THINGS GO BETTER WITH COKE

Comrade Ilya Kuryakin returns!

Greetings once again to all at Scamorama! Here's one that is totally new to me: a lottery run by Coca Cola that (wonder of wonders!) I've won!
Once again, Illya Kuryakin, CEO of Youngline Publishing, Ltd. is ready to grapple with the incompetence being foisted on him by these no-account, so-called "businessmen".

ILYA KURYAKIN, CEO of Youngline Publishing, Ltd. (our hero, last seen in THE MAN FROM I AIN'T YER UNCLE)
ROBERT LAWSON, Fiduciary agent for Coca Cola
FRANK NERO, contact for SKYNET courier service

[Rudeness v2.0 implemented by agreement with Agent Mikhail Stroganov of The Foreign Office in accordance with the International Secret Agents Abrasiveness Act.]

[We begin:]

ROBERT LAWSON

Received: from [66.178.40.43] <-- New Skies Satellites N.V. (3PC Corp)
From: cocacolaprizeaward@comcast.net
Subject: OFFICIAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION

THE COCA COLA COMPANY,
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD,
DEPTCOCA COLA AVENUE,
STAMFORD BRIDGE LONDON,
SW1V 3DW UNITED KINGDOM.

THE COCA COLA COMPANY OFFICIAL PRIZE NOTIFICATION

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws held on the (26 Sep, 2006) by Coca-Cola in conjunction with the British American Tobacco Worldwide Promotion, your email was among th 20 Lucky winners who won £500,000.00 each on the THE COCA COLA COMPANY PROMOTION However the results were released on the 10th Oct, 2006 and your email was attached to ticket number (7PWYZ2006)and ballot number (BT:12052006/20The online draws was conducted by a random selection of email addresses from an exclusive list of 29,031 E-mail addresses of individuals and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet. However, no tickets were sold but all email addresses wer e assigned to different ticket numbers for representation and privacy.

The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection machine (TOPAZ) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world. This Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR).This lottery is the 3rd of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public.

In other to claim your £500,000.00 prize winning, which has been deposited in a designated bank. However,you will have to fill the form below and send it to the Promotion manager of THE COCA COLA COMPANY for verification and then you will be directed to the bank where a cheque of £500,000.00 has already been deposited in your favour.

NAME:....................... ..............
AGE:........................................
SEX:........................................
ADDRESS:...............................
EMAIL:....................................
PHONE:...................................
OCCUPATION:.........................
COMPANY:..............................
COUNTRY:...............................

Please you are adviced to complete the form and send it immediately to our Promotion manager through email or fax for prompt collection of your fund from the designated bank.

CONTACT PROMOTION MANAGER:
Name:Agent Robert Lawson
Phone # : +44 701 113 7737
+44 707 7080607
Fax # : +44 870 479 1368
E mail:cocacolapromo_claimsdept@yahoo.co.uk

You are to keep all lotto information away from the general public especially your ticket number and ballot number. (This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained).

Congratulations once more. Yours faithfully,
Management

======================================================
N.B: Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result to,disqualification Anybody under the age of 18 cannot participate in this program.Do Not Reply To This Office As You Are To Contact The Promotion Manager with Your Informations To Enable Processing Your Winnings.


[Scam-o-mavens will immediately recognize a typical Lotto letter.]


[Kuryakin responds:]

ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON

WELL THIS IS A FINE DAY INDEED_NORMALLY I COME TO MY PRIVATE EMAIL ACCOUNT ONLY TO FIND A LOAD OF FLY BY NIGHT GREASY PALMED SO-CALLED BANKERS AND ATTORNEYS TRYING TO ROPE ME INTO SOME SCAM INVOLVING MONEY BELONGING TO A DECEASED ENGINEER IN SOME MUD HUT METROPOLIS_GOOD TO FINALLY SEE SOMETHING CIVILIZED_AND FREE MONEY TO BOOT_BELOW YOU WILL FIND THE INFORMATION YOU NEED FOR ME TO CLAIM MY 500,000 POUNDS_I'M SURE YOU WILL FIND EVERYTHING IN ORDER SO THAT YOU MAY FORWARD THE CHECK TO ME IMMEDIATELY_I AM AT THE MOMENT NOT IN MY OFFICE BUT SPENDING A RELAXING WEEKEND IN SCROTAL COVE PLAYING GOLF_HOWEVER MY SECRETARY MS. IVANA MOORECOCK IS AT THE READY AT THE OFFICE TO TAKE YOUR CALLS_PLEASE CONTACT HER OR MYSELF VIA EMAIL ASAP SO THAT I MAY MAKE USE OF THESE FUNDS_WE'RE LOOKING FOR NEW TALENT FOR YOUNGLINE MAGAZINE'S FALL FAUX FUR FESTIVAL ISSUE AND CAN USE SOME EXTRA CAPITAL AS INCENTIVE_NOW LET'S SEE SOME SPEED ON YOUR END SO WE MAY CONCLUDE THIS BUSINESS POST HASTE_CHOP CHOP MAN CHOP CHOP

NAME:ILLYA KURYAKIN
AGE: 54
SEX:MALE
ADDRESS:2 West Street, New York, NY 10004.
EMAIL:xxxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx
PHONE:(212)xxx-xxxx
OCCUPATION:CEO/ Youngline Publising, Ltd.
COMPANY:Youngline Publishing, Ltd. A division of UNCLECORP
COUNTRY:USA

ALRIGHT YOU HAVE THE INFORMATION IN HAND AND I AWAIT YOUR REPLY_HOP TO IT MAN

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



Lawson takes the bait:

ROBERT LAWSON

Attn: Illya Kuryakin,

I am in receipt of your email and details sent to this office. Below are the information you require for the payment of your prize, you will have to choose the option that best suits you.

Please note most importantly that you can only make contact with one of the delivery options.

COURIER CONTACT
SkyNet Worldwide Express,
Lawrence Road, Hounslow
Middlesex, TW4 6DR
Tel #:+44 702 402 0454
Email:skynet.express@yahoo.co.uk

PAYING BANK CONTACT
Dr. Paul William Cole,
(Foreign Transfer/Logistics Director)
Shipley Brown Private Bank, UK
Tel: +44 701 113 9440
Email: contact_shipleybrownbank@consultant.com

Note: you are Quote your complete names, Ref/Batch Numbers and your direct phone number so that they can honour your letter. Once again i say congratulations and always seek for prefessional advise when dealing with the Bank or the Courier Company

Sincerely,
Robert Lawson
Fiduciary Agent



ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON,

I RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL WHILE AT THE CLUBHOUSE AT SCROTAL COVE FOLLOWING A ROUSING GAME OF GOLF IN WHICH MY OPPONENTS WERE COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED_AND YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE THAT SOME MONEY WAS ON THE LINE AS WELL_I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM EXPLAIN THOSE MONETARY LOSSES TO THEIR WIVES WHEN THEY GET HOME_BUT ONE OF THE MANY REASONS I HAVE DEFERRED MATRIMONIAL BLISS_BUT I DIGRESS_YOUR INFORMATION WAS NOT CLEAR_WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN ONLY MAKE CONTACT WITH ONE OF THE DELIVERY OPTIONS_WHAT, ARE WE LIVING IN NAZI GERMANY? WHY CAN'T I CONTACT BOTH AND DISCUSS WHICH OPTION WORKS BEST FOR ME? FURTHER, YOU ALLUDE TO "REF/BATCH NUMBERS" AND I HAVE NOT SEEN HIDE NOR HAIR OF EITHER ONE_HOW IN THE DEVIL'S DIAPERS AM I SUPPOSED TO PROVIDE THIS INFORMATION TO ONE OF THE DELIVERY OPTIONS IF YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN IT TO ME? FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND GIVE ME WHAT I NEED TO GET THIS MONEY DELIVERED TO ME_I WON'T HAVE THIS DEAL GO PEAR SHAPED DUE TO SOME INEPTITUDE ON YOUR END_AND ONE OTHER THING: DO THEY NO LONGER TEACH BASIC ENGLISH OVER THERE? GOOD GOD MAN YOU PEOPLE INVENTED IT SO GET A SPELL CHECK OR THE LATEST COPY OF DICK AND JANE OR AN A LEVEL SPELLING PRIMER OR WHATEVER IN GOD'S NAME WILL HELP YOU SPELL LIKE A PROFESSIONAL BUSINESSMAN AND NOT SOME DIMWIT WHO HAD A NAME TAG SLAPPED ON HIS CHEST AND WAS TOLD TO "MIND THE STORE" WHILE THE GROWN UPS ARE ON LUNCH BREAK_YOUR POOR SPELLING SETS THE WRONG IMPRESSION MAN_SO TAKE THE ADVICE IN THE SPIRIT IT WAS GIVEN_NOW EMAIL ME BACK AND CLEAR UP THIS "REF/BATCH NUMBER" BUSINESS AND TELL ME WHY I CAN'T CONTACT EITHER DELIVERY OPTION AND MAKE IT SNAPPY MAN_LETS SEE SOME SPEED FOR GODS SAKE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



Lawson tries to explain:

ROBERT LAWSON

ATTN: ILLYA KURYAKIN,
SEQUEL TO YOUR EMAIL, I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE ONLY REQUIRED TO MAKE NECESSARY CONTACT WITH ONE OF THE OPTION THAT BEST SUITE YOU FOR THE DELIVERY OF YOUR PRIZE WINNING TO YOU.

PLEASE FIND PROPER EXPLAINATION OF BOTH OPTIONS BELOW:

COURIER DELIVERY:
THIS WILL INVOLVE US FORWARDING YOUR WINNING CHEQUE TO THE COURIER COMPANY FOR THE HANDLING OF YOUR DELIVERY. AND DELIVERY WILL BE MADE TO YOU WITHIN 24HOURS AFTER YOU HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THE REQUIRED DELIVERY COST. YOU ARE THEN TO PROCEED TO YOUR LOCAL BANK WITH THE CHEQUE TO CASH IT ONCE YOU ARE IN RECEIPT OF THE CHEQUE.

THEY HAVE VARYING COST FOR DELIVERY AND THIS DEPENDS ON THE METHOD OF DELIVERY CHOSEN BY YOU. THE COST DEPENDS ON ALSO THPROVIDED TO YOU BY THE COURIER FIRM IF YOU CHOOSE TO EMPLOY THEIR SERVICES.

BANK TRANSFER:
THIS PROCESS WILL ENTAILS YOU CONTACTING THE RECOMMENDED ONLINE BANK HERE IN THE UNITED KINGDOM WITH WHOM YOU WILL THEN OPEN AN ONLINE ACCOUNT. ONCE THE ACCOUNT IS SETUP WITH THE BANK, YOU ARE TO GET BACK TO US SO THAT WE MAY FORWARD YOUR WINNING CHEQUE TO THE BANKWHO WILL THEN DEPOSITE THE CHEQUE IN YOUR ACCOUNT FOR CLEARANCE. UPON CLEARANCE, YOUR FUNDS CAN THEN BE TRANSFERED TO YOU ELECTRONICALLY.

THE OPTION REQUIRES YOU OPENING AN ACCOUNT AND THEN ACTIVATING THE ACCOUNT WITH AN INITIAL DEPOSITE/ACTIVATION DEPOSITE. THE ACTIVATION DEPOSITE DEPENDS ON THE TYPE OF ACCOUNT YOU WISH TO OPEN WITH THE BANK AS THEY HAVE VARIOUS ACCOUNT TYPES. NOTE THAT MOST IMPORTANTLY THAT THE ACTIVATION DEPOSITE IS STILL VERY MUCH YOUR FUNDS AND WILL BE CREDITED INTO THE ACCOUNT YOU WILL BE SETTING UP AND IS IMMEDIATELY AVAILABLE TO YOU AS SOON AS YOU HAVE ACTIVATED YOUR ACCOUNT.

FURTHERMORE, YOU SHOULD TAKE NOTE OF YOUR "REF/BATCH NUMBERS" (REF/TICKET#: 7PWYZ2006 AND BALLOT#: BT12052006) FOR FUTHER CORRESPONDENCE WITH THE BANK OR COURIER COMPANY.

I SINCERELY HOPE THAT YOU ARE CLEAR ON THIS ISSUE. PLEASE KINDLY CONTACT THE OPTION THAT BEST SUITE YOU WITHIN THE SHORTEST POSSIBLE TIME SO THAT WE MAY PROCEED WITH YOUR PAYMENT.

THANKS YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND PATIENCE. DO HAVE A LOVELY DAY AND ONCE AGAIN, CONGRATULATIONS FROM ALL OF US HERE.

Sincerely,
Robert Lawson
Fiduciary Agent.



Lawson gets a bit urgent:

ROBERT LAWSON

Attn: Illya Kuryakin,
Again i want to use this opportunity to send to you the required contact for both options. Find both options contact information below:

COURIER CONTACT
Mr. Frank Nero
Sky Net Worldwide Express,
Lawrence Road, Hounslow
Middlesex, TW4 6DR
Tel #:+44 701 114 0219
Email:skynet.express@yahoo.co.uk

PAYING BANK CONTACT
Dr. Paul William Cole,
(Foreign Transfer/Logistics Director)
SHIPLEY BROWN PRIVATE BANK
London Office,
Founders Court,
Lothbury,London
Tel: +44 701 113 9440
Email: contact_brownshipleybank@consultant.com

Sincerely,
Robert Lawson
Fiduciary Agent



Lawson is allowed to sweat it out for a couple of days, and so writes:

ROBERT LAWSON

Attn:Illya Kuryakin,
Please should you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask me as soon as you have made necessary contact with the option that best suite you.I look forward to your prompt update.

Await your urgent response while we assure you of my professional assistance always.

Best Regards.
Robert Lawson



Kuryakin finally responds:

ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON,

GOOD GOD MAN CALM DOWN_I RECEIVED TWO OTHER HIGH PANIC EMAILS FROM YOU ON THIS AND YOU'D THINK WE'RE DEALING WITH MATTERS OF NATIONAL SECURITY INSTEAD OF PRIZE WINNINGS_FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN THE MONEY'S ALREADY MINE_WHILE I APPRECIATE YOUR SURPRISINGLY ADEPT SPEED IN THIS MATTER THERE'S NO NEED TO PURSUE ME LIKE SOME 2 YEAR OLD BEGGING FOR A PACIFIER_AS IT HAPPENS I MADE A SIDE TRIP TO DIABLO'S HOLE IN TEXAS WHICH IS A NEW LAND DEVELOPMENT OF WHICH YOUNGLINE IS A PARTNER_I ONLY JUST RETURNED AFTER PLAYING A ROUSING GAME OF GOLF WITH 5 OF OUR YOUNGLINE SWIMSUIT MODELS_NOT MUCH OF A GAME ON THE COURSE BUT THEY'RE A HELL OF A BUNCH OF CONVERSATIONALISTS IN THE CLUBHOUSE IF YOU GET MY DRIFT_BUT ENOUGH PLEASANTRIES_I RECEIVED THE INFORMATION YOU SENT ON THE OPTIONS AND AM GLAD TO HEAR THAT TOTALITARIANISM IS NOT YOUR GAME AT COCA COLA_HOWEVER I MUST SAY THAT BOTH OPTIONS SEEM RATHER BYZANTINE IN THEIR COMPLICATIONS_WHAT'S NEXT A SECRET HANDSHAKE FROM YOU TO CONFIRM I AM THE ONE TRUE WINNER OF THE FUNDS_FOR EXAMPLE, WHY MUST I OPEN A NEW ACCOUNT WITH YOUR BANK_FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN CAN'T YOUR BANK JUST WIRE THE FUNDS TO MINE_I HAVE AN ACCOUNT IN SWITZERLAND IF THAT MAKES THINGS EASIER_I'VE HEARD OF THIS SHIPLEY BROWN BANK AND THEY SEEM A BIT TOO SMALL FOR MY FINANCIAL NEEDS_I NEED INTERNATIONAL BANKING POWER NOT SOME GORMLESS ACCOUNTANTS KEEPING COINS IN A SACK_I MAY OPT FOR THE COURIER BUT AM CONCERNED ABOUT THESE FEES YOU MENTIONED_GREAT GUNS MAN DOESN'T COCA COLA HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR SOME LOUT IN SHORT PANTS TO DELIVER THE MONEY TO ME? YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THEY'LL BE DELIVERING THE CASH USING BENTLEYS OR THE DAMNED CONCORD_ USE FED EX IF YOU WANT A DEAL_AND ONE MORE THING_IT SEEMS YOU STILL HAVE YET TO INCORPORATE A SPELL CHECK IN YOUR EMAILS_BY THUNDER MAN I'M ONLY TRYING TO GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE BUSINESSMAN TO BUSINESSMAN BUT YOU'RE COMING OFF LIKE A RETARD WITH THESE CONTINUAL MISPELLINGS_IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE RAISED BY SOME HANKY WEARING BARELY LITERATE GOATHERD_DOES COCA COLA KNOW ABOUT THIS? I'M SURE THEY HAVE SOME FORM OF REMEDIAL PROGRAM_YOU SHOULD LOOK INTO IT OR I CAN SAY WITH CERTAINTY YOUR FUTURE IN BUSINESS LOOKS GRIM

IN ANY CASE, I EXPECT YOUR USUAL SPEED IN ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS HERE BUT DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THERE'S A DELAY IN MY REPLY_I'LL BE INTERVIEWING 10 NEW MODELS FOR THE MAGAZINE TOMORROW AND WILL BE TOO DEEP IN THEM_NOW HOP TO IT AND THE NEXT EMAIL I GET HAD BETTER BE SPELLED CORRECTLY MAN

I. KURYAKIN CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



Lawson has apparently found a dictionary:

ROBERT LAWSON

Attn: Illya Kuryakin,

I receieved your email, i wish to inform you that your winning funds is presently in an ESCROW ACCOUNT fully insured and hence deduction is impossible. And you would be required to make an initial opening deposit, this deposit will be credited into your new account. Due to the fact that no form of transactions can be effected from a suspense account, you would be required to activate an operational account with us so that the funds can be transisted from the suspense account which it is presently lodged into the operational account you are to open with the bank.

We are in full receipt of your email. Without much ado, you are to be notified in brief that the services i am to render to you is in accordance with Sky Net World Wide Express. You must be fully aware that all packages in respect for delivery have been thoroughly check and verified to be valid by our experts.

Moreover, you should be notified as well, that your consignment has been declared for special delivery before a reasonable time limit. We will require from you to kindly write us a letter of declination to ascertain redirection of parcel, whether to be returned back to the lottery organisation as a Sky Net consignment or be delivered to your doorstep at your assigned destination.It is of paramount importance and of great consequence that you completely understand the terms in which your winnings has been deposited in the courier firm , which includes it being "BONDED, NOT DIVISIBLE AND NOT NEGOTIABLE". This implies that at any point you initiate a transfer of the funds, you are expected to receive the total sum without any deductions or variations.

Be informed that this fundamental terms are very fundamental to your transactions and we can be legally held liable for any act or omissions on our part contrary to the above stated terms or part their off, hence we demand that you ask for an explanation should you not completely understand the above terms so as to ensure that we do not run into any technical legal problems in the course of discharging our duties.

However for clarification purpose, Sky Net World Wide Express being a conglomerate courier company which is only responsible for the delivery of parcel(s) upon payment with regards to the eligibility and authenticity of document to deliver in respect. In other words, such valuable document are substantially charged for delivery to the assigned destination. This perculiar hardcover insurance policy prevents deductions from winning sum before remittance and also does not allow the certified cheque to be opened. I will give you a call later in the day to make this clear to you. As you can see from the aforementioned, your winnings can only be delivered when the charges have been paid.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Robert Lawson



Kuryakin reacts to Lawson's wordiness:

ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON

FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN WHEN I TOLD YOU TO ENHANCE YOUR LANGUAGE SKILLS I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO YANK OUT EVERY 10 DOLLAR WORD YOU'VE GOT UP YOUR BUTT AND SPEW THEM OUT ON THE PAGE_YOUR WRITING NOW SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE HAD A LAWYER THROW UP ALL OVER YOU_NO ONE WANTS TO READ ANYTHING WRITTEN BY SOMEONE TRYING TO COME OFF LIKE SOME LARGE LOBED BRANIAC_ESPECIALLY IF HE FAILS AS MISERABLY AS THIS DRIVEL YOU'VE WRITTEN_I PRACTICALLY NEEDED A TRANSLATOR TO DECIPHER THIS MUCK_FOR EXAMPLE WHAT IN THE DEVIL'S BALLS DOES "FUNDS CAN BE TRANSISTED FROM THE SUSPENSE ACCOUNT" MEAN?!?!? WHAT IN BLAZES IS A "SUSPENSE ACCOUNT" FOR THAT MATTER??? DOES IT KEEP ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT? AND A "PERCULIAR HARDCOVER INSURANCE POLICY"???? GREAT THUMPING THUNDERHEADS MAN I COULD CARE LESS WHAT TYPE OF STRANGE BINDING YOU'VE USED TO PUBLISH YOUR INSURANCE POLICY_WHAT I NEED ARE THE PARTICULARS ON HOW THIS IS ALL WORKING AND I NEED THEM IN CLEARLY WRITTEN ENGLISH_HENCE IF YOU "DEMAND" THAT I ASK FOR AN EXPLANATION THEN THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING_YOUR HOPELESSLY INADEQUATE "EXPLANATION" REGARDING THE ESCROW ACCOUNT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL_YES THE FUNDS ARE NOT AVAILABLE BUT THE ACCOUNT SHOULD BE_I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT WHAT I'M DEALING WITH ARE A BUNCH OF COLA SWILLING RETARDS OVER THERE WHOSE SOLE EXPERIENCE IN DEALING WITH MATTERS OF COMMERCE HAS COME FROM AN OUTDATED MANUAL ON THE FINE ART OF BUSINESS THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN 5 DECADES AGO BY THE DERANGED RINGMASTER OF SOME TWO BIT FLEA CIRCUS_FINE THEN WE'LL DISPENSE WITH THE BANK TRANSFER OPTION AS I WOULDN'T WANT TO CAUSE YOU TO FILL YOUR PANTS OVER THE STRESS OF TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE IDIOCY BEHIND WHY YOU CAN'T DO A DIRECT BANK TRANSFER_AND IF IT'S BECAUSE SOME OBSCURE "CONDITIONS" HAVE YET TO BE FILLED THEN WHY DON'T YOU SPIT THEM OUT MAN AND STOP LEAVING ME HALF IN THE DARK_ IN ANY CASE I SUPPOSE I'LL BE GOING WITH THE COURIER OPTION THEN_ALTHOUGH NOT HAVING HEARD OF SKY NET AND GIVEN THE DIMWITTED WAY IN WHICH THIS HAS BEEN HANDLED SO FAR I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THEIR "DELIVERY OPTIONS" CONSISTED OF HALF BLIND ARMY SUPLUS CARRIER PIGEONS THAT LAST SAW ACTION IN WORLD WAR II_AND BY ALL MEANS I SUGGEST YOU PHONE ME AT THE RITZ SO WE CAN PERHAPS HASH OUT A WORKABLE SYSTEM OF DELIVERY HERE BEFORE NEW YEARS ALTHOUGH AT THIS POINT I'D SOONER BET ON A THREE LEGGED SCABROUS PIG WINNING THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT_MY SECRETARY MS. MOORECOCK IS AT THE READY TO RECEIVE YOU SO CALL MY OFFICE AT ONCE MAN DO YOU HEAR AND GIVE ME AN IDEA OF WHAT TO DO NEXT THAT IS A LITTLE MORE CLEAR THAN DIRTIED MOLASSES_NOW HOP TO IT MAN

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



ROBERT LAWSON

Attn: Illya Kuryakin,

I receieved your email, i wish to inform you that your winning funds is presently in an ESCROW ACCOUNT fully insured and hence deduction is impossible. And you would be required to make an initial opening deposit, this deposit will be credited into your new account. Due to the fact that no form of transactions can be effected from a suspense account, you would be required to activate an operational account with us so that the funds can be transisted from the suspense account which it is presently lodged into the operational account you are to open with the bank.

We are in full receipt of your email. Without much ado, you are to be notified in brief that the services i am to render to you is in accordance with Sky Net World Wide Express. You must be fully aware that all packages in respect for delivery have been thoroughly check and verified to be valid by our experts.

Moreover, you should be notified as well, that your consignment has been declared for special delivery before a reasonable time limit. We will require from you to kindly write us a letter of declination to ascertain redirection of parcel, whether to be returned back to the lottery organisation as a Sky Net consignment or be delivered to your doorstep at your assigned destination.It is of paramount importance and of great consequence that you completely understand the terms in which your winnings has been deposited in the courier firm , which includes it being "BONDED, NOT DIVISIBLE AND NOT NEGOTIABLE". This implies that at any point you initiate a transfer of the funds, you are expected to receive the total sum without any deductions or variations.

Be informed that this fundamental terms are very fundamental to your transactions and we can be legally held liable for any act or omissions on our part contrary to the above stated terms or part their off, hence we demand that you ask for an explanation should you not completely understand the above terms so as to ensure that we do not run into any technical legal problems in the course of discharging our duties.

However for clarification purpose, Sky Net World Wide Express being a conglomerate courier company which is only responsible for the delivery of parcel(s) upon payment with regards to the eligibility and authenticity of document to deliver in respect. In other words, such valuable document are substantially charged for delivery to the assigned destination. This perculiar hardcover insurance policy prevents deductions from winning sum before remittance and also does not allow the certified cheque to be opened. I will give you a call later in the day to make this clear to you. As you can see from the aforementioned, your winnings can only be delivered when the charges have been paid.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Robert Lawson



ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON

FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN WHEN I TOLD YOU TO ENHANCE YOUR LANGUAGE SKILLS I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO YANK OUT EVERY 10 DOLLAR WORD YOU'VE GOT UP YOUR BUTT AND SPEW THEM OUT ON THE PAGE_YOUR WRITING NOW SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE HAD A LAWYER THROW UP ALL OVER YOU_NO ONE WANTS TO READ ANYTHING WRITTEN BY SOMEONE TRYING TO COME OFF LIKE SOME LARGE LOBED BRANIAC_ESPECIALLY IF HE FAILS AS MISERABLY AS THIS DRIVEL YOU'VE WRITTEN_I PRACTICALLY NEEDED A TRANSLATOR TO DECIPHER THIS MUCK_FOR EXAMPLE WHAT IN THE DEVIL'S BALLS DOES "FUNDS CAN BE TRANSISTED FROM THE SUSPENSE ACCOUNT" MEAN?!?!? WHAT IN BLAZES IS A "SUSPENSE ACCOUNT" FOR THAT MATTER??? DOES IT KEEP ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT? AND A "PERCULIAR HARDCOVER INSURANCE POLICY"???? GREAT THUMPING THUNDERHEADS MAN I COULD CARE LESS WHAT TYPE OF STRANGE BINDING YOU'VE USED TO PUBLISH YOUR INSURANCE POLICY_WHAT I NEED ARE THE PARTICULARS ON HOW THIS IS ALL WORKING AND I NEED THEM IN CLEARLY WRITTEN ENGLISH_HENCE IF YOU "DEMAND" THAT I ASK FOR AN EXPLANATION THEN THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING_YOUR HOPELESSLY INADEQUATE "EXPLANATION" REGARDING THE ESCROW ACCOUNT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL_YES THE FUNDS ARE NOT AVAILABLE BUT THE ACCOUNT SHOULD BE_I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT WHAT I'M DEALING WITH ARE A BUNCH OF COLA SWILLING RETARDS OVER THERE WHOSE SOLE EXPERIENCE IN DEALING WITH MATTERS OF COMMERCE HAS COME FROM AN OUTDATED MANUAL ON THE FINE ART OF BUSINESS THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN 5 DECADES AGO BY THE DERANGED RINGMASTER OF SOME TWO BIT FLEA CIRCUS_FINE THEN WE'LL DISPENSE WITH THE BANK TRANSFER OPTION AS I WOULDN'T WANT TO CAUSE YOU TO FILL YOUR PANTS OVER THE STRESS OF TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE IDIOCY BEHIND WHY YOU CAN'T DO A DIRECT BANK TRANSFER_AND IF IT'S BECAUSE SOME OBSCURE "CONDITIONS" HAVE YET TO BE FILLED THEN WHY DON'T YOU SPIT THEM OUT MAN AND STOP LEAVING ME HALF IN THE DARK_ IN ANY CASE I SUPPOSE I'LL BE GOING WITH THE COURIER OPTION THEN_ALTHOUGH NOT HAVING HEARD OF SKY NET AND GIVEN THE DIMWITTED WAY IN WHICH THIS HAS BEEN HANDLED SO FAR I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THEIR "DELIVERY OPTIONS" CONSISTED OF HALF BLIND ARMY SUPLUS CARRIER PIGEONS THAT LAST SAW ACTION IN WORLD WAR II_AND BY ALL MEANS I SUGGEST YOU PHONE ME AT THE RITZ SO WE CAN PERHAPS HASH OUT A WORKABLE SYSTEM OF DELIVERY HERE BEFORE NEW YEARS ALTHOUGH AT THIS POINT I'D SOONER BET ON A THREE LEGGED SCABROUS PIG WINNING THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT_MY SECRETARY MS. MOORECOCK IS AT THE READY TO RECEIVE YOU SO CALL MY OFFICE AT ONCE MAN DO YOU HEAR AND GIVE ME AN IDEA OF WHAT TO DO NEXT THAT IS A LITTLE MORE CLEAR THAN DIRTIED MOLASSES_NOW HOP TO IT MAN

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



ROBERT LAWSON

Attn:Illya Kuryakin

Prior to your email, be informed that in reference to your winning ,we herewith inform you that all process as regards notification and legalisation of your Claims are completed accordingly.

We are using a tested and trusted designated Courier to deliver your legalized and notarized Winning Certificate,Certified Cheque.

Therefore you will be required to contact the courier firm with the details below:

Mr. Frank Nero
Sky Net Worldwide Express,
Lawrence Road, Hounslow
Middlesex, TW4 6DR
Tel #:+44 701 114 0219
Email:skynet.express@yahoo.co.uk

You are to quote your complete names, Ref/Batch Numbers and your direct phone number when contacting the Courier Company so that they can honor your letter. Once again i say congratulations and always seek for professional advice when dealing the Courier Company.

Sincerely,
Robert Lawson
Fiduciary Agent

NB:I shall give you a call later today.



ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON

VERY WELL I SHALL CONTACT THIS NERO AT SKYNET AND HE'D BETTER BE ON THE LEVEL_NOW I MUST TELL YOU THAT FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN YOU NEED TO GET INTO A STUDENTS OVER THE TRADITIONAL AGE CLASS FOR BASIC ENGLISH AND SPELLING_BY THUNDER MAN YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO IMPRESS YOUR PROM DATE WITH YOUR COMMAND OF THE LANGUAGE AND YOU COME OFF SOUNDING LIKE YOU DID ALL YOUR "BOOK LEARNING" WHILE YOU WERE IN PRISON READING LEGAL MANUALS_YOU DO NOT MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION_AND WHY HAVE YOU NOT PHONED ME AS YOU SAID YOU WOULD? MS. MOORECOCK HAS BEEN AWAITING YOUR CALL IN OUR OFFICE AND PRACTICALLY HAS RESORTED TO CAMPING AT HER DESK BUT WE HAVE NOT HEARD ONE PEEP OUT OF YOU_IS THIS HOW THE GREAT COCA COLA TAKES CARE OF ITS LOTTERY WINNERS? WHAT NEXT, WILL THE PRIZE MONEY ACTUALLY TAKE THE FORM OF GLASS BOTTLES THAT MUST BE RETURNED FOR DEPOSIT TO COLLECT THE MONEY? I AM GROWING EVER MORE DUBIOUS OF YOUR COMPANY'S PRACTICES AND YOUR ABILITY TO REPRESENT THEM IN PARTICULAR_BE THAT AS IT MAY IF NERO AND HIS OH SO SECURE SKY NET DO NOT DELIVER I AM HOLDING YOU RESPONSIBLE AND WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND LET YOU KNOW OF IT_NOW FOR GODS SAKE MAN I KNOW YOU PROBABLY WOULD RATHER BE HANGING AROUND THE OFFICE WATER COOLER TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW YOU CAN ADD YOUR SECRETARY'S PANTIES TO YOUR COLLECTION BUT YOU NEED TO PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND START IMPROVING YOUR LANGUAGE SKILLS OR YOU CAN SAY GOOD BYE TO THAT DREAM OF A CORNER OFFICE AND SAY HELLO TO THE JANITOR'S CLOSET MAKE NO MISTAKE_GET TO IT MAN

I. KURYAKIN, CEO Youngline Publications, Ltd.



Aaaand initiates contact with Nero:

ILYA KURYAKIN

NERO

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE CONTACT FOR YOUR COMPANY BY ONE ROBERT LAWSON, A FIDUCIARY AGENT AND OVERLY COMPLEX WRITER FOR COCA COLA_I AM ONE OF THE LOTTERY WINNERS AND THEY HAVE ASKED THAT I USE YOUR RELATIVELY UNKNOWN SERVICE TO COURIER THE PRIZE MONEY_WHY THEY HAVE CHOSEN WHAT IS SURELY A FLY BY NIGHT OPERATION SUCH AS YOURS IS BEYOND ME_MORE THAN LIKELY SOMEONE IN YOUR ORGANIZATION HAS SOME SERIOUS DIRT ON SOMEONE IN COCA COLA'S UPPER RANKS OR AT THE VERY LEAST IS SHAGGING THE HELL OUT OF THEM_NEVERTHELESS SINCE I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO USE YOUR SO-CALLED SERVICE HERE IS THE INFORMATION YOU REQUIRE:

NAME: ILLYA KURYAKIN
PHONE:(212)xxx-xxxx

REF/TICKET#: 7PWYZ2006 AND BALLOT#: BT12052006

YOU NOW HAVE ALL YOU SHOULD REQUIRE TO MOVE FORWARD AND SEND ME WHAT IS MINE_CALL MY OFFICE POST HASTE MAN_MY SECRETARY MS. IVANA MOORECOCK WILL BE READY AND MORE THAN WILLING TO RECEIVE YOU_AND I HOPE YOU'RE BETTER AT USING A PHONE THAN THAT LAYABOUT LAWSON_I HAVE BEEN AWAITING HIS CALL FOR TWO DAYS AND HAVE NOT HEARD ONE SOUND FROM HIM_SHOW ME THAT YOUR COMPANY IS WORTH MORE THAN THE SPIT ON A POSTAGE STAMP AND CAN GET ME WHAT BELONGS TO ME IN A TIMELY FASHION_NOW THE CLOCK IS TICKING SO HOP TO IT MAN AT ONCE DO YOU HEAR AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publications, Ltd.



And Nero joins the fray:

FRANK NERO

REG ORDER NO: S657252,

ATTENTION: Illya Kuryakin,
This is to inform you that your parcel have been officially cleared for delivery by the Verifications Dept. at the headquarters of the Skynetworldwide Couriers Express Service(SCES).The winning number ,original copy of this certificate, together with a covering document from coca cola bottling company will be sent to you and the bank, stating that the parcel was obtained legally through their promotion. You have to choose any of the payment options below that could be most convenient for you to pay the required courier delivery fee.Upon the receipt of your payment, your parcel will be sent to you. Your delivery Service number is CX REG NO. MELI-T/ 17-F042262312 .

The options, together with their associated conditions are presented below:

Option 1: COURIER DELIVERY
(2working days)
Mailing £250.00
Insurance £100.00
Vat (5%) £100.75
TOTAL £450.75

Option 2: COURIER DELIVERY
(4 working days)
Mailing £150.00
Insurance £100.00
Vat (5%) £100.75
TOTAL £350.75

Option 3 POST OFFICE MAIL (7 working days)
Mailing £100.00
Insurance £100.00
Vat (5%) £50.00
TOTAL £250.00

Pls note, that the parcel has been bonded and issued in your name,which means your parcel cannot be tempered with.Please respond to this email by making a selection from the three options above. Also attach a scanned copy of either your driver's licence, international passport (photo page) or any other legally identifying document to Identify you.

PHONE NUMBER:+447011137737
MONDAYS-FRIDAYS 8am -7pm

PLEASE NOTE:You are advise to pay via WESTERN UNION and send a copy of your payment slip to us,You should pay in the name of the finance officer MRS. LISA FISHER.She is our handly officer and keeps record of customers receipt for future references.

Regards,
Mr Frank Nero



But Lawson wants to get a few words in:

ROBERT LAWSON

Dear Illya Kuryakin,

Sequel to your email, I want to you know that on saturday the 21st of Oct, 2006, I tried reaching you or your secretary "MS. MOORECOCK" on the phone as promised in my email sent to you on the 20th of Oct. 2006, but unfortunately there was no response from your end. However, I also want you to know that you have absolute right to reject this WINNINGS as much as you have the right to accept it as well. If you wish to turn it down then let me know so I can send you a rejection form to fill and revert back to this office. I am not going to impose it on you but just doing my job here.

Be further informed that these funds will be released to you as soon as you have made necessary contact with the Courier company in possession of your winning.

Also be reminded that the deadline for the claiming of winnings is the 31st of Oct,2006.After this period, your cash prize will be deemed to have been forfeited by you and will be reused in the drawings of the next edition of the lottery.

Good luck and Congratulations once again. Please send your response within the next 24hrs to this same email address.

Sincerely,
Robert Lawson
Fiduciary Agent



Which provokes the ire of Kuryakin:

ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CALLED ON OCT 21ST????? WHAT KIND OF THIRD RATE CHICANERY ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL OFF YOU LAME BRAIN? MS. MOORECOCK WAS IN THE OFFICE ALL DAY DUE TO AN EMERGENCY STAFF MEETING FOR YOUNGLINE MAGAZINE'S HALLOWEEN HUNNY HOE-DOWN PHOTO SHOOT AND WAS AVAILABLE AT ANY TIME TO TAKE A CALL_I DON'T KNOW WHAT GAME YOU'RE PLAYING OR WHAT TYPE OF CRACK YOU'VE STARTED SMOKING LAWSON BUT YOU'D BETTER STOP PLAYING THESE LUNK HEADED GAMES WITH ME YOU LOUT AND ACTUALLY MAKE A CALL OR IS THE USE OF A PHONE SOMETHING ELSE THAT YOU NEGLECTED TO LEARN ALONG WITH THE USE OF PROPER LANGUAGE AND SPELLING? WHICH, OF COURSE, IS STILL AT THE LEVEL OF A SLIGHTLY RETARDED DROP OUT FROM SOME FLY BY NIGHT LEGAL CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL_YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT TRYING TO PASS HIMSELF OFF AS AN EDUCATED IDIOT AND IT'S NOT WORKING AT ALL YOU NITWIT

AND WHAT'S ALL THIS NONSENSE ABOUT ME REJECTING THE PRIZE MONEY_GOOD GOD MAN ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE???!?!? GREAT THUMPING THUNDERHEADS MAN STOP SNORTING SO MUCH COCAINE LACED SODA OR CLOSE UP THE MINI BAR IN YOUR OFFICE DESK AND START THINKING LIKE A RATIONAL HUMAN BEING INSTEAD OF SOME SYPHILLIS RIDDEN BABOON IN A CHEAP SUIT_THAT IS IF YOU CAN_AND AS FAR AS THIS OCT 31ST DEADLINE I THINK THAT'S A LOAD OF COMPLETE AND UTTER HORSE PISS_WHY HAVE YOU NOT TOLD ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE? WHY WAS THIS NOT MADE CLEAR TO ME BY YOU FROM THE VERY BEGINNING? DO YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU ARE THAT DIMWITTED? WELL AT THIS POINT I JUST MIGHT_REGARDLESS I PUT LITTLE STOCK IN SUCH A CLAIM OF A DEADLINE SO LATE IN THE GAME AND MY ATTORNEY WILL BACK ME UP_ IS THIS SOME KIND OF PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MOMMY'S BOY TACTIC TO GET THIS TRANSACTION DONE SOONER SO YOU CAN GO BACK TO RUMMAGING THROUGH YOUR SECRETARY'S DESK DRAWER LOOKING FOR OLD TAMPONS YOU CAN SNIFF? YOU DISGUST ME MAN AND I'VE HALF A MIND TO CONTACT YOUR SUPERIORS IN THE COMPANY AND HAVE THEM GIVE YOUR SHINY SUITED BOTTOM THE BIG BOOT DOWNSTAIRS_I HAVE WON THAT MONEY LEGALLY AND HAVE CONTACTED YOUR THIRD RATE RAMSHACKLE COURIER COMPANY SO BY YOUR OWN WORDS MY PRIZE MONEY WILL BE RELEASED TO ME_AND ACCORDING TO THE CONTACT WITH THE COMPANY WHO OBVIOUSLY SHARES THE SAME SLUG LEVEL IQ AS YOU, THE MONEY CANNOT BE "TEMPERED WITH" AS IT HAS BEEN BONDED AND ISSUED IN MY NAME_IF YOU TRY AND USE SOME TRUMPED UP RULE TO BACK OUT OF THIS I'LL HAVE YOUR BALLS ON A PLATTER AND FEED THEM TO MY DOG WITH HOLLANDAISE SAUCE MAKE NO MISTAKE MAN_NOW STRAIGHTEN UP AND TRY TO CONDUCT YOURSELF LIKE A PROPER MAN OF BUSINESS WITH SOME IDEA OF GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE INSTEAD OF SOME OVERFED PANTS WETTING THREE YEAR OLD WHO'S MIFFED BECAUSE NURSE WOULDN'T LET HIM HAVE HIS NAPPY_THE NEXT TIME I HEAR FROM YOU I EXPECT YOU TO HAVE ALL THIS OCT 31ST DEADLINE LUNACY CLEARED UP DO YOU HEAR YOU DUNDERHEADED DUMBKOPF? NOW HOP TO IT YOU FLUNKY AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



And Kuryakin also sends a volley back to Nero:

ILYA KURYAKIN

NEROv

WELL I CAN SEE THAT DEALING WITH YOU WILL BE AS MUCH FUN AS GETTING RUN UP WITH A CATHETER_AS I'VE JUST TOLD LAWSON YOU SEEM TO HAVE AS MUCH GRASP OF THE USE OF PROPER ENGLISH AS A TALKING SLUG_AND ONE RAISED BY WOLVES NO LESS_BE THAT AS IT MAY SINCE I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO DEAL WITH YOU AND YOUR THIRD RATE "SHIPPING SERVICE" I WILL CHOOSE OPTION 1 AS I AM FINDING MY EXPERIENCE DEALING WITH YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR UNWASHED LOT AT COCA COLA TO BE ABOUT AS PLEASURABLE AS AN ICE PICK IN THE EAR_HOWEVER BEFORE I PONY UP ANY CASH OR IDENTIFYING DOCUMENTS I WILL NEED TO SEE SOME PROOF FROM YOU OF YOUR LEGITIMACY_SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF A BUSINESS LICENSE OR AN EMPLOYEE I.D. FROM YOU AS AT THIS POINT YOU MAY BE NOTHING MORE THAN SOME OVERWEIGHT PIG FARMER OPERATING OUT OF A TIN SHACK WITH A HALF LAME NAG AND A GLIDER TO USE FOR DELIVERY_SHOW ME THAT YOU ARE A CAPABLE COURIER COMPANY AND I WILL SEND THE DOCUMENTS YOU REQUIRE AND DOUBLE WHAT YOU ARE ASKING FOR IF YOU CAN WRAP THIS UP AND GET ME THE MONEY THAT IS MINE_CAN YOU FATHOM WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU? I'LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR IF YOU CAN DELIVER WHAT'S MINE IN GOOD TIME_SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BLOW THIS LITTLE BONUS THEN YOU'D BETTER GET ON THE STICK AND SEND ME SOME VERIFICATION OF YOUR LEGITIMACY_AND FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN YOU'D BETTER INCLUDE SOME I.D. OF THIS LISA FISHER PERSON AS WELL_I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY SHE IS YOUR "HANDLY OFFICER"_ FOR ALL I KNOW SHE COULD BE SOME TWO DOLLAR HAND JOB HOOKER TO WHOM YOU OWE FAR TOO MUCH MONEY_SHOW ME SOME PROOF THAT SHE IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR COMPANY'S FINANCES AND WE CAN PROCEED LIKE PROPER BUSINESSMEN_NOW THE CLOCK IS TICKING SO LET ME SEE SOME SPEED MAN AT ONCE DO YOU HEAR AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



And Nero responds; with pictures!!

FRANK NERO

REG ORDER NO: S657252,

ATTENTION: Illya Kuryakin,
Sequel to your email sent to this office, I wish to inform you that I cannot send to you the company business license for securiry reason, as it is against our rules and regulation in this company. But I can only send to you a copy of my company identity card and that of Lisa Fish who is our finance officer in charge of keeping record of customers receipt for future references.

Note: :The money should be sent in the name of our accountant./receiving officer.

1) westernunion.com (WESTERN UNION) To pay through WESTERN UNION, access http://www.WesternUnion.com
Or walk in and pay through your local WESTERN UNION location. Information you will need when making a transfer through WESTERN UNION: First Name of Receiver (of payment): LISA
Last Name of Receiver (of payment): FISHER
City: LONDON
Country: ENGLAND

After which a payment receipt will be forwarded to you.You are to forward payment details to this office via email which must include the transaction number and payment informations.

Upon receipt of the above, Your parcel delivery will commence immediately.I want you to note that your parcel will get to you in two days after your transfer has been confirmed.

ONCE AGAIN CONGRATULATIONS!!!

FRANK NERO.

NB:Find attached to this mail a scan copy of my company identification card and that of Lisa Fisher below:





After letting Nero sweat for a couple of days, he writes:

FRANK NERO

SATISFACTION AND TRUST

REG ORDER NO: S657252,

ATTENTION: Illya Kuryakin,

Be informed that we await your response for further correspondence.

ONCE AGAIN CONGRATULATIONS!!!

FRANK NERO.



And Kuryakin finally replies:

ILYA KURYAKIN

NERO

GODFREY DANIELS, MAN! NO NEED TO PESTER ME INCESSANTLY ABOUT MONEY THAT ALREADY BELONGS TO ME_I HAVE NOT CONTACTED YOU DUE TO AN UNEXPECTED WEEKEND TRIP TO TAHITI TO HOST YOUNGLINE MAGAZINE'S "FREE FOR FALL BIKINI BOO BASH" TO CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN_I HAD TO HAND PICK THE MODELS USED IN THIS EVENT AND WAS PRESENT TO INSURE THE BIKINIS WORN WERE OF A STANDARD COMPLIANT WITH YOUNGLINE'S IMAGE AS A PREMIERE MENS MAGAZINE_AS THE KIDS SAY "SKIN IS IN"_BUT I DIGRESS_AS I SUSPECTED DEALING WITH YOU IS GOING TO BE LIKE PASSING A MARBLE SIZED KIDNEY STONE_I AM LESS THAN SATISFIED WITH YOUR RELUCTANCE TO PRODUCE A BUSINESS LICENSE_FOR GODS SAKE MAN I'M A PUBLISHER NOT SOME COURIER COMPANY INDUSTRIAL SPY_ I DOUBT SUCH IDIOCY EVEN EXISTS_STOP ACTING LIKE SOME DRIPPY NOSED MILKSOP AND FIND SOME WAY TO AT LEAST SHOW ME THE RELEVANT INFORMATION THAT PROVES YOUR ARE LEGITIMATE_AND FOR GODS SAKE MAN IS IT LISA FISH OR LISA FISHER??? HOW CAN YOU BUNGLE THE NAME OF SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR YOU YOU NITWIT? WHAT SORT OF SLOPE HEADED SLIP UP IS THAT? PUT THE DAMN BOTTLE DOWN FOR A MOMENT AND TRY AND FOCUS MAN_IN ANY CASE IF THIS LISA FISH OR FISHER DOES IN FACT WORK FOR YOU I WANT YOU TO ASK HER IF SHE EVER CONSIDERED WORKING AS A MODEL_YOUNGLINE HAS A CONTINUAL NEED FOR FRESH FACES AND I HAVE A FEELING SHE JUST MIGHT BE A PERFECT FIT FOR US_LET ME KNOW HER REPLY IN YOUR NEXT EMAIL_AND ONE MORE THING_I'M NOT CERTAIN IF I WANT TO USE WESTERN UNION TO SEND PAYMENT_I WOULD PREFER WIRING THE MONEY TO YOUR BANK DIRECTLY AS YOU'VE ALREADY SHOWN YOU HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH INEPTITUDE TO SPARE AND I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANY THIRD PARTY FOUL UPS_I WOULD PREFER TO RETAIN SOME SANITY AFTER THIS DEAL IS DONE SO I'LL LIMIT MY HAND HOLDING TO ONE RETARDED COMPANY_AND YES I'M TALKING ABOUT YOURS_SO LET ME KNOW WHETHER OR NOT WE CAN PROCEED WITH A MONEY TRANSFER AND IF MS. FISH OR FISHER WILL CONSENT TO MODELLING FOR US_TRY AND STAY SOBER LONG ENOUGH TO AT LEAST GET THAT DONE_NOW HOP TO IT MAN

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



And Kuryakin baits Lawson again, as well:

ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON

WELL?!?!?? WHY IN BEELZEBUB'S BALLS HAVEN'T YOU RESPONDED WITH AN ANSWER TO THIS OCT. 31ST DEADLINE LUNACY? AS YOU CAN SEE IT IS NOW NOV. 1 AND I AM STILL DEALING WITH SKYNET TO HAVE THE MONEY DELIVERED TO ME_SO I GUESS YOUR OH SO OFFICIAL CLAIMS REGARDING A DEADLINE ARE AS RELIABLE AS RUBBER CAN OPENER_NO DOUBT YOU'VE PROBABLY GOT YOUR HANDS FULL SNIFFING CORRECTION FLUID WHILE GETTING PENCIL ERASERS JAMMED UP YOUR ASS BY THE OFFICE MAILBOY_I'VE HALF A MIND TO INFORM COCA COLA WHAT TYPE OF LUNKHEADED LAYABOUTS THEY HAVE SUPPOSEDLY "WORKING" FOR THEM BUT WILL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF A DOUBT IF YOU CAN STOP DRINKING DRANO FOR A MOMENT AND COLLECT YOUR MINISCULE MIND AND GIVE ME AN AT LEAST 25 PERCENT COHERENT REPLY_IS THAT WITHIN THE REALM OF YOUR CAPABILITIES YOU LOON? I DOUBT IT BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GAMBLING MAN SO WHY NOT CHANCE IT_NOW PULL YOUR DAMN FINGER OUT AND GIVE ME A REPLY AT ONCE MAN DO YOU HEAR AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



Which gets a reply from Lawson:

ROBERT LAWSON

Attn:Illya Kuryakin,
Prior to your email, I want you to know that i am not working with the Coca Cola Company, I was only assigned as a temprarily staff for the sake of this promotion on contract bases. However, i wish to inform you that my contract with the Coca Cola Company has expired and upon the deadline they are looking forward to extent the date to the 15th of Nov 2006, but in the main time they have instructed me to pause all claims processing as at this point.

Sincerely,
Robert Lawson
Fiduciary Agent



And also gets Nero to write:

FRANK NERO

SATISFACTION AND TRUST

REG ORDER NO: S657252,

ATTENTION: Illya Kuryakin,
We are in receipt of your email with content well noted. Be informed that i cannot sent the company business license for any reason, but i thought you requested for a company business license or my company's ID and that of Lisa Fisher which i complied to your request by sending to you a scanned copy of my ID and that of Lisa Fisher.

However, i wish to inform you that the fiducairy agent in charge of your winning has instructed me to pause all delivery of pacels to winners as they have reached the deadline date for all winners to process their claims. So, as at this point i cannot asure you of the delivery of your winnings untill i get further instructions from your fiduciary agent to proceed with the delivery fo your winnings.

Furthermore, i spoke with Lisa Fisher about the MODEL_YOUNGLINE thing and she said i might be interested but she would want to know the implications. More so, you indicated in your email that you are not certain using using WESTERN UNION to send the payment, but i will want you to know that due to security reasons we don't give our banking information out to individuals. Also, note that Union Money Transfer which is received and credited on the same day. These services happened to be faster for the remittance of such opening deposits and are still generally accepted in the financial sector by various finance institutions not only in Europe.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Frank Nero



Kuryakin fires back at Lawson first:

ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON

WHAT IN AZAZEL'S ARSEHOLE IS THIS TRUMPED UP DOUBLE SPEAK YOU'RE FOISTING ON ME NOW?!?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT WORKING WITH THE COCA COLA COMPANY YOU FATHEADED PSYCHOTIC? THE DAMN COMPANY LOGO IS ON ALL YOUR EMAILS AND YOU WERE IDENTIFIED AS THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER YOU BOOZE SWILLING RETARD_ALL I SEE HERE IS A WET BEHIND THE EARS THIRD RATE PIECE OF GUTTER TRASH WHO IS IN A PANIC BECAUSE HIS STUPEFYINGLY INEPT ABILITIES ARE FINALLY BEING CALLED INTO QUESTION AND IS NOW TRYING TO MAKE UP SOME NEW RULES TO GET HIMSELF OUT OF THIS GAME LIKE SOME PENCIL NECK SCHOOLBOY WHO STILL WETS HIMSELF AND HAS TO HAVE HIS BLANKY WHEN TAKING A NAP_SEE HERE YOU LAMEBRAINED LACKWIT, THERE WAS NEVER ANY MENTION BY YOU OF A DEADLINE OR CONTRACT EXPIRATION IN YOUR ORIGINAL EMAILS AND I HAVE HAD MY ATTORNEY DEWEY FLEESEM OF THE LAW FIRM WOLFRAM & HART LOOK INTO THIS SITUATION AND HE'S ADVISED ME THAT ANY ATTEMPT BY YOU TO STALL OR NOT EXTEND THIS SO CALLED DEADLINE WILL RESULT IN A MISREPRESENTATION LAWSUIT WHICH WE WILL PURSUE_SO I EXPECT YOU'LL STAY IN WHATEVER DANK CUBICLE THEY'VE HOLED YOU UP IN OVER AT COCA COLA UNTIL THIS WEASEL'S NEST OF IDIOCY HAS BEEN UNFOULED AND THE 500,000 POUNDS THAT BELONGS TO ME IS DELIVERED_I KNOW YOU PROBABLY SPEND YOUR DAYS AT THE OFFICE JUGGLING BALLS OF YOUR OWN EARWAX ON YOUR TONGUE OR FREEBASING NASAL INHALER BUT BY GOD YOU'D BETTER GET THIS NONSENSE STRAIGHTENED OUT YOU BUTTHEADED BUFFOON OR IT WILL NOT GO WELL FOR YOU_NOW THE NEXT EMAIL I GET FROM YOU HAD BETTER STATE THAT THE COCA COLA CLOWNS HAVE CONTRACTED YOU UNTIL AT LEAST NOVEMBER 15 AND THAT THIS DEADLINE NONSENSE HAS BEEN DONE AWAY WITH AS MORE THAN LIKELY THIS DEAL WILL TAKE ADDITIONAL TIME DUE TO THE COMPLETE LACK OF A BRAIN BEING EXHIBITED BY YOUR CRONY NERO OVER AT SKYNET_THAT LUNKHEAD NEEDS A GOOD KICK IN THE HEAD I CAN TELL YOU_IT MAY LOOSEN UP WHATEVER RESIDUE OF A BRAIN HE HAS LEFT IN HIS HOLLOW SKULL AND PERHAPS JUMPSTART HIS THINKING PROCESS_IN ANY CASE I EXPECT A REPLY FROM YOU BY FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING ON THIS IF NOT SOONER AND FOR GODS SAKE MAN TURN THE SPELL CHECK FUNCTION BACK ON AS YOUR WRITING SKILL HAS ONCE AGAIN GONE THE WAY OF A FAT TURD BEING FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET_NOW HOP TO IT MAN AND TRY TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE JOB INSTEAD OF YOUR SECRETARY'S PAUNCHY THIGHS DO YOU HEAR

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



And then lets Nero have it as well:

ILYA KURYAKIN

NERO

WELL YOU COCKLEHEADED CLOWN I CAN SEE YOU'VE MANAGED TO ROYALLY FOUL UP WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SIMPLE PROCEEDING WITH YOUR RELUCTANCE TO FULFILL A SIMPLE REQUEST FOR VERIFICATION_NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT EMPTY SKULLED MORON LAWSON FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG TO GET HIM TO START THINGS UP AGAIN_HE NEVER MENTIONED A DEADLINE AND I'VE TOLD HIM THAT THERE WILL BE LEGAL TROUBLE IF HE TRIES TO USE THAT AS AN OUT IN THIS PROCESS_THOSE KIND OF SNOT NOSED SO CALLED BUSINESS TACTICS DON'T WASH WITH ME I CAN TELL YOU SO YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY ANYTHING OF THE SAME ILK DO YOU HEAR? IN REGARDS TO THE ID CARDS YOU SENT THEY'RE ALL WELL AND GOOD BUT I NEED AT LEAST SOMETHING THAT TELLS ME THAT SKYNET CAN GET THE JOB DONE_IF NOT A BUSINESS LICENSE THEN HOW ABOUT SOME FORM OF SMALL DELIVERY OR AT THE VERY LEAST YOU COULD SHOW ME THAT WESTERN UNION CAN GET THE JOB DONE_WHY DON'T YOU SEND ME SOMETHING FIRST TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF MORE THAN JUST TRYING TO SOUND OFFICIAL_EITHER A SMALL PARCEL OR JUST SEND A FIVER THROUGH WESTERN UNION TO SHOW THAT YOU ARE ON THE LEVEL AND NOT SOME BOOZE SOAKED EX-PILOT WITH A PART TIME HOOKER AS A "HANDLY OFFICER"_

AND SPEAKING OF MS. FISHER PLEASE TELL HER THAT MODELLING FOR YOUNGLINE WOULD ONLY INVOLVE TASTEFUL PHOTOS OF ARTISTIC BEAUTY_MODELLING IN A SWIMSUIT IS THE NORM HOWEVER SO IF POSSIBLE COULD YOU HAVE HER EMAIL SOME PHOTOS OF HERSELF IN A BIKINI_SHE WOULD NOT NEED TO SHOW HER FACE IN THESE PHOTOS YOU SEND ONLY A BODY SHOT IS NECCESSARY_FURTHER WOULD YOU TELL HER THAT IF THE PHOTOS YOU SEND ARE TO OUR LIKING WE WOULD SEND A 500 DOLLAR GOOD FAITH BONUS JUST FOR ALLOWING US TO EXAMINE THE PHOTOS OF HER BIKINI CLAD FORM_ONCE AGAIN ALL WOULD BE IN GOOD TASTE HOWEVER IF MS. FISHER WANTED TO SEND US ANYTHING MORE RISQUE WE WOULD NOT TURN OUR NOSE UP AND WOULD BE MOST APPRECIATIVE IN A FINANCIAL RESPECT IF YOU GET MY MEANING_

IN THE MEANTIME NERO I EXPECT YOU TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER THAT BUMBLING LAMEBRAIN LAWSON'S NO DOUBT OVERSIZED BUTTOCKS SO THAT YOU AND I CAN GET THIS DEAL FINISHED_AND FOR GODS SAKE MAN USE THE GRAMMAR CHECK ON YOUR COMPUTER AS YOU'RE NOW REPEATING WORDS AND IT MAKES YOU COME OFF LIKE A HELMET WEARING SOFT SKULLED STUTTERING RETARD WHO RIDES THE SHORT BUS INTO WORK_NOW WRITE ME BACK WITH MS. FISHER'S REPLY AND INCLUDE SOME PHOTOS AND TELL ME THAT YOU'VE GOTTEN YOUR CRONY LAWSON TO UNPAUSE THESE PROCEEDINGS OR BY GOD THERE WILL BE GRAVE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOU AND YOUR FLEET OF RUN DOWN BIPLANES_HOP TO IT MAN HOP TO IT

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



Amazingly enough, Nero rolls over:

FRANK NERO

SATISFACTION AND TRUST

REG ORDER NO: S657252,

ATTENTION: Illya Kuryakin,

Be informed that i that i received an email from Mr. Lawson this morning informing me that there has been an extension for all winners to proceed with their claims. So i wish to inform you that if you are still ready in proceeding with the delivery of your winnings, you are advised to send the your payment for the handling and delivery charges to Mrs. Lisa Fisher so that we can commence delivery of your parcel immediately.

Furthermore, i want to let you know that if you intent to have any deal with Lisa Fisher i can to to you her personal private email, due to the fact that this is a official email and i cannot send any of her pics from this email address.

Await your response in no distance time.

Thanks,
Sincerely,
Frank Nero



And Kuryakin (for a change) is happy:

ILYA KURYAKIN

NERO
v EXCELLENT!! FORWARD ME MS. FISHER'S EMAIL ADDRESS AT ONCE_YOUNGLINE IS COMING UP WITH A "FRESH FACE FALL FEATURETTE" IN THE NEXT ISSUE AND WE THINK MS. FISHER WOULD BE A PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR THIS DESPITE HER ASSOCIATION WITH A THIRD RATE RAMSHACKLE COURIER COMPANY_I EXPECT HER EMAIL ADDRESS IN YOUR NEXT CORRESPONDENCE SO THAT AN EXCHANGE OF PHOTOS MAY COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY_AND DO NOT FORGET THAT A 500 DOLLAR BONUS PAYMENT IS ON THE LINE FOR SUFFICIENTLY SATISFYING PHOTOS OF MS. FISHER'S ASSETS_AND REMEMBER AS I WROTE EARLIER "SKIN IS IN" SAAVY?

AS FOR THE RECOMMENCEMENT OF OUR DEAL I MUST SAY THIS IS ALMOST BEYOND BELIEF_ALTHOUGH I KNEW THAT BONEHEADED BUFFOON LAWSON WAS FULL OF HOT AIR WITH HIS CLAIMS OF A DEADLINE I DID NOT THINK HE COULD MUSTER THE MENTAL FOCUS TO ACUALLY GET THINGS BACK IN MOTION_THAT YOU ARE READY TO DELIVER THE PARCEL IS ALL WELL AND GOOD HOWEVER I AM STILL NOT SURE I TRUST A SPIT AND BAILING WIRE OPERATION SUCH AS YOURS TO EFFECTIVELY DELIVER 500,000 POUNDS_ONCE AGAIN I SUGGEST TO YOU MAKING A SAMPLE DELIVERY TO ME TO DEMONSTRATE THAT YOU CAN GET THE JOB DONE_A SMALL AMOUNT OF SAY 5 POUNDS WOULD SUFFICE TO SHOW ME THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF AT THE VERY LEAST USING A MAP AND FINDING YOUR WAY OUT OF YOUR OWN SO CALLED OFFICE AND CAN NAVIGATE THROUGH TRAFFIC WITHOUT GETTING RUN DOWN_FURTHER I DO NOT TRUST THE USE OF WESTERN UNION IN WIRING FUNDS AS I HAVE A HISTORY WITH THOSE DRIPPY NOSED KNUCKLEHEADS AND HAVE HAD TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO THE EQUIVALENT OF WRESTLING A CROCODILE IN ORDER TO WREST FUNDS FROM THEM THAT WERE TO BE DELIVERED TO ME_IF YOU CANNOT SEE YOUR WAY TO A SAMPLE DELIVERY THEN I SUGGEST WIRING ME A 5 POUND NOTE THROUGH WESTERN UNION TO RESTORE MY CONFIDENCE IN THEM AS A THIRD PARTY IN THIS DEAL_WRITE ME BACK AND LET ME KNOW IF THIS IS WITHIN YOUR OBVIOUSLY LIMITED MENTAL CAPABILITIES AND PERHAPS WE CAN CLOSE THIS DEAL BEFORE WE BOTH HAVE TO USE WALKERS TO GET AROUND_NOW GET TO IT MAN

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



But still feels a need to take a swipe at Lawson:

ILYA KURYAKIN

LAWSON

WELL YOU BLITHERING BUMPKIN I HEARD FROM NERO THAT YOU'VE TOLD HIM TO RECOMMENCE WITH THE PROCESSING OF THESE CLAIMS_I KNEW YOU WERE NOTHING MORE THAN SOME WART PICKING OFFICE TOADY WITH GLUE FUME FUELED DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR_NOW THAT YOU'VE HAD TO TAKE YOUR PROPER PLACE ON THE BOTTOM RUNG OF THE CORPORATE HIERARCHY LADDER PERHAPS WE CAN PROCEED WITH SOME EFFICIENCY_ I DO NOT EXPECT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR PARTICULARLY DISTASTEFUL BRAND OF LUNACY MUCH FURTHER IN THIS DEAL HOWEVER IF NERO PROVES TO BE AS MUCH OF A HALF WIT AS YOU ARE YOU MAY BE ASSURED I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN TO SORT OUT THIS WHOLE PEAR SHAPED AFFAIR_NOW TRY AND SPEND A LITTLE TIME AWAY FROM THE CORNER BAR FOR A CHANGE AND KEEP SOME FOCUS ON YOUR DUTIES YOU LAMEBRAIN_AND BE PREPARED TO HEAR FROM ME AGAIN IF NERO MANAGES TO FURTHER FOUL THINGS UP_WHICH WILL MORE THAN LIKELY BE SOONER THAN LATER AS I HAVE AS MUCH HOPE IN THIS DEAL GOING SMOOTHLY FROM HERE ON IN AS I DO IN MY DOG MARRYING THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND_NOW TRY TO STAY ON TOP OF THINGS YOU NINCOMPOOP

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.



But Nero seems to be getting impatient:

FRANK NERO

SATISFACTION AND TRUST

REG ORDER NO: S657252,

ATTENTION: IIlya Kuryakin,

Goodday to you, be informed that i await you payment information for us to proceed with the delivery of your parcel as soon as possible.

Regards,
Mr. Frank Nero



Apparently, VERY impatient:

SATISFACTION AND TRUST

REG ORDER NO: S657252,

ATTENTION: Illya Kuryakin,
Be informed that we cannot just move from one uncompleted transaction to another, I can forward to you Lisa's private email address but you have to conclude you transaction with us before making another move for Lisa's email. Also, i have earlier informed you that we do expect WESTERN UNION as a mode of receiving payment. So you are advise to go and make the payment or stop sending any email to this office as i am not here to make joke with any unserious person ok? Furthermore, you are advise to stop sending mails to this office if you are not ready to make payment for the delivery of your parcel.

Thank you.
Sincerely,
Frank Nero


Which prompts Kuryakin to let him have it with both barrels:

ILYA KURYAKIN

NERO

BE INFORMED YOU GREAT GORMLESS FATHEADED SIMP THAT I DO NOT APPRECIATE YOUR ARROGANT AND SELF IMPORTANT TONE!! HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF CUSTOMER SERVICE YOU WITLESS TOERAG? DOES IT NOT SAY "SATISFACTION AND TRUST" ON YOUR OH SO IMPRESSIVE EMAIL BANNER THAT IS SENT WITH EVERY NEAR USELESS CORRESPONDENCE YOU SEND? OR CAN YOU BARELY EVEN READ LET ALONE PULL YOURSELF LONG ENOUGH OUT OF WHATEVER BOOZE INDUCED STUPOR YOU NORMALLY STAGGER AROUND IN TO MAKE EVEN THE SMALLEST EFFORT AT ATTENDING TO A CUSTOMER'S NEEDS?!?!? MY MONEY'S ON THE LATTER YOU GREAT TIT_NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU SIMPERING SCUM SUCKING PIECE OF HORSE EXCREMENT NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE UP TO THIS POINT HAS PROVIDED EITHER SATISFACTION OR TRUST YOU GREAT BUMBLING BUTTHEAD_SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE THE ABILITY OF USING ONLY ONE BRAIN CELL AT A TIME I'M GOING TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU IN TERMS I'M SURE A WORTHLESS HALITOSIC HALFWIT RETARD LIKE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND:

WHERE YOU GOT THE IDEA THAT ANY BUSINESS I HAVE WITH MS. FISHER IS IN ANY WAY SEQUENTIAL TO ANY SHIPPING BUSINESS YOU HAVE WITH ME IS ONE OF THE GREAT MYSTERIES OF OUR TIME AND MUST HAVE SURELY COME FROM SOME FORM OF SYPHILLITIC DEMENTIA ON YOUR PART OR A HEALTHY DOSE OF STERNO CONSUMED FOR BREAKFAST_HERE'S AN IDEA YOU IMPOTENT BALLSUCKING BUNGHOLE: GIVE MS. FISHER MY EMAIL ADDRESS AND SHE AND I CAN CORRESPOND INDEPENDENT OF YOUR MUPPET HEADED MEDDLING_OR IS SHE SOME KIND OF SHACKLE BOUND SLAVE THAT YOU TREAT NO BETTER THAN A MANGY DOG? KNOWING YOU IT'S PROBABLY THE LATTER_REGARDLESS GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK BONED SLOPE BROWED HEAD THAT YOU DO NOT OWN HER YOU DISGUSTING DILLWEED AND THAT IF SHE IS INTERESTED WELL THEN SINCE THERE ARE SOME HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT IN PLACE IN BRITAIN THEN SHE IS PERFECTLY FREE TO DEAL WITH ME YOU MUDDLEHEADED MISCREANT_SO GIVE HER MY EMAIL AND SHE AND I CAN PROCEED

NOW AS TO OUR BUSINESS: IF YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY YOU LAMEBRAIN FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO LEARN TO USE YOUR OWN GODFORSAKEN LANGUAGE PROPERLY_HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TELL YOU TO DO THIS? ARE YOU COMPLETELY BOUND UP IN SOME MORONIC STATE OF BLINDNESS? YOU SOUND LIKE A COMPLETE AND UTTER GIMP WHO DROPPED OUT OF GRADE SCHOOL LET ALONE ONE WHO IS ALLEGEDLY RUNNING ANY KIND OF LEGITIMATE BUSINESS_FOR GODS SAKE MAN HOW HARD IS IT TO PROOF READ YOUR EMAILS? OBVIOUSLY FOR YOU ITS AKIN TO TYING YOUR OWN SHOELACES WHICH I'M SURE IS SOMETHING AN ADDLE-BRAINED MONGOLOID LIKE YOU IS TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF_HOWEVER I WILL ONCE AGAIN OVERLOOK THIS LACKBRAINED LUNACY ON YOUR PART AND WILL ADDRESS THE WESTERN UNION ISSUE_SINCE YOU SEEM TO HAVE A NEAR AUTISTICALLY DERIVED OBSESSION WITH USING THEM I HAVE GONE AHEAD AND CONTACTED THEM AND GIVEN THEM YOUR INFORMATION_IN FACT I HAVE SENT YOU TWICE THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU REQUIRE FOR SHIPPING IN THE FAINT HOPES THAT YOU WILL GET ME MY 500,000 POUNDS IN GOOD TIME_HOWEVER I WILL NOT BE GIVING YOU THE MTCN NUMBER OR THE QUESTION AND ANSWER NECCESSARY TO GET THE MONEY UNTIL YOU PROVE THAT YOUR BUSINESS CAN BE TRUSTED WITH THE DELIVERY OF 500,000 POUNDS TO ME_CAN YOU GRASP JUST HOW MUCH MONEY THAT IS YOU DUNCE? I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GET OFF THINKING I'M NOT SERIOUS ABOUT THIS DEAL YOU MINCE HEADED GIT_I AM THE ONE WHO HAS 500,000 ON THE LINE HERE NOT YOU_YOU ARE HERE TO PROVIDE A SERVICE TO A CUSTOMER_CAN YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR PUS BRAINED SKULL YOU GREAT THUNDERING RETARD? WELL YOU'D BETTER TRY TO_NOW ALL I WANT FROM YOU IS SOME PROOF OF YOUR LEGITIMACY AND I WILL GIVE YOU THE MTCN NUMBER AND THE QUESTION AND ANSWER_IF YOU WILL NOT PROVIDE ME WITH PROOF OF YOUR LEGITIMACY VIA A BUSINESS LICENSE THAN I SUGGEST YOU SEND ME A 5 POUND NOTE OR 5 EUROS OR WHATEVER RIDICULOUS CURRENCY YOU USE SO THAT I KNOW I'M NOT DEALING WITH SOME LOW RENT BAGGY PANTS LAYABOUTS WHO SPEND THEIR DAYS EXCAVATING THE DEEPEST RECESSES OF THEIR OWN BUTTCRACKS HOPING TO FIND ENOUGH LINT TO FASHION A NEW PAIR OF UNDERPANTS_ONE MORE TIME, HERE'S HOW IT WORKS YOU DUMBKOPF:

YOU SEND ME 5 POUNDS VIA WESTERN UNION IN AN ONLINE MONEY TRANSFER TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS OR YOU PROVIDE ME WITH A BUSINESS LICENSE TO PROVE YOUR LEGITIMACY_WHEN THAT HAPPENS YOU TOAD I WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH THE MTCN NUMBER AND YOU CAN COLLECT TWICE THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU NEED FOR SHIPPING AND THEN CAN SEND ME MY 500,000 POUNDS_CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT MAN? I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE THAT YOU CAN OR THIS WHOLE DEAL WILL BE OFF QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY JIMMY CRACK CORNHOLE_NOW TRY AND KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THE BOOZE BOTTLE FOR AT LEAST TWO MINUTES AND MAYBE WE CAN GET THINGS ROLLING HERE_AND REMEMBER MS. FISHER'S BUSINESS AND MINE IS OUR OWN BUT YOU'D BETTER GIVER HER MY EMAIL ADDRESS SO WE CAN COMMUNICATE OR GOD HELP YOU YOU CHUCKLEHEAD_NOW GET TO IT MAN AT ONCE DO YOU HEAR AT ONCE

I. KURYAKIN, CEO
Youngline Publishing, Ltd.


And that seems to be that! Keep fightin' the good fight!


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