WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON


Updated october 8, 2008

... make lemonade!

Brother Mark Knopfler's contemplative pursuits are interrupted by another foray outside the tranquil gates of the Church of the Sultans of Swing to fight Scamosity.

His previous exploits include LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK, REMAIN BLESSED AND SWINGING, THE MUGU'S TOO BIG and MONEY FOR NOTHING.

He has also collaborated on Foreign Office productions, such as A REAL CHARLIE and UNITED WE LAUGH.

Brother Mark appears courtesy of Scambaiters Equity.

CAST
Garry Booker - dying Kiwi with largesse to spread around
Tunde Lemo - banker Lad
Chris Uba - mysterious doctor Lad

versus
Brother Mark Knopfler, humble man of the cloth, and guitar wizard

[Classic scam elements are highlighted.]


Garry Booker
Received: from [82.128.9.25] [Multilinks Telecommunications, Lagos]
Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2008
From: Garry Booker <garrybooker75@yahoo.com>
Subject: urgent response be your brothers keeprs.

My Dear

I AM WRITING THIS MAIL TO YOU IN GOOD FAITH,MY NAME IS MR.GARRY BOOKER FROM NEW ZEALAND.

I USED TO WORK WITH SHELL PETROLEUM ,NIGERIA WHERE I AM PRESENTLY UNDERGOING TREATMENT AND WAS ALSO A MAJOR INVESTOR IN OFFSHORE OIL RIGGS UNTIL RECENTLY WHEN I WAS CRIPPLED BY STROKE WHICH LEFT HALF PART OF MY BODY PARALYSED AND ALSO I HAD UNDERGONE EXTENSIVE EYE SURGERY WHICH HAS RESULTED INTO POOR VISION.
FOR THE PAST FIFTEEN YEARS I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR A MIRACLE,A SPIRITUAL CURE ALL TO NO AVAIL. RECENTLY MY DOCTOR GAVE ME VERY BAD NEWS WHICH IS VERY DISTURBING TO MY EARS,HE SAID THAT IN ABOUT THREE MONTHS TIME THAT I WILL DIE OF MY ILLNESS,I HAVE NO CLOSE RELATIVE AROND AND THE ONLY ONE I HAVE WHICH HAPPENS TO BE A DISTANT COUSIN OF MINE MRS LINDA LEFLER LEFT FOR AUSTRALIA 10 YEARS AGO AND SINCE THEN I HAVENT SEEN HER NEITHER DO I HAVE HER POSTAL ADDRESS.

I HAVE SURRENDERED MY LIFE TO GOD AND I AM NOW A BORN AGAIN,I WANT TO DO A GOOD DEED BEFORE I DEPART HENCE MY CONTACTING YOU.

I WILL WANT TO SET UP ORPHANAGES IN MY NAME AND ALSO DONATE THE REST OF MY WEALTH TO THE MISSIONARY OR CHARITABLE ORGANIZATIONS AND FOR THE NEEDY SINCE THE WEALTH WOULD NOT BE USEFULL FOR ME WHEN I AM GONE.I AM SEEKING FOR WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO DILLIGENTLY CARRY OUT THIS WILL OF GOD FOR ME WHICH IS THE REASON I AM CONTACTING.

MY ACCOUNT BALANCE PRESENTLY TOTALLING $46,828,645.67 AS WAS REFLECTED IN MY LAST STATEMENT ACCOUNT FROM MY BANK ACCOUNT I HAVE IN THE BANK AND I HAVE WISH TO USE THIS FUND TO FINANCE THIS PROJECT AS I DO NOT HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT,YOU WILL BE ENTITLED TO 24% OF THESE FUNDS FOR YOUR GOOD WORK AND PUT THE INTO THE CHURCH AND CHARITABLE ORGANIZATIONS,

WHAT WILL BE REQUIRED OF YOU IS TO MAKE CONTACT WITH THE BANK FOR THESE FUNDS TO BE TRANSFERED BUT THE FIRST THING I WILL REQUIRE FROM YOU IS TO GIVE YOUR LIFE TO GOD,RIGHT NOW I AM CONFINED TO AN AUTOMATED WHEEL CHAIR IN THE TEACHING HOSPITAL AND THE INTERNET IS THE ONLY MEANS I HAVE IN COMMUNICATING WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD.I PRESUME THAT YOU ARE THE RIGHT PERSON TO MEET REGARDING SUCH ISSUE AS I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER TO GO TO ANOTHER PARTY,PLEASE SEND ME A MAIL IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ASSIST ME ON THIS AND ALSO INCLUDE YOUR CELLPHONE,PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS TO ENABLE MYSEF CALL YOU WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF THE NURSE HERE WHO HAS BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO ASSIST ME,I WANT YOU TO SEND YOUR RESPONSE AS I AM EAGERLY EXPECTING YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE TO MY MAIL.

AS SOON AS I RECIEVE A RESPONSE FROM YOU I SHALL SEND A CHEQUE FROM MY HOSPITAL OF MY FUNDS TO MY BANK TO TRANSFER EVERY INFORMATION PERTAINING TO THS FUND OVER TO YOU INCLUDING ALL LEGAL DOCUMENTS FOR ONWARD TRANSFER TO YOUR ACCOUNT SO THAT YOU CAN COMMENCE ON THIS WORKOF GOD FOR ME AS I AM DISABLED AND WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MOVE AROUND AND DO MUCH.

YOU CAN ALSO SEND ME A POST THROUGH MY ADDRESS BELOW.I AM PRSENTLY VERY ILL AND WILL REALLY APPRECIATE IT FOR YOU TO CALL ME ON 234-1-2206719,

I AM BY MY BEDSIDE AND WILL BE AWAITING YOUR CALL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING
REMAIN BLESSED
MR.GARRY BOOKER

[Considering English is his first language, its not very good]

[This is a lavish take on the CANCER letter.]

Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2008

Dear Mr Booker

You have indeed struck lucky and as you have found a brother in faith and we can most certainly help you. I am curious though why you would wish to keep such a large amount of the money for yourself with such a short time to live. We could do much good work for you with the whole balance. We are in the process of starting a new foundation at our resort and would be delighted to name the building after you, The Garry Bookey Building. Please let me know what I need to do

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort http://www.churchofthesultansofswing.site40.net
Garry Booker
Received: from [72.3.137.82] [Net2Roam, London: provides local dial-up numbers "worldwide at rates below normal international rates"]
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 2008

From: Garry Booker <garrybooker75@yahoo.com> Subject: urgent response Dear brother mark.

I receive your email and am well understand.

Please my good brother in Christ I donŐt want bank to shall my money that is why I contacted you, and I only want money to use for gods work as I promise him thanks that you are a man of god I want this money to use for Christianity home.

By tomorrow I will give you the contact address of my bank and also my local lowyar here so that they can tell you how to get this fund.

And find my PIC and I just manage to writ do to the assistance the nurse here.

Have a nice day.

[enclosed some rather rubbish googles hospital shots]

Garry Booker
Received: from [82.128.33.127]
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2008
Subject: urgent response make sure you get back to me.

brother mark .

do you receive my email i sent to you,please my good brother in christ you can see the stution i am into.

please brother mark i dont want money to enter into any black man accout thiat is why i contacted you as a goreigner and also man of God.

you dont need to wast any time drotor told me that i just have few days to stay.

my barrister to proceed to federal ministry of justice to effect change of names in your name to make a rightful next of kin.

and you have to contact the bank immdiately and ask them what to do.
here is there contact address uniobankplc@googlemail.com
and a copy will send to you which we back you up in your country as the next of kin.

make sure you get intuch with the bank today and get back to me immdiately you contact them.

thanks.

garry

[probably the weekend.....but he is in a hurry isnt he. Must be because he is a dying man!!!]

Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2008

Dear Mr Broker

I can assure you the the Church of the Sultans of Swing is more than capable of transferring and dealing with this sort of value. Before I joined the order, I was an MD and can indeed see that you are attached to the hypo gumption machine. I am slightly concerned though that you appear to have a Fletsenbaum device attached. These have proved most unreliable in the past.
Any how, we prayed for you yesterday and will continue to do so. Brother Peter File ( he plays with our younger members in our order) and Brother Ray Pisst (who looks after the females in our order) held a special prayer meeting for you so we hope you feel our blessings.

I await your contact

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort http://www.churchofthesultansofswing.site40.net
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2008

Dear Gary

I didn't see your other mail before I replied to your last one. Please accept my humble merkins. I can see that you are definitely under the weather as your spelling is simply appalling.

stution - I assume you are meaning SITUATION
accout - Account?
thiat - That?
goreigner - Foreigner perhaps?
drotor - not sure... could be Doctor?
immdiately - Immediately?
intuch - In Touch?

I hope that your spelling improves with your health. I will contact the bank. However, all you have said is to contact the bank and ask them what to do. Im sure in your poorly state you are of feeble mind you have simply neglected to give me the information I am surely going to need. I can hardly email a bank and say, "tell me what to do". They wont know who I am or why I am contacting them. If you can struggle back to your computer and give me this information then I can start the ball rolling as I really want to ensure you get everything you deserve in this life, and the next

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort http://www.churchofthesultansofswing.site40.net
Garry Booker
Received: from [41.221.167.57] [Swift Networks, Lagos]
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008

dear brother mark.
i receive your mail and you have to understand that i have writh to the bank and tell them that i want to use you as my nest of kin.

what you have to do now to contact them and ask them what do immdiately i have send you there email address which is uniobankplc@gmail.com.

make sure you contact them today and ask them what to do and get back to me.
and you have to know that my local lawyer have will do all the documents in yuor name and a copy we send to you and the bank as the nest of ikn to me.

good day.

garry
Garry Booker
Received: from [41.221.167.57]
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008
Subject: urgent response

brother mark.
do you receive my email and what are you waiting for, the director of unio bank are wait to hear from you.

i have informed them about this and they will transfer this money without problem.

hope to hear from you

garry
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008

By the power of greyskull, you only waited 16 minutes before chasing me. I have many things to do you know.

What exactly do you want me to ask the bank. You still havent said. All you have said is that you have asked them to accept me as you next of kin. So what do I do, just email them and say Im your next of kin and thats it? They will know who I am and who you are etc?

Remain Blessed and Swinging
Garry Booker
Received: from [204.16.125.3] [ISP providing satellite and other wireless internet connectivity in the Americas and Africa.]
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008

brother mark.

i receive your email and the bank will contact you today.

good day.

garry
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2008

Dear Gazza

I am now about to leave on a 2 week sabatical so will leave you in the capable hands of my colleague Sister Dill Dowe Who will look after you

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort http://www.churchofthesultansofswing.site40.net

[Was going to pass it onto our lovely co baiter Raynaz....but completely forgot to tell her about it!!!]

Garry Booker
Received: from [72.3.137.83]
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2008

have you hear from the bank
Garry Booker
Received: from [87.248.121.3] [Yahoo Europe?]
Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2008

dear brother mark.
why are you doing all this, you can see my condution and you still find it too hard to get intuch with the bank why do want this peopel to share my money witing thre self.
please make sure yoy get intuch with the bank today.
thanks
garry

[Why am I doing it..?? Because Im a heartless cad... random]

Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Mon, 1 Sep 2008

Dear Gaz

I have returned from my sabatical now. Very restful it was indeed. Were you not contacted by my cohort as I mentioned? I shall have to ensure that the rubber suit with the bottom cut out is brought out of retirement and that the pot of slippery eels is once again called into action. Please remind me of what is to be done so that I can attend to it post haste
Garry Booker
Received: from [82.128.6.226]
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 2008

ATTN: brother mark :
thank you for your responsed.
all you have to do now is to contact the bank i send there information to you.

writ them immdiately and get back to me
best regards
garry
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Wed, 3 Sep 2008

Dear Gazza

I hope that this extra effort is not too taxing for you. We held a prayer meeting last night for your well being. I hope you could feel the love we pushed towards you. We had a total eclipse of the heart, it was bonnie indeed. I await the information you say you are sending so that I can contact the bank,
Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.230] [Rackspace UK-TurboDial]
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2008

dear brother mark.

Here are them bank contact
Bank name Union Bank Of Nigeria Plc.
Name of the Director Dr tunde lemo
Email Address: uniobankplc@googlemail.com
Tel: +2347033559603
You have to contact them immediately and about the fund.
And be informing that my local lawyer here will be changing the entire document in name.

thanks.

garry

["Dr" Lemo is the closer, as it were. "Garry" will get a little something. Of whatever they get out of Brother Mark. Which will be zero.]

Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2008

Subject: Ref Mr Gary Booker
To: uniobankplc@googlemail.com

Dear Dr Tunde Lemon

I am contacting you with reference to the fund currently in the name of the above. Our prayers are with Gary. We prayed for him last night and Brother Le Bon decided that he wasn't going to save a prayer for him now, but was going to save it til the morning after. Brother Tennant says he is always on our mind. Its a sin that someone who has obviously turned to good should suffer but soon he will be where the streets have no name, at the right hand of the almighty. We held a prayer meeting with the local village people at the YMCA recently. There were many new faces as apparently some were in the navy and visiting. He has our thoughts.

To expedite this as soon as possible, please tell me what actions are now required on my part,

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort http://www.churchofthesultansofswing.site40.net
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2008

Dear Gaz

I have contacted the bank as you have intimated and emailed Dr Lemon requesting further instructions. You may be pleased to know that the new recording studio on the resort has been completed. We played last night until we had stiff little fingers. The sound was a clash of noise. I didn't know whether to stay or go to be honest as my home, London, was calling as I have not been there for a while. It is full of cockney rejects and hersham boys so my mind is all in a dither. What would you suggest? As someone who is not in their own country as I am, would you not prefer to return home to get some bungee jumping in before you journey into the great yonder that is the afterlife?
Garry Booker
Received: from [204.16.125.3]
Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2008

Dear brother.
The director called me this morning that he is no more using that gamily account I give So look at the one you will use to contact him unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com
Please make sure you resend the email today and you follow the instruction please.
Thanks
Garry
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2008

Honestly Gazza, this really is the pits you know. What sort of bank is this that changes its email address. It must cause many problems with the customers.
You didnt answer my question by the way. What do you think?

I have re sent the email to Mr Lemon

Remain Blessed and Swinging

[sent the same mail again.. no point in repeating it]

Tunde Lemo
Received: from 72.14.246.251
Date: Sat, 6 Sep 2008
From: "tunde lemo" <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>
Subject: Your urgent response

Brother Mark.

We do receive and noted the content of your message.

It has being a log time we receive an email from Garry about this fund how to transfer this fund to you but we are only waiting to hear from you.

Garry is a very good customer with our bank here and have a BALANCE PRESENTLY TOTALLING the sum of 2.millon dollars in our bank and we are ready to transfer this fund into your account without any hitch.

But it will only cost you {1.250 British pounds sterling} for our transfer charges/administrative/attestation and you will pay this money before we can transfer this fund into your account.

And all we need from you is how to transfer this fund and your banking information is required, home address/office also.

I wait for your urgent response.

Good day.

Tunde lemo.

[hhmmm.. I seem to remember it was around $43 million before.....]

Garry Booker
Received: from [83.138.172.72]
Date: Sat, 6 Sep 2008

dear brother mark.
do be able to hear from bank
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2008

Dear Gazmundo chap

I have emailed the bank, twice now, but have yet to hear back from this Mr Lemon fellow. Are you sure you can trust him and he isnt going to use the details to rip you off? Perhaps you could chase the bank as they know you.
The new Madonna single has just been recorded at our studio on the resort. Its most excellent. You should look out for it assuming that they let you have cd players and that sort of thing in your hospital. I know that Nigerian hospitals can be very grim and mud hut like and dont always have this facility.

Remain Blessed and Swinging

[Then I saw the banks email after]

Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2008

Gazza

It seems that my initial worries were correct. I have heard from this Lemon bloke and he tells me you only have 2 million in the account, not the 43 million you told me you had. I think he has been stealing your money quite honestly. I should contact them most urgently. I wont proceed with anything until I have heard from you as I don't want to exacerbate the situation without your say so. I have some good people who are experts in private investigation if you are interested. They don't want money for nothing and will do a most excellent job for you.

We shall pray that bad things happen to this Lemon chap at the bank. We have an old Iron Maiden in our museum for the evil that men do. Can I play with madness I sometimes ask myself but that draws me to the number of the beast who says that we should bring our daughters to the slaughter. I hope that this will be enough for him to see his wicked ways.

I await to hear from you before I contact the bank.

Remain Blessed and Swinging
Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.230]
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2008
Subject: Urgent Response

Dear brother.
I receive your mail and I have called the director and he tells me that was a mistake.
And he told me that the total amount is $46,828,645.67 so get back to them with there requirement.
Hope to hear from you as soon as. possible
Thanks
Garry
Tunde Lemo
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2008
From: "tunde lemo" <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>
Subject: I WAIT FOR YOUR URGENT REPLY

brother mark.

I JUST RECEIVE A CALL FROM GARRY NOW REGARD THE MAIL I SEND TO YOU.

PLEASE YOU TO KNOW THAT IS TRIPENIG ERRO FROM THE TOTAL AMOUNT IS $46,828,645.67 THAT IS THE MONEY HE HAVE FOR OUR BANK NOW.

BEST REGARD.

MR TUNDE LEMON

[Even HE is now calling himself mr lemon...... HAHAHAHAHA]

Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2008
To: tunde lemo <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>

Dear Mr Lemon

Ok. Now we have that sorted we can proceed. What information do you need from me? We prayed to the Madonna last night and in the club on the resort (where we heard confessions from the dance floor) for the well being of Gaz.

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort http://www.churchofthesultansofswing.site40.net
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2008

Dear Gaz

I have emailed Mr Lemon back and am awaiting his instructions. Now the new recording studio is completed we are starting to decorate them. Get it done while we can because a rolling stone gathers no moss. We had a red door but I wanted it painted black (looks better I think) and like a jumping jack flash it was done.
By the way, you didn't answer my question about the resort angel (I enclose her picture for you) as she would really like to meet you. She is soon to have leave and is in fact from your country so she thought it might be nice to see a zealander.

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort http://www.churchofthesultansofswing.site40.net
Tunde Lemo
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2008
Subject: Re: I WAIT FOR YOUR URGENT REPLY

Brother Mark.

We do receive and noted the content of your message.

And all we need from you is how to transfer this fund and your banking information is required, home address/office also.

But it will only cost you {1.250 British pounds sterling} for our transfer charges/administrative/attestation and you will pay this money before we can transfer this fund into your account.

[A Man of few words which get stranger as you will soon see]

Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.230]
Date: Mon, 8 Sep 2008
Subject: Urgent Response

Dear brother
All you have how is that my problem is how bank will transfer this fund into your account before I die.
You can see that I just managing to writ Dow to the assistant of a nurse here who is help me here.
Please I will only advice you to follow the bank intrusion and let them transfer this fund into your account before I die because doctor informed me this morning that I just have a few days from now.
And I donŐt want this people to share my money if I die please follow there intrusion let them transfer this fund for you.
You need to understand this now and follow there intrusion.
Thanks.
Garry
Tunde Lemo
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2008

Brother Mark.
do you receive my last email to you and we are waiting to hear from you.
so that we will know what do immdaitely we hear from you.

your urgent response
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2008
To: garrybooker75@yahoo.com

Gaz

You wont die, you will just live on in another place. Our prayers for you will keep you with us in this place until the deal is completed. We want to ensure that you get everything thats coming to you and so this morning, Sister Gladys said 3 pips for you (Prayers in Progress for Salvation). We are just waiting for Mr Lemon to contact us so that we con conclude all that is required. Perhaps you can give him a nudge as we dont want to you shuffle from this immortal coil to early. The prayers of the Sultans of Swing are indeed powerful but like Dr. Evil said to Austin Powers in verse 10 "Were not so different you and I"

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2008
To: tunde lemo <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>

Dear Mr Lemon

How would you like us to transfer £1.25p to you? It seems such a small sum that its not really worth it for anyone surely? As a bank you must write off lots of money each year. Surely for such a piffling sum you can make it disappear?

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort
Tunde Lemo
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 2008

Brother Mark Knopfler,

I am very sorry for the late response.

ALLOCATION NO: CBN001/FGN/VOL1
SEQUENCE NO: FGNMS3/NNPCXXX/CCD
DELIVERY CODE: CSB77/1000M/CODE3
DELIVERY ANALYSIS NO: SSXXCM110

I herey writting to you for legal provisions based on the instruction received from the Office Of The Accountant General Of The Federation today being 9th/09/2008.

We are in response to the delivery instruction given by the above offices to you in line with the signing of the transfer release order documents on your behalf that will enable the us to wire your funds as instructed by Mr.Garry Booker The Original Beneficiary of the said funds.. We have also been briefed by the Office Of The Presidency on the importance of time.

WHICH WILL ACERTAIN THE AUTHENTIFICATION OF YOUR CLAIMS AND AFTER WHICH THE FUNDS WILL BE WIRED TO YOU ONCE DOCUMENTS IS BEING ISSUED TO US BY WEDNESDAY THIS WEEK BEING 10TH SEPTEMBER 2008 ..IN LINE WITH THIS,THE DOCUMENTS ARE COPIES MADE FOR SIGNATORIES OF BENEFICIARY TO AVOID ANY FURTHER CLAIM FROM ANY BODY AFTER PAYMENT, ALSO TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE THE RIGHTFUL PERSON AUTHORISED FOR THE RELEASE OF THE FUNDS . IN QUOTE ALL THIS PROTOCOLS ARE BEEN OBSERVED FOR GENUE CLAIMS AND PROOF.

Also all necessary profile details of yours have been forwarded to them by the our humble selves .However, according to your request for us to sign the transfer release order documents, note that the legalization will be done within two working days. We will do everything within our powers to put in consideration your limited time frame thereby expediating all actions in legalizing and signing the documents in a timely manner.

The following are the proceedural steps/requirements needed for the earliest signing of the documents with the Apex Bank rules and regulations.

Upon the receipt of the approval notice from the ministries, an appointment date will be given to us for the transfer .

We needed the copies of your identification documents like driver's licence that will aid us in obtaining the required certificates from the ministries authenticating your claims and the notary/stamp fees paid, the clearance legalization letter will be issued to us by the regulatory Ministries.

The following mandatory payments need to be effected by you to the ministry to ensure earliest issuance of the clearance that will aid the Federal Minstry Of Finance (FMF)allow us to sign the documents on your behalf.

Payment of 750 British Pound Sterling only (Seven hundred and fifty british pound sterlings only )representing the non refundable deposit for the registration forms to be paid to the Ministry Of Justice.

Payment of 200.00 BGP only ( Two Hundred british pound sterling only) representing the stamp fee to the Ministry.

Payment of 350.00 (Three hundred and fifty british pound sterling only) is for the insurance coverage, is representing our legal/service charges.

The total amount is 1,250.00(ONE THOUSAND TWO AND FIFTY BGP ONLY).

Note: that without this payment, we are completely incapacitated in doing anything towards the signing of the transfer release bond,NNPC PERFORMANCE RE-VALIDATION CERTIFICATE/CONTRACT COMPLETION CERTIFICATE/ CERTIFICATE OF INCORPORATION,AND TWO OTHER CERTIFICATES that we enable the bank to wire your fund. You are therefore advised to effect this payment immediately without delay.

Payment should make via western union money transfer or money gram and Send respectively to my EMEKA MORDI ..

Receiver's Name: EMEKA MORDI
Address: NIGERIA
Text Question: WHAT FOR
Text Answer: FINAL CLEARANCE
AMOUNT :1,250.00 BGP

Sender's Address/Name is needed for proper confirmations.
Upon the completion of the Harmonization Process/Finacle Core being validated,wire transfer proof will be forward to you.

Mr.Tunde Lemo.
Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.218]
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2008
Subject: Urgent Response

My Dear brother mark.
I receive your mail and am very glad with the content.
God will keep us alive I pray so and you people should continue praying for me so that even Dow I die my soul will be rejoicing in heaven.
But please brother my problem here now that I donŐt want bank to share my money there self all you have do is to follow there intrusion and make they transfer this fund into your account.
And you will use this fund to build a Christianity home do not start on my money please.
Thank.
Garry
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2008
To: garrybooker75@yahoo.com

Dear Gazza

Im not quite sure what you mean about not starting on your money. You will be pleased to know however, that we have the island architects coming round later on today so that we can begin plans for the Garry Broker Whore House (Women Having Other Responsibilities Elsewhere). It will indeed be a most palatial and tranquil place. All the whores will thank you and pray to you every day. Each will have their own room and all the whores will be most grateful to you and your kindness.
I have received a letter from the bank and it is being dealt with as we speak. I wish you could be here to see the final stages of the Gary Brokker Whore House and allow the women to thank you personally. I know the whores are most accomodating.
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2008
To: tunde lemo <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>

Dear Mr Lemon

Please find enclosed my Smegaroonian drivers licence. Upon my travels to the bank, I have found that they do not have a facility to transfer the money via Western Union nor is there an office on the island. They have helpfully suggested that if you give them your account details of your bank, they will happily transfer the money into your account for no charge.
I am astounded however, that the president would be bothered to consult with you on this matter. I was not even aware that something like this would be of interest to them or how they would find out about it.
We have a good relationship with his office so I will drop President Umaru Yar'Adua a quick note of thanks for his time and trouble

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort

Tunde Lemo
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2008

"Adversities breaks the souls" may i have the president informations so that we can not leave the object for the shardow. no international transfer with out due process.

Mr.Tunde Lemo.

[eerrrr.... wot!!]

Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.218]
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 2008
Subject: Urgent Response

Dear brother mark ..

what mean is that i dont want my money to go for another thing i only want this fund God work as a man of God you use it for good work ok..
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2008
To: garrybooker75@yahoo.com

Dear Gazza

Yes, I understand completely. We have announced the new whore house on our church sign (enclosed picture). All of your money is to be used for the work of our lord and shall not be wasted. Many people will benefit in our church from your donation, not just the whores. I have received a rather strange email from your Mr Lemon though. Perhaps you can explain what it is he means as I dont have a scooby.

"Adversities breaks the souls" may i have the president informations so that we can not leave the object for the shardow. no international transfer with out due process.

Do you know what he is on about? Is he a drinker and was perhaps on his 3rd or 4th bottle of firewater or whatever it is that you fellas like to indulge in??
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 2008
To: tunde lemo <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>

Dear Mr Lemon

As I dont have a clue what you are talking about, I can only assume that you have partaken of some drinking during your working hours. I have forwarded your mail onto Gazza to see if he can make head or tail of it because its quite simply meaningless. You should be ashamed of yourself if you have been hitting the bottle!
Garry Booker
Received: from [83.138.172.72]
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008

Tunde Lemon have being my banker for the past years and may be he took some bottles after the work load in his office, i do not know about that. Let us proceed immediately and disregard that very message. what is our stand now? My name is garry booker not Gazza.

Garry.
Tunde Lemo
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008

Dear Valued Customer,

We have to startup the hermonization process once you paid the fee as instructed and thereafter, your funds will be wired into your nominated bank account and transfer acess code will be validated as well.

We have an appointment with the Federal Ministry Of Justice regarding the issuance of the telex copies and affidavit of claim certificates.

You have the receiver's name for western union payment and you can as well make adequate move and ensure payment and get back to us with proof of payment so that we can proceed further with out delay.

Mr.Tunde Lemo.

[Not sure this isnt a new lad.....]

Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008
To: garrybooker75@yahoo.com

Dear Gary

Gazza is a friendly term in both our countries for the name Gary. It was not meant as an insult but as a friendly term. As a zealander I am suprised that you were not aware of this.
I hope you were excited by the picture announcing your new building in my last mail, the island is most excited about it. Who knows, maybe you will hang on long enough to come and open it yourself. It would be a delight to have you here in person. I have a mail from mr lemon and so will attend to it with no procrastination.
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008
To: tunde lemo <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>

Dear Mr Lemon

I have spoken to our finance department and they are requesting a "pro Forma" from you so that this money can be obtained. Please can you supply as requested so that we can send your money. I dont know how we are going to get round this western union thing as there is not one on the island. Is there another way we can make payment?
Garry Booker
Received: from [83.138.172.72]
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008
Subject: You Need To Understand This becomes it late.

Brother Mark.
I receive your mail and I pray God we do so but mien why you should follow the bank intrusion and let them transfer this fund into your account first.
Please my good brother in Christ I do not want bank to share my money.
Please see what you will do to make sure they transfer this fund into your account before I die.
Garry
Tunde Lemo
Date: Sat, 13 Sep 2008

Beneficiary,

Since there is no western union in the island,We prefer you wireinto our oil credit reserve union bank account in New-York City,USA.

We will send to you or your financial department a statement showing the projected annual income and operating expenses of a project. This is the "pro forma" as he needed by monday but payment must be made why we send to you what is required.

Tunde Lemo.
Garry Booker
Received: from [83.138.172.72]
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2008
Subject: Urgent Response

Dear brother mark.
What happening Mr.lemo emailed me that he never hear from you since why.
And you can even tell me what going on with and him.
Thanks.
Garry
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2008
To: tunde lemo <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>

Dear Mr Lemon

I have spoken to our finance people and we await your pro forma so that instructions can be made to our bank to wire the money to you. Please dont delay as I think that Gary has little time left in this world.
You must attend to this urgently. Please send me the documents or you can send them to our head of finances, Peter ( peter_stuartsonson@yahoo.co.uk) who will attend to them post haste.
We pray that Gary is able to last for the remaining few days of this transaction and we know that you will not delay and let down a dying man
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2008
To: garrybooker75@yahoo.com

Dear Garry

I have contacted Mr Lemon at the bank and instructed him on the actions to take. Sister Ann Eurism had a brainstorm and we have begun a fund raiser for you to go towards your hospital expenses and to make a donation in your name to the hospital. Can you find out which doctor we should be contacting with regards to this. I know that time is short and that we will not fail you.

Dr Hfuhruhurr our local specialist is also happy to fly out to your hospital, at our expense of course, to liase with your Dr so it would be most helpful if you can provide his details
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2008
To: garrybooker75@yahoo.com

Dear Gary

He emailed me on Saturday afternoon which we received Sunday (that was only yesterday!!!), I responded to him today? By the power of spark plugs you don't hang around with your chasing demands.
It is becoming rather tiresome that you seem to be unable to wait any reasonable time. You must appreciate that there is a time difference between us and regardless of how serious your condition is, we are unable to change that.
Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.230]
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2008

Dear brother.
I receive your mail and am very
glad.
Here is the doctor information. Name Chris uba
Email address drchrisuba2002@yahoo.com
Telephone 234-8050635247
Try to contact him and ask him about the hospital charges.
But what you should is to make sure you conclude with Mr. tunde lemon please so that before I die you can receive this fund.
Am just managing to writ do to the assistant of a nurse here, the lady is trying for me since am here you also put her in prayer so that God we continue blessing her for me and you people who are helping me and your members in your church.
Thanks
Garry
Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.230]
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2008
Subject: Urgent Response

Dear brother
. Have you hear from Mr. Lemon and please you should remember what I told you.
As I say before I do not want this please to share my money there selfŐs work my money and no body we tell me how to do it, if not my situation I think all that will go around but I cannot question God that life for every one of us.
Please do every thing humanly possible to make sure this people transfer this fund into so that even Dow if I die today I we know that my money is using for God work as I promise him before my bad situation and I know you will do all this things if I die today and that is my happens that my money is transferring to man of God account.
Have you be able to get itch with Doctor Chris uba
Wait to hear from you
Garry
Tunde Lemo
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2008

Mark Knopfler,

Your message hereby acknowledged. Could you please confirm your receiving bank account co-ordinates where the funds will be wired into. Bank Account#,Bank Name:,SWIFT,IBAN,ROUTING#,Beneficiary's Name:

Lastly, Your bank contact informations as well and the contact person .

Mr.Tunde Lemo.
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2008
To: tunde lemo <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>

Dear Mr Lemon

We are awaiting the pro forma invoice from you. Once we receive that we can make the payment you request and all this information will be supplied to you along with the remittance. Time is running out on this. I am sure that Mr Brokkey is on his last legs. His last email to me made me think that he is not long for this world so dont hang about old chap and get me the pro forma as soon as possible.
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2008
Subject: Ref Garry Brooket
To: drchrisuba2002@yahoo.com

Dear Dr Uba

I have been conversing with Garry for some time and I understand he is on his last legs and shortly to depart this world. The Church of the Sultans of Swing would like to make a contribution to your good selves for his treatment and to allow you to buy the things that you really need. Probably about $50,000 if thats acceptable to you.
Please can you tell us the exact nature of Gary's condition as medical donations from our order are quite strict and we need to have as much information as possible. Its purely a formality really. Yesterday we all said prayers for him. This was led by Sister Ann Eurism who prayed for his easy transition into the afterlife. Perhaps you could copy our medical doctor on your reply Dr_will_seeyounow@xxxxx.xxx.xx as none of the medical terms will mean anything to me Im sure.

I thank you in advance for your time which I am sure is as precious as custard is

Remain Blessed and Swinging

Brother Mark Knopfler
Church of the Sultans of Swing
Visit our Resort
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2008
To: garrybooker75@yahoo.com

Dear Garry

You are once again, faster to chase me following a mail than a fanny rat at a fanny rats conference featuring a fanny rats favourite fanny. I have emailed Mr Lemon as he is still to provide us with a pro forma invoice so that we can make the payment he is requiring. Perhaps you can chivvy him up a bit. He is quite sharp and I know that time is running out quicker than a fox being chased by a herd of wildebeests on the plains of the Serengeti. I would hate to be so close to getting you whats deserved to have it pulled from underneath me like a carpet made of custard.

I have also emailed your Dr. Ubo and so am waiting for some information from him and have asked him to contact our medical doctor, Dr Will Seeyounow to discuss the medical stuff. I am not medical and wouldn't have a scooby what they were talking about.
Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.230]
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2008
Subject: Urgent Response

brother mark.
i receive your mail and i was very happy God bless you?

[Think they are getting fed up with the Brother now...]

Garry Booker
Received: from [212.100.250.230]
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2008

brother mark .

have you hear from mr chris uba.
Tunde Lemo
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 2008

stop fooling your self.

[He is DEFO on the beers..!!]

Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2008
To: tunde lemo <unoinbankplcnge@gmail.com>

I think you have been on the drink again. I shall speak to Garry
Brother Mark Knopfler
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2008
To: garrybooker75@yahoo.com

Dear Garry

I have not heard from Dr Uba but I have had another extremely odd mail from your Mr Lemon chap. He really is most odd. We are waiting to pay the fund for the release of the documents but need a proforma invoice to draw the money against and Mr Lemon is being most obtructive and seriously trying to skupper the plan I fear. I strongly suggest that you look for a different man to manage your affairs as the way he is acting is likely to put your whole plan in jeopardy and fail to complete before you toddle off this mortal coil and stop pining for the Fjords. Perhaps I can suggest one of my colleagues from the finance department. They are all fully qualified and can expedite this asap for us all.

[ More to come? "Remain scamomungous" sez Brother Mark!]

 

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