I AM NOT HEAR FOR A JOKE OK


From the archives comes an ELIZA DANE adventure, featuring a first-ever Lad literary reference to Catch-22 (possibly unintentional), and including the Passport of Shame.

Eliza's many exploits include YOUR ATTITUDE IS VERY BAD, WILL YOU EVERY FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE BE SERIOUS...?, and GREEN LETTER DAYS - A DRAMA IN TWO ACTS.

ELIZA has a close working relationship with MAL REYNOLDS (YOU ARE A GREAT PILOT, WE AIM TO MISBEHAVE, etc.), MICK TAYLOR (he of Wolf Creek) and NICK TAMAIRE.


The Scammers

Paul Godson, "solicitor at law and a Partner in Morgan, Lewis & Bockius LLP...personal attorney to Mr. Douglas,an American who used to work with SHELL"
Joyce Dike, of Natwest Bank - her name prompted some wise-ass asides
David Mark, WU persona
Milo Minderbinder, WU persona, named after a character in Catch-22; bearer of the appalling ID.

The Baiter

Eliza Dane, short-tempered Odin-worshipping photomodel from Sydney
Ross Dane, her protective older brother, and a Captain in the Special Air Services Regiment
Freyja, Odin, Skadhi and Tyr - deities of the Norse pantheon, invoked by Eliza AJ, Eliza's boyfriend


So...

Paul Godson
Dear
I am Barrister paul godson , a Oil Producing Company in Britain; Hereinafter shall be referred to as my client.
On the 21st of April 2004, my client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives. Since then I have made several inquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my client's extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the fund valued at US$28.5 million left behind by my client before it gets Confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge amount were deposited. The said bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days.
For the fact that I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over one year now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Thereafter, I propose that the funds will be shared in the following ratio: 50% for me, 40% for you while 10% will be earmarked for miscellaneous expenses by both parties. I shall ensure that all relevant information and legal documents that may be needed to actualize this transaction is provided. All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee you that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Best Regard.
Barrister paul godson. Morgan, Lewis & Bockius LLP
London, U.K.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
I don't know why I got this. Did you mean it for me?
Regards,
Eliza Dane

I've rarely encountered a Lad who didn't seem to greet any reply as enthusiastic approval. Obviously their scripts allow for nothing else.

Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane ,
I write to appreciate and thank you for the favorable consideration given to my business proposal. I believe that with mutual co-operation and assistance, the business shall come to a successful conclusion.
PRINCIPLES OF BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP
Before I proceed, I want to inform you that the success of this business will be based on the following principles:
1. Trust and Sincerity: The fact that I do not know you from Adam, and yet decided to make this proposal to you due to the urgency of this transation as such I have faith in you and your ability to deliver. I therefore expect you to reciprocate this gesture by being sincere and honest with me. I need your assurance that you will not run away with my share of the business when the funds are finally in your custody.
2. Confidentiality: Because of the nature and origin of this business, you and I need to be discrete, secret and confidential in handling it. Note that I shall be presenting you as the rightful next of kin of my late client to his bankers when you are not entails that the two of us should be very discrete in order to protect ourselves. I will therefore request that the two of us keep this business to ourselves only, until it is concluded in other not to make it known to parties that could jeopardize it.
3. Mutual Co-operation and Assistance:- Our coming together in this business is for our mutual benefit. It therefore pre-supposes that we need to give each other mutual co-operation and assistance whenever the need arises. The assistance / co-operation should always be on time in other to get the desired result. These are the three basic principles upon which we should build this business for a guaranteed success.
PROCEDURE The procedure of this business entails that I will inform my late clients bankers, BANK , that I have finally found the rightful next of kin* to my late client. I will then present your name and contacts to them. The bank will then get in touch with you for confirmation. The bank will also demand some legal documents from you as a proof and back up for the claims. I will assist and provide the required documents and legal back ups. After verification and approval of the proofs and legal documents by the bank**, the bank will then remit the funds left in the account of my late client to you as his nearest next of kin.
REQUIREMENTS The information I will require from you to commence or start the business is as follows:
1. Your Full Names and Address.
2. Details of your Bank Account where the funds shall be remitted into after approval by the bank.
3. Your Private / Confidential Telephone and Fax Numbers to enable me communicate more effectively with you.
As soon as I receive the above information, I shall use the information in filing an application with my late client bank. The bank will then contact you and the processing of the claims will commence as explained earlier. If there are further clarifications you want me to make regarding this business, feel free to ask me either by mail or when we discuss on phone.
Furthermore,note that this transaction is 100% risk free and you are not going to be catched up by any breach of the law,so feel free and follow my instructions to enable us conclude immediately.
Note,that we have 7 banking working days to complete this transaction . I look forward to a successful business relationship with you.
Best Regards.
Paul.

[*, **] Your basic Dead Bank Customer Memorial Letter. Those "legal documents" will cost you. There is no inheritance. If this is not clear, please read the main page thoroughly. Yes, this will be on the quiz.

Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
Before we go any further I want to know more about this dead guy Mr Douglas and where he got his money from.
You can't be too careful - particularly as I don't know you from a hole in the ground.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane ,
Thank you so much for your prompt reply.I am not suprised at your skepticism as a transaction of such magnitude to one you have not seen before will make the person so worried.
I urge you to relax and you should not bother yourself as far as this transaction is concerned, Like my letter to you reads, I am the personal attorney to Mr. Douglas Dane,until his death,
You have to understand that I have searched for my deceased client relatives based on the information contained in his file, but I have come to a conclusion that he has no existing relative and next of kin.As the personal and the only attorney, I cannot claim this funds on my own without getting someone who has the same last name whom I have to present to the bank for the next of kin to enable them release the fund to you as the bonafide beneficiary and next of kin. You have to bear in mind that, you need not to relate with Mr. Douglas Dane,to have this fund release to you As a lawyer, I am here to front you, direct you and instruct the bank to release the fund to you believing that you are the bonafide beneficiary. Information about me is what you will know as soon as we progress.
My contacts are as follows: Name: Barrister Paul Godson. LLM,LLD,Dipl.Admin.
Address:Principal Partner Godson a solicitor at law and a Partner in Morgan, Lewis & Bockius LLP
Marital Status: Married with 3 children(1 boy and 2 girls)
I would like you understand that my late client Mr. Douglas Dane an American used to work with SHELL Oil Producing Company in Britain that is where he made his money. However, I will like you to feel very free to ask me questions one by one where you are not clear so that I can respond to that.
But by this mail I have sent to you now, I am given you the assurance that there is no problems whatsoever that is associated with this transaction.
Your next mail is highly awaited.
Paul Godson (ESQ)
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
OK, as long as the money we're talking about isn't from drugs or anything like that, I'm cool. Now, the details you wanted...
1. Full Names and Address. Elizabeth Danielle Dane, of 35 Westmoreland Grove, Glebe, Sydney
2. Details of my Bank Account. I'll have to look them up; I'll get back to you on that.
3. Private / Confidential Telephone and Fax Numbers Here we have a problem. You were clear that no-one else should know about this - but I share a house with four other women, and two of them would be gold medal contenders if being a stickybeak was an Olympic sport. If I called you, or the other way around, it's a sure bet that one of them would be listening in. Also, I don't have a fax.
Just so you know; I'm 24, a photomodel, single but going steady.
Regards,
Eliza Dane

And here's another Lad staple - the Reversed Name. The formatting of the application is exactly as it was received.

Paul Godson
Dear Elizabeth Danielle Dane ,
Your mail contents has been read and understood.
I wish to reiterate my assurance to you that this transaction will be completed without any hitch if and only if the required informations and instruction will be surely adhered to. Thank you for your reply.
I have enclosed in this letter a text of application which you have to complete and send to the bank for onward approval and immediate transfer of the funds to you . If you have any question, please do not hesitate to ask.
You have to print it out, complete it and send by email to our bank email as follows email:
info_remdept@myway.com
Once sent, you should also send a copy to me for my perusal. Best of luck.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE APPLICATION ATTENTION MR JOHNSON MARK, THE DIRECTOR NATWESTBANK PLC Email: info_remdept@myway.com
Dear Sir,
FORMAL APPLICATION FOR CLAIM
I hereby apply putting claim in your bank for my consignment deposited on the 3rd of November 1999, by my late partner Mr. Douglas B. Dane , from USA one metallic trunk box valued as personal effects for safe keeping in your bank com pany.
Based on the mandate given to me by his sick attorney Paul Godson,I have now decided to apply for the release of the consignment to me.
I wish my consignment will be released to me as the bonafide beneficiary and for onward transfer to my receiving address as contained.
Name...................................................
Address.............................
City...............
Country................................................
Tele................................
Fax................
I hope this my late application will be granted for urgent attention . Thanking you for your anticipated co-operation.
Yours Faithfuly
Your Name...........................................
Sign...................................................

Eliza Dane

As per instructions

THE APPLICATION ATTENTION MR JOHNSON MARK, THE DIRECTOR NATWESTBANK PLC Email: info_remdept@myway.com
Dear Sir, FORMAL APPLICATION FOR CLAIM I hereby apply putting claim in your bank for my consignment deposited on the 3rd of November 1999, by my late partner Mr. Douglas B. Dane , from USA one metallic trunk box valued as personal effects for safe keeping in your bank com pany. Based on the mandate given to me by his sick attorney Paul Godson,I have now decided to apply for the release of the consignment to me.
I wish my consignment will be released to me as the bonafide beneficiary and for onward transfer to my receiving address as contained. Name................................................... Elizabeth Danielle Dane Address............................. 35 Westmoreland Grove, Glebe, Sydney City............... Sydney Country................................................ Australia I hope this my late application will be granted for urgent attention . Thanking you for your anticipated co-operation. Yours Faithfuly Your Name........................................... Eliza Dane Sign...................................................

Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane,
I have received a copy of the application which you sent the bank every thing is good.pls when ever the bank respond to you do notify me as to help you in any question or information which may reauired by the bank ok.
Thanks and i am waiting.
Paul.
Joyce Dike

Not only possessor of an odd name, but also an indifferent typist... And Eliza is not a Mrs!

ATTN:MRS ELIZABETH DANIE DANE,
RE: APPROVEL OF US$28.5MILLION UNITED STATED DOLLERS
AFTER THE CONSENSUS OF GENARAL OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF THIS HONOURABLE BANK TODAY, INFORMED ON JAN 21th ... .NOTE THAT AFTER METICULOUS EXAMINATION AND RESEARCH COMPLETE ON YOUR CLIAM AS NEXT OF THEPARENTS TO OUR LATE CUSTOMER, Mr. DOULAS DANE APPROVAL BY THIS IS UNANIMOUSLY PROVIDED TO YOU RECEIVED THE FUNDS (USD28.5MILLION UNITATED) AS NEXT OF BONAFIDA OF THE PARENTS. IN CONFORMITY WITH SUB-SECTION 45 OF THE SECTION 14 OF THE SUBJECTS FINANCIAL AND COMBINED UK ON WILLS AND LAWS Of IHERITANCE, YOU ARE ADVISED TO PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS FOLLOWS:
(1) A.Copy of death certificate
(2)Afidavite claim
(3) International passport or any identification
THE FUNDS WILL BE TRANSFER TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 48 HOUR OF THE SIGNING OF THE DOCUMENTS.
CONGRATULATION.
YOURS SINCERELY,
MRS.JOYCE DIKE SEC,
For the director. NATWESTBANK PLC

I couldn't resist doing something with the name...

Eliza Dane
Mrs Dike,
I've got onto my legal help to find what you need. I don't know how long he'll be.
BTW - it's "Ms", not "Mrs".
Regards,
Eliza Dane

PS Are you really...?
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
Here's what I got from the bank. I'll need your help here - I know what a death certificate is, but not an affidavite claim. Regards,
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson

Well, the money came about on schedule.

Dear Eliza Dane,
I have gone through the message sent to you by the bank,I really thank > God almighty that the bank finally approved the release of they said > USD28.5 Million to you.
However,the bank want you to sent to them a copy of the death certificate/ affidavite claim as the rightful next of kin to this fund.it is important you understand that i have the Death certificate with me here,but the affidavite claim will be secure from the supreme court here and all will be forward to the bank to enable them transfer this fund to you within 48 hours.
I just called the supreme court right now as to confirm how they will issue the affidavite claim in your name the court said it will cost you USD2,500.00 both the signing/stamping.so confirm this mail to enable me send to the name for you to pay them the fee to enable the court issue you the affidavite claim.
Thanks and i am waiting to hearing from you as soon as possible.
Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
That's all fine, but what is this affadavite anyway? I like to know what I'm paying for. Do you have an old one or maybe a sample that I can look at?
You might as well send me the Death certificate so that I can pass it on to the bank. We may as well get that one out of the way first.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane,
You miss understood me.I said the bank will receive the Affidavite of Claim before the will effect the transfer to you.
The Affidavite of claim is the legal document that proved you as the rightful bonafide next of kin to the estate of late Mr.Douglas B.Dane. The Affidavite will be secure from the court here in your name.so go ahead and make the payment with this information below.
HERE IS THE INFORMATION FOR YOU TO SEND THE USD2,500.00 TO THE COURT REGISTRY THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER:
NAME.....MR.DAVID MARK
COUNTRY...LONDON (UK)
AMOUNT.....USD2,500.00
QUESTION WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
ANSWER....DAVID
Forward the payment info control number to this box to enable me follow.You are expected to send the money today to enable us conclude with the bank.
Paul Godson.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
Well, duh - the way you wrote it I had no idea what you meant! At least now I understand. I'll go to the post office once it opens and send the moolah.
Just send the confirmation once you've got it and then get your ass moving on getting the Affidavite.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane,
Ok i am waiting to receive the payment information to enable us proceed to the court for the Affidavite of Claim.
Thanks and i am waiting.
Joyce Dike
ATTN:MRS ELIZABETH DANIE DANE,
RE: APPROVEL OF US$28.5MILLION UNITED STATED DOLLARS YOUR MAIL IS RECEIVED AND THE CONTENT WELL UNDERSTOOD.
IT IS IMPORTANT YOU HURRY UP SEND THE REQUIRED
(1) A.Copy of death certificate
(2)Afidavite claim
(3) International passport or any identification AS YOU PROMISED.
THE FUNDS WILL BE TRANSFER TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 48 HOUR OF THE > CONFIRMATION OF THE DOCUMENTS
CONGRATULATION.
YOURS SINCERELY,

MRS.JOYCE DIKE
SEC,
For the director. NATWESTBANK PLC

Hang on - when did I promise to send my passport?

Eliza Dane
Mrs Dike,
As I said before, its Ms Dane, NOT Mrs. And please don't tell me to hurry up - I can't just snap my fingers and make things happen, you know.
BTW - does this mean that you don't provide the Affidavite yourself? My lawyer's got me confused about that! Also - I never promised that I'd send you a copy of my passport, which is just a well, as I'm not allowed to.
Eliza Dane
Joyce Dike
ATTN:MS ELIZABETH DANIE DANE,
RE: APPROVEL OF US$28.5MILLION UNITED STATED DOLLERS
WE HAVE RECEIVED A COPY OF THE DEATH CERTIFICATE AND WAITING TO RECEIVE THE AFFIDAVITE OF CLAIM TO ENABLE US EFFECT THE TRANSFER WITHIN 48 HOUR OF THE CONFIRMATION OF THE DOCUMENTS. CONGRATULATION.
YOURS SINCERELY,

MRS.JOYCE DIKE SEC,
For the director. NATWESTBANK PLC
Eliza Dane
Mrs Dike,
There'll be a delay. I'll be in touch.
BTW - what about the ID issue? You never said.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane,
I am still waiting for the payment information to enable us conclude.
Thanks
Paul.

Time for the first monkey wrench - they must have been rubbing their hands in anticipation of a $2500 payday, and they get this!

Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
I'm afraid that you'll have to wait a couple of days - I got word this morning that my brother has just returned from overseas and I had to pack in a hurry.
I'm up country at the moment, and not a WU office within cooee.
I'll let you know when I can do it.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane,
I got your mail and the content well understood.
What you have to do now is to contact the bank and let them know when you will do it,so that they will know you did not just keep quite over it.knowing fully well that the only thing holding this transaction now is the Affidavite of claim.
Thanks and i am waiting to hearing from you as soon as you have contacted the bank.
Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
The bank can just fucking well wait! They're not in any tearing hurry to hand over the money, are they?
I'll send the money when I actually can, and nothing changes that.
Eliza Dane

Something not encountered outside the Muguverse - a bank that is enthusiastic, nay anxious to give away money.

Joyce Dike
ATTN:MS ELIZABETH DANIE DANE,
RE: APPROVEL OF US$28.5MILLION UNITED STATED DOLLERS
YOUR MAIL IS RECEIVED.IT IS IMPORTANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS INERITANCE FUND YOU DO NOT NEED TO DELAY MUCH. IT IS IMPORTANT YOU SEND A COPY OF YOUR ID CARD OR ANY THING THAT WILL PROVE YOUR PHOTO AND WAITING TO RECEIVE THE AFFIDAVITE OF CLAIM TO ENABLE US EFFECT THE TRANSFER WITHIN 48 HOUR OF THE CONFIRMATION OF THE DOCUMENTS. CONGRATULATION.
YOURS SINCERELY,
MRS.JOYCE DIKE SEC,
For the director. NATWESTBANK PLC
Eliza Dane
Mrs Dike,
What sort of ID card do you mean? We don't have national ID cards, my career doesn't use them, and I don't know what else would be OK.
I didn't even know that this money existed until a little while ago, so it's not like I'm going to turn into a pumpkin waiting for it to show up!
Eliza Dane

So the situation was set up for an online chat... I removed the buzzes but all else is verbatim.

Eliza Dane (ED) chats with Paul Godson (PG).
He proved a bit reluctant at first:

ED: Do you want to talk now?
ED: If you want to talk to me, then answer me!
ED: Why did you send that message if you're ignoring me now? I'm not happy!
ED: I guess it wasn't that important then. Why the fuck did you send that message if you can't be bothered answering?
ED: Well, bye for now. We can do this later.
===============================================
PG: hello
PG: are u there?
PG: hello am here now
ED: So am I.
ED: Well?
ED: I don't have all night to do this you know.
===============================================
[Ah, there he is!]

ED: I know you're there...
PG: yes
ED: So, what do we talk about?
ED: Cat got your tongue?
ED: Holy Odin, this is supposed to be instant chat, not sitting around twiddling thumbs!
PG: so did you contact the bank?
ED: Of course. I sent you an email about it. Is this all you wanted to chat about?
PG: why are u sounding like that?
PG: what did the bank respond to you?
ED: They asked for ID but they weren't very clear so I asked them to spell it out.
PG: dont you have any ID?
ED: I have a passport but I can't copy that. I don't have a driver's licence (that's what boyfriends are for) and photomodels don't have work IDs. Australia doesn't have a national ID card (little Johnnie wanted one but he can't do squat about it now). What's left?
PG: are u there?
ED: Yep - go on!
PG: the issue of the id will not be the problem
PG: when do you think you will pay the money to the court for the documents
ED: Fuck knows. There's nowhere around here to send money from and I'll be up here for at least the next two days. I haven't seen Ross (that's my brother) for over a year - he's been on active service and we're glad he's back alive and in one piece!
PG: ok
PG: that 2 days is ok
ED: Oh yeah - while I think of it - what's the Affidavite look like? It must be something really special to cost 2500 bucks!
PG: it is only the court who has the right to issue
ED: Just something you said that I missed - if the issue of the ID ain't such a big deal then by Skadhi's bow why did the bank ask for some to start with?
PG: remember we are talking about huge amount of money it is not all that easy to release without all this prove
ED: OK - so why isn't it a problem any more? You're confusing me.
PG: the most important thing now is the affidavite which will be secure from the court it will be in your name
PG: the id is to compare the name with the application
PG: if really it is you
PG: but i can defend that ones the affidavite is there
ED: Who's going to fill it out? And just so I know - what's going to be on it about me? That's why I asked for an example so I could give you what you needed.
ED: But if you need the ID why say you don't need it? Freyja, soothe my aching head!
PG: i have your full name and address to fill up the affidavite
PG: the Affidavite of claim is the legal document that proved you as the rightful bonafide next of kin to the estate of late Mr.Douglas B.Dane
PG: But do you have the ID?
ED: Is there anything else apart from the bank account? He must have had a house and a car - and with that much cash, more than one!
ED: Why did you buzz me!? I'm still here, for fuck's sake!
ED: What ID? Tyr's hand, I told you there were problems and you didn't offer anything, did you?
PG: what the bank need from you is your account to transfer the money ones the affidavite is proviede if you have id fine but if you do not have let me know i will defend it OK
ED: How are you going to prove that I'm the one?
PG: I am a lawyer if you provide the affidavite i will defend the issue of the ID
ED: That's not going to be easy. Suppose they want to contact me? My folks and my friends know we've got no rellies in America and they'll say so - how do we keep this from them?
PG: are u there?
PG: hello
ED: Hey, I asked you the question first!
PG: what guestion
ED: About if the court wants to know more about me, duh-brain! What do you do then?
PG: are u there?
ED: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PG: ok
PG: i want to leave now
PG: so go ahead and contact the bank let them know you will provide them the affidavite in two days time
ED: Fine by me - AJ wants us to get to bed and he's talking about a blow job, and that's making me all hot.
ED: I told the bank there'll be delays, so calm down. Get yourself a blow job. AJ says it's very soothing.
ED: CYA

And there is...

PG: do you have any other question let me know before i go
ED: I thought you wanted to go but I got this ping.
PG: i want to be sure you are clear
ED: I want you to answer the question about the court asking questions about me and maybe wanting to talk to me - what are you going to do?
ED: Hurry up, AJ just called out, I can't keep him waiting too long!
ED: Fuck you! Just answer the question!
PG: are you telling me fuck?
ED: Well it got your attention! Now answer the fucking question! What will you do if the court wants to contact me?
PG: I here to as your lawyer what ever the court want they will ask me not you
ED: And if they want more info? What will you tell them?
PG: the anly info the want for the affidavite of claim is your full name and address
ED: Somehow I think that for 28 million they'll want a teensy bit more...
PG: it is the bank that is transfering the money that is why they required the affidavite you will pay the court and they will issue the affidavite and sign then i will sign on your behalf that is all
PG: then the transfer will be done
ED: For your sake, I hope so! Odin Alfador tells us to trust our instincts, and I have a feeling that this court business is going to cause me grief...
PG: no
PG: all the court required from you is to pay the fee usd2.500 and they will issue the affidavite
ED: I trust the Lord of the Aesir - His wisdom is true - you'd better walk carefully in this. Don't let me down!
PG: trust me all will be well
ED: Well, maybe. CYA
PG: as soon as you pay the fee to the court every is done so feel free
ED: CYA
PG: what do you meant by CYA,
ED: Fuck me - you don't know? CYA = See ya = goodbye, talk later!
PG: i don understand you
ED: Do you understand GOODBYE?
PG: why are you sounding this way?
PG: we never conclude
ED: BECAUSE I WANT TO GO AND HAVE SEX AND YOU WON'T STOP BUTTING IN!
PG: why do you tell me that?

I didn't reply as Eliza had other things to do...
I decided to call him up again:


ED: For your information; I had a really good time after we stopped chatting. I think AJ was all worked up by the delay!
ED: You called?
PG: no you never give me your number
PG: how are things?
ED: No, you duh-brain, called as in wanted to chat?
PG: okey
ED: Fine, go ahead!
PG: did you contact the bank as to know when you will provide the affidavite?
ED: I thought you wanted to chat, not go on about your business! Tyr's hand, you're so boring!
PG: the business is important then what ever you feel you want to chat ok
ED: Well, I can do fuck all about it now - the bank knows about the delay. So I thought I'd get to know you. Have you lived in London all your life?
PG: yes
ED: What do you like about it the most?
PG: are u married?
ED: Excuse me, answer my question first!
PG: I have alot of things to do now in the office as there is much people in my office
PG: i will get back to you latter ok
ED: OK! Then we'll answer our questions. Deal?
ED: I said; is that a deal?
PG: yes
ED: CYA

I can imagine my question about London must have thrown him, so he made an excuse and left.
And it continues...


PG: hello
PG: are u there?
ED: Yes I am.
PG: why keeping quite?
ED: True. Now, where were we yesterday?
PG: first of all,have you make the payment?
ED: Holy Odin... don't you ever relax, smell the roses, get your rocks off? Is it always business?
PG: Answer my question first have make the payment?
ED: You still owe me an answer from yesterday, remember?
PG: Is that yesterday question more important then this deal?
ED: You agreed to answer my question (about life in London) and I agreed to answer your question (if I'm married) . I asked if it was a deal, you said yes, and that means you gave your word! We of the Aesir keep our word... do you?
PG: ok
PG: what do you want to know about london?
ED: What's the best part of life in London? What's worth seeing? I mean to go there some day.
PG: Do you want to come to london?
ED: Eventually. That's not answering my question though, is it?
PG: all this question is not important for now,while there is huge amout waiting for us in the bank
PG: pls if you are not interested to receive this money notify me now as to look for another person

[This should not have come as a surprise...]

PG: I AM NOT HEAR FOR A JOKE OK
ED: Merciful Freyja! You agree to answer my question and then you just ignore it!
ED: I'm not joking either! What the fuck do you think this is, some sort of game? Like fuck it is!
PG: I BELIVED YOU MUST BE A JOKER
ED: O RLY? Care to explain why you think that?
PG: Are we talking about the business or how london look like?
ED: OK, we'll talk business if that's all you care about! And the answer is no, we didn't get to head back to Sydney today - AJ's car broke down. Ross has agreed to take us back tomorrow, but it's not good odds on us getting back before COB Friday. That's a problem because of the Australia Day long weekend - nothing before Tuesday.
PG: The bank called me on telephone this moring that they never had from you and you dont even care ,you are there asking me about london,did i contacted you b/c of london?
ED: I didn't contact the bank because the document is yours to collect. They have nothing to do with getting it - you do that. That dike Dyke has no right to tell you what's on my mind. Stupid bitch should keep to her accounts and stop trying to psychoanalyse me.
PG: So when are you making the payment?knowing fully well that is the only thing holding this transfer?
ED: Either tomorrow or Tuesday.
PG: Why not try do it tomorrow? to enable us conclude this transfer
ED: If I can I will. I don't know what Western Union offices I can find on the way. Also, since you can bet Ross and AJ will be with me all the time, I won't be able to keep it from them - which is important since we have to keep this quiet, as well you know.
PG: when do you think you will be alone to do it?
ED: Totally NFI. I can only hope and try, but no guarantees for Friday.
PG: To perfect all this documents legally in your name. To perfect all this documents legally in your name.
PG: and send to the bank and copy to you
ED: Is that a question?
PG: no am telling you what we are going to do that we to To perfect all this documents legally in your name and send to the bank and copy to you
PG: so try do it on friday to enable us conclude this transfer by next week
ED: Fine - I just didn't see it coming.
ED: And I said I'd be trying - and that there are no guarantees. Are you that stroppy with your colleagues? I thought by talking about things we'd break the ice a bit, but that doesn't seem to be your way.
PG: i hope you are still with info to send the money?
ED: It's in my PDA.
PG: OK
PG: but where are you now?WRITING
ED: What?
PG: Where are you at present?
ED: In the Blue Mountains. Why?
PG: i just want to know
ED: Funny, that - I just wanted to know about London and you chucked a wobbly! Is it my turn?
PG: i asked to know if it is a place you could locate western uinon
PG: but in all this delay did you get intouch to the bank as to know your position?
ED: Now why should I not be surprised?
ED: Remember what I said - the bank shouldn't give a hairy rat's ass if I take a little longer. Since when do banks want to encourage people to withdraw millions? I thought they'd want to keep it!
PG: are u there?
ED: I'll just check...
ED: Yep!
PG: contact the bank let them know your position

[That's a relief - he didn't ask about where I was!]

ED: I still don't understand why they care about this. It's not like it's their money! But if you insist...
PG: Yes the affidavite is a classified documents that will cover the funds remittance which copies shall also be sent to you before the funds arrival in your bank.this documents legally in your name
ED: Well that's just fine... but why is the bank in such a tearing hurry to know about it? They don't have to like it, they just have to do it (something my brother says a lot)!
PG: yes they are in hurry b/c that is the legal document that proved you as the rightful bonafide next of kin to the estate of late Mr.Douglas B.Dane
PG: if you can't provide it the bank will suspect
ED: But as long as they get it, why should they care how long it takes if it's totally legitimate?
PG: b/c the bank knew as the rightful bonafide next of kin to the estate of late Mr.Douglas B.Dane you supposed to have the affidavite with you.
PG: and that is the reason why you do not need to delay as to provide to them
ED: Fine. I'll drop them a line to let them know the affidavite may be a while longer.
ED: I suppose a few words about London are too much to ask?
PG: droping few word to the bank as to know your possition is very important and let them know the day you will send the affidavite
ED: Doesn't stop you from telling me about your home town does it?!
PG: you willvisit me here in london as soon as the business through there you will see things in by your self
ED: Now that I will hold you to! And FYI I'm single but with a steady boyfriend. Happy now?
ED: Late thought - the bank told me: "IT IS IMPORTANT YOU SEND A COPY OF YOUR ID CARD OR ANY THING THAT WILL PROVE YOUR PHOTO". What do I tell them about that?
PG: I am going out for break
ED: Well, have an answer for me when you get back! I'll contact the bank when you do
ED: CYA
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
I had a problem at the Western Union counter. It seems that for a sum over four figures they have some security measures - a formal invoice for the amount requested, and the details of the ID to be presented for the pickup. You'd better send me what I need. Regards, Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane. I have given you every information needed to send money through western union money transfer.if you want to send the money go ahead and send but if you do not want pls forget about it and stop wasting my time. Thanks Francis

Well this demands a slap - surly little bugger that he is. At the time I missed the slipup with the signature.

Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
If you won't give me what I need, then you're fucked. I can't send the money without the things WU asked for. Too bad for both of us if you're going to be such a dickhead, but it looks like that's how you want it - fuck knows why. Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane. I do not like the way you are delaying this transaction,knowing fully well that the bank is waiting to receive those documents to enable them transfer this funds into your account.
HOWEVER SEND THE MONEY WITH THIS ACCOUNT INFORMATION.
Bank Name:........... Societe Inter Africaine De banque.(SIAB)
Country: .................Togo
A/C Number: ...........4061559010.
A/C Holder: ............. Sow Moustapha Malick.
Swift Code: ..............SIABTGTGXXX.
Corressponding bank: ...Brtish Arab Commercial Bank. (BACB)
Swift Code: .......BACMGB24XXX.
corresponding bank. ......Union De Banque Arab et francaises.(UBAF)
Switf code: ...UBAFFRPPXXX.
Forward the payment information to this box by scann. Thanks and i am waiting for the payment information.
Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
Two questions:
[1] Why can't you give me some simple paperwork?
[2] Who is Francis?
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson

He didn't handle that too well...

Dear Eliza,
I read your mail.I will reply you one by one for proper understanding according to your question.
[1] Why can't you give me some simple paperwork? SEE REPLY:what do you meant by simple paperwork?
[2] Who is Francis? SEE REPLY:I woud like you to understand that francis is my second in the office.
Thanks and i am waiting to hearing from you with the payment information.
Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
[1] By simple paperwork I mean this: "a formal invoice for the amount requested, and the details of the ID to be presented for the pickup".
[2] Why was his name signed to an email from your account? So much for fucking security!
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson

Another predicable Ladism is the invoice/receipt confusion.

Dear Eliza.
I read your mail and will reply you one by one.
[1] By simple paperwork I mean this: "a formal invoice for the amount requested, and the details of the ID to be presented for the pickup". SEE REPLY:I would like you to understand that a formal invoice for the amount requested will be issued by the high court immediately they receive the payment.it is not today we started receiving money from WU no body has ever ask for the details of the ID only when the receiver went to pick up the money.
[2] Why was his name signed to an email from your account? So much for fucking security! SEE REPLY:As my second he knew every thing that i am doing,so when am busy i asked him to reply your email and there he closed with his name.I love that question for security reasons.
Thanks and
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
I may not be some fucking hotshot solicitor but by Skadhi's bow, at least I know the difference between an invoice and a receipt! An invoice is what the WU agent specifically mentioned when I went to the post office! So get that fucking thing to me or you don't get paid - capisce?
And when you stress confidentiality to me but allow your office boy into your special business - fuck me, but that is so wrong! Freyja bless me!
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza,
If you cant send the money through the WU or account information given to you pls forget about the payment i will look for another person who will help.
I AM NOT HERE FOR JOKE OK.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
You're missing the point - I can send the money any time - but I need the invoice and the ID details. Why can't you get that? It's like you're fucking word blind or something!
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane.
I received your mail.I am very busy i do not have time to go to the western union. I will scan the ID of the Picking up the money, that will be my SEC,MR.DAVID MARK is out the country this moring for an important meeting for one week. Like as i told you the INVOICE/RECEIPT will be send to you as soon as you make the payment.
Paul Godson
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
An INVOICE is not the same as a RECEIPT. An INVOICE gives details of what's going to be paid to whom. A RECEIPT is something that acknowledges what's been paid to whom. I need an INVOICE from you, not a RECEIPT.
Do you get it???
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane,
HERE IS THE PASS COPY OF THE RECEIVER.I WILL SEND THE INVOICE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
NAME.....MR.MILO MINDERBINDER
COUNTRY...LONDON (UK)
AMOUNT.....USD2,500.00
QUESTION WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
ANSWER....MILO
Forward the payment info control number to this box to enable me follow.You are expected to send the money today to enable us conclude with the bank.
Paul Godson.

What he sent was perhaps the worst Lad version of a passport I've seen in a long while. The consensus at 419Eater was that he was using a joke ID sent by an unwise baiter.

We pause for a salute to the fantabulous 419Eater, whose founder has also written a book ("Greetings in Jesus Name: The Scambaiter Letters").

Behold the Passport of Shame

Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
You may be expecting me to send the money today, but by Tyr's hand, it won't be happening without that invoice!
Until I have it, you get zilch. Capisce?
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson

Seems Eliza gets what she wants when she loses her temper.

Dear Eliza,
Attached is the payment invoice as requested by you.so go ahead and make the payment to enable us conclude.forward the payment info to this box.
Thanks Paul.

Ross - please talk to the man.

Ross Dane
Listen up asshole - you are not going to get anything from my kid sister - EVER. You're a scumbag 419 Scammer from West Africa - not from Nigeria or Ghana though; I'd say either Cote d'Ivoire or Togo. Either way, you're getting nothing. It ends here.
Liza - this piece of shit is a conman. You know I'm right. Don't do anything he says.
Ross
Paul Godson
YOU SHOULD STOP THIS YOUR INSULT OK.YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT
Ross Dane
I'm talking about you - the kind of scum that only paedophiles look up to; a snivelling little buttsmear with the morals of a sewer rat. Eat shit and die.
Paul Godson
ARE SURE U KNOW WHOM U ARE TALKING TO?THAT INSULT GOES TO YOUR FATHER OK.IF U DONT STOP THAT SHIT I WILL SUE YOU TO COURT BY SPOILING MY NAME.
Ross Dane
I'm not Liza, you dipshit no-load - I'm her brother. Why do you think she hasn't written to you? I told her what you are and she was pissed off. She won't be sending you a single cent.
Suck it up, cockbreath.
Paul Godson
OK PLS TELL I DO NOT NEED HER MONEY AGAIN I WILL LOOK FOR ANOTHER PERSON WHO WILL HELP.I HAVE RECEIVE ENOUGH INSULT OK.AND SHE SHOULD NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN. BUT REMEMBER YOU ARE TO BARRISTER PAUL GODSON FROM UK.IF CANT STOP THIS SHIT I WILL SUE U TO THE COURT FOR SPOILING THE IMAGE OF THIS HON CHAMBER

The thought of a scammer threatening legal action for defamation is always good for a laugh.

Ross Dane
You're not a lawyer in England - you're a scammer in West Africa. The game is up, and you still can't stop pretending! .
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
Ross went back to his unit yesterday. I didn't dare say anything while he was here - you don't argue with Ross, however close to him you might be.
What the fuck was he on about? What's a 419 scam? He wouldn't tell me a thing!
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane .
You asked your sister or who ever to inslted me.calling me scamer.who let her know about this? . WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
HAVE YOU MAKE THE PAYMENT?
PAUL
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
I don't have a sister - I saw the email my brother sent you but he didn't say much else about what was going on. He can be a bit intimidating when he gets mad. I don't know how he found out unless he got my email password somehow.
What was he talking about? Is that money real?
Eliza Dane

The next email had in its subject line, Mark 11: 22. This Bible verse reads, "So Jesus answered and said to them, "Have faith in God".

Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane .
I read your mail.i would like you to understand that if the money is not real i would have not been wasting my time here.the bank have contacted you right?demanding for that affidavite of claim that is holding the release of this funds to you. The money is real.go ahead and make the payment and forward the control number to this box immediately the bank receive the documents it will take tree days the funds will get to you.by then those people that is telling you is not true will come to you for help. Thanks and i am waiting to hearing from you as soon as possible. Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
What the fuck is Mark 11.22? It'd better be relevant to this whole deal!
Tell me right away.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane .
I read your mail.i would like you to understand that if the money is not real i would have not been wasting my time here.the bank have contacted you right?demanding for that affidavite of claim that is holding the release of this funds to you. The money is real.go ahead and make the payment and forward the control number to this box immediately the bank receive the documents it will take tree days the funds will get to you.by then those people that is telling you is not true will come to you for help. Thanks and i am waiting to hearing from you as soon as possible. Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
What, by Skadhi's bow, is Mark 11.22?
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza Dane,
Go and read your bible you will understand what MARK 11.22 said.
Thanks Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
I don't have a bible, duh-brain.
I follow the Aesir. Odin Alfador, Freyja, Skadhi and Tyr give me what I need to forge ahead through life.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
I read your mail.so when are you making the payment to enable us conclude with the bank. Thanks Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
Can't do it now - it's almost 11pm over here. It'll have to be tomorrow. I'll be in touch. Eliza
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
Ok,i wait to hearing from you with the payment info.to enable us conclude with the bank.
Paul.

This is the same modality used in DRESSED FOR SUCCESS (Eliza Dane's heart-warming holiday scambait of 2006).

Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
OK, it's done. They offered me a discount to use a new system they're trialling here and in the UK and America - it's called the Secure Transfer Option. You can send money to a specific place - seems a good idea.
So the $2500 been sent to the Bureau de Change at Euston Station where it can only be picked up by Mr Minderbender (it's keyed to his ID) and there's a question/answer protocol - Favourite flower? The wild rose.
Let me know when he's made the pickup.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson

That didn't go down well...

Dear Eliza.
I read your mail and the content well understood.but is important you understand that the only way we could pick up the money here is by western union money transfer as you where directed ealier.we did not direct you any way than western union OK
So go back and send the money via western union and forward the info immediatelty to enable us conclude. Thanks and i am waiting to hearing from you as soon as possible.
Paul.
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
I really you sent the money through western union then where is the CONTROL NUMBER send it immediately to enable us pick up the money.
Thanks
Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
You don't need the control number to pick money up. I've told you where to pick it up and exactly what you need.
Holy Odin, just tell that fuckwit Minderbinder to go and get it right away!
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
YOU MUST BE A JOKER.
Eliza Dane

One CAP LOCK deserves another.

MR GODSON
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
Go and send the money thgrough western union and forward the CONTROL NUMBER if not forget about the payment i will look for another person who will help me,i am geting tired of all this delay.
PAUL.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
I sent the money through Western Union already, and I told you before - you don't need the CONTROL NUMBER to pick it up (check out the website).
If for some reason you can't get your boy Minderbinder to collect the cash, then it ain't my fucking problem!
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
Never in this world you sent money through WU without CONTROL NUMBER without the control bumber the wu WILL not give you any money OK. So if you sent it through WU send the control number.
PAUL
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
You're lying, and by Tyr's hand I don't know why. I did what I had to do, and you have to do what you have to do without bullshitting me.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
The western union here said they can not process the payment here without the control number.so i advice you if it is because of sendind charges of the western union take money out from the USD2,500 and send the rest through western union money transfer and forward the CONTROL NUMBER.I hope you understand?.
Thanks and i am waiting to hearing from you as soon as possible.
Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
The reason you can't do anything about the payment is because it's not fucking well meant for you! The only person who can do that is Minderbinder because it's keyed to his name and ID!
I'm not going to resend it if
(a) Minderbinder is too fucking lazy (or stupid) to pick it up or
(b) you can't get your fucking brain around the fact that the control number isn't needed to pickup.
If the WU people told you it is, they're talking out of their bumholes, because the STO is being trialled in the UK, the US and Australia.
Were you always this fucked in the head or is it something you worked on?
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
If you cant re-send the money as i told you and forward the control number pls forget about this payment.
Paul
Eliza Dane

End game time...

Mr Godson,
You just proved that Ross was right all along.
Get fucked.
I'm going to get the money back and buy some new clothes.
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
The receiver went to the Wu they said they cant process the payment without control number cant you understand.?i even called them by my self,If you can t re-send the money through WU as i directed you, pls go and take back your money.if you cant follow up my instruction.
Thanks
Paul
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
So Minderbinder agrees with you now - well, I'm not running some fucking democracy here! Two wrong answers don't make a right!
This is what the WU website FAQs say; "Remember that Western Union does not require a receiver to present a money transfer control number (MTCN) to pick up funds".
Well, what have you got to say now, cockbreath?
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson

I'm sure it's well understood!

Dear Eliza.
I read your mail and the content well understood.I would like you understand that Mr.Minderbinder went to the western they said they will not process the payment without (MTCN) that will proved him as the owner of the money OK.I did not understand your own system there,but as for UK you must prensent the (MTCN). However,you are advice to re-send the money via WU take money out from the USD2.500 and pay the WU charge if that is the problems.but if you don t want to follow up my instructions pls forget about this payment. Thanks
Paul.
Eliza Dane
Mr Godson,
Enough of your fucking one-track-mind!
Either Minderbinder is lying to you - or you're lying to me - what's on the WU FAQs applies the world over!!
It doesn't make a fucking lick of difference where the fuck you or that pillowbiter Minderbinder are!!!!
YOU DON'T NEED THE MTCN TO PICK UP MONEY - ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!
ALL YOU NEED IS THE ID AND THE Q&A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eliza Dane
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
Since you do not belived me .and you do not want to do as directed you. PLS GO BACK TO WHERE EVER YOU SENT THE MONEY FROM TAKE BACK YOU MONEY I DO NOT NEED IT AGAIN. BYE BYE

This is probably Eliza's most sustained profanity barrage. Apologies for those who think it overdone.

Eliza Dane
Fuck you and fuck the goat who fucked your mother, you fucking excuse for a human being. There are fucking child molesters who cross the street to avoid you.
There are smarter creatures that you getting squashed on fucking windscreens. There are cleaner creatures than you eating fucking cowdung on cattle pastures. You and that fucking turdburglar Minderbinder can go and suck your cocks and fuck yourselves in the ass. Just be your fucking stupid pissweak selves.
I couldn't fucking well care about you any more. Why don't you do us all a fucking favour and kill yourself?
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
Is good you have said out what you have in mind.i can understand that you are a joker.
Paul.

Thought I'd rub it in a bit...

Eliza Dane
I went shopping today with the money Minderbinder didn't pick up. I got some new shoes, a new jacket and a pair of earrings.
I wasn't joking. I really want you to kill yourself. But don't shoot yourself in the head, you'll miss your brains every time. Just shove the gun up your ass and pull the trigger. You'll hit your brains dead-on AND die smiling.
Ain't that a nice thought?
Paul Godson
Dear Eliza.
Very good as you went to shoping with the money fine so bye bye
Eliza Dane
Yeah - MY money that YOU didn't get.
Doesn't that just make you want to bawl your fucking eyes out?

Thus it ends.


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