I ALWAYS GET TWO STUPID AMERICANS


A Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie production. Lewd most recently masterminded You Will Know That Africa is Not Russia. He has mastered many minds, perhaps most famously in Don't False Me to Do Stupid Thing to You, in which he fended off death threats from scammers posing as FBI agents.

I started this one simultaneously with another very similar email that I got from a 'Grace Helton', also an American soldier in Iraq.
Jessica was more responsive so I dropped Grace; Grace, however, did not drop me and kept sending me updates even though I was not responding. The two turned out to be virtually identical, even the name of the 'diplomat'. Useful later on...

Scammers
Jessica McBride- American Soldier in Iraq
Aidan Riccard - Jessica's 'Diplomat' Friend
The Other Aidan Riccard - From a Concurrent Scam

vs.

Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie- International Hotel Consultant


Jessica McBride

 

 

 

An example of the Iraq and a Hard Place sub-genre.

jessymccbride86@yahoo.com
X-Originating-IP: [195.4.92.92]
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: READ AND RESPOND IMMEDIATELY
Date: Wed, 16 Mar 2011

My name is 2nd Lt. Jessica Colby McBride, a member of the US Army Special Operations Command (USASOC) Medical Team, which was deployed to Iraq at the beginning of the war.

View below message for complete message and respond back.

[Note: scammers impersonate real soldiers. There may be a Lt. McBride somewhere. This is not her! Or the Lads may have made the persona up. They also refer to published news stories about true events to create an illusion of truthfulness.]

Lewd Noogie

Ms. McBride,

I'm sorry but I don't open attachments from people I don't know. If you have something to tell me please say it in the body of your email.

Sincerely,
Lewis D. Noogie

Jessica McBride

Hi Lewis

Compliments and thanks for your e-mail.

I know you would be surprised to read from someone relatively unknown to you. My name is 2nd Lt. Jessica Colby McBride, a member of the US Army Special Operations Command (USASOC) Medical Team, which was deployed to Iraq at the beginning of the war.

I will like to share some highly sensitive information about my personal experiences serving under the 4th Psychological Operations Group.

In the meantime, I shall await your response after reading this mail and visiting the BBC news website links below to give you an insight into what I intend sharing with you, believing that it will be of interest to you one way or the other before divulging more information about by own experience.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm
http://www.jonathanforeman.com/military/nyp_iraq/04192003_chest.html

Thus, I will appreciate it if you get back to me after visiting the above links to enable us interact and to afford me the opportunity for clarification my intentions. I am sending this message with a little bit of apprehension not knowing whether or not you will misconstrue my intent and decide to go public. In this respect therefore, I will not hesitate to say that the essence of this message is strictly for our mutual benefits and nothing more.

I will be more explicit in my next message after a confirmation e-mail from you that you have visited the links and that you understand my intentions.

Thanks and Regards.

Jessica C. Mcbride
Lewd Noogie

Lt. McBride, or Jessica, if I may,

I don't normally respond to emails from people I don't know but you caught me in a winsome mood, lonely and bored after two years in this isolated village in the Russian Far East with only a stout East German massage therapist and an unapproachable Administrative Assistant for company. That, and I have a definite thing for chicks with guns.

I wasn't able to discern from your email exactly why you wrote to me but I'm pleased that you did. I realize you're probably pretty occupied there in Iraq, what with trying to stay out of the way of incoming mortar rounds and all, but please write again if you find the time.

By the way, my friends call me Lewd (short for Lewis D.).

Lewd
Jessica McBride

She finds time.

This is standard "Three Kings" Iraq-format Lad stuff. Soldier has found money, let's you and me share it, etc.

Hi Lewd,

Thanks for your response to my email. I do assure you that you and I stand to gain enormously from this deal if we both receive the cooperation desired for the success of transaction of this nature. I choose to write to you from this e-mail account as part of measures taken to safeguard the operation.

As I stated in my first email to you my name is 2nd Lt. Jessica Colby McBride. I am a US citizen and was born in Queens County, New York in 1976. As a young girl I was a curious child. I lived in fantasy world half the time, and the other half I lived in a real fantasy world, the noisy streets of the upper west side Manhattan, NYC. After obtaining my qualification as a nurse I enlisted in the army in 1998. This year marks my 12th year in service. I am currently a member of the US Army Special Operations Command (USASOC) Medical Team. I am a qualified nurse by training. In my years in the medical team, I have witnessed a lot of sad, horrific, mean and wicked action perpetuated by terrorist, religious bigots and militants. I am working on a book that would detail my experience when I eventually retire.

I have received several postings while here in Iraq. It is the most recent posting that has landed me a good fortune which I intend to share with you. After about 2 months in the new house I was allocated I noticed that there was a hidden door in the wardrobe that leads to an underground cellar. What I discovered in the underground cellar was quite revealing. I discovered containers stashed with United States Dollars. Ever since this discovery I have been unable to concentrate as I have been confused on the exact course of action to take. I have informed no one. I do not intend to inform the authorities. I intend to help myself. I have been weighing a lot of options on how best to secure these funds on my own, without the knowledge of the authorities.

As you must be aware, American troops in Iraq have served with distinction. There is strict observance of rules and ordinances. There is also a systematic probing and investigation of all troops to make sure that there are no unlawful activities. We are trained to report any suspicious movement involving anybody that might tarnish the image of our country. Because of this singular fact it has been very difficult for me to tell any one nor spend a dollar out of the money. I have tried to carry on as if all is well with me.

I have decided to act after two months because I just found out that I might soon be re-deployed out of my present location to the Helmand Province in Afghanistan. If this happens without me taking action on the money I have discovered I will forever live to regret my inaction as it is an opportunity for me to be financially solvent for ever. I need your help in order to make this a reality.

I have a patient who is a diplomat. I have known him for over a year. We are fond of each other. I have had extensive discussions with him on helping me transport some goods abroad. He has agreed in principle to help me. The reason why I am bringing a diplomat into it is that diplomats have immunity. Whatever they carry or transport across countries are covered by diplomatic immunity. It cannot be searched or opened by anybody be it customs, police or secret service. The goods are often covered with diplomatic seal. The goods will get to its destination without problems. Please be informed that I will not tell the diplomat the real content of the containers. The diplomat will deliver the containers to you.

Using the diplomat makes this process completely risk free. The worst scenario is that the diplomat will be sent back with the baggage if there is any suspicion. He cannot be arrested, the goods cannot be confiscated. He will merely be returned to the country he is coming from.
This is where you come in. Your duties or responsibility will be to receive the containers which contains the money from the diplomat. You are to keep it safely until I come to meet with you were we will discuss the modalities for sharing and engage in partnership while investing.

I need someone I can rely on. Someone who is frank and honest. Someone who will agree to assist me and be involved throughout the period the process will last. Someone I can count on to act as a genuine and an interested party. I want you to go through this email careful and get back to me. We can begin to discuss further details once I hear from you through email.

For utmost confidentiality I will appreciate that all our communication are done through email. It will be dangerous to communicate through the telephone as phones are often wired or tapped, calls often traced or intercepted. This is one of the security precautions that we must take.
If you are interested in been part of this process I will require that you send my a photo of yourself and tell me a little about you. I am attaching some photos of myself in this mail.

Best regards,
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

So nice to hear from you again. It's nice to correspond with someone who leads a life with a little excitement in it.

As I mentioned to you earlier, I'm currently in the Russian Far East consulting to a small resort hotel in the remote village of Gadyukina. At this time of the year there are not a lot of people coming here so it gets pretty lonely. With the exception of Olga, the hotel's East German massage therapist, and my aloof admin assistant, the only other women around are the dozen or so babushki that live in the vlllage. But it's a great place to be if you really like snow.

So you're a nurse, and a very attractive one judging from the pictures you sent me. I confess I was hoping you were maybe a sniper or special forces. I would be the stud of the entire county if I was corresponding with a female sniper! Ah well, we can't have everything.

So these boxes you want to move - how much are we talking here? A couple hundred dollars? A few thousand? I'm inclined to say I'll help you by receiving them if you'll be coming here to pick them up. By the way, when would you be coming to pick them up?
Write again soon and give me the details.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Better writing than usual, although still scamalicious.

Hi Lewd,

How are you today? Hope you doing good? Its nice to hear from you. Your writing style is interested. I thank you once again for your prompt response to my last e-mail and for letting me know more about you. In my last email I explained the modalities that would be involved in making a success out of this exercise. The reason why I have taken this route is quite obvious. The best way to get this money across to you is by using the diplomat. Any other method will bring us into the open. You must prepare to receive the cash in containers that would be delivered by the diplomat. You must also ensure a safe keeping of the cash until my arrival to meet with you.
Like I hinted in my last e-mail, using the diplomat is the best option for the success of the operation. Any other will will blow our cover and expose us. I have found a way to properly conceal the money in crates amongst personal items of clothing, books, artifacts and rugs. The material I will use for wrapping the cash will make the cash virtually undetected by scanner at the airport. Also, since a diplomat will be accompanying the containers they will be yellow tagged and thus exempt from physical inspection. This is in line with conventions on the treatment of diplomats traveling from one territory to another. I want an assurance from you that you will help to receive this money. I also want you to assure me that like me you will be willing to sacrifice your time if required. Also most importantly you will follow instructions until you receive the money.

As I have already informed you it took me time to plan this transaction. If we all do what is expected of us we shall surely succeed. You have to be committed. This is also very important. If for instance the diplomat arrives an airport close to your location and wants you to meet him, you should be prepared to travel to meet with him at short notice. This means that you might be required to spend your personal money on transportation, accommodation and contigencies. It will be absurd for you to be unable to go and meet with him at the airport on account of this. You therefore have to be ready. You must have some funds available for this sort of expense.
I have avoided discussing the amount involved because I wanted to hear from you and be sure that you are interested. The total amount I have discovered is US$8,757,500. It is in United States Dollars and it took me a lot of time to count the bills. I have checked that they are genuine and not counterfeits. I have attached here a photo of the money after counting and stacking the bills. The money that was found does not belong to the American Government neither does it belong to the Iraqi Government. Intel revealed that the house where I found the stash was formerly used by a Shiite Cleric known for anti-American views and backed by the Iranian Government. My guess is that it probably belongs to this group and it was money meant for funding attacks on US and coalition troops waging war against terror in Iraq. As you do know, thousands of American families have lost their loved ones to the war.

I am not a moralist but I have seen enough of human carnage and misery occasioned by war to make me a practical person. I reason that since the money was meant to fund militants who kill and maim us I can leave with my conscience if I take it. This rationalization is not justification. I am pragmatic enough to have gone beyond that point. You can judge me if you want but I have no regrets about what I intend to do.

On the sharing of the money. I want to leave this open for discussions between us. What is your suggestion on the sharing of the money. What will you take to be a part of this transaction? We need to agree on this before we can further this process.

Having gone through my emails what do you think about the entire plan? When planning a transaction you have to take into cognizance anything that might happen that is unforeseen. I will not like the process held up for any reason. You have to tell me your ability to take charge when it is your turn to do so. Are you committed to the realization of the objective of this operation? Do you have any suggestions or additions to make the plan more concrete? I am open to any suggestions. We can incorporate any idea at this stage of the process.

A quick response will be appreciated.

Regards,
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

$8,757,500??? Mama!

I was standing up when I opened your email and it was all I could do to keep from falling down as I read it. That's a lot of money, lady!

Are you quite sure you're going to be able to get that through customs? I think we need to give this a lot of thought before you try to move it.

I don't really have any suggestions as far as sharing this money. After all, it is technically yours now. But after living the celibate life of a monk for two years here in Gadyukina I would probably do it just for the chance to see what's going on under that bulky uniform you were wearing in the pictures you sent me.

Let me think about this tonight and I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Hope your are good today? Hope all is well and this mail finds you in good health? Was expecting to hear from you as promised in your last e-mail but to no avail. We need to act quickly and decisively in this operation or else things will not work out as planned.

I am trying to fine-tune the delivery arrangements with the diplomat. We are looking towards the beginning of next week to embark on the delivery if you are ready. Please let me know so that I can reach you with more details in due course.

There is an adage which says that no man is an Island. I cannot claim to know it all. I have tried within my knowledge and limit to plan this process. I am praying that nothing goes wrong. Having gone through my previous communication what do you think about the entire transaction? Does it look foolproof? Do you have any addition or alteration to make? Or you have a suggestion which might help?

The success of this process will be immensely beneficial to us both and I want you to have a feeling of fulfillment when the deal is consummated. Although I am taking the greater risk your contribution to the success of the operation is invaluable and I must not only recognize this fact; it must reflect in your benefits. On the sharing ratio I think 60/40. 60% for me and 40% for your effort. I think this is fair enough and I want you to be satisfied. I want your total commitment and dedication. I will not want you to get greedy when we are sharing the money.

Please acknowledge this email.

Heartfelt Regards,
Jessica

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

So far everything sounds good. While I feel that 50/50 would be appropriate, I can live with 60/40 as I also want you to be fulfilled when we consumate. I'm sure I can come up with ideas for additional compensation once you get here. Needless to say, I am really looking forward to seeing you here in Russia. I assume that you'll be able to stay for awhile and let me show you a little bit of the country and a lot of Lewd.

Which reminds me, the diplomat who will be accompanying this money - will I be meeting him in Moscow or will he be coming all the way to Irkutsk? Let me know his schedule and itinerary as soon as it's been established. And how soon after I receive the money will you be here?

That's all I can think of at the moment.

Looking forward to your arrival.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Much invoking of the "diplomat". In other formats it would be the "banker", the "lawyer", the "son". This is the Lad who collects the money - the closer. Sometimes the scammer works alone, simulating all personae. Sometimes the closer is elsewhere, maybe on a different content. The Lads may never meet each other. The loot is parceled out on a 'sharing percentage'. "Jessica's" cut depends on her delivering Noogie to the closer.

Hi Lewd,

How are you today? Hope you are good? Its always so nice to hear from you again. I saw your last e-mail and must thank for your avowed commitment to the success of the deal. Moscow is to far away from your location so I prefer that the diplomat comes to Irkutsk where you can rendezvous with him.

Let me use this opportunity to update you on the progress made since I last e-mailed you. I want you to realize that the reason why I am bringing a diplomat into it is that he is a highly trusted friend. More so, diplomats have immunity. Whatever they carry or transport across countries are covered by diplomatic immunity. It cannot be searched or opened by anybody be it customs, police or secret service. The goods are often covered with diplomatic seal. The goods will get to its destination without problems. They will successfully pass the scanning. Please be informed that I will not tell the diplomat the real content of the containers. The diplomat will deliver the containers to you.

Using the diplomat makes this process completely risk free. The worst scenario is that the diplomat will be sent back with the baggage if there is any suspicion. He cannot be arrested, the goods cannot be confiscated. He will merely be returned to the country he is coming from.
I have held discussions with the diplomat and he has said he can help make the delivery by mid week. We are looking towards Wednesday which is the 23rd of March, 2011. The diplomat has agreed to convey the containers by this date. The diplomat will try to make ticket reservation on or before tomorrow evening. I will have more information for you once the booking is confirmed. I will also be able to confirm the exact date and time he would be traveling after the booking is made, and which of the airports will be his point of entry.

Please note that this is a special kind of delivery. The diplomat who will undertake the delivery will contact you as soon as he arrives with the money. He will call you on telephone when he arrives to finalize the delivery. This is where your cooperation will be of utmost importance. I will be responsible for his accommodation, airfares and travel expenses so you need not worry about where he will be staying for at least a night before his return flight. However, you can recommend a good hotel where he will be staying.

Please be informed that the diplomat does not know the content of the package he is carrying. He does not know that it contain cash. I have kept this information away from him because I do not want his involvement in this respect. You must never in your conversation with the diplomat during the delivery process mention this. Please be reminded.

There is another thing which just crossed my mind which I think is very important. I would advise that you source funds just in case it is required during the course of the delivery. [It will be required!] This amount should adequately cover expenses of your own transportation and the transportation of the containers as well as other contingents when you go to meet with him at an airport near your location. I mentioned this in my previous e-mail because I don't want the process to be held up for any reason. I do not envisage anything going wrong but it is very important for you to be prepared from your end. This is to be on the safer side. We have to anticipate anything. I will not want the process held up somewhere for whatever reason. Can you have some funds ready for this? Can you create the time to make this work? I want a complete partner. One who can take responsibility. One who will do everything possible to make sure that we succeed. Since my role will be less active during the delivery process I want an active partner. Please confirm to me that you are able to handle things from your side when required.

Further details will be provided as arrangements are being finalized. I would advise that you send the following information (viz: your full names, address, telephone numbers, and a brief direction to your house) as soon as possible. This is so that the diplomat will have the full co-ordinates of his destination. Please acknowledge this email.

Thanks and regards,
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

It all sounds good so far, except you didn't mention when you will be arriving. That's very important to our consumation of this deal and others, don't you think?

It would be no problem for me to meet the diplomat in Moscow but if he intends to come all the way to Irkutsk let me know his flight number and date of arrival and I'll have my Admin Assistant Ms. Bushburn meet him at the airport and transport him here to Gadyukina. The telephone number here at the hotel is 7.495.964.8597 and I'll try to ensure that we have someone on the switchboard who can speak English over the next few days.

A couple of questions do occur to me. What country is this diplomat a diplomat of?

Secondly, what is his name and does he have a valid Russian visa? Not having a valid visa would be a real show-stopper. I'm also a little concerned that you don't want the diplomat to knw the contents of the package he's carrying. I thought you said he was trustworthy.
Well, Jessica, I can't tell you how much I look forward to your arrival here. I think you're going to like it here and I hope I'll be able to convince you to stay for awhile.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Always so nice to hear from you. Hope you are good? My current tour will be over in August and I will be with you by early September at the least.

This is to update you on the state of preparations thus far. Arrangements are now in top gear. Tickets have been confirmed. The diplomat will be flying out tomorrow, Wednesday the 23rd of March. He couldn't get a direct flight to Moscow as the few flight on Baghdad - Moscow route are fully booked and the urgency of the trip did not allow for advance booking. The options therefore are to go to London first and catch a flight to Moscow and then on to Irkutsk. The alternative is to get a flight to the US and then get a connecting flight to Irkutsk or Vladivostok. Examining the two options we choose the option of going to the US and getting a connecting flight to Irkutsk or Vladivostok. The reason is that the London route will entail an encounter with two Customs directorates. The first in London with UK Customs and the second with Russian Customs in Moscow. But taking the US route will mean encountering US Customs and to a lesser degree Russian Customs in Vladivostok or Irkutsk. I feel the point of least resistance is always the best so I choose the latter, which is, going to the US first and then connecting to Vladivostok or Irkutsk.
He will be traveling through Orlando, Florida and from there join a connecting flight to Vladivostok or Irkutsk. The travel agency advised that since MCO International is a major aviation hub it will be easier to get a flight to Vladivostok or Irkutsk. He is expected to arrive Irkutsk by Thursday evening or Friday morning.

I have now packed the containers and moved to a safe place from where it will be taken to the airport for onward delivery to you. Attached to this e-mail is a photo of the three boxes where I crated the cash. Please acknowledge receipt. I have also removed the sum of $8,000 to be used by the diplomat to settle all outstanding expenses while on the trip. Please be reminded once again that the diplomat does not know the contents of what he is carrying. He does not know that it contains cash. You must never under any circumstance whatsoever mention this fact in your conversation with the diplomat. I know he is trustworthy but I cannot let him know because if he does he will never want to participate and will probably report me to the authorities.

The diplomat will travel on Wednesday evening. Baring any flight delays he will be in Irkutsk by Thursday (March 24) evening. The name of the diplomat is Aidan P. F. Riccard. He is a top diplomat attached to the embassy of South Africa here in Baghdad, Iraq. He is a South African. He has been in the Baghdad mission for over 4 years. He is a good looking man, articulate, well educated and eloquent. I have known him for sometime and he has been very good to me.
His email address is pfariccard@rocketmail.com, pfaidanriccard@live.co.uk. I will strongly advise that you send an email to him and introduce your self. I have told him about you. I have given him your email address. He is supposed to call you as soon as he arrives Irkutsk or Vladivostok. Please be nice to him and expect his call. He has a strong ascent, I hope this does not constitute communication problem between the two of you.

As I earlier told you the diplomat does not know the contents of the containers. You should never discuss this with him. You should never mention this. Please confirm that you clearly understand this. I hope you will not fail me. I see this as an opportunity to fulfill my dreams. I have taken my time and pains to plan this process. And now that it is about to be executed I am feeling really excited about it. I hope you will fulfill your part of the bargain.

Please acknowledge this email. Also send the details of your location to him.

Thanks and Regards,
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

You're gonna sent this guy all the way around the world just to fly from Baghdad to Russia? You haven't travelled very much outside the US, have you?

Jessica, dear, it's probably only a three hour flight from Baghdad to Moscow, maybe four or five if he transits in a nearby country. Sending him all the way to the US to get here is kinda silly, don't you think? You have a gun, right? Go back and shoot the travel agent that suggested this route and then rethink his itinerary. And be sure to send me flight numbers and arrival times. If I send Ms. Bushburn to Irkutsk on Thursday and she has to hang around that airport all day, she ain't gonna be pleased.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell the diplomat what he's carrying. If he's just the messenger boy then it's none of his business. By the way, what did you TELL him he's carrying?

You did not respond to my question about his visa - does he have a valid visa for Russia?
Ok, send me his itinerary and Ms. Bushburn will be waiting for him in Irkustsk when he arrives.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Many thanks for your last e-mail. You are ever so funny. The truth of the matter is that Baghdad-Moscow route is not a busy one. Nevertheless, the plans have been concluded and we must forge ahead. If you read my last e-mail I did inform you that my current tour will be ending in August and I should be with you in early September. Also, as a diplomat he does not need a visa. The operation is in top gear and we cannot afford any slip-ups at this time. The delivery will proceed as earlier scheduled.

I will advise that you send an email to Dr. Riccard and simply introduce yourself; that is if you have not done so. The e-mail will be a short introduction of yourself. You will mention that I am a relative of yours and you are the one he is to deliver the packages containing my personal effects to. Check the last email I sent for his email address. I want some form of contact established between the two of you before the delivery process starts. Please email him immediately if you have not done so.

Dr. Riccard thinks he is delivering my personal items such as my clothing, books and artifacts. He will not have access to the boxes since it will be sealed and wrapped in diplomatic ribbon. The boxes cannot be opened by anybody since it is against international conventions to check diplomatic baggages. But they will be vision-scanned to ensure they don't contain drugs or explosives.

As I earlier informed you the diplomat will be traveling through Orlando. You will have more information from the diplomat only after he has secured tickets from the airport in Orlando. Since he will be making a 3hr stopover. I have told him to contact you as soon as he disembarks in Orlando. He will provide you with more information as to the flight schedule and other details you will need to know.

Be informed that Dr. Riccard's assignment is to deliver the packages. Dr. Riccard is not a nosy person. He is warm and he minds his own business but he can be temperamental at times. I told him you are a relative of mine and he is doing me a personal favor.

Please acknowledge this email.

Heartfelt Regards,
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica, dearest, please take this in the spirit in which it is offerred - you and the diplomat are getting this thing completely dicked up, no offense. First you send him all the way around the planet to get here and now you tell me you're sending him without a visa. Diplomat or not, he needs a visa to enter Russia. We frequently have people travelling on diplomatic passports here at the hotel and their passports and visas have to be registered when they arrive here. There are no exceptions and as a diplomat he should know this.
I advise you to have him haul himself over to the nearest embassy or consulate and get a visa, otherwise he will be turned away at whatever airport he arrives in. No, actually they won't even let him on the plane without one.

I'll contact Dr. Piccard and try to salvage the situation. You better let me handle getting him here and when you're ready to come here don't make any travel arrangements until you talk to me, I don't want you coming here with a stopover on Mars. Please understand this is not your fault. Making international travel arrangements is frequently too complicated for a woman's mind to fully grasp; men are just better at this kind of thing.

I'll get back to you after I have communicated with Dr. Piccard.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

How are you doing? You worry too much. Relax. Everything is taken care of. I want to confirm to you that the diplomat departed Baghdad for the States. The flight was cleared for take off at about 12.45am local time after hours of delay. Everything has gone smoothly from this end. On the exact time he will be arriving Irkutsk we will await the flight schedule from the diplomat. We should have that update before he departs the US. I have told the diplomat to contact you from the US and avail you with the flight schedule. He will either email you or call you. Please be on the alert. I want to also inform you that I gave the diplomat US$8,000 to be used for expenses along the way. I expect this to cover all expenses including his tickets and accommodation. I have also told him that all unused funds should be handed over to you.

As I have earlier told you, the diplomat does not know the content of the boxes. He thinks they are personal effects such as books, artifacts such as paintings and art works, clothing and household items. This was the impression I gave him. But I also told him that they are precious and should be handled with utmost care. I have no doubt that the diplomat will do this.
It is imperative that you be on the alert. You are to let me know immediately you are contacted him. Please use your discretion on any matter requiring urgent attention if you do not hear from me promptly. I might not be always be close to the internet to respond to your emails as I am leaving Baghdad in a few hours on special ops duty at Nassiriyah, a city about 220 miles South East. I will be there for the next couple of days. I will endeavor to check my e-mail to monitor the progress whenever I have the opportunity to do so. Let the best judgment always prevail.

Please acknowledge this email as quickly as you can.

Continue to pray for the success of this project and for my safety.

Heartfelt Regards,
Jessica

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

You're starting to sound like my ex-wiives - "Relax, Lewd. You worry too much, Lewd. Everything's going to be fine, Lewd". And then when everything gets fulked up it's my fault.
Jessica, if you want this thing to come off in a smooth manner you'd better start listening to me. If you sent that diplomat guy to Russia without a visa then this thing could take weeks, maybe months longer than it should. I don't understand why the attractive ones are always the hard-headed ones.

Look, I would like to think that you and I might click when you get here and that maybe this could turn into something more than just the money and a few days of grizzling under the sheets. I know you're used to throwing orders around to your underlings there in Iraq and expecting them to jump but this ain't private Noogie you're dealing with here. You have to pay attention to what I tell you.

The problem is that if the guy has already left for the US (Jeez, I still can't believe you're sending him here via the US) then it's too late to do anything about it now. I suppose I just wait until I get an email from him telling me he's stranded and doesn't know what to do.
This was really a bone-headed move, babe.

Lewd
Aidan Riccard

Told you, he's stranded...

<pfariccard@rocketmail.com>
X-Originating-IP: [98.139.91.199]
Date: Thu, 24 Mar 2011
Subject: At MCO International, Orlando

DEAR MR. NOOGIE,

I ARRIVED MCO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, ORLANDO FLORIDA ABOUT 45 MINUTES AGO. I HAVE ENCOUNTERED SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS WITH THE US CUSTOMS WHO ARE OVERZEALOUS AND HAVE PUT ME THROUGH SOME QUESTIONING. I HAVE BEEN RESTRICTED SINCE MY ARRIVAL.

I HAVE CALLED A FRIEND WHO IS DOING HIS DOCTORATE AT A UNIVERSITY CLOSE BY TO COME OVER AND MEET ME. THOUGH I HAVE NOT BEEN HELD I HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO GO OUT OF THE AIRPORT PREMISE. I AM WAITING FOR INFORMATION FROM THEM AND THE ARRIVAL OF MY FRIEND. I WILL KEEP YOU INFORMED OF DEVELOPMENTS. I AM ALLOWED TO USE THE BUSINESS CENTER AT THE AIRPORT. I WAS ALSO ALLOWED TO MAKE A CALL.

HOPEFULLY, AFTER WE HAVE RESOLVED ALL ISSUES I WILL GIVE YOU A CALL OR EMAIL YOU. I WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED.

SINCERELY,
AIDAN P. F. RICCARD

Lewd Noogie

Mr. Piccard,

Now how did I know this was going to happen, you ask me. Well, I'll tell you how - I told our friend Jessica that sending you through the US to get to Russia from Baghdad was about the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. And now you tell me you're having problems in the US.

Between you and me, Jessica is a nice girl, very attractive, but dumb as rocks and she won't listen to someone trying to give her sound advice. I expect the dumb-as-rocks part to work to my advantage once she gets here but for now it's causing nothing but trouble. And you, being a diplomat, should have tried harder to explain to her that what she was doing was going to lead to problems.

You didn't specify but what exactly IS the problem you're having there in the US?

Lewd

ps - AND PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE A VALID VISA TO ENTER RUSSIA

[It will be a problem that costs money!]

Aidan Riccard

DEAR MR. NOOGIE,

IN RECEIPT OF YOUR E-MAIL COMMUNICATION.

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE ALREADY TAKEN THE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS AS PER THE RUSSIAN VISA ISSUE AND I AM IN THE CLEAR ON THAT. I AM STILL IN ORLANDO. THE LAST 6 HOURS HAS BEEN DIFFICULT FOR ME HERE. WE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO RESOLVE ALL ISSUES ABOUT 30 MINUTES AGO. I MET WITH SECURITY OFFICIALS FOR CLOSE TO 3 HOURS WHERE THE ISSUES RAISED BY THE US CUSTOMS WERE EXTENSIVELY DISCUSSED AND RESOLVED. THE MAIN GROUSE IS THAT I OBTAINED DUTY WAIVERS AT THE BAGHDAD AIRPORT IN IRAQ WHICH WERE NOT DUE ME. I WAS MADE TO UNDERSTAND THAT I AM ONLY ENTITLED TO WAIVERS ONLY IF I AM AN ASSIGNMENT FROM MY HOME GOVERNMENT. THEY FOUND OUT THAT I WAS ON A PRIVATE MISSION AND AS SUCH I CANNOT ENJOY THESE WAIVERS. THE US CUSTOMS WERE INFORMED AND I WAS TAKEN OUT, QUARANTINED AND DELAYED.

AFTER OBTAINING AN APOLOGY FROM ME I WAS CLEARED BY THE US CUSTOMS AND WILL BE ALLOWED TO GO. I WAS ASKED TO PAY ABOUT US$8,700 WHICH REPRESENTS THE DUTIES I AM SUPPOSED TO PAY AND A PENALTY CHARGE. I AM SUPPOSED TO PAY THIS AMOUNT BEFORE I AM ALLOWED TO DEPART THE US WITH THE CONTAINERS. THE CONTAINERS HAVE BEEN IMPOUNDED PENDING WHEN I AM ABLE TO PAY THE FEES. I WAS GIVEN A CLEARANCE PAPER DULY SIGNED IN THE PRESENCE OF ALL PARTIES AFTER WE HAVE AGREED. THE US GOVERNMENT WILL RECEIVE THIS SUM AND TRANSMIT TO THE IRAQI GOVERNMENT.

AT THIS JUNCTURE ALL I HAVE ON ME ONLY ABOUT US$5,850 ON ME. I AM TRYING TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO FROM HERE BUT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT. I AM TRYING TO SOURCE THE ADDITIONAL FUNDS REQUIRED WHICH AMOUNTS TO $2,850. THIS IS SO THAT I CAN CONTINUE MY JOURNEY TO IRKUTSK. I DESIRE TO LEAVE ORLANDO TONIGHT. I DO NOT WANT ANY FURTHER DELAY. THIS TRIP HAS TAKEN A LOT FROM ME ALREADY. I DO NOT WANT TO STAY LONGER THAN NECESSARY.

I HAVE CONTACTED JESSICA AND HAVE NOT RECEIVED ANY RESPONSE FROM HER YET. I RECALL SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WILL BE ON SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT FROM TODAY AND MIGHT BE UNABLE TO ACCESS HER E-MAIL REGULARLY.

YOU CAN CALL ME ON MY FRIEND'S CELLPHONE NUMBER (404) 910-4753.
[Hmm, Georgia, but can forward anywhere; or could be a TracFone or some other prepaid phone - maybe our 'closer' is hanging around a 7-11.]

PLEASE SEND AN ACKNOWLEDGMENT SOONEST.

AIDAN P. F. RICCARD
Aidan Riccard
I AM SORRY I GAVE THE WRONG NUMBER EARLIER. MY FRIEND'S NUMBER IS 404 287 0585.
Lewd Noogie

Mr. Piccard,

I'm afraid it is very difficult for me to call you. The phone system here is satellite feed and the signal is very unreliable.

Will you please explain to me what the problem is with US Customs. I need to know what is going on there.

Lewd
Aidan Riccard

DEAR MR. NOOGIE,

IN RECEIPT OF YOUR E-MAIL COMMUNICATION. I HAD SENT YOU AN E-MAIL EARLIER EXPLAINING MY PREDICAMENT. I AM IN GREAT NEED OF YOUR HELP AND ASSISTANCE IN RESOLVING THIS MATTER/

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE ALREADY TAKEN THE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS AS PER THE RUSSIAN VISA ISSUE AND I AM IN THE CLEAR ON THAT. I AM STILL IN ORLANDO. THE LAST 24 HOURS HAS BEEN DIFFICULT FOR ME HERE. WE WERE FINALLY ABLE TO RESOLVE ALL ISSUES YESTERDAY. I MET WITH SECURITY OFFICIALS FOR CLOSE TO 3 HOURS WHERE THE ISSUES RAISED BY THE US CUSTOMS WERE EXTENSIVELY DISCUSSED AND RESOLVED. THE MAIN GROUSE IS THAT I OBTAINED DUTY WAIVERS AT THE BAGHDAD AIRPORT IN IRAQ WHICH WERE NOT DUE ME. I WAS MADE TO UNDERSTAND THAT I AM ONLY ENTITLED TO WAIVERS ONLY IF I AM AN ASSIGNMENT FROM MY HOME GOVERNMENT. THEY FOUND OUT THAT I WAS ON A PRIVATE MISSION AND AS SUCH I CANNOT ENJOY THESE WAIVERS. THE US CUSTOMS WERE INFORMED AND I WAS TAKEN OUT, QUARANTINED AND DELAYED.

AFTER OBTAINING AN APOLOGY FROM ME I WAS CLEARED BY THE US CUSTOMS AND WILL BE ALLOWED TO GO. I WAS ASKED TO PAY ABOUT US$8,700 WHICH REPRESENTS THE DUTIES I AM SUPPOSED TO PAY AND A PENALTY CHARGE. I AM SUPPOSED TO PAY THIS AMOUNT BEFORE I AM ALLOWED TO DEPART THE US WITH THE CONTAINERS. THE CONTAINERS HAVE BEEN IMPOUNDED PENDING WHEN I AM ABLE TO PAY THE FEES. I WAS GIVEN A CLEARANCE PAPER DULY SIGNED IN THE PRESENCE OF ALL PARTIES AFTER WE HAVE AGREED. THE US GOVERNMENT WILL RECEIVE THIS SUM AND TRANSMIT TO THE IRAQI GOVERNMENT.

AT THIS JUNCTURE ALL I HAVE ON ME ONLY ABOUT US$5,850 ON ME. I AM TRYING TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO FROM HERE BUT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT. I AM TRYING TO SOURCE THE ADDITIONAL FUNDS REQUIRED WHICH AMOUNTS TO $2,850. THIS IS SO THAT I CAN CONTINUE MY JOURNEY TO IRKUTSK. I DESIRE TO LEAVE ORLANDO TONIGHT. I DO NOT WANT ANY FURTHER DELAY. THIS TRIP HAS TAKEN A LOT FROM ME ALREADY. I DO NOT WANT TO STAY LONGER THAN NECESSARY.
I HAVE CONTACTED JESSICA AND HAVE NOT RECEIVED ANY RESPONSE FROM HER YET. I RECALL SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WILL BE ON SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT FROM TODAY AND MIGHT BE UNABLE TO ACCESS HER E-MAIL REGULARLY. I AM IN A FIX RIGHT NOW AND IN DIRE NEED OF YOUR HELP. WHATEVER YOU CAN DO TO GET ME OUT OF THIS SITUATION WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR PROMPT AND POSITIVE RESPONSE.

AIDAN P. F. RICCARD

Lewd Noogie

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I can't believe how this is turning out..

Look, those boxes you're escorting contain Jessica's, uh, personal belongings and I really, really NEED to get them here. What am I supposed to do to help you?? Your in freakin' Florida fer chrissakes and I'm in RUSSIA. What the fulk do you expect me to do?? I told you guys not to come here through the US!!

Idiots.

What do you expect me to do?

Lewd Noogie

Subject: Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Jessica - are you back from wherever you went yet? You need to contact me and SOON. Your diplomat friend is an idiot and has got things completely fulked up and I need to talk to you NOW.

The Other Aidan Riccard

[Then this arrives, apparently a poorly-coordinated parallel scam...]

<nalda.71@msn.com>
X-Originating-IP: [65.55.116.104]
Date: Sun, 27 Mar 2011
Subject: About to Depart Baghdad

From Dr. Riccard Aidan

My name is Dr. Riccard Aidan, the diplomat. I am emailing you to intimate you about my travel plans. The delivery is scheduled to commence later in the day of Sunday the 27th of March, 2011. The precise time is 9.15am Iraqi time. I will email you again from the airport before my take off to avail you with my flight schedule.

I will appreciate you avail me with your full names, address including a full description to your house or where you want to receive the packages and a direct phone number where i can reach you on directly upon my arrival. I also need you to avail me with information on the nearest airport to you. The address should be where you want the delivery made to. I will also include a copy of my diplomatic passport in my next email for identification when we meet.

I will email you again from the airport before my departure. Please send the above information. Acknowledge this email message.

Yours,

Dr. Riccard
Lewd Noogie

What the hell is going on?? You're back in Iraq??? Piccard, you're running around in circles! Is this the first time you've ever done this kind of thing??

I don't know what to say. This is completely ludicrous.

Please tell me you're coming straight to Russia. I don't want to hear that you're coming via Australia or Antarctica or anyplace like that. Are you coming into Irkutsk or Moscow?
Lets get it right this time.

Aidan Riccard

[The first one]

Dear Mr. Noogie,

In receipt of your e-mail communication.

Please be informed that I am still in Orlando, Florida. My intention is to fly directly to Irkutsk from here. Unfortunately, I am having problems with US Customs. As I explained in my previous e-mail I do not have the US$2,850 that is being requested as duties by the customs authorities here. This was why I sent you a communication requesting your kindly assistance so that I can proceed on my journey to Irkutsk as soon as is possible. As it is now I am stranded here and will need financial help from you to be able to sort out the Customs issue and be on my way to Irkutsk. If your are in a position to render this help please let me know. There is no point trading blames and calling names at this moment in time. I urge you to do all that you can so that this can be resolved quickly.

Sincerely,
Aidan Riccard.

Lewd Noogie

Mr. Piccard,

Do you know what day it is? It's Sunday. Do you know when you were supposed to be here? Last Thursday. You're absolutely correct, there is no point trading blame. The blame only goes in one direction, to you and Jessica.

Jessica told me that she gave you $8,000 for exactly this kind of situation and you say you only have $5,800 left. What did you do with the rest of the $8,000? Have a wild spree in Baghdad duty free? You couldn't spend that much on drinks on the flight to Orlando. Could you? I think it's safe to say you better avoid Jessica for awhile after she gets back from mowing down insurgents. She's definitely gonna want to mow your ass a little.
So how am I supposed to get the rest of this money to you?

This is ridiculous.

Lewd
Aidan Riccard

Dear Mr. Noogie,

In receipt of your last e-mail communication. I my previous e-mail I explained how I spent the money given to me by the Lt. The cost of airfare is quite prohibitive. I am really very tired. I hope this gets resolved quickly so that I can proceed to Irkutsk and complete the delivery without further delay.

In the morning I will be waiting to receive the money so that I can finalize the release of the containers and make the necessary flight arrangements. While making inquires on the best way to receive money here is by Western Union. My friend has been of great assistance to me since I have been stranded here and he has agreed that he can assist me collect the money. You should therefore send the money using his name with the details below:

Jamie XXXXXXXXX
xxxx South xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxx
Orlando, FL 32809.
[anonymized in case "Jamie" is an innocent person who responded to a 'job ad' that involved cashing checks]

After making the transfer please send to me via e-mail the transaction details (Sender's name, address and MTCN number) so that he can help me collect it and I can quickly resolve the issues with the Customs Officials. Thereafter, I will proceed to make the necessary flight arrangements for the last lap of my trip to Irkutsk. Also make necessary arrangements to meet me at the airport. Take care and God bless. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Aidan Riccard
The Other Aidan Riccard

... also has a problem with bureaucrats... also involving money

From Dr. Riccard

Hope you are having a nice day. I am right now at the Baghdad International Airport, I have already checked in the containers, I am emailing you from the airport. My flight is less than an hour away. My flight has been delayed for several hours because of the serious human congestion at the airport. The crisis around the middle east which has just spread to Iraq is leading to mass movement of people. Things have been sorted out now and I will be in London at about 16.30PM UK time later this evening. I will email or call you when i get to London in the evening UK time. That is when i can give you more information on my final flight schedule to the US. This will be in the evening London time. I will be able to give you complete information as to when i will be flying and the exact time i will touch down.

I have encountered some problems with the airport officials here in Baghdad. The system here is very corrupt. They made me part with about US$2,000 before my cargoes were checked in. Corruption runs down the ladder here. It is organized and orchestrated from the top. I tried to complain about the demand for bribe but I was simply advised to cooperate with them if I want to travel. The government really has a lot of work on there hands to sanitize the system. I have sent information to Ms. Grace about this development. This action has seriously depleted the amount I have on me. Despite this set back I am however prepared for the trip and in about an hour I will be airborne.

Attached here is a copy of my diplomatic passport. I expect you to print it and present it at the point of delivery. It is also for easy identification.

You will hear from me soon.

Have a nice day.

Yours,

Dr. Riccard.
Lewd Noogie

I forward the email from the 'other' Aidan Riccard to the 'real' Aidan Riccard...

Mr. Piccard,

Before we go any further I want you to explain THIS to me.

Now where the hell are you REALLY?

Lewd Noogie
Lewd Noogie

Jessica, I don't know what to do. Your 'diplomat' friend is an a-hole, probably a thief, and this whole thing is completely dicked up. He's been telling me he's stranded in Orlando for several days now and wants me to send him money he says he needs for US Customs. Then he sends me two emails saying he's still in Iraq. I've forwarded one of them below.
You need to stop shooting at people for awhile and get back to Baghdad to sort this out. I knew when you said you were sending that jerkoff here via the US that it was going to cost me money. I just knew it. Ok, sometimes these things cost money but I'm not sending that guy anything until I find out what's going on.

Listen, by now I'm sure those walkie-talkie things you army guys carry around MUST have email capability. You need to find out where your Mr. Piccard  is and jerk a knot in his tail.

I will wait for your response before I go any further with this.
Lewd

Aidan Riccard
I told you before. Am in Orlando, Florida.
Lewd Noogie
Then why are you sending me emails saying you're still in Iraq????
Lewd Noogie

Mr. Piccard,

This is to inform you that I have written to Ms. McBride and informed her of your fraudulant conduct. I also told her that I am going no further with this until I hear from her so enjoy your stay there in Orlando.

When she told me that you were coming here via fulking FLORIDA I knew it was going to cost me money. I don't have a big problem with that but I demand accountability. The $8,000 she provided you for expenses to get here should have been plenty. I suspect you're making the round of Baghdad honky-tonks, probably spent your ticket money, and now you're looking for some way to recover the situation. Well, not on Lewd Noogie's dime.
Let's see what Jessica has to say about your shenanigans.

Lewd Noogie

ps - Remember, this chick's got a gun and when she's pissed off she might just mistake YOU for an insurgent. Keep THAT in mind.
Aidan Riccard
I am sorry. Please ignore all e-mails from the other account. It has been hacked into by hackers and if you are not careful the hackers will take over your account. Please ignore all e-mails from nalda.71@msn.com! Otherwise the hackers will get a hold of you e-mail account for sinister purposes.
Aidan Riccard

Dear Mr. Noogie,

In receipt of your last communication. Frankly, I don't care anymore as I am tired of your insults. Are you insinuating that I am a thief?! That is rather sad considering all I am going through at the moment.

I have faced the situation with calm disposition and will no longer tolerate any more of your selfish tantrums. Does it seem to you that I am an errand boy?!

As a matter of fact if I don't hear from Jessica by tomorrow I will leave the packages here and go home.
Lewd Noogie

In view of what has happened over the last few days, I feel it is a good idea if you excuse yourself from this simple task of escorting a few personal items from Iraq to Russia. It has obviously been too challenging for you.

Let's wait and see what Jessica says when she returns.

You're quite a diplomat, Mr. Piccard, quite a diplomat.
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

I am really very sorry that I have not been in touch for quite a while. I told you in my last mail that I was going on a special ops in Nasiriyah. I have not had internet access for some time now. I am still in Nasiriyah at the moment.

I have just seen your e-mails and those of Aidan. He informed me that you have been insulting him by making unsavory insinuations. I must apologize to you and I take full responsibility for the logjam in the delivery. I am really at a loss as to what to do. I reasoned that the $8,000 I gave to him will comfortably take care of all expenses involved in making the trip. I did not envisage this situation and must confess that I am confused on what to do as I can't do anything from here. I have moved out of the house where I discovered the money and made sure I cleared everything so as to leave no trace. Thus, I don't have any money with me now. I can confirm to you that he is in Orlando. Those e-mails you received claiming he is in Baghdad should be disregarded. He told me his other e-mail account was hijacked and the hacker is probably trying to get sensitive information from you. you should be careful and do not reply any e-mails from that account again.
The situation is quite dicey and should be handled tactfully. For a fact I don't want him to be stuck in Orlando for longer than necessary. Orlando was supposed to be a transit point for him to get to Irkutsk. I am afraid that should he become frustrated for being stuck he might be tempted to leave the containers with Customs. I am not comfortable with this scenario because of the security implications for both of us. Your name and address is on the containers as the receiver while my name is there too as the sender. I am afraid and really cannot imagine what will happen if the containers are confiscated by Customs and opened. The implication for us will be dire when they discover that the content is cash. The FBI will certainly be involved if this happens. This will spell utter disaster.

This matter must handle delicately and with utmost care. I therefore urge you to do all that you can to help resolve this problem. You must take necessary steps to ameliorate the situation. I must emphasize that on no account should he know the contents of the baggage. I repeat for emphasis sake that on no account should Aidan know the contents. I am no prepared to go to jail!

Please do all you can to encourage him resolve the matter so that he can proceed to Lubbock without further delay. I trust that you will do the needful. I will get in touch with you again as soon as I can. Duty call now and I have to go.

As always, my heartfelt regards.
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica, it is so good to finally hear from you again. I've been going nuts with this guy Piccard.

It's obvious that in a diplomatic capacity he is completely clueless. Secondly, I don't trust him at all and you shouldn't either. Everything is all wrong about what he's feeding us.
Look, he's saying that he has to pay all this money to US Customs for 'duties'. Jessica my love, US Customs only gets involved when you try to take something into the US. There is no need for US Customs to become involved because he is supposed to be in TRANSIT. That means that the boxes don't go into the US, they just haul them over to the connecting flight and load them on.And he's saying that they want $8,000 for personal goods and items?? Puhleeze! What a crock!

It's like I told you before - when you two came up with this assinine idea that he should come here via the US, I fully expected that I was gonna have to pay money somewhere along the line. Ok, no problem, but I'm not gonna pay $2,850 to this thief. Hell, he's probably lounging around the beach there in Florida, sipping mai-tai's and thinking what a couple of rubes you and I are.

Jessica, you're obviously an intelligent woman and I confess that is one of the things that first attracted me to you. I think we should fall back to what you told me was worst-case scenario, i.e., that he bring the boxes back to Iraq and we start all over again. With a different diplomat this time.

C'mon babe, let's do it Lewd's way and get it finished. I've got big things planned for the two of us when you get here but this will take months at the rate we're going. So maybe it'll cost us a bit more but who cares. It's you and me together.

Your Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

I saw your lion e-mail while checking for update on the situation. I perfectly understand your position and it make a lot of sense but please understand that haven gone this far it will be improbable to come back to Iraq and restart the process as you have suggested. I have consulted and I am told that the situation is correct. Aidan is someone I have known for quite some time and he is someone that can be trusted. You will like him when you get to meet him. I cannot imagine him in the light that you have. However, I implore you to co-operate with him to resolve this impasse. I assure you that you guys will get along when you meet. I can also assure you that he is someone I can trust with my life as I have known him to be a forthright and straight forward person. He will have no reason to lie considering the fact that any lie will easy be detected. He is not that kind of person.

If he has to come back to Baghdad I do not have another diplomat friend or acquaintance who can help me with this. This is our only opportunity and I am counting on you guys to work together and make this work. From our interactions thus far I am already taking a liking towards you. But for giving orders to an officer of the United States Army I am going to shoot your little finger at the slightest opportunity I get. It is a promise and you must beware! I am seriously looking at settling down to family life after this is done. As a matter of fact, this is my primary motivation for what I am doing right now. I am not promising anything but if it clicks when we meet then so be it!
When next I hear from you I want positive news that Aidan is with you already. Please make this happen ASAP! Duty calls again and I have to go now. Will check for update later.

As always, my heartfelt regards.
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

Our internet has been down here for almost two days and I don't know if you received my last email.

Where is Piccard? Is he back in Iraq or still in the US?

Please respond soonest.
Lewd

Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

I replied to every of your e-mail I received. Aidan is still in Orlando. I convinced him to stay until the weekend. I do not have another diplomat friend I can use for this sort of assignment. This is our chance. Lets give it the best short I beg you. Please assist Aidan in whatever way you can to make him complete the operation.

I will check for your reply as soon as I can.

As always, my heartfelt regards.
Jessica

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

Ok, I'll go along with you on this but I'm telling you this diplomat friend of yours definitely has all the skills needed to get this fulked up worse than it already is. My frustration with this guy is at it's peak.

This is gonna cost you when you get here.
Lewd

Lewd Noogie

So, Piccard, still there in Paradise I see. Enjoying your vacation? How are the beaches this time of year?

Look, you and I know what you're trying to pull. You might have Jessica fooled but not me. You and I both know that if you hadn't tried to enter the US that there would be no duty fees on what you're bringing here. And we both know that it wouldn't cost $8,000 to bring a few personal items inot the US. Ok, this round is yours, but you ain't won the fight yet.
There is no Western Union here in Gadyukina and the nearest one is 8 hours away in Irkutsk when the roads are in good shape, which they aren't now. Does your friend there in Orlando have an account I can wire this money to?

Jessica thinks you and I are gonna be pals once I meet you but I'm telling you it isn't gonna happen. I'm really, really looking forward to you getting here. Pay attention - my name is Lewd Noogie - I just want you to be sure of the name of your assailant when you make out the police report.

Lewd
Aidan Riccard

Dear Mr. Noogie,

In receipt of your last e-mail communication. Are you kidding me?! As much as this is frustrating to me I want to get this done and over with. I have received enough insults from you to last me a lifetime. Anyway, let me inform you that I am more than capable of taking care of myself and I am not intimidated by your threats. I am not a kid and I know you are not also. Lets bury the hatchet and behave like adults. Know also that I am barely tolerating you for Jessica's sake.

In the morning I will be waiting to receive the money so that I can finalize the release of the containers and make the necessary flight arrangements. While making inquires on the best way to receive money here is via Western Union but since none of these are available in your location I will advice (thats if you take it) that you ask a friend of yours in Irkutsk to make the transfer on your behalf. This will relive you of the street of long travel to Irkutsk and make the transaction quicker. If you can make this kind of an arrangement then send the money the following details: Kenneth XXXXXX, XXXX South xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxx, Orlando, FL 32809. This is his current address in Orlando. After making the transfer please send to me via e-mail the transaction details (Sender's name, address and MTCN number).

[You're not imagining it, Kenneth apparently lives with Jamie.]

On the other hand, you can pay the money into his account with the following details below:

Bank: XXXXX Community Credit Union Bank
Address: 400 South XXXXX Street, Dubuque, IA 52004 USA
Bank Telephone number: 563-XXX-XXXX
Account number: 007 XXX XXXX
Routing number: XXX XXX XXX
Beneficiary: Kenneth XXXXX(Different last name from above Kenneth)
[anonymized in case this other "Kenneth" is an innocent person who responded to a 'job ad' that involved cashing checks]

After sending the money please e-mail me a scanned copy of the wire transfer receipt. Whatever it is I still look forward to meeting you and hope we can put aside our animosities.

Aidan Riccard
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

I know you are really pissed. Take a deep breath and relax. Everything will be fine. Will check for update later.

Heartfelt Regards,
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica, I'm going nuts here! The internet is completely screwed up here. I went to the local bank to wire the $2,850 to dickhead but they have the same problem and they don't know when they'll be back up again.

Listen, my admin assistant Ms. Bushburn is planning to go to Irkutsk on Saturday to visit her boyfriend. I'll give her the cash and tell her to send it to Piccard through Western Union.

You owe me bigtime, babe.

Potentially yours, Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Got your last e-mail. I am dying with anxiety to see this operation concluded soonest. I will copy Aidan and try to convince him to be a little patient. On second thoughts I will not copy him this mail because of your reference to him. Anyway, I will send he a mail letting him know the funds are on the way.

Yes, I owe you big time! But I will not let the cat out of the bag just yet. It will be a surprise and I hope you will be perfectly calmed when we meet. I guarantee that we are going to do a lot together if you remain a gentleman.

Love and regards always.
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

Ms. Bushburn just left a few minutes ago with the cash to send to your idiot friend in Florida. She should be there by mid-morning if it doesn't start snowing again.

I hope that Piccard gets his ugly ass in gear once he receives the money. This whole thing has exhausted me and I hate to think that he's going to show up here all tanned and rested from his 2-week vacation. The only reason I've come this far is knowing that you'll be here sooon and we'll finally be able to meet front-to-front..

Have him send me his itinerary, and this time I mean day, time and flight number.

Your Lewd
Aidan Riccard

Dear Mr. Noogie,

I was informed by Jessica that a friend of yours is sending the money via Western Union today. As I told you in my last e-mail please let her use the following details to send:

Kenneth XXXXXXXXX,
XXXX South XXXXX XXXXXX XXXXX,
Orlando, FL 32809.

After making the transfer please send to me via e-mail the transaction details (Sender's name, address and MTCN number).

Sincerely,
Aidan Riccard

Aidan Riccard

Dear Mr. Noogie,

It is Saturday here and I have not heard from you. I am waiting for you communication so that I can start making preparations for the completion of the delivery.

Sincerely,
Aidan.

Lewd Noogie

I got a call from Ms. Bushburn my admin assistant. I sent her to Irkutsk last night to send you the $2,850 you requested. The phone connection was terrible but I understood her to say that she sent the money to your friend's address and it should be at Western Union waiting for you.

Please send me your itinerary as soon as possible. I need date and time of arrival and flight number. You've got your money now get your ass over here.
Aidan Riccard
Okay. Please send me the MTCN number and the sender's name. Without these information you know the money cannot be collected.
Lewd Noogie
The sender's name is Maya Bushburn but I've never used Western Umion so I don't know what the hell a MCTN is. I think you just have to go to a Western Union office and give them your name to collect the money. Just pick it up and tell me when you're coming here. I'm getting tired of dicking around with this.
Aidan Riccard

Dear Mr. Noogie,

In receipt of your last communication.

The directions I gave for the money transfer are quite simple and clear. The money cannot be collected without the MTCN number, which is the reference number of the transaction. You may do well to call her for her to give you this number by telephone, e-mail or text message.

I await your prompt and positive response.

Sincerely,
Aidan.

Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Thank you so much for all the troubles I have put you through. I owe you so much I hope to make it up to you when I come over. Aidan informed me that Ms. Bushburn has sent the money but he can't collect because you did not send the transaction details. Please send to him the MTCN number, Sender's name and address so that there won't be any excuse from him this time. The operation has long stalled and we need to act quickly to complete it. If possible send him a copy of the Western Union receipt. I will be in touch again at the slightest opportunity.

As always, love and heartfelt regards.
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

I've never used Western Union before so I don't know what Piccard is talking about. I've never heard of a MCTN or a CMTM or whatever the fulk he's talking about. Ms. Bushburn always handles all my financial transactions and she didn't say anything about any acronyms when she called me.. She said as long as she was going to Irkutsk she wanted to spend a few days with her boyfriend and I have no way to contact her until she gets back to Gadyukina.

What do you want to bet that a-hole has already picked up the money and is using it to extend his FLorida vacation. I tell you Jessica, I do not trust that guy at all. I don't know what rock you found him under but he is definitely no good. After this is over I don't ever want to hear you mention his slimy name again, at least not for a few years.

My nerves are shot over this thing. I've had trouble sleeping the past several days and sleeping is something that Lewd Noogie never had a problem with before. I just want it over and done with.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Got your e-mail. I know it is not your fault and I assure you that Aidan can do no such thing. Please do all you can to make this happen quickly. I am counting on you for maximum support in this trying time.

I will check for updates again as soon as I can.

Love and Heartfelt regards always.

Jessica.
Lewd Noogie

Jessica my love, I have given this considerable thought and I'm writing to tell you that I'm finished with this. I've thought back over this project from the beginning and nothing has happened the way you said it would.

You told me that using your friend Piccard would make this thing risk-free. Yeah, right. Risk-free, that's what it is alright.

You told me that worst-case scenario was that he would return to Iraq with the boxes. After he gets in trouble in the US you tell me he can't bring the boxes back to Iraq.

You said the boxes couldn't be confiscated - who's got the boxes now? The US Customs, that's who!

You said the $8,000 you gave him would cover any contingencies he might have to deal with. Hell, he spent most of THAT before he even arrived in Florida.

You said Piccard was trustworthy and I would like him when I met him - the man is a thief and a dickhead and has probably spent the money that you gave him and I sent him on Orlando hookers.

I could go on and on but you get the idea.

So I'm out of this. It is not without a lot of regret as I think you and I would have been great together. What we had was definitely the beginnings of something special and I'll miss your lighthearted banter. I'm not even concerned about the money that I lost to Sh*thead, the important thing to me was getting you here.
Ah, what could have been.....

Let me give you one last warning about your 'friend' - there was no need for him to try to enter the US with those crates unless he knew what was in them and wanted to disappear in the US with them. The nitwit was in transit, no need for US Customs involvement at all. And telling us that he had to pay $8,000 for what he believed was personal effects is ludicrous. Well, if you don't know his true nature by now you never will.

I hate to abandon you like this but I can't take the stress anymore. You take care of yourself, keep your head down when you're on patrol, and if you're ever in this part of Russia you have my address and phone.

Forever yours,
Lewd

Jessica McBride
Lewd, you have fucking killed me! How can you just leave me in a lurch! It is better you put a gun to my head and shoot me!
Lewd Noogie

Now you're making me feel bad about this.Why don't you tell Piccard to borrow the money from the friend he's staying with there in Florida. I don't see any big problem here.

You know how I was starting to feel about you and that I don't feel good about pulling out of this but it's too freakin' stressful. I got my first good night's sleep last night in a long time.
You know you're still welcome here when you finish there in Iraq.

Your Lewd
Jessica McBride
But you claimed to have sent him the money. I know for sure that he cannot collect the money you claimed you sent because he does not have the necessary info to do so. If you have gone through all the effort of sending the money what is the difficulty in sending him the information to enable him collect the money? This is very strange indeed. I know Aidan very well. He is not capable of the bad things you have ascribed to him. Just send him the information (MTCN and Sender;s name). If you are sure he has collected the money then visit the western union website to confirm that one cannot collect money without the info. By the way what Ms. Bushburn's first name?
Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

I sent Ms. Bushburn (first name Maya) to Irkutsk with $2,800 to send to Piccard. She called me the next day and said that she sent the money to him. She didn't say anything about any MTCN and I still don't know what that is or what it's for.

I don't think you know Piccard anywhere near as well as you think you do. I think he's got your money and my money and he's probably pretty happy with himself. The money doesn't matter to me, what was important was you coming here.

Why don't you do like I suggested and tell him to borrow the money from his friend? See what he says.

Lewd
Jessica McBride
Remember he did say that his friend was a Ph.d student and does not have money. I did promise that I was going to come over. What's the point now if Aidan does not bring the containers. Please think about it. This is our life together we are talking about. Our future. Please think properly about this. All that remains for you to do now is just to send the transaction details to him. Once he gets the MTCN and Sender's name we are done. Please I beg you in the name of God not to abandon me in this time of need. The hard part has been done already.
Let's just make the final last push.
Lewd Noogie

Jessica,

The last sentence of your email brought an audible gasp from my lips. After thinking about it some more, I'd like to talk about a final last push of my own.

I've been here in this remote little village for two years now and it's very difficult for me to leave even for a day or two because of my work. In the two years I've been here I've only left the hotel once and that was only for a day and a half. There are only two women working here - one is my beautiful but unapproachable admin assistant Maya, the other a 175 kg East german massage therapist. In other words, not much action here. I spend a lot of time staring at the pictures you sent, imagining how great it would be to have you here with me. The transfer of your money has been nerve-wracking, more than I can take, but I need you here. There is one thing that might convince me to help you finish the transfer. I want you to forget that you're a soldier for a few minutes and remember that you're a woman.

Attractive and sexy isn't everything that I seek in a woman. I'm looking for one who is imaginative and uninhibited, who will do things without a second's thought, not the least bit shy about taking command of the situation and pleasing the man she's with.

I want you to tell me what you'll do to please me while you're here. Make it good and I'm back in the game.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

You are one crazy fellow you know that?! I got your e-mail and it made me laugh so hard that my ribs were aching. Boy! You are really a spoilt child! Before I go any further let me ask. Are you good in bed. I like sex a lot but can always keep a lid on my emotions. My training and experience makes me able to do so effortlessly. But when I am in the mode and let loose I can be as wild as a tigress. I can fuck your brains out of your ears. You better be good because when I come over you better not disappoint! So be ready and prepared because you are going to get it so hot that you will run away with me. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Whew! Is it just me or is it hot in here...

Lewd Noogie

No, no, no, I meant do things to please me like bringing coffee to my room in the morning or learn how to make those little blini with the fruit filling that I like so much or those grape leaf thingies that my mother used to make when I was growing up in Georgia. Or help keep my apartment clean. You know, stuff like that.

Lewd.
Jessica McBride

Bring out the violins!

Hi Lewd,

Just saw your mail. Aidan says he will be leaving the States by Monday for South Africa because he has been summoned by his home government. Please do not allow him to leave without delivering the containers to you. We still have only a few days to work this out. I beg you in the name of God. I fear for what we become of us if he leaves the containers with Customs in Orlando and they are opened or confiscated. The containers contain your name and address as receiver and mine as sender. This will be utter disaster for us if the containers are opened and the cash is discovered! Our lives and reputations could be destroyed forever. I can imagine what the FBI will do if this happens. The safest place for the containers are with you. Please! I beg you! I don't want to go to prison!

Please, I beg you.
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

You love to make me feel bad, don't you? You should understand that I'm only doing this for you because there's no way the FBI could ever touch me here.

Maya called from Irkutsk this afternoon telling me she won't be back until Saturday. I asked about the MCTN and she read the number to me over the phone. The connection was terrible and she has a pretty thick Ukrainian accent but I''m pretty sure the number is 1088500401. She said I also have to give the sender's name, location and the answer to a password question. Her name is Maya Bushburn, location is Gadyukina, Irkutskaya Oblast, Russian Federation. The password question is, "what is my favorite nail polish color?" and the answer is, "rosy future".

Women.

Tell Schwantz to go pick up the money and to let me know when he'll be here.

Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Just saw your e-mail. Thanks so much. Will pass it on to Aidan and get back in touch with you.

As always, my heartfelt regards.
Jessica.

Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Just received word from Aidan that the transaction with the details you gave is non-existent. Are you sure of the details? I guess we might have to wait for Maya to be able to know what is happening. I tracked the transactiom on Western Union website and the result of the search is the same as what Aidan says.

Heartfelt Regards,
Jessica.

Lewd Noogie

Subject: Good News

Just kidding, there's no good news, only bad news.

Jessica my love, I can see from your writing that you're bright and articulate but you do have some blind spots. For example, I'll bet you think that yours is the first email I've received from some 'soldier' in Iraq or Afghanistan who found millions of dollars in some cellar and wants me to help get it out of the country. Hell, I probably get 3 or 4 of those a day.

Bottom line is that I'm not sending you or 'Aidan' dick. Zip. Nada. I'm afraid that this is where you and I part company, but before we do I have a little advice. Ask around the internet cafe there and find out who was sending me email from a 'Grace Helton', they're the ones who got this screwed up for you. I was getting almost identical emails at the same time I was getting them from you. You gotta find that dummy and kick some butt.

Ok, babe, what we had was very, very special but I gotta move on. Tell Aidan I said fulk him and believe me, this comes from the bottom of my heart - fulk you, too.

Yours forever,
Lewd

Jessica McBride

[Jessica has to have the last word...]

Good news is that for every one I miss I always get two stupid Americans!
Hahahahahahaha!

Cheerio!
Lewd Noogie

Jessica, dearest, I'm so glad you're taking this so good-naturedly. It's nice that we're able to laugh about it. This is great, friends forever!

But I do find it hard to believe that you ever actually catch anyone with this particular scam. Please take my previous suggestion seriously - you have to coordinate better with your friends who are using the same scam, at the same time, and even with the same 'diplomat' name. Even if the victim doesn't fully catch on, it means you have more that you might have to explain. Just a suggestion.

Well I'm glad to know the two of us are still cool with each other. You take care, stay in touch and if you're ever in Irkutsk be sure to look me up.

Your Lewd
Jessica McBride

Hi Lewd,

Thanks for your last e-mail. We do catch a lot of people you know. But with better co-ordination with my friends the returns will definitely be better. I will work on this aspect.

Thanks.
Lewd Noogie

That's my girl!

Lewd

 

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