AMERICA'S NEXT OF KIN: THE WALL STREET BAIL-OUT VERSION


This one's spreading like the Plague, as the U.S. Congress debates whether and how to bail out various banks and investment firms from the jam they're in after years of repackaging shaky loans for onward investment.

The action is on the Senate Banking Committee and House Financial Services Committees. Fortunately Senator John McCain flew in to set them straight. [Can you spell Keating Five? I thought you could.]

AND he's going to top off the evening by debating Senator Barack Obama. One of these guys will be President. Scam-o-prediction: Not one but both will have white hair within four years.

Note: this is SATIRE. No one mentioned is participating in a '419' scam.

Cast:

Fake Henry Paulson - the real one is U.S. Secretary of the Treasury. Formerly chairman of Goldman Sachs. The real Paulson probably writes better. [These things matter!]

Fake Phil Gramm - (appears by mention) the real one is a former U.S. Senator (and Congressman) from Texas.
Took a leading role in the repeal of pesky laws which had kept commercial banks and investment banks out of each others' arms since the Depression. Formerly John McCain's campaign co-chair and economic advisor. Now at UBS Investment Bank.


From: hank.paulson@ustreas.gov
Subject: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP
Date: September 23, 2008
To: postmaster@scamorama.com

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US.
IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S.

THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.
THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY.
WE NEED A BLANK CHECK.
WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE.
MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY. GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION.

AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

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