WE CAN SHARE THE JOY


An Eliza Dane adventure!

It all began one fine day with an out-of-the-blue boilerplate "thank you for your efforts, here's a consolation cheque" message...

Eliza Dane's on the case... which means a lot of bad language!

This one had the unusual feature of a parallel Dead Bank Customer scam that developed into a parallel bait.

The Scammers.
[Names in gray are non-active participants.]
Sam Adimorah, Attorney at Law and Senior Advocate of Nigeria, and personal Attorney to Mr. Lake Dallas
Ewele Sam, Sam Adimorah's lame-brained and sluggish secretary
Tony Davis, Ewele Sam's WU identity
Mr Onyenweife Emmanuel Anagor, Ewele Sam's other WU identity
Aroh Edy, Sam Adimorah's old school chum, running a Dead Bank Customer scam
George Rotimi, Sam Adimorah's barrister
Dominic Udezue, George Rotimi's WU identity
Victor Gozie, Director First Atlantic Bank London
Michael Larthy, MANAGER CUSTOMER CARE at STANDARD SECURITY AND SERVICE COMPANY LTD ACCRA GHANA.
Paul Maes, someone supposedly brought in to take Eliza's place.
Alhaji Usman Abubakar, a supposed Diplomat
Onyibor Martins Chukwudi, Ewele Sam's third WU identity

The Baiter
Eliza Dane, a 22-year-old aspiring model and Odin-worshiper with a real talent for bad language
AJ, Eliza's photographer boyfriend.
Abu Bello and Mike Anderson, 419ers from previous baits, brought in to rattle the Lads
Odin, Freyja, Frigga, Skadhi, Thor, Tyr, and Loki, deities of the Norse pantheon, often invoked by Eliza; and Fenrir, the Fenris wolf of Norse legend.

And to no-one's surprise, Western Union and Moneygram. Warning; profanity ahead - lots of it. But you knew that!


[Here's what I got first up.
This one's slightly different, inasmuch as the Lad is claiming to be in India rather than the usual Paraguay.
$1200 compensation? What a pathetic come-on.]
Sam Adimorah
04 May 2006

Dear Friend,
I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting the fund transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from India. Presently i'm in India for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. meanwhile,i didn't forget your past efforts andattempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how. Now contact my secretary,his name is Ewele Sam and his email address is ewele_sam@myway.com ask him to send you the total $1,200.00 which i kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts atthat time very much. so feel free and get in touched with my secretary Sam and instruct him where to send the amount to you.
Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy after all the sufferness at that time. in the moment, i am very busy here because of the investment projects which me and the new partner are having at hand, finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to the secretary on your behalf to receive that money, so feel free to get in touch with Ewele Sam and he will send the amount to you without any delay.
with best regards,
Sam Adimorah.

[Inspired by the Unkindly Contributor's WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I searched for and soon found the original version.]

Sam Adimorah
From: "SAM ADIMORAH" <barr_samadimorah05@hotmail.com>
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005
Subject: URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED PLS
BARRISTER SAM CAMBERS & CO
BARRISTERS & SOLICITORS
No 129 Agboju Lagos, LAGOS STATE NIGERIA.

Dear Sir/madam,
I am Barrister Sam Adimorah. (SAN), An Attorney at Law and Senior Advocate of Nigeria . I am the personal Attorney to Mr. Lake Dallas, Whom I believed he must be a National of your country, who used to work with (DEPARTMENT OF PETROLEUM RESOURCES IN NIGERIA),Here in after shall be referred to as my Client.
On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and their three Children were involved in a fatal car Accident along Sagamu Express Road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then I have made several inquires to your Embassy to locate any of my clients extended Relatives this has also proved unsuccessful.
After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where these huge deposits were lodged. Particularly, [The union Bank of Nigeria], where the deceased had an account valued at about (US$25m]Twenty five Million United States Dollars. Has issued me a notice to provide the Next of Kin or have the Account confiscated within the next 21 working days. Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased and the proceeds of this account valued at (US$25m)Twenty five Million United States. Can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money, all necessary legal documents will be in place that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through. Guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Please do get in touch with me through myprivate email [adimorah2005@yahoo.com) for security reasons , oral discussions
Once I have your consent and trust, then we can proceed immediately.
Anticipating your urgent response.
Barrister Sam Adimorah
Urgent assistance needed

[Your basic Dead Bank Customer letter.]

[Eliza, more than unusually angry, doesn't mince words with this one.]

Eliza Dane
Sam,
What the fuck is all this about? Where the fuck have you been?
And what sort of piddling little sum do you call this? $1200 - is this a fucking joke?
Eliza
Ewele Sam
DEAR FRIEND,
I MAY TELL YOU THAT THIS IS NOT A JOKE INFACT I DO NOT KNOW THE BUSINESS YOU HAVE DONE WITH MY BOSS BUT ALL I HAVE TO TELL YOU IS THAT MY BOSS LEFT A CHEQUE DRAFT OF $1,200 .00 AND INSTRUCT ME TO SEND IT TO YOU SO FEEL FREE AND GET IN TOUCH WITH OK.
EWELE SAM

[Not a good start - I don't get him, instead I get the so-called secretary. What a nerve...]

[I don't want the monkey, I want the organ grinder! (Not meant to be racist, I might add).]

Eliza Dane
Mr Sam,
You stay out of this until I fucking well say so - $1200 is a fucking joke.
I was promised a fortune. That fucking little cheque isn't even close.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam

[He persists...]

DEAR FRIEND,
I RECIEVED YOUR MAIL. BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU WELL I WANT YOU TO PUT ME TROUGH AND ALSO FORWARD ME YOUR ADDRESS WHERE YOU WILL LIKE THE CHEQUE TO DELIEVRED YOUR FULL NAME AND YOUR TELE PHONE NUMBER FOR EASY COMMUNICATION.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
EWELE
Eliza Dane

[Eliza won't play ball that easily, mugu!]

Mr Sam,
I told you before - shut the fuck up and stay out of this.
I want the boss, not the fucking office boy.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[Let's try to get Sam Adimorah back in the game.]

Sam,
Will you fucking TALK to me?
Why is that Ewele Sam butting in? You didn't have to work through some intermediary back then - AND you promised me 20%. That's five million! I sent you $5000 for expenses and then you dropped out of sight. THEN you have the nerve to return after a month of silence with a fucking insult. You won't even cover what I gave you! What sort of man are you, Sam? I even sent you pix from my modelling portfolio. You said such nice things. Now, you just brush me off like some cad from a Victorian novel. Why the fuck did you do it, Sam?
Please talk to me.
Eliza
Ewele Sam

[Ewele Sam persists - and then we have a new wrinkle; the cheque is not for $1200, but for $1.2 million. However, for now Eliza is too pissed off to notice.]

DEAR FRIEND,
i recieved your mail and the contect is well noted, WELL MY DEAR THAT IS THE REASON I TOLD YOU YOU SHOULD THINK WELL.AGAIN I AM SOORY FOR WHATHAD HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND MY BOSS. BUT I MAY TELL YOU THAT MAY BE HE LOST YOUR CONTACT THEN AS HE SAID BECAUSE HE COMPLAINED ABOUT YOU AND HOW YOU HELP HIM UNFORTUNATELY HE LOST YOUR CONTACT BEFORE GOTTING ASSITANCE FROM INDIA. THIS IS THE REASON WHY HE COMPERSATING YOU WITH THAT AMOUNT OF $1,200,000.00 CHEQUE DRAFT. SO FORGET EVERYTHING AND HAVE YOUR MONEY BECAUSE THAT IS THE GAIN OF BEEN GOOD. I AM WAITING TO RECIEVE YOUR INFOR WHERE THE CHEQUE WIIL DELIEVER TO YOU.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
EWELE.
Eliza Dane
Mr Ewele,
Just hang on a fucking minute. Sam was dissatisfied? What the fuck did he have to complain about? I followed his orders to the letter, I gave him everything he wanted, and he loses contact, so it's MY fault? Since he won't speak to me, I guess I have to route everything through you - is that the deal? Well, I can tell you, $1200 ain't worth the trouble. It's worth a couple of pairs of shoes, maybe a new jacket. In other words, fucking chickenfeed.
I want the money Sam promised me - my five million. Tell him that.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam

[He's thanking me for insults? Strange guy...]

Dear Eliza Dane,
Thank you for your mail and your insult to me.but it seems that you do not understand the amount is not $1200 it $1,200,000.00 how can some body wjo you assiste will conpasate you with the money which is not up to a day food.
I have sent an email to my boss concern what your are said but i did not hear from him and i am still waiting for his response.conthis matter can i send his e-mail address to so that you will talk to him in person because i am an ofice boy as you said.
Looking forward to hear from you soon.
Thanks and God bless.
Ewele sam
Eliza Dane
Mr Ewele,
Sam told me you had $1200. You said $1200. Now you say $1.2 million. Am I now supposed to be able to read your fucking mind?
I have Sam's email address, but it seems he's not answering me. It's like he's ashamed or something. I say he should be.
I want to hear from Sam. He has all my details; he should be able to tell you everything you need to know to send me the money.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam

["[C]ontent dearing"?]

Dear Eliza Dane, Well i take note of your mail and content dearing. But i will like you to know that am just a secretary working under instruction, So i have no power of my own. Though in this invent i was intruscted by my boss to send a cheque of $1.2m on to you once you requested for your conpensation to an uncluded business with him.At moment he left the cheque to my care due to his trust on me and advised me to make sure that it get to you. So for your information the money is $1.2m and not $1200 and for your interest make sure you correct the mistake therein. Even the draft is hear in my office and will be send to you once you comply with me by sending your contact informations such as:You contact address where you will like the diplomat to meet you for the delivery and direct telephone number for easy communication on his arrival.I will proceed to the courier service immediately i confirm the information from you and will always keep you posted on the out come. You can call my cell phone on +229 9347 6584. Looking forward to hear from you
Eliza Dane
Mr Ewele,
Do you mean to say that some fucking diplomat is going to be the one delivering the money? Not Fedex? Wow...
Look, if you're working for Sam, why can't he tell you where I am? What sort of boss dumps everything on the staff?
Eliza
Sam Adimorah

[Ah, hello, Sam, CAP LOCK and all!]

DEAR ELIZA HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY,HOPING YOU PEOPLE ARE FINE?I RECIEVED MAIL FROM MY SECRETARY. HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DISCOUSSED WITH HIM. REMENBER THAT ON THE PROCESS IN OUR TRANSACTION WE LOST CONTACT WHICH IS NOT MY FAULT AND ACCORDING TO MY SECRETARY I UNDERSTOOD THAT IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT TOO BUT THAT IS HOW GOD WANT IT THAT IS WHY I LEFT THE CHAQUE OF $1,200,000.00 COMPESATION FOR YOU.AND INSTRUCTED MY SECRETAEY TO SEND IT FOR YOU. I AM VERY VERY SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED FORGET EVERY THING AND FEEL FREE AND GET IN TOUCH WITH MY SECRETARY AVD HAVE YOUR CHEQUE OK.YOU CAN GET INTOUCH WITH ME RHROUGH THIS E-MAIL AS IT IS MY PRIVATE E-MAIL ADDTESS. GOD BLESS.
SAM ADIMORAH
Eliza Dane

[With a mixture of sadness and bad language, Eliza chides Sam...]

Sam,
At last! I was sick of that little putz Ewele Sam. Weasel Sam if you ask me. Don't bring your God into it; you know where I stand on that.
If we lost touch it wasn't down to me, so it must have been you. I was fucking pissed off, Sam,
$5000 I'd sent, and a fair chunk of my modelling portfolio, and... nothing. Dead air.
You never even sent me a picture of yourself. You promised, but it never came. Who was the asshole who took the business, Sam? Why was I no good all of a sudden? Was everything you said just words written on the wind? You hurt me, Sam, you made me cry.
Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT ARE WELL NOTED.WELL MY DEAR AS I SAID BEFORE THAT WAS HOW GOD WANT IT.BECAUSE OF YOUR EFFORT AND ASSISTANCE THAT I CONSIDERED AND CONPESATEYOU WITH THATMONEY.I PLEAD YOU TO FORGIVE ME REMEMBER THAT GOD SAID WE SHOULD FORGIVE ONE ONE OTHER. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO CONTACT MY SECRETARY WITH THE NEEDED INFOR HE REQUIRED SO THAT HE WILL SEND THE CHEQUE TO YOU. REMEBER THAT YOUR AR MY FRIEND AND SO FAR HEAVEN AND EARTH IS CONCERN YOU ARE STILL MY FRIEND. ABOUT THE PASSPORT IF YOU STILL NEED MY PASSPORT I WILL SEND IT FOR YOU. THANKS GOD BLESS
SAM ADIMORAH
Ewele Sam
Dear Eliza,Yes my boss gave me your information but you have to reconfirm it as urgent to avoid mistakes. So i will like you to confirm your current address where you will like the diplomat to meet you and contact telephone he will use to contact you on his arrival.Looking forward to hear from you.Regards,Ewele Sam
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I told you before, don't bring your God into this. He may have told you that we should forgive one another - Father Odin has a different message.
By all means, send your passport - you have enough pix of me already.
BTW, sorry not to reply sooner, but we were on a photoshoot in Queensland - four days in the sun, away from Sydney, which is pretty cold right now.
Eliza
Sam Adimorah

Here's a wrinkle; he's introduced a time limit!
[I've since learned that Lad cheques always have time limits.]

MY DEAR ELIZA,
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR MAIL I MAY TELL YOU THAT I AM VERY HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU.I RECIEVED YOUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT ARE WELL NOTED. IT IS QIET UNFIRCIANATE THAT MY SCANINIG MEACHINE HAS PROPLEM BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT ONES IS OK I WILL SEND MY PECTURE TO YOU OK.BUT I WANT YOU TO GO AHEAD AND SEND REQUESTED INFOR TO MY SECRETARY SO THAT YOU WILL HAVE YOUR CHEQUE BEFORE IT WILL EXPIRE OK. BUT IF THAT IS NOT OK FOR YOU THEN GET BACK TO ME AND TELL HOW YOU WANT IT OK. BUT PLEAD TO YOU TO GO AND HAVE YOUR CHEQUE.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
YOUR, FRIEND,
SAM.
Eliza Dane
Mr Ewele,
Hold off for now - I'm thinking of another way. I didn't reply before now because I was at a photoshoot in Queensland. Don't work too hard, OK?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[Let's see if I can get him to wait at an airport for Eliza...]

Sam,
Like I said, I'd like to have your picture (since you have lots of mine) - but I was going to suggest something else; since you're in India, and there are lots of exotic sites there (the Taj Mahal and the Red Fort being just two that spring to mind), why don't I come over there (doing a photoshoot - I can get AJ at least to agree to it) and you can give me the cheque yourself? That way Weasel Sam is out of the loop... Then I read that thing about I'll have my cheque "BEFORE IT WILL EXPIRE" - are you telling me you put an expiry date on the fucking thing? What the fuck were you thinking?
Eliza
Sam Adimorah

[Afraid not.]

DEAR ELIZA,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY, AS YOU CAN SEE AM A VERY BUSY MAN NOW, TRULY I KEPT A CHEQUE IN YOUR FAVOR FOR YOUR PASS EFFORT. NOW LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR TO YOU IF YOU WANT TO COME TO INDIA, THERE WILL BE NO PROBLEM BUT REMEBER THAT IT WILL STILL COST YOU MORE MONEY IS BETTER YOU COMPLY WITH MY ASSISTANT, THAT WAY HE CAN BE ABLE TO SEND YOU YOUR CHEQUE. LIKE MY ASSISTANT TOLD YOU, THE CHEQUE HAS AN EXPIRY DATE SO IT WILL BE BETTER FOR YOU TO FIND OUT FROM HIM WHEN IT WILL EXPIRE BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN REMEBER WHEN THE CHEQUE WILL EXPIRE,IS BETTER YOU ACT VERY FAST BEFORE THE CHEQUE EXPIRED. I WILL EVEN APPRICIATE YOU COMING TO INDIA,BUT I DON'T HAVE THE CHEQUE THERE WITH ME, THE CHEQUE IS STILL WITH MY ASSISTANT, SO EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DECIDE ON WHAT TO DO.
BUT I WILL STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO COMPLY WITH MY ASSISTANT SO THAT YOUR CHEQUE CAN BE SENT TO YOU WITHOUT ANY MORE DELAY OF THE CHEQUE, OR YOU CAN ASK MY ASSISTANT IF IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO COME DOWN TO BENIN REPUBLIC TO RECEIVE YOUR CHEQUE. SO DISCUSE WITH MY ASSISTANT AND WHAT EVER HE TOLD YOU TRY AND COMPLY WITH HIM, MEAN WHILE WHEN EVER AM ABLE TO PUT MY SCAN IN OTHER I WILL TRY AND RE-SEND TO YOU A PHOTO OF ME, MEAN WHILE COMPLY WITH MY ASSISTANT SO THAT YOUR CHEQUE CAN BE SENT TO YOU.
WAITING A GOODNEWS FROM YOU.
REGARDS AND REMAIN BLESS
MR SAM.

[In fact it's possible that the "assistant" is the "boss".
The 'small boy' generally sends out the first scam-o-gram.
The next guy tries to be the closer.]

Eliza Dane
Sam,
You really, really need lessons in netiquette. Writing all in CAPITAL LETTERS is the equivalent of shouting. It's really rude to shout at friends, isn't it?
But let's get down to cases - I still don't know why the fuck you'd put a time limit on a cheque. I get paid for my modelling via cheques (it ain't a cash in hand business, believe you me), and they don't put time limits on them. Just tell me why!
Anyhoo - I'll contact Weasel Sam - though I think he doesn't deserve my time - and in the meantime here's another pic for your collection; one of the pix AJ shot in Queensland.
Now imagine me in front of an exotic temple in India.
Eat your heart out, Elle!
Eliza

[I attach a different shot of Sophie Monk, this one looking particularly beautiful on a beach, with just a hint of bare shoulder. What now, mugu?]

Eliza Dane

[If I can't set up Sam for an airport wait, let's see if I can set up the other Sam for a safari, to South Africa perhaps...]

Mr Ewele Sam,
Two things: [1] Sam told me that the cheque has a time limit on it. Please confirm this. If this is true, you should have told me! [2] I'd suggested that he and I meet in India so I could get the cheque, but he said that there was no point since you had it, and you're in Benin. Well, I looked up about Benin, and to be honest - I don't want to go there.
Mr Sam,
I don't want to have this cheque delivered to me, there's going to be too many questions - especially from the tax man! And you can guarantee that if some diplomat turns up at my door to give me an envelope, questions will follow!
So, I'd like to meet somewhere else - but Benin just makes me nervous. Is there anywhere else we can meet?
In Africa, that is - I don't want to force you to travel too far.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
I RECIEVED YOUR MAIL INCLUDING YOUR BEATHFUL PICTURE THEREIN. WELL MY I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT AFRICA AND YOUR PLACE ARE NOT THE SAME I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT THE ONE THAT PUT EXPIRING DATE ON YOUR CHEQUE AND I ONLY WANT YOU TO HURRY BEFORE THEY WILL ABOUNDON YOUR CHEQUE AND WHEN THEY ABOUNDON IT,IT WILL BE HARD FOR YOU TO GET IT BACK. SO CONTACT MY ASSISTANT NOW FOR YOUR OWN GOOD OK.
THERE IS SOME THING I WILL LET YOU KNOW BUT NOT NOW IT SHOULD BE LATER.
YOUR FRIEND,
SAM
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Don't have a cow man; I've got in touch with Weasel Sam.
But who the fuck issued your cheque, and who's the cocksucker who stamped an expiry date on it? I'd have thought there'd be less in the way of regulation over there. Well, live and learn, I guess. And if I ever get an assignment in Africa, I must remember to check out the cheques very closely in case some scumbag has left a surprise...
I'm trying to see if Ewele Sam will agree to meet me outside Benin. It looks pretty bad from what I've read - most of Africa seems to be divided between basket cases and hell holes. I'll be in touch.
And before I go, two things - one, where's your photo - and two - please stop SHOUTING at me!
Eliza
Sam Adimorah

[He loves Eliza. Aw, how mushy is that...]

DEAR ELIZA,
I RECIEVED YOUR MAIL ANDTHE CONTENT THEREIN. MY DEAR ELIZA I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DO NOT LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE TALKING TO ME EVEN MY SECRETARY SAID THE SAME THING PLEASE AND PLEASE YOU HAVE TO GIVE A RESPECT BECAYSE I DESERVE IT OK.
AS I SAID BEFORE I AM NOT HE ONE PUT EXPIRING DATE ON YOUR CHEQUE BUT THAT IS NOT THE PROBLEM, BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD THAT THE EXPIRING HE, I MEAN MY SECRETARY IS THAT WHEN THEY FORGET ABOUT IT THEY WILL NOT HAVE TIME TO COME BACK FOR IT AGAIN AS AFRICA THEY ARE SO YOU HAVE TO HURRY UP. AGAIN I PROMISE YOU THAT I WILL NOT SHOUT AT YOU AGAIN IF I DID AND I PROMISE YOU THAT ONCE I AM THROUGH WITH MY SCANING MECHINE I MUST SEND YOU MY PICTURE AND I BELIEVE THAT IT WILL BE OK ON MORNDAY OR THUSDAY. SO DO NOT WORRY I MUST SEND IT FOR YOU OK. I LOVE YOU
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
YOUR FRIEND,
SAM.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Please stop SHOUTING. You know I hate that...
You say you don't like the way I talk. Well... I talk the way I do because I don't hold back. I tell things the way they are. If that means using strong language, that's my way. Deal with it.
You say I have to give you respect. Well, Sam,
respect runs both ways. You asked me to help you with your dream of riches - I said yes - I supplied $5000 to help, with promises of a $5 million payout. It's just as well I never ordered the matching set of His-and-Her Harleys... because you dropped out of sight. Then you return, with more promises, of a smaller return. Sam, you get respect, if you show me respect. Don't hurt me. That's what I ask.
Let's clear something up - Ewele Sam had the cheque issued with a cut-off date. Given it's my fucking money, he had no right to do that, but anyway... what's stopping him from having the stupid thing re-issued without the cut-off date, as anyone with half a brain would have done to start with?
"WHEN THEY FORGET ABOUT IT THEY WILL NOT HAVE TIME TO COME BACK FOR IT AGAIN AS AFRICA THEY ARE" - Sam, what the fuck are you talking about?
You say you love me - you said that once before - and then there was silence. I don't want that to happen again.
Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
I real sorry for not understanding you now i understand that shouting at you, you mean is writing every thing in chapital letter i am so for don it again ok sorry.Y ou know we Africans does not do like yours.so i promise you that i would do it again.
Sam
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Apology noted and accepted.
I don't think getting the Cap Lock stuck is an African thing - shit, I'd be a racist if I thought that, and I'm not - but never mind now. Unless that missing 'not' is your way of warning of some more shouting later...?
Nothing from Ewele Sam on my suggestion. He ain't helping with the deadline, y'know!
Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Many thanks for your mail, your mail was received and well noted, please bear with me and forgive me for my past mistake, I promise it will never happen again. As you can see I have every trust in you, even from the very first day I conatcted you, and am still mentaining that trust, I will strongly advise you to comply with my secretary so that he can send you the draft which I left for you.
And after you might have receive your draft from my secretary do get back to me, and I promise you that I will still give you more money for your past effot I promise.

As it may please you to know, like I told you in my previouse mail, that I have something to tell you, I still have a friend of mine whos is seeking for assistance to transfer the some of $7.5M usd belonging to is late client who is now deceased.

Am only telling you this due to the trust I have in you, so do get back to me for more details if you are interested to do the business with him, so that I will give you more directives on how to contact him. Already I have told him of you and he has promise to work with you only if you will promise him that his own shear of the money will be made available to him when the money is been transfferd into your account and also keep the transaction only to your self and do not disclose the transaction to anybody.
I have already told him that I have known you for so many years now that you are a woman of your word, so is now waiting to hearing from you concerning the transaction.
That is why I said let me made known to you first to know your mind.
So kindly get back to me to know your mind.
Regards and remaing highly bless.
Mr Sam.

What the Hel is this about?
Is Sam trying to palm off Eliza onto some other Lad? Surely not!

So Sam is trying to get Eliza onto a second scam...
Nothing left for it; time to suck it and see!

Eliza Dane
Sam,
I'm trying to work with Ewele Sam,
but he's a bit slow on the keyboard - nothing yet.
Of course that means that he hasn't told me the expiry date on the cheque yet - which is to say the least, fucking annoying.
I'm not sure what to make of your, er, job offer. Is it the same sort of deal, same percentages? And will he actually stick with me when the deal's up and running? You know what I'm saying!
If the answers are yes, set the wheels turning.
BTW - how is your scanner?
Eliza
Ewele Sam
Dear Eliza Dane,
Am in receipt of your mail, if you can not come to benin, I still have a friend in Ghana and you can come there so we will meet there to enable you collect your draft. Do kindly let me know if Ghana will be ok for us to meet, but remember you will be required to pay the insurance fee to avoid any problem when you receive your draft.
Urgently waiting for your mail.
Mr Ewele Sam.
Eliza Dane
Mr Ewele Sam,
About time!
I looked up Ghana, and it looks a little less threatening than Benin, but I have to know two things - one, how long do I have to arrange getting there, and two, will you actually be there to hand the cheque over? I don't want any more people to know about this than absolutely have to.
Also - what's this insurance fee and how much are we talking about?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
Dear Eliza Dane,
Thanks for your mail, am a man of my word, I have not told anybody about your draft, the only people who knows about this draft is only you my boss and I, so you can count on me for that, am a man of secret.
I have been able to check the expiring date of your draft, as it may please you to know your draft expiring date is on the August 17 2006.
I will be very happy to welcome you to Ghana and to shaking hands with you, honestly I will be more than happy to make friend or even meet with a white lady, As to what you are asking me concerning when you should be coming over to Ghana, you are the one to decide that for your self, all you have to do is get me informed the actually day/month or date that is going to be convenience for you and am ready to welcome you anytime.
The insurance I mean is for security reasons and it will only cost you between the sum of $1550. So kindly let me know when you want to start coming over to Ghana so that I will start making arrangement for your arrival and don't forget to send to me your flight shedule.
Best Regards
Mr Ewele Sam.
Eliza Dane

[Eliza is being rather polite. Trust me - it won't last...]

Mr Sam,
Good for you. That's what I like to hear.
I'll have to take care of business first - AJ arranged a photoshoot at Uluru in ten days, which doesn't leave much time for arranging travel. There is some stuff you can do for me - where I should travel to exactly, accommodation, anything worth seeing (I need a cover story for AJ) - Lonely Planet doesn't give you everything. That $1550 is a bit annoying - I sent Sam $5000, he should cover that. It's not your hassle though. I'll be in touch.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
Dear Eliza Dane,
Thank you very mush for your updating. Well there is no problem so whenever you are ready to come just inform me accomodation is not problem everything will be ok.
concern the insurance coverage i want you to understand that this is your money and you do not have to play with your personal use. For the project he has i dont think that he has a lot to spend i just advise you to do every thing by yourself so that there will be no problem. but when both of you met i believe he must pay you back once he is through with his project.
But if you like you can contact him concern that.
Thanks and God bless.
ewele
Sam Adimorah
Dear Sister Eliza,
How are you today, I receive your mail, do not worry everything is under control, I will call my secretary and have everything work out fine, and find out why is he not responding very fast to you. Meanwhile am assuring you that everything is under control you have nothing to be worried off, I have perfected every arrengement. I want you to strongly count on me, my friend is a very good man and a trustworthy person, so you have nothing to be afraid of concerning your own shear of the money. Am going to give you my friend email address for you to contact him and proceeds with him immediately because he already knows about you.
I have told my friend all about you, so all you have to do now is to contact him with his email address below Contact name: Mr Aroh Edy.Telephone: 234 8032304825Email: arohedy_2@ yahoo.co.uk. Mr Aroh Edy was my school mate I have known him for so many years now and I can tell much about him so feel free and contact him for more discussion on how to move ahead.
Please bear with me there are still working on my scanner and by saturday everything will be fine and i will scan my photo and send to you. Kindly update me once you contact Mr Aroh Edy. Regards and remain highly bless.
RegardsMr Sam.
Eliza Dane

[OK then, let's get this new guy on the hook too.]

Mr Edy,
Sam Adimorah said I should get in touch with you. He also said you know what it's all about. Regards,
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA DANE,
YOUR FRIEND MR SAM TOLD ME OF YOU, HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT YOU ARE TRUSTWORTHY, PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I CAN TRUST YOU, HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAS KNOWN YOU FOR SOME YEARS NOW. Sam IS A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE AND I KNOW THAT HE CAN NEVER DECEIVE ME.

I AM MR. AROH EDY, THE BILLS AND EXCHANGE DIRECTOR AT THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE DEPARTMENT OF GOLF BANK LIMITED I AM WRITING THIS LETTER TO SOLICIT FOR SUPPORT AND ASSISTANCE FROM YOU TO CARY OUT THIS BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY IN MY DEPARTMENT.

LYING IN AN INACTIVE ACCOUNT IS THE SUM OF $10.5MILLION usd BELONGING TO A FOREIGN CUSTOMER MR THOMAS MCCULLOCH, WHO HAPPENS TO BE DECEASED. HE DIED WITH HIS WIFE AND TWO CHILDREN IN A PLANE CRASH ON BOARD AN ADC AIRLINE FLIGHT AT THE EGIRIN RIVER IN NOVEMBER 1999... EVER SINCE HE DIED THE BANK HAS BEEN EXPECTING HIS NEXT OF KIN TO COME AND CLAIM THESE FUNDS. TO THIS EFFECT WE CAN NOT RELEASE THE MONEY UNLESS SOMEONE APPLIES FOR IT AS NEXT OF KIN, AS INDICATED IN OUR BANKING GUIDE LINE.

UNFORTUNATELY HE HAS NO FAMILY MEMBERS IN NIGERIA OR ANYWHERE WHO IS AWARE OF THE EXISTENCE OF THE MONEY (AS HE WAS A CONTRACTOR WITH THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC) AT THIS JUNCTURE I HAVE DECIDED TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU IN COLLABORATION WITH TWO OTHER OFFICIALS IN THE BANK, TO THIS EFFECT WE SOLICIT YOUR HELP IN APPLYING AS THE NEXT OF KIN THEN THE MONEY WILL BE RELEASED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. WE DO NOT WANT THIS MONEY TO GO INTO THE BANKS TREASURY AS AN UNCLAIMED BILL. THE BANKING LAW AND GUIDE LINE STIPULATES THAT: IF SUCH MONEY(S) REMAINS UNCLAIMED FOR A PERIOD OF OVER SEVEN YEARS (7 YEARS) THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED IN TO THE BANKS TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED FUNDS OUR REQUEST FOR A FOREIGNER AS NEXT OF KIN IS OCCASIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER AND AND AFRICAN CANNOT STAND AS NEXT OF KIN. 30 PERCENT OF THE MONEY WILL BE YOUR SHARE AS FOREIGN PARTNER. THEREAFTER MY COLLEAGUES AND I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY WITH YOUR HELP ONCE THE MONEY HITS YOUR ACCOUNT FOR DISBURSEMENT ACCORDING TO THE AGREED SHARING PARTTERN OF 30 FOR YOU,10% FOR INCIDENTAL EXPENSES BOTH LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL AND 60% FOR MY GROUP YOUR URGENT RESPONSE IS BEIGN EXPECTED. THANKS AND BEST Regards,
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.

[Sam told Aroh Edy that Eliza would never deceive him. Sam is cruising for a bruising...
A Dead Bank Customer - at least they could have involved Eliza in something more creative!]

Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Edy,
You can trust me - what I'd like from you is a guarantee that you won't leave me hanging the way Sam did once. He's putting things right, but it was a bit of a let-down...
And while we're here - could you please in future not put everything in CAPITAL LETTERS. It's a netiquette thing - putting everything in Caps is the equivalent of shouting. OK?
Now, to business - looks pretty straightforward. What happens next?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear Eliza Dane,
I thank you immensely for your response and willingness to carry out this transaction. I contacted you to help repatriate this fund left behind by our late client who is now deceased.
Am a man of my word and my word is my bond, I promise you that i will never ever betray you and you should promise me the same too.
Having gone through my first letter you will discover how this sum of money came about and the reason for transferring to your account, I want you to count on me on this task ahead; I am going to protect your interest and that of mine hence you are going to follow my instruction. I am ready to transact these deal with you after my consultation with my influential friends in the bank who has promised me of their assistance and I have gone through your email times with out number you sounded professional and matured. Having said above, I must tell you that I have accepted to carry out this deal along with you for trusting whom you have not seen before and I promise to give you my best to active a long lasting relationship with you.
This message is to acknowledge the receipt of your willingness to this transaction and I have accepted to move ahead with you.Also would like to know your business, your age as well. This transaction will be carried out with normal banking procedure and I want you to count on me, and I am going to give you the entire documents which will be backdated in your favour to stand you as the relative to the deceased, I will take my time to get all paper work ready and I will tell you what to do. Please this business need absolute confidential, you should not tell anybody until we active our claim.
Once again, I thank you more especially for honoring my email despite the fact that you have not met me before, I promise also pray that God almighty who touched your heart to accept this offer will continue to bless, guide you and your family in every endeavor of your life.
I need you now to provide to us with your address,Direct contact telephone and fax numbers when responding to this mail for easy and effective communication, You should call me on my direct private telephone Number: 234 8032304825 for more details and explanation on the modalities of this business.
Please acknowledge this message by sending me your address direct contact telephone number; I will give you more details on how to move ahead. I have attached my international passport and my wife picture for you to know whom you are dealing with.
Thanks and remain bless.
Mr Aroh Edy.

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Clear as day - let's trust each other and get this deal done and dusted. You have my word that I'll play straight with you. Just return the favour and we'll be fine.
Business? Not much of one I'm afraid. Sam should have given you the details - part-time botany student and aspiring model. Didn't he show you my portfolio? Ask him about it. I'm 22 years old (23 in August). Actually on that note, Sam should have given you the whole package. He has all my contact details, ask him. I don't know why he didn't fill you in on that, I told him all those things.
I even sent him money for his project. He should have done more for you - may Loki steal his wits for not helping his old friend! Oh, and your God wouldn't tell me squat, since I'm not a Christian. Father Odin fills us with wisdom, and He gave me the go-ahead. Just remember that. Finally - I got the passport; but Holy Mother Frigga, it's tiny! I could cover it with a postage stamp!
The man I'm dealing with is apparently very small and blurry. Send it again, and make it bigger, willya? Your wife's pic was there - and to be frank, I'm not impressed. She seems to have hired something Joan Collins dumped.
Like I said, speak to Sam. He should have told you already. Regards,
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear Eliza Dane,
Thanks for your mail, I have hard all you have said, truly Sam already told me of you, but I still need you to re-confirm those informations as stated by your self to enable us proceed.
Please provide those information again to me.
1, Your Direct cell phone number.
2, Your address.
Urgently waiting for your response.
Regards
Mr Aroh.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
My address is 35 Westmoreland Grove, Glebe, Sydney. My cellphone would be useless to you as it's set to receive only local calls. Sam should have told you that!
Are you going to send me a bigger picture? And what happens now?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear Eliza Dane,
many thanks for your mail. Thanks, I appreciate your urgent response to my business proposal. In furtherance to our earlier business proposal in which you indicated your positive disposition in assisting me to actualize this worthwhile transaction, I hereby write to furnish you with details on the steps/procedures we shall adopt to ensure the smooth implementation of this transaction. In this Regards, I expect your absolute cooperation and confidentiality. This business is based on trust and it is genuine, 100% save and risk free on your part provided you treat it with utmost secrecy and confidentiality. I have reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not disappoint me. Please find below the entire procedures/steps we have to follow to ensure a successful conclusion of this transaction.
STEP (1): We are going to request the services of a lawyer (accredited) who will help us apply for claim and also he will help us in getting approvals from High Court that will instruct the bank to make transfer to the next of kin (You) in other words he has to process all the relevant documents concerning these claims and also change them to your favor as the next of kin.
He will also obtain for an order of mandamus from the Federal High court of Justice on your behalf recognizing you as a bona-fide relative to the deceased and subsequently apply for the release of the funds to you as the beneficiary, through the Golf bank Plc.
STEP (I1): Firstly, you are required to provide us with your full information for us to know more about you.
STEP (111): Upon receipt of the information, we shall commence immediate operation on the transaction by processing all necessary documentation to front you as the next of kin.
Take note that all relevant documentations would be legally and legitimately processed.
Make sure that entire information you provide must be straight forward to avoid discrepancies in process of transferring this fund into your designated account.
Note: Before all of this I will forward to you a letter which you are going to transcribed with your company letter paper asking George Rotimi to represent you in getting your fund out of golf bank.
I will also provide to you all information that will prove to George Rotimi that you are the rightful/relative to the next of kin to the deceased.
A Certificate of Deposit made in favor of the (Deceased) and his Deposit Certificate with Golf Bank Limited. while other information's will be procured by the lawyer whom you are going to appoint. I will lead you in what ever question you might receive either from the lawyer or from the bank. Please feel free to ask any question! Please give me a call as soon as you receive this message on 234-8032304825 Thank you once again for your time and acceptance.
Finally, note: we should move on with this transaction by first sending to you a letter of representation to the. George Rotimi (SAN) lawyer who will stand by you, don't forget that you should not mention of my relationship with you to anybody either the lawyer or anybody in the bank considering my position in the bank.
Please get back to me as soon as you receive this message. I will still re-send you my international passport, but for now that is just the size of my passport.
Thanks very much.
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane

[Now to rule out phone calls. That confidentiality modality is a real help here...]

Dear Mr Edy,
Well, you certainly laid it out for me. Let me guess; you were school mates with Sam; so you were the one who did his homework, right?
OK, you get a lawyer - fine, no problems. I have no idea what an order of mandamus is, but I guess it must be important.
Now, you want to know more about me - Thor's beard, I thought you and Sam were old buddies! He should have given you everything I told him! He's even got some of my portfolio!
Moving on to this Golf Bank (does Tiger Woods have an account there? : )) - you talk about company letter paper; what company? I don't have a company.
As for ringing you - well, you want utmost secrecy and confidentiality, right? In this household, you might as well be asking for the moon. You can bet your ass that I'd be overheard and then there'd be questions and prying. One of the girls would be on the other extension just like that, and adios all secrets. At least email can't be overheard.
I'm sorry to be such a pain, but Father Odin tells us all to be always open and frank with those that we trust.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Shame on you - way past Saturday and no pic!
But what's getting me down is how you left your old mate Aroh Edy out to dry. How come he has to ask me for my info? You still have it don't you?
Regards,
Eliza
Aroh Edy

[Now we get the details of Aroh Edy's scam... ]

Dear Eliza Dane,
Many thanks for your mail.
please we need to build trust, and you will promise me you won't sit on this funds when the funds is transferd to you, and that you will keep this deal only to your self until this funds have been transferd to you.
I also know as well as you do that you are in No way related to the Late Mr Thomas.Mcculloch but we want you to assist us and act as the next of kin as to receive this Funds into your Account for shareing According to the proposed sharing Ration of 30% of the $18m for your assistance and co-opration 60% of the $18m for my other two colleagues and I, the Initiators of this business while 10% has been set aside for any incidental expenses in the course of this transaction. but the truth is that it is the wish of God that I found you and we are all going to reap from this deal remember that God helps those who help themselfs. so this is our chance and opportunity to make it in life.
I hope my trust in you will not be betrayed. what is taxation like in your country, what are the possibilities of investment opportunities in your country.
Please find below the application letter which you are going to send to. George Rotimi (SAN) on rotimichambers1970@yahoo.co.uk

I am ...... Mcculloch, related to MR. Thomas. Mcculloch (Late) who died, along with his entire family, in November 1999, in a plane crash in Lagos, Nigeria. I believe that I am the only surviving next-of-kin. Ever since his death I have been finding it hard to claim his estate of $18MILLION usd, which is with Golf Bank Nigeria, Plc. I was referred to you by one of my family friend in Nigeria who has even tried to help us in claiming the estate, but unfortunately I was not privileged to meet you in person. I am ........ years of age and find it increasingly difficult to travel. I am working in ............., and must let you know that even buying an air ticket to come to Nigeria in person is beyond my ability until the MR.Thomas Mcculloch (Late) estate is settled. I hope that you could represent me in getting his fund transferred from Golf Bank to my Account. As a foreigner, my efforts so far to have the estate claimed have been to no avail and your assistance is needed by our family to elevate the hardship case as a result of the death of my relative.
Sir, let me know what you need or required so that I may forward them to you for verification of our claim. Every document concerning this claim is intact, and I will present them to you when required for your record. If you are willing to assist me, please respond by e-mail or you call me on .......as soon as possible. I will give you all other contact information, fax number, and my full information at your request.
Thank you for your attention, hoping to hear from you soon. send this to him immediately and get back to me, we must fasting up to get this concluded soon.
Yours very truly,
Your Name here...... Mcculloch (For the Family)

Waiting for an update
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
If Sam showed you the pictures I sent him, you'll know that I'm blonde. Newsflash; I'm not stupid. That letter you wrote for me to send is just dumb. The main thing is; why should I have to be a McCulloch to be a relative of this McCulloch guy? Couldn't I be a niece, or cousin? Actually - what could I be? How old was Thomas McCulloch? Are we talking 40-year-old, 60-year-old, what? We have to get these things right.
Tell me about Thomas McCulloch so I can make it read OK.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear Eliza Dane,
Thanks for your mail, you can send the application letter to the lawyer, claiming to be Mr Thomas cousin or any of his relative, there will not be any problem with that ok.
Mr Thomas was 52years before he died, you can also apply in which ever way you want to apply, immediately contact the lawyer and apply to enable him commence.
Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Edy,
OK, I'll be his niece. Should work.
Poor Uncle Tom...
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear Eliza Dane,
Yes that will work, there is no problem with that, just send the form as Mr Thomas niece.
Waiting to hearing from you.
Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Just a note to say that you haven't been forgotten - I leave tomorrow for Uluru with AJ and Cheryl - should be back in a week or so.
Once that's done it should be OK to plan for the trip.
How are you keeping?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Rotimi. I am Eliza Dane, the niece of the late Mr. Thomas Mcculloch who died, along with his entire family, in November 1999 in a plane crash in Lagos, Nigeria.
I believe that I am the only surviving next-of-kin. Ever since his death I have been finding it hard to claim his estate of $18MILLION usd, which is with Golf Bank Nigeria, Plc.
I was referred to you by a family friend in Nigeria who has even tried to help in claiming the estate, but unfortunately I was not privileged to meet you in person.
I am 22 years old and working in the fashion industry. Travelling to Nigeria in person is not possible and will remain so until my uncle's estate is settled. I hope that you could represent me in getting his fund transferred from Golf Bank to my Account. As a foreigner, my efforts so far to have the estate claimed have been to no avail and your assistance is needed.
Sir, let me know what you need or required so that I may forward them to you for verification of our claim. Every document concerning this claim is intact, and I will present them to you when required for your record. If you are willing to assist me, please respond by e-mail as soon as possible. I will give you my full information at your request.
Thank you for your attention.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Edy,
Done and dusted. I had to change a couple of things - I don't have a family (you should have remembered that) and I couldn't include the line about "I am ........ years of age and find it increasingly difficult to travel. I am working in ............., and must let you know that even buying an air ticket to come to Nigeria in person is beyond my ability until the MR.Thomas Mcculloch (Late) estate is settled"; I'm 22; it makes me sound more like 66. Given my line of work, crying poor sounds just wrong. I just told Mr Rotimi that I couldn't travel.
Eliza Dane

[Here comes the lawyer. There's a surprise - he gets the sum in question wrong.]

George Rotimi
From the desk of Barrister George Rotimi (SAN)
45 whare house road apapa lagos Nigeria
George Rotimi (SAN)
For: George chambers. E-mail:rotimichambers1970@yahoo.co.uk
TEL: 234 8053602473
Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam,
Re: Inheritance Claim valued 26.5m dollars In Furtherance to your email of yesterday Thur, 1st June 2006, asking us to stand as your legal representative with the above subject.
Before we proffer any detailed advice however, we will need certain information about what you are talking. As a preliminary point, please provide us with the following:
(1) Provide his Death Certificate.
(2) Provide his Deposit Certificate with Golf Bank Nigeria Limited.
With these said documents, we shall proceed to make all necessary findings as to your claim.
Once this is established, we shall send you detailed procedure on how we shall go about it including our fees. If you are his closest surviving relative, it simplifies matters and we can procure a lot of vital information on your behalf in a relatively short time.
In any event, the first step is to find out whether he, late MR.Thomas Mcculloch made a WILL. Quite often, TESTATORS deposit copies of their WILLS at the Probate Registry in the High Court of the State in which they reside. Once you ascertain which State he resided in Nigeria, (perhaps Lagos) we can make enquiries at the Probate Registry and advise you on our discoveries as a WILL is a public document and this will be a straightforward task. We look forward to receiving these documents from you. Be that as it may, we shall carry out our investigation as to your claims and inform you of our findings, However, having gone through your message it is clear that you have evidence of proof that such claim is with Golf bank, if yes, kindly forward to us this identification, before we write to Golf bank on this matter we must include the account reference number of your relation (late). Why Golf bank did refuse to transfer the inheritance to the next of kin, did they tell you the reason? Please if you want us to carry out this job you must send to us this two documents by MR.Thomas Mcculloch, this will help us so much in getting this estate paid to you with immediate effect. Once we have all this evidence I assure you before 4 working days your inheritance will be paid, our services are moderate and you can pay for our professional service once you receive your inheritance but before we forge ahead our consultation fee will be made to enable us open your file with George chambers.
Thanks very much for picking us as your lawyer to this respect while we assuring you of professional representation.
Yours Faithfully,
George Rotimi (SAN)
This document is intended only for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain information that is priviledged, confidential from disclosure under applicable law. If you are not the intended recepient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please disregard it.

[Honest mistake or some sort of test? I decided to call it.]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Here's what the barrister wrote back - and the next step is? BTW, I asked about $18 million, he said $26.5 million - that's a shit load of interest! Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Rotimi,
Thank you for your time.
I'll get back to you once I can find what you need.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
Dear Eliza Dane,
Thanks for your mail, well I am fine, am just worried as I have not heard from you since, but am a little bit releif now that I have hard from you.
Remember your cheque is still with me, and I asure you that your draft is 100% save here with me you can count on me for that.
Regards and have a wonderful weekend.
Ewele.
Aroh Edy
Dear Eliza Dane,
Thanks for your update, the lawyer must be mistaking something, remember no body is above mistake, so forgive the lawyer for is mistake.
I will send the certificates to you by monday, so I want you to kindly send an email to the lawyer and notify him that you will be sending to him the certificates by monday, that you are unable to send it today, due to your scanner was bad. and get back to me for update.
Regards and remain bless.
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Rotimi,
I can get the documents to you, but it's not going to be before Tuesday most likely - our scanner is on the fritz and it'll have to be repaired.
Bear with me please.
Also, I'm a little puzzled about the figure of $26.5 million that you quoted - I don't know where you got it from because I specifically mentioned $18 million.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I sent Mr Rotimi this: "I can get the documents to you, but it's not going to be before Tuesday most likely - our scanner is on the fritz and it'll have to be repaired. Bear with me please. Also, I'm a little puzzled about the figure of $26.5 million that you quoted - I don't know where you got it from because I specifically mentioned $18 million." Over to you now.
We're currently resting after a day of location scouting around Uluru. The real work starts tomorrow.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
Am very happy to receive this mail from you, that shows that we are making progress.
Please find below the two attached documents requested by the attorney, download before re-attaching to the attorney but before that do go through the documents and see the content to enable you understand the line up.
Note, that all the documents must be change in your name and that is why we contacted George Rotimi he will change all the documents in your favour that is why we contacted him to help change all the documents in your name as the only beneficiary of the funds.
Send to him the certificates immediately, and you will promise us that you will not sit on this Funds when the funds is being transfferd to you.
Waiting for more update from you and have a wonderful day.
Regards,
Mr Aroh.


[So, "we are making progress" - no, just me!]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
You said "By Monday", what's the holdup?
Eliza
Aroh Edy
Dear Eliza Dane,
I have send the certificate to you since monday, am sending it to you again, please confirm if you receive it and immediately send them to the lawyer.
I await your urgent response.
Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I got three messages with the attachments all at once - must have been a server glitch.
OK. I'll send the paperwork along.
BTW, you promised to send your passport at a proper size - what happened?
Eliza Dane

[I rename two dll files and send them on as the deposit certificate and the death certificate. He won't be able to see anything... this should chew up some time and cause him annoyance.]

Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Rotimi,
Here are the documents that you need.
Over to you.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
George Rotimi

[WTF? He didn't even glance at them!]

Dear Madam.
We are pleased to inform you that we have received the Deposite Certificate and death certificate of late Mr.Thomas Mcculloch, with Golf Bank Nigeria Limited. We have made our verification with the Probate Registry this morning to ascertain if your late relation has a WILL that is kept with the Probate Registry. We are sorry to inform you that we are unable to establish that he has a WILL and as such, it is evidently clear that he left no WILL. Putting this into consideration, the fact now before us is that your relation died in-testate without a WILL. However, from our preliminary investigation, you have a genuine claim as our Law Firm has been able to establish your inheritance claim with Golf Bank Nigeria Limited at 12 Olayinka Street, off Broad Street Victoria Island, Lagos-Nigeria. Be that as it may, it will please you to know that we have concluded our verification as regards your claim to an inheritance of US$18M. Our investigation revealed, that there is indeed a deposited sum of the same mentioned amount with Golf Bank Nigeria Limited. The amount has been deposited since the year 1997 by one Mr.Thomas Mcculloch (now deceased).
It will also please you to know that the amount in question, has yielded reasonable interest on the principal. As at last month, it has generated an interest of close to US$250,000.00. Thus, the total sum in the account right now is US$18.250,000.
When I filed papers to verify the state of the account this Morning, the Director General, Audit Department of Golf Bank Nigeria Limited told me that they were only waiting for the end of the present fiscal year before they will declare the account as an unclaimed and unserviceable, and then the money is transferred into the bank's treasury. According to the Director General, he was very pleased to know that the next of kin has now decided to come forward for the claim. I strongly think that I should say that you are a very lucky person, otherwise, according to him, you would have forfeited the money. You must act fast now.
I will need the sum of US$2,500,00 (Two thousand, five hundred United States Dollars only) to file all the necessary papers to ensure that the funds (inheritance claim) gets transferred into your nominated bank account within the next three to four working days. (The break down of the statutory fees of US$2,500,00 is as follows:
(1). Application forms from probate registry-----US$300
(2). Processing fee at probate registry---- US$500
(3). Beneficiary payment form processing at consolidated revenue department of Nigeria---US$600
(4). Affidavit as to next of kin to be sworn on your behalf at the lagos state probate high court of Nigeria-------US$600
(5). Notarisation on letter of administration --- US$500

Please do note however, that my professional fee of 1.5% of the total sum would be remitted into an account I will give you. This sum should be paid 48 hours after your account has been credited. We have to give you the detailed breakdown as above considering the time constrain. Please make payment through the account section of our law firm by Western Union Money Transfer with the name of the Head of Account of our chambers as below:
RECEIVERS NAME: DOMINIC UDEZUE.
21 WAREHOUSE ROAD APAPA LAGOS NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION: COLOUR
TEXT ANSWER: GREEN
If you can make the payment today I will start processing your claim with Golf bank and before 4 working days confirmation will be made to your bank account Remember to send to us the Western Union Money Transfer 10 didgit control numbers.
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,
George Rotimi (SAN)
Eliza Dane

[Well, that didn't work. OK, plan B - the invoice.]

Dear Mr Rotimi,
Cool! I think you guys charge an awful lot for paperwork though. Still, who am I to argue?
However, before I pay up I'll need an invoice.
Thanx.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
George Rotimi

[Another lawyer with invoice problems... this should be easy!
He also wants Eliza to hurry. They never do explain why...]

Dear Madam.
Thanks for your mail, in respect of your mail, I don't think that the money is to high for the paper work, please Madam, what kind of invoice do you need? we have already giving you information on how to send the payment through western union money transfer and as soon as you make the payment we will commence on getting the paper work ready and will send you copies of the paper work before summiting to the bank.Please make payment through the account section of our law firm by Western Union Money Transfer with the name of the Head of Account of our chambers as below:
RECEIVERS NAME: DOMINIC UDEZUE.
21 WAREHOUSE ROAD
APAPA LAGOS NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION: COLOUR
TEXT ANSWER: GREEN
If you can make the payment today I will start processing your claim with Golf bank and before 4 working days confirmation will be made to your bank account Remember to send to us the Western Union Money Transfer 10 didgit control numbers.
I will advise you to make the payment immediately to enable us commence on getting the paper work ready, that will instruct the bank to make transfer to your bank account, remember you must act very fast.
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,
George Rotimi (SAN)
Eliza Dane
Mr Rotimi,
Well of course you wouldn't think the fee was too high - it wasn't really a point I was going to labour, but hey...
What kid of invoice? Well, the kind that comes on your official notepaper, with headings and dates and signatures, saying in official terms what this $2500 is for. You know - that kind of invoice!
Final note - "remember you must act very fast" - why?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
We should be finished in Uluru tomorrow and back in Sydney by late Sunday. I can get started on my preps then.
Have you heard from Sam Adimorah? He hasn't replied to my last two emails - I'm starting to get flashbacks, tell him I'd like to hear from him (and has he got his fucking scanner fixed!)
Eliza Dane
George Rotimi

[WTF? He sent the invoice? This is wrong!]

Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
Attached is the invoice, Please make payment through the account section of our law firm by Western Union Money Transfer with the name of the Head of Account of our chambers as below: RECEIVERS NAME: DOMINIC UDEZUE
. 21 WAREHOUSE ROAD APAPA LAGOS NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION: COLOUR
TEXT ANSWER: GREEN
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,
George Rotimi (SAN)

Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, I have been very worried since I have not heard from you for some days now, what is going on? have you send the certificates to the lawyer?
Please let me hear from you soonest.
Regards and have a wonderful weekend.
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane

[I have to delay matters while I work out how to prolong the bait.]

Mr Edy,
I didn't mean to stress you out - calm down, dude. I would have contacted you yesterday but I was very tired after returning from Uluru and I have a chill after coming from hot central Oz to Sydney (fucking cold). Anyhoo - I sent the paperwork on to the barrister, he promised me an invoice (he had to ask why - weird), but he hasn't come up with the goods yet.
I'll give him a reminder now. That is, of course, assuming we don't have another server glitch.
BTW, why is it that you and Sam both leave me hanging with pix? Sam still hasn't sent me the pix he promised, and neither have you!
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Rotimi,
Did you send the invoice?
Nothing has arrived as yet.
Eliza Dane
George Rotimi
Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
I have forwarded the invoice which you requested to you, and am still attaching it to you to enable you make sure that you receive it.
We are still waiting for the payment to enable us commence work immediately.
Please make payment through the account section of our law firm by Western Union Money Transfer with the name of the Head of Account of our chambers as below:
RECEIVERS NAME: DOMINIC UDEZUE.
21 WAREHOUSE ROAD APAPA LAGOS NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION: COLOUR
TEXT ANSWER: GREEN
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,
George Rotimi (SAN)

[Damn it - well, I'll have to keep stalling him somehow...]

Eliza Dane
Mr Rotimi,
Wouldn't you know it? Three arrived all at once. Fucking crap servers...
The problem with all three is that they've got a basic spelling mistake. Update; I don't live in Syndey. I think Syndey's a doll, like Barbi or something. I live in Sydney. I don't think it'll past muster if my address is wrong.
Put it right and I'll see to the job.
Eliza Dane

When a Lad starts spouting platitudes, it gets annoying...]

Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today and how was your weekend, am very happy to hear that you have sent the certificates to the lawyer, that shows we are making a great progress.
Please make sure you comply with the lawyer, and what ever the lawyer ask you that you don't understand please seek my assistant, and I will be glad to give you guideline on what to do or say. Please bear with me concerning the pix, I will send you my full pix by thursday, mean while you have to comply with the lawyer to enable him commence work and start getting all the paper work to enable the bank transfer your inheritance to your nominated bank account.
You, must not stress your self that much, remember all works no play make's jack a dull boy, so you must have time for everything.
Regards and waiting a good news from you soonest.
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I'm laid up with a nasty chill on account of arriving back on a frosty Sunday night in Sydney after a week in Uluru, thanx for asking...
Mr Rotimi sent me a whole fucking swarm of invoices, all of them spelling Sydney wrong. He's also only got "Eliza Dane", when to be properly legal and so on it should have my full name. I hope he'll put it right.
And please don't start quoting old platitudes at me, you ain't my dad...
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for updating me, please tell the lawyer to correct the mistake so that we can proceeds immediately without wasting much time.
I await more update.
Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.
George Rotimi
Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
We are going to correct the mistake by tommorrow, meanwhile you go ahead and send the payment to enable us commence work immediately. Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,

George Rotimi (SAN)
Eliza Dane

[If all else fails - question why the money has to be paid up front.]

Mr Edy,
It just occurred to me - why the Hel am I sending Mr Rotimi money to do the job rather than paying him when he's done it, the way everyone else does it?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Rotimi,
Please explain why I am supposed to send you payment for a job that hasn't been done yet.
I haven't done that before, why should I do so now?
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
Am in receipt of your mail, please you must not do anything that will make the lawyer suspect this deal, I guess maybe that is how they do there own work.
Please comply with the lawyer directives in other not for him to suspect this deal please, don't do anything that will make the lawyer to start suspecting this deal, you know you are not the original next of kin to our late client, that is why we contacted a lawyer who is going to change all the documents in your favor as the original next of kin to our late client.
Please comply with the lawyer, so that he will start getting all the documents that will instruct the bank to make payment to your bank account.
We really need to fasting up, as you can see time is not our best friend on this transaction.
Kindly update me on any development from the lawyer, can you please let me know how much the lawyer is asking for him to get all the documents, please let me know how much,also let me know if you can afford that or do you need any help from me to enable us move forward.
I await your urgent response.
Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Please explain exactly how I'm giving him the idea that this is a fake by asking a sensible question!
Look, I've dealt with lawyers on three occasions - two business (advice on contracts), and one personal (probate matters). On every occasion, the lawyer did what was needed, then sent us an invoice, and we paid him. All was fine and well.
All of a sudden, we have a lawyer who demands cash up front for his standard work! Worse still, he wants it by Western Union...
I've had bad experiences with Western Union. I've had money go missing, or get handed over to the wrong person thanx to deadbeat office staff.
Don't try to bully me over time constraints. Just because the clock's ticking, I don't plan to go crazy all of a sudden.
Eliza Dane
George Rotimi

[What's this? A threat?]

Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
Please if you are not ready to comply with us please look for another lawyer,I want to also use this chance to let you know that the mistake have been corrected. and i have attach the corrected invoice to this message. Please look for another lawyer if we cannot deal with you directly, we have not collected any money from you, and we wouldn't want your inheritance payment be diverted to wrong account instead of your own account. we are very happy that you have a geniue claim and we will not want your inheritance be diverted to wrong account insteady of your own account.
We have other client to attend to their case, so it will be your best interest if you comply with the requirment to enable us commence our work.
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,

George Rotimi (SAN)
Eliza Dane
Mr Rotimi,
How can I read these words: "we wouldn't want your inheritance payment be diverted to wrong account instead of your own account... we will not want your inheritance be diverted to wrong account insteady of your own account" as anything other than a threat?
Do you normally respond to reasonable questions with something that sounds like it's out of a direct to video crime movie?
I'd like you to state, simply and rationally, why you are demanding payment in advance for legal business - something which, AFAIK, does not happen anywhere else.
Further, I want to know just why it has to be by Western Union - which I know from experience to be unsecure.
And I want answers, not some gangsterish rant - unless you seriously want me to take you up on your suggestion to find another lawyer.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, please let us not start to misunderstand each other at this ealier stage of this transaction, please tell the lawyer how you will like to work with him so that we can proceed. Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Who's misunderstanding who here?
I do not like this lawyer! Did you have much business with him before now? I'm surprised you didn't deep-six the prick long ago.
Eliza Dane

[Inevitably, George Rotimi tries to keep things focussed on the Western Union payments.
He shouldn't have asked about using his own money...]

George Rotimi
Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
Note, nobody is demanding any upfront payment from you, rather the money which you are require to pay is for those documents that i mentioned to you, as soon as we get those documents from the federal high court and have them summited to the bank, then instruction will be given for your fund transfer with immediate effect, or do you expect us to use our own money to get the documents for you, we are only here to represent you and to take your matter to the bank and make sure your inheritance is transfer into your account.
Please go through my previous message to you in other to know what the money you are require to send is for, Please do note however, that my professional fee of 1.5% of the total sum would be remitted into an account I will give you. This sum should be paid 48 hours after your account has been credited. We have to give you the detailed breakdown as above considering the time constrain. The only money which you will be required to pay to this chamber is 1.5% of the total sum, is only when your inheritance fund has been transfferd into your account that you will be require to pay for our service. the reason why, we ask you to send the money through western union money transfer is for fast collection of the money to enable us forge ahead with your work.
But if you can send the payment through western union money transfer, we can still give you an account, which you can make the payment with.
If you which to look for another lawyer that is left for you to decide, we are not going to stop you from doing what you which to do. so do get back to us to know your opinion
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,

George Rotimi (SAN)
Eliza Dane
Mr Rotimi,
You've probably heard the old line about if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck? Well, if it's a fee paid in advance, it's an up-front fee, and no arguments about that!
When I've done business, it's been payment on results. The only ones I know who take money in advance are thriller novel hitmen ("Half now, half on completion") or cartoon lawyers like Larsen E. Pettifogger.

[Larsen E. Pettifogger is a character from THE WIZARD OF ID cartoon strip.]

Use your own money? Well, yeah. Tradesmen use their own money - in the form of stock or components - to get the job done.
When AJ got his SUV repaired, he didn't have to stump up cash so the mechanic could rush off and buy new engine parts.
When my Uncle Warren died and the lawyer handled probate, I don't recall him holding out his hand for money before he read the will.
Why should you be any different?
Do the job, and then you will get paid. Given that you're getting 1.5% of the amount - $270000 - I wonder if you should get anything paid up front.
Oh yeah, now you mention time constraints. What time constraints? You want to spell this out? Or is this another threat?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Ewele Sam,
Hello there, and good news - I'm trying to get my way clear to travel over to Ghana to see you and get the cheque.
But I'll need your help. Exactly where am I supposed to go? You said just "Ghana". I think I need a little bit more than that. Like what city?
I'll also need advice on how to get there.
You promised to arrange accommodation for us - could you please send me details?
We hope to be able to travel in about ten days, once we've got the paperwork done and the inoculations kick in.
Eliza Dane

Note the figure of ten days.
It turned out to be rather optimistic.

George Rotimi
Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
Note, the only way we can carry out with your work, is if you can pay our consultation fee of $850 then we can proceed with your work.
We are very sorry if we ask for upfront payment, it was due to the exprience we hard in the past with some of our client, after working for them they will not pay for the service, but if you want us to carry on with the work kindly send to us our consultation fee and you will sign an agreement paper with us that you will pay for the service after we might have secure all the documents on your favor. So, do get back to us immediately with the consultion fee.
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,

George Rotimi (SAN)

Ah, a price cut! Well, no good deed goes unpunished!

Eliza Dane
Mr Rotimi,
OK, I get your drift. It burns my gut to get picked on because some assholes screwed you over in the past, but maybe that's the way it is.
Send me a new invoice for the $850 fee and the agreement letter. We may as well get things done all at once.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, hope you are ok, please find attached the passport I promise sending to you, I also want to know the possition of things between you and the lawyer.
Kindly update me on what is going on.
Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.

[This time the passport is actually sort of the right size.]

[That photo is familiar; it has been used by other scammers. It looks like something cut out of a magazine.]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Ah, that's so much better. Well, at least my mental picture of you ain't some little grey blur anymore. : )
I think Mr Rotimi sees things my way, I see things his way, and we have reached an understanding (of sorts). It does mean he has to send me another invoice. That done, we should be kewl.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
George Rotimi
Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
Find attached the invoice, we are very sorry as we are unable to send you the agreement form today we will send you the agreement form by tomorrow, bear with us, Please make payment through the account section of our law firm by Western Union Money Transfer with the name of the Head of Account of our chambers as below:
RECEIVERS NAME: DOMINIC UDEZUE
. 21 WAREHOUSE ROAD APAPA LAGOS NIGERIA.
TEXT QUESTION: COLOUR
TEXT ANSWER: GREEN
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,

[Price cut or no price cut, he still wants his money!
BTW, that's five times now that he's supplied the WU information; does he think that Eliza has ADD? ]

Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Am very sorry for my later response to your mail, as for my boss the he called me this evening and told me to inform you that he will be sending is family picture to yo by tomorrow.
Concerning your coming to ghana, please am going to give you full details on how to come and the full address by next tomorrow.
Thanks
Regards
Ewele Sam.
George Rotimi
Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
We are still expecting to receive the consultation fee from you to enable us proceed. Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,

George Rotimi (SAN)
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, longest time, am very sorry for the picture which i promise sending to you since, I have been very busy with my project.
Please find attached my family picture, I also want to know the possition of things between you and my Friend Mr Aroh Edy.
I await more update from you.
Regads
Sam.

[Sam sends a picture that must be some family at an airport or somewhere like that.]

Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, hope all is well with you, please let me know what is going on between you and the lawyer, has he started getting all the documents that will prove you as the original next of kin to our late client?.Kindly update me on what is going on once you receive this mail.
Regards and have a lovely weekend.
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane

[Another delay is due...]

Dear Mr Rotimi,

I was unable to send the money on Saturday as I was taken to hospital on Friday night with food poisoning - one of about 20 from the same group. I only just got back tonight. I should be able to send the fee tomorrow. I always hated sushi...
Eliza Dane
George Rotimi

[The barrister commiserates... and gives some odd advice.]

Attn: Eliza Dane,
Dear Madam.
We are very sorry to hear of your illness, and we thank God that you are much better now. please be very careful about the kind of friend you go out with.
We will wait to receive the payment like you promise today,upon receipt of that we shall send you the agreement letter which you are going to sign and return back to us with immediate effect to enable us proceed in getting the relevant documents.
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,

George Rotimi (SAN)
Eliza Dane

[I have no idea why he gave Eliza a warning, but never let a chance go by...]

Mr Edy,
What the fuck is wrong with that lawyer? I tell him that I'd been laid out by food poisoning after a night at the sushi bar and he says, "please be very careful about the kind of friend you go out with"
Huh? Just what the Hel is he on about?
I tried to get out today but I got an attack of the dry heaves. I am so going to sue that place...
Anyway, I should be mobile in the next day or two.
Regards,
Eliza
Eliza Dane

[First, give Ewele Sam a hint...]

Ewele Sam,
Hey! Tomorrow was two days ago. I'm trying to plan a trip, do your part, willya? And make sure the accommodation is up to snuff. I don't want a backpacker hovel. Get us something with class.
Hurry up! Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[Then supply Sam (Adimorah) with free fashion advice.]

Hi Sam,
Gotta be honest... I always saw you as much younger. You do look very distinguished though. Like the designs on your waistcoat. Still, gotta be honest; tell your wife to try something different in headgear. That scarf is just terrible. The Style Police would show no mercy! Your daughter, though, is very well dressed and very pretty. Have you ever thought of letting her trying modelling?
Mr Edy is a patient man 'cos he has to be. His lawyer is a jerk. I just told that Rotimi suckhole that I'd had some really bad food poisoning and he tells me to choose my friends more carefully! May Loki steal his wits!
Ewele Sam is not helping. I ask him for a little help with planning my trip, and he hasn't done it. Thor's beard! It's a holiday, not some fucking military campaign! Sorry for the rant, but I've just been sick again. Eliza
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
Am very sorry to hear that you are poisoned in sushi bar, how is it now, hope you have taken a treat on that.
Please try and comply with the lawyer, this matter is taking long, always update me on any development.
Regards and remain bless.
Mr Aroh Edy.
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, and sorry for the poising that you eat, I will try and talk to Ewele, and make sure he arrenge for your trip very fast.
Regards.Sam
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Please I will like to know, you and who is coming to ghana so that I will make the arrengement for both of you.
Urgently waiting to hearing from you.
Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
It'll be me and AJ, my boyfriend - you'd better be OK with that! Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[Next delay is due... set the scene]

Sam,
There's no easy way to ask this, but...
Are you totally sure that I can completely trust Aryoh Edy? Eliza
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your update, I want to let you that you and your boyfriend is highly welcome to ghana, I can't wait to shaking hands with you and your boyfriend in ghana. I still want to let you know that your draft have not been insured, so i want you to send the inssurance fee of $1550 usd to enable me insure the draft before coming to ghana to collect your draft. Regards Ewele.

[Shaking hands? I'll wager it's more than that he's wanting.
Insurance? What's he on about?]

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, I want you to understand that you are like a daughter to me, and there is no how I can direct you on what is not good, Aroh Edy, is my very good friend right from child hood and I can speak for him. I want you to have no fear dealing with Mr Aroh Edy, Mr Aroh is a man of good reputation and credibility so fear not and proceed with him.
I await good news from you soonest.
My best regards Sam.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
If you say that I can trust Mr span class="ae">Edy, that's good, but then I have to wonder about this email. What's going on?
Set my mind at ease, Sam. Please.
Eliza

[I dusted off an old scam letter and rewrote a couple of names.]

OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT,FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA CHIEF OLUSEGUN OBASANJO GCFR. PRESIDENT, COMMANDER IN CHIEF OF THE ARMED FORCES FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA ASO-ROCK VILLA ABUJA PAYMENT VALUE OF $18 MILLION DOLLARS Madam, Following the report gathered from the probate office that some hoodlum are requesting from you some amount US$2,500.00 for reactivation fees in order to transfer the money into your account account as your inheritance.
Sequel to the report received so far from the probate office, you are advise to desist from communicating with those that are asking you to pay money for the reactivation fees, so call Mr. ARYOH EDY as Branch Manager of GOLF BANK and so call LAWYER GEORGE ROTIMI as they are all under investigation and soon they will be under black book of the Federal Government.
Meanwhile, this office advise you to stop any further communication with them or any one since mandate has been given to this office to take duties to transfer your INHERITANCE Fund into your account as ordered by the president.
If you will be willing to follow my instructions I promise you that before the end of this week your money will be transfered into your account.
[blah blah blah blah]
If you really want me to help you, you will have to stop further comminication with those so called bank officials and so called Barrister .They keep promising you that they will transfer your money to you but at the end, you will see notting.
So I am waiting to hear from you for us to move forward.
Yours Faithfully,

Abu Bello

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Thanx for the welcome - well, in advance anyway - but where the fuck are the travel details and the place where we'll be staying? You promised to tell me but you've done nothing! And I have to book the trip sometime! Just do it, willya?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Talk to me.
What do I do now?
Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, Please ingnor the mail, do not respond to that mail, I just called Mr Aroh Edy, and ask him the out come of that mail, and he told me that it was one of the colleagues that knows about the business that wrote the mail to you.
There were having a kind of misunderstanding concerning the shearing partern and he decided to put grediness on the transfer of fund into your account.
Please do not respond to that mail, there are only trying to get information from you about this transaction, ingnor the mail you receive from them and comply with Mr Aroh Edy, he should be the only person you should trust on this transaction to avoid diverting your fund to wrong account.
Many thanks for your update, while I await more from you.
Regards
Sam.

[Hmm, under the circumstances, not a bad response.]

["I just called Mr Aroh Edy" --- for all we know, Sam A. and Aroh E. (and all these Lads) are one and the same. In any case, insulting a Lad's business partners is good technique. If the partner is an alter ego, that's just gravy.]

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Kindly forward to me the full informations of the so called Bello, as well as his email address, I really need to put this to stop, because I will not want you to suffer in vain. Urgent.
Regards
Sam.
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
I just receive a call from my friend Mr Sam, and he told me of the mail which you forwarded to him, please I want you to ingnor that mail, and follow my instructions so that we don't work in vain.
This is the reason why you receive that mail, it was because I hard qurell with one of our colleagues on percentage issue and he decided to destroy my relationship with you.
He even promise to spoil this transaction, which will never happen. please do not respond to that mail, I also want to know the possition of things between you and the lawyer.
Please do not be angry, and forgive the embarrasment it was not my fault, I promise it will not happen again. I await more update.
Regards and have a bless day.
Mr Aroh.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I'm sorry, I did reply, asking who he was. He sent me a scanned ID card and this.
I'm very confused.
Eliza

[I rewrote another letter from the same source.]

Att:Eliza Dane,
I recieved your mail and the contents of the mail requesting my indentification to comfirm that actualy i work with the presidency, As a matter of fact, i am sending you my indentification card to show that i work with the presidency and also the WAIVER form for you to fill and retun as the rightfull beneficiary of the said fund.
Regarding those frud stars that you have to stay away from, i will advice you keep off from so call bank official ,and Call Barrister etc,now you are made to understand the economic nd financial crime investigator are working tirlessly to make sure that they are apprehended and recover what ever they must have stolen from you.
N:B Please do not disclose this informations to those criminals in orther to track them down. However you are made to understand that this waiver covers ALL the transfer charges regarding this transaction and as soon as this form is filled with the money, the BANK will immediately recieve an instruction from the Presidency for the immediate approval of the fund into your accout in your country.
I have successfully secured the certifcate though it was a little bit difficult to obtain, i advice you fill in the certificate and return with the proceessing fees of usd$520. Make sure you do that today and get back to me as soon as possible with the following informations through western Union money transfer. RECEIVER NAME: PETER ACHA
ADDRESS : LAGOS NIGERIA
TEST QUESTION: COLOUR
TEST ANSWER : RED
After sending do forward the 10 digit of the control number, the senders name and address. Immediatelly you fill in this waiver certificate and return, the fund will be creditted into your account within 72hours.
Thanks and God bless.
Abu Bello

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for the mail, I will strongly advice you to stop further communication with any other person rather than Mr Aroh Edy, he is the only person I will advice you to comply with.
You are just like a daughter to me, the reason why I introduce you to Mr Aroh Edy, is because of your past effort to me, and the trust that I have in you, and I will not be happy to see you suffer in vain. Please stop further communications with those people and comply with Mr Aroh, do not send any money to anybody without my instruction or Mr Aroh Edy.
Finnally cease every communication with them and tell them not to contact you again.
I await more update.
Regards
Sam.
George Rotimi
Attn:Eliza Dane, Dear Madam.
Note, this chamber is no longer interested in your work, please look for another lawyer. as you where unable to pay for our consultation fee.
Thanks for your anticipated patronage.
Yours Faithfully,

George Rotimi (SAN)

[What a gift! This sort of Lad blunder can't happen very often...]

Eliza Dane

[What else could I do but accept?]

Mr Rotimi,
If that's the way you feel, then you can just fuck off and go back to chasing ambulances or whatever the fuck it is you do. I could have paid you easily, but you chose to bail. Too bad, so sad.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
George Rotimi has just quit the job!! He said he wasn't interested, and that I should find myself another lawyer.
Well, that's fucked things over and no mistake. What the Hel do we do now?
Just a thought - could it be that Bello guy making trouble? Could he have put the frighteners on Rotimi and Co.? I have a bad feeling about this...
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[Ewele Sam has been left alone too long...]

Ewele Sam,
Thor's beard! Where the fuck is my info? Just get a fucking move on!
And explain just what the fuck I'm insuring - and don't give me that crap about "security", I want the full package! NOW!
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I don't know if there's any connection with that Bello guy and his messages, but George Rotimi just quit - yep, he quit, just like that! Didn't want my business, told me to get another lawyer. Is this just coincidence? I'm not sure... That, and Ewele Sam isn't doing what he's supposed to. I'm getting a bit pissed off, to be honest. What do we do now?
Eliza
Aroh Edy

[...tries to recover the situation.]

DEAR ELIZA,
Am very happy to hear from you today, I think is even better the way the lawyer just quite from the job, I don't even like the way the lawyer is doing this job, he is wasting time.
Note, the reason why, Mr Bello, knows about Rotimi and everything about this transaction is because we are both together from the start of this transaction, he was even the one that bring the idea of taking George rotimi to sign all the documents on your behalf, that is why he knows about Rotimi and his chambers. I want to let you know the latest development now, I have been able to take Mr Bello and the other of our colleagues out of this transaction, and the deal is now only between you and I, please stop every communications with Mr Bello or any other person even the lawyer.
I want us now to settle down and look for a good lawyer that is going to help us get all the relivant documents that will instruct the bank to transfer this fund into your account.
DEAR ELIZA, like I told you, the business is only for you and I now, for that reason and the trust i have in you, we are going to be sharing the total sum equally, that is 50% for you and 50% for me, and stop further communications with Mr Bello because I don't want them to get any other information about this new development again, so that it will only be between you and I.
Please get back to me immediately you receive this nessage so that I can give you instruction on how to go from here, and how to get in contact with the new lawyer that i will be giving you his contact information to enable you contact him immediately.
I await your urgent response.
Regards remain bless.
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Holy Mother Frigga, you KNOW this Bello freak? Like personally? Are you safe?
And if he knows about all this, and that Rotimi wanker is with him... shit, they know all about it! Is there anything else they could do? I'm just wondering if it's safe to go on with this deal.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam

[Ewele Sam is still after his money.]

DEAR ELIZA,
It will be your best interest if you send the $1550 to me immediately to enable me insure the draft before coming to ghana, so that when you come you will just have your draft.
The draft need to be insure before releasing it to you, and I have made enquiries and is going to cost you $1550 to have the draft insure immediately.
Concern where you are going to stay, I have made arrengement on where you and your boyfriend is going to stay, so there is no problem on that. you are therefore advise to make the payment with below information to enable me quick collect of the money and have your draft insure immediately and direct yu on how to come and collect your draft in ghana.
Receivers name: Tony Davis.
City: Cotonou
Country: Benin republic.
And aslo remeber to send to me the MTCN of the payment.
Urgent
Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
That's not what I asked for. I asked for a precise reason why you wanted $1550. You're not even close. You're giving me a cheque, right? That's why I'm coming to Ghana, right? So WHY do I need to insure anything? I just don't get it!
Also, you've "made arrangements" for us to stay somewhere - fine, but WHERE? What sort of accommodation? Freyja's mercy, give me DETAIL! The same applies to the travel details. Just send them, for fuck's sake! I have to book sometime soon!
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear
Thanks for your mail, all is well with this deal, there is no risk at all, all you have to do is to stop further communication with any of them, both Mr Bello and the lawyer Rotimi, and only follow my instructions. You and I, is 100% save and there is no risk at all, please make sure you are no longer responding to any of them, I have finnally taking control of this deal, and I would not want any of them to get any information about this transaction again.
Please I want you to promise me that you will not respond to any of them again, so that I can give you contact of a new lawyer who is going to stand on your behalf to change all the documents that backs this claim to your name.
I await your urgent response.
Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I've heard nothing from George Rotimi. I did get another message from that Bello prick, like this: "i want to let you know that their is no way you can get transfer charges waived out without the waiver processing fees so you have to do as instructed by filing the form and return with the fees. In conclusion, i will advice you comply with the instructions immediately and forget about what they told you" I didn't write back or anything. I don't want to. For some reason that Bello mofo makes me twitchy. Give me the details if you like - I'll get in touch.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam

[Ewele Sam tries to explain. It's a poor effort.]

DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, the reason why you will have to pay for the insurance fee is because the draft have not been insured, and you will have to insure it now before coming to ghana, so that you will not have any problem with the draft, you must insure the draft before collecting it.
Concern coming to ghana, I have made arrengement for your hotel accormodation, so when you come you will have to pay for the hotel which you and your boyfriend is going to stay, because I don't have any money to pay for it.
Before coming to ghana you will have to let me know when and the date, and aslo send to me your flight shedule for me to know the time you are landing so that I can pick you up from the airport to your hotel where you are going to stay.
I will be expecting to hear from you.
RegardsEwele.
Eliza Dane

[Eliza, on the other hand, could not be accused of holding back.]

Ewele Sam,
You STILL don't get it, do you? You were going to advise me on travel to Ghana; and you still haven't. I can't just assume we're going to Accra. For fuck's sake tell me!
I asked for details on the hotel; you still haven't given me any. There is no fucking way we are going to agree to pay for a hotel until I know what the Hel it is!
And please - PLEASE - tell me why I have to insure this draft when you are going to be travelling from Benin to Ghana with a cheque for me. It makes no fucking sense that I can see!
There's more to this. I'll be straight with you. I sent $5000 to Sam - he was promising me $5 million - and I heard nothing more until he came back to me about this cheque. You'll understand if I tell you that he's put me off Western Union for quite a while.
And while we're on that subject - who the Hel is Michael Davis? I thought this was going to be a secret between us.
Just tell me where we have to go, and where we'll be staying. That's not too much to ask.
Eliza Dane

[I slipped up a bit here - I don't know why I wrote Michael Davis.]

Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, please do not respond to any of there mails again. so that we can continue this deal without anymore delay.
I will give you the lawyer contact by tomorrow.
Thanks and remain bless.
Regards
Mr Aroh Edy.
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
I will advise you to call me on my direct cell phone number for any details you will like to get about your coming to ghana so that I can clear you once and all. my direct cell phone number is 234 8032304825 and you can reach me anytime any day.
I also expect to receive your personal cell phone number too for more easy and effective communication.
I await to hear from you immediately.
Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
My cell phone is local only, so its number is no good to you.
Also, the lines here in the house aren't secure - there's no guarantee that I won't be overheard (scratch that, it's a certainty I'd be overheard, and we don't want that!)
I don't know why you can't just send me the details - just do it, OK? Just tell me where to come to, and which hotel.
It's not that difficult!
Eliza Dane

[Actually it's always that difficult for Lads.]

Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane
This is to inform you that I have successful retrieved all the legal documentation that confer on you the beneficiary status of the deposited fund from the attorney and also terminated the agreements we reached with him because of his fraudulent behavior over the transaction at this conclusion time, however, after he had obtain the entire legal documents from the relevant authorities here and submit them with the board and managements of the golf bank here for approval and immediate payment to you, he now become self-indulgence witch will not favor the transaction in our favor.
However, am also happy to inform you that the board and managements my bank have this mooning approved the payment in your favor and also instruct their intermediary bank in London to contact you for subsequent payment. So therefore, I wish to advise you to confirm to me immediately you hear from the paying bank in London so that I can advise you on what to do to avoid any mistake at this time.
Take note. As we have terminated the agreements we reached with him that he may start working ageist us but I am very sure that we will defeat him since every legal documents was obtain with your name as the soul beneficiary of the deposited fund and am working with the bank here. I will be waiting to here from you as soon as the paying bank in London contacts you. Thanks,
Congratulation.
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Good news, I like that... but no contact from anyone in London. Nothing from those deadshits Bello or Rotimi, either; OK by me!
I hope you're right about them. I'll be in touch once I hear anything. Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
Sequel to the mail I sent to you yesterday without hearing any confirmation from you, I wish to know if the paying bank in London have contacted you or not, please do not hesitate to inform me immediately so that I can advice you on what to tell them at any giving time.
I will be waiting to hear from you; please do not forget to acknowledge the receipt of this mail.
Thanks and remain bless.
Regards
Mr. Aroh Edy
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Mr Edy has got in touch with me. He's arranging something from London. No word yet.
OK - now would you please do something about Ewele Sam? He won't even do something as simple as tell me where we're flying to! Nor will he tell me exactly where we're staying. He wants $1500 for insurance - on a bank draft! It's a fucking cheque, by Skadhi's bow blade! What the Hel does he want with insurance? I don't want this to go wrong, Sam. I'm getting twitchy.
Please tell him to do what I ask, forget the insurance, just be there with my cheque - wherever the fuck it is.
Eliza
Ewele Sam
Dear
Am very sorry for my late response to your mail, I have been making arrengement for your coming to ghana, and I have concluded everything arrengement concerning your coming over to ghana. Take note, that your draft have been deposited with a finance company here in ghana, due to the date on the draft is about to expired, and with the help of the finance company in ghana, they have agreed to pay you your money in cash in wish ever way you want it insteady of draft, and I concluded with them that you will have to pay sum fees for the final release of the total funds to you. Please do get back to me once you receive this mail, for more intructions on how to contact the finance house here in ghana, and also for me to direct you on how to come and meet with me and the finance house here in ghana. I await your urgent response.
Regards
Mr Ewele.

[He wants to give me the $1.2 million... in cash. $1.2 million, let's assume $100 bills, that's 12,000 notes, or about 12 kilos of money. It would be quite a bundle. ]

[The banker lad makes contact, sending a huge attachment - a "Funds Transfer Document" - 10 meg in bitmap form (and 1.4 meg even as a JPEG). I didn't acknowledge it.]

Victor Gozie
Attention, Elizabeth,
Please careful go through the attachment and comply for immediate crediting of your approved ayment into your nominated bank account thanks.
Yours truly,Victor Gozie

Eliza Dane

[I'm not finished with Ewele Sam - not by a long way.]

Ewele Sam,
I DON'T WANT CASH! What the FUCK made you think I wanted cash! AARRGH!
All along you say it's a cheque, and now THIS? Why did you do that? What the fuck was wrong with a safe deposit box or something? Freyja soothe my aching head!
It would have been so simple to just give me the cheque, I'd have happily forked over a wad of cash for your trouble, and we could all have gone for a party. But no...
Look, what's your plan? I might as well know.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Please forgive me, it was due to I don't want the cheque to expire in my hand, please let me know if you have forgiving me, so that I will advise you on how to contact the finance house, to enable you proceed with them immediately.
Regards
Mr Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
If you've got the cheque in your hand, what the Hel does a finance house have to do with anything? I just don't understand that at all.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane
Sequel to the mail I sent to you yesterday, I am happy to inform you that from the inquiry I made today with the board and managements of our bank, confirming to me that the paying bank in London have contacted you since yesterday and you never bothered to inform me about this good news. However, I have to also bring to your notice the resign why I terminated my contract with the attorney is because the attorney is trying to rip wear he did not sow which mains he can even do any thing to frustrate our effort to see that he is part and passels of the transaction because when we are still working with him, he is always informing us about one thing to the other and this transaction dos not need that kind of arrangements, so now that we have successful in the arrangements we are making for the hitch free successful consummation of this transaction to your bank account, your advice to be very serious so that we will be able to conclude the transaction as we plan.
Please if the London bank have contacted you, please do not hesitate to inform me immediately so that I can advise you on what to do to avoid mistake.
I will be waiting to hear from you thanks.
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I've got nothing from the bank. If I'd heard from them, believe me, I'd have told you right away.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam

[Ewele Sam gets points for determination, at least.]

DEAR ELIZA,
The reason why I deposited the cheque with the finance house is because I don't want the cheque to expire in my hand, because I know that if the cheque expire in my hand you and my boss will have to blame me for that. that is the reason why I quickly deposited the cheque with the finance house so that it does not expire in my hand. I await to hear from you.
Regards
Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
The only way that the cheque would expire in your hand is that I don't pick it up before 17 August. And you know what? The only way that will happen is if don't get to Ghana. And you know what? That will only happen IF YOU KEEP TELLING ME FUCK ALL! So no, I am not going to pay that stupid insurance money. Why? Because it was your stupid mistake in the first place, and I am not going to pay for your fuck-up. Tell me where to travel to, tell me where we'll be staying, and we'll be over there, I'll throw us a nice big party and we'll be fine.
JUST DO IT!
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Gozie,
Received, with thanx.
I'll be in touch.
Regards,
Eliza Dane

[Time to acknowledge receipt of the bank's paperwork - and put the passport out of reach.]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
For your information. You said they sent it Friday, but I only got it today. Must have been a server glitch somewhere.
Big problem; they want a copy of my passport. No can do.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy

[Mr Edy can write a wordy piece of bumph with the best of them... although he can't spell 'Dane'.]

Dear, Eliza Dane
This is to acknowledge the receipt of the attachment you forwarded to me from the paying bank the first Atlantic bank London, on the receipt of the letter, I wish to express my happiness over the latest developments from the paying bank in London. However, now that the paying bank have contacted you with their modality for the payment, I have to advice you that we have achieved 99% of the transaction, so it is very important that we give this transaction 100% seriousness so that we can complete the transaction as we plan and I also wish to inform you that I have started the negotiation for the obtaining of the inheritance certificate from the authorities here. However, I promise to take what so ever step wooding my capacity to ensure that I obtain the inheritance certificate from the authorities here before the end of working hours tomorrow and I will immediately forward the certificate to you so that you can as well forward it to the bank as they requested with your identification.
With regard to the fund release identification pin code, I am advising since the particular pin code has to come from the Federal Board of Inland Revenue office in London and we are not a British citizen I will advise you to send this text below to the bank so that they can assist us with the negotiation of the release pin code from the British Inland Revenue office and have the fund transferee to you as they promised.
Please do forward the text to the bank immediately for their humanizations,
I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you have done that thanks.
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.
The text

Attention, Mr. Victor Gozie,
Director First Atlantic Bank London,
With do happiness I acknowledge the receipt of the attachment your office forwarded to me last week although I received it very late because of network problem, however, after going through the attachment letter, I understand that your bank have stated the harmonization of my fund for subsequent crediting into my bank account.
With regard to the required certificate, the inheritance certificate and the fund release identification pin code witch is the only thing that is delaying the transferee of my fund to my bank account.
I have contacted my business partner to forward the inheritance certificate to me and am assuring you that I will forward the certificate with my international passport or drivers' license as soon as I receive the certificate. However, with regard to the fund release identification pin code as you made mention that it is a gazette low by the British government that any transit fund passing through the British financial lodge, that the beneficiary of such fund must clear and obtain the fund release identification pin code from the British inland revenue office there and am not there in London at present, I will appreciate if you can use your good office to negotiate and confirm the exact amount for the obtaining of the fund release identification pin code from British inland revenue office.
Mien while I will forward the inheritance certificate with my identification as soon as I receive the certificate from my partner before the end of working hours tomorrow.
Best regard
Elizabeth Dena,

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
It's all very well sending me that letter (which sounds like nothing I'd write, but hey), but I can't send it because of this: "I will forward the certificate with my international passport or drivers' license as soon as I receive the certificate".
As I said before, I can't send either. I don't have a driver's licence and there are severe penalties for making any unauthorised copies of passports.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy

[Mr Edy doesn't seem to understand. Can't have that! And he still can't spell 'Dane'.]

Dear, Eliza Dane
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail; however, I do not know why you're scared over the identification.
Although as I promised that will take what so ever step wooding my capacity to ensure that I obtain the inheritance certificate from the authorities here before the end of working hours tomorrow, I have stated the negotiation for the issuance of the certificate and I will immediately forward the certificate to you as soon as I obtain it so that you can as well forward it to the bank as they requested, with regard to the identification am sure that its for confirmation so therefore you can silence the identification since we know that your soul beneficiary of the inheritance funds. It may interest you to know that this transaction is all I hope on so do not joke with it for me, as you can see that the paying bank has already recognized you as the soul beneficiary of the approved fund, so it will not sound well if the beneficiary of such amount of money start to behaving funny. Take note, I have made the correction so you can forward the letter to the bank and inform me . I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you have done that thanks.
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.

Attention, Mr. Victor Gozie, Director First Atlantic Bank London, With do happiness I acknowledge the receipt of the attachment your office forwarded to me last week although I received it very late because of network problem, however, after going through the attachment letter, I understand that your bank have stated the harmonization of my fund for subsequent crediting into my bank account. With regard to the required certificate, the inheritance certificate and the fund release identification pin code witch is the only thing that is delaying the transferee of my fund to my bank account, I have contacted my business partner to forward the inheritance certificate to me and am assuring you that I will forward the certificate as soon as I receive it. However, with regard to the fund release identification pin code as you made mention that it is a gazette low by the British government that any transit fund passing through the British financial lodge, that the beneficiary of such fund must clear and obtain the fund release identification pin code from the British inland revenue office there and am not there in London at present, I will appreciate if you can use your good office to negotiate and confirm the exact amount for the obtaining of the fund release identification pin code from British inland revenue office. Mien while I will forward the inheritance certificate as soon as I receive it from my partner before the end of working hours tomorrow. Best regard Elizabeth Dena,

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
This has fuck all to do with being scared. It's to do with the fact that three years ago DFAT made me sign a legally binding document when I got my passport. If I allow another person to use it, or if I make an unauthorised copy of it (that includes scanning, xeroxing, and the like), then I could be heavily fined, plus I would lose the passport, AND risk identity theft. Holy Father Odin bids us to pay attention to that inner voice when it calls for caution, and I have done that.
And what the Hel do you mean by 'behaving funny'? When did I make a joke? Care to explain that - AND why you spelled my name wrong? TWICE?
Finally - the letter you suggested that I send - just what are you trying to say? I don't get it. It goes all over the place and says nothing that I can make out. Any chance you could put it in plain English with shorter sentences?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[I'll try a quieter, more subtle approach on Ewele Sam.]

Ewele Sam,
I'll try again. Quietly. For now.
Where do I have to travel to? Where will I be
staying when I get there?
Tell me these things immediately. Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy

[Well, I convinced him. I still don't understand what he meant by the joke reference.]

Dear, Eliza Dane
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail; however, after going through your mail, I now understood your resign for the identification.
The resign why I made mention of funny or joke is because we suppose to have acknowledged the receipt of the letter sent to you from the paying bank in London so that they will confirm that your claim is confirm. But all is the same we can still forged ahead and conclude the transaction as we plan. Consequent upon forgoing, you can write the letter to the paying bank by your self and acknowledge the receipt of their letter and also inform them that you will send them the certificate before the end of working hours tomorrow.
With regard to the fund release identification pin code, I will also advice you to ask them to assist you with the negotiation with the British Inland Revenue office in London since you're not in London presently.
So therefore, your advice to write the letter by your self and forward it to the bank so that we can move ahead and conclude the transaction.
Please note, if I have wronged you in any way please do forgive and move on with this transaction because this transaction will prove a lot in my life thanks and god bless you.
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, you have not updated me on what is going on for some time now, please let me know what is going on. have you concluded with my assistant?
Get back to me with update.
Regards
Sam.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Sorry, I should have updated you, but the news is - well, patchy.
Ewele Sam is proving to be as much use as a fishnet condom. He STILL hasn't sent me the details of where to go and where we'll be staying. It's like he wants time to run out. If I'm going to pick up the cheque, I really have to know all of these things.
Mr Edy sent me a letter for the bank, which sent me some paperwork, but the letter he gave me was just a lot of waffle. Now he's telling me to rewrite it - well, I'll do my best.
How is the family?
Eliza
Eliza Dane
Attention, Mr. Victor Gozie, Director First Atlantic Bank London,
I got the attachment your office forwarded to me last week although it got to me late because of network hassles.
I understand that your bank is going to harmonize my fund for crediting into my bank account. The inheritance certificate and the fund release identification pin code are the only things holding up the transfer. I've contacted my business partner to forward the inheritance certificate to me. You'll be getting the certificate once I receive it. However, about the fund release identification pin code; you said that the British government rules are that I have to get the pin code from the British Inland Revenue office. As I'm not in London, it would be good if you can let me know what's needed for that. I'll forward the inheritance certificate as soon as I receive it from my partner.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Please do not be offended, I want you to make sure you comply with all Mr Edy directives, I called him yesterday and he told me that everything is moving fine between you and him, I want you to know that Mr Edy. has so much trust in you and he beleive in you. always update him for proper advise what ever you receive from the bank. As for Ewele, I will call him and find out why he is delaying your cheque, and i will get back to you with good news. my family is doing great, and what about yours? I await more update and renmain bless.
Mr Sam.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I did what Mr Edy wanted and sent the letter. It rests with wyrd. Do me a favour PLEASE and get Ewele Sam MOVING. He's a fucking disgrace as a secretary. At times I really want to make a blood eagle of him. Eliza

[The Blood Eagle is a nasty way of slowly and agonisingly killing someone, as used by old Norse and Germanic tribes - in essence, cutting away the ribs from the spine and spreading them out to resemble wings.]

[Yes, Scamorama was repelled too.]

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, I have called my secretary today, to know why he has not send you the traveling details, and he told me that he will send the details to you today, and that you will need to come with some money to clear your funds that is with the finance house, that he deposited the cheque with the finance house in other for the cheque to be secure and that the finance house is going to pay your cheque in cash.
Please kindly let me know if he has sent you the travel details immediately.
Regards
Sam.
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Good day, this is to inform you of the newly development on how you should make arrangement to travel to Ghana for you to be able to claim the payment. You should try and make sure tat you call the Manager Customer Care with their telephone below.
STANDARD SECURITY AND SERVICE COMPANY LTD ACCRA GHANA.
Tel/Fax: 00233217010836
Mobile: 00233244608326
Email: sssclgh500@yahoo.com
NAME OF THE MANAGER CUSTOMER CARE: MICHAEL LARTHY.
Eliza, every arrangement has been putting in place and all you have to do now is to contact the security finance house with their information stated above and they will direct you and your boy friend on how book your air ticket to fly down to Accra-Ghana as soon as possible.
You people will meet me in Ghana upon your arrival at the airport. The management will secure Visa for you people, so you should quickly contact them right now for them to start processing your Visa. Meanwhile, i urge you to do everything fast because we have to conclude this transaction between now and next week. Kindly update me in all your communications with the finance house and let us work together as a team to achieve this great success. I wish you all the best and my regards to your boy friend AJ.
Most importantly, you have to give me your mobile phone number to reach you all the time, also the finance house may like to call you too, so it is important that you keep your telephone open for easy communication. Awaiting your quick response and make sure that you act as directed.
Have a nice day.
Regards,
Mr Ewele.
Eliza Dane

[Time for Eliza to REALLY speak her mind.]

Ewele Sam,
If you were here now I'd give you the bitch-slap that would be heard around the world.
Sam told me you'd arranged for that finance house to pay me out in cash. I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT CASH! Where the Hel were you when they were handing out brains?
That, and you tell me to hurry up.
Exactly WHO has been farting around like some dickless wonder the last few weeks? Here's a clue; IT FUCKING WELL WASN'T ME!
All right, rant over.
I'll contact the finance house. If a job's worth doing...
Incidentally, FWIW, thank you for at least telling me where we're going - even if you still haven't told where we're staying.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I TOLD Ewele Sam I didn't want cash! What the fuck is he doing? Has he got even half a brain? Freyja soothe my aching head! He has all the brains of a cumquat, he really does.
And he may have finally - FINALLY - told me that it's Accra, but he STILL hasn't detailed the hotel, as I told him to.
But what really makes my blood boil is that he's telling me to hurry up.
ME? I'm NOT the one who fucking well dithered and dicked around the last couple of weeks!
Eliza
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
I have not heard from you for two days now, what is going on between you and the bank? please let me know what is going on.
Rgards
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
They haven't replied yet - I sent the letter pretty much as suggested, and I've got nothing back from them so far. Actually, aren't you supposed to be providing me with documents of some sort? Regards,
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[Time to contact that finance house...]

Attn: Mr Michael Larthy
Dear Sir,
Mr Ewele Sam has directed me to contact you. I understand you've been fully briefed on the situation.
He also advised me to ask you about details of travel to Ghana.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Please you should mind the way you talk to me, I am not your mate, when you get to accra Ghana, I will come and pick you from the airport to the hotel where you and your boy friend AJ will be staying. Just comply with the finance house, and you will be welcome to Ghana, and you will meet with me there in the airport.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Regards
Ewele.

["I am not your mate"? Does he mean "mate" in the American sense?]

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Listen, sport, I talk as I see fit.
If you'd been doing your job I'd be honey-sweet. But you've been so fucking slow on this whole matter, I tell you what a mess you've made. OK?
I'll ask again; WHAT HOTEL? You don't have to tell me right away... the finance company hasn't got back to me yet.
But by Thor and Freyja the Golden, you'd better let me know before we leave! I mean it!
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy

[Aroh Edy tries to keep Eliza's mind firmly focussed on the money... and sends two certificates.]

DEAR ELIZA,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, as you can see that I promise my self that since the paying bank in London has approved the payment in your favor remaining the inheritance certificate and the 0.01% for the fund release identification pin code, that I will make sure that we obtain the certificates and forward them to you so that you can also forward them with the required 0.01% of the total amount to be transferee to you for your fund release identification pin code.
So therefore, I am very happy to inform you that we have successful obtain the certificates from the authority responsible for the insurance, although it's a difficult tax for us to obtain those certificates because the certificate is the only documents or certificate with the status to confer on you as the next of kin to the depositor therefore the beneficiary of the fund and since we have obtain them in your favor, you have automatically become the soul beneficiary of the fund. Please I will advice you to forward those certificates to the bank with the requested 0.01% so that the bank can credit the fund to your bank account without any further delay.
However, it will be a great joy to me if we concluded this transaction in a shot while so that you can send some money to us from that fund because we have exulted all our life savings to ensure that we obtain all the document and certificates that automatically project your status as the next of king therefore the soul beneficiary to the deposited fund, however, its hard to us at the moment to even feed our family. So therefore your expected you to comply with the bank directive to enable us conclude this transaction as we plan.
Do update me as soon as you are through with bank and the banks have this transaction effected into your bank account as they promised you.
I will be waiting to hear from you thanks and god blesses you.
Attach to this mail is the certificates as I promised you.
Regards
Mr. Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane

[I received both certificates, but only bits thereof.]

Mr Edy,
Not really good news I'm afraid - nothing's come from the bank yet (maybe more server glitches?), so no directives.
Also, both those certificates came through incomplete - about a third of each - and my system was red-lining all the way.
Please send them again - one at a time, OK?
Eliza Dane

[Well, I did contact the company...
Maybe Michael Larthy and Ewele Sam aren't talking.]

Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
The finance house said that you have not contacted them yet? But you told me that you have contacted them? Anyway, find below their contact information and reach them as soon as possible.
COMPANY NAME: STANDARD SECURITY & SERVICE COMPANY LTD ACCRA GHANA.
Tel/Fax: 00233217010836
Mobile: 00233244608326
Email: sssclgh500@yahoo.com
NAME OF THE MANAGER CUSTOMER CARE: MICHAEL LARTHY.
Eliza, i want you to call them on telephone and also write them email as well.
You should find out from them about the name of the hotel where you and your boy friend will lodge in Accra-Ghana. All arrangement has been conclude and upon your arrival at the Accra airport,then i'll be there to welcome you people.
Let me know exactly the date that you will buy your ticket and the date will fly down to Ghana for us to finalise this transaction in Ghana.
Awaiting your quick response.
Kindly copy to me the mail you send to the finance house for my own record purposes.
Regards,
Mr Ewele.
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, as you directed am reattaching the certificate ones again and your advice to forward them to the bank upon the receipt thanks.
I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you are through with the bank and the bank transferee the fund into your bank account.
Remain bless.
Mr.Aroh Edy.

[He sends the forms again - and they arrive. But guess what; they've stuffed up. ]



[They did come through complete - but no need to tell them that! ]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
It came through incomplete again - about two-thirds this time - but it was enough for me to see that it's fucked up.
Firstly, Mr McCulloch should be my UNCLE - NOT my brother.
Secondly, I'm not Mrs - I'm Ms.
Get it right, willya?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
This one didn't make it either - maybe about 50% appeared - but now I'm wondering about something else.
$18 million was deposited for investment - where the fuck is the profit and interest and all that? Where was this Ruxton crowd keeping it - under their fucking desks?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Every letter from you is like a kick in the gut. Problem after fucking problem...
THIS is what I sent that finance house, EXACTLY AS I WROTE IT, three days ago.

Attn: Mr Michael Larthy Dear Sir, Mr Ewele Sam has directed me to contact you. I understand you've been fully briefed on the situation. He also advised me to ask you about details of travel to Ghana. Regards,
Eliza Dane

I'll send it again. I don't know why they can't find it!
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, on the receipt of your mail I summon the board and management of the bank and request for the interests of the fund deposited for investments, but from the report I received from the board here, there was no interests simply because the fund was deposited in a escrow account so therefore there was no interests accumulated interests.
Secondly, informing the bank that the decease is your uncle is also ok all what we need is to conclude the transaction in our favor, so therefore, I will advised you to forward the requirements to the British bank so that they can conclude all their arrangement and have this funds transferred to you as we plan.
As you said that the bank have not contacted you, they may be waiting to receive the requirements so I am strongly advising you to comply with their instruction and see what they will do.
I will be waiting to hear from you thanks and remain bless.
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane

[I won't challenge him on the interest issue... other things to do...]

Mr Edy,
Suggestion; think before you write, OK?
I can't send the requirements to the bank because I don't know what they want as they haven't contacted me yet.
Clear enough?
I can't forward the documents to the bank as they're incomplete.
Clear enough?
Send them again - and hope the stupid things come through; and hope that the bank guys let me know what's going on at their end.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, I am resending them again but if incase you did not receive it completely that mains you have to provide me with your fax number so that I can send it through fax so that it will be clear.
However, I have to informed you that I don't like the manner that you use to write me some time, I involve you in this business and obtain all the legal documents that project you the beneficiary status of the fund so therefore if you don't understand it any moor, I will advice you to inform me your mind rather than writing me any thing that cross your mind.
Furthermore, if in any case your tired with the transaction, I will still find a way to conclude the transaction without you because we have exhausted all we have in this transaction and I will not be happy if any thing at all jeopardize the only opportunity we have for this transaction.
Attach is the copies and if in any case the copies are not clear, I will advice you to provide a fax number so that I will send it through fax or I can send it to the bank on your behalf.
I will be waiting to hear from you thanks
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
No go.
In fact, it was even worse. Perhaps you could shrink the images a bit? All the others I've received have been clear. Maybe it's a size issue.
I don't have ready access to a fax. I don't have any access to a secure fax. So, no go there.
But... are you serious? I speak a little too plainly for you, and you're going to blow me off and walk away? I thought you were a businessman, a good friend of my friend Sam, not some thin-skinned dude who can't stand straight talk.
You want me to speak my mind (I think you said that), but you don't want me to at the same time. And no, I am not tired of this transaction.
I am fucking tired, though, of getting messages and being disappointed when your attachments come up short.
Eliza Dane

[The banker Lad's back! It's about time.
"Edgeware ROOD"? Strange names they have in old London town...]

Victor Gozie
FIRST ATLANTIC BANK LONDON
13EDGEWARE ROOD DOCKLANDS LONDON,
EC184GB.RC NO.8473692
TEL: 44 775 698 0184
FAX: 44 870 134 1846
June 12 July 2006
Ref: cib/boa/al/gon/Cl01

FUNDS TRANSFER

Dear. Eliza Dane,
We are Sorry for the apparent late response to your request because we have been very busy here with a lot of payment instruction.
On the receipt of your request, we took the liberty to make some inquiry from the HM Custom Revenue office here for the statutory 0.01% Fund Release Identification Pin Code on your approved fund as gazette by the British Financial law, but their records clearly showed that such Pin Code has not been issued on your transit fund.
However, from the held order we received from the HM Custom Revenue office restricting the immediate transferee of your transit fund to your bank account without the statutory Pin Code. On the confirmation of above, we proceeded to the HM Custom Revenue office again to find out how we can assist you with the settlement of the statutory Fund Release Identification Pin Code which is the only impediment for the immediate conclusion of our harmonization exercise here and its compulsory that we must complete the harmonization exercise with the HM Custom Revenue office here before the fund will be credited into your nominated bank account as gazette by the British law. Sequel to this report, I personal proceed to the HM Custom Revenue office to finalize the negotiation with them, but according to the HM Custom Revenue office the amount payable for the statutory Pin Code is 0.01% of the total transit fund and it must be paid in full before the statutory clearances will be made on your behalf. However, we filed a waver of immediate payment of the statutory Pin Code upon receipt of the fund on your account which was upheld and to be eligible for such benefit, a stamp duty fee of 1. 160 00, One Thousand One Hundred and sixty British pounds is payable to the British HM Custom Revenue office. The tax could have been deducted from the principal sum, but for the fact that the procedures were not met before the fund was forward for harmonization exercise and subsequent payment to your bank account. Therefore you are advised to immediately send the 1,160 British pounds to the British HM Custom Revenue office in fervor of their cashier whom his information was stated bellow through any fastest means of transfer i.e. western union money transfer.
We wish to assured you that we have put all our machinery in motion to effect this transaction as soon as we receive the Pin Code from British HM Custom Revenue office and their have also assured us that the Pin Code will be release to us as soon as they receive the stamp duty fee. So therefore you are advice to send down the stamp duty fee to enable us consummate the transferee of your transit fund to your bank account as we scheduled. Find bellow is the name of the Inland Revenue officer that you will be use for the payment.
ERIC CAMPBELL.
LONDON ENGLAND
Best regards
Mr. Victor J. Gozie
General Manager
Foreign Remittance Desk First Atlantic London

[Fine - let's leave him for now.
A quick reminder to the Lads in Ghana...]

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION!!?? Good! Now listen. I've had it with waiting for you to do a fucking thing, so here's the deal; AJ and I will arrive in Accra on July 19 at 4:20 am if all goes well, on flight B3254. You had better be there. And don't refer to us as "you people" ever again, got that?
Mr Michael Larthy:
Answer this message and confirm details of the hotel we'll be staying at, and do so before Saturday the 15th. Payment will be made when we arrive in Accra.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Here's what I got from Mr Gozie - and I don't have the paperwork! Please try it again, one at a time, reduced size. BTW, there'll be a ten-day or so hiatus from the 17th onwards as I've got a journey to make that I just can't dodge - so please hurry up with those documents!
Eliza Dane

[He doesn't want to "hot" Eliza... can mean only one thing...]

Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of the good news received from the London bank today, however after going through the content, I was so excited that the bank has put all their machinery in motion for the hitch free successful consummation of the approved fund to your bank account. Furthermore, out of that happiness, I invite a computer wizard to assist me with the scanning and am happy that we have gutting the best we can. As I complain in my previous mail to you, I don't main to hot you but to express my feeling because it will not be good to have it in my mind.
Consequent upon forgoing, am advising you to forward the inheritance certificate to the paying bank with their other requirements as they stated in their mail to you so that they can finalize the harmonization and affect the transferee to you as they promised.
Incase if the certificate did not open well you can forward it to the bank as its with the other requirement as gazette by the British law and wait for their response.
Attach is the certificates.
I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you have done that thanks and be bless.
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.

[He sent them again... still unmodified (not that I'm complaining about that...)]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I wonder why I bother telling you stuff...
Thanx to your computer wizard, 100% of the inheritance certificate came through, and 90% of the deposit certificate. But guess what! The first one is STILL WRONG! I TOLD you I'm Ms, not Mrs. Guess what? You left it as Mrs.
I TOLD you to have Thomas McCulloch as my uncle, not my brother, but did you put that right? No! Why the fuck not? Until you get it right I'm not sending anything!
Oh yeah, and I'm glad you don't want to 'hot' me, AJ would squash you like a bug if you tried. He can be very jealous... so don't even think about it, OK?
Eliza Dane

[Are you calling Eliza a liar, Mr Edy?
Bad idea, very bad idea indeed...]

Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
this is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, I am happy to hear that the certificates is better now so that we can move ahead and conclude this transaction for ones because further delay will not favor us, consequent upon forgoing, I wish to inform you that the first time you mention about the Ms. not Mrs.
And also that the Mr. McCulloch suppose to be your uncle not your brother, I forwarded the information to the office responsible for the insurance of those certificates for corrections, but they assured us that since the bank here has approved the fund on your behalf, that they will inform the British bank of the correction so therefore am advising you to go ahead and comply with the directive of the bank.
It may interest you to know that this transaction main a lot to my life so I will not afford to jeopardize it, immediate you informed me about that I repot back to the office immediately and they assured me that it will not harm our transaction that it will even make the whole thing to look more good. If we state making this changing, it may raise up some suspicious and it will automatically jeopardize the transaction opportunity, but they also assured me that as soon as you receive the inheritance fund in your account that we can make the correction for record.
So therefore, I will advice that we conclude this transaction first at list have this fund in your bank account and we can still make the correction if we wish.
Please comply with the bank so that they can affect the transferee at ones.
Thanks and remain bless.
Regards
Michael Larthy
Attn:Elizabeth Dane.
All you have to do is get to the nearest Ghana Embassy and request for a Tourist Visa.We will make a hotel reservation for you here.
The moment you get the Visa inform us about your travel arrangement.
Hoping to see you in Ghana the soonest.
Thanks.
Yours Faithfully,

Michael Larthy.
Michael Larthy
Attn:Elizabeth Dane.
From:Michael Larthy.
If you want any further information or if there is anything you don't understand, feel free to call any of these numbers and ask. The numbers are:Tel/Fax:+233217010836 or mobile:+233244608326.
Thanks.
Michael Larthy.

[Here's a major slap for him!]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Did you even read my email? One of the certificates has two big boobs - two pretty major fuckups - and the other one is incomplete. Not only that, but it flatly contradicts the other one! So no, the fucking certificates are not better now! AARRGGHH!
Don't call me a liar. That is about the worst thing you can call a follower of Father Odin. Not that I should give a flying foetid dingo's kidney for that, since you are fucking WRONG and I can totally prove it.
Here's what I sent on the 11th:
"It came through incomplete again - about two-thirds this time - but it was enough for me to see that it's fucked up.
Firstly, Mr McCulloch should be my UNCLE - NOT my brother.
Secondly, I'm not Mrs - I'm Ms.
Get it right, willya?"
NOW do you remember? HUH?
So it's back to you to make this work!
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Larthy,
I have the visa; I already sent you the arrival time in Accra.
Just on case you missed it - July 19, at 4:20 am on flight B3254 from Lagos.
Now give me those hotel details please.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
The company got in touch - I hope they'll come through with the hotel details quickly.
What you can do now is send me a picture of yourself so that AJ and I will be able to find you at the airport.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mails.
I appreciate the efforts you and AJ made to secure your flight tickets, hence you will arrive Accra-Ghana on the 19 July 2006, then the Hotel management will accompany me to pick you and AJ up at the airport. The picture is not necessary, but it will better for you to send yours to enable us spot you as your coming out from the terminal to identify you better.
We are to look for you at the airport and there is no problem finding you once you arrived at the airport. I am coming along with hotel staff with their vehicle to pick you and AJ at the airport on the 19th July 2006.
We will find out the exact time that your flight will arrive at the airport.
Most importantly, you have to provide your telephone number immediately because Mr.Michael Larthy will like to discuss with you on phone as soon as possible. Also you can still reach him on the Mobile number below.
STANDARD SECURITY & SERVICE COMPANY LTD ACCRA GHANA.
Tel/Fax: 00233217010836
Mobile: 00233244608326
Email: sssclgh500@yahoo.com
NAME OF THE MANAGER CUSTOMER CARE: MICHAEL LARTHY.
Kindly get back to me and update me of the development. Please send to me your telephone number quickly.
Regards,
Mr Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
WHAT HOTEL IS IT? Freyja soothe my aching head! Why can't you answer a simple question?
I don't want to speak to Michael Larthy. If you'd done your job we wouldn't need that firm. The less said to him the better.
See you on the 19th. And don't keep us waiting!
Eliza Dane
Michael Larthy
Eliza Dane.
Received your mail give me your phone number as I will like to talk with you on phone.
Thanks.
Michael Larthy.
(Manager costormers care)

[I can't do that, largely because of chromosomal problems (Eliza is XX, I'm XY).]

Eliza Dane
Mr Larthy,
There's nothing to discuss.
In fact, under the circumstances, there should have been no reason for us to have talked at all, but Ewele Sam saw fit to involve you because he deposited my cheque with you.
I never asked him to do that.
He gave you the duty of finding me a hotel.
I didn't ask for that either.
He said that you had the duty of getting visas for me and my boyfriend.
AJ did that himself.
So, there's nothing really to discuss.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail. However, on the receipt of your mail I contacted the director of the office responsible for the insurance of the those certificates and informed him about your complain ones again and appeal for the re-insurance of those certificates, although it was a difficult tax for him to accept that but he promise me to come back tomorrow for the re-issuances.
However, I will be there tomorrow as we scheduled to pick up the new certificates, I will like you to do me a favor, please indicate the mistake your talking about so that they will correct it in the new ones, is it only to change the brother to uncle and also to change the Mrs. To Ms.
Please if there is any other things that you want them to correct in the certificates please do not inform me so that we will all do that at ones. As you made mention that you always receive the certificates incompletion, it may interest you to know that is not my fault that is from your system because is always ok here that is why I demand for a fax line so that it will appear the way its, but I will still scan then and send to you.
Please inform me if there is any other mistake in the certificates so that I will make the correction at ones.
I will be waiting to here from you thanks
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.
Michael Larthy
Eliza Dane.
I dont work with Gost who dont have a common phone number. I gave my office number and my private number.
I need your phone number your home addrest if I can do anything with you ok.
Thanks.
Larthy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Larthy,
If you've got anything else to say, then say it to Ewele Sam.
I don't like you and that's all I'm going to say about it.
Eliza Dane

[I attach my standard Eliza pic (a cropped image of Sophie Monk visiting Australian troops serving in Baghdad).]

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Remind me again what we want with this Michael Larthy prick. He's got a fucking bad attitude and he's called me a Gost or whatever that is. What the fuck is his problem? I don't need trouble from him since we're leaving in two days for South Africa for the connecting flight to Lagos that gets us to Accra. Tell him that since I didn't want him in the deal, he can fucking well stay at arm's length. You give me the cheque; I give you the money (plus a sweetener for you) to give to the finance house to settle the deal.
As for the hotel, I guess since you won't tell me, then we'll take pot luck.
I've attached a picture taken on New Year's Eve at my mother's plant nursery. You'll know me when you see me!
See you on Wednesday morning.
Eliza Dane

[I think I should have let the mistake about the amount on the form go unremarked. Maybe I could have used it later. Too late...]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Didn't you look at those docs as you were scanning them in?
You mean to tell me that the fact that the last deposit certificate you sent read FIVE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS just fucking well passed you by?
And don't blame me for your crap hardware. The death certificate came through fine, the bank sent me a 1.4 Meg letter and it came through fine. The fault ain't here.
You've got two days to get this right, because I leave for a brief holiday of about ten days - part photoshoot, part business trip.
So get your computer wizard (personally I think you scored Ron Weasley, not Harry Potter) to fucking well do his job for once.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
I received your mail and your picture that you attached.
Listen, Mr.Michael Larthy is the manager customer care of the finance house and you have to be in good relationship with him to avoid confussion in this transaction. What exactly did you discussed with him? What really happened between you and him? Let me know urgently so that we'll know what to do as quickly as possible because time is not on our side, hence you and AJ will arrive on Wednesday next week.
Based on the hotel issue, the finance house management said that they will get the hotel where you and AJ will lodge once you arrived in Accra Ghana on Wednesday and they will provide the name of the hotel to you before Monday. Now you have to understand the fact that the payment in no more in cheque, but they finance house said that after you sign the fund release order documents with the officials, then they will release the payment to your account. So let all parties involved sort this matter out now.
Eliza, i want you to understand that it is difficult to do business of this nature without you the beneficiary to provide reachable telephone number to the finance house, because they needed to talk to you on the phone. Also i will like to speak to you too.
Get back to me quickly and let us finalise the arrangement asap.
Regards,
Mr Ewele.

[Don't tell me Ewele Sam's getting stroppy! What could be doing that?]

[ stroppy : Oz for cranky.]

Michael Larthy
Eliza Dane,
Infact I don't understand you very well.What is wrong in giving me your telehpone number? We are yet to meet for the first time and you are behaving as if there is something wrong with us.If you don't want to give out your phone number to me then feel free to call me so, we can iron things out.
Remember we still have to do great things together when ever you are here in Accra.
We don't have to quarrel over matters like that.
Thanks and take care.
Mr. Larthy.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Yes, I know who Michael Larthy is. The big problem is that I know about him at all.
If you'd done the sensible thing and put the cheque in a safe deposit box or somewhere like that we'd have been fine. Instead you put it in the fucking finance house and expected me to take the money in cash! So that's why I am not talking to Michael Larthy - I don't want to because I've got no business with him. I just want the fucking cheque, FROM YOU. We don't need him for that!
As for the hotel, what the fuck is the problem? You've had weeks to prep for this, and now you're telling me you won't know before Monday? Well, that's too fucking late, we fly out on Sunday! AJ wants to see a little bit of South Africa before we head for Ghana.
So, see you on Wednesday. And make sure that hotel is quality, not some fleapit.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however I am happy to inform you that the authority has corrected the mistakes in the certificates and forward them to the bank in London yesterday. Please now that the authority has done all this, I am advising that you comply with the bank directive so that the bank will affect the transferee as they promised so that you can also receive the payments before you can travel.
Although the authority said that you can retrieve the certificate from the bank as soon as your transferee is affected to you and also informed me that they could have not do that but they have to do that for the last time.
I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you conclude with the bank.
Thanks, YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
What with all these stupid delays sending that fee is going to be impossible now. We're leaving early tomorrow, we spent all day with final preps, and there just won't be the time.
Could you stall the bank for me? They won't be that apeshit over just $180, surely?
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane
Sequel to the mail I sent to you without hearing any thing from you, I wish to know the position of the transaction.
If in any case you want to stop out of your own well, please do inform me so that I can look for way forward to avoid jeopardizing this transaction to me because I will not forgive you if you succeed in doing that. I will be waiting to hear from you.
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.

[Resuming contact, July 24...]

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
I just returned from South Africa - which would have been just fine, except that I should still be in Accra, Ghana!
Some nameless cocksucker in reservations failed to get us on the connecting flight to Accra.
AJ and I spent two days vegging out at Jo-burg airport before we were gently but firmly put on a plane home.
Now I am tired, I have a chill, and that cheque is as far away as ever.
Now what?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
This wasn't the best thing that I found in my inbox when I got back from South Africa - except that I should be in Ghana, celebrating my new-found wealth.
Things got totally fucked in my travels, I have a nasty chill, and that money I was going to get in Accra looks as far away as ever.
Sheeyah - but maybe it'll end up good. It rests with Wyrd.
What do I still have to do with your business?
I'm out of touch and my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton wool.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Am very happy to hear from you today, I have been very worried for not hearing from you for somedays now, am very sorry for what happened to you and AJ, I always wanted to help you, please let me know how you want to receive your cheque now, do you want it to be mailed to your door step? or will you still come to ghana to collect it? I have return back to benin. Please let me hear from you urgently to know the next step to follow.
I await your urgent response.
Ewele Sam.

[Looking for any confirmation that he went to Ghana...]

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Thanx for being there.
You didn't have any problems getting there and back did you? And there weren't any problems with those fuckwits at the finance company, were there?
It seems unlikely that I can get to Ghana again, at least not any time soon.
I'll have to think about what to do.
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
Sequel to the last mail I sent to you without any response from you, I wish to inform you that my condition is very critically at this moment because of this transaction,
Please do update me with the latest developments so that I will have rest of mind unless you want me deed.
Do inform me the situation of the transaction either god or bad. I will be waiting to hear from you.
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I told you I was just returned, laid up sick, but ready to pick up where we left off. And now you reply as if you'd heard nothing, with some bullshit about me wanting to kill you! What the fuck? Are you coked up or something?
I asked you to stall the bank for me. Did you? Should I go ahead or is there something else I should be doing?
Eliza Dane

[Looks like they're going for Plan C.]

Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your quick response, kindly let me know if you will like the draft to be mailled to your door step, without you having to come to ghana again.
I will wait to hear from you on this matter urgently
Mr Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Yeah, send me the cheque. Enough travel.
Tell you what - pop the cheque in the post. Once it arrives I'll send you something for your trouble. What did it cost you to go to Ghana? Would $5,000 be enough for your time and effort?
Eliza Dane

[No confirmation for a safari - but this sets a record for postage costs...]

Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Many thanks for your offer, I appreciate your offer, I want you to send the mailling cost of the cheque, so that the cheque can be mailled to your door step without any further delay.
The mailling of the cheque will cost you sum of $350 while the insurance fee is $250, amounting to $600 total. You can make the payment in favour of: Mr Onyenweife Emmanuel Anagor
City: Cotonou
Country: Benin Republic
Text Question: Colour
Answer: Green
And also remember to send to me the control number of the payment that is the MTCN for easy and fast collection of the payment. I would have use my own personal money to send the cheque to you, but I don"t have any money on me for now. Do get back to me with the payment information.
Regards
Ewele.

[And this sets a personal record for the use of a specific obscenity in one message.]

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Excuse me? $350 to post a fucking letter? $250 dollars for insurance? Are you off your fucking head? All you need is a fucking postage stamp! Just put the cheque inside a greeting card and post the fucking thing to my address! And I don't want any fucking insurance! Just post the fucking thing!
What fucking planet do you live on?
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, I wish to remind you that I did as you said but from the information I had, the bank have become worried why you have not get back to them and that is what I don't want.
Secondly, I have to also assured you that I have never work any thing against you that all what I have been doing is for mutual benefit of us, so therefore, you can go ahead and send the fee to London so that the bank will conclude all their statutory procedure and effect the transaction to you as they approved.
Although you are still free to inform me incase you are tired with transaction so that I can look for an alternative on how to conclude the transaction because I cant allowed the transaction to hang just like that and all what it will take is for you to write the bank that you will send some one to conclude the transaction on your behalf and with that some one else will come in and conclude the transaction and eat your own shear.
I will be waiting to hear from you but we still have the chance of concluding the transaction together, only what it will have to take is to you to send the fee to London and receive the approved payment for mutual benefit.
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.
Eliza Dane
Dear Mr Gozie, Here are the documents that I promised a while back.
Sorry about the delay.
The $180 will be sent once you confirm you've got the paperwork.
Eliza Dane

[The fee should be $1800, not $180... will they notice?]

Victor Gozie
DearElizaDanewe are in receipt of your mail with the requirements attached with it and we have to also inform you that we are waiting for the fee to enable us effect your payment to you as we schedules.
Regards,
Victor Gozie

[Apparently not...
Victor Gozie makes a real dog's breakfast of the intro.]

Eliza Dane
Mr Gozie,
Hey, dude, learn to use the return key, OK? It looks bad bunched up like that!
It's too late to send the $180 today; it'll have to be tomorrow.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Thanx for the delaying action. It's all for the good. I sent them the documents, though I had to change the Mrs to Ms myself. I hope they don't notice...
Tired? No fucking way! I want this done just as much as you! Why the fuck do you think I'd be tired?
Can't understand where you're coming from...I'll send the $180 when they confirm the paperwork. Then it's party time!
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
DEAR ELIZA,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of the mail you sent to me yesterday, however, I am happy to hear from you ones again and to know that your working on how to conclude the transaction as we plan.
However, I have to advice you to send the fee as you said so that the bank can affect the transferee as we plan. Please do update me as soon as you send the fee to the bank and the banks have the funds transferee to you as they promised you before now.
I will be waiting to hear from you.
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane

[Time for another monkey wrench. First, set the scene:]

Mr Gozie,
Does a Mike Anderson work for you?
Eliza Dane

[Drawing details from an earlier bait (A TALE OF TWO DANES), I casually give them the bad news...]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I was going to send the money but then Mr Anderson told me the payment details had changed: They want 5000 pounds or $12,455 sent to via Western Union to Clayton Ian at 68 Knightsbridge Road, London SWIX 7NT. Then he said this: "However,you are required to scan or fax your passport for identification,preferably your driving licence or international passport for identification". Fuck me - do I have to go through all that again?
I've written to Mr Gozie to confirm it.
It's a fucking big change, if you ask me!
Eliza Dane

[What are 'hoodlums operating on a different level'? Something from a video game?]

Victor Gozie
Dear Eliza Dane.
Sequel to the receipt of your mail, I wish to categorical inform you that we don't have such name working with us here, be advice of some hoodlums operating in deferent level.
So therefore, you are advice to send the required fee immediately to enable us effect the transaction to you we scheduled.
Regards,
Victor Gozie

[Mr Edy made a personal trip to the bank! Wow, that is so nice of him.]

Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, after going through your mail, I proceed to the local bank here to find out what could be the resin why the bank change the payments details and also add an additional fee on the required fee, but the information I got is that nothing have been change that it must be the activity of individual that must have known about the delays in your payments. However, it may interest you to know that I have said this time without number that delay is dangerous, but I will still advice you that you send the fee to London in favor of ERIC CAMPBELL. Address LONDON ENGLAND as they advice you initially so that we can receive this payment as we plan. Please take note of this, now that those imposters have gotten some information about your approved payments, am very sure that they will be trying in different angle either to scam some fund from you or to divert the fund to their own selfish interest, but since we have inform the local bank about this incident, am sure the they will advice the London bank to make sure the they do not give these imposters room for any kind of diversion but make sure that they credit the fund to you as soon as you send the fee.
Please take not of this, any body that send you any thing from any wear either claim to come from the bank or from my side do not hesitate to forward it to this E-mail, it may interest you to know they may send you something from different E-mail address and be telling you that this one is not ok, but if you receive such mail, please forward them to me and don't answer them.
However, I know that the only solution to this is to send the fee to the bank through the above name so that the bank can transferee the funds to you as they promise.
Please send the fee to London and get back to me because more delay will be more dangerous, send the fee and update me.
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Gozie,
Just what are "hoodlums operating in deferent level" and how did they know to write to me with all those details?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I'm not as sanguine about this as you are.
Mr Gozie wrote back about "hoodlums operating in deferent level", whatever the fuck that means.
Whoever this Anderson guy is, he quoted a lot of details about the business - which means he knows what we're doing. I asked Mr Gozie to explain further. I'm worried that there may be a security breach somewhere in his bank. I'll see what he says.
Eliza Dane

[Now you'd think a banker would be concerned with fraudsters contacting his clients... but no.]

Victor Gozie
Dear Eliza Dane.
Sequel to your mail of today, the hoodlums is fraudsters and they can impersonate someone that their don't know, however, we wish to inform you that your payment have been approved for long time now and still remain unpaid.
So therefore, it's obvious that they may get your details through your approvals, we just inform you about the mows for your safety. However, this is to also inform you that we will not write or send any mail to you in respect of this your transaction again and if we did not hear from you we will cancel the programmed funds and return the fund back to the treasury.
Regards,
Victor Gozie

[Eliza is surprisingly restrained with the Banker Lad, even as she mentions the wrong sum of money again.]

Eliza Dane
Mr Gozie,
You can't just return the money to treasury, you have the documents proving it to be mine, so enough with the stupid threats! I don't like your attitude, MR Gozie, and as I'm your customer, MR Gozie, you are here to serve me! It ain't the other way around! Just because you sit in some plush office in London doesn't make you better than me. You do as I say. You got that, MR Gozie?
I will send the $180 once you send me more details about Eric Campbell.
Specifically, you have to provide me with the serial number of his personal ID (passport, driving licence, or the like) which will be used for extra security with the transaction.
With fraudsters apparently loose in your bank, I ain't taking any chances.
Do that now.
Eliza Dane

[Nothing from Ewele Sam after the last message - let's get him back.]

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Are you serious? $600 to post a fucking letter? Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
That Victor Gozie has lost it.
A little delay, and he chucks a hissy fit. He said that his last email really was the last email and he'd put the money back.
What a fucking jerk! Just because he's some dipshit paper-shuffler in a London office he thinks he's Lord fucking Muck.
Well, I read him the riot act. I think he'll play ball now. More as it develops.
Eliza Dane

[Well, he is serious - no surprises there!]

Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Am very seriouse, the only way the draft can be deliverd to you is if you send the mailing cost of $600 then your draft can be mailled to you without anydelay. But if you can't, there is nothing I can do than to keep your cheque or have it return back to my boss.
I await your urgent response
Ewele
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
There is no "can't" about this.
After all this, it's the last twist of the knife for you to demand $600 for the mailing of a fucking piece of paper.
Worse, for some reason you're insisting that I send to cash to some other dude entirely.
There is just one word for both puzzles - WHY?
Why does it cost so much, and why am I supposed to send the money to someone else? AND - what guarantee do I have that you'll even post the fucking thing? You've given me no reason to trust you so far.
So why don't you send the cheque back to Sam Adimorah? Would you charge him $600 for that? Maybe he would send me the cheque and pay the fee out of the $5000 I sent him...
Eliza Dane
Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, after going through your mail I seem to be in darkness but after a shot while, I then recover my self back and proceed to the local bank here to make inquiry and know why the whole thing is going this way, but from the inquiry I made in the bank, I understood why the bank said that they will never write youin in respect of this fee again. However, from the information I received from the bank, they are informing us that it has been a long time now that you have been informing them that you will send the fee to them ever day after another before they start wondering if you're the original beneficiary of the approved funds because if you're the beneficiary, you must know the statutory presidio of inheritance funds and comply with it.
Secondly, it may interest you to know that this transaction have caused a lot to me so therefore, I will not forgive any body that jeopardize the transaction and that is why I told you to write to the bank and inform them that your going to send some one to conclude this transaction on your behalf since the inheritance fund was approved with your name instead of loosing the transaction all together, am still reputing myself again that if in any case your tired, that you should write to the bank and inform them that you will send some one to conclude the transaction on your behalf instead of causing a big damage to the transaction and levee me with no alternative.
Please I don't want the bank to retune the funds to the treasury because the Nigerian governments will like to know why the funds was not paid as they approved witch will course more damage to the transaction but from my discovery, I find out that we still have some chance of sending the fee to the bank so that they can process the fund and transferee the fund to you without any further delays or you can write to the bank and infirm them that you are out of station so therefore that you are sending some one to send the fee with another bank account information's.
Please one more, I am advising you to send the fee to the bank so that we can conclude this transaction at ones.
Send the fee to the bank and confirm to me.
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.

[What's a "statutory presidio"?]

[With a mixture of scorn and profanity, Eliza lays down the law.]

Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
For fuck's sake!
Do you have whipped cream for a backbone or something?
Do you cringe because some pin-striped twat gets up on his hind legs and whinges like a fucking five-year-old, "I'm not going to talk to her any more, so yah boo sucks to you"?
I am not going to send a fucking cent until I am absolutely fucking certain that the money is going to the right person.
That Anderson guy has written to me again, exactly the same demand, saying that Victor Gozie is under investigation and that he is now in charge of the account, and to disregard the threat to return the money to treasury. It sounds like he's pretty fucking well clued in on what's happening, wouldn't you say?
Now, grow a pair and tell the bank to tell you Eric Campbell's ID details so you can tell me what they are and I'll send them their $180 by a secure transfer option.
You got that?
Eliza Dane
Sam Adimorah

[Sam - oh yeah, it began with you, didn't it?]

DEAR ELIZA,
How are you, hoping ok with you, I know you must have been wondering why you have not heard from me all this while, I have been very busy with the project I hard at hand, and I don't even have access to check my email.
Has my secretary send you the cheque? what is the possition between you and my Friend Mr Aroh Edy? have you concluded the transaction with him?
Kindly update me on what is going on, between you and my very good friend Mr Aroh Edy and my secretary.
I await your immediate update.
Regards
Sam
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, am a very honest person, we have been communicating for some time now, am a man of my word, my word is my bond, and I don't joke with it.
Your draft has giving me a lot of stress, I think I have tried my best for you, you made me come to ghana without seen you, I even spent my own personal money to bring your draft to you all the way from Benin to ghana without seen you, now tell me who is to be blame?
I have done my best for you and you know that, if you don't want your cheque to be sent to you, you can forget about it, am not focing you to take your cheque, I was only following my boss instructions, apart from that, I don't think I can be wasting my time giving you instruction on how to take your draft.
So it will be for your best interest for you to comply with my directives so that your draft can be send to you without anydelay.
I give you my word once more, that as soon as I receive the mailling cost of $600 I promise you that you will get your cheque in the next three working days.
I await your urgent response
Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I think the word I'm looking for is FUBAR.
Ewele Sam didn't send me the cheque - you'll remember that I was going to pick it up - but there was a screwup in my travel plans and we got cut short in Johannesburg. So, I told him to post it - and the little weasel wants $600 to put a fucking cheque in the mail!
What's more, he wants me to send the money via Western Union to someone else entirely! What's that all about - gambling debts, or his pusher maybe? I know he took a bath on the trip to Ghana, but this is just fucked! I promised him $5000 the moment that cheque hits my door, but it seems that's not enough. Now he's threatening to send the cheque back to you. Sheeyah.... He's as much use as a fishnet condom.
Aryoh Edy - well, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this bank, but they're refusing to talk to me after I warned them something was wrong, that there was someone posing as them and demanding money from me. I just don't get it!
And Aryoh Edy is taking their side. What the fuck is he thinking? Any chance you could cool him down for me?
Please?
Eliza
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
I don't doubt your honesty, just your intelligence.
Why is it you can't answer my questions? Huh? Listen up, Mr Tightpants, I spent a bucket of cash on the Ghana jaunt - and I won't get it back.
If you want to blame someone, fine, but fucking well leave me out of it! And I've just contacted Sam Adimorah to find out what's happening... and I'll have to ask him if you really had his permission to try to gouge me for $600!
Eliza Dane
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Many thanks for the update, I spoke with Ewele yesterday to find out why he still has not sent the cheque to you, and the reason why he wants you to send the money with another persons name, and he told me that he would have use his own money to post the cheque to you but right now he is financial handcap, that is why you must pay the $600 to enable him post the cheque to you.
As you may no, that the cheque is not an ordinary cheque is a classified one, that is why he wants to make sure that he followed all my instructions to make sure that the cheque gets to you without anymistakes.
My DEAR ELIZA, you don't have to blame Ewele for his actions, although I told him to make sure that the cheque gets to you safely, that if anything happens to the cheque that am going to hold him respossible, I think that is why he is been very careful with the cheque to avoid anymistakes. I will strongly advise you to comply with him, so that the cheque can be deliverd to you with immediate effect becaues I don't like the way this matter is taking long, you supose to be celebrating now.
As for Mr Aroh, please give me every details about your dealings with him, you know am the one who introduce you to him, and I will not be happy if you did not conclude the transaction well with him. so I want you to brief me in details about your dealings with him, so that I can call him and talk to him.
I will be waiting your urgent response.
RegardsSam.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I really expected better from you. I wanted an answer that made sense.
Instead you give me some bafflegab about a classified cheque. What the fuck is a classified cheque?
What's so special that it costs $600 to put in the fucking post? And who the Hel is this Onyenweife Emmanuel Anagor I'm supposed the send the money to?
Sam, this is starting to make me twitchy. I sent you $5000, remember? And I got nothing of that 100% risk free deal you promised me. Now I'm having flashbacks...
I truly want to believe in you, Sam,
but Holy Father Odin tells us to follow our instincts, and I am listening to that inner voice. It wants reassurance.
What can you offer me?
As for Aroh Edy... what's to say? I did exactly what he wanted, even though he couldn't get the proper documents to me (his fucking scanner must have been on the fritz). I had to break off to go to Ghana (as you remember, that went pear-shaped).
As it happened, first Victor Gozie got all snarly at the delay, then someone else claiming to be from the First Atlantic chimed in to claim Gozie was out of the loop and he - Michael Anderson - was handling the business. I'm calling for some clarification here, but Victor Gozie has decided I'm on the outer and won't communicate with me.
I'm asked Aroh Edy to be my go-between and get some info from the bank so I can send their fee, but so far, zilch.
Over to you, I guess.
I'm going over to AJ's to share the hot tub with him. We both have to relax a bit... Let me know what happens.
Eliza

[When things go pear-shaped, they always offer to throw you a bone...
A "power of Anthony" is a new one, though.]

Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane,
Sequel to my last mail to you, I wish to inform you that I have find some one else that will help me with the conclusion of this transaction rather allowing you to jeopardize with the transaction because am sure that am the person that invite you in this transaction and is the same me that is asking you to send the fee to London in favor of Eric, knowing too well that I will not be in a party that will contribute any thing that will jeopardize the transaction, however, from the information we received from the local bank here, that you have to write to the London bank and inform them that some one will come and conclude the transaction on your behalf.
Therefore, please I will advice you to write to the bank and inform them that due to some resign around you, that some one else will assist you and conclude this transaction on your behalf because from the arrangement I had with the new person that will assist me with the conclusion of this transaction is that you have to write a letter to the bank and inform them about the new change and also write a letter of acceptance to me before he will involve him self with the conclusion of the transaction. So therefore, am advising that you write the letter of authorization to the bank and also write draft a letter of acceptance to me and a power of Anthony with the name of Mr. Paul Maes, and send it to me so that he can be able to assist me and finalize this transaction without any further delays as he said. I promise to allocate something to you as soon as we are through with the transaction.
I will be waiting to received the letter by for now and remain bless.
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.

[Well... so I have a Lad admitting to have taken money from me!]

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, it is true that you sent $5000 to me for the transaction, that is why am compesating you for all your effort in the past. that is why I i kept the cheque for you. Now you will have to find out from Ewele, the reason why he wants you to send the mailling cost with another person name insteady of his own name, and find out from him the reason.
As for Aroh Edy, Please always keep me updated on your dealings, what ever that goes wrong you should let me know, I will always be of help to you if anything goes wrong.
I await more update
Sam.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
So you've found someone else to do this for you? Well, tell him to fuck off, I'm not out of this, I'm telling you!
Victor Gozie has chosen not to talk to me, the snobby little cocksucker, and for some reason I'll never understand you're backing him.
Someone else tried to hijack the business and rip me off, I try to take some steps to safeguard my ass, and suddenly I'M the scapegoat who's going to get tossed out on her ear?
Well, fuck you, it ain't happening. It'll be Ragnarok before I back out on your say-so. You can shove your power of attorney and letter of authorisation both up Paul Maes' butt. Get back to that asswipe Gozie and tell him to tell you what I said - and do it NOW!
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Ewele Sam is your secretary, why don't you ask him?
Thor's beard! I've asked him several times already about that $600 and he just won't answer my questions. I think he'll only answer you.
As for Mr Edy... he tried to give me the boot. I said no to that. Sorry to diss your friend and all that, but he's turning into a prize jerkwad. I can't make him see sense. I hope he does.
You didn't ask, but what the hell, I had a really good session in the hot tub last night. I am really lucky to have AJ.
Eliza

[No big payday - so Sam tries for some crumbs...]

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
I have talk to Ewele, and he told me that the person that he said you should send the money with his name was his personal assistance. I have talk with him the way I can, now let me see how I can help you, I want you to send half of the mailling cost to Ewele, and I will help you pay the balance, I want to make sure that you receive your cheque before this week runs out.
Please let me know when you send the money to Ewele, so that I can send the balance to him immediately to enable him post your cheque to you.
I await your urgent response.
Sam.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
You have got to be fucking kidding!
Holy Mother Frigga, you took $5000 from me, you got out that $20 million to India, why the fuck do I have to pay a fucking dime of that $600? It's only fair that you pay the lot!
Thor's beard, you have the chutzpah to want more! That really makes me mad!
Eliza
Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however am not trying to back you up but that you are trying to jeopardize the transaction and for the fact that this transaction main a lot to me and I have done a lot too to ensure that this transaction is secured so therefore I will not be a body to any one that will jeopardize the transaction.
As you said, am not that hart less but am trying to safeguard the transaction at all cost, although you still have chance to conclude this transaction with me, so if you still have the urge to move on with me you can still send the fee to them in London as they advice you before now.
I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you're through.
Regards
Mr.Aroh Edy.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
I'll keep it simple.
Get Eric Campbell's ID details to me, as I stated, and I send the $180 as I said. Without that, no money. With either a stooge in the bank, or a hacker at work, I'm being careful.
Holy Father Odin tells his people to heed their instincts, and my inner voice is telling me to take extra care over this.
Eliza Dane
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Am in receipt of your mail, and I want to let you know that am not even forcing you to take your check, look if you don't want the check I can take it back, first and formost I don't like the way you talk to me, I must let you know that you are in no way my mate, I have your mate as my daughter and you should mind the way you talk to me. If you don't want the check, I can order my secrectary to return the check back to me.
Regards
Mr Sam.

[Why are so many Lads uncomfortable with bad language?
"I must let you know that you are in no way my mate, I have your mate as my daughter" - what the hell does that mean?]

Eliza Dane
Sam,
If you don't like my style, tough, it's the way I've always been. Deal with it. You might want to explain what the Hel you mean by, "I must let you know that you are in no way my mate, I have your mate as my daughter". Huh?
Sam, if you really meant to do the right thing by me, you'd have sent the cheque to me without all this fucking song-and-dance routine, without these demands for petty cash. Why the fuck I should give you more, when I gave you thousands all ready, is a mystery to me. There was never any need for that bludger Ewele Sam to get involved.
I can understand why Aroh Edy is asking me to settle that bill with the bank (whenever the fucking bank is ever going to get with the program), but not you.
Eliza
Eliza Dane
Sam,
So I suppose this silence means goodbye again? It's a pity. I just wonder why you tried to cheat me a second time. Was all this just for $600? Was that all I ever meant to you?
Eliza
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
For what it's worth, I think Sam Adimorah has dumped me, and I have absolutely no idea if it affects our business. Call him and find out what the fuck he's up to.
Eliza Dane
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thanks for your mail, Eliza, look let me tell you something, I like you very much, and I took you like my own daughter, I will never hot you or do anything that will hot you. I told you to send half of the $600 to Ewele, and I will direct Ewele on how to get the balance, from a friend of my, because where I am right now, I can not send money out, I would have pay the whole of the $600 for he shipping cost for you, but try and reason with me, I want you to know that there is no way I can deceive you on anything.
Please let me know what is going on between you and My friend Mr Aroh Edy, becaues where I am now I can not make or receive calls, am very busy with my partner here in paraguay, have you finish the transaction with my friend Aroh Edy?, please let me here from you and have it in mind that I will never do any bad to you.
Please let me know when you send half of the shipping fee to Ewele, so that I will advise him on where to go and get he balance.
I await your immediate update
Mr Sam.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
What the fuck are you doing in Paraguay? What happened to the deal in India? Don't tell me someone's sold you down the river - !
As for Aroh Edy, fuck knows what he's up to. The stupid dickhead's cut me dead - he had a hissy fit and took his toys home.
He's the only way to keep this secure - I'm sure there's some stooge in the bank and he needs to work with me to get around it, only he's too fucking dumb to see things my way. I could send the money any time if only he did what I said.
Oh, and you'd better not think of "hotting" me, because if you do, AJ will bust your balls - I told you he can get really jealous...
Eliza
Aroh Edy
Dear, Eliza Dane
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, however, I am concluding the transaction already so do not border your self but I promise that I will give you something as soon as am through with the transaction.
Although, you have to know that it's your stubbornness is the thing that stops you to shear this fund with you although as I said before I will give you something as appreciation.
I will write you as soon as am through but don't allow any other person to dupe you again because I am through with my transaction sorry.
YOURSFAITHFULLY,
MR AROH EDY.
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
How the fuck can you conclude your transaction? I never gave you that power of attorney! You're just blowing smoke!
What the Hel is your game?
Eliza Dane
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, and how was your weekend, in regards to your question on what am doing in paraguay, I have some project that am runing with my partner and will soon return to india, when are you planing to send the half of the mailling cost to Ewele as advise,so that I will direct him on how to get the balance.
And also try and comply with Mr Aroh Edy so that they can transfer the money in your account.
I await your urgent response
Mr Sam.

[It's time to say goodbye, as only Eliza can... ]

Eliza Dane
Sam,
This is what Aroh Edy told me: "I am concluding the transaction already so do not border your self but I promise that I will give you something as soon as am through with the transaction.
Although, you have to know that it's your stubbornness is the thing that stops you to shear this fund with you although as I said before I will give you something as appreciation.
I will write you as soon as am through but don't allow any other person to dupe you again because I am through with my transaction sorry."
What "other person"? You, Sam - his email was headed, "i will get back to you as soon as am through with transaction, dont alow to be dupe again as you said that sam dupe you".
I never actually said that you duped me, but he somehow thought I did, and that's got me thinking. Why would he say that? He's your life-long friend, and if he thinks I've been duped, then I really have to listen...
I prayed in my back garden tonight, under the oak that stands for Yggdrasil the World Tree, and Odin gave me this wisdom; "Trust not in Sam Adimorah, nor in Aroh Edy, nor in Ewele Sam,
for they are all akin to Loki".
When the all-Father speaks to me, I listen.
So let's end this whole business amicably- if I could, I would make a blood eagle of each of you - YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKING SHITHEAD LYING CHEATING ARSELICKING PILLOWBITERS! Fuck you all. Fuck you all! FUCK YOU ALL!
Eliza Dane

[And thus it ended... for a little while... actually for close to two months...]

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, am sorry I have not been able to email you since, I have been very busy with some work, what is really going on with you.
Kindly update me Asap.
Regards
Sam.
Eliza Dane
Sam?
What the FUCK? Last I heard from you, you were in Paraguay, Aryoh Edy had just accused you of trying to put one over me, and Ewele Sam... the less said about that little turd the better!
What the fuck happened? Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA, How are you today hope fine? I just want to know what is going on between you and mr Aroh Edy did you people conculd the business. Again what is problem between you and ewele sam becuase he coplained to that you never recieve your draft till now what is going on i want to hear from u soon ok. Thanks and God bless. Samuel Adimorah
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Aryoh Edy dumped on you and dumped me, Ewele Sam tried to gouge me, and the bank wanker chucked a hissy fit. In the middle of all that, you ran off to Paraguay.
THAT is why I lost my fucking temper!
Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA, tThank you very much for your urgent response.first of all i told you before that i am sorry for what happened and that is the reason i am trying to see that i make you happy but you did not aprecaite all.all you do is to acuse me every time. Please try and coprate whith ewele because i have instruct him what to on your behalf.please try to coprate whith him well because he is angry about how you followed him. Again Aroh Edy also was very angry because, He told me that he did not see reason why some body he wanted to help can not coprated with his instruction.so write to him and ask him the next thing to ok and get back to me. Thanks and God bless. sam adimorah
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I did NOT accuse you of anything! It was Aryoh Edy, your so-called childhood friend, who said you were duping me!
Ewele Sam is a prize asshole with the brains of a chicken nugget. Anyone who can demand $600 to post a fucking letter isn't worth the air he breathes.
And back to Aryoh Edy - I was getting messages from the bank demanding over $12000 and the bank then saying that those messages were lies, and THEN refusing to talk to me at all, I mean, what the fuck...? Freyja soothe my aching head!
Well, that's it. What to do now?
Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thank you for your mail.concern ewele sam i want you to understand he is just a secretary siting in the office. All you have to do is this send 150usd to ewele tell him that the boss will coplete the rest. I will helpo you to send 250^sd because the i contact one ofthe diplomatic in benin and they agree to deleiver the consighment to you at the rate of 400usd,so contact him now. About Aroh Edy write to him ask him the next thing to do.do not be stuborn to him because he realy want to do the transaction with you just bcause of me. Awaiting to hear from you regarding what he said.Thanks and God bless. samuel adimorah---
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Aryoh Edy basically orders me to hand over everything to some fuckwit named Paul Maes, I refuse, and he drops me like a hot brick. And now I'm supposed to crawl back to him and beg his forgiveness? Sam,
IT WASN'T MY FAULT! No way am I going to grovel!
As to Ewele Sam... you're talking about a consignment... not cash! Thor's beard, I DON'T WANT CASH! Just send me a cheque, in an envelope, no song and dance with some diplomat. It doesn't need a diplomat! Just an envelope and a stamp! Just send me the cheque and I'll remit the $400!
Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thank you again for your mail.i do not like the idea of not going back to Aroh Edy i want you to understant that i just doing this to please you.again i want you to be in mind that there is no way of making money that is easy you must cross many thing.so go back and write to him,if he siad you should contact person go ahead and contact the person because it is for your own good ok. For your cheque i want you to understand that it is not as easy as you think accordig to ewele.so better send him the 150usd so that he will able to deliever the consighment to you.Thanks and God bless.
Sam Adimorah.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I don't have Aryeh Edy's address any more.
Too, there's no point in dealing with Ewele Sam, as my cheque expired over a month ago.
Eliza

[Sam can't decide whether or not to use the CAP LOCK - so he compromises.]

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thank you for your reply,i want you to understend that because that the cheque had expaired that is the reason i asked ewele to change the check to cash payment. THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT BASED ON THIS WE HAVE MAKING ARRANGEMENT WITH BANK TO PAY YOUR MONEY TO YOU, WE HAVE RESOLVED WITH THE BANK TO PAY YOU THROUGH A DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE. THE BANK HAS APPROVED THE SUM OF $1,200 000.00 TO OFFSET THE BILL OF SHIPPING COST AND HAVE PACKAGED your FULL PAYMENT IN TWO IRON SEALED BOXES TO SEND TO YOU THROUGH THE COURIER AGENT MR. JOHN ANTHONY OF SEA & AIR DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE. However, the diplomat suppose to leave to your city but because of the keys by which you can use to open the boxes on arrival. We said that we will not give him the keys to bring to you because he may open it on the way and took all the money away. So we will need you to send us the sum of $400.00 to mail the keys to you through DHL Courier services. Immediately he recieve this above mentioned fee,he will mail you the keys and the diplomat will leave to your city.The key of the boxes will arrive to your city before the boxes arrive,this implies that you have to open the boxes with the keys on arrival.We shall also send you the shipment airway bill NR of the cargo the same day the diplomat leave. All shipment details will be contained in the airway bill receipt.
IN THIS VEINE, WE CONTACTED THE BANK ATTORNEY FOR ASSITANCE AND HAS THE APPORVAL THIS MONEY THAT THE WHOLE CASH WILL BE PAID TO YOU FOR IMMEDIATE DELIVERY. A FRIEND OF MINE , ALHAJI USMAN ABUBAKAR ( DIPLOMAT) HAS ALSO CONTACT THE COURIER DIPLOMAT WITH HIS IMMUNITY TO ARRRANGE COMING T O YOUR CITY TOMORROW WITH THE TWO BOXES BECAUSE THE FULL PAYMENT IS PACKAGES IN TWO IRON SEALED BOXES TO SEND TO YOU AS DIPLOMATIC FILMS. WE CODED THE BOXES AS FILMS SENDING TO YOU FOR DEVELOP DUE TO THUS:
1. IT IS CODED TO AVOID ANY DISCREPANCY IN THE PROGRESS OF THE TRANSACTION.
2. THE COURIER COMPANY DO NOT CARRY MONEY SO WE CAN NOT DISCLOSE THEM THAT IT IS MONEY.
NAME ATTN:- ONYIBOR MARTINS CHUKWUDI ADDRESS:-COTONOU BENIN REPUBLICTHE MAILING FEE $150.00 STATES THUS:-(A) MAILING FEE $150.00(B) NDELA CLEARANCE FOR THE GOLDEN KEYS $225.00(C) INSURANCE/VAT $100.00TOTAL $400.00 As for Aeoh Edy you better write to him because he still want to contune with you. PLEASE , KINDLY SEND THE MONEY AS URGENCY MAY REQUIRE, YOU CAN CALL ME IF POSSIBLE OR MAIL ME ON RECEIPT OF THIS FOR PROCESSION.BEST REGARDS MY PERSONAL NUMBER+229-934-88-243, Samuel Adimorah

"ALHAJI USMAN ABUBAKAR" -- not a rare name.
Still, it sounds like political satire. "The" Alhaji Usman Abubakar is a candidate for the Nigerian senate from Benue State, who has sued to overturn the election of his rival David Mark.

Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Fine below, Mr Aroh Edy new email address arohedy5@yahoo.com
Regards
Sam.
Eliza Dane
Sam,
Why the fuck did you have to break out in CAP LOCK? You know I hate that!
This is no fucking help! You're planning to send me CASH? The way you're talking about it, it's in US dollars, right? Well, that is just so fucking DUMB! If I get a fucking fortune in US dollars from some twat in West Africa sent to my door, I don't care if the guy is a fucking diplomat, I am going to have the Tax Office and the Federal Police on me so fast you won't see the dust. There are so many ways this can go wrong.
Just post me the fucking cheque in a plain brown envelope, inside a fucking birthday card or something!
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Edy,
Sam Adimorah said to get in touch.
Well, here I am. What's next?
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Sam,
I contacted him, and guess what?
He's too fucking busy or just doesn't want to reply!
Eliza
Sam Adimorah
DEAR ELIZA,
Thank you for your mail,but honesly iam not happy the way you are dealing this because i am a shame of you and my self because it means that you don't aprciate this offer from me. I told you A hat it not possible as you thank if it is possible like that i or my secretary would have done that since. As you can see o everybody are tied of you i mean ewele and aroh edy now you want tobring misunderstnding between me and my good friend aroh edy he had no regard for me again because you have made me to sell all the trust he have for me just because of you. I do not know what it will cost you just to send $400 to get your money. I had told you before that without insure the money it coul not be delievered, now you are tell me all i can't understand. So write to ewele and send the money to him. As for aroh edy i will write to him so that he will reply your mail. Let me open up to you if you can not send the money to get your money i will donp you when i come back then i will make use of it because it is my money. Thanks. Samuel Adimorah
Eliza Dane
Sam,
You are so lucky not to be here, right now, because by Thor and Tyr, I'd give you the bitch slap that was heard around the fucking world! If you'd had even a shred of decency you'd have sent me that cheque and had done with it. Instead you made me jump through hoops to try to satisfy that fuckwit Ewele Sam. Why the fuck did you have to get that little turd involved? And you say that you can't post me the cheque - Freyja's mercy, WHY? How the fuck can it be impossible?
Then there's the Aroh Edy business. You put me on to him. It was your decision! If there's a loss of trust between you two, how the fuck am I to blame? His precious bank fucked up - some jerk tried to rip me off - and somehow it's my fault? Holy Odin, maybe you weren't such good mates as you thought! After all, he implied that you were duping me!
Listen to me, Sam - you took $5000 from me, remember? And now you have the fucking nerve to demand more money from me! I cannot believe that you could have the nerve to put your hand out for more cash. And now you say that you are willing to dump me. I know that feeling well. You made me cry once. I'm not crying now.
Eliza Dane
Sam Adimorah
Dear Thanks for your mail.but i just telling you that the ball is on your cort,if you need it contct mr. ewele if you do not need it leave it for me i will make the use of it when i am back. let me face other things i am doing because i dont have time. God bless. Sam Adimorah
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
Sam Adimorah says I should contact you about my money. And...? Eliza Dane

[I headed the email to Ewele Sam simply, "And?"
Two days later, I receive a piece of stock market spam under the heading "Re: And?" from 'Lucinda Martin'. Hmm... I can use that...]

Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
I didn't ask for fucking stock market tips, and who the fuck is Lucinda Martin to be answering messages to you anyway!?

[Ewele Sam is back, and he ain't best pleased...]

Ewele Sam
Eliza Dane
DEAR ELIZA, i mat y tell you that i am tied of you i do not know the wrong i have done to you that made to wrote my boss and told him all sorce of rubish aganst me do you want to sack me from my job just because i want to help you. infact if you are ready to have your money you should send $400 dollars for the expences i hope my boss have explain everything for you because he told me that he explained very thing to you.once you send the money I will send the key for you. do not let the diplomat to know the content of the box because they does't carry moneyyou can send the by westhern union money transfer with this information blow: ATTN:- ONYIBOR MARTINS CHUKWUDIADDRESS:-COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC text question:colour answer:red do not forget to forward control number for easy collection. awaiting to recieve the payment. Ewele sam
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
I want to know who the fuck Lucinda Martin is!
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
Dear Eliza Dane,
i do not know who is fuck Lucinda Martin the only person i know which i want you to send the money in his name is onyibor Martin chukwudi who is our accoutant that is where you can send the money because he most be away of everything i am doing. thank and bye. Ewele Sam
Eliza Dane

[I'm trying to set up for the Western Union Secure Transfer Option (see DRESSED FOR SUCCESS).]

Ewele Sam,
Listen here wise ass.
When I sent my message to you a few days ago the first reply I got was from someone called Lucinda Martin, not Ewele Sam,
sending me fucking stock market tips!
How is it that she can send stuff from your email address? This probably means she can read our emails.
If I'm going to send you money, it'll have to me by a more secure method than standard WU. I'll get back to you
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Take strong note that I do not use my email ID with anybody called Lucinda and I don't know who that is, if you think that this ID is not safe for our communications, kindly tell me, and I will immediately get a new email ID. I await your urgent response because I do not have time to waste.
RegardsEwele.
Eliza Dane

[I'll be unavailable for the weekend... might as well make it part of the bait.]

Ewele Sam,
You say you don't use your email ID with anyone called Lucinda... well, I'd add, that you know of. Ever heard of hackers?
Get a new email address and get back to me, but don't expect any answers before Sunday; I'm going on a photoshoot in the Blue Mountains.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, I have open a new email ID, here is my new email ID and do not write me on my old email ID again, always reply me on this ID so that our communication will be safe.
e_sam111@yahoo.ca
I await your reply.RegardsEwele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
I guess you win.
I'm sending the money tomorrow.
Details will be sent after I do it.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
How are you today, what is going on? I did not hear from you like you promise, hope all is well.
I await your urgent reponse,
Regards
Mr Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
I had a migraine, OK? Do you get migraines? It's fucking bad, believe me.
I sent the moolah by Moneygram yesterday.
You can pick it up from some place at 106 Reu Dako Donu Gunk in Cotonou (can't remember the exact spelling).
The control number is 38256848 and the question-answer routine is What is my favourite flower? The wild rose.
Eliza Dane

[I hope the Lad got really pissed off at the money not being there...]

Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
My assistant just returned from the money gram, and they complain that the payment information is not currect. Kindly re-send the currect information such as the control number, you can even attachˇ the information as an attachment.
Your urgent response is needed.
Ewele.
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam,
I don't fucking believe this! I am sick to death of your pissweak fucking excuses for not getting things done. Why the fuck didn't you do that yourself? Get down there and pick up the fucking money, and do it now, and no fucking bleats about hardship, DO IT NOW!
Eliza Dane
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
You better mind the way you talk to me, I have went there my self and they said the control number is not currect, cross check the control number and send it again.
The one you send is invalid, so if you want the whole thing to us to conclude the whole thing just go and send the currect information.
Ewele.

[Well, I think this one is done. Time to switch to CAP LOCK and go to full anger mode.]

Eliza Dane
GO BUTTFUCK A GOAT AND LICK OUT ITS ASS AND THEN I MIGHT SEND YOU SOME MONEY BECAUSE YOU'D HAVE PROVED WHAT I NOW KNOW, THAT YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN A FUCKING TWO-DOLLAR WHORE - YOU AND SAM ADIMORAH AND ARYOH EDY. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT MONEY WASN'T IT? I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT FROM THE GIT-GO. THANK THE ALL-FATHER THAT I REALISED THE TRUTH BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE. MAY YOU DIE SCREAMING IN THE BOWELS OF FENRIR.
Ewele Sam
DEAR ELIZA,
Look let me tell you, you are stupid for using that word, am not forcing you to take your bank draft, I will not want you to waste any of my time.
Ewele.
Eliza Dane
WHICH FUCKING WORD WAS THAT? BUTTFUCK? GOAT? WHORE? AM I WASTING MY TIME TELLING YOU WHAT YOU FUCKING WELL ARE? WOULD IT HELP IF I TOLD YOU I NOW KNOW THERE'S NO FUCKING BANK DRAFT AND YOU ARE A CHEAP LITTLE PILLOW-BITER CONMAN WHO SHOULD STICK TO SUCKING COCKS TO MAKE MONEY SINCE HE'S TOO FUCKING STUPID AND TOO FUCKING LAZY TO DO AN HONEST DAY'S WORK? YOU GOT ME NOW, COCK BREATH?

[And if you're not surprised if that ended the game... neither was I.]


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