Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie is the mastermind behind DON'T FALSE ME TO DO STUPID THING TO YOU, fending off death threats from scammers posing as FBI agents. His last appearance was in PLEASE, NOT THE HERBALIST!.
The Temple of the 7 stars of Golden Demon promises to help Lewd win the affection of his Admin assistant and Lewd learns that the old adages are true.
Muhamed Shakarat - Spiritual Master of the 7 Stars of Golden Demon Temple (aka Awuson Awuson, aka Wale Yusuf)
Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie- International Hotel Consultant
Out of the blue comes a spiritual advertisement!
From: Awuson Awuson <firstname.lastname@example.org>
7 STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON
WE ARE DELIGHTED TO PUBLISH TO YOU OUR SUPREME TEMPLE.7 STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON IS AN ANCIENT POWER THAT HAS EXISTED SINCE BC.THE TEMPLE HAS BEEN AMOUNG THE GREATEST SUPERNATURAL POWER RULING THE UNIVERSE.OUR POWER HAS BEEN MADE TO BRING PEACE AND SOLUTION TO BARRIES AND TO GRANT YOUR DREAM,FOR YOU TO BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR DREAM AND STAR.WE HAVE COME TO DECLARE PEACE TO THE WORLD DESPITE YOUR PEDIGREE,PROBLEMS,SICKNESS,COUNTRY ETC.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?CONTACT US FOR WE HAVE SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS AND NEED.
WE HAVE THE POWER TO COMMAND YOUR PROBLEMS AND YOU WILL NOT SEE THEM AGAIN.7 STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON HAS THE POWER AND CURE TO THESE FOLLOWING LISTED PROBLEMS BELOW
WE HAVE THE CURE AND POWER TO HEAL AND TO CORRECT ALL THESE MENTIONED PROBLEMS.7 STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON HAS A VARIOUSE RINGS MAINT FOR THE FOLLOWING PURPOSES.
1.RING TO COMMAND WEALTH
7 STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON IS A SPIRITUAL TEMPLE MAINT TO SECURE LIVES AND BRING PEACE TO THEM.YOU ARE FREE TO BE A MEMBER OF 7 STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON HOW? JUST EMAIL US AND TELL US YOUR INTEREST WE SHALL SEND OUR MEMBERSHIP FORM FOR YOU TO FILL.
FEEL FREE TO CONTACT US FOR WE ARE AVAILABLE TO ASSIST YOU IN EVERY AREA OF YOUR PROBLEMS,WE ARE THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEMS.
CONTACT US IMMIDIATELY WITH OUR DETAILS
As it happens, Lewd does need help!
Your email caught my attention and I feel your Temple/Organization may be able to help me solve some of my problems. I really don't know where to start telling you about all the things I have to deal with but your list can help:
1.AIDS - Not yet, knock on wood.
2.MASTERBATION - Uh, a major problem, more often than I care to admit, but certainly no more than 4 or 5 times a day. Six tops. You have to understand that I live in a remote region of the Russian Far East and the only two women around are my very hot but unapproachable Admin Assistant and a short, stocky East German massage therapist. Not a lot to choose from there.
3.DIABETES - Not yet, knock on wood.
4.IMPOTENCY - Probably, it's been so long since I tried.
5.WITCHCRAFT ATTACK I have my suspicions about the East German massage therapist. She has a very bad temper and bad things always happen to me when she gets mad.
6.BADLUCK. - See items 2, 4 and 5.
7.MARRIAGE PROBLEMS - Not so much since I dumped my fifth wife.
8.ABILILTY TO KNOW YOUR RIGHT HUSBAND OR WIFE - Obviously a problem, see item 7.
9.LEPROSY - Jeez, I hope not. The LAST thing I need is body parts falling off.
10.BLINDNESS - eyesight is definitely getting much worse lately, see item 2.
11.BARRINESS ETC - not sure what that is but I've probably got it in spades.
I'm sure you don't usually have to deal with someone with so many problems. I would like your honest opinion on whether or not your Temple can be of help.
I anxiously await your response.
Not so fast - is Lewd sincere enough to merit their help?
THANKS FOR CONTACTING US.WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THE MAJOR REASONS YOU CONTACTED US SO THAT WE WILL KNOW HOW TO PLACE OUR ATTENTION IN YOU.WE WANT TO KNOW YOUR PROBLEMS OR YOU WANT TO BE OUR MEMBER? 7 STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON ACCEPT MEMBERS WHO ARE STRONG IN MIND AND WHO CAN KEEP THE SECRET OF THE SUPREM TEMPLE.WE HIGHLY WANT YOU TO EXPRESS OPENLY YOUR REASONS WHY YOU SEEKING FOR OUR ATTENTION THEN IF YOUR REASONS IS ACCEPTED BY OUR SUPREM TEMPLE WE WILL GET BACK TO YOU WITHIN 5 HOURS.
REMEMBER WE ARE HERE TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS NO MATTER HOW BIG IT IS ,TELL US WHY YOU ARE SEEKING FOR OUR HELP,DO YOU WANT TO BE OUR MEMBER?OR DO YOU NEED OUR HELP?REPLY US IMMEDITALEY OR CALL OUR SUPREM TEMPLE HEAD DIRECTLY WITH HIS PHONE NUMBER 0022371900211
THANKS FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION.
I would very much like to know more about your temple and it's teachings. As you can see from my previous email that my life is a mess and I need help. I assure you that I am strong of mind (relatively) and can keep the temple's secrets.
I hope to hear from you soon.
THANKS FOR CONTACTING US,SEVEN STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON IS AN ANCIENT TEMPLE WHICH HAS THE POWER TO BRING PEACE AND SATISFACTION TO ANY OF OUR CONSULTANT.YOU ARE BEEN INFLUENCED BY MARINE WORLD WITCHCRAFTY .
WE ARE GOING TO WORK FOR YOU SO THAT YOU WILL BE FREE FROM ALL THESE YOUR PROBLEMS AND WE SHALL MAKE YOU TO HAVE INCONTROL OF YOUR ENVIROMENT.WE ARE GOING TO SANTIFY YOU SPIRITUALLY FOR 5 DAYS THEN AFTER THAT WE WILL SEND OUR ANCIENT GOLDEN RING TO YOU,THE RING IS TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE SPIRIT OF WITCHCRAFTY.AFTER OUR SPIRITUAL SANTIFICATION YOU WILL BE PERFECT
ALL WE NEED FROM YOU IS TO FOLLOW UP OUR INSTRCUTIONS AND DIRECTION.OUR RING IS MADE FROM ANCIENT DAME IN SHAKIRAT TEMPLE OF THE GOLDEN DEMONS WHICH HAS THE POWER AND AUTHORITY TO COMMAND LOVE AND WEALTH IF YOU CAN PERFORM ITS SPIRITUAL SACRIFICIAL PROCEDURES.
OUR GOLDEN RING IS VERY STRONG AND POWERFUL WHICH YOU CAN USE IT TO COMMAND WEALTH AND LOVE.THE RING IS TO COMMAND
WEALTH,LOVE,RESPECT AND AUTHORITY OVER THE PERSON YOU WANTS,THE PERSON WILL RESPECT YOU,ADORE YOU AND WILL DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT HER TO DO FOR YOU AND THE RING WILL MAKE YOU TO BE RICH.
SIR,WE SHALL PROCEED ON THE SPIRITUAL SACRIFIES FOR YOU AS SOON AS WE RECIEVE YOUR DETAILS IMMEDIATELY AND THE SPIRITUAL SACRIFIFIES WILL LAST FOR 5 DAYS INTERVAL AS SOON AS WE SANTIFIED OUR WORK WE SHALL DELIVER THE GOLDEN RING TO YOU THROUGH DHL IN NEXT 24 HOURS FOR YOUR USE AND HOW YOU WILL USE IT WHICH WE SHALL UPDATE YOU LATER.
AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE THESE INFORMATIONS FROM YOU WE SHALL PROCEED ON OUR SPIRITUAL SANTIFICATIONS THEN WE WILL UPDATE YOU FURTHER THE TEMPLE PROCEDURES.
This is a bit like astrology scams (offers to 'clean' your money by taking it from you), only funnier.
Marine World Witchcrafty? I'm not sure what that is but it does NOT sound good. Is this what has been screwing up my life lately?
I would like to begin the santification and sacrififies IMMEDIATELY. The information you requested is below:
Name: Lewis D. Noogie
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT WE HAVE RECEIVED YOUR INFORMATION AND WE SHALL COMMENCE OUR SPIRITUAL SANTIFICATION IMMEDIATELY.OUR SUPREME TEMPLE WISH TO INFORM THAT 7 STARS ANCIENT GOLDEN DEMON IS A POWERFUL TEMPLE WHICH WE BELIEVE YOU MUST ABIDE AND KEEP THE SECRET OF THESE TEMPLE BECAUSE WE HAVE ACCEPT TO WORK FOR YOU AS OUR IDEAL CONSULTANT.
TO PROCEED WE NEED URGENTLY INDIAN ANCIENT RED CANDLE,AND SHAKARMA ANCIANT OIL FROM INDIA DAHEIL TEMPLE WHICH THE COST TO PURCHASE THESE WILL COST JUST 350 US DOLLARS ONLY.WE ARE PROCEEDING WITH YOUR INFORMATION WHICH WE WILL INFORM YOU WHAT TO DO IN NEXT 24 HOURS A SOON AS WE BUY THE ITEMS LISTED ABOVE.
YOU ARE TO SEND US 350 US DOLLAR IMMEDIATELY THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE CAN PURCHASE THESE NEEDED ITEMS FOR THE SPIRITUAL SANTIFICATION AND FOR THE PERFECTION OF THE WORK.
SEND THE MONEY DIRECT WITH OUR ASSISTANT HEAD TEMPLE INFORMATIONS
REMEMBER YOUR WORK SUPPOSED TO STARTS TONIGHT SO ENDEAVOUR TO MAKE THE TRANSFER IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE CAN PURCHASE THOSE ITEMS FOR THE SPIRITUAL SANTIFICATIONS
N/B DO NOT WORRY AS SOON AS OUR SPIRITUAL SANTIFICATION IS OVER YOU WILL REGAIN YOUR PERFECT BEEN AND YOU WILL BE FREE FROM ALL YOUR PROBLEMS FOR YOU TO SEE AND BELIEVE THAT 7 STARS OF GOLDEN DEMON IS THE GREATEST.CALL OUR TEMPLE HEAD 00233549633998
Thank you for responding so quickly.
$350 seems like a lot to pay for an old candle and some oil so I want to be sure that this is going to work. The one thing that would go a long way toward eliminating stress in my life is if I could make my Admin Assistant Ms. Bushburn more compliant in helping me with my, uh, needs, if you get my drift. She runs around this office, even in the dead of winter, in these hot little outfits knowing full well that she's driving me up the wall but she pays no attention to me other than maybe a hello in the morning. I frequently find it necessary to find a private place to, uh, relieve 'tension'. You said that the sanctification could give me the power to make her adore me and do whatever I want her to do for me - can you guarantee this? This is very, very important to me right now.Lewis
WE WANT TO INFORM YOU THAT 7 STARS GOLDEN DEMON IS NEVER A PLACE FOR JOKERS BECAUSE WE HAVE DONE AND HANDLE GREATER PROBLEMS THAT IS MORE THAN YOURS.OUR TEMPLE HAS THE POWER TO CHANGE LIVES AND BRING PEACE AND SATISFACTION TO OUR CONSULTANT.AS SOON AS WE FINISH OUR SPIRITUAL SANCTIFICATION YOU WILL SEE AND BELIEVE THAT 7 STARS GOLDEN DEMON IS THE GREAT I AM.TRY OUR POWER FOR YOU TO CONFESS AND BELIEVE THAT WE ARE THE GREATEST.WE ARE READY TO START THE SANCTIFICATION IMMEDIATELY SO TRY ALL YOUR BEST TO SEND THE MONEY TODAY SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED OUR SANCTIFICATION TONIGHT.AS I EARLIER TOLD YOU IS 5 DAYS SPIRITUAL SANCTIFICATION AND WE SHALL INFORM YOU WHAT TO DO AS SOON AS WE COMMENCE SO THAT YOU CAN JOIN US IN THE SPIRIT.IS VERY URGENT
I assure you that everything I have told you is NOT a joke and I am very serious about you and your organization. You have to understand that I've been in this remote place for nearly eight months and I have needs that must be taken care of. As I am scheduled to be here for the next ten months, you people are my last hope. All I am looking for is reassurance that your methods work.Lewis
Sir if you are not ready to proceed with our instruction within 24 hours we will stop our communication with you.
I apologize for not responding sooner but I had to make a trip to Irkutsk to get a stronger prescription for my glasses, the third time this month. The lenses are so thick that I'm barely able to hold my head up when I'm wearing them. A normal person would be able to read billboards on Mars with these things.
I'm ready to proceed.
You are requested to send the money for the items let your next mail be for the payment details because we does not have time.
SEND THE MONEY DIRECT WITH OUR ASSISTANT HEAD TEMPLE INFORMATIONS
I have a small problem sending you the money today. I live and work in a small remote village in the Russian Far East and the nearest Western Union is in Irkutsk, about an 8-hour drive from here. I will be able to send my Admin Assistant there with the money sometime Wednesday or Thursday. I presume this will be acceptable to you.
If we send the money to you on Thursday can we go ahead and begin the sanctification now? I really, really need this.Lewis
WE HAVE RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND WE HAVE ACCEPT TO PROCEED OUR SPIRITUAL SANCTIFICATION FOR YOU STARTING FROM FRIDAY THIS WEEK.OUR TEMPLE THERE BY URGE YOU TO COMPLY WITH YOUR ARRANGEMENT LATEST BY THURSDAY SO THAT WE CAN BUY THE REQUIRED ITEMS AND PROCEED.OUR TEMPLE WILL INFORM YOU WHAT TO DO AS SOON AS WE COMMENCE OUR SPIRITUAL SANCTIFICATION.WE ARE HERE TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS AND WE HOPE TO PROCEED AS SOON AS WE CONFIRM YOUR SERIOUSNESS WHICH WE HAVE ACCEPT TO PROCEED LATEST BY FRIDAY SO DO NOT FAIL OUR TEMPLE ARRANGEMENT WITH YOU FOR WE ARE SET TO COMMENCE.PEACE OF THE FATHER BE WITH YOU
I would prefer that you go ahead and start the sanctification today but if you have to wait until Friday I guess that's ok.
I am very concerned about the influence of the Marine World Witchcrafty you said I'm under. Even after the sanctification I worry that whoever is using that against me might try again. Could you also send me the form you mentioned so that I can become a full member of the temple.
WE HAVE SEEN YOUR MAIL.WE ARE PROCEEDING OUR SANCTIFICATION BY FRIDAY THIS WEEK AS SOON AS WE BUY THE REQUIRED ITEMS NEED FOR THE WORK.WE SHALL SEND YOU OUR MEMBERSHIP FORM AS SOON AS WE CONFIRMED YOUR READINESS TO JOIN FULLY AND THAT WILL BE AFTER WE HAVE FINISHED OUR SPIRITUAL SANCTIFICATION FOR YOU BEFORE WE CAN BE CONVINCED.WE URGE YOU TO MAKE THE PAYMENT SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED,OUR SANCTIFICATION WILL COMMENCE BY FRIDAY SO DO NOT FAIL FOR THAT IS THE LAST ULTIMATUM
Guys, I need to ask a big favor. Can you go ahead and buy the candle and the oil and get this show on the road today? You can count on receiving the $350 on Friday but I need help now. As the weather gets warmer Ms. Bushburn's outfits get skimpier and sexier and I'm going nuts here. As a result my vision continues to deteriorate. We can't wait until Friday, I'll need a seeing-eye dog by then.
I'm begging you - please start the sanctification tonight!
Yours in a world o' hurt,
We shall get back to you as soon as you are ready.Our temple wish to inform you not to reply to us unless when you are ready with our procedures.We can only communicate with you as soon as we receive the payment confirmation details as you can see our medium of communication lies on your readiness to follow up our instructions.Peace
Be aware that as I type this my nose is only a couple centimeters from the keyboard and I can still just barely see what I'm doing. Please, you must begin the sacrififies and sanctification NOW! Oh, the humanity!
Don't worry about the money, Lewd Noogie always pays his debts. Please start TODAY!Lewis
Tomorrow is Thursday make sure you send the money so that we can buy the items and commence on Friday as we arranged .Peace
We are still waiting for the payment details so that we can purchase the items is urgent .
Well, I hope you jerkoffs (I apologize for that - I realize that it must sound a tad hypocritical coming from me) are happy, I'm blind.as a bat and can't even see to sign the Western Union form to send you the money. You could have prevented this if only you had taken your thumb out when I asked you to.Well, I suppose I can live with it since Ms. Bushburn was the last thing I saw.
I have to stop here. Olga, the East German massage therapist that works here at the hotel is going to guide me down to the hotel barber for my appointment to have my palms shaved.
Any way you guys can reverse this? What about one of those rings you mentioned?
No more from the 7 Stars of Golden Demon Temple. I'm guessing that even they have limits on the problems they can solve.