND MARKET THE AFORESAID PRODUCT, AND MORESO,WE SHALL APPRECIATE OTHER PROFESSIONAL ADVISE YOU MAY OFFER TO ENSURE THE SUCCESS OF OUR ENTERPRISE.WE DO BELIEVE THAT WITH YOUR EXPERTISE KNOWLEDGE WHEN TRANSFERED TO US WILL IMPROVE OUR SKILLS AND POTENTIALITIES.

YOUR MAXIMUM CO-OPERATION IS HIGHLY NEEDED TO VISIT ABIDJAN COTE D'IVOIRE TO EXTEND THIS PROFESSIONAL SERVICES TO OUR HONOURABLE ENTERPRISE.

HOPING TO HEAR FROM YOU ASAP.

MRS.MARIAM Z MUSTAPHA.

ARNOLD CORRECTS THE LETTER

Dear Mariam:

Thank you so much for your speedy response. I can see that you pay attention to detail, and have a good sense of what is required. This makes me extremely hopeful that our transaction will be completed successfully.

However, there are a few matters which I beg you to correct. My name is well known in the sporting world here, and it is very important that you write it correctly. You have written "LIBERANCE". There is no "N" in the name. It is "LIBERACE". As you know, I cannot alter the content of a received email. I must ask you to send the letter again, using my correct name..."Liberace".

While you do that, please, add some more particulars to your letter, such as if it is possible to store large amounts of the worms (to account for a large order), and please ask about the possibility of importing machines for their manufacture (to explain the ordering of expensive machinery).

I am not familiar with business methods in your country. But in my own, it is absolutely unheard of to commence a business association of this nature without some personal communication. Believe me, Mariam, when I tell you that this is of the utmost importance! The country of Japan has a similar custom, as you may know. I would like you, please, to relate to me (Liberace) a personal experience you had (invent one, of course) while using the Blue Crescent Eat-M-Up Wiggle Baby plastic worm.

You may think that this is a useless distraction, but I assure you, Mariam, it will lend vital credibility to our business relationship without which I could not imagine proceeding to our desired result. Simply, if you will, make up a "tall tale" about an experience you had while fishing with one of my products. May I suggest that you speak of catching a large number of largemouth bass while fishing with the "Strawberry Stinker", one of the most popular and successful models of my plastic worms.

Please be as detailed as possible, mentioning the time of day, weather conditions, exactly where you were fishing, and at the same time, mention how much better my product is than others you have used in the past. THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE! I am sure that you know best how to do business in your own country. Please take my word that I know what is best in my own. I understand that I am asking you to lie, while you seem to me to be an honourable person. But considering the large payoff expected in our transaction, you may feel justified in relaxing your high moral standards in this instance.

Again, please make your letter as detailed as possible. You must give the impression that you are not only a businessperson, but are also an enthusiastic fisherman. It would be helpful if you were to tell me in your letter that you have fished since your childhood, and that fishing is an important part of your life.

I eagerly await the fruits of our labours, and I can assure you that I will comply with every detail of our transaction, diligently performing whatever you say is required of me, with the same thoroughness I am asking you to exhibit in this letter. Once we have established a firm bond, I will have no fears or hesitation about continuing the process until the happy day when we are counting the money together in your country. I am very excited about the prospect of completing this matter to our mutual benefit.

Please tell me exactly what you require of me relative to the "change of ownership" letter you have sent to me, addressed to the security company, so I may best comply with your wishes.

Best, and God bless you and your family,

Liberace

LAD TO ARNOLD

Dear Mr.LIBERACE,

We have receive your letter and contents well noted and understood.In your mail, we did understand that you want our letter addressed to your company to be more comprehensive.As you know,we are not actually in the field of fishing and as such we have little or no idea concerning the said profession as to satisfy your desire, base on this, we feel the best thing to do is requesting your assistance in ths area.Please could you do us this favour,to draft exactly what you want from us and send for us to re-write and send back to you,in this way,we will be able to furnish you with what you require for actualising the transaction from your end.Please don't be discourage but rather understand our feelings that we are novice to this."eg" LIKE THE CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP APPLICATION WHICH THE COMPANY IS REQUESTING FROM YOU,knowing that you don't have much idea of such,that is the reason we gave you a specimen to enable the company accept and approve the change to your favour. This is exactly how we should handle these matters in order to have a successful result. So after receiving the specimen from you,we shall resend to you according to your instructions.

As regards to the application for the change of beneficiary, you are required to retype the application,sign and send directly to the security company for their approval pending your arrival for onward withdrawal and subsequent lodgement in the bank.Be reminded that our intention of changing the consignment in your favour is to pave way for a smooth lodgement of the fund in the bank.Therefore,we will be glad you send the application in the receipt of this letter hence the company is expecting to receive same from you.The operational director requested for your telephone and fax numbers,please include this when replying.Remenber to inform us after sending.

Thanks and God bless us all,

Mrs.Mariam mustapha and Son Idris.


ARNOLD ASKS FOR MORE CORRECTIONS

Dear Mariam:

Sorry for the delay, as my business has occupied much of my time here recently. I am working on closing a contract for the distribution of my fishing lures in Mauritania, as we continue to make headway in our efforts at worldwide distribution of the EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY product line.

To continue...you must compose a letter to me, "Liberace" (no "Mr" please) in which you will relate to me an experience you had while fishing with my "Strawberry Stinker" model plastic worm. You know your local geography far better than I, so choose a body of water, and describe an outing you had during which you used this product and found it to be far more successful than any other similar product you have used in the past. THE MORE DETAIL THE BETTER! PLEASE USE YOUR IMAGINATION!

For example: "The weather was perfect for fishing, the sky was overcast and a low pressure system was moving in from the north. .." This sort of thing. You will then describe how you saw a large bass (fish) in the water and sent the plastic worm to that spot. As soon as the worm hit the water, the fish pounced upon it with all fury. You battled with the fish for some time. The fish was so strong you thought he would pull your arms off. The battle raged for at least 2 hours, until you brought into the boat a 95 pound largemouth bass. When you removed the worm from his mouth the great fish lunged for it yet again, in the bottom of the boat, so desperate was he to consume the "Strawberry Stinker".

Then you will say that surely such a magnificent plastic worm can be the source of great profits to you, were you to sell this product in your country. In fact, this product, you feel, would open up all sorts of opportunities to develop the sport of bass fishing, and therefore you are greatly interested in investing in the "EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY" line. You will also add (VERY IMPORTANT!) that you feel that if the youth of your country were to spend more time bass fishing than causing trouble and behaving in criminal fashion, the country would be better off morally and socially. This will add credibility to your great desire to distribute the product. You will also ask me how much it would cost to import the machines to make the worms.

The name of the machine is a WORMIATOR PLASTIC BAIT EXTRUDER. Please ask for the machine BY NAME, as it will show that you are serious enough to have done some research into the matter.

The longer and more detailed your fishing story is, the better the result will be, as it will show your extreme enthusiasm for the product, and will help to explain why you are willing to devote such a large sum towards its manufacture and sale. It is important that you try to take the information I have just told you and FIT IT TO YOUR OWN WORDS. TRY TO COMMUNICATE REAL EXCITEMENT, AS IF THE EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY IS THE GREATEST PRODUCT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE. This will be of immense help on my end, please take my word for it. The more genuine excitement you can communicate, the safer I will feel about proceeding with the transaction.

Once this is done, we may proceed quickly and complete the transaction. I am very excited about this opportunity you have placed before me, and I truly thank you for thinking of me.

Please reply as soon as possible.

Best

Liberace

LAD TRIES AGAIN

ATTN:BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE INC.

DEAR LIBERACE,

WE ARE GLAD TO INTRODUCE OUR ENTERPRISE AS A LIFELONG SPORTSMAN LOCATED IN ABIDJAN,THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL CITY OF COTE D'IVOIRE IN WEST AFRICA,BORDERING THE NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN,BETWEEN GHANA AND LIBERIA. THE COUNTRY IS GEOGRAPHICALLY CORDINATED 800N AND 500W WITH TOTAL AREA 322,460 SQ KM, THE LAND AREA COVERS 318,000 SQ KM WHILE THE WATER AREA IS 4,460 SQ KM.

FISHING IS GENERALLY AVAILABLE IN COTE D'IVOIRE THROUGH OUT THE YEAR.THE BEST FISHING PERIOD HOWEVER IS BETWEEN JUNE TO SEPTEMBER.THIS PERIOD PROVIDES EXCELLENT SPORTS FISHING FOR BIG YELLOW FISH TUNA,ONE OF THE STRONGEST FISH IN THE OCEAN.MORETHAN 250 SPECIES OF FISH CAN BE CAUGHT THROUGH FLY,LINE,GAME,SURF OR REEF FISHING.THE MERGING OF THE COOL ATLANTIC AND THE WARM COAST CREATES A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF THE GAME FISH,INCLUDING MARLIN AND TUNA.BIG BLUE MARLIN AND A NUMBER OF STRIPED AND BLACK MARLIN ARE ALSO FOUND AS WELL SAIFISH.

WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE HIGHLY INTERSETED IN BECOMING AN IMPORT AGENT OF YOUR COMPANY-THE KNOWN CRESCENT EAT -M-UP WIGGLE BABIES PLASTIC WARM.WE FANCY AND DEEMED YOUR PRODUCT VERY ESSENTIAL IN OUR FISHING INDUSTRY DUE TO IT'S DISTINCTIVE CHARACTERISTICS AND QUALITIES WHICH ENHANCES AND INCREASES THE EFFECIENCY AND OUR OUTPUT.

IT WILL INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT AFTER APPLYING DIFFERENT FISHING METHODS, WE RECOMMEND AND APPRECIATE YOUR "STRAWBERRY STINKER" MODEL PLASTIC WORM.THIS PRODUCT AFTER USAGE PROVED TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ANY OTHER SIMILAR PRODUCTS WE HAVE USED IN THE PAST.WE WERE VERY MUCH EXCITED AND IMPRESSED ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS WE USED YOUR PRODUCT AS A MATTER OF FACT.

AT THIS STAGE WE DEEMED IT NECESSARY TO THROW MORE LIGHT IN OUR ENTHUSIASM REGARDING YOUR PRODUCT BY STATING A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE IN ONE OF OUR FISHING OUTINGS.THIS EXPERIENCE TOOK PLACE AT OUR NORMAL FISHING TERRITORY (BASSAM BEACH )IT WAS ONE FAITHFUL DAY, THE WEATHER WAS PERFECT FOR FISHING,THE SKY WAS OVERCAST AND A LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM WAS MOVING IN FROM THE NORTH.IT WAS A SURPISE WHEM WE SAW A LARGE BASS(FISH) IN THE WATER AND WE SENT THE PLASTIC WORM TO THAT SPORT,AS SOON AS THE WORM HIT THE WATER,THE FISH POUNCED UPON IT WITH ALL FURY. I BATTLED WITH THE FISH FOR SOME TIME.THE FISH WAS SO STRONG TO THE EXTENT THAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD PULL MY ARMS OFF.THE BATTLE RANGED FOR AT LEAST 2 HOURS,UNTILL I BROUGHT INTO THE BOAT A 95 POUND LARGEMOUNTH BASS.WHEN I REMOVED THE WORM FROM HIS MOUNTH THE GREAT FISH LUNGED FOR IT YET AGAIN,IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BOAT,SO DESPERATE WAS IT TO CONSUME THE "STROWBERRY STINKER".

CONSIDERING THIS PARTICULAR EVENT, WE COULD THEREFORE COMFIRM THAT SUCH A MAGNIFICENT PLASTIC WORM CAN BE THE SOURCE OF GREAT PROFITS TO US,WERE WE TO SELL YOUR PRODUCT IN OUR COUNTRY.IN FACT,THIS PRODUCT,WE FEEL,WOULD OPEN UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO DEVELOP THE SPORT OF BASS FISHING,AND THEREFORE WE ARE GREATLY INTERESTED IN INVESTING IN THE "EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY" LINE.AS A MATTER OF SINCERITY,WE FEEL THAT IF THE YOUTH OF OUR COUNTRY WERE TO SPEND MORE TIME IN BASS FISHING,THAN CAUSING TROUBLE AND BEHAVING IN CRIMINAL FASHION,OUR COUNTRY WOULD BE BETTER OFF MORALLY AND SOCIALLY.

VERY IMPORTANT,WE WILL LIKE TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST US TO IMPORT THE MACHINES TO MAKE THE WORMS.THE NAME OF THE MACHINE IS A WORMIATOR PLASTIC BAIT EXTRUDER.

BASE ON THE CHARACTERISTICS OF YOUR PRODUCTS AND YOUR WIDE EXPERIENCE REGARDING THIS FIELD,WE HUMBLY REQUEST THAT YOU VISIT US HERE IN COTE D'IVOIRE FOR FURTHER NEGOTIATION AND ARRANGEMENT ON THE IMPORTATION OF THIS PRODUCT AND MORESO,TO INCULCATE YOUR PROFESSIONAL KNOWLEDGE AND TECHNICAL KNOW-HOW TO US FOR MORE EXPANSION OF OUR FISHING INDUSTRY.

YOURS SINCERLY,

MARIAM AND IDRIS MUSTAPHA.


ARNOLD WITH ONE MORE PICKY DETAIL

Dear Mariam and Idris:

Great job! Your letter is exactly what we need to ensure a successful outcome. Your description of your country's location, resources and area were excellent. This kind of letter will help us immensely!

Except for one very important detail. I speak of the 5th (fifth) paragraph, where you speak of your specific fishing outing. If you check the last email I sent, you will see that I asked you to describe an experience IN YOUR OWN WORDS. The reason this is so important is that the story I related to you, and which you copied word-for-word, is a well known story which was recently published in "WORM WORLD" magazine. This magazine has a very wide industry readership, and it will easily be seen that your testimonial is not a true and original experience of your own. I only used it as an example, a template if you will, that you may use as a guideline for your own story.

Please understand that THIS IS VITAL to the success of the transaction. PLEASE, don't give up when we are so close to a successful conclusion. You know as well as I do that millions of dollars are at stake. Therefore we must be as careful as possible to do things just right - there is no room for error.

If you would simply INVENT AN ORIGINAL STORY, having a similar overall character BUT NOT EXACTLY THE SAME, as the story I told you, the letter will be perfect. Your story does not have to be authentic. Just give it your PERSONAL TOUCH, and it will be believed, I assure you.

Again, please rework the letter as soon as possible, as I would like to get my hands on the contents of the trunk as soon as possible. I know that we will have it very soon, as I can see that you are serious about it, and are trying very hard to proceed in the correct manner.

God bless you and your family,

Liberace

LAD TRIES YET AGAIN

ATTN:BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE INC.

DEAR LIBERACE,

WE ARE GLAD TO INTRODUCE OUR ENTERPRISE AS A LIFELONG SPORTSMAN LOCATED IN ABIDJAN,THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL CITY OF COTE D'IVOIRE IN WEST AFRICA,BORDERING THE NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN,BETWEEN GHANA AND LIBERIA. THE COUNTRY IS GEOGRAPHICALLY CORDINATED 800N AND 500W WITH TOTAL AREA 322,460 SQ KM, THE LAND AREA COVERS 318,000 SQ KM WHILE THE WATER AREA IS 4,460 SQ KM.

FISHING IS GENERALLY AVAILABLE IN COTE D'IVOIRE THROUGH OUT THE YEAR.THE BEST FISHING PERIOD HOWEVER IS BETWEEN JUNE TO SEPTEMBER.THIS PERIOD PROVIDES EXCELLENT SPORTS FISHING FOR BIG YELLOW FISH TUNA,ONE OF THE STRONGEST FISH IN THE OCEAN.MORETHAN 250 SPECIES OF FISH CAN BE CAUGHT THROUGH FLY,LINE,GAME,SURF OR REEF FISHING.THE MERGING OF THE COOL ATLANTIC AND THE WARM COAST CREATES A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF THE GAME FISH,INCLUDING MARLIN AND TUNA.BIG BLUE MARLIN AND A NUMBER OF STRIPED AND BLACK MARLIN ARE ALSO FOUND AS WELL SAIFISH.

WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE HIGHLY INTERSETED IN BECOMING AN IMPORT AGENT OF YOUR COMPANY-THE KNOWN CRESCENT EAT -M-UP WIGGLE BABIES PLASTIC WARM.WE FANCY AND DEEMED YOUR PRODUCT VERY ESSENTIAL IN OUR FISHING INDUSTRY DUE TO IT'S DISTINCTIVE CHARACTERISTICS AND QUALITIES WHICH ENHANCES AND INCREASES THE EFFECIENCY AND OUR OUTPUT.

IT WILL INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT AFTER APPLYING DIFFERENT FISHING METHODS, WE RECOMMEND AND APPRECIATE YOUR "STRAWBERRY STINKER" MODEL PLASTIC WORM.THIS PRODUCT AFTER USAGE PROVED TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ANY OTHER SIMILAR PRODUCTS WE HAVE USED IN THE PAST.WE WERE VERY MUCH EXCITED AND IMPRESSED ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS WE USED YOUR PRODUCT AS A MATTER OF FACT.

AT THIS STAGE WE DEEMED IT NECESSARY TO THROW MORE LIGHT IN OUR ENTHUSIASM REGARDING YOUR PRODUCT BY STATING A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE IN ONE OF OUR FISHING OUTINGS.THIS EXPERIENCE TOOK PLACE AT OUR NORMAL FISHING TERRITORY (BASSAM BEACH )IT WAS ONE FAITHFUL DAY, THE WEATHER WAS PERFECT FOR FISHING,IT WAS A SURPRISE WHEN WE SAW A LARGE BASS(FISH) IN THE DEPTH OF THE WATER MOVING AROUND LIKE A HUNGRY LION,WE QUICKLY SENT THE PLASTIC WORM AND IMMEDIATELY THE FISH SAW THE WORM,HE DIVED AND SWALLOWED EVERY THING,BUT AS IF HE DID NOT KNOW THAT HE HAS BEEN TRAPPED CONTINUED ROAMING AROUND THE VICINITY SEARCHING FOR MORE WORMS TO EAT. AT A TIME HE NOTICED SOME FORCES PULLING HIM AT ONE DIRECTION AND AT THIS JUNCTURE, THERE WAS THUG OF WAR BETWEEN US AND THE FISH WHICH LASTED FOR COUPLE OF TIME.IN FACT THE RESISTANCE OF THE FISH AND THE DRAGGING WAS JUST LIKE A FILM AND LUCKLY FOR US WE SUCEEDED IN PULLING THE FISH INTO OUR BOAT,BUT STILL,WHILE THE FISH WAS IN THE BOAT,IT APPEARED AS IF HE REGAINED MOMENTUM AS HE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN STRUGGLING TO FIND HIS WAY BACK TO THE WATER BUT LUCK WAS AGAINST HIM .

CONSIDERING THIS PARTICULAR EVENT, WE COULD THEREFORE COMFIRM THAT SUCH A MAGNIFICENT PLASTIC WORM CAN BE THE SOURCE OF GREAT PROFITS TO US,WERE WE TO SELL YOUR PRODUCT IN OUR COUNTRY.IN FACT,THIS PRODUCT,WE FEEL,WOULD OPEN UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO DEVELOP THE SPORT OF BASS FISHING,AND THEREFORE WE ARE GREATLY INTERESTED IN INVESTING IN THE "EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY" LINE.AS A MATTER OF SINCERITY,WE FEEL THAT IF THE YOUTH OF OUR COUNTRY WERE TO SPEND MORE TIME IN BASS FISHING,THAN CAUSING TROUBLE AND BEHAVING IN CRIMINAL FASHION,OUR COUNTRY WOULD BE BETTER OFF MORALLY AND SOCIALLY.

VERY IMPORTANT,WE WILL LIKE TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST US TO IMPORT THE MACHINES TO MAKE THE WORMS.THE NAME OF THE MACHINE IS A WORMIATOR PLASTIC BAIT EXTRUDER.

BASE ON THE CHARACTERISTICS OF YOUR PRODUCTS AND YOUR WIDE EXPERIENCE REGARDING THIS FIELD,WE HUMBLY REQUEST THAT YOU VISIT US HERE IN COTE D'IVOIRE FOR FURTHER NEGOTIATION AND ARRANGEMENT ON THE IMPORTATION OF THIS PRODUCT AND MORESO,TO INCULCATE YOUR PROFESSIONAL KNOWLEDGE AND TECHNICAL KNOW-HOW TO US FOR MORE EXPANSION OF OUR FISHING INDUSTRY.

YOURS SINCERLY,

MARIAM AND IDRIS MUSTAPHA.

LAD ASKING FOR CORRECTIONS

Dear Sir,

We are sorry for any inconvenience our incapability to give you exactly the text you required for the success of the business hence you realise that we are novice to this field.We have ammended the 5th.paragraph,please go through it once again for your comfirmation,we believe with your guide line we will be able to come a little bit to what you want.

Thank you and God bless us all,

Mrs.Mariam and Idris.

ARNOLD GIVES ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT

My Dear Mariam and Idris,

Yes, now that is more like it! I can almost feel the weight of that trunk full of cash in my hands already. May I say you have a brilliant touch with composing a fish story. All you needed was a little encouragement.

Please accept my sincere apologies for this tardy response. Business is booming for Blue Crescent Eat-M-Up Wiggle Babies. We are very proud of our accomplishments. I have been extremely busy closing the deal on our Mauritania contract. You will be pleased to know that we now represent almost 100% of the bass fishing outlets in all of Mauritania! We are now in the final stages of organizing the Central Algerian Bassmaster Fishing Tournament. Our North African/Sahara branch is growing by leaps and bounds. Our own transaction will join quite naturally with the big push into the African continent.

The fishing content of the letter is absolutely wonderful, just what we need. Your letter will be completely acceptable with the addition of just one more detail. My company directs a local Youth Facility, and we have a well known outreach program geared towards developing the moral standards of misguided young adults in the area. It would be a big help to the credibility and acceptance of the transaction if you could write in more detail about the troubles your country is experiencing with the criminality of its youth.

Please understand that I know what is best, as I know my country and I know my company. If the Board of Directors sees that you have a serious problem with your youth, they will be more than willing to underwrite all activities and transactions which are in any way related to alleviating this situation. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING! If they see that you are serious about this situation, they will give me a BLANK CHECK, and 100% SUPPORT for any and all dealings we have with one another. ONCE THIS IS IN PLACE, WE MAY PROCEED WITH ALL HASTE.

As with the previous item, this must be as personalized as possible. I would like you to relate the story of one particular youth whose life was redeemed through fishing. THIS WILL BRING TEARS TO THEIR EYES! Please go into detail regarding his criminal behaviour. Just make up a story about his criminal activity, detailing clearly his specific crimes. Then relate how you invited him out on a fishing trip, and tell how his life was changed forever. THIS MUST BE ABOUT 3 PARAGRAPHS, AND BE AS DETAILED AS POSSIBLE.

Please stick with it. You will see that the outcome will be successful, and we will have a totally free hand with the company's bank account. This will enable us to make any number of withdrawals in case of various and sundry unforeseen expenses that must be attended to in order to facilitate the redemption of the trunk. You have not specifically mentioned anything like this, but I am guessing that there may be certain fees which must be paid, as, for example, demurrage fees for the time the trunk was held with the finance company. It certainly was not lodged there free of charge. You may not have thought of this possibility, but as a businessman, I can see the likelihood of such fees.

If the Board of Directors imagines that we are helping the troubled youth of your country, THEY WILL NOT ASK EVEN ONCE ABOUT THE REASONS FOR ANY WITHDRAWALS WHICH MAY BE NECESSARY.

Once again, PLEASE BE AS DETAILED AS YOU WERE WITH THE FISH STORY. IN FACT, EVEN MORE DETAILED, AS THIS IS THE KEY TO OPENING UP THE ENTIRE ASSETS OF WIGGLE BABY FOR OUR TRANSACTION!

Once this has been accomplished, we will proceed with the actual transaction with no delay.

I anxiously await your letter.

Best,

Liberace

LAD ACCEPTS CHALLENGE BUT GROWS WEARY

Dear sir,

We thank you for your further direction to perfect our write-up,please go through and see if this satisfy your need.Please bear with us since we are not profesionals in this field but ready to take your instructions to the end.

Again sir,we understood that you are very busy with business commitments,but considering our present condition which is very poor,we appreciate if this transaction will soon be concluded to enable us regain freedom for better life.

Thank you and God bless us all,

Mrs.Mariam and Idris Mustapha.

LAD'S ATTEMPT AT NEW ASSIGNMENT

ATTN:BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE INC.

DEAR LIBERACE,

WE ARE GLAD TO INTRODUCE OUR ENTERPRISE AS A LIFELONG SPORTSMAN LOCATED IN ABIDJAN,THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL CITY OF COTE D'IVOIRE IN WEST AFRICA,BORDERING THE NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN,BETWEEN GHANA AND LIBERIA. THE COUNTRY IS GEOGRAPHICALLY CORDINATED 800N AND 500W WITH TOTAL AREA 322,460 SQ KM, THE LAND AREA COVERS 318,000 SQ KM WHILE THE WATER AREA IS 4,460 SQ KM.

FISHING IS GENERALLY AVAILABLE IN COTE D'IVOIRE THROUGH OUT THE YEAR.THE BEST FISHING PERIOD HOWEVER IS BETWEEN JUNE TO SEPTEMBER.THIS PERIOD PROVIDES EXCELLENT SPORTS FISHING FOR BIG YELLOW FISH TUNA,ONE OF THE STRONGEST FISH IN THE OCEAN.MORETHAN 250 SPECIES OF FISH CAN BE CAUGHT THROUGH FLY,LINE,GAME,SURF OR REEF FISHING.THE MERGING OF THE COOL ATLANTIC AND THE WARM COAST CREATES A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF THE GAME FISH,INCLUDING MARLIN AND TUNA.BIG BLUE MARLIN AND A NUMBER OF STRIPED AND BLACK MARLIN ARE ALSO FOUND AS WELL SAIFISH.

WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE HIGHLY INTERSETED IN BECOMING AN IMPORT AGENT OF YOUR COMPANY-THE KNOWN CRESCENT EAT -M-UP WIGGLE BABIES PLASTIC WARM.WE FANCY AND DEEMED YOUR PRODUCT VERY ESSENTIAL IN OUR FISHING INDUSTRY DUE TO IT'S DISTINCTIVE CHARACTERISTICS AND QUALITIES WHICH ENHANCES AND INCREASES THE EFFECIENCY AND OUR OUTPUT.

IT WILL INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT AFTER APPLYING DIFFERENT FISHING METHODS, WE RECOMMEND AND APPRECIATE YOUR "STRAWBERRY STINKER" MODEL PLASTIC WORM.THIS PRODUCT AFTER USAGE PROVED TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ANY OTHER SIMILAR PRODUCTS WE HAVE USED IN THE PAST.WE WERE VERY MUCH EXCITED AND IMPRESSED ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS WE USED YOUR PRODUCT AS A MATTER OF FACT.

AT THIS STAGE WE DEEMED IT NECESSARY TO THROW MORE LIGHT IN OUR ENTHUSIASM REGARDING YOUR PRODUCT BY STATING A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE IN ONE OF OUR FISHING OUTINGS.THIS EXPERIENCE TOOK PLACE AT OUR NORMAL FISHING TERRITORY (BASSAM BEACH )IT WAS ONE FAITHFUL DAY, THE WEATHER WAS PERFECT FOR FISHING,IT WAS A SURPRISE WHEN WE SAW A LARGE BASS(FISH) IN THE DEPTH OF THE WATER MOVING AROUND LIKE A HUNGRY LION,WE QUICKLY SENT THE PLASTIC WORM AND IMMEDIATELY THE FISH SAW THE WORM,HE DIVED AND SWALLOWED EVERY THING,BUT AS IF HE DID NOT KNOW THAT HE HAS BEEN TRAPPED CONTINUED ROAMING AROUND THE VICINITY SEARCHING FOR MORE WORMS TO EAT. AT A TIME HE NOTICED SOME FORCES PULLING HIM AT ONE DIRECTION AND AT THIS JUNCTURE, THERE WAS THUG OF WAR BETWEEN US AND THE FISH WHICH LASTED FOR COUPLE OF TIME.IN FACT THE RESISTANCE OF THE FISH AND THE DRAGGING WAS JUST LIKE A FILM AND LUCKLY FOR US WE SUCEEDED IN PULLING THE FISH INTO OUR BOAT,BUT STILL,WHILE THE FISH WAS IN THE BOAT,IT APPEARED AS IF HE REGAINED MOMENTUM AS HE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN STRUGGLING TO FIND HIS WAY BACK TO THE WATER BUT LUCK WAS AGAINST HIM .

CONSIDERING THIS PARTICULAR EVENT, WE COULD THEREFORE COMFIRM THAT SUCH A MAGNIFICENT PLASTIC WORM CAN BE THE SOURCE OF GREAT PROFITS TO US,WERE WE TO SELL YOUR PRODUCT IN OUR COUNTRY.IN FACT,THIS PRODUCT,WE FEEL,WOULD OPEN UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO DEVELOP THE SPORT OF BASS FISHING,AND THEREFORE WE ARE GREATLY INTERESTED IN INVESTING IN THE "EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY" LINE.AS A MATTER OF SINCERITY,WE FEEL THAT IF THE YOUTH OF OUR COUNTRY WERE TO SPEND MORE TIME IN BASS FISHING,THAN CAUSING TROUBLE AND BEHAVING IN CRIMINAL FASHION,OUR COUNTRY WOULD BE BETTER OFF MORALLY AND SOCIALLY.

AS A MATTER OF SINCERITY,THERE IS NO GAIN EMPHASISING MUCH ON THE VARIOUS EXPERIENCES GATHERED BY FISHING WITH PLASTIC WORM,BUT WE LIKE TO FORWARD IN ADDITION A SPECIFIC REFERNCE WHERE BASS FISHING REDEEMED ONE THE CRIMINALS INTO A NORMAL BUSINESS LIFE.IT IS NOT A NEWS THAT JUVENILE DELIQUENCY IN WEST AFRICA IS INCREASING AT A EVERY HIGH PACE.YOUTHS OF TODAY DERIVE JOY IN CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES,A DAY NEVER PASSES BY WITHOUT WITNESSING AN ARMED ROBBERS ATTACK AS IT HAS BECOME THE ORDER OF THE DAY.IN MANY CASES,IT MAY CLAIM INNOCENT SOULS.THESE RAMPANT, ILLEGAL ACTINGS HAVE INVOLKED FEARS INTO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE MAINLY ON THE STRANGERS AS ONE CAN BE EASILY ATTACKED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

IT IS UNFORTUNATE THAT THESE YOUTHS WHO USUALLY ENGAGE THEMSELVES IN THIS DIRTY ACTIVITIES MAINLY ARE NOT EDUCATED AS THEY REFUSED GOING TO SCHOOLS AND THE CHANCES OF EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY ARE VERY RARE.THE LITTLE OFFICE VACANCIES ARE MEARNT FOR THE FEW WHO ACQUIRED THE SKILL.WORST TILL,THESE BAD BOYS HAVE REFUSED TO SUCUMB LOW TO ACCEPT UNSKILLED LABOUR.THEN WHAT CAN A MAN DO? "MAN MUST WAK"(EAT).THEREFORE TO SATISFY THEIR STOMACH,THEY RESORT TO STEALING AND OTHER MALPRACTICES WHICH FINALLY LAND THEM TO JAILS.IT IS CRAZY WHEN YOU VISIT ONE OF THE PRISONS SITUATED IN THE CAPITAL CITY ABIDJAN COTE D'IVIORE NAMED "YOUPUGON PRISON",YOU CAN SEE WHERE THE GOVERNMENT WASTED MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN CONSTRUCTING THE MAGNIFICIENT BUILDINGS AND EVERY DAY NOT LESS THAN FIFTY CULPRITS ARE BROUGHT TO THE PRISON.IT IS UNBELIEVABLE THAT GOVERNMENT FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO SEARCH FOR SOLUTION TO THESE ALARMING UGLY SITUATIONS CONTRIBUTING HARM THAN GOOD TO THE NATION IN PARTICULAR AND THE WORLD AS A WHOLE.

DEAR LIBERACE,IT WILL INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT FISHING WITH PLASTIC WORM SINCE IT WAS INTRODUCED TO THE YOUTHS HAS GONE A LONG WAY REDUCING THE CRIME IN THE NATION.THE INITIATIVE STARTED JUST FOR ONE DAY I APPROACHED A NOTOROUS BANDIT BY NAME "PABLO"RESIDING ARROUND MY TERRITORY KOUMASSI TOWN,THIS CRIMINAL WITH HIS GANG USUALLY OPERATE IN BROAD DAY LIGHT MAINLY AROUND 10 AM -11 AM WHEN WORKERS AND TRADERS HAVE GONE TO THEIR VARIOUS PLACES OF WORK,BY THIS TIME EVERY WHERE IS SCANTY AND DRY.THIS GANG OPERATES BY USING "DAGGER KNIVES" SNATCHING MOSTLY MOBILE PHONES,JEWELRIES AND CASH FROM PEOPLE,THEY ALSO INVOLVE IN HOUSE BREAKAGE,SOME INNOCENT PEOPLE FALL VICTIM TO THESE UNSCRUPULOUS ELEMENTS WHEN THEY REFUSE TO SURRENDER THEIR BELONGINGS TO THEM,THEY CAN EVEN GO TO THE EXTREEM OF APPLYING THIS DANGEROUS WEAPONS INFUSING INJURIES ON THEM AND UNLUCKY ONES DIED IN THE EVENT. THAT DAY I SUMMONED COURAGE TO INVITE PABLO THE BANDIT FOR A LUNCH,ON A ROUND TABLE MEETING, WHILE WE ARE ENJOYING OURSELVES WITH SOME DELICIOUS FOOD AND DRINKS,I FOCUSED HIS MEMORY ON OUR DISCUSSION TO THE IMPORTANCE OF FISHING AND PROFIT THEREIN.I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE HIM AND HAVE A SCHEDULE TO ACCOMPANY ME IN A FISHING OUTING,THAT DAY,IT WAS MIRACULOUS AS HE COULD NOT BELIEVE THE NUMBER OF FISHES WE CAUGHT WHICH ATTRACTED A LOT OF PROFITS. TO SEE WHAT PLASTIC WORM FISHING HAS DONE BY CHANGING AUTOMATICALLY THE ENTIRE LIFE OF THIS HARD CRIMINAL.HE REALISED THAT USING THIS MACHING IS SIMPLE,YIELDS PROFITS AND DOSE NOT SUBJECT HIM TO MORE DANGER COMPARED TO HIS FORMER OCCUPATION.I AM NOT TRYING TO EXAGERATE, THIS YOUNG MAN HAS UNTILL TODAY CONVERTED REASONABLE NUMBERS OF HIS CRIMINAL COLLEAGUES TO A BETTER LIFE BY INTRODUCING THEM TO JOIN THE BASS FISHING.

VERY IMPORTANT,WE WILL LIKE TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST US TO IMPORT THE MACHINES TO MAKE THE WORMS.THE NAME OF THE MACHINE IS A WORMIATOR PLASTIC BAIT EXTRUDER.

SIR,IN ORDER TO REDUCE CRIME TO THE GRASS ROOT LEVEL IN THIS COUNTRY AND TO SALVAGE THE UGLY SITUATION,WE ARE OF THE OPINION THAT YOU SUPPLY US YOUR WORMIATOR MACHINE IN A VERY LARGE QUANTITY AND ALSO VISIT OUR COUNTRY TO INCULCATE YOUR PROFESSIONAL IDEAS AND TECHNICAL- KNOW- HOW TO US FOR MORE IMPROVEMENT.WHEN ONCE THIS IS DONE,IT WILL GIVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO ABSORB NEW EMPLOYEES WHO ARE SEEKING FOR EMPLOYMENT AND THEREFORE REDUCING CRIMES IN OUR COUNTRY COTE D'IVOIRE.

YOURS SINCERLY,

MARIAM AND IDRIS MUSTAPHA.

ARNOLD YUCKS IT UP

Hahaha! I almost feel sorry for them! Of course the idea is....THEIR LETTER NEVER REACHES PERFECTION! Yock-yock! We'll see just how many re-writes they can stand...

Best

"Arnold"

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT?

Sez Fannerman: ...Well, I don't think "Mariam and Idris" will be getting out the blue pencil again...not after the last letter I sent, which follows:

Dear Mariam,

I hope this finds you and your family in good health and spirits. Do not worry, help is on the way, and soon we all will be much better off! May I add that I have been devoting some enjoyable moments toward planning exactly how I will spend the money in the trunk. You did say that the money is US dollars, right? I hope so, as I do not wish to involve myself in changing money from your local currency to US dollars. Please confirm that the contents of the trunk is US dollars.

Again, pardon please my slow response. The date and place of the Central Algerian Bassmaster Fishing Tournament, sponsored by Blue Crescent Eat-M-Up Wiggle Baby Plastic Worms, has been fixed and finalized! It is to be held on October 5th at In Salah, in the heart of the beautiful Algerian lake country. We at Wiggle Baby are very excited about this event. If you would like to attend, I am sure something could be arranged, including round-trip air travel in the company jet between In Salah and Abidjan. All flights using this travel modality must be approved by MYSELF, so you may be assured of maximum welcome. Just let me know as soon as possible, ok?

You might be pleased to know that owing to the success of last year's event, we are sponsoring another Bass Fishing Tournament at the popular resort town of Araouane, in West-Central Mali. Please let your bass-fishing friends, including Pablo, know about this. It will be worth the trip, I assure you! It is to be held during the same week as a local downhill ski racing tournament, and therefore the crowd is sure to be large, and in a festive mood. Africa is certainly turning out to be a gold mine for Wiggle Baby...all the more reason to maintain high confidence in the success of our transaction!

What can I say? Your letter has touched my heart. It makes even myself want to give what I can to assist the troubled youth of your country in their endeavors toward becoming useful and productive citizens. The background was thorough and convincing.

I can see that you understand very well what I have been suggesting. Your latest letter is ALMOST 100% PERFECT! However, we must bear in mind that the main idea is to show how the PLASTIC WORM ITSELF provided the inspiration for Pablo to better himself. If you could only add a few important details, I will immediately present the letter to the Board of Directors. Then it will be a simple matter to obtain what we call a "TABULA RASA". This document is a withdrawal form which contains the signatures of our Treasurer and our Chief Financial Officer, with everything filled out except the amount of money to be withdrawn. The form may be re-used as often as necessary.

As for the very important details: it is of the utmost importance that you make VERY CLEAR that it is not only bass fishing which has turned Pablo onto the straight path, but specifically the WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM. May I suggest that you explain how Pablo had attempted to fish using another plastic worm, but was so disappointed with the results that he went out and committed a serious crime LATER THAT SAME DAY! It is very important that you be SPECIFIC regarding the particular crime which he committed. This adds to the credibility of the account. Explain how the Wiggle Baby Plastic Worm, its lifelike appearance, its natural touch and pleasant odour all combined to encourage Pablo. PLEASE BE VERY SPECIFIC. GO ON AT SOME LENGTH DESCRIBING THE QUALITIES OF THE WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM.

I am certain that once this is accomplished, I will be able to present your letter to the Board of Directors, and come away with a TABULA RASA. Please do this with all speed, as I would like very much to begin the actual transaction. I would not like to spend much more time on the composing of this very important letter. Please do your best to see that it is perfectly executed.

By the way, you mentioned in your letter about Pablo that your territory is Koumassi. Is not Koumassi located in the country of Ghana? Are you in Ghana? Or are you in Cote D'Ivoire, as you first mentioned? Perhaps I misunderstood something?

Best, and God Bless you and your family,

Liberace

Sez Fannerman: That's all to date. If I get another re-worked letter back I'll eat a bucket of plastic worms and toss myself into the hopper of a Wormiator Plastic Bait Extruder!

Sez us: Let's not hold him to that!


JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BASS FISHING AGAIN...

Sez Fannerman:
Hi! Unbelievably, he came back for more. Now it's the "mom's in the hospital" routine. Maybe she's been eating those plastic worms!

His latest letter is a masterpiece. He has conveniently written the newest section in small-case letters. First prize for imagery goes to:

"He was attracted with every quality of this product more especially the pleasant odour possessed by the worm just like the fragrance oozing out from a hibiscus flowers which stimulates somebody to feel like the world is a bird of roses..."

Hahaha! Enjoy...

Arnold


BRING OUT THE VIOLINS

Dear Sir,

I regret for our late response to your letters,also Iregret to inform you that my mother Mariam was addmitted in the hosipital since our last communication to you,her sickness was on emmergency and this is the cause of the delay to your mails.She has recovered her ilness but still in the hospital for lack of money to pay the hospital bill,she will come back home as soon as we lay hand on money to settle the charge.At the moment,things are very difficult for us.

As regards to your request to discribe the more about the WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM,its life style appearance,its natural touch, pleasant odour and qualities,please we should require your asststance on these,at laest giving us the ideas then we can make up the grammer with our on style since we have never seen this product in our life and have never use it before.

Thank you,My mummy is worried.



Idris Mustapha(the son)

ARNOLD ON WORMS

Dear Idris,

So sorry to hear about Mariam. I pray that she recovers fully very soon. What was the cause of her hospitalization? Whatever the reason, I hope she will be cured God willing.

About the plastic worm description: just use your imagination. The odour should be compared to fresh breezes and tropical fruits. The worm must be "lifelike" to the touch, as if it were a real living worm. Pablo should smell the gates of Heaven, as if the worm were sending a personal message to him. PLEASE USE YOUR OWN WORDS.

It does not matter what the specific smells and touch of the worm are...JUST AS LONG AS YOU USE YOUR OWN WORDS AND DESCRIBE HOW PABLO FELT WHEN HE USED THE STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM.

Please go on at some length when describing the effect the worm's appearance, touch and smell had on Pablo. IMAGINE THAT PABLO SAW THE FACE OF GOD HIMSELF. IMAGINE THAT PABLO KNEW HE WAS SAVED AS SOON AS HE HELD THE WORM IN HIS HANDS.

DO NOT USE MY WORDS!! Just let your imagination run. That way it will sound convincing, and the Directors will want to help in any way possible. PLEASE DESCRIBE AT SOME LENGTH HOW THE WORM FELT IN HIS HANDS. Believe me, sir, this is the best, quickest and surest modality which will guarantee that the company's full resources be put 100% at our disposal. IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT YOU DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE WORM FEELS LIKE. JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATION! Remember, this is what went on in Pablo's MIND...make up the odours, the way it felt, the lifelike feel in his hands, etc. JUST WRITE AS IF THE WORM WERE AN ANGEL OF MERCY. PLEASE GO ON AT LENGTH CONCERNING THE HAPPINESS AND HOPE THE WORM BROUGHT TO PABLO.

Idris, believe me, this will help us immensely! Make the descriptions long and detailed, at least 2 or 3 more full paragraphs of description. LET YOUR IMAGINATION RUN! Then we will be successful, I guarantee it.

If possible I would like to arrange for the transfer of the trunk immediately after your letter is completed. Can we do this quickly?

Best

Liberace


THE LADS WAX ELOQUENT ABOUT WORMS

ATTN:BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE INC.

DEAR LIBERACE,

WE ARE GLAD TO INTRODUCE OUR ENTERPRISE AS A LIFELONG SPORTSMAN LOCATED IN ABIDJAN,THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL CITY OF COTE D'IVOIRE IN WEST AFRICA,BORDERING THE NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN,BETWEEN GHANA AND LIBERIA. THE COUNTRY IS GEOGRAPHICALLY CORDINATED 800N AND 500W WITH TOTAL AREA 322,460 SQ KM, THE LAND AREA COVERS 318,000 SQ KM WHILE THE WATER AREA IS 4,460 SQ KM.

FISHING IS GENERALLY AVAILABLE IN COTE D'IVOIRE THROUGH OUT THE YEAR.THE BEST FISHING PERIOD HOWEVER IS BETWEEN JUNE TO SEPTEMBER.THIS PERIOD PROVIDES EXCELLENT SPORTS FISHING FOR BIG YELLOW FISH TUNA,ONE OF THE STRONGEST FISH IN THE OCEAN.MORETHAN 250 SPECIES OF FISH CAN BE CAUGHT THROUGH FLY,LINE,GAME,SURF OR REEF FISHING.THE MERGING OF THE COOL ATLANTIC AND THE WARM COAST CREATES A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF THE GAME FISH,INCLUDING MARLIN AND TUNA.BIG BLUE MARLIN AND A NUMBER OF STRIPED AND BLACK MARLIN ARE ALSO FOUND AS WELL SAIFISH.

WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE HIGHLY INTERSETED IN BECOMING AN IMPORT AGENT OF YOUR COMPANY-THE KNOWN CRESCENT EAT -M-UP WIGGLE BABIES PLASTIC WARM.WE FANCY AND DEEMED YOUR PRODUCT VERY ESSENTIAL IN OUR FISHING INDUSTRY DUE TO IT'S DISTINCTIVE CHARACTERISTICS AND QUALITIES WHICH ENHANCES AND INCREASES THE EFFECIENCY AND OUR OUTPUT.

IT WILL INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT AFTER APPLYING DIFFERENT FISHING METHODS, WE RECOMMEND AND APPRECIATE YOUR "STRAWBERRY STINKER" MODEL PLASTIC WORM.THIS PRODUCT AFTER USAGE PROVED TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ANY OTHER SIMILAR PRODUCTS WE HAVE USED IN THE PAST.WE WERE VERY MUCH EXCITED AND IMPRESSED ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS WE USED YOUR PRODUCT AS A MATTER OF FACT.

AT THIS STAGE WE DEEMED IT NECESSARY TO THROW MORE LIGHT IN OUR ENTHUSIASM REGARDING YOUR PRODUCT BY STATING A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE IN ONE OF OUR FISHING OUTINGS.THIS EXPERIENCE TOOK PLACE AT OUR NORMAL FISHING TERRITORY (BASSAM BEACH )IT WAS ONE FAITHFUL DAY, THE WEATHER WAS PERFECT FOR FISHING,IT WAS A SURPRISE WHEN WE SAW A LARGE BASS(FISH) IN THE DEPTH OF THE WATER MOVING AROUND LIKE A HUNGRY LION,WE QUICKLY SENT THE PLASTIC WORM AND IMMEDIATELY THE FISH SAW THE WORM,HE DIVED AND SWALLOWED EVERY THING,BUT AS IF HE DID NOT KNOW THAT HE HAS BEEN TRAPPED CONTINUED ROAMING AROUND THE VICINITY SEARCHING FOR MORE WORMS TO EAT. AT A TIME HE NOTICED SOME FORCES PULLING HIM AT ONE DIRECTION AND AT THIS JUNCTURE, THERE WAS THUG OF WAR BETWEEN US AND THE FISH WHICH LASTED FOR COUPLE OF TIME.IN FACT THE RESISTANCE OF THE FISH AND THE DRAGGING WAS JUST LIKE A FILM AND LUCKLY FOR US WE SUCEEDED IN PULLING THE FISH INTO OUR BOAT,BUT STILL,WHILE THE FISH WAS IN THE BOAT,IT APPEARED AS IF HE REGAINED MOMENTUM AS HE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN STRUGGLING TO FIND HIS WAY BACK TO THE WATER BUT LUCK WAS AGAINST HIM .

CONSIDERING THIS PARTICULAR EVENT, WE COULD THEREFORE COMFIRM THAT SUCH A MAGNIFICENT PLASTIC WORM CAN BE THE SOURCE OF GREAT PROFITS TO US,WERE WE TO SELL YOUR PRODUCT IN OUR COUNTRY.IN FACT,THIS PRODUCT,WE FEEL,WOULD OPEN UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO DEVELOP THE SPORT OF BASS FISHING,AND THEREFORE WE ARE GREATLY INTERESTED IN INVESTING IN THE "EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY" LINE.AS A MATTER OF SINCERITY,WE FEEL THAT IF THE YOUTH OF OUR COUNTRY WERE TO SPEND MORE TIME IN BASS FISHING,THAN CAUSING TROUBLE AND BEHAVING IN CRIMINAL FASHION,OUR COUNTRY WOULD BE BETTER OFF MORALLY AND SOCIALLY.

AS A MATTER OF SINCERITY,THERE IS NO GAIN EMPHASISING MUCH ON THE VARIOUS EXPERIENCES GATHERED BY FISHING WITH PLASTIC WORM,BUT WE LIKE TO FORWARD IN ADDITION A SPECIFIC REFERNCE WHERE BASS FISHING REDEEMED ONE THE CRIMINALS INTO A NORMAL BUSINESS LIFE.IT IS NOT A NEWS THAT JUVENILE DELIQUENCY IN WEST AFRICA IS INCREASING AT A EVERY HIGH PACE.YOUTHS OF TODAY DERIVE JOY IN CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES,A DAY NEVER PASSES BY WITHOUT WITNESSING AN ARMED ROBBERS ATTACK AS IT HAS BECOME THE ORDER OF THE DAY.IN MANY CASES,IT MAY CLAIM INNOCENT SOULS.THESE RAMPANT, ILLEGAL ACTINGS HAVE INVOLKED FEARS INTO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE MAINLY ON THE STRANGERS AS ONE CAN BE EASILY ATTACKED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

IT IS UNFORTUNATE THAT THESE YOUTHS WHO USUALLY ENGAGE THEMSELVES IN THIS DIRTY ACTIVITIES MAINLY ARE NOT EDUCATED AS THEY REFUSED GOING TO SCHOOLS AND THE CHANCES OF EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY ARE VERY RARE.THE LITTLE OFFICE VACANCIES ARE MEARNT FOR THE FEW WHO ACQUIRED THE SKILL.WORST TILL,THESE BAD BOYS HAVE REFUSED TO SUCUMB LOW TO ACCEPT UNSKILLED LABOUR.THEN WHAT CAN A MAN DO? "MAN MUST WAK"(EAT).THEREFORE TO SATISFY THEIR STOMACH,THEY RESORT TO STEALING AND OTHER MALPRACTICES WHICH FINALLY LAND THEM TO JAILS.IT IS CRAZY WHEN YOU VISIT ONE OF THE PRISONS SITUATED IN THE CAPITAL CITY ABIDJAN COTE D'IVIORE NAMED "YOUPUGON PRISON",YOU CAN SEE WHERE THE GOVERNMENT WASTED MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN CONSTRUCTING THE MAGNIFICIENT BUILDINGS AND EVERY DAY NOT LESS THAN FIFTY CULPRITS ARE BROUGHT TO THE PRISON.IT IS UNBELIEVABLE THAT GOVERNMENT FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO SEARCH FOR SOLUTION TO THESE ALARMING UGLY SITUATIONS CONTRIBUTING HARM THAN GOOD TO THE NATION IN PARTICULAR AND THE WORLD AS A WHOLE.

DEAR LIBERACE,IT WILL INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT FISHING WITH PLASTIC WORM SINCE IT WAS INTRODUCED TO THE YOUTHS HAS GONE A LONG WAY REDUCING THE CRIME IN THE NATION.THE INITIATIVE STARTED JUST FOR ONE DAY I APPROACHED A NOTOROUS BANDIT BY NAME "PABLO"RESIDING ARROUND MY TERRITORY KOUMASSI TOWN,THIS CRIMINAL WITH HIS GANG USUALLY OPERATE IN BROAD DAY LIGHT MAINLY AROUND 10 AM -11 AM WHEN WORKERS AND TRADERS HAVE GONE TO THEIR VARIOUS PLACES OF WORK,BY THIS TIME EVERY WHERE IS SCANTY AND DRY.THIS GANG OPERATES BY USING "DAGGER KNIVES" SNATCHING MOSTLY MOBILE PHONES,JEWELRIES AND CASH FROM PEOPLE,THEY ALSO INVOLVE IN HOUSE BREAKAGE,SOME INNOCENT PEOPLE FALL VICTIM TO THESE UNSCRUPULOUS ELEMENTS WHEN THEY REFUSE TO SURRENDER THEIR BELONGINGS TO THEM,THEY CAN EVEN GO TO THE EXTREEM OF APPLYING THIS DANGEROUS WEAPONS INFUSING INJURIES ON THEM AND UNLUCKY ONES DIED IN THE EVENT. THAT DAY I SUMMONED COURAGE TO INVITE PABLO THE BANDIT FOR A LUNCH,ON A ROUND TABLE MEETING, WHILE WE ARE ENJOYING OURSELVES WITH SOME DELICIOUS FOOD AND DRINKS,I FOCUSED HIS MEMORY ON OUR DISCUSSION TO THE IMPORTANCE OF FISHING AND PROFIT THEREIN.I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE HIM AND HAVE A SCHEDULE TO ACCOMPANY ME IN A FISHING OUTING,THAT DAY,IT WAS MIRACULOUS AS HE COULD NOT BELIEVE THE NUMBER OF FISHES WE CAUGHT WHICH ATTRACTED A LOT OF PROFITS,we continued this exercise for a period of three days before I encourage him to begin on his own.

After Pablo was assumed to be converted when he was initially introduced into Bass fishing and he played the sport for the first day on his own, every one thought that Pablo will automatically not succumb to his previous criminal life but surprisingly we found out that he even proceeded to commit more dangerous acting. This time Pablo involved in car snatching, he joined a gang that operate in the major roads blocking people with their own cars, snatching cars under gun point. In a specific attack by Pablo and his gang just after a week he left us and started on his own,he went an operation where they snatch two cars, they did not only snatched two cars but rather they had stop-over and robbed a very big filling station ,collected all the available cash and drove off. But being intelligent gang, they did not continue with these cars to avoid easy tracing, they therefore, swiftly double- crossed another Peugeot car and made away with it abandoning the former vehicles they were with. The attack was a very dangerous one but did not claim any life.

The following day, the news quickly spread all over the town and after my thorough investigation, I found out that Mr Pablo was among the team that took the operation. It started to beat my imagination why Pablo will behaved abnormally again after our Previous fishing outings which efforts were made to convince him to a normal business activity. I visualised and gazed that probably he was not satisfied with the Bass fishing, I immediately thought it wise to introduce him using WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM; It took me an additional effort and sweet tongue to convinced him just to have a schedule with me for another private talk. After Pablo has considered his last operation and the huge money realised, he felt satisfactory and thought he was on the top of the world. But notwithstanding, I succeeded afterward summoning a meeting with him convincing him to accompany me once again to fishing outing .This time around I introduced him to WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM which yielded a perfect result. This time,Pablo saw the difference and believed that all FINGERS ARE NOT EQUAL after comparison with the former method of fishing and the performances of the WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM. He lamented "I saw with an infinite pleasure, the great object of my mission". He was attracted with every quality of this product more especially the pleasant odour possessed by the worm just like the fragrance oozing out from a hibiscus flowers which stimulates somebody to feel like the world is a bird of roses. . Pablo was felt with full attraction of the WORM which possessed a natural appearance like a living earth WORM, sighting his feeling on the magnificent WORM on his hand and the way it was turning itself round like if it was a real living object ,Pablo was actually convinced that through this STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM sporting, he could make a good living without being told. He even wanted to go home with the worm just to be making sure he always stays around it just for the comfort and joy he derives. He further lamented that one will be opportune to caught a lot of fishes when once this STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM enters into the sea swimming majestically creating attraction to the fish. In this case and to save the life of this young man and others, we lend some spares of our STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM to Pablo and he is still making use of this magnificent instrument sporting with his group turning up huge quantities of fishes in all their outings, given testimony about WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM and to God for his life saved.

It may interest you to know that Mr Pablo has presently turned to be a recognised great fishing sportsman with his group as they always make a large turn over compared with others in the field as such they are one of the leading suppliers of fishes to our continental hotels and government guest houses including prisons and other large consumers even to our nearby countries like Guinea Conakry, Ghana and Burkina Faso.

Meanwhile, their immediate project is establishing a fishing pond which is taking place in YAMOUSSOUKRO the administrative capital city of Cote d Ivoire. Recently, Pablo recognising the source of his wealth and where he started approached us for order of more WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM in a large quantity. You can bear with us and see by yourself how STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM had changed a notorious armed robber to a recognised and genuine person in the society. We therefore plead for your maximum co-operation in making sure this productis supplied to us without delay to enable us satisfy the demand.

TO SEE WHAT PLASTIC WORM FISHING HAS DONE BY CHANGING AUTOMATICALLY THE ENTIRE LIFE OF THIS HARD CRIMINAL.HE REALISED THAT USING THIS MACHING IS SIMPLE,YIELDS PROFITS AND DOSE NOT SUBJECT HIM TO MORE DANGER COMPARED TO HIS FORMER OCCUPATION.I AM NOT TRYING TO EXAGERATE, THIS YOUNG MAN HAS UNTILL TODAY CONVERTED REASONABLE NUMBERS OF HIS CRIMINAL COLLEAGUES TO A BETTER LIFE BY INTRODUCING THEM TO JOIN THE BASS FISHING.

VERY IMPORTANT,WE WILL LIKE TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST US TO IMPORT THE MACHINES TO MAKE THE WORMS.THE NAME OF THE MACHINE IS A WORMIATOR PLASTIC BAIT EXTRUDER.

SIR,IN ORDER TO REDUCE CRIME TO THE GRASS ROOT LEVEL IN THIS COUNTRY AND TO SALVAGE THE UGLY SITUATION,WE ARE OF THE OPINION THAT YOU SUPPLY US YOUR WORMIATOR MACHINE IN A VERY LARGE QUANTITY AND ALSO VISIT OUR COUNTRY TO INCULCATE YOUR PROFESSIONAL IDEAS AND TECHNICAL- KNOW- HOW TO US FOR MORE IMPROVEMENT.WHEN ONCE THIS IS DONE,IT WILL GIVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO ABSORB NEW EMPLOYEES WHO ARE SEEKING FOR EMPLOYMENT AND THEREFORE REDUCING CRIMES IN OUR COUNTRY COTE D'IVOIRE.

YOURS SINCERLY,

MARIAM AND IDRIS MUSTAPHA.
That's the latest. Can they possibly be game for more?

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT?

Sez Fannerman: Hello! Thanks for the postings...they look great on the site. Thought you might like to see the latest letter I sent out to "Mariam and Idris". If "they" respond (positively) to this one, well, surely our wonder at, if not understanding of, Human Nature will deepen exponentially!! Best "A"

Dear Mariam and Idris,

I hope this finds you both well, especially Mariam, who, God willing, is recuperating speedily from her recent illness, and for whom I have been praying daily. Be assured that both of you are now my blood and bone; you may consider yourselves to be a welcome and valued addition to the Liberace family. This means, among other things, that you will be entitled to a 5% (FIVE PERCENT) discount for food and lodging should either or both of you, in your travels, ever wish to stay at the home of any member of the Liberace family!

Before proceeding, allow me to announce that Blue Crescent Eat-M-Up Wiggle Baby Plastic Worms Inc. is reaching new heights of success, which of course translates to "$$$$$$$$" for us. We are currently testing a new model aimed at catching a species of gamefish found only in the Northern Sahara. I speak of the Sand Bass. This fish has adapted to desert conditions so successfully that, in a demonstration of Darwinian chutzpah, it needs no water at all to flourish, but contents itself to actually swim through the sand. It is as potent a predator as its aquatic cousins, subsisting on a diet of snakes and scorpions. Our new model is called "THE SCORPITIZER", which mimics the look, touch and odour of an adult female scorpion. We at Wiggle Baby consider this our greatest achievement. Fishermen throughout the Sahara have reported much success in using this product, and we expect it to be a real cash machine for us all!

Now, as for our transaction, CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER. Yes, my dear Mariam and Idris, WE HAVE DONE IT!! I am pleased to report that the Board of Directors LOVED the letter! They were as impressed as I knew they would be. In fact one of them, Mr. Peewee Herman, Chairman of Youth Marketing and Manual Gratification, actually requested an interview with Pablo, to use in a new advertising campaign! They all were deeply moved by the story of Pablo's escape from a life of violence and criminality, by virtue of his use of our Strawberry Stinker worm. The Board is quite prepared to issue a Tabula Rasa for our transaction, and thereby open wide the coffers of Wiggle Baby for any and all uses we may deem necessary toward the completion of our project, including, of course, full payment of Mariam's medical expenses.

They had only one minor suggestion. It must be borne in mind that these are businessmen, ever on the lookout for new modalities whereby to beat the competition. Our main competitor is the "SLINKAMATIC GET-M-KRAZEE BASS-BLASTER HYDROCARBON WORM". This company has frequently named Wiggle-Baby in a derogatory fashion in its advertising. The Board of Directors now sees the Pablo story as an ideal opportunity to give them as good as they dish out.

They would like you to say that Pablo first used the SLINKAMATIC GET-M-KRAZEE BASS-BLASTER HYDROCARBON WORM, but due to the unnatural appearance, artificial feel, and unpleasant odour of this product, Pablo reverted to his life of crime, before meeting with success by way of our own Wiggle Baby worm.

They would like you to fully describe, in a few extremely detailed paragraphs, all the bad qualities Pablo noticed in the SLINKAMATIC GET-M-KRAZEE BASS-BLASTER HYDROCARBON WORM. Once again, use all the resources of your imagination and spare no words or effort to describe the awful qualities of the SLINKAMATIC GET-M-KRAZEE BASS-BLASTER HYDROCARBON WORM. The more you write about this, about how miserably this product failed, GIVING SPECIFICS, the better the effect will be.

But to assure me that they are of one mind to go ahead and issue the Tabula Rasa, they have ALREADY PREPARED THE FORM! I saw it with my own eyes, and give you my personal guarantee as a Liberace that it is absolutely 100% in order and READY TO GO! Once they are in possession of your letter which includes the negative descriptions of the SLINKAMATIC GET-M-KRAZEE BASS-BLASTER HYDROCARBON WORM, they will sign the form and we may immediately proceed to do whatever is necessary to accomplish our goal.

I am very excited about the positive result we have achieved. I TOLD YOU I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING!! And sure enough, we have accomplished what we set out to do! HEARTIEST CONGRATULATIONS!! Now, with the addition of the new material, nothing will stand in the way of our goal. I urge you to go ahead and DO YOUR VERY BEST to describe as many negative aspects as your imagination can devise, with regard to the SLINKAMATIC GET-M-KRAZEE BASS-BLASTER HYDROCARBON WORM, yemach shemo ve-zikrono!

Anxiously awaiting your final version of our letter!
With familial affection and respect,
Liberace

We shall see if they respond!


Unbelievably, they did:

ATTN:BLUE CRESCENT EAT-M-UP WIGGLE INC.

DEAR LIBERACE,

WE ARE GLAD TO INTRODUCE OUR ENTERPRISE AS A LIFELONG SPORTSMAN LOCATED IN ABIDJAN,THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL CITY OF COTE D'IVOIRE IN WEST AFRICA,BORDERING THE NORTH ATLANTIC OCEAN,BETWEEN GHANA AND LIBERIA. THE COUNTRY IS GEOGRAPHICALLY CORDINATED 800N AND 500W WITH TOTAL AREA 322,460 SQ KM, THE LAND AREA COVERS 318,000 SQ KM WHILE THE WATER AREA IS 4,460 SQ KM.

FISHING IS GENERALLY AVAILABLE IN COTE D'IVOIRE THROUGH OUT THE YEAR.THE BEST FISHING PERIOD HOWEVER IS BETWEEN JUNE TO SEPTEMBER.THIS PERIOD PROVIDES EXCELLENT SPORTS FISHING FOR BIG YELLOW FISH TUNA,ONE OF THE STRONGEST FISH IN THE OCEAN.MORETHAN 250 SPECIES OF FISH CAN BE CAUGHT THROUGH FLY,LINE,GAME,SURF OR REEF FISHING.THE MERGING OF THE COOL ATLANTIC AND THE WARM COAST CREATES A HIGH CONCENTRATION OF THE GAME FISH,INCLUDING MARLIN AND TUNA.BIG BLUE MARLIN AND A NUMBER OF STRIPED AND BLACK MARLIN ARE ALSO FOUND AS WELL SAIFISH.

WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE HIGHLY INTERSETED IN BECOMING AN IMPORT AGENT OF YOUR COMPANY-THE KNOWN CRESCENT EAT -M-UP WIGGLE BABIES PLASTIC WARM.WE FANCY AND DEEMED YOUR PRODUCT VERY ESSENTIAL IN OUR FISHING INDUSTRY DUE TO IT'S DISTINCTIVE CHARACTERISTICS AND QUALITIES WHICH ENHANCES AND INCREASES THE EFFECIENCY AND OUR OUTPUT.

IT WILL INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT AFTER APPLYING DIFFERENT FISHING METHODS, WE RECOMMEND AND APPRECIATE YOUR "STRAWBERRY STINKER" MODEL PLASTIC WORM.THIS PRODUCT AFTER USAGE PROVED TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ANY OTHER SIMILAR PRODUCTS WE HAVE USED IN THE PAST.WE WERE VERY MUCH EXCITED AND IMPRESSED ON VARIOUS OCCASIONS WE USED YOUR PRODUCT AS A MATTER OF FACT.

AT THIS STAGE WE DEEMED IT NECESSARY TO THROW MORE LIGHT IN OUR ENTHUSIASM REGARDING YOUR PRODUCT BY STATING A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE IN ONE OF OUR FISHING OUTINGS.THIS EXPERIENCE TOOK PLACE AT OUR NORMAL FISHING TERRITORY (BASSAM BEACH )IT WAS ONE FAITHFUL DAY, THE WEATHER WAS PERFECT FOR FISHING,IT WAS A SURPRISE WHEN WE SAW A LARGE BASS(FISH) IN THE DEPTH OF THE WATER MOVING AROUND LIKE A HUNGRY LION,WE QUICKLY SENT THE PLASTIC WORM AND IMMEDIATELY THE FISH SAW THE WORM,HE DIVED AND SWALLOWED EVERY THING,BUT AS IF HE DID NOT KNOW THAT HE HAS BEEN TRAPPED CONTINUED ROAMING AROUND THE VICINITY SEARCHING FOR MORE WORMS TO EAT. AT A TIME HE NOTICED SOME FORCES PULLING HIM AT ONE DIRECTION AND AT THIS JUNCTURE, THERE WAS THUG OF WAR BETWEEN US AND THE FISH WHICH LASTED FOR COUPLE OF TIME.IN FACT THE RESISTANCE OF THE FISH AND THE DRAGGING WAS JUST LIKE A FILM AND LUCKLY FOR US WE SUCEEDED IN PULLING THE FISH INTO OUR BOAT,BUT STILL,WHILE THE FISH WAS IN THE BOAT,IT APPEARED AS IF HE REGAINED MOMENTUM AS HE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN STRUGGLING TO FIND HIS WAY BACK TO THE WATER BUT LUCK WAS AGAINST HIM .

CONSIDERING THIS PARTICULAR EVENT, WE COULD THEREFORE COMFIRM THAT SUCH A MAGNIFICENT PLASTIC WORM CAN BE THE SOURCE OF GREAT PROFITS TO US,WERE WE TO SELL YOUR PRODUCT IN OUR COUNTRY.IN FACT,THIS PRODUCT,WE FEEL,WOULD OPEN UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO DEVELOP THE SPORT OF BASS FISHING,AND THEREFORE WE ARE GREATLY INTERESTED IN INVESTING IN THE "EAT-M-UP WIGGLE BABY" LINE.AS A MATTER OF SINCERITY,WE FEEL THAT IF THE YOUTH OF OUR COUNTRY WERE TO SPEND MORE TIME IN BASS FISHING,THAN CAUSING TROUBLE AND BEHAVING IN CRIMINAL FASHION,OUR COUNTRY WOULD BE BETTER OFF MORALLY AND SOCIALLY.

AS A MATTER OF SINCERITY,THERE IS NO GAIN EMPHASISING MUCH ON THE VARIOUS EXPERIENCES GATHERED BY FISHING WITH PLASTIC WORM,BUT WE LIKE TO FORWARD IN ADDITION A SPECIFIC REFERNCE WHERE BASS FISHING REDEEMED ONE THE CRIMINALS INTO A NORMAL BUSINESS LIFE.IT IS NOT A NEWS THAT JUVENILE DELIQUENCY IN WEST AFRICA IS INCREASING AT A EVERY HIGH PACE.YOUTHS OF TODAY DERIVE JOY IN CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES,A DAY NEVER PASSES BY WITHOUT WITNESSING AN ARMED ROBBERS ATTACK AS IT HAS BECOME THE ORDER OF THE DAY.IN MANY CASES,IT MAY CLAIM INNOCENT SOULS.THESE RAMPANT, ILLEGAL ACTINGS HAVE INVOLKED FEARS INTO MILLIONS OF PEOPLE MAINLY ON THE STRANGERS AS ONE CAN BE EASILY ATTACKED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

IT IS UNFORTUNATE THAT THESE YOUTHS WHO USUALLY ENGAGE THEMSELVES IN THIS DIRTY ACTIVITIES MAINLY ARE NOT EDUCATED AS THEY REFUSED GOING TO SCHOOLS AND THE CHANCES OF EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY ARE VERY RARE.THE LITTLE OFFICE VACANCIES ARE MEARNT FOR THE FEW WHO ACQUIRED THE SKILL.WORST TILL,THESE BAD BOYS HAVE REFUSED TO SUCUMB LOW TO ACCEPT UNSKILLED LABOUR.THEN WHAT CAN A MAN DO? "MAN MUST WAK"(EAT).THEREFORE TO SATISFY THEIR STOMACH,THEY RESORT TO STEALING AND OTHER MALPRACTICES WHICH FINALLY LAND THEM TO JAILS.IT IS CRAZY WHEN YOU VISIT ONE OF THE PRISONS SITUATED IN THE CAPITAL CITY ABIDJAN COTE D'IVIORE NAMED "YOUPUGON PRISON",YOU CAN SEE WHERE THE GOVERNMENT WASTED MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN CONSTRUCTING THE MAGNIFICIENT BUILDINGS AND EVERY DAY NOT LESS THAN FIFTY CULPRITS ARE BROUGHT TO THE PRISON.IT IS UNBELIEVABLE THAT GOVERNMENT FINDS IT DIFFICULT TO SEARCH FOR SOLUTION TO THESE ALARMING UGLY SITUATIONS CONTRIBUTING HARM THAN GOOD TO THE NATION IN PARTICULAR AND THE WORLD AS A WHOLE.

DEAR LIBERACE,IT WILL INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT FISHING WITH PLASTIC WORM SINCE IT WAS INTRODUCED TO THE YOUTHS HAS GONE A LONG WAY REDUCING THE CRIME IN THE NATION.THE INITIATIVE STARTED JUST FOR ONE DAY I APPROACHED A NOTOROUS BANDIT BY NAME "PABLO"RESIDING ARROUND MY TERRITORY KOUMASSI TOWN,THIS CRIMINAL WITH HIS GANG USUALLY OPERATE IN BROAD DAY LIGHT MAINLY AROUND 10 AM -11 AM WHEN WORKERS AND TRADERS HAVE GONE TO THEIR VARIOUS PLACES OF WORK,BY THIS TIME EVERY WHERE IS SCANTY AND DRY.THIS GANG OPERATES BY USING "DAGGER KNIVES" SNATCHING MOSTLY MOBILE PHONES,JEWELRIES AND CASH FROM PEOPLE,THEY ALSO INVOLVE IN HOUSE BREAKAGE,SOME INNOCENT PEOPLE FALL VICTIM TO THESE UNSCRUPULOUS ELEMENTS WHEN THEY REFUSE TO SURRENDER THEIR BELONGINGS TO THEM,THEY CAN EVEN GO TO THE EXTREEM OF APPLYING THIS DANGEROUS WEAPONS INFUSING INJURIES ON THEM AND UNLUCKY ONES DIED IN THE EVENT. THAT DAY I SUMMONED COURAGE TO INVITE PABLO THE BANDIT FOR A LUNCH,ON A ROUND TABLE MEETING, WHILE WE ARE ENJOYING OURSELVES WITH SOME DELICIOUS FOOD AND DRINKS,I FOCUSED HIS MEMORY ON OUR DISCUSSION TO THE IMPORTANCE OF FISHING AND PROFIT THEREIN.I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE HIM AND HAVE A SCHEDULE TO ACCOMPANY ME IN A FISHING OUTING,THAT DAY,IT WAS MIRACULOUS AS HE COULD NOT BELIEVE THE NUMBER OF FISHES WE CAUGHT WHICH ATTRACTED A LOT OF PROFITS,we continued this exercise for a period of three days before I encourage him to begin on his own.

After Pablo was assumed to be converted when he was initially introduced into Bass fishing and he played the sport for the first day on his own, every one thought that Pablo will automatically not succumb to his previous criminal life but surprisingly we found out that he even proceeded to commit more dangerous acting. This time Pablo involved in car snatching, he joined a gang that operate in the major roads blocking people with their own cars, snatching cars under gun point. In a specific attack by Pablo and his gang just after a week he left us and started on his own,he went an operation where they snatch two cars, they did not only snatched two cars but rather they had stop-over and robbed a very big filling station ,collected all the available cash and drove off. But being intelligent gang, they did not continue with these cars to avoid easy tracing, they therefore, swiftly double- crossed another Peugeot car and made away with it abandoning the former vehicles they were with. The attack was a very dangerous one but did not claim any life.

The following day, the news quickly spread all over the town and after my thorough investigation, I found out that Mr Pablo was among the team that took the operation. It started to beat my imagination why pablo will behaved abnormally again after our previous fishing outings which efforts were made to convince him to a normal business activity. I visualised and gazed that probably he was not satisfied with the bass fishing

AND SPECIFICALLY THE USAGE OF "SLINKAMATIC GET-M-KRAZEE BASS-BLASTER HYDROCARBON WORM". PABLO LAMENTED THAT WHAT CONTRIBUTED IMMENSELY TO DEMORALIZED HIM TO THE GRASS ROOT AND WHY HE TOOK THE DECISION TO DISENGAGE HIMSELF FROM FISHING ACTIVITIES AND JOINED BACK TO HIS FORMER UGLY BUSINESS OF HOUSE BREAKING (BREAK AN ENTRY) AND EVEN TO THE EXTENT OF JOINING THE GANG OF CAR SNATCHERS WAS WHEN HE APPLIED THE USE OF "SLINKAMATIC GET-M-KRAZEE BASS-BLASTER HYDROCARBON WORM". THIS SYSTEM OF FISHING HE CRITISIZED IS BORING,INEFFICIENCY,FATIGUE, AND NEEDS AN ADDITIONAL ENERGY AND STAMINA TO OPERATE.WORST STILL, HE COMMENTED THAT THE ODOUR IS VERY IRRITATING, UNPLEASANT AND CHOCKING. HE FURTHER SAID THAT THIS INSTRUMENT NEEDS TO BE MODERNIZE IN ORDER TO SUIT THE YOUNG AND FUTURE GENERATION OR BE PHASED OUT ENTIRELY FROM THE SOCIETY TO AVOID DISCOURAGING THE YOUTHS WHO HAVE BRIGHTER HOPE IN ADOPTING FISHING AS AN OCCUPATION.ALL THESE NEGATIVE QUALITIES THIS MACHINE POSSESS RESULTED TO THE EXTENT THAT THE FISH ITSELF SEES THE UGLINESS AND THEREFORE THE WORMS BECOME UNATTRACTIVE,UNNATURAL APPEARANCE AND FEELS ARTIFICIAL THEREFORE GENERATE FORCES THAT REPEL FISHES. IN THIS CASE, IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO CATCH FISH AND ONES PURPOSE IS THEN DEFEATED.IN A NUTSHEL, WE WANT TO USE THIS MEDIUM TO CAUTION THE ENTIRE PUBLIC AND TO CREATE AWARENESS CONCERNING THE ABOVE MACHINE WHICH CAUSES HARM THAN GOOD WHEN IT IS APPLIED IN USE.

I immediately thought it wise to introduce him using wiggle baby plastic worm; It took me an additional effort and sweet tongue to convinced him just to have a schedule with me for another private talk. After Pablo has considered his last operation and the huge money realised, he felt satisfactory and thought he was on the top of the world. But notwithstanding, I succeeded afterward summoning a meeting with him convincing him to accompany me once again to fishing outing .This time around I introduced him to WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM which yielded a perfect result. This time,Pablo saw the difference and believed that all FINGERS ARE NOT EQUAL after comparison with the former method of fishing and the performances of the WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM. He lamented "I saw with an infinite pleasure, the great object of my mission". He was attracted with every quality of this product more especially the pleasant odour possessed by the worm just like the fragrance oozing out from a hibiscus flowers which stimulates somebody to feel like the world is a bird of roses. . Pablo was felt with full attraction of the WORM which possessed a natural appearance like a living earth WORM, sighting his feeling on the magnificent WORM on his hand and the way it was turning itself round like if it was a real living object ,Pablo was actually convinced that through this STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM sporting, he could make a good living without being told. He even wanted to go home with the worm just to be making sure he always stays around it just for the comfort and joy he derives. He further lamented that one will be opportune to caught a lot of fishes when once this STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM enters into the sea swimming majestically creating attraction to the fish. In this case and to save the life of this young man and others, we lend some spares of our STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM to Pablo and he is still making use of this magnificent instrument sporting with his group turning up huge quantities of fishes in all their outings, given testimony about WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM and to God for his life saved.

It may interest you to know that Mr Pablo has presently turned to be a recognised great fishing sportsman with his group as they always make a large turn over compared with others in the field as such they are one of the leading suppliers of fishes to our continental hotels and government guest houses including prisons and other large consumers even to our nearby countries like Guinea Conakry, Ghana and Burkina Faso.

Meanwhile, their immediate project is establishing a fishing pond which is taking place in YAMOUSSOUKRO the administrative capital city of Cote d Ivoire. Recently, Pablo recognising the source of his wealth and where he started approached us for order of more WIGGLE BABY PLASTIC WORM in a large quantity. You can bear with us and see by yourself how STRAWBERRY STINKER WORM had changed a notorious armed robber to a recognised and genuine person in the society. We therefore plead for your maximum co-operation in making sure this productis supplied to us without delay to enable us satisfy the demand.

TO SEE WHAT PLASTIC WORM FISHING HAS DONE BY CHANGING AUTOMATICALLY THE ENTIRE LIFE OF THIS HARD CRIMINAL.HE REALISED THAT USING THIS MACHING IS SIMPLE,YIELDS PROFITS AND DOSE NOT SUBJECT HIM TO MORE DANGER COMPARED TO HIS FORMER OCCUPATION.I AM NOT TRYING TO EXAGERATE, THIS YOUNG MAN HAS UNTILL TODAY CONVERTED REASONABLE NUMBERS OF HIS CRIMINAL COLLEAGUES TO A BETTER LIFE BY INTRODUCING THEM TO JOIN THE BASS FISHING.

VERY IMPORTANT,WE WILL LIKE TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST US TO IMPORT THE MACHINES TO MAKE THE WORMS.THE NAME OF THE MACHINE IS A WORMIATOR PLASTIC BAIT EXTRUDER.

SIR,IN ORDER TO REDUCE CRIME TO THE GRASS ROOT LEVEL IN THIS COUNTRY AND TO SALVAGE THE UGLY SITUATION,WE ARE OF THE OPINION THAT YOU SUPPLY US YOUR WORMIATOR MACHINE IN A VERY LARGE QUANTITY AND ALSO VISIT OUR COUNTRY TO INCULCATE YOUR PROFESSIONAL IDEAS AND TECHNICAL- KNOW- HOW TO US FOR MORE IMPROVEMENT.WHEN ONCE THIS IS DONE,IT WILL GIVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO ABSORB NEW EMPLOYEES WHO ARE SEEKING FOR EMPLOYMENT AND THEREFORE REDUCING CRIMES IN OUR COUNTRY COTE D'IVOIRE.

YOURS SINCERLY,
MARIAM AND IDRIS MUSTAPHA.

When will these guys give up?


scamorama