IT DIDN'T JELL


Lonslo Tossov, feared ex-KGB operative, fetched up at the Foreign Office after the breakup of the Soviet Union.
He has since become a valued asset, figuring in many exploits on this web site.
When not wasting a scammer's time, Lonslo can often be found at Annie's Bar, nursing a flaming custard.

While he usually deals with Lads from Lagos, Lonslo sometimes feels homesick.
In this piece from the Foreign Office Archives, he takes on Kristina from Kovrov.

Agent Tossov last appeared in in HOW ARE THINGS IN MBALONGA.

Featuring
Kristina, nice Russian girl looking for love

versus

Lonslo Tossov - Foreign Office agent and bon vivant - currently undercover as a jell flange manufacturer
Todger Johnson - Lonslo's assistant


Kristina

Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2011
Subject: Kiss to you my new friend

Hi!
I'm Kristina
I got your e-mail adderss on dating site where I asked to find good man! I write you because I want to be your friend.
If you are interested in me, then write me.
I am writing to you from my private email, so please contact me any time.
I will be glad to answer you. I'm pleased to tell you about me and my life.
I send you my photo, I hope you like it, I'll send you more.
I'll be glad to see your pictures too!
Have a nice day!
Kristina

Lonslo

Date: June 14, 2011
To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com

Dear Kristina

Many thanks for the lovely note, and picture. I thought I would never get a reply! I am a retired doctor, looking for a change in life. I attach my picture. To be honest, my last few relationships have finished abruptly but I feel I am still able to provide what you so obviously deserve, you can be dead sure of that.

Lonslo Tossov

Kristina

Date: Thu, 16 Jun 2011
From: kristinaoles@yahoo.com
Subject: Hi

Hello. thanks that has answered me. how are you?
Internet new type of dialogue for me. For me it is not important, that the distance separates us.
We can communicate on email and learn each other, you agree?
Please, your photos have gone to me. Viewing of your photos will help me to know better you and your life.
I wish to tell about myself now. To me of 29 years, I was born on August, 16th, 1981. A sign on the zodiac the Lion.
I have a higher education. I live one in apartment. I the adult and independent girl.
I never was married. I could not find the man who would appreciate me in the city and respected, therefore I have decided to write to you and very much would like to know you more close. Now I have a feeling of loneliness.
I dream of a family, as well as any girl. With impatience I will wait for your answer...
With pleasure I send you the photos. Bye. Kristina.

Lonslo

Dear Kristina

Many thanks for making such a quick and honest reply and I am really glad you like my photo. To be honest, I lead quite a lonely and dull life here in Smegaroon, with little to do other than tend the flowers on my late wife's grave and think back over my late career, spent tending the ill and sick. I think it is fair to say that my actions as a doctor caught the eyes of the authorities more than once, but I was never given the appreciation due to my efforts. But hey ho, that part of my life is over. These days I am more likely to be found on my Segway, quietly pottering about the local shopping mall, or working on a project which remains very close to my heart: my newly patented flange jell. This product will address many of the ills of mankind, of this I am certain, but I seek now is an investor to start producing it in bulk, this in order to attract the drug companies. Working day and night in my wooden production annexe has produced a wonderful product, but on the cusp of success it seems I am thwarted and I find it all so depressing. So much so I must admit a fondness for stimulants of the alcoholic kind, but I am working on these issues and it will not stop me writing.

But enough of my problems. I was interested to hear about you. You seem a nice girl, probably not one who wants for male company, (or ever need flange jell, come to that). And 29 is such a young age. I was 29 once, a locum in Wankershire General. How long ago it seems now, those happy days.

Well thats all for now my dear; I have to run and attend to a new batch in my shed.

Write soon

Lonslo
Kristina

Date: Wed, 22 Jun 2011
Subject: hello Lonslo!

Hi Lonslo,
I like ours with you dialogue. Thanks that you find time for me. I feel your attention, and it is final pleasantly for me.
How there passes your day?
Lonslo, near to your house there is a beach? In my city there is a river, now summer and in the summer I very much like to visit a beach. I am assured, that in your country the beach is the favourite vacation spot, many tourists. As I wish to tell, that I live one in apartment, I do not have native brothers and sisters - only cousin, and my parents live in the private house, near to my city Kovrov. I often come to my parents.
Lonslo when I write you the letter, I would like to tell to you about all. It is a pity, that between us distance if we lived nearby could meet in cafe or in park and could talk to you infinitely. I hope, that sometime ours with you dreams will be carried out.
I wait your letter and your photos. Bye. Kristina.

Lonslo

Date: June 22, 2011
To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com

Dear Kristina

What a surprise to return from my endeavours and discover another lovely message from you! Thank you so much for yet more photographs. I must say you are a very pretty young lady. I attach another of myself and hope you like it. If you think that I look a little fraught in the latest shot, then that is probably the case. My flange jell manufacturing has taken its toll over the time I have been involved with my little experiments. Not just in the amount which finds itself attached to my beard or on my clothes after a hard hour or so stirring the vat either; I also feel tired and exhausted after each long day. So you can imagine what sort of relief and entertainment your charming messages are bringing me.

In regards to your questions no, I do not live close to a beach. Sometimes I miss this lack, having been the Mbalonga free style champion a couple of decades back. Indeed I still have the trunks somewhere in my wardrobe, probably packed away and mothballed by my late wife's zumba costume. I do occasionally take a trip to the Merkin Peninsula, to catch the sea breeze, but this is a couple of hours' drive and even this sort of excursion is rare, as I have to be careful in case the flange jell overcooks back at base. I cannot always rely upon the good graces of Todger to keep the Jell lubricating in my absence! Yes, we do indeed have a strong tourist trade in SA, but not so much in this particular part of the country. And to be honest the fumes from my production process (strongly reminiscent of burning rubber) would probably deter sight seers nearby. I have gotten used to it but imagine it might deter others from a casual visit.

I was delighted to hear about your living conditions. Please give my best wishes to your parents when you see them. I am sure that they think exactly as highly of you as I do. What hobbies do you have? A lovely face and figure like yours is bound to have an interest in fashion and clothes, I know. I am sure that you try things on everywhere.

I must go now, write against soon

warm affection

Lonslo
Kristina

Date: Fri, 17 Jun 2011
Subject: Good day Lonslo!

Good day Lonslo,
I waited today to see your letter. Unfortunately I do not have computer of the house and I could not look your letter at once, but now I on work and me am convenient to write letters from work to you.
Today in my city very warmly the sun also shines. I so am glad, that there has come summer, I very much love the summer period.
Lonslo, I think, that I should continue to tell to you about the life. I never was married. I do not have children, but I love children and children love me! I do not smoke, I drink wine only during a celebration.
I do not have a lot of free time because I work much. When I have a free time, I spend him variously. I live in Russia, in city Kovrov. My city to be in 250 kilometres from Moscow.
I have a higher education. I work as the bookkeeper in firm about furniture manufacture. I like work with documents. Every day I start to work at 10:00, and I finish at 18:00. On Sunday I have a rest and I meet girlfriends and we well spend together time.
As to English language... I learnt English language at university and now I study English language independently. I try to write to you the letter independently, but sometimes I use the translator. Our dialogue will allow me to improve knowledge of English language :-)
Lonslo, tell to me about your country. It is interesting to me to learn your life...
I should continue to work now. Thanks for your attention. I hope, that my letter was not boring for you. Kristina.

Lonslo

To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com
Date: Tue, 21 Jun 2011

Dear Kristina

How kind of you to reply so warmly. I must admit that I was a little concerned less my previous frankness had meant that you were put off further communication with me, but I felt it wise and right to be just as honest and forthcoming as you. It is hard, opening up to a stranger but already I feel a growing warmth between us. And don't worry about the delay in response. I, too have other things to attend to which keep me away from the computer. The days and nights tending the flange jell vat is a prime example; you can imagine the heat and perspiration which together go into every single sample batch created in the production annex there at the bottom of my garden - and yet each time I feel I am but a small step from perfection! Recently I have found the process rather exhausting. Indeed for a full day this weekend I did nothing but slump limply on the divan in my study, with wet towel over my face, drained by the whole experience of manufacture and so was obliged to ask my kind neighbour, Mr Todger Johnson, to help out. Fortunately Todger and flange jell seem to go naturally together and I understand he rather enjoyed the experience.

Now you ask about my country and I am not sure exactly what is best to tell. Have you ever been to South Africa, my dear? It is a young country, with many natural resources (albeit one without the jell which it so badly needs) Here is an environment very conducive to retirement, especially for a former professional man like myself with a body of work behind him. The sun shines bright, the grass grows tall and the proud gruffalo prowls the plains. I could spend my days easily with a couple of servants in this big old house and do nothing but watch the tuesday dung sweeping in the market. But no; I have found a commercial mission as you know, and this is what keeps me from approaching decrepitude during my twilight years. Away from this project of mine, here at Smegaroon the weather is nearly always good and although I live some way from any large population area I want for very little. So I play a little golf, or travel to Mbalonga to take in a show once a month or so. But mostly I am somewhat lonely as you can tell.

I was delighted to hear of your career. I have never been to Russia, although I once attended the Bladder Worldcon in Poland back in the early 90's which was a real experience. It was a lucky trip as it happened and served me well in my career, as once you're in there, you're in.

Anyway, dare I ask you to write again? I am enjoying this new friendship.

Warmest regards

Lonslo

IT APPEARS THAT MY RUGGED GOOD LOOKS AND CHARITABLE NATURE HAVE SECURED ANOTHER FEMALE HEART_ WE SHALL BE A PAIR OF LOVE BIRDS SHORTLY_I CAN ASSURE YOU OF THAT

Kristina

Date: Thu, 23 Jun 2011
Subject: hello my Lonslo.

Hello my Lonslo. how are you?
Now I have a free time, and I write you the letter.
Thanks for your photo, to me were pleasant to receive it from you today!
Lonslo how you have spent yesterday's evening? What plans at you for today's evening?
Yesterday I wished to go to cinema. I do not like to go to the cinema one. I have called my girlfriend at cinema, but she has refused. My girlfriend had many affairs yesterday. We have agreed, that we will go to cinema today. Now I do not know, what film we will look... I will write to you about it in the following letter.
You like to visit a cinema hall or to look house cinema? I have a collection dvd at home. However, I am pleasant like cinema on the big screen. I like melodramas, comedies, adventures. What genres of films like you? In music I do not have special preferences. My choice of music depends on my mood. I can listen rock, pop, transe. You like to dance? I well dance. In the childhood I visited school of dances. When I studied at institute, I was engaged in aerobics.
The darling Lonslo, you think of our relations, how about friendship? I wish to know it. I very trustful girl. My heart has been broken in the past! I do not want, that experience of unsuccessful relations has repeated for me.
I already do not have time to continue to write the letter to you.
Bye Bye. your friend from Russia - Kristina.

Lonslo

Date: June 23, 2011
To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com

Dear Kristina

I must admit receiving your messages is a pleasure that I am growing use to and enjoying. I almost wish my pleasure in knowing you could be shared with others so that they could see what sort of person you truly are. I am not normally one to open up so freely and to show my hopes, dreams and desires but with you it seems so easy. I hope that you do not take this confession the wrong way. It has been a while I have been quite so abashed.

I was interested to hear of your interest in films. I don't often get out to the cinema for, as I said it is some way to drive to the nearest multiplex as you might imagine. I think the last film I saw there was 'The Sting'. But that was years ago. Too often when I feel like seeing something I discover nothing showing but terrible movies of zombies, fat people breaking wind and young americans smooching. Not my sort of thing at all. What ever happened to good old entertainment? These days I get far more pleasure from staying at home alone with Todger Johnson. In answer to your questions about dance, I must admit I did enjoy the odd shimmy across the dance floor when I was still with my late wife Esmeralda. I cut quite a figure in those days, dare I say it so myself. But these days, since her passing, I have not had much chance. The pressures of flange jell manufacture, as you might gather, rather precludes a lot of socialising (and has been known to kill conversation somewhat if truth be told). I remember did once organise a sherry party for some of the natives which included preparations for a makeshift disco, but it was not a success. One or two were overcome by the fumes in the production annex and had to be sent home heaped on a cart.

Well that's all for now. I need to go and stir the latest batch, and the rubber apron which hangs on the back of my study door beckons.

Write soon dear Kristina

Lonslo x

Kristina

Date: Fri, 24 Jun 2011
Subject: Hi my friend Lonslo.

Hi my friend Lonslo,
Your letter has brought to me a smile. I thank you again for your photos and it is always pleasant to me to see your photos!
Lonslo, I would like to look now in your eyes and to guess your mood. You know what the sight can tell more than one million words? My eyes sparkle pleasure when I check mail and I see your letter. Thanks for happiness which you bring to me.
Last night I together with the girlfriend went to the cinema. We looked a remarkable cartoon film "Pirates of Caribbean sea: On strange coast" in leading roles Dzhonni Depp. I liked this film.
Lonslo, you the romanticist? You like to surprise the girl? I like romanticism... I like to observe of stars, I like to have supper at candles.
Also I like to dance dance under slow music... However, already very much for a long time I had no all it.
Excuse, but I already should go. I will wait for your letter.
Kisses... Bye. Kristina.

Todger Johnson

Enter Todger, a close associate of Lonslo.

Date: June 27, 2011
To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com

russian missy,

lonslo has asked to check his mail with some instructions in case you have been so kind as to send a new message, he cant come to his computer since this weekend after an accident in the flange jell shed. I think hes mentioned how hes been experimenting and a batch just plain went wrong i guess. Not much damage apart from the roof, but lonslo was hurt with splash back, even with his rubber apron and galoshes for protection. also we got jell on the cattle some had to scrub them down, me and natives. i had to take him to hospital wheres hes ok but cant use his arms to type or do much sorry. he said just to let you know all is fine and hopes your well and all. he said to send you another pic he had looked out for you so you wont be to disapointed like. he says hopes your well.

anyhows if you still want to write i aim to see him most days with fruit and stuff can pass on messages, ok.

Todger Johnson

PS i seen pirates of caribean it was pretty good.
PPS will print out your message and new pics your pretty nice if i may so will cheer him up

Kristina

The news of Lonslo's industrial accident doesn't seem to register on Kristina.

Date: Tue, 28 Jun 2011
Subject: my darling Lonslo!

darling Lonslo,
I have read your letter today. I think of you within day much.
Today, I have taken advantage of a case, and have asked the director about when I will have vacation this year? Last year my vacation was in the summer and I wish to have a rest again in the summer. The director has told, that cannot name exact dates of my vacation now, but promised that as soon as will plan dates of my vacation at once will inform me.
You will have vacation soon? Lonslo now I do not have plans for a forthcoming vacation. It will be good, if we can have a vacation during identical time! Today during the lunchtime I have visited cafe together with the colleague. We ate, and talked. The girlfriend has told to me, that has noticed change in me recently. I began before usual to come for work. I am a lot of time I spend behind the computer. Also my colleague has told, that recently I look very happy... I did not expect to hear about it.
When I read your letters I plunge into other World. I try to present, that we nearby and talk. Please, do not laugh over me... I trust you and consequently I tell to you about it.
I will finish the letter to you now. I wish you pleasant day! Remember that you have a friend in Russia. Bye Bye. Kristina.

Todger Johnson

Date: July 5, 2011
To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com

hello missy

this is todger again i have just been back from Mbalonga Hospital after managing a late visit to lonslo. He says that both flange jell and yourself have been very much at the forefront of his mind since the accident. he was a bit depressed though when i read this last letter out to him as you didnt even ask if he was feeling better and all. i know that the explosion in the production annexe has set him on his uppers a little and so kind word like that would go a long way if you understand me. when i fed him his grapes yesterday i could see he was a little down and thought he blinked sadly through his bandages.

i have to come here on a promise twice a week or so and keep the jell vats turning over and the hogs watered so will be pleased to take your messages to him then. i read about your vacation it sounds great. the last time off i had from the gruffalo skinning works was last year when i managed a few days by the sea with the wife.

anyhows LT sends his love and hopes you are well.

todger

pp Lonslo
Kristina

Kristina doesn't even seem to grasp that Todger has taken over the correspondence.

Date: Wed, 6 Jul 2011
Subject: my dear Lonslo!

dear Lonslo,
Thoughts on you bring to me good mood. When I cannot see your letters, I think of us with you, and I have a good mood. I have just read your letter... Lonslo, ours with you the friendship very much is pleasant to me. Earlier I to you had a feeling of curiosity, now I had a feeling of liking to you. Very much for a long time I did not feel, which is in my heart now. I have to you feelings... I am afraid to speak to you about it, but my feelings to you more than liking. I with huge impatience wait your letters. I go to bed and I think of us with you. Earlier I did not represent, that feelings I can arise at dialogue in e-mail. Now we are convinced of it. Lonslo, what you feel? I sincere with you, also say to you only that I feel. From the very beginning of our dialogue we have agreed about sincerity, and I trust you now. I have a sensation, that we are familiar with you throughout the whole life. I do not have any secrets from you. Always I try to answer your questions. Please, repeat the questions for me when I forget to answer your questions.
In letters it is difficult to speak about feelings. I wish to look in your eyes and to listen to you. The sight, can transfer much more words, you agree with me? Our meeting will help us to learn each other. Yes, I already seriously think of our meeting.
I have a passport which allows me to travel all over the world.
I very much appreciate ours with you dialogue. Lonslo, I am afraid to check up mail in any day and not to see your letter. Please, do not leave me without your letters.
Today I will leave work earlier. My mum promised, that will arrive to a city to visit shops in the afternoon. Probably, in the evening mum will come to me on a visit.
I wait your new letter. Kisses... Yours Kristina.

Todger Johnson

Date: July 7, 2011
To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com

dear missy

well here i am again. tending those pesky flange jell vats is becoming something of a habit. i saw lonslo yesterday and he seems on the mend, waving his bandaged hands about like nobody's business, although docs say there may be a need for some tissue reconstruction down the line. And he will never get the jell stains out of his trousers. anyhow, he sends his best wishes. it occurs to me, do you want the addess of the hospital and the ward? then you can send him a get well soon card or some chewing candy.

Todger

PS I like your pics. do you mind if i print one out and put it up in my room? i dont think mother will mind, she is always telling me i need to find a girlfriend after all.
Kristina

Date: Fri, 8 Jul 2011
Subject: Hi darling Lonslo!

Hi darling Lonslo,
How are you? Weather in my city today solar and my mood at height!
Thanks for the letter. I am grateful to the Internet that we have got acquainted with you.
My mum was at me on a visit. I have told to mum that I have a friend from other country. I have told that we have got acquainted on the Internet and already we communicate a lot of time.
Mum has approved ours with you dialogue though she has told, that I should be cautious.
In the last letter, I have told to you about the feelings to you. In letters it is difficult to speak about feelings.
I believe, that we will meet you in any day, and we can talk endlessly. Each word which I speak you, I speak is realised!
You think of our meeting seriously? I very much want, that ours with you a vacation was together.
I hope, that next days, the director will tell exact dates of my vacation that we could agree about a meeting.
Even, if you is occupied any part of day, I do not wish to refuse travel.
I promise, that I will be patient, and I will wait ours with you I will meet every day.
My full name: KRISTINA OLESHCHENKO. Please, tell to me your full name?
I very much would not like to finish the letter to you now... It seems To me, that I can write to you infinite letters.
However, I am compelled to work now.
Please, write me the letter faster... Sincerely, yours Kristina.

Todger Johnson

Date: July 14, 2011
To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com

hello missy

well, here i am again. the flange jell vats are back up to speed but it is not something that i would do full time like lonslo has been. no wonder he was getting a little cranky of late. the jell smells something real bad and if you get it on your pants or shirt its real hard to get off. but i said i would do while he was in hospital so here i am. the good news is that we have had a letter of interest from a company who sees the product as maybe viable. who knows maybe onetime soon you will be able to get flange jell where you are when you are out weekly shopping for vodka and cabbages.

i will print out your letter and make sure he gets it read to him by a nurse. lonslo was only asking after you the other day as he enjoyed his rice pudding down the eating tube he has now.

Do you have a special message i can give him? I know he will appreciate it. he's still a bit down. if you want to spend you vacation here and help feed him his special meals that would be cool, also he needs changing once a day and you could hold the sponge.

Todger Johnson
Kristina

Date: Fri, 15 Jul 2011
Subject: Hi dear Lonslo!

Hi dear Lonslo,
Thanks for your new letter. I miss on you...
By the way, I talked to the director about a forthcoming vacation. The director has told, that my vacation will begin soon.
Now it is necessary for me to finish some affairs, and I can be on a vacation. Lonslo, I now think of travelling to your country on a vacation. Now my desire has grown, because I had a friend.
During ours with you of dialogue we became good friends and I have a big desire to meet you. You wish to meet me?
I will be glad to spend all time with you. Time which we will spend together will help us to learn each other.
Certainly I understand, that you have a private life. I understand, that you should work or meet friends.
I do not wish to be a burden for you, and is ready to wait patiently ours with you I will meet every day.
Lonslo, I am assured, that when we will meet, ours with you feelings will be even stronger.
In your city there is an international airport? I could arrive to what airport for our meeting?
I said to you, that I have a passport which allows me to travel in the whole World. I think, that I will need to make out the visa to travel.
Next days I plan to visit travel agency in our city to learn more in detail about travel.
I promise, that I will inform you any news which at me will be.
I wait your letter. In the following letter I can inform you any information on my travel. Yours Kristina.

Todger Johnson

Date: July 19, 2011

hello missy

well its still me again. lonslo is a bit better, and more so now i have printed out all your lovely pics and stuck them around his recovery cubicle, just over where the food drip supply is. he sends his big thanks. i will read your new letter to him with all the care and sympathy your individually crafted messages of affection deserve.

you didn't say anything about visiting him in hospital, have you thought about it at all? I know a bed bath would cheer him up immensely.

if you do come down then i can probably get you a lift out to see him on the slaughter house goat cart, plenty of room there if you care to shift over some of the carcases.

anyway i can't write much today the flange jell needs a good stirring.

TODGER
Kristina

It really isn't sinking in. Or maybe it's too painful to acknowledge.

Date: Wed, 20 Jul 2011

Dear Lonslo. Please send to me your full name? Your home address? The airport name?
I will wait for your letter with the information. Thanks.
Yours Kristina.

Todger Johnson

Date: July 21, 2011
To: kristinaoles@yahoo.com

Hello missy

sad news indeed today i bring. i was rung by the hospital last night as our friend lonslo was taken sick some in the night. I had to drive over to the place in my pyjamas as i felt the worst. lonslo was in his oxygen tent and not looking his best and coughing a load. i guess the inhalation of flange jell fumes had preyed on his lungs or whatever as behind the bandages he looked pretty bad as far as i can see. even when i held up one of your lovely pics so that he might see he was not helped any as usually he is, just shaking all over, and i am sure i saw a tear or two roll down and over his moustache.

anyhow, i was there a couple of hours i gess, reading the reader's wives letter page out to him from the smegaroon journal when he did a mighty strange thing, sort of choked a little and kicked his feet out some, making me call the nurse. she came a running quick too but it was too late, he had gone. i guess i am still choked up but wanted you to know soon as i could. it was a lonely drive back through the gruffalo herds, I can tell you.

If you want to still come over and pay last respects then i guess i could pick you up from augusto severo airport which is closest. lonslo would like that.

TODGER

419 Quimsin Mews
59148-902 Parnamirim,
RN, Brazil
Tel: +55 (0)84 xxx-xxxx

ps before he died he wanted to know if you would like his Jell formula if anything happened to him. let me know.

Kristina was apparently too disappointed to respond.

 

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