GOOD GRIEF!

From the archives of Malcolm Reynolds comes another adventure. His many triumphs include (most recently) SOMETIMES A ROSE IS NOT A ROSE, as well as I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR INSULT and YOU ARE A GREAT PILOT. Mal has a close working relationship with Eliza Dane, Mick Taylor and Brad Morrihan.

Warning: some imaginatively gross profanity, as is to be expected on occasion from the Malcolm Reynolds crew.

Charles Brown has a plan to smuggle US$7.5 million out of Nigeria, and he thinks he has found the man for the job - Malcolm Reynolds... I threw it off script. Hoo-rah!

And then some other 419 scammers found themselves drawn into this tale... They didn't know what they'd got into.

With the passage of time, I wove other baits into the tale... mostly as long as Charles Soludo was somehow involved; thus creating what I call a 'cascade bait'.

Names are colored according to perceived alliances. These were sometimes unclear at first, scammers occasionally forgot who they were supposed to be and who they were trying to scam, and we do not have the email headers any more. Working it out felt like an exercise in forensic linguistics. Names in black bold text are non-speaking participants.

THE SCAMMERS
Charles Brown Minister of Foreign Affairs Ministry Nigeria
Mrs Brown who may or may not have a lovely daughter; took the place of Charles
Mike Okafor Mrs Brown's Western Union identity
Professor Charles Soludo Governor, Central Bank of Nigeria
Janet White fake scammer brought twice by different scammers
Barr. Gina Adamu of Gina Adamu & Associates
Mr. Mike Benson Gina Adamu's Western Union identity
Mark Williams one of the WORLD BANK AUDITORS SITTING PRUDENTLY IN THE NIGERIAN PRIME FINANCIAL INSTITUTION (CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA)"
Daniel Alozie Mark Williams' Western Union identity
Dr. Mark Williams of the NIGERIAN INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT ANTI-FRAUD UNIT
Charles Erokwu Dr Williams' Western Union identity
Barr. John Smith replacement lawyer
John Aboh the Director, International Remittance Department of the First Bank of Nigeria
Kingsley Iwuji John Aboh's Western Union identity
Tunde Lemo John Aboh's (accidental) alter ego
Engineer Charles Soludo "director, international remittance / foreign operations dept, central bank of Nigeria"
Mr Shedrack Denise Mr Shedrack Denise, "Secretary to NUHU RIBADU CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION"
Barrister Adrian Mark was supposed to join the original bait from London
Garth Reynolds

dead - name changes posthumously to Gary - possibly ripped from the headlines surrounding some poor soul's tragedy

THE BAITERS
Malcolm Reynolds former United States Marine Corps officer and aspiring air courier service owner, living in Australia
Kaylee Frye Malcolm's mechanic; a pleasant Southern lass from Georgia

Both of these characters are drawn from the Josh Whedon SF series Firefly and the film Serenity (played by Nathan Fillion and Jewel Staite, respectively)

Jayne Cobb Malcolm's buddy and ex-Marine
Inara Tam Malcolm's girlfriend

Western Union and Moneygram get mentioned quite a lot, along with something called Travelex.

Note: I tried to fit a "Good Grief" into as many replies as possible, but when others crashed the party, there wasn't much point...

OK, introductions over, let's see how this begins.


Charles Brown
22/03/06

From the Desk of Mr. Charles Brown
Minister, Foreign Affairs Ministry
Awolowo Road,
Lagos Nigeria
RE: PAYMENT SOLUTION
Greetings,
I apologized using this medium to reach you for a transaction/business of this magnitude, but this is due to Confidentiality and prompt access reposed on this medium. In unfolding this proposal, I want to count on you, as a respected and honest person to handle this project/transaction with sincerity, trust and confidentiality.
Let me use this opportunity to introduce myself briefly to you. I am Mr. Charles Brown, Minister of Foreign Affairs Ministry Nigeria. My office monitors and controls the affairs of all banks and financial institutions in my country concerned with foreign contract payments.
I am the final signatory to any transfer or remittance of funds moving within banks both on the local and international levels in line to foreign contracts settlement. I have before me, list of funds which could not be transferred to some nominated accounts as these accounts have been identified either as ghost accounts, unclaimed deposits or over-invoiced sum e.t.c.
Now listen carefully please. I write to present you to the federal government that you are among the people expecting the funds to be transferred into their accounts. On this note, I wish to have a deal with you as regards to the unpaid certified contract funds.
I have every file before me and the data's will be changed into your name to enable you receive the fund into your nominated account as the contractor/beneficiary of the fund amount $7.5Million U.S.D. It is my duty to recommend the transfer of these surplus funds to the federal government treasury and reserve accounts as unclaimed deposits.
I have the opportunity to write you based on the instructions I received 2 days ago from the Senate Committee on Contract Payments to Foreign Debts to submit the list of payment reports / expenditures and audited reports of revenues. Among several others, I have decided to remit this sum following my idea that we have a deal/agreement and I am going to do this legally.MY CONDITIONS AS FOLLOWS1. You will give me and my colleagues 65% at of the total sum as soon as you confirm the total fund in your designated account. 30% will be for you for your effort while 5% should be set aside for any miscellaneous expenses.2. This transaction must be kept highly secretive as I am still in service to avoid public notice and all correspondence will be strictly by email for security purposes. We will talk on phone partially if any warrant for that.3. There should be no third parties as most problems associated with your fund release are caused by your agents or representative. If you agree with my conditions, I will intimate you with the procedures to enable me fix your name on the payment schedule instantly to meet the three days mandate. I hope you don't reject this offer as this great opportunity comes but once in one's entire life.Conclusively, I look forward to hearing from you soonest.
Regards,
Charles Brown
Foreign Affairs Minister
Please, get back to me upon your satisfaction with my proposal.
Malcolm Reynolds

Prepare to acquire target...

Dear Mr Brown,
I am interested in the business that you are putting forward, but I'd like to be absolutely sure that the deal is watertight.
I'm also curious about No. 3 in your list of conditions - "There should be no third parties as most problems associated with your fund release are caused by your agents or representative" - we've never had any business before, and no-one who works for or with me has ever caused any dissatisfaction, as far as I know.
Please respond.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown
25/03/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
I do appreciate your response for your willingness to handle this project together with me which I assure you that everything will go smoothly till our fund is creditted into your bank account you will provide and no third party will be involved in order to avoid any distraction of anykind that will arise. The mail below will help you understand my requirement better.Thank you for your mail.The promptness is well appreciated too.
I want to assure you that the totality of this transaction is completly genuine and legitimate without any hitch.However I will request the follwing details to progress:
YOUR FULL NAME.
CONTACT ADDRESS.
DIRECT PHONE AND FAX NUMBER.
NAME OF WHERE PRESENTLY WORKING WITH POSTION OR NAME OF COMPANY OWN WITH YEARS OF EXISTENCE
BANK DETAILS WHERE THIS FUND WILL BE TRANSFERRED INTO AT THE END WHICH INCLUDES, YOUR
BANK NAME, ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK, ACCOUNT NUMBER, ACCOUNT NAME, BANK TELEPHONE AND FAX, SWIFT CODE, ROUTING NUMBER ETC.
Upon reciept of the above details from you, I will submit it to the Upper Arm of the National Assembly through the Senate Committee on Foreign Remmittance and Contract Award in other for the details to go through Fund Release Process Order as required by the ethics of banking and hereby fufilling the legitimate process.
Immediately this is achieve the next line of progress will be made known to you.Thank you for your time once again. It is very important that you secure banking details so that we will carry on effectively towas this transaction. Regards,
Charles Brown.
Note: I will prepare an agreement which will be binding both parties together in order to avoid any third parties that will try to come in and distroy this great project.

Gotcha!
Interesting - he's preparing the way for mysterious unnamed "third parties" by saying there won't be any - at least, that's my guess. Where is this going to lead?

Malcolm Reynolds

Dear Mr Brown,
Here's the info you requested.
YOUR FULL NAME: Malcolm Paul Reynolds
CONTACT ADDRESS: 2/33 Stuart Drive, Alice Springs
DIRECT PHONE AND FAX NUMBER: [snipped]. No fax
NAME OF WHERE PRESENTLY WORKING WITH POSTION OR NAME OF COMPANY OWN WITH YEARS OF EXISTENCE: Serenity Air Couriers, still to be fully incorporated. Before that, United States Marine Corps (to early 2004)
BANK DETAILS WHERE THIS FUND WILL BE TRANSFERRED INTO AT THE END WHICH INCLUDES, YOUR BANK NAME, ADDRESS OF YOUR BANK, ACCOUNT NUMBER, ACCOUNT NAME, BANK TELEPHONE AND FAX, SWIFT CODE, ROUTING NUMBER ETC.: Commonwealth Bank (Australia), account No: G641 937 914. Account name: Malcolm P Reynolds

A couple of provisos here.
Firstly, the telephone service in Central Australia is patchy at best. For most contact - such as keeping in touch with old Corps buddies in CONUS - email is the only real option.
Secondly, Serenity Air Couriers is still in the set-up phase. We estimate three months to formal incorporation.
Before early 2000, I was serving in the United States Marine Corps for 13 years, including service in Iraq in 1990/91, and Somalia.
The other details on banking I'll have to get from my partner Inara Tam, who is currently interstate consulting with investors in SAC.
BTW, you stress repeatedly the need to not involve third parties - yet what do I see but this -
"Upon reciept of the above details from you, I will submit it to the Upper Arm of the National Assembly through the Senate Committee on Foreign Remmittance and Contract Award". Good grief! How many sets of eyes are going to be looking over it?
Finally - you wrote - "I will prepare an agreement which will be binding both parties together in order to avoid any third parties that will try to come in and distroy this great project". That ain't "Loose Lips Sink Ships" sort of talk; that's more like "Watch Out for Saboteurs!" Who could want to actively work against us? Have you got any enemies that I should know about?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

CONUS = Continental United States.
The necessary preludes to his being unable to phone me (and my being unable to phone him) are in place. Since this bait, the number I gave is now active, so it's been removed.

Charles Brown
27/03/06

Dear Malcolm Paul Reynolds,
I do appreciate your response and I will be glad you keep it up because I will solenly depend on your co-operation to make this project a success.
First thing on Monday, I will tender application at the concerned government authorities where all relevants legal documents will be secured in your favour and, i will get a reputable and recognised lawyer to draft an agreement that will be binding this transaction and both of us together.
Most important, telephone communication will add a plus to the success of this transaction so, you will try to be calling me on daily bases or three times a week so that we can establish perfect relationship that cannot be shaken.
I will update you tomorrow but do acknowledge this email.
Kind Regards,
Charles.

He said, no third parties, but he's got a lawyer! Slap!

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Brown:
If you want to depend on my co-operation, fine, but good grief, man, you've already broken your most basic rule!
You said in your first two messages, no third parties, and how you would draft an agreement that would keep the project safe from third parties; yet now you say you're bringing in a lawyer - about as third party as it's possible to be.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown
27/03/06

Brother Malcolm Paul Reynolds,
That is not so, the lawyer will just draft an agreement for us which he will legalise it at the federal high court in my country so that the agreement will be binding.
The lawyer has nothing to do with our transaction. He will not be part of it so note that because am not going to leak any secret regarding this transaction to him so let your mind be at peace brother.
Please, find a way to call me on my telephone number +234-806-2667131 or can I get you on your phone you gave me. We need to open up communication via telephone because it is very important.
Remain blessed while I awiat your response and call.
Charles

Malcolm has been raised to "brother" status. Sometimes you wonder if there's a set time for this in the Lad manual.

Telephone communication is OUT; while I can do a Sutherner accent, there's no way I could sustain it.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Brown,
For now, I'll let the lawyer thing drop - for now.
I just hope you can make the lawyer draw up something that won't tip anyone. Maybe it's just an American thing - but I don't trust lawyers.
I will try to ring you at a suitable time - could you please confirm the time difference between here and Nigeria?
I will admit, though, that I don't understand your insistence on verbal communication - I've done business without it. I don't see why this should be treated differently.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown
28/03/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
I believe you have done business without verbal communication but there is a different between email communication and verbal communication as you know. Pls understand my point and I assure you that before Wednesday, I will send you a copy of the agreement.
I want to assure you that the documents in your favour is in progress.
Kind Regards,
Charles
Malcolm Reynolds

Get the bad telephone service modality in place, I'll need it.

Dear Mr Brown,
Yes, I do understand the difference between verbal and electronic communication - good grief, man, how the hell do you think we gave orders and passed on vital information in the Corps? Smoke signals?
In any event, it's a moot point, as one of the reasons I have had to do business without telephone communication is that the network out here is a real lash-up - it's OK for local calls, but unreliable for interstate calls, and just about next to useless for international calls. You might as well use smoke signals... I'll see what the document is like.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown
29/03/06

Brother Malcolm Reynolds,
Thanks for your explanatory email to me.
I was able to get the agreement today which am attaching a copy for your perusal in this email.
Moreso, government parastatals are working on the documents in your favour because I have made application for the procurement of the legal documents in your favour and everything is moving smoothly as scheduled.
Please respond upon reciept and also sign a vacant place given for you to sign and send it back to me via email attachment.
Remain blessed brother,
Charles.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mr Brown,
It's nice to know that some things are going smoothly because the attachment you attached refuses to open.
I don't know why.
Please resend it as a more acceptable format.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

I wasn't lying, the attachment just failed to open.

Charles Brown
31/03/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
It is very easy to open. Try it again.
Thanks.
Charles

He was wrong, it still failed to open.

Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mr Brown,
It isn't working. Clearly my OS can't handle that format.
Good grief, man, why didn't you send it as a Word Document?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown
01/04/06

Dear Malcolm,
I will instruct my secreatary re-scan the document for me so that I can send it across to you on Monday. I believe this suggestion will be Ok by you.
I called your phone number on several occassion but was recieving a wrong signal that your telephone is not active.
Other legal documents are in progress and will also send across to you one they are ready.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Charles
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mr Brown,
What format are you intending to use for it?
Good grief, man, there's no point in sending it if I can't open it or sign it.
I did warn you about the phone service out here. Now you know...
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mr Brown,
Please get this thing done; I really don't want to have to ask for this document again. It's really getting my dander up.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown
04/04/06

Dear Malcolm Reynold,
Am presently working on the legal documents in your favour. Since you cannot open attachment from your computer, I see no reason sending you the dococuments maybe the paying bank will contact you once the get clearance that all documents I am trying to secure is OK.
Keep me posted when you recieve any detail from the paying bank regarding the release of our fund to you.
Kind Regards,
Charles.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Brown,
Yes I can open attachments on my computer! But while you use formats that aren't compatible with my OS, they won't work.
Good grief, man, can't you send it in Word or as a JPEG?
I've heard nothing from the bank.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

And then... the Lads shift gear, redubbing the fund an inheritance. They also, for reasons of their own, throw in a ringer - I suspected at the time that it was intended to increase the anxiety levels. As I was to find out later, it's actually a standard Lad script, though one usually employed as an opening gambit. I should have guessed!

Professor Charles Soludo

05/04/06

FROM THE DESK OF: PROF CHARLES SOLUDO, CENTRAL BANK GOVERNOR
#34,MARINA STREET, LAGOS-NIGERIA.
TEL/FAX:- 234-1-774 4143
ATTN: MALCOLM REYNOLDS.
YOUR OVER DUE INHERITANCE FUNDS:
THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR OVER DUE INHERITANCE FUNDS HAS BEEN GAZZETED TO BE RELEASED, VIA KEY TELEX TRANSFER (KTT) DIRECT WIRE TRANSFER TO YOU OR THROUGH ANY OF OUR CORROSPONDENT BANK NOMINATED BY THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN OVER DUE FUND TRANSFER.
MEANWHILE, A WOMAN CAME TO MY OFFICE A FEW DAYS AGO WITH A LETTER CLAIMING TO BE YOUR TRUE REPRESENTATIVE. HERE ARE HER INFORMATION:-
NAME: JANET WHITE
BANK NAME: CITI BANK
BANK ADDRESS: ARIZONA, USA.
ACCOUNT Number: 6503809428.
PLEASE, DO RE-CONFIRM TO THIS OFFICE AS A MATTER OF URGENCY IF THIS WOMAN IS FROM YOU SO THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING INTO THE WRONG ACCOUNT NAME. IF THIS WOMAN IS NOT YOUR REP, YOU ARE REQUESTED TO FILL AND SEND THIS INFORMATION FOR VERIFICATIONS PURPOSES SO THAT YOUR FUND WILL BE REMITTED INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANKACCOUNT.
1. YOUR NAME:.........................................................
2. YOUR FULL ADDRESS:.........................................
3. YOUR TELEPHONE ..............................................
4. FAX................................................................
5. AGE...............................................................
6. SEX:........................................................
7. YOUR OCCUPATION:.............................................
8. YOUR BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS:..............
9. AMOUNT OF CLAIM:..............................................
10.CONTRACT NUMBER (if any)......................................
AS SOON AS WE RECIEVE THIS, WE WILL COMMENCE WITH ALL NECESSARY PROCEDURES IN OTHER TO REMMIT THIS MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. THE CENTRAL BANK GOVERNOR, EXECUTIVE BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN OVER DUE INHERITTANCE FUND HAVE APPROVED AND ACCREDITED THIS REPUTABLE BANK WITH THE OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE / FOREIGN OPERATIONS,TO HANDLE AND TRANSFER ALL FOREIGN INHERITTANCE FUNDS THIS FOURTH QUARTER PAYMENT OF THE YEAR. HOWEVER, WE SHALL PROCEED TO ISSUE ALL PAYMENTS DETAILS TO THE SAID MRS. WHITE IF WE DO NOT HEAR FROM YOU WITHEN THE NEXT SEVEN WORKING DAYS FROM TODAY. WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCOVINENCE THE DELAY IN TRANSFERING OF THIS FUND MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO (CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA)
CC: THE PRESIDENCY (D.M.O.)
CC: SENATE PRESEDENT.
CC: BOARD OF DIRECTORS [FPD].
CC: ACCOUNTANT GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION.

I wasn't sure if I'd received a totally unrelated 419 email, so I decided to play dumb on this one for the present.

Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Dr Soludo,
I have received nothing from you before this message, and I have no knowledge of the business you have mentioned. I also do not know anyone named Janet White.
I'm giving you the information you seek, on the understanding that you tell me exactly what this is all about.
1. NAME Malcolm Reynolds
2. ADDRESS: 2/33 Stuart Drive, Alice Springs.
3. TELEPHONE (08) 8347 9666.
4. FAX: None
5. AGE: 38
6. SEX: Male
7. OCCUPATION: Pilot
8. BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS: Commonwealth Bank (Australia), account No: G641 937 914
9. AMOUNT OF CLAIM: Unknown
10. CONTRACT NUMBER (if any): None
Reply soonest please
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
06/04/06

YOUR OVER DUE INHERITANCE FUNDS:
YOUR RESPONSE HAS BEEN RECIEVED OK MAYBE YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT YOU SENT JANET WHITE TO CLAIM YOUR US$7.5M.
WE SHALL NOT BE HELD LIABLE IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG WITH YOUR FUND SO, BE ADVISED TO GET BACK UPON RECIEPT OF THIS EMAIL IF YOU AUTHORISE JANET TO CLAIM YOUR FUND OR NOT.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO.

You know, I think I'd remember sending someone for a multi-million dollar sum... perhaps ADD is common among the Lads, so they assume everyone else has it.

Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Professor Soludo,
I repeat; I do not know anyone named Janet White, and I have not authorised her to act on my behalf on any matter whatsoever.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
07/04/06

YOUR OVER DUE INHERITANCE FUNDS:
YOUR PETITION AGAINST JANET WHITE HAS BEEN RECIEVED.
ACTION WILL BE TAKEN FOR THE RELEASE OF YOUR FUND OR OR BEFORE 4 WORKING DAYS FROM DATE. WE SHALL COMMUNICATE THE PROCESS OF THE RELEASE OF YOUR FUND TO YOU SOON
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
PROF. CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Professor Soludo,
Duly noted.
I hope that you've reported Janet White to the police over this!
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Calling in the police against a denounced con artist; you'd think it'd be logical for the bank to take action....
Huh? Yeah, I know it's not a real bank!
The disclaimer at the foot of the email was almost as entertaining as the original message

Professor Charles Soludo
08/04/06

ATTENTION: Malcolm Reynolds,
IMMEDIATE INHERITANCE CLAIM AMOUNT US$7.5M
IN RESPECT OF YOUR MAIL DATED 08/04/06, BE INFORMED THAT WE HAVE TAKEN NOTE OF YOUR MESSAGE AND WE WILL GET MRS JANET WHITE ARRESTED SINCE SHE IS NOT YOUR REPRESENTATIVE AS CLAIMED.
NAME: JANET WHITE
BANK NAME: CITI BANK
BANK ADDRESS: ARIZONA, USA.
ACCOUNT Number: 6503809428.
BE INFORMED THAT WE HAVE PROGRAMMED YOUR PAYMENT VIA KEY TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER, SO YOU ARE KINDLY ADVISED TO SEND YOUR IDENTIFICATIONS ENABLE US SPEEDING ACTION IN RELEASING YOUR FUND
TO YOUR GOODSELF.
YOU HAVE TO FURNISH US WITH YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS WHERE YOU WANT THE FUND TO BE REMITTED IN OTHER TO AVOID WRONG TRANSFER. HOWEVER,I WANT TO INFORM YOU THAT $7.5 MILLION DOLLARS HAS BEEN APPROVED TO TRANSFER TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY. AND THIS TRANSACTION WILL NOT TAKE US MORE THAN 4/5 WORKING DAYS IF YOU ACT FAST TO THE INSTRUCTIONS.
CONTACT THE ACCREDITED LAWYER ON BELOW DETAILS:
BARR. GINA ADAMU (MRS)
EMAIL: ginaadamu33@yahoo.coM
TEL: 00234-8039143164.
FINALLY, THE LADY LAWYER WILL SERVE AS YOUR ACCREDITED LAWYER TO HANDLE THE LEGAL PROCESS OF THIS TRANSACTION IN YOUR FAVOR, SHE WILL SWEAR AN AFFIDAVIT OF CLAIM IN YOUR FAVOUR THAT WILL EMPWOER THE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 72/96HRS.
ANTICIPATING YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
======================================================================
The information transmitted is intended solely for the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or privileged material. Any review, retransmission, dissemination or other use of or taking action in reliance upon this information by person or entities other than the intended recipient is prohibited. If you have received this email in error, please contact the sender and delete the material `from any computer.
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA has scanned this email for viruses, vandals and malicious content.

There is a Citibank; there is no Janet White. But you knew that. Right? If you didn't know that, please read the FAQ, preferably out loud, so it will stick.

Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Professor Soludo,
Just report this Janet White to the police and let them do their job.
I sure as hell don't need to know her gorram account details!
OK, on to business - what "IDENTIFICATIONS" do you mean? Why do you need my account details, since you already have them?
And exactly why do I need a lawyer?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mrs Adamu,
Professor Charles Soludo of the Central Bank of Nigeria recommended that I contact you on an inheritance matter. I believe that you have been briefed on this issue. Please confirm.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu

Well, this Lad really jumped the gun! Did I actually ever ask 'her' to be my lawyer?

12/04/06

GINA ADAMU & ASSOCIATES
10, ADESOLA STREET, LAGOS NIGERIA
TEL: 234-8039143164
EMAIL: ginaadamu33@yahoo.com
ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
Reference to your email, be informed that the content of your mail asking me to handle legal procedure of your claim has been granted. I have contacted the bodies concern for the final clearance and endorsement in your favor that will grant Prof: Charles Soludo the power to remit your fund to your good self.
NOTE: This transaction is subject to the following terms and conditions. Our conviction of your transparent honesty and diligence, that you would treat this transaction with utmost secrecy, confidentiality as the nature requires to grant smooth release of your FUND as you desire. You are to make the payment of Processing And Administrative Charges which amount to $2,550 before final clearance will be granted to Prof Charles Soludo the Governor CBN to release your fund.
Be informed also that I am waiting for the fee to enable me obtain the final document for the immediate release of your Fund.
Here is the payment information via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
Receiver's Name: Mr Mike Benson
Destination: Lagos Nigeria
AMOUNT: US$2,550.00
Endeavor to send this money as soon as poosible and do furnish me with the details (MTCN NO)
immediatly so that we can get this affidavit certificate in your favor that will authenticate your right to claim this fund from the High Court Of Justics. Meanwhile, my service fee is US$15,500.00 and it will be paid after you have received the fund.
Upon the payment of this fee I shall immediately transfer your fund with the Executive Governor CBN, also I have received your account details where you fund will be reemitted.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
-------------------------------------------------------------
Gina Adamu Law Chambers offers a competitive and professional fixed price Wills service with no hidden charges. Home and Hospital visits are available in the Gina Adamu area.
Gina Adamu Law Chambers offers a caring and professional Probate service. Advisors at Gina Adamu Law Chambers are qualified to provide expert advice and assistance regulated by the Law Society.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Malcolm Reynolds

Time to put 'Mrs Adamu' in her place!

Dear Mrs Adamu,
You misunderstand me - I have not asked you to represent me, and at no point did I make that request. I simply told you that I had been asked to make contact. I would like an explanation from you about why I need a lawyer in this matter, as Dr Soludo was apparently unwilling to do so.
I would also like feedback on what you have been told about this case, as there has been a major breakdown of communication on this issue.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

Charlie Soludo has earned a slap as well!

Dear Professor Soludo,
I am still waiting for the answers to several questions that I have posed that you so far have declined to answer.
They are:
[1] The exact nature of the inheritance. I would like names, dates, etc.
[2] The nature of the "identifications" you requested.
[3] The exact reason a lawyer is needed.
Reply as completely as possible as soon as possible.
I have been kept waiting long enough, and the high-handed tone adopted by Mrs Adamu is extremely annoying.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu
12/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
Thanks for your prompt response, be informed that you have an approved fund with Central Bank Of Nigeria to be remitted to your nominated account with :
I am appointed to handle every legal procedures in your fund, By this doing your fund will be remitted within 72hrs without any hitch. However, the fee request is to get the necessary documents in your favour that will authenticate as the beneficiary of the fund and empower the Executive Governor Of Central Bank Of Nigeria (C.B.N) to transfer the fund to your submitted account.
Meanwhile, the required fee is to obtain the Vital Documents of this REMITTANCE in your favor, note the approved US$10.5M is allocated to you, So I am saying Congratulations to your goodself.
Your Fund approved falls among the Category ""C"" of the Federal Government Approved Payment, note also that this category's payment is bonded and guarantteed for remittance.
Finally, I called your number as submitted by CBN, but was not connecting, endeavor to send your correct phone number and don't forget to take immediate action on the required fee for effective services.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Now it's $10.5 million; a mistake, or some sort of test? Whatever - I won't mention it anyway.
Oh yeah, and she hasn't been slapped enough for that piece of high-handedness.
Gotta do more about that!

Malcolm Reynolds

Hasn't she got the message yet?

Mrs Adamu,
You are acting without due authorization from me.
Until Professor Soludo answers my questions, there is no point in your taking further action beyond doing as I asked before, i.e. forwarding such details as you have on this matter.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo

The name of the deceased has changed posthumously.

12/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Sorry for the late response, complement of the season.
Regarding your questions: Be informed that this payment is payment is inheritance payment that has been lying unclaim in our Bank, getting closely to all the payment File we understand that the late decease(Mr. Garth Reynolds) last match with your name.
We now searched through the Email address indicated in the file as the next of kin was your email address, So when Ms Janet White came for the money we decided to go through the file and we not confirmed that she was trying to commit fraud, so I have decided to transfer to money to you as the next of kin to the late decease.
Sir, the lawyer is needed to get all vital documents in your favors that will enable have fully access to the remittance. Most specailly AFFIDAVIT CERTIFICATE is required in your name.
Please do comply with her as she stand as the legal officer in this transaction and remember that after you receive the fund I will be well compensated by you, Remember that the Lawyer will be working as your representative and regarding the DEATH of Engr. Gary Reynolds who has no wife nor child, he died in Bellview Plane Crash on the 22nd Oct' 2005 as an oil Explorer, he was an official assignment from Lagos To Abuja.
Don't reveal all this to Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs) all you need from her is legal duties to get the required documentations that will enable you make this claim successfully.
Once again I am deeply sorry for the late response is as a result of an official duty in another location.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO

"[C]omplement of the season"? It's Christmas in April?
And "the late decease" - priceless.
Note the bit about "remember that after you receive the fund I will be well compensated by you" - a bit out of character for the good Professor, surely?

Malcolm Reynolds

A mild slap is in order.

Dear Professor Soludo,
Finally I have answers.
However, I am more than a little angry that you appointed Mrs Adamu as my lawyer without consulting me. I say this because she wrote, "[B]e informed that the content of your mail asking me to handle legal procedure of your claim has been granted" when I had done no such thing. This can only mean that you had hired her on your own account.
I will consider my next move and contact you again when I have decided whether or not to retain Mrs Adamu. This is MY decision to make, not yours, and you will NOT presume to contact Mrs Adamu on my behalf. Do you understand?
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo

"[S]he is one of the most qualified Attorney" - just wait and see.

13/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

I apologise on behalf of the Lady Lawyer, But I want you to understand that i referred to her based on her position and capacity to such transaction, she is one of the most qualified Attorney to the Central Bank Of Nigeria. she is the one mandated to handle such huge amount of transactions.
If for any reasons her letter annoyed you, kindly reconsider on your not wanting to work with her, I can assure you she will deliver her services execellently well.
Looking forward to hear from you soonest.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds

Taking some advice from the 419Eater forum, I set them a task.

Dear Professor Soludo,
Given that you took it upon yourself to hire Mrs Adamu, please convey the following request to her: I would like to see Mrs Adamu's curriculum vitae, and some client references. Her bar certificate is also required. Engaging a barrister to work on ex partite matters is an important matter, and I want to ensure that I can have confidence in her.
I would also like to see some details of the Garth Reynolds account. Please forward said documentation at your earliest convenience.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown

Oh, I hadn't heard from Charlie... what news does he have for me?

14/04/06

Brother Malcolm Reynolds,
I noticed that somebody is trying to divert our fund because I was at the Central Bank but was not allowed entrace to see the Governor.
Am confused because I don't know what to do at present. I cannot gain access to the Governor of the Bank to tell him that the Fund belong to my Brother Malcolm Reynolds.
Did you recieve any information.
Pls respond.
Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Brown,
This is unexpected - but perhaps you can help here. Is the Governor a Charles Soludo?
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown

What is he up to?

14/04/06

Brother Malcolm Reynolds,
Thanks for your quick response.
You have just maintioned the name of the Governor of Central Bank.
I tried to see him but the security men doesn't allow me to do so because I was told that some people sometimes claim peoples fund so since I did not recieve any information, I decided to find out if our fund is not yet claimed by somebody else but if the bank has contacted you regarding our payment. Glory be to God but if not, that means that somebody is trying to claim our fund.
Pls, if you have any information regarding our payment, endeavour to let me down because am confused at this point.
Awaiting your urgent response.
Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Brown,
YOU'RE confused? Good grief, I have no idea what the hell is happening! After your message that ended thus - "Keep me posted when you recieve any detail from the paying bank regarding the release of our fund to you" - there was no response to my reply.
What I got was a message from Professor Soludo saying that someone named "Janet White" had come to the bank to claim the "inheritance" on my behalf. I had no idea what to say - except that I didn't know Janet White! They also wanted my details, so I gave them. I was then directed to contact a lawyer, which I did, hoping for some explanation. What I got was "[B]e informed that the content of your mail asking me to handle legal procedure of your claim has been granted" - which I hadn't asked for. I complained, and was finally told that the whole business was about the estate of a Garth Reynolds! The whole deal is in a holding pattern while I consider my options.
What the hell is going on, Mr Brown?
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown
14/04/06

Brother Malcolm Reynolds,
I was hoping to recieve news regarding the paying bank from you but since I did not, I try to make contact to the bank and it was very critical situation that some hudlum come to the bank to claim the fund that belong to foreigner so, i had to option than to contact you to find out if you happen to recieve any new from the bank.
Don't be confused because the fund has been recognised to be recieved in your account but it was a sudden matter that just arised which we need to follow it up because it will be too late.
Pls, adhere to the governor's directive since they have refused to answer me in the bank.
Endeavour to keep me posted.
Thanks and remain blessed! Brown.

So some hudlums are after Malcolm's money... where is this going to lead?

Malcolm Reynolds

It's time for a lecture from Malcolm - a few bits of home-spun 'wisdom' shouldn't go astray.

Mr Brown,
Who could have arranged for someone to try to claim the money?
I recall you telling me, "There should be no third parties as most problems associated with your fund release are caused by your agents or representative" - well, there is no way in hell that I made this happen. Someone arranged for "Janet White" to try to have the money sent to Arizona - and that could only have been arranged from your end, Charlie, not mine.
No-one knows about it in Oz, but someone in Nigeria did - maybe the lawyer I had worries about; but you assured me would cause no problems.
You screwed up big time, Charlie, and now the whole deal is firmly in the hands of Charles Soludo and his pet lawyer.
Have you ever heard of the Five P Principle, Charlie? "Prior Planning Prevents Piss-poor Performance?" I doubt that you have, because you wouldn't have let this happen if you did. You lost control of the transaction, and then you went to the bank and effectively told everyone there that Malcolm Reynolds is your - good grief, just what did you say? Did you say "brother"? Exactly what did you tell them?
And what happened to the binding agreement that you were so proud of, Charlie? It didn't do squat, did it?
I am waiting for Charles Soludo to send me details of that lawyer. Right now I don't quite know who to trust in this deal. If push comes to shove, I may get legal help of my own.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown

Charlie tries to get Malcolm back on script.

15/04/06

Brother Malcolm Reynolds,
Am in reciept of the contents of your email.
Pls, don't feel bad concerning the whole procedure because I thought by now with the process of things, our fund is suppose to have been recieved by you.
Some foreigner's do come to CBN to claim fund and maybe in the process of claiming their fund, they saw your name in the list of payment schedule, they want to use the opportunity to divert the fund to their own pocket but thank God for using Charles Soludo, the governor of the bank to trap Janet down.
Pls, brother, don't blame me because it can happen to anybody. The only thing i will advice you as my partner is to follow the directive of the Governor because he will be the one to help us in making sure the fund is transferred to the right beneficary which is you.
Am very sorry brother for any inconviences this might have caused you but I assure you that since the governor has taken it upon himself to appoint a lawyer that will help us in the bank, pls, adhere to his directive and do let him know that nobody is representing you in the bank and that he should transfer your fund directly to you after all clearance is done by the lawyer he has appointed to handle your payment.
Brother, am glad for your understanding in this matter.
God bless you for your kindness.
Brown

Well, that made no sense.

Malcolm Reynolds
Charlie,
I don't get your explanation.
Is the Central Bank of Nigeria in the habit of leaving out their client lists where every regular Joe can see them? Good grief, is it likely that someone just happened to come in, see my name on this list left out for no real reason, and say, "I think I'll claim that too!"
And don't thank God for Ms White not leeching off the loot - if I hadn't told Charles Soludo twice, yes TWICE, that she had nothing to do with me, he'd have cheerfully handed over the whole gorram lot, the bonehead!
"[D]on't blame me because it can happen to anybody" - Charlie, not everybody loses control of 7.5 million bucks! YOU did! There is literally no-one else at fault but YOU! Count your blessings that I don't hold grudges...
I shouldn't have to be working with the Governor of the bank. You should still be in charge. More to the point, I don't trust his pet lawyer. She was too eager to grab the job - to me that implies someone short of business.
Get that lawyer you were going to give the job to, and I'll tell Gina Adamu to take a hike.
Get back to me when he's available.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown

Another attempt to get things under control...

16/04/06

Dear Malcolm,
I have read your point.
Note that we can't pick any lawyer that will not be capable enough to handle our project for good.
I advice you adhere to the directive of the Governor in order to achieve result.
Thanks.
Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds

Slap him again!

Charlie,
What is the matter with you?
Good grief, have you got whipped cream for a backbone or something?
Have you even TRIED to find a lawyer? I have no idea how competent Gina Adamu is - Soludo hasn't sent me any of her details, as I asked. I'm not going to assume she's good without proof.
Which brings me to this point - why are we worrying about quality? I'm not on trial for my life; it's not as if I need Clarence Darrow. I - we - need someone who'll get us the papers we need - not some self-proclaimed legal eagle; someone who can let us take back control of this affair.
Do you mean to tell me you don't know anyone of that caliber?
Soludo shouldn't be giving me directives - I am not one of his employees, I am a customer - I should be giving him orders, which he should be happy to obey.
More to the point, he actually dared to write this: "after you receive the fund I will be well compensated by you". Son of a bitch! The greedy little shyster has the nerve to openly try to gouge me! Now you know why I don't want his pet lawyer!
Now get to it and find one of your own!
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Professor Soludo,
You have not responded to my request. Please do so as soon as possible. Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown

I think he's faltering...

18/04/06

Brother Malcolm,
Don't feel bad concerning the whole situation.
Finding another attorney to represent you in the bank may be difficult because the Central bank governor may not accept to work together with them. Central Bank is an organised government Bank and they have registered attornies that work together with them.
Pls, seek permission from the Governor of the bank if you can send another attorney to represent you in getting their requirement.
Pls let me know his reply because I believe the bank will resume today after the Easter Celebration.
Thanks for your kind understanding.
Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Charlie,
I can't help but get pissed off about this SNAFU.
But moving on... I don't care if the Governor of the Bank is a Professor, a Knight of the Invisible Empire, or even a gorram Cardinal. He can't just say, "Nah, don't want your lawyer, tell him to push off, we run a closed shop here". I said it before - he is there to serve us, not to give us orders. Good grief, I don't have to ask his permission!
You prep your lawyer and I'll prime the pump at the Bank.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

"Knight of the Invisible Empire" is actually a reference to the Ku Klux Klan.

[No, Scamorama does not support or like the Ku Klux Klan. Malcolm is plainly testing the waters.]

Malcolm Reynolds

First, to Professor Soludo...

Dear Professor Soludo,
I have instructed my colleagues to locate and brief a lawyer of their choice to represent me in this matter. Please acknowledge.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

Then, to Mrs Adamu.

Dear Mrs Adamu,
I have instructed my colleagues to locate and brief a lawyer of their choice to represent me in this matter. Please acknowledge.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu
19/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
I am nominated for this transaction, but if you have deceied not to work with my legal services you are highly appreciated.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Now there's an odd reaction. I didn't expect 'her' to be quite so calm about it.

Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mrs Adamu,
The decision is not yet final. You will be kept informed.
That is all.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Charles Brown
19/04/06

Brother Malcolm,
I understand the way you feel so please all we need is patience in order to get our money out from the Central Bank through the help of Prof. Soludo. Am counting on you in order to make success from this project. Find out from the Governor if I will secure the service of a lawyer that will represent your interest in the bank? he will be the one to determine.
I believe he is trying not to make any mistake.
Pls, update me once you hear from the Governor. Thanks.
Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Charlie,
We shouldn't have to ask Professor Soludo for anything.
We are customers. He is duty-bound to do as he's told. We don't have to ask him for permission to do anything that's our business. He is NOT the one to determine such things.
Just brief your lawyer and get on with it.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu
20/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
I was contacted by the Executive Governor Central Bank Of Nigeria to forward my call to Bar certificate, Should send it to directly or him?
Please do get back me Asap.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mrs Adamu,
Yes, please send your Bar Certificate to Professor Soludo.
It has a direct bearing on the decision on legal representation.
That is all.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Hmm, some details at last.
And now it's GARY Reynolds, not Garth. Fine - though I am not going to mention this. I don't want to appear too suspicious...

Professor Charles Soludo
20/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Sorry for the late response, how is life witn your good self and your entire family? nice i presume.
i have contacted the Barrister to send me her call to Bar certificate so that i will in return forward that to you, I will give the account informations of ENGR. GARY REYNOLDS account details.
Beneficiary's name: MR. GARY REYNOLDS
Account # 01169926501152
rounting No: GR8078
He have banked with us for 21yrs.
Account Current Balance: US$10.5M
Moreso, I can forward you his death CERTIFICATE for your perusal if you so desire sir.
Note tat all these informations have to be security, so I kindly advise you to keep confidentail, Don't even reveal most of all these to the Lawyer, I believe you are mature and you have good experience in business.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Professor Soludo,
Please send both documents as soon as possible.
The Gary Reynolds details, especially, should have been sent long ago.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu
23/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
Here is attached Call to Bar Certificate for your perusals.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Whatever attachment she sent was unreadable; a mass of machine code. It wasn't a virus.

Malcolm Reynolds

Mild slap for that!

Dear Mrs Adamu,
You were requested to send the certificate to the bank. In any event the attachment was unreadable.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
24/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Here is the Documents, Please do comply with the LAWYER so that we can conclude this transaction as quickly as we can.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO

Malcolm Reynolds

OK, I've got the death certificate, but there's still more to do.

Dear Professor Soludo,
The Death Certificate was received, but the Bar Certificate was useless - a mass of unreadable machine code. Also, you say, comply with the lawyer. Please remember that Mrs Adamu is not at present my lawyer. Send me the Bar certificate in a readable format.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
26/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Complement of the season, the Lawyer have resend her call to bar certificate.
See the attachment.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO

He sends it - but it was the same useless attachment.

Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
There was no readable document attached. Why can you not send a simple JPEG?
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
27/04/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Here is the documents again, Is this not readable again?
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO

And again!

Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
The image is not showing. For God's sake, man, isn't there someone in your office who can scan and transmit a JPEG?
It's a simple enough thing, yet both you and Mrs Adamu find it impossible.
Just get it right, damn it!
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

An unsuspecting Lad enters the fray with an anti-corruption modality.
Bad move...

28/04/06

WORLD BANK AUDITORS SITTING PRUDENTLY IN THE NIGERIAN PRIME FINANCIAL INSTITUTION (CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA)
TINUBU SQUARE, LAGOS-NIGERIA
TEL: + 234-80230 92353
Email: worldbankauditors_nigeria09@yahoo.com Our Ref: WBA/NG/CBN/06

From the Desk of :Mark Williams
Attn: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds ,
RE: PAYMENT ADVICE
This is to notify numerous foreign contractors owed by the Federal Government of Nigeria from various parastatals that going by the Geneva pact signed by the government of Nigeria and the World Bank as it relates to long over due payment of foreign contractors on behalf of Federal Government of Nigeria.
Apparently, investigations carried out by the World Bank Auditors has informed that most beneficiaries are being asked to pay certain irrelevant charges by the Apex Bank (Central Bank of Nigeria) and other government financial institutions. Therefore making very difficult for contractors to meet such obligation which is contrary to section "37" sub-section "C" of the Articles XII of Banks and other financial decree of 1995 as amended in 1998.
In view of this, the governing board of the World Bank has directed that World Bank Auditors representatives sitting in Nigeria to scrutinize and oversee an immediate release of such payment that has meet up the requirements for effectiveness without any further delay. Any beneficiary satisfy "OK" will receive his/her fund within seven (7) working days from the date of the final authentication of his/her contractual date.
Beneficiaries will be requested to obtain the Debit Form M104 from this authority so as in power, this board to carry out such remittance. You need to reconfirm your banking information and your telephone and fax numbers with your contract particulars to enable us confirm your correct data.
Furthermore, certification and unconditional payment release orders has been invested on this board and it involves payment from our statutory foreign reserves of international capital markets loan from (IMF) and the World Bank respectively. It is of vital international financial interest that all payment under this dispensation has been bestowed on the World Bank Auditors for immediate settlements.
On behalf of the Nigerian Government, we regret any inconveniency this delay might have caused your good self. You are hereby finally advised to stop further communications with any agent, group of people and any government bodies in respect of your payment.
Please contact us for detailed information. Expecting your prompt response. YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Mr. Mark Williams
Head Auditor Rep.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams,
What is going on?
What has happened to Professor Soludo?
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams
28/04/06

Attn: Malcolm Reynolds,
Dear Sir,
I have received your mail reply today.
What I needed from you is your bank account information and your contract number and your contract amount and also your telephone number.
You ask me What has happened to Professor Soludo?
Professor Soludo is the Central Bank of Nigeria Governor non thing have been happening to him as I know OK.
Best Rgards.,
Williams,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams,
We are talking at cross purposes here.
Currently I am negotiating with Professor Soludo for the release of inheritance funds. At this stage we are stalled over the matter of a lawyer.
That being so, I don't know why you contacted me.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
It has been over a week since your last message. In addition, I just today received this message from your bank.
Please explain what is going on.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

I forwarded him the text of the Williams letter.

Professor Charles Soludo
01/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Reference to your email, I got your message. Do ingore this message because is from imposters trying to divert people's fund.
Our claim is not contract payment, But an inheritance claim alright, for the best interest of this transaction i will advised you comply with Attorney (Barr. Mrs. Gina Adamu) so that she will grant final legal authentications of this claim in your favor for the release of this funds.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
The email in question was addressed to me, from your bank.
Who in your bank would try to do such things? Who gave them the information?
This is all the more reason for verification of Mrs Adamu's status. Send me her details, in a format that I can read. Do it now, I am fed up with your tardiness.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams:
Professor Soludo has dubbed you an impostor trying to divert my payments.
I would like proof of your bona fides ASAP.
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
02/05/06

Sir,
Attachment.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor
It's readable, but incomplete.
Try again.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
02/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

I am amazed again that you can't get the complete page of this Document, Please contact the lawyer and final the clearance with her, so the I will have the power remit this fund to your nominated account.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Professor Charles Soludo
02/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Endeavor to acknowledge the receive of the Call To Bar Certificate.
I will personally advised you not to reply their mail, as we are under investigations to figure out the source of this leakage information, that is why i have advised you severally to hasten up and final the clearance with Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs) so that wire transfer will be done to your account. Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds

In the meantime - where's Charlie Brown?

Charlie,
What the hell have you been doing all this time?
Where's the lawyer?
I've got Soludo farting about sending me crap attachments, Gina Adamu sending me nothing at all, and some bunch of bank auditors claiming that I'm being ripped off!
Pull your weight, goddamit!
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
This message only proves exactly what I suspected - that you're trying to force me into using Gina Adamu's services.
Prove me wrong - send me her certificate, IN FULL, so that I can make my decision!
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr. Mark Williams

Another anti-corruption Lad enters the fray - same name, different outfit.
He's just another target to me!

02/05/06

NIGERIAN INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT ANTI-FRAUD UNIT
4TH FLOOR MARY LAND, LAGOS NIGERIA
MOTTO: SECURITY WATCH.
FROM THE DESK OF: DR Williams
DEPUTY:MRS. CAROL W. MARTINS
ATTN:Sir/Madam
RE: BE CAREFUL OF HOODLUMS.
Based on the finding in this investigastion department we wish to warn you against some touts.
Wehave been informed that some touts are contacting you in respect to the collection of your fund in the total sum of $35 Million U.S.A Dollars that was long approved in your favour through the Cental Bank of Nigeria.
As a matter of fact we have been on this investigation assignments for some time codely known to no one but the Presidency and some top government official who are in support of this investigation team to help stop fraudalent activities in this country.
Although we have been able to come up with some good result about the people that have extorted money from you illegally and i wish to list them so that you will personally indicate them by writting back because we want to make your payment to you without any delay but we must surely deal and bring this names to book ifonly you will indicate correctly any of them.
The names of the Touts that have been arrested are as follows:
1) PROF CHARLES SOLODO
2) CHIEF JOSEPH SANUSI
3) DR. R.RASHEED
4) BARRISTER AWELE
6) BARRISTER UCHEUZO WILLIAMS.
7) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Ebi Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
8) Mr. Tunde Lemo Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance / Board Member
9) Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia Deputy Governor - Corporate Services / Board Member

If that isn't political satire, what is?

The above listed names are been traced/investigated by the police and some of them have elope the country and note that if any of them is caught and find guilty he/she we go to jailed for 25 years (twenty five years) as it is under the Degree 47 of the constituition of this bank under section of criminal law. So we are waiting for you to write us and inform us if any of the above names have once contacted you in respect to the your fund if yes dont waste time to indicate it immediately.
Note that the only office/paying bank that have right to pay or contact you in this Transfer is the Cental Bank of Nigeria which is been headed by the bank Governor. You must deal directly with them and do what so ever you are asked to do because that is the only way you will achive the success of the transaction.
We applogise on behalf of the President and the people of Nigeria for any dealy and lost this most have coursed you and promise that such thing will not happenagain.And if you are dealing with any one of them regarding this payment we urge you to stop because you are taking a big risk and you never find your money any where because your money is with the above named bank.
Finally, we are expecting to hear from you today
Thanks for your good understanding while we wait for your urgent response to this mail.
Yours sincerely,
Dr. Mark Williams
The Investigation Officer (N.I.D)

Malcolm Reynolds

OK, let's see if I can confuse him early, put him off script

Dr Williams:
I am baffled by this message.
You tell me to cooperate with the governor of the Central Bank, and you vouched for him in an earlier message. Yet I see that man's name heading the list of touts!
Just what is going on here? And where is the identification you promised?
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr. Mark Williams

Maybe I did confuse him - this is just plain messy.

02/05/06

Dear Sir, I want to know if you are the right that this people take money from,if you are person all i want you to do is to go ahad come up with all the information regard in your fundthat you supose to cliam, so that we can make an arrangement on how to transfer the fund to you as the own of this fund, send your information so that i can forward it to the President, office by today,for notification of you ands your fund, and after that i will send you a form so that you can as well fill and i will send it to the Cental Bank, so that they can make transfer withing 24hours, Thanks and God Bless you. From Dr Mark Williams
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Williams,
Have you been drinking? This makes no sense.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams
03/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
Your mails in response refers.
I must first apologize for the belated reply, partly for me to understand why the transfer was initially refused and purely to be sure of the latest arrangement, as to be more meaningful.
Please take note that the presence of World Bank Auditors in the the circumstance do not preclude your previous commitment and as such we do not owe anyone any duty than to effect the transfer upon the necessary Exchange Control Clarification which we hereby attach for your completion.
Our relationship with Professor Charles Soludo of Central Bank of Nigeria is quite unimaginable and for anyone to brand it as imposter means the person himself is a fraudster not the professor and may be all these touts parading themselves in the internet to see where they can reap what they did not sow. Please complete the attached and return to us in due course.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Mark Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams,
I am confused by recent events.
First you are telling me that Professor Soludo is under suspicion, and soon to be under arrest; now you are vouching for him.
What's going on here?
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

Well, well - they've written Charlie out of the scam.

03/05/06

Sir,
Am sorry to let you know that Charles Brown was serious sick in the hospital.
Bear with him.
Mrs. Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mrs Brown,
I'm sorry to hear this news.
Will he be all right?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo

He sent the bar certificate again, now with only a tiny bit missing; but it's just not good enough!

03/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Here is her Certificate once again.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO

Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
I don't know how your office works as you can't work a simple scanner. Only half the document appeared.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

Oh, so that's what happened... what a shame. To get sick just when things were starting to go so well!

03/05/06

Dear Sir,
I just came back from Hospital and on the process, i saw your email. He was suffering from breakdown of Heart Attack. He keep telling me as his wife that the business he ventured all his money is trying to be taken away by somebody else and he mentioned your name in the process. Pls, can you let me know the picture of the business you and my husband is transacting.
Thanks you sir.
Mrs. Brown
Mark Williams

The Lad is a bit flustered... good to see.

04/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
For God sake, professor Charles Soludo as the Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria have never been interrupted by any of the security agents nor has he been under any threat to loose his job.He is the same man yesterday, today and by the grace of God will be the same man tomorrow.
You have to be very careful with whom you are dealing with to avoid being defrauded under a false pretence.As a World Bank initiated denbt payment project, complete the attached form to you last time and return to this office as soon as possible so that necessary actions could be taken.
I look forward to your reply shortly.
Regards.,
Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams:
Let's assume that your assessment of Professor Soludo is accurate - and I've no reason to doubt it, mind you - then I repeat an earlier question; why do I need to do business with you?
The bank has assured me that payment will be made in full in 7-10 working days; only a little over your timeframe.
The only advance payment required ($2550) was made to the bank's lawyer, Mrs Gina Adamu, after a proper invoice was supplied (the original cause of dispute). Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mrs Brown,
Let me assure you that I am not the one trying to take his money.
I am his partner in a venture with him that could net you both five million dollars. At the moment I am trying to deal with recalcitrant bank staff, a dubious lawyer, and two different groups of self-described anti-corruption officers.
I am confused by this, but determined to win through. How is Charlie's condition? Will he recover soon? I really need his help in hiring a lawyer acceptable to both of us.
Please send me news.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

When a scammer starts preaching against scams, the result is just... surreal.
And when he starts spouting vacuous clichés - well, the slaps just come harder.

05/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
I read your mail reply. Please I am working under the Government with the World Bank directves.Complete the form for me so that I can have access to process your fund transfer as directed.If you had made payment to anyone, that is your business for not being careful.Federal government of Nigeria in a joint effort with Central Bank of Nigeria have issued several warnings to International Communities about the social evil called SCAM and other syndicated internet crimes and the similar impersonation.
Please once more be assured that there is no other way to get your transfer except this way.Desist from story tellers because after 7-10 days like you said, you hear another story all in the manner to extort money from you again and again, endless.Normal bank transfer do not take more than 72 hours to confirm. Please ask your bank manager.
Truth is always bitter.But remember that I have told you this.Do not be a brother to Mr. too late.A stitch on time saves nine.
I hope to hearing from you shortly.
Yours truly,
Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams:
You're arguing against yourself.
You've assured me, twice now, that Professor Soludo is the real McCoy.
Let me quote you:

"Our relationship with Professor Charles Soludo of Central Bank of Nigeria is quite unimaginable and for anyone to brand it as imposter means the person himself is a fraudster not the professor and may be all these touts parading themselves in the internet to see where they can reap what they did not sow.... For God sake, professor Charles Soludo as the Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria have never been interrupted by any of the security agents nor has he been under any threat to loose his job. He is the same man yesterday, today and by the grace of God will be the same man tomorrow."

Now you're telling me that the people I'm doing business with are fraudsters. One of those people happens to be Professor Soludo.
You can't have it both ways. Either he is to be trusted, or he isn't. Make up your mind.
Oh, and for your information, the 7-10 days quoted was not merely for the transfer, but for Mrs Adamu to secure needed documentation.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

Anyone want to wager on Charlie needing costly treatment soon?

05/05/06

Dear Sir, My husband illness is becoming worst everyday and I don't know what to do. I just believe that he will get healed one day. He refused to talk to anybody again.
Thanks.
Mrs Brown
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
I regret to report that my business partner has been taken ill.
I will get back to you once I know that he is OK.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
It sounds as though he's powerful angry at someone. Please tell him that Malcolm Reynolds is going to do his best for him.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
06/05/06

Sir,
I have passed your message across to him but I put his situation in the hand of God. Thanks for your concern and your encouraging words to him. Ms. Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Williams, I assume that you can now explain what you want in a way that I can understand...
Will you please do that?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr. Mark Williams

The Doctor's back, and with a new ploy. He can certainly gather some high-level clout, apparently.

08/05/06

Attention: Sir.
SWIFT CREDIT CARD PAYMENT SYSTEM
Going by series of petition received from International Body on the way your inheritance fund was handled by our correspondense office .After Extentive close door meeting with Board of Directors and other Stake holders in the Government,Subcommittees of the House Of Assembly and the House of Rep , Federal Republic of Nigeria.
It was Resolved and Agreed upon that your HeritanceFund would be released on a special method of payment , which tag Name Reads SWIFT CREDIT CARD This method of payment is designed by the Government to avert fraud perpetration or stoppage of fund by Some Agencies.Either Through Anti Terrorist Certificate or other certificates.This Swift Credit Card would be issued to you upon meeting with the Bank Requirement.
This office, has Been Mandated to take charge of the Issuance of the SWIFT CREDIT CARD .And that your inheritance payment file should be passed to my desk for clarification .Upon
Certification that your file is ok.This Office would Direct you on how to receive your over Due inheritance fund via SWIFT CREDIT CARD.The SWIFT CREDIT CARD would be delivered to you via Courier.
In the light of this aforementioned, You are required to furnish this office with the following information.
YOUR FULL NAME====================ADDRESS==========================
YOU NEXT OF KIN NAME AND YOU DATE OF BIRTH
YOU TELEPHONE NUMBER AND FAX
This Informations would be used in openning of an account here .It's from here that the ATM would be used in issuanceof The SWIFT CREDITS CARD in your favour with the Credt card Number and all your information inserted into the card. Upon completion of this issuance of the Credit Card,It would be send to you via Courier to your residential Address.
Urgently furnish this office with your Contact information inorder to reconfirm if it's in line with the one contained inour payment data.
Be informed that your fund has been called back and it's now in a suspence Account here in Our Bank. A new Account has to be opened in your Name Before The Swift Credit Card is issued.
How much is fund you that is under on costudy, and how much has charles solodo taking from you,
so that we will add to the swift card,for your payment.
Waiting for an urgent response.
Yours FaithfullyDr Mark Williams
Malcolm Reynolds

Let's pretend to yield on the lawyer issue, just to keep things moving.

Professor Soludo:
My colleague, who was to have arranged for legal assistance in this matter, is unable to do so because of illness. I have no choice therefore but to accept Mrs Adamu in that role.
I will contact her to that effect.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mrs Adamu,
Circumstances dictate that I accept your services.
Please send an invoice for the required amount.
That is all.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

Oh, and it's time to slap the Doctor again.

Dr Williams,
The situation is getting intolerable. Is there any chance at all that you could maintain consistency?
First you tell me that Professor Soludo can be trusted. Now you say he can't.
First you tell me that a direct bank transfer will be arranged. Now you tell me it is to be via a couriered credit card. Then you ask me for my personal details AGAIN - why? I've sent them twice already! What do you use for data storage over there - sticky notes?
Finally, would you please decide if you're a Doctor or a plain Mister?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr. Mark Williams
08/05/06

ATTEN; Sir
Thanks for that questions you have just ask me,The reason why i said that this money will come to you through Swift Card, is becuase of the net scamers we dont wont them to found out that this candy of money is going out.
I just reciev an email from one of my clint who was like before,so he said that professor Charls solodo stole is money that is reason i told you that.
Talking about this swift card that i told you off you will have to fill the information followd the swift card so that we can prepy the money through the swift card and send it to you in home, as soon that is done you will take the swift card to the bank for your money. All you will do is to pay for the swift card feels and with the lese 24hours, you will reciev the swift card.
The amount is $480us so i will wait for your urgent reply on how you will make the payment to our office, This swift card will carry your name and your full information to show that you are the person to be beneficiray of this fund. The name you will use to send the money is bellow:
EROKWU CHARLESADDRESS LAGOS NIGERIA.
Send the money through this name so that we can make for an arrangement fast. I will wait to hear from you soon.
BEST REGRAD
DR. WILLIIAMS MARK
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Williams,
What is the matter with you?
You have sent me two messages to me today; one that praised Professor Soludo, and one that damned him. Either you have some form of split personality, or someone else in your organisation who shares your name is running his own agenda, or...
Perhaps you have a better answer. I sure as hell don't.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

He's getting desperate now in his attempts to win me away from the other group of Lads.

09/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
Unfortunately, you too seem to get me wrong. I remain to what I have earlier told you about Professor Charles Soludo as you have wrightly quoted in your reply.But the facts remain that the Professor Charles Soludo you are contacting with is not the one of Central Bank of Nigeria I know.The one of Central Bank of Nigeria is niether in the operations nor in the administration of how funds gets to the beneficiaries.He is only there as the figure head and can not in anyway enter into any correspondence/telephone discussion with any one of the beneficiaries of fund like you.
He supervises every activities of the bank according to the banking guidelines and reports back to the Government that appointed him.
Are you sure there are no impersonation because I am sure you are into wrong hands and by the time you realises this it will be late and if you then come back to me I may not assist anymore. Intelligently,ask your Soludo about his "Security Identification Number"?Your local bank manager can explain this to you that every authorized signature in the bank must possess this identification number.
Waiting to hear from you shortly.,
M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams,
Consistency at last! Well, only on the issue of Professor Soludo.
I see you're back to being Mister again. Why is that?
Let's assume for the moment that I do ask Professor Soludo for his "Security Identification Number".
What then? I have no idea what it should be. He could quote me any old number. Unless I know the right number, there's no point in asking the question.
Final note - would you still need the Form M104 for the Swift Credit Card deal?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
09/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
Acknowledgement of your message, take note that the payment details is as follows:
Via Western Union Money Transfer:
Receiver's Name: Mr. Mike Benson
Destination: Lagos Nigeria
Amount: US$2,550
Test Question: What for.
Test Answer: Payment.
Upon the payment of this fee, I will send you a copy of the payment receipt and all necessary clearance will be grant for the immediate transfer of your fund by C.B.N Governor.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Adamu:
The payment info is useless without an invoice. Please send one forthwith.
That is all.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
09/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Sorry for the late response, I have been very busy. Have you concluded everything with the Lawyer? Please notify me.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
Nothing to report as yet; you will be notified as necessary.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Pretty much what I expected - no invoice.

09/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
This is to informed you that we issue receipt after payment is made, So you expected to work with our mode of operation so that we can complete this your overdue inheritance claim.
Upon the payment of this fee, I will send you a copy of the payment receipt and all necessary clearance will be grant for the immediate transfer of your fund by C.B.N Governor.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
Malcolm Reynolds

Not acceptable, Gina.

Mrs Adamu,
With respect, you have forgotten a basic fact. I am the client, my wishes take precedence. You WILL supply an invoice for the fee, as required for legal purposes in this country.
That is all.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams
09/05/06

Dear Macolm Reynolds,
I can now read you well.
I am happy that you can understand the hand writing on the wall.Soludo is not a common officer in the bank and can not enter into any writing/telephone contact with anyone no matter your level as an individual.Therefore, when you said Soludo say I began to wonder how Soludo could stoop so low, hence my feeling of impersonation around you.
However,the form as per attached needs be completed to ensure a free and irrevocable transfer to your account.Please complete the form and return immediately so that processes would follow and the result of which shall be made known to you in due course. You can as well include your telephone number so that we can discuss further on the telephone.
Hoping to hear from you shortly.,
regards.,
M.Williams.

"[M]y feeling of impersonation around you" - is a Lad accusing me of deception? I'll never live it down!

Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
10/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
This is to acknowledge your email, Note that I will send you a legal guaranttee as soon as possible in this purpose.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr (or Mr) Williams,
I said nothing about the honesty of Professor Soludo.
What I said was that your supposed method of proving the Professor's bona fides was useless unless I knew the correct answer. Additional to that, he did not initiate the business; that was another person entirely.
But let's look to the matter of the form you sent me.
Suppose that I fill it out and return it to you; what then? Will you transfer the money at once, or will you insist on that SWIFT Card method? I'd really like to know. Will you insist on extracting a large sum from the account (over $475,000)? I'd really like to know that too.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mrs Adamu,
I hope that the guarantee has all the information required.
That is all.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Gina sends a bizarre "agreement".

11 May 2006 ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
Find attached the Letter of Guarantee as promised.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

That was your last chance, Gina!

Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Adamu,
This document is totally unacceptable.
It does not state what I am paying you for, and why, and how much. It imposes an arbitrary and pointless time constraint on the business. Finally, and most importantly, it is not an invoice, which is what I asked for, and which you were obliged to supply me!
I am dispensing with your services as of now, as you are incapable of following reasonable requests from me, your client. I shall inform Professor Soludo of this decision and request that another lawyer be appointed in your place.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

OK Professor, I want another victim lawyer!

Professor Soludo;
I have terminated Mrs Adamu's connection with this matter.
Her refusal to comply with very reasonable requests could not be tolerated any longer.
If necessary, you should appoint another lawyer.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

And while we're at it, remind him of that time frame...

Professor Soludo,
That's another four days.
You promised it would be done and dusted in ten days - four weeks ago. Why aren't you keeping your word?
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams
11/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds ,
Your prompt reply refers.
I do not subscribe to the idea of wasting time when you have seen the reality. Your mention of $475,548.00 is not strange to me.This is what is approved to be deducted officially and very much exclusive from what may be required to activate the transfer to your designated account.The balance of the whole sum shall be wired into your account as may be specified.
Therefore, complete the form and return so that an action will commence on it immediately to ensure that you receive your money as soon as possible.Meanwhile, you can reach me on phone while in U.K and to come back to Nigeria by the weekend:+447024064364.
Hoping to get the form duly completed.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Mr.M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams:
So the SWIFT card is no longer viable? It's direct wire transfer? Fine - but why the hell did you ever bring the card into it? The form will be with you presently.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

"Mark Williams" seems to be losing his cool...

12 May 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
I must keep reminding you that you were in a wrong hand before. I can not easily forget that I have not said anything about "swift card" as you have mentioned in your mail.To be honest with you, there is nothing called swift card in the banking indutries both in Nigeria and other countries of the world. Dont't be deceived further by the imposters.Try to have a change of focus for a quicker realisation of your hard earned contract sum duely outstanding.
Complete the form and return immediately.
Regards.,
M.Williams.
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

"Gina" decides to grovel.

13 May 2006

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
I was amazed when i receive a phone call from the Governor of C.B.N, say that i am legally delaying the transfer of their beneficiary and he mentioned your name,
Sir I apologies, I never knew that my secretary did not send the proformal invoice., I told him to send the letter of guarantee and the invoice. Please be patient with me, I will surely send the invoice as quickly as possible.
Hope my apology will be granted.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Mark Williams

Someone was going to play this card sooner or later...

16/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
Please what is your position because we are becoming short of time either to transfer the money to you or we return the fund to treasury. The fund shall be transfered to you based on your compliance to the requirements or we do the opposite.
Hoping to get your reply shortly,
M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds

I was out of contact for a week, so I decided to make it for an intensely personal reason. Like the Lads care...

Mr Williams,
I regret the delay in replying but I was in Washington attending the funeral of a former comrade from my Corps service. Some things are not put aside for any reason.
With reference to your email; if you didn't raise the Swift Card matter, then as I said before, either you are suffering from MPD and have been sending out emails while in an altered state (though usually alters have different names and personalities), or someone in your office is sending out messages in your name. I suggest you clear this matter up now.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Adamu,
I have asked that the bank nominate another lawyer. There is no point in further communication.
That is all.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
Why is it taking so long to find a new lawyer?
Your tardiness is very unprofessional.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams:
If you think you can cow me with bravado and bluster, forget it. I've dodged AAA and SAMs in a war zone. Some petty official with delusions of grandeur doesn't faze me for a second.
You never mentioned time constraints before, so don't try to bullshit me with some stupid timeframe issue. And you can't threaten to take away MY money and "return [it] to treasury" for the simple reason that it's MY money.
In any event, the real question is; which M. Williams are you?
Malcolm Reynolds

AAA - anti-aircraft artillery; SAMs - Surface-to-Air Missiles.

Malcolm Reynolds

Brief Mrs Brown on events...

Dear Mrs Brown,
I'm afraid that the business is still stalled thanks to the incompetence of the bank's lawyer, and the bank seems to have dug its heels in. So, no good news yet for poor Charlie. Shucks.
How is he? Please tell him I'm trying to get the deal done.
Best Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams:
I have attached a copy of Form M104.
Now do what you have to, and mind your manners.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds

I renamed a dll file M104.jpeg and sent it to him - a file he can't open...

Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Gina tries to buy back into the scam.

23/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
Sorry for the late response, I have been very busy with some officail duty outside city.
Find attached the requested invoice.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Malcolm Reynolds

Bad luck, Gina, missed your opportunity!

Mrs Adamu,
You are no longer employed in this matter. I have asked that the bank nominate another lawyer, though they have not yet done so.
There is no point in further communication.
That is all.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

Confusion seems to have set in. Hoo-rah!

23/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
I do not understand your frustrated mails.
The form you presume to have attached could not open.
Note that you are the architect of the delay and if it goes beyond this level I shall have no option than to return your money to the treasury. Please for God's sake send particulars of your contract so that we can promptly process the wire ransfer to your account.
Please let me have your telephone number with which to contact you for further explanations when needed. Complete the form and return immediately. Thanking you in anticipation of your reply.
M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds

I don't think he'll be thanking me for this reply.

Mr Williams,
This is getting beyond a joke.
I comply with your gorram directives and send you the filled-out form, and now it's my fault because your stupid computers can't open a simple attachment? Get your IT people onto it. Let the geeks earn their pay for a change.
No, I have delayed nothing. You were the one who dicked me around with your inability to decide on the method of payment - whether transfer or swift card. You've apparently forgotten the contact details I've sent to you TWICE already. You've developed the delusion that you can take MY money away from me because of some arbitrary time limit you suddenly imposed on this matter.
Finally, have you forgotten that "processing fee"? There is no way I'm sending you $1500 after all this bullshit.
Send me the contact details for your superiors. You've proved yourself to be totally unstable and unable to carry out simple tasks.
Do it now.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Gina tries again - a mix of grovelling and insulting.
That was supposed to achieve... what?

23/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
I guess you did not have money for the required charge.
Hope my apology will be granted.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Adamu,
I'm even more certain that I was correct to have sacked you, given the insulting tone of your previous message.
I am more than able to pay your fee many, many times over - but your poor attitude and constant unreliability made you totally unacceptable.
I accept your apology, but it does not change your status.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
24/05/06

Our Ref : CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04 ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M I have been advising that you use Barr. Gina Adamu not because i can't get another accredited lawyer, but because i know she is capably and her charges are limited to that of this new lawyer who have many client already and have made name in the legal system. But since you have choosen to sack her, i will not kick against it, here is the contact details of the new Lawyer.
John Chambers
Barr. John Smith
Email: revjohnsmith@consultant.com
Tel:00234-8026816363.
Go ahead and contact him, But I am centain that this lawyer fee is on the high side, But I still have confidence in him.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds

Time to contact the second lawyer Lad...

Dear Mr Smith,
Professor Charles Soludo of the Central Bank of Nigeria has recommended that I contact you on an inheritance matter. Have you been briefed on this issue? Please confirm.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

Doesn't this Lad ever give up??

24/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
I assure you I will handle your transaction very well this time, Please grant me the opportunity Sir.
I sincerely apologies.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Adamu,
Professor Soludo expressed support for you but nonetheless recommended that I contact another lawyer, one John Smith.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
I am not happy with your tardiness in addressing this issue.
I hope you won't be as slow in dealing with other matters that might arise.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).

No, (s)he doesn't!

24/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
PAYMENT TRANSACTION AUTHORIZATION
I am pleading you to grant me the opportunity to work for you Sir.
Anticipating your immediate response.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Barr. Gina Adamu (Mrs).
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Adamu:
Professor Soludo nominated another lawyer.
There's no place for you in this business, so stop pestering me!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
24/05/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

I'm sorry about my slowiness, but I would have advised you work with the lady lawyer, so that we can conclude this transaction as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
Mrs Gina Adamu shares much of the blame for all the delays - I hope that Mr John Smith can do a better job.
Regards
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

Mark Williams tries to regain control...

25/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds ,
I read your mail with thanks.
Unfortunately, I have not asked you to give me any money talk more of $1500 you mentioned in your mail.Honestly, I am prepared to help you.For now I am the only one and superior officer in this latest arrangement.
Now I would like you to make arrangement to send $1,780.69 to enable me to activate the transfer of fund to your designated bank account. You should therefore send particulars of your bank information so that I can proceed immediately to effect the transfer . Please enclose your telephone number so that you can be contact at will without the stress of going to the internet.
I look forward to your reply shortly.
Yours truly,
M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams,
So you never asked me for money.
Then explain this!

"All you will do is to pay for the processing fees and with in 24hours, you will reciev the swift card. The amount is $1500us so I will wait for your urgent reply on how you will make the payment to our office, This swift card will carry your name and your full information to show that you are the person to be beneficiary of this fund. The name you will use to send the money is EROKWU CHARLESADDRESS LAGOS NIGERIA. Send the money through this name so that we can make for an arrangement fast."

This arrived under your name on Monday. Do you remember it now?
And with your original warning about "irrelevant charges" I'm not happy with this crap about $1,780.69 you suddenly want. What the hell is this for?
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

So what are the Lads after now? Payment of medical fees? Plane tickets?

25/05/06

Dear Sir,
My husband situation still remain the same.
If only you can complete the project as you have said, I will suggest at the end you invite me and my husand to visit your country so that you can take him to a good hospital for immediate medical treatment because his health at present is very critical.
Thanks for everything, God be with you.
Mrs. Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds

Any chance I can get them to try for a fake doctor?

Dear Mrs Brown,
I'd be happy to do just that, provided he's healthy enough to travel. Have your doctor send me your husband's details and I can make inquiries.
I'm afraid to say that what with incompetent lawyers and auditors making trouble, this deal is giving me a lot more trouble than I could ever have expected.
Best wishes to you both,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

Now this Lad is trying to get the documents that the other Lads sent me. Is he short on props?

26/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
Insurance Indemnity is a principal factor placed by the World Bank against credit demands by the fund beneficiaries.Therefore it is believed that real owners of fund must secure their fund in lieu of transfer.This legitimises the operation and guides the transferor from any shrtcomings. In your file over here you have no contract awarding certificate and it's corresponding contract completion certificate and as such we have no power according to the laid down rules to deduct from source. And if you can have them please send them immediately so that we can deduct premium for the Indemnity protection in the transaction.
Hoping to hear from you shortly.
M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams,
What the hell is a "credit demand by fund beneficiaries" and why is it such a bad thing? If you don't have the contract certificates, why are we even having this gorram conversation in the first place?
What payment would you want anyway - is it the $1500 one or the $1780.69 one?
Make up your gorram mind!
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

So now I have to travel?

26/05/06

Dear Sir,
Thanks for your concern.
Pls, tell me when you will come to see my husband so that you can see things yourself of what am telling you via email.
Thanks.
Mrs. Brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mrs Brown,
I must say this has taken me by surprise - what could be gained by my coming there?
If Charlie is to get treatment here and you want to set things up for him, I'll need something for DIMIA, and for locating the right hospital or clinic.
Please give me his doctor's email contact if nothing else, or ask the doctor to email me (as you may know, the telephone service here is very unreliable).
I'll send you updates when I have any news.
Best wishes,
s Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

Where is that new lawyer?

Professor Soludo:
Your choice of John Smith as lawyer is not exactly boosting my confidence.
He's had five days to consider my message and he hasn't had the decency to give me even a simple acknowledgment!
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo

Soludo tries to get me back to Gina Adamu. That's not going to happen...

30/05/06

Our Ref : CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04 ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

I told you that is a very busy lawyer, I prefer you continue this transaction with Barr. Gina Adamu.
Yesterday was a public holiday here in Nigeria. He is high lawyer is services is been required by many people.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
Do not lie to me. You said nothing about John Smith's workload, only about his costs.
I do not want Mrs Adamu as she showed herself to be incompetent.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

Amid all the bad formatting are some quite complex phrases, looking confused and trying desperately to get out.

31/05/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds ,
I read your mail reply with thanks.
Unfortunately, I could not follow up immediately because of the weekend and the public holiday, hence the little delay in my reply.Please bear with me.
The issue of contract awarding and completion certificates missing in your whole file is unbelievable.It is nothing to write home about. But from my stand-point amongst other things, I quite presume that something might be wrong somewhere and probably this might be the reason why the transfer payment was initially delayed, hence the long outstanding.
Since there is a glaring disappearance of these certificates from your file,I require you to send the sum of $1780.69 for insurance indemnity which will as well cover the certificates in question.I will give you the name to send the money by western union money transfer when you ready so that the transfer to you will be activated at prompt. Alredady, I have initiated my firm desire to help you hoping that you might be grateful afterwards. I look forward to receiving your reply shortly.
Yours truly,
M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams,
I know where the gorram contract documents are - ask Professor Soludo! He has them, and he's been quoting the complete file number on every email - CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04.
Why the hell don't you boneheads talk to each other?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

What's with the Bible reference? Can't see the relevance...

01/06/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
I receive your mail.
I can not understand why you have not resolved from doing away with imposters.Your detailed file number is not to my interest nor the interest of the world bank auditors.
To your tenths oh Israel,so said the holy book.Note that henceforth I would not be in the position again to advise you on the way forward to realise your fund. Continue hinging your believe on the fake contacts you have so called Soludo.The real Soludo of central bank of Nigeria can not and will not communicate you over this issue.He is a man of substance and on whose name alone the economy of Nigeria rest.So do not deceive yourself any longer. I have no business with Soludo. I only had business with world bank and on whose interest I am trying to protect.
You only abide by the laid dawn rules as explained to you or you forget it.
M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Williams,
What the hell has 10% of Israel got to do with this?
Listen carefully. I have done what you wanted and sent you the form. You have all the details you requested. You sure as hell haven't given me any rules to follow - in fact you haven't given me anything coherent to follow. Until you get yourself sorted out there's nothing more that can be done.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
John Smith may be a busy man, but even a busy man can take the time out to write a simple acknowledgment!
If this is in fact some form of ploy to force me to accept the services of Gina Adamu, then have the guts to come clean!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Barrister Smith, It has been a week now since I contacted you with a request for your services. You have not replied. Is this the way you treat your prospective clients? Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds ===================================================================== This is in fact sent to Mr Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Williams,
The money has been sent as agreed. Please send the Swift Card ASAP.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
John Smith

At last! And yes, his fees are higher.

03/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
I have made all verifications of your inheritance payment with Central Bank Of Nigeria. You are to obtain the followings: Affidavit Clearance Certificate and my Legal Service Charge before your funds will be remitted to your nominated account.
Take note of the cost of the above mentioned.
The Affidavit Clearance Certificate (A.C.C) cost USD4,200 (FOUR THOUSAND , TWO HUNDRED USD) and the Value Added Tax for obtain this Affidavit from the High Court is cost USD340 (THREE HUNDRED AND FOURTY USD) this fees is mandatory and must be paid before clearance is granted.
Meanwhile, my legal service charge is calculated to be USD18,420 (EIGHTEEN THOUSAND, FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY USD)Only, firstly 50% of this charge will be paid upfront before i commence my legal practice and the balance of 50% will be paid within three (3) days of your funds arrival in your account.
Upon your readiness to this payment let us know so that we can furnish you with details.
We shall complete your clearance job within 2/3 working days after the payment of the fee.
Yours Sincerely,
Barr. John Smith. N.B. I have sent you this message many days ago, I wonder if you did not receive from other box, that is why i am now resending via my yahoo id. Please I am sorry for the delay.
Malcolm Reynolds

What's good for Gina is good for John.

Mr Smith,
Before we proceed; please send a copy of your bar certificate.
As I explained to Professor Soludo when discussing your predecessor, engaging a barrister to work on ex partite matters is an important matter, and I want to ensure that I can have complete confidence in you. Do so now please.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

Have I hit a raw nerve?

03/06/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
I am replying your mail based on the information your said that you have sent the money.How do you send money to an unknown name?Have I in anyway given you the name for western union money transfer?I hope you are not trying to crack some jokes?If you actually want to send the money please let me know so that I can give you the name to pay to.This is a serious matter and I would like to play on it.
Regards.,
M.Williams.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Williams,
I sent the money to this address:
EROKWU CHARLES
LAGOS NIGERIA
It was as per your message.
This is not a joke, I'm serious.
Do your job, send the gorram card, and stop wittering on like some girlie-man.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
John Smith finally got in touch - FINALLY! I've asked him to send me his credentials - it seems only fair, given that I demanded the same from Mrs Adamu. I'll be in touch when he's complied.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams
05/06/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds ,
I read your mail again with disinterest. I can now imagine why you have not received your money for such a long time.I found out that you do not tell yourself the simple truth.If you are actually telling yourself the truth, go and send the money I ask you to send for me to do the job or you please stop writing me further mails.
Send the money to: DANIEL ALOZIE,21 DAVIES STREET , LAGOS, NIGERIA. If you are sure that you sent such money, recall it and resend it to the named otherwise I will brand you a liar will bring out time to send your money back to treasury for the mere reason of evidence of want.
Thank you .
M.Williams.

So I'm the one who's not being truthful? Chutzpah plus!

Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Williams,
I know who the liar is, and it certainly ain't me.
The money was collected; I confirmed that, so you must have received the test question and answer.
You are the only one I sent the details to.
You are now a proven thief and liar as you claim to know nothing about the money.
It's a shame that your no doubt promising career has to end in such squalid circumstances. I am sending your details to the World Bank and I expect to hear that you have been sacked, and arrested for theft.
Good-bye, Doctor Williams, and I hope they lock you up for twenty years.
Professor Soludo, despite your obloquy, has been far more cooperative and polite.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Smith

John Smith sends his bar certificate... well, most of it...

05/06/06

Attention:Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
Here is the requested call to Bar Certificate for your perusal. Endeavor to reply upon receipt.
Yours Sincerely,
Barr. John Smith.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
The scan is incomplete - only about half of it is visible.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
05/06/06

Our Ref : CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04
ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M
I got your message is alright.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
BANK GOVERNOR; Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).
John Smith

Second try, mostly complete, but I'm not going to tell him that!

05/06/06

Attention: Mr.Malcolm Reynolds,
Here is the attached again.
John Smith.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
I don't honestly know if it'd be your hardware or software at fault, but it cut off at EXACTLY the same place! What make of scanner are you using, and what software?
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
I don't know what it is with the lawyers you recommend, but why did they both have to have crappy office scanners? It's not making thing easy!
Malcolm Reynolds
John Smith

I have no doubt that the first sentence is true. That's a rare event!

06/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
Honestly Sir, I don't about software. Comply with the requirement as quickly as you can, so that i will completed the legal procedure on your payment.
Thanks,
Barr. John Smith.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
When someone intends to charge me $23,000, I want something to prove they've got the goods. So far you haven't done that. Get that bar certificate to me in one piece!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mark Williams

This Lad's all but at the end of his tether... and still thinks that somehow I'm the one to blame for all this. And for sheer blatant hypocrisy, the bit about "dirty and illegal ambition to reap where you did not sow" takes the cake, plate, tin and mixing-bowl.

06/06/06

Investigations reveal you as an impost er.It is unfortunate that you have accepted to be used by dubious people who parade themselves as soludo.I wish you and them all the best.One day the law will find it's course.I will not cause you because you are already frustrated by your dirty and illegal ambition to reap where you did not sow.From now till thy kingdom come you will not receive your illicit fund since all things about you are full of lies.
BYE-------------------------------------
Malcolm Reynolds

Let's part on a positive note.

Mr or Dr Williams,
Well, if I'm am impostor, why don't you do something about it, BOY? Huh? What's that? Oh, I forgot, you can't because you're going to be arrested and locked up for theft and fraud.
How the mighty have fallen. One day cock of the walk, the next a feather duster.
Speaking of cocks, you'd better learn to like the taste, bum-boy, I hear gaol's a nasty place for jumped-up pen-pushers who fall from grace.
When they drill your ass, try not to smile too much...
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Smith

Meanwhile, back at the lawyer...

07/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
I have been sending several messages to people through this means, So I wonder why, yours has been a different issue.
Give me your FAX NUMBER as quickly as possible, so that i will Fax the document to you urgently.
Thanks,
Barr. John Smith.
Malcolm Reynolds

Ignore the fax, just give him a slap and keep on.

Mr Smith,
I don't want your gorram excuses, I want action!
The sooner you get me that certificate, the sooner things get done!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

Hang on - another one?

07/06/06

Dear Friend
This letter is written to you in order to change your life from today. I am Mr. John Aboh the Director, International Remittance Department of this Bank, my Boss, Mr. Jacobs M. Ajekigbe, the Managing Director/CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me to make all international payments.
Also, due to reported cases of corrupt practices in other Nigeria Banks including the Central Bank of Nigeria, the Federal Government has revoked/cancelled all power vested on those banks and has appointed our bank (First Bank of Nigeria) to make all foreign payments.
Be informed that the Federal Government have approved the release of part-payment of US$5.7 Million out of your total funds, which has been in this bank for many years unclaimed because my boss Mr. Jacobs Ajekigbe, collaboration with the Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) have refused to tell you the truth on how to claim your fund this is because he has been using the interest accumulated from your fund every year to enrich himself without your knowledge. I want to help you pull out this fund to your bank account using the easiest and the quickest method, which have not been made known to you before. By this method, you will open a domiciliary account with this bank (First Bank of Nigeria), your fund would be lodged into this domiciliary account and your fund will be paid in directly to any bank of your choice.
After the transfer, you will confirm the fund in your bank account within 5hours the same day. No Cost of Transfer (COT) and no stoppage from any Government departments as the transfer will be done within the bank alone and it is very safe. The method which was introduced to you before is the Telegraphic Transfer (TT) for which confirmation was 48hrs, because of the time factor, petitions could come from various organizations stopping your payment and asking you to pay huge fee which would be difficult for you to pay so that they can benefit from the huge interest your fund generates while still in the Bank. This method is not safe for you because it is not done within the bank alone as information of the payment would be sent to the Central Control Unit (CCU) of the Federal Ministry of Finance and office of the Accountant General of the Federation.
As a good Christian, I have nothing to gain by keeping your fund, I want to assist you receive your fund before my boss resumes office. You have to follow up and work with me now, so keep this very confidential because of fraudsters and impostors who go about presenting various bank accounts in order to divert another beneficiary's fund. Confirm to me through this e-mail address johnaboh9@o2.pl, your present/valid account co-ordinates and amount to be claimed so that I do not transfer your fund to the wrong Bank Account.
Awaiting your quick response.
Yours truly,
MR. JOHN O. ABOH

He put his head over the parapet, he's a target... Let's see if he falls into line.

Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mr Aboh,
Action at last! I thought they'd never choke off that gorram Mark Williams. I hope they put that little weasel away for twenty years. If your boss was posing as Professor Soludo, that too would make sense. That asshole was always ducking and weaving when I asked him for information and updates. At least I know now what he was up to! So, what happens next?
Malcolm Reynolds
John Smith
08/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
Please contact PROF:CHARLES SOLUDO, I have forwarded my details including my Call to barr to him.
Thanks,
Barr. John Smith.

John Smith too has a bad attitude - slap!
"[T]wepped" - Terminated With Extreme Prejudice.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
Professor Soludo is not your gorram messenger boy!
I don't like your attitude - you are supposed to be a professional of long standing, but as it stands right now it looks like you couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time. So - send your certificate to me, or this deal has a very good chance of getting twepped before it even gets off the ground!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh
09/06/06

Malcolm Reynolds
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail and to inform you that you are requested to forward your full contact address, your full banking details, your phone and faxline. Upon the receipt of the above mentioned information, we shall open the domiciliary account for you here in our bank, the approved US$5.7M will be paid into this newly opened account for onward transfer to your nominated bank account. This method was introduced to check the demand for huge amount of money as bank charges including Cost of Transfer COT, telex charge etc. Also it is quicker easier and safer. With this domiciliary account, you are not required to pay any bank charges.
Therefore, forward the requested information as quickly as possible
Waiting for your quick response,
MR. JOHN O. ABOH.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Aboh,
You don't have that info already? Why not? It should be on file with the CBN. What didn't you get those details from them? Also, before anything else, I want guarantees that those crooks have been arrested. From what you say - and what I've gathered - enough damage has been done already.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
What the hell has got into John Smith?
I give him a mild rebuke for sending his bar certificate wrongly and all of a sudden you are his designated messenger boy! Is this normal behaviour with the Nigerian legal profession?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
Have you received anything from Barrister John Smith? If so, I suggest you delete it and tell him, from me, to send the certificate to me, and not to use you as a gorram postman!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo

Another attempt to set a time limit...

12/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

I got a message from Barrister John smith and the message he copied me, I will forward it in my next mail to you. What is happening, the document is very readable here on my side, what happened at your end? Is the document clear. Note that time is no body's friend and really have no time now as this section payment is coming to an end, Please try and get the clearance from him so that i will be authorize to remit the funds to your account.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
For God's sake think before you type - if his gorram bar certificate was clear why the Sam Frick would I have been complaining about it to him?
You say that "[we] really have no time now as this section payment is coming to an end" - what the hell are you talking about? The money is mine, so why the sudden time limit? Explain this at once!
Malcolm Reynolds
John Smith
14/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
I am amazed of your silentiness, confirm if you want me to handle your payment file or not, because i have sent the document severally.
Barr. John Smith.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
Professor Soludo said that he would send it to me, and he hasn't done that! Your intervention has turned into a complete Charlie Foxtrot.
I will contact you when something is gorram well figured out. Just don't hold your breath!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds

"Charlie Foxtrot" - a clusterfuck.

Professor Charles Soludo
14/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M

Thanks for your mail,
Why i mention that there is no much time on our side, is because this payment have allocated this quarter payment and in each payment there are categories bondiong them, I really wanted us to get this finalize in this section.
Try your best to have good understanding with Lawyer and also i instruct him to resend the Barr certificate once more, But you can give him your fax number to fax the document to you.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
You said,

"this payment have allocated this quarter payment and in each payment there are categories bondiong them"

- WTF? I really don't understand what you're talking about.
You said you'd send me a copy of John Smith's bar certificate. Why haven't you done that?
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
Tell me this:
[1] What duties are you required to perform for this transaction?
[2] Is the fee quoted - $22,960 - the complete sum you'll be charging?
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

Meanwhile... where the hell is John Aboh?

Mr Aboh,
What's going on? Do you still want those details? I've heard nothing from you about action against those assholes in the CBN.
Why haven't you kept me informed?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

First, he's gone all terse...

17/06/06

i have told you to forward your details to me.
John
John Aboh

... and he's changed email addresses.

17/06/06

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
write me with this emails address johnaboh14@yahoo.com that is my new email address and forwar you details to that email address.
John
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith:
Your tardiness is unbelievable. Do you treat all your clients with this much disdain?
Either answer my questions or consider yourself no longer working for me. That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Aboh,
Until I know that the criminals at the CBN have been dealt with I'm sending nothing.
As well, I have no proof of your bona fides. Send me such at once.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo:
I am losing patience with John Smith. Since he doesn't seem to want to talk to me, tell him from me that he has two days to answer my questions or he can move his gorram ass the hell out of my business.
Capisce?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

About the shortest Lad message ever, as far as I'm concerned.

20/06/06

ok less wait till than
Malcolm Reynolds
Fine.
John Smith
20/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
I am sorry for the late response, take note that is the only required fee to concluded this transaction.
Sincerely,
Barr. John Smith.
Malcolm Reynolds

OK - will he match Gina's tariff?

Mr Smith,
There is another lawyer who will perform the duties for $18,000.
Match this or you're off the case.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Smith
20/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
I will assist you on that,
Do go ahead and send the fee $18,000 so that manager it and perfect all legal procedures of this transaction.
Regards,
Barr. John Smith.
Malcolm Reynolds

John, John, you thought this was going to be the end of it?

Mr Smith,
Hold it right there, pardner, it ain't that easy! Nothing gets sent without an invoice.
You know the drill, right?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Charlie and Mrs Brown,
I've done wrong by both of you in not writing. What's happened? Charlie, are you any better? Let me know quickly. I think we have a breakthrough.
Best Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

As I feared - it's becoming a simple plea for cash.

23/06/06

sir,
my husband is serious ill, he is not responding to treatment, a medical doctor advice that we should fly him out of the country for quick medical treatment. i cannot fly him out of the country because his hope to get money did not come as he told me at the early stage when the sickness wasn't much and it is getting worse on daily bases.
if there is anyway you can help him financially to fly to your country for a medical treatment, that will be your contribution as your business partner because he told me that he has a transaction with you that even though he is dead, he told me that you will give me some money that i will use to take care of his children for him.
thanks for your understanding sir.
mrs. brown.

DIMIA = Department of Immigration, Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
This is very sad.
I contacted DIMIA (that's the Australian INS) for advice last time we spoke, and the long and short of it is that a visa for Charlie on medical grounds is quite feasible, but it would be just for him. You and the kids would have to apply separately... and these days DIMIA is even worse than the INS.
You'll have to approach the Australian embassy with the medical documentation and get me on record as a sponsor. Let me know what they say. It would be a major boost if you could get the doctor to contact me so that I could arrange things at this end too.
Charlie never got round to telling me about his family. Tell me about the children.
Best Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Smith,
Send that invoice to me within two days or you are FIRED.
Do you understand me?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
26/06/06

sir,
i just recieved email you sent today. the health situation of my husband is very bad. he is sounded by life machine and the only help you can render to me is to help me send money for my ticket including my husband ticket money and tell me how to locate you in Australia so that i can bring him along with me. the medical doctor that is taking care of my husband told me that he is very busy and cannot be able to contact you at this time and to tell you the truth, my husband can die anytime but i believe your help can safe life if only you can help me to send money for the ticket of both myself and my husband.
pls, i need your urgent reply.
mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
This is very distressing - and believe me, I want to help you and Charlie. But there's no way that I can do anything without cooperation from you.
I've run headlong into bureaucracy - and I might have destroyed Iraqi tanks and Somali technicals, but pen-pushers can't be cracked open by Hellfires.
Simply put, DIMIA want details. You have to send me Charlie's personal details - name, age, occupation, residential address, and so on. I have some of those already; but I have to get them absolutely right. I then need details of Charlie's condition, and a certificate from the doctor to that effect. They also want ident from Charlie and the doctor's professional details. Once I have all these things, I can sort out the hospital here (most likely in Melbourne), and see about a flight here.
Charlie will need a visa - contact the Australian embassy ASAP.
I'll need a few days at least - perhaps by Friday.
Tell Charlie that I'm on his side and I'll see him right.
Best wishes,
Malcolm Reynolds

"Technicals" are armed trucks used by Somali militias.

Mrs Brown

Charlie Brown was a Government Minister once. Now all of a sudden, he's dirt poor...

27/06/06

sir, am a woman and you should know what am facing when my husband is half alive and half dead. all you have asked me to give to you is very stressing at this point when am alone with my husband in the hospital. can you be able to send me only 600$ in order to enable me pay to somebody that will help me look after my husband in the hospital as well get all the information you have requested within 2 working days. if you can do this, it will show me that you care for your friend charlie, the good you will render to your friend is what somebody else will do for you in the time of difficulties. i will direct you on how to send the money when you request from me.
from mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I'm not asking you for this information because I'm some sort of asshole. I'm doing it because without that info, Charlie won't be getting that help.
I can't believe that you have to hire help at the hospital. What about the nurses? What the hell are they doing? The doctor can't refuse you the information that I'm asking for - what possible excuse could he have? Send me the details and I'll get the money to you. I don't want Charlie to stay in a place like that any longer that necessary!
Best Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
27/06/06

sir, pls don't bother helping my husband because you never believed me and whatsoever i said will not please you. if my husband die today, may his soul rest in perfect peace but remember that the good you do to your business partner will never die. sir, pls don't bother yourself helping him, if God says he will leave good and if he dies here in the hospital thank God. bye for now mrs brown.

"Mrs Brown" has the wrong end of the pineapple. No problem.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I truly understand that you're in deep distress. But nothing has prepared me for your refusal to accept my help. Do you truly love your husband? Do you care that your children will soon be fatherless because you declined my offer of assistance?
Will you tell them that a Good Samaritan came on the scene, but you drove him away?
When I said "send me your details", I meant the information for sending money. I understand how you must have mistaken my offer. But it does not excuse your insult to my honor.
Best Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

Goodbye, John...

Mr Smith,
No more deadlines. You're fired.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
I have fired John Smith for repeated disobedience.
I really don't know what to do next. Do you have any ideas?
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
29/06/06

sir,
in no circumstance i insulted you in my email. the condition of my husband has frustrated my plans but i still believe that if only you can help me. things will be better.
i believe you have family and you are a man, you will know how a woman will feel when the husband is about to die which i don't want to become a single parent but your help financially can make a difference.
below is the details when you want to send money to me through western union money transfer.
the name of reciever:- Mike Okafor
address:- 15a, Awolowo way, Ikeja Lagos, Nigeria.
text question? what for?
answer? health.
send me the sender's details as follows:-
name of sender's............................
address:...........................................
control number:..................................
amount sent:......................................
God almighty will not stop blessing every work of your hands for knowing that a friends of yours need your help in life and you will never lack in your endeavour in life. a proverbs says that a friend in need is a friend indeed. I know you are friend that answers at the right time.
am looking forward to recieve your email with the details of payment.
thank you sir,
mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
We can argue later about what you did (or did not) say. In the meantime, I'm going to the Western Union office today.
I don't have a family - yet. The closest I've come to knowing your anguish is seeing comrades die. I flew a damaged Cobra gunship 70 miles with my weapons officer screaming in agony after a cannon shell blew open the canopy and blinded him.
I am not a monster; I am a man with feelings. I will do my duty to you and to Charlie.
I'll be in touch this afternoon or evening.
Best wishes,
Malcolm Reynolds

The wounded weapons officer reference is from YOU ARE A GREAT PILOT.

Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
I will once again try to get you to do your gorram job - and you can stop farting about with deadbeat ambulance chasers.
Tell me what you need to get the job done, RELIABLY AND PROMPTLY. My business partner is extremely ill and I owe it to him, and his family, to complete this transaction.
Reply immediately. I want no more of your tardiness.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

It's time for a new delay method.

Mrs Brown,
I was at the Western Union office here, and there's a minor holdup.
There's some sort of list of Restricted countries (I saw Nigeria, Russia and the Philippines, among others) where Western Union has some sort of special requirement for recipients. Not only do they want name and address, they also want, specified ahead of time, two types of ID, with the serial numbers of those IDs to be recorded before the transfer goes ahead.
You'd better tell Michael Okafor to pass on the details of his ID soonest.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

I did say TWO forms of ID...

30/06/06

sir,
your effort is very appreciated by me and the God good of Heaven will continue to meet you at every point of your needs in life as your heart is out to save the soul of your very good friend that is about to die.
below is the ID NO of Mr. Mike Okafor
L/NO:- APP4610AA1
sir, his name is Mr. Mike Okafor. he will help me to pick up the money from Western Union office and immediately i recieve the money, i will send email to you quickly.
thank you sir for your kindness and God almighty will continue to bless you always.
thanks.
mrs. brown.

note: pls remember to send me details of payment including sender's name and address and the money sent.
Professor Charles Soludo

John Smith needs Soludo to plead his case. At least Gina Adamu wrote on her own behalf...

30/06/06

Our Ref : CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04 ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M


I got your message is alright.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO BANK GOVERNOR; Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
What kind of gorram answer is that? It's nothing! I want action, not stupid bromides!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I know this is a bad time, but it isn't enough.
Mike Okafor needs to have two different forms of ID, and you have to tell me what they are (national ID, passport, driving license, whatever) as well as their numbers.
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
30/06/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M


I hate when people write without respect,
I called John Smith yesterday who confirmed to me that you were sending commanding messages, I pleaded on your behalf,
I want you to rewrite him right now and unfired message so that he will send the invoice to you to enable complete this transaction as is very paramount.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
If you don't like a lack of respect - well, you only get it if you earn it. You haven't.
If John Smith objects to receiving commanding messages, then what the hell is he doing practising as a lawyer? As his client I have the right to demand his services! He failed to deliver, time and time again!
And no, I will not reconsider this. John Smith was fired with good reason, and I will not rehire him for any reason.
I didn't ask you to plead on my behalf. I told you to hire a competent lawyer.
Get on with it.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

Even worse numeracy than normal...

30/06/06

sir,
the identification number i gave to you is Mike Okafor driving license. he came to the hospital today because i told him that you will send money so that he can help me get it out from Western Union. he will check back by 3:00pm today because bank closes by 4:00pm.
thanks for your concern.
pls, send me all the details of payment.
mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
It's TWO forms of identification.
I'm afraid that just one isn't enough.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
01/07/06

sir,
the only identification he has is what i gave to you and nothing more. if it is the will of God that you will help your friend without finding excuses that is good but if it is not the will of God, let it be for help must come one day.
have a nice day and never forget that one good turn deserves another.
bless you.
mrs brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I don't make the rules. If you won't obey them, there is nothing that I can do. Sincere regrets,
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
Thanks to you, my colleague Charlie Brown is likely to die with our business unfulfilled, leaving his wife and children to pick up the pieces.
I wonder how you can sleep well at nights, knowing that you've not kept faith with Mrs Brown and the family.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
05/07/06

Our Ref : CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04
ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M


Tell me what exactly you want me to do now,
do I hand the legal procedures myself.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
Do whatever you can - but if you could have handled this from the git-go, then I'm going to be gorram ropeable, after those deadbeat courtroom hacks we had to put up with!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Tunde Lemo

John Aboh has forgotten who he is...

06/07/06

I write to acknowledge the receipt of your mail and to inform you that I am very sorry for replying you so late.
I also wish to inform you that those information are very important for the opening and activation of the domiciliary account which we are to open on your behalf here in our bank before the transfer of the fund could be made to your bank account.
You are therefore, advised to forward to me through this e-mail address, your full name and address, your full banking details, your phone and fax number (if any), this will enable us open the account for you here in our bank while the US$5.7M will be paid into this newly opened domiciliary account for onward transfer into your own bank account in your Country or any Country of your choice either in whole or in bits.
Be informed that this method cost less, it is safer, quicker and easier.
Best Regards,
MR. TUNDE LEMO.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Lemo,
Why is John Aboh not handling this? Have you arrested the criminals at the CBN or not? And why do I have to accept a $1.8 million loss?
My details are:
Name: Malcolm Paul Reynolds
Address: 2/33 Stuart Drive, Alice Springs, Northern Territory, Australia;
Home phone: 9347 8666
Bank: Commonwealth Bank (Australia)
Account Name: Mr Malcolm P Reynolds
Bank Account No: G641 937 424
I expect some faster action than you've provided so far!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

But now he's back...

06/07/06

ATTN: Mr. Malcolm Paul Reynolds
I receive your mail, I am very sorry for the embarrasament you went through in the hand of these selfish individuals in Nigeria.
The first paragraph of my initial letter to you reads like this

"This letter is written in order to change your life from today"

The entire Management is very serious about this.Be informed that the domiciliary account has been opened for you today; The bank is First bank of Nigeria Plc, the account number is 1004284670, the Routing number is 50173892, the Swift code is FBNNIGDA, while the account name is Malcolm Paul Reynolds
It is due to the huge fees usually requested from beneficiaries by the bank and other related Ministries concerned that make the Management decided to make your payment through the opening of a domiciliary account to make it easy for us in order to credit your bank account within 48hours since the domiciliary account is regarded as foreign account in Nigeria.Many other creditors who have also been defrauded like you have accepted this method and the fact that they have lost a lot of money to fraudsters do not stop them from opening the domiciliary account by making a minimum deposit of US$300 as required by this bank. They are now happy because they have finaly receive their fund.
What we required from you now is to forward the sum of US$300 to activating the domiciliary account as every account opened must be activated. Once we receive the $300, the account will be activated for you immediately and your fund will be paid into it for onward credit your bank or any bank of your choice. Confirmation of this fund is only 5hrs. No cost of transfer, No stoppage from any Ministry or Government Agency because the transfer is carried out within this bank alone.
Another beauty of this Domiciliary account is that you will be given your Account number in Nigeria and a check book so that if you come to Nigeria, you can make a withdrawal from the account.The US$300 for the activation of the account should be forwarded to our Accounting Officer, Mr. Kingsley Iwuji, Lagos Nigeria. Text question: what colour, Text answer: Blue. If you comply with my directives, I assure you that you will smile again after waiting for so many years without receiving your fund. Finally, you are advised to send mails to me through this e-mail address.
Awaiting your quick response.
Yourstruly,
MR. JOHN ABOH
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Aboh,
If you will give me a full and personal guarantee that this is the end of this whole sorry business, then I'll send the fee.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I still want to help Charlie, and you and yours, if I can.
What can I do, and how?
I feel so helpless and I want to do something! I am honestly trying to get some action out of that slug of a bank manager but it's a zero-sum game - so far.
Sincerely,
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

Well, now he's gone to CAP LOCK mode...

08/07/06

ATTN: MR. MALCOLM REYNOLDS,
THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT WELL UNDESTOOD; I AM GLAD TO GUARANTEE YOU THAT THIS IS THE WHOLE FEE YOU ARE GOING TO PAY BEFORE YOU CONFIRM YOUR FUND IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AS I EARLIER STATED TO YOU IN MY PREVIOUS MAILS. IT IS ONLY CROOKS AND FRAUDSTERS THAT ASK FOR MORE FEES AFTER THE OTHER, EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE LOTS OF BAD PEOPLE WHO INVOLVE IN FRAUDULENT ACTIVITIES IN NIGERIA.
AT THE SAME TIME THERE ARE STILL RELIABLE AND RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE, PEOPLE WITH THE FEAR OF GOD, WHO DO THEIR JOBS ACCORDING TO THE ETHICS OF THEIR PROFFESSIONS.
I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT YOU WILL NOT REQUIRE TO PAY ANY FEE WHATSOEVER. ONCE YOUR ACCOUNT IS ACTIVATED, THE FUND WOULD BE WIRED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT THROUGH THE NEWLY OPENED DOMICILIARY ACCOUNT WITHOUT ATTRACTING ANY CHARGES WHATSOEVER, THEREFORE, I ADVICE YOU TO FORWARD THE $300 AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE TO ENABLE US CONCLUDE THIS TRANSACTION.
I WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU.
MR. JOHN O. ABOH.
John Aboh

Impatient, too - this came in only a few hours after the previous one.

08/07/06

DEAR SIR,
I NEED A RESPONSE FROM YOU AS SOON AS POSIBLE TO ENABLE ME KNOW YOUR POSITION ON THIS MATTER SO THAT WE CAN CONCLUDE THE TRANSFER OF THIS FUND TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT DELAY.
WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU
BEST Regards,
MR. JOHN O. ABOH
Malcolm Reynolds

Let's see how he takes a minor inconvenience...

Mr Aboh,
Fine, I'll take that as a firm promise.
In the meantime - you'll have to send me something in the order of an invoice to enable me to send the money.
The Western Union counter chick told me that some countries, Nigeria included, had that requirement for remitting cash - a record of who, where, and why.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
08/07/06

sir,
in the time of trial is when you will know the true friend you have. if it is the will of God for my husband to still be alive let it be so but if it is not the will of God, let it be.
i cannot force you to help my husband. help only come from the mind.
thanks for your concern.
mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I've been a prize bozo all this time! I just realized - what I can do is make a transfer to your husband's account. Why didn't I do this before?
Send me Charlie's bank account details and I'll see to this right away.
Is Charlie holding out?
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

This message does definitely NOT come as a surprise to me...

10/07/06

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I SHOULD SEND TO YOU AN INVOICE BEFORE YOU CAN FORWARD JUST $300 THROUGH WESTERN UNION AS MONEY IS BEING SENT THROUGH THIS MEDIUM TO ANY COUNTRY ALMOST EVERYDAY.
MEANWHILE, IF YOU CANNOT SEND THE MONEY THROUGH WESTERN UNION, YOU CAN AS WELL SEND IT THROUGH MONEYGRAMM.
JUST SEND THE TO MR. IWUJI KINGSLEY, ADDRESS, LAGOS, NIGERIA. TEXT QUESTION: WHAT COLOUR, TEST ANSWER: BLUE.
WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
MR. JOHN ABOH.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Aboh,
I don't care that you don't understand. All I care is that you send me that invoice as soon as possible.
I don't want arguments, I want action.
Do it now. I won't accept any more excuses.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
10/07/06

sir,
your concern to help my husband is very appreciated but i must tell you that my husband cannot have access to his account at this point due to his condition is very critical as i have explained to you earlier. if you want to send money in order to help your friend out from the hospital where he is lying hopeless, pls send through the name of mr. mike okafor as i have given to you earlier.
thanking you for your kind understanding.
mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds

Let's set the stage for a safari...

Mrs Brown,
As I told you before, unless Mike Okafor can supply two forms of ID for me to quote at Western Union, I can't help.
I am seriously thinking of coming to Nigeria myself and having it out with that stupid slug Soludo. Where are you? I could visit you first and make sure Charlie is all right.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

And John? Still can't be bothered to dummy up a simple invoice!

11/07/06

IT IS AGAINST THE BANK POLICY TO SEND ANY INVOICE OUTSIDE THE BANK WITHOUT OR BEFORE PAYMENT. [?!?!]
WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS THAT ONCE YOU FORWARD THE ACTIVATION FEE, YOUR ACCOUNT HERE WILL BE ACTIVATED AND THE US$5.7M PAID INTO IT FOR ONWARD WIRE TRANSFER TO YOUR BANKACCOUNT.
THIS IS OUR POLICY, NO INVOICE BEFORE PAYMENT. I GIVE YOU MY WORDS THAT IF YOU COMPLY WITH THIS DIRECTIVES, YOU WILL DEFINATELY BE HAPPY, THIS IS MY WORDS AND MY WORDS IS MY HONOUR.
ANYTHING CONTRARY TO THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. TRY AND UNDERSTAND OUR POSITION AND DO AS I TOLD YOU SO THAT YOU CAN RECEIVE YOUR FUND TOMORROW AS THE TRANSFER OF YOUR FUND WILL BE MADE TWO HOURS AFTER THE ACTIVATION IS DONE.
THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO DO THIS, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO RECEIVE YOUR FUND, YOU HAVE TO DO IT OUR WAY.
WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
MR. JOHN O. ABOH
John Aboh
11/07/06

IN ADDITION TO MY PREVIOUS MAIL; IF WESTERN UNION IS PROVING DIFFICULT TO YOU, THEN USE MONEYGRAM ALTERNATEVELY. I PROMISE, YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS. IT IS A VOW.
Regards,
MR. JOHN O. ABOH
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Aboh,
With respect; bullshit.
I put up with your bank for ages, and I am not going to be dicked about by it again. In any case, you are talking about a receipt, not an invoice!
So in reply, I say this; do it my way.
Send the invoice - NOW!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
11/07/06

sir,
i will be more than happy that you visit my country, pls, notify me of your flight schedule on the date of your arrival so that i will come to welcome you at the international airport.
with kind regards.
mrs brown.

note: can't you try sending this money through moneygram office if the western union office has refused to help you in giving your friend little help. there is always a joy helping a friend that is in need. your friend , charlie has looked unto you for help and now is the best time to help him when he is alive. so, try sending the money through moneygram or via Travelex nearer to you in australia.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I have to settle some business here - most likely leaving here on Saturday or Sunday. No time for inoculations - hell, I got through Somalia and Iraq, I'll be OK.
Where should I be going? Which city? Nigeria ain't a small place.
I tried Moneygram, but they've got similar restrictions too. I never heard of this Travelex - I'll check it out.
Get back quick, I'll have to book soon.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
12/07/06

sir,
if western union money transfer refuse i see no reason why moneygram should do the same or travelex because i made enquiry from paying office here and they told me that no restriction of sending money from australia.
thanks.
mrs. brown
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I'm trying to help you here. I'm only telling you what I was told - getting caught up in a "he said/but he said" game is pointless.
Anyway, I'll be there in a few days, so it's a moot point.
Oh, and you have to tell me where "there" is. Just do it, OK? I'm not flying in blind.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Aboh,
Where's that gorram invoice?
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh
13/07/06

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO ACCOMPLISH THIS TRANSFER, YOU MUST STOP CHASSING SHADOWS AND DO WHAT I ASKED YOU TO DO, THEN YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR FUND AS I EARLIER STATED TO YOU IN MY INITIAL MAIL. STOP ASKING FOR INVOICE AND SEND THE FEE AS DEMANDED OF YOU AS YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY BENEFICIARIES ON OUR PAYMENT LIST. THOSE WHO FOLLOW OUR DIRECTIVES HAVE NOW RECEIVE THEIR FUND. A WORD IS ENOUGH FOR THE WISE.
BEST REGARDS
MR. JOHN O. ABOH
Malcolm Reynolds

Time to reply to CAP LOCK with CAP LOCK.

JOHN ABOH
LISTEN UP YOU PIN HEADED PAPER SHUFFLING MORON
DO WHAT I GORRAM WELL TELL YOU AND SEND ME THAT INVOICE OR YOU DON'T GET YOUR RUTTING MONEY.
CAPISCE?
THAT IS ALL.
MALCOLM REYNOLDS
Mrs Brown
13/07/06

sir,
i still believe you can send the money across but i don't know why they refuse you to help your friend. pls, let me know what i should do next because am just hopeless here without help.
mrs brown
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
Will you PLEASE tell me where to go to? Do it soon as we have to make plans.
Malcolm Reynolds
Engineer Charles Soludo

Another Charles Soludo, this one an Engineer, enters the arena, all unknowing... and using the same Janet White modality as the Professor.

13/07/06

FROM; THE DESK OF ENGINEER CHARLES SOLUDO
DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE / FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPT,
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA PLC,
LAGOS-NIGERIA.
ATTENTION: YOUR INHERITANCE FUNDS OF Valued $8.5M

THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT YOUR OVER DUE INHERITANCE FUNDS HAS BEEN GAZZETED TO BE RELEASED, VIA KEY TELEX TRANSFER (KTT ) -DIRECT WIRE TRANSFER TO YOU BY THE SENATE COMMITTEE FOR FOREIGN OVER DUE FUND TRANSFER. MEANWHILE,A WOMAN CAME TO MY OFFICE FEW DAYS AGO WITH A LETTER, CLAIMING TO BE YOUR TRUE REPRESENTATIVE. HERE ARE HER INFORMATIONS:
NAME JANET WHITE
BANK NAME: CITI BANK,NEW YORK.
BANK ADDRESS:NEW YORK, USA.
ACCOUNT Number: 6503809428.
PLEASE,DO RECONFIRM TO THIS OFFICE ,AS A MATTER Of URGENCY IF THIS WOMAN IS FROM YOU SO THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PAYING INTO THE WRONG ACCOUNT NAME.THE RESERVE BANK GOVERNOR,EXECUTIVE, BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND THE SENATE COMMITTEE FOR FOREIGN OVER DUE INHERITTANCE FUND HAVE APPROVED AND ACCREDITED THIS REPUTABLE BANK WITH THE OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR. INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE / FOREIGN OPERATIONS,TO HANDLE AND TRANSFER ALL FOREIGN
INHERITTANCE FUNDS THIS SECOND QUARTE PAYMENT OF THE YEAR.HOWEVER,WE SHALL PROCEED TO ISSUE ALL PAYMENT DETAILS TO THE SAID MRS.WHITE,IF WE DO NOT HEAR FROM YOU WITHIN THE NEXT SEVEN WORKING DAYS FROM TODAY
CONGRATULATIONS IN ADVANCE.
BEST Regards,
ENGINEER CHARLES SOLUDO
DIRECTOR, INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE / FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPT,
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA PLC, LAGOS-NIGERIA.
CC: ALL FOREIGN INHERITTANCE FUNDS
CC: CENTRAL BANK GOVERNOR
CC: BOARD OF DIRECTORS [FPD]
CC: ACCOUNTANT GENERAL OF NIGERIA
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mr Soludo,
Do not, repeat DO NOT, make any payments of ANY KIND to Janet White as she is NOT authorized to act on my behalf for ANY PURPOSE.
Please confirm this message.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
14/07/06

sir,
your help to your friend charlie will go a long way in saving his life so please whatsoever you can do to send the money, pls kindly do it with the information of mike okafor i gave to you. awaiting your urgent reply upon reciept of this email.
mrs brown.
Mrs Brown,
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
I guess that's it. You would rather let your husband die than answer a simple question.
Well, it's your choice. You refused to give me the information that would have got him to Australia for treatment, and now you won't give me details of how to get to him. It's very sad.
I hope you can look your children in the face and tell them that you were too stupid to give their father a new chance to live.
I hope I'm wrong about you.
Sincerely,
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shedrack Denise

Another high Nigerian government official enters the story... Malcolm should feel honoured!
This one knows 'my' name...

14/07/06

THE PRESIDENCY NATIONAL LIASON OFFICE ABUJA ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (EFCC)
FROM THE DESK OF: NUHU RIBADU

ATTENTION ;Malcolm Reynolds
Greetings to you and your family, this mail is to inform you that we are aware of the criminal act going on between you and some of our citizens and our bankers who are no longer working for our banks.
Now you don't need to be affriad all we need is your help to get hold of them and your co-operation hence for you to know that we know what we are talking about from the file we have here with us.
This office needs your help to get hold of those people and remember that we can also get back your money from those people, if you know you are willing to get back your money reply this mail or call me on my direct line +2348023898054 for more explination.
Best Regards,
Mr Shedrack Denise, Secretary to NUHU RIBADU
CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION
NOTE; That you have to be fast in making your desition so we know if we are helping you or not
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Denise,
I don't know what you're talking about. I have been assured by the Governor of the CBN that these transactions are totally legal.
If you have anything to back up your allegations, do so at once.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
I am fed up with your tardiness and totally unhelpful behaviour.
Are you going to help my sick friend? Or do I have to walk into your office with a couple of my old Marine Corps buddies and trash the place to get your attention?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

John slips out of cap lock.

13/07/06

what INVOICE are you asking for for the non activated account that we open for you or what you will get an INVOICE for any money you pay and that is when your account is activated
Thanks you.
John---
Malcolm Reynolds

Don't see why I should!

AN INVOICE IS WHAT YOU GET FROM A LAWYER OR TRADESMAN AND THE LIKE SAYING WHAT YOU'RE PAYING FOR AND HOW MUCH. ERGO YOU GET IT BEFORE ANY MONEY CHANGES HANDS. WHAT YOU WANT TO GIVE ME IS A RECEIPT, IE, WHAT YOU GET ACKNOWLEDGING PAYMENT. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW THE GORRAM DIFFERENCE. I NEED AN INVOICE BECAUSE OF LOCAL WESTERN UNION REGS. SEND IT AT ONCE.
MALCOLM REYNOLDS
John Aboh
15/07/06

AM SORRY WE DONT GIVE RECEIPT OR INVOICE IN ADVANCE.
JOHN ABOH
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Aboh,
Of course you don't give out rutting receipts in advance, you pin-headed goof!
Anyway, it's a moot point. Dr Denise tipped me off that you're not the straight dope. Just as well I held out till now.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh
15/07/06

ok let see how you get your fund
Malcolm Reynolds
From Professor Soludo, you two-bit shyster. According to Dr Denise you're some office boy on the make, trying to leech a bit extra with promises that are just moonshine. At least Dr Denise sent me ID and paperwork. You gave me nothing, and I'm supposed to just believe you? You'll be out of a job soon. Shame, really.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown
15/07/06

sir,
if somebody should send such email to your wife and you look at it with your face how will you feel inside you.
thanks.
mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
My conscience is totally clear. I don't know about yours.
Tell me what I need to know - for Charlie's sake.
Malcolm Reynolds
Engineer Charles Soludo

All of a sudden Charlies's a Professor. Has he no pride in being an Engineer?

Engineer Charles Soludo
15/07/06

Attn:Malcolm Reynolds
We are in receipt of your mail and do hereby express our suprise that you did not authourise any body,person or group of persons to represent you in in this matter.
We are therefore suprise that the said Ms Janet White an American national could come up to impersonate you on your claims.
We are therefore investigating Ms Janet White and will surely hand her over to the police for prosecution once our investigations are completed.
You should therefore forward to this office without delay the following information for the immidiate processing and final transfer of your fund.Once the processing is completed,copies of the said document will be forwarded to you for your perusal;
1.Reconfirm Your bank account information ( Where you wish the fund transfered into by K.t.t)
2.Your Phone and Fax Numbers for easy and urgent communication.
3.You complete address and A copy of your Mode of Identification which should be your identity card,Driver Licence or International Passport.(To avoid wrongful identification for Payment.The central bank of Nigeria nor her management will be held responsible for an inaccurate wrong or mistake on any inform arising from you.Please cross check well before submision.
Also be adviced that upon the receipt of these informations,Your payment shall be processed and approved for payment and remittance effected by BIAO BANK in Abidjan Cote Ivory Coast within the next 12hours in line with the finacial and Fiscal policy of the Economic Community Of West African States and as directed by the United Nations(U.N) and Common Wealth of all nations to avoid delay.
Do act accordingly.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
Prof.Charles Soludo
CBN GOVERNOR
John Aboh

This one won't give up!

16/07/06

WHEN WILL YOU STOP FOOLING YOUR SELF
Malcolm Reynolds
WHEN WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO FOOL ME? I KNOW FROM DR DENISE THAT YOU'RE A CORRUPT CLERK, SO THERE'S NO POINT IN SENDING THIS SORT OF CRAP!
Mrs Brown
16/07/06

sir,
i have a clear conscience but you are turning things around as if am forcing you to help my husband. your email that said that "i should rather let me husband die" is unbelievable that you will use such language on a woman.
i cannot force you to help my husband, help comes from the mind and when you mind said to you to help my husband, i know that whatsoever the banks in australia said to you, you will definately look for an alternative means to send the money via western union or Moneygram.
you are such a nice man going through your past email to me but it is only God that knoweth that all you asked from me has been given to you.
thank you sir.
mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
Will you please stop being penny wise/pound foolish and LISTEN to me?
I am planning to come to Nigeria and help your husband by visiting him, lifting his spirits, settling his medical bills and maybe - just maybe - paying a personal visit to that slug Professor Soludo and getting this business done. So get your focus off that measly $600 and embrace the big picture.
Tell me where to travel to. I can't put this off forever. I'm risking a major loss if I don't attend to my business soon.
Please hurry!
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

Let's see how "Engineer Professor Soludo" handles something off script.

Professor Soludo,
I've sent all my details to you already, you swore blind that you'd have Janet White arrested three months ago - and now you have the nerve to claim not only that she'd tried the same trick again, but that your bank had almost handed over MY money to her AGAIN!
What the hell are you up to? Is this some sort of joke?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

Mrs Brown is not happy!

17/07/06

sir,
am not foolish as you said. i have taken more than enough insult from you. if you wish to help my husband good but if not let me know than giving me my life history via email.
if you are ready to come to nigeria, do let me know so that you can fly down to international airport here in lagos but that will be on a special arrangement to enable me put people that will welcome you in the airport and bring you straight to the hospital.
await your email.
mrs brown.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
FINALLY!
I don't know why you didn't just say Lagos from the git-go! I'll make my travel plans at once and get back to you.
And if I insulted you, at least it got you to tell me what I needed to know.
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shedrack Denise
17/07/06

THE PRESIDENCY NATIONAL LIASON OFFICE ABUJA ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (EFCC)
FROM THE DESK OF: NUHU RIBADU

ATTENTION ;Malcolm Reynolds,
How are you and your family, your mail was received and we noted the content, we are not saying that the transaction is not legal but you are dealing with the wroung person because we have received many conplains from hundreds of contractors that they are dealing with the Central Bank Governor by the end of the day they fined out that they are dealing with the wroung people after spending there heard end money to imposters so why we are telling you this is for you to know that this office is dealing with the FBI AND CIA so my good friend is better you open up to this office so that we can direct you to the Bank in charge of Forign payment but if you dout me go aheard we those people you are dealing with by the end of the day you will come back to me that means you will have to pay a fine of $2000 before we can listen to you because that is what alot of contractors do by the end of the day they will come beging for assistance so my friend i expect your urgent responses in this case and also give me a call on my direct line +2348023898054 so that i can direct you on how to receive your pyment without any delay or hitch so it is important you get back to me immediately.
Best Regards,
Mr Shedrack Denise,
Secretary to NUHU RIBADU
CHAIRMAN
ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION
Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Denise,
So far I've had no reason to suspect any wrongdoing from Professor Soludo and Mrs Adamu. She even sent me her legal ID.
As I said, I want some evidence before I decide on this.
I tried to call you but all I got was static. The problem could be at either end, I'm afraid.
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

Persistent as a bulldog, and half as intelligent...

17/07/06

HAVE TO SEEN DR DENISE BEFOR AND HOW MANY YEARS HAS HE BEEN DECIVEING YOU WELL I FALL SO SORY FOR YOU THAT YOU ARE STILL BLIND AND ASLEEP WHEN YOU WEAK UP AND ARE READY TO GET YOUR FUND LET ME KNOW.
JOHN
Malcolm Reynolds
OK BUDDY, ANSWER THIS; WHY THE RUTTING HELL SHOULD I BELIEVE A WORD YOU SAY? YOU HAVE GIVEN ME NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING, TO GIVE ME EVEN THE SMALLEST REASON TO GIVE YOU THE TINIEST SCRAP OF CREDIBILITY.
MALCOLM
Engineer Charles Soludo

Doesn't seem to have changed much...

17/07/06

Attn:Malcolm Reynolds
Please note there was a lot of impesination and the African Union decided that we reconfirm your cordinates as your payment is to be effected through Biao Bank in Awill be at your best interest to reconfirm the informations now so that same can be forwared to the BIAO BANK in Abidjan Cote D Ivoire as they are waiting to effect payment upon the reconfirmation of your account.
Please note that it will be at your best interest you do so now as I am waiting.
FROM DESK OF CHARLES SOLUDO.
Mrs Brown
17/07/06

sir,
i will await your flying schedule when ready.
thanks.
mrs. brown
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
After some frantic phoning into the wee small hours I got me a flight to Nigeria, but the flight I ended up with takes me to Abidjan, not Lagos - can you still get your friend there to pick us up? The flight (UY 705) arrives at 11:10 am on the 21st, so that means we leave tomorrow. I'm bringing along my old Corps buddy Jayne, because I mean to pay a visit on Professor Soludo, and a mean-looking mofo could be an asset.
And don't fret about Charlie's medical bills, I'm packing a wad of traveller's checks - $11,000 worth, it'll get Charlie well back on the road. Confirm this quick, the window shuts soon.
Malcolm Reynolds

OK, everybody; what have I done wrong here?

Mrs Brown
18/07/06

sir,
before the days runs out, i will make arrangement with the people that will travel to abidjan to pick you up to lagos to see your good friend charlie, i will also make contact with Prof. Soludo to see if there is anyway you can conclude transaction in abidjan with offshore payment centre in abidjan with the $11,000 you are coming in with so that upon completion of your transaction, you will have more than enough money to transfer to australia bank and also to take good care of your friend charlie.
sir, am more than happy that you are coming to see your good friend that is seriously ill. i will contact you before the days ends immediately i secure all the above information as i have explained to you.
thank you sir for your kindness and may almighty God continue to bless you and your household.
mrs brown.
Malcolm Reynolds

That's right; Abidjan is in Cote d'Ivoire.

Mrs Brown,
Argh, I'm sorry, I meant Abuja! I just spent at hour rebooking. I don't know what I was thinking booking for Abidjan.
That's what you get for finalizing bookings at 3 am.
Good work otherwise, but believe me, speed is of the essence - we are leaving tomorrow and that's the last time we can confer on anything. BTW, tell Soludo that if he slips up with Janet White again, Jayne and I will bust his jaw like a gorram Ming vase! Tell Charlie I'll be with him soon. Malcolm Reynolds
Dr Shedrack Denise

Back to Dr Denise... sorry, MR Denise...

18/07/06

ATTN;Malcolm Reynolds,
How are you and your family, i received your mail with the content noted you said you called me that my number was static i received seven deffrent calls from contractors just yesterday so i don't know what you mean that you called me my good friend you have to be serrious with yourself because you are not doing me any good because my the end of the day after spending your money you will still come back to this office for help which means you have to start afresh. Further more, who is MRS ADAMU which MINISTARY OR BANK IS SHE WORKING because this people are not helping matter so because she sent you her ID you belive she is the right person know Bank in NIGERIA is paying any contractor that is one thing you have to bear in mind we have two offshore paying center one in AMERICA and ONE IN LONDON but Mr Soludo will not trll you all this because he is claiming to be MR SOLUDO why he is not i am not telling you all this for you to belive me but i am to help you out because many contractor has spent more than $1 MILLION USD in the time pasted so my good friend you have to make haste. Best Regards,
Mr Shedrack Denise
Secretary to NUHU RIBADU CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION

Scamo-side-note: Nuhu Ribadu was the Chairman of Nigeria's Economic and Financial Crimes Commission. He left on a 'study' leave, or was turfed out for being too zealous, depending on what you read. His replacement, Farida Waziri, has written a book about the '419' scam.

In the course of writing this note, it seemed wise to double-check the link to the EFCC web site. Funnily enough, efccnigeria.org gets a 'poor reputation' mark from WOT - based on a handful of terse comments.
Out of curiosity, Scamorama tried efcc-nigeria.org (note the dash); it's 'under construction'.

Hmm.
efccnigeria.org -> 67.222.96.232, registration through DreamHost, with what looks - at casual first glance - like a legitimate contact in Nigeria, but apparently hosted in California.
efcc-nigeria.org -> 202.137.237.27, with name service through Rediffmailpro in India. Seems odd for a Nigerian government agency.
But let's move on.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Denise,
No problems your end? Well, I can't say I'm surprised. The service out here is pure crap for international calls.
Listen, you may be proud of your two offshore paying centres in AMERICA or on LONDON but neither is worth shit to me.
So, what do you suggest I do? I can stall Gina Adamu a bit, but not forever. That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds

PS What was that bit about a $2000 fine you mentioned before? Is it normal over there to punish the victims of crime?

Now for a change of tack as Malcolm, ever the man of action, resolves to deal with the recalcitrant Soludos.

Malcolm Reynolds

First the Engineer...

Professor Soludo,
I've decide to cut to the chase. After Janet White's Second Coming I now know that you can't be left in charge of this deal.
I will be arriving in Abuja in a few days and making my way to Lagos with my old Corps buddy Jayne Cobb.
At some time after that we will pay a visit to your office on behalf of Charles Brown. Be aware that if you have not finalised the transfer by then, I will personally shatter your jaw like a Ming vase. Capisce?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

... Now the Professor.

Professor Soludo,
Enough of that chat for now, so hear this.
I will be arriving in Abuja in a few days and making my way to Lagos with my old Corps buddy Jayne Cobb.
At some time after that I will be paying a visit to your office on behalf of Charles Brown. If you have not finalised the transfer by then, with the info that I gave you TWICE before, I will personally shatter your jaw like a Ming vase. Capisce?
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

I didn't expect this stupid claim.

18/07/06

sir,
pls, send your flight schedule with the kind of clothes you will wear on the day of your arrival to me so that i will make arrangement with the people that will welcome you at the airport in abuja.
travellers check is not acceptable in my country so you can come with the cash.
awaiting your reply.
mrs brown
Malcolm Reynolds

A slap is in order.
The reference to "brown coats" is a homage to Firefly.

Mrs Brown,
Please don't make any gorram trouble over this - traveller's checks are acceptable EVERYWHERE. I have no idea why someone would feed you a line of crap, but it ain't true. There is no way I can carry $11,000 in cash without big risks. And for your buddies' info, both Jayne and I will be wearing long brown coats. I've included a pic of myself.
The flight number is BA0083 (British Airways). I think it arrives about 0430 on the 22nd (I'm a day late; I pray I'm not a dollar short...)
That's it.
My best to Charlie.
Malcolm Reynolds

John Aboh

Can't I scrape this maggot off?

19/07/06

NO INVIOCE UNTIL THE ACCOUNT IS ACTIVATED BELIVE IT OR YOU FORGET IT OK. JOHN
Malcolm Reynolds
FINE. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
A REAL HONEST TO GOD BANK STAFFER WOULDN'T BE SUCH A PRIZE JERK THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN.
YOU NEVER ANSWERED MY QUESTION ANYWAY.
Mrs Brown
20/07/06

sir,
i have made enquiry from the cbn regarding your payment to be made to you and i was told that you are not taking things serious and i forsee trouble coming on the way so be careful, if you cannot follow my advise of the lawyer that will pick you up at the airport in abuja, don't border coming because am not a party to trouble maker.
you don't need to come with your corps friend to make trouble and if you are coming with him, am not ready to welcome you with the arrangement i have made on your arrival.
i need your urgent reply on this matter. it is better we sort thing out before your coming in order to avoid any mistake.
mrs. brown.
John Aboh

*Sigh* He's still at it!

20/07/06

WHAT QUESTION ANYWAY.
JOHN
Malcolm Reynolds
THIS ONE, YOU GORRAM FROG-HUMPING SONOFABITCH - WHY THE RUTTING HELL SHOULD I BELIEVE A WORD THAT YOU SAY?
MALCOLM

"Frog-humping sonofabitch" - an expletive from Firefly - given in Chinese originally.

Professor Charles Soludo
20/07/06

Our Ref : CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04
ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,

YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M
I have been expecting you here as you stated, Where are you exactly? I want to move this funds to Europe for your easy collection.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
BANK GOVERNOR; Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).

I decided to hold off for a couple of days.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
Delay, and it's not one I can disclaim - when I double-checked my ticket, I found the agency still had me on Air France to Abidjan!
I cancelled the ticket and I'm trying to rebook. Give my apologies to Charlie, will you? I'll be in touch once I've rebooked.
Look, Mrs Brown,
I am gorram serious. I heard from Soludo again that Janet White had turned up again and they'd almost paid her out again. I swear, they are several rounds short of a full clip over there. With all their farting around, you'd think they're paid by the rutting hour!
And who the hell is this gorram lawyer planning to meet me in Abuja? I've had enough of them, believe me!
Do you absolutely insist on no Jayne? What I've heard about Nigeria ain't so good. I might need someone to watch my back.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
I'm still in Australia, my travel plans got screwed up.
What are you on about with the money? Why should the gorram money be sent to Europe? I definitely don't want that!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

Whoa! What the hell happened to Mrs. Brown's English? It's majorly improved - either new boilerplate - or a senior scammer has muscled in.

21/07/06

Dear friend,
Prior to the change in your travel plans, I urge you to recheck with the british airways ticketing office to let them reconfirm you to Lagos to enable us conclude with all the relevant people concern. Having said that, we are working everything humanly possible to get this transaction concluded without any hitch to you or to my husband and as such we can secured the relevant dossiers to this effect. All that will be required is to offset the outstanding thereby commence the transfer proper to you.
Please be rest assured that you are guaranteed a smooth stay as well as discuss some viable oil deals with the local contents that I have discussed to meet with you.
Moreso, kindly get be the updated travel itinery to enable me put all the other things in order, like the hotel reservation, flight schedules as well as any other details you may thin deem viable towards a successful completion of this transaction.
Your urgent response to this mail will enable us conclude in good time, and I will assume that your trip for the 22nd is no longer valid.
Till I hear from you then, remain bless. God Bless.
Sincerely,
Mrs Brown
Dr Shedrack Denise

And there's someone else still won't leave off...

21/07/06

THE PRESIDENCY NATIONAL LIASON OFFICE ABUJA
ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (EFCC)
FROM THE DESK OF: NUHU RIBADU

Attn;Malcolm Reynolds
How are you and your family, your mail was well received with the content noted, my good friend i did not hear from you i told you to call me and you are telling me that call from that side is crap well i can see you are not serious to receive your payment so anytime you are ready you can call me on the phone number i gave to you.
Best Regards,
Mr Shedrack Denise
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Denise,
My god, haven't you ever used slang in your life? Or is it a condition of working for the EFCC that you swear off it forever?
When I said the phone service was crap it had nothing to do with any sort of joke! I'll put it in plain non-jocular terms; the telephone service here is useless a lot of the time, especially for overseas calls. That's why I use email to contact old Corps buddies in CONUS, for example.
Also, you didn't even try to answer my question about that $2000 fine or levy or whatever - or clarify what possible use your paying centres could be to me. As for Gina Adamu, she's a lawyer retained by Professor Soludo. Here are her details. Why don't you take a look at her?
GINA ADAMU & ASSOCIATES
10, ADESOLA STREET, LAGOS NIGERIA
TEL:234-8039143164
EMAIL: ginaadamu33@yahoo.com

That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo

Thanks, Prof, for a truly impressive Freudian slip.

21/07/06

ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,

YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M


You advised to reschedule your trip direct to Lagos, ensure you furnish me with fight details as well. You are highly wellcome to Lagos, Nigeria.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO
BANK GOVERNOR; Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Soludo,
You just hold on a gorram minute.
First you explain what the rutting hell you meant by the money going to Europe. It's going nowhere until Charlie Brown and I say so! And if I even get a whisper that Janet White is back for the third round, you'll be getting "fight details" all right!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

If they want their money, they have to go to Abuja... I want my safari!

Mrs Brown,
I got my flight rebooked, but I had to accept arrival at Abuja. I don't want to argue with that travel agent again. It's like being back at school with her! So, you'll have to come and pick me up there.
Sorry, but that's the way it is. The details are - BA0083, departing Sydney 1700 on the 27th, arriving 0425 at Abuja on the 28th. And yes, I told Jayne to remain behind. He doesn't like the idea, but he knuckled under - eventually.
OK, details - what's the story with the lawyer? Who is he and why is he required? Is he the only one I'll be meeting? What's with the oil deal? I didn't ask for any further business. Explain further.
BTW, Professor Soludo asked me for the flight details too. Is it just me, or would you think he has no gorram right to butt in?
Tell Charlie I'll be there soon.
Sincerely,
Malcolm Reynolds
John Aboh

Oh, and in case you wondered where John Aboh had gone...

20/07/06

WHAT ALL THIS SHIT
Malcolm Reynolds
OK - I'LL DUMB IT DOWN. THE MORE YOU RANT AND WRITE FUCKING CRAP, YOU BONE-HEADED ASSWIPE, THE MORE I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A DICKWAD AND BUTTSMEAR WHO COULDN'T FIND HIS OWN COCK WITHOUT A MAP AND A TELESCOPE. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP, GET OUT OF MY LIFE, AND STOP MAKING AN EVEN BIGGER FOOL OF YOURSELF!
Mrs Brown

Did you know that British Airways will divert for one passenger?

22/07/06

Dear Malcolm,
I got your mail and I wish to reply thus.
First of all, the same flight can take you to Lagos and all you will do is to indicate to British Airways that you are stopping in Lagos and they will allow you to disembark in Lagos and also, it will afford you the opportunity to see Mr charles, one on one to enable him advise you and guide you on the people you are meeting, since all the information you need is in his care.
Furthermore, he mentioned to me that a friend of his has an oil block that he wants you to open up negotiations with so that you can appear as a broker to receive crude products on their behalf.
Charles' lawyer will be meeting with you upon your arrival to faciliate the documentation procedures for a hitch free exercise, that is why he came into the picture.
More importantly, you should endeavour to finalise the arrangement with the airlines and your travel agent on the point of your destination as movement to abuja does not augur well and it will amount to excess expenditure and the funds are not just available for such venture within this period. I want you to think through this idea as it is cost effective and more easily accesible to all the parties concerned towards the successful completion of this project.
Your prompt response to this mail will be highly appreciated.
Sincerely yours,
Mrs Brown
Malcolm Reynolds

Well, Malcolm didn't!

Mrs Brown,
What the hell do you think British Airways is - a taxi service? They're not going to divert to Lagos just for me. For God's sake, I'm busting a gut here trying to get away as it is, and all that you can do is whinge about it! And yes, I am coming to Lagos to see Charlie. I sure as hell ain't coming to Nigeria for the gorram scenery! You just have to tell your lawyer friend to arrange some internal transport. What's the problem with that? Oh yeah, and while we're at it, his name would be a cool idea.
I don't care that Charlie has a friend with some oil block or whatever the hell that is. That's not the issue! We can discuss that if, and when, I can smooth over Charlie's problems. Everything else is secondary to that. You, of all people, should agree!
And please stop moaning about expense and auguries and so on - just go with it. What the rutting hell do you think I packed so much extra money for?
I'll be in Abuja as I said before, and please - no more arguments.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown,
Who's the lawyer? I want to know his name and other details so that I can be sure I'm meeting the right person.
And hurry, please, the clock's ticking.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mrs Brown

Well, at this late hour, they try to change the rules of the game. Note that the English has slipped somewhat - they couldn't sustain the quality of the last message.

27/07/06

sir,
pls be informed that there are some changes in development concerning your visit, a new circular was released yesterday concerning financial regulation on foreigners.
with this development we have already made arrangement such that when you come over to london we are liasing with a bank in Milan - Italy to enable them facilitate the conclusion of the transaction so therefore, it is necessary that you follow this directive to enable us conclude without any struggle accuruable to you.
Let have your trip terminate in london so that you will have a connecting flight to Milan - Italy where arrangement has been already concluded with the bankers. Should you have any question, pls endeavour to call the lawyer (Barrister Adrian Mark) on this number +447024062936 who is already waiting for you in london because he left early this morning to london because of the new arrangement. pls let me have your response to this immediately because the lawyer is already waiting for you in london. there is no point for you coming to nigeria since arrangement has already been concluded to that effect because it wouldn't be safe and wise for you to claim fund from nigeria as your friend charlie is seriously down with illness.
mrs. brown.
Malcolm Reynolds

Malcolm's having none of that!

Mrs Brown,
Half an hour to boarding and you pull this gorram shit on me?
You may have forgotten that I'm coming to Nigeria to see my sick friend Charlie Brown - your husband - first and foremost. I'm not going to change my travel plans and leave him in the rutting lurch! I will be in Abuja as I stated. Once I've got Charlie out of his hole, then I can see about the money. Then this lawyer can get to work. Not before then.
I'll see you and Charlie soon. Don't leave me waiting at the airport.
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Denise,
I want you to answer my gorram questions - and these ones! Have you checked out Mrs Adamu yet? And who is John Aboh and why did he accuse you of trying to deceive me? Answer me!
That is all.
Malcolm Reynolds
Professor Charles Soludo
28/07/06

Our Ref : CBN/IRD/CBX/021/04
ATTENTION: Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,

YOUR OVERDUE INHERITANCE PAYMENT AMOUNT US$10.5M


Where are you at this point? Get back to me as quickly as possible.
Yours sincerely,
PROFESSOR CHARLES SOLUDO BANK GOVERNOR; Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).

Now to begin the final phase, as Kaylee, Malcolm's faithful mechanic, enters the bait, worried for her boss' safety and the lack of info about his trip...

Kaylee Frye

This got sent to Charlie Brown, Gina Adamu, John Smith, and both Charles Soludos.

Dear Sirs,
My name is Kaylee Frye, and I work for Malcolm Reynolds at his business Serenity Air Couriers.
The Captain left for Nigeria on some special business last Thursday, and told us all here that he would contact us by phone and email as soon as he arrived in Abucha. We haven't heard a word. It ain't like the Captain to break his word! Miz Inara and Simon said we should wait, but I can't. So I went through his appointment book - which I wouldn't do unless I was real scared for him, like I am - and found your names and email addresses listed against "Nigerian business". So I'm taking a big chance and asking you about what happened and what you all might know.
Please help me. I'm very worried.
Kaylee Frye
Mrs Brown

Well, I got something back...

30/07/06

Dear Kaylee Frye,
I did not see Malcolm, he told me that he will be coming but uptil date, i never set my eyes on him. I advise him on what to do in order to make things very easy but uptil date i did not recieve reply on his arrival.
Do notify me when you hear from him so that I will quickly meet him up anywhere he is. Thanks.
ms brown.
Kaylee Frye
Dear Miz Brown,
Thanx for replying.
Could you tell me what he was there for? There's nothing in his diary to say what it was about.
Kaylee
Kaylee Frye

For the sake of completeness, this one was sent to both of the Mark Williams, Shedrack Denise, and John Aboh.

Dear Sirs,
My name is Kaylee Frye, and I work for Malcolm Reynolds at his business Serenity Air Couriers.
The Captain left for Nigeria on some special business last Friday, and told us all here that he would contact us by phone and email as soon as he arrived in Abucha. We haven't heard a word. It ain't like the Captain to break his word! Miz Inara and Simon said we should wait, but I can't. So I went through his appointment book - which I wouldn't do unless I was real scared for him, like I am - and found your names and email addresses listed against "Nigerian business". So I'm taking a big chance and asking you about what happened and what you all might know.
Please help me. I'm very worried.
Kaylee Frye
Mrs Brown

Mrs Brown was keen to find out more. Maybe 'her' partners were expecting a payday soon and pestering 'her'...

31/07/06

Dear Kaylee,
could you pls, give me your telephone number so that i can call you in australia? also,if you know where Malcolm is at present, let me know quickly because i cannot locate him.
i told him not to come to nigeria now but he refused to follow my advise.
awaiting your reply.
mrs. brown.
Kaylee Frye
Dear Mrs Brown,

You just hold on one minute, I ain't giving you nothing until you tell me what the hell kind of business you had with the Captain. I heard he was packing a whole wad of the folding stuff when he left for Sydney, and that ain't normal business practise in my book.
And - Jesus wept, Mrs Brown,
I don't know where the Captain is! That's why I asked you if you know anything! I ain't so stupid to ask something I already know!
Why did you tell him not to come to Nigeria? Was it you who told him not to bring his buddy Jayne? You just tell me what you know!
Kaylee Frye
John Aboh

But with the second group, I get the insufferable John Aboh!

31/07/06

STOP FOOLING YOURSELF, BIG FOOL
Kaylee Frye

What could I do but slap him?

Whoever the hell you are,
I don't like your attitude one little bit.
I asked a civil question and I get this piece of half-assed rudeness. No, you ain't no-one the Captain would do business with, if this is anything to go by.
You got a wicked heart, Mister.
John Aboh
01/08/06

hehehehe i can see you arewriting out of your sences
Kaylee Frye

He asked for it...

You're John Aboh, right?
I'm saying again, from what you've written so far, you ain't a man of business or nothing that's worth a damn.
Are you some little-dick boy playing at being a businessman? Did the Captain see through you and you thought you'd get some dumb revenge this way?
God, you make me sick. Go butt-fuck a goat and suck out its ass afterwards, you filthy little creep.
Kaylee Frye
Dear Mrs Brown,

Are you going to tell me anything?
I've just been passed around like some suspect parcel by the US Embassy and I'm plenty worried now. The fact that you won't tell me nothing is real odd.
Why did you tell the Captain not to go to Nigeria? Was he in trouble?
Kaylee Frye
John Aboh

This guy is seriously stupid!

03/08/06

and wht do u mean by ? God, you make me sick. Go butt-fuck a goat and suck out its ass afterwards, you filthy little creep.
Kaylee Frye
Ask the goat, it's probably more intelligent than you!
Kaylee Frye

As this ploy seems not to have done much, this got sent to Charlie Brown, Gina Adamu, John Smith, and both Charles Soludos.

Dear Sirs,
The Captain is safe and well - he called me from London to say he'd be back in about three days.
I don't know why I telling you this since most all of you didn't care nothing about the Captain, but I guess he'd want you all to know.
Kaylee Frye
Kaylee Frye

In turn, this one was sent to both of the Mark Williams, Shedrack Denise, and John Aboh.

Dear Sirs,
For what it's worth, Captain Reynolds is fine - I heard from London today, he'll be back here soon.
Not that none of you gave a damn since only one replied, but he's an asshole!
Kaylee Frye
Malcolm Reynolds

This went to Charlie Brown, Gina Adamu, John Smith, and both Charles Soludos.

To all of you,
I have returned from overseas after an unwanted stay in the custody of Her Majesty's security services... with a few lessons learned.
Firstly, never have plans to fly to northern Nigeria with a large sum in traveller's checks. It can make security guys twitchy. I had no idea that there were so many Moslems in that area... or that they had Sharia law there.
Secondly, never do business with 419 scammers. The security guys were actually pretty informative about how I'd very nearly flown into the hands of criminals.
No wonder you didn't want Jayne to be there!
They explained how most of you were "small boys" except for an "Oga" - the boss. So it's a big fuck-you to all you dip-dick no-load motherfuckers. I'm going back to do an honest job.

Malcolm Reynolds

This one went to both of the Mark Williams, Shedrack Denise, and John Aboh.

Well, I'm back from a brief stay in the custody of Her Majesty's Security Forces, and thanks to them I now know that you are a pack of 419 scammer motherfuckers.
With what I told them, maybe you'll be in gaol soon.
I hear gaol's a nasty place for any small boy. When they drill your ass, try not to smile too much...

And so, Charlie Brown and the rest faded into the long goodnight...

 

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