WILL YOU EVERY FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE BE SERIOUS...?


From the archives of Eliza Dane comes a four-month correspondence, with more recursively fake identities than you can shake an e-mail header at! Eliza has appeared in many adventures, most recently HI HO SILVER, IT'S THE LOAN ARRANGER.


Was he kidding? Real scammers, fake scammers, false fake scammers... the supposed intervention of the Secretary-General of the United Nations... how could I be serious?

The Scammers
Master Michael Johnson, orphan's son on the run.
Andy Coulibally, barrister
Mr Eric Mantu, Andy Coulibally's Western Union identity
Richard Kouame, Lad claiming to be a contact at the "high court authority of cote d'ivoire"
Mrs Helene Diarra (Auditor General), Richard Kouame's Western Union identity
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas, "Director Remitancy" at Coopec Bank of Cote d'Ivoire
Adams Ifeanyi Eddy, or Eddy Ifeanyi Isa, or eddy Adams - the variously-named Western Union identity for the bank
Ban Ki-Moon, Secretary-General of the United Nations (yes, the Lads thought I'd believe that he'd get involved)
Fake Imoh Udoh (see below), created by the Lads to try to regain control
Fake Niaye Christophe (see below), also created by the Lads to try to regain control
Rose Adams, a Ladette at the Bank of Africa, prepared to help transfer millions of dollars - for totally benign motives, of course
Mrs Joy John Obi, Lawyer Ladette, who thanks to Rose Adams was slightly gender-confused
Iwuji Magnus, Mrs Joy John Obi's Western Union identity

The Baiters
Eliza Dane, a petulant and rather foul-mouthed Odin-worshipping photomodel from Sydney with an uncanny resemblance to Sophie Monk
Imoh Udoh, an actual scammer whose name is invoked to annoy other Lads, and used here for just that purpose; his script was supplied by 419Eater contributor Mc (for which, many thanks!)
Niaye Christophe, a scammer seen in NUNU NO-NO, also brought in to mind-fuck the Lads

Western Union appears... inevitably - and so does Money Gram - against the odds!

[Warning: this is an Eliza Dane adventure, and almost by definition contains lots of profanity and all-around abrasiveness. Parents be warned.]


Master Michael Johnson

[And we start with a French letter... no, seriously...]

16 February 2007

Bonjour,
Permettez-moi s'il vous plad'e en relation d'affaire avec vous.j'ai besoin dans ce domaine de vos conseil. Je souhaiterais que vous supervisiez tous les domaines o?part de cet argent pourrait e investie.
je suis un gar de 23 ans. Mon nom est mae Michael Johnson, Je suis le fils de feu Chef Richard Raymond .Mon p it un homme trriche et actif dans la politique alors j'esp que l'on donnera une attention urgente et prompte e courrier.
Pour e sinc, j'ai obtenu votre contact auprd'amis au cours d'un voyage aventureux la saison derni quand notre pays it en paix. S'il vous plaje suis dans un momment difficile. Je voudrais que vous m'aidiez ransfr cet argent dans votre pays.
Ainsi pour davantage de confiance et sincerite, je vous enverrai tous les documents pour mener ien la transaction. Le montant total impliquour le transf (4.500.000.dollars.us)
Cependant, mon p a  tue 19 septembre 2002 par un groupe d'hommes qui n'ont pas  identifi Quant aux crises politiques ici en Afrique,et surtout en C?d'Ivoire, je crois que vous e au faite de l'actualitar CNN, B.B.C.
je dois ajouter que tous les investisseurs angers ont anbandonnles villes, pour cette raison la privation s'est installans le pays. je dois vous avouer que la srites populations n'est plus assur. Les rebelles s'nt empar'une certaine partie du pays depuis quelques mois maintenant. c'est la raison pour laquelle tous les leaders africains et la communautnternationale sont impliqudans la crise de notre pays.
Afin d'aider auvegarder notre dcratie. Donc, le probl ici dans notre pays est le tribalsme. ? Et cela n'a pas  correctement compris par ceux qui prennent des dsions politiques y compris la communautnternationale.
Mon cher, je doit en finir ici mais je m'attends ecevoir des nouvelles de vous quant ette transaction. Votre part sera de 10%Plus 5% pour les frais que vous aurez engagez.
Vous nt reconnaissant d'avance.
sincment votre,
michael Johnson

[As my French is not that good, and for a laugh, I ran it through Babelfish. It seems we have the orphaned son of an African chief (the phrase "fire Chief..." should be "late chief").]

Allow me if it you pla?d'?e in business connection with vous.j' need in this field for your council. I would wish that you supervise all the o?part fields this money could?e invested.
I am a gar? from 23 years. Is my name ma?e Michael Johnson, I am the son of fire Chef Richard Raymond Mon p? ?it a man tr?riche and credit in the policy then I esp? that one will give an urgent and prompt attention?e mail.
For?e sinc?, I obtained your contact aupr?d' friendly during an adventurous voyage the season derni? when our country?it in peace. If it pla?je am to you in momment difficult. I would like that you help me?ransf?r this money in your country.
Thus for more confidence and sincerite, I will send all the documents to you to carry out?ien the transaction. The total amount impliqu?our the transf? (4.500.000.dollars.us)
However, my p? has? tu?e September 19, 2002 by a group of men who do not have? identifi? As for the political crises here in Africa, and especially in C?d' Ivory, I believe that you?e in made actualit?ar CNN, B.B.C.
I must add that all the investors?angers have anbandonn?les cities, for this reason the deprivation is install?ans the country. I must acknowledge you that the s?rit?es populations is not any more assur?. Rebels?nt empar?' a certain part of the country since a few months now.
this is why all the African leaders and the communaut?nternationale are impliqu?dans the crisis of our country. In order to help?auvegarder our d?cratie. Therefore, the probl? here in is our country the tribalsme.? And doesn't that have? correctly included/understood by those which take political d?sions including the communaut?nternationale.
My expensive, I must finish some here but I expect to?ecevoir news of you as?ette transaction. Your share will be of 10%Plus 5% for the expenses which you will have engage. You?nt recognizing in advance.
sinc?ment your,
michael Johnson

[More like this in The French Collection]

Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
I'm sorry but I don't understand French.
Please explain in English if you can.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[This seems to be run through Babelfish too... "investment poppoes"?]

17 February 2007

Good day to you ,
I got your mail and i understand english. This is the content of the mail.
Permettez me please to be in business connection with you i need in this field for your council. I would wish that you supervise all the fields where my share of this money could be invested.
I am 23 year old boy. My name is a Master Michael Johnson, I am the son of Chef Richard Raymond. My father was a very rich man and active in the policy then I hope that one will give an urgent and prompt attention to this mail.
To be sincere, I obtained your contact from friends during an adventurous voyage last season when our country was in peace.
Please I am in momment difficult. I would like that you help me to transfer this money in your country. for more confidence and sincerity, I will send all the documents to you to conclude the transaction. The total amount implied for transfers (4.500.000.dollars.us) Cependant, my father was killed on September 19, 2002 by a group of men who were not identified.
As for the political crises here in Africa, and especially in Coast-in Ivoire, I believe that you with to be made topicality by CNN, B.B.C I must add that all the foreign investors anbandonnthe cities, for this reason the deprivation settled in the country. I must acknowledge you that the safety of the populations is not assured any more.
Rebels being seized a certain part of the country since a few months now. this is why all the African leaders and the international community are implied in the crisis of our country. In order to help to safeguard our democracy. Therefore, the problem here in our country is the tribalsme. ? And that was not correctly included/understood by those which make political decisions including the international community. My expensive, I must finish some here but I expect to receive news of you as for this transaction. Your share will be of 10%Plus 5% for the expenses which you will have engage. Being recognizing to you in advance.
I am waiting for your soonest respond so that i will send the whole ducment and informations to you about who to transfar the money to your contry. for the investment poppoes.
Thanks.
sincerely yours,
Master Michael Johnson .
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
I think I get your drift. You're all alone and you need my help.
I understand, and I'm OK to do that. What happens next?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[Babelfish no more! This sounds like regular Lad bad English.]

20 February 2007

Dear Eliza Dane,
after reading your email am very happy for your kind response,and also giving attantion to my propsal and i believe that you are the right person to assist me in this matter have this my inheritan release from the bank and transfer it to your acount their in your country without any delay,but i whant you to understand that this fund was deposited in the bank here by my later father before he died,and he called me and let me know that i am the next of kin of deposting the fund in the bank for self keeping.
concerning your first mail to me i visited the bank dirctor to let him know about and my reason for contacting you in this issue and he give me go ahead other to tranfer this fund to your account,but before we proceed further i will like to know you very well and your contact information for oral communictaion towards this transction and including your home address for record popose.
In your next email i will like you to have the full contact information of the bank where this fund was deposted for you to be into direct contact with them on my behalf,and all the requirement needed in the bank to tranfer the money will be forwarded to you in details.
Thanks and God bless you as soon as you recieve this mail try your possible best to get back to me for us to proceed and have this fund transfer to you in your account.
Waiting to hear from you
Michael Johnson.
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson, This is all still very hazy. I'm still a bit puzzled about what I'm supposed to do. Eliza Dane

[He knows that Eliza's a Christian? Whoever his contact is must have let him down big-time!
And guess what, a lawyer. Some day a Lad will dispense with a lawyer, and I'll be so grateful...
actually, I have seen scams without lawyers. Scratch that. Never mind. Back to our feature presentation.]

Master Michael Johnson
21 February 2007

Dear Eliza Dane,
Thanks for your mail,i wish to let you know that your response has boosted my confidence to proceed with you in this transaction,i have prayed and fasted concerning this transaction and am conviced that you are the right person that i can trust.as you stated in your last mail,it's not so easy for someone to entrust this amount of money into the hand of a person that he have never seen before,i want to let you know that i took this decision of contacting after much prayers and am of the believe that God is purely on our side.i know that you are a christian actually gave me the confidence to proceed with you hence i know that you will not betray me or take advantage of my situation as an ophan.
After studying your mail once again,i went to the ministry of justice here in coted'ivoire to seek for an attorney who will help us in legalising this transaction accordingly,my reason for inviting him in this transaction is because am a refugee in this country and was told by the director of foreign remmitance of the bank that due to my residential status in this country,the law prevents me from handling any transaction relating finance.He therefore suggested that i should seek for a foreign partner who will provide a foreign account for the fund transfer.Let me tell you that i am genuine and transparent regarding my proposal to you,am imploring you in the name of God to give your attention to my situation if you are capable.
Currently am managing myself at the UNITED NATION REFUGEE CAMP here in abidjan since I arrive in this country,am finacially incapable to meet up with any requirement that may arise in this transaction because of my condition and refugee status.am only a little Boy without any experience of transaction especially concerning a huge amount of money of this magnitude.am counting on your experience,this is why i contacted you.
For us to proceed towards this transaction,i have included below the contacts information of a well know attorney who i have so far told about you and about this transaction,i want you to contact him as soon as you receives this mail and make a formal introduction regarding our relationship in this bussiness,though i have earlier told him much about you and about this transaction.he is a well talented jurist with about 25 years in law proffession.
I want you to contact the lawyer with the below address:
ANDY AND ASSOCIATES CHAMBERS COTED'IVOIRE
ADDRESS:RUE DE VILLE BP4 COCODY EXT.ABIDJAN
EMAIL: andyatlaw2000@yahoo.fr
TEL/FAX:+22508281004
CONTACT PERSON:HON.BARRISTER ANDY COULIBALLY (PRINCIPAL ATTORNEY)
My future lies in your hand and you own my survival and freedom from this country battling with war.Pls in your next mail,pls reconfirm your direct telephone number so that we can talk more about this transaction in details.
Thanks dearly for your kind assurance and for being human in this regards.
May God bless and guide you and your entire family.
waiting to hear from you
Michael Johnson
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
Whoah, slow down, you're moving too fast...
Let's clear a couple of things up here!
First off, you said, "i know that you are a christian" - well, no. I follow Odin, the chief deity of the Aesir, the Gods of the Aryan peoples of Germany and Scandinavia.
Secondly, you said, "am only a little Boy..." Well, earlier you said you were 23, and that makes us the same age, and I'm not a "little Girl" as my boyfriend (and others) can testify!
Thirdly, you said, "am counting on your experience,this is why i contacted you" - I'm a photomodel, not a businesswoman.
Do you want me to contact this Coulabar dude?
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[Short and to the point...]

21 February 2007

Yes,go ahead and contact the lawyer.
Michael
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
So all's well then? Good.
I hope you won't be so curt in the future.
I'll have to raise my spirit to Odin and seek his guidance before I do what you said.
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson
21 February 2007

Dear Eliza,
Ok am waiting to hear from as soon as you contact the lawyer try to keep me posted.
Thanks
Michael
Eliza Dane
Mr Coulibally,
Mr Michael Johnson, currently in Abidjan, told me to contact you. He said that he'd told you a lot about me.
Do you know anything about this?
Regards, Eliza Dane
Andy Coulibally

[No surprises here - even down to the usual passport demand...]

22 February 2007

FROM THE OFFICE OF PRINCIPAL ATTORNEY,ANDY AND ASSOCIATES CHAMBERS
ABIDJAN COTED'IVOIRE.
Attn: Eliza Dane
We confirm herewith the receipt of your detailed mail. The contents therein were well comprehended. Indeed, one Mister Michael Johnson requested for our legal services concerning a fund tranfser,though he has told me much about you as his choosen beneficiary and appointed overseer of the said bank account for partnership and investment purpose in your country. As you know,he is in a refugee status in this country and as the constitution of this country stipulates,he is not obliged to embark into any finacial issue in this country hence he has consulted this chamber for representation and leagl services towards this issue.
As the procedure demands, such services cannot be carried out without an official confirmation from the second party hence we requested for your direct and personal consultation and consent. Having confirmed your consent on the said legal demand, we hereby request for your personal information such as:
(1) Complete name and address
(2) Telephone and fax numbers
(3) Identification page of your international passport / Identity card or Driving Licence.
The above requested information are necessary in order for us to serve you better. As soon as the above mentioned information is received,i shall proceed to the bank where the afore mentioned fund is presently located to seek for further and possible procedures and requirements needed to effect the fund transfer to your poccession without hitch.
I will get back to you to keep me you informed regarding the outcome of my verifications from the bank authority for your immediate and further compliance.
For further details and clarifications of urgent matters,you can reach me through my direct line +22508281004.
Thanks for your understanding
Yours In Service
Barrister Andy Coulibally
(Principal Attorney)

[... This is of course is impossible...]

Eliza Dane
Mr Coulibally,
Thanx for the quick reply.
That law you mentioned seems a bit rough. I'd have thought that the locals wouldn't have stopped someone getting access to cash - they'd stop being refugees, right? I can hazard some guesses, but they ain't purty...
OK, putting that aside, two things.
Firstly, just what's going to happen once you get started? Secondly, there's a problem with the ID - I don't have a driver's licence and there are strict rules about copying passports.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Andy Coulibally

[...Not that he accepts this...]

23 February 2007

Attn:Eliza Dane,
This is in confirmation of your mail to this chamber today dated 23rd february.
Well,i want to let you know that every country in this world has it's own constitution which guides them,in the same vain,banks all over the world has banking regulations.you or anyone cannot change their modes of operations unless if legally addressed at the law court.
Pls i want to tell you that it's very neccesary that you must send your identifications and contacts details as well as your direct telephone number for onward communications,your international passoprt,national ID or driving license is very vital as it will enable me to effect and obatin the neccessary requirements that will be needed by the bank in your favour and for record purpose. I have already met with the bank director of international remmitance department Dr. Thomas Hill as i told you yesterday for him to detail me more regarding requirements needed to effect a succesful transfer of the fund into your poccession. Before then I had a word with Mr Michael Johnson to know more about the reason why his late father left the money in suspence account at the bank,he opened up to me that his father kept the money with the intension of investing it abroad.
I have also gone through the Certificate of Deposit/lodgement receipt which was issued to his late father by the bank and it stated that this money is meant for onward transfer to Overseas for the investment.After my discussion with the Director Dr Thomas Hill, he now gave me the list of the required documents needed by the bank for the transfer of the fund.
Base on the above, I was told that I should secure this remaining document with you information?s. Below are the documents I was required to secure with your information in you favour i.e. 1/ A Certificate from the High Court of Justice here in abidjan (Affidavit of Oath).
2/.A Letter of Authorization which will be obtain in your favour as the nominated Foreign partner of Mr Michael Johnson, This Letter of Authorization will be approve in your name and address from the High Court of Justice here in Abidjan as Mr Michael Johnson will also have to endorse his signature on it.
3/. A change of ownership of the fund/Account which will be issued to your name as the new appointed Foreign beneficiary to Mr Michael Johnson.
As you are reading this mail, I am on my way to the Federal High Court of Justice to find out how those documents can be obtained in your name and what it will require before the approval will be issued in your favour. Base on this, I want you to call me in the next one hour but if not as soon as I am back from the High Court, I will write you in details regarding my findings.
Meanwhile, I want to assure you that I will do everything within my reach to make sure I render the best of my service to you because of the condition of this poor boy suffering at the refugee camp which I must consider his sufferings here without anyone?s support from here. Again, I want you to try and work hand in hand with me by carrying out my orders and directives as I may direct you to make sure we archive our goal in this transaction.
However, I want you to call me on the above telephone number +22508281004 in an hours time, so that I can brief you about my findings from the Federal High Court of Justices regarding the required documents.
I understand Mr Michael's condition that is why he has sought for my representations towards this transactions as he is not authorised by the law to perform this formalities required by the bank. Actually, I have equally advised him to calm down but I would want you to work with me so that if the documents are secured then I will forward you the copies and submit the original copy to the bank so that they can start for the processing of the fund release. I will tell you the cost of the documents as soon as I comes back in few hours from now so that we can proceed without any further delay.
Thanks For Your Maximum Co-Operation.
Yours In Services.
Barrister Andy Coulibally
(Principal Attorney)
Eliza Dane
Mr Coulibally,
I never asked you to change your rules for me or for anybody else. I simply stated a fact; I don't have a driving licence and there are strict rules in place about passport copies. As well, there's no such thing as a national ID card in Australia. All else is moot until we settle this.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
We're gossing, but there's a twistup with ID issues. Back with more as it breaks.
Eliza Dane
Andy Coulibally

[Oh yeah, the money... check... pay via Western Union or Moneygram... check... there really are no original Lads.]

24 February 2007

Attn: Eliza Dane,
This is to inform you about my findings from the High Court of Justice as I informed you earlier today. Actually, I had an appointment with them to come back and pick up the documents today, I am just coming into my office and decided to give you brief information regarding this transaction without wasting more time.Well as for the ID issue,since you are unable to get the international passport or driving licence,it's very neccessary that you have to send to us your contacts details which include your house or office address,your telephone and fax number is also required for to the propagation of this transaction.However, I went to the Federal High Court of Justice of Cote D?Ivoire that are in charge of those documents need by the bank to help you in receiving the funds of Late Mr Richard Raymond Johnson.The High Court Registry made me to understand that the processing of those three documents in your favour will cost the sum of $2,875.00 for the Change of Ownership, Affidavit of Oath and the Authorization letter.
The break down is as follows;
Change of Ownership;- $950.00.
Affidavit of Oath;- $1,025.00.
Letter of Authorization; $900.00.
Total. $2,875.00.
Meanwhile, I was told that before they can approved and start for the processing of the documents that we are to pay part of the fees and I have to go back home and take my family feed money to make sure they start the processing of the documents and I have to pay the sum of $575.00 and after our meeting with the High Court Registry in his office, he said by promising me personally that those documents will be release as soon as the balance of the payment is been made.
I am now replying you now to give you the feed back regarding the out come of my findings today as i told you in my previous mail today. So what you have to do now is to send to me the sum of $2,300.00 so that I can go and pay for the balance for the release of the documents, I will want you to send to me this amount as I have stated above in other for me to go and pay for the balance payment for the release of the necessary documents. Like I told you I cannot request this money from Mr Michael Johnson hence I knows that he don?t have anything due to his situation and condition of living in this country.
Below is the information of my personal Secretary which you will use to send me the money through Western Union Money Transfer or money gram service for quick and easy receive of the money, so that I can go and submit the fee for immediate processing of the documents with your information?s in your favour.
NAME. Mr Eric Mantu.
ADDRESS. 32 Ave. Du Gaullie
11 Plateaux Abidjan
Ivory Coast West-Africa
As soon as you send this money, send me the control/Pin number of the transfer via email to enable me go and pick up the money immediately and proceed to the High Court for onward payment of the necessary documents. Again, I want you to try and send this money tommorow so that I can go to the High Court to obtain and endorse my michael's signature because he will be needed to endorse his signature on some of the documents.
And after that I will forward to you copies of the document by email attachment for record purposes while I will submit the original hard copies to the bank for them to carry out their own operation without any more delay.Call me as soon as you send the money for update and quick conclusion of this transcation.
I will be waiting for your urgent responses as soon as you send the money tommorow.
Thanks for Your Maximum Co-Operation.
Yours in Service.
Barrister Andy Coulibally
(Principal Attorney).
Eliza Dane
Mr Coulibally,
It's not that I am unable to get a driver's licence; I choose not to have one. It's not that I can't get a passport; I can't give you a copy. Simple as that. I'm surprised that you could get something wrong that was so simple.
My address is 35 Westmoreland Grove, Glebe, Sydney, Australia. I don't have a fax.
Also, I don't have a functioning phone at the moment, thanx to a cockup changing phone providers so as to get broadband. My old number is (03) 93478666, but that's probably been reassigned, and I'm still waiting for a new number.
OK, the documents - and I have to ask - are you serious about the charge?
Eliza Dane
Andy Coulibally

[Well, of course he's serious about the money...]

24 February 2007

Attn:Eliza Dane,
Am in receipt of your mail,I have taken notes of your informations which i have forwarded to the high court bureau for the obtainment of the required documents as i stipulated in my previous mail to you.The fee as mentioned in my last mail to you is required urgent so that we can proceed further to swore the oath of authoriasation and then get the fund account changed to your name as the new beneficiary of the bank account.
As you did ask,yes the charge is required urgent and seriously because without the money paid,the high court and the ministry of justice here will not legalise this transaction.I urge you therefore to send the money once you receives this mail so that we can proceed to get the afore mentioned documents without delay.
Send the money with the informations as i stated below once again:
NAME. Mr Eric Mantu.(Secretary)
ADDRESS. 32 Ave. Du Gaullie
11 Plateaux Abidjan
Ivory Coast West-Africa
We wait for your urgent compliance to proceed further.
Yours in service.
Barrister Andy Coulibally.
Eliza Dane

[A quick check on Wikipedia later...]

Mr Coulibally,
Are you seriously telling me that the cost of securing documents in Abidjan is equal to nearly twice the average annual income?
To put it bluntly, I don't believe you. Stop padding the bills because you think I'm some rich foreigner and give me the real figure!
Eliza Dane
Andy Coulibally

[I don't think this will pacify Eliza...]

25 February 2007

Attn:Eliza Dane,
The stipulated price is not given by me but from the high court of justice here in abidjan,am only acting in accordance with what they told me.
I was meant to understand that the fee will cover the both the acess and processing fee to legalise the documents at the ministry of justice before it will be sent to the bank to proceed with the transfer.
If you wish to seek for redress or adjustment of the fee then i will let you have the high court official address so that you could reach them to lay your complaint.
But if you don't mind,as the appointed beneficiary of the fund as submitted by Mr Michael Johnson whom i represent,you can call for the redress of the fee by indicating categorically how much you will be able to afford,then i will submit your request to the high court and then wait for possible response. So my dear Eliza,if you find the price as inflating,then i urge you to tell me exactly what is your intents and how much you are determined to pay so that i can forward your request to the appropriate authority and apply for redress in your favour. Feel free to say your mind.
Best Regards,
Barrister Andy Coulibally.

[Scam-o-note: Lads often work in ad hoc teams. Here we have a small boy (aka 'Michael Johnson') who sends out scam mails in bulk. Potential prospects are forwarded to a 'barrister' (in this case going by 'Andy Coulibally'). If the victim sends a money order, someone else may pick it up. If the victim is stubborn - and Eliza is nothing if not stubborn! - a 'banker' or 'court authority' or other figure may be brought in to try to close the deal. If the victim insists on coming for the money in person, fake offices can be staged, sometimes in real Nigerian government offices. The scammers may never meet. They divvy up the takings per a 'sharing percentage'.]

Eliza Dane

[A little snootiness won't hurt...]

Mr Coulibally,
If the High Court sets its prices and fees that high, then the average Cote d'Ivoirean won't ever be able to afford it.
That's why I suspect that the fee was set because I'm a foreigner and, therefore, seen as rich.
That's the only logical reason for a fee of a thousands bucks per document.
It's not that I can't afford it. I just don't like being taken for a ride. By all means send me the details of the court official.
By the way, don't call me Eliza. It's Ms Dane. Eliza Dane
Andy Coulibally

[I don't think this will pacify Eliza...]

26 February 2007

Attn:Ms Dane,
Am in receipt of your mail.Kindly find below the contacts details of the high court authority of cote d'ivoire.
Address:Rue 123 Bp11 Treichville (Law House) cedex lot abidjan cotedivoire.
Contact Person:Mssr Richard Kouame Email:highcourtofjustice@consultant.com
Tel/Fax:+22501848452.
You can contact them immediately you receive this mail,keep me informed regarding the outcome of your correspondent with the high court today.
Yours in service.
Barrister Andy Coulibally
(Principal Attorney).
Eliza Dane

[OK, new target - might as well be direct...]

Mssr Kouame,
I was directed to contact you by Barrister Andy Coulibally. He had quoted fees that were to be charged for supplying documents, as below:
Change of Ownership;- $950.00.
Affidavit of Oath;- $1,025.00.
Letter of Authorization; $900.00.
Total. $2,875.00.
IMO these fees are outrageous.
I would like you to explain why they are so high.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Richard Kouame

[I hate CAP LOCK!]

27 February 2007

ATTENTION ELIZA DANE,
THIS IS PRIOR TO YOUR MAIL TO THIS COURT REGARDING THE FEE TO OBTAIN SOME LEGAL DOCUMENTS AS REQUESTED BY BARRISTER ANDY COULIBALLY,I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT THE FEE AS WAS ISSUED THE BARRISTER IS FOR BOTH PROCESSING LEGALISATION AT THE JUSTICE MINISTRY HERE. BUT IF YOU WANT THE PROCESSING AND LEGALISATION FEE TO BE DEDUCTED FROM THE FEE THEN THE TOTAL FEE TO GET THE MENTIONED DOCUMENTS IS $1,950 ONLY,THE PROCESSING AND LEGALISATION FEE IS $925.
YOU ARE ADVICE THEREFORE TO LIASE WITH YOUR LOCAL REPRESENTATIVE HERE BARRISTER ANDY COULIBALLY AND REMMIT THE FEE TO HIM TO ENABLE HIM COME AND PAY THE FEE FOR COLLECTION OF THE 3 DOCUMENTS RESPECTIVELY. BUT IF YOU WISH,YOU CAN ALSO PAY IN THE MONEY HERE DIRECTLY THROUGH THE INFORMATIONS AS WAS GIVEN TO YOU BY THE BARRISTER.
THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.
MESSR RICHARD KOUAME
Eliza Dane

[One long answer deserves a short answer back.]

Mr Kouame,
Please answer the question.
Eliza Dane
Richard Kouame
27 February 2007

Ms Dane,
What answer do you require again?.
I have told you in my last mail that the cost as was highlighted to you by Barrister Andy Coulibally is for both the processing and legalisation of the documents at the ministry of justice.
The normal cost to get the three documents is $1,950 while $925 is for processing and legalisation at the jusice ministry.
The above price cost is the normal governmental price to purchase such documents and oaths in this country. We have no room for any curiousity solution here,For more details you can liase with your representative to get more facts.
Messr Richard Kouame
Eliza Dane
Mr Kouame,
To put it bluntly, I don't believe you.
I did a bit of research and found that what you're charging is equal to something like two years' income for the average citizen of Cote d'Ivoire.
How you can write "The normal cost to get the three documents is $1,950 while $925 is for processing and legalisation at the jusice ministry... [this] cost is the normal governmental price to purchase such documents and oaths in this country" and keep a straight face is a mystery.
I want the real price, not the one you quote when you try to gouge foreigners.
Eliza Dane
Richard Kouame
28 February 2007

Ms Dane,
We have no time for all this cross questioning,you have been told that this fee as highlighted is the minimum fee imposed by the government to get such ducuments in this country.If you need redress of this fee then it's you who will state how much you will be able to pay.
If your bargain is acceptebale by the judicial commitee,then we will proceed but if it's not accepted,that means quit.
Indicate what you will be able to pay and stop embibing curiuosity.
Messr Richard Kouame

["[E]mbibing curiuosity"?]

Eliza Dane
Mr Kouame,
Fine - if you insist on charging this much, send me an invoice for the fee.
Do it now. Eliza Dane
Richard Kouame

[As predictable as Western Union is the confusion of receipt with invoice.]

28 February 2007

Attn:Ms Dane,
You are adviced to send the stipulated fee to our audit department through the informations below: Mrs Helene Diarra (Auditor General)Address:Rue 150 bp4 plateux abidjan coted'ivoire. Do not hesitate to send us the payments informations via email such as the pin numbers and other informations issued to you where you effect the remmitance.
For quick and fast receipt of the money,You are adviced to send the money through western union money transfer or money gram services. The invoice of the fee will be sent to you upon the receipt of the money
Best Regards,

Messr Richard Kouame
Eliza Dane
Mr Kouame,
It doesn't work like that.
You've confused INVOICES with RECEIPTS.
INVOICES are given before payment, RECEIPTS are given after payment.
Eliza Dane
Richard Kouame

[He thinks it's an invoice...]

01 March 2007

Attn:Ms Dane,
You will find below the invoice/receipt for the three documents. Once the money is received here,we shall give you the paid receipt as confirmation. You are hereby aviced to send the money through the informations as was given to you in my last mail.
Best Regrads,
Messr Richard Kouame

Eliza Dane
Mr Kouame,
No no no no no - that will not do.
I want an official invoice, not some overstamped receipt. What sort of circus act do you work at over there?
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson
02 March 2007

Dear Eliza Dane,
How are you today,hope all is well with you.why i have not hear from you again what is the latest correspondent between you and the lawyer,please let me know so that this fund will be transfer to you in your account.Try to be keeping me update concerning this transaction.
Thanks and God blees you
Waiting to hear from you
Michael Johnson
Richard Kouame

[Our Lad gets snooty as well...]

02 March 2007

Ms Dane,
Now listen very carefully,we are not here for any sort of play or caricature.This honourable court has given you the legal services as you required.The invoice as was issued to you has been the court's invoice since this court started existence in the year 1949 and so i believe by then you were not born,So you cannot change it over night.
If you are playing or unserious then stop mailing this court as i may not grant you any ordiance should you fail to comply to our directives. You are warned.
The only obligation that this court owes you is to enhance the obtainement of the stipulated documents as requested by honourable Barrister Andy Coulibally who is also a member of this country's judicial committee.
Ragards,
Messr Richard Kouame
Eliza Dane

[Eliza gets downright dirty!]

Mr Kouame,
If you're going to sit back in your high chair and work out ways to rip off foreigners, then you can go fuck yourself.
I don't need your hoity-toity big-headed fucking bullshit, you smug little toad. Just because you're some big wheel in some stinking little third-world backwater, you think the rest of the world owes you a fucking living.
Well, wake up and smell the shit you speak.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane

[She spreads the love around!]

Mr Coulibally,
I just told that Richard Kouame to get fucked.
You can get fucked too.
You're both thieves and liars.
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
Fire your lawyer.
He's a fucking creep.
Eliza Dane
Andy Coulibally

[As threats go, this doesn't quite cut it!]

03 March 2007

Ms Dane,
May God forgive you for insulting an elder,but i know that he that does not respect the elders will die untimely.
Be careful so that untimely death will not visit you.
I know you are only a little girl,don't mail me anymore lest i will curse you.
Andy
Eliza Dane
Ooh, is that a THREAT?
Hey, scumbag, do your worst!
Master Michael Johnson

[And I didn't even have to ask!]

08 March 2007

Dear Eliza
i have good news for you and us, this money has being transferred back to a local bank here in cote d' ivoire, and i gotten another attonny who will assist us in this transaction, this bank will make it more easy for us, and this money will be transferred to you as soon as you contact the bank, so i am waiting to hear from you as soon as you reply this email i will give you the direct contact of the bank where this money is now, so that you will send an email to them and they will transfer this money to you, the new Attonny has gotten every documents needed ready in your name so as soon as you send an email to the new bank they will transfer this money to you without any delay, i will send the contact address of the new bank to you as soon as you reply this email,
i am waiting for your reply
MICHEAL
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
Wow, 10 out of 10 for good thinking! Not everyone takes advice. Glad you did!
Let's do it.
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[This Lad had worked himself into a frenzy at about this point - the same message hit my inbox no fewer than five times!]

09 March 2007

Dear Eliza
i have to send you the contact address of the bank where this money is so that you will send an email to them ok, you will have to send an email to the bank where this money is, informing them to transfer this money to you as i instructed, tell them to confirm from me if any debt, this is the contact of the bank, so you have to send an email to them now
COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE
ADDRESS======= 111 Plateau BP 91 Abidjan 2,Cote D'Ivoire-West Africa.
SWIFT CODE=======CBCIC25T
NAME OF WHOM TO CONTACT============ Prof.Emmanuel Wayas (Director Remitancy)
EMAIL ADDRESS==================== infor_coopecbank@yahoo.fr
TELEPHONE================ +225 06159354
so you have to send an email to him now tell him that i instructed you to contact him for him to transfer my money in there bank to you, ok,as soon as they transfer this money to you i will be come to your country so that we will start the investment , you have to be keeping me informed as how far you go with the bank when they will transfe this money,
MICHEAL
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
That's FIVE TIMES you've sent the same message! For fuck's sake, calm down! Take a chill pill, get a blow job, whatever, but CALM DOWN!
OK - I sent the message - I got word back from Professor Wayas' PA that they'd process the claim ASAP, so I sent them my details.
Mr Udoh told me there'd be a fee of $450 - AND he sent me an invoice straight off the bat! I've arranged to transfer the fee, so we should have it all done and dusted in just a few days. So it's all good!
Eliza Dane
PS It's not just 'Dear', it's 'Dear Eliza'. Are you OK?

[You don't know who "Mr Udoh" is? Well, neither do the Lads. This should cause some confusion and anxiety. The actual message that I sent to Wayas has been lost.]

Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
There's something funny about that bank - they've asked for the same fee three times in a row! Are you totally sure you trust them?
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[Michael Johnson seems to have missed the name, but he's just so determined that Eliza should pay up...]

22 March 2007

DEAR
YES I DO TRUST THEM, I KNOW THE BANK TOO WELL AND THE ARE ALL RESPECTFULL PEOPLE , THEY ARE ALL LEGAL AND EVERY TRANSACTIONS THEY PERFORM ARE ALL LEGAL, YES I TRUST THEM, THEY WILL TRANSFAR THIS MONEY AS THEY HAVE PROMISED, SO GO ON AND SEND AN EMAIL TO THEM OK,
MAKE SURE YOU SEND AN EMAIL TO THEM TODAY OK,
MR MICHAEL JOHNSON
Eliza Dane

[If he didn't notice, I guess he has to be prompted again.]

Mr Johnson,
Fuck the emails!
Do I send Imoh Udoh the money or not?
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[What does it take to get this guy to notice our interloper? Note the name for sending the money too.]

23 March 2007

DEAR
THIS IS THE INFORMATIONS YOU WILL SEND THIS FEES WITH,
YOU HAVE TO SEND THIS FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFAR OR MONEY GRAMM,
RECEIVERS NAME: ADAMS IFEANYI EDDY
RECEIVERS ADDRESS: COTE D' IVOIRE
RECEIVERS STATE: ABIDJAN
RECEIVERS COUNTRY: COTE D' IVOIRE
TEXT QUASTION: GOD HAS
ANSWER: BLESS ME
MTCN NUMBERS????
YOU HAVE TO SEND BACK THE INFORMATIONS YOU USE IN SENDING THIS FEE, TO ME OK,
MR MICHAEL JOHNSON
Eliza Dane

[Let's drop another name in and see if he notices!]

Mr Johnson,
Who the Hel is this Eddy guy? His name's not on the invoice.
Mr Christophe told me that Imoh Udoh was handling this phase - but I'm fucked if I'm going to keep sending the same money over and over again!
Please just make up your mind.
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[Maybe he hasn't noticed yet, but he's confusing me now. And yep - he's changed the name of his WU persona.]

24 March 2007

DEAR
I HAVE TOLD YOU THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTION TO AVOID MISTAKE, FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTION, USE THIS PAYMENT INFOMATION THAT I GAVE YOU TO SEND THE FEE, SEND THE FEE WITH TO THIS EDDY IFEANYI ISA, AND AS SOON AS YOU SEND IT YOU SEND BACK THE PAYMENY AND THE MTCN NUMBERS BACK TO ME, SO THAT I WILL SEND IT TO HIM BY MY SELF,
YOU REALY HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY, EDDY IFEANYI ISA, GO ON AND SEND IT TO EDDY IFEANYI ISA, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SEND THIS MONEY TWO TIMES,
MICHAEL
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
I haven't a fucking clue what this is supposed to achieve.
If I send the money to this Eddy Isa guy, how can you then send it to him? And if the bank says send it to one guy, and sends me the invoice for him, why do I then send it to someone else not recognised by the bank?
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[Has he forgotten my name already? He's got his WU persona's name back to what it was!]

24 March 2007

DEAR
THIS IS THE INFORMATIONS YOU WILL SEND THIS FEES WITH,
YOU HAVE TO SEND THIS FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFAR OR MONEY GRAMM,
RECEIVERS NAME: ADAMS IFEANYI EDDY
RECEIVERS ADDRESS: COTE D' IVOIRE
RECEIVERS STATE: ABIDJAN
RECEIVERS COUNTRY: COTE D' IVOIRE
TEXT QUASTION: GOD HAS
ANSWER: BLESS ME
MTCN NUMBERS????
YOU HAVE TO SEND BACK THE INFORMATIONS YOU USE IN SENDING THIS FEE, TO ME OK,
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
I have a name! I am not just "Dear"!
Listen up; the bank is not telling me to send money to this Adams Eddy (or Eddy Isa - make up your fucking mind)! With respect, I will do what they say, not what you say!
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[Ah, here's the banker Lad. He's got a third version of the WU guy's name.]

24 March 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE
Coopec Bank CI
111 Plateau
2 BP 91 Abidjan 2
Cote D'Ivoire-West Africa.
Our swift code:CBCIC25T
ATTN:ELIZA DANE
WE ARE STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SO THAT WE WILL PROCED WITH THIS TRANSACTION,
WE WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE SENT THE MONEY TO MR EDDY IFEANYI ADAMS, AS SOON AS YOU SEND IT TO HIM YOU HAVE TO LET US KNOW SO THAT WE WILL PROCED,
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane
Mr Wayas,
No, I have not sent the money to this Eddy Adams. His name isn't on the invoice. Why the change? I'm waiting for Mr Udoh to send me the receipt.
Eliza Dane
Ban Ki-Moon

[And now, the Lads lose it totally. They've noticed... so they take steps, apparently in the belief that I'll believe that the head of the UN has too much spare time on his hands...]

24 March 2007

ATTN ELIZA
DUE TO THE INVENTION OF WAR AND POLITICAL CRISIS IN COTE D' IVOIRE, WE TOOK A DECISION TO GO INTO THE COUNTRY BANKING INDUSTRY ,WE WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT ALL THE MONEY THEY HAVE TO TRANSFER INTERNATIONAL, HAS BEEN TRANSFERRED TO THERE OWNERS,
WE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE ALEGAL TRANSACTION WITH MR MICHEAL JOHNSON, WE WILL PROTECT YOUR INTREST IN THIS TRANSACTION AND WE WILL MAKE SURE THAT AS SOON AS YOU PAY THIS FEE TO MR EDDY IFEANYI ISA THAT THEY WILL TRANSFAR THIS MONEY TO YOU WITHOUT ANY DELAY, DO NOT , DO NOT SEND THIS FEE TO IMOH UDOH, YOU ONLY HAVE TO SEND IT TO MR EDDY IFEANYI ISA, AND AS SOON AS YOU SEND THIS FEE TO HIM YOU HAVE TO SEND BACK THE INFORMATION YOU USED IN SENDING THIS FEE BACK TO US AND TO MR MICHEAL JOHNSON, -SECRETARY-GENERAL BAN KI-MOON
Eliza Dane
Mr Moon,
I really, really respect the United Nations, but fuck me - haven't you got an actual JOB to do?
Like, say, Darfur?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[The Prof gets downright frantic!]

25 March 2007

ATTN:ELIZA DANE
IF YOU DO SEND THIS MONEY TO Mr Udoh, THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO SEND THIS MONEY AGAIN, THIS RECPT IS WITH MR EDDY, WE HAVE TO INFORM YOU THAT Mr Udoh IS NO LOGER WORKING, HE HAS ASKED OUT OF OFFICE FOR FRUAD, SO STOP EVERY THING YOU ARE DOING WITH HIM, DO NOT SEND AN EMAIL TO HIM ANY MORE AND IF HE SEND AN EMAIL TO YOU DO NOT REPLY, HE IS A FRUAD STAR,
BE WARNED!!!!
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane
Mt Wayans,
What the fuck is going on?
Mr Udoh got in touch from the git-go, gave me invoices, and now you're telling me that you found he was ripping me off and you just fired him?
For fuck's sake, if he's a thief, I want him arrested!
I'm not sending anything without some fresh invoices and confirmation that you've had that fucker locked up!
Eliza Dane
Fake Niaye Christophe

[This I did not expect! Mind you, at least they seem to have settled on the WU guy's name...]

25 March 2007

Eliza Dane
There is a problem in the office, right now Mr Imoh Udoh has being ask out of office, so you have to send the money to MR EDDY IFEANYI ISA, he is with your recipt, so send the money to him so that he will send your recipt to you, this is my privat email address i do not want the any body in this office to know that i told you this ok, do not maind an email i sent to you through the other of my email address, this is my privat address, just send the money to mr eddy, throught the coopec bank of cote d' ivoire, infor_coopecbank@yahoo.fr, proced with them,
Christophe
Eliza Dane
Mr Christophe,
Have you got MPD, or have you been drinking? Three invoices and a dozen emails down the track and you send me this shit!
If Mr Udoh was ripping me off, I don't want him fired, I want him arrested! I told that Wayans cocksucker to get things done right and now you've gone limp-dick for no good reason.
s Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson
25 March 2007

Dear Eliza Dane
I truly hope that you understand, Mr EDDY IFEANYI ISA is the man who has your recipt and every thing is with him, just go on and send this money to mr eddy, so tell me when are you sending this money to him and how much are you sending to him?, this is my best advice to you, take it,
Johnson
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
I am not sending anyone anything until I have an idea of who the fuck should be getting what!
Eliza Dane
Fake Niaye Christophe
25 March 2007

Eliza Dane
have you sent the money to mr eddy ifeanyi isa, no body will arrest mr udoh, THE PROBLEM HE HAVE WITH OUR BANK IS PERSONAL, it has nothing to do with you, and your transaction, so forget about him, so make sure that you send this money to mr eddy
s Christophe
Eliza Dane
Mr Christophe,
With respect, bullcrap! If Imoh Udoh hasn't handed on the money that I sent him, then that makes him a fucking THIEF, and that makes him a criminal! I won't just forget about him! That is about the most lame-brained thing I've ever heard. You should be fired.
Eliza Dane
Fake Imoh Udoh

[After the fake Christophe, this should have come as no surprise.]

25 March 2007

ELIZA
I HOPE YOU RECEIVED WHAT I SENT TO YOU, MY DIRECTOR HAS INSTRUCTED THAT YOU SHOULD SEND THE MONEY TO MR EDDY IFEANYI ISA, SO GO ON AND SEND THE MONEY TO MR EDDY IFEANYI ISA, RIGHT NOW I AM HAVING LITTLE PROBLEMS, , SO SEND THE MONEY TO MR EDDY IFEANYI ISA UDOH IMOH
Eliza Dane
WHO ARE YOU REALLY?
It was "Ms Dane" before, not Eliza, and Imoh Udob would write his own name properly.
Who the fuck are you and why are you pretending to be someone else?
Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson

[For once the Lad was on the money... ]

25 March 2007

I HAVE COME TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE A JOKER, WILL YOU EVERY FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE BE SERIOUS, JUST FOR ONCE
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
This is no joke, I am being serious, but the bank seems to have been taken over by boneheads! Just now I got a mail from someone pretending to be that thief Imoh Udoh - why the fuck?
Someone claiming to be the Secretary General of the United Nations tries to tell me to do what the bank is telling me - if you're telling me that there's a bigger joke than that, I'll deep-throat everyone in that fucking bank. I have no idea who's who any more. I am going to get an early night. This whole thing is just too fucked right now.
Eliza Dane
Imoh Udoh

[Mc from 419 Eater joins the game with a taunt from Imoh Udoh ‘himself'.]

DEAR WAYAS AND MICHEAL JOHNSON OR WHATEVER YOU CALL YURSELFS...
OK SO YOU THOUGHT THIS IS A GAME THAT YOU COULD PLAY WITH ME BUT NO YOU SEE HOW FOOLISH YOU ARE OK. YOU LOSE MUTHERFUCKERS. DONT TRY TO COME AGAINST A MAN OF MY INTELLIGENCE.
ELIZA TALKS IN CURSES AND SWEARS THAT TELLS ME HOW MUCH SHE WANT ME TO PLEASURE HER. ELIZA WHEN YOU TALK DIRTY YOU MAKE ME WANT YOU SO MUCH I GET A BIG ERECTION FOR YOU BABY.
FOOLS LIKE YOU WAYAS AND JOHNSON DONT UNDERSTAND BCOS YOU ARE SMALL BOYS WHO DO NOT GROW BALLS YET YOU SIT IN YUR INTERNET CAFE AND PULL ON YUR LITTLE DICKS BUT THEY NEVER GET HARD BCOS YOU HAVE NO BALLS. BIG MAN LIKE ME HAS ALL THE MONEY ALL THE WOMEN AND IT IS BCOS I HAVE THE BIGGEST BALLS. I MAKE MORE MONEY IN A DAY THEN YOU DO IN YOUR WHOLE WORTHLESS LIFE OK. YOU WOULD CRY IF YOU SAW MY CAR THAT YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WASH FOR ME.
LATE AT NIGHT IN MY EXPENSIVE HOUSE AFTER I FINISH PLEASURING CHIGOZIE AND MY OTHER BEUTIFUL BITCHES I WILL THINK ABOUT YOU AND I AM HAPPY BCOS I AM SO FAR ABOVE YOU. THEN I WONDER WHY GOD WILL MAKE WORTHLESS COWARDS LIKE YOU AND THEN I KNOW HE HAS MADE YOU FOR ME TO TAKE FROM YOUR SWEAT.
FACE REALITY. GOD MAKES SHIT HEAD MUGUN LIKE YOU FOR BETTER MEN LIKE ME TO PLAY WITH. NOW EVEN FOOLS LIKE YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT IS THE WAY GOD MAKE THINGS. MAYBE I SHOULD PITY YOU OK. YOU SEE WHEN YOU ARE BORN THE DOCTOR TELL YUR MOTHER THAT YOU IS NOT EVEN HUMAN. THAT YOU IS SOME KIND OF MUTATED GOAT OK, BCOS A DISGUSTING STUPID THING LIKE THAT CANNOT BE HUMAN. THE DOCTOR SAY HE MUST BE THE BASTARD OFFSPRING OF A HEGOAT THAT YUR WHORE MOTHER FUCK. THE DOCTOR SAY TO THROW YOU IN THE RIVER EVEN THOUGH THAT WOULD MAKE THE RIVER FILTHY. BUT YOUR WHORE MOTHER IS TOO DRUNK AND STUPID TO LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR SO SHE RAISE YOU WITH THE OTHER WHORES IN THE NEW BENDEL HOTEL OK AND THERE SHE RENT YOU OUT TO PERVERSE MEN WHO COMMIT ACTS OF SODOMY ON YOU FROM MONDAY TO SUNDAY.
GOD WILL SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH AND CALL YOU BASTARD WHILE HE BLESSES ME WITH THE SWEAT FROM YOUR LABOUR.
IMOH
Eliza Dane

[Can't let that go unanswered...]

Listen Imon Udoh you maggot, the only pleasure I want from you is to pour petrol over you and your bum-buddy Christophe and set you both on fire, you thieving little shit.
That's right, 'little' - you take me for $900 and you act like you're some fucking King Pin. Car, house, bitches - sure, you little pillowbiter, but pictures on the wall don't count, wanker!
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[A few days later...]

02 April 2007

this is the emails i received after wanning you to stop every transaction you have with that fruad star umoh
Eliza Dane
So NOW you admit he's a con-man!
I want him arrested! Nail that fucker to the wall!
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
03 April 2007

this is the emails i received after wanning you to stop every transaction you have with that fruad star umoh, just read this and get back to me now, you have just being defrauded by him
Eliza Dane
So what are you going to do about it?
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[I preferred it when he was being brief and to the point...]

05 April 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE

ATTN:
I WARNED YOU TO STOP EVERY THING THAT YOU WHERE DOING WITH HIM BUT YOU SAID NO, YOU HAVE TO PAY THE THE FEE TO MR EDDY ADAMS IFEANYI , RIGHT NOW I HAVE TO GO TO THE POLICE OFFICE AND REPORT HIM NOW, I WILL MAKE SURE THAT THE POLICE ARREST HIM, AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT HE GO TO JAIL,
SO WENT ARE YOU SENDING THE MONEY TO EDDY ADAMS SO THAT WE COULD BE ABLE TO MOVE ON,
BEST REGARDS
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane
Professor Wayans,
I am sending NOTHING until I am absolutely certain that that cocksucker Imoh Udoh is safely locked up...
And I want formal ID from this Eddy Adams or Eddy Adams Ifeanyi or whoever, along with a proper invoice. Eliza Dane
Master Michael Johnson
08 April 2007

ELIZA
I DID WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS FRAUD STAR, THE BANK TOLD ME THAT THE WANT HIM ARRIESTED, AND THE POLICE IS LOOKING FOR HIM,
HAVE YOU PAID THE FEE TO MR EDDY ADAMS?,
TRY AND SEND THE FEE TO HIM OK, MICHAEL
Eliza Dane
Mr Johnson,
I'm waiting for the bank to confirm that that asshole Imoh Udoh is under lock and key and they've taken some precautions.
Then I send the money - not before!
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[I preferred it when he was being brief and to the point...]

09 April 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE

ATTN:
THE PROBLEM YOU HAVE IS JUST THAT YOU DO NOT FOLLOW MY INSTRCUTION, I AM HERE TO PROTECT YOUR INTREST AND TO MAKE SURE THAT WE SERVE YOU BETTER, NO BODY WILL EVER SEND HIS ID TO YOU ON NO RESON, I HAVE PROMISED YOU THAT I WILL MAKE SURE THAT MR IMOH MUST I REPET MUST BE JAILED,
so just go on and send the fee to EDDY, i personaly will send this recipt to you ok, we will not send any recipt to you accpt you paid this fee, it is never done in any where, this is the banking procedure, just follow this banking procedure, and we will serve you better, if Mr Eddy do any thing funny, you have to sue him to the united nation and he will refund your money to you and i personaly will get him pay back your money, we have a swift code,swift code:CBCIC25T so if any thing goes bad you have to sue us to the world bank, so follow my instruction,
BEST REGARDS
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane

[Time for a little carefull-phrased laying down of the law...]

Professor Wayans,
Listen very carefully.
I have lost just under a thousand dollars thanx to someone at your bank pretending to be your personal assistant. I believe that I have the right to safeguard my interests. That is why I am demanding that you provide a formal invoice - NOT a receipt, an INVOICE - and the ID of the person to whom I'd be sending the money.
"i personaly will send this recipt to you ok, we will not send any recipt to you accpt you paid this fee, it is never done in any where, this is the banking procedure" - with respect - bullcrap. I want an INVOICE, not a RECEIPT, the two are very different, and you should know this! If you don't, then I have to ask how the Hel you got your current job!
"NO BODY WILL EVER SEND HIS ID TO YOU ON NO RESON" - I have given you a reason. What reason do you have for not complying?
"if Mr Eddy do any thing funny, you have to sue him to the united nation" - you have got to be fucking kidding me! At least I now know who forged that stupid letter supposed to be from the head of the UN. What a fucking joke! Now do what I say.
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[That was wasted, of course.]

10 April 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE
Coopec Bank CI
111 Plateau
2 BP 91 Abidjan 2v Cote D'Ivoire-West Africa.
Our swift code:CBCIC25T
ATTN:
THIS IS THE INFORMATIONS YOU WILL SEND THIS FEES WITH, YOU HAVE TO SEND THIS FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFAR OR MONEY GRAMM,
RECEIVERS NAME: RECEIVERS STATE: ABIDJAN
RECEIVERS COUNTRY: COTE D' IVOIRE
TEXT QUASTION: GOD HAS
ANSWER: BLESS ME
MTCN NUMBERS????
YOU HAVE TO SEND BACK THE INFORMATIONS YOU USE IN SENDING THIS FEE,
YOU HAVE TO SEND THE FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER, TO ENABLE ME PULL IT BEST REGARDS
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane
Professor Wayans,
Why do I have to pay you via Western Union? You're a BANK, for crying out loud! Send me the invoice and account details for a direct transfer! What were you thinking?
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[Days pass...]

22 April 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE

ATTN:
I AM STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU, I HAVE SENT SO MANY EMAILS TO YOU YET NO REPLAY FROM YOU, I AM STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU, REPLY AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS EMAIL
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane
Dr Wayans,
This is the first I've heard from you for ten days.
You were supposed to be sending me your banking details! Why didn't you?
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[Days pass...]

12 April 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE

ATTN:
SO ARE YOU READY TO PAY THE FEE SO THAT WE WILL PROCEED,?, when are you sending the fee?,
I am waiting to hear from you soon
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane
Prof Wayans,
There are two conditions under which I'll pay the fee:
[1] By Western Union provided I get an invoice and a copy of the ID of the collector.
[2] By direct bank transfer provided I get an invoice and full account details.
There are no other options. Give me what I want or no payment.
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[Days pass...]

23 April 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE

ATTN:
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU TO ENABLE US TRANSFAR THIS MONEY TO YOU WITHOUT ANY DELAY, AS IT MIGHT INTREST YOU THAT WE WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY FORM OF DELAY IN THIS TRANSACTION, WE ARE ALWAYS BUSY IN THE OFFICE HERE TRANSARRING
PEOPLES MONEY ALOVER THE GLOBE, SO WE ARE WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SO THAT WE WILL TRANSARR YOUR MONEY TO YOU, YOU HAVE TO SEND AN EMIL TO US NOW AS OON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS EMAIL TO ENABLE US SERVE YOU BETTER
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy) TELE==== +225 061 93 54
infor_coopecbank@yahoo.fr
Eliza Dane
Dr Wayans,
Listen up, bonehead; it's been more than ten days since I sent you a reply, and it should have been as clear as fucking day what I needed from you.
Remember this?

There are two conditions under which I'll pay the fee:
[1] By Western Union provided I get an invoice and a copy of the ID of the collector.
[2] By direct bank transfer provided I get an invoice and full account details.
There are no other options. Give me what I want or no payment.

Also - don't get uppity with me! You do not set deadlines - especially with all the long delays you've caused!
Eliza Dane
Rose Adams

[More days pass... and then another scammer joins the game; an ally or a rival?]

30 April 2007

Dear,
I know that you might be surprise on this mail, but I am telling you the truth. I know that it is against my official duty to release confidential issue like this to an outsider. There is nothing I can do to help you beside this.
What I want to tell you is about your fund with the COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE, there are a lot forces working against you right from the last CBC Governor Imon Udoh and WAYAS AND MICHEAL JOHNSON,they have been frustrating you by demanding upfront payment from you constantly, If I tell you that they are using all these money you sent to them to work against you, you might not believe it. But it is reality.
There is a way I can assist you get your fund without you paying any charges to get your fund, it is risk but one have to take it, I have assisted one woman from Mexico with it, it worked out though her fund was US$9.5m. What you have to do is to open another bank account any where, if you can open it in another place, it will be nice, but what you have to bear in mind is that you have to re-transfer the fund to another account immediately you confirmed it in your account, I know why I want it this way.
If you want me to go ahead, let me know as soon as you get this mail, and I will make the transfer without further delay, it might be next month that they will find out and by then, you have re-transferred the fund into another account.
Get back to me through this email as soon as you get this mail so that I will be in better position to know what to do.
Mrs.Rose Adams
KTT Dept CBN.
Eliza Dane
Mrs Adams,
You'd better explain what you're planning to do and what you want in return - no-one does anything for nothing.
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Rose Adams

[Oh great - another lawyer! Note the name ("Joy Obi") and the fact that the Lad uses "he" in reference to the lawyer. ]

01 May 2007

Dear
I am in reciept of your mail.I appreciate your swift response to this E-mail.Like i made you to undersatnd in the mail,there are forces working against the smooth transfer of these fund to the end account which i am going to use my position to effect immedaitely.
But i want you to know that i am doing this purely on humanitrian grounds. After the sucess of this transaction i am asking for 15% of the total money as compensation for my efforts.I am happily married with five kids, three boys and two girls.
This how the transfer will be effected:I will need a software that I will install in the computer, which will make it impossible for another person to notice the transfer in the KTT system.As per the documents that will back up the transfer,I will contact our accredited lawyer to provide you with the legal back-up.I know how to programm the transfer notice in your favour to him,what we need is just for him to get in your favours a transfer notice document from the appropriate authorities and the deal is done.
I am sending to you immedaitely a message you will transcribe and send to the lawyer immedaitely and as soon as he recieves your notice he will come to my desk for confirmation of information and i will respond him with other classified datas to these funds .
Please Note that notifying the lawyer about your intention will not in anyway affect this deal because it is a normal protocol for the transfer.
This is the Attorney's contact informations
Name: BARRISTER JOY OBI(SAN)
Email: joy_obi_john@yahoo.com
You will send to me the following information to contiue the transfer immediately:
1.Beneficiary Full Name
2.Telephone and fax
3.Recieving bank details.
Please send this required information to me immedaitely before contacting the lawyer so that i will prepare myself for this task.
As soon as all is perfected you shall send to me your mailing address where i will post the original document to you via DHL or FEDEX courier so that you can authoritatively ask the first bank which i will transfer this money, to Re-transfer to a confidential account.
I await your immedaite reply.
Mrs.Rose Adams
Eliza Dane
Mrs Adams,
Before we go any further, there's something that still puzzles me - this: "As soon as all is perfected you shall send to me your mailing address where i will post the original document to you via DHL or FEDEX courier so that you can authoritatively ask the first bank which i will transfer this money, to Re-transfer to a confidential account". Why do I need a hard copy? When I send on your share, can't I just send it to your account? I must be missing something.
Eliza Dane
Rose Adams
03 May 2007

ATTN ELIZA DANE
WELL YOU CAN JUST SEND IT TO MY ACCOUNT, THAT IS NOT PROBLEM, HAVE YOU CONTACTED THE ATTONNY, YOU HAVE TO SEND AN EMAIL TO HIM NOW OK
MRS ROSE ADAMS
Eliza Dane
Mrs Obi,
I was told by Mrs Rose Adams to contact you. Has she told you why?
Regards,
Eliza Dane
Eliza Dane
Mrs Adams, I got in touch, and she didn't reply. Not exactly hauling ass I'd say!
Should I send her another message?
Eliza Dane
Mrs Joy John Obi

[OK, we have the lawyer... and it's Mrs, please note. I can use this.]

05 May 2007

From The Desk Of
Mrs Joy John Obi(SAN)
Principal Patner
JOY JOHN OBI & ASSOCIATES.
Attorney & Soilcitors.
Attn:Madam,
I acknowledge the reciept of your mail.
I have forwarded your request to the appropriate desk at Coopec Bank Head Office for verification and i shall revert back to you to this regard.
Tommorow,i shall send to you a detailed message on what is required from your end to effect the transfer of your outstanding payment
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs Joy John Obi(SAN)
Principal Patner
Mrs JOY JOHN OBI & ASSOCIATES.
Eliza Dane

[I hoped that a lesbian joke might cause some friction...]

Mrs Obi,
Cool. Keep me posted!
By the way - probably none of my business, but what's with you and that Rose Adams? She kept using "he" and "him" talking about you. You don't both walk on the other side of the street, do you?
Eliza Dane
Mrs Joy John Obi

[Meh. Still on script.]

06 May 2007

From The Desk Of
Mrs Joy John Obi (SAN)
Principal Partner
MRS JOY JOHN OBI & ASSOCIATES.
Attorney & Solicitors.
Attn:
I received a fax message from the Coopec Bank of cote d' ivoire KTT Department notifying my chambers as the accredited attorneys to the apex bank exonerating your person/particulars which i forwarded to them for verification of any shortfall as regards your outstanding money transfar. I was made to understand that your money has been on the scheduled payments list floating and your payment is supposed to have been transferred to you earlier before now. We apologize for this inadequacy.
Unfortunately from the report reaching me also, it is not on record that your person/particulars have been cleared by the recently constituted authorities, Cote d' ivoire Financial Intelligent Unity (NFIU) and Any Federal High Court within the jurisdiction of the contract which is directly under the Presidency. This committee made up of this two organs are the only authentic agency jointly set up by the Presidency to check irregularities, you will be required to get their clearance to effect your transfer immediately.There are two ways you can do this:
1. Physical clearance.
2. Clearance by Re-presentation.
If you would prefer the first option by being physically present you have to notify us about your arrival date, so that we would assign a lawyer from our chambers that will put you through the process. And if you will not be able to fly down physically, my chamber will also carryout this task on your behalf free of consultation or service charge. We have a contract and an understanding with our employers the (CBCI) they take care of our service and consultation charges in matters like this.
Note that the compulsory stamp duty and clearance from the Cote d' ivoire Financial Intelligent Unity(NFIU) and Federal High Court will cost you contractor, a statutory official fee of Eight Hundred and Twenty United States Dollars Only(USD$820)administrative. This fee is payable through the court clerk. Via any International Money Transfer in the case of foreign contractors in this category to:
Mr. iwuji magnus
Plot 10008, Commercial Road,
Apapa, Cote d' ivoire
If you confirm the remittance notice to us, we will pick it up to the court for a payment receipt and the clearance would be given in your favor immediately for onward transfer to you money to your account.
I am waiting for your Urgent reply to this matter.
Eliza Dane

[I shouldn't have mentioned this...]

Mrs Obi,
Why are you referring to me as a 'foreign contractor'? This business has nothing to do with any contract.
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[S/he is gone.
But guess who's back!]

18 June 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE

ATTN:
ON BEHALF OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTOR AND MANAGEMENT OF THIS BANK, WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE STILL WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU TO ENABEL US TRANSFAR YOUR MONEY TO YOU WITHOUT ANY DELAY, IF YOU FAIL TO REPLY THIS EMAIL WE WILL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS AND WE MAY CANCEL THIS TRANSACTION,
WE HAVE SENT EMAILS TO YOU AND YET NO REPLY FROM YOU, WE WANT YOU TO TELL US ARE YOU READY TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY????, ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS TRANSACTION OR NOT????/,
YOU HAVE TO GET BACK TO US TO ENABLE US TRANSFAR YOUR MONEY TO YOU WITHOUT ANY DELAY
BEST REGARDS
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane
Dr Wayans,
You've been waiting for me? Well ain't that interesting - I was waiting for you, but gave up in disgust!
Did you even bother to do anything about that cocksucker Imoh Udoh? If you didn't, then I'm not going to give you the fucking time of day!
I told you what to do before; so do it and let's get this over with.
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[S/he is gone.
But guess who's back!]

19 June 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE

ATTN:
this bank would want you to show a littel seriousness and you have to pay half of this fee to prove that you are serious and that you are not a joker then we will get all that you ask from us and we will forward then to you, but right now this bank understands that you are a joker and that you are never serious, so prove you it
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas
(Director Remitancy) tele + 225 06 15 93 54
Eliza Dane
Dr Wayans,
The last time I did what you said and paid you, that cocksucker Imoh Udoh pinched it, and you never did anything about it.
I'm still trying to work out what happened!
I don't know exactly how to prove myself, but I'm willing to learn. What's the deal?
Eliza Dane
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas

[Wait - Nigeria? Did someone pass off the bait or something? Unlikely - this is definitely the same Lad.]

21 June 2007

COOPEC BANK OF COTE D' IVOIRE
tele + 225 06 15 93 54

ATTN:
THIS IS THE INFORMATIONS YOU WILL SEND THIS FEES WITH TODAY, IF YOU ARE SERIOUS YOU HAVE TO SEND THIS FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFAR YOU HAVE TO SEND THIS MONEY TO NIGERIA WITH THIS INFORMATION, DO NOT MAKE MISTAKE ABOUT IT, BECAUSE MR ADAMS IFEANYI EDDY IS NOW IN NIGERIA TO GET THIS DOCUMENTS, SO SEND IT TO NIGERIA ,
RECEIVERS NAME: ADAMS EDDY IFEANYI
RECEIVERS ADDRESS: NIGERIA OWERRI
RECEIVERS STATE: OWERRI
RECEIVERS COUNTRY: NIGERIA
TEXT QUASTION: GOD HAS
ANSWER: BLESS ME
MTCN NUMBERS????
YOU HAVE TO SEND BACK THE INFORMATIONS YOU USE IN SENDING THIS FEE IN THIS MAIL BOX, YOU HAVE TO SEND THIS MONEY TO NIGERIA WITH THIS INFORMATION? DO NOT MAKE MISTAKE ABOUT IT, BECAUSE MR ADAMS IFEANYI EDDY IS NOW IN NIGERIA TO GET THIS DOCUMENTS, SO SEND IT TO NIGERIA ,
BEST REGARDS
Prof.Emmanuel Wayas (Director Remitancy)
Eliza Dane

[Boring - time to say goodbye.]

Now I know that you're actually Imoh Udoh jerking my chain.
Michael Johnson said that all the documents had been obtained and he never mentioned needing anything from Nigeria.
Get fucked, cockbreath!

[And guess what... I never heard from him again!]


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