SAVING THE PLANET

updated april 16 2006

The exploits of the Royal Family, aided by the crack team at the Foreign Office, have been thoroughly documented on this web site. Here they take on "Brant Woodrow", a young family man whose mission is to save the Niger Delta from environmental and economic disaster.

Various members of the farflung Foreign Office team appear in various guises. Rumors still circulate that the plots of the old American television show "Mission Impossible" were based on their exploits. We couldn't possibly comment.

Brant Woodrow - scammer du jour
finally joined by middle management:
Chukwuemeka-Chibuzo Igwebuike - brought in to motivate the incompetent

HRH Princess Margaret - no, not her, another one
- Macbeth - Thane of Cawdor, of course
- Lonslo Tossov - Charitable Officer, Court of St. James
- Michael Montague Barrymore - legal counsel to Her Royal Highness
- Maxwell Bygraves - compliance officer, Commissioner of Oaths
Colonel James Thomas Brudenell - 7th Earl of Cardigan. A gentleman of amazing longevity.
- Sgt. Major Rorke O'Drift - assisting Colonel Brudenell
Charles Farnes-Barnes - CEO, Kreplach Brothers Merchant Bank
- Susan Putz - his Private Secretary
- Tushie Meshuganah - his other Private Secretary
Dr Joseph Kucker -Deputy Chief Executive, Chavster, Manfred and Newman Inc
- Melodie Fenwick - his Personal Assistant
FO special staff:
- Sir Marmite Luny-Binns, DFC - travel liaison officer (and Lady Agatha's consort)
- Mikhail Stroganov - ex-KGB, now serving with the Foreign Office (a fellow's got to eat)
- Ilichy Miracsky - travel agent


Brant Woodrow

From: Brant Woodrow <brantwoodrow@virgilio.it>
Reply-To: brantwoodrow@hotmail.com
Subject: Brant Woodrow's Email.
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006
X-Originating-IP: 62.56.146.149 <--- Gilat Satellite [providing internet connections to fine West African ISPs everywhere]

Hello
I pray you receive the email
I really want to make new
friends in Nigeria.
I am a staff of the U.K High Commission.
I have
been working at the Consule in Canada.
I was posted to Nigeria in
December 2005.
I have really enjoyed my stay over here.
Have you
been to Abuja?
The Capital of Nigeria is unique,Though I am yet to
make friends outside the Diplomatic community.
I have really
enjoyed the Country and the people have diverse Culture and are
hardworking.
I really miss my family and friends in Canada.My Wife
Tessy has been calling me.
She works for a Telecommunication firm in
Nova Scotia. I want her to visit me next month
I also want you to
apply for the Inteegrated U.K Visa programme.
It is meant for
working class and people with previous working experince
Send your
Full name ,age ,date of birth ,height ,weight,evidence of previous
working experince and academic qualification.
Send it as a
comprehensive resume.
Send it through brantwoodrow@yahoo.co.uk
Reply and tell me more about Nigeria ,the people and your
immediate Environment.
I want to meet new people and learn more
about the people of Nigeria.
My contact phone at The High
commission is 08036743028.
Regards
Brant Woodrow
woodrow@woodrowworld.com
brantwoodrow@uk.gov.prg


The scam-o-gram itself is a nice melange of the real (the Niger delta is environmentally ravaged, politically exploited, and racked by violence) and the phony (which is all the rest of it). That is how "Brant" composes his letters visually, by the way. A nice tribute to Don Marquis.

But can Princess Margaret give "Brant" the entrée to Nigerian society he desires?
Does "Brant" bother any actual Nigerians for information about Nigeria?

Googling "Brant Woodrow" led to Nigeria Village Square:
http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/content/view/2490/46/
This Nigerian is sick of hearing from any and all "Brants", and equally defensive about Nigerian technical prowess:
http://www.nigeriavillagesquare.com/index.php/content/view/2440/46/
What upset him is this:
http://www.molsonandlee.com/sounds/ibru.mp3
... a radio talk show interview with scammers who don't seem to grasp that they are being outed on the airwaves. The radio guys (who admittedly don't seem to know or care much about the state of Nigerian telecommunications) do a fine job of outing the scammers, and it's worth listening to the end for the indignant yelling.

But back to our regularly scheduled scam:
A visit to "woodrowworld.com" produced this message:
"This page is password secured. You can view this page after entering the password"
woodrowworld.com has address 64.15.175.5
64.15.175.5 belongs to savvis.net.
Whatever.



HRH Princess Margaret

Date: February 17, 2006

Dear Mr Woodworm

I am familiar with the High Commission you mention from past visits, some years back now and what charming bridge partners were to be found there. Does Mr Abacha still work there? He was quite a demon on a double rubber. But I am not sure this was meant for me, although your claim seems intriguing. Have we been introduced somewhere? In event I cannot possible send out personal details like this, will nilly over the net without some sort of guarantee as to your discretion.

MARGARET

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto,
Room 101
The Royal Les Dawson Suite
Kensington Doss House,
Buckingham
London
FU2 GlT
44 870 751 5170



Brant Woodrow

From: "Brant Woodrow" <brantwoodrow@hotmail.com>
Reply-To: brantwoodrow@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Woodrow's Email.
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006
X-Originating-IP: [64.201.33.53]

Hello H.R.H

I am sorry for sending the email to you.
I am really sorry.
I wanted to familiarise myself with you.
I work as a consultant with U.K High commission
I am not a permanent staff.
We study the extent of Pollution in the oil producing area of Nigeria
We consult for Royal/Dutch Shell
I have really enjoyed my stay over here.
It is not unussual to make friends with Royalty .
I am very glad to email you.
I "ll appreciate a response.

regards
Brant Woodrow



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Mr Woodrunt

Very apologies accepted. Now then. What exactly do you expect from us? This is all very irregular.

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC



Brant Woodrow

From: "Brant Woodrow." <brantwoodrow@yahoo.co.uk>
Reply-To: brantwoodrow@hotmail.com
Subject: Her Royal Highness
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006
Received: from [62.56.146.149]

Hello H.R.H Princess Margaret.
I am happy we're getting on a fine note.
I run a conservation programme for Oil producing Communities in Nigeria.
The essence is to preserve the second largest rain forest in the world ,NigerDelta rain forest.
It is home to Huge Multinational oil firm.
There are cases of oil spillage which destroy acquatic life and fauna of the area.
I have already reached out in many places.
Our effort is eing felt by the host communities.
I want you to be our patron.
It will help boost our image .Oil companies will take us serious.
Tell me what you think about it.
Regards
Brant Woodrow



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Mr Woodworm

I am greatly flattered by the offer. As it happens I do take a great interest in such matters, being Patron of the Smegaroon Fund for Nature making contributions through my Charitable office, here under Lonslo Tossov. Naturally I am slightly hesitant in the first instance, as neither I nor my staff have heard of you or your organisation, and hope you will excuse this ignorance. Do you have prospectus you could send to us?

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC



Brant Woodrow

Subject: Hello Your Highness
Date: Sat, 25 Feb 2006
Hello H.R.H Princess Margaret.

I really appreciate the email.The name of the agency is Woodrow Conservation Africa.
We are directly involved with the community.I reside in the Niger Delta area.
I live with the people in the community and know the pains they feel.
We have a online website.Though we'll still improve the site.WWW.woodrowworld.com
All I need is your support and Guidance.
What we intend is to preserve as much virgin land as possble.
If the Niger Delta forest is depleted,It will affect the weather condition of the whole world.
Contact our offrice Warri Delta State on 2348036743028.
We also have an office in PortHarcourt phone 234-80-37906437 .
I will send my family pics to you.
Maybe you'll make arrangement to come over here.
As the Patron of Smegaroon Fund for Nature we can also accept articles and books on other Similar groups all over the world.
Your Highness I hope you'll really visit this place sometime.
Send any article or any material or correspondence through.
Address Woodrow Conservation Initiative for NigerDelta.Care of Mr Emeka Igwebuike
10 Edinburgh Road Enugu,Nigeria
Regards

We also have account with Intercontinental Bank Nigeria Account Holder Reynolds Linson,Account Number 0038234467215

I'll appreciate the response
Brant Woodrow



HRH Princess Margaret

27 feb

Dear Mr Woodrow

How kind of you to reply so promptly and to send some images of yourself and lovely family. Please give them my warmest regards.

I am sure that we can look into paying you a little visit sometime in the not too distant future. Prince Charles is not the only one at the Palace with a real and abiding interest in environmental concerns, I can assure you of that. As it happens I have a royal tour planned for a couple of months ahead, the itinerary of which might easily be arranged to accomodate such a change. Are there are any decent hotels near where you are, that I can ask Sir Marmite, our TLO (Travel Liaison Officer) to investigate? Nothing too native and vulgar would be just the thing, perhaps with residents golf course, if I may be so presumptious?

Kind regards
MARGARET



Brant Woodrow

Date: Mon, 27 Feb 2006

I am very happy for the reply.
How is life over there?
My wife is so happy to know about you.
Can you send me atleast a picture of you?
I want to enlarge it and keep at my house.
I will forever appreciate such rare gift.
Alternatively you can send it through post or attach it to this email address.
We can be really happy to have you over here.
We have already found two hotels in the Nigerdelta.
One is Ogeyi Le Meridien in PortHarcourt Rivers State.
You can also stay at the Grand Hotel Asaba in Delta State.
Both of them are five star hotel.
When you'll visit Abuja ,There are Sheraton Abuja and Transcorp Hilton Formerly Nicon Noga Hilton,
We have already started preparation for your visit.
Tell us any natural gift or a tree or plant or Bird we might get for you.
We have lots of them in This area.remenber it has the second largest rain forest in the world.The NigerDelta Rain forest.
Her Highness Kindly tell me your opinion on the demonstrations and destruction caused by muslims around the world.
I think this is a defining moment for freedom of speech in the world.
It will help to establish free speech and access to information.
I am really happy to send the email.
I hope to get a response from you.
from my family we wish you well.
Regards
Brant Woodrow



HRH Princess Margaret

Mar 1

Dear Mr Woodworm

How delightful to hear from you people again and to learn of all the local hostelries, the details of which I have passed on to my staff for evaluation. We surely hope to be in your part of the world soon.

I attach a some shots of myself taken lately as asked. I have more formal ones but I appear more likeable in these, at least as I am assured by my niece Candice.

You ask me about my views on our muslim friends around the world, well I can assure you that I hold them in the highest regards, a fact I emphasised incidentally when I had an extended interview with Mr Abu Hamza, the well known imman here from Smegaroon province a few weeks ago, in which he stressed how harmless he was.

Please keep me informed on how your little enivironmental projects come along. I am keen to encourage such work and the spread of nature and if you would find it useful I can look to sending over a consignment of fertilizer now and again from the Horse Guard stables.

Very best wishes

MARGARET





Brant Woodrow

Date: Fri, 03 Mar 2006

I am very happy to hear from you.
The pictures you sent is a delight.
I really appreciate it.I intend to enlarge it.
Maybe you can send a larger picture.
My wife was delivered of a baby Gilr.I have a new addition to my family.
I will name her Margeret in your Honour.
I'll send her pictures to you.
This week has been hactic for us over here.We succeded in stopping a oil service company from devastating a picturesque virgin forest in Bayelsa within the NigerDelta.
We told the firm that there are other places to build such project.They have agreed to site the project at another place.I Believe it is a success on our part.
The oil producing producing communities has also started to appreciate our effort.
Infact it was due to our role that made some of the Multinationals toreduce the rampant dumping of waste and indiscriminate oil pollution in the NigerDelta area.
Though a lot still has to be done.Her Highness you need to come and see this for your self.I am being encouraged daily by the improvement I see.
On tuesday we held a meeting with some local Chiefs and Traditional rulers,They really encouraged us.
Our group is the only people that go right inside the community to seek ways of uplifting them and their environment.
We should all put hands together to secure the environment and preserve nature.
We'll appreciate you send the fertilizer.We really need such things over here.
It will help improve their agriculture and soil nutrient imput largely destroyed by the Pollution in the area.
Send it using the name of our Manager.
Woodrow Conservative Initiative
Mr Chukwuemeka Igwebuike
10 Edinburgh Road Enugu
Enugu State Nigeria.
We'll make effort to clear it from the ports.
We also request you send us $9,000.00 for the clearing.
Her Highness you should also tell us the amount of financial support we can receive from you on a yearly basis.
Kindly send us the $9,000.00 for support to our programme for now.
Send them through western Union.Send both money separately.
Receiver Mr Emeka Igwebuike
First Bank Nigeria
Enugu Branch.
We really need your support and encouragement
Our member also wish to extend their regard.They really appreciate your support and encouragement.Almighty God will surely bless you and the Royal family.
From time to time I'll update you on our effort.
From my family and Woodrow Conservative Initiative
We wish you well.

Brant Woodrow



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Mr Woodrow

How charming to hear from you again and see the images of your young family.

I am naturally very flattered to hear that one of the name you have chosen is my own, by way of tribute, and I am highly touched by such a gesture I can assure you.

Thank you for the interest in the manure from the Horse Guards, and I will be able to let you know how much and when it can be spared shortly. We have found that the diet of many of the horses, feed specifically on hay and suagr beet from our estates in Royal Wankershire ensures that their manure is of very high quality, the benefits of which I am sure you are very familiar in your line of work.

I will have a look and see if I can find a larger picture. In the meantime I attach one which was taken only recently, showing me relaxing at home.

I am greatly impressed by your work on local environmental issues, indeed I have drawn the attention of our chief horticulturalist, Mr Howard Marks, a very nice man, to your dedication and achievements. He has a smallholding of his own which has never the less attracted some attention from the authorities.

Your request from funding has rather caught us on the hop I am afraid. While we are not unsympathetic to your work, you must understand that I cannot dispense such amounts willy nilly, and any charitable donations require a degree of protocol and administration, which I suspect you may not wish to be bothered with. For instance, you would be required to sign an Oath of Temporary Allegiance to the House of Windsor in the light of any such extraordinary business, and you may feel this will prove too much bother.

But please advise, and I shall see what I can do to speed up such a process if of interest.

Kind regards
MARGARET





Brant Woodrow

Subject: My Daughter's Pictures Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2006

This is the pictures of Brooke.
Her second name is Margaret given in your honour.
I have more collections.
I'll send them later on.My wife also send her regards.
She was joking the Brooke Margaret was of the same size with the rosaling teddy beside her in the second picture.
My wife is also getting on well after the safe delivery.
Regards
Brant Woodrow


[(pics omitted):This fellow has stolen some charming images from somewhere]


Brant Woodrow

Date: Tue, 07 Mar 2006
X-Originating-IP: [62.56.146.151]

Hello Her Highness

I am very happy to receive the email.
The picture is a delight.
Pictures of Royalthy are different from ordinary pics.
I am epecting information concerning when the manure from the Horse Guards will be ready.
You have already assured that they have high nutrition content.
We'll be happy to receive them over here.
Within the last week ,we have been continuing on the project.
I addressed a community in Rivers State within the NigerDelta.
The meeting was fascilitated by the Traditional ruler.
I told them ,That I am ready to die in order to safeguard their environment.They were very happy with out team and promised to give us support.
They later took us round the community and we inspected the river and forests destroyed by oil pollution.It was awful.
We have also succeded in reconciling some oil producing communities with some Oil firms and this has attracted developmental project in the area.
When you come over here in NigerDelta.You'll see what will encourage you to do more.
On the issue of Money.
Her Highness you can send only $9000 for now.
We really need it for the continuation of the project.
We'll really appreciate receiving the money within this week or next week.
I never wanted to bother you with it,But it is very important I tell you want we need.The Members of Woodrow Conservative Initiative will forever be grateful to you.The money will also go a long way in improving the environment and restoring what has almost been destroyed.
My wife also send her regards to you.Our Little daughter Brooke Margaret is also getting on fine.
Her Highness the information for sending the money is through western Union Money Transfer.
Receiver Our Manager Mr. Chukwuemeka Igwebuike
First Bank Nigeria [Western Union]
Enugu Branch
We'll be expecting to hear from you.
We are also planning a grand easter enlightenement programme.
It will be on air and we'll try to reach out to some other communities in NigerDelta that are devastatedby destroying of virgin forest, oil pollution, excessive lumbering and killing of rare animals.
The team will always keep you abreast of the day to day activities.
Her Highness, From my family and woodrow Conservative Initiative.
We wish you well.
Kind Regards
Brant Woodrow



HRH Princess Margaret

7 mar

Dear Mr Woodrow

We would be delighted to make a modest contribution to your little project, especially in the light of your kindness.

However is there not a bank account I can ask my people to use? It would be more secure and I am sure that your Mr. Ingwanke would not object to the reduce risk of such a procedure.

MARGARET


"I am epecting information concerning when the manure from the Horse Guards will be ready. You have already assured that they have high nutrition content. "

Hmm - does he know what's going on, I wonder?



Brant Woodrow

Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2006
Received: from [62.56.146.151]

Hello Her Highness
I am very delighted to read from you once more.
The issue of sending money through bank account is not the best.
The banking system over here is not the best.
It will take time and might not reach us.
It is better you send it through western Union
It will reach us the same day you sent it.
Send it through
Mr Emeka Igwebuike.
Western Union
Frist Bank Nigeria
Enugu Nigeria
With this information the money will reach us.
Send the codes for withdrawal.
I called your phone and left a message on the voice recorder.
We want to send some pictures and other documents concerning our activities periodically to you.It will help you appreciate our effort over here.
I hope you'll receive it through the contact address above.
What is your opinion about the nuclear standoff between Iran and other western World?
My wife also send her regards
From my family and Woodrow Conservative Initiative.
We wish you well
Kind Regards
Brant Woodrow



HRH Princess Margaret

11 mar

Dear Mr Woodworm

How delightful to hear from you again. We are considering your suggestion of using Western Union very carefully as we are keen to see you get what is coming to you and as quickly as possible.

First of all, who is this Mr Igwebuike? Is he an associate of yours? I am worried that the fellow may make off with the money before it reaches your hands as I know what it is like out there.

It has been suggested here that perhaps a personal representative might make the journey and deliver our largesse in person. Is that amenable to you?

As far as the nuclear standoff is concerned, the whole situation is dreadful. I can assure you that if we still out there running things none of this silly nonsense would ever occur.

MARGARET



Brant Woodrow

Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2006

Hello Her Highness
I just got the email right now
I am very happy to receive it.
Mr Igwebuike is staff of Woodrow Conservative Initiative
He is a trusted ,committed and hardworking man.
However our Financial director Mr Joel Richard Ano is now in town.
Send the money through western Union
Receiver is Mr Joel Richard Ano
Frist Bank Nigeria
Enugu Branch.
Nobody will abscond with the money.
I'll be expecting it next week.
I'll send you more pictures later on.
You pronounce my name wrongly.'Woodworm' instead of Woodrow
What is your relationship with other Royal family in spain,Monaco,Belgium,sweden,Denmark and The Netherlands?
My Daughter Brooke Margaret is develping very fast.She is my little angel.
Her mother is also getting on with her life.
Some of our members are committed Christians and are observing the Lenten period with seriousness.We have a lul in our activities. Though we are continuing with some serious programme.
You have not said anything concerning the fertilizer.
Her Highness send the money next week.As we'll be expecting it.
From my family and Woodrow Conservative Intiative.
God bless and continue to encourage you on the good works

Regards
Brant



HRH Princess Margaret

mar 13

Dear Mr Woodrow

My apologies for getting your name wrong, please blame my eyesight. Sadly it is not what it was and when I dictate these messages quickly as I do on the run as it where between state appointments, things can often go awry.

We fully appreciate that both Mr Igwebuike and Mr Arso are favoured and trusted employees of Woodrow Conservative Initiative. However I am sure that you will appreciate our legitimate concerns of such a risky transfer. Suppose there are unreliable natives at the WU office, pilfering accounts and financial arrivals? One can never be too sure. In view of these uncertainties we still stongly favour a proper bank transfer or, better still, a hand to hand exchange of monies. Incidentally would you accept golden dorks?

As regards to your enquiry about my relationship with the royal families of europe, yes there is certainly some blood kinship as I am sure you are aware. I am second cousin to Prince Lautfart of Denmark for instance, and aunt to Princess Candice Bruzelsprowt of the proud Walloon nation.

Please give my love to your little daughter and we hope she is well and we eagerly look forward to receiving more pictures.

As for the fertilizer, I must admit this had rather slipped my mind. How much of it would you like? I have now spoken to Lord Cardigan of the Light Brigade and he says that he can perhaps spare a small container load, as they keep a good back supply for the palace rhubarb and what not.

In any case please let me know.

I am delighted to hear that your friends and colleagues are committed christians. I myself firmly believe in a moral attitude to life, and indeed attend the Guy Fawkes chapel here on a regular basis, a place where, thankfully, religious pagentry is not blown up out of all proportion.

Kindest regards,

MARGARET



Brant Woodrow

Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2006

Hello Her Royal MajesTY
I really appreciate the email.
The Woodrow Conservation Initiative is very happy to associate with you.
Her Highness,I hope you had a nice weekend.
Tell Lord Cardigan of the Light Brigade to send us a container load of the Fertilizer.
He should send the shipment documents through
Joel Richard Ano
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE.
10 Edinburgh Road Enugu,
Enugu State Nigeria.
Her Highness kindly send the money Through the western Union or Money Gram.
If you send the money today.You'll send the withdrawal code directly to my email.I will be the person to give the withdrawal information to him.
There is no way Richard can abscond with funds.The issues of pilfering accounts and financial arrivals will not arrise.
Mr Richard is a committed person and a Christian of the Anglican communion.
I will be with him on the day of collection
Do not worry about the safety of the money.
If I withdraw it .I'll inform you through the email.
Do you have any other telephone number?
However Mr Emeka Igwebuike has a account with UBA
The details are
United Bank For Africa
Account Number 0842120159770
Enugu Main Branch
The issue of banking over here is not as perfect as obtained in U.K
It might not reach us if you send it through bank.
Western Union and Money Gram is the relaiable way of sending money in Nigeria.
Send the money through western Union or MONEY GRAM
The details for sending the funds through either western Union or MoneyGram is viz Money Gram
Receiver- Joel Richard Ano.
United Bank for Africa.
Enugu Main Branch

Western Union
Receiver- Joel Ricahrd Ano
First Bank Nigeria
Enugu Branch.
I do not want the issue of money to be our main issue of discussion all the time.
I will always cherish learning from your experince in life.I am young man with a young family and passion for conservation.I will always spread the message and practicalize it wherever I go.
My wife send her regards
I am developing more pictures of Brooke Margaret.I will send it to you later on.
I will try to send some nice ones later today.
Her Highness Kindly send the money before the week runs out.
I want to know your opinion on the effects of Television and internet on young people all over the world. What is your favourite sports? I also need more of your picture collections taken on an outing or official engangement.
I appreciate your person.You are caring and understanding.
God will surely continue to bless you.
Best Regards
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

14 mar

Dear Mr Woodrow

Many thanks for writing back so promptly. I must say that, after a long day on the polo or clay pigeon shooting field, nothing pleases so much than to get back to the Royal Apartments and be read an affectionate letter from the former colonies.

Lord Cardigan will no doubt contact you on his own account shortly, as there are a few details about the consignment of fertiliser that he will want clarified and I have taken the liberty of passing over your address, my dear fellow. I hope you do not mind.

We would still feel happier going the banking transfer route, as I am sure you have already gathered from previous messages. Are you sure that we cannot send an envoy to undertake this business on a more personal basis. I have several utterly reliable courtiers to fall back on in this instance, such as Mr Neville Heath or Sir John Reginald Christie, and they would take care of the main body of business to the satisfaction of all. In the past they have certainly shown how quickly things can be despatched to the satisfaction of all.

Since you ask, I am afraid I have a low opinion of the value of the internet or television to the youth of today. In my childhood we relied upon puppet shows, outdoor pursuits of all kinds, family theatricals (I did a fine Lady Macbeth on Christmas I remember), or just reading aloud from favourite classic authors like Shakespeare, Dickens or Archer.

I will try and find a photograph or two of me on a public engagement to send you and look forward to see more from your end. Do you have any shots of your village or your local goat market and what not?

Warmest regards
MARGARET



Charles Farnes-Barnes

KREPLACH BROTHERS MERCHANT BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC
69 TAGHOLM AVENUE LONDON WC1 FU2
From the Office of Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes VC

15 March 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow

I act for Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret who informs me that she wishes to send you a gift of five hundred golden dorks.

Please let me know as soon as possible:

a. The name, address, account number and Swift Code of your bank.
b. If you would prefer the cash in golden dorks, Turkish lira or South African rand.
c. Whether this transaction is ad valorem ad vimto with respect to the transfer of funds as regulated in the Anglo Nigerian Finance Act of 1998. A simple declaration affirming this is so will suffice.

If you have any queries, do not hesitate to call me on my private telephone number [0]1438869665.

Yours truly,
Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes



Brant Woodrow

Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2006

Hello Her Highness
This is some of the picturtes
You should take delight in watching the last one.
It was taken in a community we helped to restore from pollution.
We also encourage the oil producing community to plant trees
For every tree felled another one should be planted to replace it.
The other pictures is with my wife and our daughter.
I will send other ones now.
Her Highness,I know your agitation about sending funds through bank.
Over here in Nigeria.It is almost impossible to send money from bank to bank especially from overseas.
I met one of my friend who is a banker and told him about it.
He said that I should convince you to send it through western union.
In Nigeria western Union is the preffered way of sending money quickly.
Her Highness you can always give the money to any of your assistance to send through western Union
The western Union staff will give the person some secret code for withdrawal.
You'll now get the codes across to me.
We'll use it to collect the funds on the same day it was sent.
I have told you about this from the beginning.
I will be expecting it before the weeks runs out.
Do you have any role to play in the Commonwealth?
The British left a lot of good legacy to Humanity.
Over here ,Nigerians believe that the Bristish Colonialist left the country very early.
They seems to regret why power was given to Local politicians.
They blame the politicians for the poverty,unemployment and failure of government and corruption.
However I believe the British have done their best.It is left for every country to salvage their people.
I will attach more pictures for your delight.
Best wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Brant Woodrow

Subject: Her Highness the Third Collections
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INTIATIVE



Brant Woodrow

Subject: Her Highness, The second picture collections Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2006

Hello Her Higness
The Above are other nice collections
I hope they are fine
Some of the pictures were taken in the course of the conservatiion work, some on a family outing and with friends.
I will send more later on.
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Colonel James Thomas Brudenell

15 mar

Sir,

I have the honour to write to you in response to a request by the honoured patron of our regiment, HRH Princess Margaret.

She has instructed me to make available to you an amount of fine grade horse manure from our regimental stables in order to assist your environmental campaign in Africa.

I will be obliged, sir, if you could either instruct me or the mess adjutant here, that is Sgt Major O'Rorke Drift, as to the exact address for this despatch. Also, do you wish the droppings bagged up by the men or loose?

Advise at your earliest convenience and I will order the start of this operation at once.

I remain, sir,

Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM
7th Earl of Cardigan
Commander of Light Horse Brigade
Tennyson Barracks
600 Rode Inn Valley
Smegaroon, UK
UR1 GIT
Tel 44 20 7414 3291



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Woodrow

Many thanks for the extra images you have just sent. May I compliment you on what a fresh and intelligent family you possess? By way of return, I attach a couple more of myself, one taken just last week at the gates to the palace as it happens.

I know that Cardigan has written to you in regards to the fertiliser consignment and trust that it will be all in order to make delivery soon. You can imagine that storage of such noxious material, once retrieved, can be a problem, especially with all the tourists we have here, gadding about the place!

We are still very unsure about the issue of using Western Union. Have you thought about the other suggestions we made last message? They would be far more satisfactory, I can assure you of that.

In regards to your question: do have a slight role in the Commonwealth but it is purely ornamental I am afraid. However for the just opened commonwealth games, I was in charge of booking of her tickets for the event.

I do hope that all the tree planting and whatnot is coming along fine. As it happens only this weekend I had a dozen saplings put in Mansfield Park, in a plot which delights thousands.

Kind regards
MARGARET





Brant Woodrow

To: James Thomas Brudenell

Hello,Thanks for the email.
I really appreciate it.
How are you doing over there?
How about the family and work?
I am happy you're associating with our environmental courses over here.
We will always continue with the work.
To save the earth is our priority.
Send fine grade horse manure from the regimental stable.Send the shipping documents through postal to us.
Use our postal address below
Receiver Mr. Chukwuemeka Igwebuike 10 Edinburgh Road Enugu,
Enugu State Nigeria.
It should be bagged up.
I will really appreciate we continue as friends.
I am married and has two daughters.
I am doing very fine and committed to my family and job.
Conservation is my passion.I will continue to practicalise and preach it wherever I go.
Send me some pictures and tell me about your life in the Military.
I am expecting to hear from you.Send my regards to Sgt Major O'Rorke Drift,Tell him to send me a email.I will like to know his opinion on environmental issues.
From all of us at the WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow



Colonel James Thomas Brudenell

Sir

I have your message and have acted upon it. Some of my best boys are currently on the parade ground, working the stable dung piles at this moment, further to your order. With so many bags it may have to be shipped in a container. Are you equipped to take delivery of same? If not, I can look into ordering up a military transport flight, if you can have trucks waiting at the airport upon arrival.

I attach an image of myself for your reconnaissance, as per late request.

In regards to your enquiry sir I have been a serving officer for over 20 years and have served in Ulster, Algeria, Slovenia and Smegaroon. Sgt Mjr O'Rorke Drift has been given your contact details.

Sincerely yours,

Brudenell (Commanding)





Susan Putz

15 March 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow,

Thank you for your letter addressed to Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes who is now out of the office until March 24th. However, he has asked me to pass your letter to Mrs Tushie Meshuganah, the Chief Cashier of our Africa Division who will be contacting you very shortly.

Yours truly,

Susan Putz
Private Secretary to Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes



Brant Woodrow

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2006

KREPLACH BROTHERS MERCHANT BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC 69 TAGHOLM AVENUE LONDON WC1 FU2

Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes

Dear Lord farnes-Barnes
I really appreciate the email.
How about your family ad work?
The issue of sending money from bank to bank cannot work over here.Our bankers directed you send it through western Union.It is faster and relaible.I'll receive the money tomorrow as soon as you send it.
Send the money through the nearest western Union office over there.
The details for receiving is viz
Receivers name - Joel Richard Ano
First Bank Nigeria
Enugu Branch
Send the confirmation and withdrawal information to my email box tomorrow.
The money should be in Pounds Sterling.
I will also like us to continue as friends.
I am young man with passion for conservation and environmental issues.
I am married and have two daughters.
I'll send some pics later.
From all of us at WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE
We wish you God's protection and happiness
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION



Brant Woodrow

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006

Hello Her Highness

Thanks for sending the email.
The pictures are very nice.
It seems the car is a Rolls Royce.
The interior of the vehicle is superb.You look elegant in it.
I like your unique style of doing things.
I have told Lord Charles Farnes Barnes to send the money through western Union.
If he insists,I'll call our manager at bank to give us a solution to it.
I have always told you that western Union is best.
The system of banking over here is different from what is obtainable in Great Britain.
In Nigeria western union is the preffered way of sending and receiving.Intsruct them on what to do.
Continuing on our proigramme.We visited a community within the riverine.
They invited us to see the damages done to their environment by oil spillage and other exploration activities.We also visited two other communities this afternoon.
I will be back to the place tomorrow to complete the assignment.
What is your favourite magazine in u.k?I read the sun online.
Some of my collugues will want to visit U.K next month.We intend them to meet other group that promotes environmenta issues.They willl gain a lot of experince which we'll use over here
They will also use the opportunity to visit you.
You have to help facilitate the trip.
I am happy you appreciate the pictures sent.
I will still send more to you
From all of us over here
We wish you God's guidance

Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

16 mar

Dear Mr Woodrow

Many thanks for your prompt reply.

Cardigan has told me that your fertilizer is well in hand and hopefully will be sent out to you shortly once a few details have be resolved. I do hope you grow roses in your part of the world as they will bloom splendidly with this muck added. I would dearly like to know if you get a bunch up soon as I am sure you deserve it out there.

Your kind remarks as to my royal transport is noted with appreciation. In fact you are right that is a Rolls Royce, getting rather old these days I mmust admit, and so for most occasions we use a BMW, although it gives less of show for johnny public, I would say. We also have a carriage and horses for the real big ceremonial occasions but the interior seating plays havoc with my piles.

Please keep Farnes Barnes and myself up to date on the money transfer. I have been reminded since we last communicated that palace protocol dictates that in the case of such extraordinary business you will have to sign an Oath of Temporary Allegiance to the House of Windsor. It is purely a formality of course involving a signed document and a picture to prove identity, but one which our legal chaps insist before anything formal between our office and third world chaps such as yourself can be entered into. Are you amenable to this? If so I will ask our Commonwealth Commissioner of Oaths, Sir Michael Barrymore to send over the requisite paperwork.

You ask about my favourite reading, and I must admit I prefer the Daily Telegraph as a daily read which has quite the best coverage of court news as well as a splended column on badger hunting. Other than the national papers I also take the Polo Players Gazette and The Buyers Guide.

I am delighted that some of your colleagues feel able to pay us a visit. Please advise us of their plans when they are finalised, and I will see what can be done at this end to make them feel as welcome as they ought to be. There may be a chance of a few rooms in the north tower of Buckingham Palace if the fellows are assuredly clean and quiet and don't mind eating with the servants. There is a tropical theme in one of the suites there, I know, with bamboo furniture, rush matting and what not which would make them feel at home.

Kind regards
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco,



Brant Woodrow

Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2006

KREPLACH BROTHERS MERCHANT BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC
69 TAGHOLM AVENUE LONDON WC1 FU2

Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes
HELLO susan

I got the email.
You should write me with your private email account.
We can also become close friends.
I have gotten the account for the funds.

Lester Lin Co Ltd.
Hua Nan Commercial Bank
Hong Kong Branch
Suite 5601-3,56th Floor,
Central Plaza 18 Harbour Road,
Wanchai,Hong Kong.
Account Number 905230037333
Swift Code HNBKHKHH

The bank is in Hong Kong.The funds will reach us over here.
Send my regards to Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes.
I will be going for work now.
I'll be expecting to hear from you.

SINCERELY YOURS

Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Susan Putz

17 March 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow

Please read my last e-mail more carefully. This transaction is now being conducted by Mrs Tushie Meshuganah of our Africa Division who will be contacting you shortly.

Yours truly,
SUSAN PUTZ
Private Secretary to Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes



Brant Woodrow

Subject: TUSHIE
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2006

HELLO Tushie Meshuganah

This is Mr Brant.
I am a director with Woodrow Conservation Initiative.
Have you got any information from Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes
I have the account details for sending the money.
The details are below

Lester Lin Co Ltd.
Hua Nan Commercial Bank
Hong Kong Branch
Suite 5601-3,56th Floor,
Central Plaza 18 Harbour Road,
Wanchai,Hong Kong.
Account Number 905230037333
Swift Code HNBKHKHH
The money will reach us over here in Nigeria
I am expecting to hear from you.
From all of us over here.
best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
Woodrow Conservation Initiative

17 March 2007



Tushie Meshuganah

17 March 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow,

As you prefer to be paid in sterling this transaction will be handled by Mr Joseph Kucker of our subsidiary brokers Chavster, Manfred and Newman Ltd. He will contact you later today.

Yours faithfully,

Mrs Tushie Meshuganah



Brant Woodrow

To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Her Royal Highness
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2006

Thanks for sending the email once more.
I am really grateful for everything.
I will inform James Thomas Brudenell to send the fertilizer through shipping.
We grow roses over here.We grow other rare trees and flowers
We get most of the stuff from the local University of Agriculture over here.
They also introduce us to other economic trees, which we encourage the communities in the oil producing areas to plant in order to replenish the soil nutrients in the area.
The fertilizer will be very useful to us.
I got a email from susan putz,Private Secretary to Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes .
I attached the full email below.
I do not know the amount you intend to send.
However I have gotten a account for you to send the money.
The details are below.
Lester Lin Co Ltd.
Hua Nan Commercial Bank
Hong Kong Branch
Suite 5601-3,56th Floor,
Central Plaza 18 Harbour Road,
Wanchai,Hong Kong.
Account Number 905230037333
Swift Code HNBKHKHH
The bank is in Hong Kong.
The money will reach us over here in Nigeria.
You can see the process will be long.
I do not have alternative.I will do as you said.LOL

I will check the website of Daily Telegraph ,since it's your favourite.
I read sun uk and News of the world.It writes mainly on celebrities.
Polo Players Gazette and The Buyers Guide is exclusively for the rich and famous.
My collueges will start arrangement to visit Great Britain next week.
I will give you all the informations llater on.
Why did the Royal family choose to use BMW?
You know it's made in Germany. You must have reasons for that.
Will you attend the commonwealth games in Autralia?

Hello Her Highnes kindly tell the Commonwealth Commissioner of Oaths, Sir Michael Barrymore to send the paperwork to me.Give my email address to him.I am ready to sign the Oath of Temporary Allegiance to the House of Windsor.
I heard the U.K Armed forces will wind up their activities in Iraq in 2008.
I pray most of the hotspot countries like syria,Iran and North Korea will see reasons and tow the line of peace.
I will leave now to go over to the communities in the riverine area.
They will be waiting for me.
From all of us over here.
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Mr Woodrow

I have only just finished speaking to Cardigan as it happens, and much of the bagging up has, I understand, finally been done to his satisfaction. He sends his apologies for the delay, but 150 bags of prime fertilizer has proved rather time consuming to process, as you can imagine. However the squaddies out there in their Marigolds have done a prime job I am assured, and so all is ready. There would have been more muck to send out to your little organisation, but I understand that Cardigan has sadly just lost a quite few horses in an unexpectedly adverse engagement in the Crimea. However he joins me in the pleasure of knowing that the current batch at least is being provided without a charge.

Now, in regards to your questions about the BMW, since you press the point, I must candidly admit to some embarrassment. Naturally we would prefer to use the Rolls for most public duties but I believe in a previous message I outlined the disadvantages. We have acquired a small fleet of BMWs for a number of reasons, none of them unfortunately patriotic, especially the fact that a cocktail unit comes as standard in the top of the range model (the Duke of Edinburgh has quite a bee in his bonnet about that sort of thing) and fuel consumption is so much more responsible with the German vehicle. I do not know if you have ever driven at 3 mph for hours through cheering crowds, with the window down, but I can assure you that such a procedure eats up the petrol at an alarming rate, while emissions can be startlingly high. One so hates the commoners to inhale too much carbon monoxide if it can be avoided, let alone oneself whilst waving in the accustomed way, as I am sure you understand.

As far as the Commonwealth Games, I am afraid that I will not be attending this year. I have unfortunately been laid up with a touch of gout, now somewhat easing, but on doctor's orders I cannot travel by air.

I am so glad that you have agreed to sign the Oath of Temporary Allegiance and have taken the liberty of instructing Mr Barrymore, from whom no doubt you will be hearing shortly. Once this small matter is taken care of, then matters will soon proceed and we can send off your dung at once, for instance. I do hope this matter is a matter of urgency with you as, when the warmer weather arrives, I imagine the stack of sacks on the parade ground will grow rather unpleasant for casual passers by.

Excellent news on the bank account you have made available, and we will look to see you get what is coming to you soon enough, rest assured.

Kind regards
MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Michael Montague Barrymore

mar 17

Dear Mr Woodrow

OATH OF TEMPORARY ALLEGIANCE
# 1SA-CNT E.R. (Elizabeth II Regis)

WHEREAS PRINCESS MARGARET has asked that I invest you with the Oath of Temporary Allegiance to the House of Windsor, this is hereby done. I understand in respect of some pending commercial considerations a reply is required urgently.

Please note that the Oath, sent to yourself at this address as advised is a discreet formality and is NOT transferrable either to kin or tribe.

The Oath should be read out loud, printed out, and signed along with a witness (of no relation). Together with the signed document, scanned and returned to us, there should be in accompanyment a 300 dpi photograph of yourself, right hand raised. To confirm this is your image, please display prominently in the image the relevant Oath code 1SA-CNT ER

OATH OF FORMAL ALLEGIANCE TO THE HOUSE OF WINDSOR

"I _____________________ of _______________________ County State of ___________________ do hereby solemnly swear that I will bear true allegiance to the House of Windsor in full quims, and support and sustain the Right Royal Business thereof; that I will maintain utmost discretion in fey vimtos paramount to all; that as total git I will discourage, discountenance, all breaking of this merkin troth, pledge my honor, to the sacred performance of this, my solemn Oath of Allegiance to the Royal Highnesses thereto. De Paquet Cheerios in flagrente delecto. Pro vom poppadom rexus quasi dominus poxy.

signed ..............................................
witnessed ..............................................
date ..............................................

OATH issued 17.3.2006 # 1SA-CNT E.R

This Oath is issued by my office, as per commercial protocol and in lieu of a face to face appearance which, due to urgency and geographical distance, would otherwise prove impossible. Normally more documentation would be required but Her Majesty has graciously waived this element of protocol in this instance.

If you have any questions, please contact either myself at once or speak to a trusted legal representative.

I am sir,

Your humble servant

BARRYMORE
Michael Barrymore AASA, DFC,
HER MAJESTYS COMMONWEALTH COMMISSIONER OF OATHS
2645 Gooliepully Road
Stringalonga, TOCUMWAL,NSW,2714
Phone: (02) 9298 3777
Fax: (02) 9298 3780



Melodie Fenwick

Dear Mr Woodrow,

Dr Joseph Kucker is in receipt of details of your business with HRH Princess Margaret, Duchess of Grand Tesco from my colleague Mrs Tushie Meshuganah of Kreplach Brothers Merchant Bank International PLC. He has asked me to complete the transaction.

I regret to inform you that payment cannot be made in Pounds Sterling. However, we can transfer in your native Nigerian currency, South African rand, Canadian dollars or Slovenian silver dorks.

Let me know which currency you prefer.

I have details of your bank account but to ensure full security please quote this reference number in your reply:

A41R9SE

Yours faithfully,
Melodie Fenwick
Personal Assistant to
Dr Joseph Kucker
Deputy Chief Executive
Chavster, Manfred and Newman Inc
8 Robben Road
London NW1 GIT
tel: [0]208 202 8200



Brant Woodrow

To: Charles Farnes-Barnes
Subject: susan putz.
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2006

SUSAN PUTZ
Private Secretary to Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes

hello susan
how are you doing?
i have contact mrs tushie.
the transaction is going on.
however i wanted us to become friends
perhaps we can share some experiences together.
you should not disregard the email.
write with your private email box.
i also want to send some pictures to you.
regards
brant



Susan Putz

19 March 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow,
Your transaction is being dealt with by Mrs Tushie Meshuganah. There is no need for you to contact me again. I would further advise you not to write in such impudent terms to her. No-one at the bank is at all interested in being "your friend" and we have no desire to see any photographs of you.

Our job is simply to carry out instructions from our clients - in this case Hr Royal Highness Princess Margaret, Duchess of Grand Tesco.

Yours faithfully,
SUSAN PUTZ
Private Secretary to Lord Charles Farnes-Barnes



Brant Woodrow

Subject: HER ROYAL HIGHNESS
Date: Sat, 18 Mar 2006
Hello Her Majesty,

I am happy to receive the email.
You are really a nice person.
I am very happy to be associated with youand the Royal family.
I have sent the necessary information to Cardigan and Lord Farnes Barnes.
I am expecting the response.
I am writing from a locality in a riverine area.
I will attach the oath of allegiance along with my photograph to Mr Michael Barrymore.
Two of my colluegues intend to apply for visa to be in Great Britian.
Her majesty kindly send the two persons a invitation letter.It will be used for the visa application.
They intend to come on a short visit to make contacts andstudy on how other environmental societies in Great britains operate.
I will give you more information concerning it.
I hope Mr Barrymore will accept the pictures.There is no readily available photographic centre over here. Though I will be off the creek tomorrow.
Kindly tell Mr. Barrymore to accept the oath of allegiance.
I am happy to be associated with the House of Windsor.
My family will be going on a thanksgiving ceremony on our new baby over here in Nigeria.
God has really blessed my family.
I will give you update about it.
Who is your favourite political leader or prime Minister in the U.K?
What is your opinion on the effects of development and globalisation to the economies of Europe?
Her majesty I'll be off to go back to the creek. from all of us over here.we wish you.
God's gudance,encouragement and blessing.

Sincerely yours
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Mar 19

Dear Brant (if I may?)

What splendid news! I feel that so much of import has transpired between us, and in such a short space of time, that we are almost good friends. I am so pleased, as we often feel here quite strongly how important it is to maintain good relations with chaps from the former colonies.

I have just got back to the palace after a bison shoot in Scotland, and have yet to catch up with all the bits and bobs of news that has happened while I have been away. My butler Scones has spent a difficult half hour or so manhandling the carcass of a beast bagged from off the top of the Landrover and into the kitchens here for proper butchering, but now that my supervision is no longer required, I feel that I can give this business my fullest attention. I need to check with Mr Barrymore, once they are all awake in Australia naturally, that everything you have sent (?) is in order and then I am certain we can proceed without any further ado. I know that Cardigan is especially keen to get done on this project now as several of his men are required for duties elsewhere, some native rioting somewhere. There is no doubt that this little charitable donation of ours has proved quite a diversion what with one thing or another! Incidentally Cardigan asked me, over Sherry in the Magoo Room a short while ago, if you would like a Light Horse Brigade beret as a little souvenir of this connnection? He can easily have one chucked in, with honorary badge naturally, before the door is finally shut on the container.

You ask about obtaining a visa for a couple of your friends. Well, although it would be highly irregular, I feel that perhaps rules may be bent a little in this situation. If you wish to pass on their details, I shall be happy to forward them with a personal recommendation to Sir Marmite Luny-Bins, the Regis Chamberlain here, who would be responsible for any extraordinary visa grants of this course. Of course you may wish to contact him yourself with all the details, the matter is up to you. But please keep any application brief as he is a busy man, and you will understand Marmite does not like to be spread too thinly.

As far as political leaders in the UK I am afraid I try and remain slightly above the fractious nature of party politics. We see quite a few of the parliamentary johnnies at the palace as it happens on one pretext or another, all about will the Queen be signing this and that bill, or does she he have a view on this and that appointment, committee squabbles and what not, so all in all the lot of them become rather tiring after a while. I suppose given a choice, I would have the softest spot for Lars van Deferens, the leader of the UK Independence party, as at least he pipes a different tune when it come to it. Globalisation and such things are beyond me, I am afraid although my niece Candice seems to take an interest. Things were much simpler when we had troops stationed around the world, running things here and there and generally looking after the natives. Such issues never seemed to arise then. I blame the communists.

Anyhow, no doubt we shall be talking again soon. I hope the thanks giving ceremony goes well. Durings Matins at Smegaroon Catherdral this morning I must admit I nearly fell asleep, this during the sermon by the Rev Paisley, but I put this down to the tiredness after the hunt.

Warm regards
MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco,



Brant Woodrow

Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2006

Hello Thanks for the email
You should package the fertilizers in a container.
Send it through ship.
Send the shipping documents to us through post.
The address to use is
Mr Emeka Igwebuike
10 Edinburgh Road Enugu,
Enugu State ,Nigeria
On a lighter mood ,I'll send the pictures today.
It is just a family pics.
One of my friend's son intend to join the U.K Royal Army.
What are the conditions to be met?
In subsequent emails I'll tell you more about the environmental and conservation project over here.
The pictures you sent is exceptional.You really have the needed experience.
Your experience and dedication is what counts.
I heard the U.K Armed forces in Iraq will wind up their activities in 2008.
Who is the commander of the U.K Armed forces in Iraq?
I am really surprised most of the trouble spot like Syria,Iran and north Korea are Islamic nations.
What do you think about it.
I will be off to work.
from all of us over here.
BEST WISHES
Brant Woodrow
Woodrow Conservation Initiative



Colonel James Thomas Brudenell

mar 19

Sir,

I write in response to your last letter. Some delay was caused by my absence on military duties, unavoidable, as you will understand.

I am extremely gratified that your family friend is keen to join Her Majesty's armed forces. I myself have been in service for a good many years and, despite a painful shrapnel wound caught high up in the Ozarks, have never regretted my enlistment for a moment. Please note the fellow should be of good character.

The UK forces in Iraq are under the command of General George Casey. I had the honour of meeting him last year at a Buckingham Palace garden party and he impressed me mightily with his grasp of what needed to be done. I am confident that with him in charge, and President Bush keeping firm, the war against insurgency in Iraq will eventually reach the conclusion it deserves.

I regret sir that I did not get your images. Are they to be expected? May I pin them up in the Mess Hall for the men if they do arrive? I am sure that it will do there morale good, especially after all those hard hours shovelling your consignment into the sacks.

I only await a gree light from HRH and you will get your fertilizer in short order. Did you have any news about the provision of transport at the other end?

I remain sir
Brudenell (Commanding)



march 27 update:


Melodie Fenwick

20 March 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow,

I am in receipt of your e-mail.

Your money will be transferred to your nominated bank account as soon as Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret, Duchess of Great Tesco gives me the necessary authority.

Yours faithfully,

Melodie Fenwick
Personal Assistant to Dr Joseph Kucker
Deputy Chief Executive
Chavster, Manfred and Newman Inc
8 Robben Road
London NW1 GIT



Brant Woodrow

Melodie Fenwick
Personal Assistant to Dr Joseph Kucker

thanksfor sending the email.
i really appreciate it.
how are you over there?
you should send the money in canadan dollars.
i will be expecting to hear from you.
we can as well continue as friends.
tell me more about your work and family life.
are you married?
i will be off now.
best wishes
brant Woodrow



Sir Marmite Luny-Binns, DFC

20 march

Dear Mr Woodrow

Visa Application

I have been informed by Her Gracious Majesty Princess Margaret that you wish to make an extra ordinary visa application.

I would be obliged if the details of the applicant(s) could be forwarded to this office as soon as possible, in order for matters to be processed.

Sincerely yours

MARMITE

Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Regis Court Chamberlain
The Court of St James
Broadmoor
London FU2 GIT
0909 674 4848
http://www.freewebs.com/sirmarmite/index.htm



Brant Woodrow

To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Her Royal Highness
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006
870 751 5170

Hello Her Highness

Thanks for sending the email.
I really appreciate it.
I was just coming back from the creek.
We facilitated a negotiation between a oil company and a oil producing community.
Both the firm and the community reached an agreement.
In the afternoon our team also visited a community deep in the delta area.
They invited us to inspect the activities of Oil exploration firm and Lumbering activities going.
Our team will be back to the place tomorrow.Most of the communities in the area are accesed by spead boats.
I know you must be a good hunter.
Just take time not to do much work.Though you're working to serve humanity.
Almighty God will surely bless you.
I'll appreciate Cardigan add a Light Horse Brigade beret in the container as a souvenir.
I will send the data of the visa applicants directly to Sir Marmite Luny-Bins.
Our Child dedication thanksgiving was successful.
My wife worked all through and all the invited guests were happy.I thank God for it.We have been praying for a successful child dedication.God has finally answered our prayers.
Kindly tell Mr Barrymore to approve the Oath of Allegiance to The House Of Windsor.
Her Highness kindly instruct Cardigan to send the fertilizer.
Everything depends on you.
What is the distance between London and Edinburgh?
What is your favourite cuisine in europe exempting Great Britain?
Do you have any opinion on the role the Commonwealth will play to reduce poverty and civil strife in most of the former colonies?
Her Highness I'll be off now.
From all of us over here.
We wish you God's GuIdance ,wisdom and Joy.
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

20 mar

Dear Brant

I thank you for your message, just received, and I hope I manage to dictate this quick reply before I am off to see the Archbishop of Canterbury, discussing next week's episcopal jumble sale at the Cathedral.

Good gracious my dear chap, you do ask a lot of questions! In regards to your enquiry about preferred national cuisine, outside of traditional British fare I suppose I enjoy Irish food the most I remember how absoloutely delicious, only a few weeks ago, was the poteen and guiness I had whilst on a royal visit to Blarney. It quite cheered me up on a cold day and Sir Marmite had seconds. I also have been known to order frogs legs at the Savoy, as the chef there does a quite remarkable French menu, with absolutely none of the ridiculous franco-frippery poor old Chirac puts out at his banquets, I must say. I can't help you with the distance to Edinburgh - why on earth do you want to know? Don't you fellows have atlases? - although I am sure you can look it up. While I do, as it happens, make frequent trips to the city (to see my brother the Thane of Cawdor), this is either by plane or in more leisurely moments I just let my chaffeur take care of the mileage calculations if we need take the BMW for a jaunt.

The role of the Commonwealth is very important, as you suggest, in assisting in world peace. So many of the chappies in the former colonies have little or no idea of decent government, what with all the rioting, and scams or politicians in and out like revolving doors going on out there, all we can do to help, in our modest way, must be a good thing, don't you think? One reason why we want to see you dealt with so comprehensively.

Now, on to more important matters and I must admit I am alarmed that you have apparently not yet sent your Oath to Mr Barrymore, as he assures me that certainly none has been received. Do have the correct address for his office? Please take the time and trouble to resend it asap, as we need to get the modalities on the move now. The smell of your muck in the guards parade ground is getting quite unbrearable by the way. Only yesterday I heard how some American lady tourists almost fainted there, right in front of the sacks, after losing their way back from the changing of the guard and it took Sgt Major Rorke O'Drift all his time to get them back on their feet and off to their ghastly liittle coach park, which is right down the embankment by McDonalds. Not good for image at all, that sort of thing.

I am naturally delighted that things are do so well at your end and let us hope matters proceed just as smoothly here. Please let me know as soon as the Oath has been sent,there's a good chap as this is proving rather a fly in the ointment, don't you know.

Kind regards

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Brant Woodrow

Melodie Fenwick
Personal Assistant to Dr Joseph Kucker

How are you doing?
I am very to receive the email.
I'm still waiting for authorization from Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret Duchess of Great Tesco.
You did not respond to questions in my first email.
I'll be expecting to hear from you.
Best Wishes
Brant
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Melodie Fenwick

21 March 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow,

Thank you for your e-mail.

What questions do you wish to raise ? I am just waiting for the authorisation from Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret to send you the money which as requested will be paid in Canadian dollars to your nominated bank account.

Yours truly,
MELODIE FENWICK



Michael Montague Barrymore

March 21

To: Mr Brant Woodrow

Re: OATH OF TEMPORARY ALLEGIANCE
Woodrow Conservative Initiative
# 1SA-CNT E.R. (Elizabeth II Regis)
WHEREAS PRINCESS MARGARET has asked that I invest you with the OATH OF TEMPORARY ALLEGIANCE to the House of Windsor in this instance, I have to report this day the NON ARRIVAL of the requisite documentation. Your reply and compliance is required urgently.

Please NOTE that in the instance of said vimtos nomenclature, a prompt assignment of Oath is essential.

This note issued in full quim note of orders in council 34:419 1989,1992 pertaining.

HRH PRINCESS MARGARET is informed, our said action in abeyance as per this notification.

Yours & etc
Michael Barrymore AASA, DFC,
HER MAJESTYS COMMONWEALTH COMMISSIONER OF OATHS
2645 Gooliepully Road
Stringalonga, TOCUMWAL,NSW,2714
Phone: (02) 9298 3777
Fax: (02) 9298 3780



Brant Woodrow

Subject: HELLO HER ROYAL HIGHNESS PRINCESS MARGARET
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006

Hello Her Royal Highness
Thanks for sending the email.
I have sent the Oath Of Allegiance to Mr Barrymore on Saturday.
Tell Mr Barrymore to check his email bulk folder .
Maybe he deleted the email by error.
he should also check his trash mail folder.
I am surprised on what is happening.
Have a wonderful time.
I hope your meetng with the Archbishop of Canterbury will be fruitful
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Brant

I have had a message from Mr Barrymore and it seems that your Oath has still not arrived. If you send it again, then he will be looking for it when his office opens first thing later. Things have been busy at the Gooliepully office I know, what with the Games and whatnot, but I have asked him to give your matter the highest priority. I am advised that perhaps your original file size was too big and was bounced back? In any case, do hurry along now there's a good little fellow.

I mentioned your project and its needs to Archbishop Baldrick and he expressed great interest. He promised to include you in his prayers.

Kindest regards
MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Brant Woodrow

To: Earl of Cardigan
Subject: Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006

Tel 44 20 7414 3291

Thanks for sending the email.
I have attached some pictures for you as promised.
I was very busy with our conservation activities.
I am very happy you have the Open mind for us to become friends.
I always see soldiers as hard up and tough people.LOL
My friend will like to get the necessary information to enlist in Her Majesty's armed forces.
All the western people and lovers of world peace will always encourage the war being prosecuted by the Her majesty's armed forces ,The U.S and the coalition of other nations.Keep it up.
What is the Position of the Govenment of U.K on nations like Iran, North Korea and Syria?
Every arrangement has been made to receive the fertilizer over here.Remenber to send the shipping documents to our postal address.
Send my regards to your family and loved ones.
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Colonel James Thomas Brudenell

Dear Mr Woodrow

My thanks sir, for the delightful pictures. If you wish I can try and find some shots of the lads here on service by way of return. Not much to see, although the Argy-Bargies were good value at the time.

I have to report that your fertilizer is ready for despatch, subject to a green light from Her Majesty when we will be in a go situation. Your souvenir beret is in hand, and some of the men have added an old saddle with their own regimental scribblings of good luck & etc, hope you don't mind.

It is not really for a serving officer to comment on the military or political policies of his superiors, but I understand that it is currently characterised overall by supporting democractic regimes, the aims of NATO and the UN, as well the containment of terrorist elements, that is where called upon. Hope that answers your question sir.

As far as enlistment is concerned sir, be aware that to join us as a Private serving man you must be at least:

Under thirty years of age.
Be a British Citizen or a Commonwealth Citizen.
You must pass the Army enlistment medical; asthema, heart problems, epliepsy and colour blindness are some conditions which may exclude your entry.
Be physically fit enough to run 1.5 miles in under 12 minutes 30seconds.

I hope that helps your friend. More details can be found at http://www.armyjobs.mod.uk/ or by writing to

Arthur Wellesley,
The Duke of Wellington,
Recruitment Officer
Army Enlistment Office
1815 Waterloo Road
Marshel Blucherville
Smegaroon
URA1 GIT

Kind regards

Brudenell (Commanding)

Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM
7th Earl of Cardigan
Commander of Light Horse Brigade
Tennyson Barracks
600 Rode Inn Valley
Smegaroon, UK
UR1 GIT
Tel 44 20 7414 3291



Brant Woodrow

HELLO HER HIGHNESS
I AM REALLY SURPRISED ON WHAT'S HAPPENING.
I HAVE SENT THE OATH AND PICTURES SINCE SATURDAY AFTERNOON TO MICHAEL
MAYBE HE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO EXTEND THE HAND OF ASSISTANCE TO US.
THE MESSAGE WAS DELIVERED TO HIS EMAIL BOX.
THERE WAS NO ISSUE OF FAILURE DELIVERY.
YOU CAN STILL GO AHEAD AND SEND US ANYTHING OF ASSISTANCE.
LET US DO AWAY WITH THE OATH.
I CANNOT JOKE WITH A PERSON LIKE YOU.
Mr. BARRYMORE HAVE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER.
THANKS FOR ALL YOUR EFFORT.
HER HIGHNESS, REMENBER YOUR PROMISE.
CARDIGAN IS WAITING FOR YOUR INSTRUCTION.
I NEVER EXPECTED TO RECEIVE YOUR EMAIL THIS AFTERNOON.
HOW WAS THE MEETING WITH THE ARCHBISHOP?
HAVE A PLEASANT DAY
YOURS SINCERELY
BRANT WOODROW



HRH Princess Margaret

Mar 22

Dear Brant

I have just got back from the water polo match at St Butlins, and find not one, not two, but three messages in my in box! While I am delighted to hear from you, and appreciate how keen you are to get what is coming to you, I would appreciate it if you would keep your comments to a single detailed account. Your (largely similar) complaints are a little wearisome to have read back to one, especially if one is doing the Telegraph crossword at the same time.

Now then, I have spoken just this moment to Mr Barrymore, a very reliable member of our civil service, who assure me that he has had no Oath from you, merely a simple text message. We really need this document, old thing, if matters can proceed as we all wish. Perhaps you can send the Oath here for me to then send on to Barrymore? It would be rather a fag, but I suppose it would ensure matters are done. Please do not question his seriousness. He is just as earnest in this as I am, rest assured of that.

The meeting with the Archbishop went very well thank you, and he sends his regards.

Have you progressed any futher with the visa application you were planning by the way? I passed Sir Marmite on the tennis courts this morning and he said you or your friends had not yet made a formal application?

Kind regards

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Brant Woodrow

To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Duchess of Great Tesco
Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2006

Hello Her Highness
I have sent you the Oath of Temporary Allegiance to the House of Windsor.
The first message to Mr Barrymore was a email delivery error.
I am sorry about what happened.
Her Highness do not get annoyed with me.
I believe over time you'll get used to my style of writing.
You do not know how I regards the Royal family of Great Britain.
I respect them and appreciate all they do.
I read that Autralians respects and Like the Queen and insists the Country will not be a republic in her lifetime.
I hope everything will go on fine.
My colluegues will send the information to Sir Marmite within the Week.
We have been busy with inspection ,awareness and development over here.
Her Highness Kindly send me more pictures with the Royalties.Maybe with Prince Charles.I admire Prince Charles.
I will send more family pictures to you next week.
I Want it to be in series.My Daughter Brooke Margaret is doing very fine
Best wishes,Her Royal Highness.
Yours Sincerely
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

mar 23

Dear Mr Woodrow

Many thanks for your Oath, just received, and I have forwarded it onto Mr Barrymore. No doubt his staff will make due reply very shortly, as we all know how urgent this matter is by now. Apologies for the delay, but we can only do our best. Please let me know if there is any further delay in this business as sometimes I am a little out of the loop, having so many royal duties to attend to. I am so glad to hear that your other details will shortly be wending their way to our Sir Marmite, who has similarly been instructed to deal with you and yours as a matter of urgency.

As I recline so comfortably here in Doss House, on my chez longue, and with such a lovely view of The Barbara Windsor Gardens, I am reminded of how lucky we all are here, how we ought especially to make every aspect of life easier for those unfortunates in the former colonies. Its a sort of moral duty, one which still lays heavily upon our shoulders I feel. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, and what not. If by giving you a good sorting we can achieve our aims, at least on a small scale, then I feel that at least I have done a my little bit towards the greater good. You will forgive me if I admit that I say with this with a small tear in my eye. I feel quite fiercely that we should all act for the greater good of the planet, yes, even the bits owned by those dreadful Afghans and their vulgar mujahadins.

I shall ask our Press Officer, Lord Bovril to send over some more pictures. Something of Charles, perhaps an informal shot or two should not present too much of a problem as he and that new wife of his are often out and about. Do let me have some more of yourself and your lovely family.

Regards to you all, especially the little one

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Brant Woodrow

To: Sir Marmite
Subject: Visa application For Chukwuemeka Igwebuike and Uche Igwebuike
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2006

Hello, Goodmorning.

I have been making effort to contact our staff concerned.

Their names are 1. Mr. Chukwuemeka Chibuzo Igwebuike

2. Miss Uche Chiamaka Igwebuike

International passport number ...........................

International passport number ...........................

They intend to secure a visa for a visit in the U.K to learn how other conservation groups operate.They intend to understudy such groups so as to bring improvement to our conservation work here in Nigeria.

They intend to visit next week.

Sir Can you help make a flight reservation for them on BRITISH AIRWAYS OR VIRGIN NIGERIA AIRLINES?

We'll appreciate your little contribution.

Regards

Brant
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Sir Marmite Luny-Binns, DFC

mar 24

Dear Mr Woodrow

HRH Princess Margaret has lately briefed this department on your application.

Naturally we will be delighted to offer any assistance we can although the terms of the matter are somewhat irregular she assure me that you deserve special treatment.

In order to process your request we will need the passports of Mr. Chukwuemeka Chibuzo Igwebuike Miss Uche Chiamaka Igwebuike respectively, scanned and sent to us as soon as possible. Do they have the standard UK visa application forms already in hand? These will need to be presented at arrival to avoid delay as I expect you know. If not, I can ask our Mr Lonslo Tossov to get something over to you post haste, as I understand this is, as such, an in extempore charitable matter, and likely to fall under the philanthropic auspices of his office. His help should mean that applications can be fast tracked, but you will have to move quickly. I would do it myself, but am spread a little too thinly at the moment.

MARMITE


Charles Farnes-Barnes: Mr Henry Quelch of Bunter Travel will be delighted to arrange the tickets once the passports come through... May I suggest using the services of Strogonov Shipping to send the dung to our friend ?

Mikhail Stroganov: SIR CHARLES WE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT OPERATIVES CAN TURN OUR HANDS TO ANYTHING_FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME IF I CAN ASSIST IN GIVING THIS MUGU MORON WHAT HE DESERVES_REGARDS FROM VLADIMIR'S ON SMEGAROON ISLAND - - S


Maxwell Bygraves

March 25
Subject: OATH OF ALLEGIANCE ISSUE 17.3.2006 # 1SA-CNT E.R

dear mr woodrow

hiya, i work with mr barrymore in the office here and notice that you have not sent a photograph with ur oath, like mr B. says you have to in the standard oath form what we sent you, & which you got i am sure :

"Together with the signed document, scanned and returned to us, there should be in accompanyment a 300 dpi photograph of yourself, right hand raised."

anyhow pls can u send as soon as possible ta, as i just need that to sign off the paperwork ok. pls can u do this asap as i am working overtime as it is here at the office as it is which is a real bind and i guess u need to get this done soon as there is a lot of fuss going on about this being done quick and proper like.

cheers

max
Maxwell Bygraves
Compliance Executive
HER MAJESTYS COMMONWEALTH COMMISSIONER OF OATHS
2645 Gooliepully Road
Stringalonga, TOCUMWAL,NSW,2714
Phone: (02) 9298 3778
Fax: (02) 9298 3780



Brant Woodrow

Subject: Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco

Hello Her Highness.
I am very happy to receive the email.
I hope you're getting on fine.
Your busy schedule is for good.Almighty God will give you strenght to continue with your good works.
Kindly tell me how much we'll be expecting from you.
Is it going to be up to $18,000.00USD?
I'll be expecting to hear from the bank managers when they send it.
The money is vital to our job over here.
Some of my collueges will be in U.K Soon
The U.k High commissionrequested you send us. 1. A formal Invitation Letter to Mr Chukwuemeka Igwebuikeand Miss Uche Chiamaka Igwebuike Addressed to The Highcommission in Abuja Nigeria.
2.A bank account statement from you.[The Host]
3. Copy ofyour International passport.Kindly scan and send it through this email address.
I have also sent a email to Sir Marmite.
I believe with the documents the visa will be issued next week.
I will send more pictures to you as requested.
You are a unique lady.I have come to understand how you feel about the less priviledged.
Your role in upliftment of humanity will not go unnoticed.
May the Good Lord continue to bless you.
I'll be expecting the pictures from you.
Her Royal Highness, Did you have time to watch the ongoing CommonWealth Games in Melbourne Australia?
We have been working seriously over the weekend.The Nation of Nigeria is conducting a Census.It will end tomorrow Saturday.
My wife also extend her greetings.
from all of us over here.
We wish you God's Guidance and Protection.
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Mar 25

Dear Brant

Many thanks for your message, a pleasure to hear from you as always. The financial figure you mention seems right, but I am not sure what the exact amount will work out to be in dorks. Have our bankers not made the exact payment details clear to you? Farnes Barnes and his colleagues are usually very efficient in this matter and I would be surprised if you were not being well and truly sorted.

In regards to the High Commission, I would delighted to send them an official request as you suggest, although I am sure we can cut some corners on this infernal red tape which you have wondered into. It would be quicker if Sir Marmite calls them directly and arranges matters at his level. I am certain that he will have all the contact details at his fingertips, after all he is often sorting you third world johnnies out, what with one thing or another.

I am similarly sure that they will not need a bank statement from myself, let alone a copy of my passport, (of course we can always send something over in the diplomatic bag should the very worst come to the worst) once Sir Marmite explains matters to them, even though they have asked you for it in this first instance. So let us sort this matter out with a simple call or two from our end. Who is your contact at the consulate? Is it Mr Yusa Wanker?. At any rate, rest assured we are much above such mundane matters at this level from the start, my dear chap - one of the advantages of my position, one might say. Not only that, but I imagine security issues will preclude my own private papers being bandied around so, if you will excuse my bluntness, especially when there are easier alternatives. It may be the way things are done in the backwaters of the world, but assuredly not here.

As to your question about the Games, I did spend half an hour or so with Queen Elizabeth herself as it happens just she and I with a few footmen, in the TV room at Windsor Castle, and we thought the effort of the British men and women quite outstanding. She has a mind on the back of it to award a few gongs when they get back, after speaking the the PM of course. I would not be surprised if it happened. After all, one does like to encourage such achievements.

I am still waiting for news from Mr Barrymore as regards to your Oath. It is unlike him to be so long in confirming matters, and I assume that is the Games which keep him occupied with this and that. Rest assured, though, that as soon as matters are rubber stamped things will move promptly at this end as I know you must be just as eager to proceed as I.

Best wishes to your family and tribe

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Brant Woodrow

To: Marmite Luny-Binns
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2006

Hello Sir,Goodevening.
I am very happy to hear from you once more.
My Colleuges will send the international passport later on.
How are you doing over there?
I know you busy schedule is to uplift the GreatBritain and indeed the commonwealth.
I will kindly tell Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret to send us a formal letter of invitation.
They will secure the U.K Visa application forms next week.
The High Commission will demand an Bank account statement to back our stay over there.
They will also demand a letter of Recomendation from thour host.
How are we going to get the Flight ticket?
Sir Marmite,There are options to send the ticket to us through post.
You can also buy it online and give us the information to pick it over here.
The postal address is
Mr Chukwuemeka Igwebuike
10 Edinburgh Road Ogui New Layout
Enugu.
Enugu State Nigeria.
Sir Marmite, You're a man of honour.
We are happy to associate with you.
Shortly you'll get the international passports.
From my family and all of us over here.
We wish God's Guidance and protaction
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Sir Marmite Luny-Binns, DFC

Dear Mr Woodrow

Her Royal Highness has asked that I contact the High Commission direct as she feels this will expedite such matters. Do you have an application number and the name of the Visa Office? I can mention the names of your friends when I or my assistant calls, but a reference number will make life easier all round. I can also have the Commission issue you with the flight tickets, I imagine when the paperwork is processed, to save you a trip.

I will look into the position of the flight tickets and don't see why it shouldn't be made available to you for collection in the way you suggest. Our man Ilichy Miracsky will look after these details. He is based in Prague, but we use him as an agent for all travel permits, flight arrangements, and so on which don't involve the highest level of clearance. He will be sure to make your passage simple and easy in every regard.

Please send your passports over as soon as possible my dear chap and with none of the local delays.

MARMITE
Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC



Brant Woodrow

Date: Sun, 26 Mar 2006

Hello Her Highness
What wonderful words you sent to me.
How are you doing over there?
The request for your personal details is regretted.
Though that was the requirements from the High Commission.
Sir Marmite can discuss with the U.K High Commissioner to Nigeria Mr Campbell.
Any day I read email from you.It gives me joy.
I am always encouraged that people like you are there for us.
I have forwarded all the information to Michael BarryMore.
I am also happy you want the money to be sent as soon as all the necessary things are done.
I have not got the amount to be expected.
The Census going in Nigeria has been extended till Monday.
Our Team from WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE nearly had a Boat Mishap in the Niger Delta waters.We went for a inspection in a oil producing community.Then on return there was strong wave in the Sea.
We were saved by the speed of the speed Boat , effort of the Sailor and of course the Mercy and Protection of our lord Jesus Christ.
It happened around 5:15 p.m in the evening today, In the Bayelsa area of the Niger Delta creek.We later go help from the Federal Inland Waterway Management rescue team.
I am really happy to survive.My wife was crying when she heard the news.
v Her Highness,I am once more grateful to you.
I am still expecting the pictures.Mine will be ready next month.
It will be a huge collection for you.
Happy weekend
Best Wishes

Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

27 mar

Dear Mr Woodrow

Many thanks for your note. I am well thank you, although I am suffering somewhat from a sprained ankle gained this weekend during a particularly active bout of croquet with Sir Marmite. (It is an annual staff event here, always quite keenly fought) His team here at the palace, "The Yeaster Bunnies", are very combative I can assure you, and they were the toast of the tournament when we had done, for their hard won victory.

I will ask Sir Marmite to make contact with Mr Campbell at the High Commission, and I have every confidence that this matter can now be taken forward out to our full satisfaction. I hope that you have appreciated our hesitation at sending out such critical information in this day and age. The plain fact is that one never knows what people are around and who is listening.

Mr Barrymore's assistant has been in contact with my office, to say that they now have your photograph safely in hand which is splendid news.

I must say I was sorry to hear of your mishap at sea. It reminds of a near miss the royal party had, a while ago now, aboard our yacht the SS Lucky Lad, this while off the Smegaroon coast. An oil tanker of quite considerable size managed to creep up on us during a little drinks party I was hosting at that time, and it was only through the prompt action of Captain Stabbin, our Boatmaster, that a disaster was avoided at the last minute. He said afterwards that we were lucky not to be rear ended, something he had sadly seen before only too often. The only loss as it happened was of a silver tray of sausage rolls overboard and a little dignity.

I do apologise for not sending the promised photographs on already, it had quite slipped. I have one or two candid ones of Prince Charles which you will enjoy seeing I am sure. I have the Press Office send them up to me as soon as they are back from lunch.

Kind regards

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Brant Woodrow

To: Princess Margaret
Subject: The Oath Of Temporary Allegiance.
Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2006
870 751 5170

Hello Her Highness
Goodmorning.I Sent you the picture of Oath Taking.
Kindly forward it to Michael Barrymore.
I hope you had a nice weekend.
I watched Prince Edward preside over the closing of the Commonwealth Games.India will host the next games in NewDehli 2010.The English team came second after Host Australia in the Medals Table
I'll be going to the creeks now.
I'll be expecting to hear from you.
Best wishes
Brant woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE


[Enclosed picture of someone who looks entirely different]


HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Brant

Just to confirm that I have indeed now received your picture, and it is in the hands of Mr Barrymore for his approval. I must say that you look slightly different in this picture to the others you have sent, a bit drawn and wan. Have you been ill?

Best wishes on your important work, and I am very pleased to know that you are shortly to be up the creek.

Kind regards again

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



...still going strong in april...

Brant Woodrow

To: Lonslo Tossov
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2006

Hello GoodEvening,
I am happy to receive the email.
I want to know whether it's necessary for Uche Igwebuike and Chukwuemeka Igwebuike to buy the Visa application form over here?
They will send the international passport on thursday.
You should contact Mr Campbell the U.K Highcommissioner in Nigeria.
They will need a business class ticket.
How are we going to receive it? Can you send it through speed post?
How long will the visa application take to be concluded?
uCHE and Chukuemeka need to be in U.K possible in a forthnight
They intend to be in U.K for study on conservation.
They will require a visa with multiple entry.
Hope to get a response from you.
Regards
Brant
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Lonslo Tossov

WOODUMP_YOUR TWO FRIENDS WILL HAVE TO AT LEAST GET THE VISA APPLICATION FORMS AT THEIR END AS A START AND TO SHOW A DEGREE OF GENUINE SINCERITY AT LEAST_I IMAGINED THAT THEY ALREADY HAD THIS IN HAND???_CHECK ON THIS AS SOON AS YOU CAN AND FOR GODS SAKE CHIVVY THEM ALONG AS THIS IS ASSUREDLY NOT CHILDS PLAY SIR_AS SOON AS THEY SEND THEIR PASSPORTS THEN WE CAN GET MOVING IN TURN THIS END_SIR MARMITE WILL NO DOUBT BE SPEAKING TO THIS MR CAMPBELL ON HIS PART IN ORDER TO SPEED THINGS ALONG_AS FAR AS THE TICKETS TO TRAVEL ARE CONCERNED I HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO SUBSIDISE THIS SIDE OF THINGS AS A GESTURE OF CHARITY BUT THEIR ACTUAL ISSUE WILL BE COORDINATED BY OUR TRAVEL AGENT ILICHY MIRACKSY WHO IS BASED IN PRAGUE_HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HIM YET?_KINDLY REPLY AT ONCE AND WITH ALL THE NECESSARY CONFIRMATIONS SIR AS NEXT WEEK IS A DEADLINE FOR THIS MATTER AS I UNDERSTAND IT WHICH MEANS A GOOD DEGREE OF HASTE ON BOTH OUR PARTS TO ENSURE THE SMOOTH RUNNING OF MATTERS AND WE DO NOT WANT THIS ENDING UP LIKE SOME HALF BAKED NATIVE JAMBOREE
Lonslo Tossov
Charitable Officer
The Court of St James
Broadmoor
London FU2 GIT



Brant Woodrow

To: Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2006

Thanks for the email
I really appreciate it.
Kindly write me with a U.K Military address.
I want to have it in this email box.
You are really a soldier with a difference.
I have passed the information on enlisting to my friend.
I was told by Princess Margaret that Mr Barrymore denied the receipt of the Oath of Temporary allegiance to the House of Windsor.
i sent it to the Mr Barrymore on saturday.
I believe that is delaying Princess Margaret from giving orders to send the package.
However send me some other pictures.
I'll really appreciate it.
I may be in U.K after the easter season.
I really appreciate all your effort
God bless you
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INTITIATIVE



Colonel James Thomas Brudenell

Sir,

I am just now back from an extended training exercise and after studying signals received during my absence, am delighted to see that we have now been given a green light for commencement of your dung delivery, an undertaking we have termed Operation Gumby. The bags have been fully prepared and processed by my lads here, as previously outlined. Apologies for the delay but these SNAFUs can occur through no fault of men in the front line of things.

It has been suggested to me that these can be more easily delivered to you by air drop, rather than a slower means of delivery. As it happens we have a mercy flight or two crossing your area shortly, and I am sure that I can arrange matters at HQ given that this is a charitable donation of related concern. Would it be possible for you to give me your co ordinates to pass on to the lads in the air? Better still, if you can have your staff create a large marker in the likely drop zone that would be ideal, perhaps a large white cross on a roof top or open field?

Kindly reply with the details as soon as you can sir as the consignment is becoming increasingly awkward to store and blocks up a corner of the parade ground. Once we have your reply I will authorize the start of Gumby without delay. All being well you should see a delivery within a few days.

I am not sure what you mean by supplying you with a military address sir. Do mean in relation to your recruitment enquiries? Please bear in mind that I cannot disclose details of troop movements or regimental strength, location & etc, due to the terms of the Official Secrets Act. If you are in the UK after Easter be sure to let us know, as I am sure the lads here will give you due welcome.

Yours sincerely

Brudenell (Commanding)

Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM
7th Earl of Cardigan
Commander of Light Horse Brigade
Tennyson Barracks
600 Rode Inn Valley
Smegaroon, UK
UR1 GIT
Tel 44 20 7414 3291



Joseph Kucker

Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2006
CHAVSTER,MANFRED AND NEWMAN MERCHANT BANK
from the desk of Dr Joseph Kucker

Dear Mr Woodrow,

My colleague Melodie Fenwick informs me that Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret has now authorised the transfer of five thousand Slovakian silver dorks to your account.

Unfortunately we have not able to release the Canadian dollars from the charitable account Her Royal Highness set up in Smegaroon. However, the value of the dorks - approximately US$9,140 - should compensate you for this inconvenience.

I shall be in Lagos from 5thApril to 9 April attend a meeting of the Council of Underdevelopment Nations Transmigrification Staff. I am staying at the Federal Palace Hotel and suggest you meet me there and I will give you the cash in person. This will save a considerable amount of bank charges for us both.

Would 2.30 p.m. on April 6th be convenient ? Meet me at Reception and please bring your passport or some other means of identification.

Yours sincerely,

Joseph Kucker
Chief Cashier
Chavster, Manfred and Newman Merchant Bank International PLC
69 Blunkett Avenue
St Dunstans
London FU1 7TT



Brant Woodrow

Hello Goodmorning.
I am very happy to receive the email.
However,If the money transfer will take a lot of charges,Then send it through western Union
The information for sending the money through western union is viz
Receiver is our finance director.
Mr Joel Richard Ano
First Bank Nigeria
Enugu Branch.
Nigeria

Send the money today.We'll get it possibly today.
I am very busy in the NigerDelta area.
I have been visiting many communities in the Oil Producing area.
We are conducting a critical assesment on effects of Oil spillages in the communities.
From our observations,Most of the Oil firms do not adhere to any safety and environmental laws.
I believe conservation should be the duty of every body.
We only have one earth.We should all put hands together to save the earth.
I'll be expecting the western union transfer code.I'll be off to the creeks now.
Best wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Joseph Kucker

31 March 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow,

Alas, Western Union will not accept the transfer of golden dorks because of insurance problems with such a valuable currency.

But as I informed you, I shall be in Lagos next week and I look forward very much to meeting you at the Federal Palace Hotel.

I shall now be out of the office till Tuesday. However, if the time arranged for our meeting is inconvenient, please e-mail my assistant Melodie Fenwick at this e-mail address or telephone her on her direct line 07811320544.

Best wishes,
Joseph Kucker



Brant Woodrow

To: James Thomas Brudenell
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2006

Hello,Goodmorning.
Thanks for the email
You should send the dung through shipping.
Send the shipping documents to me.
My collueges will be in the U.K after the easter holidays.
Best wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Colonel James Thomas Brudenell

Sir

Very well. I will rearrange operational matters at this end accordingly. I know it will be somewhat disappointing to the lads, who are understandably keen to get such a pervasive consignment off and away as soon as possible.

Sir, what is the destination address for the dung? You never mentioned delivery arrangements. Will there be trucks at the other end for loading?

Incidentally it occurs to me that perhaps your colleagues may wish to take a tour of our barracks during their stay. Would that be of interest? There are quite a few aspects of historical interest, such as the authentically preserved Wellington latrine installation, and Sgt Major ORorke Drift, I am sure, would make an excellent and enthusiastic guide during their visit. He is quite an amateur military historian in his way, although let us hope in his enthusiasm for the subject he does not give you the fatigues. We could even arrange a game of snooker, shuttlecock or something with the officers later, as well as perhaps a bite to eat with the men as they settle down with their billy cans. Perhaps your colleagues could be persuaded to do a short talk to the regiment on your environmental projects? We have an adequate projector and a podium in the Mess hall, if the map of Iraq is folded away? I am sure this would be most educational, and it would soon be obvious how serious you are, giving us quite an incentive to act further.

Your sincerely
Brudenell (Commanding)

Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM
7th Earl of Cardigan
Commander of Light Horse Brigade
Tennyson Barracks
600 Rode Inn Valley
Smegaroon, UK
UR1 GIT
Tel 44 20 7414 3291



Ilichy Miracsky

Helloooo Mr Woodrows

TRAVELS IS TO UK FOR DOING DONE NOW BY ROYALS PEOPLES

I am ILICHY travels partners for HRH royal peoples. Am this fellow be asked to get sortage TWO TICCETS for onwards UK travels is visa by Sir Marmite and Mr Tossovs yes?

Please can sends all detailings of:

peoples to make comes;
flobs in need time
times of offs is airports name here
placeage
stays of length?
smokes?
visa is got now am hopes if say do much to be helps

Urge quick tells as need make sortage of this now.
Am keen to make onwards time arrange and can help queries in hope time

Kindleys regards
ILICHY

Ilichy Miracsky
Prezcedet Travelex
MIRACSKY TRAVEL WORLD
Dracziuik
czNa 345;
kop 283;
10, Prague 1, Novea 283;
SLOVAKIA
Tel-fax.: 02 / 2421 0519



Brant Woodrow

To: Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2006

Hello Goodmorning.

How are you doing?I am very happy to receive the email.

I want you to send us any brochure or history book concerning U.K ROYAL ARMED FORCES.send them along with the shipping documents to me.

The Shipping address is Woodrow Conservation Initiative
Receiver Manager.Mr Joel Ano
10 EDINBURGH ROAD ENUGU
ENUGU STATE NIGERIA.

We'll make arrangement to get trucks to convey it from the ports to the area it will be put to use.
Colonel,Kindly send me more of your picturs on Official duty and family /private pics.
My collueges will be delighed to tour Military facilities in U.K.
I'll give you more information concerning it as time goes on.
How are going to spend the weekend?
What do you think about the directive given by U.N Security Council to Iran on issue of Nuclear Enrichment?

Regards
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Colonel James Thomas Brudenell

Sir

I have made enquiry in the regimental souvenir shop. Unfortunately we don't really stock information booklets of that sort here; most of our limited stock relates just to the traditions and history of the Light Brigade, or DVDs of our water polo team. However Major Henry Quelch of the Army Publications Unit over at Fort Laramie has a range of titles which ought to be of use and I am sure he will be happy to send something along with our own dung. I will take the liberty of copying him into this note and I am sure he will be able to recommend some introductory reading for you. Unfortunately I believe he only offers authoritative titles in English and trust that you and yours are up to the task.

I have made a note of your address and have passed it to the lads labeling up the sacks. May I ask for the return of the sacks when they are finished with? They are needed in Iraq. Sir I will delighted to send on some more pictures, and will have the Sgt Mgr a look in the regimental files and see what can be provided as suitable. I am sure that I will some family shots which you will enjoy seeing.

Let me know the names of your friends and I will ensure that passes are made available at the barracks checkpoint or they can be couriered. Please ensure that you advise them emphatically to have these documents in valid condition before entering the parade ground, barracks & etc else they may be impounded and interrogated as suspicious aliens, what with their likely appearance when they arrive and we would not want that. Last year a similar party from the Gambia was somewhat brusquely incarcerated in the guard house for 30 minutes before we discovered they had only come to view our trophy room.

It is very kind of you to enquire about my weekend, sir. After the busy few days at the war games last week I may spend some time with my service colleague Lt Bromhead VC clay pigeon shooting out in Hyde Park. Either that or I shall spend time in the mess, relaxing with the other commissioned officers over some of our vintage port.

Sir I am familiar with the directive you mention but cannot in all conscience comment on it as I have not studied this paperwork. My interests to be honest fall more into the category of horse riding, military strategy, the daily requirements of light horsemen and their mounts, and of course our mess snooker league.

I remain sir,
Brudenell (Commanding)



Brant Woodrow

To: Lonslo Tossov
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2006

Hello,Goodmorning.

The International passportof Mr Chukwuemeka Igwebuike will be scanned and sent tomorrow.
The second one will be sent later.
We are not joking or playing.All of us are busy over here.
We intend to get things in order.Expect the international passport tomorrow

Regards
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Lonslo Tossov

WOODRUNT_I AM RELIEVED TO HEAR IT SIR AND LOOK FORWARD TO RECEIVING SAME WITHOUT MUCH MORE ADO_THE SOONER THIS PAIR ARE DEALT WITH THE SOONER THIS WHOLE MATTER CAN BE CONCLUDED TO THE SATISFACTION OF THIS OFFICE AND THAT OF HRH I CAN ASSURE YOU_KINDLY ENSURE THE PASSPORTS ARE ABSOLUTELY OF GOOD QUALITY AS IT WILL BE HARD TO VOUCH FOR THE ACCEPTANCE OF CHEAP ITEMS OF NATIVE MANUFACTURE

T



Brant Woodrow

To: James Thomas Brudenell
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2006

Hello Goodevening.
How are you doing?
You're really a nice military man.
You are indeed a military man with a civilian touch.
Tell Major Henry Quelch to send any military publication of interest.
Send it through postal and along with the Invation to the military Light Brigade Post.
The name of my visiting collueges are Miss Uche Chiamaka Igwebuike and Mr. Chukwuemeka Igwebuike.You is to issue the passes.send it through Courier.
They will really enjoy the outing with the Military.
They will also educate the Men on Conservation.
I'll be expecting the pictures from you.
GoodNight
Have a pleasant weekend

Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Colonel James Thomas Brudenell

Sir,

I have received your orders as far as the consignment is concerned and will see that they are carried out. I also now attach some more pictures as you requested. I hope you find them of interest. Please ensure that they are not reproduced elsewhere, shown to tribe and whatever, as in some cases the copywrite is with the War Department here, and I am not able to clear the rights for wider distribution, if only for security reasons.

The pictures variously show myself out of uniform relaxing in the officer's Mess,



at my desk,



with another taken a while ago with my late mother while on leave in Algeria,



there is also one of the men of the regiment on horseback recently whilst out on patrol in Smegaroon,



and a last one showing our parade ground.



If you can imagine your consignment heaped to the left of this viewpoint it will give you some idea of the visual impairment the dung sack heap currently brings to this historic zone.

Sir I will instruct Major Quelch to make up a list of suggested titles from which you may wish to make a selection. What is the reading standard you required? Do you have special needs?

I have noted the names of Miss Uche Chiamaka Igwebuike and Mr. Chukwuemeka Igwebuike and given them to the Pass Officer Marion Morrison. Once I have their identities authenticated I or he will be pleased to send on the passes. Should it be to a separate address than the one we have already. Also can you make it clear to Miss Uche that she is on no account to flirt or distract with those of my men on guard duties & etc. Without wishing being too blunt, sir, I must say that I have had experience of native girls while on active service in your part of the world, and they can make their favours all too apparent with men of the regiment, hoping you grant me permission to make this observation sir.

I remain,
Brudenell (Commanding)



Brant Woodrow

To: Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC
Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2006

Hello Her Highness.
Goodmorning,I've not heard from you for long.
I am happy you have finally approved the payment to us.
Joe Kucker Mentioned $9000.00USD, how much exactly was supposed to get to us?

God Almighty will continue to bless you.
How about your official and private activities?
You are really a great lady.I have never in my life met a person like you.
You are a giver of hope andas solid as a rock. LOL

Joe Kucker has refused to send the money meant for us.

His reasons for delays is meaningless.I told him to send the money,Delaying will jeopardise our conservation work over here.
Her Highness Kindly Tell him to send the money to us through the account as you directed earlier.
Joe Kucker should not stand in our way.What is meant to us should begiven us.

Her Highness,Two of my collueges will beU.K soon.

They have been waiting to hear from me.They are working in the other part of the creek.Due to the distance and difficult terrain here in the NigerDelta Creeks it is difficult to reach them on phone on a daily basis.However their international passports will be sent over the weekend.They are really committed to conservation in the NigerDelta.

Her Highness,Kindly instruct Joe Kucker to send the money to us.

I'll be meeting with a group of Geology and Mining Studentsfrom a University over here.They intend to visit the oil producing community along with our team.Our team are conversant with the terrain.So we have to assist them reach their destination.I will be busy today and tomorrow.Though I'll be free on sunday.Her Highness kindly send your direct contact phone.I want to speak with you and hear your voice.

My main concern is to receive the money.I will send the pictures promised over next week.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Brant

I have just popped back into the royal apartments to change into something for tonights ball in honour of Sir Bruce Forsythe, the new ambassador to Mozambique, and wanted to reply while my ladies-in-waiting were still off ironing the lace filigrees on my gown. These fancy silk and lace affairs are so bothersome and one must long minutes before they are prepared and the right jewellery is brought down.

I must say that I am alarmed that you haven't yet had your money. Mr Kucker has our complete authority and utter confidence in these matters. To be honest I don't have much direct contact with the money side of things (finance and all that sort of what not is so terribly vulgar, don't you think?) but I would imagine that any delay is caused by some sort of imbroglio created at your end. Is everything running as smoothly as it might? You may want to pop off my dear chap and double check that all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed in this matter. I know for a fact that Mr Tossov is somewhat concerned by your slowness (a view he expressed in somewhat forthright terms terms when I bumped into him in chapel this morning, and it quite spoilt the Ave Maria for me, I must say) and also Mr Miracsky is doing his best to get some flight tickets off to you, but still has not heard back from you with the expected information to speed things right along. Is that right?

Any how, if there if there is anything more I can do, please do not hesitate to ask, I am eager to see you well and truly sorted.

I hope the oil thingy goes well.

best wishes
MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Lonslo Tossov

WOODHEAD_I CAME INTO THE OFFICE HERE ON YOUR SAY SO HOPING TO FIND THE PROMISED PASSPORTS AND THE REST_THIS ON MY DAY OFF TOO WHEN I SHOULD BE FISHING FOR BREAM IN THE RIVER FLEET I HASTEN TO ADD_AND NOW DISCOVER A COMPLETE LACK OF NEWS FROM YOUR END LET ALONE EXPLANATION OR APOLOGY FOR THIS WHOLE MESS_FOR GODS SAKE MAN WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE??_WHY CAN YOU NOT JUST SEND WHAT YOU HAVE PROMISED WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL_IF YOU THOSE TWO HOPEFULS OF YOUR GANG PLAN TO MAKE A VISIT TO THE UK SIR THEN WILL NEED TO ACT LESS LIKE A MORIBUND MUPPET AS NOW AND MORE LIKE SOMETHING USEFUL IN THIS WHOLE ENERVATING ENTERPRISE_I AM GOING OUT NOW AND HOPE TO SEE SOMETHING MORE PROMISING FROM YOU ON MONDAY OR YOUR LOT WILL BE CONSIDERABLY DELAYED IN THEIR VISIT THROUGH NO FAULT OF THIS DEPARTMENT_SPECIAL TREATMENT PROMISED OR NOT_ I CAN ASSURE OF THAT T


Brant Woodrow

To: Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC

Hello Her Highness.

GoodAfternoon.I know you had a great wekeend.
I am happy to hear from you once more.
Mr Kucker has refused to send the money to me.
I gave him my name and told him to send the money directly to me.
I willl make out time from my busy schedule to go to the bank and collect the money.
Her Highness Kindly tell him to send the money to me.This money issue has taken time. The delays is totally on the part of Mr. Kucker.
I am happy about the new British Ambassador to Mozambique.
I will send more detailed email tomorrow.
My main concern is to receive the money.
My collueges coming to U.K will send their passports this week.
My wife also send her regards.
Our team at theWOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE also wish you well.
Best wishes
Brant Woodrow



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Mr Woodrow

How splendid to hear from you again; I must say it quite brightened up my day this morning having your message read out to me over my accustomed cucumber and smoke salmon sandwiches. It is kind of you to keep me up to date on the frustrations you are experiencing, as one in my position can be so much out of the loop on these matters. One puts the office johnnies on the case and then rather hopes for the best in the face of other duties here and there, but sometimes things do not turn out for the best despite good intentions.

Now, I have had my staff check with Mr Tossov, Sir Marmite, and our bankers about the whole business we have in hand here, being worried that our charitable commitments are still not being met, and it does seem that we are not entirely at fault. It certainly appears that there have been some issues revolving around absenteeism and illness at their end, all very unfortunate, which have slowed things down considerably. But, as I mentioned in the last message I dictated out to you, at least as I understand it here, there are some elements which still remain outstanding from your end which will, upon receipt, enable the whole matter to move forward. I am talking passports, travel itineraries, money transfer arrangements etc. Mr Kucker cannot be expected to do everything, especially, if I may put it bluntly, in the face of some native intransigence, perhaps by yourself, other members of your tribe and what not.

Naturally if I can do anything to speed things along at this end, then I will most be happy to do so, as one so hopes that things can be sorted out quickly enough. I have asked Mr Tossov to remain patient as I feel sure that your problems are surely only temporary, but if your colleagues intend to travel to the UK urgently, then it will be best that you action matters at once as we cannot guarantee matters for very much longer. To be frank we were planning little surprises for them, like accommodation in Broadmoor, one of our most prestigious institutions, while they stayed over and this could be in jeopardy. They would be mad to lose this opportunity. So please hurry your contacts along, there's a good chap, and let us make progress now without further ado.

On a happier note, please tell me more about your little enterprise in which I have great interest. I am so glad to hear of your programme in respect of the environment as all these fumes are ghastly. Some related moves are afoot here you will be pleased to hear. For instance, I believe that the Queen may shortly purchase an electric buggy or two to transport her and her retinue when needs be from East to West reception halls here at the Palace.

Anyway that is all the news and views from here for now, but hope to hear from you again with some good news.

Warm regards
Margaret



Brant Woodrow

To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Duchess of Great Tesco
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2006

Hello Her Highness.
Good Afternoon.
I am really happy to hear from you once more.
I want to give you information on my arrangement.
Joseph Kucker will be in Nigeria from 5th to 9th April.
He will be coming for a conference for underdeveloped nation as a U.K Representative
Her Highness ,Are you aware if this?
Earl of Cardigan has finally agreed to send the fertilizer.
Mr Tossov is waiting to receive the passport.
Hopefully it will be sent this week.
I regret the delays.
I will always keep you informed.
Her Highness Kindly give me your direct contact phone.
I will keep it confidential.
I will send you a detailed mail about the conservation programme.
best wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Brant

It seems as if things are moving forward again. I am pleased and will be sure to mention it to Her Majesty during our shuttlecock game together this evening.

Yes, now that you mention it, I do seem to remember something about Mr Kucker's travels in the third world with this and that. I am sure you will have a lot in common.

Kindly hurry along with the rest of it and let us get this deal done. I can't stop to write more I have an appointment with Fred West, our Human Resources director here.

Please send the details about your little programme I am keen to learn more, perhaps some pictures of your lads hewing trees, looking for oil and what not?

Kind regards
MARGARET



Lonslo Tossov

WOODRUNT FOR GODS SAKE MAN LET ME HAVE THESE WRETCHED PASSPORTS WITHOUT DELAY SIR_ I HAVE HRH ON THE PHONE ASKING WHAT IS HAPPENING EVERY DAY IT SEEMS AND YET YOURE ABOUT AS USELESS AS A CHOCOLATE TEAPOT_ LETS HAVE SOME PRACTICAL MOVEMENT OUT OF YOUR CONSTIPATED BUSINESS END AND AT ONCE IF YOU PLEASE AS I AM SORELY PRESSED FOR TIME NOW IN REGARDS TO THE SCHEDULE


Brant Woodrow

Hello Melodie
Thanks for sending the email.
Kindly tell Joseph Kucker to send his flight schedule.
He should tell me about the Programme.
Maybe he has to fly down to Enugu.
I'll want him to have a fill of our conservation job.
Tell him to call me in Nigeria on 08036743028.
Since he has concluded to visit Nigeria.
Is he coming because of me or a entire different project?
My collueges might be travelling back to U.K with him.
Her Royal Highness invited them.
They Mr Chukwuemeka Igwebuike and Uche Igwebuike.
I hope he'll enjoy his stay over here.
I wish him safe journey
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Melodie Fenwick

4 April 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow,

Thank you for your e-mail.

In answer to your queries, Dr Kucker flew out to Lagos this morning to attend a meeting of the Council of Underdeveloped Nations Trusts of which he is the UK representative.

He will be happy to come to Enugu on Saturday April 8th. As he will be very busy until Friday afternoon, I suggest you call him at the Federal Palace Hotel, Lagos or you can use his mobile number which has been programmed for international roaming. It is 0906 6611911.

Alternatively you can e-mail me when it would be convenient for Dr Kucker to meet you in Enugu. I presume there are several flights from Lagos that he could take. However, he must return to Lagos on Sunday to catch his flight back to the UK. It would be most helpful if you could book him a room in a good hotel in Enugu [he will of course reimburse you for any booking fee].

Incidentally, I am pleased to inform you that your dorks will be changed into US dollars by Dr Kucker in Lagos and he will have $9,375 for you - possibly ten dollars more or less depending on any movement in the exchange rate.

Yours truly,
Melodie Fenwick
CHAVSTER,MANFRED & NEWMAN MERCHANT BANK INC
By Royal Appointment to HRH Princess Margaret, Duchess of Great Tesco



Brant Woodrow

To: Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2006

Hello GoodEvening.
I really appreciate the email.
How are you doing over there?
The pictures were excellent.
The parade ground is simply fantastic.
Though I did't receive any family,private or personal pictures.
Colonel,Kindly Send the passes to the same address to Uche Chiamaka Igwebuike and Chukwuemeka chibuzo Igwebuike.
I have informed Uche about your warning.
She will be cautious when in area.
Give them all the necessary assistance.
I really need a DVD concerning any topic on contemporary U.K Army.
Send them through postal along with the pass.
I'll also be expecting the Fertilizer shipping documents.
Regards
best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Sgt. Major Rorke O'Drift

SIR COL BRUDENELL IS WAR GAMING AT THE MOMENT FOLLOWING LAST NIGHTS ORDERS AND CANNOT RESPOND TO YOUR DESPATCH DUE TO COMMUNICATION PRIORITIES. IF I CAN BE OF HELP SIR I WILL DO MY BEST SIR BUT MANY OF THE MEN ARE OFF BARRACKS FOR THE OPERATION AND MY REINFORCEMENTS ARE CURRENTLY LIMITED, SIR. WE STILL HAVE YOUR DUNG HERE IS DUE FOR REMOVAL AS PER ORDER SHORTLY SIR TRUST THIS IS STILL THE PLAN OF ACTION SIR. AM EXPECTING COL AND REST OF MEN BACK TOMORROW ETA GMT 0800 HOURS CAN THIS MATTER WAIT SIR? AWAIT YOUR REPLY. OVER.

SGT MAJOR RORKE O'DRIFT


SERGEANT MAJOR
THIS IS EXCELLENT WORK_I COMMEND YOU_STANDING BY IF YOU NEED HELP_I WORK FOR THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT OF THE FOREIGN OFFICE BUT SPENT 35 YEARS IN THE RED ARMY AND LATTERLY THE KGB_AT YOUR SERVICE IF NEED BE - - S



Brant Woodrow

SGT MAJOR RORKE O'DRIFT

Hello ,Thanks for the email
I really appreciate your effort to write.
How are you doing? Maybe make out time to write me directly.
We can as well develop the friendship.
Iwish Colonel James Thomas Brudenell well in the Military exercise.
Indeed The U.K is the most disciplined in the world.
My colluegues from the Woodrow Conservation Initiative will be in the U.K soon.
Kindly give them any necessary assistance.Send me some of your pictures.
Regards.
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Sgt. Major Rorke O'Drift

SIR VERY KIND OF YOU TO WRITE BACK SIR UNFORTUNATELY THE COLONEL HAS BEEN FURTHER DELAYED BY THE COURSE OF HIS DUTIES SIR DUE TO SOME EQUIPMENT FAILURES AND MAY BE A LITTLE TIRED WHEN HE RETURNS FROM THE EXERCISE WITH THE MEN SIR. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU FRIENDS MAY BE PAYING US HERE IN THE BARRACKS A VISIT SHORTLY SIR THAT WILL BE AN HONOUR AND I HOPE YOU WILL PERMIT THE MEN AND I TO GIVE THEM THE TRADITIONAL WELCOME WHEN THEY DO SIR IT IS ONLY A LITTLE FUN BUT THEY SHOULD WEAR THEIR OWN CLOTHES SIR AND TELL US IF THEY ARE ALLERGIC TO TAR OR FEATHERS. SIR I AM NOT SURE WHICH PICTURES YOU REFER TO I HAVE SOME TAKEN WHEN ON DUTY AROUND THE WORLD WHICH MAY BE OF INTEREST OR PERHAPS SOMETHING OF THE LIFE HERE AT CAMP SHOWING THE HOSTORIC LATRINES SIR? I AM NOW STANDING BY HERE WAITING TO HEAR OF COL BRUDENELLS NEW ETA SIR AND WILL ADVISE ACCORDINGLY TRUST YOU AND YOU TRIBE ARE WELL SIR OVER

SGT MAJOR RORKE O'DRIFT
PP
Colonel James Thomas Brudenell DSM



Brant Woodrow

Hello Her Highness.
I am happy for your kind response.
We'll meet with Dr. Kucker in Nigeria.
I also want you to mention about woodrow conservation Initiative to Her Majesty and Prince Charles. I know they will support us.
Hopefully I will gather some pictures of our work and send to you.
Her Highness, You are really nice to us.Kindly make out timefrom your busy schedule to call me on phone.I will really appreciate it.
Her Highness ,Do you have any website where I can read more about you and other Royalty in Great Britain?
I have told my collueges about the need to hasten the visa processing.
Though all of us has been busy lately.
Her Highness ,Can you help send ussome Digital Camera Recorder and Laptop Computers,It is handy and will be easier to move around with
We'll really need it to document our work for posterity.
We'llreally appreciate the effort.

Remain Blessed
Yours Sincerely
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Brant

Thank you for you message, I have taken to reading out selected passages of yours to the staff here during the morning instructionals and they find much of what you are up to inspiring, I am sure.

Mr Kucker, as I understand it should be with you shortly, so please ensure that you retain a level of decorum with the fellow and that he is given a reception, one suitable to the high regard in which he is held by us. I believe for instance that he is a strict vegetarian and should not be offered the usual native fare just plonked down on a bloody platter if you follow me.

Please remind me of your phone number and I will see if I can find time to make a call. It will be nice to speak person to person so to speak, although to be frank I have found making sense through a thick native accent can a problem. One so misses the nicities of chat in all the jibber jabber and what not.

Now about the website you ask about. We are not sure exactly what you need, is it the main tourist site for Buckingham Palace for instance? I know that Sir Marmite has a small page of his own but which other one to recommend in general is problematical. If you can advise on the need you have I will try and find something suitable.

You mention a lap top and other equipment. I imagine we can try and help you out if we have a better idea of your requirements, perhaps on a lease to loan basis or something. Our man here for this task is the Thane of Cawdor, one of our privvy councillors who handles the IT side and what not here for us at the palace. His wife used to do it, but she ended up washing her hands of the whole business after a virus scare last year. Shall I ask him to get in contact with you directly?

I must dash now, I have another busy day. It is the House of Lords dodge ball competition this week, and I yet have to locate 2 dozen ermine trimmed tracksuits of suitable quality.

Kind regards
MARGARET



Chukwuemeka-Chibuzo Igwebuike

<igwebuikechukwuemeka@yahoo.com> wrote:

Dear Melodie Fenwick.
Brant has told me about you and Dr Joseph Kucker.
I am very happy to write you.
I am expecting to get in contact with Dr. Kucker.
I will be in Enugu on thursday.We have been busy at the creeks in Bayelsa state.I am really surprised that Dr. Kucker will be in Enugu.
He has really delayed our journey to U.K
Hopefully he will give the money to us on saturday.
I will contact him on a phone that Mr Brant has given to me.
What does Kucker like over here? I can easily make arrangement to pick him at the Enugu Airport ,take him to the best Hotel around and let him catch fun while in the Coal city.
have a wonderful day
Yours Sincerely
Mr Emeka Igwebuike

Mr. Chukwuemeka Igwebuike.
Enugu Nigeria.
A Healthy and Prosperous world is to the Glory of God.



Melodie Fenwick

5 April 2006

Dear Mr Igwebuike,

Thank you for your e-mail. I have already informed Mr Woodrow that Dr Kucker is at present in Lagos at the Federal Palace Hotel. He wants to visit Enugu as his old friend from Oxford University days, Mr Christopher Ojokwu, hails from that part of your country.

The last time Dr Kucker was in Enugu he stayed at the Hotel Presidential but I am sure he is quite happy to leave the hotel reservation in your capable hands.

As I told Mr Woodrow this morning, Dr Kucker has US$9,666 for your project as a gift from Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret, Duchess of Great Tesco.

Yours sincerely,
Melodie Fenwick
CHAVSTER, MANFRED & NEWMAN MERCHANT BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC



Brant Woodrow

TOSSOV

Hello
THANKS FOR THE EMAIL
DO NOT GET ANNOYED WITH ME.
MY COLLUEGES WILL CONTACT YOU WITHIN THE WEEK.
WE'RE EXPECTING TO CONCLUDE THE ASSIGNMENT WE HAVE AT HAND. IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT.
DO NOT TAKE OUR SILENCE AS BEING UNSERIOUS.
I HAVE TO HER ROYAL HIGHNESS ABOUT IT.
DO NOT LOSE YOU PATIENCE WITH US.
ONCE MORE THANKS FOR THE UNDERSTANDING
REGARDS
BRANT WOOODROW



Lonslo Tossov

FOR GODS SAKE JUST GET ON WITH IT MAN
T



Brant Woodrow

Hello Melodie Fenwick
Thanks for sending the email.
I am very happy.
My collueges Miss Uche Igwebuike and Mr. Chukwuemeka will make arrangement to welcome him.
He should feel at home in Nigeria.My collueges will make a reservation at the best Hotel in Enugu.
I am very busy in the creeks.
Tell Joseph Kucker to call me on 08036743028.
Ask him if we have to make other arrangement for him
The number you gave is difficult to reach.
Maybe he has to get a new phone on arrival in Nigeria.
Try to reach him and give him my number.
Miss Uche will contact him later on.
I hope his trip was fascinating.
Is this his first time of being in Nigeria?
I am expecting to hear from him.
Best Wishes
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Melodie Fenwick

4 April 2006

Dear Mr Woodrow,

In answer to your questions, if you are having a problem with Dr Kucker's personal mobile telephone, this is because he is at this very moment flying to Nigeria!

You should be able to contact him directly this evening after 8.00pm Nigerian time. If there is still a problem your Miss Uche should call him at the Federal Palace Hotel tel: 01 261 0464 or 0134.

Dr Kucker was last in Enugu in 1996 and I believe he stayed at the Hotel Presidential. I know he is looking forward to meeting you and your colleagues.

Yours sincerely,
Melodie Fenwick
CHAVSTER,MANFRED & NEWMAN MERCHANT BANK INTERNATIONAL



Brant Woodrow

Hello Melodie Fenwick
Thanks for the email.
It is already Night in Nigeria.
Did you reach Dr. Kucker?
Has he arrived safely in Nigeria?
I will make effort to call him in the morning.
Mr Chukwuemeka Igwebuike will meet him.
They will make effort to make a reservation at TopRank Hotel or Hotel Presidential.
I will be expecting your response in the morning.
Goodnight.
Brant Woodrow



Melodie Fenwick

Dear Mr Woodrow,

Yes, Dr Kucker is now in Nigeria at the Federal Palace Hotel although I believe he may stay tonight with his old friend from Oxford University Mr Christopher Ojukwu who is now a leading economics advisor to the Nigerian Government.

If he is not at the Hotel, you may leave a message for him at the Reception Desk.

I can now confirm that Dr Kucker has US$9,666 for your project.

Yours sincerely,
Melodie Fenwick
CHAVSTER, MANFRED & NEWMAN MERCHANT BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC



Chukwuemeka-Chibuzo Igwebuike

Good Evening.
May the Good lord protect and Guide the Royalty in U.K
I am mr Chukwuemeka Igwebuike.
Mr Brant Woodrow gave me your email address.I want to familiarise myself with you.
Brant has told me every effort you've made to support the conservation work over here.
I have planned to be in U.K along with Uche to get some information and training concerning conservation .
Brant has told me about your magnanimity to host us and do the visa processing.It is really marvellous and unbelievable.
I have been assigned to meet Dr. Kucker.
Hopefully he should be in Nigeria today.He will be coming with the much awaited funds from you.God bless you for the effort.
I hope Dr. Kucker is a nice man.I will make out time to take him around the Coal city.
I like the Royal family especially Her Majesty ,Queen Elizabeth,Prince Charles ,Harry and Edward.
We promise to utilise the funds.
Bye Her Highness
Yours
Mr Igwebuike

Mr. Chukwuemeka Igwebuike.
Enugu Nigeria.
A Healthy and Prosperous world is to the Glory of God.



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Mr Igwebuike

How splendid to hear from you. I am sure that you will get out of your meeting with Mr Kucker everything that you surely deserve. Please give him my regards and enquire as to how his flight was, as I know he was nervous about making the trip. I am sure he will appreciate a real native welcome with plenty of colour if you know what I mean; if you can arrange some dancers or perhaps a introduction to your chief and his harem (although please do not press any of your female relatives upon him Mr Kucker is a strict presbytarian), then so much the better in breaking the ice?

Kindly keep me informed as to how matters turn out and if we can be of any further assistance. Mr Tossov, our charitable officer, has asked me kindly to remind you about the supply of passports and what not for which he has urgent expectation. He is slightly ill ease, he confesses, about these matters and would appreciate a quick response.

Kind regards
MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco



Brant Woodrow

Hello Her Highness
Good Morning.
I am happy to hear from you once more.
I am writing from Akwa Ibom state , a oil producing community .
The area has a lot of rain forest.We got a case a rare Spagarus Monkey breed.
Hunters and villagers has been depleting the population over the years.
The breed is extinct in the Amazon and could only be found in the NigerDelta
We are teaching them on the need to spare the monkeys.

I have delegated Mr Igwebuike to Meet Dr. Kucker.
I trust they will give him a warm reception.
Her Highness ,Kindly tell The Thane of Cawdor to contact me directly.
I want a set of recording and communication equipments.
It can be on a lease basis.It should include recording equipments like Video camera recrder,Digital recoders and Cameras.
Communication equipment like fax machine and Vsat and Internet equipments.
I want to use it to cordinate our workers through our Corporate office in Enugu.
I will work out the terms with The Thane of Candor.
Her Highness you can always call me on 2348036743028.
I want a website that focuses on the History of the Royal family in Great Britain and possibly get some pictures.
My Collueges coming to the U.K will send their international passport to Mr Tossov over the weekend.
Have a wonderful day Her Highness.
Yours Sincerely
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Brant

Many thanks for your message. Perhaps you will pardon me if I admit that, next after my bubble bath and matins each morning here in our lovely Bernard Manning Chapel, I most look forward to hearing from you and about your little projects, trees and what not.

Now as for the delay in sending the passports to Mr Tossov, this is slightly unfortunate and will hold up the visas I imagine, so do what you can. I know that our Charitable Officer has a philanthropic nature but does finds himself somewhat tested by delay.

I shall ask around here and see what website we can recommend. I am sure that there will be one which will not be too demanding for you, with simple text.

Lord Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor, our Master of the Electricals here will no doubt be in contact shortly. He will be keen to find out your requirements no doubt. After all, he often says to me in such situations, that if it were done when it is done, then it were well it were done quickly. I am sure you will concur.

Kind regards
MARGARET



Macbeth

Mr Woodrow

As it is my honour to be Master of Electricals for the House of Windsor, it falls to me to consider your requirements which I believe you have outlined.

I will need some more detailed technical specifications as to the exact equipment required as those which HRH Margaret has sent on to me are rather sparse. I shall then look in our stores for refurbished models at least in the first instance. For instance, what is the voltage where you are? 240v, 110v or some irregular native current? Either myself or my assistant Duncan King will then respond

. I trust that you are able to provide the details, without making much of a drama out of this.

Regards
MACBETH
His Excellency The Thane of Cawdor
Master of the Electricals
69 Bard Street
Birnham Wood,
Dunsinane
Scotland
U1T WAT



Melodie Fenwick

Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2006

Dear Mr Igwebuike,

Dr Kucker can be contacted directly on his private mobile number which has been set to receive calls from all over the world. It is 0906 6611911.

Yes, I have spoken to him and he is waiting for you or Mr Woodrow to contact him. If his private line is busy call him at the Federal Palace Hotel, Lagos. If he is unavailable speak to his personal assistant Mr Mike Cocksmall.

Yours sincerely,
MELODIE FENWICK
CHAVSTER,MANFRED & NEWMAN MERCHANT BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC



Chukwuemeka-Chibuzo Igwebuike

Hi Melodie
Thanks for the email
I will contact Dr. Kucker today.
How did you know about Nigeria so well?
I will make sure Dr. Kucker is happy whenever he's around.
Do you have any diurect contact phone to reach Dr. Kucker?
Have you spoken with him?
Regards
Yours Faithfully
Mr Chukwuemeka Igwebuike



Brant Woodrow

Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2006

Hello SGT MAJOR RORKE O'DRIFT
How are you doing?
I really appreciate the email.
I wish Earl of Cardigan will be back to send the consignment.
You should send some private pictures and pictures from military service.
My friends are not allergic to anything
I really appreciate the email.
have a wonderful day
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



Sgt. Major Rorke O'Drift

GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR_I HAVE BEEN IN CONTACT WITH COL BRUDENELL SIR DURING THE BREAK IN RADIO SILENCE AND HIS WAR GAMES CAMPAIGN HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT ONE LONG RIDE INTO TROUBLE FOR HIM AND ALSO THE 600 OF OUR LADS WITH HIM SIR_ALSO IT APPEARS THAT WEATHER WAS BAD WHICH DID NOT HELP MATTERS AND THEN THEY FACED SOME OPPOSITION DURING THE MOCK BATTLE WITH CANONS TO THE LEFT OF THEM AND CANONS TO THE RIGHT OF THEM I HEARD SIR_HOWEVER TO BRING THIS REPORT ROUND TO THE POINT SIR EXCUSE THE TARDINESS IN DOING SO BUT I MUST REPORT TO YOU THAT A STRAY FLARE DURING NIGHT OPERATIONS CAUGHT THE COLONEL UNAWARES AND GAVE HIM A SLIGHT CONCUSSION JUST BELOW THE HELMET LINE SIR WHICH MEANS HE MAY BE OFF DUTY FOR A DAY OR SO IN THE FIELD MED STATION SIR I TRUST THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE TOO INCONVENIENT AS I KNOW YOU ARE WAITING FOR THE DUNG DISPERSAL TO BE PUT IN MOTION AS ARE WE ALL HERE REMAINING AT BARRACKS SIR

I WILL HAVE A LOOK SIR AND SEE WHAT I CAN SEND SAFELY FROM MY PRIVATE PHOTOS SIR SOME FROM ACTIVE SERVICE MAYBE BUT I WILL NOT INCLUDE ANYTHING TOO BLOODY SIR AS I KNOW YOU AND YOURS WILL SURELY NOT WANT TO SEE HEADS AND ARMS LAYING ALL OVER THE BLOODY SHOP OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT SIR TRUSTING THIS IS AN ADEQUATE RESPONSE TO YOU INSTRUCTION SIR OVER

SGT MAJOR O'RORKE DRIFT



Chukwuemeka-Chibuzo Igwebuike

To: Princess Margaret
Subject: From Mr Emeka Igwebuike
Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2006

Hello Her Highness.
I am very happy to hear from you.My contact with you is a blessing.
I am ready to send the international passport along with Uche to Mr Tossov.
I will reach him shortly.
I will reach Dr Kucker today to get the funds on behalf of WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE.
Over here we are grateful for your effort.I am also going to meet you soon.
I have always planned to be in U.K .
Great Britain is our colonial masters.We always look up to them for positive things in life.
I will write more later on.
Hope to hear from you.
Regards
Mr Emeka Igwebuike



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Mr Enema Igwebuike

Many thanks for your note and nice remarks. I do hope things go well in your little country and you soon get what you deserve from us. When you see Mr Kucker, assuming you have not done so already, kindly give him our regards.

Best wishes
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco,



Brant Woodrow

April 6

Hello Her Highness
Goodafternoon
We could not reach Dr. Kucker.
Kindly make enquiry about his whereabouts in Nigeria.
He is supposed to be at The Federal Palace Hotel Lagos.
The Customer service said no person with such name ever visited.
Hope to hear from you.

Yours Sincerely
Brant Woodrow
WOODROW CONSERVATION INITIATIVE



HRH Princess Margaret

Dear Brant

I must admit this message came as rather of a surprise. I was in fact half way out of the door to this evenings much anticipated reception for the Royal Smegaroon Dance Troop (recently back from a sell out tour in Siberia) when I find this alarming communication. I do so hate having to wake the servants just dictate a few lines back, but there it is I suppose.

Now then. I am amazed that you have not yet encountered Mr Kucker. I do hope that this is not some sort of prank on your part. I am waiting to hear back from my staff as to Mr Kucker's confirmed whereabouts and his exact room number, as I was assured he was indeed staying in that hotel. Are you sure that you are at the right place? I know in the dark out there it can be hard to locate places and what not.

In any case I hope to have matters of his locale confirmed shortly, and no doubt in any case you will have better news for me. I am sure this is just a slight mix up.

Kind regards
MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco,



Brant Woodrow

Subject: WHAT IS HAPPENING
Date: Sat, 08 Apr 2006

Hello Her Highness
I am surprised on your silence.
read the email below



Melodie Fenwick

To: "Chukwuemeka-Chibuzo Igwebuike"
7 April 2006

Dear Mr Igwebuike,

I regert to inform you that Dr Kuckerwas taken to the IagoSmart Hospital, Victoria Island, Lagos on Wednesday night. It appears he was riding in a taxi which was hi-jacked and his briefcase, wallet, watch and other personal items were stolen by the robbers who also hit him over the head with an iron bar.

The briefcase contained the $US 9,300 which HRH Princess Margaret had allocated to you.

I understand that Dr Kucker has recovered well from his ordeal and is to be discharged very shortly but he is cutting short his visit to Nigeria and is returning home this evening.

We will have to make other arrangements for the transfer of Her Royal Highness's donation. The British High Commission has informed her of the situation and no doubt she will be discussing how next to proceed early next week.

Yours sincerely,

Melodie
Chavster, Manfred & Newman Merchant Bank International PLC
At this point, it appears that unfortunately Mr. Woodrow decided he was not going to get any money out of the Foreign Office staff. Princess Margaret fired off one last shot:


HRH Princess Margaret

Subject: Mugu Dissatisfaction Survey!
Date: April 12, 2006
To: brantwoodrow@hotmail.com
Cc: scambaiters@yahoogroups.com

Dear Mr Woodrow

We are disappointed that you and your friends have stopped writing to us - especially as so many others, besides myself and all the other ficticious characters here that is, have enjoyed your stupid attempts at working a scam online throughout. In order to improve our disservice to mugu conmen like yourself whereever they come from please answer and return the following questionnaire - at your inconvenience naturally.

1. I am a inept conman working a crime out of:

a. Nigeria
b. The Gambia
c. Another African Country

2. My intelligence is:

a. indifferent
b. uncertain
c. mugu

3. I believed that I was really talking to a dead member of the British royal family

a. From the start
b. For most of the time
c. You mean I was not?

4. The time spent making a fool of myself was

a. Considerable
b. Annoying
c. Costly
d. Embarrassing
e. All four [we hope]

5. My friends now think I am:

a. Stupid
b. Naive
c. Dead, when they catch up with me

6. I would recommend the disservice I have received to:

a. My gang master
b. Those many hundreds now laughing at me on line
c. Those law enforcement officials who may well be contacting me shortly

7. The chances of my realising that what I am doing is a crime and that I am a pathetic criminal are:

a. Good
b. Better than even
c. As long as my prison sentence will surely be

Please return your completed entry to my office within 2 days to receive $65,000,000 in gold bullion packed in trunk boxes (upon receipt of the usual demurrage, of course)

Goodbye Mr Woodrow

No best wishes for the future at all.

'MARGARET'

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto,
Room 101
The Royal Les Dawson Suite
Kensington Doss House,
Buckingham
London
FU2 GlT
44 870 751 5170



Of course we know she really truly is a princess, and we will never stop believing!

scamorama main street * get booked * subscribe

Copyright © 1999-2016 Scamorama. All rights reserved.