THE MAN FROM I AIN'T YER UNCLE

A hearty scam-o-welcome to Comrade "Ilya Kuryakin":

Hello to all at Scamorama! I've been following the site for some time, and last year was fortunate enough to hook a good one and play him for over a month. With the permission of Lady Agatha of the Foreign Office, I allowed the good guy, Mr. Illya Kuryakin, to assume a rather rude demeanor when dealing with the scammer, Mr. Uzodinma Clement. Here's the full cast of players:

Good guy (my alter ego): ILYA KURYAKIN, CEO of Youngline Publishing, Ltd.
Scammer #1: UZODINMA CLEMENT, accountant with the bank
Scammer #2: GODFREY OSITA, bank manager
Scammer #3: BALA SHEHU, attorney
Scammer #4: DANIEL OBIEZE, junior attorney

Here's how it all played out:

[Caution: Kuryakin manages, without much actual profanity, to be extremely rude, no doubt the result of a life in the rough and tumble world if commerce. Perhaps his abrasive exterior conceals a chewy center. Eventually he provokes Uzodinma into something more playground-level. Please be warned. Also, like certain Agents at the Foreign Office, Kuryakin appears to regard e-mail as equivalent to the telex (older readers will remember what that is), and does not bother with minor details such as paragraph markings. Remembering to breathe while reading is the reader's responsibility.]


The opening shot:

UZODINMA CLEMENT

Date: Thu, 3 Mar 2005
From: uzodinma_clement@zipmail.com.br
Subject: Dearest friend

Dearest friend,
I am an accountant with Standard Trust Bank Plc,my names is Mr Uzodinma Clement a banker. I am the personal account manager to Alexander a nationale of your country. He is an oil merchant/contractor ,here in Nigeria. On the 27th of January 2002, my client, his wife and their three children were involved in Ikeja bomb blast here in my country. My client and his family unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives,this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided and did some research in the internet to locate any member of his family. Hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist me in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where these huge deposits were lodged. Particularly,Standard Trust Bank Plc, Lagos Branch where my client deposited US$8.7million dollars. The Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the Account confiscated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 Years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased, so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$8.7million dollars can be transferred to your account, then you and me can share the money. I have all necessary legal documents that back up the claim we may make. All I require is your honest co- operation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please indicate your readiness to assist me, so that all the informations about this funds will be passed to you immediately. You should send to me your full names and your private telephone numbers for easy communications. And also assure me of your trust and remember that the trust in business is confidentiality.
So let it be only between me and you.If you give me your full coperation and this transaction is properly executed,I am prepared to give you 40% of the total sum for your kind assistance.50% will be for me and 10%percent will be for any expenses we may incure along in this transaction. Please get in touch with me by my private email below to enable us discuss.
Thank you very much for your understanding.
Best regards,
MR UZODINMA CLEMENT
PLEASE VIEW THESE WEBSITES BELOW TO CONFIRM WHAT I AM TELLING YOU AND GET BACK TO ME.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/2718295.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/2698081.stm
http://www.worldsocialist-cwi.org/index2.html?/eng/2002/02/02.html


[Your basic Dead Bank Customer letter.]


ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 3

CLEMENT,

WHAT THE DEVIL IS THIS? AND HOW DID YOU GET MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS? AS CEO OF A TOP PUBLISHING FIRM, I REQUIRE A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PRIVACY, AND AM UNACCUSTOMED TO BEING "HANDED THE HAT" IN MY OWN BACKYARD. AS A PROFESSIONAL YOURSELF, YOU MUST ALSO UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR MAINTAINING CERTAIN CHANNELS FOR BUSINESS ONLY! HOWEVER, AS I AM NOT WITHOUT HEART AND HAVE BEEN OFTEN CITED FOR MY EXTREME SENSE OF SYMPATHY, I HAVE DECIDED TO CONSIDER YOUR OFFER. SEND ME ALL PARTICULARS POST HASTE, MAN, AND I SHALL MAKE SOME TIME IN MY SCHEDULE. SPEED IS OF THE ESSENCE AS I AM CLOSE TO SIGNING A DEAL THAT WOULD REQUIRE LARGE SUMS OF CAPITAL. MY THANKS FOR THE VERIFYING NEWS STORIES; THE FIRST TWO WERE ALRIGHT, HOWEVER I HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT THE THIRD AS IT IS CLEARLY LEANING TO THE LEFT, AND I AM A GOD FEARING CAPITALIST MAKE NO MISTAKE SIR! YOU MAY CONTACT ME AT MY SUITE AT THE RITZ CARLTON, NEW YORK, NUMBERS AND FAX BELOW. CHOP, CHOP, MAN! CHOP, CHOP!

I. Kuryakin, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.
A Division of UNCLECORP
New York, NY 10004
tel: (211)344-0800
fax(211)344-3801


[Scam-o-note: "Ilya Kuryakin" is an homage to the secret agent character from an old American television show, The Man from U.N.C.L.E. The part was played by David McCallum, who nowadays can be seen on another American TV show called N.C.I.S.]


UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 7

Dearest Kuryakin,

How are you today?Did you receive my mail and the Text of application attarched which you have to fill as the Next of Kin to Engr. Alexander Kuryakin and email to the Bank email address threin :

infostandardtrustbank1971@yahoo.com
Comply ASAP and keep me updated.
Awaiting your urgent response.
Thanks and best regards.
Yours Faithfully,
Mr U.Clement.



UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 8, CLEMENT GETS NERVOUS:

Date: Tue, 8 Mar 2005
From: uzodinma_clement@zipmail.com.br
Subject: REPLY ASAP

Hello Kuryakin,
How do you do? I have tried several times to reach you with the phone number you gave to me, it keep saying not available and for this reason i want to know what is delaying this very transaction because this transaction needed to follow it up very fast.
Are you in town or you travel? Please update me. You need not be scared about this very transaction and i am assuring you that i will be here to back you up as an insider of the bank.
Engr.Alexander must bear the same last name as yours so that it will be very easy without much stress for this fund to be credited into your nominated bank account. If you have received the Text of Application i am still advicing you to fill the Form and email it to the bank through this bank email address :

infostandardtrustbank1971@yahoo.com
Comply and reply ASAP
Best regards.
yuors faithfully,
Mr. Clment



[LETTING CLEMENT SWEAT A LIIIIIIIITTLE MORE]

UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 9:

Hello Kuryakin, Are you ok? Reply my mails asap.
regards,
Clement.



[KURYAKIN FINALLY RESPOND]

ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 9:

CLEMENT

CALM DOWN, MAN! CAN'T A MAN TAKE AN UNPLANNED SIDE TRIP WHILE PURSUING A BUSINESS VENTURE? AS IT HAPPENS, THE CLIENTS WITH WHOM I JUST CLOSED YOUNGLINE'S LATEST ADVERTISING DEAL OWN A SMALL VILLA IN THE BAHAMAS AND INSISTED I ATTEND FOR THE WEEKEND WITH SOME OF THE MODELS FROM OUR MAGAZINE. TO REFUSE WOULD HAVE BEEN AN AFFRONT TO THE CLIENTS AND TO THE SPIRIT OF CAPITALIST GAIN ITSELF_
BEING A MAN OF BUSINESS YOURSELF, SURELY YOU UNDERSTAND. NOW WHAT IS THIS YOU SAY ABOUT A TEXT OF APPLICATION? I HAVE NOT SEEN HIDE NOR HAIR OF ANY KIND OF DOCUMENT ATTACHED TO ANY OF YOUR HIGH PANIC EMAILS. AND IF YOU WERE SO CONCERNED WHY HAVE YOU NOT PHONED? MY SECRETARY, MS. IVANA MOOREHEAD WAS IN OUR OFFICES AT THE RITZ ALL WEEK. BY THUNDER, MAN, I'M SURE THE USE OF A PHONE IS NOT OUTSIDE YOUR TRAINING AS A BUSINESS PROFESSIONAL. I SHALL BE IN MY OFFICE ALL WEEK IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS BUSINESS THEN PLACE A CALL AND ASK FOR MOOREHEAD AND THIS DEAL CAN PROCEED. FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN LET'S SEE SOME SPEED AND EFFICIENCY.

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 10:

Hello Kuryakin
I know that hopefully you are ok and how is your trip to Bahamas?
Prety cooI i surpose.wish you safe trip back to N.Y. The phone number you sent to me is not responding.send your private phone number through email or call my hotline.Mind you that this transaction demands utmost secrecy because it involves a very hugh amount of dollars.Take note. I await your urgent response.
best regards,
U.Clement.



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 10:

CLEMENTI,

OF COURSE I'M "OK"_THE BAHAMAS ISN'T OVERRUN WITH SAVAGES AND THUGS_THE GIRLS GOT SUNBURNED WHILE AT THE TOPLESS BEACH BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO SOME TRIBAL BIG MAN FOR A SALVE_ IT'S A CIVILIZED COUNTRY_BUT ENOUGH PLEASANTRIES_I ASK AGAIN WHERE THE DEVIL IS THE DOCUMENTATION YOU ALLEGED TO HAVE SENT IN YOUR PREVIOUS USELESS EMAILS? FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND STOP MESSING ABOUT_I HAVE SENT YOU MY PRIVATE NUMBER AND IT SHOULD BE WORKING FINE_MS MOOREHEAD IS AT THE READY TO RECEIVE YOU SO STOP ALL THESE SLOPE HEADED SHENNANIGANS AND GET ON THAT PHONE_AND OF COURSE I KNOW THIS IS CONFIDENTIAL_BY THUNDER, MAN, I HAVEN'T SPENT 35 YEARS AS CEO OF A PUBLISHING FIRM AND NOT HAVE LEARNED HOW TO CONDUCT A BUSINESS TRANSACTION OF THIS KIND_NOW SHOW ME THAT YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL AND LETS PROCEED WITH SOME HASTE AND EFFICIENCY_HOP TO IT MAN.

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



[CLEMENT REPLIES QUICKLY]

UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 10:

Hello Kuryakin

Thank you for your insulting mail,but i want you to understand that i may come from Africa which is not civilized compare to that of the united States but we have got some decencey. I want you to know that this business transaction is legitimate and requires all seriousness as i have tried your telephone line several times without success.Do re-state your telephone number to me or alternatively you can get me on my private mobile telephone line on +234-8034-94-8808,call me for further discussion.
Upon your call or mail i shall forward to you a copy of my international passport and company identity card for identification purpose,i shall also forward to you TEXT OF APPLICATION in which you are to fill and apply to the STANDARD TRUST BANK PLC for the release of your INHERITANCE FUND for onward transfer in to your inland nominated Bank "account" in which you are to present to the Bank.

I want you to understand that this fund will go along way to elivate our financial status, you will also advise me on what business to invest on,as i will be coming over to the united states with my son micheal for the sharing of the Fund.

It is important we discuss on phone make it as a prority to call me tonight as i wait to hear from you.
Best Regards
U .Clement.



[KURYAKIN'S QUICK REPLY]

ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 10:

CEMENT,

GODFREY DANIELS MAN! WHAT'S ALL THIS WHINY NONSENSE ABOUT DECENCY? DO YOU THINK THE CAPTAINS OF INDUSTRY ACHIEVED THEIR STATUS THROUGH DECENCY? FAST AND RUTHLESS MANIPULATION OF CAPITAL, THAT'S HOW_IF THEY STOPPED TO HOLD THE HAND OF EVERY WEEPING WILLY WHO'D BEEN CALLED NAMES THEY'D ALL STILL BE SELLING PENCILS ON STREETCORNERS.
AS FOR THE INSULTS, IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO GET YOU OUT OF THE CORNER BAR AND INTO SOME ACTION THEN YOU'RE WELCOME_NOW FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN I'M STILL AWAITING THIS TEXT OF APPLICATION THAT YOU MENTIONED 3 EMAILS AGO!! INSTEAD OF GETTING ALL TEARY-EYED ABOUT HOW YOU GOT YOUR WRIST SLAPPED FOR DRAGGING YOUR FEET ON THIS MONEY MAKING TRANSACTION, YOU SHOULD BE GETTING ME THE FORMS I NEED TO FILL OUT TO SEND BACK TO YOU AND GET THIS DEAL MOVING_I HAVE GIVEN YOU MY PRIVATE NUMBER AT THE RITZ AND CAN ASSURE YOU MS. MOOREHEAD IS ON THE JOB AND ATTENDING TO ALL MY NEEDS AND AWAITING YOUR ENTRY_IF YOU CANNOT REACH US I WILL GIVE HER THE NUMBER YOU HAVE SENT AND HAVE HER ATTEMPT TO CALL YOU_I MUST BRING UP
HOWEVER YOUR CLAIM THAT I WILL ADVISE YOU ON WHAT BUSINESS TO INVEST ON_GREAT GUNS MAN!! AS A BANKER AND A PROFESSIONAL HAVE YOU NO IDEAS ON THIS YOURSELF? OR WAS YOUR TRAINING IN BANKING ACCOMPLISHED THROUGH SOME FLY BY NIGHT CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL? MOST LIKELY I'D WAGER BUT I'LL HOPE THAT'S NOT THE CASE_AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT BRINGING YOUR SON OVER? FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN I DON'T RUN A DAY CARE CENTER_I'M A MAN OF BUSINESS AND HAVE NO TIME FOR CHILDREN GETTING UNDERFOOT AND GUMMING UP THE WHEELS OF INDUSTRY WITH REQUESTS FOR SWEETS AND DIAPER CHANGES_HAVE SOME SENSE MAN AND HIRE A WET NURSE SO YOU CAN GET ME THE MATERIALS I NEED TO PUSH THIS DEAL THROUGH_NOW FORWARD ME THAT TEXT OF APPLICATION AT ONCE MAN DO YOU HEAR AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 11

HELLO MR KURYAKIN,

ATTACHED IS THE TEXT OF APPLICATION IN WHICH YOU ARE TO PRINT OUT AND FILL,THEN SCANN IT AND SEND TO THE BANK VIA THEIR OFFICIAL EMAIL ADDRESSE, AS SOON AS YOU GET A RESPONSE FROM THE BANK DO NOT FAIL TO UPDATE ME FURTHER ON THE PROCEEDINGS,SO AS TO ADVISE YOU FURTHER ON THE NEXT STEP TO TAKE. HERE IS THE BANK OFFICIAL EMAIL ADDRESE AND TELEPHONE NUMBER:

standardtrustbankremittance@yahoo.com,Tel: +234-1-4741737, +234-1-471034

As soon as you send the TEXT OF APPLICATION to the Bank,Do call the remittance department Manager to inform him of your Application.

As soon as you hear from him do get in touch with me so as to instruct you further on the next line of action.

As i wait to hear from you,as the ball is now in your court.

Best rgards

U.Clement





[KURYAKIN'S FRUSTRATION INCREASES]

ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 11:

CEMENT,

GREAT CEASER'S GHOST ARE WE PLAYING A GAME NOW MAN? I HAVE JUST SPENT AN AFTERNOON TRYING TO FAX THE DAMN TEXT OF APPLICATION TO THE BANK TO NO AVAIL_ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A BURST A BLOOD VESSEL? FOR GODS SAKE TELL YOUR BLUNDERING NITWIT BANKERS TO PLUG IN THE DAMN FAX MACHINE OR READ THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL INSTEAD OF SITTING ON THEIR FAT POTATO SACK ASSES AND PICKING THEIR NOSES_I AM GETTING FED UP WITH ALL THIS MUDHUT MEDIOCRITY AND AM WONDERING IF YOU ARE SERIOUS OR PLAYING A JOKE_MS. MOOREHEAD HAS BEEN ATTEMPTING TO CALL YOU TO THE POINT OF HYSTERICAL DISTRACTION AND STILL YOUR NUMBER DOES NOT WORK_SHOW SOME COMPETENCE AT ONCE MAN DO YOU HEAR AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 12

Hello Mr Kuryakin
Thanks for the update and sorry for the inconveinence,Do take note of this fax number +234-1-5554663 or +234-1-2814663.Make sure you fax it today so that by monday you should be getting a response from the International Remittance department of the Bank.
This particular fax is that of the Manager of the International Remittance department .I got this from an insider,also call him on this telephone number to inform him of your Application +234-1-474-1737.
Please do call me on my cell phone +234-1-8034-94-8808 if you have further questions. As i have tried several times to get you on telephone without getting through.
As i wait to hear further update from you
Best Regards
U.Clement



[LETTING CLEMENT SWEAT AGAIN]

UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 15

Hello Mr Kuryakin

What is the Position of things?Have you filled and fax the Claimant Form to the Bank?
Have you gotten a response from them?Do keep me informed on the development.
As i have tried several times to get you on telephone without Success.
As i will want us to strike this deal and get the fund transfered out of the Bank on time.As i wait to here from you .
Clement



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 16

CLEMENT,

WHAT DOES IT TAKE? FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT DOES IT TAKE, MAN?!?! THE FAX WAS TRANSMITTED SATURDAY NIGHT YOU BUBBLEHEADED BANKING BUFFOON_THE BANK SHOULD HAVE IT BY NOW UNLESS SOME GORMLESS CLOT WHO PASSES FOR A BANKING CLERK BUT SHOULD GO BACK TO THE GOAT MARKET IN WHATEVER GODFORSAKEN SHANTY TOWN HE'S FROM HAS USED THE FAX DOCUMENT TO WIPE HIS PAUNCHY ASS_CONTACT THIS SO CALLED BANK AND ASK THEM WHY THEY HAVEN'T NOTIFIED YOU THAT THEY RECEIVED THE FAX AND TELL THOSE CRETINOUS COCKLEHEADS TO STOP GROPING THEIR SECRETARY'S FAT THIGHS AND PUT SOME WORK INTO THIS TRANSACTION_
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS DEAL HAS NOT YET GONE THROUGH_ THE JANITOR WHO EMPTIES MY TRASH CANS IS MORE EFFICIENT THAN THIS_ AT LEAST HE KNOWS HOW TO USE A PHONE_I HAVE HAD TO SEND MRS MOOREHEAD ON MEDICAL LEAVE SHE IS SO DISTRESSED AT TRYING TO REACH WHAT YOU SAY IS A PHONE NUMBER AND WHENEVER SHE CALLS THE BANK NUMBER YOU SENT SHE IS PUT ON HOLD AND THEN THE PHONE IS HUNG UP ON THE OTHER END_
WHAT KIND OF TAWDRY TRIBAL TOMFOOLERY IS THIS BANK OF YOURS PLAYING AT? THIS DEAL WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SMOOTH YOU NITHERING NINCOMPOOP BUT YOU HAVE MANAGED TO TURN IT INTO A MONKEYS TEA PARTY AND IT IS COSTING ME MONEY IN THE FORM OF AN ABSENT EMPLOYEE_YOU SHOULD GET A RIGHT KICK IN YOUR SHINY SUITED BOTTOM BUT I'LL GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR BANK, GET THEM TO GIVE YOU THE FAX I SENT AND HAVE THEM PHONE ME AT THE RITZ_I HAVE A GOLFING TOURNAMENT IN SMEGDON BEACH FLORIDA TO ATTEND THIS COMING WEEKEND AND DO NOT WANT THE STRESS OF THIS DEAL TO CORNHOLE MY GAME_RESULTS
CLEMENT I WANT RESULTS_ NOW HOP TO IT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



[A COWED CLEMENT WRITES]

UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 17:

Dear Kuryakin,
resend the form to the bank with this fax number now :

011-234-1-2814663. clement.



[AND SUDDENLY, AN NEW SCAMMER APPEARS: GODFREY OSITA OF THE STANDARD TRUST BANK PLC]

GODFREY OSITA

Date: Thu, 17 Mar 2005
From: "standardtrustBank plc" <standardtrustbankremittance@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re-Fund Transfer(REF.CODE: STB/0070300204/PJ/001 ) Largest, Real-Time Online Banking Network In Nigeria. Our Core Values Are >>> Humility, Integrity, Empathy, Resilience

THE MANAGER,
STANDARD TRUST BANK PLC
1/22 WARE HOUSE ROAD, APAPA
LAGOS - NIGERIA
Tel: +234-1-474-1737,473-66-8808

ATTN: Ilya Kuryakin
Your application have reached the International remittance Department of Standard Trust Bank Nigeria. Your mail is clearly understood and confirmed, On behalf of the bank, please accept our deepest sympathy on the death of your relative and our customer,May his soul rest in peace.
You are to send to this commercial bank copy of your identification ( Driver license/ International Passport copy ) before we can proceed
Note; You are required to send your identification via email ( Coloured) and also you are to send to this bank your application before we commence on your fund release Proper.
We are including a reference code number(REF.CODE: STB/0070300204/PJ/001 ) as a subject to every email reaching you from this office, you are advise to include the reference code as a subject in all your mails to this office for security reasons .You are advise to resatae your benefactor's name and occupation and the amount left behind by your benefactor ,we shall proceed upon reciept of answers to the following questions.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you.

Your's faithfully,
Mr.Godfrey Osita.
(International Remittance Officer)



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 17:

CEMENT,

FINALLY SOME DIRECT ACTION _I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK THIS WAS ALL SOME BOOZE FUELED FARCE_IF ALL THIS LUNKHEADED LACK OF SKILL WAS PUT ON DISPLAY WHEN I WAS IN THE ARMY, YOU'D HAVE BEEN THE FIRST UP AGAINST THE WALL_I WILL TRANSMIT THE FORM TO THE BANK YET AGAIN_ THIS ONE HAD BETTER YIELD RESULTS WORTH SALUTING THE FLAG OVER OR IT WILL NOT GO WELL FOR YOU

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 17:

OSITA,

GOOD GOD MAN I HOPE YOU'RE MORE RELIABLE THAN THAT SHIFTLESS SOD OF A BANK ACCOUNTANT, CEMENT_HE SHOULD BE GIVEN THE BOOT DOWN THE STAIRS FOR HIS IDIOTIC INCONSISTENCIES AND USELESS COMMUNIQUES_ FINALLY I HOPE I'M DEALING WITH A MAN OF BUSINESS ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T BET MY WIFE'S BACK TEETH ON IT_YOU WILL BE SENT PROPER IDENTIFICATION VIA THE FAX NUMBER YOU HAVE PROVIDED_I DO NOT SEND SECURE INFORMATION SUCH AS THIS THROUGH THE EMAIL, "COLOURED" OR NO, WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS, WHERE ANY BLACKHEAD PICKING COMPUTER HACKER CAN OBTAIN THEM FOR HIS OWN PERVERSE ENDS_
HAVE SOME SENSE MAN_SHOW ME YOU'RE MORE THAN SOME BARELY EDUCATED SHANTY TOWN GOAT MERCHANT AND WE CAN PROCEED LIKE PROPER BUSINESSMEN_YOU SAY YOU NEED AN APPLICATION BUT YOU ALREADY HAVE IT MAN_OPEN YOUR EYES AND PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN FOR AT LEAST A MOMENT FOR GODS SAKE_NOW, THE NAME OF THE BENEFACTOR WAS ALEXANDER KURYAKIN ACCORDING TO CEMENT, AND HE WAS AN ENGINEER_ OIL BUSINESS, AND THE AMOUNT LEFT WAS 8.7 MILLION USD_
LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE GOTTENT THE FAX AND MY ID IS IN HAND_I HOPE YOU CAN SHOW SOME EFFICIENCY BEFORE THIS WHOLE AFFAIR GOES PEAR SHAPED_ I HAVE AN IMPORTANT DEAL TO CLOSE IN THE NEXT WEEK AND CANNOT AFFORD ANY MUPPET HEADED MUDDLING ON YOUR PART_NOW HOP TO IT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



GODFREY OSITA

MARCH 18

ATTN: Mr Kuryakin

Be informed that all modalities in regards to these fund transfer has commenced proper.
As there was a meeting of the Bank Board of Directors and your case was the top among the list and they came to conclude that upon verification of these requested documents,your fund shall be released to your inland nominated Bank account via international telegraphic Transfer within 48hrs of verifications of these document.
Endeavour to send the required informations/documents as soon as practicable to enable us commence action on the release of the funds. The following are the required informations/documents needed for our perusal and sighting:

1. The Death Certificate
2. Police Report
3. Letter of Administration
4. Sworn Affidavite
All the documents listed above are to prove that you are the legible next of kin to late ENGR ALEXANDER KURYAKIN
You are required to submit the above documents to STB PLC before the fund can be processed and transfered into your nominated bank account.

Yours faithfully,
Mr Godfrey Osita



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 18:

CEMENT,

YOU IDIOT_YOU UNMITIGATED, TOE-SUCKING, MUPPET-HEADED, GOON!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BANK IS ASKING FROM ME??? HAS THAT MINISCULE PUSTULE THAT PASSES FOR A BRAIN IN THAT THICK-BONED, SLOPE BROWED SKULL OF YOURS ANY CONCEPTION OF WHAT THE BANK WANTS FROM ME????? THEY'RE ASKING ME FOR DOCUMENTATION YOU WANKER_THEY WANT A DEATH CERTIFICATE, A POLICE REPORT, A LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION, AND A SWORN AFFIDAVIT!!!
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HAD ALL THAT PAPERWORK NONSENSE TAKEN CARE OF YOU GREAT TIT_FOR GODS SAKE MAN TAKE YOUR DICK OUT OF YOUR NEIGHBOR'S COW OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND GET TO WORK ON THIS_HAVE YOU NO IDEA WHAT IS AT STAKE HERE?!?? I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH BLITHERING KNUCKLEHEADED BUMBLING IN SOMEONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE A BANKING PROFESSIONAL_YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY INSIDER AND SMOOTH THIS DEAL ALONG BUT YOU HAVE PROVED TO BE AS MUCH USE AS A SWISS CHEESE ALARM CLOCK_
FOR GODS SAKE MAN INSTEAD OF SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME LAZING AROUND SOME DIRTY CORNER BAR LOOKING TO STICK YOUR FINGERS UP SOME TWO DOLLAR HOOKER'S TUTSI YOU SHOULD BE SETTING THE WHEELS OF THIS DEAL IN MOTION_I AM GIVING YOU ONE MORE CHANCE YOU NATTERING NITWIT_DO YOU HEAR?
ONE MORE CHANCE TO GET THIS DEAL IN MOTION_CAN YOU POSSIBLY DO A FRACTION OF YOUR JOB? CAN YOU GET ALL THIS DOCUMENTATION TO THE BANK AS YOU SAID YOU WOULD? I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOUR COCK-UPS_NOW GET THAT DOCUMENTATION TO THE BANK OFFICIALS AT ONCE YOU HEAR ME AT ONCE YOU NINCOMPOOP

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 18:

OSITA,

I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL AND UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR PROPER DOCUMENTATION_ BE AWARE THAT SAID DOCUMENTATION WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN MADE AVAILABLE TO YOU BY THAT LUNK-HEADED PISS POOR EXCUSE OF A BANKING ACCOUNTANT CEMENT_FOR GODS SAKE MAN HOW COULD KEEP SUCH A GORMLESS WASTE OF SPACE ON THE BANK'S PAYROLL? YOU NEED TO HIRE BANKING PROFESSIONALS NOT SOME SMELLY SECOND COUSIN TO A THIRD RATE TRIBAL BIG MAN_REGARDLESS I HAVE CONTACTED HIM AND INSTRUCTED HIM TO PROVIDE YOU WITH THE DOCUMENTS YOU NEED POST HASTE_AS I AM SURE YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL AND ACCUSTOMED TO UNDERLINGS MAKING A RETARD'S ROUNDEL OF THINGS I KNOW YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THE SLIGHT DELAY IN GETTING THIS IMPORTANT PROCESS UNDERWAY_AT LEAST YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE TEXT OF APPLICATION I FAXED TO YOU AND THAT IS ONE SMALL STEP FORWARD_PLEASE NOTIFY ME WHEN CEMENT HAS DONE HIS JOB ALTHOUGH I WON'T BE HOLDING MY BREATH TIL THEN_ I SHALL BE IN SMEGDON BEACH FLORIDA THIS WEEKEND AT A GOLFING TOURNAMENT BUT WILL CHECK MY EMAILS FOR WORD FROM YOU_SHOW ME THAT YOU CAN GET THIS JOB DONE I. KURYAKIN, CEO



GODFREY OSITA

MARCH 21:

THE MANAGER,
STANDARD TRUST BANK PLC
1/22 WARE HOUSE ROAD, APAPA
LAGOS - NIGERIA
Tel:+234-1-470-4892,473-66-8808

Attn: Ilya Kuryakin

Content of your mail was well noted,but be informed that it is not the duty of Clement or any other Person to get the required Documents presented to the Bank but you. As a Professional my Candid advise for you,is to hire a Nigerian Attorney who will represent your interest and help you in getting those documents ascertained by the Bank.He will also act on yourbehalf as your residential Attorney here in Nigeria. Find below is the contact of one of the Bank Qualified Lawyers:

BALA SHEHU&ASSOCIATES
Email:

bala_shehu2002@yahoo.com Tel: +234-472-53-67,

It is important you contact him at once,as soon as these documents is been submitted to my desk,We shall proceed within 48hrs of verification and have your Inheritance fund
Transfered to your designated Account.

Your's faithfully
Godfrey Osita(STB)



CLEMENT SWEATS AGAIN:

UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 22:

Dear Kuryakin
Are you sure you are ok?
Clement



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 23:

CEMENT,

AM I OKAY? AM I OKAY?!?!?!?!??!!!!!!???? I GET BACK FROM A 4 DAY WEEKEND IN LOVELY SMEGDON BEACH FLORIDA, WHERE I HAD ONE OF THE BEST GOLF GAMES I'VE EVER PLAYED, EXPECTING TO FIND THAT YOU'VE DONE AS I ASKED AND THIS IS WHAT I GET INSTEAD??!????? YOU DUNDERHEADED DUMBKOPF_YOU ILLITERATE, INCOMPETENT, IMPOTENT, IDIOT EXCUSE FOR A BANKER_WHAT, DID YOU ONLY JUST WAKE UP FROM A BOOZE INDUCED STUPOR? DID YOU NOT READ MY LAST EMAIL YOU BOBBLEHEADED WANKER OF A BANKER? I WROTE YOU LAST ABOUT WHAT THE BANK IS ASKING FROM ME FOR DOCUMENTATION:

DEATH CERTIFICATES, POLICE REPORTS, ETC._ PAPERWORK THAT YOU ASSURED ME YOU WOULD PROVIDE TO GET THIS DEAL GOING YOU USELESS TURD OF A TRIBAL TOERAG_AND WHAT DO I GET FROM YOU? A BRAINLESS QUESTION ON WHETHER OR NOT I'M "OKAY"_OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY YOU DUNDERING DOLT! I'M TRYING TO GET THIS BUSINESS THROUGH, AND ALL I'VE GOT TO HELP ME ON THE NIGERIAN END IS WHAT APPEARS TO BE A MENTALLY RETARDED BARELY COHERENT REFUGEE FROM A SHANTY TOWN VEGETABLE MARKET WHO OBVIOUSLY SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME HAPPILY SITTING IN SOME TIN SHACK CORNER BAR SUCKING DOWN ROTGUT, PICKING THE FLEAS OFF HIS FAT ASS AND WONDERING WHERE HE CAN FIND A NEW COW TO STICK HIS DICK INTO_THAT'S RIGHT, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU BLUNDERING BUTTHEAD_YOU ASSURED ME YOU WOULD HAVE ALL THE DOCUMENTATION AT HAND TO PRESENT TO THE BANK WHEN THEY ASKED FOR IT, YOU NITWIT, SO WHERE IS IT? THE BANK HAS WRITTEN TO ME SAYING IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY AND THAT I HAVE TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY TO GET THIS DONE_AN ATTORNEY????

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS WOULD BE NECESSARY? DID IT SOMEHOW SLIP YOUR MIND WHILE YOU WERE LOUNGING AROUND SOME FILTHY TWO BIT HOTEL WHILE AN UNDERAGE HOOKER WAS SHOVING CARROTS UP YOUR ASS? FOR GODS SAKE MAN, I EXPECTED TO DEAL WITH A PROFESSIONAL, AND WHAT DO I GET? A THREE YEAR OLD'S EXCUSE FOR A CRAPPY BANKER WHO PROBABLY CAN BARELY MANAGE TO PICK HIS NOSE LET ALONE PROCEED WITH A BANKING TRANSACTION

_WELL THAT'S IT, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU_YOU HAVE ONE CHANCE DO YOU HEAR, ONE CHANCE TO PROCURE AN ATTORNEY FOR ME TO GET ALL THIS DONE_IF YOU FAIL TO DO SO, I'LL BRING IN MY OWN ATTORNEY, DEWEY FLEESEM FROM THE FIRM OF WOLFRAM & HART TO DEAL WITH THIS BUSINESS, AND IF I DO BRING HIM IN THE PERCENTAGE OF MONEY THAT GOES TO ME IS GOING TO CHANGE_THAT'S RIGHT, I'LL BE TAKING 70 PERCENT OF THE MONEY AS THIS DEAL IS GOING TO COST ME MORE_SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE MONEY YOU'D BETTER GET ME AN ATTORNEY OVER THERE YOU DOLT_I'M A HAIR'S BREADTH FROM SHITCANNING THIS WHOLE DEAL AS IT HAS CAUSED ME MORE ANNOYANCE THAN A BLEEDING ULCER_NOW PULL YOUR DAMN FINGER OUT AND TRY TO SPEND AT LEAST A DAY WITHOUT BOOZING IT UP AND MAYBE THIS DEAL CAN PROCEED AS PLANNED_IF I DON'T GET SATISFACTORY RESULTS FROM YOU THEN I'M DONE DO YOU HEAR NOW HOP TO IT YOU BUTTHEAD

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 23:

OSHITA,

MY THANKS FOR YOUR PROFESSIONAL ADVICE AND THE RECOMMENDATION OF AN ATTORNEY_I WILL ADMIT THAT I WAS NOT INFORMED BY THAT GORMLESS WASTE OF SKIN CLEMENT THAT I WOULD NEED AN ATTORNEY_I HAVE ORDERED THAT NITWIT TO PROCURE ONE FOR ME_IF HE FAILS TO DO SO I WILL BRING IN MY OWN ATTORNEY FROM THE FIRM OF WOLFRAM & HART TO HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION_DEWEY FLEESEM IS A TOP NOTCH LAWYER AND WILL SORT THIS OUT NO PROBLEM_NOW I MUST TELL YOU PROFESSIONAL TO PROFESSIONAL, THAT CLEMENT NEEDS TO GET THE BIG BOOT DOWNSTAIRS AND HE IS ONE OF THE MOST USELESS CHEAP EXCUSES FOR A BANKER THAT IT HAS EVER BEEN MY DISPLEASURE TO ALLEGEDLY WORK WITH_ HE'S ABOUT AS MUCH HELP AS A PRAYER BOOK IN A BROTHEL AND I SUGGEST YOU FIRE HIM IMMEDIATELY OR MORE THAN LIKELY HE'LL COCK UP SOME REGULAR CUSTOMER'S BUSINESS AND SEND THE BANK INTO A TAILSPIN OF LEGAL FEES AND COMPLAINTS_MEANTIME, I SHALL WAIT TO HEAR FROM THE ATTORNEY HE IS TO GET FOR ME_IF HE FAILS TO DO SO IN TWO DAYS, I SHALL PUT MY ATTORNEY ON THE CASE AND HAVE HIM CONTACT YOU SO THIS DEAL CAN PROCEED BEFORE NEXT CHRISTMAS, I HOPE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 23:

HELLO KURYAKIN
THANKS FOR THE INSULT,I AM VERY SORRY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY NEXT TIME I WILL BE MORE CAREFULL,I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE FILE HERE IS THE LAWYERS CONTACT I ADVISE YOU EMAIL HIM AT ONCE BRIEF HIM ABOUT THIS BUSINESS AND ASK HIM HOW MUCH IS GOING TO BE HIS LEGAL FEES SO THAT HE CAN HELP IN PROCURING THE DOCUMENTS NEEDED.BELOW IS HIS EMAIL ADDRESSE BALA SHEHU & ASSOCIATES
Email: bala_shehu2002@yahoo.com
Tel: +234-1-472-10-42
DO KEEP ME UPDATED ON EVENTS AND SORRY FOR ALL THE TROUBLES

CLEMENT



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 23:

CEMENT,

OH BOO HOO HOO, ARE YOU GOING TO START ABOUT THE "INSULTS" AGAIN? FOR GODS SAKE YOU WORTHLESS WANKER, THEY SEEM TO BE THE ONLY THING THAT GETS YOU OFF YOUR TUTSI AND INTO SOME WORK_NEXT TIME? NEXT TIME?!??!? DON'T BET ON IT YOU DUNDERHEAD_ONCE THIS BUSINESS IS DONE AND WE EACH HAVE OUR SHARE OF THE CASH YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN YOU GREAT TWIT_NOW I SEE THAT YOU HAVE PROCURED AN ATTORNEY, BUT WHAT'S ALL THIS NONSENSE ABOUT TALKING TO HIM TO PROCURE THE DOCUMENTS? FOR GODS SAKE MAN, YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD THE DOCUMENTS!!!! HAVE YOU NOT BEEN READING WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU??
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO KNOWS THE DETAILS OF THE INCIDENT YOU NATTERING NUMBSKULL, SO YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS TO TELL THE ATTORNEY WHAT'S GOING ON! I'M DOING ENOUGH PROVIDING MY GOOD NAME TO THIS GREAT PEAR SHAPED FIASCO_DO I HAVE TO SPELL EVERYTHING OUT FOR YOU? GREAT THUMPING THUNDERHEADS ARE YOU A COMPLETE IDIOT???

TELL THE LAWYER WHAT YOU TOLD ME IN YOUR FIRST EMAIL, GIVE HIM THE DOCUMENTS YOU ALLEGEDLY TOLD ME YOU HAVE, AND THEN HAVE THE LAWYER CONTACT ME VIA EMAIL_I'M NOT ABOUT TO CONTACT HIM UNTIL HE HAS BEEN BRIEFED BY YOU THE SUPPOSED EXPERT ON THIS CASE_THEN HAVE HIM WRITE TO ME AND TELL ME HIS FEES_YOU_ARE_THE_INSIDE_ CONTACT, MAN!!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GREASING THE WHEELS OF THIS DEAL NOT STANDING AROUND A SMELLY STREETCORNER CONVERSING WITH YOUR DRUNKEN NEIGHBOR ABOUT WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR PANTS LAST NIGHT_NOW TALK TO THE ATTORNEY AND DON'T WRITE ME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE GOTTEN HIM UP TO SPEED_HOP TO IT MAN HOP TO IT BEFORE I BURST A BLOOD VESSEL

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 24:

CEMENT,

WHAT THE DEVIL'S GOING ON NOW, MAN??? DID YOU SPEAK TO THE ATTORNEY YOU GREAT THUNDERING CLOD? HAS HE BEEN BROUGHT UP TO SPEED? DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE SITTING IN SOME DARK CORNER ALL TEAREY EYED AND SUCKING YOUR THUMB_FOR GODS SAKE MAN SHOW A LITTLE BACKBONE_AND STOP BEHAVING LIKE A PANTYWASTE 5 YEAR OLD WHO STILL WEARS DIAPERS AND WETS THE BED_GET THAT ATTORNEY TO CONTACT ME AT ONCE DO YOU HEAR AT ONCE_IF I DON'T HEAR FROM YOU BY THIS EVENING I WILL START CONSIDERING ANOTHER OFFER MADE TO ME THIS MORNING BY A MR. JAMES OBI_I HAVE ALREADY SPOKEN WITH HIM ON THE PHONE AND HE IS NOT ONLY PROFESSIONAL AND PLEASANT BUT HAS A LARGER SUM OF MONEY TO BE DIVIDED UP_NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE THIS DEAL THEN PULL YOUR PANTS UP AND GET CRACKING YOU LOUT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 25:

Sir
I have contacted the Lawyer and explained to him about the Documents and he said he prefers to transact with you directly and i have given him your contact ,i hope this will be okay for you this time around and do not forget me when this Money is transfered and stop dealing with unidentified staff of the Bank.I hope to get my share.
Clement.



MARCH 25, ANOTHER SCAMMER TAKES THE FIELD, BALA SHEHU, ATTORNEY:

BALA SHEHU

Date: Fri, 25 Mar 2005
From: "BALA SHEHU CHAMBERS" <balashehuassociates@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: LEGAL CONTACT

View attachment

Read,Understand & respond:

FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
BALA SHEHU & ASSOCIATES
LEGAL PRACTITIONER AND SOLICITOR OF CO-OPERATE CONSULTANCE
NO F1553 OJO ALABA INTERNATIONAL MRT. LAGOS NIGERIA
Tel: 234-1-472-1042, Mobile: 234-802341373 Fax: 234-1-449-459
Email: balashehuassociates@yahoo.co.uk

Our ref: NNC/PHC/0023
your ref: NNC/BA/101

Date: 25 /2/2005

ESTATE OF ENGR.ALEXANDER KURYAKIN

Bala Shehu & Associate
Bala Shehu Chamber
Legal Practitioner & solicitor
Co-operate Consultancies

Attn : Ilya Kuryakin,

I was made to understand by one Mr Clement Uzodinma of the Standard Trust Bank Plc To Contact you and act as your residential Attorney here in Nigeria and help in getting Documents ascertained by the Bank on your Behalf, for the Release of Your Inheritance. Already Your Information was given to me which I shall use to create a file for you and ensure I move Down to the Standard trust bank Victoria Island branch first thing tomorrow Morning so as to legally apply for the release of the fund to you as your Personal attorney.

I shall visit the Standard trust bank management with two other senior Advocate of the national judicial council who are members of my chamber and we Shall ensure we come to a compromise with the Standard trust bank management Tomorrow as regards the release of your inheritance into your personal Nominated bank Account.

I shall call my legal associates to inform them about the movement to the Standard trust bank management tomorrow and also alert my legal chamber to Stand up for the total accomplishment of your fund release into your bank Account in the United States as you have insinuated.

I shall keep you informed as soon as i return back from the Standard trust Bank management tomorrow dated {7/ 2 / 2005}.

Legal notice: In accordance to the payment plan and policy of my legal Chamber, my attorney fee for the legal operation of your fund release shall be The total sum of {$1350}, the fee which you are to wire down via western union Money transfer to my junior attorney {Mr. Daniel Obieze}. Be informed that you shall have to come up with the fee before my legal Chamber can commence the legal operation of your fund release.

Now by the power conferred on me as a senior advocate of the national judicial Council, by the Federal High Court of Justice with due respect to sub-section 55c, chapter 36a, cap 112, page 105 of the federal constitution of Nigeria Binding all legal international foreign beneficiary act for decree 00.02, I Shall ensure i legally work to the total accomplishment of your inheritance Into your nominated bank account in the united state of America at the due Time which will not be more than the existing period of 180:

hours. Below is the western union payment information for my attorney fee, which you will have to pay to my chamber immediately:

Receivers Name: Mr. Daniel Obieze
Text Question: What is your Colour?
Text Answer: Yellow
Address: No f1553 Ojo alaba international mrt, Lagos Nigeria
Amount: $1350

Ensure you send down the fee to the junior attorney of my legal chamber and Send me the {Control / Mtcn} number use for making the payment.

I legally rest my case at this juncture; expect my contact tomorrow as soon as i am through with the Standard trust bank management tomorrow morning.

Legal Notice: You are to wire the money through any western union outlets Beside you (Eg) Supermarket/Gas Station/ Stores /and also Attach to this mail is my Legal Identity (My Call to Bar and my International Passport)

My Lawful Regards

Justice Bala Shehu
Legal act 00.0123.
BALA SHEHU
CHAMBERS



BALA SHEHU

MARCH 25, MORE FROM BALA SHEHU:

Attn: kuryakin

I have attached my company's certificate of incorporation as a registered legal practitioner and my license as a practising lawyer in accordance with legal practitioners Act 45,Cap 207 of 1970 law of the federation.

I rest my case.

Justice Bala Shehu

(san) senior AdvocateofNigeria





ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 25:

CEMENT,

THIS IS ALMOST BEYOND BELIEF_VERY WELL, I SHALL AWAIT THE EMAIL FROM THIS SO-CALLED LAWYER AND HE'D BETTER BE ABOVE BOARD AND NOT JUST SOME OVERWEIGHT PIG FARMER FRIEND OF YOURS IN A NATTY ROBE AND A SHABBY POWDERED WIG_BELIEVE ME IF THIS ALL GOES THROUGH YOU'LL GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU_NO WORRIES ON THAT YOU MUPPET_AND WHAT THE BLAZES DO YOU MEAN ABOUT "STOP DEALING WITH UNIDENTIFIED STAFF OF THE BANK"?? OSITA'S YOUR BOSS YOU MORONIC MENDICANT!!! FOR GODS SAKE MAN STOP RAIDING THE SHERRY CABINET AND PULL YOUR FINGER OUT IF YOU CAN MANAGE IT OR YOUR FUTURE IN THIS BUSINESS IS IN GRAVE DOUBT_I SHALL CONTACT YOU WHEN THIS LAWYER HAS MADE SOME PROGRESS_HOPEFULLY BEFORE NEXT CHRISTMAS

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



BALA SHEHU

MARCH 26:

Attn :Ilya Kuryakin,

I was made to understand by one Mr Clement Uzodinma of the Standard Trust Bank Plc To Contact you and act as your residential Attorney here in Nigeria and help in getting Documents ascertained by the Bank on your Behalf, for the Release of Your Inheritance. Already Your Information was given to me which I shall use to create a file for you and ensure I move Down to the Standard trust bank Victoria Island branch first thing tomorrow Morning so as to legally apply for the release of the fund to you as your Personal attorney.

I shall visit the Standard trust bank management with two other senior Advocate of the national judicial council who are members of my chamber and we Shall ensure we come to a compromise with the Standard trust bank management Tomorrow as regards the release of your inheritance into your personal Nominated bank Account.

I shall call my legal associates to inform them about the movement to the Standard trust bank management tomorrow and also alert my legal chamber to Stand up for the total accomplishment of your fund release into your bank Account in the United States as you have insinuated.

Legal notice:

In accordance to the payment plan and policy of my legal Chamber, my attorney fee for the legal operation of your fund release shall be The total sum of {$1350}, the fee which you are to wire down via western union Money transfer to my junior attorney {Mr. Daniel Obieze}.

Be informed that you shall have to come up with the fee before my legal Chamber can commence the legal operation of your fund release.

Now by the power conferred on me as a senior advocate of the national judicial Council, by the Federal High Court of Justice with due respect to sub-section 55c, chapter 36a, cap 112, page 105 of the federal constitution of Nigeria Binding all legal international foreign beneficiary act for decree 00.02, I Shall ensure i legally work to the total accomplishment of your inheritance Into your nominated bank account in the united state of America at the due Time which will not be more than the existing period of 180: hours. Below is the western union payment information for my attorney fee, which you will have to pay to my chamber immediately:

Receivers Name: Mr. Daniel Obieze
Text Question: What is your Colour?
Text
Answer: Yellow
Address: No f1553 Ojo alaba international mrt, Lagos Nigeria
Amount: $1350

Ensure you send down the fee to the junior attorney of my legal chamber and Send me the {Control / Mtcn} number use for making the payment.

I legally rest my case at this juncture; expect my contact tomorrow as soon as i am through with the Standard trust bank management tomorrow morning.

Legal Notice: You are to wire the money through any western union outlets Beside you (Eg) Supermarket/Gas Station/ Stores /and also Attach to this mail is my Legal Identity (My Call to Bar and my International Passport)

My Lawful Regards

Justice Bala Shehu
Legal act 00.0123.
BALA SHEHU CHAMBERS



UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 28:

Hello Mr Kuryakin
Happy Holiday,because in my Country we are celebrating Easter,back to business, Have you heard from the Lawyer and hen is he going to conclude with the Bank so that this Fund can be transfered out of the Country to your account on time,because it seems that this whole thing is slow please you need to hurry the lawyer up ok,do send me your telephone number so that we can talk on phone as well,Greetings to your loved ones
Clement



AFTER LETTING CLEMENT SWEAT FOR A FEW DAYS YET AGAIN, HE WRITES:

UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 30:

Hello Mr Kuryakin
Are you sure you are ok?



KURYAKIN WRITES TO SHEHU FIRST:

ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 30:

SHEHU, I HAVE RECEIVED YOUR INITIAL EMAIL AND AM AMAZED THAT GREAT THUNDERING LUNKHEAD CEMENT MANAGED TO PULL HIS NOSE OUT OF HIS NEIGHBORS POSTERIOR LONG ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY GET ANYTHING DONE_ I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN CONTACT WITH YOU SOONER, BUT HAVE BEEN IN HOSPITAL FOR THE LAST 4 DAYS DUE TO A HYPER TENSIVE CONDITION NO DOUBT BROUGHT ON BY THE CONTINUAL IDIOCY AND LACK OF COMPETENCE SHOWN BY CEMENT_FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN YOU'D BETTER SHOW ME YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE_TO THAT END, MY ATTORNEY HAS ADVISED ME THAT BEFORE I SEND YOU ANY MONEY I NEED TO KNOW IF YOUR FEE STRUCTURE IS A PRO QUIM FLAGRANTE SCALE_DON'T ASK ME WHAT THE BLAZES IT MEANS, MY ATTORNEY HAS ASSURED ME THAT YOU WILL KNOW AND ANSWER APPROPRIATELY_AND NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT HIS INQUIRIES AS HE IS PARTY TO ALL MY FINANCIAL DEALINGS OF ANY AND ALL NATURE_I EXPECT A REPLY FROM YOU POST HASTE AS I DO NOT WISH ANY FURTHER DELAYS OR DILLY-DALLYINGS TO WORSEN MY HEALTH_I HAVE ADVISED MY SECRETARY TO STAND AT THE READY TO SEND YOU THE MONEY AND AM AWAITING YOUR REPLY SO THAT I MAY GIVE HER THE WORD_NOW SHOW ME SOME SPEED AND EFFICIENCY MAN_HOP TO IT I. KURYAKIN, CEO



NOW KURYAKIN TAKES A SWIPE AT CLEMENT

ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 30:

CEMENT,

SLOW??! SLOW??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT THUNDERING GUNS YOU LUNKHEAD_IF IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S GOING SLOW MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND LESS TIME FLICKING BOOGERS AT THE WALL OF YOUR OFFICE AND MORE TIME ACTING LIKE A BUSINESSMAN_YES IT SEEMS SLOW BECAUSE AT EVERY TURN WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON TOP OF THIS DEAL AND SPEEDING IT THROUGH INSTEAD I HAVE FOUND YOU STANDING AROUND WITH NO DOUBT YOUR HAND IN YOUR PANTS AND A BLANK STARE ON YOUR PINT-SIZED HEAD_YES I HAVE HEARD FROM THE LAWYER AND HERE'S ANOTHER NEWS FLASH FOR YOU_I HAVE BEEN IN HOSPITAL FOR THE LAST 4 DAYS WITH A HYPER-TENSIVE CONDITION BROUGHT ON BY UNDUE STRESS!!! NOW GUESS WHO HAS BEEN THE SOURCE FOR ALL THIS STRESS? CAN YOU GUESS YOU CLODHOPPING COCKLEHEAD? YOU HAVE BEEN! MY DOCTOR KEPT ME IN HOSPITAL AND AWAY FROM ALL BUSINESS DEALINGS BECAUSE HE FELT I WAS IN DANGER OF A HEART ATTACK_I HAVE MANAGED TO CONVINCE HIM THAT I CAN RETURN TO WORK AND THAT THE CURRENT SOURCE OF MY STRESS WILL SOON BE CLEARED UP_THAT MEANS THIS DEAL MUST GO THROUGH WITH NO FURTHER DELAYS_NOW I HAVE WRITTEN TO THE LAWYER AND NEED TO GET A REPLY FROM HIM BEFORE HIS FEE IS SENT AND THIS DEAL CAN GO THROUGH_I WANT YOU TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER HIS HEINIE AND GET HIM HOPPING OR THIS WHOLE THING WILL COLLAPSE_DO YOU THINK YOU CAN MUSTER ENOUGH MENTAL ENERGY TO DO THAT AT LEAST? FOR GODS SAKE MAN YOU'D BETTER_I EXPECT A REPLY FROM YOU FIRST THING TOMORROW OR SOONER DO YOU HEAR MAN_NOW GET TO IT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



[BALA SHEHU RESPONDS TO KURYAKIN'S INQUIRY ABOUT THE "PRO QUIM FLAGRANTE" FEE STRUCTURE...]

BALA SHEHU

MARCH 31
BALA SHEHU & ASSOCIATES
LEGAL PRACTITIONER AND SOLICITOR OF CO-OPERATE CONSULTANCE
NO F1553 OJO ALABA INTERNATIONAL MRT. LAGOS NIGERIA
Tel: 234-1-472-1042, Mobile: 234-802341373 Fax:

234-1-449-459
Email: balashehuassociates@yahoo.co.uk

Our ref: NNC/PHC/0024
your ref: NNC/BA/102

Date: 31 /03/2005

ESTATE OF ENGR.ALEXANDER KURYAKIN

Bala Shehu & Associate
Bala Shehu Chamber
Legal Practitioner & solicitor
Co-operate Consultancies

Attn : Ilya Kuryakin,

Be informed that this Legal Chambers fee Structure is never a Pro quim flagrante Scale system or a a flagrant miscarriage of justice as insinuated by your Lawyer(My learned collegue) He should also stop the use of such a vulgar term of offensive epithets as these business is Considered as the top most on agenda in my Chambers and shall not be treated with kids glove.

As soon as you make the Payment, I will have to act fast by proceeding to the Lagos University teaching Hospital (LUTH) where the deceased was certified dead for the doctor's report (Death Certificate), Also to get all informationŐs surrendering the death of the deceased before the medical report can be issued to me.

Immediately I finished from the hospital I will proceed to the federal high court of justice to submit an application, to secure the affidavit of support as requested by the Standard Trust Bank Plc.

To avoid unnecessary delay, I will advice you to forward other requested informationŐs at your disposal to the bank by email and promise them that you will forward other informationŐs soon.

I have also completed all the documentation processes which will facilitate the release of the fund to you as the authorized next of kin to the deceased and shall forward same to the bank later today or first thing tommorrow morning. Legal notice:< In accordance to the payment plan and policy of my legal Chamber, my attorney fee for the legal operation of your fund release shall be The total sum of {$1350}, the fee which you are to wire down via western union Money transfer to my junior attorney {Mr. Daniel Obieze}.

Be informed that you shall have to come up with the fee before my legal Chamber can commence the legal operation of your fund release.

Now by the power conferred on me as a senior advocate of the national judicial Council, by the Federal High Court of Justice with due respect to sub-section 55c, chapter 36a, cap 112, page 105 of the federal constitution of Nigeria Binding all legal international foreign beneficiary act for decree 00.02, I Shall ensure I legally work to the total accomplishment of your inheritance Into your nominated bank account , at the due Time which will not be more than the existing period of 180: hours.

Below is the western union payment information for my attorney fee, which yo

Receivers Name:Mr. Daniel Obieze
Text Question: What is your Colour?
Text Answer: Yellow
Address: No f1553 Ojo alaba international market Road, Lagos Nigeria
Amount: $1350

Ensure you send down the fee to the junior attorney of my legal chamber and Send me the {Control / Mtcn} number use for making the payment.

Please, endeavour to include all informations relating to the payment you make which includes, control number,text question and answer full name and address of the sender through my email box to enable me cash and procced as scheduled,upon the verifications of these documents the Bank shall have your Fund transfered .

I legally rest my case at this juncture; expect my contact tomorrow as soon as i am through with the Standard trust bank management tomorrow morning.

My Lawful Regards

Justice Bala Shehu
Legal act 00.0123.
BALA SHEHU CHAMBERS



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 31:

SHEHU,

BE INFORMED YOU GORMLESS CLOT, THAT THIS CEO DOES NOT APPRECIATE YOUR ARROGANT AND SELF IMPORTANT TONE!!! I HAVE BOUGHT AND SOLD ATTORNEYS LIKE YOU AS EASILY AS I BUY A MORNING NEWSPAPER_IF MY ATTORNEY WANTED ME TO ASK YOU SUCH A QUESTION YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE THERE WAS A GOOD REASON, MOST LIKELY TO TEST WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE A REAL ATTORNEY AND NOT JUST SOME TRUMPED UP TRIBAL BIG MAN WITH DRUG INDUCED DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR_FURTHERMORE, AND BASED ON YOUR REPLY, MY ATTORNEY HAS ADVISED ME THAT BEFORE ANY SUCH LEGAL FEES WILL BE PAID, PROPER IDENTIFICATION FROM BOTH YOU AND THIS SO CALLED JUNIOR ATTORNEY,DANIEL OBIEZE MUST BE FORWARDED TO ME_THEN WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE PAYMENT OF ANY FEES_NOW LISTEN UP YOU JACKASS, YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE A BIG MAN IN NIGERIA, BUT TO ME YOU'RE A BUG, AND IF YOU DON'T START USING THE PROPER TONE WITH YOUR BETTERS YOU WILL BE OFF THE CASE, DO YOU HEAR? ATTORNEYS LIKE YOU ARE A DIME A DOZEN, AND MY PERSONAL ATTORNEY IS MORE THAN SUFFICIENT AT DEALING WITH A SIMPLE CASE LIKE THIS_ALL I REQUIRE FROM YOU IS YOUR IDENTIFICATION AND YOUR ATTENDANCE TO GETTING THIS JOB DONE_IF YOU PROVE THAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF DOING MORE THAN THROWING AROUND YOUR OH SO IMPRESSIVE CREDENTIALS THEN YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE MAKE NO MISTAKE_BUT UNTIL THEN YOU'RE A FLUNKY AND AN ANNOYING ONE AT THAT_NOW GET TO WORK AND SHOW SOME EFFICIENCY AT ONCE MAN AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 31:

Hello Kuryakin
I am very Sorry for your illness i hope you have gotten better by now?There was a meeting yesterday in the Bank by the Bank Board of Directors,according to an insider your issue was among the topics.As all protocols and arrangement have been made for the transfer to be effected as soon as the Lawyer gets the required document submitted to the Bank.
I advise you try and conclude with the Lawyer as soon as Possible so that the transfer could be made.I assure you everything will be fine and upon the transfer i will be coming down to your Country for my own Share of the fund.
I was at the lawyers office but met his absence but i spoke with his secretary at length and i made them to understand how urgent it is for there Chambers to act fast on your behalf,trust me i am doing everything possible to make sure that everything goes smoothly .Do get in touch with the lawyer so that he can act fast.i wait to hear from you.
Clement



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 31:

CEMENT,

BETTER? BETTER??!!?? YOU GREAT BUMBLING BUFFOON THE ONLY THING THAT WILL MAKE ME BETTER IS A CONCLUSION TO THIS WHOLE TAWDRY AFFAIR_IF YOU HAVE IN FACT BEEN TO THE LAWYERS OFFICE AND NOT JUST HANGING AROUND HALF DRUNK WITH THE LOCAL GOATHERD, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I HAVE CONTACTED THE LAWYER AND HAVE BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THE LAWYER FOR SOME DAYS NOW_FOR GODS SAKE MAN STOP SNORTING SO MUCH NASAL INHALER OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT SEEMS TO HAVE MADE A RATS RESORT OF YOUR BRAIN AND TRY TO FOCUS ON THE BUSINESS AT HAND_FOR ONE THING THAT LAWYER SHEHU IS GETTING A LITTLE TOO FULL OF HIMSELF AND IF HE DOESN'T CHANGE HIS TONE I'M GOING TO FIRE HIS ASS FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY JACKOFF ROBINSON_NOW YOU LET THAT TRUMPED UP EXCUSE FOR A LEGAL PROFESSIONAL KNOW THAT HE IS NOT THE ONLY ATTORNEY ON THE PLANET AND THAT IF HE DOESN'T SHAPE UP AND USE A MORE SUBSERVIENT TONE THAT HE CAN AND WILL BE REPLACED WITH ANOTHER ATTORNEY_MY PERSONAL ATTORNEY DEWEY FLEESEM IS MORE THAN COMPETENT ENOUGH AND KNOWS HOW TO CONDUCT HIMSELF IN A PROPER FASHION IN THESE TYPE OF SITUATIONS_SO IF YOU CANNOT FIND ANOTHER ATTORNEY IN NIGERIA I WILL SEND FLEESEM OVER THERE TO HANDLE THINGS_FOR GODS SAKE MAN STOP MAKING FEEBLE PROMISES OF RESULTS AND LET ME ACTUALLY SEE SOMETHING HAPPENING BEFORE I BURST A BLOOD VESSEL_CONTACT ME WHEN YOU'VE TALKED WITH THE LAWYER AND NOT JUST SPENT AN AFTERNOON TRYING TO NO DOUBT TALK YOUR WAY INTO HIS SECRETARY'S PANTIES_SHOW SOME FOCUS MAN FOCUS

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



[SHEHU TAKES THE HIGH ROAD, AND SENDS PHOTOS!!]

BALA SHEHU

MARCH 31:

Attn :Ilya Kuryakin,

I do not wish to banter words with you as i am here to serve you and i appologize for the cohersion of languages used for _expression.

Finally i had an appointment with the medical Director of the Lagos State University Teaching Hospital he has finally agreed to issue the Death Certificate Of the Late Engr Alexander Kuryakin tommorrow the 01-04-2005.

There upon I shall proceed to the Bank to submit a copy and also forward a copy to you, for your perusal.Before i will then proceed to the Probate section of the Federal Ministry of Justice to secure the remaining Documents and also swear an Affidavit of Claim on your behalf at the Federal High Court as requested by the Bank.

Attached is my Personal Photograph and that of my junior Attorney Mr Daniel Obieze Staff identification Card as requested by you and your Attorney.

Do make the Payment upon the receipt of this mail,in other to enable me proceed further in the actualiztion of these Project.

I rest my Case.

Barrister

Bala Shehu(San)



[Some real barrister's pic]

[Looks like a pic of Charles Soludo, head of the Central Bank of Nigeria.]


UZODINMA CLEMENT

MARCH 31:

DEAR KURYAKIN
Thanks for your understanding that i have been working very hard to see that we come to conclusion of these Fund transfer.
As for the Lawyer Barrister Bala Shehu do not worry as i believe he will compose himself as i have made them to understand that you are a respected personality(VIP)very important Personality, and should do anything to come in terms with you.
As for sending your lawyer to Nigeria i dont think that will be neccessary since Bala Shehu has agreed to speed up the process and that will also save time and Cost Sir.
Please do come to compromise with the lawyer(Bala Shehu) on time so that he can acquire the Documents at once,May the Almighty bless us in our efforts(Amen)I expect to hear the good news.
Clement



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 31:

CEMENT,

"WORKING VERY HARD"?!? GREAT THUNDERING GUNS MAN I CAN SEE YOUR DEFINITION OF HARD WORK COMES JUST SOMEWHERE ABOVE "CATATONIC STUPOR"_STILL, I HAVE HEARD FROM THE LAWYER AND HE SEEMS TO BE IN A BETTER AND MORE SUBSERVIENT STATE OF MIND_I LEAVE IT UP TO YOU TO MAKE SURE HE STAYS THAT WAY_ALTHOUGH I'M INCLINED TO BELIEVE AT THIS POINT THAT ANY POSITIVE ACTION YOU HAVE TAKEN IS MORE A RESULT OF DUMB LUCK THAN ACTUAL SKILL_NEVERTHELESS, I HAVE PUT FLEESEM ON STANDBY AND WILL ALLOW THIS WINDBAG SHEHU TO TEND TO THE MATTER FOR THE TIME BEING AND EXPECT TO HEAR FROM HIM TOMORROW_I WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN HE CONTACTS ME YOU HALF-WIT_AND BY ALL MEANS YOU'D BETTER CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR A POSITIVE OUTCOME AS YOU HAVE SHOWN ME THAT ONLY DIVINE INTERVENTION MAY KEEP THIS DEAL FROM TURNING COMPLETELY SOUTH

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



ILYA KURYAKIN

MARCH 31:

SHEHU,

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT YOU POMPOUS WASTE OF WIND_MAKE SURE YOU KEEP A CIVIL TONGUE IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU SPEAK TO YOUR BETTERS_AND NOW YOU CAN EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU HAVE SENT ME A PERFECTLY GOOD I.D. FOR YOUR JUNIOR ATTORNEY, WHILE THE ONLY IMAGE OF YOU IS A PHOTO WHICH I'M SURE IS A REAL TREAT FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO DROOL OVER BUT DOESN'T TELL ME A DAMN THING ABOUT WHO YOU ARE_FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN IF YOU'RE FINISHED SHOWING OFF YOUR BARRISTER'S OUTFIT WHY DON'T YOU PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND GET ME A REAL I.D. OR A PASSPORT OR SOMETHING THAT CONFIRMS WHO YOU ARE AND NOT JUST A PHOTO SHOWING WHAT COULD BE SOME DIMWIT FROM A REFUGEE CAMP WEARING A CHEAP WIG AND SOME ROBES FROM A TWO DOLLAR STREET HOOKER_ARE ALL YOU SO-CALLED BUSINESS PROFESSIONALS AS UNUTTERABLY RETARDED AS THIS?? FOR GOD'S SAKE YOUR JUNIOR ATTORNEY OBIEZE LOOKS MORE COMPETENT THAN YOU, MAYBE I SHOULD HAND OVER THIS ENTIRE AFFAIR TO HIM AS I'M SURE YOU TREAT HIM NO BETTER THAN A MANGY DOG AND HE WOULD BE GLAD TO BE GIVEN SOME REAL RESPONSIBILITY_AT LEAST YOU'RE PUSHING THINGS FORWARD WITH THE HOSPITAL, THE BANK, AND THE HIGH COURT_I'LL BE EXPECTING THE RESULTS FROM THESE EFFORTS TOMORROW MORNING AND THEY'D BETTER BE POSITIVE ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T WAGE MY MOTHER IN LAW'S LIFE ON IT_NOW GET ME THAT IDENTIFICATION CARD POST HASTE MAN POST HASTE_AND KEEP AT IT TO GET THIS PROCESS FINISHED AND YOU WILL SEE THE PAYMENT YOU DESERVE HAVE NO DOUBT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



BALA SHEHU

APRIL 1, SHEHU SHOWS HIS "I.D.":

View Attachment



[SHEHU WRITES TO KURYAKIN, AND SENDS THE WRONG DEATH CERTIFICATE]

BALA SHEHU

APRIL 1:

Attn : Ilya Kuryakin,

Finally the medical Director of the Hospital has issued to me the Death Certificate of the deceased.Attached is the Death Certificate of Late Engr Alexander Kuryakin, which I have gone to the Bank to submit the original copy,this morning for verifications as soon as you send my Attorney fees($1350usd) I shall proceed to the Federal High Court and get the sworn Affidavit on your behalf including the letter of Administration and shall have your fund Transfered upon the Verification exercise by the Bank.

However i write to inform you that i have suceeded in convincing them(Court) that you cannot be able to come down to Nigeria to swear the affidavit of support requested by the Standard Trust Bank Plc, for the release of the fund to you, due to your busy schedule.

However, the appointed date for the swearing of the affidavit has been reaffirm by the court to hold on today the 01/04/05. Although the court clerk said that i am expected to come along with your address and any form of your identification for the swearing on fixed date, since am representing you as your Attorney and the court's oath Duty fee is us$450 (Four Hundred & Fifty dollars).

The only basic problem now is how to raise the complete Oath duty fee as requested by the court which has to be sworn on Friday the Ist of April 2005.
We were so lucky that the court has accepted my pleading to represent you for the swearing as it is not usually easy if not for my plead.To hasten up this arrangement, i suggest you send this fee so as to proceed, through western union money transfer with the name of my junior Attorney

I rest my case.

My Lawful Regards

Barrister

Bala Shehu (San)




[Note, the Dead Guy is "Engineer Ray Clark"]


[KURYAKIN RESPONDS TO THIS NEWEST OUTRAGE]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 1:

SHEHU (SAN--OR WHATEVER IDIOTIC HONORIFIC YOU WANT TO USE),br>br> WHAT IS THIS???WHAT IN BLUE BLAZES IS THIS??!!??!!! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE YOU MORONIC MENDICANT??? OH YOU SENT ME A DEATH CERTIFICATE ALRIGHT YOU ROTUND RETARD, BUT IS IT THE DEATH CERTIFICATE FOR ALEXANDER KURYAKIN? NO YOU GREAT THUNDERING FATHEAD, IT'S THE COMPLETELY USELESS DEATH CERTIFICATE FOR ENGR. RAY CLARK!!!!!! WHO DIED IN A CAR WRECK!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THE CERTIFICATE WAS FILLED OUT IN NOVEMBER OF 2004!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TRUMPED UP SHINY SUITED SMELLY SON OF A TRIBAL TOERAG!!!!! IF THIS IS THE KIND OF LEGAL SERVICE I CAN EXPECT OF YOU THEN YOU'D BETTER HIGHTAIL IT BACK TO YOUR MUD HUT WHERE YOU CAN SIT IN THE DIRT PICKING MITES OFF YOUR SCABBY ASS AND DREAMING OF HOW YOU CAN STICK YOUR SHRIVELLED DICK INTO SOME TRIBESMANS UNDERAGE GOAT!! AND WHERE DO YOU GET OFF TELLING THE COURT WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO?? DO YOU HAVE ACCESS TO MY PERSONAL SCHEDULE?? HAVE YOU SUDDENLY BECOME MY PERSONAL ASSISTANT? AT THIS RATE, I WOULDN'T ASSIGN YOU AS A SERVANT TO MY SENILE HALF BLIND DOG! DON'T EVEN PRESUME TO SPEAK FOR ME IN TERMS OF WHAT I HAVE TIME IN MY SCHEDULE FOR YOU THIRD RATE TURD OF AN ATTORNEY_MY TIME IS MY OWN AND IF THEY NEED ME TO APPEAR BEFORE THEM THEN I WILL MAKE TIME_AND THERE'S NO PROBLEM RAISING THE OATH DUTY FEE_OH NO, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT PAYING A FEE UNTIL YOU STOP SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME FREEBASING STERNO AND GETTING STONED OUT OF YOUR MINISCULE MIND, AND GET THE CORRECT DEATH CERTIFICATE TO GIVE TO THE COURT!!! FOR GODS SAKE MAN YOU MUST BE A TOTAL LUNATIC OR AT THE VERY LEAST A MENTALLY RETARDED BROTHER TO A SYPHILLITIC MONKEY TO HAVE MADE A COCK UP AS MAJOR AS THIS_WHAT DOES IT TAKE YOU NITWIT, WHAT DOES IT TAKE?!? NOW GET THE RIGHT CERTIFICATE, AND THEN GIVE IT TO THE COURT AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO BEG ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES TO GET THE COURT TO HEAR THE CASE DUE TO YOUR INANE IDIOCY IN GETTING THE WRONG CERTIFICATE, BUT GET THEM TO EXTEND THE DATE_I SWEAR IF YOU FOUL THIS ONE UP I'M GIVING THIS CASE TO YOUR JUNIOR ATTORNEY OBIEZE TO HANDLE AND RECOMMEND THAT HE ASSIGN YOU A STRAIT JACKET IN THE HIGHEST SECURITY ASYLUM YOUR COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER_AND AS FAR AS MY DOCUMENTATION GOES, YOU MAY GET IT FROM GODFREY OSITA AT THE BANK AS I FAXED ALL RELEVANT INFORMATION TO HIM DAYS AGO_NOW FOR GODS SAKE MAN PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER AND GET THIS THING STRAIGHTENED OUT YOU BUTTHEADED BRAINLESS BARRISTER AT ONCE DO YOU HEARbr>br> I. KURYAKIN, CEO



[SHEHU RESPONDS WITH A LAME EXCUSE]

BALA SHEHU

APRIL 1:

Attn: Ilya Kuryakin
The error was made by one of my Staff,Whom i sent to the Hospital this morning and he has been fired,Do accept our Appolgy as it has been rectified immediately, Attached is the Original copy of the Late Engr Alexander Kuryakin, I promise that this kind of error will not repeat itself,Do send the Money at once so that i can proceed,its urgent as i am having 5hrs difference before the Swearing of Oath.Without the money we are stagnant and can not proceed further.Thank you for your understanding.
Barrister
Bala Shehu



[AT THIS POINT, I ACTUALLY COULD NOT OPEN THE ATTACHED DEATH CERTIFICATE, SO KURYAKIN RESPONDS ACCORDINGLY]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 1:

SHEHU,

YOU TUMESCENT TRUNDLEHEAD YOU ARE SERIOUSLY CLOSE TO BLOWING THIS DEAL_I AM GLAD TO HEAR YOU'VE FOUND THE BACKBONE TO FIRE ONE OF YOUR OBVIOUSLY SUBHUMAN UNDERLINGS, BUT THE ATTACHMENT YOU HAVE SENT CANNOT BE OPENED BY MY COMPUTER!!! FOR GODS SAKE MAN USE COMMON TECHNOLOGY AND NOT SOME COBBLED TOGETHER THIRD WORLD EXCUSE FOR A COMPUTER FILE_NOW RE-SUBMIT THAT CERTIFICATE IN A FORM THAT CAN BE VIEWED BY MACHINES CLOSER TO THE CURRENT CENTURY OR I WILL HAVE THAT USELESS SACK OF SANTORUM CLEMENT CONTACT YOUR JUNIOR ATTORNEY OBIEZE AND HAVE HIM TAKE OVER THIS CASE!!! HOP TO IT MAN HOP TO IT BEFORE I WIND UP BACK IN HOSPITAL WITH A BLOWN ARTERY_NOW THE CLOCK IS OBVIOUSLY TICKING SO IF YOU WANT THAT FEE YOU HAD BETTER SHOW ME SOME REAL RESULTS YOU HALITOSIC HALF-WIT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



[OSITA WEIGHS IN TO TRY AND SPEED THINGS ALONG]

GODFREY OSITA

APRIL 1:

THE MANAGER,
STANDARD TRUST BANK PLC
1/22 WARE HOUSE ROAD, APAPA
LAGOS - NIGERIA
Tel: +234-1-470-4892,473-66-8808

Attn: Ilya Kuryakin
In respect of the above subject matter, the Executive Managing Director, Standard Trust Bank Plc. has ordered the immediate reconciliation, updating of the financial records and also the issuance of the up-to-date statement of account covering the following financial year, 2004 and 2005 respectively of the late Engr. Alexander Kuryakin .
As the Bank is in receipt of the Death Certificate,Upon receipt of these under mentioned Documents.The bank shall transfer the current balance of the account into your newly designated Bank account as captioned in your application. Owing to this development, you are therefore requested to provide us with the following information from the Federal High Court of Justice:

1. Letter of Administration from the Federal High Court Registry, duly sealed and signed from the Federal law court here and also the Witness to your claim (Preferable, a legal practioner based in Nigeria) should sign as your witness.
1. Sworn Affidavit of Trust Certificate from the Federal High Court (Probate Letter Of Recommendation).
2. Sworn Affidavit as to the next of kin to the late Engr. Alexander Kuryakin(Probate Letter Of Recommendation).
3. Police report

Applicant is expected to return this data form 044 within 2 banking days, Upon the receipt of the above requested documents, we shall effect the payment procedure to enable us credited your account irrevocably. All modality has been put in place according to the memo received from our Head office, Lagos.
Yoys faithfully
Godfrey Osita



[SHEHU SENDS THE DEATH CERTIFICATE AGAIN ( I STILL COULDN'T OPEN IT), AND MAKES A LUDICROUS SUGGESTION]

BALA SHEHU

APRIL 1:

Attn: Kuryakin

View Attachment of the Death Certificate as i will send to you all the Documents by postal mail after the Transfer has been made,so do not worry just send the fees so that i can hurry up.I have just 1 hr left to rush down to the court.

Barrister

Bala Shehu



[KURYAKIN EXPLODES]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 1:

SHEHU,

POSTAL....!!!!!!!!!! POSTAL MAIL?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT_IS_IT!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GREAT GORMLESS GRANDSON OF A GOATHERD!!!! I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS HOW MUCH TIME YOU HAVE LEFT TO GO TO COURT, YOU ARE OFF THE CASE, DO YOU HEAR? OFF THE CASE YOU LUNKHEADED LOW BROW EXCUSE FOR A LEGAL PROFESSIONAL! GO BACK TO WHATEVER DRUG AND ALCOHOL INDUCED STUPOR THAT YOU ARE ACCUSTOMED TO AND HAND THIS OVER TO OBIEZE DO YOU HEAR???? I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR UIMAGINEABLY INEPT AND ASTOUNDINGLY ASSININE ANTICS AND NOW SEE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY FIT ONLY FOR PICKING UP USED CIGARETTE BUTTS FROM SOME SCUMMY LATRINE IN A SHANTY TOWN CORNER BAR!! THE NEXT EMAIL I GET HAD BETTER BE FROM YOUR JUNIOR AND I EXPECT HIM TO RESUBMIT THIS CASE TO COURT FOR A LATER DATE_AND DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE BANK IS ASKING FROM ME??? THEY WANT ALL THE DOCUMENTS, THE DEATH CERTIFICATES, ETC. WHAT IN GODS NAME HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO YOU GREAT TWITTERING TIT??!? PROBABLY SITTING AT SOME WORM EATEN DESK STARING THE WALL WITH A MORONIC _EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE AND SEEING HOW QUICKLY YOU CAN FILL A BOWL WITH YOUR OWN DROOL_ YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SUPPLY THEM WITH ALL SUCH INFORMATION_WELL YOU ARE DONE YOU USELESS SMEAR OF EXCREMENT_DONE DO YOU HEAR? GIVE THIS CASE TO OBIEZE AT ONCE DO YOU HEAR AT ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 1:

OSHITA,

HAVE RECEIVED YOUR REQUEST AND UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR CLEARING THIS UP, BUT HAVE HAD TROUBLE WITH MY TORPID EXCUSE FOR A LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE_REALLY I SHOULD BLAME YOU FOR RECOMMENDING SUCH A COMPLETE IDIOT_WHAT IS HE YOUR SISTER IN LAWS THIRD COUSING TWICE REMOVED? BECAUSE A FAMILY RECOMMENDATION IS THE ONLY WAY SUCH A MORON COULD GET WORK_I'D DO BETTER WITH A MENTALLY DEFICIENT APE IN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME THAN WITH THE BARRISTER YOU'VE RECOMMENDED_ HE HAS ALL PAPERWORK YOU REQUIRE BUT I HAVE HAD TO FIRE THE WASTE OF SKIN DUE TO HIS COMPLETE AND UTTER INCOMPETENCE_I AM IN THE PROCESS OF HANDING OVER THE CASE TO HIS JUNIOR WHO I HOPE HAS AT LEAST A FOURTH OF A BRAIN IN HIS HEAD_I WILL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN THIS SKUNK'S NEST OF IDIOCY HAS BEEN RESOLVED

I. KURYAKUN, CEO



[AAAAND KURYAKIN TAKES A SWIPE AT POOR CLEMENT]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 1:

CEMENT,

WELL THIS WHOLE DEAL IS NOW UP IN THE AIR YOU CRETINOUS CLOWN AS I HAVE HAD TO FIRE THE BRAIN DEAD LAWYER THAT YOU RECOMMENDED YOU DOLT_I HAVE INSTRUCTED THAT IDIOT TO LET HIS JUNIOR ATTORNEY TAKE OVER THE CASE AND PERHAPS HE WILL DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE ALTHOUGH I'D SOONER BET ON A CONSTIPATED TORTOISE TO WIN THE KENTUCKY DERBY THAN EXPECT RESULTS FROM ANY OF YOU_NOW I WANT YOU TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THIS OBIEZE AND MAKE SURE HE GETS ALL THE PROPER PAPERWORK IN ORDER FOR BOTH THE COURTS AND THE BANK AND THEN HE WILL GET THE FEE HE DESERVES_DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CAPABLE OF THAT YOU GREAT COCK-UP? YOU'D BETTER BE OR I'M GOING TO PUSH THROUGH THE DEAL PUT FORTH BY JAMES OBI_HE HAS BEEN FAR MORE COMMUNICATIVE AND EFFECTIVE THAN YOU UNWASHED LOT_NOW GET ON THE STICK YOU LOUSE AT ONCE DO YOU HEAR

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



UZODINMA CLEMENT

APRIL 1:

Dear Sir
I have contacted the Attorney barrister Bala Shehu and he has agreed to hand over this process to his junior Attorney as requested by your excellency.
Have you heard from him ?(Daniel obieze),Please i was told that he the barrister has submitted the Death Certificate to the Bank today and the Bank is waiting for the remaining Documents.
I was also told by obieze that as soon as you send their fees,he will proceed immediately to the Federal High Court for the Sworn Affidavite and the other Documents the Bank is requesting.
So please do send them there fees in other to speed up this process as the Bank has given us 2 Bank working days to submit the documents,please you have to act fast now.
Clement



[ENTER DANIEL OBIEZE]

DANIEL OBIEZE

APRIL 1:

Attn: KURYAKIN

SIR

I WAS TOLD TO TAKE UP YOUR CASE FROM MY BOSS BARRISTER BALA SHEHU BY BY BALA AND CLEMENT WHICH I HAVE DONE YOUR FILE IS WITH ME.

UPON THE RECEIPT OF THE PAYMENT OF $1350USD I SHALL PROCEED TO THE COURT FOR THE AFFIDAVITE AND OTHER DOCUMENTS,I PROMISE YOU BY TUESDAY NEXT WEEK THE BANK SHALL HAVE YOUR FUND TRANSFERED TO YOUR INLAND NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT,AS I PROMISE TO UPHOLD TRUTH ,JUSTICE,AND EFFICIENCY.

YOURS FAITHFULLY

BARRISTER

DANIEL OBIEZE



[KURYAKIN RELAYS THE NEWS TO CLEMENT]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 1:

CEMENT,

THIS IS ALMOST BEYOND BELIEF AND IF I HADN'T ACTUALLY RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM OBIESE I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT TRUE_THAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN HIM ON THE CASE IS ALL WELL AND GOOD YOU FLUNKY, BUT THE FEES ARE NOT WHAT IS SLOWING UP THIS PROCESS IT IS THE UNMITIGATED MOCKERY OF BUSINESS MANEUVERS THAT YOU AND YOUR MOTLEY CREW HAVE FOISTED ON THIS VENTURE_I HAVE TOLD THAT NUMBNUTS SHEHU AND NOW I'M TELLING YOU AND WILL TELL OBIESE THAT BEFORE ANY FEES ARE PAID I NEED TO SEE THIS DEATH CERTIFICATE AT LEAST TO MAKE SURE IT IS THE PROPER ONE AND NOT SOME PIECE OF WORTHLESS PAPER DETAILING THE DEATH OF RAY CLARK OR ANY OTHER INDIVIDUAL_NOW TRY TO STAY SOBER AND FOCUSED UNTIL AT LEAST THE END OF THE DAY AND GET THINGS BACK ON TRACK YOU FLAMING COCKLEHEAD

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



[KURYAKIN INITIATES OBIEZE INTO THIS MESS]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 1:

OBIESE,

FINALLY SOME DIRECT ACTION_I EXPECT YOU TO SHOW ME THAT YOU HAVE MORE ON THE BALL THAN THAT MENTAL MIDGET SHEHU_TO THAT END I STILL HAVE NOT SEEN A PROPER COPY OF THIS DEATH CERTIFICATE AND FURTHER IFYOU DO HAVE MY FILE THAN I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME A RUN DOWN OF THE PAPERWORK REQUIRED BY THE BANK SO I KNOW THAT BRAIN-DEAD BARRISTER SHEHU DIDN'T MANAGE ONE FINAL COCK-UP IN PASSING THIS ON TO YOU WHEN HIS WORTHLESS BUTT WAS KICKED TO THE CURB_SHOW ME THAT YOU ARE ON TRACK WITH THIS AND YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE_I HAVE MS. MOOREHEAD STANDING AT THE READY AND YOU WILL SEE YOUR FEES WHEN I SEE THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF RESULTS_SHOW ME YOU'RE AS GOOD AS YOUR PROMISES MAN NOW HOP TO IT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



[OBIEZE TRIES TO SEND THE DEATH CERTIFICATE]

DANIEL OBIEZE

APRIL 2:

Attn: Sir
Enclosed is a Scanned Copy of the Death Certificate of Late Engr Alexander Kuryakin,Do provide me with your fax number so that i can fax it to you if you desire but be rest assured that all the Documents that is require will be sent to you via Speed (Post,Fedex) I had a Close door Meeting with the International Remittance Officer of the Standard Trust Bank Plc, Mr Godfrey Osita and he assured me that all modalities has been put in place for the transfer of your Inheritance Fund,Upon the receipt of the following Documents
1. Police report
2.Sworn Affidavit of Trust Certificate from the Federal High Court (Probate Letter Of Recommendation)
3.Sworn Affidavit as to the next of kin to the late Engr. Alexander Kuryakin(Probate Letter Of Recommendation).
4.Letter of Administration from the Federal High Court Registry, duly sealed and signed from the Federal law court here and also the Witness to your claim .
Sir i will want to use this opportunity to re-assure you that i will put in my very best to see that the Transfer its been effected by tuesday.
Upon the receipt of my legal fees which will also facilitate my movement to the Court and other miscelleneous expenses that will be incured includind the Oath duty fee.I shall swing to action in other to keep to my promise that you will have your inheritance fund transfered in to your inland designated Account latest by Tuesday.
Thank you for your understanding so far.I rest my case
Barrister
Daniel Obieze




[Fracture of the brain!]


[I HAVE FINALLY SEEN THE DEATH CERTIFICATE, BUT THE STALLING IS TOO GOOD TO PASS UP, SO KURYAKIN WRITES]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 4

OBESE,

YOU ARE TREADING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO THE TERRITORY THAT GOT YOUR PREDECESSOR SHITCANNED! POST? FEDEX?!?? FOR GODS SAKE MAN, THIS CASE REQUIRES SPEED AND CERTAINTY OF TRANSMISSION_DO YOU THINK THAT AN OVERSEAS POSTAL MAILING WILL IN ANY WAY BE SUFFICIENT?? IF SO THEN I MUST SAY YOU BELONG IN WHATEVER DANK INSANE ASYLUM THAT SHEHU WAS RELEASED FROM_POSTAL MAIL IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE DO YOU HEAR_YOU MIGHT AS WELL TIE THE DOCUMENT TO THE LEG OF SOME HALF BLIND PIGEON AND THROW IT OFF A ROOFTOP YOU DOLT_YOU MAY UTILIZE MY FAX NUMBER WHICH HAS BEEN LEFT WITH SHEHU, THAT IDIOT CEMENT AND THE MANAGER AT THE BANK_NOW STOP STANDING AROUND DIDDLING YOURSELF AND GET ME A COPY OF THAT DEATH CERTIFICATE_IF NOT BY FAX THEN BY EMAIL AND MAKE SURE IT'S IN A FORM THAT CAN BE READ BY A NORMAL COMPUTER NOT SOME TRIBAL SPONSORED REJECT FROM A TELEVISION FACTORY_I WARN YOU OBESE, IF YOU DON'T START "SWINGING INTO ACTION" IN A MORE EFFICIENT MANNER, I WILL KICK YOUR NO DOUBT OVERSIZED REAR END TO THE CURB LIKE THAT MORON SHEHU_NOW GET ME SOME RESULTS MAN AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



OBIEZE STILL TRIES FOR THE CASH

DANIEL OBIEZE

APRIL 5:

Attn: Sir
The Content of your mail is well Understood.Sequel to my Previous email, do make the Payment at once so as to get results.
As i will fax to you All the Documents as soon as Practicable.For now What is delaying this Transaction is my Attorney fees,Which shall also facilitate my movement to the Court and secure the Document requested by the Standard Trust Bank Plc.
Thanks for your Co-operation,as i wait for the MTCN(money transfer control number)of the payment,also include senders Name and address.Text question and answer .As soon as i receive the Payment i shall expediate action.
I rest my case.
Barrister
Daniel Obieze



CLEMENT POPS UP TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING

UZODINMA CLEMENT

APRIL 6:

Hello Mr Kuryakin

How are you?What is the situation with you and the Attorney Mr Daniel Obieze?Both of you are slowing down this process,

In our interest i advise you write to the Bank and ask for extension of date,in other to enable you acquire the documents because the time given to you by the Bank has elapsed.Act fast man.

Clement



ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 6:

OBESE,

FOR NOW WHAT IS DELAYING THIS TRANSACTION YOU FATHEADED FOOL OF A BARRISTER IS YOUR COMPLETE INEPTITUDE IN GETTING ME THAT DEATH CERTIFICATE! FOR GODS SAKE DO YOU ALL SUCKLE AT THE SAME TEAT OF MINDLESS IDIOCY?!? ARE YOU ALL SOME INBRED TOESUCKING MORONS WHO CAN BARELY MANAGE TO PICK THE LICE FROM EACH OTHERS SHABBY ASSES? LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR:

YOU HAVE THE DEATH CERTIFICATE IN HAND YOU DUNDERHEADED WASTE OF HUMAN SKIN, AND UNTIL I SEE IT, YOU DON'T SEE A RED CENT OF YOUR PRECIOUS FEES YOU WANKER! NOW STOP MAKING EXCUSES_YOU CAN WAIT TIL HELL FREEZES OVER FOR YOUR MTCN NUMBER YOU GORMLESS GOATHERDING BUFOON, BUT UNLESS YOU SHOW ME YOU HAVE WHAT IS NECESSARY TO COMPLETE THIS TRANSACTION, YOU WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SHOW FOR THIS BUT EMPTY POCKETS AND A DUMB LOOK ON YOUR BUTTHEADED FACE_NOW REST YOUR FAT-ASSED CASE AT YOUR DESK AND SEND ME THAT CERTIFICATE YOU RAGHEADED IDIOT_AND DON'T WRITE BACK TIL YOU DO

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



KURYAKIN LETS CLEMENT HAVE IT, YET AGAIN

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 6:

CEMENT,

YOU GUTLESS, BRAINLESS, IMPOTENT, IDIOTIC EXCUSE FOR A BANKER! WHO IS SLOWING DOWN THIS PROCESS???!?? YOU ARE YOU GREAT GORMLESS TWIT! THAT PUTRID RAGHEADED WITCH DOCTOR OF AN ATTORNEY OBESE IS ON THE VERGE OF TURNING THIS ENTIRE AFFAIR INTO A DAY AT THE SLOTH RACES GIVEN HIS COMPLETE LACK ON SKILL AT DELIVERING CRUCIAL DOCUMENTS TO ME_DON'T YOU DARE GET SOME IDEA THAT YOU ARE ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SLIME THAT I SCRAPE OFF MY SHOE_ACT FAST?!?? ACT FAST????!! WHERE WERE THOSE WORDS OF SAGE WISDOM WHEN YOU WERE SITTING AT SOME FLYBLOWN DESK WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN TRYING TO WORK YOUR DICK IN TO A KNOT HOLE IN ONE OF THE DRAWERS? OH, NOW IT'S ACT FAST_WHAT HAS YOUR BOOZE MONEY DWINDLED TO ALMOST NOTHING? CAN'T RAISE THE TWO DOLLARS FOR YOU NEXT CHEAP HOOKER? ARE WERE YOU PLANNING ON BUYING ANOTHER GOAT TO SODOMIZE? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A FLYING LEAP DOWN THE STAIRS AND STAGGER OVER TO OBESE THAT BRAINLESS BOOB AND TELL HIM TO "ACT FAST" IN SENDING ME WHAT I REQUIRE_IF I DON'T HAVE PROOF THAT YOU RETARDS HAVE AT LEAST SOME SEMBLENCE OF ORGANIZATION IN THIS YOU'RE NOT SEEING A DIME OF THAT MONEY_AND IF I DON'T SEE THAT DEATH CERTIFICATE BY TOMORROW, I'M BRINGING IN MY ATTORNEY DEWEY FLEESEM AND OBESE CAN FLUSH HIMSELF DOWN THE TOILET AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED_NOW STOP OGLING YOUR SECRETARY FOR 5 MINUTES AND GET BUSY YOU LUNKHEAD

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



CLEMENT STARTS TO CAVE:

UZODINMA CLEMENT

APRIL 6:

Hello Mr Kuryakin.

I have gotten use to your insult and its not a nice way of showing Appreciation towards all my effort,though i have come to live with it.My main reason of writing you is to advise you to please speed up this Process so that this Fund can get transfered to you in New York as Arranged on time before the Bank will get this fund liquidated in to the National Treasury as Unclaimed Fund.

Hence you can not come to Compromise with these Lawyers including Barrister Obieze I suggest you bring in your lawyer Deway Fleesem,if that will make you feel better and get this dealed Sealed on time.Inform me at once When your Lawyer will be flying in so that i can arrange on When to pick him at the Airport.Though for him to acheive Complete Success he must work with a Practising Lawyer here in Nigeria.I wait for your Urgent response.

Clement



KURYAKIN KEEPS THE PRESSURE UP ON CLEMENT:

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 7:

CEMENT,

ARE YOU COMPLETELY BLIND??!?? CATEGORICALLY INSANE?!? OR IS YOUR SKULL ACTUALLY EMPTY AND BEING USED BY EAR MITES AS A HANDBALL COURT??!? THE ONLY ONE WHO IS SLOWING UP THIS PROCESS YOU BLUNDERING IDIOT BANKER IS YOU, YOU GOATSUCKING COCK-UP!!! HOW DARE YOU IMPLY ANYTHING TO THE CONTRARY YOU THIRD RATE LICE PICKING SHAM OF A BANKER_OH YOU'VE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH INSULTS, EH? WELL, WITH THE AMOUNT OF FOUL-UPS YOU MANAGE ON A MOMENT TO MOMENT BASIS, YOU'D HAVE TO YOU DUNDERHEAD_EVERY STEP OF THE WAY HAS BEEN BLOWN STRAIGHT TO HELL BY YOUR IMBECILIC EXCUSES FOR ACTION AND YOUR MORONIC CHOICES IN TERMS OF SO-CALLED LEGAL PROFESSIONALS WHO ARE REALLY NOTHING MORE THAN TRUMPED UP PIMPS IN CHEAP SUITS I'D WAGER_AT LEAST THEY'RE OFF THE CASE AND I CAN SEND A TRUE LEGAL PROFESSIONAL OUT TO YOUR GODFORSAKEN SHANTY TOWN TO SHOW YOU HOW TO GET THINGS DONE

_FLEESEM WILL BE ON A PLANE TOMORROW AND I EXPECT YOU TO TREAT HIM WITH THE RESPECT HE DESERVES AS A LEGAL PROFESSIONAL_NOW HERE IS THE INFORMATION: HE WILL BE DEPARTING LA GUARDIA TOMORROW ON KLM FLIGHT 6539 AT 11: 08 AM, TRANSFERRING TO FLIGHT 6068 IN AMSTERDAM AND ARRIVING IN LAGOS AT 5:50 PM, SATURDAY EVENING ON KLM FLIGHT 587_BY GOD YOU HAD BETTER BE THERE TO GREET HIM AND GET THIS DEAL ROLLING OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY, AND IT'LL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR MANGY HIDE, IS THAT CLEAR_NOW TRY TO KEEP FROM DRINKING YOURSELF INTO A STUPOR YOU BOOZE SOAKED CLOWN, AND DON'T BOTHER TELLING OBESE HE'S FIRED, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT MYSELF YOU BUTTHEAD

I. KURYAIN, CEO



[KURYAKIN BRINGS THE HAMMER DOWN ON OBIEZE]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 7:

OBESE,

CONGRATULATIONS YOU FATHEAD, YOU'RE FIRED!!!! YOU CAN SCAMPER BACK UP WHATEVER TREE YOU AND THAT NITWIT SHEHU CLIMBED DOWN FROM AND GO BACK TO PICKING LICE OUT OF EACH OTHER'S BUTTCRACKS WHICH IS MORE THAN LIKELY THE EXTENT OF THE FOCUS YOU'RE ABLE TO MUSTER_THAT MENTAL RUNT CEMENT HAS FINALLY DECIDED TO HAND THE REINS OF THIS BLOATED MONSTROSITY OF A DEAL OVER TO SOMEONE WHO CAN GET THE JOB DONE_HOPE YOU ENJOY COUNTING THE MOTHS THAT FLY OUT OF YOUR EMPTY POCKETS_BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN PROBABLY STILL GET A JOB EMPTYING THE PISS POTS AT THE CORNER BAR_THAT IS, IF YOU CAN PASS THE APTITUDE TEST, BUT I WOULDN'T BET GOOD MONEY ON THAT_GOOD LUCK YOU THUNDERING RETARD, YOU'LL NEED IT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



UZODINMA CLEMENT

APRIL 8:

Hello Mr Kuryakin
Thank you for your mail, your decision was well noted, please, can you confirm to me your Lawyers flight schedule to enable us send our official driver that will pick him from the Airport, and also his particular date of arrival.Provision has also been made for his Accmmodation as he will be Staying in the Bank Official guest House.He should also Scan and send to me immeditely via email the First three Pages of his International Passport
By the way Where is LA GUARDIA ? I wait your urgent response, in other to Conclude arrangement for his Stay.
Clement



ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 8:

CEMENT,

LA GUARDIA MEANS LA GUARDIA AIRPORT IN NEW YORK CITY YOU BRAINLESS BUMBLING BROTHER TO AN APE!!!!!!! AS FOR THE SPECIFIC TIMES OF HIS ARRIVAL, THEY WERE INCLUDED IN THE TEXT OF MY LAST EMAIL YOU GREAT THUNDERING IDIOT_FOR GODS SAKE MAN TAKE THE TIME TO ACTUALLY READ THE DAMN EMAIL YOURSELF INSTEAD OF GIVING IT TO SOME HAPLESS UNDERLING TO RECITE WHILE YOU'RE NO DOUBT SHAGGING HIM UP THE TUTSI_I AM NOW CONVINCED THAT YOU MUST BE A COMPLETE AND UTTER MORON WITH BARELY ENOUGH ON THE BALL TO MANAGE TO OPEN YOUR DIMWITTED EYES IN THE MORNING LET ALONE REMEMBER WHAT SMELLY SHACK YOU SLEPT IN THE NIGHT BEFORE AND WHOSE COW YOU JUST SODOMIZED_AND YOU WILL NOT BE RECEIVING THE FIRST THREE PAGES OF MY ATTORNEY'S PASSPORT_WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? THE BLASTED PORT AUTHORITY??!!?? SOME HALF-WITTED FEATHERED HEADRESS WEARING NATIVE WELCOMING COMMITTEE??!?!? YOU'RE ONE STEP ABOVE A SLUG IN MY BOOK AND THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOU DON'T LEAVE A SLIME TRAIL BEHIND YOU OR AT LEAST I'M HOPING YOU DON'T_AND YOU BET YOUR ASS HE'LL BE STAYING IN THE BANK OFFICIAL GUEST HOUSE AND YOU'D BETTER PROVIDE DINING ACCOMMODATIONS AS WELL OR THE EXPENSE WILL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR SHARE_AS IT IS I SHOULD DEDUCT THE COST OF HIS FLIGHT AS WELL_IN FACT I THINK I WILL SO TOO DAMN BAD FOR YOU_NOW MAKE SURE YOUR DRIVER IS WAITING AT THE AIRPORT TOMORROW WITH A SIGN SAYING "DEWEY FLEESEM?" AND THAT HE DOES NOT MISS HIM_MR. FLEESEM WILL BE WEARING POWDER BLUE JHODPURS SO HE SHOULD STICK OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB_AND DON'T WRITE ME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE PICKED HIM UP_I'M LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY TODAY TO GO ON A YOUNGLINE MAGAZINE "SPRING BREAK" WET T-SHIRT WEEKEND IN SCROTAL COVE CALIFORNIA AND EXPECT TO BE FAR TOO BUSY TO DEAL WITH THE LIKES OF A FATHEADED DOPE LIKE YOU_NOW TRY AND FOCUS AT THE TASK AT HAND FOR ONCE YOU MORONIC MENDICANT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



AFTER WHAT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WAS A VERY LONG WAIT AT THE AIRPORT, "CLEMENT" LOSES IT, ALONG WITH HIS PHONY I.D. AND REVEALS HIMSELF TO BE ONE "STEPHEN HOGAN":

UZODINMA CLEMENT

APRIL 12:

YOU BARSTARD
YOU ALLOWED ME TO SEND MY DRIVER TO AIRPORT TO RECEIVE YOUR FUCKING LAWYER AND THE USELESS THIRD RATE LAWYER DID NOT SHOW UP.IS THAT HOW YOU RUN YOUR FUCKING EMPIRE?BE INFORMED THAT I HAVE GOTTEN A RELIABLE PERSON WHOM I HAVE ALREADY HIRED AN ATTORNEY ON HIS BEHALF FOR CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP,THAT MEANS YOU ARE DOOMED AND SUCH IS LIFE FOR THOSE WHO THAT DONT ATTACH IMPORTANCE TO ETHICS,AND PLEASE DO NOT BOTHER TO REPLY THIS E-MAIL,AS EVERTHING IS NOW SET FOR THE TRANSFER AND THANK GOD FOR MY NEW PARTNER HE IS A PURE PROFESSINAL NOT AN IMBECILE LIKE YOU.
STEPHEN HOGAN


[He's almost certainly not "Stephen Hogan" either.]


KURYAKIN ADMINISTERS THE COUP DE GRAS, LETTING MR. HOGAN KNOW THE JIG IS UP]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 13:

YOU DUMB MUGU,

OOOOOOOOH, LOOK WHO THINKS HE'S GOTTEN SOME BALLS_RIGHT NOW, I'M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF AT HOW A BRAIN DEAD BROTHER TO A GONORRHEA RIDDEN MONKEY LIKE YOU IS GETTING ALL INDIGNANT OVER A DEAL THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST_WHAT, YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW FROM DAY ONE THAT YOU WERE NOTHING MORE THAN A HALF WIT INTERNET SCAMMER? THANKS FOR LETTING ME KICK YOUR ASS AROUND FOR OVER A MONTH YOU IMBECILIC LITTLE TURD OF A THIEF_NOTHING GIVES ME GREATER PLEASURE THAN KNOWING I'VE HAD SOME SCABBY SCUM-SUCKING 419 SCAMMER LIKE YOU JUMPING THROUGH ALL KINDS OF HOOPS_"STEPHEN HOGAN", EH? WHY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO OUR GOOD FRIEND "CEMENT"? HEH... WELL, MR. HOGAN, YOU RETARD, I'M SURE INTERPOL WILL HAVE LOTS OF LAUGHS READING OUR EMAILS AS I HAVE FORWARDED THEM TO THE AGENCY_GOOD THING I PREPARED YOU FOR GETTING REAMED AS I'M SURE YOU'LL BE SOMEONE'S BITCH AS SOON AS YOU'RE PUT IN JAIL_AND BY THE WAY, BRAINLESS, IT'S "BASTARD"_........_BUTTHEADED MUGU...

I. KURYAKIN, CEO



KURYAKIN'S REPLY MUST HAVE REALLY HIT A SORE SPOT WITH OLD CLEMENT/HOGAN; CHECK OUT HIS RESPONSE]

UZODINMA CLEMENT

APRIL 13:

YOUR MAMMA TOO/PUSSY DEY SMELL,HA,HA
ANYWAY ITS FUN,BUT YOUR MUMS PUSSY STINKS,AND GOD WILL PROVIDE MUGU YOUR OWN NO DEY WORRY ME..HA.HA..HA..HA



A[BUT KURYAKIN HAS THE LAST WORD, AND PUTS THIS THING TO BED]

ILYA KURYAKIN

APRIL 13:

HOGAN,

GOOD GOD YOU REALLY ARE A RETARD_IS ANY OF WHAT YOU WROTE BELOW SUPPOSED TO MEAN ANYTHING? OR WERE YOU TRYING TO TYPE WHILE YOU WERE BEING CORNHOLED UP THE TUTSI BY AN UNDERAGE SKANK WITH A STRAP ON_ PROBABLY THE LATTER_HEH_GO CRAWL BACK TO YOUR LICE INFESTED HOLE SO YOU CAN WANK OFF LITTLE BOY_THAT IS IF YOU CAN EVEN FIND ANYTHING IN YOUR PANTS RICE DICK

MUGU

I. KURYAKIN, CEO


AND THAT'S THE WHOLE SORDID TALE. ... MY BEST TO ALL AT SCAMORAMA; KEEP FIGHTIN' THE GOOD FIGHT!


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