NIGERIAN LIQUIFIED NATURAL GAS. LAGOS CENTRAL OFFICE, LAGOS-NIGERIA.
DEAR SIR,
RE: TRANSFER OF USD45,500,000.00 (FORTY-FIVE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) TO A SAFE ACCOUNT.
I wish to intimate you with this proposal in my capacity as Chief Accountant and in full agreement with the Auditor-General of this Company (Nigeria Liqiuified NaturalGas) . We scrutinized all records and the accounts of awarded and executed contracts of this company (NLNG) during the previous military regime, since the inception of democracy in Nigeria and carefully uncover and mapped out a whopping sum USD $45.5m which we want to transfer into your account as the beneficiary. It might interest you to know that beginning of this current civilian government at a working assets capital of USD 3billion and will definitely gulp more USD 2billion on the completion of the fifty part. You can authentically apply for supply if it interest you to be our client with full guarantee from me. The money $45.5m has been approved for payment by this company NLNG, the Federal Ministry of Finance (endorsed by the Accountant General of the Federation) and to be paid by the Apex bank of Nigeria under contract number, NLAG/FGN/FMF/CBN/B2517/99.
As top civil Servants,we are not authorized to operate foreign bank accounts hence our decision to use your account in full trust and confidence to transfer this money outside Nigeria. We have accepted you as our foreign partner and will regularize and update the approvals to reflect you as the true beneficiary of the contract sum USD $45.5m(FORTY FIVE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLAR). Moreover, it is pertinent to note that it is not risky and does not require much engagements since we have taken care of the deal in full capacity.
We have resolved to give you 25% of the total sum for your assistance. If you are interested in this deal, please, contact me through my email. Address above for more lively information.
Remember to give to me your phone and fax lines through which l can send you approved documents for your perusal. I am anxiously waiting for yourresponse with hope that you will understand the confidential nature f this transaction.
Best regards
MR.SUNNY UCHE.
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk, USS ENTERPRISE
Dear Mr. Uche,
Your proposal sounds attractive. Please send me the details on how to proceed. I am afraid that we are unable to receive or send faxes or use civilian telephones on board this ship due to the heightened worldwide terrorism alert. Let's continue to email for the present time.
Sincerely Yours,
James T. Kirk
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN.JAMES T.KIRK ,
THANKS FOR YOUR ACCEPTANCE TO ASSIST US IN THIS PROJECT.
BELOW ARE THE REQUIRED INFORMATIONS FOR THE COMMENCEMENT OF THIS PROJECT;
(1) YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS.
(2) YOUR COMPANY"S NAME AND ADDRESS.
(3) THE NAME OF THE BANK YOU WANT US TO USE.
(4) THE ACCOUNT NUMBER WHERE THIS FUND WILL BE LODGED INTO.
(5) YOU PRIVATE PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS FOR EASY COMMUNICATIONS.
ON THE RECEIPT OF THE ABOVE PARTICULARS, I WILL USE IT TO SUBMIT FOR CLAIMS OF THE FUND AT THE CONCERNED GOVERNMENTAL PARASTATALS. FOR YOU INFORMATION, THIS TRANSACTION WILL LAST FOR 9 BANKING DAYS FROM THE DAY I RECEIVED THE AFFORESTATED INFORMATIONS, WHICH MAKES YOU THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND.
ONCE AGAIN I AM THANKING YOU FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED COOPERATIONS. YOU CAN CALL ME ON MY NUMBER 2348023877491.
BEST REGARDS.
SUNNY UCHE.
N.B. THIS NEW EMAIL ADDRESS TO THIS BUSINESS.ALL CORESPONDENCE SHOULD BE ON THIS NEW EMAIL ADDRESS FOR SECURITY REASONS.
[Note to the reader: Kirk's bank data copied from a earlier scam artist's letter.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk, USS ENTERPRISE
Dear Mr Uche,
Thank you for your quick reply. I shall try to answer your queries regarding the information you listed in your email to the best of my ability.
1) Full name and address. James T. Kirk, I am captain of the Constitution-class starship U.S.S. Enterprise. At present I don't have an address, we are on a five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilazations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
2) I am employed by Starfleet, its headquarters are in San Francisco, Earth. It's located right next to the Starfleet Academy building.
3) It's probably best to use an Earth-based bank, see below:
CITIBANK NA-NEW YORK SWIFT CODE:CITI US33 CR.TO:LA CAIXA SWIFT CODE:CAIX ESBB 666 A/C NO USD:ES50-2100-1464-4172-0030-2562. IN FAVOUR OF MORGAN FINANCE INTERNATIONAL LTD.
4) See above for the account number.
5) As I have explained earl er, we no longer use fax or telephones (this is rather outdated 20th-century technology), we now use communicators and the second generation uses com-badges. So if you could get a hold of a commun-icator that would be helpful, or I could have one sent to you. Please advise. Remember when communicating to use a sub-space band, or it won't go through.
Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise
Dear Mr. Uche,
Just to let you know that we are heading out for Outpost 4, which guards the Neutral Zone between Federation and Romulan space. We are speeding along at warp 5, so I hope to arrive early tomorrow; in the meantime we are unable to respond to incoming emails whilst at warp-speed.
Because of the sensitiveness of your business proposal, also notwithstanding my position, I shall be requiring your assurances that everything be kept discreet and I suggest you send a copy of some form of documentation of yourself, such as a passport. Further any documentation that you can email me will certainly lend some validation with regards to our business. I am very enthusiastic to proceed further with this business, and hope to hear from you soon.
Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
MR.SUNNY UCHE
Attn.Kirk thanks for your mail.why i did not send to you the documents which i promises that as soon as my lawyer came back from Abuja that i will send to you is that yesterday was a public holiday to Nigeria which means that know activites moves yesterday in Nigeria.
Now i have not sumitt any document to the bankand this is the reason why i have not done that.
First and foremost,if i may ask,how do i receive our own share of the money .Since you are in the sea.Secondly, I will like you to send to me the communicator because i will like to be communicating with you over this deal and other business arrangements. you can send the communicator to me on this address.
Mr.Arah Boniface Amobi No.5 Seidu Street,Okokomaiko Lagos. This is my lawyer's address.You can send it thyrough DHL Couria services
Thanks and best regards,
SUNNY UCHE.
[I hate when they do that de-cloaking thing.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr. Uche,
The USS Enterprise has finally arrived at Outpost 4. There was a small incident involving the Romulans. Their vessels are equipped with a cloaking device, so our external sensors are unable to detect them until they de-cloak. I hate when they do that. We are now heading off for Delos 9.
I have some good news; I?ve asked our science officer Mr. Spock to set up a Western Union connection (on the USS Enterprise) for my own personal use. This is not only a private and confidential set-up, but I shall now be able to receive payments and also make possible any upfront payments which you have alluded to in your last email. I am still awaiting the arrival of the promised documents. Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
[Note to the reader: Uche sends a picture marked Chris in the attachment. Could Chris be his real name? Is this an actual picture of Uche?]
MR.SUNNY UCHE
DEAR JAMES,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR INFORMATION.I WILL BE SENDING YOU THE SECURED DOCUMENTS IN REGARDS TO THIS TRANSACTION BY TOMORROW.REMEMB R THAT THIS DEAL MOST BE KEPT CONFIDENCIAL FOR SECURITY REASONS.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS,
UCHE.
ATTN.JAMES, THIS IS MY PICTURE .CONFIRM THE RECEIPT TO ME. UCHE.
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Mr. Uche,
Thanks for your picture. We have just received an order from Starfleet Command to plot a course for Eminiar 7. This is a diplomatic mission, we will be meeting with several counsel members. It's been quite a while since I've beamed down onto anything with an away-team, so we are excited and apprehensive at the same time if you know what I mean. The communicator has already been sent to the address you supplied in an earlier email. Did I mention this to you or not?
Regards,
James T. Kirk
Enclosed picture of myself
[Uche sends "persuasively real looking" documents, complete with stamps and signatures.]
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN. JAMES,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR MAIL AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION.AS SOON AS I RECEIVE THE COMMUNICATOR I WILL LET YOU KNOW.
NOW EVERYTHING CONCERN THIS TRANSACTION IS MOVING FINE.I HAVE BE ABLE TO SECURE THE DOCUMENTS AS I PROMISED.ANY INFORMATION I WILL LET YOU KNOW.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS,
SUNNY UCHE.
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN. JAMES,
PLEASE, SEND TO ME THE AIRWAY BILL UMBER AS WELL AS THE RECEIVER'S NAME AND THE SENDER'S TO ENABLE ME PICK UP THE COMMUNICATOR FROM THE DHL OFFICE.
I AM WAITING.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS.
UCHE.
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr. Uche,
It was my Communications Officer Lt. Uhura who actually sent you the communicator package, so I'll have to ask her your questions and get back to you in due course. Meanwhile, I have received your documents regarding our little business and frankly can't make heads or tails of it. Hell, I still can?t work out how those star-dates work. Therefore, Mr. Spock (my Science Officer and second in command) will pore over these 2 documents, as soon as he can find the time that is, and verify them for content and authenticity.
The USS Enterprise is now in orbit around Eminiar 7. The landing-party which includes Scott, McCoy and myself has already beamed down. We had a brief preliminary meeting with the people representing the local authorities, and will start the actual diplomatic talks in the morning. I am sending you a picture of this brief encounter, quite obviously for your eyes only. I shall email you again soon.
Regards, Captain James T. Kirk
[No word from Uche for several days now, was that last picture taking things too far? Time for a more serious letter.
Authentic sounding Startrek technology is copied from the Startrek website.
Use the little screwdriver.
http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/library/technology/article/70261.html]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr Uche,
Thanks for your last email, I am very pleased about how well things are coming along, no doubt thanks to your efforts in the perusal of things at your end. It is now important for both of us to take our business one step forward (a giant leap for mankind, in a manner of speaking), and that is the voice-to-voice communication, which I am immensely looking forward to in the coming days.
Is DHL supposed to inform me if my package has arrived at its destination?
Anyway, here is the data you requested about the communicator package. It is not a huge device, about the size of a PDA; so don't expect a large parcel.
Airway Bill Number: 01189524 Senders Name: James T. Kirk Receivers Name: Mr.Arah Boniface Amobi
The communicator comes with an adapter, a universal plug, and an instruction manual in English. On the back of the communicator you will find a switch for 110v or 220v. This is important, before doing anything else switch (using the little screwdriver supplied in the kit) to the appropriate voltage. For security reasons the rechargeable batteries are uncharged, so they will need an initial charge for a minimum of 8 hours.
Your communicator is state of the art communications, developed by NASA in the early ?90s, and operates by means of subspace radio, which sends electromagnetic signals through subspace, boosting the signal's range and speed to translight velocities. Sub pace signals can carry audiovisual data as well as text messages. Within Federation boundaries, a network of relay stations augments subspace communication and amplifying and rerouting messages as needed.
The initial data input requires you to know your latitude and longitude (of your current position in degrees and minutes). This is done in >setup< mode, one time only unless you move around a lot. I will send you more information about the initial data input in a subsequent email. Let me know if you have any difficulties finding your lat. and long.
Regards,
James T. Kirk
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN.JAMES,
I AM VERY HAPPY THIS MORNING TO INFORM YOU THAT FEDERAL MINISTRIE OF FINANCE HAS APPROVED THE FUND.WHICH MEANS THAT THEY HAVE APPROVED THE FUN TO THE PAYING BANK THAT WILL PAY THE FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND.
THEREFORE ANY INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM THE PAYING BANK YOU SHOULD LET ME KNOW.MEANWHILE THE RECEIPT OF APPROVAL FROM F.M.F WILL BE SEND TO YOU FOR YOUR CONFRIMATION AND FOR YOUR RECORD PURPOSES.
ONCE AGAIN I HAVE WENT TO DHL OFFICE THIS MORNING TO CONFIRM THE COMMMUNICATOR AND THEY SAID IT IS NOT.PLEASE CONFIRM TO ME IF IT IS DHL COURIE SERVICE YOU USE OR NOT.YOU CAN SEND THE RECEIPT OF THE AIRWAY BILL TO ME.I AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS. UCHE.
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN. JAMES,
THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO GIVE ME THE NAME OF THE COURIER COMPANY WHICH YOU SEND THE PARKAGE WITH SO THAT I CAN BE ABLE TO KNOW THE PARTICULAR COURIER COMPANY. LIKE I TOLD YOU I HAVE BEEN AT DHL OFFICE IN LAGOS THIS MORNING TO QUEST FOR THE ARRIVAL OF THE PACKAGE BUT I WAS TOLD THAT THE NUMBER WITH ME IS NOT AN DHL AIR BILL NUMBER.
SO TO AVERT THIS PROBLEM, SEND TO ME THE RECEIPT IN WHICH YOU WERE GIVEN AT THE COURIER COMPANY OVER THERE.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS.
UCHE.
[Sorry about sending you to the DHL office twice. Kirk explains some Startrek technology. Click ok. The idea with sending Uche money is to divide the amount by three (for reasons of security) and send him to three different Western Union offices to try to collect the money.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr Uche,
THE GOOD NEWS
I am very pleased to receive the good news that the Federal Ministry of Finance has approved the fund to the paying bank. I am sure you will keep me up to speed with regards to any developments in this area, and in turn, I will keep you posted of any contact that the bank has with me
THE COURIER
That must have been very disappointing to go to the DHL offices for nothing, and twice too. Now I must apologize to you about the mix-up, and it is entirely my fault. Uhura sent the package not by DHL but by diplomatic mail, a service provided by Starfleet. This mail is always delivered by hand to the address given. So please check with your lawyer if it has turned up there. Once again sorry about that.
THE COMMUNICATOR SETUP MODE
Should you then finally receive the communicator, please follow the simple instructions below. When you turn the communicator on for the very first time you will see a >setup< window and you will be prompted to enter in the following data:
Quadrant? Alpha
click ok
Planet? Solar 3
click ok
Latitude? 6 deg 27 min N
click ok
Longitude? 3 deg 24 min E
click ok
UserID? 4191
click ok
Band? Subspace
click ok If all the in
puts are done correctly, a message will appear on the monitor installation successful?. Click ok.
Now you are done and ready to communicate!
Mr Spock has already pre-programmed the possible people to get in touch with using the communicator:
Press the >list< key and two names (for the time being only 2) will appear on the monitor:
Kirk
Uhura
Then press the >call< key. Should you get stuck just use the >help< key on the communicator, or refer to the manual. Good luck, and I hope to hear your voice coming through the communicator soon!
EXPENSES ACCOUNT
Seeing that you are probably paying bills and making expenses with regards to our business, I would like to propose to set up an expenses account in your name. This will help to defray some of the costs that you are incurring on my behalf. It will then be your responsibility to administer this account and keep a record of the expenses that you are making in the way of travelling, and sundry fees to various people in the final process of liberating the funds. I suggest this amount to be USD 16500 and this can be transferred by way of Western Union for sake of confidentiality. You will then deposit this money into a proper bank account. I would appreciate that you think about this, and advise me in due course, if this is prudent course of action, or if it were necessary at all at this stage.
Regards,
James T. Kirk
[Funds to be transferred into Kirk's Earth-based bank. Kirk is prodded to come in person.]
MR KENNEDY NJOKU
ATTN: MR. JAMES T.KIRK
STARSHIP U.S.S.ENTERPRISES
REF: NLNG/FGN/FMF/CBN/B2517/99, AMOUNT $45.5M
SIR,
WE HAVE BEEN AUTHORIZED BY THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE TO PAY YOUR CONTRACT SUM VALUED AT FORTY-FIVE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS ($45,500,000.00) ONLY ON THE CONTRACT EXECUTED FOR THE NIGERIAN LIQUIFIED NATURAL GAS COMPANY ON CONT ACT N0. NLNG/FGN/FMF/CBN/B2517/99.
CONSEQUENTLY, THE MANAGEMENT OF THIS BANK HAVE EMPOWERED ME, IN MY CAPACITY AS THE FOREIGN OPERATIONS MANAGER, TO DULY REMIT THE TOTAL FUND INTO YOUR DESIGNATED ACCOUNT IN
BANKER: BANK. EARTH-BASED BANK
SWIFT C
DE:CAIX ESBB 666
A/C NO USD ES50-2100-1464-4172-0030-2562.
IN FAVOUR OF MORGAN FINANCE INTERNATIONAL LTD
YOU ARE, THEREFORE, REQUIRED TO COME IN PERSON TO ENDORSE THE PAYMENT RELEASE ORDER DOCUMENT (P.R.O.D.) SO AS TO AUTHORIZE THE REMITTANCE OF HIS FUND INTO YOUR DESIGNATED ACCOUNT AS ABOVE IN COMPLIANCE TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA FOREIGN PAYMENT ACT OF 1999 AS AMENDED IN ACT 2002 (5) OF THE FEDERAL CONSTITUTION OF NIGERIA BECAUSE WE SHALL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR WRONGFUL REMITTANCE OF FUNDS AFTERWARDS. YOUR PAYMENT IS THEREFORE CONSIDERED PAID PENDING YOUR PRESENCE IN THE FOREIGN OFFICE OF THIS BANK, BANK OF AFRICA PLC TO ENDORSE THE VITAL BANK DOCUMENTS. BE INFORMED THAT WE NEED YOUR UTMOST RESPONSE AS TO WHEN YOU WIL BE HERE PERSONALLY TO ENABLE US SCHEDULE YOUR PAYMENT.
PLEASE, SIR, WE URGE YOU TO COMPLY WITH THE LAID DIRECTIVE TO ENABLE US SERVE YOU BETTER. FOR FURTHER CLARIFICATION, YOU ARE ADVISED TO CALL 234-1-4712675 TO TALK TO THE UNDERSIGNED OR FAX N . 234-1-7591045.
THANKS FOR YOUR COOPERATION. YOURS FAITHFULLY,
MR KENNEDY NJOKU
FOREIGN OPERATIONS MANAGER, BOA.
[Seeing that all of the characters are make-believe, Kirk can make a make-believe phone call to the make-believe Njoku at the make-believe Bank of Africa and make a make-believe appointment. Kirk is going out on a limb here and wagers that Njoku does not check his mailbox on time to catch this. Message is sent late in the afternoon.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr Kennedy Njoku,
Regarding our most pleasant conversation on the telephone this afternoon, I herewith confirm our meeting tomorrow 10.00 a.m. at your office at the Bank of Africa. I am very pleased that you are able to see me on such short notice. I also confirm receipt of the scanned plan of Lagos with directions to the Bank.
I shall be bringing along the relevant documents that my agent Mr Sunny Uche has diligently prepared in advance, as well as the photographs and my passport for identification, as discussed. Please be advised that my science officer Mr Spock and medical officer Mr McCoy will also be attending this meeting, and who will witness the signing of the Payment Release Order Document (P.R.O.D.).
Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN.JAMES,
I HOPE YOU RECEIVED RECEIPT OF F.M.F.APPROVAL THAT I SEND TO YOU.
PLEASE ANY TIME YOU HEAR FROM THE PAYING BANK YOU SHOULD PLEASE LET ME KNOW.I HAVE NOT RECEIVED THE COMMUNICATOR. I WILL LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME THE NAME OF THE COURIER COMPANY SO THAT I CAN GO TO THEIR OFFICE HERE IN LAGOS, AS IT IS IMPORTANT FOR US TO BE COMMUNICATING TO OURSELVES.
I AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
UCHE.
[Njoku has apparently still not checked his mailbox for messages, so Kirk sends him a thank you note.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr. Kennedy Njoku,
It was indeed a pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning at the Bank of Africa, and the courtesy extended by yourself and your staff has left a most favourable impression on us.
You will be interested to hear that my account manager at my bank has just phoned me and has confirmed receipt into my account of USD 45. million. Thanks again, especially for addressing the security issues, for which you undoubtedly had very little time to implement.
Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr. Uche,
Where are you, I have been trying in vain to reach you on the communicator since yesterday. Please reply as soon as you read this. Have indeed received a letter from a Mr. Kennedy Njoku of the Bank of Africa. I have already taken the liberty of setting things in motion.
Regards,
James T. Kirk
[I'll bet you didn't know that Starfleet has an Embassy in Abuja.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr Uche,
I have just received a communique from the junior diplomat Mr Jay Leno at the Diplomatic Mail Operations Desk of the Starfleet Embassy in your country. Let me just give you the message verbatim:
Dear James, With regards to your package sent on 2 February 2004 addressed as follows:
Mr.Arah Boniface Amobi
No.5 Seidu Street,Okokomaiko Lagos
I regret to inform you that after extensive searching we are unable to deliver this package by hand to above address. Could you please verify this address, as no such address exists in Lagos.
Sincerely Yours
Jay Leno
Defence Attache Office
Starfleet Embassy Abuja
Please advise if you want to pick up the package at the Embassy, and I will inform Jay Leno accordingly.
Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN JAMES,
HERE IS THE APPROVAL RECEIPT FROM FMF.I AM WAITING TO RECEIVE THE COMMUNICATOR, BUT NOW IT HAS NOT ARRIVED TO MY LAWYER ADDRESS.
CONCERNING THE EXPENSES YOU ASK OF NOW, IT IS NOT NECESSARY AT THIS POINT IN TIME AS THE FUND IS YET TO BE DEPOSITED IN YOUR ACCOUNT. WHAT YOU WILL DO IS TO BE TAKING DOWN EVERY EXPENSES YOU MADE AS WELL AS MYSELF. THIS IS BECAUSE ALL THE EXPENSES MUST BE DEDUCTED BEFORE THE SHARING PROPER.
ONCE AGAIN I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO RECEIVING THE PACKAGE FROM THE DIPLOMATIC COURIER COMPANY. AND YOU SHOULD MAINTAIN CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS DEAL.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS.
UCHE.
[Oops, I guess that was then a real address. ]
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN. JAMES KIRK,
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL. INFACT, I AM AMISED AS YOU SAY THAT A MILITARY ATTACHEE WITH YOUR HIGH COMMISSION HERE IN NIGERIA WAS TELLING YOU THAT THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THIS ADDRESS IN LAGOS. MAY BE HE LOOKED FOR THIS ADDRESS IN ABUJA NOT IN LAGOS.
TO MAKE EVERYTHING SHORT, #5 SEIDU STREET ABULE AKA ROAD, OFF CHEMIST-BUSSTOP IN OJO LOCAL GOVERNMENT AREA OF LAGOS STATE IS WELL KNOWN TO EVERY BODY WITHIN THE METROPOLIS. SO TELL YOUR MAN TO DELIVER THE PARCEL TO THIS ADDRESS IF HE LIKE TO DO SO. I DO NOT KNOW WHY I WILL GIVE YOU A NON-EXISTING ADDRESS WHERE YOU WILL DELIVER A PARKAGE TO ME . THIS IS ARRANT NONSENSE. IF THE COMMUNICATOR HAS BEEN SENT BACK TO YOU, RE-SEND IT THROUGH DHL COURIER COMPANY FOR EASY COLLECTION.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THE WAY YOU DISCLOSE THIS BUSINESS TO PEOPLE BECAUSE IF IT LEAKS TO THE HEARING OF THE SUPPERIORS, IT WILL NOT BE TO OUR ADVANTAGE. I AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU NOW AS A MATTER OF URGENCY.
AS FOR THAT OF MR KENNEDY, THERE IS NEED THAT YOU SEND TO ME THE TEXT OF WHAT HE SENT TO YOU FOR MY PERUSAL. IT IS FROM THERE THAT I WILL KNOW WHAT TO ADVISE. I AM STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS.
UCHE.
[Another attempt at sending Uche money.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr Uche,
Thanks for your last message. I am not in the clear about what your advice will be regarding Mr Kennedy, seeing that the business with the Bank of Africa has already come to a successful conclusion yesterday.
The matter now at hand is your consultation fee, which Mr Spock has calculated at 5 promille equalling USD 11375.
Please let me know if you want that via Western Union.
Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
[Uche still does not comprehend what is going on.]
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN.JAMES,
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL.CONCERNING THE BANK OF AFRICA,I THINK YOU HAVE TO ASK THEM THE MEANS WHEREBY YOU WILL SEND THEM THE FUND.SO CALL THE BANK AND ASK THEM WHAT TO DO.
FINALLY, I AM STILL WAITING FOR THE COMMUNICATOR BECAUSE I EARGELY WANTS TO SPEAK WITH YOU.IF YOUR MAN WITH THE EMBASSY CAN DELIVER THE PACKAGE,LET HIM DO IT,BUT IF HE CANNOT ,THEN SEND IT THROUGH DHL COURIER COMPANY.ONCE AGAIN REMEMBER THAT ANY EXPENSES YOU HAVE MADE SO FAR IN REGARDS TO THIS TRANSACTION SHOULD BE BALANCE BACK TO YOU.I AM WAITING FOR YOU.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS.
UCHE.
[An opportunity arises for one of our supperiors to send Uche this apology. Jay Leno's first week at the job.]
DAVID LETTERMAN
Starfleet Defence Attache Office Abuja Nigeria
From the desk of David Letterman Director of Operations for West Africa
Subject: undelivered package no. 01189524
Dear Mr Uche,
Please accept our apologies for not having delivered your package to the following address:
Mr.Arah Boniface Amobi
No.5 Seidu Street,Okokomaiko Lagos
Our courier Jay Leno, one of our junior staff in training that was Inexplicably unable to find your address in Lagos, has been severely reprimanded for this unfortunate incident. This was Jay's first week on the job at the Diplomatic Mail Operations Desk and being a foreigner to Nigeria, was undoubtedly unfamiliar with the terrain.
Please note that Jay's suggestion that you may have given a false address, is entirely his own misguided conclusion, and should in no way be construed as an adverse reflection on your good character, integrity and trustworthiness.
I will see to it personally that the package arrives at the above address no later than Friday this week.
Should you encounter any problems with any of our staff in Nigeria please do not hesitate to contact me personally.
Yours Sincerely,
David Letterman
Director of Operations for West Africa
[Njoku at the Bank of Africa finally checks his mailbox.]
MR KENNEDY NJOKU
ATTN: MR JAMES T. KIRK SIR, IT IS QUITE DISGUSTING TO REALIZE THAT YOU MUST HAVE BE N CONVERSATING OR CHATING WITH AN UNKOWN CLAIMED OFFICAL IN THE NAME OF THIS BANK. ACTUALLY, WE HAVE EFFECTED ANY REMITTANCE TO YOU NEITHER HAVE YOU COMPLIED WITH OUR DIRECTIVES. SO BE ASSURED THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH AN OUTSIDER IN OUR NAME WHICH IS PERPETUALLY AT YOUR OWN RISK.
WE REQUESTED THAT YOU COME HERE PERSONALLY TO ENDORSE SOME VITAL DOCUMENTS BUT YOUR PRESENCE HAS NOT BEEN SEEN, SO LETS US KNOW WHEN YOU WILL COME TO ENDORSE THE DOCUMENTS AND HAVE YOUR PAYMENT MADE TO YOUR DES GNATED ACCOUNT.
THANKS YOUR COOPERATION.
MR KENNEDY NJOKU
OPERATIONS MANAGER, BOA
[One of the Bank of Africa's finer clientele responds.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr Kennedy Njoku,
Yesterday I received a rather juvenile attempt at business correspondence from someone who obviously has hijacked your email address (at the bottom of this letter). I am sure you will appreciate the paramount importance of having a secure line when communicating with each other.
I am rather disappointed that you have not put into place at least one of the security items we discussed at your office last week Friday. Should I receive another one of these silly things, rest assured that I will be on the phone to your Chairman of the Board to inform him forthwith of the lack of courtesy and professionalism you are bestowing on one of the Bank of Africa's finer clientele.
Yours,
James T. Kirk
[quotes Njoku's e-mail above in which he expresses his disgust]
MR KENNEDY NJOKU
Attn: Mr James T. Kirk
Sir,
Actually we are taking proper care of our correspondence and we thank you for such information.
Kindly notify us when you will be here in Lagos office of the Bank of Africa to endorse your payment certified documents as I earlier hinted in my previous messages. We need to update our files in order to serve our clients better.
Yours faithfully,
Mr Kennedy Njoku
BOA
[A temporal rift explains what actually took place on Friday.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk
Dear Mr Kennedy Njoku,
Permit me to give an explanation of what is probably confusing you. On Thursday the USS Enterprise was still in the Beta Quadrant, but when we received your invitation, we went into hyper-warp in order to get to your bank on time on Friday morning. After beaming down to your bank and signing the documents we again headed out to the Beta Quadrant to continue our 5-year mission. The information you now provide leads me to believe that at some point the USS Enterprise entered through a temporal rift, i.e. a symmetrical tear in time that opens up an alternate history in the space-time continuum. Mr.Spock says that in your timeline some events never happened, which explains everything. In other words, in your timeline I still need to visit your bank to sign the documents and get the funds transferred, an event that was completed on Friday in my timeline. Do you follow? Just keep in mind that there are now two separate timelines.
So that clears matters up, and you can have your secretary enter this information into your files. Should you require any further information, I am sure you will let me know.
Yours,
James T. Kirk
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN.JAMES,
I RECEIVED EMAIL FROM ONE OF YOUR BY NAME DAVE LATTERMAN.HE PROMISE THAT THE PACKAGE WILL BE DELIVERED TO THE ABOVE ADDRESS LATEST THIS WEEK FRIDAY.
HOW FAR YOU HAVE GONE WITH BANK.HAVE THEY RELEASE THE FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.PLEASE IF THERE IS ANY DEVELOPMENT LET ME KNOW.I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO RECEIVE THE COMMUNICATOR.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS.
UCHE.
[Kirk sends Uche to the Lagos Sheraton Hotel. I am willing to bet something will go wrong and Kirk doesn't show up.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr Uche,
Thanks for your email. Let me fill you in on some of the developments. I have been approached (by emails) by at least 3 different officials claiming to be Kennedy Njoku of the Bank of Africa. I can tell they are from different people because some of the emails are in caps lock and some are not. I believe they are unscrupulous thieves attracted by the millions involved in our business venture. But I have warded them off, by telling them crazy stories that only stupid criminals would believe.
I am now in desperate need of your advice and expertise as we enter into the last stage of our business. I shall be arriving in Lagos early next morning in preparation of the visit to the Bank of Africa on Friday. This is top-secret and highly confidential information and you will tell no one about this, not even my superiors know that I am in Lagos. If you could please meet with me at 11.00 a.m. in the informal British-style pub at the Lagos Sheraton Hotel and Towers (full address below). We can then discuss how to handle our affairs at the Bank of Africa, and have dinner at the hotel in the evening.
May I suggest that you wear a suit and tie for this, we want to look like serious businessmen and not tourists. Please be there at 11.00 a.m., I am counting on you, as you are the only person I can trust.
Thursday 19th February at 11.00 a.m
in the informal British-style pub,
Lagos Sheraton Hotel and Towers
30 Mobolaji Bank Anthony Way, Ikeja
I am now beaming down from the ship, and look forward to finally meeting you in person tomorrow.
Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
P.S. You can identify me by my picture I have sent to you in an earlier email.
[How does Njoku know this?]
MR KENNEDY NJOKU
Attn: Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise,
Sir,
From all indications, you are to arrive Nigeria for the endorsement, when will that be so that we can schedule an appointment with you as we never worked without appointment.
We hope to hear from you soonest.
Yours faithfully,
Mr Kennedy Njoku
[Not very smart of Uche to have deleted that picture of Captain Kirk in the earlier email. This email was received early in the evening, I am sure Uche was at the hotel looking for Kirk. ]
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN.JAMES,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR MAIL.I DID NOT READ YOUR MAIL IN TIME THAT IS WHY I COULDN'T CHECK IN TO THE HOTEL.PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR HOTE ROOM NUMBER AND PHONE NUMBER WHICH I CAN USE TO REACH YOU SO THAT I CAN CHECK YOU IN ON FRIDAY.
THE TEST YOU SEND TO ME WHICH BANK SEND TO YOU.HAVE YOU DISCUSS WITH THE BANK, THAT YOU WANT TO COME FOR SIGNINNING THE FUND RELEASED ORDER.I HAVE FIND OUT THAT MR KENNEDY IS RELLY WORK IN THE BANK.YOU CAN CALL HIM.
MEANWHILE RESEND YOUR PICTURE TO ME FOR PROPER IDENTIFICATION OF YOU.REMEMBER THAT WE HAVE TO TREAT THIA BUSINESS WITH UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY. I AM WAITING FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE REPLY.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS,
UCHE.
[Using utmost confidentiality? Uche is sent this spam from the Starfleet Academy:
"Please visit the all new Starfleet Academy Website
http://academy.sfi.org/about/greeting.shtml" ]
[Shit hits the fan, where is Kirk? David Letterman sends Uche a picture of Kirk. Will Uche go to the hotel again to check up on the whereabouts of Kirk? The tribunal address used is that of the American Consulate in Lagos. Military tribunal, not to worry, Barrister Obi Wan Kenobi will defend you.]
DAVID LETTERMAN
Starfleet Defence Attache Office Abuja Nigeria
From the desk of David Letterman Director of Operations for West Africa
Subject: MILITARY TRIBUNAL
Dear Mr Uche,
You are hereby summoned to appear before a MILITARY TRIBUNAL that will launch a full scale investigation into the disappearance of James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise NCC-1701 (Startrek original series) on
Tuesday 24 February 2004 2:00 p.m
UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS BUILDING
Public Affairs Section
2, Broad Street, Lagos
Please be advised that the Nigerian Ministry of Foreign Affairs has appointed Barrister Obi Wan Kenobi to represent you legally and to ensure that your rights as a Nigerian citizen are not violated. However, you reserve the right to bring your own legal council if you so desire.
You are required to make a copy of this letter and present it at the front desk, after which you will be escorted to Room 322 where the tribunal will take place.
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me per email.
Yours Sincerely,
David Letterman
Director of Operations for West Africa
Photo of James T. Kirk
[Kirk goes to the bank for real this time, gets picked up from the hotel by limousine.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Mr. Kennedy Njoku,
It was indeed a pleasure to make your acquaintance this afternoon at the Bank of Africa, and the courtesy extended by yourself and your staff has left a most favourable impression on us. I am sure we would never have found your bank on our own, had you not had the courtesy to pick us up by limousine from the hotel.
You will be interested to hear that my account manager at my bank has just phoned me and has confirmed receipt into my account of USD 45.5 million. Thanks again, especially for addressing the security issues, for which you undoubtedly had very little time to implement.
Best Regards,
James T. Kirk
[Uche goes to the hotel again, this time with Kirk's picture.]
MR.SUNNY UCHE
ATTN.JAMES,
I WONDER THAT YOU ARE NOT TRUTH TO ME.I CHECK YOU IN THE HOTEL, BUT COULD NOT FIND YOU, EVEN I ASK HOTEL MANAGEMENT THEY SAID NOBODY LIKE THAT.
I TOLD YOU THAT THIS BUSINESS IS CONFIDENTIAL.BUT NOW YOU DISCUSS IT WITH ANYBODY,WHICH IS NOT SUPPOSE.IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT ASK BANK HOW WE COULD RECEIVE THIS FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT YOU PLEASE TELL ME.NOW I AM NOT SURE THAT WHEN THE FUND GET INTO YOUR THAT YOU WILL LET ME KNOW.
AM WAITING TO RELY KNOW IF YOU ARE FOR THIS BUSINESS OR FOR ANY OTHER THING, BUT KNOW THAT I CONTACT YOU FOR THIS BUSINESS ONLY AND NOTHING ELSE.
THANKS AND BEST REGARDS,
UCHE.
[Time to close this down. Mugu means idiot, and 419 refers to the "419 Fraud" (Four-One-Nine) after the relevant section of the Criminal Code of Nigeria.]
CAPTAIN KIRK
From the desk of Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise
Dear Sunny Uche and Kennedy Njoku,
The USS Enterprise has now plotted a course for Planet Mugu, this is in star system 419 at the edge of the Beta Quadrant. We are speeding along at warp 7.
Mr Spock, Scotty, Bones and all the other members of our crew salute you, and thank you for a most hilarious and entertaining correspondence.
http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/series/TOS/
Thanks again,
Captain James T. Kirk
Dear Scamorama,
I am still receiving emails from Sunny Uche, do you think I hit a soft spot?
Any of the readers want a piece of this guy?
Anyway, included with his last message is the header and as attachment his picture.
Regards,
Capt Kirk
MR.SUNNY UCHE
sunnyuche@eudoramail.com
Date: Tue Mar 2, 2004 2:29:57 PM US/Pacific
To: "James T. Kirk"
Subject: POWER OF ATTORNEY
ATTN.JAMES,
I HAVE TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU CANNOT DO THIS BUSINESS WITH ME YOU CAN PLEASE SEND TO ME POWER OF ATTORNEY TO LOOK FOR WHO WILL BE CAPABLE TO HANDLE THE BUSINESS WITH ME. I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THAT YOU WILL DO THE BUSINESS WITH ME OR THAT YOU CANNOT DO THE BUSINESS WITH ME.AT LEAST I SEND TO YOU MY PICTURE FOR YOU TO HAVE A GOOD TRUST OF ME.PLEASE PUT ALL THIS INTO CONSIDERATION AND GIVE ME THE FEEDBACK AS TIME IS NOT ON MY SIDE IN THIS BUSINESS.
I HAVE KNOW IDEAL OF BANK.YOU ARE TO ASK BANK OF AFRICA FOR ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT UNDERSTAND WITH THEM.CONTACT BANK AND ASK THEM HOW WE CAN DO OUR MONEY.I AM CONFUSSED FOR THE DISAPPOINTMENT YOU GAVE TO ME.
WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
UCHE.
[Can this really be him? Is him he? What is reality?
Anyway, Capt. Kirk seems to be encouraging fellow enthusiasts to jump in.]