NASTY, MEAN AND MORPORKIAN



From the Vimes Gang in Argentina.

Oi, Scamoreaders of the world!
Here I am, Melisa Robles, the newest member of the morporkian gang with another short but juicy encounter with a lad. I don't know why but I tend to scare the guys, maybe because they are not accustomed to deal with a woman with personality, they like the ladies meek and submissive, the bastards!

This little story is called "Nasty, mean and morporkian" and this is its short cast:

Melisa Robles - Mean lady with a turbulent past
John "Jay" Coleman - Self-centered cold-hearted orphan
Rose "Silent Bob" Coleman - The little sister who has nothing to say

It starts with a heart-breaking letter:


JOHN COLEMAN

Rosejoco84@netscape.net - Mon, 3 May 2004 08:37:17 -0300

Asunto: Urgent Appeal For Assistance

DEAR FRIEND,
I AM MR. JOHN COLEMAN AND MY SISTER IS MISS ROSE COLEMAN, WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF LATE CHIEF PAUL COLEMAN FROM SIERRA LEONE. I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER OUR CASH OF TWENTY ONE MILLION DOLLARS($21,000,000.00) NOW IN COSTUDY OF A PRIVATE SECURITY FIRM IN EUROPE .THE MONEY IS IN TWO TRUNK BOXES DEPOSITED AND DECLARED AS FAMILY VALUABLES BY MY LATE FATHER. AS A MATTER OF FACT THE COMPANY DOES NOT KNOW THE CONTENT AS MONEY, ALTHOUGH MY FATHER MADE THEM UNDERSTAND THAT THE BOXES BELONG TO HIS FOREIGN PARTNER.

SOURCE OF THE MONEY:

MY LATE FATHER,CHIEF PAUL COLEMAN,A NATIVE OF MENDE DESTRICT IN NORTHERN SIERRA LEONE,WAS THE GENERAL MANAGER OF SIERRA LEONE MINNING COOPERATION(S.L.M.C)FREETOWN.ACCORDING TO MY FATHER,THIS MONEY WAS THE INCOME ACCRUED FROM THE MINNING COOPERATIONÕS OVERDRAFT AND MINOR SALES.

BEFORE THE PEAK OF THE CIVIL WAR BETWEEN THE REBEL FORCES OF MAJOR PAUL KOROMA AND THE COMBINED FORCES OF ÒECOMOGÓ PEACE KEEPING OPERATION THAT ALMOST DESTROYED MY COUNTRY, FOLLOWING THE FORCES REMOVAL FROM POWER THE ELECTED CIVILIAN PRESIDENT AHMED TEJAN KABBAH BY THE REBELS. MY FATHER HAD ALREADY MADE ARRANGEMENT FOR HIS FAMILY ,THAT IS ME, MY JUNIOR SISTER AND MY MOTHER,TO BE EVACUATED TO THE NETHERLANDS(HOLLAND),THRUOGH THE AID OF THE U.N EVACUATION TEAM, WITH THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT HE MADE WITH THE SECURITY COMPANY.

DURING THE CIVIL WAR IN MY COUNTRY,AND FOLLOWING THE INDICSRIMINATE LOOTING OF GOVERNMENT AND PUBLIC PROPERTIES BY THE REBEL FORCES,THE SIERRA LEONE MINING COOPERATION WAS ONE OF THE TARGETS LOOTED AND DESTROYED.MY FATHER AND SOME OTHER TOP GOVERNMENT FUNCTIONARIES WERE ATTACKED AND LILLED BY THE REBELS IN NOVEMBER 2000 BECAUSE OF HIS RELATIOSHIP WITH THE CIVILIAN GOVERNMENT OF AHMED TEJAN KABBAH

AS A RESULT OF MY FATHERÕS DEATH,AND WITH THE NEWS OF MY UNCLEÕS INVOLEMENT IN A PLANE CRASH IN JANUARY IT DASHED OUR HOPE OF SURVIVAL.THESE BAD NEWS RESULTED TO MY MOTHERÕS HEART FAILURE AND COMPLICATIONS LATER LEAD TO HER DEATH. I AND MY 18YEAR OLD SISTER ARE NOW LEFT ALONE IN THIS STRANGE LAND.WE ARE NOT ONLY REFUGEES ,BUT, OPHANS

Oh, sad, sad ,sad! Two poor litle "ophans" left alone in a strange land.... my heart breaks in two, in three, in four.


MELISA ROBLES

Dearest John and Rose:
Of course I will help!
I know how you must feel, having myself a similar life story like yours. You know, here in Argentina, between 1976 and 1983, there was a terrible military dictatorship that kidnapped, tortured and killed thousands of people. Between those innocents were my parents, two teenagers at that time. My mother was pregnant of me and gave birth in captivity. I don't know what happened with her (I'm still searching for her body) but I was given, as a spoil of war, to some motherfucker I called "Father" for a long time, until my grandmother found me and restored me to my real family.
So I know your feelings.
Please, tell me more about yourselves, the music you like, the books you read, the sports you play, whatever. Can you sing or dance? Cos I'm in the pop idol music business and I can help you to become stars.

Awaiting for your answer

MELISA ROBLES
Corrientes 4070
Buenos Aires
Argentina
54-11-4864-2828

Yes, I know, I am dealing with delicate matters here, because although my story is not true for myself is sadly true for many people here. We have our past in Argentina and we are not proud of it.
The address and phone number are real, an uncommon practice in the morporkian saga. They belong to La Iglesia Universal de Cristo (The Universal Church of Christ), a bunch of worser scammers than the lads, cos the 419ers at least most of the times take advantage of people's greed, but the formers play with people's faith, grief and solitude. using the name of Christ not in vain (cos they raise money with it) but mixing it with voodoo-like practices and mumbo-jumbos quite absurd. Bad people, bad people. Very powerful, indeed.


[we know as little about the iglesia as we do about the morporkians. so far no morporkians have asked us for money or mumboed any of our jumbo]


JOHN COLEMAN

Return-Path: <johnrosecoleman@hotmail.com>
Subject: PROCEEDURES
Date: Tue, 11 May 2004 20:48:57 +0000
Dear Melisa Robles,
Many thanks for your mail to me and i refered to you as my brother because a transaction like this can never be realised without mutual trust and understanding,i consider you as my brother whom i trust to conclude this business for me.

Like i told you,i want to invest this funds in real estate and any other profitable business and the funds presently is in the custody of a security firm in Amsterdam,the Netherlands.

All i want you to do is to stand as the beneficiary of the funds and move to amsterdam to claim the funds and then transfer to your account in your country for further investment.

The security company can only release the consignment to any body that i will introduce as my foreign partner who will conclude the business on my behalf only when the the person has all the neccessary documents to claim the consignment.

The relevant documents needed in this transaction will be drafted by my lawyer and my lawyer There in Holland will draft a letter and send to the security company in Holland,the Netherlands intimating them about you being my foreign partner who will conclude the business on my behalf.

I can not do this myself because i am a refugee presently in Holland and the law here in Holland Prohibits any refugee to be involved in a transaction of this magnitude,hence i contacted you to move and conclude this business for me,please you must understand that due to the nature of this business,any information you receive from me in the cause of realising this transaction should not be divulged to any third party until we conclude this business.

I deposited this funds with the security company as precious materials and my personal belonging taken to europe for an exhibition,so the security company is not aware of the existence of funds in the consignment,so it is only you who is aware of the existence of funds and you must keep it very confidential and you must not disclose this to the security company.I will furnish you with the contact details of the security firm in due course.

I must let you know at this point that i owe the security company some amount,which must be paid to them before they release the consignment to any person standing as the beneficiary.I do not have this funds to pay to the security company as i am a refugee who
lives on just Û40 euros weekly and as such can't raise the money owed to the security company,all these was why i contacted you so you can help me to pay the fees
and move the fund out for investment as the fund is just there in two trunk boxes yielding no interest.

please do not let the fees involved be a hindrance to this business as any cent or money spent by you will be deducted from the funds when it gets into your account and this is outside the percentage i intend to give to you.

when i hear from you i shall furnish you with the contact details of the security company so you can contact them and make arrangements on how this funds can be claimed by you.
I am waiting to hear from you regarding all that i have stated above.
Your brother in Holland.
MR.JOHN COLEMAN.

CALL ME ON MY NUMBER ++31641029736.WAITING FOR YOUR CALL.

Eh, eh, wait a minute, Mr Postman!
Since Samuel Vimes dealt with a lady named Peter I am not quite sure of the logic of genders in Ladland's names but I think that in the real world "Melisa" is an obvious female name.
Time to get mean, nasty and bitchy!



MELISA ROBLES

Dear John
Your message confused me a lot.
First you assume I am a man cos you call me "brother" and I am not a man, I am a woman. Wasn't my name (Melisa) enough to make clear my gender? This worries me since shows me that you are not playing with a full deck, if you know what I mean.
Second, you tell me that I must move to Amsterdam. Why? May I have permanent residence in Holland to help you? If so, get a Dutch, man, and don't fool with me!
Third, you say your lawyer is going to intimidate the seccurity company. You must know I am against any kind of intimidation, coaction, violence or any other mean that means hurting a human fellow (unless he or she is a fascist, but that's another story) and I won't stand those mobster practices from you or your lawyer.

John, if you want to be my brother you must tell me more about yourself and your sister. I asked you some simple questions and you ignored them. Please do if you want to go further with me.

I want to help you. Don't make it harder, understand?

MELISA ROBLES
Corrientes 4070
Buenos Aires
Argentina
54-11-4864-2828

Ha! I told him!

But it was a wasted effort. John is thick as a brick and less inteligent than a pidgeon.



JOHN COLEMAN

Dear friend,
I am very sorry about the issue of your gender,business they say s not done with gender.
I am not a trouble maker and you misunderstood me and my lawyer,we are going to work out all the neccessary paper work to see that this transaction is done legally so that we will not get into any form of trouble.

You don't need to have a permanent residence here to help me what i simply meant was that your presence will be required here in the netherland to sign all the paper work needed to release the boxes from the security company as my foreign [partner.
i called you yesterday and no one picked up your call.

please call me on my number and let us discuss.

my tel.number is ++31641029736.

please call as i await your call now.

regards

JOHN AND ROSE COLEMAN.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Time to get nastier, meaner and bitchier!



MELISA ROBLES

Dear John:

I must disagree with you. Business IS DONE with gender! Gender is a very important issue in business. For centuries it's been an area where women were excluded by the patriarchal male chauvinist society except as objects of the commercial transaction. So don't patronize me or wave it away like something unimportant which you can pretend it doesn't exist and will go away. Many heroic women died fighting to get the right to participate in business side by side with men, and the fight still goes on, cos wages and salaries are always smaller to women than to men.
But also my name is clearly feminine, your confusion was like I would had assumed that you were a woman called John. Don't you think it's ridiculous, sister?

But you are forgiven. You are in Amsterdam and I know you surely visited a lot of coffe shops, so I understand.

About the issue of my visit to Holland, is it really neccesary? Because it's not easy for me to travel whenever I want. I have responsabilities here, you undestand? I don't have the freedom to go away and leave my work, I have a managerial position in a big international company, right, but I have bosses and people I must respond, can't leave in pursuit of whatever farfetched adventure I collumbrate in the midnight, understand?

When did you call me? Are you concious that here is 4 hours earlier than in Holland? Call in office hours please. And keep in mind I come and go, I'm not always near the phone, pal.

I called you and some woman called Ilse answered. Who is her? She was very rude and I thought she was making fun of me, she laughed at me when I said your name, said something like moo goo or what.

So you call me, I won't expend another international call and risk to have to talk to that bitch again.

Keep it cool man!

Ah, and answer the personal questions asked you. They are a sine qua non condition to move on with this business, understand?

Your sister
MELISA

Right after I sent this message I thought I had spoiled all with the "Ilse" bit, that I gave away all my scambaiting, that I've lost the lad. But...


JOHN COLEMAN

Dear MELISA
I want to thank you for the trust and thank for your mail.Bellow is my perfect modality to ensure a smooth and successful conclusion of this transaction.
1. You will have to send me a handwritten letter of guarantee, scan and send via email issued in my name MR.JOHN COLEMAN,guaranteeing that after you have secure the funds in Amsterdam, they will be safe in your possession and be used for further for investment.

2. After I receive the letter of guarantee from you, I will ask our Lawyer to draft a letter of change of beneficiary,changing the beneficiary's name to your name as our foreign partner And I will send you a copy of which you will present to the security firm I will in turn send a copy of this document to the Security Company notifying them in the changes of beneficiary from my name to yours
attached with this I will also send to you a copy of the certificate of deposit.

3. The security company in Amsterdam will now take care of all the paper work down there and in due course I will furnish you with their contact details,So that you can call them and book an appointment with the Security Company on when you are to arrive Holland to secure the consignment.

4. We have agreed to give you 15% of the total Investment as your commission for your assistance and cooperation and you will take care of all expenses. 5. That you will help us invest our own share of the money in a profitable business venture in your country i.e real estate business, stocks and bonds upon whichwe will be partners.
Awaiting your urgent response
Regards,
MR.JOHN COLEMAN.
N/B : Also see below for specimen copy of the letter
of Guarantee:
I......... ..NAME & ADDRESS.. .........DO HEREBY
DECLARE IF EMPOWERED TO RESOLVE TO SECURE THE RELEASE OF
CONSIGNMENT VALUED AT TWENTY ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($21 MILLION )
IN CUSTODY OF A SECURITY SERVICES IN AMSTERDAM THE NETHERLANDS TO ISSUE IN FAVOUR OF THE
MR.JOHN COLEMAN FAMILY AND ALSO TO USE ALL DUE CARE AND DILIGENCE IN THE HANDLING AND DISPOSITION OF CONTENTS.

THAT I AM ENTITLED TO 15% OF $21 MILLION(TWENTY ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) AS MY
COMMISSION OF THE INVESTMENT AFTER SECURING THE
CONSIGNMENT FROM THE SECURITY FIRM.
THIS LETTER OF GUARANTEE IS NOT WRITTEN UNDER DUREX
BUT IN GOOD
FAITH.
SIGN ...................
DATE....................

Must... scam... white... woman............. Must... scam... white... woman............. Must... scam... white... woman... Must... scam... white... woman...
Please! I wonder if this lad ever reads what I write.

Time to get even more nastier, meaner and bitchier!

MELISA ROBLES

Subject: WAKE UP!

JOHN:

When I received your first mail I was touched. The story of the tragedy of your family and the hard times you were experiencing reminded me of my own family tragedy. I felt sympathy for you and your sister and I decided to help you. Your following mails made me think twice about that decision. Your claim that you and your lawyer were going to intimidate people and your sexist remarks were too beliferous for me to forget, and although you said I misunderstood you, what's written is written and there's no turning back. Your last post left me wondering if you are a real human being or some Artificial Inteligence program. If you are an AI, let me tell you I must congratulate your developers, you nearly got me and I think that with a little more of work you'll be able to pass the Turing test.
But if you are a real person, I'm sorry to say this but you are an imbecile.
I can't believe a person could be so self-absorved and oblivious to what his interlocutor is saying.
You keep ignoring my questions and everything I write to you, you dind't say a word about my personal tragedy. I am not saying I want your pity because I don't want it, from you or from anybody else, but a well educated person can't just pretend that nothing happened when somebody tells him that her pregnant mother was kidnapped, tortured, raped, killed and finally dumped in the river like a piece of garbage. Because, if you didn't read what I wrote, that's what happened to my mother, and I was born in a concentration camp and given as a war loot to a motherfucking fascist pig I called "father" while he was the assasin of my REAL father.
How can't you be touched by that?
How can't you say anything when I told you that I was raped by my "father" when I was 12?
How can't you show any feelings?

I told you that answering the questions I asked in my first mail were the sine qua non condition to move on with the deal, but you keep ignoring that simple request.
You seem not to know what "sine qua non" means. It means that without that everything is off. Understand? You don't answer my questions, the deal is off. Capisce?

Since I am usually a nice person I'll give you the last chance to comply but I warn you, my patience is geting thinner and thinner.

In fact, I prefer to talk with your sister Rose and not with you. I am sure that between girls we will understand each other better.

Remember, YOU NEED ME AND I DON'T NEED YOU. So be nice, wake up and show human feelings.

Thanks.

MELISA

Wow! But I got results. John not only showed that he is a human being (not a bright one, though) but that he has some sense of humor (see the subject). Also, I am the first morporkian to get an insult. Eat that, Vimes! In your face, Natalia!
JOHN COLEMAN

From: "JohnRose Coleman"<johnrosecoleman@hotmail.com> Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 17:51:09 +0000

Subject: KEEP ON SLEEPING.

Capito alora. I UNDERSTAND ALL YOU SAID IN UR LAST MAIL,I FEEL REALY SORRY FOR YOU AND I THINK THAT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU TO START WRITING AND USING DIFFERNT NAMES. I AM NOT YOUR TYPE AND WILL NEVER WANT TO HAVE ANY SORT OF CORRESPONDENCE WITH YOU,I KNOW YOU VERY WELL,I SAW YOU YESTERDAY,I CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU PUT ON AND EVEN THE COLOR OF WHERE YOU LIVE RIGHT NOW,DON'T MESS AROUND WITH ME OR ELSE,I WILL SHOW YOU MY REAL COLOR. TO BEFORE WARNED IS TO BE FORE HARMED,KEEP OFF FROM THE SKEFTEGALS.

HOI.

I must confess he scared me a little and for a while I will keep of the Skeftegals, whatever that means. But John confirmed my suspicion: he is going to many coffeshops in Amsterdam. Cool, mon, pass the reefer and write an insult.

A farewell to the lad.



MELISA ROBLES

What?????

I don't understand what you say.

What is that about using different names or that you saw me yesterday?

Anyway, you are a jerk and you don't deserve my help or any other person's.

Enjoy your miserable life.

Kisses

MELISA

Keep tuned for the next morporkian gang adventure in Ladland.



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