CAMMY AND THE BAD SAMARITAN: or I AM IN THE LONELY WORLD RIGHT NOW

CAMMY WHITE is a compadre of ELIZA DANE and MAL REYNOLDS. She bears an astonishing resemblance to Sophie Monk, and has masterminded many scambaits, most recently THE HISTORY OF MR FOLLY. Here she fends off a contract killer - AND the scammer who steps in to "help" her. [For another brilliant take on this, see Lewis D. "Lewd" Noogie in DON'T FALSE ME TO DO STUPID THING TO YOU.]

A Lad thinks up a new slant on the hitman scam - only for things to fall apart as he tries to play the hero looking after his sick mother.

THE SCAMMER(S)
The Hitman - he isn't be around for long
Jake - the hero! Or maybe not...
"igboeli kingsley chekwube" - his WU identity

THE BAITER
Camille White, vain photomodel who worships the Aesir
"osinor akhigbe boswell", fake Lad who chops Jake's dollar - the last name has been changed to protect a modality devised by a 419 Eater personality

We open with the hitman script; bog-standard boilerplate.


THE HITMAN

01 July 2009

ATTN.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY ,THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN CONTACT YOU, my TEAM HAS BEEN PAID TO ASSASINATE YOU, I HAVE EVERY REASON TO CARRY OUT THE CONTRACT,BUT I DECIDED TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE AND SAVE YOUR FAMILY THIS PAIN,THIS YOUR ALTERNATIVE,I WISH TO HELP YOU UNLESS YOU DONT WANT TO HELP YOUR SELF,I WILL SEND YOU ENOUGH EVIDENCE YOU NEED ON A VIDEO TAPE RECORD TO NAIL MY EMPLOYER DOWN WITH THE LAW. BEFORE THAT YOUR REQUIRED TO MAKE AVAILABLE THE SUM OF $100,000. USD AFTER WHICH I WILL DIRECT YOU ON WHAT TO DO NEXT TO SAVE YOUR SELF AND YOUR FAMILY FROM THIS PAIN THAT WOULD HAVE BEFALLED YOU FROM MY EMPLOYER,THE MONEY WILL BE USED TO SETTLE THE TEAM MEN INVOLVED TO GO BACK TO THERE DESTINATIONS AND YOU BETTER KEEP THIS INFORMATION TO YOUR SELF BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHO IS WHO WHERE YOU ARE NOW,IF HE FINDS OUT I HAVE BETRAYED HIM TRYING TO HELP YOU,YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SELF TO BLAME, I HAVE ORDERED MY MEN TO SATY AWAY FROM YOU.
DO WE HAVE A DEAL OR NOT ?
NOTE: YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS HERE, (1)YOU HAVE TO GET HIM ARRESTED WITH THE INFORMATION I WILL GIVE YOU AFTER THE PAYMENT OR ( 2)YOU HAVE HIM KILLED TO SAVE YOUR SELF.
I WILL VISIT YOUR HOUSE AGAIN BUT NOT NOW,MY BOYS EYES ARE ON YOU SO GET BACK TO ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

[I don't have much patience for hitman scripts, so I sent my usual scornful reply. "I hate what we did" is a reference to I WANT BOTH OF US TO BE VICTORIOUS, an Eliza Dane bait.]


Camille White

Brett, This is so not funny - for fuck's sake stop playing Hitman, and stop thinking we'll ever be together again. It's over, and I hate what we did! Cammy

[But then the Lad bowls me a googly (or sends down a curve ball, depending on whether you play cricket or baseball).]


Jake

Thursday, 2 July, 2009, 9:56 AM

Hello.
please be carefull and pay no money to anybody, i am aware somebody is threatening to kill you, that is a clear lies and scam, am cleaner by profession and a poor young man,i believe things will change for me one day, i came to read about michael jackson"s death in the internet business centre, and i saw an opened notepad,i saw about more than 39 different email address with a threat later and killing words below it,in which your email is included, believe me ,no body wants you dead, the person that did this is a scammer,i have informed others, ok ? he/she must have made the graetest mistake to forget closing the note pad well, please do not be afraid again and be as happy as you used to be before, feel free and go
any were you want, ok?,do not listen to any word he says to you, let him know you have found out he is no body.
take care of your self and your family and reply back to me.
be my good friend.
bye

[OK, this is different, and there's even a chance it could be an actual do-gooder, so...]


Camille White

Jake,
Um - thanx. I thought this was a joke, but now I find out it's a scam of some sort.
Wow. Just wow.
Be blessed.
Camille White

[Damn, it's just another Lad...]


Jake

3 July 2009

good day my good friend.
i am glad you are well relief of the tension mounted on you by that thief claiming to be an assasine, please sir,as you know i am no body and nothing but a cleaner, please can you be of help to me financialy nomatter how little, so that i can change the cleaning work am doing and get a better job for my self,i believe you can be of help.
please reply to me, thanks and remain blessed

Let's see where this can go... I send him a picture of Sophie Monk.


Camille White

Hello Jake,
You've got me curious now. Where are you? I also hope that maggot scammer won't find out what you did! I haven't heard from him since, so maybe he knows someone's blabbed. Maybe you should keep your head down!
Since you helped me, here's something on account - a picture from a photoshoot last year on Bondi Beach. It's AJ's favourite.
Please let me know that you're OK.
And call me Cammy - all my friends do.
Cammy

[ Beg away, Lad, though praising Cammy's beauty is always appreciated (she's extremely vain, you see...) ]


Jake

4 July 2009

Good day my good friend Cammy.
please see me as if am part of your family and loved one that is in nigeria, i am glad you are well relief of the tension mounted on you by that thief claiming to be an assasine, please beauty,as you know i am no body and nothing but a young man doing a cleanning work, please can you be of help to me financialy nomatter how little, so that i can change the cleaning work am doing and get a better better business for my self,i believe you can be of help.
i musy memtion that you are very beautifull, how i wish i am upto a person you can call your man. please reply to me, thanks and remain blessed.

If he loves Cammy he can prove it by being patient...


Camille White

Jake,
I really want to know more about you.
Someone who saves you (and others) from being ripped off deserves something special and sending it to a name alone isn't the same. Please send me a picture of yourself and what you do, what you like and dislike, that sort of thing.
I feel in my heart that Freyja would bless us for that, and I follow what She puts in my heart.
Love,
Cammy

[OK, fine, but "black eyes bolls" is something I associate with the Grey aliens.]


Jake

8 July 2009

cammy.
i do not have any picture in the internet for now,ok? i want to be with you and love you you, i needed some one like you to keep inheart and cherish, but am poor,i want you to change my life and make me reach the level of the man you want, you are a very beautifull young girl, am good looking and tall, black hair and a little fair skin,atiletic stature and slim line body and black eye bolls, cammy, please permit me to love you and i will make you happy, if its will of destiny that i will be with you, then it will cometo pass,ok? you are a good person and you deserve to be loved.
i await your reply.


Camille White

Jake,
For now I don't care if you're poor - what's important is that you have a good heart (although it's a bonus if you're good looking - Freyja looks most kindly on those who are beautiful).
I'm going to raise my spirit before Freyja tonight as it's Her sacred day today and seek Her blessing upon us. It would really help if I had a picture of you as I need a clear image in my mind for Her blessing. But She is understanding, and I hope She will smile upon you.
I'm going on a photoshoot over the weekend - I'll be thinking of you.
Cammy.

[No way he can be patient...]


Jake

10 July 2009

Dear queen of my heart.
you are realy an ocean of love and harmless passion, when i read your email i feel as if am hearing your voice, you are as sweet as honey,am goog looking to my self, you will comfirm my looks for yourself when destiny brings us together, i have never sent my picture to any body over the internet before, but in this case, i will try an take a good picture photograph of myself one of these days and send it to you.
camille, i need money, i realy need some money to put something right around me, i do not know why am free to you to request of money from you,but i just have a feeling as if i have known you for long, i will love you with my heart, and i believe and sence you are the loving type, your looks in the picture you sent me is sovery lovely.
i will like to hear from you soon to know if there is any thing you can do for me about my financial situation now,ok?
i love you.
jake.


Camille White

Jake,
I haven't forgotten you - honestly!
The photoshoot stretched out well past Sunday and there wasn't an internet connection at the lodge I could use.
You said, "i realy need some money to put something right around me" - are you in trouble?
Cammy


Jake

15 July 2009

Dear love.
i am not in any trouble, i just need some money to solve a little problems i have, some domestic problems.
i love you and i will always do.
i await your reply.


Camille White

Jake,
I've met people with "little domestic problems" - and they weren't quite telling me the truth.
Without truth there's no trust and no relationship can survive without trust. You have to tell me exactly what the problems are, and don't hold back.
And send me that picture before tomorrow. When I raise my spirit to Freyja, I want Her to see you as you truly are.
Cammy

[No picture arrived, but he sent an e-card... what a let-down!]

[Omitted to avoid copyright issues - if we could find the artist's web site, we'd just link to it.
It's a white, blue-eyed kitteh among tulips. How sweet.]


Camille White

Jake,
That was a lovely card - very cute kitteh - but I thought I'd get a picture by now. Please do that for me. Here's another for you - me thinking of you.
Be blessed,
Cammy


Jake

24 July 2009

Dear love.
you are so very much lovely looking and romantic, i will try and send you one of my pictures one of these days,ok?
i need some money camille,but you are doing nothing about it, you ask me questions saying people do lie that they have domestic problems in other to collect money, do you think am such people, i am jake and am not them, i need your financial assistance my love.
my mum is sick.
yours love,jake.
reply.

[He's going to tell me, even if I have to think up something horrible...]


Camille White

Jake,
When someone asks for money and won't say exactly what it's for, I remember the times when I've lent people money for the wrong reasons. I've had a flatmate ask for a loan and it turned out she was buying drugs. I've known people who just gambled it all away, or worse.
Back when I was 17, I fell in with Robbo, ten years older and good company - so I thought. Told me how great we were together and how he loved me. But seems he got ill, and I had to tide him over. Turns out the medicine he was taking came in shot glasses, and the rest of my money went into the pokies.
It ended when Robbo got shitty after I found out he was gambling my money away. We had a fight in my flat. He smacked me around and emptied my purse and was just walking out when my brother Roscoe, on leave, walked up to the front door.
Roscoe took one look at me standing there with a blood nose and black eye, and then somehow he broke both Robbo's wrists - some SAS trick he said. He kicked Robbo into the street and I never saw that loser again.
Until you tell me exactly what your problem is, then I'm not ready to send you any money. It's as simple as that.
Cammy


Jake

26 July 2009

dear love.
with what you have known about me so far,you can atlist be sure of me that i do not tell lies, my mum is sick and now i have spent my last money,i cant afford the hospital bills again, she is all i have my dear,ifany thing happens to her i will be an ophan, please my love,i understand all you explained to me, now you have known what i need the money for, i have to take her pack to the hospital to complete her medications.
i love camille and you are beautifull.
yours jake.


Camille White

Jake,
You may not lie but you sure as fuck leave things out.
So your mum's sickness is "a small domestic problem"?
Fuck me!
Cammy


Jake

26 July 2009

DEAR FRIEND.
SOMETIMES SOME THINGS ARE LEFT UNTOLD, I KNOW THE KIND OF PERSON AND THE KIND OF HEART I HAVE, I KNOW A HELP WILL COME TO ME IN ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
TAKE CARE AND THANKS FOR MOCKING ME.


Camille White

Jake,
What the fuck is wrong with you? By Hel's frozen teeth - if my mum was still alive and very sick, and needed help, I wouldn't feel any shame about asking for that help!
Maybe it's a cultural thing; I just don't understand it when you can't come clean about your mum being sick.
Cammy


Jake

27 July 2009

Dear .
am sorry,i do not know your mother was late, my sympaty,ok? am sorry for my mode of approach,now i have explained why i need the money, would you be ofhelp tome?
yours jake.


Camille White

Jake,
Praise Freyja! We have understanding.
Now what can I do?
Love and Peace,
Cammy

Payday! The Lad must be salivating.


Jake

27 July 2009

Dear camille.
thanks for your understanding and may freyja bless you, you can send me the money through money gramm or western union money transfer, using the below name,
Name: igboeli kingsley chekwube
address: anambra nigeria
country: nigeria
my friend has a drivers licence we can use to collect the money,that is why i have to use his name, please send a scanned copy of the payment reciept/slip so that i can use the informations on it to claim the money..
send any amount you can afford,ok?
remain blessed.
yours love,jake.

[It's chopping time!
I've used this modality a few times, and it's simply and effective.
When I hit reply, I replace the receiver name with another... and then sit back and wait for the Lad to panic.]


Camille White

Jake,
I got to Moneygram today - maxed out my credit card - $2500 (Australian that is; probably just over $US2000) is ready for you.
Tell your friend to pick it up right away... and I hope you can trust him!
I'm glad you trust Freyja. Don't forget that picture now!
Give your mum an extra hug from me.
Love and Peace,
Cammy

Dear camille.
thanks for your understanding and may freyja bless you, you can send me the money through money gramm or western union money transfer, using the below name,
Name: osinor akhigbe boswell
address: lagos nigeria
country: nigeria
my friend has a drivers licence we can use to collect the money,that is why i have to use his name, please send a scanned copy of the payment reciept/slip so that i can use the informations on it to claim the money..
send any amount you can afford,ok?
remain blessed.
yours love,jake

Indeed he does!


Jake

28 July 2009

Dear love.
please there is a very big problem here, i saw another email here that i did not send to you asking you to send money to them with the below statement

Dear camille.
thanks for your understanding and may freyja bless you, you can send me the money through money gramm or western union money transfer, using the below name,
wrong information
Name: osinor akhigbe boswell
address: lagos nigeria
country: nigeria

i am not the person that sent the above message to you, i gave you the below information for the payment.
right information
Name: igboeli kingsley chekwube
Address: anambra state nigeria
Country: nigeria

please, i believe you do not use the information on the red words above because they hacked into my email box and i do not know how, please if you used the one i gave you as listen in above, please kindly send me a scanned coppy of the payment slip to use the information inside to claim the money you said you send to me, please.
thank you my dear.
jake.

It can be used for more than just chopping, as you'll see.


Camille White

What the fuck is going on and what the fuck is "ashawo"? Are you on drugs? IS THAT WHERE MY MONEY WENT?

Dear love.
please there is a very big problem here, i spend your money on ashawo, i am haveing so muh fun hear,
please send more money
i love you please.
thank you my dear.
jake

[Let Jake explain about "ashawo". At other times Lads who've been chopped have begged/ordered me to change my password or even open a new account; but this Lad believes that he alone got hacked.]


Jake

30 July 2009

My love.
its me jake,as you are reading this message,there is tears in my eyes and i hate my self for not being carefull, i am now contacting you with my new email address, the thiefs in the internet business house i used to email you has hacked my email box and stole the money you sent to me, those email you recieved that has the word (ashawo) meaning harlot, the email is not from me, the hacked my box and had access to my email box and emailed you all those words, asking you to send more money, please donot email me to that email box again ,am now using this box am emailing you with now.
i appriciate the your effort and the love you showed by sending thatmoney they stole from me, i told my mother every thing and explained to her, she sends her greetings to you with tears in her eyes too.
please forgive me carelessness, am a fool and i deserve to be called any bad name, please forgive me camille. i await your reply


Camille White

Oh fuck - it's that asshole who threatened me - he knows who you are! Get out of there and hide. Warn your mother.
Oh fuck, this is a real Charlie Foxtrot!


Jake

30 July 2009

My daer
what do you want me to do, my mother is sick and i have no money on me, please help me camille, i dont know how he found me, am now on the run since i finished reading your email,i am confused, i am no more using the internet house that made them find me, am a bit far from there, but i have my mother still at home, please my friend, i believe they do not know about this new email you are contacting me with.
the best you could do for me is to help me out financiary one more time so that i can move afar from that neighbour hood, please my dear help.
you can use this name.
Name: IGBOELI KINGSLEY CHEKWUBE
Address: anambra state nigeria.
thanks for warnning me and please be praying for me.
yours love, jake


Camille White

Jake,
Sending that money just about wiped me out. Until we get our agency cheques (and I can't predict when that'll be) I'm about done. I can't get anything from the joint account without AJ's approval and he's not going to like me sending money to another man. This is so fucked. You helped me and look what happened to you! Why did your Wyrd treat you like this?
Cammy


Jake

31 July 2009

Dear camille.
i am in the lonely world right now, i dont know why all these is happening to me at thesame time, they better take me than touching my sick mother, i am just confused on what to do, i will be an evil man to see such a fulse lies they do, telling people they are paid to kill,with out exposing them, if i have a chance to expose them again,i will do it again ,again and again. my dear, i do not want to put you in trouble with your friend because i needed money, all i need is a little amount, nomatter how small it might be, even if it is 500 or any amount, i just want to relocate for the time been.
yours jake


Camille White

Jake,
Just let's both take a chill pill. This asshole's not a real hitman so he won't be hunting you down - you don't have to go on the run. He's just some dip-dick can't cunt no-load geek asshole (sorry for the language but I picked that one up from my brother). I shouldn't have panicked. I hope all this didn't harm your mother - you should get her back to the hospital.I'll do what I can when I can. I'd be insulting you if I sent pocket change and I wouldn't do that.
Just hang in there.
Cammy


Jake

1 August 2009

Dear my good friend camille.
what yu said was right, they were fake empty threators, trying to froud people using the internet, byt since they have found out i was the cause of there misfortune, they have become real to me because they are in out look for me, i hope you understand, i have explained to my mother what i did and the situation of things recently, she said what i did was right but what are my going to do now that they are looking for me? i was in short of words because i do not know what to answer her. she is not worried about her self but about me, i do not know why, there is nothing i can do than to wait as you said, if you have any thing available for me, please try and let me know.
As for my mother, i cant take her back to the hospital because those idiot have stolen the money you sent and i have none to take my beloved mother to hospital, i believe things will be well soon.
thanks.
yours jake.


Camille White

Jake,
There's no point in my sending you $50 or whatever - it's not going to get you both very far. If you can hold on (though to be honest I have no idea how long that'll be).
Just a thought - how many other people did you warn? Do you still have the address list? Maybe we could network to get you out of there!
Let me know ASAP.
Cammy


Jake

2 August, 2009, 12:24 PM
i have deleted all there contacts in my email box, i can relocate to our neighbouring country ghana, but am not financialy ok, it would have been better for me, how i wish i still have there contact.
please my dear, the only thing i need now is money, may be you should explain to any of your friends and see if they can help.
thank you

[Maybe Jake needs some more attention...]


Camille White

Jake,
I've been networking with some friends of mine - some I know, some cyber - and I think your Wyrd is about to change. Hang in there. And tell your Mum she's going to be well.
Cammy


Jake

10 August 2009

Dear camille.
how are you doing my dear? i just want to know you are allright, my mother is getting better, i borrowed some money to pay part of the bill accumulated for us in the hospital,i buy her some drugs for her to be taking till we can go back to the hospital. please reply me.
regards.
jake.


Camille White

Jake,
That's good news. You deserve so much better than what those fuckers did... I can get over what I lost; but it's just wrong what they did.
Things aren't looking too flash for me at the moment, but my networking has paid off. A couple of my friends from overseas are really keen to help. I'm going to give them your address and then all should be shiny. Any chance you could get your mum to write to me? I'd like that - I don't even remember mine; I was so young when she died.
Cammy


Jake

17 August 2009

Dear good friend camille.
i am still waiting to recieve any help you can offer me and my mum.
thank you


Camille White

Jake,
You haven't heard from Anna and Karen? This is just wrong! I'm going to give them a wake-up call.
Cammy

[Sadly, his new email box must have been shut down, because the two 419 Eater members I'd recruited had their messages bounce.
So it's good night from me... and farewell Jake!]


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