The F-word 172 times

An Evil Attorney/Nurse Bait (way NSFW)

A master class from Lou Al S1nd0R. Featuring Gomez Adams Law, one of Lou's many agents in the field.

Subject: An absolute epic

This took months and I made a point of being as abusive as I could.
Of course, when a lad thinks he's going to be a millionaire he'll take it.

The players:
Andrew Coleman, Director of Barclay's Bank in Benin
Car!ing Christie, 93 years old in hospice suffering from dementia
Gomez Adams Law, hospice nurse and greedy bastard

I added a wrinkle to my Evil Attorney game to stretch things out a bit more and it worked like a charm on this lad. The setup is that Gomez is the hospice nurse but, because his last name is "Law", the demented Car!ing thinks he's really an attorney. This goes to some extremes with millions of dollars in bearer bonds floating around, an epic lad meltdown, my personal best heaping of lad abuse and lots and lots of sleepless nights in a Benin café. At least a two hour drive and maybe even a safari, but I can't confirm it. Enjoy.


PART 1

THE OLD MAN IN HOSPICE. HOOKING THE LAD AND SNAGGING A PIG

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

(Just a random one from a catcher account.)

Dear how are you and your beloved families hope every one is well if so glory be to almighty God to start with i will like to introduce my self to you i am Mr Andrew.C Coleman the director to Barclays Bank Benin branch where your fund is at the moment. I was going through when i saw your file stating your fund is still on-hold in the Banking system dear the main reason why i am written you now is to call to your notice that i can help you out with my power in the office to get this fund with you without no delay or further problem but i will like to let you know that you will give me 20% of the total money after it might have getting transfer to you.

If you agree with this offer less work on it and please I really need your trust and honesty if you get the money release and transfer to you that my own share will get to me and do not contact any one again a bout this i will help you out even if any one write you just ignore or delete it i will use my power here in the office to transfer the funds to you without any delays no more. our office will contact you as soon as i hear from you for the transfer and release of the money to you into your account immediately starting from tomorrow.

Do send me your contact number here so that i can call you for better discussion of the whole thing on phone.

Awaiting to hear from you,

Andrew C. Coleman.
DIRECTOR BARCLAYS BANK BENIN
Email: (xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com)
Tel- xxxxxxxxxxx

(His copy/paste of the phone number was missing a digit. Funny.)

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

(Just a straight bait to snag a pig or two, or so I thought.)

Was this meant for me?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

A few paragraphs inserted to prevent visual asphyxiation. There were none originally. Apparently there's a shortage.

How are you and your beloved family i hope all is well if so let God be praised. your email was well noted and understood by me.

I am writing you to inform you about the actual state of your fund which has been with BANK OF AFRICA, here is what i want you to know, the government of BENIN DU REPUBLIC are pending all foreign payment because of there on going ELECTION and not only that we just had a meeting with the Minister of Finance and he made it clear to ours here in the bank that the President of BENIN DU REPUBLIC YAYI EBONY want to run his Election with foreign payment which has just been pended and his trying to run his second tenon with this payment but due to our effort and other foreign department that got involved in this we have just come up with an ideal that will help all beneficiaries that there funds is under BANK OF AFRICA custody so it can be moved to BARCLAYS BANK for immediate transfer to your account. so please here is the plan, the Minister of Finance has agreed to help you get your fund so mind you that you are not alone in this so you have to call me so that i can give you more details about this cause i have been trying to call you but to no avail.

Here is my direct contact xxxxxxxxxxxxxx We have to obtain some document which is very important and i want you to call me so that by tomorrow we can finalize this and get your funds transfer to you ASAP. Awaiting to hear from you

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

What fund are you referring to? This is the first I've heard about this and I've never been to Benin.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Car!ing Christie
Thanks for you quick respond please i want you to understand that your compensation fund has been pended for some reason and i Mr. Andrew C. Coleman want to help you get your funds.
Please do call me now it important xxxxxxxxxxxx

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

I'm sorry, but I don't have a phone here in hospice. Hell, at my age I doubt I could hear the damn thing anyway.

Compensation for what?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

This funds is a compensation fund from BENIN DU REPUBLIC for scam victims and your email was listed among this email so please i want you to cooperate with me so we can work things out.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

I was scammed? I didn't even know.

So what's the story with this fund then?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Here is it we need to obtain some document to back this funds up so we can get this Compensation fund transferred to you so here are one of the document we need check the attached file and view this document out it yet to be filed because you have not yet payed for it and we have no more time to waste

Dear reader, if you are new to Scamorama, here is the big picture:
* scammer tries to worm money out of victim to pay for imaginary documents supposedly needed to secure the transfer of imaginary money
* "victim" is actually a scambaiter, who wastes the scammer's time
See the main page and tributary links for more background, then come back here. We'll wait.
And now on with our regularly scheduled scambait.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

I don't think I understand all this. How much is this fund? I have to pay for something?

(Yet another lad who goes off script so fast that he forgets to tell me how much money I'm going to get. Bizarre.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

The total funds is 2.5USDMillion and we need to obtain several certificate to make this legal so please let me no what are your plans now cause we don't have much time to waste any more.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE
Holy shit, that's a lot of money So what do I need to do?
ANDREW C. COLEMAN

You need to pay the Minister Of Finance to help you fill those document i attached to you so he can be able to process it and fill it with your information and after then it will be sent to you as the rightful owner of the funds.

(Dumbass confirmation. He didn't actually attach anything but I ignored it and it blew on by.)

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Okay, so what do I need to do?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK here is what you have to do now the Minister of Finance will charge you $300USD to make this legal after receiving this $300USD from you and thats all.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Okay, so where do I mail a check?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

You don't have to make a check just go to any WESTERN UNION OFFICE close to you and send the required $300 now.

Below is the details you need to send the money with:

Receive's Name:xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(Interestingly, he uses this name throughout including offering to use his passport while dealing with a live person. I think there's a good chance it was his real name.)

Country: BENIN DU REPUBLIC
City: COTONOU
Text Question: COLOUR
Answer: BLUE
Amount: $300USD
MTCN..................

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

I don't think we have western union here, but I will check

(Yup, the hospice is on the island of Lanai, no WU or MG. Handy.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

If you check well you will see or if not you can still go to MONEY GRAM OFFICE and send it and please still have it in mind that we have no time more to waste so please try your possible best to send it today or if possible tomorrow so that the Minster of Finance can proceed ASAP.

Please do call me after you have send the required fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx or still text it to me through my mobile line i provided to you after that please send me your full details:

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Sorry, no western union or moneygram here. I checked RIA and they don't service the area either. Lanai is a really small place, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Can I send the money from my bank to yours? I've done that before and I know that will work. I can have one of the nurses take care of it for me.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN
Hello Car!ing Christie

How are you and your beloved family i hope you are getting better may the lord God Almighty give you more strength and may your days be long in life.

Please send in your mobile so i can give you a call or you call me on

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(Still not a complete phone number!)

and please send me you full details its important.

Dear i was expecting you to send in the payment today but to no avail i want to let you know that your mail was well understood by me and it was well noted, please here is a location of WESTERN UNION in Lanai city you can send any of the nurse to go to this location of Lanai and please make sure you send who you really trust:

Western Union
878 Front St Ste B6
Lahaina, HI 96761-1665

First Money Center
230 Hana Hwy
Kahului, HI 96732-2351

Paradise Supermart
207 E Wakea Ave
Kahului, HI 96732-2444

So please try and locate this area and send in the money today so i the Minister of Finance can finalized this today so that you can be able to access your funds ASAP.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

I don't think you understand. All of those western union outlets are on a different island. We don't have western union here on Lanai at all.

As I said, I believe the only way to send the money without mailing it is to send it from my bank to yours. And I told you I don't have a phone.

Are you not reading what I send to you?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Thanks for your quick respond and i really appreciate it i want to let you know that account will take much days and time but i will get you an account please still keep in touch with me.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Okay, I'll wait to hear from you. Sorry about the complications but this is a really small island.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Thanks for your understanding i really appreciate it and i pray that God Almighty will give you more strength and your days on earth will be long.

Below is the bank info please do send it to NIGERIA cos Benin will take about three days before it reflect in our banking system and we have no more time to waste:

Bank Name: FIRST BANK
User Name: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Account Number:xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bank Location: NIGERIA

(I guess it didn't take many days; I had it in an hour. Thank you very much, say goodbye to that one.)

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Okay, I'll ask the nurse to help me.

The last time I did this I needed a SWIFT code. Is it not necessary for this?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

The bank SWIFT code is not necessary just sent it the way it was sent to you OK.

I look forward for your good respond towards this issue.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Okay, thank you.

I'll try to have the nurse go to the bank today.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK i will be waiting its late over here now and i need to go back home to my family i wait to here good new from you Car!ing Christie.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Okay, I will check in with you on Monday. They don't let us use the computer on the weekend.

(Nothing ever happened right away through most of this, there was always a day or two for things to get accomplished. As he got in deeper, I got slower and this dragged on for weeks and weeks until the craziness at the end. Good fun.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK that would not be a problem do have a nice day.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN
Hello Car!ing Christie

How are you doing today i hope all is well with you if so let God be praised for making you seen a beautiful day like this. Car!ing Christie remember you made a promise to this office about sending the required $300USD today been Monday i am writing you as i have resume from my office this morning so please i will be waiting for you good comply today so we can finalized everything today.

Awaiting to hear from you,

(It's not late enough yet so I'll wait a bit. I made a point to do all my work in the middle of the night in Benin.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Car!ing Christie am still waiting for you to comply its 7:00PM my time here so please get to me as soon as possible.

Awaiting to hear from you,

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

The nurse isn't in yet, I'll contact you when he is.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Car!ing Christie
How are you doing today i hope you are getting better if so let God Almighty be glorify.
I was waiting although yesterday just to confirm the payment from you but still yet to no avail please i don't want us to waste any more time in this try and make this payment today OK.
Awaiting to hear from you

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Please Car!ing Christie who is Gomez Adams.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Gomez Law, his middle name is Adams. He's my nurse and helps me. Did he contact you?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Yes he contacted me but he was kind of asking me some question like:

Is this the right person for the bank transfer?

this was his words.

So have you succeeded in sending the fee cause we still don't have time on our side any more.

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

I suspect he was just being cautious, there is a lot on the line here.

I will speak to him when he arrives today.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Car!ing Christie
How are you doing today i hope all is well with you sir i bring you pleasant greetings from this beloved office.

Sir it has been my pleasure working with you but i want to let you know that although my entire life i have not been insulted like this before in this office but your nurse has giving me even worst i can ever imagine sir please and please if you are not ready for this just let me know and i will go ahead and confiscate this transaction once and for all and all this madness will end, like i told you before i am a well respected man in my country and i don't take nonsense from anybody so please tell your nurse to stop sending me insult on my mail i don't like it and i will never take such insult from him again so please this transaction is getting late and the Minister of Finance is bordered about you sluggishness towards this transaction. my advice is you look for someone else to help you send the required $300USD for you so that your funds will not be confiscated.

Awaiting to hear from you,

(Shucks, I wonder who insulted him? Snicker.that was fantastic stuff!)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Car!ing
How are you doing today i hope all is well with you if so let all glory be to God Almighty who has made you see this day. Sir i want to let you know that i was called for a meeting concerning your funds here in my office and i was made to understand earlier today that your funds was not 2.5Million but 10.5Million it was due to clerical error and i want to let you know that we are really sorry for that inconvenience.

Mr. Car!ing we have a Customs Transfer fee of 0.1% for the money to leave Benin and this is equal to $10,500 so please i want you to confirm this with your attorney who can help you with the paperwork, and please i want you to know that you are not advise to inform this to any third party but except me, you and Mr. Gomez who you trust so much, and i still want you to keep in mind that we don't have much time to waste on this please be fast so we can make this transaction work ASAP.

(Well, I guess He's not insulted but the game sure took a leap, didn't it? I suspect some fishy is going on.)

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Mr. Law explained it all to me, I don't know what I would do without him.
I'll be getting the money to him tomorrow and will speak to you on Monday.

(He did, did he? I think I know where the fishy smell is coming from.)

PART 2

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

BRING ON THE EVIL NURSE/ATTORNEY ALL-AROUND ASSHOLE.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN
Hello Mr. Car!ing

How are you doing today i hope all is well with you it has been my pleasure having your mail here in my mail box and i want to let you know that i am really happy about that so please try your possible best and give the required fee to Mr. Law so he can send it by Monday so we can commence this transaction ASAP, remember Mr. Law is doing his best as your nurse, he his there to make sure you don't lack anything at all he is a well trusted man and i really appreciate his good contribution towards this transaction Mr. Car!ing

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Car!ing
How are you doing today i hope all is well with you if so let God Almighty be praised for his good works. Sir like you told me last Friday about the custom fee which is to be payed in today been Monday but still yet i have not had from you so whats going on sir i need to know remember we don't have much time to waste on this please try and send Mr. Law to send the required $10,500USD so we can proceed ASAP.

(didn't that already get paid? Hmmmm.)

CAR!ING CHRISTIE

Good morning Andrew, Gomez mentioned that the US needs me to pay some sort of tax. Do you know what this is about?

(So what has this nurse been up to? Let's roll back a few days. If you've read any of my Evil Attorney baits this will sound familiar.but fear not, it goes to some new and interesting places.)

Gomez adams Law

Enter the evil nurse!

Is this the right person for the bank transfer?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Thanks for your responds Mr.Gomez Adams did Car!ing Christie sent you to me.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

And Gomez lowers the boom...

Good that you responded my little African friend. We have much to discuss and more to be gained.

First, let us understand each other. There is no money, there is no bank, you are just a scammer in a cafe. I know your 419 game, little boi, so you can stop that talk with me. Don't worry, I am not planning on telling Car!ing about this.

You see, Car!ing is just a crazy old man in a hospital waiting to die and he believes what you have told him. His mind has become very weak and he trusts me to help him. Even though I am his nurse, he seems to believe I'm his lawyer because my last name is Law. Like I said, he's pretty much lost his mind.

He is also very, very rich. He has millions and barely knows it. If we work together I know that we can put more money than you've ever seen in your life into your pockets. Are you willing to go for REAL money or are you going to sit there scraping for pennies?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Oh no, competition!

Hello Mr. Gomez Adams

Please can you explain more of what you are talking about cause i don't get you and if you want me to work with you, please do send me this details below:

MOBILE:
HOME ADDRESS:
OCCUPATION:
PASSPORT/ ID:
OFFICE TEL:

Awaiting to hear from you,

(Funny that he rolled right into the send-me-your-info bit. Not too creative I guess.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Here's what I'm talking about.

If we work together I can guarantee you thousands of dollars instead of hundreds.

Like I said, my last name is Law (not Adams) and the stupid old man thinks I'm his attorney. I'm his nurse at the hospice facility here and he'll believe anything I tell him.

The plan is simple. I'll instruct you on what to tell him the next "fee" will be. You will pass that information on and tell Car!ing to confirm it with his attorney. I'll collect the cash and split it with you when we're done.

And no I'm not going to give you all my personal information. I'm not that stupid. You have my name, that will do just fine.

Now quit fucking around and let's get to work. Car!ing will see your emails when I allow it, so all this whining will do you no good. Yes, I saw what you sent him:

.Sir it has been my pleasure working with you but i want to let you know that although my entire life i have not been insulted like this before in this office but your nurse has giving me even worst i can ever imagine.

Don't be an idiot.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Gomez
Please i don't want to go more further in this issue can you please tell me what going on cause i don't get you but if you want to play games we can still play but i want to still let you know that this is real my country is rewarding scam victims and Car!ing's was listed among them so please if you want us to work as partners do call me so i can understand what this game is all about.
here is my numberxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Please do call me now cause it already late here now and i need to go to bed.
Awaiting to hear from you,

(You can set your watch by it, they ALWAYS insist that their gag is true just once even after they know that I know It's not.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You do not work for a bank.
There is no money.
You are a scammer probably sitting in a cafe surrounded by other scammers.
I already know this and I know your 419 game so quit fucking around.
Are you up for the big money or not?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr.Gomez Adams

How do i trust all this you are saying to be true, how i can i no if i can trust you Mr. Gomez Adams please do call me for a better discussion i think this is getting more interesting my friend or you send me your mobile i want to know who am dealing with but if not that means you can't be trusted.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

No, you're not getting my mobile number to have on your phone. Maybe later when we get to know each other a little better.

And yes it is interesting. You have no idea how much money is there for the taking. Can you trust me? Why wouldn't you? Plus, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain . Working with me costs you nothing and the reward is massive.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Thanks for your respond Mr.Gomez Adams law i really appreciate, so how do we go about this and how are my going to trust you please let me know am really interested in this, so tell me what going to be the plan A my friend i mean were do we start from now. What is the actual state of Mr. Car!ing now i need to now so we can proceed for the bigger money my friend it will be my pleasure working with you but mind you that i still need your number as this transaction goes on partner, so let start going for this bigger money what on your mind now tell me my friend.

("My friend" and "partner" already. Most excellent.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

As I mentioned, Car!ing is just a crazy old man. He has advanced Alzheimer's disease and lives in a hospice facility where I'm his nurse. He's 93 years old and is no longer able to get out of bed. I'm his nurse, he thinks I'm his attorney. It's actually really funny. He spends his days on the computer when it's available and watches TV and shits himself most of the rest of the time.

(Yeah, I laughed when I wrote that. Sometimes I really am twisted.)

As I also told you, he's seriously fucking rich. He made a massive amount of money in stocks when he left his software company years ago. Have you heard of Eudora? Look it up, he was one of the guys who INVENTED email. He's a multimillionaire many times over. He's got no family so when he dies it's all going to go to fucking charity. What a waste. And no, you're not getting my number. It's too easy to use that information against me and we don't know each other well enough yet, I have no reason to trust you either. Like I said, neither of us has anything to lose and riches to gain so there's no reason not to put my plan in motion.

So now it's time for you to get started. First, tell him that there was a clerical error and that the fund is really 10.5 million, not 2.5 million. We're going to be demanding percentages of the total and 2.5 is too small. Congratulate him on his good fortune.

Once you've done that, tell him that there is a Customs Transfer fee of 0.1% for the money to leave Benin. This is equal to $10,500. Tell him to confirm it with his attorney who can help him with the paperwork.

This is only the first step, there is much more to come.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Thanks for you respond Mr. Gomez i really like this and i want to let you know that this is going to be a big secret between both of us, and i want to let you know that your mail was well noted by me but i still want you to know that i will still put my best on this i want to let you know that if this work out for good there is a lot we can do as partners but please i still want you to still play your part well over there tell him how important this money is and i still want you to do your best and still convince him when ever the bigger money gets involved and i believe that i can trust you for that.

I will send him am email right away but i still want you to tell me his normal state about this transaction cause i want to know how fucking interesting this transaction means to Mr.Car!ing. If you still want ours to still get hold of this bigger money you must be close to his mail box so that order scammers will not get close to him cause there are so many scammers hunting for clients like Mr.Car!ing so please delete what so ever email that is not coming from me so that Mr. Car!ing will not fall into some fucking scammer, so be wash-full at that i want us to do this with no trace OK.

(Now that's new, He's worried about someone else jumping his claim. Sounds like He's been chopped before, eh?)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Have no fear, I have his email auto-forwarding through mine so there won't be any other 419 bois getting too him. I'll play my part, you play yours. Like I said, he'll do what I tell him so keep telling him to have me confirm things and we'll be able to move very quickly. Hawaii has a General Excise Tax of 4.5%. Any idea how fucking HUGE that is?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I will send him mail now concerning what you told me so i want you to keep wash of that i want to let him know what's on ground now so please tell me is he on line now cause i really want us to finalize this first step ASAP.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Yes, he's awake and online.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK here comes my mail Mr. Gomez. just make sure he checks it out i will forward what am sending to him to you for confirmation so please stay cam and wait for my respond

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Lad to Car!ing, then sent to Gomez

Hello Mr. Car!ing
How are you doing today i hope all is well with you if so let all glory be to God Almighty who has made you see this day. Sir i want to let you know that i was called for a meeting concerning your funds here in my office and i was made to understand Earlie today that your funds was not 2.5Million but 10.5Million it was due to clerical error and i want to let you know that we are really sorry for that inconvenience. Mr. Car!ing we have a Customs Transfer fee of 0.1% for the money to leave Benin and this is equal to $10,500 so please i want you to confirm this with your attorney who can help you with the paperwork, and please i want you to know that you are not advise to inform this to any third party but except me, you and Mr. Gomez who you trust so much, and i still want you to keep in mind that we don't have much time to waste on this please be fast so we can make this transaction work ASAP.

HOW IS THIS STORY PARTNER DOSE IT LOOK INTERESTING!!!!!!

(He asked my opinion AFTER he sent it. Duh.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW
You need to get the name right. As I've said, my last name is LAW. It's important to use that to keep him focused on me being his attorney. The old fart's memory is pathetic
ANDREW C. COLEMAN
OK i will do that but i have just sent in the email so i will wait for his respond OK.
GOMEZ ADAMS LAW
Yes I saw that, I'll stop by to check on him and let him tell me what he got.
ANDREW C. COLEMAN
OK that will be OK partner but i want you to give me details cause it late here and i really need to get some rest, but i will like before i have some rest i want to here from Car!ing and know his respond towards this.

(The late hour is really starting to get to him. He's been up well into the morning pretty much every day. Imagine my guilt.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Okay, things are looking good. I'll work on getting the money over the weekend.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN
Thanks for your respond Mr. Law so tell me what the good news has he finally agree to pay the money and please try your possible best to get the money this weekend so by Monday we can proceed for our (plan B).
Car!ing Christie

Good morning Andrew, Gomez mentioned that the US needs me to pay some sort of tax. Do you know what this is about?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Lad to Gomez

Car!ing just wrote me an email now and i want to let you now that everything is going well as planed and i want to let you know that this GAME is getting more interested, so i want you to collect the money from him tomorrow so by Monday you will send my own share to me so we can proceed for our (Plan B) partner. Please how is this money going to be shared cause i never remembered me and you making any agreement on how the bigger money is going to be split up.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I suppose I'd be willing to send you 30%. That should be a few hundred thousand dollars by the time we're done. Then you'll be the richest scammer in Africa and I'll get off this fucking rock. I just got a hilarious email from one of your pals. This is classic. It amazes me that anyone would fall for this. Car!ing got the same one but I blocked it. It would have scared the shit out of him.

(I forwarded him a massive "scam compensation" script just for fun.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Law
I disagree with you with 30% how can you be giving me that please and please my friend i really appreciate your watchfulness towards Mr. Car!ings mail box and i want to let you know that with you on his mail box we have noting to be scared off so nice job partner but i want you to know that i am not going to have 30% from you why do you want to be the greedy man here now,i was expecting you to make it 60 40 you get 40 and i get 60 but due to your commitment i want ours to share it 50 50 so there would not be any beef at all so that each an everyone of us will be free minded and have noting to border for so don't be greedy on me that peace will rain between us and remember just you and i know about this no one else OK so are you or OUT partner 50 50.

(I let him stew for a couple days.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr.Law what going on your mind now remember that we don't have to get stock here we still have so much to do but your silent towards my percentage has bring me noting but worry why do you want to bring greediness towards this GAME of ours, mind you that we still have a lot to do as partners so complete my percentage and let work things out once and for all. I await your respond ASAP.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Bring greediness in? That's very funny considering your line of work. I'll give you 40%. I suspect that Carl has already forgotten about the $10500 so I'll see if I can get it again today. I'll let you know how it goes.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Law What do you mean he has forgotten i believe that your job so you have to put him in line so we can make thing happen ASAP. Like you said about the percent i will take 4o% from you know but as time goes on partner things will change so please do your work over there and don't let Car!ing get dull on this you need to put that fire on him and make him see how important this transaction is.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Don't worry my little African friend, I'll do my part. I talked to Car!ing a little while ago and he's totally forgotten that he paid his fee. Send the message again and we'll get another $10500 before we move to bigger and better things. And remember, nothing changes unless I say it does. Don't forget who is in charge here.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So tell me did he give you 10,500 last Saturday i need to know how much do you have with you know my friend cause you are getting me confuse did Car!ing give you the 10,500 last Saturday i need to know how you have now so i can know were to start from, cause i already sent him an email concerning the 10,500.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Yes, I got it but he's completely forgotten. Remember, this is just a sick old man who only has half a brain left. I could probably tell him he was a ferret and he'd believe it. I see that you sent the message, good boy. I'll check in on him later in the morning.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So what going on your mind now when are my going to get my share or do you still want to get another 10,500 before you can send me my own share cause we don't have time remember it just two of us and i don't want you to mess up cause we still have a lot to do partner so please do send me my own share so i can see the seriousness of this GAME partner. Remember we are still moving for (plan B)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

There will be a LOT more before we done, you'll see. I'll send your share once we're done as it will be too much for a wire transfer and will need to be done correctly to protect us. I have an offshore account for such things. We have plenty of time. The only thing that could get in our way would be the old man dying and there's no danger of that. And what the hell is plan B?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Now look here my friend please don't keep me waiting try and send my own share today or tomorrow you have gotten your own part which am sure of that so please do send my to my account i need to confirm it today or tomorrow so we can proceed for the (plan B) i mean our second payment from our client.

Here is my Account details so send it in now if possible today.
Bank Name: FIRST BANK
User Name: xxxxxxxxxxxx
Account Number: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bank Location: NIGERIA

(Same one as before of course.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

As I said, I'll send it when we're done. You'll get it when I say so, now quit whining. There's an offshore transfer I'll need to do first and I'll need to fly to Oahu to do it safely with my attorney (a real one) so you'll need to wait. I won't have access to it when we're done either, so we'll both just have to be patient.

(In a moment of clarity it occurred to me that if I concocted a reason that I couldn.t to the money right away I could play with him as long as I wanted. Another bullet in my lad gun.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So what Mr. Law are you advising me to wait after this Game is been done so you can transfer my own share to me please tell me how do you want me to trust you know huh see my friend don't even try to see me as one fool out there you can use just to help you execute your plans OK if you still want ours to keep working you must send me my own share, with that i can see how serious this is and please don't even try to tell me that you are in charge cause i will not take that from you OK so now when are we going to get as much as we want from our client when i have not even seen even just $1dollar of what you have gotten from our client come on partner if you really want ours to work you must make me see trust in you i need to know what your plans are tell me what do you intend to do now cause we still need to put our client true remember we still have a lot to do so please i don't like a situation were by i am working and i am not seeing what am working for put your self in my shoes partner and you will understand exactly what am talking about

(Also as predictable as ever, they always want to get that first payday and get all uppity about it. Too bad.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Did you not even read what I wrote? I'll send your money when we're done. I'm not flying to another fucking island to send you small peanuts and I will NOT be leaving Car!ing for the days that it would take. You want to get paid? You play it my way. If you pass this up to be a stubborn idiot, that would make you a fool.

This is costing you nothing and there is a pile of money as big as a fucking house for both of us at the end. When I can cash the checks, we can both get paid. Quit being a big baby.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK so what is going to be our next plan now tell me i need to know has Car!ing seen my mail.

(Well THAT was easy. This one straightens out very nicely after a good slap. Sweet.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Good, I'm glad you understand. Yes, Car!ing got the message and I will get the money this afternoon. After that we will move to the next, much bigger step.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK i will be going to bed now it late here so please anything i need to know just notify me by email and please i still want you to understand that i still trust you so don't fail me, we still have a lot to do partner. GOOD NITE!!

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(I kept up with him for a long time this round, just to keep him awake for a while.)

Okay, no problem, I'll set up the plan for bigger money for tomorrow.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK partner i just tot of something now and i which to share it with you Mr. Law, Mr. Law and it about your government Mr. Law they are very greedy and i just something and i need to show you this cause if anything do happen to my percentage i will not take it easy with you partner but i think i have fined another way you have to use to send my percentage to me when it is right cause i will not drag anything with you know cause we still need this GAME to keep going and lets move for the bigger money partner.

(He copied and pasted something he snagged off the net, I guess to speed me up? I'm not exactly sure but I'm happy he wasted the time doing it.)

There is very little time before the IMF's plan to steal 10%, for starters, of all bank accounts in Europe. JP Morgan Chase is banning wire transfers from their bank to foreign banks to prevent American capital flight which will surely happen as America wakes up to the desperate situation that the banks are in. The bank is also prohibiting any cash withdrawals of $50,000 or more. This past Friday, HSBC (America) followed suit. It is highly likely that all 5 mega banks will enact.

You see partner i don't want you to tell me story when it comes for you to send me my own percent of this funds, so tell me has Car!ing giving you the money cause i know there is going on in that brain of your Law.

(I love this guy.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I wouldn't keep a dime in Europe and the IMF is a bunch of crooks. Anyway, that's not how it works. You can withdraw as much as you want, you just have to pay more for the account. All that stuff you read is just the media trying to scare you. Plus, I don't give a shit. I have an offshore account in Western Samoa and nobody can touch it. I can fly there direct from Hawaii and get to it any time I want without having to wire anything anywhere. Quit worrying and go back to bed

(And I bet he did. It was going on 4:30am at that point.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So you need to fly from Hawaii to send me my percent OK that dose not matter at all but remember partner we are still in this for better for worst, remember!!! So tell me I want to know have Car!ing giving you the money tell me partner i need to know why he is not responding to my email.

(Perfect. Now that he believes I can't have the money either the bait can roll on nicely. He's an idiot so I'll have to remind him every now and then, but the foundation is in place.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

He was with the doctor for a couple of hours, don't worry. I'm getting his check this afternoon. Again. For the same amount. Sometimes this is just too easy.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK I believe you partner just do your best, so what will be the plan of tomorrow tell me i want to know.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Tomorrow it will be time to add some sort of tax, equal to 1.5%, I'll come up with a bullshit form to show him after you inform him of it. Don't get ahead of yourself, patience brings many rewards.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So tell me partner how is this form and tax stuff going to look like i need to know so i will know on what to tell our client so it will not look suspicious to him.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I just receive your email and i want to let you know that it was well noted by me and very understood, but i want to let you know that this time if Car!ing gives you the money please and please try and send me my own percent as soon as this one is been cleared up OK i don't see any reason why you keep on pros-pounding my own share, so i will write Car!ing now and inform him about the tax fee but i want you to agree with this first.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I'll worry about the form, I can download something right from the IRS site and make it look good. Car!ing should be contacting you this morning, when he does tell him that there is a US Federal Customs Tax needed. It is a 1.5% tax of $157,500.

Like before, have him confirm it with me, tell him that you already spoke to me and I will bring him the proper tax form. WAIT UNTIL HE CONTACTS YOU. Don't get ahead of things.

Car!ling Christie

The confused old man himself contacts the scammer.

Good morning Andrew,
Gomez mentioned that the US needs me to pay some sort of tax.
Do you know what this is about?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Law I just receive your email and i want to let you know that it was well noted by me and very understood, but i want to let you know that this time if Car!ing gives you the money please and please try and send me my own percent as soon as this one is been cleared up OK i don't see any reason why you keep on pros-pounding my own share, so i will write Car!ing now and inform him about the tax fee but i want you to agree with this first.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

"Pros-pounding?"
That's funny. You need to learn to read the whole message when I send it to you. I'm not able to send the money until I go to Oahu to pass it through my attorney to the Samoan account. I can't just cash the fucking checks, this needs to be done very carefully so I don't land my ass in jail. Money laundering is a federal offense here, we don't have the police working for us like the criminals in Africa you know. You can wait for the money just like me. Once we've gotten as much as we can I'll work it out with the attorney and then send the money direct from Samoa to wherever the fuck you want.

And quit trying to tell me what you are not going to do. I'm running this show and you'll do what I say when I tell you to or you can get nothing. Now quit stalling and get to work.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

The Lad contacts the confused old Car!ing

Hello Mr. Car!ing
How are you doing today i hope all is well if so let God be praised for making you see another glorious day like this.
Sir you are going to pay the US Federal Customs Tax, It is a 1.5% tax of $157,500 when you pay this tax you will be able to get access to your money without any one accusing you of money laundering so please confirm it from Mr. Law he is going to give you some paperwork i sent in to him and please try your possible best and give the money to Mr. Law so he can send it in to ours ASAP so we can proceed immediately.
THANKS

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Lad to Gomez

I have sent him an email go and check him out partner?

Car!ing Christie

Car!ing to the lad

Holy shit, that's a lot of money. Sometimes I feel like the goddamn government spends all its time with its hands in my goddamn wallet. I'll talk to my attorney and see what can be done about this.
Goddamn leeches

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Lad to Gomez

Hey partner Car!ing just sent in an email so it your true to make him see reason why he should pay this fee and show him the paperwork you have with you.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Gomez to lad

All right, I have the check. I will be in touch on Thursday for the next tax. You, my friend, are going to be a very rich man.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So tell me whats the big story partner whats going to be the next to come on Monday i need to know those that mean i am not going to keep in touch with Car!ing on email till Thursday tell me partner i need to know

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

The big story is that Car!ing is in therapy most of the day so he won't have access to a computer. Don't worry, I told him everything is going just fine. Tomorrow he gets to pay Hawaii's General Excise Tax. You're going to really enjoy that, my friend. Once that's done I'll be flying out of here and we'll both get paid.

(Unless I think of something else to keep this going. I hate to waste a lad who is so deeply hooked.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK i think i enjoy reading your today mail to me it quit sounds good to me, so whats going to be my part as this bill comes up partner.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Enough to retire. Excise Tax is 4.5%. Do the math, you'll like it.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

WAOW! This is a hole lot of money partner are you sure Car!ing is going to like this cause if we need to give him this we need to have a enough prove so he will not have any doubt about this fee.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(Ah, the .something else. just popped into my head. Yay.)

Of course he'll pay it, no need to worry. General Excise is a real tax so I can show him the actual form. I also did some research and if he really was getting the money he'd have to pay the federal government a Short Term Capital Gains Tax of 15%. That's also a real tax and I can show him that it must be paid. Do THAT math, partner!

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Car!ing should be on his computer in the next hour. Are you online?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Well? Where the fuck are you? You've got work to do.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Am sorry not to respond to your mail yesterday i was so sick so i was not able to get through my computer so am sorry about that partner so tell me whats going on now cause i no that i have missed a lot, what did Car!ing say about the tax i need to know so that we can move on with this

(I bet the lack of sleep finally got him. Good!)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Sick? I doubt it but I don't really care. Today is the first big score. I warned Car!ing about the excise tax and that it would be painful but necessary. Send him a message telling him that he must pay the 4.5% State of Hawaii General Excise Tax equal to $472,500. Tell him that you have discussed it with me and I will help him. Monday we finish this with the Capital Gains Tax and get the fuck out of here.

(And then the best meltdown I've ever gotten. It's like his brain opened up and everything fell out. You.re gonna love this.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So how do i no that you are telling me the truth Mr. Law cause i have made all my investigation and i have find out all what your plans are and i bet you Mr. Law you will not get away with this!

I went to see a prophet who work for me in my scam business and he made it clear to me that you are not wordy to be trusted and he made it clear to me that you want to kill Mr. Car!ing and run away with the money and leave me with noting, so you see i have know all your GAME my friend and i want to let you know as an internet scammer i can track you down in what ever place you are in the world and mind you that i know several hospital in that Island were you are and i can assure you that if you try to make any funny move of yours, you will be arrested by the nearest police station don't even try to as me why (Partner) cause you have no right to hold my own share of this transaction now listen to me if you don't give me my own share of what we have work out before i am not going to work with you anymore and i assure you that you will not get away with this cause i have people all over United State who can track you without any delay look i have been in this GAME for over 13yrs now and i have dwelt with people even more greedy than you but at the end they end up in jail so don't even think that you will get away with this!

HERE IS THE BIG QUESTION ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME WHAT WE HAVE WORKED FOR OR YOU WANT THE GOVERNMENT TO GET INVOLVE IN THIS!!!

(So, if you break that down, you get this from that whole ramble:
- He's done an investigation and knows my plans and I'm not going to get away with it.
- He talked to his boss and decided that I was planning on killing Car!ling and taking all of the money.
- Because He's an internet scammer, he can track me down, figure out which hospital I work at and have the local police arrest me, because I didn't pay him the money he helped me steal.
- If I don't give him is share right now, he knows people in the government who come for me, so I'd better pay up.
Awesome. Truly awesome.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Don't threaten me, little man. I'm not planning on killing anybody and yes, you'll get your share. Your so-called prophet would steal from you, I bet. Not me. And as I said before, you're not risking anything here so relax. And how many times do I have to tell you that the money will come at the end of all of this. I have to go to Oahu to make a transfer of that size. Are you not paying attention or are you too busy bitching and moaning like a little girl? Monday is the last day and then we're done and will walk away with millions. And the old man won't know the difference, his mind is a mess. Now quit fucking around and do as I've told you!

(Looks like went to bed. He's gotta have some serious bags under his eyes at this point.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Well? What's the delay? Don't tell me you're giving up when we've gotten this far. Don't be an idiot.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(And something to greet him when he gets back.)

I read your message again and you really made me laugh. Did you really expect me to believe that you could get the police to come to my house? That's fucking hilarious. If this is the kind of advice your prophet gives you, you need a new prophet. 13 years? Really? Are you making any money? Once we're done you and I can both retire

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Well now we have to wait until Monday when Car!ing can get back on the computer. You better not have fucked this up.

(I thought I'd lost him, but he was back a few days later. Persistence is a magical quality.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN
Hello Partner i have just done it as you wanted it. So Monday will be the last day but mind you that i will still count on you, send me your number if possible cause i will still like us to be best friends if we retire from this business.

Here is what i sent to Mr. Car!ing.

Hello Mr. Car!ing
how are you doing today i hope all is going just fine with you over there if so let God Almighty who has made all thing possible for you be praised. Sir it has been my pleasure working with you and i want to assure you that we are getting closer to transfer your funds to you but after our last meeting here we got a call from Hawaii State government telling us that you have to pay Hawaii tax before they can allow such funds into the country, so please we have talk to them and we have come to conclusion that you have to pay it as soon as possible.

Please Mr. Car!ing if you still have any doubt about this you can still ask for Mr. Law's help cause i have explained everything to him. Below is the calculation we made Mr. Car!ing. Mr. Car!ing must pay the compulsory 4.5% State of Hawaii General Excise Tax equal to $472,500.

(Gee, I didn't even slap him very hard, but he got right back in line.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I saw that you sent that, it's perfect. He'll see that on Monday and I'll confirm it. Then we hit him with Capital Gains and we're done. As soon as that step is finished, I will fly to Oahu and convert the checks to Samoan-based bearer bonds and we're home free. I'll call you when that's completed and we can arrange for me to send your 40% to you. Almost there, my friend.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Thanks for you quick respond partner i really want to see this come true so what's going on now well i need to know the actual state of this transaction now cause i can't wait any longer to get my percentage partner. Today been Monday will be the end of this GAME and i want to know when you will be living for Oahu to convert the check and when my percentage will get to my account cause the way am seeing things now friend my percentage will not get to me today been Monday just tell me exactly when my 40% will get to me i need to know this and please don't disappoint me cause am really counting on you partner, i just want you to surprise me with this until i get my percentage in my account that when i will start believing you my friend.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(Anything worth doing is worth over-doing, so I just went for it.)

All right, here we go. You need to read this carefully and do exactly as I say.

We're getting a shitload of money here and it needs to look legitimate. It's complicated, but I've worked this out with my attorney on Oahu and ALL of this is a real tax that Car!ing would have to pay. First, tell him that he will need to pay capital gains tax, which is explained here (IRS link) and here: (IRS Form link) Tell him that I checked with an estate planner at Charles Schwab and his tax calculation is explained here: (Schwab link). The part that applies to him is at the bottom.

The calculation is this:
Capital Gain = $10,500,000
Capital Gain Tax Exemption = $5,430,000
Taxable Capital Gain = $5,070,000
Capital Gain Tax due at %40 rate = $2,028,000

That's the check he will need to write. I've spent most of the weekend researching this so it is correct. Even if he was smart enough to talk to someone in the finance business, they would confirm this how the tax is paid. Of course, the crazy old man won't do that, but I wanted us to be sure that the big money comes in.

So here's how it all ends up:
$10,500
$10,500
$157,500
$472,500
$2,028,000
Total is $2,679,000
Your 40% share is $1,071,600.

How about THAT shit my little friend? I bet that amount of US money will make you a king in fucking Benin.

I'm wrapping things up here and will go to Oahu on Wednesday and convert the money over to Samoa and send you your portion then. I will head to Salelologa that night and will disappear in Matavai on the north shore where I have a nice little place. I've already got a deal set up there to invest my share and it will keep me rich for the rest of my life. You should do the same. As I said, read this all carefully and get to work.

(I know, I know, $1M isn't enough for all that, but he doesn't know it.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

(And he never batted an eye. Wow.)

Here is what am sending to him is this OK or do i have to add anything to it.

Hello Mr. Car!ing how are you doing today i hope all is well with you and your family if so let God Almighty be glorify for making you see this day. Sir please something just came up today in my office which i think you need to know about it so please go through this carefully so you can be able to understand it.

Mr. Car!ing you need to pay capital gains tax, which is explained here (link), check this website for your own view. (link)
Mr. Car!ing I checked with an estate planner at Charles Schwab and his tax calculation is explained here: (link)
The calculation is this:
Capital Gain = $10,500,000
Capital Gain Tax Exemption = $5,430,000
Taxable Capital Gain = $5,070,000
Capital Gain Tax due at %40 rate = $2,028,000

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Perfect, that's exactly right. I will let you know when everything is complete

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK i will be waiting for your respond i have sent Car!ing the mail so keep me updated partner

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

It's still early here, I will let you know

.

(Silence.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK so what's going on now partner.

(Interesting that this reply has punctuation. I wonder if the boss was checking in?)

Car!ing Christie

Car!ing to lad -- the confused old man has his limits!

That's fucking robbery, might as well live in a communist country if they're going to take so much of my money. I asked Gomez to talk to a tax accountant to see if there's some way to get around this. It's fucking crazy. I'll get back to you about it.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Gomez to lad

I just came from Car!ing's room...he's one furious old man.

It's funny to see him all upset, his face gets purple.

I assume you got some sort of message from him, he said he was going to send one. I told him I would talk to a finance guy and try to save him some money.

Of course, I really won't. To make it seem I did, I'll wait until tomorrow and then I'll get his check from him. I'm still on schedule to go to Oahu on Wednesday.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So what the plan now partner when are you planing to live to Oahu so i can send in my account were my share will be sent in to me cause i don't have any more time to waste on this, it almost done so when do i send my account details to you

(Oh well, back to my run-on-sentence friend.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Time to waste? On something this big? You must be kidding.
And I told you, I'm converting the money to bearer bonds. A bank transfer can be traced back to me and western union won't handle this much money. Here's how they work: (Wikipedia link) Ours will be issued by the government of Samoa and are better than cash. You'll see, it's really simple and untraceable.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Dose this mean that i don't need to send you any account for my own share to be transferred to me please enlighten me more about this Bearer_bond and how it works i need to know cause you will be living for Oahu any moment from now and please confirm to me if Car!ing has giving you the check i need to know, so tell me what do i do at this moment about the account issue partner.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Here's how it works.
A bearer bond is a debt security issued by a business entity, such as a corporation, or by a government. No records are kept of the owner, or the transactions involving ownership. Whoever physically holds the paper on which the bond is issued owns the instrument.
I send you the bonds, you can take them straight to the bank and nobody knows anything. It's tougher to get in the US because it gets used for money laundering, but I can do it in Samoa through a dummy corporation.
Simple and slick, you'll like it

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So will it be possible for me to get my percentage tomorrow i want to know cause i have already gone through dose bearer bond and i still want to know about on how tomorrow will look like i want to be prepared for this.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I'll try to get it done tomorrow, it may be Thursday. The process of buying the bonds can sometimes be a pain in the ass. All I need from you is a place to send them via FedEx

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I don't have any place now in mind for you to send my own share but the only place i have now in mind in Nigeria but i will let you know were to send my own share to but please give me from now till tomorrow so i can know were you will send my own to so please when are you living or have you arrive in Oahu i want to know were you are.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I go to Oahu this afternoon, no problem

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Tell me partner i want to know is this money coming through Samoa currency or coming through US Dollar tell me i want to know.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You're not getting it, it's not currency it's bearer bonds. Don't worry, it'll be quick and easy. The amounts will be in US Dollars but can be converted when you cash them in.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So you mean when i cash the bearer bond through FedEx then i can go and tender it to bank, partner i don't know about this but if you say it conducive then i have no choice than to by your ideal cause i my self is afraid of bank to bank transfer.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I'll send them to whatever address you want in a FedEx box. The bearer bonds are pieces of paper that look like this but will be from Samoa. You take them to the bank and deposit them. They're good forever so you don't have to do it all at once, each one will be for $10,000:

(A photo of a real bond was attached.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Law
Thanks for explaining this bearer bond stuff to me but the issue now is that it not that common in Africa here but i will like you to send me some money through Western union partner am totally broke and my wife is not feeling well too, and you promise to call me but still yet to no avail what's going on do call me or send me your number so i can call you. Here is the FedEx info you requested.
Receive's Name:
Country: BENIN DU REPUBLIC
Address: (Address that makes no sense, formatted wrong)
Mobile: xxxxxxxxxxxxx

(And He's STILL one digit shy of a phone number!)

Please try and send me some little money through Western-Union i don't mind the amount partner.
Receive's Name: (Same name as above)
Country: BENIN DU REPUBLIC City:COTONOU
Text Question: COLOUR
Answer: BLUE
Amount...............

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Totally broke? Is the scamming business bad these days?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Mr. Law what's going on have you mailed the bearer bond to the address i sent to you i need to know what's going on tell me, like you told me before you said you are going to call me but still to no avail what's going on tell me i need to know the situation on ground now.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Don't you remember that I go to Oahu today? That's when everything will get done. Relax and quit whining.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK so did you see the address i sent in to you, and please when did you think that the bearer bonds will arrive to my destination. I made an enquirer today and i find out that Eco bank of Nigeria are ruining this bearer bonds stuff so please i will like you to mail it with this bank so it can be easy for me to cash it up in Nigeria partner and please do call me as promise.

(Wasted his time doing research? Good job.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Yes, I have the address. You need to doublecheck it though, because that format is goofy. When I check it out on the FedEx site it doesn't recognize it, I think the format is wrong.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I have been looking for FedEx for the past 5hrs here in Benin Republic (Cotonou city) but all to no avail,

(Ain.t that just a shame?)

and i finally come to a conclusion.Please send me the Bearer Bonds through Nigeria,it is more safer there. Do this as soon as possible. Below is the info you need to use.

Receive Name: xxxxxxxxxxx
Country: NIGERIA
State:Lagos
City:Surulere
FedEx Address: (The FedEx office address).
Fedex-Redstar Express
Phone Number: xxxxxxxxxx
Mobile: xxxxxxxxxxxxx

OR
Receive Name: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Country: NIGERIA
State:Lagos
City: Alaba
FedEx Address:
(Another FedEx office, he really HAS been busy.)
Phone Number: xxxxxxxx
Mobile: xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Please do send me the Bonds today so by Monday i will have it on me and proceed to the bank at once for pick up.

-----
FedEx uses a third party service in Benin: FedEx is represented in Benin by a nominated Service Contractor. For more information about the FedEx services available from Benin please contact: | Company: | Saga Express C/O Top Chrono | Telephone: | xxxxxxxxxxx | Service Available: | Import |

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

A few paragraphs inserted for charity's sake

(And then just a brain dump stream of worry.)

Adams, Be wiser.
I don't really understand the game you are trying to play. Where exactly are you trying to arrive? I'm beginning to smell a foul game in this,I don't get you anymore what's really going on? I have endured a lot,i need a conclusion of this as soon as possible.

you first assured me that Samoa is the best place were you can take this funds to and make a good convert so why or this story now my friend please i don't like the extend you are taking this transaction to, but nevertheless i will wait but after you convert this funds to Bearers Bond please do send it to the location i gave you in Nigeria cause that the only place it will be conducive for me to pick it up without no stress. Please make sure this transaction ends before Friday. I have already made necessary arrangement with my bank manager.

Adams Gomez, please confirm to me about the name that is going to be on the Bearer Bonds cause my bank manager just called me today telling me that Bearer Bonds have names on them and i did not understand all of what he was saying so i went into Google and take a look of how Bearer Bonds look like but i find out they are names on it, so please tell me is the one you are sending to me going to have names as orders i have seen already i need to know this ASAP.

Since you wanted to play unanimous,you refuse giving me your number;what happened to my number i gave you and why haven't you called? In situation like this,call me and explain things to me.

Above all, let this be the last time you will use whatever you see on google or journals to convince me, I'm very serious about this. Most importantly, use this information below to send me some money,either through western or money gram. It is very important and urgent.Please do this after reception of this mail.

Receive's Name: xxxxxxxxxxxx
Country: BENIN DU REPUBLIC
City:COTONOU
Text Question: COLOUR
Answer: BLUE Amount................

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Lad to Carling

Hello Carling, How's your health condition and hope you are responding to treatment?

Please, for reference purpose, i need to know the location of your hospital and the exact place you are, its very important.

Above all, do give Mr. Law's mobile number,i need to speak with him now, its very important and urgent. I am waiting.............

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Gomez to lad

He's talking about registered bonds, these are negotiable bearer bonds and can be cashed by whoever holds them. The only name on them will be the shell company that I created in Samoa, that's where the'll be issued from. The bank manager probably hasn't dealt with these, they're pretty rare. I know how they work and I think that they can't be issued here in the US, my attorney is looking into it. If not, I already have a contact in Samoa and I will go there to take care of it.

I'm not just looking shit up, you idiot. I'm keeping you informed of what I'm doing so that you will quit worrying. You sound like my old grandmother.

And what's the story with the email you tried to send to Carling? He didn't get it you know. If you're trying to cross me, you won't like the consequences. Trust me on that.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK Mr. LAW Just be sincere with me,when exactly am I going to get hold of those bonds, I know that you are still around as for the message you saw it was just for confirmation so do not be scared OK, and let's go on with business, i just need your assurance now and that's all. Above all, mind the kind of words you use.And please, use that same address i gave u. There's a change of plan,i need those bonds to be forward straight to Nigeria, not Benin Republic again.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Just for confirmation? Bullshit. And I'm on Oahu, how is it that you keep forgetting that? Get your head out of your ass.

So here's the plan. I'll finish up with the attorney today. When that's done, all of the money will have been issued as negotiable bearer bonds by an offshore company called Pacific Windcraft LLC (A real company that folded the tents decades ago) located in Samoa.

I will go to Apia, Samoa on the next flight, which is tomorrow afternoon. I'll receive the bonds from the transfer agent and then the company will close and be forgotten because it's needed any more.

I can then send the bearer bonds to wherever you want. You keep changing that...what address do you want them to go to? I'd say you'll have them on Wednesday.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I have understand all that you have said and it was well noted by me, you can send the Bonds to any of the location i sent in to you i want those bonds to be sent to Nigeria cause that will be the easy way for me to pick them up and i will get it there without any stress.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Fine, you can deal with getting them over the border into Benin. I suppose it won't be a big deal. Countries that support your kind of 419 work probably don't care much about anything. It always amazes me how many of you there are. I get thousands of emails, there must a million 419 scammers.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

That true and i pray you don't be a victim of there story, so please try and proceed with what ever you are doing so by Monday i will have those Bonds with me and go for pickup.

(How touching.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I found it amazing that anybody becomes a victim, the messages you guys send out are so ridiculous. Or maybe that's your plan, you figure if someone is stupid enough the reply, they're stupid enough to scam?
It seems like a tough way to make a living, how do you make enough to live

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

(The answer sure wasn't what I expected.)

That you will not even like to know my friend that how it is over here we call it (AFRICAN MAGIC) but i know that after this business my life will change for good and i still want you to be fast cause we don't have any more time if you will understand what i mean Partner

(This has come up more than once over the years, interesting how they justify their scamming.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Your african magic will reward you for stealing from innocent people? Hilarious.
I'm leaving for the attorney's office now and will update you later.
That magic stuff is some seriously funny shit.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I will be waiting for your respond OK.

(And then I shut up for a few days to get him worried.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Law what's going on i have not had from you since, i hope all is going well please do get back to me and tell me the current state of our transaction.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr. Law Whats going on today been Monday still yet i have not here from you, just tell me what the fuck is taking you so much time on this and please let this not be what am thinking about cause if it is hmmmmmmmm! i bet you that you will not like what this will warrant, so just get back to me now and tell me what the hell is going on

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Settle down, this kind of transaction doesn't just magically happen. This is a serious pile of money, what we're doing isn't exactly legal. I told you Monday and I meant Monday. The bank doesn't open for another hour or so. It's still fairly early in the morning here. And what exactly do you mean by "i bet you that you will not like what this will warrant"? That sounds a little like a threat.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So tell me whats the normal state of this transaction now have you been able to cash the Bearer Bonds which you converted and why telling me to settle down, look my friend i don't even sleep again i go restless every nite and that alone is long enough to let you know that my mind is not at rest anymore.

(Hehehe, I really am enjoying keeping the little guy up all night for days on end.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Relax. I'll have the bonds in a fedex box headed to the Nigeria address this afternoon. And be careful with your words, little man. Threatening your partner is bad for your business

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK now you really talking Partner this is what i have been longing to here so please do notify me on what address you are sending it to cause i provided two address, so please after sending it please do notify me on what address you sent it to avoid mistake and please do not get offended if my word really hot you that much but you know when it come to issue like this men can get on necessary anger so please my apologies PARTNER.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Well, the last thing you sent was use either one. Which do you prefer?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Make use of this address i will be waiting for your respond after this.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Lagos Nigeria
I need to go to bed now just keep me updated partner cause it late here

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

If you want to be asleep when I send it, that's up to you. Why am I sending it to FedEx office instead of to a person?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(Time for another problem to pop up.)

It looks like I'm going to have to use UPS. FedEx uses a local company called CSL Delivers and they don't have a physical address to drop shit off. They come to you and there's no fucking way I'll do that. I don't want ANY tracks left behind. UPS uses a company called Fax Cargo and I can go to the airport and drop your package off using a fake name and address. Nobody will know the difference and I can disappear.
The address you gave me is a FedEx office. Where do you want UPS to deliver to?
Fucking third world countries

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Please, do this as soon as you wake up and no more stories again. You really delaying this shit,

(Have you noticed how the profanity is starting to creep in as I continue to cuss at him? Good fun.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(Best remind the lad who.s in charge.)

Fuck you and your stories. You're not paying attention. If I was trying to screw you, why would I be going through all this bullshit to try to get you your fucking money? I would have just disappeared. I'm still here and working on it, so cut the shit. It's not MY idea to switch to UPS. FedEx only has a phone number here.

THERE IS NO OFFICE. I would have to call them and they would come to pick it up and that's just stupid and dangerous on my part. I do NOT want them to know where I am or where I've been at all. There's too much at stake here. UPS service DOES have an office. I can stroll in there, send the package with a fake name for my part and just walk away clean. I ask again, do you want it to go to the same address? I don't care if you want it go to your front door or the fucking McDonald's on the corner, I just need to send it somewhere. YOU are the one slowing things down here. I need to send this today, where do you want it sent?

Get your head out of your ass and let's finish this. I'm still doing what I can for you, so quit fucking around

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK Mr. Law Here is the UPS COURIER SERVICE INFO; UPS Customer Center (The UPS office address.)
Here is my own personal details; Receiver's Name; xxxxxxxxxxx Phone Number; xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Once it arrive there,they will contact me and i go and pick it up, i Do send me the necessary info so i can be tracking the package as soon as it arrive in Nigeria.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Good, see that wasn't difficult at all. I assume that's not your real name, so are you sure you'll be able to receive it?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

yes,please make sure you send it today.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Relax, my little thief. Don't be so fucking pushy

.
ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I will receive it, do send me the neccesary info so i can be tracking the package online as soon as it arrive in Nigeria

(The address was crap, time for the abuse to REALLY begin. This took us to new heights of abuse.)

PART 3

HOW MANY TIMES A LAD SCREWS UP ONE LITTLE TASK.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You stupid fuck, you don't even know the fucking address in your own fucking country? I can't get a price quote without the postal code.

Fucking moron. What's the rest of the fucking address? You're wasting my time.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Hello Mr.LAW
I have been waiting for your respond just to know how everything is going with you, please like i told you before if you need any other info please let me know cause i have not done anything with UPS before so please you don't have to blame me for all this delays my friend cause this is my first time of making use of UPS.

(He added the postal code.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I'm working on it, this is one backward fucking third world fucking country. I need to pay in cash and have to use Samoan Tala instead of US Dollars. Now I have to go to fucking bank and get 775 fucking tala to ship the fucking box.

At least I'm declaring a customs value of only $10. That's pretty funny.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK so what do you intend to do now partner

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

What I just told you. Don't you read the whole message?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Did you see the postal code i sent in to you, and please do notify me now with all info you need so by today everything will be done

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

That looks like it's all I need. Once I get the money switched I'll go back to the UPS office at the airport. What a fucking joke.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

So that means everything will be done today partner.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You sure are a pushy little fucker. Yes, it should go out today. It should get to you in 5 or 6 days.

Go to bed. Being tired makes you say stupid shit.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

WHAT! 5 or 6 days that a hole lot of days you know, i just hope it gets to me that all but this shit is getting more interesting partner, just make sure this package lives today.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Hey, that's how long it takes, deal with it. If it was an envelope, it could get there in 2, but this is a 20 pound box. It has to go on a fucking boat to someplace and then flown to Nigeria

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Do send me the details i need so i can be tracking the package online before the arrival to Nigeria.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Fucking UPS and their fucking useless fucking forms. I need to fill out the one I attached. See box #2 for the consignee? That's you and when I gave them the address you gave me, that won't work. It's their own fucking office and it needs to be a residential address unless I'm shipping to a business and there are whole shitload of fucking forms for that. I need a real address, I don't care whose it is. DON'T USE YOURS. I doubt anybody gives a shit, but use something else that is an actual address.

NOT A BUSINESS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? They have a fucking database of this shit.I don't care if it's the local whorehouse or the hut of the dumbass prophet you went to, I just something that will work. Get it to me right away and I can go to the fucking airport AGAIN.

This is starting to be not fucking worth it, I should keep the money myself.

I won't. Fucking UPS is fucking up my fucking day

(It's actually a real form, mighty darn handy.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Here is a resident address in Nigeria you can make use of this address and once it arrive i can go and pick it up partner.

(Another address without a postal code. Incoming.)

I hope you will not ask me for any fucking address after this one.

(He's really cranking up the profanity now. I've created a monster.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

According to the agent, this is the last thing I need to send the box.

What a pain in the ass. So you want me to send it to this address instead of the UPS office, right?

What the fuck? THERE IS NO POSTAL CODE AGAIN.

I'm about ready to just tell you to fuck off, why are you playing games with me like this? Are you DARING me not to pay you?

And I don't find a street by that name anywhere in a search. If it's not a real address, this isn't going to work. If I can't find the fucking place in google earth I'm not wasting my time to go to UPS again just because YOU are fucking with me.

You're testing the end of my patience, little man. Get this right or you can fucking starve to death. Fuck with me one more time and you'll never see a fucking penny.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Mr. Law
Why all this delays look here my friend you are testing my patient why are you doing all this, first it was postal code and now my resident address why can't you send this to the UPS address i gave you so i can go directly to there office and pick it up as soon as this package arrive look my friend i don't understand you anymore what are you up to just tell me cause i don't understand again look we have come a long way so you don't have any right to treat me like one of dose silly patient in Oahu, so now make use of that UPS address i gave you and stop asking me for silly resident address, mind you that you are the one delaying this now not me after all you requested we use UPS so why fucking around with me partner.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(Remember, It's always the lad.s fault. It sure is easy when he really IS wrong.)

Go back and read what I said and no, YOU ARE THE ONE fucking this up. How many times to I have to tell you that a postal code is needed? What kind of moron are you? How many times do I have to tell you that you can SEND to the UPS office but you need a real address on the form that I FUCKING SENT YOU.

Why would I make this shit up? And why did you make up a bullshit address in Lagos that you KNOW isn't real. Why are YOU delaying this? Do you not WANT your money? I need an address for the form NOW. It doesn't need to be your house, nobody is sending anything there, I just need for the form I sent you. Can't your read that?

One more chance, you idiot, and I'm gone and you get nothing. You behave like your playing games when there's a million bucks waiting for you. Unbelievable.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Mr. Law
I just saw the form now i never new you sent in form to me i apologies for that but i still want you to help me, can't you see i have not done anything with UPS before and i don't have any idea on how they operate so you don't have to blame me my friend.

OK here is a resident address you can make use of this one:
Address: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Postal Code: xxxxxxxxx

(It's the address of a hotel. Oops.)

If this is not enough you can list the details out for me so i can send it to you i don't want any delays in this partner

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

What part of "not a business" did you not understand? Why do I have to tell you everything twice you fucking moron? That address is a hotel. You don't want any more forms and having a commercial address on there means a SHITLOAD of them. QUITE FUCKING AROUND.

Sounds like a nice place, this is attached to the hotel address:

(It really is pretty nuts.)

The Department of State warns U.S. citizens of the risks of travel to Nigeria and recommends that U.S. citizens avoid all travel to Adamawa, Borno, and Yobe states because of the proclamation on May 14, 2013, by the government of the Federal Republic of Nigeria of States of Emergency in those three states. The ability of the Mission to provide assistance to U.S. citizens in those states remains severely limited. The Department also continues to recommend against all but essential travel to the following states due to the risk of kidnappings, robberies, and other armed attacks: Abia, Akwa Ibom, Bauchi, Bayelsa, Delta, Edo, Gombe, Imo, Jigawa, Kaduna, Kano, Katsina, Kebbi, Niger, Plateau, Rivers, Sokoto, and Zamfara. The Department also warns against travel to the Gulf of Guinea because of the threat of piracy. Based on safety and security risk assessments, the Embassy maintains restrictions for travel by U.S. officials to all northern Nigerian states (in addition to those listed above); officials must receive advance clearance by the U.S. Mission for any travel deemed as mission-essential. U.S. citizens should be aware that extremists could expand their operations beyond northern Nigeria to the country's middle and southern states.

That's some crazy shit. NOW GET ME A REAL ADDRESS YOU IDIOT. And read my messages completely. It's not my fault you never looked at the form and it's not my fault you gave me a business address. How many more ways can you slow this process down?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(Then he disappeared for a couple days.)

Well? What's going on? You've had all day to get your shit together.

You're testing my patience and I can't stay on this fucking island forever

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Get this straight, if I don't hear from you today with the information I need, you can kiss your fucking money goodbye and blame yourself for being such a fucking idiot.

I'm waiting, but not much longer.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Mr. Adam
Look i don't understand you anymore the address i gave you earlier was a resident address but i notice that it was not register and please don't even insult me look here my friend don't even try to play GAMES cause i don't see any reason why you want to be greedy to your self why can't you send me my own share and stop telling me cock and bush stories beside i was born and brought up in Nigeria so any address i give you is a resident address see my friend you have giving me sleepiness nite why do you choice to be greedy look my friend you can't get away with this i bet you, it seems you don't know who you are dealing with, look here we have come a long way in this and i have help you achieve your goal and i think i deserve my own share now look i am giving from now till Saturday if you don't send me my own share hmmmmmmmmmmmmm! my friend i will not say much but my advice is that you go on Google and ask about BENIN DU REPUBLIC on what they do best. Here is a registered address.

Address: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(No house number, no postal code. This is just too easy.)

This is were my brother live in Nigeria and i am making use of his resident address so please don't even try to give me excuses this time just do what you have to do and let get our self's paid cause we have come a long way.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I can't believe you're not smart enough to understand how addresses work in your OWN FUCKING CITY. Xxxxxxxxxxxx is the fucking Hotel de la Ruel. NOT A RESIDENCE.

"i was born and brought up in Nigeria so any address i give you is a resident address" That might be the stupidest thing you've said so far. Every address is a residence? Tell that to all the businesses with addresses. Think before you type, it's enlightening. And unless your brother lives in THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD you're still wasting my time. What's the house number, you idiot. Are you just fucking around and playing games or are you really this stupid? I have a form to fill out so far all you have done is prevent it and delayed getting you money. What the fuck is wrong with you?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

That's how the address is been use so go and make use of it why all this question Mr. Law and i don't want dose fricking courses from you. make use of it its a resident address OK,the first address i gave you which is: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(Yup, no postal code again. Wow.)

is a resident address but it was not registered, so get back to work and send the package to this address, and look i don't by the idea of you condemning the address i am giving to you i see it as madness your own is for you to send me my own share and not to ask me all salt of question.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

IF IT'S NOT REGISTERED UPS WON'T RECOGNIZE IT YOU STUPID FUCK. And you're trying to tell me that your brother doesn't have a house? ALL YOU GAVE ME WAS THE NAME OF A ROAD.

(Let's see if I can start turning it back on him a little and accuse him of delaying things for some sort of reason.)

Not even you can be that stupid. What's your game here? Why do just keep fucking this up over and over?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN
Just make use of it that way Mr. ADAMS and stop asking all this question or you check it on Google for you own view OK an quiet fucking around with me.
GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

An avenue is not a complete address, you moron. Sure you can see it in google, IT'S A ROAD AND IT'S A MILE LONG. Does your brother live in a car on the sidewalk? What the fuck is wrong with you? I'll stop asking questions when you finally give me a fucking answer. You've been feeding me bullshit for days. What the fuck for? This isn't fucking brain surgery, I just need a fucking residential address. Why do you keep giving me everything BUT one? You're either stupid or batshit crazy, I don't know which. It makes no sense for you to delay this, why do you keep doing it? Are you nuts?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK Mr. Law Make use of this address Address: 2nd Avenue, By 203raod, Festac Town.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Nelson Auto Part Shop Beside 203 Road, Festac
2nd Ave
Nigeria

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU FUCKING IDIOT
GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Well congratulations you stupid fuck. This is a 3-day holiday weekend (memorial day, look it up if you don't believe me). You have managed to fuck around and delay this enough to push this out to NEXT FUCKING TUESDAY because EVERYTHING IS FUCKING CLOSED.

Why are you doing this? Don't you want the money? You don't make any sense at all. If I don't see a REAL ADDRESS with a house number and a street name and a city and a postal code when I get back to this fucking computer cafe on Monday, YOU WILL GET NOTHING. That should be simple enough for even YOU to understand. There are tree trunks here that are smarter than you.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Mr. Gomez i will not even say a word to you any more but you don't know what you are playing with don't even think you will be alive to eat that money cause if is what you have in mind then you have failed already just wash and see continue misbehaving ADAM i don't have much to tell you again but i promise you this you will here from me.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(don't wake up that bear.he may get angry.)

This shithole cafe finally opens up and you send me THIS? I've been running around this fucking island for a fucking week and you THREATEN me? You tell me I won't be alive when I hold YOUR riches and have worked so hard to get them to you? You truly are the stupidest Nigerian in history. Fine then, you want to play that game? Then fuck you. I'm calling your bluff, you moron. Come and fucking get me. I don't know what I'm playing with? I'm playing with an idiot who just went too far. You threaten my life AGAIN and expect me to send you a fucking penny? Are you fucking insane or just so brainless that you can't fucking function? Okay, let me hear from you. Come and kill me. You know that's all bullshit, but you're the one stupid enough to say it. I'll even make it easy for you. I'm at the La Manumea Resort in Apia. I'm in executive suite number 11.

(Real place, non-existent room.)

You're such a genius and have all your contacts and all your bullshit African Magic. Then come and get your fucking money. I fly out on Friday, that should be plenty of time to send someone to my hotel and kill me, don't you think? Unbelievable. You could have had more money than you've ever imagined and you delayed and delayed and fucked around and ran me around and then were enough of a brainless fucking fool to THREATEN me? Fuck you and your mother. I'm here until Friday. I'm waiting to die. Fucking idiot.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

(It appears he calmed down after the slap. His backpedaling always brings a smile to my evil face.)

Look my friend anything i said to you was out of anoyance so i don't want you to border your self with that but to tell you the sincere truth my friend i don't like your reactions towards this transaction and don't even try to make me go mad at you cause you started this at the first time so i don't want to talk much i have already gotting a resident address so please do send me my own share and let's end this once and for all. Here is the resident address you requested for: Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx BY AFAROGU OSHODI LAGOS

(Afarogu isn't a road or a town. What a maroon.)

And please i want this to end today i hope you are not still upset about what i told you i said it out of anger so please try and understand me Mr. Gomez

(Groveling is good.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You're annoyed so you threaten my life? Again? And you bitch about MY reaction? And what do you mean, "don't even try to make me go mad at you"? What the fuck are you going to do about it?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(Several hours later.)

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? There is no such thing as Afarogu Street, did you mean Afariogun? That's the nearest that the FedEx agent could come up with and now I wasted ANOTHER trip to the fucking airport. You threaten me and then apologize and threaten me and apologize again and then give me yet another street that doesn't fucking exist? I can't figure it out. You've had EVERY chance to make this work and have stopped it every time. I leave in two days you stupid piece of shit. Get it right or get nothing.
Did your mother have any children with brains? I can't believe I'm still trying to help you. I must be a bigger idiot than you

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Mr. Law please am sorry about my mistake and i really want to apologize to you about that but you see my friend you insulted me several times do you think am a kid it very unfair my friend, look my friend that we are doing business dose not gives you all right to insult me at least i no that you have tried but please you still need to help me Mr. Law you have yours now so please let me get my look we have come a long way and i don't want you to let me down. As for the address i made mistake in the spellings. Here is the correct address Mr. Law Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

(A real address of a real house)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Mistake after mistake. Why do you keep doing this? How many incorrect addresses have you given me? Five? Six? That's not mistakes, little man, that is DELIBERATE. Once or twice, maybe those are mistakes. But that many times? Bullshit. What are you up to? What's your game, feeding me bad information over and over again? I need to understand what the fuck you're doing. My neck is on the line here and you will NOT fuck me over.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Mr. Law I understand your present state but you see i have to save my neck too as you wish to do too, so please i want you to know that i am scared as you are OK so please try and understand that we both are also scared of same problem. Please help me and lets end this, the address you have now is a good address so please do this for me and save your neck the way i am saving my Mr. Law.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

How does making up bullshit addresses for two weeks and running me all over this fucking town save your fucking neck? Exactly what the fuck does that mean?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Now you have a good address please do this once and for all Mr. Law so we can all be happy i know that i have delayed this but i still want you to understand please do make use of this one OK i have already corrected the mistake in there so please do this for me you have your so please let me have my Mr. Law.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You still haven't answered my question. Why the delays? What was the purpose? It doesn't make any fucking sense.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Yes i know but i was afraid of receiving the package in my resident that's all OK so now you have a good resident address you can go and do it now Mr. Law.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You wasted two fucking weeks of MY TIME because you were worried about your fucking address? And you didn't TELL ME? You sent me LIES FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS. What the fuck? Didn't I warn you about pissing me off? Well now YOU can fucking wait. I had to change my flight out of here to Monday, so I'm sending it THEN when I go to the fucking airport. After all your bullshit and lies, I'm not wasting another fucking trip so you can just wait until I'm good and fucking ready. You can spend the time fucking some sort of farm animal you lying fuck. Or you sister, I don't give a shit. And don't think you're going to get the whole amount, asshole. My time is WORTH MONEY and I'll send you what I feel like sending. Keep pissing me off and that number will keep getting smaller. Fucking unbelievable

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Remember we made an agreement so please let my share be complete Mr. Law, i don't care when you are sending the money but anything you are doing i just want you to be fast about it that's all

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

We also had an agreement to work together and YOU fucked that up by fucking around and lying to me and wasting my fucking time. I'll send what I want to and I'll send it when I want to. Tough shit.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I know you are doing all this because you have your own share now but nevertheless i don't mind only if you will not take what will get me mad from my share so tell me what is the exact date you are sending my own share.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I told you Monday. I don't think you actually read what I send. Or are the sentences too fucking long for you? If everyone in Africa is as stupid as you, you're in deep shit

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Just keep to your words this time Mr. Law !Monday.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I HAVE kept to my word. I've told you what was going on every step of the way while YOU fucked around.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

OK i will wait till Monday Mr. Gomez

PART 4

ESCAPE FROM SAMOA AND ISSUES WITH THUNDERSTORMS.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Change of plans, I have to get out of here sooner than Monday. It appears that the lawyer I used to convert the money to bearer bonds has put the word out about me and there are people coming to Samoa that I do NOT want to find me. The good news for you is that you'll get your share a whole shitload faster than if I had shipped it to you on Monday.

I'm going off the grid until Sunday when I fly out. 56 fucking hours to get to fucking Nigeria. Fucking third world country bullshit.

I'm arriving in Lagos from Doha, Qatar at 1:05 on Tuesday. Qatar Airways flight 1415. Meet me there and I'll fucking HAND you your money and be done with this. I fly out to Mauritius at 8:50 the same night so don't fuck up and miss me.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Mr. Adams
I am not surprised at all but let me ask you what Airport do you want me to cash up with you cause we have so many Airport in Lagos, and i want you to know that if you have come in peace so be it so we meet on Tuesday. I want to let you know that we have a deal Mr Law.

(I don't know about you, but that sounds a whole lot like he believes me.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Murtala Muhammed, you know where that is?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Don't border i know there so we meet on Tuesday right!

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Okay I will see you then.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Monday:

where are you at the moment,and what are you upto.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I'm on my way to you. Do you only read every other word of my messages? I'm in Qatar and am flying out in the morning.

There's some concern about thunderstorms in Nigeria. Just my fucking luck.

(There really were thunderstorms, a whole week.s worth according to the forecast. Timing is everything.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Tuesday:

OK Mr Law

when are you going to reach NIGERIA .am in the airport now?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Yeah, I'm in an airport. In Port fucking Harcourt. They delayed us for five hours and then diverted us here because of the thunderstorms. And whatever Chappal Waddi is it totally fucked us over.

(It's the highest peak in Nigeria and had nasty weather all over it that day.)

I'll let you know what's going on when I know. Fucking third world country. How far is it from Benin to here?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

16 HOURS. HOW AM I GOING TO RECOGNIZE U. U DIDNT ATTACHED UR FLIGHT TICKET OR ANY PASSPORT. WHAT SHIRT ARE U PUTTING ON, HOW WILL U KNOW I AM D ONE, ALL THIS ARE COMPLICATING.

(16 hours? Oh my.can I actually get him to drive that far? For a million bucks, maybe I can. I hope the planets align themselves.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

CALL ME NOW ON +xxxxxxxxxxxxx WITH ANY NUMBER.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

That can wait, there's no need to talk to you yet. I'm stuck here and that's all there is.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I'M ALREADY ON MY WAY COMING TO LAGOS, IN 2HRS I WILL BE IN LAGOS.

TAKE A PLANE COMING TO LAGOS

(Awesome. Enjoy the drive.)

We do hope he doesn't have a ghastly motor crash on the Sagbama Expressway!

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

What the fuck do you think I'm trying to do? My flight was from Doha to Lagos was diverted here.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

All right, so here's the story. You're not going to like it but too fucking bad. The next available flight from this shithole to the Lagos shithole isn't until Friday. Today's flight already left, none on Wednesday and Thursday is full. What kind of fucking plane does Hahn Air fly anyway? A fucking biplane?

(The flight schedule is real, I don't know about the full one. It certainly sounded reasonable.)

Because of the thunderstorms between here and there, the flight to Mauritius I was SUPPOSED to be on has been cancelled but all the passengers who are stranded here will be able to go out late tomorrow, the airline is moving the flight from Lagos to here. You need to get to me by then or the whole deal is no good. Sorry about the complication, but that's the way it is. Your fucking country has thunderstorms in the forecast all fucking week. Why the fuck does anyone live in this godforsaken shithole?

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I'M ALREADY OUT OF BENIN COMING TO LAGOS .IN D NXT 105MINS, I WILL BE IN LAGOS. WHAT DO U ACTUALLY WANT ME TO DO. GOMEZ,PLS CALL ME NOW. THIS IS MORE THAN MAIL. SINCE U RE IN PORT HARCOURT AIRPORT,WHY DONT U BOARD A PLANE FROM THERE TO LAGOS, SO WE CAN MEET THERE.

(From the appearooks like he shifted to a cell phone and is texting his emails. Maybe he really is on the road.)

Lagos is about 50 miles from the Benin border

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

SORRY FOR D INCONVINECE,I DONT WANT U TO BE STRANDED . JUST LOOK FOR A HOTEL AND LODGE. SEND ME D HOTEL NAME AND D ROOM NUMBER. I WILL MEET U THERE.

(Oh please let it be so. Let greed be his guide. I'd love a little helmet in my sig line!)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

What a fucking pain in the ass. You would think Lagos is a big enough place that there would be more than one fucking flight every day. I'm going to book a room at the Golden Tulip Hotel, I'll get the address and room number to you after I get there.

I have to get rid of this phone now, it's been used too much for someone carrying this much fucking money. I'll contact you from a computer at the hotel.

Remember, I'm out of here on Friday with or without your money, so let's get this done as soon as we can.

(Okay, the bait is officially dangled. In a few hours we try to set the hook and drag him the 300+ miles to Port Harcourt. Time to find a web cam or a bar where he can take a photo for me.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

HOPE U RE OK,WHAT'S D HOTEL NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I'm at the Golden Tulip

1C EVO CRESCENT - GRA 2
500001
PORT HARCOUR

My room is on the third floor, but I think giving you the exact number is a stupid idea. There's way too much at stake here for me to just let you and some of your criminal buddies come and fuck me over and take everything. Remember when your fucked up african magic prophet said I would kill Carling? Sounds like that's the way business is done here.

Contact me when you arrive and we can agree to meet someplace nice and crowded so there won't be any chance for you to fuck me over. I'm a whole lot smarter than you think.

It's the middle of the night and I'm going to fucking bed. I'll get a burner phone tomorrow so we can finish this

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

CALL ME 2MORO

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Go back and read what I said. I leave tomorrow night. Come get your shit or I'll keep it for myself.

I'm shutting this fucking thing off now.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

ADAMS,HOW RE U THIS MORNING. HOPE GOOD. I'M ABT COMING OUT. CALL ME NOW. AND WHEN ARE U LEAVING.

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

I told you, I'm leaving tonight. The flight is at 11:35 pm out of this little piece of shit airport.

What the fuck is wrong with your phone? I got a new burner and all I get is a fucking whistling noise.

Call me. (Whistling Pickle number, just an irritating sine wave tone)

I thought you said it would take 16 hours. Have you left yet?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(A couple hours later.)

Well? What the fuck? I need to head to the airport soon and my phone isn't ringing.

You're running out of time and I'm sure as shit not waiting for your delaying ass

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Gomez,d hold up is too much. I will be arriving@ least by 4. You better cancel ur trip till we meet. we have a lot to discuss. you are the cause of this, u told me,that you will be traveling on Friday and now you are telling me another thing,that u will going back this night. come look,how do u buy ur own ticket, is a flight ticket or taxi ticket. u purchase, that you are easily getting like this ,Aboveall d number u gave me is not coecting, y? Again,I called d hotel management, they don't know anybody like u or name that goes with its. if u actually can wait,drop my parcel with hotel management

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You stupid shit, do you think I gave them my real name? I'm a whole lot smarter than that, I guess you aren't.

You'll arrive at 4 what? Tomorrow morning? Tomorrow afternoon? My plane leaves for Mauritius in a fucking hour you idiot.

And do you seriously think I'm to leave a million dollars worth of bonds with the fucking hotel? If that's your plan you really are a brainless fuck.

And my phone still isn't ringing.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

if actually u can't wait, drop my parcel with the hotel management, I have their contact. tell them that xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx coming to carty the parcel. d same name in on his passport,

(He's been using the same name throughout and It's on his passport? Interesting that I've gotten that deep.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You seriously expect me to leave that kind of money at a hotel front desk in this corrupt shithole of a country? You really are an idiot.

And you didn't answer me, when are you arriving?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You are one lucky fuck. There's a flight connecting through Nairobi at 8:00 in the morning and I can change to that for a few hundred bucks. Of course I'm spending your money.

I'm going to find a place to get another fucking phone. All this one does is fucking whistle.

You want to see what my shirt looks like? Here's a picture and a note for you. I'll get back to you after I get the phone

(I took a photo of my arm with my shirt visible and obvious airport surroundings with a message with today.s date, his name and .get fucking moving. written on a piece of paper.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

I'm in the hotel now,where re u?

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(Time is starting to run out on him.)

Where the fuck are you? I've had it with your third world bullshit airlines. I've got a charter coming from Nairobi that should be here in four hours. If I don't see you before then, kiss your fucking money goodbye.

And yes, I booked the charter out of YOUR share. Moron.

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

Call me on this new phone as soon as you receive this. If you are not on you way here, you won't hear from me again.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (All it does is say, .Hello? Hello?.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

Well, time's up. I can't believe you managed to fuck this up over and over again. The charter just landed and I'm going through security so it looks like the money stays with me. Tough shit for you, but you had your chance and I did everything I could to get it to you.

You could have been the richest scammer in Africa if you weren't such a fucking idiot.

Time to go

(I added a blurry cell phone image of a jet on the tarmac taken through a rainy airport window.)

ANDREW C. COLEMAN

GOMEZ ADAMS IDIOT,
YOU ARE D BIGGEST FOOL IN THIS MOTHER PLANET. TO HELL WITH U, FUCK UR FUCKING ASS PIT.
JOKER, YOU MADE KNOCK DOWN SOMEONE ON D CAUSE OF GETTING U. UNTRUSTWORTHY GUY,U THINK THAT I CAN ENRICH U WITHOUT BEEN GET PAID,BUT U LOOSE. WHERE THE FUCKING HELL ARE U. YOU ARE NOT EVEN IN AFRICA.

(Ass pit? I'm gonna use that one for sure. Did he really drive to Port Harcourt? I don't have any proof but I doubt he'd fire off that rant if he didn't.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

You're right, I'm not in Africa any more. I told you, I'm in Mauritius. It's your own fucking fault. You had TWO DAYS to get to Port Harcourt and fucked around just like you always do.

Who did you knock down? That sounds pretty funny.

Here's the view from my hotel. Feel free to come get your money, you stupid fuck. I'm at the Oberoi for a couple days while I get my condo squared away.

Does it ever stop raining on this fucking continent?

(Another minimal quality photo of palm trees and the sunset, making sure that the time of day is correct.)

GOMEZ ADAMS LAW

(One last tweak several days later, just for shits.)

Ah my little African friend, I just had to let you know that the current exchange rate for the Mauritius rupee is 35 per US Dollar. That's right, thanks to you I have over 70,000,000 rupees and you can buy a fucking estate here for the equivalent of $250,000 US Dollars.

I am one happy camper. And I'm laughing at you.

If you managed to slog your way through this whole mess, thanks for reading. I hope you had some laughs and if you got an idea or two for your own lad abuse I really am a happy camper.

 

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