DAY OF THE CACKLE

or, I HATE TO BE DOUBTED ... another tale of intrigue from the genius behind such Eliza Dane adventures as STITCHING UP THE TAYLORS, DRESSED FOR SUCCESS and NUNU NO-NO.

In a plot that plays like The Day of the Jackal crossed with Cluedo, political assassins strike down a would-be governor of Lagos by stabbing and then strangulation...leaving his eldest son with a fortune in cash and nowhere to go. Who should he turn to for help but the beautiful (and suddenly mercenary) Eliza Dane?

The Scammer
Gbenga Williams (Jnr), "the eldest son of the slain PDP frontline aspirant for the Lagos Governor's office 2007."
Daniel Johnbull, Western Union contact

The Baiter
Eliza Dane, Australian photomodel and Odin-worshipper, with a really foul mouth - and an uncharacteristically amoral view of the world.

Western Union makes a surprisingly early appearance... and stays around! Here it comes...warming up...


Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

10 August 2006
Subject: VERY URGENT

Dear Friend,
With great regard and respect for you. I regret any initial embarrassment my letter might cause you as we have not had any correspondence before this time. My name is Gbenga Williams Jnr, the eldest son of the slain PDP frontline aspirant for the Lagos Governor's office 2007. He was stabbed in several places in the chest region by yet to be identified persons on Thursday 28th July 2006.
It was believed that these assasins came on a tip off that my late dad was supposed to take delivary at his residence on that fateful Thursday his contract deal entitlement of US$65 Million Dollars in liquid cash which did not arrive until after the incidence.
I am contacting you in view of the fact that we will be of great assistance to each other. I currently have in my possession the said amount of Sixty-Five Million U.S Dollars (US$65 Million) cash which l intend to move out quickly to safety specifically in your country although not sure yet on what areas of business to invest it on. Please advise.
After my late dad was strangled to death, I have declared my father's bank bankrupt. There is no record of this money traceable by our Government or this assasins because no document exists showing that I received such money. However, due to the current situation in the country now regarding my late father's death within his political caucus and the entire political parties and recurrent insecurities over human lives, it has become quite impossible for me to make use of this money within. This informs my intention to transfer the money out of the country for investment. Please contact me as a matter of urgency to enable us discuss the transfer in details.
I need your co-operation in moving the money out of the country to any overseas country where we can both invest the money in any profitable business venture that you may suggest. I will keep 65% for the up-keep of the entire whole family and you will keep 30% of the US$65m if you provide the required assistance and co-operation needed to move this funds overseas and the rest 5% for offsetting minor expenses that may be incurred during the course of this transaction.
If you are interested, please contact me by return mail indicating your private telephone and fax numbers for further discussion. Please login to this website to find out about my late father's death news:
http://www.independentngonline.com/news/128/ARTICLE/7729/2006-07-28.html Sincerely,
Gbenga Williams (Jnr)



[Scam-o-note: on-line Nigerian newspapers like the above are interesting reading, not the least because of the political context they provide for all those scam-o-grams you receive. The first paragraph of the scammer's letter is pretty much a direct quote from the web page he cites.]

[Well, he provided a link to back up his story - too bad it also contained details that did it a lot of damage - more on that later... Let's get him on the hook!]

Eliza Dane

Mr Williams,
I'm not embarrassed, though I am concerned for you. The kind of men who would kill political figures might strike again, are you safe?
I'm not a business woman; I'm a photomodel, so investment ain't my bag.
Maybe I can help you though. Tell me more please.
Regards,
Eliza Dane



Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

12 August 2006
Subject: IN GOOD FAITH

Dear Mum,
Please permit me if I address you as mum in this mail cause you are a mum indeed to me. However, thanks for your mail and the kind interest, attention and Godly intention in stretching forth your two arms towards rescueing me out of this ugly situation that had befallen on me so sudden. let God of Abraham, Jacob and Issac blesses you and your house-hoild and save and guide you from an untimely death in the remains of your days here on earth, Amen.
Happy reading from you though very tired after dad's final burial ceremony yesterday in which the Government had earlier instructed that a state burial be given to him in his honor. This had led to my late mail to you today so pardon me.
Please kindly send me your private telephone number so we could talk secretly. My cell number is this: +234 802 804 2558 if you would call me.
Sincerely,
Gbenga Williams Jnr


[This bit threw me for a loop - calling a confessed photomodel "Mum" - perhaps he'd seen that film "Calendar Girls"? As often happens, the Lad throws in some religion. Not a good idea...]


[Let's get Eliza's religion firmly set out. I think it'll come in useful... Also, no phone number - have to get that in place early.]

Eliza Dane

Mr Williams,
Let's get a couple of things straight.
First off, I am not your "Mum". I'm 23 today (big party tonight with lots of friends). I don't know how old you are but I'm not going to be your "mother figure"! Secondly, don't quote the Bible at me, OK? I'm not a Christian; I worship the Aesir, the Gods of my Aryan ancestors.
I won't give you my phone number, as there's fuck all chance of talking undisturbed and unheard in the household, and every chance that someone else will answer the phone. Chances are they'll start asking questions if you ask to speak to me. My mobile is set to local only, so no chance with that. I'll try to call you when I can, but no guarantees.
The big thing is, are you safe? The guys who killed your Dad may have been arrested (if I got the article right), but they may have been the little fish. Watch your back.
Regards,
Eliza Dane



Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

12 August 2006
Subject: Re: IN GOOD FAITH

Good Eliza Dane,
I appreciate your corrections and your concern about my safety as I do receives dozens of threat e-mails from unknown people on a daily basis. I am just 26yrs old last week. Away from that, we have affinity with one of the Nigerian Embassy Senior Official there in your Country and he agreed to help us in the transfer so that we may use the diplomatic Channel to courier it into your country which offcourse will require your home address or any place (address) of your choice that you may feel safe for you to take delivary of this box of fund.
Just as I was writing you, my mum had a condolence call from him (the diplomat) and she had the previledge and opportunity to discuss this matter (our intention) with him in full but did not disclose what we had intended to transfer into your country as liquid cash for security reasons. Due to his diplomatic immune advantage we are very sure of the safety and guaranttee of the shipment to your residence. He had informed us that he will call to let us know on the possible arrangement that will be put in place to commence urgently the shipment as there is no point telling the detectives that had come around our residence about this issue. I will inform you on the latest development once everything is done and concluded on both side.
Please advise.
Send me your direct telephone contact.
Kindest regards,
Gbenga Williams Jnr



[Religion done...OK, let's establish Eliza as a party girl.]

Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
What a great party!
Actually it was two - one at my folks' place (excellent dinner, presents, quality time) and one at home, thirty or so of us - I think it must have looked like one of those rock videos full of beautiful people dancing (drinks, high-class munchies, lots of music and dancing) - and after all the guests had gone, AJ and I made love until sunrise. Being slightly tipsy really makes for quality sex...
Well, that's enough of that I guess - the question is, what do I do now? You'd better fill in the gaps. That talk about diplomats and so on isn't explaining anything.
Are you taking care about your safety? Is there a chance the assassins might be after you? I don't think they'd warn you, but you never know...
Oh, and something else; how did you choose me for this? I wouldn't have thought I'd have been on any lists of People Who Can Help You Move Money.
Regards,
Eliza Dane



[Damn it! Gbenga doesn't give two hoots about Eliza's lifestyle. What a wowser. BTW, what was so hard to understand?]

Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

14 August 2006
Subject: IN GOOD FAITH

Dear Eliza Dane,
I don't understand nor know what you are saying.
But whatever maybe the case, we only understand you only requested on what will be done next... However, we suggest strongly that moving this fund diplomatically to you there will be next option and better.
Please advise so we can go ahead to conclude on the initial arrangement with the diplomat at our High Commission there in your country
Reply urgently and advise.
Sincerely,
Mr. Gbenga Williams Jnr



Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
WTF?
Let's see...
I wrote about my birthday party and what a good time I'd had.
I asked what to do next with your business.
I asked if you were being careful about your safety.
I asked how you chose me to contact.
What the fuck was so hard to understand?
And then we've got your answer, which told me sweet fuck all and ends up asking for me to give you advice.
Are you absolutely sure you haven't been slugging down a few too many whiskies at (and since) the wake?
Eliza Dane



[And new the push for cash - certainly the fastest and most direct demand for a Western Union transfer in my experience.]

Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

14 August 2006

Subject: PROCEDURES
Dear Eliza Dane
In moving the fund diplomatically to you there in your country as stated by the Security Company Manager, he hinted in his conversation to me yesterday that the shipment bill will cost $6,250 and the diplomat charge fees of $13,500 which we are going to make payment to him tomorrow to commence urgent action.
Mum was at this evening rushed to the hospital after being attacked of a sudden heart problem (cardiac arrest) as a result of the stress and High Blood Pressure develope recently on my late fathers death.
Kindly forward by Western Union Money Transfer by tomorrow the shipment cost of $6,250 with the informations below:
Name: Daniel Johnbull
Destination: Lagos, Nigeria
Text Question: What For
Text Answer: Shipment Cost
Send the fees as soon as possible and transmit to me the Western Union money control number. Once the security company is in receipt of this, all necessary documentations including the Airway-bill, certificate of deposit and court covering paper (Change of Ownership) from our lawyer making you the bonafide owner of the box of fund.
Finally, send me your residential address where you wish this box of fund be delivered to you by the diplomat next week.
Thanks in hand.
Sincerely,
Gbenga Williams (Jnr)



[Eliza, not unnaturally, isn't biting!]

Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
Slow the fuck down!
I am not suddenly going to start throwing around money like it's confetti at some fucking wedding! Particularly not at some hint by some un-named Security Company Manager and some un-named diplomat. What the Hel costs over $6000 to ship to Australia? What the Hel is that diplomat charging over $13000 for?
The other thing is - what are we talking about shipping here? Are you seriously saying that $65 million is just going to appear on my fucking doorstep and no-one's going to ask any questions about it?
Please tell me there's more to it than that!
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. When I pray to Odin before the sacred oak tonight, I will call upon the Holy Mother Frigga to ease her heart and give her life.
Eliza Dane



Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

15 August 2006
Subject: URGENT

Dear Eliza Dane,
The cost is for the shipment fees to you there in Australia. This cost will be paid to the diplomat before moving the box of fund there. I want to tell you that there is no going to be any problem since the diplomat is diplomatic immune and no checking of what he is carrying will be checked by either the customs or he immegrations.
Please send the fees asap.
Sincerely,
Gbenga Willias Jnr



Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
I do not hand over ANYTHING just on words alone.
I especially don't hand over money to someone I've never heard of.
Is David Johnbull the diplomat? If he's carrying it as diplomatic luggage, why the fuck am I paying shipping costs?
Listen up. A short while ago I prayed again to Odin for wisdom, and the all-Father told me to be cautious and wise. When I hear that voice counselling prudence, I listen.
Before I do ANYTHING I want some reassurance. I want to see something that shows you exist, that the money exists, and that the diplomat, whoever he is, is a real person.
Eliza Dane



Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
What's happened? Are you OK?
Talk to me.
Eliza Dane



Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

17 August 2006
Subject: DEAR

Dear Dane,
I hate to be doubted.
Kindly co-operate and lets see what the future hold for us. I am still single and I most say this to you that I intend being into relatrionship with you while we seek for better investment opportunity with this fund.
Please send the fess tomorrow through Western Union money transfer. I will be waiting for the fees sent. I love you.
Sincerely,
Gbenga Williamd Jnr


["I intend being into relatrionship [sic] with you" - well, he can dream... After all that talk of money, the "I love you" is too much the afterthought!]


Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
Where to start?
It's not "Dear Dane". It's either "Dear Eliza", or "Dear Ms Dane". Hel, even the utilities can manage to call me "Ms Dane". If some faceless office desk-jockey can get it right, so can you. You hate to he doubted? Take it up with the all-Father. When he counsels caution, I listen. He is my guide in all things that matter.
You may be single, I may be single, but that means nothing. I have a long-term boyfriend. You obviously expect me to put out for you. Listen up; I ain't like that. You don't get your end in just by announcing it.
I think you've been coddled a bit, Gbenga.
Finally; remember that you contacted me. You don't have the right to demand anything from me and then sulk when I show a little reluctance.
Is your mother OK?
Eliza Dane.



Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

17 August 2006
Subject: REPLY URGENTLY

Dear Ms Eliza,
Thanks for your mail and the impression you had raised.
Please accept my apology. I MUST state to you that whatever you believe on and had told you to be caution is not being true on you simply because, I know I had the good intension of doing this fund transfer with you genuinely and offcourse in which funds really exist.
I only needed your financial assistance simply because I have put in all liqiuid cash I had into getting things done to this present state of affairs of which the only expenses needed is what I approached you for as the diplomatic transfer fees.
Please all I need you do is to say to me:
1. Are you really committed to assist me
2. Do you have the $6,500 needed for the Diplomatic TF
3. Do yuou believe in me.
Kindly reply to my above questions and let me know how we go ahead from there.
Sincerely,
Gbenga Williams Jnr


.[That ain't a real apology!]


[Eliza defends her religion with vigour!]

Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
Do NOT insult the all-Father Odin, the chief God above all the Gods of Asgard! I give him faith and he grants me wisdom. I am not talking about the prattle of some neighbour over the fence or the mindless waffle of some glossy magazine agony aunt! This is my God you're talking about! Show some respect!
OK, you ask if I trust you. The answer is yes... and no.
Gbenga, I know that a lot of what you said is a lie.
For starters, I know you're not the eldest son of Funsho Williams. Someone called Gbenga Williams Jnr would be the son of Gbenga Williams.
I also noticed you weren't at the funeral when you said you were.
One of the articles linked to the original article you sent named the children of Funsho Williams. They were Babatunde, Yemisi, Kunle and Muyiwa. You're not among them.
So, who are you? One of Funsho Williams' colleagues, cut adrift after he was shot? Or maybe even one of the shooters?
Either way, I don't really care.
There's some old Latin phrase that I don't exactly recall that translates as "Money doesn't smell". I don't care who you are. I care about the millions that are at stake here.
Do we move on and work out how we both benefit? Or are you going to keep up this rather shabby pretence?
Your call, Gbenga.
Choose wisely.
Eliza



[The Lad tries an inventive wriggle...]

Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

18 August 2006

Dear Ms Eliza,
I am his first son by his second wife.
By african tradition in Nigeria precisely, the son of the second wife do not appear on the burial day so get it right. I happened to be loved most by my late dad and that was how his fotune and all his assests majority of it are going to still be declared to my side soonest when the lawyer comes up with his WILL.
However, get serious as I am not joking. How do you want us to proceed?
Gbenga Williams Jnr



Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
Nice try, but like the Eskimo said to the refrigerator salesman, I ain't buying it.
You specifically said that you were "very tired after dad's final burial ceremony yesterday" - so are you now claiming that Funsho Williams was buried twice? And that still doesn't explain the name business, does it?
Don't keep up the pretence; get it out in the open.
I'm not going to yell for the cops. I don't care if you're the one that actually shot him or whether you're just skimming off his money. All I care about is the money. We can do this - but not while you maintain the lie.

Your call, Gbenga - what's it going to be? Eliza



[Three days pass... I send a Sophie Monk pic - one of her looking really delectable on a beach somewhere.]

Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
Come on now, don't get all huffy, I can help you.
Like I said, I don't care what you did to get the money. Bottom line is all that counts.
You said you loved me, was that for real?
Just so you know who you're talking to, here's a pic of me.
Let's see what we can do.
Eliza





Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

22 August 2006
Subject: SEND THE W.U. URGENTLY

Dear Eliza,

We do not need to be repeating one word everyday by day as if my probem had now turn to an home video where series of episode are aired.
You are quite aware of what is needed at this point is $6,500 to take care of the shipment cost to your residence there. Kindly send it through wetsern union money transfer system with the below information:
Name: Daniel Johnbull
Destination: Lagos-Nigeria
Text Question: What For
Text Answer: Shipment Cost
Once he shipment cost is sent by tomorrow morning, kindly transmit to me the W.U control number and do also furnish me with your home address where the box of fund will be delivered to you. May I bring it to your reminder again that we have sorted it out to part with you a ransome of 30% from the total amount of US$65m once you help us in the transfer and receipt of this fund there. Awaiting your positive action.
Sincerely,
Gbenga Williams Jnr


["[H]one video"? I think he means "soap opera".]


[Funsho Williams wasn't shot, he was stabbed. Let's see if the Lad puts me right...]

Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
Unless you come clean with me there's no deal. It's as simple as that.
I'm not going to fire off $6500 into the blue on your say-so until you square up to the truth. I don't work with a liar.
Tell me who you are really. Are you one of Funsho Williams' cronies? Or are you one of the killers, maybe even the prime shooter? Like I said before, it doesn't matter to me. What does matter is that we know exactly where we stand.
While you persist in this lie, I know I can't trust you.
Eliza



[The Lad tries some mock rage to force the issue.]

Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

23 August 2006
Subject: That is a very folloish question from you!

My Dear Eliza,
In as much that I am not all that so kin about your assistance cause another investor had signified his interest. I do not need to answer to such a babaric question of yours. You must be so wicked I suppose! Well and anyway, the ball is in your court because I am not forcing you into this transaction. Never!!
Sincerely,
Gbenga Williams Jnr



[Eliza returns fire...]

Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
I'M the wicked one? You either took part in the murder, or you're benefiting from it, and you have the fucking nerve to say I'M the wicked one?
Listen, buddy, I don't think you thought this through. There is no fucking way I'm going to throw cash at you when you keep on with this stupid lie.
I just want the truth from you - no more dodging and bluster.
There can only be trust when both sides show sincerity. I gave you a sign of that by sending you my picture.
Are you going to return the favour? Or is it just going to be another lie, and another?
Think it over.
Eliza



Eliza Dane

Hi Gbenga
Still holding out? I don't know why you're keeping up the pretence. I'm willing to help you, but only if you come clean.
You'll never find another - yeah, right - investor you can trust like me. You'll be disappointed.
Remember that when you're living on the street eating the crap from dustbins after you get royally ripped off!
Eliza
[A CONFESSION!]

Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

01 September 2006
Subject: YOU HAVE A POINT

Dear Eliza,
I think I may subscribe to your point here, You definately have a point! Really and for real, I am not his son but his uncle, he had kept this money with me for some while now and now he is dead. Security information reaching all members and siblings of his families is that all our private account will have to be accessed for security reasons. I have to tell you the truth that this is my fear and that was the reason why In told you that I am really desperate to get this fund out quickly to safety. Please heeeeeeelp ! !! !!!
Sincerely.
Gbenga Williams



[Anything else I can get from him?]

Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
Before we can do anything - is there any other part of what you said that isn't true? Gotta know now! Eliza Dane



Gbenga Williams (Jnr)

02 September 2006
Subject: MY PHOTOGRAPH

Dear Eliza Dane,
In sincerity and with full honesty, all that I have told you is the truth. I have attached below my passport photograph for your perusal.
Sincerely,
Gbega Williams


[He attaches a tiny picture that would be familiar to many seasoned baiters...good luck spotting it, though.]




[SLAP! Oh, and I attach the "passport pic" that is too good to be true.]

Eliza Dane

Gbenga,
First off, that photo ain't a photo, it's a fucking thumbnail!
Secondly, what sort of passport has that kind of photo on it? Mine is a head and shoulders shot - check it out - not some studio portrait with someone else.
Come on, Gbenga,
give me something to believe in here!
Eliza Dane




But that proved to be the end of it. Damn!
This is the text of the article linked to in the first email:

Funsho Williams, Lagos Guber Aspirant, Killed

Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) governorship aspirant in Lagos State, Funsho Williams, was on Thursday morning found dead in his Dolphine Estate residence. He was stabbed in several places in the chest region by yet to be identified persons. He was 57 years old.
Already investigation into the incident has commenced and Former Works Minister, Adeseye Ogunlewe, also a governorship aspirant,has been invited for questioning. He was picked up by men from the Zone Two command, Thursday night....

[ Independent NG Online web site has the rest of the article but it's not front page news any more and a search did not produce it. However, an article in This Day Online was accessible: http://www.thisdayonline.com/nview.php?id=54187. Regardless, this "Gbenga" is not the son of Funsho Williams. But you knew that.]


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