Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie has left many disappointed scammers in his wake.
He most recently appeared in We Are Not Talking About His Idiotness .
He has also survived death threats from Lads, as chronicled in
If You Value Your Life Send The Money and
Don't False Me to Do Stupid Thing to You.
Here, Lewd prepares to leave for a Pacific island to escape a Black Hole, but preparations have to be made first.
Professor Frank Miller - Scientist at CERN
Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie - International Hotel Consultant
Professor Frank Miller
X-Originating-IP: [18.104.22.168] [Hathway IP Over Cable Internet Access Service, Mumbai, India]
How are you? I hope all is well with your family, friends and pets. I hope this urgent mail meets you in a perfect condition. We have no time to waste regarding the information I am about to tell you, it is an urgent and serious matter.
My name is Professor FRANK, senior data analyst here at the CERN institute based here in Geneva(http://public.web.cern.ch/public/) CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, is one of the world's largest and most respected centres for scientific research. Its business is fundamental physics, finding out what the Universe is made of and how it works. You may have seen on the news that, in recent days, our Large Hadron Collider machine has been colliding high-speed beams of energy in order to explore new physics and understand how the universe began. CERN have been adamant that this is safe, however I KNOW THE TRUTH.
The truth is that this experiment that CERN are conducting is extremely dangerous, and could cause global disaster. This experiment has a 95% of causing a black hole, thus swallowing a large area of the planet. The scientists do not want you to know this as they know it will cause panic. However, I can help you.
I am arranging for a number of selected people to be evacuated to a safe location on an island in the South Pacific via aeroplane. You have been selected from random to take part in this evacuation, thus continuing the survival of the human race.
Please, if you are interested, email me back immediately with the following information:
Regards, and God bless.
I sincerely thank you for your email. You have confirmed what I have suspected all along - that damned machine is going to bring about the end of the world. It will create a disaster that will make Chernobyl look miniscule in comparison.
I also thank you for considering me as one of the people to entrust the continuation of the species, as this is a subject I practice as frequently as possible and have no small amount of expertise in. I would like any additional information you can send me as soon as possible.
The information you requested is below:
Full name: Lewis D. Noogie
I should explain about Russia. I am an International Hotel Consultant and I am currently employeed by a small resort hotel here in Gadyukina, Russia. My citizenship is dual UK/Georgian. The telephone number is for the front desk of the hotel as we have no signal availability for cell phones. It can be very difficult calling in or out so if you can't reach me you'll have to keep trying.
May god bless you as the saviour of the human race.
Professor Frank Miller
Thank you for your reply, I believe from my heart that I can count on you. Right now I have managed to gather together 35 other random people, just like yourself, to join me on the evacuation. The island we will be evacuating to is called Tokelau. As I said, it will be the safest place to be in the world in a few days, as the black hole created by the experiment will not reach as far as there. The plane will be able to pick you up from your local airport, so it is important you let me know exactly where you are right now.
However, I do ask that you are able to provide me with a small sum of money to the tune of $2500. This is to simply cover each person's share of fuel in the aircraft, along with other factors such as aircraft parking and maintenance. It will also go towards constructing new buildings on the island upon our arrival.
If you still maintain an interest, email me back immediately and I shall provide you with information on how to pay the money. As soon as you pay this fee, you will be sent a confirmation ticket by the airline who are providing the aircraft to us, KINGFISHER AIR LINE. We will then also arrange a pick-up date and time from your local airport.
Regards, and God bless.
I appreciate your fast response and your sense of urgency.
I understand that this trip will cost money and I have no problem with that. However, I'm sure that you understand that I heard from you for the first time today and I am not typically of the habit to send money to someone that I just met on the internet without being reasonably sure of what my money was going for. I will admit that $2,500 is a very reasonable price, I just need a little reassurance that you can and will follow through.
I have given your first email a lot of thought. We have an opportunity here that only happens once in many millenia - that is, to start the world over! The logistics are enormous but I feel it can be done. Do you have an estimate for the total number of people you intend to move to the island?
Please let me know as soon as possible.
By the way, my friends call me Lewd (short for Lewis D.)
Professor Frank Miller
Good day dear friend, how are you? is hard for people to belive internet now, we know the truth what your paying for is for the ticket and for other expences like i told you we are gouing to set up a house on the arrival on the island there is not doubt about this i have made a prove of my emplyment card in the cern company i attach it for you to know who your deling with if your able to make the payment do reply me as soon as posible so i can get the payment detail from the airlin we are useing, you have to pay directly to the airlin hope to see you soon
regards professor frank miller
[Either this scam got handed off to someone lower in the organization or the stress of impending doom is affecting Frank's spelling, grammer, etc.]
[We don't have the "Miller" ID card. If there is a Frank Miller at CERN, by the way, we hope he has a sense of humor. He probably does. In Scamorama's experience, physicists throw the best parties.]
Go ahead and put me down for $2,500, I'm ready to get out of here before we all get sucked into that black hole. Are you sure this island where we're going will be safe?
I do have another question or two. The other 35 people - how many of them are women? For succesful preservation of our species I figure we need at least six women for each man so if the male segment of our group is restricted to you, myself and 3 other guys, and the rest are women, it will be a perfect ratio. And I'm not totally convinced of the absolute necessity of the other 3 guys.
Along these same lines, I presume there was strict quality control in the selection of the women? It's too bad I wasn't in on the selection process earlier, I coulda been a big help.
By the way, where exactly is this island? Are there any people living there already? Maybe some of those native girls in the grass skirts? Uh, I only ask in the interest of the continuing survival of our species.
I await further information.
Lewdps - I find myself really looking forward to this adventure!
Professor Frank Miller
Hello dear friend how are you today? i acknolaged your email, well regarding your qurestion among the selected 35 persions we alredy have 11 single ladys and if you can take your girl friend your free, as for the island the cientist have confirmd it that is safe before we are embacking to the jorny. people have been liveing there since they got information about the black hole,
please as you can see we are runing out of time do let me know so i can detail you on how you can make the payment for the payment to be made as soon as posible reply me immedeatly as soon as you can. once the payment is made your ticket we be send to you regardsprofessor frank miller
I feel it necessary to express my concern over the male/female ratio that you have described. With single women accounting for only 11 of our group, a simple calculation tells me that the other 26 are guys. Professor Williams, we are courting disaster and I strongly urge you to rethink the numbers. With 26 dudes competing for 11 women on a remote island, I foresee our happy little group having the highest homicide rate this side of Bogota. I believe if you review my six-women-to-one-man figures that I proposed earlier, you'll find our chances of keeping the species continuous, and social harmony in general, to be much greater. Professr Miller, work with me here. Wouldn't you rather have your pick of six at any time than being restricted to competing with two other guys for the attention of one woman? I'm telling you, I know women; we'll end up with 11 unapproachable dilatantes. It'll be like convoy duty. We really must revise these numbers and I'd like your thoughts on this before I fully commit to the journey.
Please send me the details on how I get my ticket. Upon final decision I want to be ready to move on short notice.Lewd
Professor Frank Miller
Hello dear friend how are you? i ackolage your email, regarding the payment you have to pay via money unin transfer to the cercatry he is the one taking all the recoords of the payments bellow is the payment details
reciver name: mikel rechard
Get back to me with the payment details
make the payment as soon as you got my email as you can see we are runing out of time,
I thank you for your usual fast response.
I have given our situation considerable thought and, while I understand that time is short, I feel that the issue of number of women to men is something I want to be satisfied with before I buy the ticket. What I mean is that I don't want to spend my life on an island with 26 guys and only 11 women. Life would not be worth living under those circumstances, even on an island paradise.
I hope you can see my point. As I said before, it's not a money issue. $2,500 is a small amount to pay to avoid the oblivion of a black hole, but I want to be assured of a reasonable quality of life.
Is it not possible to use your position there at CERN to delay the startup of that antichrist machine for a few days so that we can rework the numbers? Can't you hide the fuses or put sand in the gas tank or something like that?
Please let me know. Lewd
Professor Frank Miller
[A certain urgency creeps into his correspondence.]
Hello friend how are you? i acknolaged your email well as i told you we have 11 ladies who is single others are with ther husband and as a matter of fact tell we live more are coming ok is were you can found more thank 10, 000 fournd there as time gos on life is going on over there dont take woman as a problem i have give the other to make the payment as soon as you make the payment you confirmation ticket we be send to you follow my intruction make the payment and send the payment deatils to me
professor frank miller
If I understand your email correctly, you anticipate eventually having 10,000 women on the island as time goes on. Maybe, but that won't be of much help for the first 20 years or so after they're born. You may be a top-notch nuclear physicist but I'm afraid your expertise as a demographer falls somewhat short.
The nearest money unin transfer office is in Irkutsk, 8 hours away by car. I will arrange for Ms. Bushburn, my admin assistant, to make the trip first thing in the morning, weather permitting. Once she has sent the money she will call me with the details and I will forward them to you.
In the meantime, I would like to be appointed as your 'Survivor Selection Czar' in charge of setting policy in the chosing of who goes to the island. We need to make sure my, uh, I mean our, immediate needs are met. I also want to be able to screen all names to be sure one of my ex-wives doesn't make the list.
I would like to submit the following suggestions for your approval:
1. No husbands - This will only complicate things as you know how possessive husbands can get. We tell them that the wives have to go to the island first and that we'll send the plane back for them (the husbands) in a day or two. Whether we do or not will be determined at a later time, maybe in a year or so after the black hole gets 'em.
2. Reduce the initial number of men to no more than 5 and I'll only chose guys who are real goblins. Less competition for you and I.
3. What about booze? Have you made any arrangements for stockpiling? I don't want to have to drink fermented mango juice the rest of my life.
Professor Miller, we have a chance to build a utopia on that island, a brave new world. It is imperrative that we get things started off on the right foot. This can be a real paradise if we set it up correctly from the start.
Let me know what you think and I'll get Ms. Bushburn off to Irkutsk tomorrow.Lewd
I thought of a few more survival necessities that I can't properly function without:
1. I'm gonna need cigars - any chance we could go to Cuba instead of Tokelau? I don't want to spend the rest of my life smoking dried coconut leaves.
2. A car - Something fast with a large back seat. Oh, and a boat, something about 55 ft. long would be nice.
3. We're gonna need cows, good ones, and none of that range-fed stuff. I like my steaks corn-fed.
That'll do it for now, more as I think of it.
When's the plane coming?
[Either Frank decided I was gonna be too high maintenance and has decided to leave me behind or I dicked around too long and the black hole has formed and consumed him. Either way, I haven't heard from him anymore.]