YOU ARE SLOWING DOWN OUR SERVICE

Updated July 30, 2007

A hearty scam-o-welcome to Arnold Wanker of Choadtown, Kentucky, US of A.
A company called Global Express Couriers UK want to send him a BMW and a large cheque if he'll only send them the shipping fees. Avec la participation de:

Kimberly M. Dulle, "BMW Lottery" Lad Number One, followed by alter egos (or flunkies) (or higher-ups)

Richard Matlock - "BMW Lottery" Lad Number Two

Katty Tom - Customer Service Manager Lad, Global Courier Shipping Services, and apparently the closer, only "she" hasn't managed to close

versus

Arnold Wanker, a man who, if he didn't have bad luck, would have no luck at all

Hugh Janus, Customer Service Manager, Western Union, Choadtown, Kentucky

P. Hugh McCavitty, Western Union clerk, Klan Hollow


Mrs Kimberly M. Dulle
From : <ealmekinder@nc.rr.com>
Reply-To : enquiry_claimsoffice@yahoo.co.uk
Sent : Saturday, July 7, 2007 4:30 AM
Subject : BMW:2551256003/23--CONGRATULATIONS!!! FROM BMW AUTOMOBILE PROMOTIONS( YOU WON)
Received: from [10.10.1.25] (Forwarded-For: [81.199.61.98]) by ms-mss-03.southeast.rr.com (mshttpd);

THE BMW AUTOMOBILE PROMOTIONS
LOTTERY DEPARTMENT,
22 Garden Close, Stamford,
Lincs, PE9 2YP,
London,United Kingdom

Dear Winner,
This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash prize of £250,000.00 (two hundred and fifty thousand Great British Pounds) and a brand new BMW 5 Series Car from International programs held on Wednesday 4th of July 2007 in London United Kingdom.
Description of prize vehicle;

Year: 2007
Model: 530IA
Color (exterior/interior): Black Sapphire Metallic/Black Leather
Mileage: 5
Transmission: Automatic 6 Speed
Options: Cold weather package, premium package, fold down rear seats w/ski bag, am fm stereo with single in dash compact disc player.
The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection system(ess) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world from which you have been selected.

The BMW Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR). This promotional lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public.

To begin the processing of your prize you are to contact our fiduaciary claims department for more infomation as regards procedures to claim your prize.
=========================================================
BMW LOTTERY DEPARTMENT UK
7 DOCK WAY, SEFTON BUSINESS PARK
LONDON, T40 4RT
United Kingdom
Dr. Richard Allen Matlock
Email: enquiry_claimsoffice@yahoo.co.uk
Telephone:+447011136962,+44-702-406-0845
=========================================================
Contact him by providing him with your secret pin code x7pwyz2007 and your Reference Number BMW:2551256003/23.You are also advised to provide him with the under listed information as soon as possible:

1.Full Name---------------------------------------------------
2.Address.-----------------------------------------------------
3.Nationality.--------------------------------------------------
4.Age and Gender.-------------------------------
5.Occupation.--------------------------------------------------
6.Telephone Number.--------------------------------------------------
7.Present Country.-----------------------------------------------
8.Short comment on our products.- -------------------------------------------
9.Scanned Copy of Your Driver's License(Or ID Card)----------------------
==========================================================
Please you are to provide him with the above listed details as soon as possible so that he can begin with the processing of your prize winnings.
Congratulations again from all our staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs Kimberly M. Dulle
THE DIRECTOR OF PROMOTIONS
BMW LOTTERY DEPARTMENT
UNITED KINGDOM
Arnold Wanker

Arnold's license is attached. ...the "poor guy" in question is Reinhard Heydrich, who is of course long since deceased, fortunately for all of us. ...I was in a rush, was going to use Hitler but then decided that would be too obvious, and there was a picture of ol' Reinhard on the same Web page.

I also note that although by any objective standard it's a pathetic forgery, it's actually significantly better than the awful "certificate of authenticity" crap the scammers sent me at the beginning. The signatures on the certificate (badly photoshopped in so the background doesn't even match) don't even match the names printed below. They need to improve their level of customer service significantly if they're to make it in this business, I'm afraid.

Dr Richard Allen Matlock
From : Fiduciary Agent <enquiry_claimsoffice@yahoo.co.uk>
Sent : Wednesday, July 11, 2007 8:49 AM
Subject : VERIFICATION IN PROGRESS

Received: from [81.199.61.98]

THE LOTTERY DEPARTMENT BMW
Automobiles
22 Garden Close, Stamford,
Lincs, PE9 2YP, London
United Kingdom

Dear Arnold James Wanker,
Congratulations for your winning email account: arnold_wanker@hotmail.com. Your submitted details has been forwarded to the regulatory board for verification.As soon as this processing unit consider you information qualified with the prize collection age and status,we will give you necessary detailsl.The BMW Automobile Promotion Unit is glad to associate with you and your winning cheque and BMW Car Award will be released to you.

Please print a copy of your Winning Notifsication Letter and ensure that your winning details including secret code are not disclosed to anyone as impersonation by another person in the claiming process of your winnings,attracts disqualification as this is prohibited by the Director of Promotions.

Congratulations once again from all the staff of the BMW Automobile Promotion Unit.

Yours sincerely,
Dr Richard Allen Matlock
Office: enquiry_claimsoffice@yahoo.co.uk
Tel : +(44)7011136962,+(44)702-406-0845
Fudiciary Agent BMW Promotions

DESCRIPTION OF PRIZE VEHICLE

Stay with BMW in the world of automobiles necessity.
The Material Copyright © 1994-2007
Courtesy of BMW Automobiles Promotions
All rights reserved. Terms of Service - Guidelines

Email Addreses of Past Winners:
lionessgeorginel@yahoo.com
tony2unic@yahoo.com
razaqmh1968@yahoo.com.sg
Dr Richard Allen Matlock
From : Fiduciary Agent <enquiry_claimsoffice@yahoo.co.uk>
Sent : Wednesday, July 11, 2007 10:42 AM
Subject : CONTACT THE GLOBAL EXPRESS SHIPPING COMPANY

Received: from [81.199.61.98] by web27209.mail.ukl.yahoo.com via HTTP;

Dear Arnold James Wanker,
You have been officially verified and approved .The BMW Automobile Promotion Unit is glad to inform you that your winning funds and BMW Car Award has been released to you.The Regulatory Board has instructed the Promotion Department to send your BMW Car Award,Winning Cheque and Included Documents to the Globex Shipping Company due to the fact that your country of residence is distant away, below are details of the car which would be shipped to you.

Due to your location, for the shipment of your Brown Package Box and Car Award to its destination,you are advised to conatct the GLOBAL COURIER DELIVERY COMPANY ,with their contact details below:
Mrs Katty Tom,
Customer Service Manager
Global Courier Shipping Services
Unit 5, Carpenters Business Park,
Carpenters Road, Stratford,
London E15 2DU,United Kingdom
Email: shippingservices@mail2consultant.com
Email:shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
TEL :+447024079249,+447011137506

ENGINE DESCRIPTION
Cylinder-specific knock control
Digital Motor Electronics (DME)
Engine mounts, hydraulically controlled
EU4 emissions management
Two stage intake system (DISA)
V8 engine with four-valve technology
VALVETRONIC engine management
Six-speed manual transmission

WHEELS AND CHASIS
18" M light alloy wheels Double-spoke style 135M
Aluminium brake callipers at the front and rear
Aluminium integral rear axle
Disc brakes at the front and rear, inner-vented
Double joint spring-strut front axle
Run-flat tyres
Servotronic steering

STEERING WHEELS
M Sport multi-function leather steering wheel
Steering column adjustment, manual (if fully electric seat adjustment is specified steering column
adjustment becomes fully electric)

AUDIO AND COMMUNICATIONS
Auxilary input point for auxilary playing devices
BMW Business radio with single CD
Control Display (iDrive) with 6.5 inch colour display screen
Favourite buttons
On-Board Computer
Preparation for six CD changer

DESCRIPTION OF PRIZE VEHICLE

CONTENT OF BROW PACKAGE BOX:
1. Winning Cheque Worth of 250,000.00GBP
2. Winning Documents
3. Letter from Head of Promotions

Your winning funds has been insured with a Premium Hard Cover Premium Insurance Policy to the ADVANCE FINANCIAL ASSURANCE & SECURITY COMPANY here in United Kingdom t avoid any misappropriation from its cmplete amount which means deductions cannot be made from your winning prize before it will be released to you.Please be aware that all this is legitimate as we act in accordance with section 14 subsection 14(ii) of the 1999 constitution and endorsed by the United Kingdom Association of Shipping Companies(UKASC).

You are to Contact the GLOBAL COURIER SERVIVES for the shipment of your BMW CAR AND YOUR WON AMOUNT (DRAFT CHEQUE) immediately and enquire about the cost of Shipment via email providing them with the below information:

CLEARANCE CODE: XL552CD990937LUK.
NAME IN FULL:
ANY PASSPORT IDENTITY :
RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS IN FULL:
COUNTRY:
TEL & FAX:

In receipt of your prize car and won amount,please inform the department immediately so that we can close your winning file.I will require a concise update on the proceedings with the shipping company as soon as you are in contact with them.

Congratulations once again from my desk and the entire staff of BMW Automobile Promotion Department.
Sincerely,
Dr. Richard Allen Matlock
BMW Promotion Claims Department
Email: enquiry_claimsoffice@yahoo.co.uk
Tel:+447011136962,+44-702-406-0845
BMW Automobile International Awareness Promotion

N.B:ATTACHED BELOW ARE YOUR CERTIFICATE OF APPROVAL,THE BMW AUTHENTICITY CERTIFICATE AND MY IDENTIFICATION CARD

Attachment : COMPANYID.CARDOFDRRICHARDALLENMATLOCK.JPG (0.03 MB)
Attachment : BMW_AUTHENTICITY_CERTIFICATE_SCAN_COPY.JPG (0.14 MB)
Attachment : WINNING_CERTIFICATE_For_MrArnoldJamesWanker.JPG (0.05 MB)

[...although (as usual) most of the messages from the scammers look like they're typed by a monkey on crack, they have a fake tracking company set up with a Web site that looks pretty good. It even takes the tracking ID they gave me and shows it as "in transit" ("on hold" since they found it remarkably difficult to pick up their Western Union transfer, but that's another story), while rejecting other random IDs. The site URL is http://www.globalexpresscours.co.uk ]

Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@mail2consultant.com
Date: Wed 7/11/2007 9.29 AM

I done attached all the infermation you asked for. Do yall have to ship my car, or can I come over with my buddy and pick it up?

Thanks

Arnold Wanker

CLEARANCE CODE: XL552CD990937LUK.
NAME IN FULL: Arnold James Wanker
ANY PASSPORT IDENTITY :
RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS IN FULL: 1808 Gonad Drive, Choadtown, KY 40012
COUNTRY: USA
TEL & FAX: 502 696 7404
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Wednesday, July 11, 2007 5:05 PM
Subject : PACKAGE NO:CVL/TW/US/254

X-Originating-IP: [67.72.98.26]

GLOBEX Express

Unit 5, Carpenters Business Park,
Carpenters Road, Stratford,
London E15 2DU,
United Kingdom.
CVL/TW/US/254

ATTN:MR ARNOLD WANKER,
Compliment of the day to you.A Notification came to my desk for your package remittance. You are required to track your consignment using our link: http://www.globalexpresscours.co.uk/tracking.php

Your package is of the category we call Important Heavy Weight Package.Thus,we have insured shipments for security reasons.However,you are required to make the payment of our delivery charges as soon as possible so that your package can be dispatched immediately.

YOUR TRACKING ID: .You are advised to know the status of your package by clicking on our link above and log into the Custom ID.

REFERENCE NUMBER: IE/BEX-D/SA/REG/23/34/25
PACKAGE COLOUR: Brown
REG NUMBER: CVL/TW/US/254.

BREAK DOWN OF CHARGES TO BE MET BEFORE DELIVERY:
MODE OF PRICE COLLECTION:
BMW CAR AND WINNING CHEQUE

TRANSFER DURATION: 4/5 Days after payment has been made.All RECIPEINTare responsible for paying courier delivery charges.Subsequently, your prize is protected by a hardcover insurance policy,Below is the breakdown of charges to be met by recipent before delivery.

GLOBEX Express

Mailing: $420.00
Insurance: $352.00
Vat: $100.00
TOTAL: $872.00 (USD)

You are required to make a least payment of $525 and the balance must be paid to our assingned Dispatch Officer at your doorstep.This Charges Should be paid through Western Union Money Transfer in the name of our Protocol Officer:

Mrs Carol Downing
Unit 5, Carpenters Business Park,
Carpenters Road, Stratford,
London E15 2DU.

After payment a scanned copy of the payment slip should be sent via email to this office for confirmation by our account officer.Alternatively,you can send the information below after payment to enable the accounts department to confirm your payment:
1. Sender's Address..................
2.Money Transfer Control Number.......
Sender's Name.................................

Immediately your payment is confirmed by the Accounts Department you will be provided with your tracking number to enable you track your package online.

FIRST,WE MUST SEND OUR WARM THANKS TO YOU FOR MAKING USE OF GLOBEX COURIER COMPANY,THE FASTEST AND MOST RELIABLE DELIVERY COMPANY AROUND THE GLOBE.

Mrs Katty Tom
CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER UK REGIONAL OFFICE
TEL:+447024079249,+447011137506
Copyright© 2007 GLOBEX Express.

N.B:PLEASE CALL MY OFFICE AS SOON AS THIS EMAIL IS RECEIVED
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Wed 7/11/2007 12.09 PM

Hi Mrs Tom,

I tried to call y'all but your phone number has a + at the front and I don't have no + key on my phone. Tried dialin without the + but then I get Dave's Plumming and Proctology. What state are y'all in? All my cash is tied up getting my pickup fixed up after I done drove into that tree, so if you can send me that there check first I can use that to pay the shipping.

Thanks
Arnold Wanker
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Wednesday, July 11, 2007 10:04 PM
Subject : YOU ARE SLOWING DOWN OUR SERVICES
X-Originating-IP: [67.72.98.26]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD WANKER,
Compliment of the day to you.Due to the volume of work I have on my desk,I wish to inform you that I can only write you once as the regulations of the Customer Service Unit of GESC.To this end,be informed that your brown package containing your winning cheque including other winning documents from the BMW Promotion Department has been placed under insurance by the Company hence,Global Express Shipping Company can not deliver a part of your package.

As soon as your payment is received and confirmed by the Accounts Department of GESC,your consignment which include your BMW Car including your Brown Package Box will leave for its destinantion in the United States.Therefore,you are required to make payment for our shipment charges as soon as this email is received.

Immediately your payment is confirmed by the Accounts Department you will be provided with your tracking number to enable you track your package online.

FIRST,WE MUST SEND OUR WARM THANKS TO YOU FOR MAKING USE OF GLOBEX COURIER COMPANY,THE FASTEST AND MOST RELIABLE DELIVERY COMPANY AROUND THE GLOBE.

Mrs Katty Tom
CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER UK REGIONAL OFFICE
TEL:+447024079249,+447011137506
Copyright© 2007 GLOBEX Express.
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Wed 7/11/2007 12.09 PM

Hi Mrs. Tom,

Thank yall for answering so quick. Like I said before, I wish I could pay you the shipping charge like you asked for, but I went out last Thursday and got wicked drunk then done drove my pickup into a big ol tree on the way home, and I just paid the mecanic all the money I had left to get the front end fixed up. Is there any way you can like cut me maybe a discount on the fees? If I talk to the boys over at Sloshys Tavern maybe I can pull together some cash. I've got that check for 250,000 sterlings, which is probably quite a lot of dollars, coming in, so if you do me a deal, I can make it worth it for you later on, if you catch my drift. Let me tell you, there aint that many guys with that kind of cash driving round Nelson county.

Tell you what, and maybe this is the Bud Light talkin, but if you deliver it free, I'll go ahead and cut you in for 10 thousand sterlings. I'll even let you visit and ride in the new Beemer if you like.

Yours

Arnold Wanker
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Wednesday, July 11, 2007 10:59 PM
Subject : VITAL INFORMATION X-Originating-IP: [81.199.61.98]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD WANKER,
Thanks for your email.I wish to tell you that I do not own this company only a Customer Service Staff here and I do not make decisions on shipment cost.The CSU have forwarded your last email to the Senior Dispatch Officer and you are advised to contact the BMW Automobile Promotions Department for a disclaimer so that we can legally return your consignment to them.

ONCE AGAIN,WE MUST SEND OUR WARM THANKS TO YOU FOR MAKING USE OF GLOBEX COURIER COMPANY,THE FASTEST AND MOST RELIABLE DELIVERY COMPANY AROUND THE GLOBE.

Mrs Katty Tom
CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER UK REGIONAL OFFICE
TEL:+447024079249,+447011137506
Copyright© 2007 GLOBEX Express.
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Wed 7/12/2007 8.58 AM

Hi Katty,

Well, damn, aint that just the saddest thing. Im so looking forward to getting that new forrin sports car, and all the boys over here are just going nuts waiting to see it. I had a little collection at Sloshys last night, and I got $427 all told after I promised the boys they could test drive the car when it gets here, as long as they were sober enough. I could wire you what Ive got, but looks like your not alowed to make any deals or anything. But I did win the car fair and square, right? Seems unfair that I cant get my own car until I raise $525. Thats a lot of moolah where I come from. Who do I have to talk to to get my car?

Thanks

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Thursday, July 12, 2007 7:04 PM
Subject : INFORMATION FROM CUSTOMER SERVICE UNIT

ATTN:MR ARNOLD WANKER,
Today is Thursday, 12th July,2007. The management of Global Express Shipping Company had looked into your situation and agreed that you should make the payment of the $427 to our Accounts Department.Be aware that the balance payment should be made to our dispatch officer as here arrives your place of residence.The payment should be made via Western Union Money Transfer to the above address in the name of our protocol officer:Mrs Carol Downing

After payment,the following information should besent to ebale the Accounts Department confirm your payment:
1. Sender's Name............
2 Amount Sent..............
3. Address of Sender......
4. MTCN...............

Immediately your payment is confirmed here,you will be provided with your tracking number to enable you monitor your package before it gets to its destination in the United States

Mrs Katty Tom
CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER UK REGIONAL OFFICE
TEL:+447024079249,+447011137506
Copyright© 2007 GLOBEX Express
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Wed 7/12/2007 12.20 PM

Hi Katty,

Thats great news! I'm so happy that yall got me a deal. One thing... does that mean that the whole shiping cost is now just $427, or do I still owe yall the other 100 bucks or so later? And when you get the 427, will you ship the car right quick? Please let me know. I have the cash and Im ready to send it, but please get back to me quick before Sloshys opens up and the boys want me to buy them some jager shots.

Thanks
Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Thursday, July 12, 2007 7:37 PM
Subject : BALANCED WILL BE PAID AFTER DELIVERY

ATTN:MR ARNOLD WANKER,
When your consignment has been shipped to it destination and we have received a report that your has received your BMW Car and your Winning Cheque,then you will be required to make the balance payment in the United States.
Hugh Janus
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Thu 7/12/2007 1:13 PM

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am in the process of sending a money transfer of $427 (transfer fees waived on agreement to open WUExpress acount) from Mr. Arnold Wanker to Ms. Carol Downing. As you may be aware, since 9/11 there have been additional security measures implemented by the Commonwealth of Kentucky State Government in order to minimize the use of money transfer services for fraudulent and/or illegal purposes.

The money transfer will proceed as soon as at least one of the following conditions is met:

(1) I receive by e-mail a copy of the recipient's Kentucky Board of Taxation vendor registration form (Form KBT-11). If you are not registered, and you or your representatives intend on regularly receiving money transfers from the State of Kentucky, I suggest that you complete this form and send it to the Kentucky State Government. Instructions for doing this are available from their Web site http://www.ky.gov

or

(2) I receive by e-mail an image of the recipient, or delegated representative, clearly holding the icon attached. Please download and print the image, and have the recipient hold it in such a way that it is clearly visible in the photograph. No alterations or truncations must be present in the image. The icon has been chosen out of a list of 12 possibilities by the sender: this one is Paulie the Peckerfish, Kentucky's state mascot.



[If the image seems familiar, google on "puberty pals"]

My apologies in advance for any inconvenience these security measures may cause; I look forward to your earnest response in order that I may expedite the money transfer without further delay.

Best Regards
Hugh Janus
Customer Service Manager, Western Union, Choadtown, Kentucky
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Thu 7/12/2007 1:13 PM

Hi Katty,

OK, you got me before Sloshys opened, so I done took all my money down to the Western Union office like you said. It was tense for a minute cuz he wanted like $30 transfer fee, but then he said if I opened some credit account or something they let me off the fee one time. Anyhow, the dude there said something about me choosing a picture and asking a test question, so the test question's what's the Kentucky state mascot? and the answer is Paulie the Peckerfish, but I bet you knew that already. Anyway, that was the picture I chose as well. The Western Union guy says that as soon as he's done all the security stuff the money will be with yall right quick. Please let me know the tracking number or whatever so I know when the new Beemers gettin here.

Thanks

Arnold
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Thu 7/12/2007 2.14 PM

Hi Katty:

I done forgot to give you that control number thingy you wanted. Here's the stuff...

Sender's name: Arnold James Wanker
Amount sent: $427
Address of sender: 1808 Gonad Drive, Choadtown, KY 40012
MTCN ( I guess that's the control number?) : 8972099522

Should have come through by now.

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Thursday, July 12, 2007 10:11 PM
Subject : PAYMENT
X-Originating-IP: [81.199.61.98]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD WANKER,
We have just received your payment for the shipment of your BMW Car and your winning cheque.As soon as your payment is confirmed by the accounts department we will send you a tracking number to monitor your consignment online.

Shortly,you will be contacted with your tracking number by the Customer Service Unit.
Arnold Wanker
Date: Thu 7/12/2007 3.24 PM

Hi Katty:

Thats great news! Im hittin my bottle of Early Times already to celebrate. I cant wait to be gettin my new Beemer.

Thanks
Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Friday, July 13, 2007 1:56 AM
Subject : TRACK YOUR PACKAGE....ID(2219791979US)
X-Originating-IP: [67.72.98.26]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
Compliment of the day to you.The Accounts Department of Global Express Shipping Company has confirmed your payment.Your Consignment which consist of your Winning Cheque and a BMW Car 2007 has left London for your 1808 Gonad Drive, Choadtown, KY 40012,United States.You are required to track your consignment using our link: http://www.globalexpresscours.co.uk/tracking.php

YOUR TRACKING ID: 2219791979US. You are advised to know the status of your package by clicking on our link above and log into the Custom ID.

REFERENCE NUMBER: IE/BEX-D/SA/REG/23/34/25
PACKAGE COLOUR: Brown
REG NUMBER: CVL/TW/US/254.

ONCE AGAIN,WE MUST SEND OUR WARM THANKS TO YOU FOR MAKING USE OF GLOBEX COURIER COMPANY,THE FASTEST AND MOST RELIABLE DELIVERY COMPANY AROUND THE GLOBE.
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Friday, July 13, 2007 1:45 PM
Subject : STOP ODER
X-Originating-IP: [81.199.61.98]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
The payment made by you in the name of our protocol officer is not yet confirmed.Yu are advised t g t the Western Unin ffice and cnfirm the payment.Make a payment f the transfer charges frm the $427 and send the baance which is $397.

Immediatelly this is done,please sent the payment information in its correct form for confirmation.This is the reason why the Custmer Service Unit has placed a Stop Order on your consignment.
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Thu 7/12/2007 3.24 PM

Katty,

Well Im startin to get a mite confused and worried here. It dont help that I got in a horrible state last night... Coonskin Dave came over with some of his homemade liqour. Last thing I remember I was blowing chunks. Wouldnt be such a big deal but Chunks is the name of my dog. Still cant get the taste out of my mouth.

Any road, I was all exited when I saw yalls first message, then you done told me you stoped the shipment cuz theres some problem with the payment. Now I just called the Western Union office, and the guy there said hes waiting for some security code or such like from yall before he can put the transfer through. He said he emailed yall yesterday but hes still waitin to hear back.

Did you get the message from the guy at Western Union? Can you send him the code or whutever it is he wants? I done give the guy all my cash yesterday, and I was kinda hopin that the car would be on its way today.

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
to Hugh Janus
date Jul 13, 2007 11:27 AM
subject RE: Money transfer: sender Arnold Wanker, recipient Carol Downing
mailed-by globalexpresss.com

Dear Sirs/Madam,
The email you sent regarding the payment of $427 by Mr Arnold Wanker did not come through and we do hope all necessary details to that end will be forwarded on receipt of this email.

Yurs faithfuy,
Mrs Kathy Tom
Hugh Janus
To : shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Fri 7/13/2007 11.42 AM

Dear Mrs Tom,

Given that you've replied to my message, I assume that at least the text portion of it came through? Anyway, allow me to briefly repeat what I stated in the original: I have received $427 from Mr Arnold Wanker and he asked that I send it to recipient Ms Carol Downing in London, United Kingdom. I have generated a MTCN and given it to Mr. Wanker - the money will be available for pickup by Ms Downing as soon as

(a) I receive a scanned copy of Ms Downing's Kentucky Board of Taxation vendor registration form (KBT-11), or
(b) I receive a scanned copy of a photograph of Ms Downing, or delegated representative, holding the attached icon (Paulie the Peckerfish, Kentucky State Mascot). The icon must be printed so that it is large enough to be clearly visible in the photograph.

In accordance with Kentucky law, I must abide by these conditions before I am able to process the money transfer. I look forward to receiving either a KBT-11 or a photograph; the money will be available immediately thereafter.

Thanks and best regards

Hugh Janus
Customer Service Manager, Western Union, Choadtown, Kentucky
Mrs Katty Tom
date Jul 13, 2007 12:06 PM
subject To Hugh Janus(You Are Slowing Down Our Services)

Dear Hugh,
I would repeat my self as you do not understand that I have so much work on my desk at the moment Mrs Carol Downing has a busy office shedue and we do not just take photographs because a customer makes payment. We would have taken a million and one photographs.

You are advised to send the payment immediately as you are already slowing down our services.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs Kathy Tom
Hugh Janus
Date: Fri 7/13/2007 12.56 PM

Dear Kathy,

I understand that Mrs Downing and yourself both have busy schedules. I also understand that it would be a serious burden to you if you had to provide a photograph with every money transfer you received. However, as I pointed out in my original message, this requirement is particular to the Commonwealth of Kentucky and presumably does not apply in most other jurisdictions. As I also mentioned, you can avoid this requirement in future by simply filing an application for a KBT-11 with the Kentucky State Government; you would then simply have to send a scanned copy of the KBT-11 each time.

I apologize again for the inconvenience caused, but I would be in violation of Kentucky state law if I allowed the transfer to proceed without the state requirements being fulfilled.

Regards
Hugh Janus
Customer Service Manager, Western Union, Choadtown, Kentucky
Mrs Katty Tom
Sent : Friday, July 13, 2007 6:39 PM

ATTN:MR ARND WANKER,
Call the Western Union Office immediately you receive this email and inform the Customer Service Staff to remove the security placed on the payment because this is the reason why we have not received your payment.
Our Protocol Officer has so much work to attend to in her office.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs Kathy Tom
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Fri 7/13/2007 1.06 PM

Kathy,

Well now Im startin to get all riled up over this situation. Im so stressed my hemmoroids are starting to play up somethin terrible. I even had to go get that donut cushin I aint had to use for a couple years since that chili cookoff. I just done called the Western Union guy again. I asked him to remove the code like you said, and he said he cant remove the code cuz it's state law that he needs it from you 'fore he can send the money. Why cant you just send him the code, then you gits the money, then I get my Beemer?

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
Sent : Friday, July 13, 2007 8:49 PM
Subject : YOU ARE SLOWING DOWN OUR SERVICES
X-Originating-IP: [81.199.61.98]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
The payment made by you in the name of our protocol officer is not yet confirmed.Yu are advised t g t the Western Unin ffice and cnfirm the payment.Make a payment f the transfer charges frm the $427 and send the baance which is $397.

Immediatelly this is done,please sent the payment information in its correct form for confirmation.This is the reason why the Custmer Service Unit has placed a Stop Order on your consignment.
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Fri 7/13/2007 1.57 PM

What's goin on here? Thats the same message yall sent me earlier. I done told yall I already talked to the Western Union dude, and he said he gots to have the security thing from yall before you can have the money.

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Friday, July 13, 2007 9:14 PM
Subject : VITAL INFORMOATION
X-Originating-IP: [81.199.61.98]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
The management of Global Express Shipping Company wishes to inform you that you should tell the Western Union Service to transfer the payment immediately that you do not need security on the payment. This is because it is causing a delay in the dispatch of your package.

Please send the payment details as soon as this is resolved so that our accounts department can acess your payment and confirm it.
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Fri 7/13/2007 4.05 PM

I done told you twice already. Ive called the Western Union dude twice already today. Both times I done told him I dont need no security. The guy at Western Union told me its Kentucky law that you gots to send back his photo or form or whatever. Please go on and send him what he needs so that he can give you the money.

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Saturday, July 14, 2007 2:28 PM
Subject : VITAL NOTICE

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
The Senior Dispatch Officer has instructed that your payment must be made before Monday 10.15am because our routine shipment will leave United Kingdm on Monday by 10.30 am. As soon as payment is made,you are required to send the information below for confirmation:

1 Sender's Name-------
2 Money Transfer Control Number----

ONCE AGAIN,WE MUST SEND OUR WARM THANKS TO YOU FOR MAKING USE OF GLOBEX COURIER COMPANY,THE FASTEST AND MOST RELIABLE DELIVERY COMPANY AROUND THE GLOBE.

Mrs Katty Tom
CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER UK REGIONAL OFFICE
TEL:+447024079249,+447011137506
Copyright© 2007 GLOBEX Express.
Arnold Wanker
To: shippingservices@globalexpresss.com
Date: Sat 7/14/2007 3.40 PM

Cool deal. If yall are fixin to ship the Beemer on Monday, that means yall must have sent that Western Union dude the security code he needs. Knew you bidness types would figure it out. I cant even imagine how yall kin deal with all them codes and rules and such like all day. Anyhoo, cant wait to get the Beemer and the check. Still dont know how many sterlings are in a dollar, but Im bettin its enough to get new crowns on all three of my teeth.

I guess yall done lost the number from before, so here it is...

Sender's name: Arnold James Wanker
Money Transfer Control Number: 8972099522

Arnold

[More to come? Will Arnold get his Beemer?]



Hugh Janus
From: Hugh Janus [westernunionky@xxxx-xxxxxx.xx]
To: Customer Services [shippingservices@globalexpresss.com]
Subject: Money transfer from Arnold Wanker to Carol Downing: Final Notice
Date: Mon 7/16/2007 8.53 AM

Dear Mrs. Tom,

As you are aware, I still have not received the KBT-11 or photograph that I need in order to be able to transfer the funds ($427 US) from Arnold Wanker to Carol Downing. In accordance with Western Union rules, I will have to return the funds to the sender and cancel the transfer if I do not receive the necessary documents by close of business (5pm CDT) today. Please advise how you wish to proceed.

Thanks
Hugh Janus
Customer Service Manager, Western Union, Choadtown, Kentucky
Arnold Wanker
To: Customer Services [shippingservices@globalexpresss.com]
Subject: Re: VITAL NOTICE
Date: Mon 7/16/2007 5.15 PM

Katty,

The dude from Western Union done give me my money back. I thought yall said you sent him the security thing he needs. What's goin on? Wheres my new Beemer?

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Wednesday, July 18, 2007 2:18 AM
Subject : Our Next Routine Shipment By Friday 10.30
X-Originating-IP: [81.199.61.151] <-- Gilat Satcom

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,

The management of Global Express Shipping Company wishes to inform you that you should go to another Western Union Office and make the payment if you want your consignment to leave with our next routine shipment by Friday 10.30 Please,inform them that the money should be transfered without any delays or security in the funds.Immediately the payment is made,you are required to send the payment details immediately to enable the dispatch of your package by Friday 10.30.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs Katty Tom,
CSM of GESC
Arnold Wanker
To: Customer Services [shippingservices@globalexpresss.com]
Subject: Re: VITAL NOTICE
Date: Wed 7/18/2007 9.53 AM

Hi Katty,

Its real good to hear from yall again. I was scared that yall had given up on the whole thing after whut happened with you and that guy from Western Union. Boy was he ever pissed when I went over to get my money back. Turns out he gots to give back the comishon he got from me opening that credit account thing. Aint gonna be goin back there again any time soon.

Now see, I hope yall can help me out here. So Monday, the dude from Western Union done give me $427. Now I was feeling kinda down about the whole thing, so I done used some of that cash to buy some stuff, you know, for round the house. I got some of the good whisky, the one that comes in a real glass bottle. Plus they had squirel pie on sale, so I done stocked up on that also. Way I see it, you aint lived until you sat down with a squirel pie, some hash browns, and a good smooth sippin whisky. So long story short, I aint got all the $427 left any more. Fact is, I only got, lets see here, $305. Do yall want me to wait til I can raise some more, or should I send yall what I got now? Way I see it, I'ma have to find me a Western Union over the state line anyhow.

Thanks

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Thursday, July 19, 2007 8:00 AM
Subject : INFORMATION FROM Western Union OFFICE
X-Originating-IP: [63.109.248.30] <--- New Skies Satellites

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
The management of Global Express Shipping Company wishes to inform you that you should go to another Western Union Office and make the payment if you want your consignment to leave with our next routine shipment by Friday 10.30

Please,inform them that the money should be transfered without any delays or security in the funds.Immediately the payment is made,you are required to send the payment details immediately to enable the dispatch of your package by Friday 10.30.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs Katty Tom,
CSM of GESC
Arnold Wanker
Date: Thu 7/19/2007 8.46 AM

Katty.

Like a told yall, after the squirel pie and the whisky, I only got $305 left now. Is it OK if I send yall the $305 and give yall the rest when I get the BMW and the check? I dont know if the boys at Sloshys are gonna spot me any more $$ until they see the car.

Thanks

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
Sent : Thursday, July 19, 2007 4:04 PM
Subject : ATTENTION

X-Originating-IP: [67.72.98.25]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
To avoid any delay in the shipment of your winning consignment which include your BMW Car and your winning cheque,go and make the payment of the 305USD and send the payment details for confirmation immediately.

Ensure that you make the payment from another Western Union office and inform them that the money should be sent immediately without security.

Mrs Katty Tom,
Customer Service Manager
Global Express Shipping Company
Arnold Wanker
To: Customer Services [shippingservices@globalexpresss.com]
Date: Thu 7/19/2007 10.04 AM

Katty,

OK, Ill send yall the money, but one thing first. You know that Web site thingy yall sent me so that I could track the Beemer? That there Web site aint workin no more. I done got some Object Aint Found error or some such when I went there. Whuts goin on? What happened to yalls Web site?

Thanks

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
Sent : Thursday, July 19, 2007 5:47 PM
Subject : INFORMATION FROM CUSTOMER SERVICE UNIT

X-Originating-IP: [67.72.98.25]

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
The management of Global Express Shipping Services instructed the Dispatch Officers to nullify your tracking due to the fact that the accounts department was unable to confirm your payment.

Thus,endeavour to send the details of your payment immediately.The Senior Dispatch Officer will give you new tracking number to enable you monitor your package online until it gets to its destination in United States.

Mrs Katty Tom,
Customer Service Manager
Global Express Shipping Company
Arnold Wanker
Date: Thu 7/19/2007 10.55 AM

Katty,

Yup, I done understood that you killed the tracking number or whutever. But wheres the Web site at for your company? I done typed in http://www.globalexpresscours.co.uk and I still keep gettin this "Object Aint Found" mesage. Did yall get bought by some other company or some such? Im gettin scared that Im a send yall this money then the company done gone broke. Is everything OK for yall over there?

Arnold
Mrs Katty Tom
From : Customer Services <shippingservices@globalexpresss.com>
Sent : Friday, July 20, 2007 12:35 PM

ATTN:MR ARNOLD JAMES WANKER,
Everything is ok.Make payment to avoid delay.

Mrs Katty Tom
Arnold Wanker
Date: Fri 7/20/2007 9.15 AM

Katty,

Well now thats good timin. Im fixin to leave this morning with my buddy Dave on a fishin trip for a few days. Way I figure it, we kin head over the state line to Dead Yankee Creek in Tenesee. While Im out there Im a find me a Western Union office and send yall the money. Ill try and do it tonight before weve done drunk all four cases of Miller.

Arnold
Arnold Wanker
Cc: Phil McCavitty
Date: Fri 7/20/2007 3.07 PM

Hi Katty!

Yeeeehaaa!! Me and Dave done made great time down I-65. Have yall ever been out to these parts? We done stoped off at this cute lil bar in Klan Hollow near the state line. Theres a bar called the Rebel Yell an they do two fer one jim beam and red bull shots. Yall just gots to check it out when yoiu come visit. I feel like we done flew the rest of the way down the freeway.

Any road, Im at the Western Unin ofice. I done give the dude my money. I think the transfer control thingy is 8120034781. Its kinda blurry tho. Never mind, the dude lent me his puter so I can send yall a scan copy of the receet. I done attahced the file and sent the dude a copy also.

Let me know when teh Bemers arrivin. I figure I may need me a new car fore to long, the way this here trips goin.

Aronld


[This one I stole (the picture, I mean, not the sheep) from http:// www.adulttoyreviews.com.]

Phil McCavitty
From: Phil McCavitty
To: Customer Services [shippingservices@globalexpresss.com]
Subject: PLEASE DELETE THE LAST ATTACHMENT IMMEDIATELY
Date: Fri 7/20/2007 4.33 PM

I'm the clerk from the Western Union office in Klan Hollow, and unfortunately a customer in our office just mistakenly sent you the wrong attachment when I let him use the terminal. First, let me say that I was very, very depressed when the incident in the picture happened. Let me assure you that I've never done anything like that before or since. Please tell me you've deleted the picture that was sent. I could lose my job over this. I will send you the scanned copy of the transfer receipt, but for my own self-preservation I will wait until I'm assured you've destroyed all copies of the picture.

Thanks
Phil McCavitty
Mrs Katty Tom
From: Customer Services [shippingservices@globalexpresss.com]
To: Phil McCavitty
Subject: Information
Date: Sat 7/21/2007 4.35 AM

Dear Mr Phil McCavitty,
I received your email and have destroyed all the past attachments and pictures we received from and on behalf of the customer.

We are still expecting the payment slip from your end.

Mrs Katty Tom.
Phil McCavitty
To: Customer Services [shippingservices@globalexpresss.com]
Date: Mon 7/23/2007 6.48 AM

Dear Katty,

Thank you for your understanding. Living out here is depressing sometimes. I feel like no-one really connects with me on the level that I need. What's it like where you're at? Do you ever feel the urge for unusual activities to pass the time? Would you be interested in meeting up some time - just you, me, and some inflatable companions? Please let me know if this is your sort of thing. I don't mind if you kept a personal copy of the picture also: I just don't want anyone this end to find out.

I will send you the copy of the payment slip as soon as possible. Unfortunately it's the Nathan Bedford Forrest festival this week, so my file system is inaccessible. I know you're in a hurry so I'll try to hack into it but it will take time. Hopefully by Thursday morning I should be able to send the copy of the slip..

Yours in animal husbandry,
Hugh
Phil McCavitty
To: Customer Services [shippingservices@globalexpresss.com]
Date: Thu 7/26/2007 10.19 AM

Hi Katty:

I still haven't received word from you about the things I talked about in the last message. I hope I wasn't too forward? It's just that since you saw that picture of me, I feel a connection with you that goes beyond the great distance between us. Rather than being shocked and disgusted, you were so tender and understanding. Please think it over. Once you've discovered the love of an inflatable animal, it's something that just has to be shared.

Please find attached the Western Union receipt for the transfer. I hope you've had a good Nathan Bedford Forrest Week over there.

Regards
P. Hugh McCavitty

[If you stumbled across this and are boggled, seek de-bogglement on the MAIN PAGE.]


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