The periodic table has really expanded since we were in school... This comes from the creator of "Donna Jean", last seen in Trouble Ahead, Trouble Behind:
From "Donna Jean": I really should get another hobby, but this is too fun. After the seriousness and craftsmanship I put into the Donna Jean/Madinga transaction, I started this one for some fun. Hope you like it. It's still working [...] but I'm not sure how much longer he's going to stay on the hook.
Mrs Sese Seko
[Scamo Note: you can see bits of similar letters here]
FROM:MRS. M SESE-SEKO DEAR FRIEND, I AM MRS. SESE-SEKO WIDOW OF LATE PRESIDENT MOBUTU SESE-SEKO OF ZAIRE? NOW KNOWN AS DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC). I AM MOVED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER, THIS WAS IN CONFIDENCE CONSIDERING MY PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCE AND SITUATION. I ESCAPED ALONG WITH MY HUSBAND AND TWO OF OUR SONS KONGOLO AND NZANGA OUT OF DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC) TO ABIDJAN, COTE D'IVOIRE WHERE MY FAMILY AND I SETTLED, WHILE WE LATER MOVED TO SETTLED IN MORROCO WHERE MY HUSBAND LATER DIED OF CANCER DISEASE. HOWEVER DUE TO THIS SITUATION WE DECIDED TO CHANGED MOST OF MY HUSBAND'S BILLIONS OF DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN SWISS BANK AND OTHER COUNTRIES INTO OTHER FORMS OF MONEY CODED FOR SAFE PURPOSE BECAUSE THE NEW HEAD OF STATE OF (DR) MR LAURENT KABILA HAS MADE ARRANGEMENT WITH THE SWISS GOVERNMENT AND OTHER EUROPEAN COUNTRIES TO FREEZE ALL MY LATE HUSBAND'S TREASURES DEPOSITED IN SOME EUROPEAN COUNTRIES. HENCE MY CHILDREN AND I DECIDED LAYING LOW IN AFRICA TO STUDY THE SITUATION TILL WHEN THINGS GETS BETTER, LIKE NOW THAT PRESIDENT KABILA IS DEAD AND THE SON TAKING OVER (JOSEPH KABILA). ONE OF MY LATE HUSBAND'S CHATEAUX IN SOUTHERN FRANCE WAS CONFISCATED BY THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT, AND AS SUCH I HAD TO CHANGE MY IDENTITY SO THAT MY INVESTMENT WILL NOT BE TRACED AND CONFISCATED. I HAVE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF EIHGTEEN MLLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS(US$18,000,000,00.) WITH A SECURITY COMPANY , FOR SAFEKEEPING. THE FUNDS ARE SECURITY CODED TO PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING THE CONTENT. WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO INDICATE YOUR INTEREST THAT YOU WILL ASSIST US BY RECEIVING THE MONEY ON OUR BEHALF.ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MESSAGE, SO THAT I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SON (KONGOLO) WHO HAS THE OUT MODALITIES FOR THE CLAIM OF THE SAID FUNDS. I WANT YOU TO ASSIST IN INVESTING THIS MONEY, BUT I WILL NOT WANT MY IDENTITY REVEALED. I WILL ALSO WANT TO BUY PROPERTIES AND STOCK IN MULTI-NATIONAL COMPANIES AND TO ENGAGE IN OTHER SAFE AND NON-SPECULATIVE INVESTMENTS. MAY I AT THIS POINT EMPHASISE THE HIGH LEVEL OF CONFIDENTIALITY, WHICH THIS BUSINESS DEMANDS, AND HOPE YOU WILL NOT BETRAY THE TRUST AND CONFIDENCE, WHICH I REPOSE IN YOU. IN CONCLUSION, IF YOU WANT TO ASSIST US , MY SON SHALL PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE OF THE BUSINESS, TELL YOU WHERE THE FUNDS ARE CURRENTLY BEING MAINTAINED AND ALSO DISCUSS OTHER MODALITIES INCLUDING REMUNERATION FOR YOUR SERVICES. FOR THIS REASON KINDLY FURNISH US YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION, THAT IS YOUR PERSONAL TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR CONFIDENTIAL PURPOSE AND ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL USING THE ABOVE EMAIL ADDRESS. BEST REGARDS, MRS M. SESE SEKO
From: "Robert Weir" Subject: Response to your recent e-mail To: firstname.lastname@example.org Mrs. Seko-Seko: I apologize for my untimely response, but I have been away for the holidays. I am most interested in assisting you with your situation. How may I be of service? My direct voice/fax number is (305) 946-0775. Robert Weir Mansfield Investments, LLC Marathon, Florida
Baldwin Seseseko[ScamO note: The female to male handoff occurs. A standard Lad technique. See the cultural note.]
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2003 23:55:59 -0800 (PST) From: Baldwin Seseseko [email@example.com] Subject: Thank you/details To: Dear Robert Weir, I received your email which was a response to my mother's mail and I wish to thank you immensely for your kind interest to co-operate with my family on this transaction and your willingness and support to assist us in this transaction. Please, find hereunder the details of the transaction for better understanding. Actually this transaction is real, and one hundred percent risk freeand does not relate to any breach of law or proceed from drugs. It isa matter of necessity to contact you for this transaction withoutfurther investigation about your person, as I viw you to be a moreresponsible personality. It is therefore necessary that you tell me alittle about yourself. I hope you would not betray me. As for Trust, it is a given thing that trust is earned, it is not given out lightly; however, because I need a foreigner in this transaction, I must give you my trust; it is worth 20% of this money. I believe that this will keep you from refusing to give my family it's own share of the money if the transaction is completed. All you need to do is just is your cooperation to agree to travel to amsterdam,the netherland to secure this funds from the Security company where it is been kept for safe custody in amsterdam in a very proper and legal manner. I request your assistance as a foreig! ner to provide me with this help. On completion of this transaction, you will be required to hold this fund in your account until I come over to your country for the sharing of the money. Before we can commence, I would like you to make available to me your private telephone and fax number,and also a proof of your identification which would serve as a guarantee that the fuunds will be safe in your custody. Also you will need to send me a letter declearing Confidentiality & Non Disclosure of our dealings, thereafter I can ask my attorney to commence documentation passing beneficiary of the funds to you Please confirm your willingness by providing all the requested information above. All modalities for the successful completion of this transaction have been mapped out provided that you maintain absolute confidentiality and keep to my instructions, I shall give to you from time to time for a successful completion. Once I clarify your willingness to proceed with the transaction, then I shall ask my attorney to send you all the documents that will enable your secure the funds. Please, feel free to contact me on this phone number 23-48033260343 for more detail discussion. Yours sincerely Baldwin kongolo sese-seko Please see below a specimen copy of the Confidentiality & Non Disclosure letter, which my attorney drafted, you can use this as a guideline. Mrs. Mariam Sese Seko Re: Confidentiality & Non Disclosure letter $ Baldwin Kongolo Sese-seko Dear Mrs. M. Sese Seko I, ...........of...... warrantee and affirm, not to disclose, reveal or expose to any person or entity any trade secret, transaction, data, or any confidential information of or pertaining to the Sese Seko family, or its financial matters disclosed in the course of conducting affairs in behalf of the Sese Seko family. Such affirmation is stipulated with certain provisions........ may disclose information provided; a. such confidential information becomes public due expressly and solely by a disclosure from a third party to this understanding (not.........) b. when "Seko" has given express written consent to allow disclosure of express and limited information to a specific third party nominated either by "Seko" or "........", c. when such information is required to be disclosed by applicable laws of the .........; d. when conversing with the attorney to be designated to the Sese Seko family in writing. This declaration is governed and construed in accordance with the Laws of the .......... and where applicable the State of .............. This declaration does not require any action or commitment by either the Sese Seko family or.......... Its construction and declaration is restricted to frame express and specifically the confidentiality and non disclosure of the fore referenced sensitive information. Within this construct I look forward to our relationship. Executed this.... day,..... , 2002 Signature, _____________________________________________
From: "Robert Weir" Subject: Re: Thank you/details To: "Baldwin Seseseko" [firstname.lastname@example.org] Thank you for your prompt reply. I previously sent you my private phone/fax, and I received your phone message. I trust my company letterhead with the authorization will be sufficient to meet the needs you have outlined. I have attached the letter as you requested, and I await your further instructions. So that you may know a bit more about me and conduct your due diligence in this transaction, I am an investment advisor, though mostly retired, for I was fortunate enough, at a very early age, to make a wise investment in the rare commodities unobtanium and dilithium, which paid off rather handsomely, to the tune of several million dollars. I now live part of the year in Florida, and part of the year at my ski chalet in Aspen, Colorado, and I manage my rather substantial portfolio as my primary daily activity. I still perform some outside investment advisory work, but only on those financial transactions that I feel to be of great merit. Yours qualifies as one such transaction in my opinion. I am prepared to travel to Amsterdam at a moment's notice. I have a private jet which I can call at my readiness should I need to travel. Please forward any necessary documents via e-mail or fax as soon as possible. Time is always of the essence in financial transactions, and I sense your need to move quickly on this matter. I look forward to working with you. Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-I sent him a virus. Unobtainium is unobtainable. It doesn't exist. Dilithium crystals, do, though-on Star Trek]
From: Baldwin Seseseko [email@example.com] Subject: LETTER OF GUARANTEE [RE_SEND] To: Dear Robert, Thanks for your mail, I appreciate your sincerity in which you are showing regarding this transaction, I received the scanned letter but I cannot open the attachement, please re-send it urgently to me via through [JPEG FORMAT], I would also need your international passport for IDENTIFICATION, send me more contact details numbers where I can always reach you because I do not like the Idea of leaving a message in the voice machine, I will prefer your cell phone to be precise, I have called you twice today but could not reach you directly, Please do give me a call on this number 23-48033260343 so that we can discuss more details, I am very anxious to speak with you. Expecting to hear from soonest, Regards, Baldwin.
From: "Robert Weir" Subject: Re: LETTER OF GUARANTEE [RE_SEND] To: "Baldwin Seseseko" [firstname.lastname@example.org] Mr. Seseseko, I have been trying the telephone number you provided all morning, and now into the afternoon. It gives me a message stating that it has been disconnected. This causes me concern in that I have shown good faith in providing you a working telephone and fax number, which you have used to contact me. This is my only phone number, so if you get the message machine, it is because I am unavailable. I would appreciate your giving me a telephone number that functions so we may speak together. Barring that, I do not see any particular need for voice-to-voice contact, as much of my business is done with persons I've neither met nor spoken to. This is the wonder of the electronic age in which we live. As such, I have re-scanned the guaranty letter, and it should be attached in the format you requested. As to the passport, it is in a safe-deposit box at my bank in Miami, and I do not have access to it at the moment. I typically leave Marathon Key only once per month to do my banking, and I just went to the bank four days ago. In any case, I would be somewhat hesitant to send you a photocopy of my passport in this day of terrorist plots against Americans. I would not want my passport duplicated for ill use abroad. I am sure you can understand my hesitance in this regard. In the alternative, I have attempted to scan in my driver's license, which should be sufficient for your purposes to verify my identity. In any event, your message appeared to carry with it some urgency, and I am puzzled as to why you insist on delaying the progress of our arrangement. Believe me, with the amount of money I have, and my investment background, I have literally hundreds of investment opportunities presented to me each week, and those that go quickly with a minimum of difficulty gain my uppermost attention. Your situation is falling by the wayside because you appear to be insisting on matters that I do not believe are necessary to complete the investment. Please forward whatever documentation is necessary to complete this arrangement so I may contact my pilot to ready the jet to travel to Amsterdam. Every day I keep him on standby waiting to fly costs me money, and I am not willing to wait much longer for you to send me the necessary information. You may send via fax or e-mail, which ever is most convenient to you. I await your favorable response. Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-I figured I had to send something, so I made this letterhead up. I couldn't keep sending him viruses.]
Thu, 23 Jan 2003 15:15:16 -0800 (PST) From: "Baldwin Seseseko" [email@example.com] Subject: Scann letter ok To: "Robert Weir" Dear Robert, Thanks very much for your kind gestures, I have seen the type of sincere person you are, infact people like you are hard to find in this modern world, my mother would be one of the happiest person the day the you confirm the claims to us. I have receive your letter of guarantee and I have forwarded it to my family attorney to commence the drafting of power of attorney and agreement to enable the change of beneficiary from my mother's name to yours, the document are ready. very sorry for the difficulty of getting me on phone, I guess it was due to congestion, please do not be discourage about that you can always try any time you intend to speak with me. I will give you a call later tomorrow, do let me know the ideal time to get you on phone, n ow you are like a brother to me. I will be expecting to hear from you soonest. Regards, Baldwin.
[Ed. Note-Okay, time for ol' Bobby to start losing his mind. He kept it together pretty good for the initial contact, but once his meds start wearing off]
Thu, 23 Jan 2003 15:43:41 -0800 (PST) From: "Robert Weir" Subject: Re: Scann letter ok To: "Baldwin Seseseko" [firstname.lastname@example.org] Baldwin, I am glad to see we are still "on" as far as this investment is concerned. Time is money, I always say, and the more time wasted, the more money wasted. I don't like being wasted. Every day we delay in obtaining the funds of which you speak is a day's lost interest in a bank. I never lose interest in a bank. I'm always interested. At a very conservative rate of interest on the $10M you referenced, you are losing more than $500 each day you delay! There is no time to lose! Tick, tock, tick, tock. Please fax me the documents soonest so I may get to Amsterdam. I am typically on the phone executing stock orders for myself and my clients from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Eastern time, so any time after the market closes in New York is a good time to call. I do follow the Tokyo and Hong Kong markets as well, so I am frequently up very late at night. I cannot guarantee I will be able to receive your call, because I am on the telephone almost constantly from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. And I rarely sleep more than four hours per night. So much for retirement! I counted one day, and I made 247 phone calls during the day, and I took an hour off for lunch with a friend! Weekends are for golf and polo, so you won't find me around on the weekends. Please keep trying, though. As I said, I do not think it crucial that we speak in person, but I do like hearing the voices of the people with whom I do business once in a while. I like hearing voices. Must run. Phone ringing off the hook. Regards, Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-Here's where Bobby starts subtly calling him nasty names.
From: "Robert Weir" Subject: Re: Scann letter ok To: "Baldwin Seseseko" [email@example.com] Baldwin, I wrote you yesterday, and still I hear nothing from you about the documents. You did leave a message, but I didn't understand it. Was it in English, because the only other language I speak is money. When I called you back, your phone was still disconnected. We are disconnected. Return to sender, address unknown, if you know what I mean. Money is being lost through delay. I don't like being lost. Lost in space, you know. Some people call me the space cowboy, but... Tick, tock, tick, tock. The clock is running. Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the future. There is no time to waste. Send me the documents. I have already lost $500 for having my pilot on standby yesterday, hoping you would send the documents. I will lose another $500 if you don't get them to me today. You will lose $500 in interest, too. I'm a loser, you're a loser. We're both losers. I'm getting impatient, and I can't wait. As I said, I'm not a patient man. I'm not a medical doctor. I have no patients. Send me the documents now, or we cannot continue. The way we were. Robert Weir
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 2003 19:02:21 -0800 (PST) From: Baldwin Seseseko [firstname.lastname@example.org] Subject: documents To: Robert Weir Dear Roberts, I received your mail, and good enough you are more time concious but I must let you know that the document has not being ready the attorney has to perfect his drafting before sending them across to you. I have also asked the attorney to find out what is left to done I was made to understand that there will be demurage to pay because the consignment has over stayed in the security vault, but I do not know the exalt cost yet but I hope to let you know before your trip to Amsterdam next week. Please get across to me by phone if you wish to discuss more, I must confess I am going through some tough financial problem and my mother is ageing let everything for me to handle. I need your back up for completion of this transaction, Regards, Baldwin.
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 2003 06:18:10 -0800 (PST) From: Baldwin Seseseko [email@example.com] Subject: documents to be sent Tomorrow To: Robert Weir Dear Robert, [my Brother] I am in receipt of your mail, Thanks for you care so far, by tomorrow [monday ] the document will be ready and send to you via mail, I will also ask the family attorney find out the exalt amount that will pay to the security company as oustanding demurage, also the contact details of the security company will be sent to you to book an appointment with them and let them know when you are coming to pick up the consignment. Please get intouch with security company for negotiation as soon as you receive the contact details, I will appreciate I hear from you immediately you are prepared to leave for amsterdam My telephone is perfectly in order so you can reach me at all time. I guest you are having a wonderful weeken, expecting to hear from you, Regards, Yours brother, Baldwin.
From: "Robert Weir" Subject: Re: documents To: "Baldwin Seseseko" [firstname.lastname@example.org] Baldwin, Please feel free to call me Bob. All my friends call me Bob and you are my friend. I am Bob to you. Bob and Baldwin, brothers. I like that. All is well. I've told my pilot to sit tight. Therefore, he will be tight in the seat, awaiting my instructions. I hope you are a mother gets better. Sickness is rampant, but wellness may come in time. The attorney--he is paid by the hour? Sounds like he is screwing me. Screw you, too. Attorneys. First thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers--that's William Shakespeare, you know. I have disdain for lawyers. Great Dane for lawyers. Hamlet, Shakespeare's king was a Dane, did you know that? Can we pay him to work faster? Get a faster typist? The $500 per day we are losing in interest on our money would buy a better lawyer. Perry Mason, probably. 700 monkeys typing on 700 typewriters could produce the document faster than this lawyer. Are you sure he is a good lawyer? Did he pass the bar? Does he go to bars? Should he be behind bars? I don't trust him like I trust you. What is his name? I'll call him myself and tell him to speed it up. Wait, I'll call him by HIS name, not myself, if you give me his name. Phone number would be good, too. Demurage is no problem. Whatever the exalt cost is, I'll pay cash. I keep about $300,000 in cash in my safe here at home. Do you think that will be enough? If not, let me know, and I'll get more. Getting it out of the country is not a problem. I'll fly through the Cayman Islands and get more from my bank there if I have to. Cayman Islands. You should go there. When we are done, you will come with me to my beach house in the Caymans? You will be rich, like I am now, and you will enjoy the Caymans. Unless you hate horseflies. There are lots of horseflies there. Probably because of all this horseshit. No matter, though. Nice beaches. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Must be going. Market opening in Hong Kong and Tokyo soon. I REALLY must lay off the coffee, though. I'm getting jittery. Fondest regards, Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-Oh, boy, Bobby's mind is blown now. Barely above random word generation now.
From: Baldwin Seseseko [email@example.com] Subject: Documents [Attached] To: Robert Weir Dear Robert[Brother Bob], I guess you must have received my last mail, here is the power of attorney and the agreement you will have to sign and send back to me as soon as received, please check the attached documents, for your observation, the security company also has a copy of the power of attorney and they have effected the change of beneficiary from my mother's name to yours, I will get back you immediately I received information from my attorney concerning the demurage fees expecting to hear from you soonest, regards, Baldwin
[Ed. Note-FINALLY-got the prize! Odds, bodkins! The security company,
From: Robert Weir Subject: Re: Documents [Attached] To: Baldwin Seseseko [firstname.lastname@example.org] Brother Baldwin, sorry for short response--market very crazy today. Talk of war makes market like battlefield. Got documents--signed agreement and is attached. Double click and we're away! Sorry no response over weekend. My polo pony broke a leg in a match. Had to shoot it right there on the field. Wouldn't lay still, you know. There's $100,000 down the crapper. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Hope the document is enough to get this ball rolling. Like a rolling stone. Gather no moss. Kate Moss, if I could! My pilot is still tight in the seat, waiting. Your phone still does not work--I called 47 times this morning--new record for phone calls in a day, today, I think--I'm getting suspicious that the phone company is trying to screw you. Just like your lawyer. He took all that time to draft three pages? How much did you pay him? Confusion, though. You said you were living in the Ivory Coast. Lawyer is in Swaziland. What the hell is a Swaziland? Did he just make that up? That's not a real place, is it? You're just yanking my wanker. I tried to e-mail him and tell him he was yanking my wanker, too, and there is no "lattimore.org"--it's a fake e-mail address. What's going on? Are you a Yankee wanker yanker? Tick, tock, tick, tock. Wasted too much time already. Remember, I hate being wasted. Write back and let me know everything is smooth as newly poured concrete. My pilot hates being tight in the seat. So do I. Do you? I hope you are a mother is getting better. Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-I sent him another virus. How many do you suppose he'll click on
From: Baldwin Seseseko [email@example.com] Subject: Documents [Attached] To: Robert Weir Dear Robert, Thanks for your mail, my phone is ok except there was exchange problem, here I will like you to contact my attorney via phone and feel free to speak with regarding this transacrion, here are his phone and fax numbers My family lawyer stay in swaziland and he has being working over the decade so there is nothing wrong with that, we are going to pay him untill the funds are out. PHONE: 873762921793 FAX : 873762921791 Name: LATTIMORE UDOGA. [PRINCIPAL], EMAIL:firstname.lastname@example.org Call me and discuss, with him and please up me with the outcome of your discussion.
[Ed. Note-Let's sic the lawyer a bit-I carboned this next one to Baldwin
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2003 22:06:27 -0800 (PST) From: Robert Weir Subject: Re: Please contact To: email@example.com Cc: Baldwin Seseseko [firstname.lastname@example.org] Okay, Mr. Swaziland lawyer--why are you screwing my brother Baldwin? How much did you charge him for the documents you drafted? The phone number you gave my brother goes to some satellite phone near India. You know how I know? When I call, I hear a boat whistle in the background and people speaking Hindi! This e-mail address--it's fake, too. I'll bet you never even read this, you judicial miscreant! Baldwin may trust you, but I think you are trying to steal Baldwin's money for yourself. Those hokey-fokey documents look like you are the one getting the money, not Baldwin--why you do this? Whoa, take the money and run! Hoo, hoo, hoo. Go on take the money and run. Well, I'll sick my uncle, Billy Mack, who's a detective down in Texas, on you, if you steal Baldwin's dough. You know I know just exactly what the facts is. You ain't gonna escape justice. What's the monkey business with scamming my brother Baldwin and his poor mother who is widowed. Lawyers--you make me sick to my stomach. I'm throwing up now thinking about you. Good thing this is e-mail, or you would smell the vomit. Vomitus maximus. You make Baldwin keep sending you money until the funds are out? What then? Will you demand money from me to make more hokey-fokey documents. These people trusted you. Now look what you do with that trust. You must prove to me you are not scamming my brother Baldwin. Refund his money for the documents and send me a 5 emalangeni note (the one with the dancing guys on it) for your penance, and I will know you are not yanking Baldwin's wanker. He is a good man and he deserves better lawyers. I, as his brother, am sworn to protect him against all enemas, foreign and domestic, and you are pretty far up the tailpipe, my legal eagle beagle. Baldwin--I've copied this to you to let you know you are being screwed. Don't pay this guy any more money. Make him pay you back. Remember, I don't like being wasted, and neither should you--you waste your money with this lawyer. Kill all the lawyers, that's what Bill Shakespeare said. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-I thought I'd try getting some money out of the lawyer, just for fun.
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2003 01:51:10 -0800 (PST) From: Baldwin Seseseko [email@example.com] Subject: you talk too much To: Robert Weir I never Knew you are a big clawn, I am not a joker if you are, Do you think you can sit there and waste my time you are just there critizing my transaction, please leave me to find a solution to my problem.
[Ed. Note-Oh, damn. Lost the fish. Well, I figured it was too good to last
Robert WeirDate: Tue, 28 Jan 2003 05:46:27 -0800 (PST) From: Robert Weir Subject: Re: you talk too much To: Baldwin Seseseko [firstname.lastname@example.org] Brother Baldwin I am sorry you doubt my intentions. I was just making sure your lawyer was not screwing you. I sent the e-mail to him, and this is what I got back: This message was created automatically by mail delivery software (Exim). A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address(es) failed: email@example.com Child process of cyrus_deliver transport returned 65 (could mean error in input data) from command: /usr/cyrus/bin/deliver The following text was generated during the delivery attempt: ------ firstname.lastname@example.org ------ email@example.com: Mailbox does not exist SO, MY BROTHER, I think your lawyer is screwing you. Like I figured--lawyers always screwing people. I am trying to HELP you. You are my brother, right? I protect you like a brother. Well I'd lay my head on the railroad tracks, and wait for the Double E for my brother. But the train don't come by here no more, poor poor pitiful me. I don't want you to be poor, poor pitiful, either. Since we are brothers, I would not hurt you are a mother, either. She's been through far too much for shenanigans like that. I don't try to be a clawn, it just comes across that way. Sharp-edged business language, I guess. Get to the point, I always say--don't go beating up bushes--tell people what you think. I don't criticize your transaction--I criticize lawyers! Bad lawyers, no donuts. Phony e-mail, phony phone--I think phony lawyer. And he took money from you! He should be disbarred, or rebarred, or whatever Swaziland does to phony lawyers. I signed your document, my pilot is waiting, tight in the seat, and I'm ready to go to Amsterdam. I'm sorry I offended you, but please let us still be brothers so you can get you are a mother's money. Please write back so I know you are still wishing for me to be your brother. Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-Lyrics are from an old Linda Ronstadt song. More "you are a mother", too.
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2003 13:17:37 -0800 (PST) From: Baldwin Seseseko [firstname.lastname@example.org] Subject: PROBLEM [HELP] To: Robert Weir Dear Robert, I am very sorry that you will have to assist us financially, but I promise you that your effort will be rewarded emmensly. Regarding our telephone conversation and my mail of today, my attorney called Uniglobe NV to enquire when will the deposit certificate ready and he was informed that it will be ready later today and he was further informed when the beneficiary that is your humbleself is coming to Amsterdam you should come with copies of THE POWER OF ATTORNEY, YOUR INDENTIFICATION AND $19,300 FOR THE DEMURRAGE/CLEARANCE FEE OF THE CONSIGNMENT. Please, you shouldn't be offended by this request as it was never our intension to ask you any financial assistance. I went an extral mile to even nogotiate with them if they can allow you to secure the consignment before payment of the $19,300 , but I was categorically told that it is not possible, due to the fact that the consignment is bond by one invoice, therefore, cannot broken domicile, also that the Consignment is covered by an insurance policy (international guarantee bond), suffix to say that it is only you the beneficiary that can tamper with the consignment or rather terminate the insurance policy, after you have signed for collection. This problem is disconforting,as it is now, you are the only person that we can trust and have faith in, so I plead with you to take it upon yourself and do everything within your power so that we get this deal over with. As am here presently as a refugee, I earns $150 for his weekly allowance, which do is not even enough to feed his family. However, I will advice that you contact Uniglobe NV and see if you will be able to strike a bargain with them regarding the fee of $19,300 as the beneficiary. See contact information below; Mr Yan Van den Berg (Managing Director) Mr. Alfred Koopman Uniglobe NV www.uniglobe-inc.com Schiphol Cargo Center 114 Postbus 1005 DA Amsterdam, The Netherlands Tel:31-205241314 Tel:31-627467721 Fax:31-205241476 E-mail:email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com E-mail:firstname.lastname@example.org email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org op! email@example.com Please, help my children. Remain bless, Baldwin Note: please do disregard my attorney he has been too sincere and helpful, you are mistaking him for something else which I do not like.
[Ed. Note-FINALLY, we have advance fee fraud, captain. I was wondering
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2003 21:23:15 -0800 (PST) From: Robert Weir Subject: Re: PROBLEM [HELP] To: Baldwin Seseseko [firstname.lastname@example.org] My brother Baldwin, WAIT JUST A MINUTE--what phone call? We didn't talk today. Never have talked--remember your phone is broken? I tried all those times that day. I think someone intercepted our e-mails, and they are posing as me. There is only one me. Not another. WHO did you talk to? I thought this deal was hush-hush to keep the authorities quiet. Maintain an air of quiet authority. Running out of air. No mind. I'm disregarding your attorney as you asked. This is a good thing, since I hold him in such high disregard. Screwy lawyer. You are sure that power of attorney you sent is good? I don't trust that lawyer--HEY! Maybe it's him you spoke with, posing as me. That would be ironic--screwy lawyer posing as American investor. Maybe he can fool some people, but he can't fool me. Hard to imitate my voice, too. UNLESS, he does imitations. Probably not. Lawyers only imitate snakes. Snakes in the grass. Leaves of Grass, you know. Walt Whitman work. You should read it. Anyway, my jet will leave at first light, and I should be in Amsterdam for breakfast. My pilot is glad to no longer be tight in the seat. I'll probably eat before I leave, though, just in case. Wouldn't want to get in dutch in Amsterdam without a good meal. $19,300 sounds pretty cheap. You think cash will be okay? I left all my credit cards at the ski chalet in Aspen, but I could have them sent out if you think Yan van den Berg will not accept cash. I knew a man named Yan once. Yan Kan Kook--Korean guy, I think. Man, Yan could whip up some fierce kimchee--that's Korean cole slaw. Pretty good stuff. No matter. I'm bringing cash, but some people don't like cash because it's dirty. Never know where that stuff has been. You should see what some people do with dollar bills--ever been to an American strip club? The stories I could tell you. Actually, I'm glad you have been so careful in this transaction. I would hate to see domicile broken before it's time. You are always thinking, going the extral mile--that's quite a distance. Too bad they won't move on the price, though. But I'm glad that I will be emmensly rewarded, since I'm going to lose at least one day of market play while I'm gone if I can't get an internet connection--Does Yan have a computer I can use while I'm there? I checked their website, and aside from their atrocious spelling, they appear to be good people. It's amazing what they can do with spell checkers these days, so I commend the tool to them. Use a good tool, or you're a fool, my momma's dad Mr. Sears Craftsman used to say. Be safe, then, for you're a tool. Looking forward to helping you and your kids--must've been quick. Didn't know you were a dad. Lots I don't know, though. Can't figure out the square root of 419 to save my life--tried it on a calculator, but it kept burning out batteries. Lordy, I'm rambling. Lord I was born a ramblin' man. Suffix to say, I'm trying to make a living and doing the best I can, though. Aren't we all? My humbleself, Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-Okay, time to pull out the 419 call. Let's see if he catches it.
I fear that it was a bit too over the top for Baldwin,
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 2003 09:52:44 -0800 (PST) From: Robert Weir Subject: Re: PROBLEM [HELP] To: Baldwin Seseseko [email@example.com] Brother Baldwin, DAMN! DAMN-DAMN! There I was, happily coasting over the Atlantic on the way to Amsterdam when BOOOM! My pilot gets on the intercom and tells me we have to make an emergency landing in the Azores! Can you believe it? Now I've got Azores all over my body! Passport checks, customs checks, body cavity checks--THEY THINK I'M AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST OR DRUG DEALER! They want to know why I'm carrying so much cash, particularly in the portion of my body in which I was carrying it. They've put me in the local hoosegow, and I smuggled this note to my pilot to send to you from my computer on the plane. I hope it gets to you. Am I getting to you yet? Are you getting it? Pilot says the 7th Fetzer valve was sticking, and he'll need some ball bearings before he can fix the plane. Meanwhile, I'm going to have to bribe these Azorian azzholes to let me go! Good thing I brought extra cash! My pilot is getting the extra cash now, I hope, and with luck, I'll be free in a few hours. Then I'll say I'm free--I am free, and freedom tastes of reality, you know. Can't wait. Time wasting. Hate being wasted. TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK I'll update you when I can. Sorry to delay, but unavoidable. Brothers forever! Robert Weir
[Ed. Note-My tribute to Fletch with the 7th Fetzer valve.
From: Robert Weir Subject: Onward and Upward, finally! To: Baldwin Seseseko [firstname.lastname@example.org] Brother Baldwin, Got myself out of Azorian hell--had to pay dearly about $100,000 US, but I'm out. One more body cavity search for good measure. Took the rest of my cash stashed there. DAMN. Okay, where were we? The way we were. I'm getting back on the plane to Amsterdam. AmsterDAM, maybe. 7th Fetzer valve is fixed. Good pilot--hard to find him, glad to have him, hate to lose him. What next? Gimme van den Berg's contact info again. Damn Azorians took my laptop, too, so I don't have that information with me. Had to use this damn computer at the hotel. This better be a smooth deal with van den Berg or I'm gonna start looking for heads to roll. Not mine, either, if you know what I mean. I've missed almost the whole market week, and that's wasted money. I hate being wasted, as you well know. Robert Weir
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