Here it is -- my masterpiece. I call it "Thomas Mallory VS Albert Abossi: Trouble A Head."
It's all here, friends. An urgent plea for help. A living human head, the victim of a 'failed body transplant.' Loneliness. Friendship. Trust. Life. Betrayal. Death. Lawyers. Returns from the dead. More lawyers, Western Union, mothers who 'collarpse,' and so much more!
Briefly, here is the cast:
THOMAS MALLORY -- A living human head, kept alive by a life support machine housed deep in the lowest sub-basement of the Biology Building at Miskatonic University in scenic Arkham, Massachusetts. The object of our scammer's dim-witted attentions.
MR. MOTO -- Mr. Mallory's caretaker. A simple man, Mr. Moto has Thomas Mallory's full and complete trust -- but does Mr. Moto hide a dark secret that no one, not even Mr. Mallory, suspects?
MELANIE ROURKE -- Legal counsel to Miskatonic University, and later to Thomas Mallory. A sharp-tongued, thoroughly offensive person, Melanie pulls no punches and brooks no foolishness.
ALBERT ABOSSI -- Our 419 scammer du jour. Prone to frequent mis-spellings, and even more frequent lapses in basic mental processes. Will, at one point, utter the words "...like I told you last time before your death ..." and apparently not feel the least bit silly.
ALBERT ABOSSI'S DOOMED EXPLODING MAMMA -- In typical fashion, falls ill and/or dies from the shock of hearing bad news.
MANAGEMENT -- The never-named upper echelon of the world famous "National Securite Company." Please do NOT confuse "Securite" with a "Security" company, which is an entirely different organization, in that the "Security" company would probably spell their name correctly.
BARRISTER JAMES BAWA -- Never really gets much screen time, what with all the deaths, resurrections, and aforementioned exploding mammas. Would have been happy to provide Thomas with a variety of clumsily forged documents at reasonable prices.
So let us lower the lights, raise the curtain, and begin!
ALBERT ABOSSIFrom: firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: CALL ME FIRST
IP-Address: 184.108.40.206 <-- Togo Telecom, for the curious
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2003 05:52:18 -0500
Mr Albert Abossi.
You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you do not know me personally. For the purpose of introduction, I am Mr Albert Abossi , the son of Dr. Vintu Abossi, a wealthyfarmer/politician in Zimbabwe who was recently murdered in the land dispute in my country.
Before the death of my late father, he had taken me to Lome-Togo where he deposit the total sum of US$30.5 million (Thirty million,Five Hundred thousand United States dollars), in one of the private security companies, as he foresaw the looming danger in Zimbabwe. This money was deposited in a box as Family Treasure to avoid much demurrage from the security company. The land problem, in our country came when our President Mr. Robert Mugabe in a bid to win his re-election, introduced a new Land Act Reform wholly affecting the rich white farmers and some few black farmers who are members of the opposition party. This resulted in killings and mob action by Zimbabwean war veterans and some lunatics in the society. A lot of people have been killed because of this Land reform Act for which my father was unfortunately one of the victims.
It is against this background that, I and my family fled Harare our capital for fear of our lives and are currently staying in a country called lome Togo in west africa . We are planning to leave the country and seek political asylum in Europe and we have decided to move our family wealth to Europe. As the eldest son of my father, I am saddled with the responsibility of seeking a genuine partner that could assist us without the knowledge of my government who are bent on taking everything we have got from us since both countries have similar political history.
I am now seeking for a partner whom I have to entrust my future and that of my family in his/her hands. To this end, we need your assistance to stand as the Beneficiary of the Consignment. This is because we are under restricted movement and watch and hence we want to be very careful in order not to lose this fund which we have worked so hard for. I have a sufficient CONTACT person at the Security Company in Lome-Togo who can help us move this consignment with you as the Beneficiary.
Thus, if you are willing to assist us to move this fund out of Lome-Togo, you can contact me through my confidential Email:email@example.com and Telephone number as stated above with yours telephone and fax number and personal information to enable us discuss further details. I must let you know that this transaction is risk free as far as we keep it as confidential .
Thank you, many blessings to you.
THOMAS MALLORYDate: Wed, 12 Mar 2003 06:07:32 -0800 (PST)
Dear Mr. Albert Abossi,
You don't say! My, what a tragedy. And here I thought my own predicament was a sore trial indeed -- for you see, sir, I was the recipient of a failed body transplant, and I now exist as a disembodied head, wholly dependant on an aging life-support system housed in the Biology Building at Miskatonic University in Arkham.
As recompense for this failed operation, I receive a generous monthly stipend from the University, and free access to the department's internet and Web services. Were it not for this computer and screen, I would have no contact with the outside world, save for the cleaning staff, the technicians, and Mr. Moto, my caretaker.
If I can help you, I certainly will. Bear in mind I have no telephone, no fax machine, no way to travel -- but I can send emails, if that is of any assistance. And I do have a large source of funds, and poor Mr. Moto's loyal, if slow-witted, service.
I shall look forward to corresponding with you, Mr. Abossi. The laboratory is so quiet and lonely, these days. Oh what I wouldn't do to have knees again. Or a torso, for that matter.
Still, one presses on. Literally, in my case, generally with my nose.
Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III
ALBERT ABOSSI (firstname.lastname@example.org)Date: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 00:49:23 -0800 (PST)
Subject: urgent/very confidential
Thanks for your mail and your willingness to help me in this transaction.Firstly I will like to reassure you that this transaction is 100% risk free.
I have taken note of your mail and I understand your condition I wish you the best recovering and I belive that God almighty will see us through with this transaction soonest so that I will be with you in states because I belive he is the one who made it possible for us to know each other.
This transaction also will not last longer than neccesarry with your full co-oparation and assistance and I will advice you to keep this transaction very confidential to your self pending my arrival to meet with you.
Lastly I will like you to write to the security company where this consignment is right now and tell them that you cannot be able to come down here because of your poor health so that if possible they will appoint an attorney to represent you here. This is there contacts below:
NATIONAL TRUST SECURITY COMPANY
AS you contact them today through mail whatsoever you discuss with them get back to immediately so that we move ahead.
Mr Albert Abossi
THOMAS MALLORYDate: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 07:04:51 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: urgent/very confidential
Dear Mr. Abossi,
As always, it is wonderful to hear from you! So many people are afraid to enter into a correspondence with a person in my condition. As Mr. Moto always says, "It ain't right, talkin' to a head what got no body. Scares people. Makes 'em feel un-comforted. Especially when that spare lung pump starts making that moanin' sound." I don't mind Mr. Moto's earthy tone. He is my only friend.
But down to business. I shall contact the security persons at the address you provided this afternoon (the technicians are replacing my oxygen irrigators this morning, and I will be offline for at least four hours). I'm sure we can work out an arrangement that won't require me to travel.
I look forward to seeing you in Arkham soon. I recall that the morning fogs are lovely this time of the year. You will of course bring rain gear, and the other accoutrements one will need while staying in this area -- garlic and silver, I'm afraid. Mr. Moto tells me lights have been seen in the moors, late at night, and sheep have begun to disappear; I expect we'll be losing schoolmarms and Fuller Brush salesmen before the next full moon.
The technicians are arriving; I hear them dragging and thumping crates across the floor upstairs. I shall be writing back soon.
Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III
Miskatonic University, Lovecraft Hall
Arkham, MA USA
THOMAS MALLORYDate: Thu, 13 Mar 2003 12:08:06 -0800 (PST)
Dear Albert Abossi,
I managed to send the email to the Security Company before the technicians shut down my anticoagulant filters. I'll copy what I sent them below so you can see it and know what I said in case they ask you. I hope what I said was correct I don't have much experience with this sort of enterprise.
Looks like I'll be asleep for more than four hours. They found a fault indicator in the secondary respirator shunt, which means they'll need to tear down the whole respirator assembly just to replace a single faulty ventrivalve.
Any time they shut down my respirator, there is a risk. A prolonged interruption of blood flow will, of course, be fatal. But, I take heart that not once in the sixteen times the technicians have performed this repair has my circulatory flow been interrupted for more than two minutes.
Still, if I'm a bit groggy tomorrow please bear with me. Sometimes my language skills suffer for a day or two after a ventrivalve tear-down, and I can even be a bit moody if the sedatives haven't worn off yet.
But we shall speak tomorrow! Until then, take care.
T.E.M Mallory III
THOMAS MALLORYTO 'NATIONAL SECURITES' COMPANY
I am Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III, a citizen of the United States of America. I am writing in regards to the Consignment placed with your company by the late Dr. Vintu Abossi, who was recently murdered by killers in an act of murderous violence and bloody homicidal slaughter.
Dr. Abossi, before his bloody and violent death, asked me to act as Beneficiary of Consignment to this consignment. In order to see that the Consignment is placed in the rightful hands of Dr. Vintu's family, I ask that we immediately begin proceedings to transfer the Consignment to me.
Unfortunately, I will be unable to travel to your location in order to claim the Consignment. I am confined to a life-support facility on the grounds of Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts. The nature of my life support equipment makes any travel of any sort our of the question. Sadly, the nature of my infirmity (I was the recipient of a failed body transplant, and was left with no arms, legs, abdomen, torso, phalanges, vertebra, femurs, tibias, or knees) makes telephone use extremely difficult, and confidential telephone use impossible.
Would it possible for an attorney to act on my behalf? Someone with arms?
I await your response, sirs.
Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III
ALBERT ABOSSIDate: Fri, 14 Mar 2003 02:41:08 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Consignment
Dear Thomas Mallory,
I am in receipt of your your mails of yesterday.
I am also very happy with the progress so far as you have contacted the security company,I would have love to see what you wrote to them but all things been equal I belive you know the right thing to say.
Have they Acknoledge your mail?
I am very concern about your health.
I will be praying the Almighty to grant you speed recovering and spritual strenth so that both us will do geat things together by his grace.
Dear Thomas extend my regards to Mr moto I hope he is taking good care of you,till I meet him for some reward after this transaction.as soon as you hear from the security company get back to me with the details.
I awaits to hear from you today.
Mr Albert Abossi.
THOMAS MALLORYDate: Fri, 14 Mar 2003 11:30:36 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Consignment
I am very tired. Was without oxygen for three minutes while the technicians replaced the ventrivalve. There was a problem with the oscillating anhydrous pump lines that required extra work.
And, just minutes after bring the respirator assembly back on-line, the fault indicators gave another alarm. Not only has the ventrivalve just replaced failed, but the one beside it is failing as well.
So I will be sedated again this afternoon, and the techs will try to replace both ventrivalves at once, something they've never done.
Even Mr. Moto is worried. He denies it, but I can tell. He can hardly even look me in the eyes today, and when he combed my hair his hands were shaking.
All we can do is hope. Hope and pray. My life support equipment -- some of it is so old. The University promised to replace it years ago, but they haven't. Sometimes I think they hope it will fail, and I will die, and they'll be rid of me at last. Mr. Moto says I shouldn't think such things. But it's hard to be cheerful, sitting here all day, staring at the same wall, the same old dusty wall-clock. Did I tell you my plant, Mr. Peebles, a philodendron, died last June? It did. Shriveled and died. Just like I'm about to do.
But I'm rattling on. Forgive me. Do you know that you and Mr. Moto are the only people I've spoken to in months? Even the techs won't speak, except to each other. The cleaning staff is no better -- they scurry in and empty the trash and scurry out. I could talk until I was blue in the face but they just turn and run.
It's not my fault I have no body! They promised the operation would work. Mr. Moto says they meant it, and that one day they'll try again. But I stopped believing that a long time ago.
I received a document from the Security Company. There was no text in the message, but since they sent a document I guess everything is okay. I couldn't quite read the document, but Mr. Moto will be back tomorrow and I'll ask him to move my monitor closer so I can see it better.
If I have a tomorrow. Two ventrivalves at once. I am afraid, my friend.
Do not expect to hear from me again tomorrow, or perhaps even the next day. The sedatives are powerful, and often I cannot see or hear, much less type with my nose, after I awaken. If you have not heard by Monday -- well, farewell.
You have been a good friend, Albert. You spoke to me -- listened to me -- when no one else would. Good friends are hard to find.
NATIONAL SECURITES (sic)First, they sent poor bodiless Thomas a scanned document of such poor quality none of the text could be read. The email message itself contained no text. This email arrived shortly after Thomas told Albert about the blank message. Note the first mention of 'outstanding balance.' The game is afoot, but Mallory is clearly ahead (couldn't resist that one).
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 01:10:05 -0800 (PST)
Subject: THE LAWYER IS JAMES BAWA
Thanks for your mail.The family of Abossi has chosen a very good Attorney here to represent you as family friend as regards the consignment. The name of the Lawyer is Barrister James Bawa OF Global chambers here in Lome Togo his know in this country. Mr Albert Abossi come to our office yestaday but theres an outstanding balance to pay to our company before the consignment will be relaesed. Thanks for your care.
ALBERT ABOSSIDate: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 02:11:17 -0800 (PST)
Subject: BROTHER THOMAS DONT LEAVE ME HALF WAY.
DEAR Thomas Mallory ,
Your mail was well noted.
I want to assure you one thing my dear friend Thomas,even as I come back this morning from friday all night prayer God has not changed what he told me about you. Dear Thomas please I want you to take away this statement of farewell because I am a true belive if jesus christ who has die while we are still sinners,I went into serious prayers before I contacted you to help me recover my fathers wealth. your present condition presently should not way you down,and I advice you stop fearing because I know that you are not going to die.I am very happy to hear from you that the security company has written to you.
I belive also that they might have provide you with some attorney for you to chose your favourite.Please kindly go through this massage and get back to them so that the lawyer will start immediately (because I really need to meet you soonest and sit by your side for some days with Mr moto.
Dear Thomas what about your wife and children?please calm down your mind we are praying seriously for your health now that you are about to help us in my family and I want to remind you that I sincerely love you.
I wish to meet you soon
THOMAS MALLORYDate: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 08:17:18 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: BROTHER THOMAS DONT LEAVE ME HALF WAY.
I am alive. The ventrivalves were replaced. Four minutes with oxygen. I still cannot hear in my right ear. I fear the deafness in that ear is permanent. I am so very tired. Mr. Moto says I did well, that all the parts are working now. I think he is not telling the truth. I think the ventrivalve replacement went badly. I think the technicians spotted more failing components.
I think I am dying.
I do not care. It is time. Past time. But with what time I have left, let me help you and your family.
I do not want a share of your money. Keep it. Make your family happy. I will help you get the money. I will do whatever it takes. But I want you, my brother, to have all of the money.
What use have I for money? I have now wife. No children. No one at all. But in you, Albert, I have found a friend at last. And I will help you before I die.
I have even tricked Mr. Moto. I told him I can not read the numbers on my clock. I can read them. But I want a new clock. I will tell you why tomorrow, if my plan works.
But tell me now, my friend, what must I do to help you?
We must hurry.
I am tired and must rest. I will check email after nap. Hope to see from you instructions.
Thank you for making the letters in your last email bigger. That is the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long long time.
Good-bye for now friend Albert.
THOMAS MALLORYThomas has been without oxygen. He sends a disjointed message to the 'securite' company, hoping to rattle Albert's cage a bit by seeming to slip more and more.
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 11:28:09 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: chose a lawyer to sign the documents.
Your previous email arrived with no text. There was an attachment but I could not read the print. Please send names of lawyers again and I wiil reply..
ALBERT ABOSSIAlbert's getting nervous! He decides to skip past the usual Security Company roundabout and go straight for the Western Union payment. An in-law will be picking up the Western Union cash, and a lawyer friend of Albert's mother will handle the legal mobo-jumbo. He is, of course, a friend from church. See below....
Date: Mon, 17 Mar 2003 12:26:01 -0800 (PST)
Subject: THE NEW ATTORNEY CONTACT.
Dear brother Thomas Mallory ,
Its me again albert your loved one .
Instead of the security companies attorney my mother has contacted one of her church member who is a well respected attorney here also and he has promise to help us,because if we use the security companies attorney they will charge too much money for us.
He name is Barrister James Bawa
of Global Chambers
5 RUE DU TEGASI.
I will like you to write to him,besides i will be looking forward to some finacial assistance from you so that i will roundup this transaction. you can send the money through western union money transfer .so that i will pay the security company and take care of other domestic problems.
Dont write the security company,because they will be expecting much from you. Why because of your health i dont want anything that will disturb your peace till i meet with you.
Honestly speaking i have read this last mail more than 5 times today because right now nothing gives me more joy than communicate with you,how i wish i could just fly down straight to see my beloved one but God almighty knows that my spirit is always with you there.
My mother also is very disturbed about your condition you know she is aged so i didnt tell her everything about your health i just tell her your in hospital.
Lastly my good brother Thomas,you can send Mr moto when sending the money. use the name of my in law who is living with us so that he will go to the bank and collect the money.his name is: chris Igwe.
send the control number to me here in this email box.As soon as i settle with the security company i will come over to meet you and have some time with you.
Thomas i will always love you.
till i hear from you.
THOMAS MALLORYManages to send a relatively coherent letter to the good Barrister:
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2003 08:07:53 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Urgent Matter for Abossi Family
Dear Barrister James Bawa,
I am writing to you on behalf of Mr. Albert Abossi. I am to act as Consignee for a consignment Mr. Abossi's late father left with the National Security Company. Please forward to me any documentsyou require to expedite this process.
Perhaps Mr. Abossi explained that, due to my medical condition, I am unable to converse by telephone or use a fax machine. Email is my only means of communication. I hope this does not present a problem.
I look forward to hearing from you, sir. The Abossi family is very dear to me, and I hope together we can assist them quickly in this most important matter.
Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III
Arkham, MA, USA
THOMAS MALLORYIn which Thomas reveals a dastardly plot by the University to do him in! Murder by ventrivalve negligence!
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 2003 08:31:32 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Thank you my brother
I have much to say today. I have asked the techs to reduce my pain medicine so that I may think clearly and act with vigor.
I sent a message to the lawyer you suggested a short time ago. I will await his response, and take whatever action is required.
I have sent Mr. Moto to the courthouse, where he will fetch a notary public. He will bring the notary here, where the notary will witness my transfer of Power of Attorney to Mr. Moto. This is a brief process. Once this is done, and the documents are in order, I will send Mr. Moto to my bank, where he will withdraw from my funds any amount of cash you require.
He will then send this cash via Western Union to any location you you specify. I am not familiar with Western Union transfers, and neither was Mr. Moto when I asked him. Mr. Moto will be checking with Western Union to verify their procedures.
Please, my brother, once more, send to me the location and name of the person who will be picking up the money, if it is not you. Also, tell me how much you need. Do not skimp, my brother. I stand ready to help you and yours.
And now, for my sad news. You may remember that yesterday I mentioned a plan to trick poor Mr. Moto, by asking him for a new wall clock even though I can still plainly read the old one one.
Well, gentle Mr. Moto did as I asked. I have a brand new clock. And this new clock has a pretty glass cover. And in this glass cover, I can see reflections. And in these reflections, I can see the main panel of my life support system.
My brother, for my first year here, they had me turned so that I could see the panel. I know each dial and light and label as well as you must know the backs of your hands. I know that all the lights should be green, except for the two power indicators under the "Motor Generator" labels. I know that all the dials should remain, needles upright, at the zero position.
But last night, brother Albert, last night, when the cleaning crew turned out the room lights, I saw the panel reflected in the glass of my new clock. I saw that twenty-seven of sixty-two fault indicators are red, not green. I saw that forty-one of the fifty-nine dials are all the way to the right or the left, not pointing upright at zero as they should be.
The oxygen irrigators are only functioning at 29%. My intercranial blood flow is less than half what it should be. Eight ventrivalves show significant blood clotting either at the arterial mains or well into the central distribution cluster.
Most ominous of all, brother Albert, was the hand-written note taped to the Mains sub-panel.
It read simply "DNR."
The techs never speak to me. Perhaps they have forgotten, though, that I do listen to them.
"DNR" is short for Do Not Report.
In other words, if a major component fails, it will not be noted or reported until the regular weekly maintenance sweep.
Well after, in most cases, I am dead.
Mr. Moto, simple soul that he is, understands none of this. I will not speak of it to him. He would go straight to the Dean, unable to understand that the Dean himself gave the orders which will, very soon, bring about my death.
So hurry, my brother. I will remain awake and alert as long as I am able. I will, if at all possible, complete my assignment of Mr. Moto as authorized to handle my funds today. I will send him to WWestern Union as soon as possible so that
I tire. I can not see clearly noww. await myour responses pray my brother i will be strong
this is all my life now
ALBERT ABOSSIDate: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 00:43:20 -0800 (PST)
Subject: DEAR BROTHER I AWAITS TO RECEIVE IT.
Dear beloved brother,
I received your mail,I am just come back this morning from all night prayers. I am happy your are now better.I went to the security company yesterday with our beloved Mother,and we have a useful discussion with the director the problem we have now is the money to pay the company as aggreed and move the consignment outfrom there. Brother Thomas,since yesterday our aged mother refused to eat because of this problem about the money to pay the lawyer and security company although I have told her about your promise to send the money need. She is also worried about your health mostly.I kept telling her that theres improvements.
Brother Thomas,use this name to send the money:
MR CHRIS IGWE
Brother all the money both the lawyer and the security company is $9850 usd.NINE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDERED AND FIFTY DOLLARS. I promised all that the money will come today,I am beliving God almighty that he will give you the ability to help your beloved family here.I will be waiting for the CONTROL NUMBER OF THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
I will keep you up dated as soon as i receive the money from you.
Be strong in the Lord.
THOMAS MALLORYDate: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 06:58:26 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Western Union transfers
i had a bad night most of thhe fault inddicators are red now i am so weak i can hardly keepp my eyes open. Oxygen distribution is failing i do not have long my brother i fear we will never meet eye to eye.
musst rest later for we have business to do now. i have just sent mr moto to the bank. the nnotary came yesterday and i gave mr moto power of attorney. By the time we were done the banks were all clossed. Mr moto will get the money this morning and send it to you as
MR CHRIS IGWE
i am sending 4 transfers of 4500 each. this means you will have $18,000 after the last transfer is received. mr moto said we could not ssend it all at once. he did not understand why but he was clear on this point.
i know you did not ask for 18,000. i want you to pay the security company and the lawyers and keep whatever is left to help you and yourr mother until the con signment can be claime d. tell your dear mother to eat well and not worry. tell her thomas mallory thinks of her as his own, and will not fail her in he r time of need.
If $18000 is not enough tell me soonest. I still have money left. I try to keep a bit for new parts but what use has a dead man for money.
i told mr moto to return quickly with the control numbers you spoke of. he understands our need for haste. i will email on his return. he does not drive, but will be walking and taking busses. Still I expect him back before many hours have passed.
Forgive my clumsy typing this day, my brother. I lack the strength to go back and make any corrections. My vision is blurred, and I woke to find myself nearly deaf. I feel the end is near, now. I am saddened that my last words are mis-spelt and rambling, that they were delivered to a true friend I shall never meet, that my only legacy will be a failed medical experiment, a brief spate of morbid notoriety, and a final fitful sleep which shall surely end in death.
Still, if I have helped my friend Albert Abossi save his family, I have not lived, not died, in vain.
I tire. The room looks so dark, though I know the lights are on. I will await Mr. Moto's return, friend Albert, and I swear by all that I hold dear I will survive long enough to send you these control numbers that will allow you to reclaim your family fortune.
Pray for me, my friend and brother. My light is failing. my candle will soon flicker and fail, and the long quiet dark will swallow me whole at last.
but with my death, your life shall begin again. i take comfort in this my brother i shall speak to you soon
NATIONAL SECURITIESIf the mark is dying and addled, why not have the lawyer ask for even more money? <
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 01:13:42 -0800 (PST)
FROM: GLOBAL CHAMBERS & ASSOCIATES
14 RUE DU SAB
The information contained in this communication is confidential, and it is intended for the use of the addressee, any unauthorized copying or disclosure is strictly prohibited.
MR. JAMES BAWA (PRINCIPAL PARTNER)
MR. ISSA KOMBORRO LL.B. (S/ PARTNER)
MRS.CECILIA KAMBA (TREASURER)
MR.FERDINAND BENSON (ACCOUNTANT / TAX ATTORNEY)
MR. MOHAMED TRAORE (P.R.O)
Attn: Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III.
We welcome you to Global Chambers & Associates Law Firm.Please be informed and assured that Global Chambers & Associates is a reputable/God fearing law firm which has been rendering sincere services for many years to both local/foreign firms and individuals.
I hope that your case will be carefully handled by the grace of God,Our condition is very moderates and it goes this way,All legal services including consultation charges will cost you $8,500(eight thousand five hundred U.S Dollars only).We do accept 50% of the total sum which is $4,250,(four thousand two hundred and fifty U.S Dollars only).
Upon the successful completion of your job, we will receive the remaining balance,if our condition is acceptable by you,We humbly advise you to make this payment through western union money transfer,payable through your representatives here in lome togo.as soon as the payment is made we shall commence our duty.
Please be informed also that we will give you the best of our service in Jesus name. As we wait for your answer,we pray that you remain blessed in the Lord. May the Lord strenthing you.
Barrister James Bawa.
(On behalf of)
(Global Chambers & Associates)
ALBERT ABOSSIDate: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 09:40:04 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Western Union transfers
Dear Beloved Thomas.
I must tell you the truth of my life.Even our mother is very happy to see this mail.
I will be waiting for the control number.
Dearest brother please stop thinking so much.We are with you in sprite and our prayers for you will never ceased.
As soon as I receive this money I will be giving you all the informations.
THOMAS MALLORYDate: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 06:57:58 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Dear Brother are you well?
My Brother Albert,
Please, please -- are you there? I have waited for word. Are you well? I saw a story of trouble in Lagos on the web.
I have news. For the love of God respond. My time grows short. Nearly all my fault indicators are red. Oxygen levels have dropped to 22%.
Respond, brother Albert. Please tell me you are all right. So much has happened. I cannot bear another blow now.
ALBERT ABOSSIDate: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 11:24:37 -0800 (PST)
Subject: i am very fine brother
Dear brother Thomas,
I ma very fine.I have been waiting to receive the control number of the western union money transfer as you promise,what happen dear brother?
what happen in lagos i have not been to lagos before.what happen to you please tell me because i am very confused now.
Brother try and help us as you promised,we have been waiting for the money try and help us.
Silence. Let the Lads stew for a few hours! It works. . . .
ALBERT ABOSSIDate: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 11:32:29 -0800 (PST)
Subject: BROTHER THOMAS DONT DISAPPOINT US PLEASE
Dear brother thomas,
Please brother help us out,our mother has been expecting to hear good news from you as i told her about your promise to us.brother you said so much has happen please thomas tell me what happen to you,i am not at peace now because of your statement.what of Mr motto did he disappoint you.
please help i have told the lawyer and the security company that we are coming to pay them today please.what did you mean by another blow?
yours own brother Albert Abossi.
THOMAS MALLORYTime to break the bad news. . .
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 12:09:03 -0800 (PST)
Subject: oh mercifu l go d
It is with a heavy heart I write to you now. All day yesterday, I wondered how to tell you the things I must. There is no easy way. Not for you. Not for me.
Even so, let me begin. I may tire, dear brother, in which case I will hit send and try to finish this later. Better you know some, than to wonder at it all. I have never done a harder thing than that which I do now.
Mr. Moto left yesterday, with instructions to retrieve $18,000 from my accounts, and send it in four $4,500 transfers to you via Western Union. He left just before nine AM; even walking, he should have returned in two hours, three at the most.
He did not. Oh, my brother, forgive me for what I must tell you next. My heart -- my soul -- is broken at this news. All is lost. I have no hope. I have no help.
Mr. Moto did not return. I waited. The hours marched past. Still, he did not return. What could I do? I cannot use a telephone. No one came to help. The cleaning staff weren't due in until 7:00 PM. The techs were nowhere to be found.
And so I waited. I started to email you a dozen times, dear Albert, knowing in my heart that something awful had happened, yet unable to give the words form. And perhaps a part of me still had hope. Perhaps Mr. Moto had been delayed. Perhaps the bank had to send elsewhere for the cash. Oh, the whirlwind of of half-hopes and far-fetched reasons that settled down upon me!
Surely Mr. Moto is only delayed. Surely he is even now, smiling that small smile of his, shuffling toward my very door this instant!
Those were my thoughts. Perhaps then a tiny part of my spirit had not yet died. It would soon perish, though. You see, by five PM I was frantic. I must have help, I thought -- and so I emailed the Miskatonic University police department and told them I needed to speak to an officer at once.
Another two hours passed. Finally, I heard doors opening, and after a few moments a detective and one of the cleaning staff entered my room.
I shall not injure you with the details, brother Albert. But, with the help of Detective Usher, I have learned that Mr. Moto took not only the $18,000 I instructed him to take, but he withdrew -- in cash -- everything in all my accounts.
He was not questioned when he did so. I had assigned him my Power of Attorney, and the bank knew this, and they conceded to his requests without suspicion or question.
Mr. Moto took the money, and is gone. The detective went to Mr. Moto's apartment and found it empty of clothes. The door wasn't even locked.
Detective Usher also found a note from Mr. Moto, who knew that his home would be searched. While Mr. Moto's letter is not addressed to me, it was obviously meant for me. It says:
"I took care of you all this time and now you give your money to a stranger? I am sorry, Mr. Thomas, but I deserve more than that, and God forgive me I will take it."
That is all. Detective Usher also tells me that Mr. Moto had amassed a small fortune in gambling debts, and that he has almost certainly fled Arkham and even Masschusetts under an assumed name.
Furthermore, the police have no plans to pursue Mr. Moto. They tell me that by granting him Power of Attorney, his act of withdrawing my funds became a civil matter, not a criminal one.
Oh, brother, tell me -- what can I do? I cannot pursue Mr. Moto without a lawyer. I cannot hire a lawyer without money. And now I have nothing.
Five more fault indicators went red last night, my brother. The oxygen levels in my blood are dropping with each passing day. The technicians have not been here at all today, even though I am sure half my ventrivalves are clotted and useless.
They are going to let me die. I sent an email to the police and it bounced back. They have done something to my computer. I do not know if this will even reach you though i pray to God it will.
I am so sorry, brother albert. Sorry I have failed you. Sorry my friend has betrayed us both. my eyes are full of tears ik cann not see i am deaf oh god why has this befallen me? why must albert suffer too?
brother, i beg of you, dont let me die all alone please brother forgive me. all i wanted was a friend. all i wanted was to end my days knowing you and your mother were safe. i do not have a f amily brother but i thought perhap s i could find love in yuors
no it willl not be i have no h ope oh god what hav e i done
oh brother, pray for mee it is so dar k
ALBERT ABOSSIDate: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 15:36:53 -0800 (PST)
Subject: MAMA IN HOSPITAL
I have come from back from the hospital where i rushed my mother because the lawyer come after I wrote you and get back to house and was shouting that i made him to take risk and travel to accra-ghana to meet the security company officials and promise them that i am coming with the money but after waiting all day that i didnt show up.so and when my mother heard it she collarp and was rushed to hospital.
My brother Thomas what i do now? how about your health honestly speaking is like i will commit suicide.
Every hope is lost if my heard of this mail she will die.
What did i do for God sake.
Dear brother I miss you i dont know if i will live after this night you can see the time i wrote you now is 11.30pm night.
May God bless you.
THOMAS MALLORYDate: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 14:11:46 -0800 (PST)
Subject: forgive me
Overtemp alarm on circulatory filters
no techs coming
brother tell me you forgiv e me
EDITORS NOTE: A few days pass. Albert, too busy dealing with his mother, who 'collarpsed' earlier, demonstrates his compassion by failing to check on poor Thomas. In a fit of generosity, Miskatonic University (via lawyer Melanie Rourke) sends out the obituary below:
MELANIE ROURKETo the Friends of Thomas Mallory:
It is with great sadness that Miskatonic University must announce the passing of Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III. Mr. Mallory died peacefully in his sleep last night, after the sudden and tragic failure of a critical portion of his life support facility.
We know that Mr. Mallory, due to his unique physical condition, corresponded with numerous friends across the Internet. Our IT department is issuing this obituary through each of the late Mr. Mallory's email accounts. Please be assured that all email in all his accounts will be deleted unread; we have no wish to intrude upon Mr. Mallory's privacy, but we did want to alert his many friends of Mr. Mallory's untimely passing.
Mr. Mallory requested that no memorial service be held. He donated his remains to science, in the hope that further study of the failed body transplant might lead the way to determining the cause of the failure, and ultimately to a solution.
Though we know you are saddened by Mr. Mallory's passing, we hope that each of you will take a moment to reflect on his courage in the face of adversity, his compassion for those in need, and his unfailing good spirits despite the severity of his limitations and environment. I know that he would have his friends dwell on the good, and not the sad; such was the noble and selfless nature of Thomas Mallory's indomitable spirit.
To each of you, we at Miskatonic University extend our regrets. We shall all miss Mister Thomas, as he was called. Let us mourn, let us reflect -- but let not one of us forget.
The faculty and staff of Miskatonic University
PS -- Persons wishing to correspond about Mr. Mallory or his estate should not reply to this email. We have set up a temporary account for this purpose. Note that this temporary account shall only be valid fro 30 days from this date. Legal or financial claims should include the phrase MALLORY ESTATE in the subject header.
The temporary email address is: XXXXX
ALBERT ABOSSIEver ask yourself if the Lads read for comprhension? Not this time, apparently. . .
Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 11:26:48 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory
Did you see your friend mr Moto before you sleep or where do you intend to meet him. your money you give to him,has he given it back to you before you sleep.
sleep well untill i receive your response
MELANIE ROURKEDate: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 08:12:36 -0800 (PST)
Subject: The Estate of Thomas Mallory
To Whom it May Concern:
The email below arrived at the e-mail box of the late Thomas Mallory. It was forwarded to me as a courtesy -- note that ALL FURTHER EMAILS SENT TO MR. MALLORY'S EMAIL ADDRESS WILL BE DELETED UNREAD.
Judging from the text of your email, it seems you are still unaware that Mr. Mallory is dead, despite our email to you informing you of Mr. Mallory's death. Read the preceeding sentence carefully. Mr. Mallory is dead. He is not asleep, and he is certainly not going to wake. As to your reference to Mr. Moto and 'the money' -- Mr. Moto is no longer in the employ of Miskatonic University.
As legal counsel for Miskatonic University, and thus Mr. Mallory, I hereby inform you that I shall act as the executor for Mr. Mallory's estate. If you have claims against his estate, respond with supporting documents and we will review your claims.
You have 27 days to file a claim, after which the estate of Mr. Mallory and Miskatonic University shall be held blameless and not liable to any and all intrastate, extrastate, pending, historical, neo-panhellinic, stochastic, widdershins, and/or post-mortem haploid echinodermatic claims, abuttments, liens, easements, and forthright (or withheld) double-secret Statements of Circular and/or Bilateral Enstablement.
You are so advised this 24th day of March 2003.
al/ the estate of Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III
ALBERT ABOSSIWill Albert bite at mention of 'financial claims to the Mallory estate?" You bet -- but he'll need to do much better than the email below to get past Ms Rourke. . .
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 10:15:29 -0800 (PST)
Subject: FROM ABOSSI FAMILY.
To: MALLORY ESTATE
Dear friend THomas,
What i have with you is not a claim,but you did not fufil your promise to family you claimed to love so much here in africa.
After so many correspondences and communications via mail you did play a good part as you made your beloved ones here to belive.
I know that God is an Evalasting beign who knows better than we think and I pray that wherever you may be you left an unfulfil promise behind and we here will always pray that you fufil your promise to you people here.
The family here trusted you so much that when made a promise we have to go and borrow some amount of money from family friends to renovate our familyhouse with hope that you are sending the money as you promised.
Whoever you hand over your eastate should not left us behind as we have a promisely note from Mr Thomas Mallory.
We will be very grateful for any assistance from any quaters.
Thomas we love you.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Now we're 'renovating the family house.' And didn't Albert read Melanies note about declining Statements of Circular and/or Bilateral Enstablement? That obviously renders Albert's 'promisely note'null and void. Take notes, Lads!
MELANIE ROURKEWhich part of "Mr. Thomas Mallory is DEAD" did you not understand?
I'll repeat the painfully obvious several times in deference to your obvious mental limitations.
Thomas Mallory is dead.
I am Ms Melanie Rourke, executor of the Mallory estate.
I am NOT Thomas Mallory, who is, as stated numerous times, dead.
Deceased. No longer among the living. Passed on. Absent in the body. Pushing up daisies. Taking a long dirt nap. Dead.
Do you understand? Do you read or speak English?
Now then. I have ignored and will ignore any message you address to Thomas Mallory. If you have a claim against the Mallory estate, or if you and the late (i.e., dead) Mr. Mallory have unfinished financial matters, you may discuss such with ME, Ms Melanie Rourke. If all you wish to do is send badly-worded messages to a dead man, I urge you to take a remedial English course and bother someone else. The University does not pay me to coddle imbeciles.
MELANIE ROURKEI waited a few days and then sent this, hoping dear old Albert would produce a signed IOU (known in some circles as a 'promisely note'). At this point, Melanie would lash out, asking the age-old question 'How does a MAN WITH NO HANDS SIGN AN IOU?' Alas, Albert chose the better part of valor, and remained silent. Here's the email, anyway.
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 2003 14:50:54 -0700 (PDT)
Effective tomorrow at noon, the estate of Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III is hereby CLOSED and SEALED against ANY AND ALL:
1) Claims, probate or feduciary,
2) Liens, real, investitured, or third-party,
3) Easements, including unspecified, surrogate, and/or verbal, implied, and assumed.
The Estate allows that the 30-day waiting period is MOOT and VOID, and that all Claimants have abandoned their Claims, Liens, and/or Easements as specified above, and that as of noon April 8 2003 the Estate is blameless and not liable to any Parties save the Executrix (Melanie Rourke) and Miskatonic University of Arkham, MA, USA.
All Parties are thus notified.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Well, the bell has tolled for poor bodiless Thomas Mallory, leaving an even poor-er Albert Abossi with a collarpsed mama and no mark to scam. But wait -- is this story really over? In Lad-land, you see, even the dead cannot rest without wading through a flood of scamalicious emails . . .
NATIONA SECURITES (sic)Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003 00:30:56 -0700 (PDT)
We have not heard from you all this while.please can you update us on your plan to clear this consignment from our company.
we await your response
FROM THOMAS MALLORY (DECEASED)Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003 07:01:12 -0700 (PDT)
I'm terribly sorry for the lapse in communications. My recent death put quite the damper on my correspondence, I'm afraid. I hope you understand that I meant no offense to you or your firm. My post-mortem affairs are slowing a bit, though, and I'm eager to resume this business. Tell me, what must I do to to get this business moving again?
As I stated before, I have no access to telephones or fax machines. I hope email will suffice.
I look forward to hearing from you, sir.
Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III (deceased)
FROM THOMAS MALLORY (DECEASED)AFTER NO RESPONSE TO THE ABOVE EMAIL
I am deeply insulted by your refusal to reply to my inquiry. I believe I am being discriminated against due to my status as a Ressurected Deceased Person (RDP). I warn you, sir, that under the Americans With Disabilities Act of 1974 and the subsequent 1999 revision (clause 919B, the so-called 'dead rider clause'), any business that enages in acts of discrimination with persons classified as RDP will face punitive civil charges within the United States and a 914 International Commerce Ban if the firm is based outside the United States.
I have reported your intolerable behavior to my attorneys, who will be filing an investigatory claim with the RDP Division of the HRC.
Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III
NATIONA SECURITES (sic)Date: Wed, 7 May 2003 00:52:33 -0700 (PDT)
WE ARE VERY SORRY FOR THE LATE RESPONSE.IS NOT THAT WE DID NOT WANT TO RESPONDE TO YOUR MAIL BUT IS BECAUSE YOUR PARTNER LOST HIS MOTHER AND HAS NOT BEEN AROUND ALL THIS WHILE. SO PLS WE ARE VERY SORRY FOR THE LATE RESPONSE.SIR THE BUSINESS IS STILL VERY MUCH INTACT SO I WILL ADVICE YOU CONTACT MR ALBERT ABOSSI.
HIS NEW EMIL IS,email@example.com
WE ARE VERY HAPPY TO HEAR THAT YOUR ARE STILL ALIVE BECAUSE THE INFORMATION WE HAD BEFORE SAID YOU ARE DEAD BUT GLORY TO GOD ALMIGHTY TO KEEP YOU ALIVE I KNOW IS FOR GOOD. SIR HOW IS YOUR HEALTH NOW.
FROM THOMAS MALLORY (STILL DEAD)Date: Wed, 7 May 2003 07:31:52 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: WE ARE HAPPY WITH YOU
To: firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com
I am happy to hear that this business may proceed.
My health is much improved since my resurrection. The University has upgraded my life support system, and aside from a pre-mortem memory loss, I am in excellent health.
Sadly, Mr. Moto has never been found, so my bank accounts are nearly empty. Thank heavens his Power of Attorney did not allow him access to two of my trust funds; without them, I would surely have been left destitute.
Please provide me a brief review of the current state of our business. As I said, I did suffer a loss of memory upon resurrection; specifically, I recall little of the events in the weeks leading up to my death. To compound this, the University deleted all my email, acting under the impression that my death was permanent (cerebral resurrection is a new branch of medical technology, so I do not blame the University for acting in this manner). I await your review, and wish you all well. Mr. Abossi, my condolences on the passing of your mother.
Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III
ALBERT ABOSSISubject: DEAR BROTHER THOMAS GOD IS GOOD.
Date: Thu, 08 May 2003 06:41:24 +0000
Dear Brother Thomas,
Many thanks for your mail response,I will always give thanks to God for your present condition of health which has inproved.
Dear brother Write to the security company that we are ready to claim the consignment so that they will tell us what to do as regards the payment of the demurrage.
yesterday as soon as i was told about your present condition i went straight to Barrister James Bawa to inform him that the business will start sooner.
As soon as you wrote to the security company and send the money to pay for the demurrage the lawyer will sign the documents and the consignment be realeased to us.
Dear brother,I looking forward to hearing from you today.
Remember you promise to send some money to us to take care of the family.
Mr Albert Abossi
NATIONAL SECURITES (sic)Aha! Demurrage fees wait for no man! Imagine that -- you die, you come back to life, you ose demurrage. Makes you want to crawl right back into the ground, doesn't it?
Date: Wed, 7 May 2003 23:58:09 -0700 (PDT)
From: "national securites"
Subject: DEMURRAGE FEES
Thanks for your mail response.the contents are well noted. Sir,we are looking forward to receive the demurrage charges fee and the consignment will be released to your family friends The Abossi family.
The total cost of all the charges now is ELEVEN THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS.$11.600 usd. As soon as we receive the money we will release the consignment immediately.
We are waiting to hear and receive the payment soonest.
FROM THOMAS MALLORY (STILL DEAD)Date: Thu, 8 May 2003 09:59:56 -0700 (PDT)
I have written the security company and asked them how I might transfer the fees to them. I shall be offline the rest of the day, but will check my email again in the morning. Much has changed since my death and cerebral resurrection. My new life support unit is a vast improvement over the original model that Dr. Lovecraft built. I can even move about the room for brief periods, conveyed on a motorized platform with umbilicals that supply me with blood and oxygen. Ms. Rourke informs me that work has begun on an even more elaborate motorized unit that may one day allow me to leave this room and venture out into the sunlight once more.
This has not come without a price, sadly. My death left me with little hearing, parital blindness in my left eye, and, as I mentioned, some memory loss. All in all, though, I have no complaints.
As all my email was deleted when I died, you shall have to fill me in on our last few conversations. What happened? I know Mr. Moto robbed me, and vanished -- but how have you managed to hang on, all this time?
I shall probably have to let my lawyer, Ms. Rourke, in on our plans soon. After the disaster with Mr. Moto, Ms. Rourke has been my caretaker -- in fact, that's probably why I was brought back to life. Melanie is a forceful woman; I still believe she told the University that if they didn't at least attempt to restore brain functions to me that she would reveal to the press the shoddy nature of my living conditions and the horrific state of my aging life support system.
But I'm sure she will see that your cause is a worthy one. And, after all, it is MY money. Still, if she emails you, please be as nice as possible. Ignore her stern ways; she truly is trying, in her own way, be look out for me.
But enough about me. How are you? How is the rest of your family? I am so sorry about Mrs. Abossi. As I said, I cannot recall much of my last days, but it seems I do recall that she was a lovely woman.
I look forward to hearing from you again, brother Albert. See, even death cannot keep true brothers apart!
Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III
ALBERT ABOSSISubject: GOD IS TAKING CARE.
Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 07:06:05 +0000
Dear big Brother Thomas,
I was very touch with your mail.like i told last time before your death the church here in lome togo has very helpful to my family because they all call her mother of the church.
The church even take care of the burial ceremony.dont forget that she told the church to keep praying for one of her son who is in the hospital refering to you.
The lady lawyer has writen to me few mails after your death,although i didnt tell her about our business but she is not beign friendly.
Lastly everybody is fine now in my family,you know financial things are not easy for now beause three of my juniors are still in the university and two in junior education so generally things as regards to money for thier school keep is not easy here.
I wish you God full strenght.
Mr Albert Abossi.
NATIONAL SECURITES (sic)We wants our demurrage, we do! Sends it to us now, Precious!
Date: Fri, 9 May 2003 00:15:40 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: PAY THROUGH OUR ACCOUNTANT
ATTN MR THOMAS,
YOUR MAIL WAS WELL RECEIVED.YOU CAN PAY THE DEMURRAGE FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER THROUGH OUR ACCOUNTANT.
MR CHRIS IGWE
SEND THE CONTROL NUMBER AND OTHER DETAILS AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE MONEY. WE WILL FORWARD TO YOU TWO DOCUMENTS THAT COVERS THE CONSIGNMENT.
WE AWAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU TODAY.
MELANIE ROURKEMelanie is back, and she's still not warming up to Albert and Company. She's a stern one, she is!
Date: Fri, 9 May 2003 07:50:26 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: The Western Union Transfer
To the Director of the National Securities Corporation:
(cc to Albert Abossi)
I am Ms Melanie Rourke, legal counsel to Mr. Thomas E. M. Mallory, a citizen of the United States. Mr. Mallory has instructed me to assist the Albert Abossi family in reclaiming a consignment held by the National Security Corporation. You will be dealing with me for the remainder of this transaction. Pursuant to Mr. Mallory's wishes, I have, this morning, sent the sum of $2500 USD via Western Union to:
MR CHRIS IGWE
You will note that I sent $2500, not the $11,600 fee requested by the National Security Corporation. Perhaps you are unaware that Western Union transfers in excess of $5000 raise certain legal issues I do not intend to deal with.
You (the National Security Corporation) will receive the remainder of the money when (and if) I am satisfied that you are legitimate. Here is how we will proceed:
1) You will send the two documents concerning this 'consignment' to me immediately, via email.
2) After I have received the documents, I will provide you with a phone number.
3) You will call me at this number, and I will then provide you with the 10 digit Western Union transfer number and the correct reply to the security question.
YOU WILL RECEIVE NOTHING WHATSOEVER UNTIL I RECEIVE THE DOCUMENTS CONCERNING THE CONSIGNMENT.
I will not release the 10 digit code or the security question reply to you until you call me AFTER I have received the documents.
Mr. Mallory, I am aware that I have not followed your instructions to transfer the money in full to Mr. Abossi's representatives. You would be well within your rights to issue a formal complaint to the Las Vegas Bar Association. But as your legal counsel, I am bound -- by law and conscience -- to take whatever means are necessary to protect you and your financial interests.
Mr. Abossi and the National Security Corporation: You have my instructions. Send me the documents -- as an email attachment -- and I will then provide you with my firm's private number. I will then give you the 10 digit code, so that you might claim the initial $2500 portion of your full requested fee.
If this portion of the transaction proceeds correctly, I will be only too happy to transfer the remaining funds.
I will state plainly that I have advised Mr. Mallory against dealing with any of you. I suspect that Albert Abossi is a false name, that there is no National Securities corporation, and that these 'funds' Mr. Mallory wishes to claim on behalf of your family do not in fact exist. Despite my misgivings, Mr. Mallory insists that I proceed. Thus, I will do so. Until, that is, you suggest a course of action that is clearly:
a) illegal, according to any US statutes, or any violation of the International Trade Act of 1979 (all clauses), or
b) an action designed to defraud Mr. Mallory, the government or any agency of the United States of America (including and especially the IRS), or
c) you deviate in any way from the plan I have outlined above.
I hope we understand each other.
I await your responses, sirs.
Melanie Rouke, esq.
Legal Counsel to Thomas E.M. Mallory III
ALBERT ABOSSISubject: I AM WAITINT FOR THE MONEY
Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 13:09:00 +0000
HOW IS YOUR HEALTH TO DAY.YOUR LAWYER REFUSE TO SEND THE MONEY AS YOU PROMISE ME.SHE SAID SHE HAS SEND THE SUM OF TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS BUT SHE WILL NOT GIVE ME THE DETAILS UNTILL I SEND THE DOCUMENTS TO HER.
MY GOOD FRIEND THINGS ARE NOT DONE THAT WAY.IF I RECEIVE THE MONEY I WILL GO THE SECURITY COMPANY AND PLEAD TO THEM AND THEY WILL LISTEN.
HOW CAN I GO THERE WITHOUT MONEY AND BE TELLING THEM TO GIVE ME THE DOCUMENTS. WELL I AM STILL WAITING FOR THE CONTROL NUMBER OF THE WESTERN UNION SHE SAID THAT SHE SEND TODAY TO ME.
EDITOR's NOTE: Really, how expensive are badly-done scans of fake documents these days? I was hoping they'd send Melanie something so she could point out, at length, the various spelling and grammar errors, and then give them a Secret Service phone number. We'll see....
ALBERT ABOSSITo: Mallory Estate
Subject: I AWAIT THE CONTROL NUMBER
Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 13:01:46 +0000
I am in receipt of your mail.I am looking forward to receive the control number of the western union of the $2.500 USD so that i will send the money to the security company and they will release the documents to you immediately.
I believe that this will be to the best intreset of this transaction as my good friend Mr Thomas has already told me and assured me of his assistance.They will not release the documents which has not been paid for.
As soon as i receive the western details i will make sure that the security company will comply with our demand.
AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE CONTROL NUMBER SEND TO ME TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT BOTH OF US WILL DISCUSS.
MELANIE ROURKEDate: Mon, 12 May 2003 07:32:55 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: THE CONTROL NUMBER
You are an idiot.
I will NOT release the control number. You were instructed to send the documents concerning the consignment. You were told that after you did so, you would be given a phone number to call, and that then, and only then, would you be given the 10 digit code. And now you reply with a load of foolishness about 'paying' for the documents.
I am copying Mr. Mallory on this email. Mr. Mallory, I told you on Friday that Mr. Abossi would not send the documents. I told you he would respond with some clumsy demand for the immediate release of the Western Union code. As you can see, that is exactly what he did.
Why did he fail to comply with my simple instructions? Because, Mr. Mallory, there is no 'consignment.' There never was. Your friend Albert Abossi (and that is not his real name) is the worst sort of petty criminal; he is a thief and a liar of the lowest possible caliber. The worst bum of the lowest gutter of the darkest alley in New York is far superior to the creature calling itself 'Albert Abossi.'
If there is a consignment, why not send two tiny documents which would prove it? Explain, Mr. Abossi, or whatever your ridiculous name is. And please, refrain from some poorly-constructed pidgin English along the lines of 'the documents must be paid for.' That, sir, is absurd. You are asking for money. Very well, prove that the object of this expenditure actually exists.
Even the rudest of goat-sellers (a sort of person I am sure with which you are intimately familiar) would do no less.
You see, Mr. Abossi, this was a test. I told Mr. Mallory we would wait. I told him what you would do. And I told him that by refusing to comply with my instructions that you would prove yourself a fraud.
So thank you, Mr. Abossi. Your stupidity has proven my point. Mr. Mallory, I urge you to cease all correspondence with this moronic, inbred piece of flotsam. No good can come of these conniving, vicious people; we decent people of the world can only hope that they starve to death before they spread their flawed criminal genes into the human gene pool. Mr. Abossi, go away. Your childish and dim-witted schemes will not suffice to bring you a single penny of Mr. Mallory's wealth. May I suggest instead that you buy a small monkey and an accordion? Perhaps the monkey can learn to play the instrument, and you can dance for the amusement of passers-by, who may toss a few coins at the monkey's feet out of pity for your grotesque, profound expression of blank and overwhelming stupidity.
Good day, sirs. Mr. Mallory, I shall call Western Union and cancel the wire transaction.
Ms Melanie Rourke, esq.
MELANIE ROURKEI hoped the subject line would get his attention....
Subject: I apologize; here are the Western Union numbers
Top of the morning, you scamming little invertebrate you!
I was right about you, wasn't I, Albert dear? Your very silence proclaims your guilt. Not that I was ever fooled; I knew from the moment Thomas first mentioned you that you were a malodorous glob of maggot-filled elephant dung.
You were *so* close to getting your paws on Mr. Mallory's fortune. Too bad, you chimpanzee.
Have a nice day.
What does it take to get a rise out of these guys? Thomas steps in to calm Melanie down . . .
FROM THOMAS MALLORY (STILL DEAD)Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 07:16:11 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Please stop insulting Albert!
To: "Melanie Rourke" ,firstname.lastname@example.org
I know you mean well -- but PLEASE stop insulting poor Albert! The man just lost his mother, and he's living in a refugee camp -- can't you show a little compassion? Even if you don't believe him, there's no need for language like this. Albert, I still believe in you. If you'll just email me something -- anything -- I promise I'll make Melanie send the Western Union numbers.
Please, let's all calm down and act like adults!
Albert, I'm so sorry.
MELANIE ROURKEDate: Tue, 13 May 2003 07:24:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Melanie Rourke"
Subject: Re: Please stop insulting Albert!
To: "Thomas Mallory", email@example.com
Stop insulting Albert?
Why should I do that? He's a liar and a thief. He's been engaged -- for weeks -- in a clumsy attempt to steal your money. I should apologize for what, exactly? Very well. I am terribly sorry I called you a chimpanzee, Mr. Abossi. After all, chimpanzees are intelligent, social creatures whose biggest fault lies in their failure thus far to invent pants. You, on the other hand, are the worst sort of dung-eating parasite. I should have referred to you a 'worm,' not a chimpanzee.
PS The Western Union control numbers are:
Hmm. That's only NINE digits. Sadly, I forget the 10th digit. Oh well!
Still no furious litany of threats, denials, and abuse from Albert! I'm crushed. I wait a few days, and then send the kiss-off email below:
FROM THOMAS MALLORY (STILL DEAD)Date: Wed, 14 May 2003 11:10:59 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Western Union Control Numbers For You
Dear Albert Abossi and Friends,
The Western Union control number for the $2500 transfer is:
And the test question and answer is:
Question: Who's the biggest mugu of them all?
Answer: Albert Abossi!
Are you clued in yet, Albert old pal?
Given the level of intelligence you've displayed thus far, I must assume you are not. In fact, I consider it highly probable that you only read as far as the control number, and that you are now scampering off to a Western Union office somewhere in Lagos mumbling "four nineteen oh four nineteen oh four nineteen" over and over to yourself so you won't forget the number as you run.
Such is my estimate of your intellect, and if anything I have erred on the side of optimism, I fear.
So let me lay everything out in the open for you, Albert. I'll use short, simple words.
Follow along carefully:
* There is no Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III.
* There is certainly no living but bodiless head named Thomas Equine Malthus Mallory III.
* There is no Mister Moto, no Las Vegas Branch of Miskatonic University, and no basement life-support facility designed for the use of recipients of 'failed body transplant' operations.
* Do you see a pattern here, Albert? Care to guess as to the existence of a certain sharp-tongued lady lawyer named 'Melanie Rourke?' I'll give you a hint: Like Thomas, Mr. Moto, and the rest of the gang, she's a fictional character too.
You've been played, Albert, or whatever your name is. I sent the original email out as a joke, thinking that no one on planet Earth would be dumb enough to fall for such an obvious gag.
But then came you. And oh, the fun we had! Closer than brothers we became. I was so touched by your obvious concern for poor Thomas' health. I was delighted by your thinly veiled greed. I was appalled at the thought that any creature, no matter how downtrodden or destitute, would be willing to take advantage of a living human head.
But you were not only willing, but eager! Poor momma is sick, quoth you. Send some money quick!
Oh, how I laughed, as the dastardly Mr. Moto made off with Mr. Mallory's money. Your frantic emails inquiring as to the status of the transfer were most entertaining. And the way you handled Thomas Mallory's death? A priceless masterstroke of callous greed encased in the worst sort of pidgin English.
I was deeply saddened when poor Thomas died. But even death can't stop the likes of Albert Abossi! No, no -- Mr. Mallory's poor torso-less scalp was barely cooled, and you were testing the tempestuous waters of Melanie Rourke with vague allusions to IOUs and cryptic tales of promised assistance with, of all things, home improvement loans.
I must apologize for Miss Rourke's rudeness. I had hoped you would rise to the challenge, and spew forth volumes of ALL CAPS insults and mis-used curse words. But you merely slunk away, content, I suppose, to try your hand at another profession (tell me, how did the human septic tank gig work out?). I thought you gone, but a tiny voice of suspicion told me you'd be back.
And right I was! There you were, ready to believe that Thomas Mallory was back from the dead, courtesy of the miracle of cerebral resurrection!
Yes, even the bony hand of the Grim Reaper himself can't keep the likes of Albert Abossi from a bodiless head's remaining bank accounts.
But once again, you found Melanie Rourke's stern tone too daunting to dare. I thought you Nigerian guys were all on some weird cultural macho kick that would make you bristle up at harsh words from a woman. I guess, like everything else about you, that your machismo is fake, too.
And so our journey ends. It's been fun. And not just fun for me, but fun for all my loyal readers -- yes, Albert A-baby, we've not had our dance without an audience.
Soon, our audience will be even wider! All our letters will be posted (I won't spoil the surprise and say where) on a public forum for all the world to see. Think of it; thousands of people will read it all and smile and think to themselves:
"Albert Abossi, or whatever his name is. What an idiot."
And you know what, Albert? They'll all be quite right!
Farewell, Al baby. But who knows? As long as you lot keep filling the net with clumsy scam-spam, we might just meet again...