THE TWO FACES OF ERNEST HAMBURG


Mal Reynolds (a fully paid-up member of Scambaiters Equity) has appeared in THE PRICE OF JUSTICE, A BLESSING IN DISGUISE, YOU ARE A GREAT PILOT, WE AIM TO MISBEHAVE, and most recently THERE AIN'T NO JUSTICE.


It began with Ernest Hamburg, probably the least helpful 419 scammer ever. He had plans for Malcolm Reynolds, but it was Malcolm who made a meal of him. Then another scammer took over, one who wasn't quite up to speed on the script... and much confusion and acrimony ensued. If this had been for real, Malcolm's blood pressure would have spiked more than once!

The Scammers
Ernest Hamburg, "the manager of capital bank Nigeria (CB)" or, alternatively, "a former managing director and pioneer staff of a giant construction company" and philanthropist recently dead of AIDS. Reconcile those two at your peril!
Richard (or Rechard) Green, officer of capital bank Nigeria
David Francis, supposedly Richard (or Rechard) Green's cashier, but actually his Western Union persona (inactive character)
Hans Baer, the director general of the international remittance department of 'this bank' - much given to overwrought Christian glurge
Enefiok Udoh, the "Legal advicer" to Hans Baer
Williams Dagogo, uncle to the second version of Ernst Hamburg (inactive character)

The Baiter
Malcolm Reynolds, former US Marine Corps officer now living in Central Australia; based on the main character in the Josh Whedon TV series Firefly and movie Serenity.

Western Union appears, but in a very minor role.

Our first Lad makes contact...Observe the apparently random use of full stops. It'll stand in marked contrast to a later Lad who had a hard-on for the run-on sentence.


Ernest Hamburg
27 July 2006

Dear Friend,
I am Ernest Hamburg, the manager of capital bank Nigeria(CB) I have a very confidential and urgent financial notification for you. A contract file worth us$5million. With the name has been noticed lying waste in our contract and account department. As one of our international remittance directors, I am obliged to notify the owner of this contract account file to enable the bank remitt this fund to the owner. I found out that the owner of this contract file died last four years. My business proposal to you is that,hence you have the same name with the late beneficiary owner of this fund and the bank dos not know about the death of the owner of this fund, i want to present you as the owner of this contract account file to the bank were i work. to enable the bank transfer this fund to your account for us to share at the ratio of %40 for you and %60 for me. Pls if you are willing to assist get back to me.
Best Regards
Ernest Hamburg.
Reply through my alternative email. ernest_hamburg12@yahoo.com.au

[A Dead Bank Customer... well, never mind, he's still a target.]
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mr Hamburg:
You have my attention - though I'd have to be certain that you meant for me to get this.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest Hamburg

[On target and engaging! And wouldn't you know it - he wants some ID!]

[Never give a scammer your ID. Even if they can't use it to rob you, they may use it to fake an ID with which to scam someone else.]

29 July 2006

Malcolm Reynolds,
Thank you for your quick response.
pls before i give you the details of this transaction, you scan your international passport or valide drivers license. to enable me verify who you are in person.
Waiting to hearing from you.
Ernest.
Malcolm Reynolds

[He has to learn that you don't always get what you ask for...]
Mr Hamburg,
I would supply you if I could, but be informed that:
[1] Making a scan, xerox, or any other copy of a United States passport is forbidden by State Department decree.
[2] At the moment my driver's license is in the hands of the local police after a traffic accident (for which, by the way, I wasn't responsible).
If you are determined to prove my identity, I would be able to provide you with my passport number, which you could verify through the services of the US Embassy in Nigeria.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest Hamburg

[He attaches a very low-grade"work ID".]
01 August 2006
Malcolm Reynolds,
Thank you for your email, and i am so sorry for the delay. You can go ahead and send to me your passport number. meanwhile bellow is my attached work ID to enable you know me in person. Be informed that as soon as i receive your passport number then i will funish you with all the information needed for this business transaction.
Waiting to hearing from you.
Ernest Hamburg.

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Hamburg,
OK, that's acceptable. I just hope there won't be any more delays like that!
It's - M6848-523-US-7530-66-107-1001-R-01246-8047. BTW, thanks for the ID.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

[The "passport number" is one half a NATO serial number, and one half a phone number from a Monty Python sketch.]

Ernest Hamburg
03 August 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
Thank you very much for your quick respons.
the situation of this transaction is that you will have to contact the bank were i work as the owner of this fund telling them to confirm this account number 67674584663547 and also the private pin password 876365. that after the confirmation that they should tell you what to do next, be informed that you will be sending to me every copy of the bank letter to enable me advice you on what to do next coz my duty in this transaction is to funish you with all the information in the account file and secondly they might request for some of the information in the account in other to confirm if you are the real owner of this fund. This is simple. also be informed that you will not let them know any thing about me in other to secure this business transaction and my position as the manager in this Bank. Bellow here is the bank address.
Bank name. Capital Bank Nigeria.
Phone contact.+234 83 300588
Fax. +234 83 836645
Email contact. capitalbankng@financier.com
I wish you all the good luck pls as soon as you have contacted them do not forget to let me know.
Waiting to hearing from you.
Ernest Hamburg.

[Pop quiz; he's given Malcolm contact details - but what did he leave out?]

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Hamburg,
Before I make contact, please clarify; who should I be addressing this message to, as in person/position wise?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest Hamburg

[This is a simple enough question, but he flubbed it!]
05 August 2006

Malcolm Reynolds,
Write to them and tell them that you are one of our customer that deposited a contract file. of $five million dollars in there contract and account depertment thats all. You tell them your name Malcolm Reynolds that is the same name with the late benaficiary owner of this fund.
As soon as you have done that you try as much as you can to get back to me.
Ernest Hamburg.

[Try again!]

Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Hamburg,
You said, "Write to them ". Who is meant by "them"? Please, give me a name or title to address my inquiry to. I don't want to have to ask this question again!
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest Hamburg
09 August 2006

Malcolm Reynolds,
What i mean by them is the Bank.
The person you are writing to the bank is the remittance officer and his name is Mr Rechard Green.
So you do it and get back to me.
Ernest.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Hamburg,
Thank you! I wanted a name - and you supplied one, though I had to push really hard for it. I hope you won't be that balky again.
More as it comes to hand.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Attn: Mr Rechard Green

Sir,
I wish to confirm the status of my account number 67674584663547 (account private pin password 876365). Please respond at your earliest.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Richard (or Rechard) Green


[Why does "Korea" keep popping up here? I can only assume that it has something to do with most of it being in CAPS LOCK and the Lad carelessly inserting words in lower case. Perhaps he wasn't keeping proper track of his scams!

12 August 2006
CAPITAL BANK NIGERIA
PHONE: +234 83 300588 FAX: +234 83 231986 Korea 30 OLD JEWRY ROAD. PMB 5928 OWERRI, IMO STATE NIGERIA Korea
FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT.
DATE:12-Aug-2006

ATTN: Malcolm Reynolds,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT WE RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL INCLUDING YOUR ACCOUNT INFORMATION WHICH YOU PRESENTED TO US.
WE ARE WRITING TO NOTIFY YOU THAT WE HAVE CONFIRMED YOUR ACCOUNT INFORMATION BUT WE STILL NEED TO BE SURE SO THAT WE WILL NOT MAKE ANY MISTAKE BY REMITING YOUR FUND TO ANOTHER PERSON, SO YOU ARE REQUIRED TO SEND TO US YOUR SWIFT CODE NUMBER AND ACCOUNT FILE NUMBER FOR FUTHER CROSS CHECKING, AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THIS TWO THINGS THEN WE WOULD BE ABLE TO APPROVE YOUR PAYMENT TO ENABLE THE CONTRACT AND ACCOUT DEPARTMENT OF THIS BANK REMIT YOUR FUND TO YOUR OWN PERSONAL ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
Faithfully yours.
Richard Green.
OFFICER
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Hamburg,
I've got a reply.
I sent them this - I wish to confirm the status of my account number 67674584663547 (account password 876365) Please respond at your earliest.
I got this: THIS IS TO INFORM YOU... blah blah blah... TO YOU OWN PERSONAL ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY. Haven't I just given him that account file number? Or is that something that you have to give me?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest Hamburg
14 August 2006

Malcolm Reynolds,
I got your message and i was so happy when i heard from you, i am also glad that this fund will soon be remitted to your account by this week.
This is the information the bank required.
SWIFT CODE NUMBER. CB087N
CONTRACT ACCOUNT FILE NUMBER. 7664
Try as much as you can to send this information to the bank as soon as you receive this email and also you will forward your personal account information to them to enable them remit this fund to you by tomorrow, do this and get back to me.
Best Regards
Ernest
Malcolm Reynolds
Dear Mr Green,
The details you requested are:
SWIFT CODE NUMBER. CB087N
CONTRACT ACCOUNT FILE NUMBER. 7664
My personal details are:
Full name - Malcolm Paul Reynolds
Home address - 2/33 Stuart Drive, Alice Springs, Northern Territory, Australia
Bank Details - National Bank of Australia; account number G 937 641 424.

Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Richard (or Rechard) Green

[And here's the money! Wouldn't you know it, they've prepared in advance for any suggestion that they take the money out of the account.]
16 August 2006
FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT.
DATE:16th AUG 2006

ATTN: Malcolm Reynolds
WE ARE WRITING TO INFORM YOU THAT WE RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL, AND ALSO THIS EMAIL IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT WE HAVE CONFIRMED ALL YOUR INFORMATIONS CORRECTLY INCLUDING YOUR PERSONAL ACCOUNT INFORMATION, YOUR PAYMENT HAS BEEN APPROVED BY THE CONTRACT AND ACCOUNT DEPARTMENT OF THIS BANK. IN OUR FINAL CORSS CHECKING WE DISCOVERED THAT YOUR FUND HAS BEEN DECLEARED UNSERVICABLE BY THE MANAGEMENT OF THIS BANK, BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN DOMMANT FOR FOUR YEARS. YOU ARE REQURED TO SEND TO US $3000 REACTIVATION FEE SO THAT WE WILL ACTIVATE YOUR ACCOUNT FILE IN THIS BANK TO ENABLE US REMIT YOUR FUND TO YOUR ACCOUNT BY TOMORROW MORNING AND ALSO YOU ARE REQUIRED TO SEND TO US YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT WE WILL CALL YOU AS SOON AS YOUR FUND IS BEING REMITTED TO YOU BY TOMORROW MORNING. BE INFORMED THAT THIS FEE CAN NOT BE DEDUCTED FROM YOUR FUND AS IT IS AN INSURED FIXED DEPOSITE. YOU ARE REQUIRED TO SEND THIS FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER TO OUR CASHIER BY TOMORROW WITH THIS INFORMATION BELLOW.
PAYMENT INFO.
TO OUR CASHIER. RECEIVERS NAME: DAVID FRANCIS
RECEIVERS ADDRESS: OWERRI IMO STATE NIGERIA
SENDERS NAME:...................
SENDERS ADDRESS..................
MTCN CONTROL NUMBER.............
TEST QUESTION: ANSWER............
AMOUNT PAID $3000
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO GET BACK TO US WITH THE INFORMATION FILLED AT THE WESTERN UNION OFFICE FOR CONFIRMATION.
TRY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN TO GET BACK TO US BY TOMORROW SO THAT YOUR FUND WILL MOVE OUT FROM THIS BANK TO YOUR ACCOUNT BY TOMORROW AND ALSO BE INFORMED THAT WE DON'T WANT ANY DELAY.
Faithfully yours.
Richard Green.
OFFICER
Malcolm Reynolds

[Just in case I have the need to justify some delays... a little precursor to a chronic illness won't go amiss.]

Mr Green,
I was unable to contact you earlier as I was undergoing extensive physiotherapy and in a clinic until two hours ago.
That aside, I am surprised to read that there is any need to "reactivate" my account, and more especially, to charge an exorbitant fee for the privilege! Please forward me a full invoice for this proposed fee.
You state that you don't want any delay. Well, it's my money, and what I do about it is my business.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Hamburg,
I got this from the bank - and they not only have the nerve to charge me $3000 for the privilege of accessing the money, but they want it sent by Western Union!
Well, they're getting no gorram money from me without some really good explaining, because that is just wrong.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest Hamburg
17 August 2006

Reynolds,
I got your email and i am so happy that finaly this payment has been approved.
one thing you should understand now is that we have no other alternative than to pay them this money, in the letter you forwarded to me i lant that it is because this money has been lying west here in the bank and also the fund was decleared unservisable, so it is the procedure that the owner must pay this fee for reactivation. That one is not a problem, one thing you should do now is to write back to the bank tell them to give you by tomorrow to raise this money that you will send it to them. let me run around to see how i can get $3000 from my friends.
also be informed that i will pay it on your behalf so your duty is to contact me as soon as they remit this fund to you.
So right now write to them and tell them that you will pay this money tomorrow then you get back to me immediately.
waiting to hearing from you.
Ernest.
Ernest Hamburg
17 August 2006

Reynolds,
Pls be very fast in writing to them and you have to understand that we dont need to ask too much questions so that they will not retain this fund here in this bank, this is our oputunity. pls i awaits your urgent reply as soon as you write back to the bank to tell them what i told you to do, to enable me pay this money on your bahalf by tomorrow so that this fund will be transferred to you by that same tomorrow.
Ernest.
Malcolm Reynolds

[Time for some assertion of authority...]
Mr Hamburg,
I understand that there are bank fees, but $3000 for account reactivation is - and I mean this -daylight robbery!
OK, there's five mill at stake, but the idea of paying this - and by Western Union, which is the most stupid thing I ever heard of - sticks in my craw.
The other thing is your insistence that I pay it off right away. The bank's saying the same thing. What the hell is this obsession with speed? It makes no difference to me if it's done today, tomorrow, next month or whatever. I'm not facing torture by loan sharks or threats by bunco artists.
I'm due to visit the bank here tomorrow or Monday - depending on treatment at the clinic - to sign off on fixed-term deposits relating to the future of SAC.
When I'm done there, I'll make arrangements for a direct funds transfer to Capital Bank - way more reliable that WU.
Once I have an invoice from Richard Green it's a done deal. So, don't pester your friends - I'll deal with things. Stay cool.
By the way - why the hell are you calling me "Reynolds"? No-one called me that since my time in the Corps. Call me Malcolm or Mr Reynolds, OK?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest Hamburg

[The Lad can smell the money...]
19 August 2006

Malcolm,
I got your email, so pls call me so that we can talk this over on the phone. My mobile number is: +234-8034739630 call me as soon as possible, another thing you should know about is that I and you are claiming this fund from the bank and you know how risky it is, so there for we need to do somthing very fast to makesure that this fund is being remitted to your account so that we can share it together, come on we dont have to weast our time after all this $3000 is a small money.
Call me lets talk this over.
Ernest.
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest,
How can it be risky? It's not like we're walking in with AK-47s and demanding cash while wearing al-Qaeda headbands. It's a simple transaction.
Again I ask, why the need for speed?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Hamburg,
There's no need for filling your pants, buddy, all is going to be fine. I'm arranging for a transfer tomorrow, and it'll be good.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds

[Let's see what they do with this.]
Mr Green,
I have arranged for the transfer of $3000 to your bank in the name of David Francis. Please confirm receipt and make the transfer as soon as possible.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest,
I told you it'd go well, I made the transfer today, so we should be rolling in money soon!
What are your plans? I have several...
Regards,
Malcolm
Malcolm Reynolds
22 August 2006

Malcolm,
i did got your email, my plan is that as soon as you receive this fund from the bank you inform me and also give me your address to enable me come over to your country for my own share of this fund which is %60. so how far have you gone with the bank, have you gotten any email from them? let me know. Ernest.
Malcolm Reynolds
Ernest,
Lighten up, will ya? I meant, what are you going to spend your share on?
I think I'll be using it to expand my company - fund some scholarships for old war buddies - sponsor orphans and refugees in Darfur. What will you do?
Nothing yet, I'll get back to you.
Regards,
Malcolm
Richard (or Rechard) Green

[Someone wasn't paying attention...]
22 August 2006

FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT.
DATE:22-AUG-2006

ATTN SIR,
WE ARE WRITING TO INFORM YOU THAT WE RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO SEND TO US THE INFORMATION YOU FILLED AT THE WESTERN UNION, SUCH AS MTCN, SENDERS NAME, TEST QUESTION, TO ENABLE US PULL IT HERE, AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THAT WE WILL GIVE YOU RECEIPT SHOWING THAT YOU HAVE PAID THIS REACTIVATION FEE AND ALSO THAT WILL ENABLE THE CONTRACT AND ACCOUNT DEPERTMENT OF THIS BANK REMIT YOUR FUND TO YOUR ACCOUNT
Faithfully yours.
Richard Green.
OFFICER
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Green,
I didn't send the money by Western Union. That, if I might be direct, is about the dumbest idea I ever heard.
No, I sent it by direct bank transfer. It'll be in your system, sent to the benefit of David Francis. Confirm its arrival and get back to me.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds
Richard (or Rechard) Green

[Can the banker Lad really expect me to believe this?]
23 August 2006

ATTN: Malcolm,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE NOT CONFIRM THE MONEY YOU SENT FOR THE REACTIVATION OF YOUR ACCOIUNT IN OUR BANK HERE. YOU SHOULD FOLLOW OUR INTRUCTION BY SENDING THIS MONEY THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER, OR YOU COME IN PERSON TO PAY THIS MONEY, TI IS THE BEST OPTION WE ARE GIVING YOU.
BE INFORMED THAT WE ARE NO MORE RECEIVEING MONEY FROM OUR SYSTEM JUST FOR SECURITY REASONS, BECAUSE SOME BAD INDIVIDUALS ARE TAKEN PEOPLES MONEY THROUGH THAT WAY YOU SENT THIS MONEY FOR THE REACTIVATION. SO YOU RUSH DOWN TO THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER SEND THIS MONEY OR YOU COME IN PERSON TO PAY THIS MONEY.
ALSO BE INFORMED THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WITH HOLDING YOUR FUND NOT US BECAUSE HARD IT BEEN YOU SEND THIS MONEY THEY WAY WE INTRUCTED, YOUR FUND WOULD HAVE BEEN REMITTED TO YOUR ACCOUNT LONG AGO. WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE.
Faithfully yours.
Richard Green.
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Green,
Are you insane? What the hell is happening at your bank? I sent the money from the National Bank, one of the leading banks in this nation, in a perfectly standard bank-to-bank transfer. You can't just turn it down! No-one can just take the money away once it's in your accounts!
I am not going to "rush down to the Western Union Money Transfer", nor am I going to travel to Nigeria just because you've slugged down too much booze at a liquid lunch and can't get your heads around the reality of an everyday funds transfer.
You're bankers, for crying out loud! What sort of bank relies on Western Union for this sort of business? The money is there. Now do your gorram job!
Malcolm Reynolds
[This was a surprise. Is it all over?]

The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
capitalbankng@financier.com (reason: 550 <capitalbankng@financier.com>: Account Deactivated) >>> DATA <<< 550 <capitalbankng@financier.com>: Account Deactivated 550 5.1.1 <capitalbankng@financier.com>... User unknown <<< 554 Error: no valid recipients
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Hamburg,
What the hell is going on? Not only have the bankers gone off their heads, but their email has crashed! Find out what the rutting hell they're playing at and get back to me pronto!
Malcolm Reynolds
Richard (or Rechard) Green

[Well, not yet.]
26 August 2006

ATTN Malcolm,
WE ARE WRITING TO INFORM YOU THAT WE RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO SEND TO USTHE INFORMATION YOU FILLED AT THE WESTERN UNION, SUCH AS MTCN, SENDERS NAME, TEST QUESTION, TO ENABLE US PULL IT HERE, AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THAT WE WILL GIVE YOU RECEIPT SHOWING THAT YOU HAVE PAID THIS REACTIVATION FEE AND ALSO THAT WILL ENABLE THE CONTRACT AND ACCOUNT DEPERTMENT OF THIS BANK REMIT YOUR FUND TO YOUR ACCOUNT. IF YOU CAN NOT PAY THIS FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER YOU ARE REQUIRED TO COME IN PERSON TO PAY THIS FEE COZ THAT IS THE ONLY OPTION LEFT FOR YOU. SO YOU RUSH DOWN TO THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRASNSFER SEND THIS MONEY AND ALSO SEND TO US THE INFORMATION YOU FILED AT THE WESTERN UNION MONEY RTANSFER SO THAT WE CAN BE ABLE TO PULL IT HERE AND ALSO THAT WILL ENABLE THE CONTRACT ACCOUNT DEPERTMENY OF THIS BANK REMIT YOUR FUND TO YOUR OWN PERSONAL ACCOUNT INFORMATION WHICH YOU SENT TO US.
Faithfully yours.
Richard Green.
OFFICER
Malcolm Reynolds

[For Malcolm,
this is a major slap.]
Mr Green,
I DIDN'T SEND THE MONEY BY WESTERN UNION, YOU BRAINDEAD MORON! It's been transferred; you have the rutting money, now get on with it IMMEDIATELY! Honestly, I have not seen such sustained idiocy in my life!
Malcolm Reynolds

[Then everything went quiet, and I thought it was over... And so it was... until...]
Hans Baer
04 September 2006

Attention:Malcolm,
Good morning and how are you today,I am bringing to your notice That I am the director general of the international remittance department of this bank and I am the only person that have the Legal right to sign the release of your money,though for some time now I am not around, I came back from Malta yesterday on officail duty,I am bringing to your notice you are dealing with our staffs that have been ejected by our bank due to traces of fraud in their connection,hence having every of our banking datas and password of every of our banking email addresses and corresponding banks and our clients contact they deal with our clients directly with fatious name and where the hide out to operate in other to fraud them and Damage our bank reputation because the are ejected,today I am assuring you that if you like pay the last dime of yours to them you will not receive any money, let them take you to any bank in asia mainly bank of pakistan, you will never receive a dime hence finally I am the one that will sign your payment.with this regard you are required to stop every communication with them, I have also communicated to others that are their Victims, hence forget what you have paid them,don't write or call and never reply to their email or answer their call.I will send you this email through the same email address to proof whom I am but authoring you that you should not reply or write any mail to me through any address other than this h_bj@mail.ru never reply to any email again in regard to your payment, you can only write through this address h_bj@mail.ru as it is my private email to make sure I succesfully sign the release of all our clients money that fall their victim before ten days.I will brief you when I received your email today through h_bj@mail.ru and state the amount you have paid them so far also be informed that I am not only the manager of the remittance department but also a minister of God, so I don't know if you are a christian,is very nice you let me know no one like Richard Green is a fatitious name
Best Regards
HANS J. BAER

[Whoever he is, he has an unreasoning aversion to the full stop, unlike the first Lad; and his English is even worse. Did the old crowd sell off their scam? Let's see what this lot is after...]
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
This is not what I wanted to hear. If Richard Green is a crook or something, then what about Ernest Hamburg? I want answers and I want them pronto!
Mr Baer,
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer

[A lot of Lads claim to have religion. Just wait and see with this one...]
05 September 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
I received your mail in accordance to my directive,Like you stated that isn't what you want to hear, can you please explain to me what you want for now,hence Following your request be informed that the person using the name of Ernest Hamburg is not Ernest Hamburg you fell to be in communication with, I wonder how people behave because of worldly things to loose their soul and faith in Christ.then if you doubt me, I give you time to continue with them and confirm by yourself what will happen at last.try and get back to me today.
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
What I wanted to hear was that the money had been released to me. What I get is your glurge. But tell me this - you wrote, "the person using the name of Ernest Hamburg is not Ernest Hamburg you fell to be in communication with". Does that mean there are (in effect) two Ernest Hamburgs - the one who contacted me initially, and then some con-man who cut in? Or was there ever only one? And what the hell happens now?
Mr Baer,
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer

["So, the old Drug Free Certificate Trick! Second time that's been tried on me this month". ]
06 September 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
I received your mail,Like you requested the person you are in contact with is never Ernest Hamburg rather answers the name of Ernest Hamburg,Like I earlier informed you, I am the only person that have the legal right to sign the release your money and will proof that to you by making sure you are in postion of your money within 24hours you certify the Nigerian National drug law enforcement agent requirments because that is above my capacity by sending to us the Drug Free Certificate which will gurantee me to sign the release of your money,this certificate will proof that your money is free from criminal origins,not from the sale of illicit Hard drugs such as cocaine,heroine,Opium and such related drugs,free from Money laundering and incumbencies not from economic sabotage.this certificate is very important because even as this money enters your account your bank will demand for that such as the authorities here will demand for it before signing the release of the money,Once again be informed that I will not require any fee from you to sign the release of your money,only to direct you to the right channel to get this certificate here in Nigeria or alternatively we can get it for you that is only where you suppose to pay fee to get it,hence get back to me today.
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
That didn't clear up anything.
So far you've made some big claims and given me no reason to believe you. In short, why should I have any confidence in you at all?
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
07 September 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, Why I have not hear from you since then,is very important you get back to me today.
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
I was about to ask you the same gorram question!
Hans Baer
08 September 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
Good morning,How are you today please be informed that I did not understand what you mean by "I was about to ask you the same gorram question! Hence I informed you that your money will be sign for me as soon as we received the drug free certificate through their office which I will direct you or the fee for the certificate as I have explain to you the need for the certificate, and I proof my self to you by making sure you received your money within 24hours this certificate is obtained.
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
Why did you ignore this question? "So far you've made some big claims and given me no reason to believe you. In short, why should I have any confidence in you at all?" Well?
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer

[Taking Lad religion to new depths, he's the first Lad to give me a prayer to recite.]
09 September 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
Good morning, you mention that I never answered your question,while I know I have answered every of your quetion,you are free to state the question,tell me the reason which I will give you so that you will beleive,I have informed you that I will proof myself by sending your money to you with 24hours we receive this certificate.one more thing know that I am not pleading you to get what belongs to you and I can never tell lies,Like I earler informed you that I never finish the work of God assign to me think of telling lies,do you know what it takes for one to lie against the holy spirit, am I sure you know really the case of Annanais and sapharia in the bible who lie against the holy spirit and their reward.I inform you that God has anointed me as a minster of reconciliation, propagating the Gospel of our Lord jesus christ with all fervour and dedication.I am not slothful in this great commission but I am aglow burning with the Zeal of the spirit, Father we thank you for making us Wise and guiding us by your wisdom to dig our foundation deep in the rock, which is christ.by this we know we can outlast every storm that rages againts us for he that is in us is greater than he that is in the world ,in Jesus Name,Amen! (2 chronicles 20:20)hear me, O judah, and ye inhabitants of jerusalem; Believe in the Lord your God,so shall ye be established; Beleive his prophets,so shall ye prosper
talks to God "Father I thank you for the revelation of your word to me this day.I'm resolved this day to trust and beleive the words of the man who you have annointed for my sake.I'm learning now to take advantage of this truth,in Jesus Name, Amen!
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
I have nothing beyond your mere word that you are to be trusted. That ain't enough. After the lies from Hamburg and Green, I'm taking nothing on sheer trust.
I want that certificate up front before I'll even think of parting with a dime. And I stopped believing in the all-merciful God of Sunday School years ago. I've seen too much pointless suffering and senseless evil. I also don't believe that prayer achieves a gorram thing, so that piece of doggerel that you supplied ain't passing my lips. You know what to do, so do it.
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer

[He's dropped the glurge now I've told him it's no good! ]
09 October 2006

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds
Be noted that I received your mail we are unable to get back to you because it was weekend and this morning I saw your mail.you said in quote that "You know what to do, so do it" what I will do is to make sure I remit your money and that your money gets to you in good faith Like you requested how can we get the certificate without the fee there is no way it will be possible,I have discuss with our Legal advicer Enefiok Udoh in regard to the certificate since I know that is the only thing that is hindering your payment,and he advice that there is no way he can get the certificate without the fee because he don't manufacture it,but if possible that you can get it and send to us more better no one requires your fee alternatively that he can send to you a copy of his call to bar certificate as a lawyer which is the most Vital thing in his life so that you can send the fee for him to obtain the certificate hence is up to you to decide on what next you want us to do.
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds

[So how many times do you have to slap a Lad before he comes around to your point of view? ]
Mr Baer,
I don't know how many more times I can say this, but all your talk about how trustworthy you are doesn't cut it! And I NEVER asked about how to get this certificate without a fee! Either read my emails before you reply, or don't bother replying at all!
Malcolm Reynolds
Enefiok Udoh/
Hans Baer
12 September 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, I am Enefiok Udoh the Legal advicer to Hans, he advice me to write to you through his own email address, in regard to the issue of the certificate,I attach here a copy of my call to bar certificate as a lawyer and a member of Nigerian Bar association for your confidence and assurance towards your payment,for you to have that confidence to send the fee for the certificate. Enefiok Udoh



[Good, a lawyer Lad - I prefer a target-rich environment! ]
Malcolm Reynolds

[If the Lad is too afraid (or too dumb) to mention the money, I guess I'll have to give him a hint...]
Mr Baer, Mr Udoh,
Here's something I should have noticed before; you've been after me to send money, but all this time you NEVER said HOW MUCH!
Malcolm Reynolds
Enefiok Udoh/
Hans Baer

[At last, an amount - and more than twice as much as the bank wanted. ]
13 September 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, Like you noted,Please we are not after you to send money,Mr Baer informed you that if we have the original certificate from the right source here in Nigeria there is no problem,is only for you to send it to him for the signing and release of your money,then alternatively if you don't have it then you can send the fee for us to obtain it which is US$7,500 (Seven thousand five hundred united states dollars)I am the legal advicer that will get this for you not Mr Baer,
and handed over to Mr Baer,
to verify and sign the release of your money, following the immediate remittance in the mode you want it,Once again my brother no one is after your money rather we are doing our professional Job, at the same time assisting you so that you will no longer fall in the hands of bad people,it was Mr Baer,
who persuaded me to send my copy of vital certificate for you which is my life and enough evidence for you to trap me if there is anything funny at last.
Yours Truly
Enefiok Udoh
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer, Mr Udoh,
Getting facts out of you is like pulling teeth! First you try to club me into submission with religious glurge, and then you give me promise after promise, now (eventually) you give me information, in which you tell me that I'm to pay a small fortune for a gorram piece of paper! I've already lost $3000 on this deal with NOTHING to show for it, and now you want me to toss in more than twice as much, with just that certificate as assurance. Well, you know something? I have no gorram idea what one of those certificates should look like. I have no proof worth a damn that the money exists. I don't want more of your half-assed Bible blather. I want HARD FACTS and I want them RIGHT NOW.
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
14 September 2006

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds,
Please never have such thinking over me beacuse I am a straight forward Man,as a matter of fact I made you understand that this certificate in question (DRUG FREE CERTIFICATE) is demanded every part of the world mainly on money remittance and at the same time I informed you that this certificate is to ensure that your money is not from any criminal origin or from the sale of illicit hard drugs such as Cocaine,Heroine,Opium and other related drugs,not from money laundering,economic sabortage or incumbencies
I don't Know how we can give you sample of the certificate,is only when we receive the fee and obtain the certificate that we will send you the Certificate for verification and will obtain the payment approval from the federal ministry of finance which will be endorse by the Accountant General of this Federation and endorse for release by me and forwarded to you for final endorsment,following the immediate remittance of your money within 24hours you endorse and return it to us,very simple.this is the only procedure involved in your payment,I hope this is the exact fact you need to get from me. and nothing move more than this or less than this
HANS J. BAER
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer, Mr Udoh,
Oh, I believe you're both straightforward - and both as thick as a gorram plank. I don't give a hairy rat's butt about the certificate, I never asked for a sample of it. What I want is proof that the money exists. Do what you have to do, but get that proof to me.
Malcolm Reynolds
Enefiok Udoh/
Hans Baer

[He wants to know what "gorram" means - he's the first Lad to ask about it. ]
15 September 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
I don't know how best to proof this,hence Enefiok Udoh has sent his Call to bar certificate as a lawyer to you to proof himself to you and confirm to you that your money is in existence of which if at the end,it sounds funny you have every right to trap him with that.secondly when we have the fee and obtain the Drug free certificate the copy will be given to you that also proof the existence of your money in our custody because the authorities (National Drug Law enforcement agent (NDLEA) will verify before given the certificate hence receiving the certificate confirm that and with that certificate we will obtain payment approval documents from the Federal Ministry of Finance that will be endorsed by the accountant general of this Federation which will be also given to you for endorsment that is another evidence because the have to verify before that
How do you mean by this word "gorram" often use by you Malcolm
Please I know my postion and can not lie because of worldly things,if you are not intereted in your money confirm to us,to enable us file it for confisication it is to our advantage is like I am pleading you even to get your inheritance.
Best Regards
HANS J. BAER
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
Haven't you ever heard of gorram periods? That was just about unreadable!
That bar certificate was just fine and dandy, but it says nothing about the money. Good grief man, just scan in the documents about the money, and your ID would be good too. And you want to know what gorram means? Well, once you've toted an M-16 for Uncle Sam, or flown an AH-1 into hostile airspace, you'll have a chance to find out. Have a nice day.
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
04 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
We have been expecting to hear from you with regard to the fee to conclude the approval/remittance of your money.
Yours Truly
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
I asked you a question before, and you refused to answer it. No answer, no conclusion. Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
04 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, Good for your prompt reply,I thought I answered all your question,if that is not true please what is the question? I will give you a prompt answer. Yours Truly Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
I want proof that the money exists.
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
05 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, Like you stated,I know I have answered the quetion before hence what exactly proof do you need for you to confirm that your money exist notify me today hence I have noted you before that you can only be sure of of the existence of your money when we receive the fee and secure the final payment approvals which will be endorsed by the accountant general of this federation and finaly the bank approval and approval from the national drug law enforcement agent which all will be forwarded to you for final endorsment then seeing all the approvals that are endorsed by the authorities you have to beleive your payment beside as soon as you endorse and return to us it takes only 24hours to remit your money.hence we have not secure all these I don't know the proof I will give you that is why I ask you to be specific on the type of proof you need.
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
Are you a complete moron or just trying to appear like one?
You NEVER answered that question.
I am NOT going to send ANY MONEY without some proof from you that the five million dollars exist. A copy or scan of the contract file would be just right.
The more you bluster and rant, the worse it looks for you.
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
09 October 2006

Dear
Be noted that we received your mail though the delay in communication is all the processes we have gone to get the official deposit certificate and the total amount deposited by his uncle Dagogo Williams before the money was finally splited to different bank by the owner with the assistance of the Uncle which is late now.you are here by expected to call me with 234-806-657-6880 for any further explanation.
Yours Truly
Hans



[Well, that changes things.
It looks like Ernest and Hans weren't on speaking terms after all. ]
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
What the hell has this got to do with our business?
Ernst Hamburg offered me a cut of $5 million in a bank account. Now suddenly it's $25 million in a gorram box somewhere! How the rutting hell did this happen?
I'd call, but the number ain't connecting.
Get back to me ASAP and explain!
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
10 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
Good morning,
With reference to your mail received,Like you rightly said here is the total money Ernest Hamburg deposited through his uncle Williams Dagogo before it was splited into different banks, and there is only one deposit certificate for this effect, other splitting is through telegraphic wire transfer hence
I have to go for the deposit certificate for your assurance,hence there is constant withdrawl till the last he willed to you.send your number for me to call you.
Yours Truly
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
You told me that Ernest Hamburg was a fraud originally, and now you're telling me that he left a bunch of money to me?
What the gorram hell is going on?
Malcolm Reynolds

[Of course I'm confused.
I can only hope the Lads are!]
Hans Baer
11 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, Good morning,Please you confuse issues,I told you that who ever wrote to you in the name of ernest hamburg is not the original Ernest Hamburg,I never tell you that ernest hamburg do not exit,if so who then have this fund for you.
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
So where the hell is the real Ernest Hamburg? I want to hear from him as I want a complete explanation of how this came about.
Do it now!
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
12 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
Following your mail received,be informed that Ernest Hamburg is late a week after he willed the money to you,that is why those criminals are able to use his name.
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
Exactly when did Ernest Hamburg die? And why did he will his money to me, given that the Ernest Hamburg who contacted me was the fake?
I am STILL confused.
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
13 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, I think is better we conclude everything on phone hence try to reach me with +234-806-657-6880 or you give me your direct line that I can get you at any time,hence like you requested it was the real Ernest Hamburg who contacted you first before the sudden death as a result of Hiv infection after a week before the criminals take the advantage of his death to comunicate to you.
Best Regards
Hans

[Is this what the Lads want me to believe?]
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
So it goes like this...
Ernest Hamburg, dying of HIV-AIDs, decides to leave me a fortune in cash, but dies before he can complete the process.
So who was he, and why did he choose me?
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer

[Apparently so!]
13 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, Good morning,I received your mail, you should understand that there is some quetion mear'nt for Ernest hamburg to answer hard it been he is alive than me,all I know is that at the point of his death he was baptised and a christian convert,until his death was a former managing director and pioneer staff of a giant construction company. He Loved to give out.His great philanthropy earned him numerous awards during his life time,Being a widely travelled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good or reason best known to him. Once again I suggested that you call me or give me your direct number to reach you on phone.
Best Regards
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds

[Apologies for the slightly derogatory references to gay men here.]
Mr Baer,
Unless this Ernest Hamburg was in the United States Marine Corps there's not much of a chance our paths would have crossed - and I sure as hell never heard of him any time since I left the Corps, nor did any of my buddies or contacts ever tell me about him.
Sure if anyone I know had ever met some faggot construction firm CEO, I never got to hear anything about it.
Are you even sure I'm the right guy here? Sounds like the one you want came out of San Francisco, not Charleston.
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
13 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
Good morning,with respect to your mail received,you are the rightful beneficiary of this fund,I can not make such a costly mistake in a financial matter to contact a wrong person.are you aware of any movie theater
Yours Truly

[WTF?]
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
Have you been drinking?
What the hell has a gorram movie theater got to do with this?
Malcolm Reynolds
Hans Baer
16 October 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds
, I have explain everything about your payment beyound reasonable doubt,all for you now.
Yours Truly
Hans
Malcolm Reynolds
Mr Baer,
All you've done is confuse the issue.
Where is the documentation stating that I am his chosen beneficiary? That should be the first item on the gorram list.
Malcolm Reynolds


[Unfortunately they gave up here. I'm wondering if they'd made the link between Malcolm Reynolds and Serenity...]

[If so, not for three months :) Another public service from Mal Reynolds.]

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