I ASK THAT WE SHOULD BURY THE HATCHET

From the archives of Mal Reynolds!

Not a bad idea - the only question is; in whose head?

There are many scammers who pretend to be from the FBI - this is one of them.

The Scammers
, (aka Joseph Billy Persichini), "Assistant Director in Charge, Anti-Terrorist and Monitary Crimes Division, FBI"
[The REAL Joseph Persichini (who this Lad ISN'T) was formerly assistant director of the FBI field office in Washington DC.
BARRISTER WILLIAMS, mentioned only in passing
BARRISTER MIKE UCHENNA, inept lawyer
BARRISTER VERNON LEYTON, another inept lawyer
ALAN SMITH, hapless banker Lad from another scam
BARRISTER HENRY GONZALES, third inept lawyer Lad

The Baiter
Malcolm Reynolds, retired US Marine living in Australia, previously featured in many adventures such as THE PRICE OF JUSTICE, WE AIM TO MISBEHAVE, YOU ARE A GREAT PILOT and A BLESSING IN DISGUISE.

And so with the theme from that series with Efrem Zimbalist Jnr blaring out, we meet the kind of FBI agent that should have J. Edgar Hoover spinning in his grave...


07 May

Assistant Director in Charge Joseph Persichini, Jr Anti-Terrorist and Monitary Crimes Division. http://www.fbi.gov Date;7/5/

Attn;Malcolm Reynolds ,
Fellowing the petition recieved from Barrister Williams from London,Over diverssion of funds we are contacting you based on the information and documents tendered to us. We have done our verification on our FBI Identification Record with our Social Security codes,i would like to hear from you for justification as we will resolve this matter as soon as we recieve your reply starting your own side of the matter.
Be informed that the FBI will not fail to arrest you if we did not hear from you withine 48hrs since we have all your data as tendered by the complainant.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Joseph Billy Persichini

Up until now I've only received FBI emails signed Robert Mueller III. What will this one do?

[More examples of Lads pretending to be FBI agents appear in JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM.]

Malcolm Reynolds

Mr Persichini,
I have a right to know exactly what Barrister Williams said about me and exactly what's in his "complaint".
I don't think some Limey barrister should be allowed to diss me without right of reply!
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Long-winded and barely literate - FBI standards must have dropped lately...
Note the bungled version of the Lad lawyer email address.
This modality believes in getting the ground work laid early with its references to ANTI-DRUG CERTIFICATE and ANTI-TERRORISM CERTIFICATE

08 May

Assistant Director in Charge Joseph Persichini, Jr
Anti-Terrorist and Monitary Crimes Division.
http://www.fbi.gov
Date;8/5/

Attn;Malcolm Reynolds,
After our investigation, We were able to establish the fact behind the entire transaction. It is obvious that the amount as mentioned was due for transfer into you. We were also able to discover that those people who were parading themselves as the genuine people are all impsotors. In view of this, you are advice to stop any further transaction or conversation with them we have record of every mail and conversation earlier held between you and the impostors. Your inheritance which you are legally entitiled to could not be transfer to you because you fail to provide both ANTI-DRUG CERTIFICATE and ANTI-TERRORIST CERTIFICATE. Without this two documents, it will be difficult if not near impossible to transfer such amount of money. The attorney that actually reported the case is atually BARRISTER PIUS NWAIGWE and not Barrister williams.Now that we have step into this, you should not bother about all this as all you should do is stated therein. These measure came into existence after the terrorist attack in USA. The implication of this is that failure to provide this will not only attract arrest, you also risk being jailed for 15years without option of fine. Your immediate assignment now is to procure those documents and forward it to us so that your fund will be given a clean bill of health. the accredited attorney in London will assist you in this regards. His name is Barrister Mike Uchenna Below is his full information.
Barrister Mike Uchenna Chambers Solicitor & AdvocatorLondon Law Firm
E-Mail: attorney_mike200@yahoo.co.ukTel/Fax:+447-024-017-427
He will give you all the legal assistance and also assist you in procuring the two mentioned documents.Having considered what you have gone through in the hands of those impostors, we have equally taken it upon ourselves to monitor this transaction untill its logical conclusion. In view of this as soon as you present those dopcuments, we will ensure that this fund is delivered to you through diplomatic approved delivery agent to your country. We have every information about you during the cource of our investigation. The amount due for transfer is also known to us. Also, every other person you have contact with is known to us. But you have nothing to worry as we are only interested that you do not break the law. As long as you comply you will have no problem but if otherwise, you may have attracted the full force of the law to yourself. Respond immediately while i equally expect that you should have by then contacted the Barrister as adviced.
Joseph Billy Persichini
Chief Security officer (FBI)
Malcolm Reynolds

Mr Persichini,
I'm not used to being threatened by anyone - so I'd like it if you didn't brandish the gorram Patriot Act over my head. I'll contact this Barrister Uchenna, and in the meantime I'd really like to know how this Pius Nwaigwe got involved.
Malcolm Reynolds

Malcolm Reynolds

I send the Lad lawyer message with the bad email address.

Attn: Mr Mike Uchenna
Joseph Billy Persichini of the FBI directed me to contact you. I assume you know why.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

A quick error message later...

The original message was received at Thu, 8 May

22:57:35 +1000 from mail02.syd.optusnet.com.au [211.29.132.183]
----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<<attorney_mike200@yahoo.co.ukTel> (reason: 550 Host unknown)

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Persichini,
The email address you gave me for Barrister Mike Uchenna is not working.

The original message was received at Thu, 8 May

22:57:35 +1000 from mail02.syd.optusnet.com.au [211.29.132.183]
----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<<attorney_mike200@yahoo.co.ukTel> (reason: 550 Host unknown)

I'm not impressed!
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Mike Uchenna

But he writes to me instead - pity! And straight onto the money as well...

09 May

Barrister Mike Uchenna Chambers
Solicitor & Advocator
London Law Firm
E-Mail: attorney_mike200@yahoo.co.uk
Tel/Fax:+44 785260092
RE:DRUG /ANTI-TERRORIST CERTIFICATE
Attn To:Malcolm Reynolds,
My name is barrister mike Uchenna from the above mentioned chambers. I was instructed by FBI director Mr. Joseph Persichini to contact you regarding the procurement of documents required in regards to fund transfer to you.
I hereby officialy inform you that it is our legal responsibility to apply and secure the release of those certificate once you meet all the necessary requirements attached to it In view of this, you are expected to pay for the official charges of this documents which will be secure from INTERNATIONAL DRUG MONITORING UNIT a department in the METROPOLITAN POLICE here in London.Those documents are Anti-terrorist and Anti-drug Certificate. The two essential certificates will cost you 2,550 POUNDS. A break down about it is as follows.
ANTI-TERRORIST CERTIFICATE: 1,400 POUNDS
ANTI-DRUG CERTIFICATE:1,150 POUNDS.
With the above mentioned documents secured, your fund will be given clean bill of health that when is it transfered, you will not have any question to ask about the source of the fund. You can send the charges to me through wetern union money transfer for quick withdrawal through my personal secretary ms. Sussan Maxwell.
Below is the data you will use in sending the money.
NAME: SUSSAN MAXWELL
ADDRESS: LONDON UK
AMOUNT: 2,550 POUNDS
MTCN:.....................
I await your urgent reply. We assure you of our effective service from our chambers.
Sincerely Yours
Barrister Mike Uchenna(ESQ)
Solicitor & Advocator London Law Firm
09 May

Assistant Director in Charge Joseph Persichini, Jr
Anti-Terrorist and Monitary Crimes Division.
Attn;Malcolm Reynolds, Your complian have been noted. I have also personal asked Barrister Mike to contact. Though this is not the official procedure but in view of the sensitive nature of this, we have decided to make this kind gesture to you which i want to believe that you will appreciate. The rest of the process shall be handled by Barr. Mike.
All i can advice you is to comply and get those documents for presentation to you not later than seven working days. We are given you this grace because of your full compliance and innocent over this which you have expressed.
However, we will not hesitate to carry out full implementation of the law if at the expiration of the time given you failed to comply.
With regards to the comment you made. May i inform you that we are not threatening you what we simply brought to your notice is petition written against you by the mentioned attorney. It is not our duty to disclose every information about the said informant. We accord every information we receive with utmost confidentiality. However, our interest is all about the transfer of huge amount of money we discovered was an inheritance but does not carry the necessary documents. that is where out intervention comes in and as soon as that certificate is made available we shall issue the clean bill of health certificate.
Endeavor to keep me informed once you hear from him. I am sure that by now, he must have contacted you. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Joseph Billy Persichini

First - hasn't "Barr Mike" forgotten something?

Malcolm Reynolds

First - hasn't "Barr Mike" forgotten something?

Mr Uchenna,
I think you've forgotten something - there's no sign of an invoice for the fees you're charging.
Send them ASAP.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

And I think "Agent Persichini's" smugness merits a slap.

Mr Persichini,
The hell you haven't threatened me! Remember "the FBI will not fail to arrest you if we did not hear from you withine 48hrs"? That's a threat, and I'm not going to let you pretend otherwise.
Let me tell you something. I served my country in Operation Desert Saber and had my weapons officer blinded by AAA.
While time-servers like you were totally failing to prevent the WTC bombings in 1993, I was doing my duty in Somalia and took a bullet in the leg protecting relief supplies.
I served in Iraq and was gorram near killed by an IED. I'm still carrying the scars of that - but when I found the White House had deceived us into going into Iraq, why that's when I left America for Australia. I'm never going to give up my citizenship, but I'm not coming back any time soon.
I served for 18 years, with three Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star, but at times I think we handed over the country to pimps and scroungers and blowhards.
I hope you're none of those, Mr Persichini.
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Mike Uchenna

I don't think any bookie would have taken bets on this Lad doing anything other than promising an invoice after payment.

10 May

RE:DRUG /ANTI-TERRORIST CERTIFICATE
Attn To:Malcolm Reynolds,
The invoice for the payment shall come from the receiving departmnent once payment is made. Like i told you, I will personally ensure that those documents are secured within shortest period of time.
Once again, I hope for your positive response.
Sincerely Yours
Barrister Mike Uchenna(ESQ)
Solicitor & Advocator London Law Firm
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Uchenna,
That's not going to happen, buddy.
It's invoice, then payment.
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Mike Uchenna
11 May

RE:DRUG /ANTI-TERRORIST CERTIFICATE Attn To: Malcolm Reynolds, Be informed that i never asked you for job. you requested for certain services which i have told you what it takes to procure. I have equally told you the procedure. I am very comfortable man and will not be interested in you for any reason if not for the mail I got from FBI
The choice is yours all i will do is report back to FBI and wash my hand off the entire transaction. It is beyond my immagination that invoice will be issued before payment is made. Probably, that is the way things are done in your country, Here either receipt or invoice can only be issued when transaction takes place. I want to believe that you are inteligent enough to know the procedure which is obtained all over the world. I can only ask you to mail and make your position known before I report back to FBI.
Regards.
Barrister Mike Uchenna(ESQ)
Solicitor & Advocator London Law Firm
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Uchenna,
I never wanted you to take this job but the gorram FBI insisted. They told me to tell you to get me certain bits of paperwork. I don't care a hairy rat's ass for your comfort - what I care about is that you do your gorram job!
So listen again, you smug little lard-ass - I've done business with lawyers in four countries (Argentina, Australia, Mexico and the USA) and in every single nation, the accepted sequence of events is INVOICE - PAYMENT - RECEIPT - not just in my home country. I have no idea how you could think that an invoice and a receipt are one and the same.
I want to believe that the FBI would choose a lawyer with brains, who kept up with world's best practise, but it looks like they chose you instead.
Go tell the Feds I demanded an invoice - and tell me when they stop laughing at you.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Uchenna,
With respect - you were bullshitting me. You said, "I want to believe that you are inteligent enough to know the procedure which is obtained all over the world" - and now it's "the simple rule as applied in the agency where the certificate would be obtained". Well, I'm not paying the agency (the Metropolitan Police); I'm paying you. So what their rules are doesn't matter, does it? So send me an invoice ASAP if you expect this job.
If you don't, the FBI can find another lawyer.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Persichini,
Mike Uchenna is an idiot, and you may have to provide me with another lawyer soon.
Did you choose him? I sure hope it wasn't you, buddy!
Malcolm Reynolds
12 May

Attn;Malcolm Reynolds,
I got your mail regarding the attitude of barrister Mike Uchennna. However, I have spoken with him about the misunderstanding. this should not have been a problem as i understand that what you are asking from him is not out of place in international transaction. Be that as it may, I have officialy relieved him of the responsibility and therefor assigned that to an attorney who will accomplish this without much trouble. His name is Barrister Vernon Leyton. He is a senior advocte and a specialist in related matter. Do not bother to mal him as we have asked him to mail or call you immediately. Let me know as soon as you hear from him. Based on this new developement, we have extended the date given to you so that you will have enough time to carry out this.
Regards,
Joseph Billy Persichini
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Persichini,
Far be from me to tell you your job, but I'd suggest that you refine your selection criteria.
Barrister Mike Uchenna sounds like a rank beginner! Was he really the best you could find?
I'll wait for word from Mr Leyton.
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Vernon Leyton

Up stumps a new target... The formatting and font is I received it.

13 May

FROM:BARRISTER LEYTON CHAMBERS
Tel/Fax:+44 7024017427
barrverno_letonlaw@yahoo.co.uk
Attn: Reynolds Malcolm, This is a directive from FBI requesting that i should contact you in respect of the clearance certificate which is both anti drug and anti terrorist.
the process of procurement shall be put in motion when you acknowledge this mail.
waiting for your reply.
Yours sincerely.
Barr. Vernon Leyton
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Leyton,
FYI it's Malcolm Reynolds. But no matter - let's get this show on the road. I hope you'll prove that Mr Persichini got it right this time.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Vernon Leyton
14 May

Attn: Malcolm Reynolds,
I have already concluded my meeting with international drug monitoring unit regarding the issuance of clean bill of health certificate which comprises of both the anti-drug as well as anti terrorist certificate. By this, our application has been officially received by the above mentioned agency. They will get back to me later in the day or latest tomorrow to inform us if we have passed the verification. Hopefully, you will scale through. There after, we will then find out the final cost of those two documents, I will keep you updated as event unfold.
Barr. Leyton
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Leyton,
There's no reason why I shouldn't pass the verification as I'm clean.
And remember that the sooner you supply the documentation, the sooner you'll get paid.
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH

What have we here but another Lad, with bad timing; more grist for the mill!

15 May

From the Desk of Alan Smith
Foreign Operations Department Capital Bank PLC .
Capital House
City Road, Chester
Cheshire CH99 3AN
United Kingdom
Tel: +44-703-180-1057
Fax: +44-703-184-7786
Attention: Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT OF ACCRUED INTEREST ON INHERITANCE/CONTRACT FUND ON WIRE VALUED AT USD $ 4,800,000.00 ONLY VIA ELECTRONIC WIRE TRANSFER.
To enable the completion of your out going transfer of fund to your Bank account , You need to procure your fund Insurance code.
This Insurance Policy cover is in line with United Kingdom National Insurance policy is given at a minimum ratio requirement as calculated Sum of One Thousand Two Hundred Great British Pounds (1,200.00 GB Pounds).This is in line with the United Kingdom National Inurance policy in accordance with the UK LAW. We want you to pay USD1,000.00 IMMEDIATEL
This requirement will enable your out going transfer to your account designate, without any form of stop order or questioning on issue of fund origing, Beneficiary occupation and other personal details, with the Cover subject to policy terms and conditions. Full policy details are available on request. Written complaints procedure available on request.
We exchange information with insurers through various databases to help us check information provided and also to prevent fraud.
Capital Bank may store information you give and it may be shared with our representatives on request, so that we can give you a quote and maintain your policy. Your Details will be recorded for security purposes.
our insurance is administered by AIB Limited who act as an independent intermediary for our selected base of UK insurers. which are Authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority.
The parties to this contract of insurance are permitted to choose the law applicable to the contract. This policy is governed by English Law.
This payment should be made through Western Union or Money Gram to the below Information:
Receivers name: Marina xxxxxx
[sanitized in case the receiver is another gullible victim unknowingly involved in money laundering]
London United Kingdom
Amount:USD1,000.00
Upon compliance we shall not hesitate to transfer your fund to your account designate within 48 hours. You must comply with the stipulated constitutional / statutory guidelines on foreign projects of this nature to enhance the swift conclusion for the Transfer execution of US$4.8Million into your nominated bank account , Your Telex Slip is ready but, the Money can only move after you get the Insurance cover. Finally, Should you have any Question (S) Please do not hesitate to contact us Immediately. We Expect your Swift Co-operation.
Yours Sincerely,
For: Capital Bank PLC.,
Mr. Alan Smith
Foreign Operation Department.
DL:+447842410505
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
This is going to have to wait until the Anti-Terrorism and Anti-Drug Certificates have been obtained. Thanks for your attention, but the FBI was quite clear on that point.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Vernon Leyton
16 May

Attn: Malcolm Reynolds
I have just concluded the process this morning. The verification exercise went well and the relevant department to that effect issued a certificate on that. I have equally obtained a proforma invoice that precedes the issuance of the final two certificates.
I therefor attached the two for your perusal
By this, I have logically and legally secured the much-expected clearance, which has paved way for procurement of both the anti-terrorist certificate as well as the anti-drug certificate as soon as the final payment is made as indicated in the invoice.
You should send the required amount to me to enable me conclude this. You can send the required amount (2,550GBP) through western union. With my name. Vernon Leyton
I wait for your positive response.
Barr. Leyton


Now here is a genuine puzzle. The address on the certificate is that of Eliza Dane/Cammy White, my other main baiter persona. I don't know how they came to give it to Malcolm, unless they got it with my email address. Whatever the truth, they'll both get slapped.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Leyton,
The hell it went well! That certificate isn't worth a cup of warm spit. Care to know why?
First off, you spelled my name wrong.
Secondly, that's not my address! I've NEVER lived there.
Mr Persichini,
My respect for the Bureau just took a nosedive. The only place that address could have come from was from you - so what the Sam Frick are you doing getting things so wrong?
I'm also getting messages from Capital Bank. You shouldn't have given them any hint that clearance was imminent. I've told them to wait - now I have to tell them to wait again.
Man, you both screwed the pooch big time on this one!
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Vernon Leyton
16 May

Attn: Reynolds
This is an issue we can resolve without informing the FBI. You should have atleast send your complain directly to me. I accept every responsiblity on this. You should kindly re-confirm your residential address to me.
Meanwhile, tell the bank to exercise little patience. I am assuring you that within two days, i will be able to correct this errors. I will have to bear every additional penalty from the international monitoring unit. for this.Do that immediately.
Barr. Leyton
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Leyton,
It's MR Reynolds to you, and don't you gorram well forget it!
I got the FBI on this one because they gave you bad info - so they make it go right. About time they did something right with taxpayers' money!
Mr Persichini, are you there? Tell this poor sap my address, will you? You owe him that!
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Vernon Leyton
17 May

Attn: Relnolds,
Now that FBI is yet to get in touch because i called them but the officer who should address that was not around, it became important that i get back to you. I would have gone on official work else were but I have to hang around because i know that you will reply.
I suggest that you send that to me. I assure that i will complete this immediately. I have even gotten in touch with the office and inform them about the problem. They assured me that it could be rectified when i come over. It is not up to 15 minutes drive from my office.
We should not wait for FBI. Send those information so that I can conclude this to enable the bank commence the process of paying you. I totally committed to this. We should not wait forever. That is for your good, especially now that the bank is waiting to receive that document. Consider this and reply because I will still be waiting.
Leyton
Malcolm Reynolds
Listen up: it's Mr Reynolds! MR REYNOLDS! What does it take to get you to make it go right? You'll get the info when you address me properly. It's late here and I should be asleep!
Barrister Vernon Leyton
17 May

Attn: Mr Reynold,
If there is any way i may have offended you, I ask that we should bury the hatchet. All i am doing is simply to ensure that there will not be more delay before your fund is transfered to you.
You may not even have to ask the bank to wait longer if we conlude this. I really will like to have you as a friend at the end of the day. I admire your sense of understanding and strick compliance which is the hall mark of a gentle man.
The most important thing is my intrention to see the early completion of this. That to me is not in question. I respect the need for you to have your sleep.but i have the confidence that at the end of the day, we will all have reason to be happy and probably share other thing in common. Once again accept my apology for not addressing you propally.
Leyton
ALAN SMITH
17 May

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT OF ACCRUED INTEREST ON INHERITANCE/CONTRACT FUND ON WIRE VALUED AT USD $ 4,800,000.00 ONLY, VIA ELECTRONIC WIRE TRANSFER.
We only requested for the sum of One Thousand United State Dollars for the required clearance in compliance to the United Nations Home Land Security Policy, This will total clear your fund from any kind of questioning from your Government and we shall secure on your behalf United Nations Approval numbers in compliance to the European Union Money laundaring policy.
The Insurance will issue a latter of Guarantee to the International body, stating the Money is cleared and Insured
Finally, Should you have any Question (S) Please do not hesitate to contact us Immediately. We Expect your Swift Co-operation. Yours Sincerely,
For: Capital Bank PLC.,
Mr. Alan Smith
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Leyton,
I've given up trying to make you get my name right. Maybe it's just some little game you play. Whatever it is, I don't really care.
As it stands, the bank is now saying that it will supply the documentation. I'm going to have to sort this out. Personally I think the FBI has more clout, but the bank is in England, so it's got a home ground advantage. I'll have to get back to you.
And if you wonder at my passion for accuracy - until four years ago it was part of my everyday life. I spent eighteen years in the United States Marine Corps, and getting something wrong just wasn't an option. Precision was (and is) my goal.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
We have a conflict of departments here.
You are going to issue clearance through (I think) the UN and the EU.
However, the FBI says that the IDMU is responsible for clearance.
Please contact the FBI agent, Mr Joseph Persichini, at persichini.joseph@hotmail.com to resolve this. I don't want a turf war over me, so please get it sorted out ASAP.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH

For some reason, this Lad seems to be a bit impatient.

17 May

Dear sir,
We shall obtain it from the approved agencies and the Home Security departments.
So you comply fast.
Alan Smith
17 May

Attn;Malcolm Reynolds,
First of all, I was not around for couple of days, secondly your language lacks respect. Even if there is a mistake some where. That should not be an avenue for uncomplimentary remark. The young lawyer is working with information available to him. He probably must have written the address of one of his client into your verification certificate. Be that as it may, I have already contacted when i came back and saw your mail. He did not know that the verification certificate was not in the first place meant for you but for the issuance department of the international money transfer. Based on this the address is not even needed. That would be required by the transferring bank when both ANTI-DRUG &ANTI-TERROTIST CERTIFICATE are issued. I have already instructed him to go back and correct the avoidable errors as have noticed. Having said that, You should not because of this get unnecessary angry. We can have already made adequate plan through him to get that rectified. I am getting worried about the name of the bank you are mentioning. Your payment will be made from ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND not Capital Bank. Beware of who you are dealing with as you may fall into the hand of fraudsters. And that will lead you into another problem. Once again, your payment can only come from ROYAL BANK any other person or group of people claiming to be from the bank is not the right person. Ensure that you get back to the lawyer.
Regards,
Joseph Billy Persichini
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
You do not give me orders! Are we clear on this?
The FBI hasn't replied yet so I suggest you find some other work to do in the meantime.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Persichini,
You don't get respect given to you - it's something that you earn; and so far you've been skating on gorram thin ice.
You sent me to an incompetent and arrogant lawyer, and then directed me to another who can't produce a simple document without making a serious blunder.
That last bit is where you and I can't see eye to eye. To you, it's a minor glitch. Holy snapping duckshit, that certificate is an official form that'll go on record, which doesn't even put me in the right city! And you blithely tell me it was the name of another client - for the love of Pete, how many people in Australia is that guy working for?
That guy Smith is still writing to me.
I gave him your address. Maybe you should drop him a line - or better still call him on +44-703-180-1057 and sort things out.
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH
18 May

Dear sir, We have not given you any order but we asked you to comply as directed by our affilliate. Regards, Alan Smith
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
You didn't give me any order, huh? "So you comply fast" sounds like an order to me. Giving orders was my job not so long ago, so I should know one when I see one!
The FBI told me that the Anti-Terrorist and Anti-Drug certificates were all that I needed to conclude the transaction and see the money transferred. What exactly are you going to get that isn't covered by the FBI's paperwork?
Malcolm Reynolds
19 May

Attn;Malcolm Reynolds, I have told you that you should not bother so much. That the certificate could be without the address. I have your address but since you insisted on that. I have already forwarded it to Barrister Leyton. This is to fulfill all requirements. After this mail and the correction, which I am sure, Barrister Leyton is going to carry out. You still fail that provides the two documents; we will surely carry out the arrest. Do not take our leniency as a sign of weakness. I have allowed you all this time and i can assure you, it will not continue like that.
Once we confirmed that you have receive the new verification certificate, you have no reason not to produce the anti drug and anti-terrorist certificate. this is your address:S-26C Taman Kampar, 31900 Kampar,Perak, West Malaysia. We can arrest you if this is not complying to. This is not a threat. You are now given some more days. You risk been jailed for maximum of 15years without option of fine.
We have our network everywhere and apprehending you will not pose many challenges to us. All the same we hope that thing shall be completed to avoid that embarrassment.
Joseph Billy Persichini
Chief Security officer (FBI)

I stated that I was living in Australia, so why the address in Malaysia?

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Persichini,
You've lost it completely.
I don't live in Malaysia; I've never lived in Malaysia.
I've lived in Australia since September 2004 and before that I had no permanent address - I went where my USMC service took me.
My current address is xxxxxxx Stuart Drive, Alice Springs, Northern Territory, Australia. The State Department will confirm this and so will Veterans Affairs.
If you want to threaten a decorated veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom, then go right ahead. I'm sure that the FBI will welcome the chance to look like a pack of clowns and boneheads - not that there's anything new about that.
Tell Leyton to prepare the documents. I've got nothing to fear from you or anyone in the Bureau as I haven't broken the law at any time.
I've shed my blood for my country and I'm proud of its institutions. What have you done for America and its freedom?
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH
20 May

Dear sir,
Comply and we shall give you all the required ducument of claim, it will be sured in your name.
Alan Smith
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
I asked for an exact answer. That's not even close.
Now tell me what those documents are, and give me details.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Leyton,
Given that Mr Persichini has threatened me with arrest for no reason that I can discern, you might want to get a move on with the documents.
I don't want the FBI to make themselves look even more like complete nincompoops than they already do.
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH
20 May

Dear Sir,
The Document are Money Laundaring clearance certificate, Home land security clearance Certificate (anti terrorist clearance) Fund Non Inspection and clean Bill Authorisation latter.
Regards,
Alan Smith
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
The FBI told me that they were taking care of the Anti-Terrorist and Anti-Drug certificates. That's the first two out of the way - what exactly are the other two?
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH

It's a pleasure when a Lad sets himself up as a target.

21 May

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds,
In response to your email:
1). Fund Non Inspection and clean, This Gurantee the transfer and confirmation of this fund in your Bank account without, Inspection, Investigation nor questioning from the Government.
2). Authorisation latter. This is a latter from Her Majesty court with application from the Bank/Fsa this cover all Legal term and these transfer can not be put on hold/stop for it carries irrevocable latter of authorization.
We state here again, that all the file your fund was approved with has all being paid out to the veriouse beneficiaries.
We urge you to comply swiftly.
Regards,
Alan Smith
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
That is a real boondoggle.
"Fund Non Inspection and clean, This Gurantee the transfer and confirmation of this fund in your Bank account without, Inspection, Investigation nor questioning from the Government."
Excuse me if I don't scratch my head at this one! What the gorram hell is an Anti-Terrorism and Anti-Drug certificate if it ain't Inspection, Investigation and questioning from the Government?
"Authorisation latter. This is a latter from Her Majesty court with application from the Bank/Fsa this cover all Legal term and these transfer can not be put on hold/stop for it carries irrevocable latter of authorization."
So an Authorisation latter is an Authorization latter. That tells me nothing at all!
"We state here again, that all the file your fund was approved with has all being paid out to the veriouse beneficiaries."
What other beneficiaries? No-one else should be getting any of my money! I want an explanation.
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH
22 May

Dear Sir,
Yes the money laudering and anti-terrorist has its own cover, Whike 'paid out to the veriouse beneficiaries." Mean names shortlisted with your own name has all being paid after they complied.
Alan Smith
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
For the love of Pete, pay attention!
You didn't even touch on the first two issues - and now you're telling me that other people with my name have been paid.
What the gorram hell have you been sniffing to write that?
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Persichini,
You said I had a few more days.
Well, they're going by and nothing has been done, by you or Mr Leyton! Is this idleness what my taxes pay for?
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH
22 May

Dear sir,
Do you want to comply or not?
Alan Smith
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
I'll comply once you explain in coherent English what the documents are, and why I need them! So far you've tried to duplicate the FBI's work, and totally failed to spell out the details on what I'm supposed to pay for.
Now would it be too much for you to actually do as I ask?
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH

Smith shapes up for another battering.

22 May

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds,
Sequel to all my email, we have explained the need for all the requirements. Which I believe you are aware of this. Based on intelligence confirmation on global alert,
The Anti Terrorist, is important to show that this fund is not meant to Bank roll Terrorist activities in your region.
The Money Laundring is to comply to the EU and UN Geneva Convention on money laundering, becuase criminal element are using Banks and other bodies for cross border and International money circulations for proceed from Drug Trade/transaction. This clears this fund from such class. Fund Non Inspection, will will prove that your fund has all the necessary clearance and your authority will not question you on the fund origin.
Latter, of Administration is secured from Her majesty court on your behalf, sating that this is a legal fund on application from the Bank/FSA.
Thank you!
Alan Smith
We only requested for the sum of One Thousand United State Dollars for the required clearance in compliance to the United Nations Home Land Security Policy, This will total clear your fund from any kind of questioning from your Government and we shall secure on your behalf United Nations Approval numbers in compliance to the European Union Money laundaring policy.
The Insurance will issue a latter of Guarantee to the International body, stating the Money is cleared and Insured
Finally, Should you have any Question (S) Please do not hesitate to contact us Immediately. We Expect your Swift Co-operation.
Yours Sincerely,
For: Capital Bank PLC.,
Mr. Alan Smith
Foreign Operation Department
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
Let's take this one at a time.
"The Anti Terrorist" - the FBI is taking care of that, so I don't pay you.
"The Money Laundring" - again, the FBI is taking care of that.
"Fund Non Inspection" - if I've got the first two documents, I don't need this; so nothing to pay.
"Latter, of Administration" - that's about all that's left. However, the FBI's lawyer is on that, meaning you don't have a role here; so, nothing to pay.
I guess that about sums it up. It's a pity you've put yourself to all this trouble for nothing. If you have any comments or complaints, take them to Mr Persichini.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Persichini,
Mr Leyton,
It's been nearly a week. Is this what you call professionalism? Well, I call it bone-idle clock-watching laziness!
Both of you - get on with your gorram jobs!
Malcolm Reynolds

Smith is clearly of the "keep repeating until they crack" persuasion.

ALAN SMITH
28 May

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds,
Sequel to all my email, we have explained the need for all the requirements. Which I believe you are aware of this. Based on intelligence confirmation on global alert,
The Anti Terrorist, is important to show that this fund is not meant to Bank roll Terrorist activities in your region.
The Money Laundring is to comply to the EU and UN Geneva Convention on money laundering, becuase criminal element are using Banks and other bodies for cross border and International money circulations for proceed from Drug Trade/transaction. This clears this fund from such class. Fund Non Inspection, will will prove that your fund has all the necessary clearance and your authority will not question you on the fund origin.
Latter, of Administration is secured from Her majesty court on your behalf, sating that this is a legal fund on application from the Bank/FSA.
Thank you!
Alan Smith
ALAN SMITH
28 May

We only requested for the sum of One Thousand United State Dollars for the required clearance in compliance to the United Nations Home Land Security Policy, This will total clear your fund from any kind of questioning from your Government and we shall secure on your behalf United Nations Approval numbers in compliance to the European Union Money laundaring policy.
The Insurance will issue a latter of Guarantee to the International body, stating the Money is cleared and Insured
Finally, Should you have any Question (S) Please do not hesitate to contact us Immediately. We Expect your Swift Co-operation.
Yours Sincerely,
For: Capital Bank PLC.,
Mr. Alan Smith
Foreign Operation Department
Malcolm Reynolds

I can cut and paste too!

Mr Smith,
Let's take this one at a time.
"The Anti Terrorist" - the FBI is taking care of that, so I don't pay you.
"The Money Laundring" - again, the FBI is taking care of that.
"Fund Non Inspection" - if I've got the first two documents, I don't need this; so nothing to pay. "Latter, of Administration" - that's about all that's left. However, the FBI's lawyer is on that, meaning you don't have a role here; so, nothing to pay.
I guess that just about sums it up. It's a pity you've put yourself to all this trouble for nothing.
If you have any comments or complaints, take them to Mr Persichini.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Henry Gonzales

They come not single lawyers, but in battalions...

29 May

ATTENTION Malcolm Reynolds
I AM HAPPY TO INFORM YOU THAT I AM BARRISTER HENRY GONZALES AN ACCREDITED ATTORNEY TO THE PAYING BANK WHERE YOUR TOTAL DUE AMOUNT IS CURRENTLY DEPOSITED.
HOWEVER , CONSIDERING THE ACTIVITIES OF SOME IMPOSTORS GOING HERE IN THE BANK ,I TOOK UP THE TASK TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR TOTAL DUE PAYMENT IS NOW READY TO BE PAID TO YOU THROUGH CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT OR THROUGH ATM GOLD MASTER CARD; FROM THE LOAN GRANTED TO MY COUNTRY BY THE PARIS CLUB AWAY OF MAKING SURE THAT YOU MUST RECEIVE YOUR DUE AMOUNT WITHOUT ANY MORE DELAY
BE REMINDED THAT WHAT IS HOLDING YOUR DUE PAYMENT IS THAT YOU HAVE NOT SIGNED THE PAYMENT RELEASE ORDER WHICH IS A HIGH CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS OF THE BANK THAT WHEN SIGNED IT WILL GIVE THE PAYING BANK THE LOCUS STANDI TO DEDUCT THE BANKING CHARGES AND TRANSFER THE BALANCE TO YOU AS THE BANKING ETHICS STIPULATES. MORESO THE SAID CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS CANNOT BE SACN AND SEND THROUGH ATTACHMENT BUT MUST BE INSURED AND DISPATCHED THROUGH GOVERNMENT ACCREDITED COURIER SERVICES AS THE LAW STATES. AGAINST THE FOREGOING BACK GROUND, I WILL ADVISE YOU TO CHOSE BETWEEN THE TWO OPTION THE BEST WAY YOU WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR DUE AMOUNT
A) THROUGH CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT , PHOTOCOPY OF THE SAID DRAFT WILL BE SENT TO YOU FIRST TO CONFIRM IT FIRST WITH YOUR LOCAL BANK BEFORE DISPATCHING OF THE ORIGINAL TO YOUR ADDRESS B0 THROUGH ATM GOLD MASTER ,PLEASE INDICATE THE NAME THAT WILL BE ON THE CARD
ON HEARING FROM YOU ,
WE WILL ACT ACCORDINGLY AS THE BANKING PROTOCOLS STIPULATES,WHILE WE PROMISE TO SERVE YOU BETTER YOURS FAITHFULLY
BARRISTER HENRY GONZALES
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Gonzales,
With respect, the delays have nothing to do with any gorram failure on my part!
Between the FBI dragging its feet, and Mr Smith trying to muscle in on the Feds' work, I am ready to explode.
Holy snapping duckshit, don't you people talk to each other?
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Henry Gonzales
29 May

DEAR Malcolm Reynolds
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL AND THE INFORMATION THEREIN WERE DULLY NOTED
HOWEVER ,I MUST PUT YOU THROUGH IN A CHRONOGICAL ORDER FOR YOUR PERFECT UNDERSTANDING.
A) INLINE WITH THE BANKING ETHICS ,FBI HAS NO LEGAL RIGHT OR POWER OF YOUR TOTAL SUM,THE DUTY OF THE FIB IS TO ENSURE SECURITY WHILE THAT OF BANKS IS TO HANDLE PAYMENT AND OTHER BANKING FUNCTIONS B) NO MAN OR WOMAN HAS THE LOCUS STANDI TO STOP YOUR PAYMENT HENCE I HAVE ADVISED YOU TO STOP ANY COMMUNICATION WITH ANY IMPOSTOR WHOSE OMMISSION IS TO GET INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR PAYMENT AND TRY TO DIVERT
AGAINST THE FOREGOING BACKGROUND ,I WILL ADVISE YOU TO CHOSE BETWEEN THE OPTIONS GIVING TO YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT AND DISREGARD ANYTHING WITH FBI AWAITING YOUR IMMEDIATE REPLY
BARRISTER GONZALES

"DULLY NOTED" I can believe.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Gonzales,
If you're suggesting that I bigfoot the FBI, you are blowing smoke buddy! There's no way in creation that I'll give the Feds any reason to turn nasty on me. Are we clear on this? And what the hell do you mean by this ‘impostor' talk? This Alan Smith guy is at the bank - hell, I bet he signs off on your paperwork! I don't need any of your scaremongering, thank you very much.
Malcolm Reynolds
ALAN SMITH
29 May

Dear sir,
If you can not pay USD1,000.00 which is non negotiable nor deductable we shall unconditionally withdraw your fund to our Private Bank to the treasury, Kindly respond with your final decision, this may be our final correspondent on this matter with your.   We thank you for your co-operations in advance.
Yours in Services,
Alan Smith
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
Since I owe you nothing, and you can't just hand over my money to the treasury since it ain't yours to start with, I can only wonder what sort of gorram idiot you really are. Like I said - if you have issues, take it up with Mr Persichini. I gave you his email address and phone number before.
My account details are:
National Australia Bank
Account name Mr Malcolm P Reynolds
Account number G937641424MR.
When the FBI contacts you with the documents, then you can send me the money - and I won't have to put up with your gorram boondoggle any more.
Malcolm Reynolds
29 May

Attn;Malcolm Reynolds,
We are sorry for the delay, which was as a result of our verification to ascertain the truth as a result of your correct address, right now, we have find out that the address you sent is in the affirmative hence we have rectified it in the two documents sent to you by our attorney We advise you to keep on your sincerity, as this will assist the new generation to come to build a good global world with truth and sincerity, please keep it on.
However, we advise you to urgently oblige to the law by adhering to the instruction giving to you by our attorney Thanks a lot, while we promise our best, once more be rest assured that as soon as our attorney confirms the payment the two needed certificates will be secured and sent to you immediately.
Joseph Billy Persichini
Barrister Vernon Leyton

For some reason, this Lad seems to be a bit impatient.

29 May

Attention Malcolm Reynolds,
After verification based on the investigation carried out ,it has discovered that your real address is as now stated in the certificate and invoice attached.
Against the foregoing background, your obligation would be to send the needed amount 2,550 pounds through western union money transfer with the name and address below already giving to you then send the mtcn number to me as this will enhance and speedy the immediate procurement of the two needed certificates waiting for your reply.
Yours sincerely.
Barr. Vernon Leyton


Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Persichini,

If you are in charge of anything at the FBI, then the Bureau is DOOMED!
Holy snapping duckshit - you needed a week to find my address? I suppose it never occurred to you to just ask Veterans' Affairs, or the DoD - they could have told you right away.
And as for your attorney - Leyton is an incompetent stumblebum. I'll leave it to him to explain exactly why.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

Mr Leyton,
You got my name wrong on the certificate. After all this time, you couldn't get even that simple thing right. I don't know why the FBI selected you.
Get it right and get back to me. I don't want to be kept waiting again.
Malcolm Reynolds

But that proved to be the last from Persichini and friends...


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