BIG DADDY'S LAST UNCLAIMED DEPOSIT


Welcome back to Mal Reynolds, Captain of the Serenity, who now as always aims to misbehave!

First time for everything...
An ex-United States Marine matches wits with the highest levels of Nigerian bureaucracy. Take it from me; don't mess with the Corps!

The Scammers
Names in boldface are inactive characters
Dr Usman Shamshudeen (or as he came to be called, Dr Shamsudden), Deputy Governor, Central Bank of Nigeria
[Former. Then Finance Minister. The Lads are counting on Mal not knowing that.]
Senator Ken Nnamani, "Senate President and member of a Presidential committee on foreign contract verification and reconciliation"
Mr Bacar James, Ken Nnamami's WU identity
Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria
[Former. The Lads are counting on Mal not knowing that either.
One would almost suspect an element of political satire in these letters.]

OO is represented in Lad matters by
Mallam Usman Baco, "Special Adviser to the President on International Affairs".

The Baiter
Malcolm Reynolds, an ex-US Marine now living in Central Australia; based on the main character from the TV series Firefly and the movie Serenity.

Western Union gets mentioned, but otherwise plays no major role.

This message arrived in the middle of a flurry of Central Bank of Nigeria emails from Charles Soludo, Tunde Lemo and many others, dealing mainly with 'unpaid contractors'. At first it seemed no different from the rest.


Dr Usman Shamshudeen

[Extra line breaks throughout courtesy of Scamorama, to prevent asphyxiation of the reader - apparently the Lads need to economize on paragraphs.]

12 May 2007

FROM THE DESK OF THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
1A AKINTOLA WAY GARRKI ABUJA.
E-mail: dr_usman08@yahoo.co.uk
RE:PAYMENT AUTHENTICATION.

I AM DR USMAN SHAMSUDEEN DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA, MY OFFICE MONITORS AND CONTROLS THE AFFAIRS OF ALL BANKS AND FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS IN NIGERIA CONCERNED WITH FOREIGN CONTRACT PAYMENTS.

I AM THE FINAL SIGNATORY TO ANY TRANSFER OR REMITTANCE OF HUGE FUNDS MOVING WITHIN BANKS BOTH ON THE LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL LEVELS IN LINE TO FOREIGN CONTRACT SETTLEMENT.
I HAVE BEFORE ME LIST OF FUNDS, WHICH COULD NOT BE TRANSFERRED TO SOME NOMINATED ACCOUNTS AS THESE ACCOUNTS HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED EITHER AS GHOST ACCOUNTS, UNCLAIMED DEPOSITS AND OVER-INVOICED SUM ETC.

I WRITE TO PRESENT YOU TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT THAT YOU ARE AMONG THE PEOPLE EXPECTING THE FUNDS TO BE TRANSFERRED INTO THEIR ACCOUNT AS A FOREIGN CONTRACTOR, ON THIS NOTE, I WISH TO HAVE A DEAL WITH YOU AS REGARDS TO THE UNPAID CERTIFIED CONTRACT FUNDS.

I HAVE EVERY FILES BEFORE ME AND THE DATA'S WILL BE CHANGED TO YOUR NAME TO ENABLE YOU RECEIVE THE FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND'S AMOUNT $7,000,000.00 UNITED STATES DOLLARS (SEVEN MILLION USD).

AS IT IS MY DUTY TO RECOMMEND THE TRANSFER OF THESE SURPLUS FUNDS TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TREASURY AND RESERVE ACCOUNTS AS UNCLAIMED DEPOSITS, I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE YOU BASED ON THE INSTRUCTIONS I RECEIVED RECENTLY FROM THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON CONTRACT PAYMENTS /FOREIGN DEBTS TO SUBMIT THE LIST OF PAYMENT REPORTS / EXPENDITURES AND AUDITED REPORTS OF REVENUES.
AMONG SEVERAL OTHERS, I HAVE DECIDED TO REMIT THIS SUM FOLLOWING MY IDEA THAT WE HAVE A DEAL/AGREEMENT AND I AM GOING TO DO THIS LEGALLY. MY CONDITIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS.

1. YOU WILL TAKE 35% OF YOUR CONTRACT FUNDS AS SOON AS YOU CONFIRM IT IN YOUR DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT.
2. THIS DEAL MUST BE KEPT SECRET FOREVER, AND ALL CORRESPONDENCE WILL BE STRICTLY BY EMAIL / TELEPHONE THAT I WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU, AND THEY ARE PRIVATE FOR SECURITY PURPOSES TO FORESTALL INFORMATION LEAKAGE.
3. YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS WITH YOUR BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION INCLUDING YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBERS.

I WILL ADVISE YOU ON WHAT TO DO IMMEDIATELY I HEAR FROM YOU AND THE TRANSFER WILL COMMENCE WITHOUT DELAY, AS I WILL PROCEED TO FIX YOUR NAME ON THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE INSTANTLY TO MEET THE SEVEN DAYS MANDATE. WAITING FOR YOUR REPLY SOON.

Yours sincerely
DR USMAN SHAMSHUDEEN
DEPUTY GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.

[However, instead of the usual "There must be some mistake" answer, I decided to try something a bit more direct.
I also got his name wrong - will he notice?]

Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
Does your boss know about this?
Malcolm Reynolds

[Apparently not! I'd intended to weave this into another bait, but lookie here, we've got an ID card. This one gets his own bait.
I don't know why he felt the need to identify himself all over again. Perhaps a lot of Lads suffer from ADD.

Dr Usman Shamshudeen
12 May 2007

GOOD DAY,
I AM DR USMAN SHAMSUDEEN, THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA AND IT IS MY OFFICE THAT MONITORS ALL INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER AND IN RESPONSE TO YOUR E-MAIL I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE FACT THAT MY BOSS PROF CHARLES SOLUDO DOES NOT KNOW ANYTHING REGARDING THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION AND I WILL BE VERY GLAD IF YOU CAN KEEP THIS TRANSACTION CONFIDENTIAL AMONGS THE BOTH OF US SO THAT WE CAN ACCOMPLISH OUR GOAL. NOTE: REGARDING THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION, YOU MUST ACT ACCORDING TO THE INSTRUCTION GIVEN TO YOU BY ME SO THAT WE BOTH CAN ACHIEVE THIS GLOBAL AMOUNT OF MONEY, I AM PREPARING ALL THE NECCESSARY DOCUMENTS THAT WILL BACK UP THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION IN THE OFFICE NOW BECAUSE I MUST SUBMIT YOUR PAYMENT FILE TO THE OFFICE OF THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT BEFORE THE END OF TOMORROW. MOREOVER, THE PROCESSING OF THE FINAL TRANSFER OF THIS CONTRACT FUND WILL BEGIN IMMEDIATELY I RECIEVE THE LISTED INFORMATIONS BELOW.

1). FULL NAME
2). CELL PHONE NUMBER
3). HOME ADDRESS
4). A COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR ANY VALID IDENTITY CARD FOR MY REFERENCE.
5). BANKING DETAILS

PLEASE MY DEAR PARTNER, MAKE SURE YOU ACT ACCORDING TO MY ADVICE AND SEND THE ABOVE LISTED INFORMATIONS TO ME IN YOUR NEXT REPLY, SO THAT IT CAN ENABLE ME TO INCLUDE YOUR NAME TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE LIST AND SUBMIT IT TO THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT.
MAKE SURE YOU ACT ACCORDING TO THE INSTRUCTIONS GIVEN TO YOU BY THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT BECAUSE IMMEDIATELY I HAVE INCLUDED YOUR NAME TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE LIST, I WILL SEND A COPY OF YOUR PAYMENT FILE TO THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY AND ALSO TO THE OFFICE OF THE SENATE PRESIDENT AS WELL AND PLEASE DO NOT LET ANYONE OF THEM TO KNOW THAT I AM INVOLVED IN THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION BECAUSE IT MIGHT TERMINATE MY JOB AS THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA, WHICH I HAVE PLANNED THAT IMMEDIATELY THIS FUND HAS BEEN FINALLY TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT BY MY DEPARTMENT, I WILL TRAVEL DOWN TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR OWN SHARE AND WILL ESTABLISH A COMPANY OVER THERE IN YOUR COUNTRY AND SETTLE DOWN WITH MY FAMILY BECAUSE I WILL BE SUBMITTING MY LETTER OF RETIREMENT TO MY BOARD OF DIRECTORS AS SOON AS THE $7,000,000.00 USD HAS BEEN TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

I AM ATTACHING A COPY OF MY OFFICE IDENTITY CARD AND AS WELL USING THIS MEDIUM TO CONGRATULATE YOU MY DEAR PARTNER, WE BOTH HAVE ACHIEVED THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION AND DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION BECAUSE IT IS A VERY CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION, AND I WILL NOT BE HAPPY IF ANY OF OUR OFFICIALS SHOULD KNOW THAT I AM THE ONE THAT INCLUDED YOUR NAME TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE LIST WHICH I BELIEVE YOU KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES THAT IT WILL TERMINATE MY JOB AS THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF CENTRAL BANK.
I EXPECT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE AND DO MAKE SURE YOU GIVE ME A CALL FOR FURTHER DISCUSSIONS REGARDING THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION.

Yours sincerely
DR USMAN SHAMSHUDEEN
DEPUTY GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
+234-8056976923.

[Why settle for less a mere 35%?]

Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
You talk about me as your partner.
Well, let me say just this; I do not intend to be the junior partner. I want an equal share - 50/50 - or it's no deal.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Usman Shamshudeen

[The good doctor is happy to accept just 50% - of nothing.
I'm OK with that.]

14 May 2007

GOOD DAY,
GOOD AFTERNOON MY DEAR PARTNER AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE REGARDING THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION AND I MUST LET YOU KNOW THAT THE CONTENTS OF YOUR E-MAIL WAS WELL NOTED AND UNDERSTOOD BY ME.

ACCORDING TO THE CONTENTS OF YOUR E-MAIL, YOU MADE ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT BEING MY PARTNER REGARDING THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION, WE BOTH ARE SUPPOSED TO SHARE THE SUM OF $7,000,000.00 USD EQUALLY WHICH I QUITE UNDERSTAND AND AGREE WITH YOU AS LONG AS YOU CAN KEEP THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION A SECRET AMONGS THE BOTH OF US, SO THAT THIS CONTRACT FUND WHICH IS THE SUM OF $7,000,000.00 USD CAN BE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR BANKACCOUNT.

MY DEAR PARTNER I AM HEREBY WRITING TO INFORM YOU THAT NO ONE ELSE MUST KNOW ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION BECAUSE I HAVE PREPARED ALL THE NECCESSARY DOCUMENTS THAT WILL BACK UP THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION AND I AM HEREBY AWAITING YOUR FULL INFORMATIONS, SO THAT BY MONDAY MORNING I WILL BE ABLE TO INCLUDE YOUR NAME TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE LIST AND WILL SUBMIT YOUR PAYMENT FILE TO THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT FOR THE STAMPING AND SIGNING OF YOUR PAYMENT FILE. SEND THE INFORMATIONS BELOW IN YOUR NEXT E-MAIL.

1). FULL NAME
2). CELL PHONE NUMBER
3). HOME ADDRESS
4). A COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR ANY VALID IDENTITY CARD FOR MY REFERENCE.
5). BANKING DETAILS

MAKE SURE YOU SEND THE ABOVE INFORMATIONS TO ME IN YOUR NEXT E-MAIL. Yours sincerely
DR USMAN SHAMSHUDEEN
DEPUTY GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
+234-8056976923.

[Of course he is not getting a passport! He wouldn't be getting a driver's licence either - if he'd asked for one; unusual omission. Will he ask about a US citizen living in Australia?]

Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden.
Here's what you wanted.
1). FULL NAME: Malcolm Paul Reynolds
2). CELL PHONE NUMBER: None at present
3). HOME ADDRESS: 2/33 Stuart Drive, Alice Springs, Northern Territory, Australia 0870
4). A COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR ANY VALID IDENTITY CARD FOR MY REFERENCE: State Department regulations rule out copies of my passport, and there is no such thing as an identity card for US citizens.
5). BANKING DETAILS: National Australia bank account number: G937 841 587 - Account holder name: Malcolm P. Reynolds.
Over to you.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

[Apparently he doesn't care where I am now.]

Dr Usman Shamshudeen
15 May 2007

GOOD DAY,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE REGARDING THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION AND I HAVE RECIEVED THE INFORMATIONS WHICH IS NEEDED IN ORDER FOR ME TO INCLUDE YOUR NAME TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE LIST.

MY DEAR PARTNER,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR NAME HAS BEEN INCLUDED TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE LIST AND A COPY OF YOUR PAYMENT FILE HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY FOR REFERENCE AND A COPY WAS ALSO SUBMITTED TO THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT FOR THEM TO STAMP AND SIGN YOUR PAYMENT FILE.

NOW YOU ARE TO CONTACT THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT WITH THEIR CONTACT ADDRESS STATED BELOW.

senatecommitteedept@excite.com
ATTN: SENATOR KEN NNAMANI.

NOTE: YOU ARE TO CONTACT THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT AS ONE OF THE OUTSTANDING FOREIGN CONTRACTORS WHOSE CONTRACT PAYMENT HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA AND PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT TO KNOW THAT I AM THE ONE THAT INCLUDED YOUR NAME TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE LIST BECAUSE IF THEY SHOULD FIND OUT, IT MIGHT LEAD TO AN IMMEDIATE TERMINATION OF MY JOB AND POSITION HERE AS THE DEPUTY GOVERNOR OF CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA, SO MY PLEASE MY DEAR PARTNER KINDLY MAKE SURE YOU ACT ACCORDING TO MY INSTRUCTION TO AVOID UNNECCESSARY MISTAKE.

DO MAKE SURE YOU CONTACT THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT IMMEDIATELY YOU RECIEVE THIS E-MAIL AND UPDATE ME WITH YOUR RESPONSE.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
Thank you for that - but I have to ask some questions.
Firstly - is there an agreed form of words for addressing the senator in this matter?
Secondly, is there any reference code that I should be quoting?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Usman Shamshudeen
16 May 2007

(+1701) GOOD DAY,
THIS IS IN RESPONSE TO YOUR URGENT RESPONSE WITH THE CONTENTS OF YOUR E-MAIL WELL NOTED AND UNDERSTOOD BY ME.
THE REFERENCE CODE OF THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT IS ( FGN/FOU/KTT/WBN/FCTA/VOL.16/07) AND BELOW IS ON HOW YOU WILL ADDRESS SENATOR KEN NNAMANI IN YOUR E-MAIL TO THEIR COMMITTEE.

ATTN: SENATOR KEN NNAMANI,
I MR MALCOLM P. REYNOLDS FROM AUSTRALIA AND I AM CONTACTING YOUR BOARD OF COMMITTEE IN REGARDS TO MY OUTSTANDING CONTRACT FUND OF THE SUM OF $7,000,000.00 USD, WHICH I AM VERY MUCH AWARE THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA HAS APPROVED MY CONTRACT PAYMENT FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER AND HERE IS MY FULL INFORMATIONS FOR CONFIRMATION, PLEASE DO LET ME KNOW WHAT TO DO IN ORDER FOR MY CONTRACT FUND TO BE RELEASED INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT HERE IN AUSTRALIA.
NOTE: YOU ARE ADVISED TO WRITE THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT JUST AS I ADDRESSED IT ABOVE AND MAKE SURE YOU SEND THE SAME INFORMATIONS THAT YOU SENT TO ME TO THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT BECAUSE THEY MUST RE-CONFIRM YOUR INFORMATIONS GENUINE WITH THE ONE THAT WAS SENT TO THEIR BOARD OF COMMITTEE BY MY DEPARTMENT.


MY DEAR PARTNER, PLEASE DO ACT ACCORDINGLY AND GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY YOU HAVE CONTACTED THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT AND DO ALSO MAKE SURE YOU UPDATE ME WITH YOUR RESPONSE. PLEASE My dear partner, FOR FURTHER COMMUNICATION REGARDING THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION,I ADVICE YOU TO ALWAYS INCLUDE THIS CODE NUMBER (+1701) IN

[I never intended for there to be a secret code, just a reference number. Time to act dumb...]

Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
Why this code '+1701'? I don't understand the reason for it.
Are you expecting trouble of some sort? If so, I think you should tell me about it.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Usman Shamshudeen
17 May 2007

(+1701)
GOOD DAY MY DEAR PARTNER,
THANKS FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE WITH THE CONTENTS OF YOUR E-MAIL WELL NOTED AND UNDERSTOOD BY ME. IN RESPONSE TO YOUR E-MAIL REGARDING THE SECRET CODE NUMBER (+1701) WHICH I GAVE TO YOU IN MY PREVIOUS E-MAIL, THE REASON IS NOT BECAUSE I AM EXPECTING SOME SORT OF TROUBLE BUT I GAVE IT TO YOU FOR OUR OWN REFERENCE AND IT MUST BE INCLUDED IN EVERY E-MAIL THAT YOU SEND TO ME UNTIL WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED OUR GOAL. THIS SECRET CODE NUMBER IS KNOWN ONLY BY THE BOTH OF US AND NO THIRD PARTY MUST KNOW ABOUT IT.

HAVE YOU CONTACTED THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT? IF NO , PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU DO THAT IMMEDIATELY SO THAT YOUR PAYMENT FILE CAN BE STAMPED AND SIGNED BEFORE THE END OF THIS WEEK AND SO THAT BY NEXT WEEK, MY DEPARTMENT CAN BE ABLE TO APPROVE THIS CONTRACT FUND FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

UPDATE ME IMMEDIATELY YOU HAVE CONTACTED THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT AND PLEASE DO NOT FORGET OUR SECRET CODE.

[Time for the first slap of this bait, albeit a minor one. Don't worry, there'll be more.]

Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
I'm not being obtuse or deliberately obstructive - I just want to know exactly why that code +1701 is required!
We know who we are, so why this cloak-and-dagger crap? I want to know if there's any reason to be concerned here.
Just as soon as you level with me, I'll do as you want - all I want first is a proper answer.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Usman Shamshudeen
17 May 2007

(+1701)
GOOD MORNING MY DEAR PARTNER,
HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?
I JUST RECIEVED YOUR E-MAIL AND THE CONTENTS IS WELL NOTED AND UNDERSTOOD BY ME AND I MUST CONFESS TO YOU THAT I AM REALLY IMPRESSED IN YOU AND YOU HAVE PROVED TO ME THAT YOU ARE INDEED AN HONEST AND SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN.

IN RESPONSE TO YOUR E-MAIL, THE REASON WHY I INCLUDED THIS SECRET CODE NUMBER IN THE PREVIOUS E-MAIL I SENT TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE INFORMED TO CONTACT THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT IS BECAUSE IMMEDIATELY I INCLUDED YOUR NAME TO THE PAYMENT SCHEDULE LIST AND FORWARDED A COPY OF YOUR PAYMENT FILE TO THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY AND ALSO TO THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT, THE PRESIDENT OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA CHIEF OLUSEGUN OBASANJO PUBLISHED THE NAMES OF ALL THE OUTSTANDING CONTRACTORS IN THE NEWSPAPER AND ALSO ON TELEVISION AND I AM VERY MUCH AWARE THAT THERE ARE INTERNET SCAMMERS ALL OVER THE GLOBE AND I WILL NOT BE GLAD IF YOU FALL A VICTIM TO THEM, BECAUSE THEY MIGHT TRY TO REACH YOU CLAIMING THAT I AM THE CONTACTING YOU AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU ARE IN THEIR NET.

I HAVE MADE ALL THE NECCESSARY ARRANGEMENTS TO MAKE SURE THIS SUCCESSFUL TRANSACTION IS ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT MAKING ANY MISTAKE, THAT IS THE REASON WHY I DECIDED TO BRING OUT A SECRET CODE WHICH WILL ONLY BE MADE USE OF BY THE BOTH OF US UNTIL WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED OUR GOAL.

SO PLEASE My dear partner, KINDLY ACT ACCORDING TO MY ADVICE AND DO CONTACT THE SENATE COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT IMMEDIATELY YOU RECIEVE THIS E-MAIL, SO THAT YOUR PAYMENT FILE CAN BE STAMPED AND SIGNED BY THEIR COMMITTEE TO ENABLE THEM FORWARD YOUR PAYMENT FILE TO MY DEPARTMENT FOR FINAL APPROVAL AND REMIT OF THIS CONTRACT FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

AWAITING YOUR UPDATE AND PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO INCLUDE THE CODE IN YOUR NEXT E-MAIL.

[It's always fun to see a Lad warning against internet scammers.
BTW, the bit about publishing the contractors in newspapers and on TV is just priceless... and gives me some more slapping room!

Despite his urgings, I "forgot" to use the code in my reply. Will he notice?]

Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
So it I hadn't asked, you wouldn't have told me? That is just wrong! You'd have left me wide open to every bunco-artist around, and I have no idea why.
And this - with respect, your President is a prize bonehead! What the hell was he doing throwing around names of people about to be paid large sums of money?
I'm surprised that he didn't send printed invitations to all the grifters and kidnappers in your neck of the woods. Don't you have any Commercial-in-Confidence provisions over there? I am not impressed, believe me!
I'll write as you suggested, but I'm not happy...
BTW, two things.
One, please don't write all in CAPITAL LETTERS, it's like you're SHOUTING AT ME.
Two, put the code somewhere other than the subject line.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

[So, time to contact the next group of Lads. That means more targets!]

Malcolm Reynolds
Attn: SENATOR KEN NNAMANI
Ref: FGN/FOU/KTT/WBN/FCTA/VOL.16/07

Sir,
I MR MALCOLM P. REYNOLDS FROM AUSTRALIA AND I AM CONTACTING YOUR BOARD OF COMMITTEE IN REGARDS TO MY OUTSTANDING CONTRACT FUND OF THE SUM OF $7,000,000.00 USD, WHICH I AM VERY MUCH AWARE THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA HAS APPROVED MY CONTRACT PAYMENT FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER AND HERE IS MY FULL INFORMATIONS FOR CONFIRMATION, PLEASE DO LET ME KNOW WHAT TO DO IN ORDER FOR MY CONTRACT FUND TO BE RELEASED INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT HERE IN AUSTRALIA.

1). FULL NAME: Malcolm Paul Reynolds
2). CELL PHONE NUMBER: None at present
3). HOME ADDRESS: 2/33 Stuart Drive, Alice Springs, Northern Territory, Australia 0870
5). BANKING DETAILS: National Australia bank account number: G937 841 587 - Account holder name: Malcolm P. Reynolds.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Usman Shamshudeen

[And it's down to lower case with the code stuck under the signature. Good Lad!]

18 May 2007

My dear partner,
Thank you very much for your favourable response and i really do understand the contents of your e-mail and therefore using this medium to apologise for any incovenience i might have caused you, as i was only trying to protect our interest regarding the accomplishment of this successful transaction.

My dear partner, please i advice you to make sure you contact the senate committee department on time, so that your payment file will be stamped and signed / release order to my department for final remit of this contract fund into your bank account.

Now that you are about to contact the senate committee department, you are advised to update me with your reply from their committee because there is no way i will know anything without your update, so please my dear partner always update me with your reply from the senate committee department. Once again My dear partner, i apologise for any inconvenience that i might have caused you and i promise never to let such occur again.

Yours sincerely
Dr Usman Shamsudeen
Deputy Governor
Central Bank of Nigeria
+234-8056976923.
(One Seven Zero One)
Senator Ken Nnamani

[We have the Senator, who is right on the money, and apparently believes that there's only one Western Union branch in Australia.]

Malcolm Reynolds

[Back to the good Doctor, with some deliberately quirky placements of the Code... and some outrage.]

Dr Shamsudden,
I'll forward the reply I got from the Senator [1]. I have some issues with it though [7]. He asked me to send money [0]! Is it accepted practice over there to wangle bribes from contractors [1]?

Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Usman Shamshudeen
19 May 2007

My dear partner,
Good morning my dear partner and thank you very much for your urgent response and update, i have acknowledged the contents of the e-mail which was sent to you by the senate committee department and it was stated that you are to make the payment of their official stamping and signing of your payment file which according to them is the sum of $4,500.00 usd.

My dear partner, now that the senate committee department has requested for their official fee charge, we both have to join hands together in order to make the payment because it is under must that your payment file should be stamped and signed by the senate committee department, to enable their committee to submit your payment file to my office so that i can approve this contract fund for immediate remit into your bank account.

I am trying to raise some amount of money down here now and please do let me know how much exactly you can be able to afford, so that we can finalise on the payment of the official fee to enable the senate committee department to stamp and sign your payment file.

(One Seven Zero One)
Chief Olusegun Obasanjo and Mallam Usman Baco

[You'd think the President would have better things to do...]

[Especially as he's not President anymore]

Mallam Usman Baco
21 May 2007

Attn: Malcolm P Reynolds

Kindly open the attachment and comply with the instructions given to you by the president of the federal republic of nigeria.

Mallam Usman Baco,Special Adviser to the President on International Affairs.

Dr Usman Shamshudeen
21 May 2007

From The Desk of
The Deputy Governor
Central Bank of Nigeria
1a Akintola Way, Garrki Abuja.
My dear partner,
Please to avoid delay, i will advice you to write the senate committee department and inform their committee that you are trying to raise the requested fee and that you will get back to them as soon as possible.
According to my previous e-mail, please do let me know the exact amount you know that will be able to afford, so we can both finalise on the payment of the official fee charge that was requested from you by the senate committee department.

(One Seven Zero One)
Malcolm Reynolds

[Of course Malcolm is further outraged! First a complaint to Dr Shamsudeen...]

Dr Shamsudden,
I had heard that Nigeria was a corrupt nation, but I never expected it to be confirmed!
I can expect to pay the bank for its services, yes; but what right would the committee have to charge for anything?
I can recognise the request for a bribe when I see it.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds [1seven0one]
Malcolm Reynolds

[... and then one to that secretary.]

Dear Mr Baco,
I think using the name of the President to solicit bribes is a baaaad idea.
Just do your job, OK?
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
One of those pinheads sent me a letter under the President's name! Has everyone over there got his hand out?
It would be good if they just did their job.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds [one7zero1]
Dr Usman Shamshudeen

[Doctor Shamsudeen goes into damage control.]

22 May 2007

My dear partner,
Good morning my dear partner and thank you very much for your response and also your update from the presidency office.

My good partner, i must confess to you that the senate committee department are not demanding any sort of bribe from you, they are only working according to the instructions given to them and that is the main reason why the presidency also sent you a letter regarding this contract fund, because before the senate committee department can be able to sign and stamp your payment file, there must be an official fee charge that must be paid by the rightful beneficiary of the fund before they can be able to stamp and sign your payment file.

Firstly, i was very glad when i recieved your message that even the presidency sent you a letter concering this contract fund and that is to tell you that all our department has agreed that you are the rightful beneficiary of this fund, as you know that i am the one that included your name to the payment schedule list and none of our staffs should know that i am involved in this successful transaction which we are about to accomplish.

So my good partner, do not have it in mind that the senate committee department are trying to ask for bribe from you before they can be able to stamp and sign your payment file and i will advice you as well to make sure you send an urgent letter to the office of the presidency to thank him for contacting you regarding your contract fund, so that he can know that you are a very good contractor because he already has your file on his desk.

Kindly contact the senate committee department as well and act according to the instructions given to you by the senate committee department because it is under normal circumstances that the senate committee department must stamp and sign your payment file before your payment file can be forwarded to my office for final transfer of this contract fund into your bank account.

Moreover, i still want you to understand as well that if the senate committee department do not stamp and sign your payment file, we both can not accomplish this successful transaction and as you also know that your name has already been included in the payment schedule list and this is the final processing of this successful transaction that we both are about to accomplish, so please my dear partner kindly act according to the instructions given to you by the senate committee department so that we both can have the final transfer of this contract fund into your bank account.

I expect your favourable response immediately.

(One Seven Zero One)
Malcolm Reynolds

[Malcolm's high dudgeon is far from assuaged.]

Dr Shamsudden,
Don't give me that crap!
Why should a bunch of senators, presumably well-paid, demand a sizeable sum of cash if it ain't payola? I'm not going to line the pockets of gorram chair-polishers and paper-shufflers.
The way I see it, if we pay them this money, they'll know we ain't the real McCoy. Before you know it there'll be another [1] fee, and another [7], and another [0], and still another [1], and we'll have no wriggle room. I'm calling their bluff, and so should you.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Senator:
You are a disgrace to your position.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Usman Shamshudeen
22 May 2007

From The Desk of
The Deputy Governor
Central Bank of Nigeria
1a Akintola Way, Garrki Abuja.
My dear partner,

Good morning my dear partner and thanks for your response, i must confess to you that you are delaying the accomplishment of this successful transaction because by now your payment file is supposed to be stamped and signed and then forwarded to my office for final remit of this contract fund into your bank account.

My good partner, we started this successful transaction without making any mistake and i will not be happy if you let me down now because as you know that you,ve already been presented to the federal government of Nigeria as one of the outstanding foreign contractor's and any mistake from either of us could make the other departments feel suspicious that maybe you are not truly one of the outstanding foreign contractor's and if they should find out that i the deputy governor of central bank of Nigeria is inolved in this successful transaction, i believe you know the consequences. I have successfully raised the sum of $1,800.00 usd and i am waiting to hear from you so that i will send the money to the senate committee department as a part-payment so that their committee will not cancel your payment file and please do let me know if you can be able to raise the remaining amount so that we can pay it to the senate committee department, to enable them stamp and sign your payment file.

Let us pay this money so that your payment file can be stamped and signed before the end of this week and so that by next week, your payment file will be forwarded to my office and i will effect the immediate remit of this contract fund into your bank account and so that this successful transaction can be accomplished and so that we both can smile happily together.

My dear partner, please i am counting on you not to let me down, let us accomplish our goal without making any mistakes.

(One Seven Zero One)
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
Don't you listen to what I'm telling you? Once you give them even one dollar, you've as good as put them in charge. They'll have you by the balls! 17
I've got no hassles with paying $4500. What burns my gut is that you expect me to grease palms and swell the bank accounts of corrupt politicians. 01
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Senator Ken Nnamani
22 May 2007

Dear Beneficiary,You are advised to open the attached document and act according to the instructions therein.ThanksRegardsSenator Ken NnamaniSenate President +234-01-8118704.

[He's never received such an embarrassing message? Glad to be the first then. The formatting is exactly as I received it.]

Malcolm Reynolds
If you lay down with dogs, you get fleas... If you slurp at the trough, you get covered with slops...
If you spit in the wind, expect a face full of saliva... You get the idea.
Dr Usman Shamshudeen
23 May 2007

My dear partner,
Thank you very much for your response My dear partner, i really understand the contents of your e-mail and why you are trying to play safe which is very essential but i am assuring you that the senate committee department is not what you think they are, please my good partner do not let us delay the stamping and signing of your payment file because if the senate committee department should cancel your payment file, there is no way we can accomplish our goal any longer and it means all my efforts have been put in vain.
Let us make this payment , so that your payment file can be stamped and signed and forwarded to my office for the transfer of this contract fund into your bank account.

(One Seven Zero One)
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shamsudden,
If they were HONEST Senators, they wouldn't have their gorram hands out for cash, now would they? Sending it by Western Union...
Sheeyah. REAL SENATORS have 1701 REAL BANK ACCOUNTS, not palms to grease!
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Usman Shamshudeen
24 May 2007

My dear partner,
Good morning my dear partner and thank you very much for your response but it still baffles me that you don,t even believe me your partner at all because i have already told you the reason why the senate committee department demanded for the payment of the official fee charge and i must confess to you that, the accomplishment of this successful transaction is being delayed by you and i must confess to you that it seems you just want to put me in trouble.

["[I]t seems you just want to put me in trouble" - oh, I wish!]

Please My dear partner,
let us send the requested payment to the senate committee department to avoid delay, so that your payment file can be stamped and signed / release order to my office for final remit of this contract fund into your bank account.
My dear partner,
please $7,000,000.00 usd is not a token amount of money and i don,t want any situation whereby, my position here as the deputy governor of central bank of Nigeria will be terminated due to your unseriousness regarding the accomplishment of this successful transaction.
Let us finalise on the payment of the official fee charge to the senate committee department, so that our goal can be achieved without any further delay.

(One Seven Zero One)
Malcolm Reynolds

[A little self-righteousness might cause them some angst...]

Dr Shamsudden,
You don't get it, do you? By giving 1701 bribes to those Senators, you've made it so they have control over you - and our deal. If they'd been honest men they'd have signed off on the deal just like that; but they demanded payola, and that's that.
And you went along with it...
Listen up; maybe it's a Nigerian thing to meekly go along with corruption and graft. It's not the American way.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

[It must have worked. This is when they gave up.]

[Did you stumble in here by the back door? Wondering what the heck this is?
See The Main Page.

For some interesting and relevant reading, Scamorama humbly suggests:
Plunkitt of Tammany Hall (George Washington Plunkitt interviewed by William L. Riordon: McClure, Philipps & Co., 1905)
and
McMafia (Misha Glenny, Knopf, 2008) ]

 

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