People with nothing better to do, er, readers, may recall MISCHIEF'S A FOOT,
in which the unsuspecting widow "Joan" (first-time Kindly Contributor)
was romanced by a scammer who turned out to be an ambitious young footballer,
at least that's what he claims. We suspect that what Mary McCarthy said about
Lilian Hellman (to her cost) could be said of "Solomon Chuks Daniel", aka Danny.
Danny first approached "Joan" posing as "Sam Bangula". Danny later said
Sam was just someone he met in a computer class,
whom he asked for the name of someone to marry. OK...
WELL - "Paul Jones" (also a first-time Kindly Contributor)
took offense to this, and sent the following:
"Basically i'm sick and tired of 'religious' people using other peoples 'death'
as a way to make money and scam people. After finding that football on your
website it appeared the chat with him had died a death so i decided to take
over. I wanted to give him a feeling of what it feels like to be scammed and
also ultimately see why he does it and if he feels sorry for it. I nearly felt
sorry for him myself but then again he does this to a lot of people i presume.
Let me know what you think........
Scam revenge !!"
What follows is a highly imaginative concept.
NOTE: Football here means soccer, y'all.
PAUL JONES, TALENT SCOUT(note he writes to "Sam Bangula" who morphed into "Danny the Footballer",
who claims to be a different person)
To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Football Apprenticeship Dear Mr Bangula Please let me introduce myself. My name is Paul Jones, i am a regional scout for Africa for Manchester Football Club. My role is to try to find new young untapped talent in Africa. In recent years I have been very successful in getting football scholarships for many young african players. Indeed many Premiership teams have african players thanks to myself. Several years ago i helped Kanu come over to the UK (I had to deal with immigration officials, find a home for him etc) and now Kanu is a successful part of the Arsenal setup. One of our missions is to find young talent in Africa, bring them over to our football academy in Manchester and if after a 6 week stint there is untapped potential and if Alex Ferguson agrees then we offer a 2 year deal. I would like you to possibly come over to Manchester to our training ground to show what you can do. I will offer you a place of accomodation for the one week trial and you will get evening meals together with the rest of the Manchester United Academy. I have been given your name by several sources and I found out that you were an ex player for the Liberian Football team playing in Cote d'Ivoire. Even if nothing comes of this i think it would be a great P.R move for both Manchester United and your country. I am currently in the process of contacting several young players in Africa, please come back to me and confirm you are under 25 years of age. Please also answer the following questions so you can appear on our website in the near future... Full name: Position: Favourite football player: Favourite football team: Favourite popstar wife you would like to marry: A quote from yourself: I'm sure you will agree that this will do African football the world of good and also public relations for Manchester United. On behalf of the reigning Premiership League champions, Regards Paul Jones Africa Regional Scout
DANNY THE FOOTBALLER(Danny may not be Sam Bangula but he's picking up his e-mails)
From: soccer life [email@example.com] Subject: I AM INTERESTED IN YOUR OFFER.SEE ATTACHED DOCUMENTS ABOUT MYSELF. Received: from [184.108.40.206] by web10606.mail.yahoo.com via HTTP DEAR PAUL JONES, THANKS FOR YOUR EFFORT TO HELP AFRICAN PLAYERS LIKE MY BROTHER KANU.I AM A FREE BORN NIGERIA PLAYING UNDER UNITED LIBERIAN FOOT CLUB HERE IN ABIDJAN COTE D'IVOIRE.NOTE:SIR I DID NOT SIGN ANY CONTRACT WITH THE CLUB HERE.SO I AM A FREE PLAYER. WELL I APPRECIATED YOU PICKING ME UP FOR THIS GREAT PRIVELADGE.I AM NATURALLY A DEFENDER,I PLAY FROM WRITE FULL BACK,LEFT FULL BACK,SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GO FOR ATTACK,STARTING FROM MIDFIELD AS SURPORTING STRICKER OR WRITE OUT OR LEFT OUT. SIR,MY FULL NAME IS SOLOMON CHUKS DANIEL ATTACKING MIDFIELDER FAVOURITE FOOTBALL PLAYER:PATRICK VIERRA FAVOURITE FOOTBALL CLUB:MANCHESTER UNITED,LIVER POOL OR ASERNAL FC. FEMALE POP START: NIL SIR,I HAVE MY INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT READY FOR ANY TRAVELL TO ANY COUNTRY FOR TRIALS.I AM UNDER TWENTY FIVE AS YOU WANT IT.OPEN THE ATTACHED AGE DECLEARATION,MY PERSONAL PROFILE AND SEE FOR YOURSELF ATTACHED IS MY PROFILES ,MY CLUB ID CARD COUPLED WITH MY AGE DECLEARATION ISSUED TO ME BY NIGERIA EMBASSY HERE IN COTE D'IVOIRE. SIR,CALL ME ON +22505663907 AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE TOGETHER WITH THE ATTACHEMENTS FOR MORE BETTER DISCUSSION ON WHEN YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER IN EUROPE FOR THE TRIAL,BECAUSE IF POSSIBLE,I WANT TO BE THERE BY NEXT SESSION. THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING YOUR ACTIVE PLAYER TO BE SOLOMON CHUKS DANIEL. NOTE:SIR,CONTINUE SENDING MAILS TO ME THROUGH THIS YAHOO MAIL. ATTACHMENTS 1a 1b 1c
PAUL JONES, TALENT SCOUT
To: firstname.lastname@example.org Hi Soloman Many thanks for getting back to me so quick. The idea is to gather 10 potential players from African countries to train at the Manchester United Academy. It will be a great PR exercise like i say and there will be a lot of good press from both the papers and the BBC television service. Even if you dont make the trial (weeks trial) then you will have an amazing time and will meet many stars of Manchester United whatever. I was going to ask about if you were a free player or not or if you were indeed under contract. Like i say it is a weeks trial then if you impress the manager enough you will enter out 6 week scholarship program at the Academy to be ran in the summer. Another important question is will you be able to attend the 6 week scholarship ? Well we'll come to that later, we'll cross one bridge at a time. You sound like you are very athletic being able to play those positions which is good as you will also take an endurance test. Dont worry this is very easy its just for statistics etc. I'm glad you put Manchester United as one of your favourite clubs !!!! The week trial lasts from 12th July to the 19th July. You must be free to travel to us during that period, if you are working please make sure you book holiday for that period. The other main question is how easy is it for you to get to Egypt ? We have hired a plane in Cairo to take the footballers who are all meeting up over to England. The trip from Cairo to England is free of charge to you BUT you must make your own way there. Once you board the plane you will be given a bag of Manchester United merchandise and we also then what you to wear the Manchester United jersey top when you get off the plane as there will be many camera crews there waiting to film. I'm sorry some of the details are brief but this request from Alec Ferguson is quite hectic because of all the hoopla over David Beckham moving to Real Madrid. I will try to call you but i am currently talking and emailing nearly 250 budding footballers from Africa hence i cant call everyone. I have picked you as we have none from the Ivory Coast. I will give you a good report as I have never seen anyone so keen as you. Let me know if you are able to board the flight (I will give you flight details nearer the time). Like i say dont worry about the cost of the journey to England, you will receive.... A free Manchester United merchandise bag A weeks training with some of the top coaches in the land Your photo in some of the national newspapers Your journey from Cairo to England will be paid for. Any further expenses can be claimed after the week so you will be able to claim back the flight from where you are based to Cairo. BUT you MUST keep your air ticket and receipts for this journey as proof. Then after the weeks training you will be given the money back as expenses. Any further questions please dont hesitate to ask but please be aware i am in contact with nearly 250 other footballers. I am away this weekend (Fri-Sun) on a coaching academy here in England but I will be able to answer your emails as soon as i return. I look forward to meeting you in person All the best
PAUL JONES, TALENT SCOUT
To: email@example.com Hi Soloman I am collecting player details so I can have a full list of players, weight, height, size etc so I can run through these before training camp start in July. Please answer the following questions so I can know more about you, get jerseys issued to you the correct size etc..... Name: Age: Weight: Height: Fat content percentage (Put N/A if you dont know) : Favourite shirt number: Any previous injuries in the last 3 years?: 100 metres time (roughly) in seconds: Suffer from Asthma?: Do you smoke ?: Do you drink ?: (Please be aware you will have to take a drugs test. This happens for every trainee in England but dont worry. Smoking pot is ok (Hey we all do it, even Beckham and Giggsy) but its basically a test to please the FA (Football Association) in England as its basically a test for cocaine. A bit of weed is ok so if you have smoken this before please tell me (As it does stay in your bloodstream for 3 months) but dont worry about this. Country of origin: Hometown: Emergency contact: Emergency number of a relative : (This is in case you suffer an injury whilst over in England playing) Now just a bit about you for our marketing: Favourite type of music: Favourite musical artist: Favourite TV show: Favourite European TV show: Favourite film: We will put your details onto our website (http://www.manutd.com) in a month or so with basic details about you if you partake in our youth academy Please let me know the following details so I can input them into our Trainee database and then pass out sheets to the manager and other assistant managers for when we choose our Africa youth team. Regards
DANNY THE FOOTBALLER
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: BE MY GOD FATHER DEAR PAUL JONES, THANKS FOR YOUR QUICK RESPONSE.I AM REALLY HAPPY FOR THIS GREAT PREVILLADGE.INFACT,I HAVE STARTED COUNTING MYSELF AS ONE OF THE BIG STARS IN THE WORLD LIKE PATRICK VIERRA,KANU,CARLOS,RONALDO AND THE REST. SIR,WOULD ALLOW ME TO INFORM OTHER OF MY TEAM MATES ABOUT THIS GREAT OPPURTUNITY?OR WOULD LIKE ME TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF ALONE? THE ISSUE OF MAKING MY WAY TO EGYPT SEEMS LITTEL DIFFICULT SINCE I AM NOT BEEN PAID BY MY PRESENT CLUB.I AM JUST LIVING BY THE HELP OF SOME OF FRIEND WHO WE PLAY TOGETHER. RESPECT MY WEIGHT AND HEIGHT,I AM ABOUT 70,HEIGHT FIVE FEET TALL,THAT IS 1.6M. PLEASE OPEN MY CLUB ID AND YOU WILL SEE MY COACH MOBILE PHONE NUMBER.HIS NAME IS COACH FEDERICK.JUST CALL HIM AND EQUIRE FROM HIM. SIR,YOUR QUESTION WHEITHER,I WILL ABLE TO ATTEND THE 6 WEEK SCHOLARSHIP,YES I ABLE,EVEN IF THE COURSE WILL LAST FOR SIX MONTHS,I AM READY.SIR,IF YOU CALL MY COACH TO ENQUIRE ABOUT ME,JUST GO STREIGHT TO THE POINT OF ASKING HIM MUCH ABOUT ME,SIR DON'T ALLOW HIM TO KNOW ABOUT THIS PROGRAME,BECAUSE I WANT TO PROOF A POINT TO HIM IN THE FUTURE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. SIR,IF THERE IS ANY POSSIBLE MEANS I WILL JOIN THE REST PLAYERS IN EGYPT,PLEASE TELL ME NOW BECAUSE COMING FROM POOR FAMILY HAVE HINDERED ME SO MUCH IN MY FOOTBALL CARRIER.JUST DO YOUR VERY BEST FOR ME SO THAT I WILL AMONG THE PLAYERS THAT WILL MAKE THE TEAM IN TRIAL WITH MANCHESTER UNITED.I PROMISE YOU SOME PERCENTAGE IN MY CONTRACT,IF POSSIBLE I WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE MY MANAGER. IF YOU WANT TO DO THIS IN TIMES OF TRAVELL TO EGYPT,YOU CAN SEND MY FLIGHT TICKET TO NIGERIA EMBASSY HERE IN COTE D'IVOIRE AND THEN ASK THEM TO CALL ME TO COME FOR THE CLAIMS.THIS IS JUST FOR YOU TO BE REST ASSURRED OF MY SINCERITY AND HONESTY.I AM DESPERATE ABOUT THIS.BE MY GOD FATHER AS GOD HAD STARTED USING YOU TO HELP LIFT THE IMAGE OF SOCCER. SIR,THIS IS MY TIME TO PROVE MYSELF TO THE WORLD OF SOCCER.TRY FOR ME PLEASE.I AM EXPECTING YOUR CALL TODAY YOURS PLAYER TO BE SINCERELY SOLOMON CHUKS DANIEL.
PAUL JONES, TALENT SCOUT
To: email@example.com Hi Soloman Many thanks for your quick email. Please however fill out the last questionnaire so i can put your details on our forms, website and show it to the other managers. Please please tell your fellow players, i dont blame you. If i was you i would do the same in your position, the excitement must be immense. However PLEASE do not under any circumstances give out my email address or contact details. I'm sorry but i will get 100's of people begging me for a trial and sadly thats one of the negatives about the job, that i have to turn down so many players. Hmmm the travel could be a problem. I'll look into it but basically Manchester United plc have chartered a flight from Egypt to England and you must be able to make that flight and take the flight with the other players we have invited to training camp. If you cant make this journey i might sadly have to look elsewhere. Please let me know as this is very important. What is your job then ? If your not getting paid by your club how do you make your money ? Have you got a part time job ?? Your weight seems very good, seems to be a lack of size, 5 foot tall ? We might have to play you in midfield as 5 foot will be too small for a defender but we'll see. Your still young arent you so you could grow more. While i'm away i'll take your coaches email address i saw on that card and i'll email him when i have time this weekend hopefully. As you can imagine responding to several hundred potential players is very difficult. I'm glad you will be able to attend the scholarship but like i say this is not 100% defiinate. You will be here for a weeks trial and if all goes well you will then be invited out. However whatever happens you'll have an amazing time. I will try your best for you about Egypt but please know that i obviously get about 200 potential players asking for money etc so its very difficult for me. I 'might' be able to pay some of your air fare to Egypt from your country. Let me think about it. I'm sorry i cant be your manager or agent, as i'm the Club Scout for Africa i cant show any favouritism towards any player but i can put you in contact with a good agent in England if you make the youth team. But again we shouldnt think too far ahead ! As i said to you the flight from Cote D'Ivoire to Egypt you will get the money back after the weeks training. However i will try to get you the money upfront in this particular case but it will be tough for me. I might need a 3% deposit to prove you are coming and the air fare wont be wasted. As Manchester United travel all over the world I should be able to get a very cheap deal for you to fly but you will have to pay 3% of the air fare (Probably only 20 pounds). The choice is yours, either get to Egypt and get the free flight or pay for your flight and claim the money back after the week of training. Or you can wire me 3% as a deposit so i can show the Club Treasurer you are serious about this and you are one of the lucky players we will be looking to bring over. Remember to PLEASE send back that questionaire, you will be one of the first to fill it in so i think its looking very good for you for coming over. I look forward to meeting you in England Regards
PAUL JONES, TALENT SCOUT
To: firstname.lastname@example.org Great news I've spoken to my boss and we can fly you from Nigeria to Egypt. It will be all arranged so dont worry about a deposit or anything like that. Sorry for any confusion or that earlier. Like i say all the players will be flying in from Egypt, i've spoken to my boss about the problems you have in getting there and it will be taken care of Hope your happy with the great news !! Please however pass back the questionaire filled in so i the website can be created next month for the English media etc Many thanks
DANNY THE FOOTBALLER
From: email@example.com Subject: I AM HAPPY FOR THIS GOODNEWS. DEAR SIR, PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT MY COACH THROUGH EMAIL,CONTACT HIM THROUGH TELEPHONE SO THAT HE WILL NOT HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AND STARTED DISTURBING YOU AND ALSO DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THIS GREAT THING THAT WANT TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE.JUST ASK HIM IF I AM A MEMBER OF HIS CLUB,I WANT TO PROVE A POINT TO HIM THAT IT IS GOD THAT DOES EVERYTHING NOT BY OUR STRENGHT BUT BY HIS GRACE.LIKE YOU SAID,I WILL NEVER LET ANYBODY HAVE YOUR CONTACTS TO AVOID PEOPLE DISTURBING YOU. PLEASE I AM HAPPY FOR THIS GREAT NEWS.BUT PLEASE SIR,CAN YOU SEND TO ME THE QUESTIONANAIRE PAPER FILL AND RETURNED BACK TO YOU. SIR,ONE MORE THING,I AM HERE IN ABIDJAN COTE D'IVOIRE,NOT IN NIGERIA.SO IF ANY FLIGHT TICKET FOR ME TO FLY TO EGYPT,IT WILL BE SEND HERE IN ABIDJAN,YOU CAN SEND IT THROUGH EGYPTIAN AIR WAYS HERE IN ABIDJAN OR THROUGH NIGERIAN EMBASSY HERE IN COTE D'IVOIRE AND THEN YOU WILL GIVE THEM MY FULL NAME AND TELEPHONE TO CONATACT ME TO COME OVER FOR IT. THANKS YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU FOR TRYING TO HELP ME. YOURS PLAYER TO BE SOLOMON CHUKS DANIEL.
DANNY THE FOOTBALLER
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: SEE MORE OF ME IN THE PHOTOS ATTACHED. DEAR SIR, I CAN NOT HOLD MY JOY.OPEN THE ATTACH GROUP TEAM PHOTOS.I AM THE ONE WITH THE FOOTBALL.THE ONE WE ARE ONLY FOUR ON THE ROLE,I AM THE FIRST FROM THE RIGHT LOOSING MY BOOT AFTER A FOOTBALL MATCH. SIR,PLEASE I AM STILL WAITING FOR THE QUESTIONNAIRE TO FILL PROPER AND SEND BACK TO YOU. YOURS PLAYER TO BE SOLOMON CHUKS DANIEL. attachments 2a, 2b, 2c
DANNY THE FOOTBALLER
From: email@example.com Subject: QUESTIONAIRES FILLED SIR. DEAR SIR, GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR. I HAVE JUST REMEMBER SOME OF THE QUESTIONAIRES WHICH YOU ASK ABOUT ME.THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS: HEIGHT:1.75M WEIGHT:70 KG SHIRT NUMBER:NO.4 IS ALWAYS MY CHOICE. 100 METERS:SO EASY FOR ME TO RUN IT IN SECONDS. I DON'T SMOKE AT ALL.I EVEN DROVE SOMEONE SMOKING BESIDES ME. I DRINK JUST ONE OR TWO BOTTELS OF GUINESS ONCE IN A WHILE. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LIKE ASTHMA IN MY BODY. COUNTRY OF ORGIN:NIGERIA TOWN:IHIALA IN ANAMBRA STATE. IN CASE I HAD ANY PROBLEM WHILE PLAYING IN ENGLAND,CONTACT/MR DAVID NDUBUISI TEL:002348033331158 FAVOURITE TYPE OF MUSIC:SENTIMENTAL BLUES AND ROOT ROCK REGGEA FAVOURITE MUSICAL ARTIST:R.KELLY,AND LATE BOB MARLEY. FAVOURITE TV SHOW:SPENCER SHOW. FAVOURITE FILM:EDDY MURPHY,COMING TO AMERICA SIR, ACCEPT MY APPOLOGY,ABOVE INFORMATIONS IS ABOUT ME. SIR,IN CASE YOU NEED MY INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT FOR MY VISA TO EGYPT,TELL ME TO SCAN IT AND SEND TO YOU IMMEDIATELY. THANKS AND LET CONTINUE TO GIVE WISDOM TO HELPME THE MORE. SINCERELY YOURS SOLOMON CHUKS DANIEL.
DANNY THE FOOTBALLER
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: BE MY GOD FATHER DEAR PAUL JONES, GOOD DAY SIR.DID YOU RECEIVED THE QUESTIONNAIRE WHICH YOU WANT ME TO FILL AND RETURN?I HAVE ALREADY FILLED IT AND RETURNED.PLEASE SIR,LET ME KNOW GOOD NEWS FROM YOU REGARDS MY COMING TO ENGLAND THROUGH CAIRO EGYPT AS YOU EARLIER PROPOSE FOR ME TO BE PART OF THE TEAM. THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOURS OBEDIENT PLAYER SOLOMON CHUKS DANIEL.
PAUL JONES, TALENT SCOUT
To: email@example.com Subject: Passport required Hi Solomon Many thanks for the questionaire. I will make sure the relevant details are put on the website and the other details are for our own personal records. I have come back from a coaching weekend and have over 200 emails to read through so this is just a quick email. Please pass on your a scan of your passport. This is very urgent as we need this for proof to book your flight. Obviously when you board the flight then you will need this passport with you as staff at the airport will have a copy of this so they can verify its you. In the past we have had some quite strange passports which have appeared to be fake, please make sure this is a legit passport as anything strange about it then they will not allow you on the flight or even if you get on the flight the security at England will send you right back if this isnt correct. Also we need your passport for our medical insurance. During your weeks trial (And indeed the 6 week trial if you get through) you will be covered for any major injury and you will receive compensation if you are injured and cant work Please scan this document to me immediatley. I've got a lot of emails to get through but once i receive your passport i'll send you details of the flight immediately Many thanks
DANNY THE FOOTBALLER
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: FIRST AND SECOND PAGE OF MY INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT ATTACHED. DEAR SIR, THANKS FOR YOUR GREAT EFFORT TO ASSIST ME IN THIS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY. BELOW THIS TEXT,YOU WILL SEE FIRST PAGE AND SECOND PAGE OF MY INTERNATIONAL PASSORT AS YOU REQUESTED IT FROM ME. SIR,KINDLY GIVE ME YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT I CAN EASILY CALL YOU ON PHONE ANY TIME OF THE DAY FOR VERBAL DISCUSSION IN THIS GREAT ADVENTURE. THANKS AND GOD BLESS YOU FOR HELPING ME YOURS OBEDIENT PLAYER SOLOMON CHUKS DANIEL. Attachments 3a, 3b
More to come?