YUSAPLONKA (EAST OF WATTAWANKA)


Haven't you wondered about those random inquiries from (supposedly) Chinese manufacturers of random stuff? Lonslo took one on in 2012 and here is the result. The Lad actually sounds kind of Chinese, but we aren't sure.

Lonslo Tossov, senior operative, has received Royal recognition and the admiration of the intelligence community for exploits such as the other one currently in play: MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU II.

He also masterminded such exploits as HOW ARE THINGS IN MBALONGA, LAST-MINUTE WITHDRAWAL, and such Foreign Office takedowns such as A REAL CHARLIE and THE SCAMMISH ARMADA.

Featuring
WANCY - as Chinese as he wants to be
versus
LONSLO TOSSOV - Foreign Office agent and bon vivant


Wancy

From: 20120620@googlemail.com

Dear Sir/Madam,

This is Qingdao Jinli Trading Co.,Ltd, the manufacturer of Detergent Raw Materials, high quality and better price.
We are one of the leading manufacturers in China.
The following are our products:
LABSA
SLES
STPP

Should you need our products, please don't hesitate to contract me,best price will be quoted!

Regards,
Wancy
E-mail: Wancy@jinlism.com
Company Name: Qingdao Jinli Trading Co.,Ltd
Web:http://jinlism.diytrade.com

Lonslo Tossov

To: wancy@jinlism.com

Dear Wanky

This may be of interest. We often have need of suitable cleaning material for the contract we have with the Royal Household, where standards are high. However we would need assurance that your products would not shrink, fade or otherwise degenerate the fabrics we have to deal with.

I attach two some images of the range of material we have to work with, especially with the Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall. In particular we have problems with claret stains and frequent horse sweating on bottoms.

Regards
TOSSOV
Lonslo Tossov
Cack & Chavster Tailors
69 Kustardt Levy
Muggins
Smegaroonshire
UR1
PRAT

Tel/fax 44 (0)906 xxx xxxx

Wancy

Dear Tossov ,

Thank you for your reply. I know you request high standard of the goods, please rest assured the quality of our products. We manufacture Detergent Raw Materials for many years, has good reputation in this industry.

Would you please tell me which items do you need, LABSA, SLES or STPP ? I attached three images of the items's specification at the request of high standard.

We looking forward for your early reply.

Best
Regards
Wancy

Wancy
Lonslo Tossov

Dear Mr Wancy

We are considering which might be best. Which can best be recommended for Harris Tweed plus fours, especially those with grass stains in the posteriors and knees? Also what is the estimated time of shipping to the UK?

Wancy

A week later:

Dear Tossov ,

Thank you for your reply.

We recommend SLES for you, but It is determined by your technical personnel. We are pleased to offer you a favorable price when you decide which product you will buy. We will deliver goods after receive your deposit within 10-15 days. And the voyage time is 35 days.

We will appreciated for your timely reply.

Best Regards

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

A week after that:

Dear Mr Wanky

How can you deliver goods within 10-15 days if the voyage takes 35?

Also what news about the Plus Fours staining problem. It can be a real issue at the Palace after Wentworth. HRH went through 8 pairs last season in a week alone.

Wancy

A few days later:

Dear Tossov ,

I mean we need 10-15 days to prepare the goods, and it takes 35 days to deliver the goods to destination port.

I know you need to solve the staining problem. you can place an small trial order of 20 tons first. We believe that our product decontamination ability is very good. If our product can solve your staining problem, We can continue our cooperation.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

A few days later:

Dear Mr Wanky

Thank you for your prompt reply. I must say that 20 tons seems an awful lot for the amount of gentlemanly and sporting stains we have constantly to work on here. This is garmentry from the royal party after all, not the sheets from a knocking shop. Is there any less quantity that can be supplied in the first instance?

Lonslo Tossov
Cack & Chavster Tailors

Wancy

A week later:

Dear Tossov , Do you receive my email, could you kindly tell me if you can accept the quantity of 5 tons? Hope your early reply, thank you.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

Gets back to Wancy after several weeks:

Dear Mr Wanky

I must admit to some hesitation. 5 tons seems a lot in the circumstances. We would have to store it in the stables along Horse Guard Parade. How many plus fours would be cleaned of difficult stains with that amount of powder? Normally Mrs Kwims here just adds a couple shakes of Persil and put the pants on hot wash. Also would the product make the colour run, or create any chafing for the royal engagements?

Lonslo

Wancy

Next day!

Dear Lonslo,

In this case, can you tell me how many would you like to order? How many product is suitable for you? As to how many difficult stains can be cleaned with that amount of powder , it is determined by your finished product, what I only can guarantee is the quality of SLES. Hope your timely reply, thank you.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

11 days later:

Dear Mr Wanky

We seem to have a lot of stains to deal with here at the moment, how soon did you say you can get some powders to us? HRH was around again showing his grass smears and I hate to give him the brush off for obvious reasons.

Having looked again at the condition of the laundry room in the basement with quite a back log, I think we'd be looking at a container load.

Wancy

Next day!

Dear Lonslo,

About four working days we can send some samples to you, but you need to pay the postage. Maybe our products can solve your problem. When you place the order, we will return the postage back to you.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

A week goes by before Lonslo answers:

Dear Mr Wancy

Just a further thought: does SLES come in a range of scents? I know they are partial to parma violet, rosemary, and evening hankypanky at the palace. We would not want clothes to come out stinking like a stale pot noodle after all. Sorry to be particular, but we must be sure of our suppliers.

Wancy

Now Wancy waits a week to reply.

Dear Lonslo,

Our products never have this case you worried. You will be assured of our products after sampling. We believe the high quality of our product.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

Dear Mr Wancy

We have just had a huge pile of athletics gear in from the Olympics, full of track and field stains. Under our contract with the Games authorities we need a quick turnaround and no fading of corporate logos. How soon can we get things moving? I am up to my armpits here in soiled spandex and tainted Speedos.

Lonslo

Wancy

Dear Lonslo,

I have to emphasize the high quality of our products. If you worry the quality, we can send samples to you, it need about 4 days. If you trust the high quality of our product, you can considering a small trial order, one ton or several tons. It need about 20 days. We can continue our cooperation when our product solve your problem. If you are not satisfied with our product, we can looking forward to cooperate in the future.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

Dear Mr Wanky

Yes please send me those samples, that would be very useful. How will they be sent? Will I have to arrange collection from the docks?

One or two tons might be enough, there is room in the coal cellar, move over the squatters some.

Regards

Lonslo T

Lonslo Tossov
Cack & Chavster Tailors

Wancy

Dear Lonslo,

Thanks for trusting our product. I believe you won't be disappoint with the quality of the products. I think I should quote you the price, CIF 1420 USD/ton London. And can you tell me how many samples do you need? Which mode of transportation do you like, sea transportation or air transportation?

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

Dear Mr Wanky

After some thought I think I would prefer 50 tons sent by air transport. Can a flight be directed to Smegaroon International?

Wancy

A few days later

Dear Lonslo,

Are there any other port is convenient to you $B!) (BIn general $B!$ (Bit's better to use sea transportation for 50 tons. Please tell me you decision.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

Dear Mr Wanky

Perhaps you are right, also the freight connections to Smegaroon can sometimes be a little doubtful. Are you able to ship to Yusaplonka? I think that would work out alright.

Wancy

Dear Lonslo,

We never hear of Smegaroon, can you tell us another big port that we know??

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

Dear Mr Wancy

That is most peculiar. I drive past the docks every day. The alternative destination one imagines is Narnia, perhaps you could pack the delivery into a wardrobe?

Lonslo

Wancy

Another week...

Dear Lonslo,

Which country are you from, Britain or where does not exist-Narnia? I think you should be a wild beast or dwarf or a person looked like sheep and horse in Narnia. Perhaps you are not from Narnia, you are from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Are you Voldemort? no, may be you are Wormtail.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

Dear Mr Wancy I hope you are not mocking one of our great literary treasures! Alas, now I fear I will have to take my business elsewhere. TOSSOV

Lonslo Tossov
Cack & Chavster Tailors

Wancy

Dear Lonslo,

I never hear of Yusaplonka and Smegaroon, they are not exist. I am not mocking Narnia and Harry Potter, just say you. And bye bye~

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

Dear Mr Wanky

You may not have heard of Yusaplonka. But I know it when I see one.

TOSSOV

Lonslo Tossov
Cack & Chavster Tailors

Wancy

Has he not given up?

Dear Lonslo,
I know about 100 ports in your country, but threre is no Yusaplonka. The shipping company could not arrive there. If you can tell me a bigger port which most people know about it, I believe that the shipping company can reach there.

Wancy

Lonslo Tossov

If you really can't find our preferred port, then can you make the delivery to Wattawanka? I am sure at least you must recognise that name. We really can't wait much longer, and feel we are just been jerked around.
Lonslo

Lonslo Tossov
Cack & Chavster Tailors

...and at that point, "Wancy" did give up.

 

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