THE SCAMMISH ARMADA


wrapped up jan. 2 2006

This is one of the best stories ever posted on Scamorama, another brilliant exploit from the FOREIGN OFFICE SPECIAL OPS DEPT

Jonathan Mokoena couldn't land Capt. Stabbin; he tries to haul in HRH Princess Margaret.

The cast:
Jonathan Mokoena ... himself(?)
Charces Davies ... Director, MLC Security Services
versus
HRH Princess Margaret ... herself
Agatha Bristol, CBE ... special ops, assistant to HRH
Sir Marmite Luny Binns ... chamberlain to HRH
and a murky appearance by
David Chuks ... who comes to warn Her Majesty about Jonathan's true character. Friend or foe?


Jonathan Mokoena
From: "Jonathan Mokoena" [joe_mok66@africamail.com]
To: HRH Princess Margaret
Subject: PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP.
Date: Wed, 06 Nov 2002

Attn: The President,

Dear Sir,

My mail may come to you as a surprise, but sincerely this is a proposal for a business deal that will benefit both of us. I am contacting you after a frantic search for a person who will be trustworthy and capable of handling a business of this dimension.

My name is Mr. Jonathan Mokoena, the Under-Secretary in charge of Intergration at the Specialized Technical Committee of the African Union (AU), formerly Organization of Afriacn Unity (OAU). You may be aware of the transformation of the OAU to AU, and the mandate to build a new united Africa modelled on the pattern of European Union (EU). For this therefore, the various African leaders recently inaugurated the New Patnership for African Development (NEPAD). NEPAD is to streamline Africa towards achieving a common market, defence force, currency, foreign policy, judiciary etc. For the above, the various African countries have made whosoever contributions in hundreds of million dollars. We have equally received grants/aids from the EU, USA and other international governments and agencies. These moneies in all have ran into millions of dollars.

As the officer in charge of receiving and managing these funds and executing the projects for which they are ment for, I have received all the money expected. I have also prepared my account which I have submitted to the AU High Command, and it has been approved by the AU Secratary-General, Dr. Amara Essy. However, in some of the money received, some of the donor countries and international bodies remitted to us amounts in excess of what they pledged. The AU before now, has written to all of them to acknowledge the receipt of the monies from them. The money in excess and which I have kept out with only me having knowledge of it, is in the turn of Two Hundred and Thirty-Five Million United States Dollars (US$235,000,000.00). As it is now, this money belongs to me, as neither the AU nor any of the donor countries/international agencies has declared their money missing.

I am therefore contacting you to assist me with the movement and safe-keeping of this fund. As a public officer in my category, I cannot openly put this money into any bank here in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, the AU headquarters where I am now, or in any other part of Africa, as an account holder. This will surely raise eyebrows and expose me. I have therefore concealed this amount of US$235M in four metal trunk boxes, and declared them as artefacts belonging to a foreigner. I deposited the boxes with a Security Company based in Banjul, The Gambia which has an affliate offices in Accra,Ghana and Johannesbourg, South Africa. These cities are safe havens for this kind of transaction.

This transaction will however be hitch-free. So, I would therefore want you to be in Banjul, The Gambia for the clearing and claiming of this fund. I will furnish you with information/documents on how

you will stand as the beneficiary of the boxes. I have decided to give to you 40% of the total amount involved.

Please I will want you to contact me on this e-mail address or the alternative: (joe_mokk@africamail.com).

Also, you have to assure me of the secrecy and confidentiality in this transaction.

Thanks in anticipation of your valued co-operation.

Mr. Jonathan Mokoena.
Princess Margaret
To: joe_mokk@africamail.com
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol
Date: 08 Nov 2002

My Dear Mokeona

Your charming and forthright letter has caught all of us here at the Palace by surprise. At first I felt your approach was somewhat forward, but after reading through the details I realised that yours seemed a genuine offer and one which, with her Highness' gracious permission, we might be prepared to take a stage further.

Naturally we were concerned at the difficulties experienced by the African Union. As part of My official duties towards the Commonwealth, I am familiar with this organisation and fully realise the need for discretion and mutual support in this instance.

Recent developments at the Palace and within Buckingham's administration have meant that we have need of some financial assistance in rebuilding, for instance, the Old Scroatem Rooms, so badly damaged by fire last year, or for the refurbishment of Tode Hall.

Once We are rassured as to the security aspects of any business undertaken between Ourselves and you, then we look forward to taking things further. You will forgive Me in this first instance for not supplying phone and fax numbers, but as a matter of Royal Protocol these are often retained as a security issue.

I am visiting Africa as part of a Royal Tour in the next few weeks and a stop in Banjul with be easily arranged to our mutual benefit I am sure. Naturally there will be a royal party, but this will be restrained and conducted with absolute discretion, as always is our rule.

I will be pleased to hear more from you as soon as possible, my good chap. I am taking the liberty of copying this message to Dame Agatha Bristol CBE, The Royal Chambermaid and Holder of the Bedpan, who will be in charge of the small details such communication necessarily involves. It may also be necessary to involve My equirry, Sir Marmite Luny-Binns, who is nominally in charge of My security overseas.

With very best wishes

MARGARET

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC,
Room 101
The Royal Les Dawson Suite
Kensington Doss House,
Buckingham
London
FU2 GlT
Jonathan Mokoena
From: "Jonathan Mokoena" [jonathan_mok@fastermail.com]
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Very Urgent, and Let us communicate through this box.
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 2002

Dear Her Royal Highness,

I write to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, and your comments were well noted.

First and foremost, I apperciated your acceptance to be my partner while you go home with the 40% at the successful conclusion of this transaction.

Secondly, you must be aware that this business requires an utmost secrecy, therefore, you do not have to let any body know about this business. "A man dose not tell his fellow man how he made his money", thus says one of my native adage, therefore, be guilded on this. But I am sure you are fully aware of the nature of this business, therefore I hope the involment of both Sir Marmite Luny-Binns and Dame Agatha will not raise an eyebrows.

Third, my main purpose of contacting you is nothing but on the financial aspect of this transaction. Therefore, you will taking care of the clearing and claiming of the consignments (Four Boxes) that contained the US$235m at the Security Company in Banjul, The Gambia. On to this arrangement, you have to start recording whatever your expenses will be, I am assuring you that whatever your expenses amount to, will be given back to you first before we go into sharing. Already, I have stsrted spending some money as the reault of depositing the four consignments, thus your assistance is highly needed.

Her Royal Highness, I need to obtain a New Deposit Certificate on your name, therefore, you have to advise me on which name that will appear there with the address. Also, who is to deal with me directly. You know i have respect on you Her Royal Highness.

Forth, you are requested to send to me your complete mailing address and name. I have to obtain a new Certificate of deposit bearing your name as to enable you make the clearing and claim of the funds therein, on reaching the Security Company in Banjul, The Gambia. Based on the above therefore, you have to explain yourself more to me so that I will know more of whom I am trusting my money into his hand.

Furthermore, on confirmation of the above information from you, and the Deposite Certificate bearing your name is obtained, I will furnish you with the contact details of the Security Company so that you will communicate Mr. Mohammed Musa, who is incharge, to negotiate with him on what it will cost you to make the clearing on the consignments. Based on this, you have to start from now in making arrangement on how you to enter Banjul, The Gambia for the clearing and claiming of the consignments.

Coming to your phone numbers, you are required to furish me with them, but you cannot call me from there due to security reasons. Calls coming in here were being monitored, and I would not want even a singel soul to know about this business, therefore, I will call you when the need arises. Email conversation is much ideal.

Her Royal Highness, 40% of this US$235m is enough for you to have the damaged Old Scroaten Rooms rebuild and refurbush the Tode Hall.

Meanwhile, the security of this transaction is at its 100% maximum. Also, I am much happy that you had an already arrangement of visiting Africa soonest, therefore, we are concluding this transaction at earnest.

However, you have seen December is approaching, therefore I would want us to get this business concluded on or before the year ends.

Expecting to hear from you soonest.

Regards,

Jonathan.
Princess Margaret
Date: 11 Nov 2002

My Dear Mr Mokeona

Thank you for your prompt and full reply, it is a pleasure to deal with such a scrupulous gentleman as yourself.

Do not worry about Sir Marmite and Lady Agatha. Their discretion is assured. They have both been members of the Royal Household for a number of years. Sir Marmite is captain of the Buckingham Bingo Team and has had a gallant record serving with the Asda Hussars in our Northern Toxteth territory.

Thank you for your assurances on the expenses. Her Majesty had asked Me to raise this very point and it has now been resolved.

You may use my address for all relevant documentation. I will normally be able to answer any questions; in the event of my absence on Royal business, (I am due at the Holloway Halls of Residence shortly, which may detain Me at Her Majesty's pleasure) then Lady Agatha or Lord Luny-Bins will be able to make decisions on My behalf.

I look forward to hearing from your Mr Musa.

May I take this opportunity to thank you for your kindness and to say what an inestimiable help you have been to the Royal Family in these dark days.

Kind regards
MARGARET

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC,
Room 101
The Royal Les Dawson Suite
Kensington Doss House,
Buckingham
London
FU2 GlT
Jonathan Mokoena
Her Majesty,

I write to confirm the receipt of your mail and the comments therein were well obeserved.

In as much as you have assured me the secercy involved in this kind of business, let's go ahead immediately.

Please, from this passage, (Her Majesty had asked Me to raise this very point and it has now been resolved. You may use my address for all relevant documentation.). I have noted the address, but which name am I going to use for this documentation? I want to get all this done before you start communication with the securitry company.

Expecting to have the required information from you immediately.

Regards,
Marmite Luny-Binns
To: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret

Date: 12 Nov 2002

Dear Mr Mokeona

Her Majesty has asked me to answer your last message, as regretfully she is absent this morning on royal business with Home Secretary Graham Norton.

You may use her regular address for all corrospendence, (but please copy me in for speed of reply):

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC,
Room 101
The Royal Les Dawson Suite
Kensington Doss House,
Buckingham
London
FU2 GlT

She will continue to monitor her mail but the fine details will be delegated to my good self.

Yours,

MARMITE

Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Her Majesty's Chamberlain-at-Arms
Room 69
The Fred West Rooms
Broadmoor,
Kensington
London
PRAT 1UR
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Date: Wed, 13 Nov 2002

Her Majesty,

I have read a mail from Sir Marmite, and all is well understood.

I will be getting the Deposit Certificate ready on or before Friday this week.

As a matter of fact, I wish to know whan you are making the trip to Africa for this business.

However, by tomorrow, I will confirm to you that full contact details of the Security Company in Banjul, The Gambia, where tyhe consignments are now.

In this regards, can you furnish me with your contact phone lines.

I expect to hear from you soonest.

Regards,

Jonathan.
Marmite Luny-Binns

Date: 13 Nov 2002

My Dear Mokeona

How gracious of you to expedite matters in this way. Her Majesty is away on official business and I think she mentioned to you in her last messages and I am pleased to answer your questions.

As soon as arrangements are made then Princess Margaret and I can fly to see you under assumed names of course, as discretion is very important both in the matter of this business and the international situation. The name normally chosen by the Royal Household in these instance for Her Majesty is Edna Everidge, and when the same restrictions apply to Myself, I prefer the name Larry Flynt. I hope this is convenient.

As far as our phone numbers are concerned, it is not Palace security policy to release these until full confidence between us is assured, and I am sure you will understand the reasons for this as least in the short term. However we do have a fax number which can be used if this is preferable, although it is in the office of the Archbishop of Canterbury John Leslie, and may not be secure. I apologise for this awkwardness. Some public reserve is absolutely necessary. We would otherwise receive a lot of mad calls from socialist activists like the RSPCA in this country which would require a high degree of screening Cut back in costs have resulted in some lack of communication through regular channels.

MARMITE

Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Her Majesty's Chamberlain-at-Arms
Room 69
The Fred West Rooms
Broadmoor,
Kensington
London
PRAT 1UR
Jonathan Mokoena
From: "Jonathan Mokoena" [jonathan_mok@fastermail.com]
To: "Marmite Luny-Binns" CC: HRH Princess Margaret
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 2002

Her Majesty,

This is to inform you that the Deposit Certificate will be reday scanned and send to you today from a friends office. Like I told you, the secrecy involved in this business muct be maintained, that is why I am not using the scanner in my office.

However, here is the full contact details of the security company.

MLC SECURITY SERVICES
INDEPENDENCE DRINE
BANJUL,THE GAMBIA
FAX:220-202170
TEL:220-903142 or 220-903126
ATTN: MR. CHARCES DAVIES (MANAGING DIRECTOR)
E-mail: imaic_ckv@yahoo.com

As a matter of fact, you should not let the Government of England and Gambia to have knowledge of this business, as this will jeopadise the entire transaction.

Furthermore, it is time to have your phone number since you will be speaking with the Md of the security company on phone as from now. You have to negotiate with Mr. Charces Davies on what it will take you to make the clearance of the consignments, and then claim them.

Again, I will want to know whether Her Majesty is back from her trip, as to confirm when she will be travelling to banjul or she will be having a representative there.

Moreover, I was made to understand that Mr. Mohammed Musa is on leave, therefore, you have to deal directly with the Security Company's Managing Director (Mr. Charces Davies).

Hoping to hear from you soonest.

Regards,
Jonathan.
Marmite Luny-Binns

Date: 14 Nov 2002

Mr Dear Mokeona

Our thanks for such an efficient and prompt response. Her Majesty is especially pleased with the way this business is proceeding after reading my report and positively laughed down the phone when She spoke to me from Butlins a few minutes ago.

You are right about maintaining absolute discretion in this matter, particularly as far as Hugh Genockers, the President of the Bank of England is concerned! But he is away on holiday and everything seems fine.

I have asked Her Majesty if I may issue a phone number in order to expedite our business, and hopefully she will give her assent to this shortly.

Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Jonathan Mokoena
From: Jonathan Mokoena [mokoenajoe@yahoo.com]
To: HRH Princess Margaret
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: Deposit Certificate
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 2002

function SetDomain(d) { document.domain = d; }Her Majesty, I am attaching the Deposit Certificate here.

You will make use of it to clear and claim the consignments.

However, I did not hear from Sir Marmite whether you have contacted the security company or not.

Confirm to me when ready to travel to Banjul, The Gambia.

Please, do not send mails to me through this yahoo box, let us contuine with the jonathan_mok@fastermail.com

Regards,
Jonathan.

Marmite Luny-Binns
To: readers of Scamorama
Date: 14 Nov 2002

Her Majesty is delighted by this very pretty effort which, when suitably mounted, will make an excellent Christmas card for the servants.
Marmite Luny-Binns
To: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com, imaic_ckv@yahoo.com
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret
Date: 15 Nov 2002

Subject: Her Majesty Wishes to proceed

My dear Mr Davies,

We have now received a certificate of deposit from our good friend Jonathan Mokoena which Her Majesty Princess Margaret has been good enough to accept and honour.

Her gracious self and I, using the assumed names of Edna Everidge and Larry Flynt, hope to paying you all a visit soon.

Her Majesty is away at the moment on an official engagement but when she returns it will necessary to have the destination and hotel arrangements in hand. Please see to this at once.

Palace protocol unfortunately being what it is I have been unable to get permission to issue you with a phone number at present but I am sure one will be provided soon.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to get in touch. Should I be away from the Royal Offices, then my deputy Yutha Binhad will be able to respond to simple queries.

MARMITE
Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Marmite Luny-Binns
To: HRH Princess Margaret, jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 15 Nov 2002

Dear Mr Mokeona

We are very alarmed indeed that Mr Davies' account does not seem to exist!

Please act to reassure us!

EG "Reporting-MTA: dns;hotmail.com
Received-From-MTA: dns;mail.hotmail.com
Arrival-
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 2002

Final-Recipient: rfc822;imaic_ckv@yahoo.com
Action: failed
Status: 5.0.0
Diagnostic-Code: smtp;554 delivery error: dd This user doesn't have a yahoo.com account (imaic_ckv@yahoo.com) - mta614.mail.yahoo.com"

Regards

MARMITE Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 15 Nov 2002
Subject: Worry

Marmite

This failure to communicate with Mr Davies is most worrying. Please convey my utmost concern to these fellows.

MARGARET

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC
Jonathan Mokoena
From: "Jonathan Mokoena" [jonathan_mok@fastermail.com]
To: Princess Margaret
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: Urgent Please
Date: Tue, 19 Nov 2002

Her Majesty,

Good day today. I am writting to notify you that I am unable to hear from you again after our last communication.

However, I was in contact with the security company today and information I gathered from Mr. Davies indicates that you have not reached them yet after I have reconfirmed their two email accounts to you.

Please, up date me with the sitaution.

I am loyal

Jonathan.
Marmite Luny-Binns
To: imaic_ckv@yahoo.co.uk
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret, jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 19 Nov 2002

Dear Mr Davies

I am Sir Marmite Luny-Bins, regis Chamberlain-at-Arms to Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret, Duchess of Lotto.

Her Royal Highness has agreed that I should contact you with a view to discussing terms for the release of an important consignment made known to Our good attention by one Jonathan Mokeona. A mistake in the e-mail address we had for you has meant a delay in this communication, for which We apologise.

Please expedite the terms for our soonest attention.

In addition, royal customdeems it necessary that you swear a temporary Oath of Loyalty to Her Majesty's interests, to which I am sure you will have no objection.

Please read the following out loud, then sign it and return electronically before we can proceed. (We will ask this too of Mr Mokeona in good faith)

"I Chancey Davies, being of sound mind and body, do swear humble merkin and fey feasiance to the service of Her Gracious Majesty Princess Margaret, to the test in all Her issue and dominion, pursuaint in this moment of our business.

(signed) C Davies J Mokeona

As soon as this detail is out of the way we shall look to proceed as soon as reasonably practical.

MARMITE

Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Jonathan Mokoena
From: "Jonathan Mokoena" [jonathan_mok@fastermail.com]
To: "Marmite Luny-Binns"
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret

Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002

Her Majesty,

Thanks for your time and effort and greetings to your Royal Majesty. I must reiterate that I have absoute faith in you people, and hope that this matter will be treated confidentially. I am still occupying my position and hope to retain it after this business.

I am writting to inform you that there is negative development with the security company in Gambia and this has made me to re-direct the consignments to another security company in Ghana. Already, I am in touch with the security company by name "African Security" and they have agreed to accept the consignments on arrival. This will take just one day. Once it arrives they will send to you a new Deposit Document. From now, please do not communicate with the security company in The Gambia, and treat any correspondence from them as null and void. Dissregard any communication from them.

My problem with them started from the fact that they (Mr. Davies) are insisted on knowing the content of the boxes, and this I said NO to him. After long arguement I found out that further talk with them will not augur well, then i decided to take away the boxes containing the funds from there office. If you contiune to communicate The Gambia, you risk exposing the entire business. All I know is that the contents of the boxes is not known to them and they must not know.

Please state the Letter of Agreement clearly so that I can read and sign, while we await information of the Deposit Documents from African Security Ghana.

Please, do not be upset about this diversion, as I have to be consious of security of yours and myself.

Presently, I am in touch with a senior banker in Metropolitan and Allied Bank Ghana, who has agreed to help us open an account, pay in the money and wire it directly to your account abroad. Details of the understanding I had with this banker will be communicated to you once I confirm the arrival of the consignments to Ghana.

Please, adhere to my advise.

I hope to hear from immediately.

Regards,

Jonathan.
Princess Margaret

Date: 21 Nov 2002

Very well, Mokeona,

But please no more problems. We like these concerns executed with deference and elegance just as much as we demand discretion. After all, we have our reputations to consider. But no more problems.

Sir Marmite will you make a note?

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
From: Jonathan Mokoena [mokoenajoe@yahoo.com]
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: Attached Documents for you
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret,

I have attached the documents here for you and you should not reply any mail to me through this yahoo email account.

Regards,

Jonathan.



Princess Margaret
To: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com

Date: 21 Nov 2002

Dear Mr Mokeona

I have received the attachments and Sir Marmite is currently examining them. Everything seems in order.

We have not yet received back from you the statement of allegience for the duration of business between us. Please rectify this, as it is an important aspect of Royal Protocol.

Prince Clyde is eager to accompany Me on any flight to see you; I trust this is alright?

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
From: "Jonathan Mokoena" [jonathan_mok@fastermail.com]
To: "Marmite Luny-Binns"
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret
Subject: I am willing to work with you.
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002

Her Majesty,

May you live long. I appreciate your involvement in this and I am assuring you that I will work according to our agreement, and will not circumvent you on this and I hope vice versa.

As I am writting you now, the Diplomatic Courier Service has informed me that the consignments is onwards to Ghana. I had to use Diplomatic Courier to avoid the consignments being inspected by custom. We in the African Union use this Courier for offical dispatch, and as such, I have full confidence in their operation. Never worry about this diversion to Ghana. It was done in our interest. I understand the calibre of people I am dealing with, and as such, I do not want anything bad to happen to them nor our business.

The document of the dispatch is right here with me, and as soon as I lay hand on a scanner, I will send to you by email attachment.

I will so much appreciate if you can simply heed to my advise of yesterday. This will form the bedrock of this matter. There is no need now contacting the Security Company in Banjul, The Gambia any longer.

I count on your understanding, and please write me and let me know your position.

Regards,

Jonathan.
Princess Margaret
To: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 21 Nov 2002

Dear Mr Mokeona

This is understood. Can you recommend a good 5 star hotel for the royal party in Ghana? Although we will be travelling incognito, we appreciate a good spread, fresh flowers, an X-Box for Prince Clyde, a limousine etc etc.

Please see to these matters.

MARGARET

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC
Marmite Luny-Binns

Date: 21 Nov 2002
Subject: Pledge

Mokeona

Here is the oath of temporary allegience which I am authorised to administer to you.

Please ensure its satisfactory completion before we proceed any further, there's a good chap. It should be read out loud signed, and returned promptly to myself.

"I Jonathan Mokoena, being of sound mind and body, do swear humble merkin and fey feasiance to the service of Her Gracious Majesty Princess Margaret, to the test in all Her issue and dominion, pursuaint in this moment of our right royal business.

(signed) J Mokeona (date)

Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Her Majesty's Chamberlain-at-Arms

[The Foreign Office specialize in extracting oaths of this sort, some of which can be viewed in the FOREIGN OFFICE OATH GALLERY.]

Princess Margaret
To: readers of Scamorama
Date: 22 Nov 2002
Subject: Fwd: be ceraful enemies have entered in royal family. An honest voice at last, I guess...

From: david chuks [divadpchr@yahoo.com] To: HRH Princess Margaret CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns Subject: be ceraful enemies have entered in royal family.
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 2002

Princess Margaret,

God has used me to review the trap a Nigerian who claimed to be Mr.Jonathan Mokeona Nationalcity of Kenya set against you.

Iam a born again christain,Therefore,I must tell you nothing but the truth.Withdraw yourself from this crude business.It is a degree the federal Government of Nigeria mark out as 419,stealing by trikes. There is nothing like two hundred and thrity five million($235m) he slinked out from OAU or AU.Also,there is no security company in the Gambia the fund was lying which he has given you the certificate of deposite and balance of thirty five thousand ua Dollars to pay,All are forgery.

Do not take part in this business otherwise you will have yourself to be blame.He is a citizen of Nigeria,if you like I can give you his Telephone number and his real name.If you continue dealing with them, I know that they will coonvince you.This type of business is too known in Africa.Even they have their represntatives in any where in the World.

I know you have gone far with them but start from now ignore them.If you don't beleive me,you can enquire more advise from Nigeria high Commissioner in Lodon.

A word is enough of the wise.

Please,do not let him to know that you received mail from any body.As stated below are what you will tell him after some few days you have ignored their commiunication

1.tell him that you have combined all the mails and documents he sent to you none of them looks like original.

2.That he has given you serval e-mail addresses,tetephone numbers and change of the so called Mohammed Musa to another person he claimed to be the director of the fake security company infact, with all these,you can understand that it is inter-net scam(game) and you should not go in details from the information I gave to you please.

please,this two points is ok for him not to know some body must leak his business other wise security is noy save.

Good bye,may God almighty continue to guide and protect you in the hand of Jesus Amen.

Brother.David.

[ Who is the mysterious "Brother David"? We never found out. ]

Jonathan Mokoena
From: "Jonathan Mokoena" [jonathan_mok@fastermail.com]
To: "Marmite Luny-Binns"
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret
Subject: I agree
Date: Sat, 23 Nov 2002

Her Royal Highness,

May you live long and I acknowledge the receipts of your mails with thanks. There won't be any problems and I assure you of handling this matter discreetly, this is very important as we all have our reputation to protect.

I have studied the Oath and I will prepare it on a seperate sheet, signed and sent to you by attachment. I hope this will be alright. I am taking you in confidence and I am going to sign this in utmost good faith (Ubrimae Fidei), and hope this will not bring about unexpected comprises, though I trust in your person and capacity.

I am making arrangement to be in Ghana tomorrow, then I can give you the needed information about hotel etc. I hope to rent a phone so we can talk. Will it be okay? I will always be travelling to Ghana incognito all the time. Here I mean even on the day we are meeting in Accra, Ghana.

Like I mentioned earlier, the banker at Metropolitan and Allied Bank gave me a condition to assist in moving the funds. That after openning up the account, paying in the money and wiring the funds to your account abroad, that the sum of US$1,000,000.00 will be left behind in the account for a period of six months to one year to enable his bank trade with it, after which we can call for the funds. You have to know that there in Ghana, bank staff are elevated according to the funds or deposit they attract. I agreed with his condition since this does not stand in our way of accomplishing this business. Or do you have a way you intend to handle the transfer? Please suggest. What is the meaning of x-box?

Do you expect that the Oath of allegience be sent to the address you furnished? You have to consider time too.

I await your immediate answer.

Yours Truly,

Jonathan.
Princess Margaret
To: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 24 Nov 2002

My Dear Mokeona

As always a pleasure to hear from you. I am glad that you have agreed to sign and return the oath of fealty and allegience to Ourselves. This is best sent as an attachment, just as you suggest, but if possible printed on official letter head. Once this detail is in place then We will be delighted to proceed as soon as possible.

We await in great expectation the details of the hotel. Let it be a place suited to our station, but not an establishment that will make our arrival too conspicuous. I remember once when the Queen Mother went to Niarobi for a quiet safari with Sir Harry Secombe, she was entered by mistake into the hotel billiards competiton which brought a lot of unwlcome publicity to an otherwise peaceful vacation for Her, bless Her soul.

Talking on the phone would seem an excellent idea one I can get final agreement from Her Majesty (who is currently away on holiday, skiing at Bognor Regis with Sir Jeff Tracy and Lady Penelope). Please be patient as you will appreciate things move slowly in Royal circles.

The conditions attached by the banker at Metropolitan and Allied Bank seem unduly cautious but We accept them, as We do not wish to be too unhelpful.

An X-box is a computer games consol currently favoured by the young Princes, especially Wayne and Darren, and I trust these are available in Ghana?

Best wishes

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC
Jonathan Mokoena
From: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
To: Princess Margaret
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002

Her Majesty,

May you live long. I am in receipt of your mail. I am in Accra, Ghana now, unfortunately I have not found a company to rent a phone from. I thought it would have been possible like it is in Ethiopia. Well situation differ from country to country. I will still be looking around and once I am able to establish a number I will update you at once.

The area of hotel is what I am looking at closely now, but again the information about this cannot be furnished immediately. Let me see how fast I am able to work on this.

I do not think a Limosine as you requested will be found here. Rather I think you can get other brands in the Mercedes class range. A Limo., will not even give you the needed shield from public glare. I hope you catch my drift.

I am going to send the Oath of Allegience as attachment but not on my official letterhead, as this matter does not have any official connotation. I need your understanding here.

Honestly speaking, I do not have any problems with him (the banker), afterall we need such an assistance if this matter will be accomplished. I think we will have to go into written agreement with him to protect our interest. Please note that this man does not know details of this transaction, I only made him know that the money was got from the sale of real estate in ghana, which is presently a flourishing sector today. He is only interested in what I agreed with him. His involvement should not bother you.

I remain.

Yours truly,
Jonathan.
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com

Date: 25 Nov 2002

Dear Mr Mokeona

Thank you, I will be certain to assure Her Majesty that her interests are in the best possible hands, and we await the Oath of Allegience keenly.

Sir Marmite has unfortunately twisted his ankle during the Palace croquet tournament this weekend, but will be able to take things further when out of traction in a few days.
Jonathan Mokoena
Subject: Oath of Allegience Attached
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002

Her Majesty,

I have signed the Oath of Allegience and I hope to attache it now.

I hope you realise you need a visa to Ghana. Please inform me of how long more we are going to wait and when you will be in Ghana.

I am planning to leave tomorrow once I furnish the required information about hotel etc.

I am waiting.

Jonathan.

N/B: I am sorry to learn of the injury sustained by Sir Marmite, please extend my regards to him. I wish him speedy recovery. I would like to shake his hands in the near future, and hopes he makes the trip.

Also, remember that all correspondence must be through fastermail.com
Princess Margaret
Date: 25 Nov 2002

Dear Mr Mokeona

Thank you for your prompt sending of this Oath of Allegience. I have shown it to our Commissioner of Oaths, Sir Alfred Garnet and he asks whether you can add a current address and a passport photograph to meet the standard format and terms of royal agreements? You will understand that just a blank sheet of paper without some other formal identification is not ideal. Please oblige us on this matter, my dear chap, as we can then proceed to business.

I have just seen Sir Marmite by the way, hobbling round the flower beds at the Tower with the Lady Jordan holding his arm. He should be back online soon once he has a couple of things off his hands.

There is a great deal of excitement amongst the very few in the know here at the palace at the important business to come. I hope we can move on very swiftly to the next stage now.

Best regards

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: Response.
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 2002

Her Royal Majesty,

May you live long. I have read your mail and I will act on it once I get back to Ethiopia. I have confirmed from the director of African Security about the custody of the boxes containing the money, and they are safe.

I was informed that apart from the handling/clearing charges stated on the Deposit Agreement, there is also a VAT of 12.5% on any consignment deposited. These they say must have to be paid before taking delivery.

I have searched around Accra for a hotel that meets your specification, especially in the area of shielding your identity. I can only suggest La Palm Royal Beach Hotel. It is just on a class of its own, and a Five Star Hotel.

Frankly speaking Her Royal Highness, I was taken aback when I learnt from your mail that other people apart from you and Sir Marmite are aware of this. As you know this matter ought to be between you and I, because of the high level contact and sensitivity. I hope you understand me. Nothing makes me nervous like a situation like this when my proposal has to come to the knowledge of more than two people at a time. Like they say, two is a company, while three is a crowd.

From all indication I cannot furnish you a phone number, and I would not want to talk to you on a public phone. Well I guess we will restrict all correspondence to email.

On the issue of the car, I think it has to be arranged when you come in. This is not a problem.

I hope to get back to you ASAP.
Yours Truly,

Jonathan.
Princess Margaret
Cc: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Date: 26 Nov 2002

My Dear Mokeona

As always a pleasure to hear from you and We trust that you are well. I am glad that matters are being taken well in hand. Do not worry about the news of this transaction spreading to unwanted ears. I have a tightly run retinue of trusted retainers here at the Palace and you will already have realised that we are very security conscious both in so far as internal and external issues are concerned. For instance Sir Marmite insists on personally vetting all the new ladies-in-waiting in his Royal Caravan at Royal Windsor by the Sea, and can therefore vouch for each one.

The hotel you suggest sounds very reasonable and I am sure will prove sufficient. If you can provide pictures of the bed chambers this will be very helpful. Please ensure that ant limousine provided has fresh flowers inside and a champagne backet.

The small amount of extra charges will not present too much of a problem. I will look into the Palace petty cash cupboard and see what currency we have remaining. Some has been spent recently on dance lessons for Princess Candy, but there is some left.

We await you further messages with enthusiasm.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: Update
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 2002

Her Royal Highness,

May you live long, and I hope all the members of your family are well.

I am quite busy in the office after two days away. When I am less busy, I will scan my passport and send to you. I thought you would have given me a tentative date of being in Ghana.

I noted your request for picture of the hotel room and bed; how I wished this request was made while I was there.

With every sense of respect, I wish to make an observation. I am beginning to feel that your request might eventually be more than what I can provide. I say this because this last request of yours may or may not be possible, considering the fact that I am in Ethiopia now. I can only get their number and try to find out if this is available.

In your request for a Limousine, you asked for fresh flowers and I do not know how this can be organized. You have to know that here in Africa, flowers does not mean much to us and as such, no significance is attached to it as such. Since you are traveling incognito, it will be better you make do with what can be got for you, provided it can facilitate the conclusion of this very matter. There is no way a Limousine can give you the needed protection or coverage you need. I am assuring you that Ghana is secure and that with me no problems will arise. What about good investments that I will put my money into? I am not going to have my money put just in an account. I count on your advise in this area, as I have little or no business knowledge due mainly to my type of job.

As you already know, we need all the shielding there is to enable us move around in Ghana. I was informed by the Banker at Metropolitan and Allied Bank Accra, that the whole banking procedure and transfer of money to your account abroad will take 2days max., what this means is that we shall be concluding every aspect of this matter in just two days.

I do not think it will be any reasonable for you to contact the Security Company in Ghana as you did to the one in Gambia, to avoid any suspicion. One thing you will know is that they do not know we have money in those boxes, all we need do is to pay the necessary fees and get the boxes out to the bank, thatís all.

I will write again once I have a relaxed schedule. Hope to meet you soon and my regards to Sir Marmite and I wish him speedy recovery.

I remain.

Yours Truly
Jonathan
Princess Margaret

Date: 27 Nov 2002

My Dear Mr Mokeona

May We thank you for your response to Our last message, and for raising some point of mutual concern. The scan of your passport will be entirely sufficient to validate the Oath of Allegience to Ourselves for the purposes of this business transaction.

We appreciate, further, all the efforts you are making on our behalf. In some things naturally We may be prepared to compromise, especially with out plans to travel incognito. So do not worry if little things here and there are unobtainable; I am sure Sir Marmite will able to make and mend as matters arise. I remember once on a trip to Korea I had to make do without My daily face massage, but somehow got through it. Although a limousine, we now realise, may prove conspicious on the little dirt roads you have, our concerns for security mean than some reliable means of travel will have to be approved of in advance. Perhaps we can have approval of a good taxi, preferably one with a vetted driver? Naturally he will have to sign the Oath of Allegience too, if at all possible, although I don't think MI5 screening will be necessary.

In terms of the investments for your money which you seek, advice may be hard to find without raising suspicion. I believe that the best person to ask here would be the Minister for Oversea Finance, Sir Ronnie Biggs, but I will not involve his expertise unless you specifically request it. He is currently enjoying a long vacation at Her Majesty's Pleasure at Wormwood Scrubs, and may not be easily contactable in any case for the moment.

We await further developments in this business with all possible enthusiasm

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: I will arrange transport
Date: Thu, 28 Nov 2002

Her Majesty,

Greetings to you all and may you live long.This morning I will be meeting with some VIP's and that will be through to mid afternoon when I will have enough time on my hands to to scan my passport and send same to you.I hope you understand that the delay is not of my making,as I have an obligation to my job first.Ordinarily I would have had one of my assistants do this and send to you,but for the sensitive nature of this business.I have to do it myself.

What ever information I give you on this matter must have to be adhered to because I know the African situation better than you do.I do not see any need for a taxi or an external Driver.The issue of transport has to be arranged by me,what we need basically is something comfortable that will move us around for the two days we will have to stay in Ghana.

I remember that the Security Company agreed to transport the 4 boxes to any destination in Accra and not beyond. You have to also know that Ghanaians are docile and as a result petty,that getting a taxi Driver close to what we do will amount to pouring oil into fire.With a taxi driver there is a likelihood that we can be exposed,take it or leave it.My recipe in this aspect is to get a car and drive it to the security company or I come in with my Personal assistant(who is not privy to this business) who can do the driving.I think in this way we can avoid problems.We need to keep our respective positions and jobs after this business,don't we?

In the area of investment of money,I will say you hold on Going by what you said,till we are through with this matter.Can you tell me where the funds will be wired to?To a private, personal or Corporate bank Account?I hope pulling out money will not pose a problem wherever your account is domiciled.Here I am talking of Foreign Exchange rules and policies as it affects us.Confirm if there is a telephone number youcan be reached.

I am quite impressed on the queenly manner and dexterity with which you handle this matter,and I hope to meet you soon.My regards to Sir Marmite and I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Truly

Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Date: 28 Nov 2002

My Dear Mokeona

We are reassured that all is in good hands. The suggestions concerning transportation will be sufficient, I suppose, although please supply nothing too damp or smelly, as I have rheumatism and a dress line to consider.

I have a private account with Bonkers Bank PLC in London, which will be ideal for the transfer of funds. The account handler is Dennis D. Menice.

Please expedite these matters, as I hope to surprise Sir Marmite w ith having all things being arranged when he returns in a few days.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
Subject: I am hearing of Bonkers bank for the first time.
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 2002

Her Royal Highness,

May you live long. What about the telephone I requested? I would like to talk to you now. This is important.

I am sorry that my passport could not be sent yesterday. I under estimated the time the meetings will last. It went on to the late hour of the evening with not time for lunch break.

This morning I have to report late to work, to be able to scan my passport and dispatch to you. I hope this settles the enquiry of your Commissioner of Oath and allows you to move this matter forward without delay. When am I expecting you in Ghana?

Since you will be traveling a distance to Ghana, it will be worthwhile for you to know what is expected of us at African Security, on the day of collection of the boxes containing the money. The Security Company expects that the clearing and handling charge plus 12.5% VAT will have to be paid in cash before the boxes could be released to us. (As stated on Deposit Agreement). I am repeating this to avoid a situation where we are tied down by miss information. This is the only obligation we owe them, and once settled we take delivery and head to the bank. As a public servant, I have stretched my purse to a limit and have been able to foot the bill of moving the boxes to Ghana. I would ask you to help settle African Security and once we finalize, you will be reimbursed. I will have to draw up a Co-operation Agreement for your confirmation and approval.

I still count on your understanding and please tell me about your travel plans. I am hearing of Bonkers bank for the first time. The attachment will follow this mail through my yahoo account.

I hope to hear from you.

Regards,
Jonathan.
Princess Margaret
Date: 29 Nov 2002

My Dear Mr Mokoena

A pleasure to hear from you so promptly, and thank you for the information. Sir Marmite has now recovered and may contact you separately about continuing the arrangements. Please forward on the details necesssary to fulfil the terms of the Oath of Allegience as this will considerably expedite matters.

As soon as you can give Me an idea of the arrangements being made for our progress to Ghana, then I will get the travel details in hand. I imagine we we will be unable to use the Royal Jet as this will be too conspicuous. You will understand that Sir Marmite is keen to ensure that the highest standards are in place best befitting Our arrival. I remember once travelling to Borneo and there were no clean face towels in the en suite. Can you imagine that?

The clearing and handling charge should present no problems. I assume £100 notes are acceptable? We have a few of those in the petty cash, money which I can most easily access without difficulties.

As far as phone and fax numbers are concerned I am afraid that Sir Marmite in particular is still a little wary. May we continue by e-mail alone for a short while longer. You will appreciate that this business is new to us, and security, both here at The Palace, and at our Winter residence at Gormenghast, is uppermost in our minds.

Prince Darren has asked about the X-Box again. What games do you have?

MARGARET
Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC
Marmite Luny-Binns

Date: 29 Nov 2002

Dear Mokeona

I am back at my desk. Please bring me up to date.

Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Jonathan Mokoena
From: Jonathan Mokoena [mokoenajoe@yahoo.com]
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: My Passport Attached.
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 2002

Her Royal Highness,

Good day.

I am attaching to you here my Passport, though I have read your mail, I will get back to you in due time.

Bless you,

Jonathan.

Note: Dont not forget that all communication must come through my fastermail.com account.

Princess Margaret
Cc: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns

Date: 29 Nov 2002

Dear Mr Mokeona

Thank you for your attachment which fulfills the conditions of the Oath of Allegience splendid. May I take this opportunity to say that you are a remarkably handsome man, which allied to your formidable business sense no doubt makes up a remarkable package.

We look forward to hearing more of the terms and conditions of travel to your lovely country.

Margaret
Jonathan Mokoena

Date: Sun, 01 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

Greetings to you.

Please, below are my contact address both in home land Kenya and in Ethiopia.

122 Kebele Avenue GRA Addis Ababa Ethiopia, or 140 Standard Street
Nairobi Kenya.
Regards,

Jonathan.
Jonathan Mokoena
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Date: Sun, 01 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

Greetings to you and may you live long.

You asked for idea of arrangements been made, well there is nothing much to the arrangement,as hotel is in place and the issue of transport will pose no problem at all.I can arrange for a clean and comfortable Mercedes Car that can carry us for those two days around Accra.The rest lies with you.

I can see that you seem to have doubts about hotel and transport,but this should not bother you at all. Well the hotel recommended is a five star hotel and you can find foreigners and top business executives milling in and around it. I have lodged there once on an official engagement to Accra, this informed my recommendation. You have to know that Ghana is a tourist attraction and as such has good and beautifully furnished hotels for visitors,and its popular among foreigners. Though I am not Ghanaian, but I do envy the standard of the hotels there. You can make telephone contacts to the hotel on the following numbers :Hotel(La Palm Beach) is :233-21-771628, 771629. The fax is 233-21-771700. With this you can make reservation.

Though Africa is third world, there is no doubt that in some countries there are commendable development in the area of infastructure etc. Ghana is a case study. Yes we do have old vehicles, but you can equally find a good number of brand new cars on the road of Africa. Ofcourse where there is old you will find new. I do not envisage a problem with a hotel of that standard, I learnt there are accomodation beffiting visiting Presidents and as such there should be one for a personality like you.

I must state that I am not sure of x-box, but in such big hotels you can find all sorts of computer games especially ones that the international community appreciates. Well if not available one can make do with what they have. I do not think this should be a problem to this business. Please show me that you are serious on this matter in every inch of it.

I also assume that Pounds Sterling should do, but where it does not, there are good number of officially recognised Forex bureau that deal on major foreign currencies of the world, and are in strategic points. We can easily access any and change the pounds to dollar, if need be.

Can you send to me copies of your International passport, as a confidence building measure. You already have mine, dont you?

I have fulfilled every obligation towards you, and I see no problems in you advancing the course of this matter now. I hope you are working on getting here and finalising this matter before the close of offices this December. I say this because it does not make sense leaving such a matter lying low, when one could get out few days from his/her schedule to consummate it. What about visa? I am surprised you have not talked of this. Well for me I will be travelling back with you to England after the funds have been wired to your account abroad, disbursement and initial talks for good and profitable areas of investment.

Tell me what is next in your agenda, and do have a nice weekend.

Regards
Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns

Date: 02 Dec 2002

My Dear Mr Mokeona

I must apologise for the delay in replying to you as I know issues are pressing and we need to get things resolved. I was unfortunately away this weekend polo-ing at Gareth Gates, and was unable to access My e-mail. Also poor Sir Marmite has had something of a relapse after slipping down in the ball room at Brixton Palace during the recent rave pageant, and so it is all up to Me I am afraid at the moment, and I trust you will be so kind as to bear with Me.

It is certainly a relief to know that We will have access to reasonable transport when We visit your country. Once or twice in the past We have had to put up with some horrid little asian motor, without even so much as a drinks cabinet, which can be very trying.

The hotel you suggest sounds tip-top. Would you be so good in Sir Marmite's absence to go ahead and make rservations for a party of four for the nights of December 14,15,16. We will use the names of Dame Edna Everidge, Marty Feldman, Bertie Wooster and Lady Macbeth to allay any suspicion.

Prince Darren is still asking about his X-Box can you please check what is the situation as far as this is concerned? Sorry to be a nuisance but he really enjoys playing it in between official duties here or at Emmerdale.

Before his enforced departure, Sir Marmite had taken care of Visas through the foreign office, on a discreet basis naturally, so no worries there.

I appreciate your need to have some proof that We are whom We say we are, as there are a lot of disreputable people talking on the net. Unfortunately Palace protocol means sending My official passport is out of the question, as I am sure you will understand. However I have taken the liberty of scanning in a recent letter of mine to a royal handmaiden which should suffice. It is on official note paper. I am also sending a image of Myself and the Great Royal Charter of Office which confirms my status and privileges throughout the Commonwealth. I do hope this will be kept confidential, but I want to establish trust.

As far as you travelling back with us to England after the conclusion of our business, this is an excellent idea, and I have given orders that the Lee Evans room be prepared in advance, with fresh gold on the frescos.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly to confirm travel arrangements and expect everything to be performed to the highest of standards.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: I will work on those.............
Date: Tue, 03 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

Thanks for your detailed mail and attachments, and I pray that Sir Marmite bounce back fast, my regards to him. Will you be travelling with Sir Marmite?

As per hotel, I will try calling them today and make a reservation, but could you inform me n how your spreading will be. I mean, are you all ladies? And will you be occupying separate rooms? I will check out the X-Box too. These questions are important for me to know what reservation to make. Another thing, am I dealing with only you in this business or with four of you?

As per keeping those attachments confidential, they will be certainly be for my eyes only. I cannot try with such details, having worked in top places where emphasis on confidentiality is stressed. You can count on my words.

I still would want to hear your voice, canít you get a mobile phone I can call you on. Let us chat even for once, this is natural for a venture of this magnitude.

I need to have details of your flight when ready, i.e, Air Line, Carrier Number and arrival time. All these will aid me in my timing and preparation towards meeting you. I will be there on that weekend, so there are no missing lines.

I will have to talk to the bank director in Metropolitan Bank Accra just to inform him that we shall be meeting with him once we come in. I hope this is Ok by you. Just to avoid a situation where he is offstation on a day we need him most.

I hope to write you again once reservation and other information are effected and got.

Regards,
Jonathan.
Princess Margaret

Date: 03 Dec 2002

My Dear Mr Mokeona

Once the final technicalities are agreed I am indeed hoping to travel with Sir Marmite. However if he proves too unwell to make the trip then I will make a suitable substitution from My personal staff, all of whom can be trusted to the utmost. I think perhaps the best choice will be Sir Winalot, but I will decide when the moment is right.

The two princes may share a room, as they currently do at Castle Popadum on occasion, but naturally separate rooms will be required for Sir Marmite and myself. Sir Marmite in particular may need to have his own special bathing requirements, with his condition being a concern.

Thank you for keeping the items I have sent to you secret. The image of course is an informal one, taken on holiday last year in Clacton. But the Palace retains copyright on this an on all royal communications such as My letter.

In the absence of Sir Marmite it will be Myself with whom you should be dealing. I don't anticipate being away from the Palace now until the start of the hedgehog shoot, in January.

I don't have a mobile phone (Her Majesty has forbidden such things as not befitting Her court, unfortunately) but I will endeavour to find a number you can use in due course. I hope this will not inconvenience you, or delay matters, as I feel we have now established so much trust to let it slip now on minor matters.

I will be able to confirm flight details shortly, and will appreciate if you can get the hotel end sewn up nicely for Us, there's a good chap.

MARGARET
Princess Margaret

Date: 04 Dec 2002

My Dear Mokeona

Since Our last communication with yourselves, there have been further developments. It seems that Sir Marmite will be away from duty for sometimes and is unlikely to be able to make a journey to Africa. After some consideration, it seems the best person to assist Me in the furtherance of our mutual business will be Dame Agatha Bristol CBE, the Royal Chambermaid and Holder of the Bedpan.

Her involvement will be especially welcome as the Princes will no doubt need a firm hand during our sojurn in your fair country. Once they heard that an X-Box is likely to be available, they grew very excited. I may have to allow all three to travel, which I hope will not put too much strain on your resources. Prince Clyde is old enough to look after himself, but Darren and Wayne can be rather a problem if kept occupied. Perhaps you have some nieces I can introduce them to during our stay?

You may copy in Lady Agatha to all future messages as she is able to deputise for Me, and has had a lot experience in Royal Tours (she organised the recent progress in Plumbagge very satisfactorily).

In the meantime we still await with keen interest the finalising of all travel details from your end. Please note that I require the Daily Telegraph each morning, air conditioning, and plenty of face wipes to hand should your peculiar climate prove awkward.
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 04 Dec 2002

Your most Gracious Royal Highness,

I have, by your command, spoken to the Staff of the Royal Flight at the base in Wankershire.

Every aeroplane is available, ma'am, and I respectfully suggest you select one, and I will make sure that it is prepared according to your specification.

I understand we are travelling to Zaire. Is this correct? Sir Arthur Daley has a house there, which could be convenient.

Will Mr. Mokoena be requiring tea?

Yours ever,

Dame Agatha Bristol, CBE
Royal Chambermaid and Holder of the Bedpan
Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 04 Dec 2002

Lady Agatha

Best let Mr Mokeona speak for himself on the delicate matter of tea, although the fellow will enjoy some Earl Grey I dare say. Good work with the Wankershire flight, by the way, but I think We need to be discreet on this one and will be travelling under disguised identity.

Please send a tub of salve over to Marmite.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 04 Dec 2002

Your Most Gracious Royal Highness, As ever you are correct. I would imagine a colonial fellow like Mr. Mokoena would enjoy Earl Grey, or perhaps he would appreciate the smoky aroma of Lapsang Souchong, or perhaps the delicate taste of Orange Pekoe.

I would suggest that we need this issue clearing up, so Quartermaster Derek Trotter can organise the cargo of your chosen aeroplane. We are preparing flight plans for Zaire at the moment, ma'am.

A tub of Tower of Power salve is on the way to Sir Marmite.

As ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Royal Chambermaid and Holder of the Bedpan
Princess Margaret
To: Lady Agatha Bristol
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com, Sir Marmite
Date: 04 Dec 2002

Lady Agatha

Forget the Wankershire side of things. I have told you that we wish to be discreet and Trotter is a hirsute buffoon. ake contact with a regular airline once Mokeona has furnished us with hotel reservations and make reservations for five.

We are NOT travelling to Zaire, but Ghana for goodness sake. Mr Mokeona has kindly advised us of this fact, unless plans have changed

Please stay on the ball with this one, and remember it is your last chance to make good.

Early Grey will suffice, but be sure and pack the Japseye tea service, you know what third world crockery is like.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 04 Dec 2002

Your Highness,

I have contacted the authorities at Heathrow and they have reserved a flight on BA Flight 332 to Mogadishu, in Somalia.

Somalia, I believe, is close to Ghana. I am trying to find out if there's a bus service to take you to Ghana from there.

The Japseye crockery is being used by Prince Derek of Glasgow. Shall we select the Arzkrak set given to you by Crown Prince Shane?

Your Highness, Mr. Mokoena has not informed us of which tea he prefers.

As ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Chambermaid and Holder of the Bed-Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
Dear Sir/Madam,

I do not understand what is happening.This whole thing is confusing to say the least.

For christ sake there is a direct flight to Ghana on a daily basis on BA.I do not have to be in london to know this.

Margaret should get back to me,ASAP.

Jonathan
Lady Agatha Bristol
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret
Date: 04 Dec 2002

Dear Sir,

Please forgive me. I was looking at the map of Africa the wrong way.

I am pleased to say that I have booked a flight for the Royal Party to The Congo, as discussed on the telephone today.

I trust this is in order, ma'am?

Mr. Mokoena, sir, I still do not know which type of tea you favour.

Yours sincerely
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Jonathan Mokoena
To: "Princess Margaret"
CC: Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Subject: I am still having doubts of your person
Date: Wed, 04 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

I greet you all. Please do not be discouraged by what I am about to write, but this has been bothering me and it is only you that can provide the answers that can calm my nerves. Already I have in my hands draft of the Co-operation agreement between you and me,to protect our respective interests, but I will send it for your perusal and confirmation only when you have provided answers to my question.

I got your attachment but frankly speaking I could make nothing out of them. The Princess Margaret I know is late and died at the age of 71,information of which I can send to you. All necessary search I have made about you and the Castles you mentioned came to nill, even your Duchess of Tesco produced no results. I have made extensive search and could not lay hands on any tangible information about your person.I asked for a phone number and copies of passport ,but these were tactically avoided for reasons I see as flimsy .I am afraid of working into the hands of International Security Agents especially now there is money lundering laws here and there.I will only be rest assured when you can give me added info,period.

You have to understand my apprehension,but you are the one that will allay my fears.I am a top notch in the AU and cannot allow myself to walk into murky waters,my job and position is enviable that any slip will land me into trouble that could consume me for life. Put yourself into my shoe then you can understand the way I feel.

With all respect Madam,tell me whom you are and I have promised to keep this to myself and so shall it be.I sent my passport to you,why can't you send yours to me,there is always an exception to the rule.I hope you understand.Let us work in such a way that every party knows that there is no hidden agenda.Sir marmite can send his passport by attachment too,it is that simple.

I hope to hear from you promptly.

Regards
Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Date: 05 Dec 2002

My Dear Jonathan

Your message was a little strange given our relationship so far, and raised some eyebrows in My office (and even raised a smile on the face of Hives, my wrinkled retainer) to say the least, but naturally I will endeavour to allay your concerns as this business is in both our interests, and trust is essential on both sides. My Aunt Margaret was laid to rest some months ago as you quite rightly observe, a sad event reported around the world. Sir Marmite and Myself were the chief mourners at Henry Pordes Abbey, and I was at the graveside. I am still in mourning after this very sad event, and am even wearing a black balaclava today at my desk in respect to her continuing memory. I am clearly not to be confused with the dearly departed.

Castle Popadum goes under the offical name of Windsor Castle. The name Popadum is a traditional family one, used out of habit as the facade of that ancient and venerable pile reminds the casual viewer of a particular kind of English cake, the lemon popadum. There is no mystery about this but I can see how how it has become confusing.

As far as supplying confirmatory documents, you will understand that my actions are circumscribed by Palace protocol and concerns over security. It was only a few years back since the Queen Mother was mugged down the Fulham Road and more recent world events have naturally made us very cautious in opening doors of communication very easily. I would have thought the items I have forwarded to you (including my recent letter concerning the royal bed pans, on headed paper) would have resolved these issues?

However I have obtained a phone number now on which this office can be reached: 00 906 403 0713 which should serve to allay your doubts satisfactorily, my dear fellow. This is a top secret number and must never be divulged to your friends or tribe members.

I will ask Sir Marmite about sending a fascimile of his passport, but alas feel that the same restrictions will apply. You will understand the risk of sending out such royal documentation to insecure numbers for the possible misuse by any passing nitwit.

Please let us stop this nonsense and move onto the real business in hand, as I feel you are growing less serious as the venture proceeds and I am growing nervous less this business will prove a failure. Perhaps it would be best after all it we were to end it now, as Sir Marmite intimated to me yesterday over a bunch of grapes at the royal Ken Dodd Hospital. I am afraid he takes a very cynical view of your intentions.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: My nerves are calmed now
Date: Thu, 05 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

May you Live in interesting times and how are you?I send you my belated heart felt condolences on the death of your beloved Aunt. May her soul rest in perfect peace,Amen.I was not informed fully on your background, so I grew anxious and felt that someone could easily impersonate as coming from your palace.Please forgive me if it hurt you,but I had to do it.One thing I want you to know is that all information given to me by you will die with me, and will not be divulged to anyone even my wife.

You have to know that if you had explained to me fully about your background,I would not have asked further.If all these information contained in your mail were given to me earlier,I would not have made further enquiry.I was confused and wanted to know more about you,so I do not run into the hands of oppurtunists and get rid off.Please tell Sir Marmite that there is nothing ulterior about my motives or intentions.If he is being cynical about me,then he does not understand what it takes to initiate a colossal matter as this.I am sure his cynicism is predicated on the fact that he views the whole matter from your own side alone.Take it from me Margaret,we shall prevail.

Initially you did ask for my passport and I sent to you,naturally we would not have got to this point if I did not send those passport pages to you.That I sent them relaxed your mind about me,in the same vein your explanation of whoim you are today, has also calmed my nerves.I thank you for your understanding and the information contained therein.

I understand when you write about being cautious opening doors of communication to outsiders,I did read about those on the pages of foreign magazine,that informed that decision.Having worked in high places I have come to know what it takes to keep matters discreet and confidential,moreover our personalities does not need any disclosure bearing in mind what we are doing.This was why I advised that you do not contact the Security Company as you did on the other side.It was to further cover our identities that made me divert this business to Ghana, so nothing to fear about,Margaret.

I am not growing any less serious,I am still commited to this project as it were.I have gone ahead to make reservations,but was asked to call back on Monday to confirm as people have made reservation 3Months earlier because of peak period.Already I am making alternative arrangement incase La Palm Beach Hotel fails.I am making contacts to hotels and I will keep you posted next week on that.I hope this does not delay your schedule in any way.Please keep an eye on the 14th as you said.What about Novotel Hotels? Another thing I want to say is that I am into this alone,no friends nor tribesmen.

I must state that I did not like the way Lady Agartha Bristol addressed me as a colonial fellow.I take exception to that.I am no less human,and have gone ahead to catch the golden fleece.I appreciate my communication with you so far, and I hope it continues till we finalise.Have you got visa for Lady Agatha Bristol?,since Sir Marmite will not be on your entourage.

Thanks for your co-operation and my regards to the Royal Household.

Jonathan
N/B The Co-operation agreement will be forwarded shortly
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite Luny-Binns
Date: 05 Dec 2002

My Dear Mokeona

Now that we have overcome your doubts and hesitations, let us proceed to the business in hand at once, there's a good chap.

I have read your suggestions about accomodations and suppose the Novotel will have to do, as at least they might have clean towels there. Will there be fresh flowers in the room and a toilet spray?

Lady Agatha has been reminded to treat you with all the dignity and respect you deserve and you may rest assured this will happen.

We await the details of the reservations being made. Have you made a note of the assumed identities We will have for the purposes of this business?

Further, what news of the X-box? Prince Darren was very insistent this morning and quite spoilt My morning walk with the corgis over Toxteth Heath.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 05 Dec 2002

Your Royal Highness,

I do apologise for referring to Mr. Mokoena in that manner.

I am pleased to say that we have confirmed a flight to Congo, leaving London Heathrow on Saturday.

I trust that this is in order?

As ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed-Pan
Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 05 Dec 2002

My Dear Lady Agatha

These seems further away from our eventual destination than would be easily practicable, unless Mr Mokeona has a jeep? He seems an obliging chappie, perhaps you should check.

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 05 Dec 2002

Your Most Gracious Royal Highness,

I was not aware that tribes these days had jeeps. I will try and contact Chief Mokoena by telephone, but I am not sure how they communicate either. Given his semi-literate state I hope that this does not cause a problem for you, ma'am.

If I may, ma'am, it goes to show that one learns something new each day.

Your humble servant

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed-Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Comment
Date: Fri, 06 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

Good evening.I came to send this mail and saw yours,and I hope to answer your question when I make enquiry.I was putting final touches to the draft of co-operation agreement hence the delay.

There was a point i did not touch in your clarifying mail,and that was where you said you were getting nervous less this matter fails.You need not grow nervous as nothing warrants that at all.Nothing has changed about this business and I will not circumvent you on this matter at all.

As you already know this matter is not meant for two ears,hence my being meticulous not to juggle up things,as that will be detrimental to the business.I cannot talk to any other except you, and this is outlined in the agreement I sent to you moments ago.I beleive that in this way the success of this matter is guaranteed.I have trust in you and I know you will not let me down and vice versa.

Do not be bothered about failure, as there is nothing that will stop the transfer of the funds to your account abroad.I can say the involvement of the banker lays credence to my assertions.If this matter is illegal I do not see how this banker would have been brought into this.With him on the banking side we have no problems.

I must reiterate at this juncture that I am delighted to have you as partner, since to a great extent your background has formed a facade through which this money can be assimilated into your country's financial system without any complications.What else can I look for?You agree with me, that it is one thing to initiate a deal of this nature,and another to have a close knit contact(like yours) that will facilitate the transfer and seal it.Now I beleive you, that you and I form a formidable package.

Please inform me on whom I should be copying my mails to while sending to you.

I hope to hear from you and I remain.

Yours Truly
Jonathan
Princess Margaret

Date: 06 Dec 2002

My Dear Mr Mokeona

Your kind words are much understood and I look forward to giving you all the responses which you so deserve as this business unfolds.

In the mean time you may copy in Lady Agatha to all our communications.

Any news on the X-Box by the way? Prince Wayne has been greatly taken by the new game 'Sucker Time 2', and wonders if this is available in your country?

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Trip to Ghana/Suggestion
Date: Fri, 06 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

May you live long.

Inorder not for us to suffer any undue delay,I have made up my mind to travel to Ghana come Sunday 8th Dec,2002,so I can facilitate the issue of reservation myself.I will also be in Ghana till your arrival on the 14th.Once there I will put a call across to you and hopefully I will furnish you with the telephone number of the hotel I will be staying.This movement is important and has to be made,as it is a less busy period at my workplace due to the approaching holiday.

I spoke with the banker this morning,and he reaffirmed his position in assisting us with the transfer of the funds..He went on to say that the necessary documents for the transfer are ready.I told him that we shall be there on the 14th to meet him on the 16th.He made me know of two other colleagues of him who are helping him with the transfer.

Dear Margaret, considering the work this man is doing for us,is it possible to buy three Bvlgari wristwatches(with chronometer)for the banker and his colleagues,something to show them that we appreciate their involvement and assistance and also to urge them on.The banker is the first individual to run a private bank there,so if this must be done it has to be something worthwhile. I hope you understand.This is only a suggestion.

The other information that you need will be furnished directly from Ghana.Can you give me a code that I can be using to communicate with you in due course.

Regards,
Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Date: 06 Dec 2002

My Dear Mr Mokeona (or may I be permitted to call you Jonathan?)

This is indeed splendid news and We are delighted that things are moving along so quickly. Lady Agatha will have confirmed all the travel arrangements very shortly for Our travel outwards on the 14th.

I was however perturbed that your banker is so casually involving another two people in this matter as discretion is of the utmost important. Here at the Palace, only Myself, Sir Marmite, Lady Agatha know all the details of this business, together with the head of Palace security, Shirley Cantby-Serius, who is always appraised of all royal movements in advance. Is the involvement of others really that wise? Please rush to reassure Me on this point.

You will be pleased to know that I visited Sir Marmite at his Doc's home in Battersea and that he is on the mend. He sends his very best wishes and is sorry that he will not be able to meet you in person.

I will delighted to find some watches for you when I next visit Knightsbridge. I have an account at Tackys, who do a whole range of fine items. This is the least I can do in view of the help you are providing Our family, and I will not trouble you for reimbursement. Is there any other little gifts I can select for your wife or daughters perhaps while I am there? There will be quite a bit of room in the diplomatic pouch!

I wonder if by a similar good favour you are able to provide some items for our little party when We arrive, my dear fellow? I have quite rashly promised Sir Marmite a tribal headress to cheer him up as way of a souvenir present upon Our successful return. If you can locate this item, or even just some spears or old Ju Ju dolls, I will be happy to offer most any asking price to make the old gentleman happy.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 06 Dec 2002

Your most Gracious Royal Highness,

Sir Hugh Janus, the Chancellor, contacted me this morning. He was rather blunt, to say the least, ma'am.

Not only does he feel that Mr. Mokoena is a conman, he is greedy as well, because he wants the Bulgari watches. Sir Hugh found it amusing that (and I quote) 'these darkies can't even get the spelling right' and that 'he's in it just for himself'.

As the Holder of the Bed-Pan it is my sovereign duty to inform you of the Chancellor's objections. Sir Rolf Harris, Immigration Minister, feels that you cannot import a tribal head-dress because of rabies, and Sir Rolf even went so far as to hint that Mr. Mokoena just wants to live in London illegally.

What tea does he favour, if I may ask, ma'am?

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed-Pan
Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com, Sir Marmite
Date: 06 Dec 2002

My Dear Lady Agatha

This is indeed disturbing news. Especially as Mr Mokeona has been such a curteous, polite and understanding corrospendent with Us over a few days now. I have grown quite attached to the little fellow. I am inclined to take him on trust and make the journey as first instinct. If it all falls through, I can always carry on to Mombassa to the Congress there at which I see I have a provisional place reservation. I am sure Marmite will concur when I see him with the grapes and chocolates tonight.

I suggest that I allow Mokeona to defend his reputation against such grave allegations, especially before making any rash decision and will copy this into his address with that view.

By the way please see to the bed pans in the Newman wing; as they haven't been changed in a week.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com, Sir Marmite
Date: 06 Dec 2002

As you wish, ma'am. As Holder of the Bed Pan I am always looking after Yours and the Family's interests.

The Newman Wing is now spotless, as is the Laurie Lavatorial Suite. As ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Lady Agatha Bristol
CC: HRH Princess Margaret
Subject: I AM NOT A CONMAN
Date: Sat, 07 Dec 2002

DEAR AGATHA,

I AM NOT A CONMAN AND NEVER WILL BE.I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THIS STATEMENT. YOU CAN CONFIRM FROM HER ROYAL HIGNESSS,IT'S ONLY A SUGGESTION,AND SHE HAS A RIGHT TO REJECT IT.I OWN ONE TOO,BUT I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING THAT BEFITS A MAN OF THAT CALIBRE.IT MUST NOT BE THAT WATCH,ANYTHING IN THAT GRADE.AS YOU KNOW THIS IS DISCRETIONARY.COME TO TALK OF SPELLING,IT COULD BE TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR.THATS ALL.

JONATHAN
Lady Agatha Bristol

Date: 06 Dec 2002

Your Highness,

If I have offended Mr. Mokoena, or impugned his intergrity I do apologise. But I am duty-bound to point out Her Majesty's Government's concerns.

Sir Hugh Janus also wishes to see more evidence of these funds.

As ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol,
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: You know whom I am
Date: Sat, 07 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

Thanks for your last mail.I wonder who is wrong on the spelling of bvlgari. Yes you could call me Jonathan.I must say that I am not comfortable with the way this new lady you introduced write.I have received subtle insults from her and would appreciate if she could just write you and not copy me. I will write to you alone.She wrote and wants proof of the money,well this is not a problem.

I was not moved by what she wrote yesterday,but i feel that it will be better to avoid receiving more, as tempers might rise.I had to reply to her just to let her know that i do not have such time.

I do not need wristwatches for my wife ,I only suggested something for the banker Nana kwame Boateng and his colleagues.I hope you realise that the banker is not involving these people fully into this business,rather as he said, the amount of cash is enormous and he alone cannot handle it .If you can recall I told you earlier on that kwame Boateng is not aware of the original source of the money,he was only told that the money came from the sale of real estate in Ghana(which incidentally is a hot area of business there).He told me that he has not said anything to anybody,and since he in charge he can carry on at will. He informed me that the paper work will be much.I did not say anything about the security company and the money to him,for security purposes.He further said that his colleagues are also senior bankers,but will assist in many ways.

Like I said earlier the issue of the watches is discretionary, and not a must.You can read my mails again to note this.If you say no,I will not object.Period.

I do not understand what brought about a conman.Is it because I made a suggestion? Why was this not mentioned when I sent the deposit documents in which the handling charges were elaborately stated ?Why was this not stated when I had a tough time retrieving those trunks from Gambia?Why now?That I did not get the spelling right does not make me one(though I know I got it right).,afterall in your mails some spellings are got wrongly(due typographic),and like wise mine to you.Does this make us semi-literate?I do not need it,as i do have some.I do nt intend to write much,a suggestion is optional and does not confer anything on anyone.I beleive in moderation in all I do,and you can sence it from the way I write.

There are a good number of shops where local artifacts can be found on the streets of Accra,at the Kotoka Interantional airport I remember that there is also a shop where such littls africa arts can be easily picked up.

I will resend the co-operation agreement, and there you can see where the issue of re-imbursement of expenses is taken care of.Please my regards to Sir Marmite and I wish him well.

Regards
Jonathan
N/B Do I still go on with the reservation?,inview of recent utterances of your mnew lady.Please tell me
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Date: 07 Dec 2002

My dear Jonathan

You will, I hope, excuse the nagging doubts of some of My servants. This is due to a natural concern for My welfare. As a member of the Royal Family it is absolutely essential that I am protected from any possible disgrace or dishonesty which might effect Our good standing. This is all such suspicions are. In particular Lady Agatha has seen problems arise before. Some time ago, I recall we had problems with a Mr Albert Schweitzer who claimed he was doing some charitable work in Africa. We soon saw through his yarn and sent him packing, I can tell you!

I am satisfied that you are a thoroughly reliable and responsible fellow and will be happy to deal with you on this basis in future, although you will, I am sure, still allow Me some discretion for reasons of security.

If you wife does not require a wristwatch, surely there is still something which I can buy for her when I venture out the shops shortly? Perhaps a pair of comfy slippers from Woolworths or some colourful beads? Thank you for suggestions for shopping when in your country, would it be possible to put aside some colourful masks or ju ju dolls for us to make a selection from when we arrive, or to reserve us a private view?

I am reassured with your opinion of Mr Boateng's suitablity for this project, and please continue your assocation with him on that basis. However do not let him know the exact identity of those he is dealing with.

I have now received the co operation agreement thank you very much and will pass it to Sir Marmite for his examination. I hope that you will bear with us on this one as his medication means he is necessarily a very confused and slow reader.

Please proceed with the reservations as you suggest and as soon as possible, using the secret names I have already allocated to our little party. I will be coming with Lady Agatha and two of the Princes. There will also be Fergie, our dog.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 08 Dec 2002

Your most gracious Royal Highness:

If I have offended Mr. Mokoena, I do offer my most humble apologies. But I was only passing on what the Family consider to be legitimate concerns. I am but a conduit of communication.

As you point out yourself, ma'am, recent attempted negotiations with other prospective partners have proved of a high risk.

Mr. Mokoena, I have passed your thoughts onto the family and as a gesture of goodwill, we have contacted Arthur Daley, the Royal Jeweller who will begin work on a set of diamond and platinum watches for you, your family and Mr. Boateng.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
Dear Madam,

I hope I am not been misunderstood on the issue of the gift for the banker and his colleagues.I personally do not need any.I thought that a gift would be heart warming to a gentleman whose assistance to us is immeasurable at the moment.

I did tell Her Royal Highness that it is a suggestion and as a result optional.

All the talk about platinum is not it,I am talking of a Bvlgari wristwatch.Thats all.Unless you have other ideas.

With this I hope I am understood.Thank you.

Regards
Jonathan
Lady Agatha Bristol
Date: 08 Dec 2002

Subject: Re: Is there need for Plantinum?

Dear Sir,

You must understand that I am but a conduit; a messenger for others' views. My own opinions, whether they be on your integrity or what kind of watches you want are totally irrelevant.

Please be assured that Mr. Arthur Daley's watches are of the highest quality. We are sure that you and your colleagues will enjoy them.

What kind of tea do you favour?
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Follow up
Date: Sun, 08 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

I hope you all are fine.I just read the mail of Lady Bristol and I started to wonder why you have to get a jeweller for the gift,a wristwatch in the category of Bvlgari will do.Thanks for your earlier mail.I understand the concern for your welfare and I am reiterating that I mean no harm,and will always ensure that iIstand for what I signed on the oath of allegience.I bought my flight ticket to ghana already and is confirmed for tonight.Once I get in I will call you and furnish you a number I can be reached on..Please advise on a convenient time frame to call.

As per gift for my wife,I will say you leave it.Let us concentrate on things we have in our hands.

There are quite a good number of African masks that can be found in the arts shop in the Hotel,I am sure of this.Or we could take a drive around some shops for you to make your choice.Since the colour and carvings of these masks are varied and diverse in concept,it will always be advisable to make choices from the range,rather than restricting the choice to mine.

As far as I am concerned,there is nothing I am doing with your real identity on this transaction and do not see any need passing it to the banker.We are in this together and as such should protect each others interest always,in this way we can stay united and achieve success.

I do not know how you feeel,but the co-operation agreement can be signed, scanned and sent,and once received,I do the same.Alternatively it could be signed in Ghana.let me know which is convenient.

By tomorrow I should know which reservation is confirmed,then I will get back to you.This is all for now,Madam and my regards to all.

Hope to hear from you.I remain .

Yours Truly

Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Date: 09 Dec 2002

My Dear Mr Mokeona,

I have found a lovely Bvlgari item for you this weekend and I am sure you will be pleased with it. Its diamonds shine quite lovely as it lays on the desk in front of Me, next the picture of my dear husband Count Monte Cristo.

You may call Me at practically anytime, although I am more likely to be in the office during normal working hours 9 - 5 GMT. Outside of these times I may be walking the corgis around Fred West Park or attending the state bingo sessions at the House of Lords.

I think will be pleasant gesture to exchange the paperwork over a glass of sherry, or whatever passes for such, in Ghana when we finally meet, my dear chap. This will set the seal on our amicable arrangement, I am sure.

I look forward to hearing how our travel itinerary has been formed and what sort of hotel you have so kindly made reservations for us at. Would it be possible to have sent attachments showing any documents pertaining to the arrangements, just to put Sir Marmite's mind at rest? I was with him last night at his sick bed, now at Whipsnade, and he was very nervous about the business despite my reassurances.

Best wishes

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 09 Dec 2002

Your Highness,

We have prepared the Royal Flight to fly to The Congo.

Is this correct?

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
Dear Agatha,

I got you mail.You are flying to Ghana and not Congo.There is a direct flight from London to Ghana daily.You can verify from Her Royal Highness.

How come up to this moment you are still looking at the map of Africa wrongly,this is disturbing to say the least.If this is the case then I doubt if you can make the trip,since you could be going for a visa to Congo other than to Ghana.

Let me know what you have done so far.

Jonathan
Lady Agatha Bristol

Date: 09 Dec 2002

Dear Mr. Mokoena,

I'm terribly sorry. My knowledge of the colonies only extends to the Isle of Wight.

Is Ghana the country next to Sudan?
Jonathan Mokoena
Subject: Give me a flight schedule

Dear Agatha,

Let me hear from Her Royal Highness on the arrangement you are making for the trip.

I have to get a concrete info from her to know what else to do.

Staying just in the hotel till Saturday is boring to say the least.

I await news
Jonathan
Lady Agatha Bristol
Date: 09 Dec 2002

Dear Mr. Mokoena,

Security concerns prohibit outsiders from me telling you any of the Royal party's travel arrangements. I am not sure of your 'boring' comment but Her Highness will not be pleased.

Perhaps Prince Derek was correct about our colonial subjects after all.
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: I had to come back
Date: Mon, 09 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

I had to come back to the net for the simple reason that that I want to touch on one thing.I have already opened up to you,if all these doubts had come up before I got those boxes to Ghana,I would have backed out.

For Christ sake you are with the deposit documents and as a result,you are repository of this whole matter,whom else can I run to?You can still confirm the deposit of those trunks with the deposit Company,but do not talk of the actual contents.

I repeat I am on this alone.

I am still communicating with you on this matter because I cannot talk to another .The sensitive nature of the matter, sort of prohibits me from talking to anyother.It took a lot of courage on my part to make up my mind to write you,because I feared someone turning my offer down and my inadvertently exposing it.

You agree with me that it will be counter productive communicating with another.

You have a duty to relax the old man on this.I cannot harm you neither do I harbour any ill intention.If you are scared, then it means you do not beleive that this matter is existing,but as they say seeing is beleiving.

All the enormous amount of money we hear on foreign magazines that are taken out to foreign accounts did not just get there,it was facilitated by people.You and I can do it,only if agree.

Jonathan

The wristwatch is for Mr Boateng and Co.
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol
Date: 09 Dec 2002

My Dear Mr Mokeona

Please do not take such a tone with Myself, I am unused to such effrontery. May I remind you that the risk of embarrassment and bad dealing as far as the Royal Family is concerned is far more serious and far reaching than your own concerns can ever be.

And please do not refer to Sir Marmite so casually. He has been a loyal retainer to the crown for a good number of years, having fought with distinction at Agincourt, and is naturally just concerned for our welfare.

I have stated My trust in your competance, even though this is all irregular to say the least. I have half a mind to cancel any involvement in this business and spend the 14th December at the Brixton Country Dance Championships instead, where I had provisionally accepted a role before this new matter arose.

Control your manners, young man, or I shall cast you aside.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret

Date: Mon, 09 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

I got your mail though there is a place you have to clarify me on.

Reservation was confirmed this morning by me at La Palm Royal Beach Hotels for 14,15,16 Of December as you pointed out.

> "Would it be
> possible to have sent attachments showing any documents pertaining to the
> arrangements."

Please what does this statement mean?I do not understand.

Every thing is alright only that getting your line is difficult,I will keep trying.

In Lady Agatha's mail she is still talking of Congo at this point in time, when in actual fact you ought to be counting down to this visit,isn't it?I doubt if she has visa,can you tell me.

I am still surprised that Sir Marmite is still sceptical about this venture. What else can I do.It seems to me you will not make this trip afterall,going by the doubts that is tracing this matter up to now.

I have done what I am supposed to do,and I will leave the rest with you.If by Saturday night(14th Decmber)I do not meet with you,I will get back to Ethiopia. This is not the best time for the doubt,all these would have come up before now,and I would have made clarification.

Another is that you should be relaxed with me by now.I do not see what is bringing about the doubt.I am not harming you.I am sure that you all will embrace and appreciate me when you come down and see the money with you two eyes.

This is not something that is impossible,afterall money has moved out of Africa in various means and through the help of Foreigners like you.Why then should an oppurtunity for this mutual business, be scuttled by a mere doubt.If others were succesful in the past,nothing stops this,unless you feel otherwise.

I regret that Sir Marmite is sick,because he is the man that would have made this trip with you,to know that I am not just what he is feeling.I am a christian and I do appreciate my fellow human beign.What will I be gaining hurting you?Absolutely nothing.Afterall I did not know you to send the mail to you.I wish Sir Marmite well.

The ball is now in your court,I am waiting for news from you.Take Care and God bless.

Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Date: 09 Dec 2002

My dear Jonathan

Thank you for putting the reservations through and without a hitch. I assume the agreed secret identities have been used? My remark about documentation was simply a request for some sort of receipt from the Hotel, official confirmation that our arrival has some sort of concrete status. I do not want to be left standing in the street with no where to go but a mud hut for the night, or staring at an smelly little impala, which is what happened in Swaziland one year.

Lady Agatha is clearly rather confused on Geography. You will excuse this temporary blip caused by her former reliance on Laudenam. This is no longer the case but has occasional effects on her faculties.

Has the La Palm Royal Beach got a policy on dogs by the way? Fergie can be rather a handful and tends to nibble at curtains and things if she is excited by new sights and sounds. Perhaps you will be so kind as to alert them to her dietary requirements and to place a request for the chopped chicken liver and evaporated milk she so loves.

Any news on the X-Box by the way?

Please, now I wait to hear from you my dear fellow.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: HRH Princess Margaret
CC: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Subject: This is the pictures of the trunks and the money
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

I thought it wise to send this picture, for you to know that I mean no harm. In your mail of yesterday, there was a statement you made that touched me, and I will like to allay the fears of your servants.

Like I said earlier I have started with you and have to finish with you. This is all I can do and I know that this will make the difference between doubt and reality.

Let me know your final itineary.

Regards,

Jonathan.
Princess Margaret

Date: 10 Dec 2002

My dear Jonathan

There was no attachment, just a jumble of numbers.
Do you jest with us? This is very worrying.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Telephone Number in Ghana
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

I have tried to call your number severally since yesterday and it was not connecting.I will check out hotel again today for paper confirmation as you requested,hope this will be possible .I hope you have put behind you the poor way I addressed Sir Marmite,that was an error.

You can reach me on 233-24-703200,this phone is in my room,i requested for it from the hotel for security purposes,so we can talk for once.I will be glad to hear from you.

Do have a nice day.

Jonathan
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 10 Dec 2002

Your Most Gracious Royal Highness,

I have grave news.

Young Prince Jordan walked into my study this morning to discuss his Royal engagements for the day (the roller-skating dance in the Royal County of Bounds Green) and he saw the e-mail sent by Mr. Mokoena.

He ordered me to explain and I did, swearing him to secrecy.

However, Prince Jordan feels that the picture is just a mocked up, indeed amateurish depiction of money that does not exist.

He stormed out, threatening to tell Princess Amber and even Her Majesty.

What can we do, Your Highness? On top of everything, Mr. Mokoena still won't tell me which tea he favours.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret

Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

I am sorry if it did not come through,maybe it was done correctly. I cannot jest with you,what for?

I am resending it now and hopefully it will come through.

Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 10 Dec 2002

Lady Agatha

This is very disconcerting. I will have contact the Prince to stress the faith and trust I have in Mr Mokeona, even though his paperwork is somewhat awry.

It would be unfortunate if plans were thrown into confusion at this stage. However I know that ever since his accident with the badger baiting ceremony, the Prince has been liable to fits of temper which make reasoning with him difficult.

I am sure Her Majesty will understand.

I believe Orange Pekoe will be sufficient for our friends, or perhaps Pizzle.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 10 Dec 2002

Your Highness,

I am sorry to bring bad news. However, as you rightly say, it could be just a flash in the pan from His Highness.

As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Date: 10 Dec 2002

Dear Jonathan Thank you for the new message. Alas, this is all I get:

Her Royal Highness,
I hope this gets to you now.
Waiting for your response.
Jonathan.

Note: Do not send any mail to me through this account.

X-Apparently-To: jonathan_mokoena@yahoo.com via 216.136.224.65; 10 Dec 2002

02:22:35 -0800 (PST)
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Tue, 10 Dec 2002 02:22:33 -0800 (PST)
To: jonathan_mokoena@yahoo.com
From: "kofi adams" <kofi_cbn1@justice.com>
Return-Path: kofi_cbn1@justice.com
Subject: This is the pictures of the trunks and the money
X-Sent-From: kofi_cbn1@justice.com
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 2002 02:22:33 -0800 (PST)
X-Mailer: Web Mail 5.1.1-3_sol28
Content-Length: 201786

This is a multi-part message in MIME format...

Mary your photos are not comming through. are you attaching them correctly!?

Bill

Content-Type: image/jpeg;
name="copy%20of%20Dollar.jpg";
name="copy of Dollar.jpg"
Content-Disposition: attachment; filename="copy of Dollar.jpg"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64

/9j/4AAQSkZJRgABAQAAAQABAAD/2wBDAAsICAoIBwsKCQoNDAsNERwSEQ8P
ESIZGhQcKSQrKigkJyctMkA3LTA9MCcnOEw5PUNFSElIKzZPVU5GVEBHSEX/
2wBDAQwNDREPESESEiFFLicuRUVFRUVFRUVFRUVFRUVFRUVFRUVFRUVFRUVF
[ lots of that ]

Which is not much help as you will appreciate. Showing him this latest communication at his bedside, Sir Marmite suggested that perhaps it was code of some sort, although neither of us could understand what the long message could be that needed scrambling. We both thought of contacting Sir Sexton Blake, the retired MI5 code breaker for help but decided this would be unnecessary.

Please resend properly if you wish to retain our interest. Time is too short for this sort of problem.

By the way who is Mary, and Bill at BillVOK@aol.com ? I had hoped this business is being kept rigorously discreet and confidential, as I have repeatedly impressed upon you the sensitivity of this business. If you are not serious I will cease all communication, and draw solace from knowing an embarrassing incident has been thus avoided. There are other matters also requiring My regular attention, such as flower arranging classes in the Abbey.

I await your answer.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: Sir Marmite, jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 10 Dec 2002

Your Most Gracious Royal Highness,

More bad news, I'm afraid. I have had an urgent fax from the Foreign Office.

According to Per-Twix Gudsmokesen, who is apparantely a Special Operations Department Operative, the gentleman calling himself 'Bill' is a known fraudster and con artist. This would appear to tally with Prince Jordan's views, if I may say, ma'am.

As ever, I await your instructions and remain,

Your humble servant

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: I am amazed
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

I am truly amazed that the attachment did not come this time around.

I will resend again.what baffles me is that I have been sending attachment to you before now.

I will try again.

Jonathan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Picture of Trunks
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

The picture was not well attached yesterday, that was the problem.

The mails Lady Bristol keeps sending does not send good signals at all.

The paper reservation you want is not done by the Hotel,instead they are asking that you make a telephone call to them to confirm.Thats all.

Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Sir Marmite
Date: 11 Dec 2002

Jonathan,

Thank you so much for the lovely picture of the money. But my dear chap, how will I be able to get these big boxes home? I am intending to travel light, with only hat boxes and a few furs to worry about. The Princes are too young to lug such items back on their back. What do you advise? I would surely chip my nails on the fastenings.

The wall paper in the picture was very attractive, by the way and reminded me of the spare room we have at Emmerdale. Did you get it at Harrods?

I will confirm My travel arrangements shortly. Will it be possible to have a couple of cars waiting for us at the airport?

Best regards

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Dear Margaret,

Thanks for confirming I was disturbed that the attachment could not go through after two trials.You do not need to carry any box on your back.Already we have Mr Boateng in place so we do not need to airlift the boxes.

Lets not bother about getting the wall paper in Harrolds.Have you made the call to the hotel to confirm confirmation made?

Let me know flight details.The hotel will be picking you up at the airport.Once you give me your flight details, I will inform the hotel Management so they await you at the arrival Lounge,pick you up to the hotel and from your room you call me to meet you.this is the arrangement here.In so doing there is no publicity.

I hope to meet you soon and my greetings to Sir Marmite.

Regards,
Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Date: 11 Dec 2002

My dear Jonathan

Sir Marmite (now slightly better, thank you) has asked what security measures will in place at the hotel for a possible terrorist attack. He feels such issues must be resolved before any firm arrival plans are fixed in place, especially after the dreadful taunting and bottle throwing from the Welsh separatists given to Lord Winalot yesterday at Asda. While Lady Agatha will be happy to help out on patrolling the corridors if need be (she has a small Walther PPK in her luggage and has special forces training) naturally she can't be expected to do everything on her own. Please ask the hotel for a reassurance than such matters are in hand, and if armed guards are available as needed - without raising any suspicions, naturally.

Incidentally do you know if your Mr Boateng is any relation to Mr Paul Boateng, an eminent English Labour MP? I will be happy to pass over any Christmas cards or presents if this is the case.

Best regards

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 11 Dec 2002

Your Most Gracious Royal Highness, Prince Jordan is adamant that Mr. Mokoena is (in His Highness' words) 'a filthy swine, a scam artist and a ne'er do well'.

Such strong language! One would not normally associate His Royal Highness with this kind of profanity, but Prince Jordan is adamant that Mr. Mokoena uses several identities to try and worm money out of his victims.

The intelligence reports on Mr. Mokoena, however, from MI6, are inconclusive. Her Majesty remains highly concerned and has distanced herself from this transaction.

I await your instructions.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: "Princess Margaret"
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

The hotel says you will have to take care of your pet,feed it and bath it. another is that you will not be allowed to come with it,except you have a quarantine document to present.

I am amused when i read Lady Bristlo's mails.Why do you condone such utterances? Her utterances sort of put doubt on my mind if you will be able to finalise this matter.Even my comments about it in my earlier mails were not responded to by you.Can you reconcile this?

I doubt your seriousness on this matter if you can be asking question of terrorist barely two days to your earlier schedule.Is this not supposed to be a question of the earlier days?You said Lady agatha will be with you,but she has rained abuses at me with reckless abandon since you brought her into this,how does she intend to shake my hand?

You may have to enquire about Ghana,to be sure of what i will write.This small country has no history of such and are docile people, but hospitable..It is one country that is stable in the sub region,with low crime rate.

I was told that apart from private security personell that were employed by the hotel,that there are trained personell from the force that will handle any emergency.

I do not know any relationship between Kwame and Paul.

Sincerely.

Jonathan
Princess Margaret

Date: 12 Dec 2002

My dear Jonathan

My dear Jonathan, how splendid that the hotel can reassure us about the care of Fergie. Without her daily round of chopped liver, I am afraid tempers get a little frayed in all departments.

Please accept My apologies about the sentiments expressed by Lady Agatha in connection with your good name and character. As previously mentioned, the Prince's behaviour is caused by some hormonal fluctuations created by medication he is undergoing, while Lady Agatha should know better than cast aspetions upon your good self, who remains in My fullest confidence. Please try not to be so touchy during this crucial period, there's a good chap. When we finally meet, I am sure a firm shake of the hand will iron out all substantive differences and queries between us.

I am reassured too by your account of the low crime rate in Ghana. I would hate to flying into some sweaty crook shop.

Now, concerning my arrival on the 14th. I understand that Lady Agatha has spoken to the Hotel, and has made the reservations and therefore all in readiness. Visas have been obtained from The Duchess of Duke Street at the Foreign Office on a confidential basis, quarantine issues have been dealt with, and the watch is safely packed and all ready for you. I suppose the limited security back up available from the hotel will have to suffice, and that Lady Agatha will just have to be extra vigilant. This of course brings its own dangers: I remember vividly the trouble we had last year when she brought down a Hare Krishna collector at Luton Airport, fearing his friendly overtures were a terrorist advance. The poor chap made quite a fuss about his injuries at the end, and we were obliged to make some quiet reparations.

Where and where shall we meet and how will will we know each other? I have a ginger wig and a splendid pair of Armani lemon jeans which, when put on, will surely make Me stand out in the crowd, while allowing a casual anonymity. I propose that I wear these items on the day, together with dark glasses as any holiday maker would. Is this a good idea do you think? Please advise, and work to reassure Me, as I am growing nervous.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 12 Dec 2002

Your Most Glorious Royal Highness,

The arrangements have indeed been made with the hotel, and all is in order.

In light of the third world standard security, I am taking the following equipment:

Glock 9mm
2 x Heckler & Koch MP5
2 x Remington 12 gauge pump-action shotguns
4 x Sig Saur .357 automatics
Pro-Series 10X Sniper Rifle with night-vision scope
6 x Uzi 9mm sub-machine guns
Smith and Wesson .45 pistol
Twin .44 Desert Eagle pistols
12 x TakeDown concussion grenades
2 x P-90 Assault Rifles
2 x Stinger rocket launchers

I hope that this in order.

Please let me know if I need to prepare anything else. I have arranged Orange Pekoe tea for Mr. Mokoena. I hope this is useful.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
Dear Mrs Bristol

Why not come down with the whole arsenal in the British Army armoury.That will be splendid.

Jonathan
Lady Agatha Bristol
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret
Date: 12 Dec 2002

Dear Mr. Mokoena,

The correct form of address is Lady Agatha.

I would point out that the security of the Royal Family is of paramount importance. National Security issues can affect the whole world.

My advice to you would be to show the requisite respect to us - you are dealing with civilized people, not members of your tribe.
Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com, Sir Marmite
Date: 12 Dec 2002

My Dear Lady Agatha

While I am pleased that you value Our security, this seems just a little over the top, and risks making Mr Mokeona entirely doubt our seriousness. Where on earth did you get all this weaponary from? I passed the War Office this morning and they knew nothing of your sudden personal procurement. Have you considered the logistics involved? The import difficulties? I feel we should discard the automatics and the rocket launcher definitely, and perhaps remain with the side arms as an absolute minimum unless I am persuaded otherwise.

I hate to think of Princes Darren and Wayne around anything more substantial, especially after the trouble with had with their catapault during the last speech by Her Majesty. Lord Marmite had a bruise the size of a walnut beneath his silks.

Please down size the ridiculous arsenal at once, before you frighten our hosts off completely.

MARGARET
Marmite Luny-Binns
To: HRH Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 12 Dec 2002

Subject: WORRIED

Your Royal Highness

I am just back at my desk after making some recovery from my unfortunate accident, and am greatly, greatly, alarmed by news of the removal of some small arms and supporting equipment by Lady Agatha from the Women's Institute Brigade offices here at the Palace.

Having further read this message between her and this Mr Mokeona chap I think it is all getting terribly out of hand, and that he is untrustworthy, let alone the risk of Agatha's enthusiasm for personal protection getting out of hand.

We have to ask: what real evidence has Mokeona given us that the money exists, what guarantees does he offer for your safety? Lady Agatha is right to be concerned, but I do not wish to risk a diplomatic incident due to her over enthusiastic manner. Your charging of some very expensive watches to the household accounts is also a matter for concern. Surely such lavish items are not for this fellow? If this continues, I will feel obliged to speak to John Leslie at the Foreign Office.

Please, listen to an old friend and reconsider the whole venture.

MARMITE

PS Thank you for the flowers and chocolates, they were lovely but I prefer soft centres.

Sir Marmite Luny-Binns DFC
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 12 Dec 2002

Your Most Gracious Royal Highness,

Thank you for your request. I would, however, beg you to reconsider. As John Leslie at the Foreign Office pointed out, we are travelling to the third world. These tribesmen are all armed with spears and suchlike and may not like to see their colonial Masters and Mistresses there.

However, per your instructions, I have scaled down the arsenal to just the sidearms.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: "Princess Margaret" Subject: Read this Madam
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

I have done what I am supposed to do towarde this matter,and if there is anything that i cannot do now,then it will never be done. The truth I have unveiled to you,and it's now your own turn to make do your promise,and finalise this matter.

As you already know,I am only taking to you and cannot talk to another. The issue of your security is uppermost in my mind,and anything that affects you on this mission obviously affects me,since we are on this together.I am not immuned to problems too.This was one of the reasons I brought those boxes out of the Gambia.

Your security in Ghana is guaranteed since this country is a tourist attraction and has a good number of foreigners visiting and residing here.All these people go about their business with no fear of molestation. You can enquire.

As I write to you,there is a statistical estimate that over 15,000 nationals of Europe,Asia and American citizens sojourn here in Ghana.This you can see on the beaches,roads,streets and even on the pool side of any good hotel here . I am saying this just for you to know that you have no business being scared. I am not Ghanaian but I must say that this country is serene and as such provides sort of a channel through which the outside world view Sub Region

Nothing negative will befall you on this trip and I hope you can get back to me in good time.

Your Truly
Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Sir Marmite
Date: 12 Dec 2002

Dear Jonathan

Thank you for your kind assurances concerning Our security in Ghana. Naturally you will understand our wariness as we have had some uncomfortable experiences in the Third World before, normally the theft of luggage, and once I had my bottom pinched in Kampala, not a pleasant experience I can tell you.

Do you have a list of recommended restaurants and night clubs which We may peruse? I imagine We will want to get out a bit and enjoy ourselves. Sir Marmite has heartily recommended that the Princes see some of the exotic dancers of the city, and I was wondering if there is a zoo or a slimming club.

We look forward to seeing you on the 14th.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: "Princess Margaret"
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002

Dear Mragaret,

Do not bother I am not frightened by those ammunition,rather it makes a mockery of the whole thing,doesn't it?

Since you will be away for three days or so,I think you can do without fergie,since what we are talking about is of more importance.

Since Mrs Agatha has spoken to the hotel,why not call me yourself and inform me on your arrival on the 14th,I am still in the hotel waiting.

You will have to call me on the phone number I gave you so I will come down to the hotel to meet you.That's all.What time is your flight?Identifying me will not be a problem to you,once you call I will run down to the hotel and meet you,of course you will give me your room number.If you look closely at my passport photo then you will not miss recognising me.

Like I said the hotel staff will pick you up at the airport,this is not my duty to avoid any problem.In this way anonimity is in place.I understand what your dress code will be on arrival,but it will be counter productive for me to the airport,as my intention could be misconstrued.I am trying to be discreet as possible.My dress code within this period will be casua,l to avoid detection from any known diplomat in Ghana.

In Lady Agatha's mail, she wrote items she will come with,that surely will be enough for a trade fair on ammunition in Ghana.If this is true,then those item will nullify the anonimity which you seek

.I expect a call from you before your depature.

My regards to sir Marmite.

Sincerely
Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Date: 12 Dec 2002

Dear Jonathan

I am loathe to travel without My dear Fergie, as she will inevitably pine without Me. I am sure you have a favoured elephant cub or perhaps a baby bullock to which you are attached?

If you can give Me your phone number I will see when either Myself or Lady Agatha can give you a call, at a suitable time. We would not like to be dealing with another person, and I know phones in your part of the world are very unreliable.

I believe our flight will arrive at 5.30, but Lady Agatha who has made the reservations can confirm all that sort of thing. Please try and take an even tone with the dear on the arrangements my good fellow as she is doing her best.

Is there any news about the X-Box by the way? I am sure this will add immensely to the pleasure of our little jaunt if you can have one provided. One can soon get right into the devilish things, and I find myself fairly addicted these days in between state engagements.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 12 Dec 2002

Your Most Respected Royal Highness,

I have organised all the travel arrangements.

However, though I have scaled down the arsenal of weapons, Sir Frank Spencer, Head of Security is very concerned. He does not want members of the Royal Party trying to find Mr. Mokoena, because (in Sir Frank's view, not mine), 'they all look alike, don't they?', and you could end up talking to some malcontent and not Mr. Mokoena.

The X-Box issue is indeed causing consternation. It is becoming very important indeed. Fergie's handler, Arthur Fowler, is on holiday in Wankershire from next week so Fergie will need to travel with us.

Finally, Sir Larry Grayson has contacted me about the transfer of the money. We have £100 notes available and they can be tightly packed in suitcases.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Hope to shake your hands soon
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness May you live long.I can reassure you again that there will not be an untoward behaviour on your person when you are here.From the information I have so far,I can tell you that the avarage Ghanaian is respectful of whites due mainly that aids come in from foreign countries to their country.

As per going out and having some sight scene,this will not be a problem at all.There is no limit to joints that you can peruse in Ghana.There are also a good number of high calibre clubs foreigners like you normally visit.

There are equally good Restaurants here,I hope we can have enough time to go round .

I look forward to shaking your hands for the first time and hope to see you.

If there is anything more,just let me know.Please ask Sir Marmite to be relaxed,and that with time he will talk well about my intention.

May the good Lord lighten our minds.

Regards
Jonathan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Just waiting
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

I am still in the hotel,it is quite boring with just one or two persons to talk to in a day.

I hopoe you can give me your final itinerary and also a phone call. My regards to Lady Agatha and I am happy she has succeded in scaling down her armoury.

Best Wishes,
Jonathan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: About Phone call
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

How are you all?It just occured to me that there is an info I have not given you,that will facilitate our meeting on your arrival in Ghana.

If you are calling me while in the hotel,then you will just call 024-703200, whereas if calling from London you include 233-24-703200.

I am still waiting for your final contact.

Jonathan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: About Contacting Deposit Company
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

Could you please contact the Security Company and inform them of our visit to their office come 16th Dec,2002.It will equally be good informing them of where you are coming from,so it will be treated with every attention and urgency .I hope this date is convenient for you.It will be good to inform them ahead of time, so we do not have to be on the waiting line for our consignment. Or what do you say?

The banker is already aware of our visit to his office next week.

Are you still coming on the 14th?What flight and time?

My greetings to Sir Marmite

Regards
Jonathan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret

Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

Thanks for your update on your travel plans.My telephone in Ghana is 233-24-703200,and I will wait for the call.

I beleive Fergie can be handled well if you fly in with her

The X-box I was told is one of the comnputer programmes that can be found on their system,so they told me.I will wait for your final arrival details.

Regards
Jonathan

Moroneka is obviously not rising to the colonial arrogance heaped upon his head.. either that or he thinks he will exact sweet revenge over cocktails in Ghana...

Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
CC: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: Thu, 12 Dec 2002

Your Most Respected Royal Highness,

I have organised all the travel arrangements.

However, though I have scaled down the arsenal of weapons, Sir Frank Spencer, Head of Security is very concerned. He does not want members of the Royal Party trying to find Mr. Mokoena, because (in Sir Frank's view, not mine), 'they all look alike, don't they?', and you could end up talking to some malcontent and not Mr. Mokoena.

The X-Box issue is indeed causing consternation. It is becoming very important indeed. Fergie's handler, Arthur Fowler, is on holiday in Wankershire from next week so Fergie will need to travel with us.

Finally, Sir Larry Grayson has contacted me about the transfer of the money. We have £100 notes available and they can be tightly packed in suitcases.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: About Contacting Deposit Company
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

Could you please contact the Security Company and inform them of our visit to their office come 16th Dec,2002

.It will equally be good informing them of where you are coming from,so it will be treated with every attention and urgency .I hope this date is convenient for you.It will be good to inform them ahead of time, so we do not have to be on the waiting line for our consignment.Or what do you say?

The banker is already aware of our visit to his office next week.

Are you still coming on the 14th?What flight and time?

My greetings to Sir Marmite

Regards
Jonathan
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Date: 13 Dec 2002

My dear Jonathan

Be a good chap and attend to these details on My behalf. You may tell these banker fellows that My party will be there on the 16th, probably around lunch time and they may wish to put out sandwiches and some cake for us (nothing too dry, and clean cutlery please).

If she has not already done so, Lady Agatha will copy you in on the BA flight details.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 13 Dec 2002

Your Most Gracious Royal Highness,

May I respectfully suggest that we eschew the food offerings. The standards of hygiene in the Third World are far below what We expect, especially as we are dealing with tribesmen.

Yours ever

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 13 Dec 2002

Dear Lady Agatha

Maybe so. I still shudder at the thought of that monkey brain We were given in Angola.

MARGARET
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: On flight details
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002

Her Royal Highness,

I read your mail.The hotel will need your arrival time and flight so they will be at the airport in time to pick you up.

Let Lady Agatha furnish these details so I can pass it on to the hotel management,so you will not have to wait at the airport longer than expected.

Sincerely
Jonathan.
Princess Margaret
Cc: Lady Agatha Bristol, Sir Marmite
Date: 13 Dec 2002

Lady Agatha,

Please will you copy in Jonathan to the details of our flight.

You will also, I am sure wish to acquaint the gentleman with the correct form of address for when we meet.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
To: Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 13 Dec 2002

As you wish, Ma'am.

Mr. Mokoena, We will be on flight BA160 to Cape Town, which I believe is the capital of Ghana. We will be in First Class.

You may call me Lady Agatha, and Her Royal Highness may be addressed as Ma'am or Your Highness. Do not - ever - go to touch Her Majesty, even if it is a tribal gesture. Failure to comply with these regulations could have dire circumstances and none of us want that. Do not even offer your hand unless it is offered first by Her Highness. Do not speak unless you are spoken to, and bow when Her Highness comes into the room.

I'm sure that you can grasp these simple matters of etiquette.

As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Princess Margaret
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 13 Dec 2002

My Dear Lady Agatha

It is a good job that I appreciate your little jokes.
Please put Jonathan out of his misery with the right information.

Jonathan we will be flying out first thing tomorrow morning and so please ensure all is in readiness. We do not wish to be embarrassed by any snarl ups.

MARGARET
Lady Agatha Bristol
Cc: jonathan_mok@fastermail.com
Date: 13 Dec 2002

Your Most Gracious Royal Highness,

I would not joke in Your presence. I have booked the flights to Cape Town, which I believe is in your desired country of Sudan.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
Subject: On your mix up

Dear Agatha,

You have to know I can easily read inbetween the line.This poses no problem at all.If you can hand down some points of etiquette with such dexterity,why then do you mix up simple matters like, destination etc.I do not expect an answer on this.

I wonder.

Jonathan
Lady Agatha Bristol
Cc: HRH Princess Margaret
Date: 14 Dec 2002

Dear Mr. Mokoena,

I would think that you are perfectly aware of my feelings towards you and your tawdry deals.

My agreement is with the rest of the Royal Family - that you are a greedy, ghastly little man whose only interest is in lining his own pockets. If it were up to me, you foul cretin, I would have you arrested. I am, however, duty-bound to follow my orders passed to me from the Royal Family.

Do not expect me to have knowledge of the Colonies or to have anything other than contempt for mendacious criminals such as yourself. As far as I am concerned there was a legitimate mix-up. However, I am sure that we have now sorted out this problem.

I passed on rules of etiquette because that is my job - it was for your benefit because I doubt you've ever met anyone important in your life, apart from your village elders, tribal chiefs or your probation officer.

Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Holder of the Bed Pan
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Agatha's bombshell

Date: Sat, 14 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

I know you have read Agatha's bombshell to me,it's copied to you.

Well the question is where are you in all these and what will happen now? There has never been an admonition from you to her,on her utterances.

Her's is plead and plead,but I still do not understand how a woman like her can get things terribly mixed up.

Jonathan
Princess Margaret

Date: 14 Dec 2002

My dear Jonathan

I apologise deeply for the problems which have beset this business of ours of late, and for poor Lady Agatha's behaviour. To tell the truth I have been sympathetic to her lapses, as we were all under a deal of strain which I felt it best to conceal from you. Lady Agatha has been very close for a number of years to Sir Marmite (they fought in the Falkands toegther) and his recent illness has been very distracting to her.

The worst thing that could have has happened, now My friend, and you should prepare yourself. At 12.08 last night, at his home at the Toxteth Palace, surrounded by many friends and relatives, the beloved Marmite passed on. He had been at his desk, as you know, almost fit as a fiddle a bare few hours before that, brave soul that he was.He was even well enough to horse ride on Edward Heath. But a sudden relapse, brought on perhaps by his unwise exposure during the recent badger baiting tourneys, must have hastened his very sad demise. Naturally I distraught at such a loss for the British Commonwealth, indeed the world.

Of course this will effect our business very much, and We ask that you bear with us. There will be a few days of national mourning, perhaps followed by the funeral at Westminster Abbey. You will I am sure excuse Me from attending on you until the last obsequys have been made.

Sir Marmite (or Smarmy as He was known to staff here at the palace will be sadly missed. I am sure that during the time you knew him, his warm nature and aristocratic charm warmed your heart, as did all who encountered the charm of the brave,one-armed bon-vivant that he was.

In view of this development, I suggest we now arrange a meet up just after Christmas. I do hope that is not too inconvenient, but you can imagine that anything else would be quite out of the question, as I have to console Her Majesty as well as organise some of the formal arrangements.

I am sorry, but I cannot write anything else at the moment, as tears are making it hard to see the keyboard and it was only that I thought a note was in order than I have sent this notice of events.

Sadly yours,

MARGARET
Princess Margaret

Date: 17 Dec 2002

Subject: Invitation to the funeral of Sir Marmite

My dear Jonathan

Thank you so much for understanding about the delay in our business which the sad loss of Sir Marmite has brought. Your silence as a matter of respect in our moment of grief is much appreciated.

I was wondering, as a token of our continuing interest in your scheme, if we can arrange to see you in England during the ceremony. I believe there is a spare seat at the Abbey during Sir Marmite's internment with a good view of the cortege, as well as within easy distance of the snack table. Such has been the breadth and depth of Sir Marmite's business with people, like yourself frequently the educationally underpriviledge from the Dark Continent, that it may just be possible to seat you next to someone you know.

The following names are on the confirmed mourners list, and if there is anyone you recognise, please tell us so that we can seat you together:

Mr Zuma mako, King Etete, Mr Ken Saroviva, Mr Barry Kelly, Engr Lee Yung, Pres Abacha, Jonas Savimbi, Pres Mobutu, Emir Lawco usman of Ugbala, Mrs usman, Emir and Mrs usman II, Pres Mobutu II, Pres Kabila, Mrs Inthebe and two children, Pres Abacha II, Engr Mack Davies, Mr Reginard Tuner, Engr Mack Davies II, Mr and Mrs Fredrick Ndiaye, Pres Abacha III, Chief Michael Williams, Mr Bruce C Warren, Pres Mobutu III, Pres Mobutu IV, Pres Abacha IV, a German man, Pres Kabila II, Engr Allan P Seaman, Mr and Mrs John Simpson and three Simpsonlettes, Engr Creek Johnson, Mr Smith B Andraes, Douglas Adams, Engr John Creek, Engr John Creek II, Mr Barry Kelly II, Dr Andrew Kamara, Mr Daniel B Jones, Mr oyeyemi, Pres Kabila III, Pres Abacha V, Pres Abacha VI, Pres Robert Geui (Ivory Coast), Pres Kabila IV, a deceased person, Mr and Mrs Adamu, Pres Kabila V, Pres Abacha VII, Jonas Savimbi II, Dr Stephen Smith, Pres Robert Geui II, Dr and Mrs Paul Williams, Mr Allan P Seaman II, Pedro F Hasler, Pres Abacha VIII, Engr Johnson Creek II, Mr Robert Eke and several others, Mr John Bennet Mc Donald, Pres Kabila VI, Minister Bundor, Pres Mobutu V, Pres Kabila Vii, Pres Mobutu VI, Dr and Master Butulazi Abinadar, Dr Gambari K, Engr Johnson Creek III, Pres Abaca IX, Mr Nazral Allahi, Mr Tawanda Malinga, Mrs Ann Babara Myers, an investor, his wife and only son, Frank Sago's dad, Mr and Mrs Jackson Oduuche Ogboli, Dr Musa Ibrahim, Dr and Mrs Abubakar, Sadiq Dan'azimi, Chief Mishack Noel, Pres Abacha X, another investor, his wife and son, Col Sylvester Nest, Chief Willson Kumallo, Mr and Mrs Johnson Doglas, Mr Gerrand Schwartz, Mr Barry Kelly III, Mr Smith Sithole, Mr Ernest Robinson and others, Pres Abacha XI, Mr Emeka obinna, Pres Abacha XII, Mr Smith B Andreas II, Mrs Khaled and two sons, Mr Khaled, Engr Johnson Creek IV, Chief Vincent Kamara, Ilichy Miracsky, Captin Stabbin, Michael M Barrymore, and Lonslo Tossov.

Naturally once formalities are concluded in the Abbey, we will be pleased to discuss your very interesting offer in more detail, perhaps over a scam sandwich, as you indeed seem to swallow everything else...

Her Royal Highness Princess Margaret VC, Duchess of Great Tesco, Stewardess of Llareggub, Prioress of Lotto,
Room 101
The Royal Les Dawson Suite
Kensington Doss House,
Buckingham
London
FU2 GlT
Jonathan Mokoena
To: Princess Margaret
Subject: Re: Invitation to the funeral of Sir Marmite

Date: Wed, 18 Dec 2002

Dear Margaret,

I WILL RATHER BE HERE SINCE I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT THE DEAD MARMITE IS ONLY YOUR CREATION AND A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION

I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN THIS IS A JOKE,SO DO NOT BOTHER ANYMORE.I WILL LOOK OUT FOR MORE SERIOUS PEOPLE.

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME AND ENTERTAINMENT.

JONATHAN
Princess Margaret

Date: 18 Dec 2002

Subject: Don't go away mad ....

My dear Jonathan

As always a pleasant surprise to hear from you so promptly, and naturally We are disappointed that you will not be able to make it to Sir Marmite's funeral.

Do not worry about thanking me, as your own gullability and greed has given much pleasure to many people over the months (and will continue to do so, as all your simple-minded messages now appear on the web). Stabbin, Miracsky, Tossov, Marmite, Barrymore, Lady Agatha and the rest send their very least regards and eagerly anticipate encountering you again - in the police reports.

Of course, you may be speaking to me somewhere else, and once again not know it. In which case, like the mean and pathetic advanced fee frauds which you so ineptly attempt, this 'goodbye' could be a little premature...

MARGARET

Oh, and by the way thanks for the lovely clear photocopy of your passport. It will be big help to the prosecuting authorities.
Jonathan Mokoena
Please stop mailing me.
Lady Agatha Bristol

Date: 28 Dec 2002

Sorry, pal! Request denied! Now you know how it feels to be on the end of one of your pathetic 419 scams!

Still. With a bit of luck, maybe the long arm of the police will be knocking on your door soon, so you won't have to worry about e-mails for a while.

Oh, you'll change ISP.

But we'll find you - and you know what? You won't even know it's us, sleazebag. Because even if one single person with an ounce of common sense answers your semi-literate scam e-mails, you have to respond!

Looking forward to continuing our correspondence!
Yours ever,

Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE (you wish!)
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office

scamorama