WAKE IN FRIGHT AT WOLF CREEK

Out of the wilds of Australia by way of the wilds of Europe comes another entry from the hive mind of the ever-busy Eliza Dane, Nick Tamaire ... and others!

Charles Soludo, the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, wants to settle some outstanding contracts - but then he unwittingly makes contact with a cunning and sadistic serial killer from Down Under...

This one had some long breaks.

The Scammers:
Professor Charles Soludo, "Executive Governor, Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).)"
[(The real) Charles Soludo really is Governor of the CBN. This scammer isn't. But you knew that.]
not very ably assisted by
Billy Agu, DIRECTOR CBN OFFSHORE PAYMENT CENTRE, BROOKLYN NEW YORK
Peters Desere, non-speaking cashier
Patrick Iwegbu, non-speaking cashier
Edoho Udobong, ACCOUNTANT GENERAL(CBN)
Mr. Richard Olaleye Lawrence, non-speaking cashier

The Scambaiter:
Mick Taylor, knockabout Outback bloke and sadistic serial killer of backpackers (based on the character played by John Jarratt in the repulsive slasher flick Wolf Creek - with additional input from Kenneth Cook's novel Wake In Fright); not my favourite baiting character, and not one I'll use again.

By the way... lots of old-fashioned Ocker slang follows, and some moments of homophobia. Remember the Monty Python sketch set in the Australian Outback?
Yeah, like that.
Let the fun begin! And we have a familiar name, with a sort of fancy heading.

Professor Charles Soludo

13 Jan 2006

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
QUARTERS, 15 TINUBU SQUARE,LAGOS, NIGERIA.
TEL/FAX: 234-1-435-9681
Our Ref: CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04
IMMEDIATE CONTRACT PAYMENT.
CONTRACT#:MAV/NNPC/FGN/MIN/009

ATTN: HOUNOURABLE CONTRACTOR ,
From the! Records of outstanding contractors due for Payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria, your Name was attached as the next of kin to one of our late contractor.
Your payment has been discovered as next on the list of payment. So, I wish to inform you that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also be advised that because of too many contractors that I have to pay at this final quarter of the year, you will only receive the sum of us $8,000,000, EIGHT Million United StatesDollars.
So that I will be able to pay other contractors, but my promise is that I will make sure that you receive your balance later.
Kindly re-confirm to me the followings:
1. Your full name.
2. Phone, fax and mobile #.
3. Company name, and address.
4. Profession, age and marital status.
5 Account details
As soon as this information is received, your payment will be made to you in a certified bank draft or wired to your nominated bank account directly from Central Bank of Nigeria via HSBC BANK PLC SPAIN Upon filling the the payment approval form.
Call me as soon as you receive this letter for further discussion
CONGRATULATIONS
Yours In Service.
Prof. Charles C. Soludo.
Executive Governor,
Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).


[Well, this is a new modality for me... Let's make contact.]


Mick Taylor

Dear Professor,
Are you sure this was for me?
Regards
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

14 Jan 2006
HELLO MY GOOD FRIEND,
THANK YOU FOR THE E-MAIL WHICH YOU SEND TO ME AND YOU QUESTINGS. THERE IS ONE THING I WLL LIKE YOU TO UNDERSTARD COUNSINING THIS FUND; AS THE CENTRAL BANK GORVENOR, I FUND OUT THAT THE OWNER OF THIS FUND IS LATE AND HIS SON WHO IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE NEXT OF KIN OF THIS FUND DEAD A WITH HIM, THE DEAD IN A MOTOR ACCIDENT, HERE IN NIGERIA, SO IS A VERY BIG OPPORTUNITY TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT BECAUSE THE OWNER IS A FORIGNER, AND NO BODY KNOW ABOUT THIS FUND WE ARE TALKING ABOUT,THIS FUND HAVE BEEN IN OUR BANK FOR OVER SIX YEARS, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT THIS FUND WE ARE TALKING ABOUT IS $12.000.000.00USD, SO IS A VERY BIG OPPORTUNITY FOR BOTH OF US.
PLEASE PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL NOT GO A WITH THIS MONEY WHEN IT GETS INTO YOU ACCOUNTS.
ALSO; ADVISE ME ONE WHAT WE ARE GOING TO INVEST THIS MONEY ON,SO PLEASE SEND YOU BANKING INFORMATION TO ENABLE THE BANK TRANSFER THE FUND INTO YOU ACCOUNT.
REMEMBER THAT I TOLD YOU THAT WE ARE GOING TO SHARE THIS MONEY 50% - 50% EACH.
PLEASE CALL ME THROUGH MY PHONE NUMBER
TEL: +2348060803649
PLEASE SEND ME YOU PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBER SO I CAN REACH YOU.
I AWAIT YOUR MAIL.
MAY GOD BLESS AND YOU FAMILY.
BEST REGARDS
PROF. CHARSLE SOLUDO.



[First off, set up disappointments with the phone. By the way, the number is the CIA 'panic line' from James Grady's novel SIX DAYS OF THE CONDOR.]

Mick Taylor

Dear Professor,
You haven't made this any clearer for me.
The way I see it, you're the Governor of some fucking big bank in Africa, and I'm this knockabout bloke in the Outback. How could I help you? Mate, you're the cove with your finger on the pulse, just what could I do that you couldn't?
Anyway - you can try to call me, there are no guarantees that you can get to me - the service out here you can trust as much as a pollie's promise. My number is 9439-7282. Best of luck.
Do you still want the stuff you mentioned in that first email?
Mick Taylor



[The professor attaches a form that looks surprisingly professional.]

Professor Charles Soludo

19/01/2006
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
TINUBU SQUARE
VICTORIA ISLAND,LAGOS-NIGERIA
Dear Sir.
You are advised to fill the attached FORM and return it back to us as soon as posible so we will pass it to the {WIRE CONTROL ROOM} for the immediate transfer of the FUND into your bank account without delay.I tried calling your phone but the phone number is not correct please include the country code and area code ok.
Best Regaeds,,
Prof. Charles Soludo





Mick Taylor

Dear Prof,
Sorry about the number - I should have added the 03 prefix. But country code? Haven't the foggiest what that is. Try your phone book, it should have a list somewhere.
Mate, looking at this form - no can do. It's asking for all this stuff about Ent Certificatre No, Contract No, and this personal stuff about the contractor bloke. How am I supposed to know that crap? Isn't that in your files? Also, I dunno if I can get this done in a hurry - I can't fill it straight out, it's a JPEG after all, so I gotta find a decent printer.
I'll swing by Doc Tydon over in Bundanyabba, he might have one, or at least know someone who does.
Then I can fax it to you, I guess. But not before you tell me the info I have to write in.
Best Regards,
Mick Taylor


[Bundanyabba and 'Doc Tydon' are references to WAKE IN FRIGHT.]


Professor Charles Soludo

21/01/2006
Dear Mick Taylor
How you will fill the form is just print it out and fill in your bank account informations and the contract sum is us$17million, where you were ask EXECUTED FOR put OIL CONTRACT.
on where they ask CONTRACTOR you will have to put LONDON, BENEFICIARY means your full name, CONTRACT NO. is 44423/LD/OIL/05 and the ENT CERTIFICATE NO. I dont think you have it. The attorney will will assist you to get that.
So please fill it now and send it to us as soon as posible.
Best Regaeds,,
Prof. Charles Soludo
Mick Taylor

Dear Prof,
I'll do it when I can - Doc Tydon was out roo shooting with Jock Hynes and a couple of mates, so I didn't get to talk to him about the printer. Let's see about the form...
CONTRACTOR, LONDON? That doesn't look right. A Contractor would be a company or a person, right? London's the capital of Pommyland, it doesn't do contracts by itself...
Bank address, I guess those'd be your bank...
What's a Zip Code?
What's this about an attorney? I only know them from the cop shows. What do they have to do with any of this?
Better clear this up, mate, can't do nothing until we get it right.
Cheers,
Mick Taylor


[Doc Tydon, Jock Hynes, and the roo shooting reference are also out of WAKE IN FRIGHT.]


Professor Charles Soludo

24/01/2006
Dear Mick Taylor
Sir.
All we need from you is for you to fill in the form and pass it back to us as soon as posible without any more question please.per the ENT CERTIFICATE NO.we know that you will not have it so we will ask the attorney to go and verified what it will cost to procure it and get back to you. the bank address we need is your bank address not mine ok.
Please be seroius on this and whatever you are doing act fast.
Thanks
Prof. Charles Soludo



Mick Taylor

Dear Prof,
Mate, no need to get your knickers in a twist, I'm on the job.
I heard from Doc Tydon today, I'm going to see him and get this form printed. After that, I'll try to find a fax. There'll be one somewhere.
What's this about my bank address? I thought it was where the money is now, not where it's going.
And isn't this dosh going by wire? You don't need addresses for that, do you?
Why the hurry? The dosh is safe, right?
And you didn't answer some other questions, like why an attorney, or what the hell a zip code is.
Why haven't you called? I gave you the area code and the country code should be there in your phone book.
Regards,
Mick Taylor


[The knife through the spine reference is from WOLF CREEK; John Grant is from WAKE IN FRIGHT.]


Mick Taylor

Dear Prof,
Mate, I have the form now, it's waiting for you to explain about Zip Codes and (as well) what a Swift is apart from some bird.
Oh yeah, and you still haven't explained about the bloody attorney either.
For someone who's talking up the need for speed, you ain't living up to it - last time I saw something this slow it had a knife through its spine.
Doc Tyden said the teacher out at Tiboonda, some Pommy named John Grant, has a fax, so when I'm ready (you got that Prof?) I can head over there.
Dunno if I can trust him, Doc says the Pommy is a bit of a poofter, and Doc should know, I swear, he'd shag anything with a pulse, the dirty old so-and-so. I guess I'll just have to make sure that he doesn't see the form, and that I keep me bum to the wall.
Just get the stuff to me, willya?
Mick Taylor



[Nothing for over a month, everything had gone quiet, so I'd written this bait off and put it in the Inactive folder, when, lo and behold, I get this.]

Professor Charles Soludo

p_c_charles@yahoo.com
08/03/2006

HELLO MY GOOD FRIEND .
HOW ARE YOU TODAY I HOPE ALL IS WELL ?PLEASE I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE MOVE YOUR FUND TO OUR AFFILATE BANK IN UNITED STATE OF AMERICA YOU WILL ASK WHY, IFOUND OUT THAT SOMEONE WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY INTO ANOTHER BANK ACCOUNT IN GERMANY.
PLEASE SEND ME YOUR CURRENT TELE- PHONE NUMBER TO ENABLE THE BANK IN U.S.A TO CONTACT YOU PLEASE IS VERY IMPORTANT.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
PROF.CHARLES C.SOLUDO
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR,
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGER


[Sloppy. Niger is a separate country. But you knew that.]


Mick Taylor

Professor
What's going on?
You didn't write for over a month, and now this!
Mick



Professor Charles Soludo

profcharles_csoludo@yahoo.com
18/03/2006
HELLO MY GOOD FRIEND
Please be informed that your telephone number and other details have been forwarded to our affiliate bank in the United States Of America.So,any moment from today,the bank will contact you for verification and payment.
Once you here from them,endeavour to update me.
Regards,
YOU CAN CALL ME ON MY MOBILE PHONE 234-806-080-3649 FOR MORE CON FIRMATION
YOUR'S SINCERELY
PROF CHARLES C.SOLUDO
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN).



Mick Taylor

Professor I haven't heard anything at all. What details did you send? Mick

[Where was that bank again?


Professor Charles Soludo

19/03/2006
MY Dear Friend,
Your details that i forwarded is your telephone number,e-mail address and the amount expected to be remitted into your bank account.If you are making any corrections,please feel free to do so now,so i can forward to our affiliate bank in the United States Of Nigeria.
There is every likelihood that they will contact you early next week.
Yours faithfully,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Professor,
All you've done now is confuse me.
The deal, as you first put it to me, was to transfer the money out of Nigeria to my account here. Then all of a sudden, after a long break, you come back to tell me the dosh has been shifted to some account in America because of some cove trying to shift it to Germany.
Then you say it's back in Nigeria again, and some American bank is going to ring me about it.
What the bloody hell is going on, Prof? It sounds like a proper circus over there.
Regards,
Mick
PS I tried to send a message before but the server cut out. Did you get it?


["Excrow account"?]


Professor Charles Soludo

20/03/2006
Dear Mick,
I am very sorry for the error noticed in my last mail to you.It was supposed to read United States Of America and Not United States Of Nigeria.It was a typographical error.
Meanwhile,i do not seem to understand why you are confused.What i tried to explain to you is that authority has been given to our affiliate bank in the USA to contact you and remit the fund into your nominated bank account.The reason for this change of plan is because somebody tried to present a different bank account in Germany as your own.But you have assured me it's not you.
So,it is expected that our affiliate bank in the USA will deduct the amount from our Excrow account with them and remit into your bank account after all payment requirement might have been met.
Finally,you should endeavour to reconfirm your private telephone number as i will like to call you and discuss with you.
Yours faithfully,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



[A quick bit of misdirection - let's pretend I actually tried to send him the form. I tried to set up a password modality, but the Prof didn't take the bait.]

Mick Taylor

Professor,
I'm confused 'cos I'm not sure if you know which way this thing is going down.
We were going along fine until you dropped out in mid-Jan, nothing for over a month, then you turn up again with a repeat of the second message you sent me first time round. It's like you'd never heard of me before.
Well, at least you know where the dosh ended up. Who was the joker who tired to ship it to Germany? What the hell happened? Mate, if someone is trying to be me, maybe we need some sort of password or something.
Just a thought - all my details were on the form I faxed to you from Tiboonda - didn't you get it? I sent you my phone number right at the start, and it's on the form as well.
Mick



Professor Charles Soludo

20/03/2006

Dear Mick,
Well,you need not be confused as everything is under control.And i will like to assure you that i do know the way things are going.
As for the person who tried to impersonate you,that is being investigated by the bank here.And that is the major reason why our affiliate bank in the USA has been mandated to deal directly with you and remit the fund into your nominated bank account.
As for your telephone number,i thought it was among the details forwarded to the bank in the USA until they started demanding for it.So,it's very important you forward it to me.I've tried locating it on the numerous mails in my box,but i can't.
Please treat as very urgent.
Yours faithfully,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



[The profile is one I sent as part of a short scambait in late 2005 that ended with a rather homophobic outburst, triggered by the Lad demanding "poof of identity". I wasn't enjoying the bait so I used the misprint as an excuse. As the age-old saying goes, waste not, want not; and recycling is a good idea on several levels. ]

Mick Taylor

Prof,
Well, as long as you know, we should be jake.
Like I said way back, you're the bloke with his finger on the pulse - so you'd better know what's going on!
Just what did the bastard who said he was me do? I hope you've tightened up! Mate, if you find out where he is, let me know. I'll deal with the dirty poofter - my way.
I'll give you a profile, like I did to the cove who tried to sell me on some petrol contract deal late last year. It turned out the little bastard was a fucking poofter - got real cut up when he said he thought I was and I told him he'd better apologise, or else. Stopped the biz right in its tracks. Not another word from him!
YOUR FULL NAME: Michael John Taylor
AGE: 51
SEX: Male (100%)
PROFESSION: Mechanic
CONTACT ADDRESS: 131 Wills Road, Fox River, Northern Territory, Australia
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN: Australia (and proud of it)
TELEPHONE NUMBER: 9439-7282 (but no guarantee it'll work)
FAX NUMBER: No fax.
Like I said, you can't trust the phone lines out here.
I hope this does the trick.
Anything else, get onto me pronto - though based on how you've been so far, I won't get my hopes up too high.
Cheers,
Mick



Professor Charles Soludo

20/03/2006

Dear Mr.Micheal,
Well,the telephone number you provided is not correct.What is your city code?I mean telephone City Code number.9439-7282.I tried this number but was told it's an incorrect telephone number.Australia's country telephone code number is 61.So,try find out your city code number pronto and update me.
Yours faithfully,
Prof.Charles Soludo



Mick Taylor

Hi Prof,
Look, don't call me Mr Michael - doesn't sound right. Call me Mick, or Mr Taylor, OK?
Mate, I don't get many overseas calls - strike that, I don't get any overseas calls. I had to dig out my old phone book.
So - near as I can figure it, it's your international code, then 612-08-9439-7282. And then you hope the bloody phone system is actually working.
Pray if you like, but I dunno if that works. I've seen people pray, it didn't seem to do much good.
Mick



[A second Lad joins the party, suffering from chronic CAPS LOCK.]

Billy Agu

22 March 06

DEAR MICHAEL JOHN TAYLOR,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT I JUST RECEIVED A TELEX MESSAGE REGARDING YOUR PAYMENT FILE OF $8M DOLLARS FROM THE DESK OF PROF CHARLES SOLUDO THE GOVERNOR OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.
AS A RESULT, YOU ARE ADVICE TO NOTE THAT THIS OFFICE WILL RELEASE YOUR FUND AFTER ALL YOUR PAYMENT REGULATIONS HAVE BEEN CONCLUDED BY YOU.
PLEASE GET BACK TO ME FOR FURTHER DETAILS TO ENABLE ME UPDATE MY RECORDS.
REGARDS,
MR BILLY AGU.
DIRECTOR CBN OFFSHORE PAYMENT CENTRE
BROOKLYN NEW YORK.
TEL:1-646-202-8815
.



Mick Taylor

Mr Agu,
Just a quick note to confirm that I got this.
What's next?
Regards,
Mick Taylor



Mick Taylor

Professor,
I got this from the bloke in New York - have to say he was quicker off the block than you. You could take lessons from him.
By the way, Prof, what happened to the bloody attorney you was talking about in the early posts? Did we really need him?
You said he'd fill in the gaps in the form - it would've been nice to hear about that when it happened, y'know.
Regards,
Mick



Professor Charles Soludo

22 March 06

Attn:Mr.Mick,
The issue of the attorney does not arise again.We have passed that stage as all the documents here has been signed by the CBN accredited attorney.
Just try to cooperate with our affiliate bank in the USA so that the transfer can be effected soonest.
Yours faithfully,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Billy Agu

23 March 06

DEAR MICK,
THANKS FOR YOUR EMAIL,COULD YOU PLEASE SEND YOUR DIRECT PHONE NUMBER TO THIS OFFICE FOR EASY COMMUNICATION AND TO ENABLE US GIVE YOU MORE DETAILS.
REGARDS,
BILLY.



Mick Taylor

G'day Billy,
Near as I can work it out - I haven't made an overseas call in my bloody life - the number is 612-08-9439-7282. Best of luck calling me, mate, the service out here is dodgy at best. Local calls are on the frisky side, interstate calls are flaky, anything over that, you'd be better of with one of those megaphones. You've been a lot quicker than the joker in Nigeria, keep up the good work.
Regards,
Mick Taylor



Mick Taylor

Prof,
It's not Mr Mick or Mr Michael, OK? I don't want to have to ask again.
I'm working with Billy Agu of CBN and like I said, he's a whole lot faster than you.
Regards,
Mick Taylor



Mick Taylor

Billy,
What's keeping you? It's been three days now mate, and not a bloody word.
Mick Taylor



[Here's the core of it all - hmm, only $1800. I feel insulted.

Billy Agu

29 March 06

DEAR MICK TAYLOR,
THANKS FOR YOUR EMAIL,BUT I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO YOU THAT YOUR FUND OF $15.5M DOLLARS HAVE BEEN APPROVED TO BE WIRE INTO ANY BANK ACCOUNT OF YOUR CHOICE AFTER THE PAYMENT OF $1,800 DOLLARS FOR SIGNING FEE AND WIRE TRANSFER CHARGES.
PLEASE GET BACK TO THIS OFFICE FOR FURTHER DETAILS.
REGARDS,
BILLY AGU.
BROOKLYN NEW YORK
1-646-202-8815.



Mick Taylor

Dear Billy,
I got the message.
Now where are those details?
Mick Taylor



Billy Agu

29 March 06

DEAR MICK TAYLOR,
YOU ARE REQUESTED TO PAY THE STIPULATED BANK CHARGES REQUESTED TO OUR LEGAL CORRESPONDENT PAYMENT CENTRE IN GUANGZHOU CHINA FOR FINAL ENDORESEMENT.
PLEASE PAY BY Western Union MONEY TRANSFER FOR QUICK CONFIRMATION THROUGH THE DIRECTOR OF LEGAL DEPARTMENT.
NAME:PETERS DESERE
ADDRESS:GUANGZHOU CHINA
TEXT QUESTION:WHAT FOR
ANSWER:SUCCESS
YOU ARE ADVICE TO SEND THE MTCN CONFIRMATION NUMBER OF THE Western Union MONEY TRANSFER TO THIS OFFICE TO ENABLE US UPDATE OUR RECORDS.
REGARDS,
MR BILLY AGU.
DIRECTOR OFFSHORE PAYMENT CENTRE
BROOKLYN NEW YORK U.S.A.
TEL:1-646-202-8815.



[Mick Taylor is puzzled; so am I. China's a bit of a diversion!]

Mick Taylor

Billy,
CHINA?
What the bloody hell is this all about?
Look, the bank is in Nigeria - you're in America - why the bloody hell am I sending money to Gangzoo or whatever?
AND you're a bank. Why do you use Western Union? That's for teenagers getting their allowances, for chrissakes!
Mick Taylor



Mick Taylor

Prof, What the bloody hell is this prick on about? Why would a bank in America have money sent through China? Is this bloke on the make or something? Mick Taylor


Professor Charles Soludo

01/04/2006

Dear Mr.Mick,
I want to believe you don't understand the workings of banks.I mean the systems of international fund transfers.The ideal thing to do is to ask questions instead of name calling.
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Prof,
OK, you want questions, here's one.
Why am I sending dosh to China when you and the money are in Nigeria and the joker releasing the cash is in New York?
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

01/04/2006

Mr.Mick Taylor,
The truth of the matter is that the fund is no longer in Nigeria.Approval has been granted from here with authority given to our correspondence bank in the USA to remit the said money into your nominated bank account.Now there is every tendency that they want to make the remittance through their branch in China.I am not too sure of this but you can contact the guys in the USA to find out.But you must remember that since 9/11 restrictions has been placed on the amounts coming into or leaving the USA.
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Prof,
I'll drop Billy Agu a line and ask him to clear it up.
I just don't get what he's saying. Why do it through China? After all, Australia and America are pretty good buddies right now, I dunno why it'd be easier to do any transfer through China. And you got the money to America easily enough, right, did you have to pay a couple of thou for the privilege?
Finally - I don't like forking over a lot of dosh on some bloke's say-so. I think he owes me an invoice.
Regards,
Mick Taylor



Mick Taylor

Billy,
Tell me what the payment is for and why it has to be made to some bloke in China.
I asked you this before, I didn't get an answer.
Mick Taylor



Billy Agu

01 April 06

DEAR MICKY TAYLOR,
THANKS FOR YOUR EMAIL AND THE EXPLAINATION,BUT I WANT TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR TO YOU THAT THE BANK CHARGES YOU ARE REQUESTED TO PAY IS FOR INSURANCE AND WIRE TRANSFER CHARGES AS DIRECTED BY THE MANAGEMENT OF THIS OFFICE.
YOU NEED TO PAY THE MONEY TO CHINA BECAUSE OUR LEGAL CORRESPONDENT PAYMENT CENTRE IS IN GUANGZHOU CHINA AND YOU HAVE TO PAY THE BANK FEE REQUESTED TO THE DIRECTOR IN CHINA FOR FINAL ENDORESEMENT. BE ADVICE THAT THE BANK FEES SHOULD BE BY Western Union MONEY TRANSFER FOR QUICK CONFIRMATION. THIS OFFICE IS ADVICING YOU TO NOTE THAT YOUR FUND IS READY TO TRANSFER TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANY FURTHER DELAY.
PLEASE PAY OFF THE BANK CHARGES REQUESTED TODAY AND SEND THE MTCN NUMBER TO THIS OFFICE TO ENABLE US UPDATE OUR RECORDS.
REGARDS,
MR BILLY AGU,
DIRECTOR OFFSHORE PAYMENT CENTRE.
BROOKLYN NEW YORK.
TEL:1-646-202-8815.



[Mick Taylor may indeed be a knockabout bloke, but being called 'Mr Micky' is too much! ]

Mick Taylor

Mr Agu,
Just because you call yourself Billy doesn't mean you call me Micky. I don't like being called Micky. Don't do that, all right?
Send me an invoice, and I'll go find a Western Union office. They're bit thin on the ground here, so far as I know.
Mick Taylor



Billy Agu

03 April 06
DEAR MICK TAYLOR,
WHAT KIND OF INVOICE DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU?.
PLEASE PAY BY Western Union MONEY TRANSFER TO THE BELOW NAME.
NAME:PATRICK IWEGBU
ADDRESS:GUANGZHOU CHINA
TEXT QUESTION:WHAT FOR
ANSWER:SUCCESS.
WAITING FOR YOUR QUICK RESPONSE.
CONGRATULATIONS,
MR BILLY AGU.


[Lads from Lagos do operate out of China and elsewhere in Asia.]


[Mick is not a patient bloke.]

Mick Taylor

Mate,
The kind of invoice I want is the kind that tells exactly what the fuck I'm paying for.
The sooner you send the invoice the sooner you get the money. Now give!!
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

03/04/2006

Mr.Mick Taylor,
In banking system you can advice an affiliate to remit any fund from your EXCROW account with them.And that is what we did in this instance. Meanwhile,have you been able to clear this up with Billy Agu?
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Billy Agu

04 April 06

DEAR MICK TAYLOR,
COULD YOU PLEASE RESEND YOUR LAST MESSAGE,BECAUSE IT IS NOT CLEAR TO READ.
THANKS,
BILLY.



Mick Taylor

Billy -
You are serious? You didn't understand me?
I'll try again. I want an invoice that tells me exactly what I'm paying for. When I get the invoice I send the money.
Now get on with it.
Mick Taylor



Mick Taylor

Prof,
I dunno what happened - maybe Billy's been on the turps or something - but all of a sudden he can't understand plain English. I dumbed my message down and maybe he'll get it this time.
Mick Taylor


['On the turps' = drunk.]


Billy Agu

04 April 06

DEAR MICK TAYLOR,
MY OFFICE DO NOT GIVE INVOICE TO ENABLE YOU PAY THE BANK CHARGES,THE ISSUE OF INVOICE SHOULD HAVE COME UP WHEN YOU BUY SOME THING IN A SHOP OR A COMPANY AND YOU WANT TO KNOW THE QUANTITY YOU ARE BUYING AND THE PRIZES INVOLE.
THIS OFFICE WILL GIVE YOU RECEIPT OF PAYMENT AFTER YOU HAVE PAID THE BANK CHARGES REQUESTED. WE HAVE EALIER EXPLAINED TO YOU THAT WHAT YOU ARE PAYING FOR IS INSURANCE BOND AND WIRE TRANSFER CHARGES.
PLEASE PAY OFF THIS BANK CHARGES REQUESTED TO AVOID ANY DELAY IN TRANSFERING THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.
TREAT AS URGENT MATTER.
REGARDS,
BILLY.


[That is not really a good explanation of an invoice.]


[I slipped up here - Mick Taylor is supposed to be a mechanic, it might have seemed odd that he'd talk about getting his vehicle repaired. The Lads didn't care.]

Mick Taylor

Billy,
You've been on the grog, haven't you?
Mate, I don't know what shops you go to, but I don't get an invoice when I shop at the supermarket. I look at the prices on the shelves. I get an invoice if I get the ute repaired, or go to the doctor. And I am going to get an invoice from you. I want an official document saying what I'm paying for, how much for each charge you mentioned.
Now do what you're told.
Mick Taylor



[Just a second - now he wants $2200?]

Billy Agu

04 April 06

DEAR MICK TAYLOR,
IAM VERY SORRY THAT YOU DONT KNOW MUCH OF BANKING SYSTEM.
I HAVE ALREADY EXPLAINED THINGS TO YOU AND I DONT THINK YOU SHOULD TEACH ME MY WORK BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN THE BANKING INDUSTRIES HAVE PROCEDURES.
THE TREASURY AND RECORDS DEPARTMENT HAVE CHECKED ALL YOU HAVE TO PAY TO ENABLE YOU RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT, WHICH IS $2,200 DOLLARS ONLY,THEN WHY ASKING QUESTIONS THAT LOOKS STRANGE IN THE BANKING SYSTEM.
I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS OFFICE IS GIVING YOU ONLY $24 HOURS TO GET THINS COMPLETED.



[Mick doesn't react well to threats - or bill-padding.]

Mick Taylor

Billy,
Don't make yourself look like a dickhead. Only dickheads make stupid threats and set stupid deadlines they can't hold people to.
Oh, and while we're at it, you said it was $1800only a few days ago. Now it's $2200. That, sport, is why I wanted an invoice, so I could stop you padding the bills.
Prof, put him right, OK? We don't need his dummy spitting. Kick the bum out.
Anyway, I can't send any money before Thursday as the nearest Western Union is in Adelaide, and I'd have to catch a plane there.
Are we clear?
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

04/04/2006

Mr.Mick Taylor,
Please i need to talk with you.Will you be kind enough to forward your direct telephone number to me?Alternatively you should call me.My direct number is 234 80 60 793316.It's important we talk
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Prof,

What's to talk about? If Billy Agu has been whining in your ear, I don't give a shit. If he'd done his job and not tried to bully me, he'd be jake.
But he tried to throw his weight around.
Mick Taylor



[Billy Agu shouldn't have tried explaining. ]

Billy Agu

05 April 06

DEAR MICK JOHN TAYLOR,
BE ADVICE THAT THE TOTAL BANK CHARGES IS $2,200.
THE INSURANCE AND WIRE TRANSFER CHARGES IS 1,800 DOLLARS WHILE $400 DOLLARS IS FOR SIGNING FEE. PLEASE STOP WASTING OUR TIME AND PAY OFF THE STIPULATED BANK CHARGES REQUESTED TO ENABLE US TRANSFER THIS FUND TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.
AS YOU HAVE EALIER SAID IN YOUR LAST EMAIL THAT THURSDAY WILL BE CONVENIENT FOR YOU TO FLY TO THE CITY WHERE YOU WILL MAKE THE TRANSFER OF THE Western Union,MY MANAGEMENT AND THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF MY OFFICE HAVE AGREED TO GIVE YOU TIME UNTIL THURSDAY.
EAGERLY WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS,
BILLY.



Mick Taylor

Billy,
Don't try to put one over me - let me tell you what you said before: "THE PAYMENT OF $1,800 DOLLARS FOR SIGNING FEE AND WIRE TRANSFER CHARGES".
See that? $1,800 for the lot. Nothing about an extra $400. Don't try to steal from me.
Thanks to your bollocking around, I won't be able to leave until tomorrow.
That means no dosh till Thursday. You and your board and managers and all of that crowd will have to wait.
Like I said before, you don't set deadlines like that.
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

05/04/2006

Mr.Mick Taylor,
What i wanted to do was to make some clarification through the telephone.That way we wouldn't need to be getting confused.But if you don't feel like that,then so be it.
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Prof,
Talking won't get this thing done.
I'm sending the $1800 tomorrow.
Anything to shut up Billy Agu's whingeing.
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

06/04/2006

Mr.Mick Taylor,
Well,i will be most appreciative if you can update me once the fund is remited into your bank account,so that i can give you directive about how you will remit mine.
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Professor Charles Soludo

07/04/2006

Mr.Mick Taylor,
What is happening?I need to know the latest with regards to when the transfer will be taking place.
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Special Scambaiting tutorial
How to fake an email written by a drunk:
[1] Remove glasses; if you don't need or use glasses, borrow a pair from a very myopic friend/acquaintance
[2] Move back to arm's length from keyboard
[3] Go cross-eyed
[4] Try to touch type
[5] When done, clear up the more extravagant bits of gibberish, and send the whole lot on



Mick Taylor

(to Billy Agu)

justr sent yur weesren ujn ionm tofdsy the num bert was 4678252625 queton wkat did bily aguj tey 2stwal fromme andwdeftr #400 now i gottaget anpther beer hae a goid tijmme



Mick Taylor

(to Charles Soludo)

don wttoorry prokn f its dojn e biiill gotr his mojhneu im fije hiow baboujht yiob dyu lklike a beeeer=r wuut yu soend yourrrr money ohn thwn eyou gett ot oz
doj tryden goit some gleshfouuddik liueve thwt stuhff
sere yuo larter
don tglet thjue fuhnennl wbs birte yei



[Billy Agu doesn't seem to mind...

Billy Agu

08 April 06

DEAR MICK TAYLOR,
IAM IN RECEIPT OF THE Western Union MTCN NUMBER BUT YOU NEED TO INCLUDE THE AMOUNT SENT,THE NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE SENDER OF THE Western Union MONEY TRANSFER TO ENABLE MY OFFICE CONFIRM THE PAYMENT.
YOU ARE ALSO ADVICE TO RE-CONFIRM YOUR BANKING INFORMATION TO AVOID ANY WRONG TRANSFER TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.
WAITING TO GET ALL THESE INFORMATIONS TO ENABLE US TRANSFER THIS FUND TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANY FURTHER DELAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
REGARDS,
BILLY.



[However, the Professor definitely does.]

Professor Charles Soludo

09 April 06

Mr.Mick,
What is the meaning of this nonsense?
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Prof:
Short answer - I was drunk.
I'd been out to the pub with Jack Hynes and some of the lads from Bundanyabba and I got back - well, somehow. I don't remember logging on. I don't remember emailing you.
I think I was trying to tell you I'd sent the money to Billy Agu - the rest is small talk, mate, I dunno what I was, er, saying.
Mick Taylor



Mick Taylor

Billy,
I sent that when I was pissed. Don't remember doing it. The number's right (dunno how) and I sent $1800. The question and answer was
Q: How much did Billy Agu try to steal from me?
A: $400.
Name and address? Geez, they never said anything about that at the WU office. Here it is anyway;
Michael John Taylor, 131 Wills Road, Fox River, Northern Territory, Australia.
You want my banking details again? What the fuck do you use for filing over there, sticky notes?
BANK ADDRESS: Commonwealth Bank (Australia)
ACCOUNT NAME: Mr Michael John Taylor
BANK ACCOUNT NO: G641 937 424
Just do it now, OK?
Mick Taylor



Mick Taylor

Billy,
You want to tell me what happens next, mate?
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

12/04/2006

Mr.Mick Taylor,
I think you must have misunderstood my last question.I was asking when the bank in USA or China will remit the money into your bank account in Australia.
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Prof,
I haven't got the foggiest idea what you're talking about.
The last question I got from you was "What is the meaning of this nonsense?" and mate, I don't think that was asking me when the money was arriving.
Anyway - that's Billy's job.
Ask him. I haven't heard for days.
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

13/04/2006

Mr.Mick Taylor,
Why do you want me to ask Mr.Billy about the remittance?It is your responsibility to do that and not mine.I expect you to have done this.
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Prof,
I didn't ask for you to call him. But he works for you - well, your bank - maybe you should. Someone needs to light a fire under that slug's arse - but maybe you're not the one for the job.
Anyway, there's $1800 waiting for him, somewhere, unless the little drongo is too much the mama's boy to go into the WU office and ask for it.
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

14/04/2006

Mr.Mick,
My candid expectation is that you should contact Mr.Billy demanding to know what is holding this transaction.
Regards,
Prof.Charles C.Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Prof, Well ain't you the gent? "Candid expectation" - gawd, you sound like a proper toff. Must be a banker thing...
And yes I did contact Mr Billy. I would very like to boil Mr Billy, if I could find him. Right now, for all the good he's doing, he might as well be a head on a stick.
I'll send him another message. Like it'll do any good.
Mick Taylor


[The "head on a stick" reference is another pinch from WOLF CREEK.]


Mick Taylor

Billy,
I sent you the info, you want to tell me what the fuck you've been doing all this time? Doctor Soludo wants this business done, so get on with it!
Mick Taylor


[But Billy didn't take the hint. And with no further messages from Billy Agu or Professor Soludo, thus ended the bait... Or did it? The bait returns to life for a second time.]


Professor Charles Soludo

20/06/2006

Hello Mick Taylor,
How are you today? It will be very suprise to you hearing from me again, Well, I have been trying my best to see that you get your fund.
You know that I am not the only person in this office but I have make plans and arrangement for you to get this money through certified bank Draft. I will instruc the Remitance department accountant to issue you a draft for confirmation as soon as you get back to me.
Sincerely
Proff.Charls Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Professor,
You'd better have a bloody good explanation for this!
Mick Taylor



[The Professor is a chirpy fellow.]

Professor Charles Soludo

21/06/2006

Mick Taylor,
The Bloody good explanation I will for this is that if you are now willing to get this fund, I will instruct the acountant in the Remitance department to issue the Draft for confirmation. So get back to me as soon as possible. You can call me on 2348020877133 for urgent reasons.
Sincerely
Prof. Charls Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Professor,
Oh, funny bugger, are you?
The bloody good explanation I was waiting for was where the bloody hell were you and Billy. You two drongos dropped out of sight just like Harold Holt. Why?
I left the bloody dosh in WU for over two weeks.
And you're asking if I'm NOW willing to get this fund... you left me in the lurch, not the other way around!
So, what next?
Mick Taylor


[Historical note; Harold Holt was the Australian Prime Minister who vanished off Cheviot Beach in Victoria in 1966.]


Professor Charles Soludo

22/06/2006

Hello Mick,
You may be right you know? But the truth is that you know that I have a lot of things in my hands here to do and also to protect my reputations and image and this is the more reason I directed you to Mr.Billy Agu for easy payment but when I ralised that you have not yet recieved the money when I went through the computer, I found out that the money is still there and when I try to verify from Mr.Billy, he did not give me a resonable explanation so I have to call the money back to pay you through a certified Bank Draft just to save my personality and name from scandal.
So if this is ok by you, get back to me and you will recieve you fund. Just forget about Mr. Billy because he has nothing to offer you.
Truly
Proff.Charles Soludo.



Mick Taylor

G'day Prof,
You bet your bloody arse I'm right!
So Billy turned out no good... well, you know I ain't a bit surprised. He was padding the bill you know. I hope you had him fired so high he never comes back down.
So do you want to get to the point, or do we just sit here and chew the fat like a couple of old mates at the bar?
Mick Taylor


["Chew the fat" - gossip.]


[The Professor does not like Mick's attitude. So much for being chirpy - now he's dead serious. Pity, I was starting to like him, sort of.

Professor Charles Soludo

22/06/2006

Mick,
The way you address me in your mails is insulting, so please change the mode of your address in mails when writing to me. For now, I am still working on Billy and sure he will be fired and will never get any Job else were because he abuse my personality and prevelage given to him. I have told you couple of times to give me a go ahead so that I will instruct my accountant to issue you a Draft for confirmation because now you will be paid through Certified Bank Draft.
Proff.Charles Soludo.



[Professor, take note; it cuts both ways.]

Mick Taylor

Professor Soludo,
You'll call me Mr Taylor from now on, you got that?
Just because you're a Professor and I'm an outback mechanic doesn't mean you've got the right to snob me like that.
Over here I call people as I see them, and so far you've done nothing to get my respect.
And yes, get that bank draft moving.
Mr Mick Taylor



[The Professor quickly folds. Good on him! ]

Professor Charles Soludo

23/06/2006

Hello Mr. Mick Taylor,
I am sorry if I have offended you, but it is just for us to understand very well. You know you customers are always right. I will instruct the accountant to issue you the Draft right away.
Sincerely
Proff.Charls Soludo.



Mick Taylor

Professor Soludo,
Damn right we're always right!
Now, tell whoever your accountant is to get his bloody arse into gear. I don't want another Billy Agu episode, OK?
Mick Taylor



[Here's the accountant. His CAPLOCK problem is compounded by a misprinting of his name.]

Edoho Udobong

Edoho Udobong
24/06/2006

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
INTERNATIONAL REMITANCE DEPARTMENT
TINUBU SQUARE
LAGOS NIGERIA. FROM THE DESK OF:MR.EDOHO UDOBONGACCOUNTANT GENERAL(CBN).
PAYMENT ADVICE ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR CLAIM, I WISH TO CONGRATULATE YOU. YOUR INFORMATIONS WAS FORWARDED TO MY DESK FOR ISSUANCE OF YOUR DRAFT. HOWERVR, YOUR PAYMENT WILL BE MADE AS SOON AS YOU CONFIRM THIS DRAFT AND GET BACK TO US. SO I FORWARD TO YOU THE DRAFT FOR CONFIRMATION BUT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CASH IT BECAUSE IT IS NOT CASHABLE BUT CONFIRMABLE. THE ORIGINAL HARD COPY WHICH IS CASHABLE WILL BE SENT TO YOU THROUGH COURIER SERVICE. SO YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE COURIER CHARGE AND VALUE ADDED TASK.(VAT) COURIER CHARGE:$350 VALUE ADDED TASK(VAT):$1,750 (TOTAL AMOUNT TO BE PAID: $2,100)PAY TO THE ATTENTION OF THE CASHIER MR. RICHARD OLALEYE LAWRENCE: VIA Western Union MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM. AS SOON AS YOU PAY, SEN THE PAYMENT INFORMATION TO AVOID DELAY. 1. SENDER'S NAME: MR.MICK TAYLOR 2. RECIEVER'S NAME: MR.RICHARD OLALEYE LAWRENCE 3. TEXT QUESTION: COLOUR 4. TEXT ANSWER: BLUE 5. DESTINATION: LAGOS NIGERIA AS SOON AS THIS MONEY IS CONFIRMED IN THIS OFFICE, THE CASHABLE HARD COPY WILL BE SENT TO YOU IMMEDIATELY AND YOU HAVE TO FORWARD YOUR PRESENT HOUSE ADDRESS BECAUSE IT WILL BE DELIVERED TO YOU IN YOUR DOOR STEP TO AVOID STORY BECAUSE IF IT GOT LOST, THIS OFFICE WILL NOT BE HEALD RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. SINCERELY MR.EDOHO UDOBONGACCOUNTANT
GENERAL(CBN).




[The accountant now has a new name. Let's see what he says about it.]


Mick Taylor

Mr Udubongaccountant,
Just a couple of things.
[1] If that's how my cheque is going to look, then junk it and get a new one. My name is not "Mick Taylor", not legally anyway. Unless it reads "Michael John Taylor", it's no bloody good.
[2] Why the hell do you have to ask for my address now? It's all on file, isn't it? I gave all my details to you blokes - TWICE. You can't have lost it!
Mick Taylor



[Well - not only did he not notice, but he keeps printing his name the same way. I guess it must be his real name...]

Edoho Udobong

24/06/2006

ATTENTION: MR.MICHALE JOHN TAYLOR,IN RESPONSE TO YOUR MAIL, I WE ARE REALY SORRY FOR THE MISTAKE, HOWEVER, THE MISTAKE HAS BEEN CORRECTED AND ANOTHER DRAFT HAS BEEN ISSUED. SO PLEASE DOWN LOAD AND VIEW IT AND GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY FOR YOUR HARD COPY . THE ORIGINAL HARD COPY WHICH IS CASHABLE WILL BE SENT TO YOU THROUGH COURIER SERVICE.
SO YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE COURIER CHARGE AND VALUE ADDED TASK VAT)COURIER CHARGE:$350VALUE ADDED TASK(VAT):$1,750 (TOTAL AMOUNT TO BE PAID: $2,100)PAY TO THE ATTENTION OF THE CASHIER MR. RICHARD OLALEYE LAWRENCE: VIA Western Union MONEY TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM. AS SOON AS YOU PAY, SEN THE PAYMENT INFORMATION TO AVOID DELAY.1. SENDER'S NAME: MR.MICK TAYLOR2. RECIEVER'S NAME: MR.RICHARD OLALEYE LAWRENCE3. TEXT QUESTION: COLOUR4. TEXT ANSWER: BLUE5. DESTINATION: LAGOS NIGERIAAS SOON AS THIS MONEY IS CONFIRMED IN THIS OFFICE, THE CASHABLE HARD COPY WILL BE SENT TO YOU IMMEDIATELY AND YOU HAVE TO FORWARD YOUR PRESENT HOUSE ADDRESS BECAUSE IT WILL BE DELIVERED TO YOU IN YOUR DOOR STEP TO AVOID STORY BECAUSE IF IT GOT LOST, THIS OFFICE WILL NOT BE HEALD RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. WHILE I ASK FOR THE RECONFIRMATION OF YOUR ADDRESS IS FOR US TO KNOW YOUR PRESENT PLACE OF STAY SO THAT WE WILL FORWARD IT TO THE COURIER COPMPANY WHO WILL BRING YOUR DRAFT TO YOU BUT SINCE YOU ARE STILL IN THE SAME OLD ADDRESS, THERE IS NO PROBLEM YOUR DRAFT WILL GET TO YOU AT YOUR DOOR STEP AS SOON AS YOU PAY FOR THE SERVICES.
SINCERELYMR.EDOHO UDOBONGACCOUNTANT GENERAL(CBN).





Mick Taylor

Mr Udunongaccountant,
First order of business; what the bloody hell is a "Value Added Task"?
And second; you are having me on, aren't you? Paying bank fees by Western Union?
Mick Taylor

PS Get your bloody Caps Lock key fixed. It's a real pain reading your messages.



Edoho Udobong

27/06/2006
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
INTERNATIONAL REMITANCE DEPARTMENT
TINUBU SQUARE
LAGOS NIGERIA.FROM THE DESK
OF:MR.EDOHO UDOBONGACCOUNTANT GENERAL(CBN).ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR MAIL, FIRST YOU SHOULD STOP INSULTING THIS OFFICE AND STOP ALL YOUR THIS DLOODY OF A THING ANT TIME YOU ARE SENDING MAILS TO THIS OFFICE BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS YOUR INSULT. SECONDLY, THIS OFFICE IS NOT IN POSITIN TO ANSWER ANY QUERY BY
YOU BECAUSE WE WORK WITH INSTRUCTION AND EVEN IF WE WANT TO HELP YOU BY GIVING YOU DETAILS, NOT WITH THIS YOUR MANNER OF APPROACH; SO I ADVICE YOU TO GIVE YOUR QUESTION TO THE GOVERNOR
HIMSELF.SINCERELYMR.EDOHO UDOBONGACCOUNTANT GENERAL(CBN).



Mick Taylor

Professor,
Your Mr Udunongaccountant is a prize dickhead. First he sends me a useless cheque sample, and then he asks for a payment including a "Value Added Task" - whatever the bloody hell that is - by Western Union! Is he totally brain dead? You're in a BANK, for Chrissakes! Why should I send the dosh like some kid's pocket money? Then he chucks a hissy fit and tells me not to write to him again. Well, that's no problem. He's one drongo I can do without. What happens now?
Mick Taylor



[Suddenly, there's a change of format combined with a new email address. The text is invisible and only the headers can be seen. Clicking on message source reveals the text.]

Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
27/06/2006
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. Largest, Real-Time Online Banking Network In Nigeria.
Our Core Values Are; Humility, Integrity, Empathy, Resilience
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT CORPORATE HEAD QUARTERSTINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGEINTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLORHAVE YOU RECIEVED THE DRAFT FROM THE ACCOUNT DEPARTMENT? HERE ARE SOME DOCUMENTS FOR YOUR CLAIM, DOWN LOAD TO VIEW THEM. GET BACK TO ME.
YOURS IN SERVICE.
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT CORPORATE
HEAD QUARTERSTINUBU SQUARE, LAGOSCENTRAL BANK OF NIGE
INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT



Mick Taylor

Professor,
What attachments? There aren't any!
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
27/06/2006
ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR,
HERE IS THE DOCUMENTS.
CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU RECIEVE THIS MAIL FOR FUTHER DIRECTIONS.
YOURS IN SERVICE.






[This is intriguing. The form may have been bribed off a bank employee, or stolen. The names of Mick Taylor and (presumably) other potential victims are plainly entered in a different font. Who are the others?]


Mick Taylor

Professor,
What the hell are these for?
You sent me a copy of the cheque - so why these bits of bumpf?
Clue me in, this is really confusing me.
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
27/06/2006
OFFICE OF THE GOVERNOR
ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR MAIL, YOU NEED NOT TO BE CONFUSED ABOUT ANYTHING, THIS IS TO SHOW YOU THAT I AM REALY WORKING FOR THE RELEASE OF YOR FUND AND FOR YOU TO BE SURE OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
YOURS IN SERVICE.PROF. CHARLES C. SOLUDO.
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR,CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)D/L: 234-802-0877-133



Mick Taylor

Professor,
Now I know what Pauline Hanson was feeling. So, in her words - "Please explain!"
I haven't got a clue why you've changed your emails, or what the bloody hell I do next.
Mick Taylor


[They think Mick Taylor's rude? Man, they are so lucky that they didn't get Eliza Dane... and as for deserving respect... OMG.]


Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
29/06/2006
MICK TAYLOR
IN CORESPONDENT TO YOUR MAIL, I CHANGED MY EMAIL DUE TO SOME CIRCUMSTANCE AND SOME DOCUMENT AND WRITE UP WHICH I CAN NOT FIND IN MY MAIL BOX AND I BELIEVE SOME ONE IS MANUPULATING IT. HOWEVER, I SAW YOUR LAST MAIL BEFORE THIS IN THE FORMER MAIL BOX AND I WAS THINKING OF RESPONDING TO IT BEFORE I SAW THIS.
NOW LETS GET STRAIT TO BUSINESS, THE WAY YOU INSULT THE ACCOUNTANT GENERAL IN YOUR MAIL IS TOO APPOLING; PLEASE THIS IS OFFICE AND WE SERVE THE PUBLIC BUT WE STILL DESERVE SOME RESPECT. THE QUESTION YOU ASK ABOUT THE WAY FORWARD, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SEEN THE DRAFT AND CONFIRM IT, THE PAYMENT RELEASE BOND CERTIFICATE AND THE PAYMENT SCHEDUL HAS BEEN SENT TO YOU, SO THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO IF YOU REALY WANT TO GET THIS FUND IS TO PAY THE FEES YOU ARE ASKED TO PAY.
THAT IS THE (VAT) AND THE COURIER SERVICE CHARDGE THEN YOU GET YOUR MONEY AS SIMPLE AS. I HAVE HOWEVER, DONE MY BEST FOR YOU, I PERSONALY HANDLE THE POWER OF ATTORNEY MYSELF BECAUSE I ASKED MY LAWYER TO SIGN EVERY DOCUMENT ON YOUR BEHALF TO SEE THAT YOU DON'T SPEND FOR THAT BECAUSE THEY WUOLD HAVE ASK YOU TO PROVIDE A LAWYER WHO WILL SIGN FOR YOU. YOU ASK ABOUT (VAT) IN YOUR COUNTRY I BELIEVE YOU PAY YOUR TASK AND EVEN IF IT IS NOT A TRADITION IN YOUR COUNTRY, OUR GOVERNMENT APPLIED IT HERE. COURIER SERVICE CHARGE, YOU MUST PAY THE AIR LINE THAT WILL DELIVER YOU DRAFT TO YOU. I BELIEVE I HAVE ANSWERED YOUR QUESTIONS; SO PLEASE SETTLE THE BILLS WITH THE REMITANCE DEPARTMENT AND GET YOUR FUND. WHY YOU ARE BEEN ASKED TO PAY IT THROUGH Western Union IS FOR QUICK CONFIRMATION SO THAT YOU GET YOUR DRAFT WITHIN THE NEXT 24HOURS OF CONFIRMING YOUR PAYMENT



Mick Taylor

Professor,
The format you're using is bloody hard to read. I dunno what it is, but for god's sake, get it put right!
Let me put this straight; I did not insult your Mr Udunongaccountant.
I asked him what the bloody hell a "Value Added Task" was. Then I said that he was pulling my leg by telling me to use Western Union to pay bank fees. Then I told him to get his caps lock fixed because it was making his messages hard to read (like your now).
Well, if he thinks he's been insulted by that, he's a real mama's boy.
You still haven't explained what a Value Added Task is; you tell me that I pay my tasks. What the hell are you talking about? Is this some banker jargon?
Finally - I'm not going to turn into a pumpkin if I don't get the money inside 24 hours - you've kept me waiting for months already. So I'm going to my bank today or tomorrow to see about a direct transfer. After your last little bungle over Western Union, I'm not going down that road again.
Mick Taylor


[Well, the Professor seems to have given up on Western Union.]


Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
29/06/2006
ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR,
IN RESPONSE TO YOUR MAIL, I QUITE UNDERSTAND YOU VERY WELL. TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH YOU DON'T NEED TO AKS YOUR BANK BECAUSE EVERY THING WILL BE DONE HERE AND WIRE TRANSFER WILL ALSO COST YOU MONEY BECAUSE FOR THE START, YOU HAVE TO OPEN A DOMICILARY ACCOUNT HERE WHERE YOUR FUND WILL BE TRANSFERED INTO SO THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO CASH IT IN ANY BANK ANY WHERE IN THE WORLD.
TO OPEN THE DOMICILARY ACCOUNT WILL COST YOU $720.
I TOLD YOU THAT VALUE ADDED TASKL IS A SYSTEM OF TASK WE OPERATE IN MY COUNTRY ADOPTED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AND EVERY BOBY PAYS IT EVEN IN OUR ELECTRICITY BILLS, WE PAY (VAT). I GUES YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME BETTER NOW.
YOURS IN SERVICE
PROF. CHARLES C. SOLUDO. EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR,
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN)
D/L: 234-802-0877-133



Mick Taylor

Professor,
I just realised what you and that Udunongaccountant twat meant by "Task". Bloody TAX! You pair of drongos!
Listen Prof, I don't you to open an account for me. I just want the bloody dosh sent to me, as it was always going to be. I'm going to have the money you're charging - TASKS and all - sent straight from the NAB to the CBN and then you send the cheque. Easy as falling off a log. It should be done by COB tomorrow, and we'll be laughing.
I guess you understand me now, eh Prof?
Mick Taylor


[Drongo - Australian slang term for a stupid person, usually not used in a totally derisive manner.]


Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
30/06/2006
ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR,
NOW I REALISE YOUR PIONT, YOU KNOW THAT THE TYPE OF WORDS YOU USE SOME TIMES BAFFELS ME, AND YOU ALSO KNOW THAT I REALY WANT YOU TO GET YOUR FUND.
THE REASON FOR THE Western Union WAS FOR FAST RELEASE OF YOU MONEY BECAUSE IT WILL BE CONFIRMED THE SAME DAY YOU SEND THE MONEY. BUT PAYING INTO AN ACCOUNT WILL TAKE THREE DAYS OR MORE TO CONFIRM BUT IF YOU PREFARE IT THAT WAY, ASK THE ACCOUNTANT TO GIVE YOU THE ACCOUNT NAME WHICH YOU WILL PAY THE MONEY INTO BECAUSE YOU CAN NOT JUST PAY MONEY INTO ANY ACCOUNT IN THE NAME OF (CBN) ACCOUNT TO AVOID ANOTHER STORY OF BILLY AGU. AND I HAVE NOT TOLD YOU THA BILLY AGU HAS BEEN FIRED AND HIS LICENCE FOR GETING ANOTHER HAS BEEN SEIZED SO FOR HIS LIFE, HE CAN NOT WORK IN ANY ORGANISATION AGAIN. SO PLEASE I DONT WANT YOU TO MAKE ANY MORE MISTAKES AND BLAME ME.
OR IF YOU STILL PREFERE ME TO SEND YOU AN ACCOUNT WHICH YOU WILL PAY THE MONEY INTO FOR QUICK CONFIRMATION AND RELEASE OF YOUR DRAFT.
SINCERELY
PROF.CHARLES SOLUDO



Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
30/06/2006
ATTENTION MICK TAYLOR,
SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU THIS TIME BUT IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD AND BENEFIT, I TRIED CALLING YOUR PHONE NUMBER FOR URGENT REASON, BUT THE NUMBER INDICATES INVALIED AND UNKNOWN. PLEASE CAN YOU KINDLY SEND TO ME YOUR PRSENT DIRECT PHONE NUMBERS SO THAT I CAN CALL YOU ANY TIME. HAD IT BEIN THAT YOUR WENT THROUGH, WE COULD HAVE DISCUSED ON PHONE INSTEAD OF WRITING YOU TODAY AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE OF CALLING ME ON PHONE. PLEASE RECONFIRM YOUR CURRENT PHONE NUMBER FOR ME FOR EASY COMUNICATION. THE PREVIOUS ONE YOU GAVE ME IS THIS:612-0894-397282.
SINCERELY
PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO.
234-802-0877-133



Mick Taylor

Professor,
It's called slang, OK? I'm sure you must have some of your own... actually I know you blokes do. I've been reading your emails.
If I have to send it to a specific account, fine, but I won't be having anything to do with that girlie-man Udunongaccountant, since he spat the dummy, right? Get your other bloke to drop me a line and set things up.
Oh, and get your bloody CAPS LOCK key fixed.
Mick Taylor


[He doesn't like my slang. Like I care... ]


Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
30/06/2006
ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR, YOUR SLANGS ARE ALSO TOO HARD SOMETIMES FOR ONE TO UNDERSTAND; BUT NEVERTHELESS, THAT IS PART OF LIFE BECAUSE I NOW UNDERSTAN SOME SLANGS FROM. THIS IS THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION: GREGORY STEWARTACCOUNT NUMBER:2049859982ROUTING NUMBER:122100024 PAY INTO THIS ACCOUNT AND AS SOOON AS YOU PAY IT, SEND THE PAYMENT INFORMATION TO ENABLE US CONFIRM IT QUICKLY AND HAVE IT IN MIND THAT AS SOON AS YOUR PAYMENT IS CONFIRMED, YOU WILL RECIEVE YOUR HARD COPY DRAFT IN THE NEXT 24 HOURS. SO PAY IT TODAY AND GET BACK TO ME.
AWAITS YOUR URGENT RESPONSE. SINCERELYPROF.CHARLES SOLUDO.



Mick Taylor

Professor Soludo,
I should be able to get the wheels turning tomorrow.
In the meantime - I dunno why you don't get this - GET THAT BLOODY CAP LOCK KEY FIXED.
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
03/07/2006
ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN, PLEASE CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY (GET THAT BLOODY CAP LOCK KEY FIXED.) AND IF YOU HAVE MADE THE PAYMENT, PLEASE SEND THE PAYMENT SLIP TO ME TO ENABLE CONFIRM AND SEND YOUR DRAFT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
AWAITS YOUR URGENT RESPONSE.
SINCERELY
PROF.CHARLES SOLUDO.



Mick Taylor

Professor Soludo, SEE THAT KEYBOARD IN FRONT OF YOU? OK, YOU'LL SEE THAT THERE'S A KEY ON THE LEFT SIDE CALLED CAPS LOCK. PRESS IT ONCE and you'll notice that what you're typing changes to this size.
I guess you must dictate letters because you don't know much about word processing, right?
See you later.
Mick Taylor



Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
03/07/2006
ATTENTION: MR.MICK TAYLOR, Thanks for your lecture and correction. Now back to business, Are you goint to make the payment today? so that I can get things ready for your Draft to move to your place. Awaits your urgent response. Prof.Charles Soludo


[I rewrote a message from a current bait (didn't have to change much) to unsettle the Lads.]


Mick Taylor

Hey Prof,
You want to explain this?
I don't know who the other jokers are, but the one at the top of the list sounds sort of familiar, yes indeedy...
Mick Taylor


NIGERIAN INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT ANTI-FRAUD UNIT
4TH FLOOR MARY LAND, LAGOS NIGERIA
MOTTO: SECURITY WATCH.
FROM THE DESK OF: Dr. William Mark
ATTN:Sir/Madam
RE: BE CAREFUL OF HOODLUMS.
Based on the finding in this investigastion department we wish to warn you against some touts. Wehave been informed that some touts are contacting you in respect to the collection of your fund in the total sum of $8 Million U.S.A Dollars that was long approved in your favour through the Cental Bank of Nigeria.
As a matter of fact we have been on this investigation assignments for some time codely known to no one but the Presidency and some top government official who are in support of this investigation team to help stop fraudalent activities in this country.
Although we have been able to come up with some good result about the people that have try to extorted money from you illegally and i wish to list them so that you will personally indicate them by writting back because we want to make your payment to you without any delay but we must surely deal and bring this names to book ifonly you will indicate correctly any of them.
The names of the Touts that have been arrested are as follows:
1) PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
2) CHIEF JOSEPH SANUSI
3)DR. R.RASHEED
4) BARRISTER AWELE
6)BARRISTER UCHEUZO WILLIAMS.
7)Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Ebi Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
8)Mr. Tunde Lemo Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance / Board Member
9)Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia Deputy Governor - Corporate Services / Board Member
The above listed names are been traced/investigated by the police and some of them have elope the country and note that if any of them is caught and find guilty he/she we go to jailed for 25 years(twenty five years) as it is under the Degree 47 of the constituition of this bank under section of criminal law.
So we are waiting for you to write us and inform us if any of the above names have once contacted you in respect to the your money if yes dont waste time to indicate it immediately. Note that the only office/paying bank that have right to pay or contact you in this Transfer is the Cental Bank of Nigeria which is been headed by the bank Governor. You must deal directly with them and do what so ever you are asked to do because that is the only way you will achive the success of the transaction.
We applogise on behalf of the President and the people of Nigeria for any dealy and lost this most have coursed you and promise that such thing will not happenagain.And if you are dealing with any one of them regarding this payment we urge you to stop because you are taking a big risk and you never find your money any where because your money is with the above named bank.
Finally, we are expecting to hear from you today
Thanks for your good understanding while we wait for your urgent response to this mail.
Yours sincerely,
Dr. Mark Williams
The Investigation Officer (N.I.D)


[More attempted crime clothed in political satire.]


[Professor Soludo is full of concern for my safety. How nice of him. He's very quick to point out the flaws in the letter - shame he can't use his cleverness for constructive things.]

Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
04/07/2006
Mr Mick Taylor,
Thanks for your update of this mail, indeed, I am very greatful to see this. You remember that I told you I have to change my former mail box because I expirience some kind of manipulations in it so you don't have to be worried about this or be suprised but what I want to tell you is to be very careful with the type of mails you recieve and don't respond to any of them because they are not real. Now let me ask you, can a security guard or agent pay someone money without the bank? Is a security investigating team the bank that pays people? With this, you will now know that there are nothing but bunc of liers and touts looking for whome to dupe. Please you have to act fast and claim your money before you fall into their hands and I will find out who did this because I suspect foul play from Billy Agu. Please go ahead and send the money for your draft.
AWAITS YOUR RESPONSE.
AWAYS KEEP ME UPDATE.



Mick Taylor

Professor,
Are you seriously saying that whoever did this is likely to seek me out? Fly all the way to Oz and then come out to the Dead Heart looking for me? I'd like to see them try. There are so many ways I could make their journey a time to remember...
But look at it this way, Prof - this Williams bloke seems pretty well informed. He knows exactly how much the cheque is for, he knows your name...
Time for some straight dope from you, Prof.
I want something that proves who you say you are. If you come up with the goods, and he doesn't, we're jake.
Mick Taylor



[The Prof suddenly goes for some weird pseudo-macho blather.]

Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
05/07/2006
Attention: Mr.Mick Taylor,
No body is going to fly and look for you anywhere, because they are all jokers and only want to extort money from you with the informations they stole from my computer in the office. I have told you before that mail box was tempered and this is the reason I have to change my mail box and write up so that you will be able to get your money and thank God it is hapening now and you can now know why I changed my mail box. Proving whom I say I am depends on you because as soon as you send the money for the courier service charge and (VAT), strait away, you see your Draft at your door step in less than 24hours. A man does not say who he realy is untill when an action is taken and for action to take place, something must motivate it. I am a man of action and a man of my words so the gun is loaded remaining to pule the triger. We are waiting for you to pull the triger by sending the required fees and the gun will be shut by us sending you the hard copy Draft. No time to wast as we are about to enter another quarter to pay other contractors by the 27th of July 2006 and then your payment will be canceled and you will find it very dificult to get your fund again and it my look like the story of Billy Agu again. So act fast because there is no time to wast and I believe you have the account where you will pay the money into. A word is enough for the wise.Awaits your positive response by tomorrow because I have just told you the whole truth of this matter.
Prof. Charles Soludo.


[Mick doesn't take this seriously AT ALL.]


Mick Taylor

Professor,
I don't know whether to laugh at your effort to talk tough or scratch my head at your crap about deadlines.
For Chrissakes, do you really think I'm impressed by that crap about fingers on triggers? Charles Soludo, fearless bank manager... that is priceless.
As for those deadlines... you sure as hell didn't mention them before, when you opened this whole business (back in January).
You can say that I don't need to have proof of who you are. I don't think that's enough. Stop your bluster and send me ID.
Better still, get someone to take a picture of you holding up a copy of the cheque, and send it to me. That way I'll know you're not bullshitting me.
Mick Taylor



[Alas, the Prof ain't biting. ]

Professor Charles Soludo

Professor Charles Soludo soldgovcbn@myway.com
05/07/2006
Attention: Mr.Mick Taylor, I am tired of your talking and bulshit, I can now see that you are not the real owner of this money and as such, I can not condole any of your insults. How can you ask me to take a picture with the Draft so that you will know that it is real wereas I have sent you a copy of the Draft through my accountant and you saw it in your computer, only for you to pay the required fees toget your original copy you are talking jargons and useless slangs.
I understand that you are a play boy trying to steal money that does not belong to you from Nigeria and later you will say that Nigerians are fraudstars. In every of my mails, I always send my pictures and phone numbers attatched to it from my office is that not enough for you to get proof? Why have you decieded to play around with me as if your money is so important to me. You gave me a fake phone number and fake address beecause each time I call you, the phone will say invalid number. This is the last time I will talk with you about this, if the money is yours, send the required fees and claim the money or by the 27th of this Month July, I will hand the money over to a security firm in spain may be you will go there and claim it or if you prefere it that way, I am ready to transfer it immediately and give you their contact info then you go there and see the money and carry it by yourself because I don't eat poeple's money.
YOURS IN SERVICE



Mick Taylor

Oh, give me a break, you cocksucking shit-for-brains!
Some sweaty little wanker con-man tries to lecture me about morality?
You know I'm not the real owner of the money - which doesn't really exist.
You know you're not Charles Soludo.
You know you're a 419 scammer.
Don't you, mugu?
Now go and sell your flabby arse to tourists. It's all you're good for.


[Bye bye Professor, Billy Agu, Mr Ududongaccountant...]
Drongolicious!

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